Jonah Baldwin:
Are you going with her?
Sam Baldwin:
I'm going with Victoria. Yes.
[Jonah heads to his room]
Sam Baldwin:
Don't try anything tricky, understand?
[Jonah slams his door]
Jonah Baldwin:
[walks to Jonah's room] Don't go rolling in poison ivy as soon as I leave the house. You lock yourself in a closet or do anything, make sure you'll need stitches. If your finger falls off, it's staying off. No one's gonna pack it on ice and take you to the hospital, so you can be a breakthrough in laser surgery. Is this about that woman in Baltimore?
Jonah Baldwin:
Annie.
[Sam leaves the room and closes the door]
Jonah Baldwin:
I don't care what you do!
Sam Baldwin:
Good! Fine! I'll tell you what I'm doing this weekend, I'm getting laid. It's the 1990's and nobody's getting laid. I'm the only man in America who's getting laid this weekend and I haven't been laid that much. Six girls in college, maybe seven. [sees Jonah standing in the doorway] How long have you been standing there?
Jonah Baldwin:
Forever.
Sam Baldwin:
What did you just hear me say?
Jonah Baldwin:
Six girls in college, maybe seven.
Sam Baldwin:
Seven... EIGHT! Mary Kelly.
Jonah Baldwin:
[holds Annie's letter] This is the one I like!
Sam Baldwin:
Jonah, the fact is, you're not gonna like any woman, because that isn't your mother.
Jonah Baldwin:
How do you know?! What's wrong with Annie?!
Sam Baldwin:
Oh, Jonah, shut up!
Jonah Baldwin:
Shut up? Shut up?! Mom never said "shut up" to me! Mom never yelled at me!
Sam Baldwin:
This conversation is finished.
Jonah Baldwin:
Why can't we go to New York?
Sam Baldwin:
There is no way that we're going on a plane to meet some woman who could be a crazy, sick lunatic! Didn't you see Fatal Attraction?
Jonah Baldwin:
You wouldn't let me!
Sam Baldwin:
Well I saw it and it scared the shit out of me! It scared the shit out of every man in America!
Jonah Baldwin:
I'm not leaving until you say "yes".
[Sam closes his bedroom door on Jonah]
Jonah Baldwin:
I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!
Sam Baldwin:
That's good, you'll have a lot to tell Oprah how your Dad destroyed your life because he had to go off for a weekend special at the Holiday Inn!
