[At the Poison Apple Pub]
Prince Charming:
What does a Prince have to do to get a drink around here? [Mabel turns around in front of him] Ah, Mabel, why they call you an ugly stepsister I'll never know. Where's Doris, taking the night off?
Mabel:
She's not welcome here and neither are you. [spits into the mug and wipes it with a towel] What do you want, Charming?
Charming:
Oh not much, just a chance at redemption... [laughs] and a Fuzzy Navel. [stands up and turns to the villains] And Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!
[Captain Hook angrily rips across the piano keys with his hook, the Singing witch angrily bares her teeth at Charming, the Evil Queen angrily breaks her pool cue stick, and Stromboli angrily breaks his beer mug]
Captain Hook:
We're not your friends. [Mabel grabs Prince Charming by his shoulders and pins him on top of the bar; he then places his hook against his neck] And you, don't belong here.
Charming:
You are right, oh, I mean, you are absolutely right, but I mean, do any of us?
Cyclops:
Do a number on his face!!!
Charming:
No, no, wait, wait, wait, wait! We are more alike than you think. [to the Evil Queen] Wicked Witch! The Seven Dwarfs saved Snow White and then what happened?
Evil Queen:
Oh, what's it to you?
Charming:
They left you the un-fairest of them all. And now here you are, hustling pool to get your next meal. How does that feel?
Evil Queen:
[remorsefully] Pretty unfair.
Charming:
[to Stromboli] And you! Your star puppet abandons the show to go and find his father.
Stromboli:
I hate that little wooden puppet.
Charming:
And Hook...need I say more? [Hook backs off, feeling insecure about his appendage] And you! Frumpy-pigskin.
Rumpelstiltskin:
Rumpelstiltskin.
Charming:
Where's that first-born you were promised? [Rumpelstiltskin caresses a pacifier tattoo on his forearm; turns to Mabel] Mabel, remember how you couldn't get your little fat foot into that tiny glass slipper? [Mabel sighs depressingly] Cinderella is in Far Far Away right now, eating bonbons, cavorting with every little last fairy-tale creature that has ever done you wrong!! [turns his attention to the villains] Once upon a time, someone decided that we were the losers. But there are two sides to every story. And our side has not been told. So who will join me? Who wants to come out on top for once? Who wants their happily ever after?!
[The villains cheer rowdily and start to have a big brawl in the pub. Charming looks and drinks his Fuzzy Navel]
