Becker

Margaret:
So someone finally shot you.

Dr. John Becker:
I always thought it would be you, Margaret.

Margaret:
So did I.

Margaret:
Jake, you've got to see this.

Jake Malinak:
I'm blind.

Dr. John Becker:
Did anyone watch the news last night?

Jake Malinak:
Well, I don't really...

Dr. John Becker:
Rhetorical question, stay with me, Jake. So they're doing a story about violence in America. And while they are interviewing a bloated senator from one of our great trailer park states, instead of making guns harder to get, he blames the violence on television. What about all the violence that happened before television? I suppose the Spanish Inquisition came off a bad episode of Gilligan's Island.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh great, no cigarettes, the perfect cherry on this crap sundae of a morning.

Jake Malinak:
I don't see why you don't just quit, John, they're taking years off your life

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, but those are the crusty old fart years that you spend just bitching at the world.

Jake Malinak:
As opposed to this whole Gandhi thing you've got going on now?

Dr. John Becker:
Look, someone in your department shut down a residential care facility in my neighborhood and threw everyone out into the street. Now I'm here because I want something done about it!

Deputy Secretary:
Wow. You sound pretty upset.

Dr. John Becker:
Well, I am. You know, I've been on the phone all afternoon calling every city agency I can think of, and all I got was the typical beureaucratic runaround.

Deputy Secretary:
Well that's terrible, you shouldn't have been treated like that.

Dr. John Becker:
At least you see that.

Deputy Secretary:
Well of course I do!

Dr. John Becker:
Then you'll help me?

Deputy Secretary:
Oh dear no.

Dr. John Becker:
...Well, maybe you didn't understand me...

Deputy Secretary:
No, I understood you perfectly. You've discovered a social injustice, and as a concerned citizen you've come to your government to demand some action.

Dr. John Becker:
Exactly!

Deputy Secretary:
It's not gonna happen. But that look on your face, oh, that took me back! What was that, righteous indignation? I used to feel like that when I first started working here forty-two years ago.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, well - you've been in this office forty-two years?

Deputy Secretary:
Yeah. Same desk, same fake plant, same window. Doesn't open. None of them do. Otherwise we'd all jump out. But you were saying?

Dr. John Becker:
Look, I told you! Either reopen the facility, or make some arrangements to take care of these people!

Deputy Secretary:
And I told you, I can't help.

Dr. John Becker:
But you're the deputy secretary of social services!

Deputy Secretary:
It's just a title.

Dr. John Becker:
Dammit! Look, listen - you're in charge here, you're responsible, you work for the city!

Deputy Secretary:
You're not listening! I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen, and I'll tell you why: there is no money! There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water and crappy schools which will turn out another generation of voters too stupid and greedy to care about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem, because there's not a DAMN THING I CAN DO ABOUT IT!... Where did that come from?

[about breasts]

Chris Duff:
Why do you think they're here for? For fun? No! They're here to [shouts] get things done!

[Becker's patient is Richard Hatch, winner of Survivor:
Borneo]

Dr. John Becker:
[checking his clipboard] Okay, uh, Mr. Hatch. I'm Dr. Becker. [he and Richard shake hands]

Richard Hatch:
Hey, Doc. Want me to take my clothes off? 'Cause that's no problem.

Dr. John Becker:
Uh, why don't we just talk first.

Richard Hatch:
Okay.

Dr. John Becker:
[checking his clipboard] All right. It says you're here for... stomach distress. Any, uh, recent changes in your diet?

Richard Hatch:
No, but, uh, several months ago, I was out of the country.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah, I've seen that before. Mexico?

Richard Hatch:
No, I was on this island. My diet was very exotic. I pretty much existed on stingray, dog food, beetle larvae...

Dr. John Becker:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. What the hell's wrong with you?

Richard Hatch:
Hey, some of the *other* people there ate rats.

Dr. John Becker:
Rats? Well, why in the world would anyone do that?

Richard Hatch:
It was for "Survivor."

Dr. John Becker:
"Survivor?"

Richard Hatch:
You know, the contest? The show? It was on television.

Dr. John Becker:
Television? Oh, my God! You know, what is this world coming to? People are eating bugs and rats on a stupid television show? I swear to God! You know, TV has become nothing more than the... the Petri dish where this country grows its idiots! Don't they have better things to do than to debase themselves coast to coast?

Richard Hatch:
Well, I won.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah, won. Yeah, please. I mean, what could you possibly have won that would make up for your loss of self-respect?

Richard Hatch:
A million dollars?

Dr. John Becker:
Now, h-h-how could I get involved with something like that? Is that something that any... just anybody...

[the scene fades out]

Dr. John Becker:
I never told you to shut up.

Mr. Humphries:
You hung up on me once.

Dr. John Becker:
So I didn't have to tell you to shut up.

Margaret:
[on the phone] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[hangs up the phone and Becker walks in]

Margaret:
What did you do?

Dr. John Becker:
I don't know.

Hector Lopez:
All right, people, give me your money!

Jake Malinak:
Does he have a gun?

Chris Connor:
No.

Jake Malinak:
No.

Dr. John Becker:
Why do women always scream when they're surprised? Can't you just clutch your heart and drop dead like a man?

Dr. John Becker:
What's new, Linda?

Linda:
A bunch of patients, but that's not important. Oh, yeah, there is a lawyer in your office, but that's not important. Wait 'til you see Margaret, she is wearing the most hideous thing.

Dr. John Becker:
The flower dress?

Linda:
No, worse.

Dr. John Becker:
The pants with the gold circles?

Linda:
No, worse. It looks like someone ate a box of crayons and threw up a sweater. Whatever you do, don't laugh.

Dr. John Becker:
Linda, Margaret and I are coworkers, I know how to keep a straight face.

[walks in the back as Margaret walks by and laughs at her 'swest']

Dr. John Becker:
Since when do you wear glasses?

Linda:
I don't.

Dr. John Becker:
Then what are those?

Linda:
They just look good, they don't do anything.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, well, you'd be the expert on that.

[On the series finale]

Dr. John Becker:
I have to check on Mr. Nielsen. You know, I don't see what the problem is. These numbers aren't that bad.

Alexei:
Reggie is very much hot broad.

Bob:
I was having that dream we all have, you know? The one where you're making love to a beautiful woman and all of a sudden her legs turn into scissors?

Dr. John Becker:
If you and I were the only people on the face of the Earth, that would be the only thing we'd have in common.

Dr. John Becker:
That's the problem with the world, everybody says "Everybody does it," so everybody does it!

Linda:
Someday you'll look back on this and laugh.

Dr. John Becker:
Maybe I will. But before then, I will kill you. And then I'll use my powers as a physician to bring you back to life. And then, I will kill you again.

Dr. John Becker:
The world is full of idiots, and someone needs to point it out to them or they will never know.

Margaret:
I don't like to lie. It's wrong.

Dr. John Becker:
Says who?

Margaret:
The Lord!

Dr. John Becker:
The Lord? Margaret, this is the Bronx. Believe me, he's not here.

Dr. John Becker:
Just when I think God couldn't screw me any further, he gets out the old Black & Decker and twists a little harder!

Margaret:
Interesting; you're being persecuted by a God you don't believe in.

Dr. John Becker:
That's why he's after me, Margaret.

Dr. John Becker:
...everybody at Harvard used to stand in line for days to get into one of his classes

Bob:
Who said Harvard students don't know how to party?

Dr. John Becker:
I can't believe you don't remember me!

Prof. Fowler:
I tell you one thing... you're becoming impossible to forget!

Dr. John Becker:
Medicine is not always the best medicine.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, I'm so glad to see you!

Bob:
That's nice, John.

Dr. John Becker:
I was talking to the cigarettes.

[Answering machine voice over message]

Jake Malinak:
Hi, this is Jake. Please look outside and then into the mirror. If it's dark outside and you're Becker, do me a favor, and go to hell.

[Bob is trying to get reparations for being 1/64th Native American]

Bob:
You people have no idea what it's like to be discriminated against!

Jake Malinak:
Yeah, I'm a blind black man, we just SAIL through life.

[after Margaret had gotten drunk and thought she had sung karaoke]

Linda:
Actually, you just grabbed a skinny bald guy around the neck and started screaming into the top of his head.

Bob:
Becker, I just had a great idea!

Dr. John Becker:
The first one's always exciting, isn't it?

Bob:
I was doing some research on the internet...

Dr. John Becker:
Must have come as a surprise that it's not all porn, huh?

Bob:
One shock at a time.

Dr. John Becker:
How would you like if I went to your office and peed on your front steps? [pause] Stupid dog!

[about a patient]

Dr. John Becker:
What does he want?

Margaret:
To bask in the sunny warmth of your disposition.

[he's getting a ticket for jay-walking]

Bob:
What? You want to see my "walker's license?" What are you going to do? Impound my shoes?

Dr. John Becker:
Did you ever hear me say that?

Margaret:
No, but it certainly sounds like you!

[to a patient about his attire]

Dr. John Becker:
SpeeDO? Well, SpeeDON'T.

[about relaxation tapes]

Dr. John Becker:
You'd be surprised how many people give 'em to me for Christmas.

Chris Connor:
I'm surprised people give you presents at all.

[Becker is buried up to his neck in fake snow]

Kid:
Mommy, I don't like that scary toy. Mean Mister Angry Head

Dr. John Becker:
I'm *Doctor* Angry Head.

Dr. John Becker:
I bought pancake tickets. I came to a pancake breakfast. If it has yet to occur to you, I want pancakes.

[to Liz]

Dr. John Becker:
All right, I'm sorry.

[Reggie gasps]

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, shut up.

Margaret:
I have to leave early today.

Dr. John Becker:
And leave me alone with Linda?

Dr. John Becker:
He took special interest in one student. Can you guess who that young man was?

Linda:
Who?

Dr. John Becker:
Linda, don't be such an idiot. It's me.

Linda:
Oh, when you said young it threw me off.

Margaret:
[on the phone] I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

[hangs up the phone and Becker walks in]

Margaret:
What did you do?

Becker:
I don't know.

Melvin:
And when you say Dr. Becker, who are you referring too?

Vinny Deluca:
[points to Becker] That man there.

[courtroom gasps]

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, come on, who didn't know that already?

[Melvin, Vinny's Lawyer asked Margaret a question after she had sworn the truth on the Bible]

Margaret:
Was that a real Bible?

[talking to Becker]

Margaret:
I'm sorry, John, I have to tell the truth.

Dr. John Becker:
[pointing to the jury] You know they can hear you?

Ruth:
We need a new strategy.

Dr. John Becker:
Does it involve me taking the bailiff's gun and blasting my way out of here?

Ruth:
No, that's plan B.

Judge Reinhold:
Dr. Becker, I don't want to hear your voice again. Counsellor, call your next witness.

Ruth:
[pointing to Becker] It's him.

Linda:
You had motive, you had opportunity, and let's not forget yesterday you said you wanted to kill him.

Dr. John Becker:
If I was capable of killing someone would you still be alive?

[Becker walks into the back]

Linda:
[to Margaret] He didn't do it.

Margaret:
Just for today, you are Beth.

Lynda:
I don't like the name Beth.

Linda:
I do, can I be Beth?

Lynda:
I want to be Beth too.

Margaret:
You can't both be Beth.

Linda:
Why? We're both Linda.

Lynda:
Let's pick our own names.

Linda:
I want to be Margaret.

Lynda:
No, I want to be Margaret.

Margaret:
I want to be dead.

Dr. John Becker:
Uh-Linda?

Linda, Lynda:
Yes?

Dr. John Becker:
I meant Linda.

Linda, Lynda:
Yes?

Margaret:
You're both named Linda?

Linda, Lynda:
Yes.

Dr. John Becker:
I just had that creepy feeling I had in medical school watching the cell divide.

[Linda stands up with a post-it note stuck on her forehead]

Linda:
I had a message for Margaret but I can't find it.

Dr. John Becker:
Was it to tell her Mrs. Cooper called?

Linda:
Wow, it's like you read my mind.

Dr. John Becker:
Some are easier than others.

[Becker walks away and Margaret comes in]

Linda:
I have a message for you.

Margaret:
Was it to tell me Mrs. Cooper called?

Linda:
Wow, you people are freaky.

[Linda goes in the back]

Dr. John Becker:
I won't tell her if you won't tell her.

[doing a word association test]

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Dog.

Dr. John Becker:
Leave.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Tree.

Dr. John Becker:
Me.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Man.

Dr. John Becker:
Alone.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Hey!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Doesn't what she did piss you off?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, it just doesn't surprise me because I happen to feel that most people are cruel, small-minded and shallow.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Oh, come on, Becker, if I believed that then I'd have to believe that the entire world just sucks.

Dr. John Becker:
Thank you! That's what I've been trying to tell you every single morning for the past two years! Thank you.

Bob:
[to Jake] Hey LensCrafter...!

Linda:
[nearly every episode] Here's the thing...

Linda:
OK Here's the thing...

Dr. John Becker:
Aw come on Linda, no THINGS!

Bob:
It's done with mirrors!

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
I don't have a license to sell alcohol.

Dr. John Becker:
You don't have a license to sell rat hair, either, but that never stopped you.

Patient:
[guest star Mary Steenburgen] You arrogant bastard, if I say I know the Roosevelts, I know the Roosevelts.

[leaves the office]

Dr. John Becker:
I pity the poor bastard who's married to her.

[Mary Steenburgen is Ted Danson's real-life wife]

[Linda wants to rename the exam rooms A, B and C and put the patients in them according to the letter of their ailment]

Dr. John Becker:
There are three exams rooms, that's only A, B and C. What if someone comes in with, oh, I don't know, "M" for "migraine"?

Linda:
Headache, "A" for ache.

Dr. John Becker:
Pregnancy?

Dr. John Becker:
"B" for baby.

Dr. John Becker:
X-ray?

Linda:
"C" for see-through.

Dr. John Becker:
Romance is like the cheese in the mousetrap - it baits you into position, so the cold, metal bar of reality can come down and snap your neck.

Linda:
What do you have against the New York City Marathon?

Dr. John Becker:
The Marathon just gets my hopes up. At first it seems like 20,000 idiots are leaving the city, but then they just make a big loop and come right back.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Do you think it would be silly for me to go back to college, now?

Dr. John Becker:
No, I think it would silly for us to have this conversation again, ten years from now.

Annette Johnson:
You just may go to Heaven whether you like it or not.

Dr. John Becker:
Thanks. It's the first time someone suggested I go in that direction.

Jake Malinak:
Don't screw with me, John. I'm blind and I sell chicklets.

[to Jake]

Bob:
You're blind! You can't even enjoy the best parts of sex! You can't see the mirror over the bed, you can't adjust the camcorder... you can't even see your friends cheering you on!

Mr. Humphries:
Tonight, I want you to read this.

Dr. John Becker:
"10,000 reasons to smile"? Puppies, rainbows... this is 10,000 reasons to step in front of a bus!

Mr. Humphries:
My grandson bought that for me, but if you don't like it, then, here, read this.

Dr. John Becker:
"Tuesdays With Morrie"?

Mr. Humphries:
It's about a younger man who visits an older man in the hospital.

Dr. John Becker:
We don't need to read this book, we're living it right now!

Mr. Humphries:
The younger man has a *positive* outlook on life. You got a problem with "Tuesdays With Morrie"?

Dr. John Becker:
No, I got no problem with Tuesday. It's every other day of the week that's giving me trouble!

Chris Connor:
You told Tony I was gay so he wouldn't be interested in me. Then you told me Tony was gay so I wouldn't be interested in him.

Dr. John Becker:
Do you think I would be capable of that?

Chris Connor:
You made up a sister named Pepper Becker!

Chris Connor:
[to Dr. John Becker] There's not a day that goes by that doesn't prove you are emotionally retarded!

[a patient can't open the door]

Dr. John Becker:
Door's unlocked right?

Margaret:
Yup.

Dr. John Becker:
And he still can't get in?

Margaret:
Apparently.

Dr. John Becker:
I guess I can be a little more tolerant.

Margaret:
Oh, come on, you can't possibly be that stupid! If you keep pulling and it isn't working there is only one possible option, press the button and push! [opens the door and looks to Dr. John Becker] Jackass!

Dr. John Becker:
Feels good, doesn't it?

Patient:
So, doctor, can you tell me what's wrong with me?

Dr. John Becker:
It's the flu.

Patient:
I mean, my heads stuffed up, my nose is clogged.

Dr. John Becker:
These are all symptoms of the flu.

Patient:
My muscles ache, I have no energy.

Dr. John Becker:
It's the flu!

Patient:
I sweat at night. I think that's why they call them night sweats.

Dr. John Becker:
[shouts] It's the flu! Jeez, what's wrong with you?

Patient:
I don't know, I think I caught a bug.

Dr. John Becker:
[storms out]

[Reggie's diner has been robbed]

Dr. John Becker:
Well, maybe this is a good sign. I mean, who would want to rob this place? Maybe they've finally run out of places to rob, and crime will finally stop in New York. I mean, were could they possibly rob next?

[pause]

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, dear God, my apartment!

Dr. John Becker:
Well, I went to my first anger class and it worked... I'm pissed as hell. I'm in a room with a bunch of psychos, they hand out pamphlets and get this: Its an anger symptom early warning device.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Its a rubber band.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh! College girl! Anyway, I'm supposed to snap it everytime I feel angry.

Jake Malinak:
Won't that make you more angry?

Dr. John Becker:
Shut up.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Behavior modification works very well to help break behavioral patterns.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, look Reg, a couple of classes at the institute of psychology and air conditioner repair doesn't qualify you to pepper me with dime-store generalities.

Dr. John Becker:
I woke up to the fact that as a healthcare professional, it's insane for me to go on smoking.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
They raise the price of cigarettes again?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah. $4.50 a pack!

Jake Malinak:
Wait a minute, this guy's really good-looking, isn't he?

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
I could lick his face like a Dove bar.

Mr. Stoler:
I don't need these pills. This test confirms everything I believe in.

Dr. John Becker:
Damn it, this is what pisses me off about you people. You people find religion and think that you have all the answers!

Mr. Stoler:
Don't doctors think they have all the answers?

Dr. John Becker:
I *do* have all the answers!

Dr. John Becker:
Hey, Hector, how is everything?

Hector Lopez:
Well, actually...

Dr. John Becker:
Rhetorical question, I don't really care.

Dr. John Becker:
[walking with a pregnant patient to the door] Don't worry about your baby, in a few months you'll be on your back with your legs up in the air, screaming like a banshee. [turns to go to his office] Pretty much what got you there in the first place.

Dr. John Becker:
[to Margaret while looking at travel brochures] What were you thinking? [slaps brochures on counter] Too hot. Too cold. Too stupid. Mexico? What's the point? In a few weeks, they'll all be up here.

Dr. John Becker:
[after standing up from witness chair in courtroom] I will not sit here and be accused of being a bad doctor. I am a damn good doctor.

Judge Reinhold:
Doctor Becker, you are out of order!

Dr. John Becker:
[turning to judge] No! You know something: You're out of order! This whole system is out of order!

Judge Reinhold:
[bangs gavel] All right, Pacino. You have no idea how much I hate that damn movie!

Dr. John Becker:
It doesn't matter if you're divorced, married, dating or dead. Once you get involved with a woman, you never stop paying.

Dr. John Becker:
[on many episodes] It's about the principle, Margaret!

Linda:
Let's be honest, any world where I have to be the responsible one, I don't want to live in.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
I hate to break it to you, Becker, but you're normal.

Dr. John Becker:
I don't have to listen to this. You know, you've called me alot of things, damaged, neurotic, obstinent, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna listen to you tell me I'm normal. I'm abnormal!

Dr. John Becker:
[Becker is walking out a patient who has frostbite] Look, writing your name in the snow with your pee is good drunken fun when your name is something like Joe Smith. But, when your name is Stanislav Kasacinski and its ten below out, you're just frostbite waiting to happen.

Dr. John Becker:
I have this friend... well, we aren't really friends - we just share custody of an ex-wife.

Linda:
Where have you two been? You know I should never be left in charge!

Margaret:
[Referring to a gift to Linda from Bob] Aren't you going to open it?

Linda:
I'm afraid to.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Don't bother. It's a leopard thong.

Linda:
How do you know?

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
First gift?

Linda:
Yeah.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
Leopard thong.

Linda:
Oh, come on. Do you really think he would... [pauses to peek inside of the box] Ok, let's say he did.

Linda:
And you're always doing my laundry.

Bob:
Bob is just trying to help out.

Linda:
Yeah, but I never get anything back!

Dr. John Becker:
[walks into the diner to find Linda and Margaret sitting at a table] Oh, I'm glad you're here. I was in here last night had an experience that made me realize I might have a small problem with anger.

Margaret:
[interrupts] Hah!

Dr. John Becker:
I thought about it a lot and I realized that the anger class may have some merit. I'm going to use its techniques to try to change my life completely.

Margaret:
[interrupts again] Hah!

Dr. John Becker:
Are you going to keep doing that?

Margaret:
I don't know yet.

Dr. John Becker:
The first step is to call upon my support network, that's all of you [points to Linda, Margaret, and Jake] , for your assistance... [stops and pauses] The hell with it. I'll try to control myself and you try not to piss me off.

Linda:
[pauses] Hah!

Margaret:
Well put! [laughs and leaves the diner with Linda]

Linda:
[referring to Bob staying in her apartment] He's just like a stray dog. He follows me around, scratches himself, and he keeps leaving nose prints on my windows.

Linda:
Hey, if you really have no place to live you can stay with me.

Bob:
Excuse me?

Linda:
I have plenty of room at my place.

Margaret:
Excuse me!

Linda:
Stay as long as you like.

Bob:
Wow, thanks! Look we'll iron out the details later, but first Bob's gotta go to the can. [grabs a magazine and begins to walk into the restroom]

Linda:
Um, that's a ladies room.

Bob:
Not for the next 20 minutes!

Margaret:
Linda, I know you have a big heart but are you sure this is a good idea?

Linda:
You're the one who's always telling me to help the needy.

Margaret:
Yes, but...

Linda:
[interrupts] And isn't Bob needy?

Margaret:
Oh yes, but...

Linda:
[interrupts] And isn't that what Christianity is all about?

Margaret:
[pauses] Christ never met Bob.

Linda:
[Stops looking through the trash can as Dr. Becker walks by] Morning doctor!

Dr. John Becker:
Oh yeah, good morning... um.

Linda:
Linda.

Dr. John Becker:
Right. I knew it was something weird like that.

Linda:
I know you said not to talk to you unless it was absolutely necessary, but I just want to say thanks a lot for making me a nurse's aide. I never thought I would be a professional anything! And this is way better than sweeping up hair at a beauty salon. Although the fumes from those hair dyes can give you a pretty good buzz! You know, this one time I...

Dr. John Becker:
[interrupts] You know if you shut your mouth it keeps the words from just falling out like that.

Linda:
I know! I know I talk too much and I'm working on that, but you just don't know what it's like in here!

[pounds on forehead]

Linda:
All these thoughts keep flying around and... and I'm sensing a little hostility.

Dr. John Becker:
Go with that.

Linda:
You mean?

Dr. John Becker:
I mean go.

Bob:
I thought a man's home was supposed to be his castle.

Jake Malinak:
What castle? You lived in your mother's rest home!

Margaret:
[after bailing John out of jail] His temper finally got him into real trouble. He was arrested this morning.

Linda:
No!

Margaret:
For assaulting two police officers.

Linda:
No!

Margaret:
The judge sentenced him to anger management.

Linda:
Great! [receives a dirty look from John] I mean no!

Dr. John Becker:
Too many people know where I eat.

Dr. John Becker:
[Hears a knock on the door] Um, I'm sleeping!

Linda:
Dr. Becker, it's Linda and I know you're not sleeping because you're talking.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, alright. [opens the door]

Linda:
[after John and Linda get in trouble for giving a sex talk to children] Look, you may think your kids are too young for this stuff but, believe me, they're just one Britney Spears video away from a whole new world.

Linda:
[after getting caught sleeping at the front desk] Ok, here's the thing! I was up all night with my friend who got dumped by her boyfriend.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, and how's that my problem?

Linda:
Well I didn't get any sleep. All night long she was crying and sobbing and moaning. The only way I could calm her down was to make her a coffee surprise. That's 2 parts coffee, 1 part Jack Daniels.

Dr. John Becker:
What's the surprise?

Linda:
It's really 5 parts Jack Daniels.

Margaret:
All these girls can be so dumb! Tanning salons are so bad for you.

Linda:
Oh come on, Margaret. You remember what it was like when you needed a quick tan for a big occasion, like the prom.

Margaret:
No, Linda, I never needed a quick tan.

Linda:
Oh my God, Margaret, I'm so sorry. You didn't go to your prom did you?

Linda:
[after John finds a stray cat in his office] Oh look, a kitty! When I was little I had a cat just like this. He was the cutest thing I ever saw until he took a nap in the dryer. He was never quite the same after that.

Dr. John Becker:
Margaret, I don't care what you do. Take it to the woods, put it out on the street, I don't care. Just get rid of it.

Margaret:
Just to be clear, we are talking about the cat?

Bob:
I think we have a lot in common. I'm not wearing a bra either.

Jake Malinak:
[Looks in Linda's direction] Please tell me he's talking to you.

Linda:
You know, I don't like that kind of talk. [pauses] Well, I do but not from you!

Maureen:
[holds out her hand] ATM card?

Linda:
Oh! Yeah, I forgot. [hands Maureen the card and begins to walk away]

Maureen:
Pin number, hello!

Linda:
Oh! Sorry, it's really easy to remember. You take the number of letters in Linda, that's 5. Then you subtract 3, that's the number of fingers my ex-boyfriend has on his left hand. Then you add the number of kids my Uncle Frank has, that's 8. Then you subtract the number of planets in the Solar System, that's 12.

Maureen:
[interrupts] There are 9 planets.

Linda:
Really? [starts counting on her fingers] Oh well, you're just going to have to remember it. It's 1-2-3-4-5.

Maureen:
Freak! [exits the office]

Linda:
Dr. Becker, do you have a minute?

Dr. John Becker:
No, I definitely don't.

Linda:
Well this won't take but a minute. This friend of mine got a tattoo of her boyfriend's name and since they broke up she was wondering if you knew anyone who could remove it for her.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah I have a name for you, but what kind of idiot meets a guy in a bar and two minutes later tattoos his name on her ass?

Linda:
Well, technically it's my lower back. [Gasps and quickly walks away from John]

Linda:
[answers the phone] Doctor's office? [pauses] Yeah, this is a bakery that's why I said doctor's office. [slams the receiver down and turns to Margaret] Is the world full of stupid people or is it just me?

Margaret:
It's just you.

Linda:
Doctor, do you have a problem with these?

Dr. John Becker:
[looks at Linda's low-cut top and exposed abdomen] These?

Linda:
These clothes? Margaret says that anyone who goes around dressed like this has no self respect. Now I'm not saying I'm the capital of self respect, but I feel pretty good about myself. [follows John to the restroom and props the door open with her foot] I mean, the clothes I wear have no effect on the way I do my job. Sure if I wore a suit of magnets then metal stuff would come flying at me, so I don't. But my point is is that if I had to go out and buy a whole bunch of other stuff well that would cost me a lot and I couldn't do that on what I'm making here. And I'm not asking you for more money, although if you offered it to me I wouldn't turn it down. Wow, I just asked for a raise. Cool!

Dr. John Becker:
Wear what you want. No raise. Go away.

Linda:
Are you okay?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, I'm just really pissed off.

Linda:
So you're okay.

Dr. John Becker:
No! Linda come here and sit down for a second, will ya? The other day Reggie pulled a stunt on me and I want to get even with her. I was just thinking [pauses] You're sneaky.

Linda:
Yeah.

Dr. John Becker:
So how can I get back at her?

Linda:
Okay, this is what you do. Open the hood of her car.

Dr. John Becker:
[chuckles] Yeah?

Linda:
Find the distributor cap. Below that is the master cylinder. Underneath that is the brake line. Cut that. Next thing you know she's doing 70 on the highway without a care in the world and, BAM!

Dr. John Becker:
[looks at Linda in fear] You know, Linda. I'm going to think about that tonight and probably every night for the rest of my life. [exits his office]

Dr. Sondra Rush:
This is Tom. Tom's the lawyer who handled my divorce.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, really. [takes money out of his wallet and gives it to Tom] Well, here you go, Tom. Now, you've got it all.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
So, Becker. Did you go see her?

Dr. John Becker:
Well, I know I said I wouldn't. But I did.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
[holds out her hand toward Jake] Twenty bucks. [Jake gives her a bill]

Jake Malinak:
Did you sleep with her?

Dr. John Becker:
No, I didn't.

Jake Malinak:
[holds out his hand toward Reggie] Hah! Give it right back!

Dr. John Becker:
Yea right, astrology what a load of crap.

Regina 'Reggie' Kostas:
You don't think people's lives are effected by the stars?

Bob:
Wait, are we talking about planets or celebrities? Because clearly when Brad Pitt is in town traffic is tied up for hours.

Linda:
I love Brad Pitt.

Bob:
Me too! But in a totally non-gay way.

Dr. John Becker:
So I'm having a great morning; guy cuts me off, I run him into the sidewalk; bum tries to spit clean my windshield, I splash him with a puddle, it's all good.

Dr. John Becker:
And by the way, anything you say can and will be held against you.

Man:
Oh yeah, well up yours.

Dr. John Becker:
See, that'll be held against you.

Clark Hutchinson:
[about Reggie's diner] We sort of think of this as our place.

Bob:
If this is your place, what would your song be? "The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald?"

Dr. John Becker:
Let me tell you, Margaret. For the first time in my life, I'm a winner.

Margaret Wyborn:
Yeah, nothing screams "winner" like a six-foot man on a two-foot bike.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
When I was a model, I used to meet guys all the time.

Jake Malinak:
I think I have this version on cassette.

Jake Malinak:
[after Reggie treated good-looking man rudely] You realize what just happened here, Reg?

Bob:
Yeah Reg, I think you kind of blew it.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
You're right - I could have sold that guy a muffin.

Detective Cross:
[in the middle of Becker's tirade] Before you finish, you might want to look at this.

Dr. John Becker:
What? What am I looking at? [Car in video erupts into flames from his cigarette] Never mind.

Dr. John Becker:
Either reopen the facility or make some arrangements to take care of these people!

Deputy Secretary:
And I told you I can't help.

Dr. John Becker:
But you're the Deputy Secretary of Social Services!

Deputy Secretary:
It's just a title.

Dr. John Becker:
Damn it, listen, you're in charge here. You're responsible. You work for the city.

Deputy Secretary:
You're not listening. I can't help. Nobody can help. That facility is not going to reopen and I'll tell you why. There is no money. There's no money because the federal government cut taxes, which is all anybody seems to care about anymore. That means less money for the state, which means less money for the city, which means we had to cut services, which means fewer cops, fewer firemen, bad air, bad water, and crappy schools which will turn out yet another generation of voters who are too stupid and greedy to think about anything else besides cutting taxes! So don't you come in here and tell me to fix your problem because there's not a damn thing I can do about it!

Dr. John Becker:
[on phone when Linda's dog starts licking him] Margaret!

Linda:
[runs in] Sorry. He got out of the storeroom. He learned how to work a doorknob. [tries to open door]

Dr. John Becker:
Push, then pull!

Margaret:
Well, well, well, look who dropped in for a visit.

Linda:
It's too early for sarcasm.

Margaret:
It's 10, it's not too early for anything.

Dr. John Becker:
Every time a guy figures out the rules you women change 'em. You know if we're attentive all of a sudden we're smothering, if we need you we're co-dependant, if we don't need you we're emotionally cut off. You know if we dare ask you what the rules are you say 'If you don't know I'm certainly not gonna tell you.'

Dr. John Becker:
Jake, do you have any idea what just happened here?

Jake Malinak:
Well if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you.

Margaret:
[Answering the phone] Dr.'s Office. [In an accent] Oh no I sorry, Margaret had to go out of town.

Dr. John Becker:
So how is Mrs. Recinos?

Margaret:
Stubbornly clinging to life.

Dr. John Becker:
Okay, what should I do?

Margaret:
Well if you don't know, I'm certainly not going to tell you.

Dr. John Becker:
Look, I, I, I realize you priests are obliged to come to the hospital and make your rounds, so I'll tell you why don't just leave your time card here, I'll punch, and then, then you can tell God you were here.

Chris Connor:
Well, then... then... then just tell me what's going on.

Dr. John Becker:
Nothing's going on, nothing's going on. At least, I don't think there is. I don't know, it's just... I feel different.

Chris Connor:
What do you mean, "different"? Are you okay?

Dr. John Becker:
Yes, I'm okay! It's... at least, I think I am, you know? I... I don't know, I just... lately, I've been thinking about a lot of things. You know, my work, my friends, you. None of it's perfect, but... none of it's exactly horrible, either.

Chris Connor:
[smirks] I know *I'm* flattered. John, what are you trying to say?

Dr. John Becker:
It's... it's like all the irritating things that people do - you know, cutting me off in traffic, disagreeing with me - it just doesn't seem to bother me as much. And then tonight, the patient I've been visiting, Mr. Gordon, he passed away.

Chris Connor:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Dr. John Becker:
Uh, thanks. I mean, it happens. But, you know, the point is that he was... he was okay with dying. He was able to look back at his life and feel good, you know, content. Lately, I think I... I think I've been feeling... kind of that way, you know? I guess what I'm trying to say is I... I think I might be... I don't know... happy.

Chris Connor:
Wow. No wonder you've been so upset. Bet this is really hard for you, isn't it?

Dr. John Becker:
Well, it is new.

Chris Connor:
You do understand that most people work their whole lives to feel happy. It's considered a *good* thing.

Dr. John Becker:
I know, I know. I'm dealing with it.

Chris Connor:
I'll help you any way I can.

Dr. John Becker:
Thanks. I don't know, I guess we'll just take it one day at a time.

[looks down at a man in the street]

Dr. John Becker:
[shouting] Hey! You moron, what the... How'd you like it if I took a whiz on your front porch? Go pee in the park like everyone else!

Chris Connor:
Feel better?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, a little.

Dr. John Becker:
I'm surprised you showed up.

Marty:
I'm surprised you're really a doctor. I thought your job was making people miserable.

Dr. John Becker:
No, that's just a hobby.

Dr. John Becker:
You see... no expectations, no disappointments.

Margaret Wyborn:
My hair hurts.

Linda:
Margaret, why don't you just go home?

Margaret Wyborn:
That's okay, I'll make it, but I do want to thank you, Linda, you have really been on top of things today. But it makes me wonder, why can't you be like this every day?

Linda:
Because this was an emergency. You see, Margaret, I'm like that cute little spare tyre, the one you use when the real one blows out.

Margaret Wyborn:
Still, it's good to know that I can count on you.

Linda:
Well, don't go crazy. That little tyre'll get you to the next gas station, but it's a really bad idea to drive it cross country.

Margaret Wyborn:
Got it.

Margaret Wyborn:
[referring to Becker's ducking out of his appointment the day before] The hospital called about your MRI. Apparently, it found a long yellow streak down your back.

Dr. John Becker:
[to Reggie, after having stripped off all his clothes] You know, I can't stay here talking to you. I've got to get back to the office. [walks out]

[to Margaret, about Mr. Hayes' fertility problems]

Dr. John Becker:
Let's put it this way: *you* have a higher sperm count.

Dr. John Becker:
Hey, Jake bro, I dig hangin with you homie. That's what your people say, right slice.

Jake Malinak:
Becker, man why must you belittle me and my people like this. I thought doctors were intelligent.

Dr. John Becker:
You have no sight, that amuses me immensely, especially because of the fact that I experience joys and pleasures you will never truly appreciate.

Linda:
Jeez, Becker calm down. Seriously, you have foam coming out of your mouth.

Dr. John Becker:
That's my special cream, don't you think about touching it or rubbing it on sensitive areas. Oh and blindy blind blind, you really hurt my feelings with your words.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[Becker has just finished an anti-religion rant, stood up from a lunch counter seat, and been narrowly missed by falling plaster from the ceiling] What do you have to say now, Becker?

Dr. John Becker:
If that was really God, would he have missed me?

Dr. John Becker:
Are you on any hallucinogens or narcotics?

Boyd Crossman:
No, but if you think it would help.

Kenny:
My sister says you can't get pregnant the first time you have sex.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, well, your sister's an idiot.

Kenny:
That's what my dad says.

Dr. John Becker:
So..., what's going on around here?

Jake Malinak:
Well, Reggie just split-up with her imaginary boyfriend.

Dr. John Becker:
Wow, even the pretend ones dump you.

Jake Malinak:
[On his voice mail] Hi, this is Jake. Look out the window. Now look in a mirror. If it's dark outside and you're John Becker, do me a favor. Go to hell.

Dr. John Becker:
[ten years previously, holds out a bottle of Scotch] Would you like a drink?

Margaret Wyborn:
No thanks.

Dr. John Becker:
Alcoholic.

Margaret Wyborn:
Job hunting.

Dr. John Becker:
When I was looking for a job, all I wanted to was drink.

Chris Connor:
[listening to Jake's keyboard playing a stripper drum solo] Boy, that brings back memories. Sophomore year. Couldn't get a student loan.

Dr. John Becker:
Ten years. That's the longest successful relationship I've ever had with a woman.

Margaret Wyborn:
It probably helped that I got to go home every day.

Dr. John Becker:
I suppose you expect me to give you a raise.

Margaret Wyborn:
No need. I gave myself one.

Dr. John Becker:
How much?

Margaret Wyborn:
Well, more than you would give me, but less than I deserve.

Dr. John Becker:
No, seriously. How much?

Jim:
Jerry left a note for you on the palm of my hand.

Dr. John Becker:
[reads Jim's palm] Well, there's no call for that kind of language.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[after typical Becker harangue] God, I hate it when he's like that.

Jake Malinak:
What, smug?

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
No, breathing.

Dr. John Becker:
Well, I see a lot of fans on the wall, but I don't see any actual degrees.

Dr. Chang:
Pre-med, Cornell. Med school, Johns Hopkins.

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah. Well, I went to Harvard.

Dr. Chang:
I taught at Harvard.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Great, now if you are done 'measuring.'

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
[after typical argument with Becker, and he leaves] What I wouldn't give to hear a screech and a thump right now!

Dr. John Becker:
[screech, but no thump] You missed me, ya bastard!

Bob:
There is no other guy. Lenny's the guy, other guys wish they knew guys who know guys like Lenny knows guys.

Bob:
Look, Bob knows a guy who supplies freezers to the whole east coast. I mean you'll get it for below what my guy gets it from guys who sell it through other guys who wish they were guys who knew guys like my guy.

Dr. John Becker:
White trash is the one natural resource this country will never run out of!

Margaret:
[When Becker gets back with his ex] "I haven't seen him this happy since his 6 piece McNuggets had 8 by mistake."

Jake Malinak:
Bob, you solve problems. Me, I sell people candy, cigarettes, and porn. I am their problems.

Regina "Reggie" Kostas:
Becker, I didn't know you had a cell phone.

Dr. John Becker:
I only use it for emergencies-like proving you wrong.

Jake Malinak:
[answering Bob's phone] Yeah? Your shower's leaking? You're on the list!

Bob:
How's it feel?

Jake Malinak:
[shaking his head with glee] It feels good!

Dr. John Becker:
[as date is leaving in disgust from his changed personality] Come one Beth, you gotta believe me. I don't care about your day. I don't care about your feelings. And you know what? That dress makes your ass look huge!

Dr. John Becker:
[as he is leaving Reggie's diner] And you! When are you going to fix my damn stove?

Bob:
You're on the list. [after Becker leaves] Like there's a list.

Chris Connor:
Ooh, it's cold outside. Feel. [puts her hands around Jake's neck]

Jake Malinak:
Ow! Why do women always do that? Why is it always, 'My hands are cold. Feel.' Why isn't it, 'My breasts are cold. Feel.'

Chris Connor:
Gee, I don't know. I'll bring it up at the next meeting.

Linda:
Can I leave early, Thursday? Thanks.

Margaret Wyborn:
You're welcome, and no, you may not. Thursday is my anniversary, and Louis is giving me a very special present. He's leaving town.

Hector Lopez:
Jake, you wanna come with me?

Jake Malinak:
Sure, you want some company?

Hector Lopez:
No, I need you so I can park in the handicapped zone.

Jake Malinak:
Well, okay... Hey, can I drive?

Hector Lopez:
Why not?

Dr. John Becker:
Last night after we kissed, I came over here and I slept with Reggie, so I don't think it's going to work out between us.

Chris Connor:
Wow!

Bob:
Why doesn't he just kick a dog while he's at it.

[reading Reggie's message]

Customer:
When I woke up this morning I realized that going to bed with you was the best thing I've ever done.

Dr. John Becker:
This is kind of embarrassing... Go on.

Customer:
It made me see just how desperate I really was.

Dr. John Becker:
[after Ming insulted Becker] Is that how you treat all your good customers?

Ming:
When you come in at 5:59 just for the early bird special, and then use so many coupons I end up owing you money, you are not a good customer.

Margaret Wyborn:
So, somebody finally shot you?

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah. You know, Margaret? I always thought it would be you.

Margaret Wyborn:
So did I.

Jake Malinak:
Hector, just the man I wanna see.

Hector Lopez:
Actually, you'd wanna see pretty well anybody.

Dickie:
Regular coffee will be fine.

Donna:
In a clean cup.

Chris Connor:
Oh, in a clean cup. I'll see what I can do. [aside to Jake at counter] What a b*tch!

Jake Malinak:
[walks from counter toward couple] Hi folks. I'm Jake. I run the newsstand here.

Dickie:
Do you here that, honey? He's blind, and he runs his own business.

Donna:
It's a newsstand, not Microsoft.

Jake Malinak:
[aside to Chris at counter] Not just a b*tch-a patronizing b*tch!

Donna:
[to Dickie, after he insulted her] That's it! I'm going to Paris! I'm going to shop my ass off! Actually, I'm going to shop your ass off!

Dickie:
[to Chris] I'd send John my regrets, but it seems I'm taking them to Paris.

Linda:
You know why we have so many young male patients? Because I have the ass of a 16 year old boy, which for some reason guys like.

Naomi:
He would have been forty... today.

Dr. John Becker:
Who? Who would have been forty?

Naomi:
My son.

[Becker hesitates, then turns back and sits next to Naomi]

Naomi:
It's funny. He got to work early that morning and called me just to chat about... dinner that weekend, the trip he was planning, the weather. It was such a beautiful September day. He said he could see practically all of Manhattan from his office. He loved that view. Then he had to go to a meeting. Didn't even say goodbye, just said he'd call me later. I did the dishes, I made coffee... and then I... just happened to turn on the TV. Ever since, I've thought of all things I would have said if I'd... known... I'd never talk to him again.

Dr. John Becker:
I'm so sorry.

Naomi:
[starts to cry] I've been telling myself to come down here ever since... since it happened. Now I've finally made it and... I can't go up there. I'm afraid to look and... and see... all that emptiness...

Dr. John Becker:
[about diner's new smoking ban] You can't do that. You gotta give a guy a warning.

Chris Connor:
What? Can't you read? There's one here on the package.

Dr. John Becker:
Yeah, yeah, yeah. A couple of rats get emphysema, it's supposed to change my life?

Chris Connor:
[seeing Bob and Jake hug] I gotta say, I didn't see this one coming.

Dr. John Becker:
Tony's gay.

Chris Connor:
Damn! The good ones are always taken, and the other ones are, well... you.

Dr. John Becker:
It's about Chris and a lesbian nurse.

Bob:
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! That's my favorite bedtime story.

Dr. John Becker:
All I know is, if they get together, I'm screwed.

Bob:
Oh, so you know how it ends.

Bob:
What's that, a cigarette? Ma, you can't smoke in here. That's oxygen.

Bob's Mother:
Relax, it's not lit. Besides, if they ever tell me I got five minutes to live, I don't want to waste em looking for it.

Linda:
Becker, what're you doing with all those oranges?

Dr. John Becker:
Quit asking, it isn't any of your business. Besides, I've got some bigger fish to fry.

Jake Malinak:
I don't smell any fish, I do smell oranges though.

Dr. John Becker:
You don't even know what orange is, you're blind. Anyway, I'm a doctor you guys. I got to cut open these oranges, take out the filling, and then put them back together. It's doctor training; you philistines couldn't comprehend. Toodalloo!

Jake Malinak:
I'm gonna break your legs Becker. Christmas is cancelled.

Dr. John Becker:
Linda, don't you ever think before you talk.

Linda:
No, I like to hear it first with everyone else!

Linda (Smith, Shawnee):
[tosses clipboard on table after learning Lester is married] Doctor'll be right with you.

Lester:
No, really. It hurts when I...

Linda (Smith, Shawnee):
Yeah, Yeah. Life's a b*tch. Tell your wife.

Chris Connor:
Just to set the record straight, I don't love you.

Dr. John Becker:
Well, I don't love you! I don't even know what made me think I could like you. You're so cute and sweet and nice and perky.

Chris Connor:
Oh! Well, it's better than being a cranky old fart!

Dr. John Becker:
I'm not cranky! There's just certain things that irritate me.

Chris Connor:
Yeah, everything irritates you! You wouldn't know happiness if it bit you in the ass!

Dr. John Becker:
Oh, yeah, why don't you bite me in the ass?

Chris Connor:
Oh, why don't you bite yourself in the ass? Your head's right there, anyway!

Dr. John Becker:
Just go away, would you?

Chris Connor:
I'm going! Good night!

Dr. John Becker:
Good night!

Chris Connor:
No, no, good *night*!

Dr. John Becker:
You wanna have dinner with me some time?

Chris Connor:
I'd love to!