ER

Dr. Doug Ross:
I'm a doctor and nothing gets in the way of that. Nothing.

Neela Rasgotra:
[after Ray begs her to allow his roommate to stay] Fine, but you're cleaning the bathroom this week... with actual cleaning products.

Malik:
[examining a trauma patient] Check it out, swastikas.

Nurse Connie Oligario:
I've got a "die n- die" here.

Nurse Lily Jarvik:
[to the patient] How do you feel about Asians?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
The food was terrible, the music stinks, the drinks were watered down, but you sure know how to throw a party.

Abby Lockhart:
In what possible universe would I say "Let's polka?"

Dr. Greg Pratt:
[looking at a snapshot of Jake] Nah, boxers would stick out more.

Neela Rasgotra:
It could be tighty whiteys.

Frank:
Thong.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Hey, maybe Abby could settle this.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Abby, boxers or briefs?

Abby Lockhart:
Actually, he goes commando.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Students wanna be residents... residents wanna be attendings...

Dr. John Carter:
And attendings just wanna be left alone.

Abby Lockhart:
Why'd you stick me with this guy?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
When did everyone become such scheduling divas?

Abby Lockhart:
Well, I don't need a student. I'm better flying solo.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Is there something wrong with him?

Abby Lockhart:
No, he's excellent. He's very good.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Oh, no, you like him, don't you?

Abby Lockhart:
Okay, you know what...?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
You do! You're blushing!

Abby Lockhart:
We never had this conversation. [starts to walk away]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Hey, haven't you had enough of doctors?

Neela Rasgotra:
[giving her large family the tour] Back there is the suture room where we attend to minor skin wounds. [a naked patient reveals himself] That's a naked patient. Let's step this way.

Nurse Haleh Adams:
I've been doin' this job for 17 years, honey. Doctors come and go, but nurses make this place run. We don't get much credit or pay. We see a lot of misery, a lot of dyin', but we come back every day. I've given up bein' appreciated, but I sure as hell won't let any of us be taken for granted.

Dr. Deb Chen:
Luka's sleeping.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
With who?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Frank, are you taking your cholesterol medication?

Frank:
No.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Good.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Last time he came in here, he yelled in my stethoscope.

Dr. Cleo Finch:
He grabbed my ass. Suck it up.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[Greene and Lewis discussing the hospital gossip about them] Mmm, yeah, and what is that, can I ask you? My car's in the shop, I drop Susie off at my parents, meet up with you to go tequila shopping, and all of a sudden we're having a torrid affair?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Who said it was torrid?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
No one, I'm just assuming it would be. [Greene looks at her] That's not what I meant.

Dr. Mark Greene:
That's OK, I know what you meant... I'm sure it would be too... Why wouldn't it be?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
...No reason at all. [she stares at Greene and then at her margarita] There's not enough lime in this.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
It's not a good idea to shock a patient who's wide-awake.

Patient:
It's all ending today! Today is the last day!

Dr. John Carter:
Oh, great, I have to work. I'm always working when the world ends.

Dr. Michael Gallant:
This may sound silly now, but outside in the bay this morning, I was thinking about asking you out.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
I was thinking about saying yes.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Okay, I'm gonna go to Doc Magoo's, get some breakfast, find a toothbrush, change my underwear, and then I'll clear your board.

Abby Lockhart:
You're nicer than I am.

Dr. Mark Greene:
That's not much solace.

Abby Lockhart:
I'm sorry.

Frank:
I thought he froze to death last winter

Abby Lockhart:
The iceman cometh back.

Dr. John Carter:
[after Abby caught him kissing Susan] It's really more about friendship than anything else.

Abby Lockhart:
Really? I've never seen you kiss Frank like that.

Doris Pickman:
Just a scalp lac. No LOC, and enough alcohol in her breath to light a small fire.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
You might consider boarding school. She could use some structure

Dr. Mark Greene:
I could sell her off to pirates.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
You develop a sense of self worth, community, respect... it worked well for me.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yeah, but...

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
But what?

Dr. Mark Greene:
You're British.

Patient:
You're the first woman I've talked to in 14 months.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Yeah, I get that a lot. In high school I was voted "Most Likely to marry a convict".

Abby Lockhart:
[admiring Luka's dinner preparations] Have you been watching Martha Stewart again?

Dr. Dave Malucci:
You're not the first to be deceived by my rugged good looks and boyish charm.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Why do I feel like a school kid out here?

Dr. John Carter:
It must be the adolescent sexual tension.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Hey, what do you use for maggots these days?

Dr. Mark Greene:
It's a nice thought, but Kerry's immune to it...

Abby Lockhart:
[after Carter arrives] Glad you're here. Your fan club is getting restless.

Nurse Haleh Adams:
What is it with you and nuns, Carter?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
It's almost kinky.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Our job is to save lives not to judge them.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
[leaving Luka a message] Luka, this is Kerry Weaver. I'm down two attendings and up 40 patients. If you don't get in here and start working your scheduled shifts, I'm gonna call the INS, tell 'em your greencard's a fake, and have your ass deported

Randi Fronczak:
Hey Dr Greene. [holds up a knife] Surgery sent it down. Can I keep it?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
All he did was talk about his ex for 45 minutes, who also happened to be named Susan. How much he loved her, how much he wanted to marry her, how much he wanted to have 5 or 6 children with her... Do I want children?... Do I want 5 or 6 children?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Okay, Tad could be worse.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I'm not even there yet, Mark. I look over, and he has this drop of red wine hanging from his nose.

Dr. Mark Greene:
What?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
You heard me, this puny little blob just hanging there. So of course I couldn't take my eyes off of it. Is it gonna fall? is it gonna hang there all night? Is his skin gonna absorb it?

Dr. Mark Greene:
How did it get there?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Mark!

Dr. Mark Greene:
No really, how do you get your nose that far into a wine glass? Was he smelling it or...

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[laughing] Mark, please!

Dr. Mark Greene:
What happened?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I went to the bathroom and snuck out the window.

Dr. Mark Greene:
You're kidding.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Nope.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Wow.

Bernard Gamely:
[walks into chairs, and sees Lucy sitting in the middle of a luau group] Hey, Luce, you just get here?

Lucy Knight:
Bernard, what are you doing?

Bernard Gamely:
[looking around at the scene] What happened?

Lucy Knight:
Oh, some fire twirler burnt his butt, and the whole troupe's waiting for him.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I need you to promise me you're not going to kill yourself in the next seventy-two hours.

Ben Hollander:
But Monday would be okay?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I'm off the hook by then.

Dr. Michael Gallant:
Doctor Lewis!

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[talking to herself] And I used to think that was so cool to hear... "Doctor Lewis"...

Dr. John Carter:
You look tired.

Abby Lockhart:
Really?

Dr. John Carter:
Come to think of it, Frank looks tired, too.

Abby Lockhart:
Yeah, that's because I spent the night slapping his ass until 3:00 a.m.

Dr. John Carter:
Really?

Abby Lockhart:
Well, have you seen him getting down today?

Dr. John Carter:
Let's see. Frank! Have you gotten down today?

Frank:
What?

Dr. John Carter:
Never mind.

[Randi is reading everyone's horoscope]

Randi Fronczak:
Hey, Abby. What's your sign?

Abby Lockhart:
"Out of order".

Dr. John Carter:
So, what are you gonna do tonight?

Dr. Deb Chen:
Oh, the usual. Get drunk, meet a random guy at the bar and have a night of wild sex until I pass out from sheer exhaustion.

Dr. John Carter:
Takeout and a hot bath?

Dr. Deb Chen:
Yeah.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[to a patient strapped to a gurney] What's your name, sir?

Patient:
Edward Kaplin, call me Eddie. You the doc?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Yes I am. How are you feeling?

Patient:
Haven't been tied up this tight since last Saturday night.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Thank you for sharing, Mr. Kaplin

Dr. Michael Gallant:
You know, earlier, in the ambulance bay, I was thinking of asking you out.

Neela Rasgotra:
And I was thinking of saying yes.

[Medical student Michael Gallant has worked in the army]

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
So working in the ER might not be so crazy to you.

Dr. Michael Gallant:
Well, it's a different kind of "crazy".

Abby Lockhart:
So how was it... last night with the surgeon?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
It was... splendid.

Abby Lockhart:
Splendid? Is the British for hot and sweaty?

Abby Lockhart:
If we were guys, we'd be talking about carbureters.

[Ross is a pediatrician]

Dr. Doug Ross:
I'm not a grown-up doctor.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
Yes, we know.

Benton's Mother:
Your talent is God's gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Is anybody in this city not sick? It's like the damn plague down here.

Dr. Robert Romano:
...And if wishes were horses, we'd be knee-deep in crap.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I've found a way to limit my Romano exposure.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Oh yeah, what's that? Garlic?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Weaver and the sound of her own voice: A love story.

[about working in the ER]

Dr. Luka Kovac:
It's really not so bad down here, Abby.

Abby Lockhart:
Oh yeah? Compared to what?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Hey Jerry, don't we have a 'Lost and now is ours' box?

Dr. Mark Greene:
How they holding up?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Stick a fork in them they've been Weavered.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Hey, Chief, am I a yuppie?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
No, but you will be when you grow up.

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
No meat, no men, I'm your girl.

Alex Taggart:
You get any freaks in here today? You know, guys with elephant man disease or axes stuck in their heads?

Frank:
No!

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Should you be looking at that?

Alex Taggart:
I'm going to become a doctor.

Frank:
Dollars to donuts, that kid is already dissecting the neighborhood pets.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Good news and bad news. The bad news is my enlarged prostate guy needs a tube shoved up his urethra. The good news is he gets to have you in his pants.

Ken Ambrose:
Don't touch it! It hurts!

Dr. Greg Pratt:
We're gonna take care of that.

Ken Ambrose:
Oh, God, I see a light!

Dr. Greg Pratt:
You're not dying. It's just your ankle.

Ken Ambrose:
Oh, God! Ohhhhh!

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Did you even take the Hippocratic Oath?

Dr. Robert Romano:
I had my fingers crossed.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Ladies, if I wanted to see a good cat fight I'd watch The View

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[playing on a Playstation] Come on, we can hunt zombies together.

Abby Lockhart:
Couldn't we just, reason with them?

Dr. Mark Greene:
There are no small patients Carter...

Dr. Dave Malucci:
What about dwarves?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
[showing medical students around] Most interns send their samples without knowing what happens once they're there. Let's pretend we're a urine sample and find out.

Dr. John Carter:
We have a man with a large carrot stuck in his colon coming in.

Lucy Knight:
How did he ever swallow it whole?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
You pulled all that out of patient's stomachs?

Dr. John Carter:
I sure did.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Is that my pen you pulled out?

Dr. John Carter:
Rear end.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
[complaining about her tardy staff] It's five after seven, is there some kind of natural disaster that I'm unaware of? An earthquake or half of Chicago's been swallowed up by a giant sinkhole?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
If I was stuck on a train with my family... Well bad example, I'd throw myself on the tracks.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I always knew you loved your children, but I never realized how much you fell in love with them. Little Susie was like a story book, every smile a new page to be poured over, touched, remembered... I loved my storybook. For the first time in a long time, I didn't feel so alone.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Hey, those are nice shoes. What are they, Adidas?

Dr. Victor Clemente:
Get laid, Morris.

Dr. John Carter:
I got stabbed! I got stabbed in the back! Where the hell where you? You were the same place you've been my entire life, you were someplace else!

Dr. Robert Romano:
Tell your chief of staff I expect him to treat each of my patients as if it were his mother, but without all the inappropriate touching.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
You know what? I'm really very flattered. It's just that I'm, uh... I mean... gosh, you're such a beautiful woman. You're... you're so beautiful. But I'm... I... I'm straight... I mean, I don't... I'm straight. Oh, God. Oh, my God. I don't know... I don't know what's... [starts laughing, then stops abruptly] I mean, I'm sorry... I just... I don't... I feel very... [exhales]... I'm... You know what?... I... I just... I mean, I... I guess I never even really considered this.

[On a rapist in trauma]

Malik:
Let the bastard die.

Dr. Mark Greene:
He's a patient like any other. He gets our best effort.

Nurse Lily Jarvik:
Anyone seen Dr. Weaver?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Follow the trail of partially-digested residents.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
It's a bizarre thing, Daniel, which makes you a very bizarre guy, but we like that around here.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Yep, almost midnight. Let the screaming begin.

Jerry Markovic:
So you say you're sick, you're broke, you're unemployed and uninsured. Yea, sure, come on over.

[In the OR]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Will somebody turn down the damn heat. Feels like a hundred in here.

Nurse:
The thermostat is set at 68 degrees.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Maybe you're coming down with the flu.

Dr. Robert Romano:
It's NOT the flu.

Nurse:
Maybe you're going through "The Change."

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
That's it, Mark. I'm not stayin' here anymore. Every faucet leaks; your toilet actually rocks.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I kind of like that.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
There are things scurrying about in the walls. Do you know what scurries about in walls, Mark?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Bunnies?

Dr. Mark Greene:
You know, people think kids don't listen to their parents, but they do. And if you tell them they are nothing, they think they are nothing.

Abby Lockhart:
We've all cried... Sometimes it's the only thing you can do.

Female patient:
If men needed abortions, there would be drive-thru windows with beer on tap and ESPN on the TVs.

Jerry Markovic:
Dr. Ross, this came for you.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Bad news?

Dr. Doug Ross:
No. Just got denied a loan by a bank whose motto is "We loan money to anyone."

[Malucci is shooting hoops with a mini basketball net in the ER]

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Need something to do, Malucci?

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Uh, no thanks, Chief, I'm swamped.

Dr. Greg Pratt:
Did I miss anything?

Dr. Robert Romano:
Yes. Your calling, as a hoodlum.

Abby Lockhart:
Can you help me with this? [hands Susan a bunch of X-Ray results]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Well, I've denied my bladder this long...

Alex Taggart:
I'm going to become a doctor when I grow up.

Frank:
Dollars to donuts that kid's already dissecting neighborhood pets.

Dr. Robert Romano:
I'm beginning to think that "ER" stands for "everyone's retarded".

Nurse Sam Taggart:
Men only think about three things: food, sports and sex. Dogs are more mysterious.

Carol Hathaway:
What were you thinking? What could you possibly have thought would happen tonight? That you would show up on my doorstep at midnight, drunk and I would find that as some sort grand gesture of love? That I would invite you back into my life, into my bed? Is that what you imagined would happen tonight? You have no right to even think about doing this.

Dr. Doug Ross:
I'm sorry.

Carol Hathaway:
Do you think you love me? For how long Doug? How long till you start wondering if there isn't someone better in the next room or the next bar? How long until that little voice in your head reminds you of all the infinite 22-year-olds you could be screwing tomorrow, or the next day, or the next? I will not let you do this to me again. [exits]

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
Self respect's a b*tch.

Abby Lockhart:
I'm beginning to hate Neela.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Well, she's a med student.

Abby Lockhart:
I'm a med student!

Dr. Susan Lewis:
To tell you the truth, she's starting to piss me off, too. Let's hate her together.

[Dr. Weaver is about to throw a preacher out of the hospital]

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Oh, no. Soon he'll start trying to heal people, and that's bad for business.

Nicole:
[Nicole made cookies] They're for Luka. Want some?

Dr. John Carter:
[looking at Abby] No, I would never touch Luka's cookies.

Alex Taggart:
[to Luka, while playing a video game] Bite me, you Slav bastard.

Nurse Sam Taggart:
Are you okay?

Ben Hollander:
Yeah. I'm blind, getting blinder every day. Life is good.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I can't wait to go home and get into bed. What do you think the chances are of Antonio Banderas waiting there for me?

Abby Lockhart:
First rule of girls' club is: you do not talk about girls' club.

Neela Rasgotra:
Where'd you learn that trick?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
What, sitting on a patient? I learned it from a congolese nurse named Mwadi.

Dr. Cleo Finch:
Happy Hannukah, Kwanza, whatever...

Dr. Mark Greene:
[to young patient] Next time you have a pinata, make sure the other kids are done swinging at it before you dive for the candy, okay?

Neela Rasgotra:
What does R.W stand for?

Abby Lockhart:
Really whiney?

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Refusal to walk.

Neela Rasgotra:
Refusal to walk has its own abbreviation.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I feel like I'm in Junior High School again.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[Weaver approaches them] Ooh, here comes the assistant principal.

Dr. Mark Greene:
[to the bickering Chen and Malucci] You know why we only had one kid? So I wouldn't have to deal with the two of them fighting in the backseat.

Jerry Markovic:
Dr. Clemente?

Jerry Markovic:
Just a minute, please.

Jerry Markovic:
Uh, well CT's calling about your patient Darrel Insley.

Dr. Victor Clemente:
Yeah, so what did Big Darrel do now?

Jerry Markovic:
He stopped breathing.

Dr. Victor Clemente:
And why the hell would he do that?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
For a long time, even when we weren't connecting a lot, you've... you've been the one person I can count on.

Abby Lockhart:
I feel like that, too. You know that means a lot to me, that friendship.

Frank:
[describing Jodie] She's kind of a looker, in an 'interstate off-ramp' kind of way.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I don't even know who she is!

Abby Lockhart:
She knows who you are.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I don't think so.

Abby Lockhart:
Oh, Luka, every woman who works in the hospital knows who you are. Trust me.

Dr. Mark Greene:
[Going over a new colour schedule] Doug, you have a problem?

Dr. Doug Ross:
No, just call me Mr. Blue.

Carol Hathaway:
Doug can you help me out here. "If a red quark is attracted to an anti-red quark, is it a gluon or a meson?"

Dr. Doug Ross:
Thank you, Carol, for pointing out something else i know nothing about.

Dr. Doug Ross:
[Telling Carol about when he did his physics exam] He told us we could bring in one sheet into the exam with all the formulas written on it.

Carol Hathaway:
And?

Dr. Doug Ross:
I brought in a really big sheet.

Helicopter Paramedic:
You ever flown before?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yeah, tons of times.

Carol Hathaway:
Oh, Doug, not another serious conversation.

Dr. Doug Ross:
You used to say we didn't communicate.

Carol Hathaway:
I know, but now you're communicating a little too much.

Dr. Doug Ross:
This is important. Can I have a drawer?

Carol Hathaway:
What?

Dr. Doug Ross:
A drawer. Something you keep your clothes in-something that i can put my clothes in.

Carol Hathaway:
You never wanted a drawer before.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Carter, take our friend here, I'm afraid I might stick an IV pole up his ass.

Dr. John Carter:
[Instructing his med student] Grab that penis and show it who's boss.

Stanley:
Larry took a bunch of pills, drank a bottle of gin, slit his wrists, and jumped into Lake Michigan.

Patient:
Larry really wanted to die.

Abby Lockhart:
Oh man, I uh...

Patient:
Don't worry dear, you're really very good at this.

Patient:
Yeah, everybody loves your sessions.

Stanley:
Everybody except Larry.

Carol Hathaway:
You can run but you cannot hide!

Patient:
What do you do to work out?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I do these [curls arm]

Patient:
Curls? How much?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Sometimes a whole pitcher of magaritas.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I think you should talk to him, he seems depressed.

Abby Lockhart:
He's european, it's his baseline.

Dr. Greg Pratt:
[about Gallant's twin sister] What's she look like?

Dr. Michael Gallant:
Picture me in a dress.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Chocolate?

Nurse Sam Taggart:
Too early. We like bagels in the morning.

Dr. Greg Pratt:
I'm having dinner with a guy.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Is he cute?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Try not to hit Morris with any desk tools.

Abby Lockhart:
I'm not promising anything.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
I think Weaver's got it in for me. I dont know what I ever did to Festus to get her so pissed.

Dr. John Carter:
Maybe it was calling her Festus.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Well, never to her face.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Gus, how are you doing?

Patient:
Haven't thrown up in an hour.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
What about the other end?

Patient:
It's slowing down.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
That's what I like to hear.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
[about Jake] No need to talk about it?

Abby Lockhart:
No, denial works.

Patient:
[Regarding Neela] What is she, 10?

Dr. Greg Pratt:
Actually, she's 16.

Abby Lockhart:
[while baby shopping] Maybe a mobile of Croatian diplomats?

Abby Lockhart:
These are the desk clerks, Jerry and Frank, please don't feed them.

Abby Lockhart:
I have the results from your blood exams. They show that you have leukemia.

Patient:
[Takes a deep breath and resumes talking] Thank God! I thought you were going to say I have cancer!

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
[to Dr. Romano] You're a despicable human being. Do you know that?"

[Neela is looking at a picture of Abby, Luka, and Joe]

Frank Martin:
You should get one of those.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
A husband or a baby?

Frank Martin:
Yeah.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Stop breathing so loud!

Frank Martin:
Stop tapping your pen!

Dr. Archie Morris:
Mouth-breather!

Frank Martin:
Pen-tapping garden gnome!

[Harold has decided he doesn't want to be a surgeon]

Harold Zelinsky:
Neela, it's over.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Was I not a good teacher? Did we not spend enough time together?

Harold Zelinsky:
We both did our best to make this work.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Well, was it something I said, or didn't say?

Harold Zelinsky:
It's not you, Neela. It's me.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
The closest thing I have to a personal relationship is Harold Zelinsky, a 19-year-old intern... and he just dumped me!

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
I'm a doctor, and I'm single. All I have is Project Runway!

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
I don't care how many babies people have, or how many dates you miss. Very few people could have done what you did today. Hey. You have a gift, Neela. You have a gift. The minute you start comparing yourself to others is the minute that you forget you're doing exactly what you are meant to do.

[Abby calls Morris a name in Croatian]

Dr. Archie Morris:
Oh, what is that, some kind of nasty Croatian word? Something about me and a goat?

Dr. Archie Morris:
I'm sick of getting bit, kicked, and pissed on.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Guess you stopped dating too, huh?

John Carter:
[sighs] I thought I was gonna be sick. [pause] I'm sorry.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Don't ever say you're sorry. See, there's two kinds of doctors... there's the kind that gets rid of their feelings, and the kind that keeps them. If you're gonna keep your feelings, you're gonna get sick from time to time - that's just how it works. [pause] Keep your head down. [pause] [squats down beside Carter] People come in here and they're sick and dying and bleeding, and they need our help. Helping them is more important than how we feel.

John Carter:
[nods]

Dr. Mark Greene:
But it's still a pain the ass sometimes.

John Carter:
[laughs]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Sometimes, I just want to quit and do somethin' else. [looks at Carter and smiles] Yeah. [pause] Why don't you take a few more minutes?

John Carter:
[nods] [whispers] Okay.

Dr. Mark Greene:
By the way, I was in medical school with Benton... and he used to get sick *all the time*, so... don't let him give ya any crap. You're gonna be fine.

Patient:
Are you married?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
No, I'm a doctor.

Dr. Mark Greene:
See, there's two kinds of doctors. The kind that gets rid of their feelings. And the kind that keeps them. If you're going to keep your feelings, you're going to get sick from time to time. That's just how it works.

Dr. Mark Greene:
[giving orders to an intern as doctors begin scattering] Do you know what this is all about?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Building collapsed in the Loop. They're sending us a dozen hot ones.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yeah, well who's on?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Just us.

Dr. Mark Greene:
[to intern] OK, forget all that.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Anybody want any coffee?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Yeah, I do.

Dr. Peter Benton:
How do you take it?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Same as yesterday and the day before that.

Dr. Peter Benton:
And they call *me* a smartass.

Carol Hathaway:
[entering the lounge, all the doctors stare at her] Is something wrong?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Oh, you bet there is. We're out of coffee again because the nurses have been taking it, that's what's wrong.

Carol Hathaway:
So make some more.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Make some more? We work 36 hours on, 18 off, which is 90 hours a week, 52 weeks a year. For that, we are paid $23,739 before taxes, and we also have to *make* the coffee?

Carol Hathaway:
My heart is breaking.

Dr. Peter Benton:
[the regular ER doctors are watching new med student John Carter wait nervously at the desk] Oh, man, would you look at this?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Huh. That's the first tailored white coat I've ever seen.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Isn't he lovely.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Lovely.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Think he knows anything?

Dr. Doug Ross:
He knows how to dress.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Well, he's my student. I'll find out.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Do you know how to start an IV?

Dr. John Carter:
Uh... actually, no.

Dr. Peter Benton:
I thought you were third year.

Dr. John Carter:
I am... but all I've done are dermatology and psychiatry.

Dr. Peter Benton:
The well-dressed specialities, huh?

Dr. Peter Benton:
[showing Carter around] X-Ray is around the corner. They're a bunch of idiots.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[instructing Carter] Dr. Benton is one of the best residents we have, you learn everything you can from him - except attitude.

[walks away]

Dr. Peter Benton:
He didn't mean that.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[from next room] Yes he did!

Dr. Peter Benton:
Do we have anybody to sew up?

Nurse Haleh Adams:
How would I know?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Ya know, I love this great spirit of camaraderie, everybody wants to help, you know?

Nurse Lydia Wright:
[Hathaway has been brought into the ER on a gurney] Why'd she do it?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Doesn't matter why she did it. We don't ask that about any other OD that comes through these doors and we don't ask it about this one.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[a patient is worried he has lung cancer] Mr. Parker, if there's one thing you learn in my job, it's that nothing is certain. Nothing that seems very bad and nothing that seems very good. Nothing is certain. Nothing.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[Benton performed an emergency surgical operation, even though he wasn't qualified to] Peter? You did a good job. You were lucky as hell, but you were right to open him up. Good work.

Dr. Peter Benton:
[showing Carter around the ER] This is Dr. Morgenstern. He's the head of ER. Watch out. He eats students for lunch.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[shaking hands with Carter] David Morgenstern.

John Carter:
John Carter.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[to Benton] Uh, when did that severed hand go up?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Vascular took it up an hour ago. I just hope they can do it right.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[turning to Carter] Dr. Benton is one of the best residents we have. You learn everything you can from him, except attitude.

[Morgenstern leaves]

Dr. Peter Benton:
He didn't mean that.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
[offscreen] Yes, he did.

Julia Dupree:
We have our dead, and we have let them go. Now let's turn our attention back to the work of the living.

Mae Benton:
Carter? You got people in Tennessee?

John Carter:
On my father's side.

Mae Benton:
I think his people owned our people.

[notices blood on the floor]

Dr. Doug Ross:
Reminds me of "Carrie". The movie, not the attending.

[Dr. Morgenstern is practicing procedures in the morgue]

Dr. David Morgenstern:
Kerry Weaver, meet John DeLeo. Welder, father of five. Never retired, despite crippling arthritis. Outlived three of his kids. Never left Chicago.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
You know all that about this cadaver?

Dr. David Morgenstern:
No. I made it up.

[notices Jeanie crying]

Scott Anspaugh:
It's ok. I've made women cry before.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[about her blind date] Let's put it this way: I almost had to fake it.

Dr. Deb Chen:
An orgasm?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
A seizure.

Dr. John Carter:
What do I want? I want you to stop being so afraid. I want us to stop being so careful.

Abby Lockhart:
I'm not afraid! I'm just...

Dr. John Carter:
I wanna marry you!

Abby Lockhart:
What?

Dr. John Carter:
I wanna marry you.

Abby Lockhart:
Are you proposing?

Dr. John Carter:
Yeah.

Abby Lockhart:
You're crazy

Dr. John Carter:
Well then, I'll fit right in.

[about Romano]

Randi Fronczak:
He's a weird little dude, isn't he?

Dr. Robert Romano:
Will somebody call the Tiffany's Search and Rescue team?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Maybe you could wear Swastikas with that outfit. You could be a naughty Nazi nurse.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
You totally suck, you know that?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Hey, careful! Creating a hostile work environment!

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I lost my wedding ring!

Dr. Robert Romano:
Oh, boo-hoo, this guy's about to lose a leg. I'd say chop-chop, but that would be in extremely bad taste.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
I'm not working with him.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Why?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Because he treats nurses like idiots.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Hey, if your boots fit!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Shoes.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Whatever.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Luka... take care of this place for me.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I will.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Here you go. [squeaky voice] Thank you, Tony. [normal voice] You're welcome, Sarah. Hey, come on, you can't stay mad at me forever.

Sarah Riley:
Why not?

Dr. Tony Gates:
Because of this. [makes sad face]

Sarah Riley:
What are you doing?

Dr. Tony Gates:
My sympathetic doctor face.

Sarah Riley:
You look stupid.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Way to go.

Dr. Tony Gates:
It was your fault.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Yeah, right.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Yeah, I am right.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Don't be an idiot.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Ass-for-brains.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
You called for a consult?

Dr. Tony Gates:
Actually, I dialed the Hot Surgeons chat line.

Gracie:
When I was your age, I had two jobs.

Alex Taggart:
Yeah, doing what, milking a T-Rex?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I just wanna say that I think that you've probably seen me at my best, and, um, at my worst. And even though we didn't always see eye to eye, um... you helped me go from a nurse, to a med student, to a doctor... to a mom.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
I'm the one who's supposed to be upset, here.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I know, sorry. [laughs]

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
You were always there as a nurse and a doctor. And most importantly, you've always been here as my friend.

[They hug]

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Do you think this happens to the guys when one of them leaves?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
I heard Carter bawled like a baby when he left.

Dr. Tony Gates:
You won't care about me in a few years, anyway. You'll run off an marry that Horndog character, and have six kids and eight cats.

Sarah Riley:
We broke up.

Dr. Tony Gates:
What?

Sarah Riley:
Yeah.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Oh, God, you know, I really never liked that guy.

Sarah Riley:
It was my fault. He found out I like Kevin MacIntyre.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Jezebel!

Dr. Robert Romano:
Did anyone bother to verify that there really are medical schools in Croatia?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
Sorry, she's one of my Mathletes. Anastasia, you're going to have to go over there and sit with the rest of the team.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Mathletes?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
Yeah, she's on the math team. They compete in math tournaments.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Oh yeah, we used to call them "geeks."

Anastasia Chang:
These numbers, discovered in different cultures, in different centuries, all add to zero, proving the universe is perfect. Proving the existence of *God*.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Hey, I can't even prove I paid my gas bill.

[Dr. Oliver Kostin, the doctor who founded the County ER, is now a patient]

Dr. David Morgenstern:
I was pre-med, volunteering at the hospital when they made him chief in '68. Back then, the ER was a glorified walk-in clinic, where you were seen by unsupervised interns, and residents with no training. And the community ERs were even worse. Staffed by moonlighting dermatologists and psychiatrists, or drunks who'd been banned from private practice. There was no 911, no paramedics, and if you needed an ambulance, you called a funeral home. Ollie once said: "You stand a better chance of surviving a gunshot wound in Vietnam than a car crash in Chicago." But he changed all that. He developed the 911 system, he trained thousands of paramedics, and started one of the finest residency programs in emergency medicine. You're all here because of this guy.

Carol Hathaway:
On the twelfth day of Christmas, / my true love gave to me... uhhh...

[all the other ER docs enter and start singing]

Dr. Doug Ross:
12 tone deaf doctors.

Dr. Mark Greene:
11 lords a lording.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
10 drummers drumming.

Dr. John Carter:
9 something something.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
8 maids a milking.

Malik:
7 swans a swatting.

Harper:
6 geese a gagging.

Everyone:
5 golden rings. 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtledoves, and a partridge in a pear tree.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Okay, cowboy, I've got a vascular surgeon, an anesthesiologist, and three surgical residents waiting upstairs in an OR suite that rents for five grand an hour.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
He wants to stay with his wife.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Well, isn't that touching.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
She's dying.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Yeah, well, if doesn't die faster, he's going to be dying with her.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I've explained all that.

Dr. Robert Romano:
I'm going upstairs. If he's not up there in five minutes, I'm going take out your spleen.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Luka, why is Jessie Callahan still in Trauma One? I'm curious because you pronounced her dead an hour ago.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Her husband wouldn't go up to the OR unless she passed, so I unhooked her leads and pronounced her.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Good God! What happens when he comes back down from surgery and finds out his wife is still alive?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I'll tell him it was a miracle.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Come on upstairs, sir, where the good drugs are.

Reporter Disguised as a Nurse:
Haven't you ever heard of the 1st Amendment?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Have you ever heard of an awake colonoscopy?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
[Whistles at Carter]

Dr. John Carter:
That's sexual harassment, isn't it?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
You bet!

Alderman John Bright:
[about Dr. Romano] Tragic about his arm. Lots of people downtown wish it had been his head.

[about an unruly small dog that keep barking and snapping at him]

Dr. Mark Greene:
This isn't a dog. It's a small furry object suitable for punting.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[holding Brian against the pool table after he punched Abby] You touch her again... I'll kill you.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna shower, I'm gonna change my clothes, okay?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Be careful, because the evil daughter's there waiting for me.

Eleanor Carter:
Your brother believed me when I told him he'd get better. It didn't matter where he was, how he felt, what the doctor said. I told him he'd get better. He died believing me.

Dr. John Carter:
No. He was pretending for you. That was another one of our secrets. I was supposed to not let you be sad. I was supposed to make you forget. To make you happy. He made me promise to make you happy... I'm sorry, Mom.

[they hug]

Eleanor Carter:
I love you. Do you hear me? I love you.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Where did you get that?

Jerry Markovic:
What?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
The bagel.

Jerry Markovic:
I found it under the desk. Somebody threw away perfectly good dip, too. You want some?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Aww... you should go home. Now.

[Luka is being required to talk to a psychiatrist]

Dr. Luka Kovac:
My family died during the war in Croatia. So I came to America. I had a relationship with someone I cared about, which I then ruined. So I started to look for the answers in the wrong places, you know, like sex, drinking, living fast. I killed a patient I should have saved, and then I almost killed a medical student in a car crash. So I woke up one morning, and everything I thought I had was gone. Gone or broken. So what do you have for that?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
So, you're Julia?

Julia:
Yeah, you're Susan.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Yeah, I work at the hospital.

Julia:
I know. Sean said that you were the only doctor he ever met who was like a friend. And, um, that you were hot.

Abby Lockhart:
You watch me when we make love...

Dr. Luka Kovac:
You're beautiful.

Stanley:
Hey, hey, who is he?

George Deakins:
We met last week.

Stanley:
No.

Lloyd:
I don't remember.

George Deakins:
I sat right there.

Christine:
We don't remember you!

Abby Lockhart:
George was referred by the ER. He has a problem with...

George Deakins:
Exhibitionism.

Bob:
Let's see it!

Abby Lockhart:
Where's Larry?

[nobody answers]

Abby Lockhart:
Hello? Larry Jacobson, sad guy... talks about death a lot?

Stanley:
That ain't just talk.

Abby Lockhart:
What?

Lloyd:
He killed himself.

Stanley:
He took a bunch of pills, drank a bottle of gin, slit his wrists, and jumped into Lake Michigan.

Christine:
Larry *really* wanted to be dead.

Abby Lockhart:
Oh... man! I... I'm...

Estelle:
Don't worry dear, you're really very good at this.

Lloyd:
Yeah, everybody loves your sessions.

Stanley:
Yeah... everybody, except Larry.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Let me guess... whatever you geeks were doing up there is strictly illegal.

Colin:
No, it's - i - it's legitimate science, word.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Did you just say "word" to me?

Yuri:
Uh, well, uh, it wasn't exactly authorized.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
So we're saving lives, and you're up there playing Jekyll and Hyde. Wanna tell me what it was?

Yuri:
Just... we don't wanna get kicked out.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Forget it. Just hang down here for 20 minutes. Then you can get back to wiring electrodes to your nuts for all I care.

Lucy Knight:
[On the roof of the hospital] Rough first day?

Abby Lockhart:
[smoking a cigarette] Well, let's just say, it's been two years since I've had one of these.

Lucy Knight:
What happened?

Abby Lockhart:
More like what didn't happen. When I was up in OB, I would deliver a baby, then I would deliver a baby, and today, I was puked on, spit at, bit, and then I tricked a psychotic woman, and I almost killed a guy.

Lucy Knight:
That sounds about right. Fortunately in the ER, almost doesn't count.

[starts throwing money off the roof from a tin box]

Abby Lockhart:
What are you doing?

Lucy Knight:
Patient's last request. Toss some, you might feel better.

Carol Hathaway:
You're *a med student*?

Abby Lockhart:
What can I say? I crossed over to the Dark Side.

Dr. Robert Romano:
[the ER is full of flu sufferers] Is anybody in this city NOT sick? It's like the damn plague down here!

Dr. Archie Morris:
[after learning that Simon had been molested as a child] Simon, do you need to talk to somebody about this? It doesn't just go away.

Dr. Simon Brenner:
[whispering] I need to get back to work.

Dr. Archie Morris:
If it's still affecting you, you have to deal with it.

Dr. Simon Brenner:
I am dealing with it, in my own way.

[about Neela's lawsuit]

Dr. Simon Brenner:
Look, I'll speak to Anspaugh, and I bet it'll get tossed out.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Yeah, it better, or else I'll be doing a ho stroll down Division street.

Dr. Archie Morris:
We're all dying. Stress just gets you there faster.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[in Santa hat] Ho-ho!

Frank:
Well, look what the reindeer dragged in.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
This is for you, Frank.

[hands him a scarf]

Frank:
Wow! Last time this hospital gave me a present was when that helicopter fell on Romano.

Frank:
The last time I got a present at this hospital is when the helicopter fell on Romano.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[looks confused] Are we spending Christmas together?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
That's what you said last night.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
No I didn't.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[grinning] Well, you probably don't remember everything you said.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[laughs and punches Luka's arm] Shut up.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
We should.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
We should? [Luka nods] Okay. Well, I should change.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I'll help.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I'm making Croatian breaded turkey for dinner tomorrow. What are you cooking?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Cooking? Do you have amnesia from the last time we dated?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Oh no, girl, Alex and I broke up.

Nurse Connie Oligario:
What happened? I thought he was The Man.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Yeah, so did my neighbor.

Nurse Yosh Takata:
Ouch.

[after Carter and Lucy were discovered]

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
How long d'you think they were lying there?

Dr. Jing-Mei 'Deb' Chen:
Long enough to lose a couple of liters.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
I can't believe nobody saw anything.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Let's talk about it later.

[while treating Lucy]

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
People were having parties while these two were in there bleading to death.

[Benton rushes to Carter]

Dr. Peter Benton:
Is he conscious? Is he conscious?

[while treating Carter who has been stabbed to the back]

Dr. Jing-Mei 'Deb' Chen:
Right pupil is five millimeters and reactive, left is- John! John!

[Carter regains consciousness]

Dr. John Carter:
Deb?

Dr. Jing-Mei 'Deb' Chen:
Look at me. D'you know where you are?

Dr. John Carter:
My back.

Dr. Jing-Mei 'Deb' Chen:
You were stabbed. We've got your pressure up.

Dr. John Carter:
Lucy?

Officer Tom Bennini:
John, I'm officer Bennini, did you see the man that stabbed you?

[Carter shakes his head]

Dr. Jing-Mei 'Deb' Chen:
Wait, wait, do we need to do this right now?

Officer Tom Bennini:
It's better if I can...

Dr. Jing-Mei 'Deb' Chen:
You'll have to wait, I'm sorry!

Dr. John Carter:
What?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Nothing, looks like he missed your spinal chord.

[Carter sees Lucy in the trauma room next to them]

Dr. John Carter:
Is that Lucy?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Yes. She's alive.

[after Lucy has woken up]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Your liver was damaged, but we were able to repair it. However we did have to remove your spleen. I'm sorry.

[Lucy tries to speak]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Lucy, you can't speak. You can whisper, if I plug the trake. D'you want to try that?

[Lucy nods]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Okay.

[Corday plugs the trake]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Remember, only whisper.

Lucy Knight:
Thank you.

[Corday and Romano are treating Lucy]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Okay, that's it, we've done everything we can. Holding compressions. Oh, damn it.

[Romano sends a tray flying]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Son of a b*tch. No, no, no.

[Romano resumes compressions]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Let's give a minute for the last epi to circulate. C'mon, charge to thirty, lets go. C'mon, Lizzie, lets go!

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Robert.

[Romano holds compressions]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Call.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Time of death, 2:56.

Dr. John Carter:
Lucy's dead, isn't she?

[Weaver enters the room as Romano closes Lucy's chest]

Dr. Robert Romano:
I had to close her chest.

[Weaver cuts the suturing thread]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Thank you.

[Weaver pulls the blanket over Lucy]

Dr. Robert Romano:
The nurses can do that.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Yeah, I know.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Carter, don't worry, I'm going to explore the abdomen. I'm going to check out everything.

Dr. John Carter:
I'm glad it's you.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Hey, I'm getting you through this, man. You hear me?

[Carter is calling the pizza place]

Dr. John Carter:
What do you think? Large pepperoni and mushroom?

Wendall Meade:
I think I love you.

Dr. John Carter:
I... would like to place an order for delivery please.

Dr. John Carter:
Look, we spend every night together, we enjoy each others company, we have fun... Alright. I know what you want me to say, and... and I can't say it, o.k.? I'm sorry.

Wendall Meade:
Well, at least your honest.

Dr. John Carter:
Look, it doesn't mean that we can't...

Wendall Meade:
Yeah, it does.

[she walks away]

Carol Hathaway:
Actually, it's a myth about doctors and nurses dating so much. I know more nurses who date cops, fireman, paramedics...

[Doug comes from behind and cracks his neck and everyone laughs]

Dr. Doug Ross:
I'm sorry, I need a nurse in three.

Carol Hathaway:
What

[smiling]

Carol Hathaway:
?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Lucy, you got some 'splaining to do.

[With a Ricky Ricardo accent]

Dr. Doug Ross:
What's all this about cops and firemen?

Carol Hathaway:
Huh, jealous?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Jealous! I just want to know what you're doing for them that you're not doing for me?

Carol Hathaway:
Ooh, I'll tell you later if you bring the cuffs.

Dr. Doug Ross:
I thought I was going to get some sleep tonight.

Carol Hathaway:
Don't count on it.

George:
You'll get a lot of thank-yous from the female population over at Riverview. I don't wanna brag, but...

Dr. John Carter:
Yeah? You a pretty popular guy over there?

George:
Well, I seem to be... I never was much of a Casanova in my day. I didn't go in for all the wild positions and so forth. Ladies need that, all the positions.

Dr. John Carter:
So I've heard.

George:
And the sweet talk. I was never much for that either. I was mostly meat and potatoes. But now, I'm 82, I'm a man, I'm breathing. The odds are 12-to-1 in my favor. I'm getting it any time I want. Not too bad, old age.

Dr. John Carter:
I'm glad to hear it. Glad to hear it. I tell you, it feels good to save a man who's performing such a service to society.

George:
Stud service!

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
[Abby is singing on the trauma room phone to baby Joe. The surgeon coming in looks at her strangely] Ah... she's auditioning for American Idol.

[an attractive woman walks by]

Old man:
Ooh, boy, if I was 20 years younger...

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
You'd still be her granddaddy!

[Pratt has told a group of elderly men that they need to have their prostates checked]

Smitty:
I wouldn't let Halle Berry stick a finger up my ass, and I sure as hell ain't gonna let you!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I don't want to be one of those crazy mothers who checks in with the babysitter every hour.

Dr. Tony Gates:
My babysitter used to tie me to my high chair.

[Abby gives him a horrified look]

Dr. Tony Gates:
I'm sure yours is much better.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Gates is a knuckle-head who would defibrillate with a car battery and some jumper cables.

[Abby begins to unbutton her shirt]

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Wait, what are you doing?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I'm pumping. Sorry, my b*obs are about to explode!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[to Gates] Didn't you used to be...

Dr. Tony Gates:
A paramedic. Yeah and now I'm an intern.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Yeah, and next week he wants to be a cowboy.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Astronaut!

Harper Tracy:
What do you do after a day like today?

Dr. Doug Ross:
I tend to drink, but I'm not the best role model.

[Loretta is a prostitute]

Loretta Sweet:
I bet you see some stuff working here.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
Oh, like you don't.

Loretta Sweet:
At least my clients don't die on me, except for that one guy.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Well I - I can't believe you were actually able to pull this off.

Dr. John Carter:
You had doubts?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
No. I-I was pretty sure you were gonna fail.

Dr. John Carter:
Ill begotten gains of my Carter forefathers put to good use.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Redemption?

Dr. John Carter:
Maybe so.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Your grandma would be so proud.

Dr. John Carter:
Grandfather's rolling over in his grave. He thought the Carter fortune would last longer than the pyramids.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
You spent it all?

Dr. John Carter:
No. But most of it.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
You've done a great thing here, John. Truly great.

Frank:
Can I help you?

Rachel Greene:
You don't remember me.

Frank:
Should I?

Rachel Greene:
God, it's amazing how little has changed around here... My dad used to be on staff

Frank:
Mmm hmm.

Rachel Greene:
Mark Greene. I'm his daughter Rachel.

Paul Manning:
I'm not ready to lose her.

Tony Gates:
It's time to talk about how to make her as comfortable as possible.

Dr. Cate Banfield:
Gates, is it my imagination, or is Dr. Carter, who is not on duty by the way, in Trauma One with a patient demonstrating IV placement to a college student.

Tony Gates:
What?

Dr. Cate Banfield:
Never mind... Jerry, why is Dr. Carter performing medical procedures on our patients.

Jerry Markovic:
Uh... because he's a doctor.

[last lines]

Rachel Greene:
[as victims are arriving] Dr. Carter?

Dr. John Carter:
What? I'm sorry. What?

Rachel Greene:
Are you okay?

Dr. John Carter:
Yeah. A little deja vu.

Dr. Archie Morris:
[as Morris wheeling in a patient] Carter. You working?

Dr. John Carter:
Absolutely!

Dr. Archie Morris:
Come on!

Dr. John Carter:
[to Rachel as he's taking a patient into the ER] Dr. Greene. You coming?

[Rachel runs after him]

Dr. Mark Greene:
We're going to have to do a lumbar puncture. You ever done one?

John Carter:
Uh no, but I've seen it done.

Dr. Mark Greene:
See one, do one, teach one.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Talk to the patient!

Dr. Daria Wade:
Oh, um, okay... so how did you become a bioterrorist?

Dr. Dustin Crenshaw:
I am stuck with a new intern, and the ER was the target of a bioterrorist attack.

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Mm-hmm, I used to call that a Thursday.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Good evening, gentlemen.

[Malucci and Carter stare at him]

Dr. Robert Romano:
What? Didn't think I'd be invited? So, where's the bride?

Dr. Dave Malucci:
[points] She's in waiting. Dr. Greene hasn't shown up yet.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Really? Well, if he's smart, he's halfway to Mexico by now.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
[on the phone] I don't care if it's raining fire and brimstone, you are going to get me to that church if I have to ride on your back like a bloody donkey

[hangs up angrily]

Isabelle Corday:
Perhaps you should eat something

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I do not need to eat. Nor do I need a spot of tea, or a moment of quiet reflection on this, my special day. This is America, and sometimes you just have to kick some ass.

Isabelle Corday:
We'll take your car and get there early.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Fine. Fine, okay. But unless you can drive stickshift on the right side of the road, I'm driving.

Isabelle Corday:
Elizabeth, you cant possibly drive in your condition

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Get your purse, grab the flowers, and let's go.

[phone rings]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Now listen here, you ignorant bastard!

Dr. Mark Greene:
What's wrong?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Oh... Mark... nothing.

Dr. Mark Greene:
In a few hours, we're gonna be surrounded by friends and people we love... and your mother.

Isabelle Corday:
What could be more perfect than marrying the man that you love while carrying his hild?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Yes, well this love child also comes with an extra forty pounds and hemorrhoids!

Isabelle Corday:
Why don't you sit down and have some tea?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
What, so that I can pee every two minutes instead of every ten?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
New rule: anything that involves pus waits until after lunch.

Dr. John Carter:
Can you see that Mr. Tuttle gets a sandwich? The unborn twin inside of his stomach is hungry.

Dr. Charles Corday:
So, I'm going to be a grandfather. This won't affect my dating, will it?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
One can only hope.

Isabelle Corday:
He'll be here, Elizabeth. Don't fret.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
But I do fret! Every time he's late, I fret! Every time he slurs a word, or gets tired, or bumps his head, I fret! I'm about to get married, and I'm afraid. Not of being with him, but of being without him! I'm afraid he won't be around to raise this child!

[Mark is very late for their wedding]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Nice of you to show up.

Dr. Mark Greene:
It was raining.

Carol Hathaway:
Have you seen Mark? Is he okay?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Put it this way, he called a staff meeting.

Carol Hathaway:
Mark Greene?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Yep.

Carol Hathaway:
Glasses? Receding hair line? Broken heart?

Dr. Doug Ross:
That's the one.

[Dr. Benton is talking to himself, preparing for surgery]

Dr. Peter Benton:
Meckel's is like a rose-colored index finger protruding from the antimesenteric border.

Nurse Shirley:
Then you bake it in a 400-degree oven for an hour...

Dr. Peter Benton:
It can occasionally attach itself to the umbilical area, producing a fistula, which is, uh...

Nurse Shirley:
Fresh rosemary, a little pepper...

Dr. Peter Benton:
a... uh, pipe connecting Meckel's to the outside world.

Nurse Shirley:
A clove of garlic under the skin...

Dr. Peter Benton:
[annoyed, to Shirley] You know, excuse me, I'm trying to visualize here.

[Carol is studying with William]

Carol Hathaway:
[reading] "A man pushes a vacuum cleaner with a force of 70 Newtons at a 45-degree angle, and moves the vacuum cleaner 5 meters. How much work has he done?" Well... let's start with the unlikelihood of a man pushing a vacuum cleaner.

[while performing a routine operation]

Dr. David Morgenstern:
I'm in the tall grass, so I take the 5 iron, and I sail that puppy but 2 inches from the cup. It was poetry. It was a sonnet. It was practically a haiku!

Dr. Doug Ross:
So, Natalie, you get a lot of ear infections, do you?

Natalie:
Can you just give me the Amoxicillin? I have a playdate.

[Dr. Ross begins to examine her ears]

Natalie:
You don't need to look! Just give me the antibiotic! Augmentin will be just fine if you're worried about resistance!

Dr. Doug Ross:
You know a lot of things about a lot of things, don't you, Natalie?

Natalie:
Yes, I do.

Dr. Doug Ross:
So do you want to tell Nurse Hathaway about Coulomb's law?

Carol Hathaway:
Ah, that's the fundamental law of electrostatics, which states that the force between two charged particles is directly proportional to the product of their charges.

Dr. Doug Ross:
And inversely proportional to the square of the distance between them. Isn't that right, Natalie?

Natalie:
[glares at Dr. Ross]

Al Boulet:
Living with AIDS... that's nothing, but... knowing I gave it to you... there's no pill for that. I just have to face it. Every day. Hating me might feel good, but it won't change anything.

Jeanie Boulet:
It doesn't feel good, Al. Nothing about this feels good.

Dr. Doug Ross:
It looks like snow.

Carol Hathaway:
It smells like snow.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Carol, what does that mean?

Carol Hathaway:
You can smell snow coming. It has a smell.

Dr. Doug Ross:
It smells like burritos.

Carol Hathaway:
Look, what are we going to do about Mark?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Put him on a plane or have him killed.

Carol Hathaway:
I don't think I can take this much longer, you know? Maybe you should talk to him.

Dr. Doug Ross:
I talked to him once, he said he was okay. Ask him again, it gets a little weird.

Carol Hathaway:
Ohh, you'd be violating the guy code.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Guy code?

Carol Hathaway:
Yeah, of noncommunication.

[Dr. Carter is about to cut down a Christmas tree]

Dr. Abby Keaton:
Did I ever tell you about my lumberjack fantasy?

Dr. John Carter:
Abby, this is a very sacred tradition.

Dr. Abby Keaton:
Ohhh, it's a sacred fantasy.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Hey, what's the definition of a double-blind study? Two ortho docs looking at a chest film!

Robert Truman:
When men try to do God's work, bad things happen.

[Neela's hand was injured in a hockey game]

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
If I can't operate, you're dead!

Dr. Archie Morris:
Wuss!

Dr. Dustin Crenshaw:
You hack!

Harold Zelinsky:
Beeyotch!

Dr. Tony Gates:
Who are you yelling at, Harold?

Harold Zelinsky:
I don't really know.

Dr. Michael Gallant:
[regarding Neela's dinner outfit] If that's your deep-dish outfit, I'm glad I didn't say French food.

Dr. John Carter:
I lied to Lucy's mother today. I told her that it *wasn't* painful to have an 8-inch knife shoved into your gut.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Just when did you lose the filter between your brain and your mouth?

Dr. John Carter:
I think you took it out in the O.R. last week.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Could you order a CBC, chem 7, and coags, and prep for an oscopy?

Ron Perth:
Is that what I think it is?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
I'll be gentle.

Ron Perth:
Aw man!

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Robert, this is a dog.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Correction, Lizzie, this is my dog.

[Lucy Knight comes into the Lounge and finds her patient Paul Sobriki there]

Lucy Knight:
Paul, what're you doing here?

Paul Sobriki:
I, I wanted a cup of coffee and that nurse-guy wasn't around.

Lucy Knight:
Okay, let's get you back to your room.

[Nurses Lydia Wright and Chuny Marquez set a cake on the table]

Paul Sobriki:
You having a party here?

Lucy Knight:
Yeah, for Valentine's Day, let's go.

[Talking about the cake]

Nurse Lydia Wright:
Shouldn't it be bigger?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Shouldn't it be red?

Dr. John Carter:
Oh, Lucy didn't suture that leg lac yet? The guy's been here for four hours. Where is she?

Nurse Lily Jarvik:
Still waiting on psyche consult and patient's in curtain 3.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
The patients don't mind this music?

Dr. Luka Kovac, Nurse Carol Hathaway:
What?

Frank Martin:
Morris, are you sick?

Dr. Archie Morris:
No, Frank, I got this IV because I'm feeling a little parched.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Welcome back. How was Croatia?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Oh, you know... European.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Jaspreet's gone, and she's never coming back.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Where'd she go?

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Well, I could tell you that, but then I'd have to kill you. She asked me to relay the following: Archie, thank you for a wonderful night. It was great, but please stop calling. And don't ever call again. Ever. Harold, thank you for a wonderful night. It was great, but please stop calling. And don't ever call again. Ever. So, there you go. And I'd very much appreciate it if we never speak of this again. Ever.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I just don't understand, first you were at four, then you were at six.

Abby Lockhart:
That's because I scored very quickly. You're a bad sport.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I can't handle losing to a girl.

Abby Lockhart:
Oh, God.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I'm kidding. I actually enjoy losing to you, Abby.

Abby Lockhart:
Good, that's much better.

[about Romano]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
He's a horrid little turd, isn't he?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Stop spinning, stop spinning!

Abby Lockhart:
It's all in the wrist.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I think I pulled a muscle.

Abby Lockhart:
I think we should take a break.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Draft please, Abby?

Abby Lockhart:
Club soda.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Okay. So next time, I choose the sport maybe something more civilized? There's a pool table in my hotel.

Abby Lockhart:
Your hotel?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Yeah. I don't own it. I just live there.

Abby Lockhart:
You live in a hotel?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Yeah, as a doctor. I take care of the tourists. They give me a break on the rent. [Abby laughs] No! It's a good deal! Maid service, laundry, amenities. [Abby gives him a pensive look] No, no! It's great. You'll have to come see it.

Abby Lockhart:
Your hotel room.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Yeah. I mean, I mean no. I mean yes. I mean... I'd never ask such a thing from a lady. Especially after just one kiss.

Abby Lockhart:
[Abby Grins] No, I should hope not.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[Luka kisses Abby] Of course, that makes it two.

Dr. John Carter:
Bobby died and I lost a mother.

Eleanor Carter:
Are you blaming me for being on drugs?

Dr. John Carter:
[shouting] No! I blame you for not being my mother!

Eleanor Carter:
[pause] Can I go bed now?

Dr. Archie Morris:
I hooked myself up with a tight, little sex machine. Energy-efficient to the tune of 40-plus miles per gallon, and draws babes to Archie like bees to honey.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Ew, that made me throw up in my mouth a little.

[Archie and Hope have broken up]

Dr. Archie Morris:
No big deal. It was very mutual.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
That's good.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Except it was all her idea, and I begged her not to do it. But I'm fine with it now, it's all good.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Lady for you on three, chief.

Dr. Archie Morris:
I hope she chokes on a mojito.

Pamela Olbes:
Air conditioner broke down at a nursing home. Multiple victims with hyperthermia and dehydration, another five coming in the van.

Bartholomew Lefkowitz:
Yeah, they turned our place into Kentucky Fried Old Folks!

Bartholomew Lefkowitz:
I did not survive a pogrom, a gulag, and a bris in a back alley just so I could be baked like a strudel.

[the rest of the staff doesn't like the singers]

Dr. Tony Gates:
Some people actually like it.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Oh yeah, what people?

[Tony indicates to Frank, who is singing along]

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Frank's not people.

Frank Martin:
So did the Medical Board make another deadly error in judgment?

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Yes they have, Frank, I passed.

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
I'd like to discuss Zelinsky's progress.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Yeah, about that...

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Tomorrow, not now.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Tomorrow?

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Yeah, I don't want to say anything too cruel, which I'm at risk of doing if we discuss it at this moment, so we'll talk about Dr. Rain Man tomorrow.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Mr. Lefkowitz, did Mr. Perkins have any new pills at the home?

Bartholomew Lefkowitz:
They're always giving us pills. You can't poop, they give you a pill. Complain about the government, you get a pill!

Dr. Archie Morris:
Can you be more specific?

Bartholomew Lefkowitz:
Try to get people to vote for Obama, they got a pill for that too!

Dr. Eve Peyton:
Well, if they're not here in ten, I'm putting her in a cab.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
She's comatose.

Dr. Eve Peyton:
I was kidding, Dr. Kovac.

Frank Martin:
Aren't you two supposed to keep 50 feet apart or something?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Bite me, Frank.

Frank Martin:
If you ask me, you're better off without her.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I didn't.

Nurse Haleh Adams:
What is that rain turns the residents in this city into idiots?

Dr. Eve Peyton:
All the department heads signed off on it, except Psych. Crazy bastards.

Dr. Archie Morris:
That's nice, Eve. Maybe you can bring it up at your next "Nazi Nurse" rally.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Out of curiosity, what kind of man hires a "satisfaction facilitator"?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
A what?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I believe it's the politically correct term for call girl these days.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
A smart one? We have this saying in Croatia. [Luka rattles off a phrase in Croatian] . If it floats, flies or...

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Fornicates?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Rent it.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Nazi Dyke.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Please I need this job... I have a kid.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
You're a sad, cold-hearted b*tch, you know that?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Someone call Security.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
You may not like me, lady, but nobody here likes you.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Get out.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
You wanna know why this damn ER is do important to you, huh? Because it's the only thing you've got in your life. [he takes off his ID badge and throws it at Weaver] Nazi dyke.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
[Abby broke Luka's fish tank and is on the phone trying to find another one] Well I don't know if it's salt water. I didn't taste it.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
[Abby and Carter are in the back of a police car when Carter gets out his phone and starts to make a phone call] What are you doing? Ordering pizza?

Dr. John Carter:
I'm calling my lawyer.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
They haven't charged us with anything.

Dr. John Carter:
We are sitting in the back of a police car.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
What are they gonna arrest us for? Aquatic mischief?

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
What about Abby?

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
They found her in a pool of blood.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[talking about their baby] We don't even have a name.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I was wondering if maybe we could name him after my father... He will be thrilled to have a grandson named Mongo.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Mon, Mongo?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
It's a very popular name in Croatia.

[pauses then laughs]

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I am just teasing you. My father's name is Joseph, and for that matter, name the baby anything you like, whatever.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[as they head to the OR for Coburn to do Abby's C-section] I wanna be awake, Luka.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I have two and a half months left! This baby is NOT coming before 'til then!

Dr. Coburn:
You know I want you to have a healthy baby

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Then why do you keep focusing on the worst-case scenario?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
It's her job.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Is one going to be enough?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
What?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
One baby. Um, my uterus wouldn't stop bleeding and Coburn did everything she could but...

Dr. Luka Kovac:
You had a hysterectomy?

[Abby nods]

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Well, one is all we need.

Dr. Coburn:
12 of Betamethasone.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Oh come on!

Dr. Coburn:
We have to mature the baby's lungs in case of an emergent birth.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
No, No, No, No, NO! I have two and a half months left! This baby is NOT coming 'til then!

Sarah Riley:
You must be that guy who's always riding Uncle Tony. You know, like a bull in heat?

Dr. Tony Gates:
Shh!

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
So, uh, what else does Uncle Tony say about me?

Sarah Riley:
The rest I'm not allowed to say.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
That little tosser just called me a whore.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
She seems so sweet.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
I've never been called a whore.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Did she say dirty whore, or filthy whore?

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Is there a difference?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Depends on the whore.

[Sam's grandmother has been kicked out of her retirement home for growing marijuana]

Gracie:
It's medicinal!

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
You don't have glaucoma.

Gracie:
Guess why, sweetie!

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
How long are you staying, Gracie?

Gracie:
Just until you throw me out, not a bit longer!

Gracie:
You remember when we lived in that trailer?

Alex Taggart:
You guys lived in a trailer?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
It was a mobile home.

Gracie:
That's uppity for "trailer."

Gracie:
I had a boyfriend once in Chatham. He dumped me. I swear it was for his sister.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
My grandma has lots of stories about her antics with men.

[after witnessing Bosco beating up a suspect]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
You may have broken his nose.

NYPD Off. Maurice 'Bosco' Boscorelli:
Nah, he was always that ugly.

[Dr. Lewis's niece is missing in New York City]

NYPD Off. Faith Yokas:
I've got two kids. If one of them ever goes missing, Bosco's the guy I want out there looking for them.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
You can do the rectal.

Michael Gallant:
The rectal?

Dr. John Carter:
Play nice, kids. Don't make me stop this trauma.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
I need to clamp off the aorta with... that big-ass clamp!

Dr. John Carter:
If you don't know what it's called, then you sure as hell shouldn't be using it!

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[Coming home to find Abby sitting at his table looking through the paper] You're turning into a couch tomato.

[Jerry is setting up a mousetrap]

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Jerry, what are you doing?

Jerry Markovic:
I saw a mouse by the elevator. Soon to be deceased.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Sounds like Heidi.

Dr. Doug Ross:
You know this mouse?

Dr. John Carter:
Surgeons don't rat on each other. It's like the Marines: "All for one, and one for all."

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
That's the Three Musketeers.

John Smythe:
No promises, but you might be contacted by H.R.C.

Dr. Mark Greene:
[to Nina] Hillary.

Dr. Nina Pomerantz:
Oh... well, if she ever gets her ass stuck in a bucket, she'll know who to call.

John Smythe:
Well, I'll tell her you said so.

Jake Scanlon:
So I was thinking that I might rank County as my first choice of internship.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
What about UCFS?

Jake Scanlon:
Uhm, I don't wanna go to UCFS, I wanna stay right here.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Don't do that... for me.

[Carter is jealous at Michel]

Makemba 'Kem' Likasu:
I'll come by in the morning and we'll have some breakfast.

Dr. John Carter:
Michel coming too?

Makemba 'Kem' Likasu:
He has to work.

Dr. John Carter:
Is that his real teeth? A little too straight.

Meredith Smart - Couples Therapist:
What are you feeling, Luka?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I'm happy! I'm happy and Sam's not. I don't know why. We're healthy, we enjoy each other... our work. We have a good life.

Meredith Smart - Couples Therapist:
How does that make you feel, Sam?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Like hitting him over the head with a hammer.

Meredith Smart - Couples Therapist:
So what brings you to me today?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
I don't think Luka and I should be together.

[the opening tune starts]

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Don't go away mad Jake.

Jake Scanlon:
But do go away, right?

[to Luka]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I know that Morris isn't the sharpest shovel in the shed, but he's a paperwork hound. Besides, it keeps him from seeing patients. Think of it as community service.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
I feel really inspired by that. I think I'll go throw myself under a train.

Dr. John Carter:
I wanted him to die. I saw what he did to that old lady and the others before her, and I wanted him to die. I didn't think he should have that blood. I mean, if someone had come in and they really needed it... If some little kid had been hit by a car, or some old guy had been accidentally shot; if someone like that had died because we wasted the blood on that guy... I don't know. It was my decision, and I made it, and if he died, I don't know how I'd feel, but I can't say that I'm sorry. I mean, was I wrong?

Jerry Markovic:
Carter, what do you think the best approach with Weaver is? Contrition? Indignation?

Nurse Malik McGrath:
Begging.

Dr. John Carter:
I think I would just appeal to her innate sense of fairness.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
She has a sense of fairness?

Dr. John Carter:
Yeah. Just remind her that you've been on nights now for...

Jerry Markovic:
Four months.

Dr. John Carter:
And that you think your exemplary work history, and your many years of loyal service, marred only by one minor incident...

Nurse Lydia Wright:
Blowing up the ambulance bay.

Dr. John Carter:
...makes it incumbent upon her to bring you back to the land of the living.

Nurse Malik McGrath:
I still say beg.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
I'd have to do the entire Bulls lineup on the damn admit desk before I even began to be equal with you!

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
I've spent years... *years* of my life, changing to fit your needs, working around your schedule, your insecurities, your inability to commit. Well, you know what, Doug? It's not all about you! I know that may come as a shock. [crying] But a relationship is give and take. Two people as equals, and right now I need something! So you can grow up and accept it, or you can go on being the same selfish, self-centered bastard you've always been, and refuse to give me the one thing... The one thing I've ever asked you for!

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Overweight 62-year-old shoveling two feet of wet snow. I can't imagine why he's having an MI.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
You used me, Ellis. That's what we've been about, right? You used me to get this deal. Well, I don't like being used! You underestimated me once, and you were right to, but don't underestimate me again! I'll see you at the board!

Dr. John Carter:
How are you feeling?

Chase Carter:
I've been better. Nothing some crank and a half-gallon of Stoli's wouldn't fix.

Dr. John Carter:
How long is Weaver going to keep you on nights, Jerry?

Nurse Lydia Wright:
I believe her exact words were, "until hell freezes over."

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
So, you want me to fall on my sword in front of the Board of Directors?

Dr. Donald Anspaugh:
It is *your* sword, Kerry.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I don't want what happened to my family to be the end of my story.

Intern:
So, are you, like, a nurse or something?

Abby Lockhart:
No, I'm, like, a doctor.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Do you think it's possible to die from boredom?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
I don't think so.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
What if your mind wandered off in a daydream and you forgot to eat or drink for days?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
Then you'd die of starvation and dehydration.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Caused by boredom.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Hello, who is this? You like your job? You wanna keep it? Well, then you tell your chief of staff, you know who that is? Good! Well, you tell "Jonesy" that Robert Romano is sending over four critical patients all of whom, I expect to be treated like his own mother but without the inappropriate touching.

Abby Lockhart:
Do you think it's possible to die from boredom?

Dr. Deb Chen:
I don't think so.

Abby Lockhart:
What if your mind wandered off in a daydream and you forgot to eat or drink for days?

Dr. Deb Chen:
Then you'd die of starvation and dehydration.

Abby Lockhart:
Caused by boredom.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
To tell you the truth, I don't know if I could date a chick that was missing pieces.

Dr. John Carter:
What if she had a really great personality?

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
What, and really big tits?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
I'm gonna eat this in bed.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Sounds good to me.

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
Alone!

Dr. John Carter:
Monkeypox sounds like a video game.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Or Voodoo.

Dr. John Carter:
Or VD.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
We need to evacuate.

Dr. John Carter:
The ER?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
The entire hospital... Everyone but you.

Dr. John Carter:
You could get a tattoo.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
I could get "Carter..."

Dr. John Carter:
Yeah.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
...Sucks."

[about dead body in hallway]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Jerry, if this guy's still here in the morning, why don't we get some shovels and bury him in the parking lot?

Rachel Greene:
Did you make him all better?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Who?

Rachel Greene:
The boy in the green room.

Dr. Peter Benton:
The gunshot victim.

Dr. Mark Greene:
They tried really hard, Rachel. But he died.

Rachel Greene:
Will his mom be sad?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Very sad.

Rachel Greene:
[to Dr. Benton] Are you sad?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Yeah.

Rachel Greene:
If you're sad, why aren't you crying?

Dr. Peter Benton:
I am.

[taps Rachel's chest]

Dr. Peter Benton:
Right here.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Hi, Lenore, I'm Dr. Morris. I would wish you a merry Christmas, but as an employee of the county, I am duty-bound to respect the separation of church and state.

Dr. Tony Gates:
If we have a problem man, just spit it out, 'cause I don't speak bitchy.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Oh, you seem pretty fluent to me.

[to Tony and Ray, who are arguing]

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Why don't you either slap each other silly, or kiss now and get it over with?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
When Jasna and the kids died, I needed to make a change, and I decided to move here. Made my brother really angry. He said that I was a coward, and that I was running away. And it's only recently that I've come to know that he was wrong. I wasn't running away from anything. I was running to you. And I'll never let anything take this away.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Don't you know that there's a rule that if millions of kids believe in the same thing, it becomes real?

Melia Simon:
That's not a rule.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Yeah. Every time you're generous, or thoughtful, or help someone who needs help, that's a little bit of Santa too.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Go ahead, you can gloat now. Tell me all about what a great manager you are. "I saved Jerry, I diagnosed D.I.D., yadda yadda."

Dr. Archie Morris:
Know what? I'm gonna go with humility this time. For real.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Humili-what?

Dr. Archie Morris:
I will be the keeper of the cheese!

Julia Dupree:
I don't like sleeping over this early in a relationship.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Wow. All right, well, just leave the money on the dresser on your way out.

Brian Moretti:
I hope one of your patients stabs you with an AIDS needle!

Harold Zelinsky:
What I lack in experience, I make up for in enthusiasm.

Ronny Faneca:
What?

Harold Zelinsky:
Yeah, this being my first chest tube ever, I am really committed to getting it right.

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Save the cheerleader, save the world

Dr. Tony Gates:
Hey Mayday, how's it going?

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Well, my attending thinks I'm a complete idiot, and Crenshaw's back to being a little b*tch.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[Abby comes across a wrapped gift basket of baby things at the admit desk] What's this?

Frank Martin:
Oh, that's for you and the little bastard.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Gee, thanks Frank.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Congratulations!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Thanks. It was supposed to be a secret... [looking pointedly at Morris]

Dr. Archie Morris:
What? Everyone was saying you were getting puffy. I had to defend you.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[looks at Luka] Am I getting puffy?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
You are not getting puffy.

Lucy Knight:
So your dad works here?

Rachel Greene:
Yeah, he's one of the bosses. Well, he used to be the only boss, before Dr. Weaver butted in.

[to Harper]

John Carter:
Benton is in the foulest mood I have ever seen. And that's saying something.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
So, newbies, huh? You don't wanna work here.

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
Hey Carter. What's up with your boss? I heard she was crying earlier.

Dr. John Carter:
Weaver?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
Yah. Did she have a bad break up or something? Shes been really moody lately.

Dr. John Carter:
lately?

Dr. John Carter:
Look, I'm sorry, the day just kind of got away from me. Why don't we try again tomorrow?

Erin Harkins:
No, no, I don't think so, no. I have been here for 16 hours. I have been ignored, and yelled at, and called "honey" and "sweetie" and "b*tch"... twice. I don't smell good, and all I've had to eat is gummy bears and diet coke. I'm not leaving until I get what I came for.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Did you get rid of those nurses?

Jerry Markovic:
Yeah. They went up to nursing administration saying something about hiring a hit man.

Frank Martin:
Hell hath no fury like an RN scorned.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Since when did I become the guru of sluttiness?

Dr. Robert Romano:
You're one Grade A b*tch. You know that, Kerry?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
No, Robert. I'm your boss. And as long as I am, you're my b*tch. Now, get your ass back to work.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Any questions?

Dr. Archie Morris:
Yeah, why is the board see-through?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
So we can see through it.

Frank Martin:
Remind me not to get sick any time soon.

Prosthetist:
How's the stump feeling?

Dr. Robert Romano:
It's suffering from delusions of grandeur. It still thinks it's an arm.

Prosthetist:
I can prepare another letter to the insurance company.

Dr. Robert Romano:
I've got two letters for the insurance company: F and U!

Dr. Robert Romano:
Do me a favor, will you, Coop? Air rescue's bringing in a bad MVA. Will you go up on the roof and wave in the chopper? And make sure you stand right in the middle of the landing pad so they see you.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Let's get a few things straight, all right, nut meat? One: we don't offer remedial medicine here. Two: you don't talk to me, I talk to you. Three...

Dr. Nick Cooper:
Should I be writing this down?

Dr. Robert Romano:
[shouting] Stay out of my face!

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
I also have a guy in 2 who needs... something I can't read.

Nurse Malik McGrath:
What does that say, "nipple lips?"

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
There is a drunk in Exam 4 that needs two more of Ativan.

Nurse Edna:
I'm sorry dear, he's a putz!

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Who, the drunk?

Nurse Edna:
That Carter boy. Too bad you didn't dump him first!

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Hey, what the hell you doing here?

Dr. Archie Morris:
Working.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
I thought you quit.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Oh, my dad wouldn't let me. Said he'd pull the money plug if I didn't see this thing through.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
This thing, meaning a career in medicine?

Dr. Archie Morris:
Yeah.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
What are you doing?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
He just grabbed my ass. Here, take this to church and have it exorcised.

Dr. Robert Romano:
That's right, you keep walking! Right up to the nursing director's office 'cause by the time you get there, there'll be a pink slip waiting for you.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Good! Give me plenty of time to file my sexual harassment lawsuit!

Dr. Robert Romano:
Do you mind?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Yes, I do. You can have it back by the end of the day if you learn to behave!

Dr. Robert Romano:
Give me my damned arm back!

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
I've got a rule against ass grabbing.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
That's a good rule.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Pratt is a rabid dog that needs to be taken outside and shot before he infects the rest of the staff.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
What pleasure could you possibly get from humiliating people?

Dr. Robert Romano:
It's called fun, you should try it sometime.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Do I need to remind you that I'm in charge here?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
You'll have to convince me first.

Dr. Mark Greene:
An exciting case? Here's one: Guy comes in, hypovolemic shock. Defibrillated ten, fifteen times. We maxed out on lidocaine, added bretylium, finally shocked him back to sinus, goes bradycardic. So I float a transvenous pacemaker, get capture, he stops breathing. I had to climb on, intubate him cowboy-style right there on the table.

Nurse Wendy Goldman:
Wow.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Man.

Nurse Wendy Goldman:
What happened?

Dr. Mark Greene:
He died.

Dr. Doug Ross:
What can I say about Mark Greene that hasn't already been said? I think everybody knows how he overcame adversity as a child of Quakers, his years in exile, his political writings and limericks, his mod period with the turtlenecks, his blue period, and of course, his ruthless march to power and the silencing of his rivals.

Nurse Haleh Adams:
I've known Mark Greene since he was a wet-behind-the-ears med student. He had the most beautiful curly blond hair, and so polite. All I'd do was ask and he would be cleaning the bedpans and changing the sheets. He was the best scut-puppy I ever had.

Nurse Wendy Goldman:
So would you say that, back then, he was sort of 'green'?

Nurse Haleh Adams:
No, Wendy, I would never say that.

Jerry Markovic:
Dr. Lewis, can you do an employee physical?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
On who?

Jerry Markovic:
Randi.

[to Randi]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Breathe in.

[Randi breaths in]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Breathe out.

[Randi breaths out]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
She's fine. Where's the form?

[Carter has just told a woman her husband has died]

Med Student George Henry:
You should know that his last thoughts were of you.

Vinnie's Wife:
What did he say?

Med Student George Henry:
I love you, Maria.

Vinnie's Wife:
"Maria"? I'm Angela. Maria's Joey's wife.

Joey:
Maria?

Vinnie's Wife:
That bastard!

Gina:
Look, I don't have AIDS, ok? I don't sleep with gay guys or druggies.

Jeanie Boulet:
Neither did I.

[to a fresh group of interns]

Dr. Melvoin:
You are wedges. The wedge is the most primitive tool known to man. That is you. You think you know what you're doing, believe me, you don't. Breakfast with your Senior Surgical Resident Dr. Benton will begin in 15 minutes. Dr. Benton is an intern's worst nightmare. He's smarter than you, he never eats, he never sleeps and he reads every medical journal no matter how obscure. He is the Antichrist. Beelzebub. Lucifer. A devourer of wedges. You will go to sleep at night wishing plague and pestilence on his unborn children and you will wake up every morning praying for his approval. You won't get it. Welcome to hell, ladies and gentlemen.

Carol Hathaway:
Dopamine? Do you want Dopamine?

Dr. John Carter:
I don't know. I don't know. Somebody call a doctor!

Carol Hathaway:
You are the doctor.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
[about the nurses] They can make your life easier or they can make it miserable. Whatever you did, I suggest you apologize immediately.

Dr. John Carter:
I didn't do anything.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Apologize anyway.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
[after Carter has incorrectly peeled cucumbers] Why don't you chill the Pinot Grigio?

Dr. John Carter:
In the freezer?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Don't quit your day job Carter.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
What's the big hurry?

Neela Rasgotra:
Zoe's here, she's in exam two.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
[looks pleased] She is?

Neela Rasgotra:
Yes, she is. Oh, and I almost forgot. She's fourteen years old.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Shut up.

Neela Rasgotra:
She was born in 1990, Ray.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
[shocked] What?

Neela Rasgotra:
That's the decade immediately preceding the one that we're in.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Are you for real?

Neela Rasgotra:
Yes. And in prison math, I believe fourteen equals 5 to 10?

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Where is she?

Neela Rasgotra:
[amused] Exam two. And here's the kicker, Jerry Lee, your prepubescent penis pal has Chlamydia.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
I had no idea she was that young!

Neela Rasgotra:
Young? She's still teething. Although, I don't know, maybe you enjoy that.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
She didn't say anything, how was I supposed to know?

Neela Rasgotra:
Take her out for coffee, converse with her a bit, before you start boffing and handing out house keys!

Dr. Ray Barnett:
I don't card my dates, okay?

Neela Rasgotra:
Oh, well maybe it's time that you started.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
1990?

Neela Rasgotra:
It was a very good year for Chlamydia.

Dr. Eve Peyton:
Management is a b*tch.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Yeah, it's not the only one.

Dr. Victor Clemente:
This isn't a surgical consult, my friend. If you can't get out of bed and come into work, I don't see why we have to listen to you. Okay, little mechanical b*tch?

Dr. Victor Clemente:
Okay, okay, that's it. I'm done arguing with a television set.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
We should take a core temp.

Neela Rasgotra:
I'm not sticking anything up this monkey's ass.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
You know, if I had a nickel for everytime I said that.

Dr. Archie Morris:
By all that is good and holy, what diabolical spell have you cast upon that child?

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Why didn't you tell me?

Zoe Butler:
I thought it was just a bladder infection from all the sex we were having.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
No, God, not that. Why didn't you tell me how old you are?

Zoe Butler:
Well, you never asked.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
You said you were a student.

Zoe Butler:
I am !

Dr. Ray Barnett:
In what, 9th grade?

Zoe Butler:
Eighth.

Neela Rasgotra:
It sounds like a bladder infection.

Zoe Butler:
Oh, I figured.

Neela Rasgotra:
You can get it from many things like sex. Lots of it.

Zoe Butler:
I've been doing that.

Neela Rasgotra:
Don't I know it.

Neela Rasgotra:
I'm sorry.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Why? Because I talked myself into liking some groupie who turned out to be Hilary Duff with an STD?

Dr. Archie Morris:
[after thinking the chimp is a baby] Is he cute?

Abby Lockhart:
Yeah... it's a hairy little monkey.

[Ray has just found out that Zoe is 14 years old]

Zoe Butler:
I didn't think you'd like me if you knew!

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Well, you know, you're right! Because I also don't like courtrooms, and prisons, and men named Hank who make me their b*tch!

[in voiceover]

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
The toughest thing about being a doctor isn't the terrible hours. It isn't the loneliness, the isolation, or the knowledge that one day, we lose out to the relentless decay of the human body. No, it's something else.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
[later] The toughest thing is making the right call when it counts.

[in voiceover]

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
The care of every patient is a twisty maze that leads to an infinite number of potential outcomes. We hope that knowledge and experience guide us, but sometimes it becomes obvious a wrong turn was made.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
[later] If only it were possible to apply the wisdom of our mistakes, go back to the fork in the road, and this time, be assertive. Choose the road we think we should take, not the path of least resistance.

[in voiceover]

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
For some patients, there is no road to recovery. Nothing we do as doctors will alter the outcome. At least that's what we tell ourselves.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
[later] When their way doesn't work, and your way doesn't work, you've got to accept defeat, or find another way.

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Hey. At this point, removing the source of infection is our best option.

Anastasia Johnson:
You mean taking out my gallbladder, right?

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Let's finally get you better, okay?

Anastasia Johnson:
Hurry up, I'm getting sick of you people.

Thomas Grasso:
Someone's about to get some A-1 kidney meat! I'm like a, I'm like a racehorse; I could drink a sixpack without even peeing.

Marina Grasso:
Honey, gross!

Dr. Lucien Dubenko:
Actually, micturation capacity is related to bladder size and neural sensitivity, not renal function.

Thomas Grasso:
Then we'll give 'em some bladder too!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Does it hurt here?

Simon:
No, but if you tug on Willy, I'll sing Dionne Warwick's greatest hits.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Tempting, but no thanks.

Simon:
Doc, doc, you gotta get me out of here, man. I got a hot date tonight.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Does, uh, she take air or helium? [chuckles]

Simon:
She takes Visa. That was funny.

Jessie's mom:
If he's got lice, you're cutting his hair.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
I'm a doctor, not Vidal Sassoon.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Your blood tests show that you have leukemia.

Simon:
Thank God! I thought you were gonna tell me I had cancer!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Leukemia is a cancer of the white blood cells in the bone marrow.

Simon:
That's great! That's great. So give me some Viagra, send me home, and we're all good!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
This isn't funny.

Simon:
[suddenly serious] I know.

Simon:
Why can't cancer be like herpes? I got that once and it never came back.

Simon:
I got a nervous bladder and a neurotic sphincter. Seriously, it sucks. I can't be in public, and I'm afraid to fart in case I start a fire.

Simon:
Pee is funny. Bedpans, funny. Catheter, not so funny.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Okay, little prick.

Simon:
It's just because it's cold in here.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
The EpiPen is spring-loaded, so all you have to do is press it against your thigh, and it fires off a shot.

Simon:
Ah. Sounds like my high school years.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Epi has a one minute half-life.

Simon:
I have a body part with that same problem.

Carol Hathaway:
What if the elevator moves? You could get killed!

Dr. Doug Ross:
Well, then you won't have to worry about a commitment.

Carol Hathaway:
Doug, I'm serious!

Jerry Markovic:
Now that I'm back on days, you can count on a higher level of efficiency at the central work area. If you pass out again, I'll have everything under control.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
How does it look?

Dr. Robert Romano:
Like ground beef. No, actually, more like chopped liver.

[Dr. Carter is showing everyone pictures from Benton's appendectomy]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yikes, what is that?

Dr. John Carter:
That's Benton's appendix in a jar on my mantle.

Mary Cain:
There will be a written warning placed in your file for a year, and the three weeks you missed due to your suspension will be deducted from your vacation time.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
That's it?

Mary Cain:
You preferred a public flogging?

Dr. Greg Fischer:
La Boh?me?

Jeanie Boulet:
You don't have to say it like it's a new strain of resistant bacteria.

Dr. John Carter:
What did you have for breakfast this morning?

Mrs. Jarnowski:
The usual. Three fried eggs, bacon, glass of buttermilk, toast and jam.

Dr. John Carter:
Ah, the American Heart Association breakfast.

[Louise hands her Barbie to Dr. Greene]

Louise Cupertino:
For you.

Mrs. Cupertino:
She likes to share.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Malibu Barbie was my favorite too.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I was kind of partial to Ken.

Louise Cupertino:
[disapprovingly] Ken?

Dr. Mark Greene:
You don't like Ken?

Louise Cupertino:
Too pretty.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Doctor, your attitude can get in the way of achieving your goals.

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
What, you're not gonna vote for me for homecoming queen this year? [pause] Like that, you mean.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Remember when we were gonna change the world?

Dr. Doug Ross:
No, I was always in it for the money.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Why didn't you ever tell me I could be a lawyer, or a pilot, or a damn astronaut?

Helen Hathaway:
You wanted to be an astronaut?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
No, but I wanted you to tell me I could!

Helen Hathaway:
Fine! Be an astronaut!

Carla Reece:
[to Peter] You go back to worrying about yourself, because that's what you do best.

Dr. Doug Ross:
So why did you go ahead and take it?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
The MCATs?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Mm-hmm.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
For me. Just wanted to see if I was good enough.

Dr. Doug Ross:
You are.

Zakar Papazian:
[tells Neela something in Armenian while holding her hand]

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
What?

Translator:
He's asking you for a date.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
[hastily pulling her hand away] Oh. Well, repeat the head CT. I think he's still altered.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
So, uh, Carter... did you know this new resident, Jing something-or-other?

Dr. John Carter:
That's good - screw up her name. That'll impress her.

Ruth Greene:
Dr. Black says that you and your father are responsible for your own feelings. But I know I started. I blamed him. I blamed you. I didn't want a baby. It was too soon. We'd only dated a couple of times. Of course, when I saw you, I loved you. And I tried to make up for it. But I'd already spoiled everything between you and your father. And it just kept going wrong, no matter how much I loved you both.

David Greene:
In near a minute, the engines would start, and lives would be at stake, for every minute of the next twelve hours. Sounds familiar?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Sort of.

Dr. Doug Ross:
I'm confused now. Your father's still alive, right? He's still with your mother.

Dr. Mark Greene:
So that's the criteria for a good father? Longevity?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Did he smack you around a lot? Used to smack your mom around?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Poor Doug.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Wait. Poor Doug? Your father, did he, did he come into your room in the middle of the night and throw up on your bed and pass out? Did he do that? Did he leave you in a hallway in Atlantic City while he screwed some hat check girl, Mark? Did he do that? Did he do that, Mark? Your father was there for you every night, you and your mother. And that's love. Now, whether it's the way you want it or not, it's love, Mark. You grew up in Ozzie and Harriet land. Get your head out of your ass.

Dr. Mark Greene:
What are you thinking about, Doug?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Carol... I'm in love with her. I mean, I used to think I knew what love was. I cared about a lot of women, I just don't think I've ever really been in love. I think about her all the time. I don't like it when I'm not with her, I don't want to be with anyone else. That's love, isn't it?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yeah... That's love.

Dr. Mark Greene:
How much longer?

Dr. Doug Ross:
About 30 seconds since the last time you asked. Are you this tough to travel with all the time?

[Doug has just revealed that he's dating Carol]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Does she make you take a lie detector test every week?

Princess Taffeta:
I've never been one for hospitals. They smell funny.

Princess Taffeta:
You know, they used to drown red-haired babies in the old days 'cause they thought they were the devil.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
And they used to burn crazy people who they thought were witches.

[Dr. Lewis and Dr. Greene are walking up to the helipad]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Ohh, God...

Dr. Mark Greene:
The flight rotation was like the highlight of my residency. You'll be fine.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I'll be thousands of feet in the air, in something shaped like a baked potato with a frat beanie on it.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Actually, it's only hundreds of feet.

Mr. Brazil's Caregiver:
I've been Mr. B.'s caretaker for 20 years. He wants to be cryogenically preserved when he de-animates.

Jeanie Boulet:
He wants to what?

Pickman:
Be put on ice when he croaks.

Jeanie Boulet:
Frozen?

Pickman:
Like a popsicle.

Waitress at Doc Magoo's:
What'll it be?

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
Do you believe in reincarnation?

Waitress at Doc Magoo's:
Sure, why not? Next life, I'm coming back as Cindy Crawford.

Jeanie Boulet:
Could you do us a favor? A deceased patient of mine wants to be cryogenically preserved.

Waitress at Doc Magoo's:
[stares]

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
We gotta freeze a dead guy. You got any ice?

Dr. Dennis Gant:
We all make mistakes, you know?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Any other words of wisdom, Gant?

Dr. Dennis Gant:
You're a real prick, you know that?

Dr. Abby Keaton:
I'm sorry, I should have never left you unsupervised. There are nuances in neonatal surgery. The liver's more friable in newborns.

Dr. Peter Benton:
I wanted a clean field before I closed.

Dr. Abby Keaton:
Yeah, you said that.

Dr. Peter Benton:
It seemed appropriate.

Dr. Abby Keaton:
What's at issue here is that you ignored my specific instructions.

Dr. Peter Benton:
I didn't ignore anything! I followed standard operative procedure. Look, I've done it at least a dozen times in other patients.

Dr. Abby Keaton:
This is not "another patient"! This is an infant! Outside, now.

[they step out of the NICU and into the hall]

Dr. Abby Keaton:
You don't know anything about pediatric surgery!

Dr. Peter Benton:
Look, I thought it was necessary -

Dr. Abby Keaton:
Are you unwilling to learn from your mistakes?

Dr. Peter Benton:
It doesn't say in the text not to stitch a liver!

Dr. Abby Keaton:
It isn't in the text! You didn't know what the hell you were doing! The second you realized you screwed up you should have called me. Why did I find 3 stitches in there?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Because I tried to -

Dr. Abby Keaton:
Because you arrogantly and blindly think that you have all the answers! If that baby dies, it'll be my responsibility, but it'll be your fault!

Hubert Skinner, California Cryonics:
Hubert Skinner, California Cryonics. Mr. Brazil!

Jeanie Boulet:
Do you have some sort of ID?

Hubert Skinner, California Cryonics:
[handing Jeanie a large envelope] It's all there. Give him 10,000 units of Heparin, stat! I'll pack him up, and we'll be on our way.

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
[aside, to Jeanie] Is he a doctor?

Jeanie Boulet:
I don't think so. What do we do?

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
Well, the Heparin can't hurt, him being dead and all...

Dr. Mark Greene:
What are you doing?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Hyperventilating, leave me alone!

Dr. Peter Benton:
Carol! [drops chart on desk]

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Careful!

Dr. Peter Benton:
I'm having problems with Haleh.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
So I heard.

Dr. Peter Benton:
I'd like you to reschedule her, so we don't have to work together anymore.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
From what I hear, you're the one that needs to be rescheduled.

Dr. Peter Benton:
So, what does that mean? You won't do it?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
No, I won't. The nursing schedule is my prerogative.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Even if that situation is endangering patient care?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
You work every day and every third night. Haleh's got four kids to support. When is she supposed to work?

Dr. Peter Benton:
The woman refuses to follow my instructions!

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Why should she? You're still in training, remember? She already graduated.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Oh, come on, Carol, don't give me that! I mean, we are NOT equals!

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Look, she may not know how to cross-clamp an aorta, but Haleh has been working in emergency medicine for twenty years, and if you would ever hop off that pedestal you've put yourself on you might see that the nurses make this place work, not you.

Randi Fronczak:
I don't believe in divorce.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I always suspected you were an old fashioned girl.

Randi Fronczak:
I don't believe in marriage either.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Tell Lewis to gag him, sedate him, or kill him.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
She's on break.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
So, how's it going down here?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Wanna hear something scary? I miss Weaver.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Get rid of this coffee machine in here! You losers can pay for your own java!

Dr. Robert Romano:
This is my ER now! It stands for one thing, Everyone's Replaceable. Even you.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
All right, which one of you smart-asses stole my crutch?

[Tom needs a heart transplant]

Tom Coggins:
How long can I last on this pump?

Dr. Mark Greene:
A couple weeks.

Tom Coggins:
Pretty lousy odds.

Dr. Mark Greene:
They were worse when you were having a heart attack and the chopper was going down.

[Luka is going to The Congo]

Abby Lockhart:
Take care of yourself... I mean it.

[discussing reasons for anulling their marriage]

Chuck Martin:
Fraud. Have you ever faked anything?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
No. Have you?

Chuck Martin:
No, I'm just a screamer.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
You, I need to talk to you. [Chuck leans on the counter and looks at Luka] What are you doing tonight?

Chuck Martin:
Take it easy, cowboy. I'm a married man.

Frank Martin:
Oooooh, lesbian cat fight! Somebody grab a video camera.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
She has a boyfriend.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
That's nice.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
You said you didn't want to be exclusive!

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
I said it four days ago!

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I forgot she was coming.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
You know what, I don't care. It's fine, Luka.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
It's fine?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
You think I really care how many little French girls you're screwing? You already nailed every nurse in the ER!

Dr. Archie Morris:
Dr. Weaver, if I'm endangering any lives, I'm willing to leave.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Good. Why don't you go stand in the middle of Lake Shore Drive and play Tiananmen Square?

Dr. Jing-Mei Chen:
What's with all these boxes, Frank?

Frank Martin:
That's where I keep my lists of idiotic questions.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
We had to open up your chest to bypass the blockage. So, no more nachos. No more peirogis.

Frank Martin:
I'm in hell, right? You killed me. You and your faithful Indian companion.

[about Frank]

Neela Rasgotra:
Hard to believe he was an officer.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
And a husband and a dad.

Neela Rasgotra:
And a bigot.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
That too.

Brian:
[about an ultrasound] Can you see through someone's clothes with this?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Nope, doesn't work. Already tried.

[about a patient who is coming to the ER in a tank]

Officer Davis:
If he's coming here, we'll feed him onto the Eisenhower, force him to run out of gas.

Dr. Archie Morris:
That's your plan? Let him run out of gas?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
[sarcastically] They're also getting a helicopter with a gigantic magnet.

Dr. Mark Greene:
How many people know about me and Chuny Marquez?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Including the cleaning crew?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
I killed a man, and nobody around here seems to give a damn!

Dr. David Morgenstern:
Carter, what's the difference between a prostate and a garden hose?

Dr. John Carter:
I have no idea.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
I'll tell you: There's a vas deferens.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
The heart of any emergency room is the admit desk. Information is the blood that courses through it, and the desk clerk is like the tricuspid valve, if you will.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Most interns send their urine samples to the lab without knowing what happens once they're there. Let's pretend that we're urine samples, and find out.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Sasha, what a pleasant surprise. Sasha's one of our five-star chefs in the cafeteria. So what's today's special?

Sasha:
Bratwurst. Idiot busboy carries out bin of hot water. Shoom! Right down my boot.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Pretty nasty. Normally, I'd amputate, but I'm afraid you'd put it on the menu.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Collins, put in a Foley. Don't be shy, it's not yours.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I've been kind of a jerk.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Worse.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Pain in the ass?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Keep going.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Total schmuck.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Bingo.

Atty. Herb Spivak:
Pythons love chicken, so I dipped the rat in my chicken soup, it spilled on my jacket, and bingo! The guy got me.

Pickman:
Python must've thought he was the world's biggest chicken.

Dr. Peter Benton:
What about you? You got any kids?

Dr. Robert Romano:
None they've been able to pin on me.

[operating on a boy with reversed organs]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
This would be easier with a mirror in the ceiling.

Dr. Robert Romano:
We could operate in my bedroom.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Is he squeamish?

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
No, just stupid.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
This patient has been intubated with a central line. Who did this?

Abby Lockhart:
Sign here and you can say you did.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
I thought you were on the chopper.

Chuck Martin:
Oh, God, no. They brought their own nurse and that b*tch wouldn't let me fly.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
That b*tch saved your life.

[about Luka]

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Why did you invite him?

Alex Taggart:
Because he's my friend.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Well, you shouldn't have friends who are over 30.

Alex Taggart:
Why not?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Because you're a kid.

Alex Taggart:
So? I like him. He's cool.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
I know what you're trying to do.

Alex Taggart:
Am not.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
And I'd rather not be going out with someone right now, okay?

Alex Taggart:
You're probably not his type. Besides, he's my friend, not yours.

Mrs. Marshall:
The nurse never came with my medicine.

Abby Lockhart:
That's okay. I'm your nurse now.

Mrs. Marshall:
I thought you were my doctor.

Abby Lockhart:
That was this morning. Now I'm your nurse.

Mrs. Marshall:
This is a very strange hospital.

Abby Lockhart:
Tell me about it.

Glenda:
You ever hear of Colonel Draht?

Jerry Markovic:
Uh-uh.

Glenda:
He was doing some fine work with weapons-training patriots down in Texas.

Cynthia Hooper:
Like that guy from Waco?

Dr. Doug Ross:
I didn't flirt with her.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
No, no, she asked you out for a drink because she likes the way you hold an ice pack.

[Pratt notices that Charlotte has entered the trauma room, where they are working on her dad]

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Hey Charlotte, how did you get in here?

Charlotte Paxon:
The door.

Mae Lee Park:
I've heard a lot about you.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Great. All good, I hope.

Dr. Dustin Crenshaw:
More or less. We left out the part about you being our unwanted ER stepchild.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Please tell Mr. Morales that there are things that he can buy that won't get, uh, stuck up there. You know, like a wide base, or a string attached.

Nurse Dawn Archer:
My Spanish definitely ain't that good.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Uh, Se?or. [gesturing to his behind] Este una salida! No entrada!

Dr. Tony Gates:
Don't steal any paintings.

Sarah Riley:
Don't kill any patients.

Dr. Tony Gates:
I'm allowed one a day!

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
You want me to talk to this dude because I'm black.

Dr. Archie Morris:
Well, yeah. I mean, you are black, aren't you?

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
That's wrong, Morris.

Dr. Archie Morris:
What? We do this all the time! If I had a pregnant girl, I might get Abby. Big Croatian, Kovac.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
I didn't come to you with my autistic Irish kid.

Dr. Archie Morris:
You could've! You should've!

[about her engagement]

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
If you tell anyone, I'll kill you.

Hope Bobeck:
[giggles excitedly]

Hope Bobeck:
Do you hear me? Kill you, as in dead. Got it?

Jennifer Greene:
People die, Mark. You do the best you can. You're human.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I'm not supposed to be.

Dr. William 'Wild Willy' Swift:
A patient presents to ER, ptosis, myosis and hydrosis. Dr. Ross, what does that bring to mind?

Dr. Doug Ross:
The Osis sisters. I dated the short one.

Deb Chen:
John, could you please help me with a patient?

John Carter:
Why, is it a procedure you've already done?

Deb Chen:
No. It's a guy who's really drunk, smashed his finger in a car door and he's pawing at me. He also smells terrible.

John Carter:
And you have a problem with that?

[after a tall man on drugs, still tied to his gurney, walks out of the ER]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[to Carter] Full moon, Saturday night.

John Carter:
Cool.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
From now on, no one else is going to Africa. I'm tired of this Albert Schweitzer routine.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
You know what? Why don't save your lectures for the med students 'cause the nurses don't want to hear it.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
What is it with Kovac and his holier than thou healing hands? I'm getting pretty sick of that.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Oh, I don't know. Those healing hands have their good points. Right, Abby?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
Did you go out with Kovac?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Briefly, yeah.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
And Carter?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Yep.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Abby's the ER slut.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
I went out with two doctors in five years that I've worked with.

Lester Kertzenstein:
Hey, Abby. Are we still on for tonight?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Yeah.

Lester Kertzenstein:
Great.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
We're studying! And you shouldn't talk, Chuny.

Dr. John Carter:
Was Romano's prosthetic arm destroyed in the accident?

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Why?

Dr. John Carter:
'Cause if it wasn't, it's gonna hunt Dr. Weaver down and strangle her.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Look at you, Mr. GQ.

Frank Martin:
What, do you have a deportation hearing?

[Dr Weaver has just dedicated a Gay and Lesbian center at the hospital to the late Dr Romano]

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Did I miss the dedication?

Dr. John Carter:
More like postmortem payback.

Dave Spencer:
So how was your pancake-juju thing?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
My what?

Dave Spencer:
Your surgery. The operation you were doing this morning.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Pancreaticojejunostomy?

Dave Spencer:
You made that up, didn't you?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Nope.

Dave Spencer:
Come on, admit it. You have the perfect job for getting out of things. Who's going to argue with a surgeon? "I'm really sorry, I'd love to help you move this weekend, but I have to separate a pair of Guatemalan twins who are joined at the testes."

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Actually, a pancreaticojejunostomy is a re-plumbing of the upper GI tract.

Dave Spencer:
That sounds painful. Can you get that from working out? Because my shoulder's been killing me.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I believe that's called old age.

[Carol is having an ultrasound]

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
What? Mark, what?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Heartbeat.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Yes, Mark, Elizabeth already said that. What?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
No, what he means is... there's two heartbeats.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
[shocked]... Twins?

Jeanie Boulet:
A man came in today. He sat there, and watched his wife die. And he helped her to die, because she was in so much pain, and he loved her. [angrily] But we didn't have that kind of marriage, did we, Al? We didn't love, we didn't cherish. We didn't respect! And now you've killed me!

Jerry Markovic:
Dr. Greene, I'm gonna remind you one more time...

Dr. Mark Greene:
I'm on my way. I'm gonna take Susan with me for protection.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Protection from what?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Ghost up on the 5th floor.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Why do we have to go up there?

[They step onto the elevator]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Guy gorked off, I have to pronounce him. You're not scared, are you?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Of course not.

[the lights go out and the elevator stops]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
...Mark?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Susan?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Oh good, you're still there.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Where would I go?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[nervous laugh]

[the lights flicker]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Jerry!

Jerry Markovic:
I called maintenance 4 times, they're working on it.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Ohhh, maybe it's the ghost from the 5th floor.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Not you, too.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
It's a true story, Mark! It's up there!

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Poor guy, still pining away for the woman he loved.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
I thought he broke her heart.

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Broke his own heart is more like it.

Dr. Mark Greene:
And how do you know this?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Because that's the story. It was Halloween night, the 1930s or something, up on the 5th floor. There was rain and thunder and lightning... he was a doctor, she was an intern...

Nurse Lily Jarvik:
She loved him, didn't she?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
[nods] But a really wealthy, handsome patient had fallen in love with her, and asked her to marry him.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
What did she say?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
She didn't know what to say. So... she told the doctor.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
What did he say?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
He said nothing.

Nurse Lily Jarvik:
I thought he loved her!

Dr. Susan Lewis:
He did love her, but he just stood there, he couldn't get the words out. And then, after she walked across the room, she turned back and looked at him... she put her hand to her lips, and blew him what would be their first and only kiss. They say it blew through him like a rush of cold wind.

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
That's so sad!

Jerry Markovic:
What happened?

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Unfortunately, the doc fell out the 5th floor window, so that's kind of it.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Well, I'm sure they worked on him in the O.R. for awhile.

Charlie Chiemingo:
Where's my treat?

Dr. Doug Ross:
You know what? We're all out.

Charlie Chiemingo:
Can I get a couple of condoms?

Dr. Doug Ross:
How old are you?

Charlie Chiemingo:
Eighteen.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Yeah? Why don't you come back when you're 15.

Charlie Chiemingo:
Screw it. My dates don't like 'em anyway.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Wait, what's your name?

Charlie Chiemingo:
Charlie.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Charlie, you working the streets?

Charlie Chiemingo:
What do you think?

Dr. Doug Ross:
I think that you're at risk for, uh, AIDS.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Charlie, where are you living?

Charlie Chiemingo:
[sarcastically] In a penthouse on Lakeshore Drive.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
[standing at the door to the admit area] I'm here to unload that new shipment of barbituates. [Susan and Jerry look up]

Dr. Susan Lewis:
Hey! [she goes over and hugs her] At least you didn't kill off your sense of humor.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
No, just a few brain cells.

Jerry Markovic:
Hey...

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Hey, Jerry. [they share a huge hug] Jerry... Jerry... you're killing me! [he lets her go and they all laugh]

Jerry Markovic:
Not like you haven't tried already.

[Carter is teaching Ivan how to insert a catheter]

Dr. John Carter:
For the average male penis, I use a 16-French Foley catheter.

Med Student Ivan Fu:
Those French, they think of everything.

Dr. John Carter:
Now you are ready to insert, applying gentle, constant pressure.

Med Student Ivan Fu:
Isn't this a nurse's job?

Dr. John Carter:
You need to know how, Ivan. So grab that penis, and show it who's boss.

[Cynthia is eating Ding Dongs]

Cynthia Hooper:
These are my all-time favorites. When I was in Virginia, they didn't call them "Ding Dongs", they called them "King Don's", I mean, on the package, and I'm saying, "Why weren't they called 'Ding Dongs' in Virginia? I mean, like, what law does that violate, right?

Dr. Mark Greene:
What I can't figure out, maybe you can help me with this. Ding Dongs, Ho Hos. Same food, just different shape. How do they get away with that?

Cynthia Hooper:
That's right!

Dr. Mark Greene:
Why are they pretending that they're two different things? Ding Dong - Ho Ho conspiracy.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Had to see it for myself, Archie Morris and Greg Pratt. Attendings, huh?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I can't do this. I can't pretend everything's gonna be ok. Premies don't make it out of the OR.

Maggie Wyczenski:
Let it go. Abby, Abby. All the bad things you've seen, let it go.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
And I can't believe I let myself get talked into this.

Maggie Wyczenski:
Stop it!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I spent a month in the NICU, I know how this ends.

Maggie Wyczenski:
Abby! You have a lot of great qualities, but optimism is not one of them.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
[Abby laughs] Whose fault is that?

Maggie Wyczenski:
Yeah. Alright. I did not create a good environment for a child to grow up believing things would work out. But you're not a child any longer. You're the mother now. And that baby down there needs you to believe he's gonna be ok.

Dr. Donald Anspaugh:
Another round of epi! Guys, he's grey. Point 2 of epi. 10 cc's of pav, now!

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I'm trying! I am really, really trying!

Maggie Wyczenski:
I've been through all of this.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Have you had a C-section, a hysterectomy, and a premature baby?

Frank Martin:
Do you want the walls eggshell or white?

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
Do I look like Martha Stewart? I'm the Chief of Staff, I've got real work to do.

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I can't shut my brain off. I keep thinking, why is the dopamine at 17 instead of 20 and why don't they change the tube position? I can't see his eyes. Do you know what colour they are?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
They're blue.

Dr. Archie Morris:
I'm not trying to toot my own horn, okay? But had Jerry wound up in the hands of Barnett or Lockhart, he'd be rapping with Tupac right now.

Dr. Archie Morris:
I am not an ass-kissing company man. I'm an ass-kissing ER man, and I want my scrubs back!

[about Joe]

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
I wonder what he's thinking.

Maggie Wyczenski:
"Get a life, Mom."

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Oh, gee, thanks.

Dr. Tony Gates:
You want fries or onion rings?

Dwight Zadro:
Vegetables. I'm doing South Beach.

Dr. Tony Gates:
You drank a milk shake an hour ago.

[Pratt comes over with a lab coat]

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Yo Gates! You want me to take this or put it in the lost and found for you?

Dr. Tony Gates:
Oh, I don't do the whites. I'm into natural fibers.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
You know, Gates, you've always bugged me. But you're in my ER now, so put on the damn coat.

[about Neela]

Dr. Tony Gates:
You know, I hear she had a roommate. Never tried to sleep with her.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
What a dill weed.

Dr. Tony Gates:
[to a man who has overdosed on heroin] Looks like you got a bad batch of heroin there. Knocked you on your ass. I hate when that happens. don't you?

Byron Evers:
That's not funny, man.

Frank Martin:
[Morris is wearing an expensive suit] What'd you do? Mug a pimp?

Dr. Archie Morris:
Yeah, your dad says hi.

Dr. Tony Gates:
[to a man who has overdosed on heroin] Looks like you got a bad batch of heroin there. Knocked you on your ass. I hate when that happens. don't you?

Paramedic:
That's not funny, man.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Are you ever gonna tell me why you call me that?

Dr. Tony Gates:
Mayday? Well, she was my favorite Bond girl. Grace Jones in "A View To A Kill". Started off as a bad guy, then she saved the whole world. Hey, you're lucky. Could have been P*ssy Galore.

Dr. Archie Morris:
I'm getting my pretty boy on for my last night with Hope. I ordered the works package. I can't wait.

Frank Martin:
It's gonna take more than the works to save that mug of yours.

Javier:
Oh my God, so mean.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
That's his baseline. You'll get used to it.

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
I remember when Alex was 3, I took him to one of those bounce houses at the carnival. And of course, he's in there with 5- and 6-year-old kids. So he gets knocked down, right? And every time he tries to get up, he keeps getting knocked down again, and he's crying, "Mommy! Mommy!" And the attendant won't let me in because he thinks I'm some stupid teenager, right?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
So what did you do?

Nurse Samantha Taggart:
I stood there and I cheered him on. And every time he got knocked down, I told him, "I know you can get up." But that's when it hit me. They fall. And all you can do is be there and hope they keep getting up.

Javier:
[in Spanish] Then I was a personal shopper at Barneys. That's when I knew I could do anything. Rich white people, my God, they're crazy.

Abby Lockhart:
How you feeling?

Carol Hathaway:
I'm in love with the epidural man.

Abby Lockhart:
Some people like to call him an anesthesiologist.

Carol Hathaway:
Oh, he will always be the epidural man to me.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[Carol's water has broken on the train] Your contractions are too close together! You are in active labor!

Carol Hathaway:
[Gives Luka an incredulous look] Gee, you think?

[about Elizabeth]

Rachel Greene:
Is she pretty?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yes, she's pretty.

Rachel Greene:
Prettier than Cynthia?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Different kind of pretty.

David Greene:
Beauty is overrated.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I said she's pretty. Jeez.

Rachel Greene:
The Pilgrims came here to escape persecution from the British.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Yes, so they could go about persecuting the Indians.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
The British were fighting the Germans 3 years before the Americans. Perhaps they were just being cautious.

David Greene:
That would be one word for them.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I suppose "tea-loving" would be another.

Rachel Greene:
That's two words!

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
It's a hyphenate, actually!

[Carol has had the first of her twins]

Dr. Mark Greene:
One down, one to go.

Carol Hathaway:
Uh-uh. I quit.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Do you know what time it is?

David Greene:
Yeah, time my 10-year-old granddaughter started her period!

[Carol has just had twins]

Dr. Mark Greene:
You know, they both came out so good, you oughta think about doing it again.

Carol Hathaway:
[sarcastically] Yeah, I'm gonna get right on that.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Couldn't you have the courtesy to at least tell me first? It's called respect, Kerry. Hey, look, it's even on your stupid badge.

[about Reese]

Dr. Peter Benton:
Hey, Jackie, do you think he looks like me?

Jackie Robbins:
Hope not. He's got enough problems.

Dr. Robert Romano:
The Chicago Gazette is sending over a reporter - mostly to do a fluff piece on me - but they also want to take a look at the ER.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Why are you telling me?

Dr. Robert Romano:
Well, because you're gonna show them around. Let them see what heroes we all are. How we save kiddies' lives et cetera. You know? Blowing my trumpet?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Don't you do that better yourself?

Dr. Robert Romano:
Look at you. Look at me. Who would you rather spend an hour with?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
You have a point.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Hey, how many patients do you think we see in the hospital every year?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Too many.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
How many patients do you think we see in the hospital every year?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Would that be real patients, or turkeys?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Forget I asked.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Your count will be about 95 percent higher if you count all the wackos.

Cynthia Hooper:
You don't like being swept off your feet?

Jeanie Boulet:
It's the landing that's the problem.

Dr. Mark Greene:
It's not my job to be their best friend.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
No. Just their caregiver.

Millicent Carter:
I looked him dead in the eye and I said, "That might fly with your Hollywood chippies, Mr. President, but I am a lady."

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
What did he do?

Millicent Carter:
He took his hand off my rear and apologized.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
And that was it?

Millicent Carter:
Then I slept with him.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Have you ever removed an entire stomach before?

Dr. Peter Benton:
No. Have you?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
In a frog.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Do you think of me as diplomatic?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
What does that have to do with it?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Answer the question.

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Well, it's not the first word that springs to mind, no.

Dr. Doug Ross:
What would the first word be that springs to mind?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Um, stubborn. Opinionated. Insouciant.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Insouciant?

Nurse Carol Hathaway:
Look it up.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
What are you wearing tonight?

Nurse Connie Oligario:
My velvet dress.

Nurse Lydia Wright:
The one you wore last year?

Nurse Connie Oligario:
I didn't pass out and rip mine in the parking lot like someone I know.

Dr. Ray Barnett:
So, that Brenner guy?

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Mm-hmm?

Dr. Ray Barnett:
Kinda seems like a dick.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Can I have a piece of candy?

[Owen shakes his head no]

Dr. Tony Gates:
No? You have enough sugar in there to put all of Chicago into a diabetic coma. One piece?

[Owen shakes his head no again]

Dr. Tony Gates:
All right. You know what you're doing there? It's called emotional eating.

Dr. Cate Banfield:
When your parents are gone, you're an orphan. Your spouse dies, you're a widow or widower. But when you lose your baby... there's no word for that.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Can I hug you? I wanna hug you.

Dr. Cate Banfield:
You try that and you'll be the one with a traumatic injury.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
How's the weather, Frank?

Frank Martin:
Hurricane Up Yours is about to hit. What do you want? I'm filing.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
I'm just making small talk. How's it going?

Frank Martin:
Am I being punk'd? You never wonder how I'm doing.

Dr. Tony Gates:
Women are weird.

Frank Martin:
No, Neela's weird. Indian and Brit, bad combination.

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Dawn, meet Josie Weller.

Josie Weller:
Delightful to meet you! I've been so looking forward to this day!

Nurse Dawn Archer:
We're going to radiology, not Disneyland.

Josie Weller:
Marvelous squared!

Josie Weller:
You have wonderful pecs! Why do you hide them under that unflattering white coat?

Dr. Dustin Crenshaw:
Are you trying to irritate me?

Dr. Abby Lockhart:
Well, you make it so easy.

Dr. Dustin Crenshaw:
Was I unclear this morning when I assigned you to consults? Hmm? No? Do I speak too fast, or is that I, uh, accidentally lapsed into Aramaic, as I am prone to do?

Frank Martin:
Hey! You're not in jail!

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Not this time, Frank.

[about Kerry's tirade about the healthcare system, which interrupted Archie's news broadcast]

Courtney Brown:
That was gold. What's her name?

Dr. Archie Morris:
Dr. Judas!

Carol Hathaway:
[watching a news report about a case] Ugh, TV docs.

Dr. David Morgenstern:
There are reporters crawling all over this place like ants.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Did you get the job?

Dr. Doug Ross:
90 grand a year and nobody dies. Hallelujah, auf Wiedersehen, I'll see you around.

[to Carter]

Mrs. Phillips:
We won't be needing your surgeon after all. I called my own.

Mr. Phillips:
Who?

Mrs. Phillips:
Fred.

Mr. Phillips:
Fred Mendoza? He'll cost a fortune.

Mrs. Phillips:
It's only your daughter's face.

Mr. Phillips:
I hate him. That's why you called him.

Mrs. Phillips:
He's the best in the city.

Mr. Phillips:
On lopsided breasts.

[Mrs. Philips slaps him in the face and walks away]

Mr. Phillips:
[to Carter] Touchy subject.

[about Doom II, the game the ER staff is playing at the admit desk]

Dr. Mark Greene:
I've done thoracotomies that were less bloody.

Jerry Markovic:
[to Carol] He just doesn't understand the educational value.

Paramedic:
Mercy's closer.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Yeah, but by 3 minutes. Then he dies because there's no ICU.

Paramedic:
Or else he dies in a new helicopter.

Dr. Doug Ross:
Look, I don't have time to argue with you. I will take full responsibility! [to the news team] This boy is going to die!

Dr. Doug Ross:
He's in V-Fib!... Come on!

Channel 5 Chopper Reporter:
What are those paddles for Dr. Ross?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Stabilize his beat. They didn't charge the battery!

Dr. Mark Greene:
[Watching in the ER] Oh my God!

Dr. Doug Ross:
GOD! [Ross screams in frustration] All right, I need your help. Turn the camera off... Turn the camera off!

TV News Reporter Dr, Beth Mahoney:
Excuse me. [Carter starts running towards them] Are you the parents of the little boy in the tunnel? How does it feel to know that mercy was

John Carter:
Excuse me.

TV News Reporter Dr, Beth Mahoney:
clearly 3 minutes cl- [Carter steps between the reporter and the parents]

John Carter:
Excuse me. I think you'd better leave.

TV News Reporter Dr, Beth Mahoney:
I'm sorry. I'm talking with these people.

John Carter:
No. You're not! [Escorts the parents past the reporter]

Dr. Doug Ross:
[Commenting on the sutures] That one's crooked.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Yeah? Well next time you can do it yourself.

Dr. Mark Greene:
What's he doing on a new chopper?

Jerry Markovic:
[Jerry points to the TV] Hey look there's Doctor Ross.

Nurse Malik McGrath:
Turn up the volume.

Nurse Wendy Goldman:
Where's the remote?

Dr. Mark Greene:
[Greene speaks into the radio] Doug, do you read me?

Dr. Doug Ross:
Mark, is that you?

Dr. Mark Greene:
What are you doing?

Dr. Doug Ross:
I got a 12 year old with hypothermia. I gotta warm him up fast! I'm doing the best I can.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Doug, you're a mess. Go change into some scrubs.

[Ross continues working]

Dr. Mark Greene:
You're freezing. Go get some coffee and warm up.

[Ross keep working]

Dr. Mark Greene:
Hey! I need you here! Go change!

Dr. Doug Ross:
[Ross starts to leave] I never should have put him that damn chopper!

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
When was the last time you went out on a date?

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
Why does everybody here think I need to get laid?

Dr. Gregory Pratt:
Trust me, sometimes it helps.

Dr. Greg Pratt:
[about the letter Neela is writing to Gallant] Tell him to hurry up and get his ass back here in one piece. I'm tired of waiting for my rematch. Now let's get back inside.

Neela Rasgotra:
[in her letter] Pratt says he misses you.

Roberto Rosales:
Is it always like this?

Neela Rasgotra:
Multiply the usual bus-load of colds and coughs times ten because it's February, add four for seasonal complaints - frostbites, sled accidents, tongues frozen to metal poles - double the car crashes, add your baseline chest pains, strokes, and GSWs, and this is what you get: hell frozen over.

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
With all due respect, Ma'am, if your boy had a temp of 112, he'd be dead.

Angry Mother:
Exactly!

Dr. Neela Rasgotra:
When you have a cut, or some injury, but all you have in the house is one of those band-aids that don't even stay on, they don't really help the problem at all. This would be very nice, I'm sure. It already was... can you see what I mean?

Bret:
Um... I'm a tiny band-aid?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[Luka is drunk and speaking to Abby when Carter comes in. Luka addresses him] You should stay.

Dr. John Carter:
[shakes his head] Gotta go.

Nurse Abby Lockhart:
Are you working tomorrow?

Dr. Luka Kovac:
[smirks] Nooooooo...

Dr. John Carter:
Lucky you.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Lucky for the patients.

Erin Harkins:
[Harkins is flirting Luka right after Abby and Carter leave] You need to get out on the dance floor. Show me some of those Croatian moves.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
Luka don't dance.

John Carter:
You ever get used to this?

Dr. Peter Benton:
Used to what?

John Carter:
Going on three hours sleep.

Dr. Peter Benton:
Anything more than three hours and I'm sluggish all day.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I was embraced by two men today. I find that highly unusual.

Nurse Malik McGrath:
[Carrying gigantic shears] Behind you! Look out!

Dr. Mark Greene:
Ummm, Malik, you look like a surgeon!

[Carter has a hickey]

Dr. Peter Benton:
You have a hematoma on your neck.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Whoa, she's dead.

Dr. Luka Kovac:
I know.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Like, blue-dead.

Nurse Malik McGrath:
Pulse-ox is 65.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
That's because she's dead.

[urinal overflows]

Dr. Robert Romano:
Oh, well. Wasn't me.

[Elizabeth's hands itch]

Dr. Peter Benton:
Are you allergic to any plants?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I don't think so.

Dr. Peter Benton:
You have a garden?

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
I went camping.

Dr. Robert Romano:
Tell me you know what poison ivy looks like.

Dr. Elizabeth Corday:
Poison ivy... is that in Wisconsin?

Dr. Robert Romano:
Oh boy.

Dr. Dave Malucci:
Something wrong with the Australian boys?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Who?

Dr. Dave Malucci:
You're scratching down under. Oh yeah. Doesn't make a good first impression.

[Dr. Greene enters carrying a sled]

Dr. Dennis Gant:
Sled to work, Dr. Greene?

Dr. Mark Greene:
It's a Christmas present for my daughter.

Randi Fronczak:
That's it?

Dr. Mark Greene:
Don't you remember sliding in those snow-covered bluffs with the cold wind flowing through your hair?

Dr. Dennis Gant:
We didn't have too many snow-covered bluffs in Atlanta.

Randi Fronczak:
We did in Grand Rapids. I coasted right through rush-hour traffic, got hit by a car... Didn't they have one of those dollies that wet itself or something?

Randi Fronczak:
[holds out the phone] For you, Dennis.

Dr. Dennis Gant:
Is Benton trying to reach out and touch me?

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
I think your jaw is broken. The antibiotics will keep bacteria from getting into your bloodstream at the fracture site. But, looking at your chart here, I guess you know the drill, huh? Humerus fracture, 1993. Nasal fracture, 1993. Multiple visits for sutures, 1994, and your first broken jaw was in December 1995. I guess hubby thought he'd go out with a bang this year too, huh?

Beth Lang:
It was an accident.

Dr. Maggie Doyle:
Yeah. Your face got in the way of his fist.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Who's next?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
Ho, ho, ho.

Dr. Mark Greene:
Santa Claus?

Nurse Chuny Marquez:
No, that's who's next. 3 hookers.

[Mark is trying to feed a patient's dog a donut]

Nurse Haleh Adams:
No good?

Dr. Mark Greene:
No, and I've tried PB&J, cookies, fruitcake...

Randi Fronczak:
Nobody likes fruitcake.

Dr. Mark Greene:
I thought dogs ate everything.

Randi Fronczak:
Why don't you take him down to the morgue and have him beg for some table scraps.

[Mark's beeper goes off]

Dr. Mark Greene:
That's Mr. Collins. Maybe he knows what you like to eat.

[Mark reaches out to pet the dog, and the dog snaps and growls at him]

Nurse Haleh Adams:
I think he likes you.

[Dr. Ross is in the cafeteria buying lunch for him and Charlie]

Dr. Doug Ross:
Alright, both of these, plus the three danish, the two packets of cocoa, and the two dinner rolls she's got in her pocket.

Dr. Kerry Weaver:
We're talking policy here, people. "Employee X" could be any one of us.

Jeanie Boulet:
Excuse me... Just would everyone stop calling me "Employee X"? I am HIV-positive.

Dr. John Carter:
My father used to read The Christmas Story every Christmas Eve. I'm so tired, I don't even think I remember it.

Dr. Abby Keaton:
Um..."'Twas the night before Christmas..."

Dr. John Carter:
"And all through the house... Not a creature was stirring..."

Dr. Abby Keaton:
"Not even a mouse."

Dr. John Carter:
I'm gonna miss you.

Dr. Abby Keaton:
That's not the next line!

Dr. John Carter:
I'm really gonna miss you.