Police Squad!

Det. Frank Drebin:
[running gag] Cigarette?

Various:
Yes, I know.

Sally Decker:
Well, when I first heard the shot, and as I turned, Jim fell.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
He's the teller, Frank.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Jim Fell's the teller?

Sally Decker:
No, Jim Johnson.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Who's Jim Fell?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
He's the auditor, Frank.

Sally Decker:
He had the flu, so Jim [pauses] filled in.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Phil who?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Phil Din. He's the night watchman.

Sally Decker:
[crying] If only Phil had been here!

Det. Frank Drebin:
Wait a minute, let me get this straight: Twice came in and shot the teller and Jim Fell.

Sally Decker:
No, he only shot the teller, Jim Johnson. Fell is ill.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Okay, then after he shot the teller, you shot Twice.

Sally Decker:
No, I only shot once.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Twice is the hold up man.

Sally Decker:
Then I guess I did shoot Twice.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Oh, so now you're changing your story.

Sally Decker:
No, I shot Twice after Jim fell.

Det. Frank Drebin:
You shot twice and Jim Fell?

Sally Decker:
No, Jim fell first and then I shot Twice once.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well, who fired twice?

Sally Decker:
Once!

Capt. Ed Hocken:
He's the owner of the tire company, Frank.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[pauses] Okay. Once is the owner of the tire company and he fired Twice. Then Twice shot the teller once.

Sally Decker:
Twice.

Det. Frank Drebin:
...and Jim fell and then you fired Twice.

Sally Decker:
Once!

Det. Frank Drebin:
Okay. All right, that will be all for now, Ms. Decker.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
We'll need you to make a formal statement down at the station.

Sally Decker:
Oh, of course!

Det. Frank Drebin:
You've been very helpful. We think we know how he did it.

Sally Decker:
Oh, Howie couldn't have done it. He hasn't been in for weeks.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well. [pauses] Thank you again, Ms. Decker. [to Ed] Weeks?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Saul Weeks. He's the comptroller, Frank.

Mrs. Twice:
Oh, PLEASE go away. Please go away! I don't want to answer anymore of your questions.

Det. Frank Drebin:
We're sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs. Twice. We would have come earlier, but your husband wasn't dead then.

Mrs. Twice:
Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years?

Det. Frank Drebin:
No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. [Mrs. Twice makes sounds of trying not to cry] Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos - people didn't understand.

[Ed gives Mrs. Twice a handkerchief and she starts crying into it]

Det. Frank Drebin:
[to camera]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Ran him outta town like a common pygmy. [Mrs. Twice starts crying a little harder]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Did he have any enemies?

Mrs. Twice:
Well the Democrats didn't like him.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice continuing to sob softly] Sure, he was a physical education major but he had a mind! He could think, he wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later - had three kids. Never cared for her. Sent a nice gift, never got a note.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Now, I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?

Mrs. Twice:
[crying] No, no he never did.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
It was just a hunch.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[continues, to camera, with Mrs. Twice still going back into her softly sobbing mode] I told him she was wrong. And that youngest boy, just like his father. Football hero. Lived with him for a year. It wasn't the same.

[wistfully]

Det. Frank Drebin:
You can't go back.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[narration] My name is Sergeant Frank Drebbin, Detective-Lieutenant, Police Squad, a special detail of the police department. There'd been a recent wave of gorgeous fashion models found naked and unconscious in laundromats on the West Side. Unfortunately, I was assigned to investigate holdups of neighborhood credit unions. I was across town doing my laundry when I heard the call on the double killing. It took me twenty minutes to get there. My boss was already on the scene.

Ted Olson:
These guns are identical to the one that killed Jim Johnson. Watch carefully as I test fire this gun into these video tapes of Barbara Walters interviews.

[fires gun]

Ted Olson:
As you can see, it completely destroys the Burt Reynolds interview, and everything from Bo Derek to Paul Newman - but only up to the point where Barbara asks him "is it difficult to love?" Now let me show you what happens when the gun is fired from three feet, which is the distance Sally claimed the shots were fired from.

[fires second gun]

Ted Olson:
Notice, complete destruction, right up to the point where she asks Katharine Hepburn what kind of tree she'd like to be.

Dr. Zubatsky:
My god, you're an animal!

Det. Frank Drebin:
[mumbling incoherently, al la John Hurt in The Elephant Man] I am not an animal. I am a human being!

Minister:
What do you know about life after death?

Johnny the Snitch:
I wouldn't know anything about it.

[the Minister gives Johnny a dollar bill bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
You talking existential being, or anthropmorphic deity?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[offering her a cigarette] Cigarette?

Sally Decker:
Yes, I know.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[puts the pack away] Well...

Ted Olson:
So Billy, when the moisture in the air comes in contact with the cold pitcher, it forms water droplets. What we call condensation. Just like your mother when she gets out of the shower, glistening with tiny little beads of... - oh, hi Frank.

Mrs. Twice:
Oh, poor Ralph! And what about my daughter? What am I going to tell her?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Yeah, you're gonna have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.

Det. Frank Drebin:
No wait a minute, how about a big monster came and took him to daddy heaven?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[Mrs Twice starts sobbing louder] Nah...

Capt. Ed Hocken:
What about this: he threw himself on a grenade and saved the battalion. Yeah, that's it.

[Mrs. Twice starts sobbing stronger]

Det. Frank Drebin:
No, no, wait a minute, he was killed by a left wing insurgence from Paraguay?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[Mrs. Twice is sobbing uncontrollably now] No, Bolivia.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
I got it! I got it, he, he was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.

[Mrs. Twice can't stop sobbing, and Frank and Ed finally give up and give her an expression of helplessness]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Was the, eh, dentist cooperative?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Yeah, he gave us plenty of rope. Now we have to see if we can get Sally to stick her head into the noose.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Alright, Sally, you're under arrest. [turns to two police officers] Sergeant, take her away and book her.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[Frank comes up and shakes the policemen by the hand] Sergeant Takeheraway, Sergeant Booker.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
You know, Frank, there's one thing I still don't understand. Now, how did you know that the money Sally gave to Dr. Zubatsky wasn't traceable?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[laughs] I didn't.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Huh?

Det. Frank Drebin:
But neither did Sally! [slaps Hocken on the back. They both begin to laugh, but instead of sound coming out of their mouths they freeze frame]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Frank, I know you got Sally's arrest record from R & I [Records and Information] , but how did you ever figure out she was the one behind the loan office heist?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Just a little hunch back at the office.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
I thought so. Because I brought that little hunchback with me. Charlie, come out here!

[a short, 'hunchback' man walks in]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Charlie! Thanks for the tip.

Mrs. Twice:
[while being interrogated about the murder of her husband] Ralph was such a good man. Who could have done such a horrible thing?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Did he owe any money? Doctor bills, gambling debts, book of the month club?

Mrs. Twice:
No, nothing. Just two more payments on our solar telescope.

Dutch Gunderson:
Who are you and how did you get in here?

Det. Frank Drebin:
I'm a locksmith. And I'm a locksmith.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Why don't you lie there till Tuesday... that's when they pick up the garbage.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[narrating] It took me two weeks to find Stella's apartment. She had neglected to give me her address.

Rocky:
Betcha'd hate to see something happen to your little key store.

Det. Frank Drebin:
What about my little keaster?

Rocky:
Key STORE.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Now let's say a new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, opens up a shop.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
OK...

Det. Frank Drebin, Capt. Ed Hocken:
A new merchant moves into the neighbourhood, and opens up a shop.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Then let's say that merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
All right.

Det. Frank Drebin, Capt. Ed Hocken:
That merchant attracts a certain couple of thugs who demand payments.

Fireman:
Johnny, there's a fire in the Brubaker building.

Johnny the Snitch:
So? I don't know anything about it.

[the fireman gives Johnny a dollar bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
That's a furniture warehouse. Once the fire hits the polyvinyl, you'll have dense smoke and lethal chlorine gas. Extinguish the main part of the fire with pump trucks and with foam. And bring in a cherry picker to evacuate the survivors.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Cigarette?

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
Yes it is.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Now we can't let these vermin infest our city. We'll have a rotten, scum-sucking cesspool.

Police officer:
[off camera] Frank, please! I'm trying to eat this tuna fish sandwich.

Det. Frank Drebin:
A rat-infested, worm-ridden festering boil. [another cop leaves]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
[off camera] Oh Frank, cut it out, will you? I'm talking to my mother.

Ted Olson, Scientist:
So Billy, electrostatic particles are created by an imbalace of electrons. The resulting charge is what we scientists call static electricity.

Billy:
Gee...

Ted Olson, Scientist:
It's, it's just like when your mom takes a dress out of the dryer, puts it on and it clings to every supple curve and soft, round...

[there's a loud crash from the hall, then Frank enters]

Ted Olson, Scientist:
Oh Hi Frank. Eh, why don't you run along now, Billy. Next week don't forget to bring in those magazines you found under your father's bed.

Billy:
Ok, Mr. Olson. Bye.

[leaves]

Det. Frank Drebin:
The way I look at it, you owe me 100 dollars for that window.

Rocky:
Us? I don't know what you're talking about.

Det. Frank Drebin:
So how do you explain this? [hands over the rock that came through the window]

Leo:
Well, billions of years ago the Earth was a molten mass...

Det. Frank Drebin:
How many of these apartment keys would you like?

Stella:
50. You can mail 49 of them to the Chicago Bears. [hands over an envelope]

Dutch Gunderson:
[on phone with Stella] Schnooky lumps. You never called me that before. What happened last night to bring this on?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[instructing Stella what to say] When you held me in your manly armes and crushed me to your lips, I discovered what it meant to be a real woman. When I think of your handsome face, your cruel lips, your strong chin, the way you touch, the way you smother me with kisses...

Dutch Gunderson:
Honey, I gotta go.

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
Look out, he's got a knife!

[Leo charges Drebin, who fends him off]

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
Look out, he's got a club!

[Rocky runs at Drebin but is punched in the face]

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
He's got a signed Picasso!

[Leo uses the Picasso as a shield but Drebin punches him in the stomach]

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
Look out, he's got herpes! He's got cold sores.

[Rocky runs at Drebin with his face forward, Drebin makes sure not to come to close]

Dutch:
Who are you and how did you get in here?

Det. Frank Drebin:
I'm a locksmith, and I'm a locksmith.

Det. Frank Drebin:
I'm here to help you. Coffee?

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
No thank you.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Tea?

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
No.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[a dessert tray rolls up] Eclair? Rumball? Tort?

Jill the Ballet Teacher:
No, really. Thank you.

Mimi:
Is this some kind of bust?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Yes, it's very impressive, but we'd just like to ask a few questions.

Nordberg:
[at the scene of a car bombing] I can't believe anyone would do something so cruel.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Senseless brutality, senseless waste.

Ed Hocken:
Cut down in the prime of life.

Nordberg:
That car was a classic, a '68! You suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?

[a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint]

Prisoner:
I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one.

[Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]

Ed Hocken:
Good job, Frank!

Det. Frank Drebin:
What?

Ed:
All right, Eddie, let's say you did go to the movies.

Eddie Casales:
Okay.

Ed, Eddie Casales, Det. Frank Drebin:
[looking at the camera] You did go to the movies!

Det. Frank Drebin:
Then let's say you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo!

Eddie Casales:
All right.

Ed, Eddie Casales, Det. Frank Drebin:
[looking at the camera again] You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo!

Ted Olson:
Why don't you run along now Katie, and next week I'll show you why women can't play professional football.

Ted Olson:
[attempting to hold a cat underwater] So you see Katie, fish have gills to extract oxygen from water. But air breathing species have lungs which are equipped only to accept oxygen in its natural state. And that's why most mammals must live on land.

Katie:
Wow, that's neat.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Just in time, Eddie.

Eddie Casales:
Piece of cake, Lieutenant.

Det. Frank Drebin:
No thanks, I just ate.

[speaking through a loud bullhorn to a crowd of only two]

Nordberg:
Disperse! Please, disperse! There's nothing for you to see here. Go home. Keep moving, please. Keep moving.

Joyce Brothers:
Johnny, I've been getting a lot of mail about the Cinderella complex.

Johnny the Snitch:
So?

[Dr. Joyce Brothers gives Johnny a dollar bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
Women's fear of success has left many of them confused about their wants and needs. Consequently, the stress-related burnout has driven many women from feminist aggression to female passivity, dependent upon their partners for vicarious fulfillment.

Joyce Brothers:
Well, what do I tell them?

[she gives Johnny another dollar bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
Tell them to get in touch with their unconscious feelings and to share the growth process with their partner.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[pulls out a pack of cigarettes] Cigarette?

Mimi:
Yes, I know.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[puts the pack away] Well...

Ed Hocken:
Here I've made out a list for you.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[sits down to read list] Monroe, Lynch, Barker, Fanning, Smith, Brookhouse, Casales. [ring chimes]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Wait a minute, that name rings a bell.

Ed Hocken:
Eddie Casales? [another kind of ring, more of a clang this time]

Ed Hocken:
Casales... [fire alarm rings]

Ed Hocken:
Casales... [boxing match bell]

Ed Hocken:
Casales... [Big Ben dong]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Do you know where Eddie is right now?

Lana:
[close to tears] You might try the Club Flamingo. He hangs out there with some chorus, girl. A floozy named Mimi Du Jour.

Ed Hocken:
[taking notes] Du Jour? Is she French?

Lana:
That's just her stage name. Her real name is Mimi Coffee.

Ed Hocken:
Coffee?

Lana:
No, thank you.

Ed Hocken:
Did you by any chance have any occasion to know where Eddie was last night?

Mimi:
Last night, why yes, he was with me. We went... to the movies.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[disbelieving] Oh yeah.

Mimi:
Yeah., On the Waterfront.

Ed Hocken:
Come on, there are no movie theaters on the waterfront.

Det. Frank Drebin:
What were you doing on the waterfront last night, Eddie?

Eddie Casales:
I wasn't on the waterfront. I was at the movies.

Ed Hocken:
That's not what she says.

Det. Frank Drebin:
All right, Eddie. Let's go over it again. Where were you last night?

Eddie Casales:
I told you a dozen times, I was at the movies.

Norberg:
[Norberg comes in carrying a box of sandwiches] I've got the sandwiches here.

Ed Hocken:
All right, Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?

Eddie Casales:
I told you, I don't remember!

Norberg:
[sniffs a paper bag] Who had the egg salad?

Ed Hocken:
[sarcastic] 'I don't remember'

Norberg:
Hey, somebody ordered it.

Det. Frank Drebin:
You can't expect us to buy that.

Norberg:
But I already paid for it.

Eddie Casales:
Why don't you give a guy a break?

Norberg:
Thanks a lot.

Eddie Casales:
What's the charge, huh?

Norberg:
Eh, 4.58.

Ed Hocken:
What're you trying to do, insult us?

Norberg:
Okay, 3.50. Coffee's on me.

Eddie Casales:
I told ya, I went to the movies, I fell asleep, I don't remember!

Det. Frank Drebin:
You don't expect us to swallow that!

Norberg:
All right, I'll eat it! But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it. [walks off with sandwiches]

Det. Frank Drebin:
[narrating] When I got home I received a call from Mimi Du Jour. She said she wanted to see me at the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested the Club Flamingo. She agreed.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well, it looks like Lana'll be doing her bombing up in the Stateville Prison from now on, up there along with Sally Decker and Martin and Gunderson.

Ed Hocken:
Now you said Eddie lied about his alibi?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Yeah, he wasn't at the movie. He was over in Milwaukee watching a baseball game. Afraid to tell anyone because crossing over the state line is a violation of parole.

Ed Hocken:
Parole violation, huh? Well, what are we gonna do about that?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Ah, forget it. There are some things you can't deprive a man of.

Ed Hocken:
Well, I'll drink to that, Frank. [they clink and freeze frame on the spot]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Sorry, Bobby. No sax before a fight.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[voice-over] I'd just come from the stockyards. We'd gotten reports of hundreds of cows had been senselessly slaughtered in the area, but I couldn't find any evidence. I stopped off for a hamburger and checked in with headquarters.

Surgeon:
It's a bypass operation, Johnny.

Johnny the Snitch:
So?

Surgeon:
The guy has a history of sinus bradycardia.

Johnny the Snitch:
I wouldn't know anything about it.

[the surgeon gives Johnny a dollar bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
You got him on atrophine?

Surgeon:
Of course.

Johnny the Snitch:
Do a midline thoracotomy, strip the saphenous vein, be careful not to puncture the myocardium.

[in a misty steam room]

Det. Frank Drebin:
All right, hands up Luca! I got a gun in your ribs!

Mary:
I'm not Luca, and those aren't my ribs!

Luca:
Eat lead copper!

[gunshots are heard]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Mary, you all right?

Mary:
Yes.

Luca:
So am I!

[more gunshots]

Det. Frank Drebin:
How about now?

Luca:
Now? Not so good.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Anyone with Schultz after the fight?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Just his manager.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Who's that?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Some joe named Cooper.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Who's this Joe Cooper?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
No, no, it's Sol Cooper.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Too bad you lost your last three fights.

Buddy:
So I had some bad luck, so what?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well, maybe you don't have the right kind of management. Don't you think you should start thinking about that, buddy?

Buddy:
I make a pretty good living.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Maybe you can make a better one. And a cleaner one and a better one.

Det. Frank Drebin:
I'm a manager. I wanna take over Buddy Brigg's contract.

Cooper:
What are you, some kind of a wise guy?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Yeah, I'm a wise guy. With a lot of long green.

Poker player:
You manage Lorne Greene?

Cooper:
I'll trade Buddy for Lorne Greene.

Det. Frank Drebin:
No, no, I mean I got cash.

Poker player:
You manage Johnny Cash, too?

Cooper:
Wait a minute. Who are you?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Kelly. Bob Kelly. [puts a roll of cash on the table]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Mind if I sit in a few hands?

Cooper:
Your money's good here.

Poker player:
Goodyear? You got the blimp, too?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[as Bob Kelly the manager] Buddy Briggs belongs to me now, but just to make it nice and legal, I brought along a bill of sale. Sign it. [throws bill on table and puts Briggs contract in his inside pocket]

Det. Frank Drebin:
[to second poker player] You. You witness it.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[to third poker player] You, check for spelling errors.

Ted Olson, Scientist:
Why don't you run along now, Katie? And next week, remember to bring three things from your mother's dresser.

Mary:
You're not the man I married.

Buddy:
How can you say that?

Mary:
Because here's the man I married. [opens closet to reveal a man sitting there reading a paper]

Det. Frank Drebin:
[as manager Bob Kelly] Now do you think you can beat the champ?

Buddy:
I can take him blindfolded.

Det. Frank Drebin:
What if he's not blindfolded?

Martin:
We've got Mary.

Buddy:
What?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[still posing as Kelly the manager] You're bluffing.

Martin:
Oh yeah? [pulls out a scarf]

Buddy:
Mary's scarf!

Det. Frank Drebin:
You could have gotten that anywhere. [grabs the scarf and throws it away]

Martin:
How about this? [pulls out a knitted purse]

Buddy:
Mary's purse!

Det. Frank Drebin:
There are millions of purses like that. [grabs purse and throws it in a corner]

Martin:
How about this? [pulls out a toaster]

Buddy:
Mary's toaster! [two slices of bread pop out]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Oh my God...

Det. Frank Drebin:
Johnny, I need some information and fast. There's a woman in trouble.

Johnny the Snitch:
You mean Mary, the boxer's wife who was just kidnapped?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Right. You know anything about it?

Johnny the Snitch:
Maybe I do, maybe I don't. [Drebin hands Johnny some money]

Johnny the Snitch:
She's in big trouble. She's being held by Martin's goon, Luca.

Det. Frank Drebin:
What's a goonluca?

Martin:
Kelly!

Det. Frank Drebin:
The name is Detective Frank Drebin, and I'm a boxing fan.

[Frank knocks out a holdup man]

Veronica:
Say, that was nice work. You took a big chance doing that.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well, you take a chance getting up in the morning, crossing the street, or sticking your face in a fan.

[Frank has gone undercover as a stand-up comic]

Det. Frank Drebin:
So the girl had come back from her honeymoon. She was alone, and her parents welcomed her with open arms. They said to her, "Delilah - hat gut gemacht!"

[Audience laughs]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
[reading file] Married, one child. That didn't work out, so he married a grown woman.

Ted Olson, Scientist:
Katie, why don't you run along now. Next week we'll learn why cows look forward to giving milk.

Coroner:
It's a typical four-fifteen.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Four-fifteen?

Coroner:
Yes, the body was found 415 feet from the car.

Dick Clark:
Johnny, some kids on the show yesterday mentioned a new kind of music, ska. You know anything about it?

Johnny the Snitch:
How should I know?

[Dick Clark gives Johnny a dollar bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
Nothing but a modern offshoot of reggae, updated white rock influences, definately upbeat. It'll never become really popular because even though they've made the back beat more conventional, it's still too exotic for mass acceptance.

Dick Clark:
Johnny, I also need some more of that secret formula enternal youth cream you have.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[narrating] When I arrived at the morgue, my boss had already begun to investigate the physical evidence. As was our custom in such cases, we began to talk.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
[getting McBreen out of Frank's way so he can take over his job] You Nicky McBreen?

Nicky McBreen:
Yeah.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
You're under arrest.

Nicky McBreen:
For what?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Reproducing the accounts, pictures or descriptions of a major league baseball game without the express written consent of the commissioner.

Nicky McBreen:
Ok, so I taped a game.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
All right, let's go.

[leads him away]

Nicky McBreen:
I had a few friends over, but I, but I, didn't charge them. All right, a couple of bucks a head.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[telling dumb sister jokes as Tony Dewonderful] She was also dumb, she came in one time with a hot tarr on her hand and she said: "look what I almost stepped in".

Vic:
[to Drebin] I've seen the greatest: Sinatra, Wayne Newton, Carl Yastrzemski, that was the greatest performance I've ever seen in my life.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Cigarette?

Lester the ventriloquist dummy:
Yes, I know.

Ted Olson, Scientist:
[having finally found drugs after completely taking apart a car] It was in the glove compartment.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[as Tony Dewonderful] Where do you live, lady?

Lady in audience:
Right here.

Det. Frank Drebin:
At the table? Where'd you put your car, in the coat room? [drum roll, audience laughs]

Vic:
You got nothing on us!

Capt. Ed Hocken:
[puts on handcuffs] I do now!

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Well Frank, this case is all wrapped up. Veronica Rivers confessed to killing Joey Koldys and we've got her and Vic and the Frenchman on the dope smuggling rap.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Yeah, from now on they'll all be up there together in the Statesville prison.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Yep, along with Martin and Dutch and Lana, Thames and Sally Decker.

Det. Frank Drebin:
And you know Ed, what all this goes to show is that the only real dope is the one who sells it or buys it. [freezeframe as Norberg hits a nail into a column, causing the entire set to collapse during the end credits]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Hey what about me? I'm hot and ready to go.

Vic:
Looks like I got no choice. What's your name?

Det. Frank Drebin:
DeWonderful. Tony DeWonderful.

Ted Olson, Scientist:
So you see, Katy, objects get their shape from the arrangement of their molecules. If you apply force to these molecules their arrangement is altered, the shape of the object is changed. Now, did you bring me your Crying Judy doll?

Katy:
Here she is, Mr. Olson. [she hands the doll over]

Ted Olson, Scientist:
Alright, let's see what happens when we put Crying Judy in the trash compactor.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[as Tony DeWonderful mingling with the audience] Where are you from, sir?

Man #1:
Milwaukee.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Hey! Why that's my home town. [to a woman] Where are you from?

Woman:
Seattle.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Hey! Why that's my home town. [to another man] Where are you from?

Man #2:
Chicago.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Hey! Why that's *your* home town.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Is there a ransom note?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Yes. The butler found it. It was tied to this window and thrown into the rock garden. I sent the note to the lab. They're demanding one million dollars.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Why would the lab demand a million dollars?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[narrating] Ed and I drove around for hours for no particular reason. We came up empty.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Mr. Burton, we have men combing the entire lakefront area. If your daughter is close, we'll find her.

Warner:
The lakefront? My God, do you know how big that area is? My daughter's a needle in a haystack!

Det. Frank Drebin:
That's not true. I've seen a picture of her, she's very attractive.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Maybe a little thin...

Tommy Lasorda:
It's my pitching, Johnny. You think I need another starter?

Johnny the Snitch:
How should I know?

[Lasorda gives Johnny a dollar bribe]

Johnny the Snitch:
The rigors of a full season on a four-man rotation are just too demanding. You need a left-handed swing man to fill your long relief spot. Give him an occasional start and it'll round out your staff nicely.

Tommy Lasorda:
You're talking about a guy like Gossage, aren't you, Johnny?

Johnny the Snitch:
Oh, come on Tommy, use your head! Gossage is right-handed and besides, he can't throw more than two innings! Here's the names of five southpaws with career ERA's under 2.93. And you wouldn't have been in this mess if you hadn't given up Tommy John.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Evening. Is this 808 Garboniforus Road?

Det. Frank Drebin:
[the butler turns Drebin's piece of paper right side up] Maple Street?

Thames:
Yes sir, it is.

Det. Frank Drebin:
I'm from Police Squad, I'd like to see Captain Hocken.

Thames:
[takes Drebin's badge] Of course, Lieutenant, eh... Flebner.

Thames:
[Drebin turns the badge right side up] Eh, Drebin. Do come in.

Ted Olson, Scientist:
Why don't you run along now, Billy, and next week we'll discuss ten things you can do with a carrot.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[holds up a cup] Coffee?

Warner:
Yes, I know.

Det. Frank Drebin:
[searching for a Tuba store next to a filling station] Ed, you find anything?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
No, nothing. Frank, we've been through hundreds of these. [reading from yellow pages] Acme Tuba, Tuba World, Tubas Are Us...

Al:
[Wearing a Tuba City T-shirt] Can you take a phone call, Captain?

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Not now, Al!

Capt. Ed Hocken:
[continues reading] International House of Tubas, Tuba or Not Tuba, Tuba Legation. Ah, we've come to a dead end, Frank.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
[in the middle of a shootout] I'm going over there, Frank, and try to get behind him. Cover me! [Frank throws a couple of blankets over Ed, making him lose all direction]

Det. Frank Drebin:
I was just going over the arraignment report. It looks like the butler Thames will be doing his serving from now on up in the Statesville prison.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Along with Martin, Dutch Gunderson, Lana and Sally Decker. Frank, when will people learn that crime doesn't pay?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well, I suppose if they do learn, we'll be out of a job. [slaps Hocken's knee, they go into freeze frame]

Prisoner:
[a prisoner has gotten loose and is holding the cops at gunpoint] I got the gun now! And I'm gonna kill all of you... one by one. [Frank, oblivious, walks through a door, hitting the prisoner and knocking the gun from his hand; all the cops rush the prisoner and arrest him]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Good job, Frank!

Det. Frank Drebin:
What?

[Mrs. Burton starts crying over a failed ransom call trace]

Det. Frank Drebin:
Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Mrs. Burton, what did he say?

Mrs. Burton:
Just relax. Everything's going to be all right.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
No. The kidnapper.

Mrs. Burton:
He said he'll call us soon for the instructions for the money drop. And if we don't do what he says, he'll kill Terri. [cries on her husband's shoulder]

Mr. Burton:
Lt. Drebin, what do I do?

Det. Frank Drebin:
Well, as I understand it, you're in the textile business.

Mr. Burton:
I mean, I don't want the police involved in this.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Nah, we all got to work together to capture this kidnapper.

Mr. Burton:
I'll pay whatever ransom is necessary to get Terri back.

Det. Frank Drebin:
No, that would be giving into him. These people are emotionally unstable. Got a case like this, similar. Kidnappers cut the victim's ear off and send it to the family.

[Mrs. Burton shrieks in disgust]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
So, you see, you've got to let us help you.

Det. Frank Drebin:
Not the whole ear, of course. Just a peace of it.

[Mrs. Burton half sobs]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
And if this whole thing blows over, we'll return Terri's ear, if she's still alive.

[Mrs. Burton starts sobbing]

Det. Frank Drebin:
She's taking it hard.

Capt. Ed Hocken:
Yeah. We'd better go, Frank. We'll leave Officer Nordberg here. If you need anything, just ask him.

Det. Frank Drebin:
We'll be in touch.

[they start walking out, and approach Nordberg]

Capt. Ed Hocken:
After we go, I want you to nose around.

Det. Frank Drebin:
And keep an eye out for the ear.

Norberg:
Yes, Sir. [goes up to Mrs. Burton who is just beginning to wind down] Don't you worry, Mrs. Burton. When Terri's ear comes, I'll handle it. [Mrs. Burton sobs again]