Ted 2

[from trailer]

Ted:
What's your middle name?

Samantha Jackson:
Leslie.

Ted:
Oh, my god! You're Sam L. Jackson!

John:
That's great! I mean, just like Sam L. Jackson.

Samantha Jackson:
Who is that?

Ted:
You ever seen any movie ever? He's the black guy.

[from trailer]

Samantha Jackson:
All right, I'm going to ask you these test questions. Are you ready?

Ted:
Yup, bring it on.

Samantha Jackson:
Do you consider yourself to be human?

Ted:
Objection!

John:
Sustained!

Samantha Jackson:
You know, the witness can't object.

John:
Overruled.

Ted:
Sidebar.

John:
Guilty!

Ted:
Speculation.

John:
Hearsay!

Ted:
Bailiff.

John:
Briefcase.

Ted:
Disregard.

John:
In my chambers.

Ted:
Stop beavering the witness.

John:
I rest.

Ted:
We could totally be lawyers.

Customer:
Hey.

Ted:
Hello.

Customer:
I have to... I have to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

Ted:
Uhhh... Yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.

Customer:
Yeah, that's right. I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children. Is that correct?

Ted:
Well... I mean they say 'Trix are for kids' in the commercials b...

Customer:
Aha, aha. Now, is that enforced by law?

Ted:
Uh, not to my knowledge. No.

Customer:
So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

Ted:
No. No. You should be fine.

Customer:
You do understand that I myself am not a child?

Ted:
I was able to sniff that out, yeah.

Customer:
Okay, I'm going to bring these back to my apartment.

Ted:
Yeah, yeah. You'll be okay.

Customer:
And... I won't be followed?

Ted:
No, uh... that's not in our budget here.

Customer:
Hey, I won't forget what you've done for me here today.

Ted:
I would prefer that you do. Jesus Christ.

[a library full of semen samples falls over John, spilling everything]

John:
Oh, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted:
We are so sorry!

Female Nurse:
Well I guess it's alright - those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted:
Did you hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

[drenched in semen]

John:
F***! I'm blinking it in! Oh my God, it's in my f***ing mouth!

Ted:
Wait-wait-wait, hang on, I gotta post this on Facebook.

John:
NO!

Ted:
..."hashtag GrrrMondays".

Samantha Jackson:
Do I have "f*** me" eyes?

Ted:
No, you have "Give me the ring, my precious" eyes.

Samantha Jackson:
Alright, I've got 'Dred Scott v. Sandford', 'Plessy v. Ferguson', and 'Brown v. The Board of Education'.

John:
I got 'Kramer vs. Kramer', 'Alien vs. Predator', and 'Freddy vs. Jason'.

Ted:
I got, uh, 'Earnest Goes to Camp', 'Earnest Goes to Jail', and 'The Importance of Being Earnest' which was very disappointing.

Ted:
There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny, only guys with tits.

Ted:
So do you call it Arizona State University or just HPVU?

Ted:
I think it's time to play the Beetlejuice card.

John:
What?

Ted:
I mean saying his name three times so he appears.

John:
Are you f***ing crazy, we don't want that guy running around here!

Ted:
No it's be fine, he'll be on our side! Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetle...

John:
Hey, you are messing with powers you do not understand alright! Cut the sh*t!

John:
We just broke into Tom Brady's house and tried to jerk him off - you're ready to be a parent.

[after crashing their car]

Ted:
I'm real sorry, that barn just came out of nowhere.

John:
[to Tom Brady] You're not a cheater. I mean, I think your balls are perfect.

Comic:
So first, we need a historical event. Who's got an event?

Ted:
9/11!

Comic:
Oh oh, okay. Okay, maybe something else. Uh, let's start with a person.

John:
Robin Williams!

Comic:
Okay, alright. For real, guys, for real. Who's got a person?

Ted:
Robin Williams on 9/11!

Comic:
Alright, we've heard from these guys, uh, let's maybe give somebody else over here a chance. How about a location? Let's go with a location.

Ted:
The offices of Charlie Hebdo!

Comic:
Okay seriously, sir, I just need a location.

John:
Ferguson, Missouri!

Ted:
Germanwings cockpit!

Comic:
Okay, I heard Starbucks!

Ted:
No you didn't!

John:
Nobody said Starbucks.

Comic:
Alright, Starbucks! Okay now, who's in the Starbucks?

Ted:
Bill Cosby!

Joy:
Look at that! You see them two white n*ggers over there?

Ted:
Yeah, what?

Joy:
Look at them! They so happy, because they got that little baby keeping them together. If they didn't have that baby, they'd just be two sad-ass white n*ggers waiting for Downton Abbey to come on.

Frank:
[to Ted in his office] I'm sorry but I'm gonna have to let you go.

Ted:
[Taken aback] What? Why? I've been bursting my ass at this job for three years!

Frank:
I just got a call from the Labor department. I can't legally keep you on as an employee... because I've been informed that you're technically...

Ted:
[Finishing the sentence] Technically not a person. Yeah. Jesus Christ.

Frank:
I'm sorry. But as of today you 're fired.

Judge:
Ms. Jackson please control your client or I will hold you both in contempt of court.

Ted:
Oh piss off! All right? I'm standing up for me, and I 'm standing up for the homos! We deserve respect!

Samantha Jackson:
Ted shut up!

Ted:
Fine! [Ted begins to play angry birds on his iPhone] .

Ted:
[Last lines] Hashtag. Sh*t happens.

Samantha Jackson:
Hi, have any of you guys seen a talking teddy bear, he...

Comic-Con Fan:
[interrupts] Shh! They're about to announce the new Superman.

Film Executive:
The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

John:
F***!

Samantha Jackson:
Ted, do you love your wife?

Shep Wild:
Objection. She's not his wife. The marriage was annulled.

Samantha Jackson:
I'll rephrase. Do you love Tami-Lynn?

Ted:
I love my *wife*. Okay, my wife. More than anything in the world. We're married, I don't care what anybody says.

John:
You piece of sh*t. Killing him at Fenway Park wasn't enough for you, huh? Huh, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO NOW?

Donny:
You don't deserve him, John. You never did. YOU NEVER DID!

John:
I've been wanting to do this for a long time.

Ted:
Aha! I f***ing knew it!

[Ted enters the New York Comic-Con and bumps into Guy, who is dressed as The Tick]

Guy:
Hey, Ted!

Ted:
Guy?

Guy:
I thought that was you. What's happening, man? Hey Rick! It is Ted.

[Rick appears, dressed as Lt. Worf]

Rick:
Hey, how are you doin'?

Ted:
Hey, what's going on?

Guy:
What are you doing here?

Ted:
[sighs] You know, I just feel at home among the outcasts. What are you guys doing here?

Guy:
Well, you know, uh, Rick and I, we just come here as a gag.

Rick:
Yeah. Dress up like we're into this sh*t and f*** with the nerds.

[Guy stops a guest passing by]

Ted:
Hey, spaz. Uh, why don't you go get me some Big League Chew. How about that, huh?

[Guy gives the guest a wedgie. He and Rick laugh as the guest runs away]

Ted:
Ha-ha. All right, well, good luck with your dick, there. [noticing the bulge on Guy's costume before walking away]

Guy:
Right on. You too, man.

[Guy looks at his hands]

Guy:
Goddammit, that underwear had sh*t on it!

[Ted runs away from Donny all over the New York Comic-Con, then he hides among a display of similar teddy bears. Donny sees the display]

Donny:
You know, I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along.

Donny:
[singing] Hands touching hands, reaching out, touching me, touching you, Sweet Caroline...

[Ted suddenly reacts to the song, giving himself away among the teddy bears]

Ted:
Bah, bah, bah!

[Donny lunges at him]

Ted:
F***! Crazy son of a b*tch!

[Ted struggles to escape by punching Donny, but Donny punches back]

Vendor:
Hey! What are you doing to that bear?

Donny:
I'm sorry, I uh,

Vendor:
You better be planning on buying that!

Donny:
He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Vendor:
Yeah, that's great. $40.

Donny:
Okay. I have $40 here.

[Donny gives the vendor his money before walking away with Ted]

[Donny and Jessup leave the Hasbro panel with an unconscious Ted]

Donny:
Come on, there's an empty supply room downstairs.

Tom Jessup:
Is that him?

Donny:
Uh, yeah, there was an issue, so he's unconscious now. This is him.

Tom Jessup:
Jesus! Why did you bring him here?

Donny:
Well, I've been following him around since yesterday. This was the only chance I could get him alone. I had to move fast.

[Guy and Rick appear behind them]

Guy:
Hey, Ted!

[Donny and Jessup turn around]

Guy:
Is that you?

Donny:
Uh, yeah, he had a little too much to drink. He puked a pile of cotton all over this little girl in a, in a stroller, so we're gonna take him back and sober him up.

Guy:
[pointing at them] Ah, rock on, Ted.

Donny:
[pointing back] Eff yeah.

[Donny and Jessup proceed down the hallway]

Rick:
Hey guys, be careful out there. Some nerd spilled his lunch.

[Guy trips a Starfleet Redshirt cosplayer]

Guy:
Hey, watch that floor. Comes up fast, man.

[Guy throws his soda at a black guest wearing glasses]

Guy:
Thirsty, Urkel? [looks at Rick] I f***in' love this place.

Guy:
Hey, check it out. Nerd fight.

[Ted smokes some marijuana using Sam's penis-shaped bong. John pulls out his smartphone and takes a picture]

Ted:
Oh, what the f***? What are you doing?

John:
[texting] Hashtag: My amazing summer.

Ted:
Goddammit, what the hell is wrong with you?

Ted:
Oh, I f***ing owe you, you bastard.

Ted:
What do you mean? I was just messing around.

John:
Oh, shut up and suck that dick.

Ted:
Oh, f*** you.

Frank:
You had sexual intercourse on a pile of raw hamburger meat that we're supposed to sell to the public for their Fourth of July barbecues.

Ted:
I f***ed her with a pack of Freedent. Then I put it back on the shelf and a senior citizen bought it.

Frank:
That took guts. We need guts. I'm naming the store after you.

Ted:
Sh*t. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

John:
Yeah, go ahead.

Ted:
Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE F***?!

John:
Holy sh*t, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!

Ted:
[views John's laptop] There's so much porn!

John:
Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private sh*t?!

Ted:
What are you talking about, "private sh*t"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John:
Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!

Ted:
Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?

John:
Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!

Ted:
You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With D*cks"?!

John:
[breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!

Ted:
There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

John:
Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!

Ted:
Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.

John:
All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that sh*t, please!

Ted:
Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.

John:
Fine. I got it. Done.

Ted:
All right. Now let's get rid of this.

John:
What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.

Ted:
No, no, no, no. That sh*t can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

[they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]

John:
All right, there, you happy?

Ted:
No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.

[he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]

Ted:
Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.

[a library full of sperm samples falls over John, spilling everything]'

John:
F***! F***! F***! F***! Oh, my God! It's in my eyes! I'm blinkin' it in! [to Ted] You gotta f***in' help me! Oh, my God! It's in my f***in' mouth!

Ted:
Hold on. I got to post this on Facebook.

John:
NO!!!

[Ted snaps a photograph of him]

Ted:
[types on his phone] #GrrMondays.

[a nurse walks in]

Nurse:
Oh, my God!

John:
Look, I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry!

Ted:
We swear to God, it was an accident! We're so sorry!

Nurse:
Well, I guess it's all right. Those are the rejected sickle cell samples.

Ted:
Oh, ya hear that, Johnny? You're covered in rejected black guy sperm. You look like a Kardashian.

[Ted and John smoke from a bong with Samantha]

John:
That weed's really good. Reminds me of the strain I smoked last summer called, "Here Comes Autism."

Ted:
Yeah, I was just going to say, it's sort of like this other batch we had called, "How Long Has That Van Been There?"

Samantha:
No, it's this new strain my dealer gave me called, "Help Me Get Home."

John:
Skywalker, Solo, Vader, Kenobi, Palpatine, Calrissian, Balboa, Rambo, Griswold, Stepford, Bickle, Gump, Corleone, Wonka, Lebowski, Venkman, Spengler, Stantz, Rizzo, Zuko, Golighty, Higgins, Dolittle, Poppins, Bond, Blofeld, Blutarsky, Soze, O'Hara, Butler, McFly, Plissken, Ventura, Burgundy, Scissorhands, Drebin, Bueller, Lecter, Dumbledore, Sparrow, Doubtfire, Bourne, Von Trapp, Zoolander, Kirk, Spock, McCoy...

Ted:
Clubber Lang!

John:
F***ING...

Samantha:
Can either of you tell me who wrote The Great Gatsby?

John:
Judy Blume?

Ted:
Hitler?

Samantha:
F. Scott Fitzgerald.

John:
Who's that?

Samantha:
The author.

John:
Well, why are you saying f*** him?

Samantha:
What?

Ted:
You just said, "Eff Scott Fitzgerald". I mean, what would Scott Fitzgerald do to you?

John:
Yeah.

Samantha:
No, that's his first name.

Ted:
[confused] His name's "F*** Scott Fitzgerald"?

Samantha:
What? No!

John:
Well, what does the "F" stand for?

Samantha:
Francis.

Ted:
No, it's got to be "F***".

John:
It must be "F***".

Ted:
It's got to be "F***".

John:
It has to be "F***".

Samantha:
Why the Hell would it be "F***"?

John:
Well, 'cause otherwise, why wouldn't he just say it?

Ted:
Yeah, he's hiding something. It's "F***". It's "F***," it's "F***."

Samantha:
That's completely insane. You guys are idiots.

Ted:
Yeah, well, whatever. Ted Clubber Lang. Get used to it.

Film Executive:
The new Superman is... Jonah Hill!

John:
F***!

Donny:
You know... I really love that Neil Diamond. Especially that song they sing at the, uh, the Red Sox games. It's just so infectious. You just can't help but sing along. [starts singing] Hands, touching hands, reaching out. Touching me, touching you. Sweet Caroline...

Ted:
[suddenly sings out due to temptation] Bah bah bah! --F***! [Donny jumps to grab Ted and starts punching him] Crazy son of a b*tch!

Vendor:
Hey! What are you doin' to that bear?!

Donny:
I'm sorry, I, uh...

Vendor:
You better be planning on buying that!

Donny:
He just reminds me of when I was a kid.

Vendor:
Yeah, that's great. 40 dollars. [Donny goes to grab some cash]

[last lines]

Ted:
[off screen, disgusted] Oh! F*** me!

Tami-Lynn:
What's the matter?

Ted:
That can't be normal! He's gotta be sick!

Tami-Lynn:
He's not sick; it's just baby doodie.

John:
Yeah, that's what babies do, Teddy.

Ted:
Oh, you don't think this diaper's gross?

John:
No.

Ted:
All right, here. Catch. [throws diaper at John, offscreen, and a squish is heard]

John:
[disgusted] OH, TEDDY! WHAT THE F***?! [everyone screams in disgust; Ted laughs] HOLY SH*T! OH, YOU MOTHERF***ER!

Ted:
[takes photo of John, offscreen] [typing] #shithappens.

Ted:
So that's it. I'm property. No rights, no nothing.

John:
Ted, dude, I'm so sorry, man. This completely sucks.

Samantha:
I feel terrible. I let you guys down all over again.

John:
Hey. You didn't let us down, Sam. You did your best. And, look, regardless of all this sh*t, you're still the best thing that's happened to me in a long time.

Ted:
Oh... Oh, that's great. That's f***ing great. I'm glad you guys are so happy!

John:
What?

Ted:
What do you mean, "What?" I'm totally screwed here, and you're sitting there basically banging my lawyer, and she's probably still f***ing billing us!

John:
Don't yell at us, dude. We didn't do anything.

Ted:
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Maybe if you guys had spent a little less time mooning over each other... Sam could've won this thing, and I wouldn't be a f***ing thing, like garbage or a piece of sh*t.

John:
Hey. We've been fighting right alongside you the whole way. And remember, you're the one who's been pushing me to get back on the horse. I finally meet someone, and you're giving me sh*t for it?

Ted:
Oh, no. You're right. No, Johnny, it's fine. You're right, it's fine. It's totally fine. I got no job, no marriage and no life! But you have fun porking Gollum here while I'm left with sh*t.

John:
Ted!

Samantha:
Who's Gollum?

John:
She's a model. Ted, come back.

Ted:
Leave me alone!

Ted:
Sittin' out here in a public, jerkin' off? Where do you think you are, Red Lobster?

[after Ted is fired from the grocery store, realized he is not a person]

Ted:
[reading notes from mail] "Dear Ted, your Chase Bank account has been terminated due to a lack of citizenship." "Dear Ted, your Discover card has been revoked." "Dear Ted, you are no longer a Papa Gino's rewards member." F***, that's a big one.

Tami-Lynn:
[sad; looking at baby's shoes] This poor baby booty. It's always gonna be empty. There's never gonna be a little foot in here.

Ted:
I don't understand. We would have made such great parents.

Tami-Lynn:
[discovers a note] Oh, my god. Oh, my god, Teddy!

Ted:
[takes his reading glasses off] What? What's wrong?

Tami-Lynn:
Look at this. [reads it] "Dear Ted, the state of Massachusetts regrets to inform you that due to an oversight regarding your legal status, your marriage to Tami-Lynn McCafferty is unrecognized by the state, and, therefore, invalid and hereby annulled." Teddy, can they do this to us?

Ted:
[snatches the note] Let me see that. [reads it, and feels shocked at it] This is a nightmare.