The Honeymooners

Ralph:
If any of the Racoons ever get sick, it'll be my responsibility to go and visit them.

Alice:
Oh, that is a very important responsibility, Ralph. You better start now and find out what the visiting hours are at Bellevue.

Ralph:
That did it, Alice - that did it. You have just broken the camel's back with that straw. You have ridiculed my brother Racoons. You have just made fun of something very big that's close to my heart.

Alice:
The only thing big that's close to your heart is your stomach.

Ralph:
I have - I've got an explanation. A perfect one. I'm a dope. Not a run-of-the-mill dope, the world's champ. For years I've been talking for granted the most wonderful thing tht's ever happened to me - you. I've never shown you the appreciation you deserve, Alice. You could walk outta that door right now and I wouldn't blame you. You deserve something better than me. There are a million guys who'd give you anything if they could have a girl like you.

Alice:
Ralph, I don't want a million. There's just one guy I want: you.

Ralph:
Baby, you're the greatest.

[repeated line]

Ralph:
Har har, hardee har har!

[repeated line]

Ralph:
Bang, zoom!

Ralph:
Hamana-hamana-hamana-hamana.

[repeated line]

Ed Norton:
Sheesh. What a grouch.

Ed Norton:
Tough luck, Ralphie-boy.

Ralph:
I've got a [opens mouth wide] BIG MOUTH!

Ed Norton:
Heeey, Ralphie Boy!

[repeated line]

Ralph:
A mere bag of shells.

Ralph:
One of these days... One of these days... POW! Right in the kisser!

Ed Norton:
Well, if I was asked to describe your build, I'd say you have, uh, very well developed muscles, uh, a good bone structure, very good bone structure, fine frame... and the whole thing is covered with fat.

Ralph Kramden:
There's a riot, the two of us hiding our Christmas gifts like we're a couple of kids when we couldn't wait to see 'em till tomorrow.

Ralph Kramden:
You know something, sweetheart? Christmas is... well, it's about the best time of the whole year. When you walk down the streets, even for weeks before Christmas comes, and there's lights hanging up, green ones and red ones, sometimes there's snow and everyone's hustling some place. But they don't hustle around Christmastime like they usually do. You know, they're a little more friendlier... they bump into you, they laugh and they say, "Pardon me. Merry Christmas"... especially when it gets real close to Christmas night. Everybody's walking home, you can hardly hear a sound. Bells are ringin', kids are singing, the snow is coming down. And boy what a pleasure it is to think that you've got some place to go to. And that the place that you're going to, there's somebody in it that you really love. Some one you're nuts about. Merry Christmas.

Ed Norton:
Well, let's face it, Ralph. You're not the easiest guy in the world to shop for, you know? It's pretty tough to get a guy something that, well, a guy that's got everything.

[Ralph's gift from Norton is a pair of spats]

Ralph Kramden:
I know it came from your heart.

Ed Norton:
No, it didn't, it came from the fat man shop.

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] Compared to you, Scrooge was a holiday playboy.

[Ralph shows Norton his present to Alice, a box to keep hairpins in]

Ralph Kramden:
You know, when I bought this thing, the guy told me it's all handmade, you know. It's 2,000 matches glued together.

Ed Norton:
Oh.

Ralph Kramden:
Look at that thing. And he said it was made across the seas. You know, I thought he was kidding me, but right there, it says, "Made in Japan".

Ed Norton:
[looking at it] There it is, in black and white. I'm telling you, this is something that a girl would not go out and buy for herself.

Ralph Kramden:
You can say that again. And another thing about this, the guy told me that this is the only one of these in the whole world, that at one time, this was in the house of the Emperor of Japan. It was smuggled into this country.

Ed Norton:
No kidding!

Ralph Kramden:
I'm telling you, I just can't wait to see the expression on her face when she gets this.

Ed Norton:
I'd like to see the expression on the Emperor of Japan's face when he finds out it's missing!

[Ralph tells Norton that he hid Alice's present under the icebox; Norton goes looking for it and finds the pan underneath]

Ed Norton:
That is beautiful, Ralph. I mean it. You know something else? You know, it was a smart idea of yours to put that underneath there, because in case accidentally if she goes in there and finds it, she'll just think it's a pan for under the icebox. It's novel, too, you know. I mean, she's not gonna get another present from anyone like this. She couldn't.

Ralph Kramden:
No one would have a need for two of those.

[Ralph is taking Alice's new puppy back to the pound]

Ed Norton:
Ralph Kramden, you just lost your membership card to the human race!

Ralph:
Me and my silly pride. I promise you this, Norton, I'm gonna learn. I'm gonna learn from hereon in how to swallow my pride.

Ed Norton:
Well, that ought not to be too hard. You've learned how to swallow everything else.

Ralph:
GET OUT!

Ralph:
What's so funny?

Bill Davis:
I remember the funny joke I wrote in your autograph book. Some kids are small,some kids are tall,but'fatso Kramden'walks.down the hall wall to wall. Ha Ha. That's was something to laugh about,but now we're grown.

Ed Norton:
[responding to Ralph's request that Ed pose as a phony doctor] Don't touch me, Ralph! I'm sterile!

Ed Norton:
[Ralph plans to leave Norton in his will his pair of bowling shoes] You know, I was just going to go out and buy myself a new pair of bowling shoes. This couldn't happen at a better time!

Ed Norton:
[Ralph tries to figure out what to leave Alice in his will] Look, as long as you're going, anyway, why don't you sell your body to science? If they pay by the pound, she'll be left a millionaire!

Ralph:
Why don't you shut up?

Alice:
Ralph, there's only one thing you can do. Only one thing. You just gotta go down there, give them back the $5,000, and tell them the truth.

Ralph:
They don't care about the $5,000. This installment is on the stands now. They'll be laughed out of the business. What are they gonna put in the next installment, "Bus driver won't die from scratching fleas"?

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] You got a very interesting story there, a story of a man doomed to six months to live. Why don't you do like a friend of mine did? He had the hiccups for three weeks, and he sold his story to a magazine. You know, the American Weekly? He got $5,000 for it!

Ralph:
Five thousand dollars for a story about hiccups?

Ed Norton:
Yeah.

Ralph:
I ought to be a cinch to get $10,000 dying. This is a real human interest story. People will want to read about this. Everybody'll read it! I can see it now, the first installment, the title of it: "Doomed Man Has Only Six Months To Go."

Ed Norton:
Uh, I think that's a little lengthy for the title. They'll probably chop it down, make it shorter, like, uh... "In Six Months, Blimp Takes Off."

[last lines]

Ralph:
[screaming at Alice] Did you have to give me blueberry pie?

Dick Gersh:
Tell me, Dr. Norton, what school did you attend?

Ed Norton:
P.S., 31 Oyster Bay.

Dick Gersh:
No, I mean, what medical school?

Ralph:
Oh, uh, he went to Oxford.

Dick Gersh:
Oh, in England.

Ed Norton:
Is that where it is?

Dick Gersh:
You mean you went to school in Oxford and you don't know it's in England?

Ed Norton:
Well, to tell you the truth, sir, it was so foggy over there, I don't know where it was.

Ralph:
[speaking to a recorder an apology to Alice] Hello, Alice. This is me, Ralph. Alice, I'm sorry. I'm miserable without ya. Please come back to me, Alice. I apologize for everything I've said. I even apologize to your mother. I know she doesn't mean the things she says, Alice, it's just her nature. She doesn't mean to be mean, she's just born that way. When she says things about your old boyfriends and about the furniture in the apartment, I know that she doesn't mean to get me mad. She's just naturally mean, that's all. When she spilled the beans about the end of the play, I shouldn't have gotten mad at that, I should've expected it from her. I know how she is. She's never gonna be any different, Alice! She's gonna be the *same old way*, Alice! She's a BLABBERMOUTH, Alice! A BLAAABBERMOOOUUUTH!

Ralph:
[to Alice's mother; shouting] *You* - are a blabbermouth! A blabbermouth! You! Blabbermouth! Out!

Ed Norton:
In the words of the immortal bard, Shakespeare, "There are three times in a man's life when he wants to be alone: one, when he's communing with his thoughts; two, when he's being tender with his wife; and three, when he's in the isolation booth on 'The $64,000 Question'."

Alice Kramden:
I am the only girl in town with an atomic kitchen. This place looks like Yucca Flats after the blast!

Alice:
Boy, you men kill me; you're all alike. You push us around. You want us to bow and scrape at your feet. All you do is yell and scream and give orders. You men just think that you *own* this world!

Ralph:
Yeah, but you women get revenge. You marry us!

Ralph Kramden:
[Thelma the maid has been introduced to the Kramdens, and her appearance is not what Ralph expected] *This* is a maid? I thought maids had short skirts with white hats and black silk stockings.

Alice:
Ralph!

Thelma:
[speaking to the agency manager, indicating Ralph] The chubby one's gonna be trouble.

Ralph:
I'll call her what I used to call her before we were married.

Norton:
What's that?

Ralph:
Little Buttercup. Wait a minute, I didn't call her that; she called *me* that: Little Buttercup.

Norton:
[Norton giggles]

Ralph:
What's so funny?

Norton:
*She* used to call *you* her little buttercup?

Ralph:
Yeah! What's so funny about that, Norton?

Norton:
You were a little cup of butter; now you're a whole tub of lard!

Thelma:
Okay.

Ralph:
[screaming] I told you to stop saying "Okay"! It's "Very good, sir"!

[pointing to Norton and himself]

Ralph:
This happens to be my guest, and I am your employer!

Thelma:
Hmm, some guest and some employer.

[pointing to Norton and Ralph in succession]

Thelma:
The simp and the blimp!

Ralph:
How dare you say that to me!

Thelma:
I quit!

Ralph:
You just decided for me, Alice. You just decided for me! I'm going on "The $64,000 Question". And do you know why? 'Cause I'm an expert in one of their categories: Aggravation!

Alice:
Thelma, what my husband meant was he just wants to explain your duties to you.

Thelma:
Oh, yeah, what I gotta do. And I might as well tell you right now: I can't do no heavy work. I'm sickly.

Ralph:
Sickly? Well, first of all, you'll have to go to the market. Then you'll have to cook, scrub the floors...

Thelma:
I don't scrub no floors!

Alice:
You're so right, Thelma. My husband will be glad to scrub the floors.

Ralph:
Now wait a minute!

Thelma:
You'll scrub the floor!. That's a man's work.

Ralph:
Just a minute. Who's doing the hiring here? All right, Alice, it's all off!

Alice:
Oh, no, Ralph, I'm not giving up my career. So it's either Thelma or you.

Thelma:
And I might as well tell you somethin' else, right now: I get Thursdays and Sundays off, see? My work is through the minute the supper dishes are done. I don't work in no house where they got no pets, so you might as well get rid of one if you got one. If you're gonna have a party, I get time-and-a-half over and the next day off. And, uh, if you're planning on having any late snacks, I don't do no cleaning up the next morning. And this boy looks like he has plenty of late snacks.

Alice Kramden:
Let me tell you something. There's an old, old saying, Ralph: "Man works from sun to sun, but woman's work is never done."

Ralph Kramden:
[snootily] Good gosh!

Alice Kramden:
I'll tell you why woman's work is never done, Ralph. Because she's got the toughest boss in this whole world: a husband!

Ralph:
Don't start that again, Alice. No wife of mine is gonna work. I got my pride. You know, no Kramden woman has ever supported her husband. The Kramden men are the workers in the family.

Alice:
Wait a minute, Ralph. What about your father? For a long time there he didn't work at all.

Ralph:
But neither did my mother. At least he kept his pride, Alice. He went on relief.

[Norton has seen the Kramdens' new maid, Thelma]

Ralph:
What do you think of the maid, Norton?

Norton:
Well, without a doubt, Ralph, you have achieved the height of gracious living. You are one of the 400. In fact, you could be all of the 400.

[Ralph and Norton are talking about the Kramdens' new maid]

Norton:
Is she anything like that maid we saw in that burlesque show? Va-va-voom! You know the maid we saw at the burlesque show? Is she like that?

Ralph:
What maid?

Norton:
You remember, the one that helped Lily St. Cyr into the bathtub full of wine.

Ralph:
Oh no, she's not like that maid. She looks more like the one that installed the bathtub.

[Alice has insulted Ralph again]

Ralph:
Just be a little careful, Alice, a little careful. Remember, the life you save may be your own.

Ralph:
[to Thelma] You can't quit unless I fire you! Remember that!

Alice:
I'll go fix my lipstick. I won't be gone long, Killer. I call you "Killer" 'cause you slay me.

Ralph:
And I'm calling Bellevue 'cause you're nuts!

Bert Wedemeyer:
Well, I'm pretty lucky, too. I have a wife, who every time she gets something for herself, she gives something to me.

Ralph:
Well, I wanna say, Mrs. Weidermeyer, that that's very thoughtful. It's not many wives who want to give their husbands somethin'.

Alice:
Oh, I don't know, Ralph. I've been thinking of giving *you* something. And you may get it real soon!

Rita Wedemeyer:
We have pet names for eath other.

Ralph:
Pet names for each other? Now, isn't that cute. I betcha that was your idea.

Rita Wedemeyer:
Yes, it was. Don't you have certain names you like to call your husband?

Alice:
Oh, I have several I'd love to call him.

Rita Wedemeyer:
All you have to do is pick out your husband's outstanding feature, and find a name that fits.

Alice:
Oh, I see.

[to Ralph]

Alice:
Isn't that a good idea, Tubby?

Rita Wedemeyer:
What a husband you have. He certainly is a treasure.

[Mrs. Weidermeyer leaves the room]

Alice:
A treasure? He keeps this up much longer he's going to be a BURIED treasure.

Trixie:
Whoever said the Age of Chivalry is dead was right. I know the two guys that killed it. Oh, Alice, our campaign has been a complete flop. On the way to the bus they walked twenty feet ahead of us. And they only talked to each other. And if that isn't bad enough, on the bus there are just two empty seats. And who sits in those two empty seats?

Alice:
Ralph.

Ralph:
It just so happens that the Raccoon Lodge is going through a financial crisis. And I'm the treasurer, Alice, I'm responsible. If I don't get some money into that treasury, you know what might happen? The Bensonhurst chapter of the Raccoon Lodge may no longer be. Do you know what that means?

Alice:
Yeah. Real estate values in Bensonhurst will go up a hundred percent.

Ed Norton:
[to Alice, as the Nortons return home via the Kramdens' fire escape] Going home like this reminds me of that old poem I used to love from my childhood: "When he crept out into the stealthy night air, / Little did he realize the fire escape was not there."

Ed Norton:
[seeing a vase full of flowers] Look at these here, Ralph! Boy, they had me fooled. They're real! I mean it. They're almost as good as the artificial ones.

Ed Norton:
[as they do the commercial] Tell me, O Chef of the Future, can it core a... [sic]... apple?

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, it can core a... [sic]... apple.

Ed Norton:
[as he and Ralph do the commercial] If my wife Trixie is looking in, and when I come home, she says, "I told you so," I'm gonna belt her right in the mouth!

[last lines]

Ed Norton:
[shouting during the end of the commercial] And now, back to Charlie Chan!

Ralph Kramden:
We spend $200, we make $2000 and the profit is 1800. We can't lose.

Ed Norton:
Can't lose, huh? That's what you said when you bought the parking lot next to where they were building up the movie house there. You said, "People going to the movies got to have a place to park their car."

Ralph Kramden:
How did I know they were building a drive-in theater?

Ralph Kramden:
Two thousand dollars, Alice! That's big, big, big! This is probably the biggest thing I ever got into.

Alice Kramden:
The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.

Ralph:
Just remember, you can't put you arms around a memory.

Alice:
I can't even put my arms around you.

Ralph Kramden:
Look, Alice, please, it's simple arithmetic. We buy something for ten cents, and we sell it for a dollar! It's that simple.

Alice Kramden:
If it's so simple, Ralph, why didn't the man who had these things in his warehouse sell them and make this big profit?

Ralph Kramden:
Because he thinks small like you do. He thinks he's got to go from door to door to sell these things. That's where my great idea comes in. I go on television and in five minutes, I can sell the whole 2,000 of them. Look, how long do you think it would take that guy to sell 2,000 of these if he went from door to door?

Alice Kramden:
About one minute if this was the first door he knocked on.

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, I'd like to belt you just once!

[Alice points out to Ralph how all of his other schemes have failed]

Ralph Kramden:
Nobody's one hundred percent, Alice.

Alice Kramden:
You are. You've been wrong every time!

Alice Kramden:
[Ralph has been laid off and Alice is talking about getting a job to help make ends meet] I can get a job as a secretary.

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, you can. And who do you think is gonna do the housework around here?

Alice Kramden:
[smiles sweetly] Guess...

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, no! No, sir, Alice. No, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir, sir! No, sir! Not me!

Alice Kramden:
Oh, yes, you are, Ralph! I'm getting a job and you're gonna do the housework!

Alice Kramden:
[Ralph has gone into the bedroom to get Alice's slippers] Oh, Ralph? Ralph!

Ralph Kramden:
[comes out, mildly annoyed] What is it now?

Alice Kramden:
I forgot to tell ya something and it's very important. I told Tony that I lived with my brother. See, he doesn't know that I'm married, so when he gets here, you just say you're my brother.

Ralph Kramden:
[nods in agreement, turns to go into the bedroom, and immediately storms out] *WHAT*? You told him that you were not what and I'm who?

Alice Kramden:
Well, I couldn't very well tell him that I was married. They don't believe in hiring married women; it's an office rule.

Ralph Kramden:
[getting steamed, somewhat incredulous] And also that Frank and Bill and Pete and George, they don't know that you're married, either?

Alice Kramden:
Of course not. See, they figured that if they hired a married woman, she might leave to start a family, or her husband might tell her to quit to something.

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, they're so right! You are quittin'! You are quittin'! And this isn't your brother talkin', this is your husband!

Alice Kramden:
Listen, Ralph, I did not spend that money on clothes and you know it! Besides, how far do you think 62 dollars a week will go?

Ralph Kramden:
Will you shut your big mouth and stop yelling my salary? I don't want the neighbors to know how much I'm makin'!

Alice Kramden:
Sixty-two dollars a week!

[yelling]

Alice Kramden:
Sixty-two dollars a week! SIXTY-TWO DOLLARS A WEEK!

Ralph Kramden:
Will you stop that? I don't want my salary to leak out!

Alice Kramden:
*Your* salary couldn't *drip* out!

Ralph Kramden:
Ooh, you're flirting with death!

Ed Norton:
[asking about Ralph's idea to lay off some of the bus drivers] What's the good word, buddy boy?

Ralph Kramden:
*I* was the first to go.

Ralph Kramden:
[talking about Norton] Somewhere, Alice, somewhere, there's a straitjacket waiting for that man!

[Ralph has been laid off]

Ed Norton:
I know just how you feel because I went through the same thing two or three years ago when they laid me off from the sewer. I felt just like a fish out of water.

Ralph Kramden:
[about the job Alice got] In order to get it, she had to tell the boss that she wasn't married. And on top of everything, she told him that I was her brother!

Ed Norton:
Well, if that's what she had to say to get the job, then that's what she had to say.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't you understand the implications of a thing like that? If the boss knows she's single, he's liable to try to make a date with her!

Ed Norton:
Now, wait a minute, Ralph, that won't necessarily follow through. Take my cousin, for instance. She works. Her boss knows she's single. He don't try to make no date with her. 'Course, she looks like an orangutan.

Norton:
Well anyway, I gotta tell ya I had this headache, I couldn't get rid of it, see, so I went to the Navy doctor. So he examines me and says I have pressure on the brain, he should remove it. So well, I took a lot of kidding from the boys on the ship, you know, 'cause afterwards they said, "What did he do, remove the pressure or the brain?"

Ralph:
Don't ask me, 'cause I know what he removed!

Ralph:
Why should I cut out bowling? It's my only relaxation. Besides, the exercise is good for me to keep down my weight.

Alice:
You don't need anything to keep your weight down. You need something to hold it up.

Ralph:
I was handling that janitor job just perfect. Then that thing had to happen. And it wasn't my fault, Alice, it wasn't my fault.

Alice:
No. No, it wasn't your fault, Ralph. You were just doing an impersonation of two pounds of bologna in a one-pound bag.

Alice:
[Norton had asked Alice for a wrench to fix his pipes] I thought the janitor was gonna fix the pipes.

Norton:
Ah, that janitor fix the pipes. He don't fix nothing. I'm telling ya, I'm getting pretty sick and tired of this, you know. Everybody in the building gets water, except us.

Alice:
I know, Ed, and it's no joke.

Norton:
You tell me it's no joke. Boy, I never thought I'd live to see the day when I'd work eight hours in the sewer and come home and want to see water!

Ralph:
[answering the janitor's phone yet again] Hello? [pause] No, Mrs. Schwartz, this is a HOUSE phone! You can't get Jersey on it! [hangs up]

Mrs. Gibson:
Look, Alice, just because you're married to a horse doesn't mean you have to live in a stable.

Ralph Kramden:
There isn't room in this place for you and me!

Mrs. Gibson:
There isn't room in this place for you and anybody!

Mrs. Gibson:
[sees Ralph's suitcase] What's that, your lunchbox?

Ralph Kramden:
[Alice's mother has been engaging in her typical insult-based banter with Ralph] Oh, you're startin' right in, huh? Startin' right in with the insults! No warmin' up in the bullpen or nothin', huh? Startin' right in! I remember when you used come over, you used to to start slow with a couple of "Hello, Stupids" and stuff like that! Now I don't even get that, anymore, huh? Well, let me tell you somethin', and get this into your head! This is my home, and when you come in here, treat me with respect, and address me with a civil tongue!

Mrs. Gibson:
Oh, why don't you shut up?

[Alice has hung up on Ralph after he calls her to cook a meal for Joe Fensterblau]

Ralph Kramden:
[to Norton] You and I, we're goin' home, we're gonna cook that meal ourselves. When Fensterblau gets there tonight, I'll say that Alice cooked it, but she had an appointment, and she had to leave.

Ed Norton:
That's a good idea. After all, men are the best chefs, aren't they? Oscar of the Waldorf, Pierre of the Ritz, Grace Kelly's father...

Ralph Kramden:
What does Grace Kelly's father got to do with it?

Ed Norton:
He cooked up a pretty sweet dish!

Ed Norton:
[Norton is amused that Ralph had told a newspaper reporter that he is the boss of his house] I'm just tryin' to get a picture of what you're gonna look like in a French Foreign Legion uniform.

Ralph Kramden:
Are you trying to tell me that I'm afraid of Alice?

Ed Norton:
I know you. We're buddies for a good long time, Ralph. I know you pretty good. Now, just take a little advice. Get on a phone and call that newspaper, and tell them to hold the presses, stop the presses, and don't print that statement.

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, no. Not me, Norton. That's the kind of a thing you'd do, but not me. And that's the difference between us, Norton. That's the difference. I am a boss; you are a mouse.

Ed Norton:
Well, I got one more thing to say: I'd rather be a live mouse than a dead boss.

Ralph Kramden:
On the day we were married, I said two things: one, "I do," and two, "I'm the boss."

Alice Kramden:
Now you listen to me, Ralph. My mother is coming here and you're going to be nice to her.

Ralph Kramden:
Be nice to her? That's impossible! We don't get along. We're enemies, natural enemies. Like a boa constrictor and a mongoose. She hates me, Alice!

Alice Kramden:
Ralph, Mother doesn't hate you, that's your imagination.

Ralph Kramden:
My imagination? I suppose it was my imagination the day we were married and she went around telling that joke about me!

Alice Kramden:
What joke?

Ralph Kramden:
You remember, you remember the joke she went around tellin' everyone about me!

Alice Kramden:
No I don't remember, what joke?

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, yes, you do. She ran around the reception tellin' everybody "I'm not losing a daughter, I'm gaining a ton."

Ralph Kramden:
Name one thing that could possibly be worse than my mother-in-law coming.

Ed Norton:
*My* mother-in-law coming! Boy, compared to her coming, the invasion of locusts was a boon to mankind!

Ralph Kramden:
Don't start, Norton. Don't try to compare your mother-in-law with my mother-in-law, 'cause you got a lose. It's no match.

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph about his mother-in-law] I can't even afford to feed her. Boy, can she eat! When she comes to dinner, she clears that table like a hurdler. Gee, and is she fat. From the front, she looks like you from the back!

[Ralph reads to Alice a letter he had written his mother-in-law after he and Alice got married]

Ralph Kramden:
Dear Mom, I just thought I'd write and tell you this. A mother-in-law is the most criticized, the most misunderstood and the most defenseless of all women. The average woman must be clever enough to know when to speak, but a mother-in-law must know when to keep silent. She must be very wise; wise enough sometimes to withhold advice, although she knows the answer to the problem. A mother-in-law must sit on the fence between her own child and the child by marriage, and somehow she must keep a balance. She must lean backwards until her spine aches, or else she is accused of being partial, and she isn't permitted the luxury of hurt feelings or tears. If a person could put themselves in their mother-in-law's place, weigh her in the balance, and be completely fair, they'd nominate her for the Presidency of the United States, and she'd be the first woman to make it.

Ralph Kramden:
Well, let me tell you something, I had some chances, too, you know, before I married you!

Alice Kramden:
Ha ha!

Ralph Kramden:
Don't laugh Alice, there were plenty of girls crazy about me and you know it. Every time I went down to the beach they used to crowd around me.

Alice Kramden:
Sure. Sure, they crowded around you. That didn't mean they were crazy about you. They just wanted to sit in the shade!

Alice:
What am I supposed to tell my mother when you're not here?

Ralph:
I don't care. Tell her I ran off and joined the circus.

Alice:
What as, an elephant?

Ralph:
Oh, you're a riot, Alice. You are a regular riot. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! I'll bet you got the whole building laughing. Ha, ha, ho, ho! You certainly are funny, Alice. You know, you're the one who oughta join a circus. You oughta be in the circus. You'd be funnier than that guy they got there now, Emmett Kelly, the clown. Much funnier. In fact, you look a little bit like him. All except for one thing: the big red nose.

[He raises his fist at Alice]

Ralph:
And you might get that before this is over!

[the Kramdens have received a letter from their mother, saying she is coming for a short visit. Ralph thinks it's his mother-in-law]

Ralph:
[to Alice] Alice, your mother isn't setting one foot in this house. Not one foot or we'll never get rid of her!

Alice:
Ralph, it just said she was just coming for a short visit.

Ralph:
Short visit? Ha! You know what her short visits are. Like the last time she came for a short visit, just for the holidays, Christmas and New Year's. The only trouble is she came New Year's and stayed 'til Christmas!

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] Ain't you even gonna give me a friendly Raccoon good-bye? [wiggles the tail on his coonskin cap] Whoo-ooo!

Ralph Kramden:
I wouldn't "ooh-ooh" you for anything in the world. Never again will I "ooh-ooh" you! You're a traitor and a turncoat, a disgrace to that uniform and the Raccoon Lodge! I should "ooh-ooh" you? [turns to leave, walks a few paces away, then stops and looks at Norton, with a look of guilt] Norton?

Ed Norton:
Yeah?

Ralph Kramden:
[wiggling the tail of his coonskin cap] Ooh-ooh.

Ed Norton:
[overjoyed] Brother Raccoon!

Ralph Kramden:
What are you doing with all this material, making a bed spread?

Alice Kramden:
No, I'm lettin' your pants out again.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't you, uh, think you let 'em out a little too much?

Alice Kramden:
I haven't started yet.

Alice Kramden:
Listen, Ralph, you can scream all you want to, but I want you to get one thing straight: my mother is coming here, and my mother is always welcome in my house.

Ralph Kramden:
Your house? *Your house*? This is *my* house, Alice! M-Y house, my house! MY house!

Alice Kramden:
Oh, I am sorry, Ralph. I forgot, it *is* your house. You really have been very big-hearted, Ralph, sharing it with me, letting me live here with you in the lap of luxury like this. Don't think that I don't appreciate it, Ralph, 'cause I do. After all, where else would I get a beautiful home like this? This place, Ralph, you know what it is? It's a regular Disneyland. [looks out the window] Look, Ralph. Look at this wonderful view that we have from the window. Look, see? Old man Grogan's long underwear hanging on the line, garbage cans in the alley, back of a Chinese restaurant. That's all part of my Disneyland, too, you know, Ralph. That's my... [Ralph groans] That is my Fantasyland. [looks at sink] Now, Ralph, over here, this sink, see? [turns faucet; dishes somehow clatter in sink] Every time I go near that sink, Ralph, I never knows what's gonna happen. You know what the sink is? That's my Adventureland. [points to stove and icebox] That stove and that icebox, that's Frontierland. There's only one thing, Ralph, that's missing from my Disneyland, only one thing: the world of tomorrow. I have *nothing* from the world of tomorrow.

Ralph Kramden:
You want the world of tomorrow, Alice? You want the world of tomorrow? I'll give ya the world of tomorrow! [holds up fist at Alice] You're going to the moon!

Alice Kramden:
Har-har-hardy-har-har.

Ralph Kramden:
What are you doin' with all that material, making a bed spread?

Alice Kramden:
No, I'm lettin' your pants out, again.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't you uh... think you let 'em out, a little too much? [Ralph, showing Alice that she overdone his waistline, on his pants that she's working on]

Alice Kramden:
I haven't started yet.

Ed Norton:
[giving a toast to Stanley at his bachelor party] Here is to you, Brother Saxon. May your life be rosy and bright. If you'll take the advice from an old married man, you will get out of town tonight.

Ed Norton:
I guess Agnes and Stanley are up in Niagara Falls now, huh?

Ralph Kramden:
Yeah? If Stanley's up there, he's up there alone. She's here. Agnes is in the bedroom.

Ed Norton:
Agnes is here?

Ralph Kramden:
They had an argument, a big fight right after the reception.

Ed Norton:
Boy, let me tell you something: I heard of husbands and wives taking separate vacations. This is the first time I ever heard of separate honeymoons.

Ralph Kramden:
They're not on their honeymoon. They had a fight, I'm telling ya.

Agnes Gibson Saxon:
[about Stanley] Oh, he's a beast!

Ralph:
Hooolllddd it! Wait a minute! WAIT A MINUTE! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

Alice:
Nothing, Ralph. Carlos was just teaching us to do the mambo.

Trixie:
Right, Ralph. Carlos was just teaching us to do the mambo.

Ralph:
Ohhhhhhh, Carlos was teaching to do the mambo. Oh ho ho! That puts a different light on everything. For a minute there, when I walked in here, I didn't know what you were doin'. Now I know, Carlos was teaching you the mambo. That makes a world of difference! EVERYBODY OUT! OUT!

Angelina Manicotti:
But, Mr. Kramden, it's fun!

Ralph:
[pointing at her] And YOU, at YOUR age, should be ASHAMED of yourself!

Ralph:
[to Alice] Your mambo days are over! You want to wiggle? Wiggle over to the stove, and get my supper!

Ed Norton:
Now, listen, Ralph, as long as we're neighbors, you don't have to call me Norton. Call me Eduardo!

Ralph:
[to Carlos Sanchez] I want to tell you something. You've got some nerve parading around in front of our wives with the fancy manners. We have to eat cold suppers on account of your teaching them the mambo. Let me tell you something. It's easy for you, you know, to play Sir Galahad. You don't do any work. When you go to work, you *dance*! That's no work! When *we* go to work, we work. *Dirty* work!

[holds up his hands]

Ralph:
Just notice the difference between my hands and your hands. That'll show you the difference in work.

[gestures toward Norton]

Ralph:
The difference between your hands and *my friend's* hands!

Ed Norton:
Now, wait a minute. It's not fair to compare his to mine. I mean, I got mine in the water all day.

Ralph:
Aw, shut up.

Ed Norton:
Hello, Mrs. Kramden. It's nice of you to have us. My, what a beautiful place you have here! By the way - mambo, anyone?

Trixie:
Not now, Ed. [to Alice] He's had me doing the mambo all morning!

Ed Norton:
Pardon me, Mrs. Kramden. Is your spouse on the premises?

Alice:
He's in the bedroom making the bed.

Ed Norton:
Oh, what a gentlemanly thing to do! If you will allow me to take my leave, I will retire to the boudoir and join my bosom companion. [He mambos out of the room]

[Ed has been fired]

Ed Norton:
Ol' Ed Norton, reliable old Ed Norton, working seventeen years in the sewer. And now everything's down the drain!

Ed Norton:
Hey, Ralph, what's the normal temperature, around 98, ain't it?

Ralph Kramden:
98.6.

Ed Norton:
What would you say a bad temperature is?

Ralph Kramden:
Hundred and two, 103. What is it, Norton? What is my temperature?

[Norton becomes shocked as he examines the thermometer; Ralph gets impatient]

Ralph Kramden:
WHAT'S MY TEMPERATURE, NORTON?

Ed Norton:
[crying out] A HUNDRED AND ELEVEN!

Ralph Kramden:
A hundred and eleven?

Ed Norton:
Why'd it have to be you? Prime of life!

Ralph Kramden:
I asked you if you had any leftovers for last night's supper.

Alice Kramden:
Ralph, we're eating at my mother's.

Ralph Kramden:
I told you, I am not going to your mother's, I'm too tired, and I gotta get to bed early.

Alice Kramden:
You'll still get to bed early. We'll go to mother's, eat supper, and come right home.

Ralph Kramden:
Now, you know I'm not that kind of a man. I'm not the kind that eats and runs.

Alice Kramden:
Eats and runs? The way you eat, you're lucky you can walk!

Ralph Kramden:
Oh, if I wasn't tired, would you get yours!

Ralph Kramden:
[looking out the window] Whoa! It certainly looks like rain tonight!

Uncle Leo:
[heartily slapping Ralph on the back] Ralph, it's GOOD to see you!

[Uncle Leo has heartily slapped Ralph on the back a few times, not realizing that he hurt his back; after Leo leaves, Ralph lets out a loud bellow of pain]

Alice Kramden:
[worried] Ralph, what happened?

Ralph Kramden:
Baby, nothing. I was just yawning.

Alice Kramden:
Yawning?

Ralph Kramden:
I'm tired.

Alice Kramden:
Sounded like feeding time at the zoo.

Ed Norton:
[reading from a script, as he helps Ralph rehearse] "I don't possess a mansion, a villa in France, a yacht, or a string of poloponies."

Ralph:
"I'm glad to hear..." [stops and looks up] "String of poloponies"? Where do you see that?

Ed Norton:
[pointing at script] Right there - "a string of poloponies".

Ralph:
That's "a string of polo ponies"!

Ralph:
They want to put on a show and sell tickets and that way, the lodge can get money.

Ed Norton:
Well, now, wait a minute, Ralph. That ain't such a bad idea, you know.

Ralph:
Are you kidding? If the Raccoon Lodge put on a play, the only way they would make money is to let everybody in free and then charge them to get out.

Ralph:
If this lodge doesn't get some money soon, there isn't going to be a lodge. Did you hear what happened yesterday?

Ed Norton:
What?

Ralph:
The Acme Finance Company come in and took out the pool table. Day before that, they come in and took out the television set and the phonograph. And the day before that, they come in and took out the piano. What are we gonna do, Norton?

Ed Norton:
Well, we could hold our meetings at the Acme Finance Company.

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] As long as I'm an executive in that bus company, you are sure of being a bus driver as long as you live.

[Ralph can't get a ring off his finger]

Ralph:
Is there any lard around here?

Alice:
Yeah, about 300 pounds.

Ralph:
Oh, you're gonna get yours!

Ed Norton:
[about Ralph getting Jim McKeever's ring stuck on his finger] That's like King Farouk slipping into Gary Cooper's bathing suit!

Alice:
[looking at a ring Norton has] Hey, that's a very handsome ring. Who's it for?

Ed Norton:
Jim McKeever. He gave me my start in the sewers. My first push, so to speak. We recently appointed him foreman, so I thought it'd be nice to give him a little something.

Trixie Norton:
Ed was all for buying him a pair of suspenders, but I thought a ring would be more suitable for the occasion.

Ed Norton:
Well, I happen to know that Jim McKeever has a weakness for red suspenders.

Alice:
Oh, well, I think Trixie's right, Ed. A man would rather have a ring than suspenders.

Ed Norton:
Not if his pants are always falling down.

[Alice is planning the menu for Ralph's birthday party]

Alice:
On second thought, I better make that coconut cake.

Trixie:
Why? Ralph's crazy about chocolate cake.

Alice:
That's just it. I bought him a new belt for his birthday, and I wanna make sure it fits the day after.

Trixie:
Well, you can always exchange it for a larger size.

Alice:
There is no larger size.

Ed Norton:
Poor little pizza, ain't good for nothin'.

Ed Norton:
If pizzas were manhole covers, the sewer would be a paradise.

[Ralph finally decides to pay the five-dollar rent increase, but not necessarily show any signs of giving in]

Ralph Kramden:
[to Alice] All right, I'm giving up the fight. I'm going in there and I'm gonna pay him the five-dollar increase in rent. But I want you to understand something, Alice. It's not because I want to do it. It's not because I'm afraid of the cold or that I'm hungry or that I'm embarrassed by being out here. Don't think it is that, Alice, 'cause it isn't! You want to know what it is? I'll tell you what it is. And you know what it is as well as... I know... what it is. You know what it is! I'll tell you what it is! [he pauses for a moment, and wags his finger at her] OH, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT IS! [another pause as he finally "gets it"] YOU know that I know how easy YOU get virus! [he storms into the apartment building]

[Ralph says a saying that should help prevent him from getting nervous]

Ralph:
Pins and needles, needles and pins, it's a happy man that grins.

Ralph:
I'm the general. What I say goes.

Alice:
Then you better say "Alice" 'cause I'm going.

Ed Norton:
[upon entering the Kramdens' cold apartment] I hereby claim this territory for the United States in the name of Little America!

Ralph Kramden:
[to Norton] I don't know why a man of your age watches birds.

Ed Norton:
Why shouldn't I watch birds? They watch me, don't they?

Ralph Kramden:
The only bird that watches you, Norton, is a woodpecker.

Ed Norton:
Like we say in the sewer, "time and tide wait for no man".

[Ralph is confident he will inherit $40 million after he starts his own fictional company which Norton is a stockholder in]

Ed Norton:
Thirty-five percent of the 40 million dollars belongs to the stockholders.

Ralph Kramden:
[to Norton] I'm going to become a corporation. Do you know what a corporation is?

Ed Norton:
Yeah, I know what a corporation is. When a person or group of persons duly authorized to sell, distribute shares, become avowed with the intention of the stockholders grouping about together, with those shares, with the intention of selling the shares, comes to an evil interest there.

Ralph Kramden:
[pause] How did you know that?

Ed Norton:
Ever heard of Merrill, Lynch, Pierce, Pierce and Bean?

Ralph Kramden:
Yes.

Ed Norton:
They got an office right outside a downtown sewer I work in.

Ralph Kramden:
Norton, let's face it, I'm a man with big ideas, and sooner or later, one of those ideas is going to catch on. And when they do, I'm going to be a big shot. And do you know what happens to people who become big shots?

Ed Norton:
Yeah, they forget their relatives.

Ralph:
What do you know about fishing? When have you ever caught anything?

Alice:
Fifteen years ago. I caught 300 pounds of blubber.

Ralph:
[to Alice] I catch the fish, you cook the fish. The only time we're together is when we eat the fish.

Ralph:
Now, look, Alice, I've already made up my mind about this, so there's no sense in trying to change my mind. Let's not do any hollering, screaming or yelling. You are not going on the fishing trip.

Alice:
I am going.

Ralph:
You're not going.

Alice:
[getting upset] I *am* going.

Ralph:
[shouting] You're NOT going!

Alice:
[yelling] I *AM* GOING!

Ralph:
The only place you're going is to the moon!

Ralph:
Mr. President, Brother Kramden... Brother *Norton* is a nut!

Ed Norton:
I have the floor; you're out of order.

Ralph:
The only thing out of order here is your head.

Raccoon Lodge President:
There must be plenty of eligible... comp... uh... uh...

Ralph:
Applicants.

Raccoon Lodge President:
Applicants. I'm sorry, sir, I couldn't think of the word.

Ralph Kramden:
Whatever happened to the sweet unspoiled girl I married before? Whatever happened to that girl, Alice? You remember what you said to me before we got married? "Ralph, I'd be happy to live in a tent with you."

Alice Kramden:
I'm still willing. I think it'd be an improvement.

Ralph Kramden:
Do you wanna go to the moon? Do you wanna go to the moon?

Alice Kramden:
That would be an improvement, too.

Ralph Kramden:
We'll flip a coin to see where the television set goes. Give me a coin.

Ed Norton:
[pulls out a coin from his pants pocket and hands it to Ralph]

Ralph Kramden:
Alright. Uh, heads I win, tails you lose. Right?

Ralph Kramden:
[flips the coin]

Ralph Kramden:
Tails, you lose. Now...

Ed Norton:
Wait a minute, wait a minute!

Ralph Kramden:
What's wrong?

Ed Norton:
I hope I don't insult you, Ralph, but would you mind giving me back my coin?

[last lines]

Alice Kramden:
Gotta admit it, Ralph. Once in your life, you were right. We never should've gotten a television set.

Ralph:
[referring to Ed Norton] I've got one thing that he hasn't got.

[pats his right hip]

Ralph:
I've got it here.

Alice:
[placing hands on hips and stomach] You've got it here - and you've got it here - and you've got it here.

Ed Norton:
[returning to television] Official space helmet on, Captain Video!

[Norton recites the Captain Video Ranger pledge]

Norton:
I, Edward Norton, Ranger Third Class in the Captain Video Ranger Academy, do solemnly pledge to obey my mommy and daddy, to be kind to dumb animals and old ladies in and out of space, not to tease my little brothers and sisters and to brush my teeth twice a day and drink milk after every meal.

Ed Norton:
[taking off his Captain Video helmet] Official space helmet off, Captain Video, wherever you are!

Alice:
[complaining about how Ralph is always out at night, leaving Alice alone at home] I'm left here to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls. Well, I don't want to look at that icebox, that stove, that sink and these four walls! I WANNA LOOK AT LIBERACE!

Ralph Kramden:
[explaining the reason he won't buy Alice a TV set] I'm waiting for 3D television, that's the reason.

Alice Kramden:
Are you waiting for 3D refrigerators, too?

Herb Norris:
Now, tell me, sir, what do you do for a living?

Ralph Kramden:
[incredibly nervous; stammers] I brive a dus.

Herb Norris:
You brive a dus?

Ralph Kramden:
I dus a brive.

Herb Norris:
You dus a brive? Oh, I see, you're a bus driver. It that it?

[Ralph mumbles]

Herb Norris:
Well, now, there's nothing to be nervous about Mr. Kramden. Just relax and take it easy, and you'll get along a little better. Now, tell me, sir, are you married?

Ralph Kramden:
Yes.

Herb Norris:
You're married. And what is your wife's name?

Ralph Kramden:
Mrs. Kramden.

Herb Norris:
[audience laughter] Well, that's fine, now... Her first name, I meant.

Ralph Kramden:
Her? Who? Oh, her! Er, Alice.

Herb Norris:
You know, I have a great deal of respect for bus drivers. It's always amazed me how you fellows who have this tremendous responsibility, and the tremendous number of people that you have to deal with, and the big machine, how you manage to remain so courteous and kind and considerate all the time.

Ralph Kramden:
Yes sir.

Herb Norris:
Well, of course, there are exceptions. For example, the other day, I was standing on Madison Avenue in the rain waiting for a bus, and as this bus driver bore down on me, I signaled for him to stop, and you know, instead of stopping, he went right by, went right through a puddle, and splashed mud all over me?

Ralph Kramden:
Was that you?

Herb Norris:
Mr. Kramden, I hope you win some money tonight, because I have a cleaning bill for you.

Ralph:
Yessir, this is the time I'm gonna get my pot of gold.

Alice:
Just go for the gold, you've already got the pot.

Ralph:
For the last time, Alice, I'm telling you, I'm going for the $99,000 question.

Alice:
For the last time, Ralph, I'll be very happy if you win the 600 bucks.

Ralph:
$600? Peanuts, peanuts! What am I gonna do with peanuts?

Alice:
Eat 'em, like any other elephant.

Ralph:
[Talking about his mother-in-law] Why couldn't she have been with Custer when he got in that trouble?

Alice:
Spell "antidisestablishmentarianism".

Ralph:
I'll spell it.

[pauses apprehensively]

Ralph:
I'll spell it!

Alice:
[waiting patiently] Well? Go ahead.

Ralph:
I'll spell it!

[agitated]

Ralph:
I'll spell it when you give me $16,000 for spelling it!

Alice:
[sarcastically] 16,000 for spelling it? I'll give you 32,000 if you can SAY it!

Alice Kramden:
[to Norton] Ed, I realize that I cannot talk to Ralph because he is stubborn and unreasonable, but I've always had great respect for your sense of fair play, and so I appeal to you. IT IS LATE. People would like to go to sleep. I think you should stop playing the piano. And I know that you will agree with me, Ed, because you have always been fair and considerate. You are a reasonable man.

Ralph Kramden:
Don't let her soft-soap you. Don't let her soft-soap you! You're just as unreasonable as I am. Play the piano!

Alice Kramden:
If you touch that piano again, I'll lose all my respect for you!

Ralph Kramden:
[threateningly] Go ahead and *play*, Norton, if you don't wanna lose my friendship!

Ed Norton:
Well, I'm in a spot. If I play, I lose her respect; if I don't play, I lose your friendship. [anguished wail] Why, oh why was I blessed with this musical talent?

Alice:
[to Ralph] Let's say you know all there is to know about popular songs. There's just one thing that you're overlooking, Ralph: You're going on a television show, a big television show. Millions of people are gonna be looking at you, and big money at stake. Why, you're liable to get nervous and forget what you do know. Any person can do that.

Ralph:
Are you kidding? I'm at my best when I'm under pressure.

Alice:
Oh, that's right, I forgot. You're always calm. You have to be, in the kind of work you do. You're a man who "brives a dus".

Ralph:
[to Alice] Let's get something straight right now, right here and now: a man's home is just like a ship. And on this ship, I am the captain. I am the captain of this ship, do you understand that? You are nothing but a lowly, third-class seaman. That's all you are. Your duties are to get the mess, swab the deck and see that the captain feels good. That's all you have to do. Remember, you're nothing a third-class seaman. I'm the captain.

[He notices that Alice is leaving and he stops her]

Ralph:
Where are you going?

Alice:
Seaman Kramden, third class, is retiring to the poop deck until this big wind blows over.

[leaves the room]

[a child sees Ralph in his Raccoon Lodge uniform]

Child:
Gee, I never knew Davy Crockett was so fat!

Alice:
Yelling out the window is bad manners.

Ralph:
Don't you make any nasty remarks about my mother. She's been yelling out the window for 80 years.

Alice:
Yeah? Before she lost her voice, there were more people listening to her than to "Amos 'n' Andy".

Alice:
[to Ralph] That phone is staying here. Everybody but us has a telephone. All you're worried about is the money. Well, you can just stop worrying, because I'll figure out some way to pay for that phone. I'll just, uh, well, I'll cut down on something.

Ralph:
I know what you'll cut down on: my food. That's what you'll cut down on, Alice, my food! We'll have a phone, but I won't have anything to eat!

Alice:
Oh, Ralph.

Ralph:
Don't "Oh, Ralph" me! I'm sick and tired of that "Oh, Ralph"! The bills will get bigger and bigger, and I'll get less to eat. I'll start losing weight. Then you know what I'll look like?

Alice:
Yeah, a human being.

Ralph:
Oh, are you gonna get yours!

[Alice sees Ralph and Norton in the room, preventing her from using the phone; she leaves the room]

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] What was that?

Ralph:
I'll tell you what that is: she wanted to find out if I'm still here. She can't wait to get on that phone and start gabbing with everybody.

Ed Norton:
Of course she won't get on the phone. Don't be silly. She's gonna run up a big bill when you go away or something?

Ed Norton:
[on why Ralph must commit to fighting Harvey] Do you realize they're closing the pool hall in your honor tonight?

Ralph Kramden:
Let's face it, Norton, if I fight that Harvey tonight, tomorrow night they'll be closing the pool hall in my memory!

Ed Norton:
[to Harvey] A pox on you and all your ancestors!

Alice Kramden:
[asking Ralph where he is going, with luggage and a hat] Alright, Ralph, are you going to tell me?

Ralph Kramden:
No, I am not gonna tell you. No, I am not. And just for that, I ain't even going.

[puts his luggage away and takes his hat off]

Ralph Kramden:
There, you satisfied? Now you've ruined the wonderful trip I was going on!

Alice Kramden:
Boy, oh, boy, all I know is, if they ever institute a Nut Of The Month club, I've got a very good idea who's going to be January and February.

Ralph Kramden:
[trying to figure out how he knocked down the tough guy supposed to be Norton's friend] Why would he say, "Hey, fatso, get out of the way"?

Ed Norton:
[staring at Ralph's enormous girth] I don't know, maybe the phrase just fits.

Ralph Kramden:
[to Alice] You don't have to worry about me, I can take care of myself.

Ed Norton:
If you knew how to take care of yourself, you wouldn't have to leave town.

Ralph:
You're a riot, Alice. You're a regular riot. Hope they like those jokes on the moon, 'cause that's where you're goin'.

Ralph Kramden:
[trying to fix a broken vacuum cleaner] That's what it needs, just a little drop of oil. It'll be alright.

Alice Kramden:
A little drop of oil? It wouldn't help if you dipped it in Texas.

Ralph:
You're the type of person that would bend way over to pick up a penny on the sidewalk. I wouldn't.

Alice:
You couldn't.

Ed Norton:
[reading from book about golf] "The golf swing: First, step up, plant your feet firmly on the ground, and address the ball."

Ralph:
Wait a minute. What do they mean by "address the ball"?

Ed Norton:
How should I know? That's what it says here.

Ralph:
Well, read a little further. Maybe it explains it.

Ed Norton:
[reading from the golf book] "I cannot overemphasize the importance of the correct swing."

[to Ralph]

Ed Norton:
In other words, it don't mean a thing if you ain't got that swing!

[demonstrating golf-swing approach and addressing the ball]

Norton:
Step up, plant your feet firmly - hello, ball!

Ralph:
[after Alice has insulted his golf playing] How'd you like to go sailing over the clubhouse, huh, Alice?

Norton:
Well, Ralph, looks like you started the wrong rumor.

Ralph:
What are you talkin' about?

Norton:
First, you should've started the rumor that Mr. Harper knows you're alive.

[Ralph has criticized Norton saying hello to a golf ball]

Ed Norton:
Maybe, it sounds nuts, I don't know! That's what they say in golf, there. They say "Tally-ho!" when they're fox huntin'! What's crazier, saying "Tally-ho" to a fox or saying "Hello" to a golf ball?

[Alice returns home to catch Ralph swaying his hips as he tries to play golf]

Ralph:
Just practicing playing golf.

Alice Kramden:
Oh, is that what it is? I thought it was football, the way your backfield was in motion.

Ralph:
[to Alice] I don't care if you've got any confidence, because I have enough confidence in me for the both of us!

Alice Kramden:
You've got enough *everything* in you for the both of us.

Ralph:
[Alice had just criticized his playing golf] Now I know why people play golf! It's not 'cause they like this game! It's just to get away from their wives! That's why they play!

Ed Norton:
[Alice criticized Ralph's golf-playing] You're getting all tense again.

Ralph:
I'm getting all tense!

Ed Norton:
Listen, relaxation is essential to a good game of golf.

Ralph:
I can't relax! She upsets me!

Ed Norton:
Well, you gotta relax!

Ralph:
Well, I AM relaxed! What do you want me to do, sign an affidavit with a notary republic or somethin'?

Alice:
Ralph, what do you need ten dollars for? What crazy scheme have you got in mind now?

Ralph:
It ain't no crazy scheme. I need the money to rent a costume for the party tomorrow night.

Alice:
Rent a costume? I thought you were going to do what you did last year - wear a torn undershirt, talk out of the side of your mouth and go as Marlon Brando.

[Ralph puts Norton on notice that their friendship is "suspended" for the duration of the costume competition]

Ralph:
From here on in, we are deadly enemies. I don't want to see ya, I don't want to talk to ya, I don't want to have nothing to do with ya. If you see me coming down the street, get on the other side!

Norton:
When you come down the street, there AIN'T no other side!

Ralph:
I need ten dollars to get my costume. I got it all picked out. I'm going as King Henry VIII.

Alice:
Nothing doing, Ralph. I can't spare the ten dollars.

Ralph:
All right, I said I'd be reasonable and I will be. If you can't give me ten, I'll take five. For five dollars, I can go as Billy the Kid.

Alice:
[shakes head] I tell you what I will do: I'll give you a tin can and you can go as Billy the Goat.

[Norton enters the Kramdens' apartment dressed as Pierre Francois de la Brioski]

Norton:
Bonjour, everybody. Happy Charles Boyer to you.

Ralph:
What's the matter? Aren't you up on current events? Don't you read the papers? Don't you read comic books? That's the trouble with you; you don't know the latest developments.

Alice:
I don't know the latest developments? Who is it that lets your pants out every other day?

Ed Norton:
[to Ralph] Look, just don't get upset. You're gettin' all upset now. Let's calm down and look nice when we get down there. There's no sense in getting upset. Now listen, the boys in the sewer, there, when we get upset we got a little motto - a little saying that gives us a little comfort in time of need. Maybe, I can pass it on to you. May I favor you with this little ode? "When the tides of life turn against you, and the current upsets your boat. Don't waste those tears on what might have been, just lay on your back and float."

[Alice and Trixie are wearing the exact same dress]

Ralph Kramden:
Hey, don't those dresses look alike?

Ed Norton:
*Alike*? They're like the Bobbsey Twins!

Martin, the reporter:
Mr. Norton, tell me something. What kind of work do you do?

Ed Norton:
Well, I'm employed by the city.

Martin, the reporter:
I see. A white collar job?

Ed Norton:
No, you could say it's more of a wet collar job. I'm an underground engineer.

Ralph Kramden:
He works in the sewer!

Ed Norton:
That's a layman's way of putting it.

Alice Kramden:
Trixie hasn't had any sleep in three nights. If she doesn't get some rest soon, she's just gonna waste away to nothing.

Ralph Kramden:
She didn't have any sleep in three nights? How about me? I haven't slept in three nights! She'll waste away? Don't you care if I waste away?

Alice Kramden:
Yes, I care, Ralph! But you wouldn't waste away if you stayed awake for nine years.

Ralph Kramden:
How would you like to waste away on the moon?

Ed Norton:
Come back! Come back, little Lulu!

[Ralph and Norton are about to go to bed together when Ralph shows Norton a toothbrush]

Ralph Kramden:
Norton?

Ed Norton:
What?

Ralph Kramden:
Did you use my toothbrush?

Ed Norton:
I dunno.

Ralph Kramden:
What do you mean you don't know?

Ed Norton:
Well, you got a red toothbrush and I got a red toothbrush. They was layin' side by side and I didn't know which was which, so I just went, "Eeeny, meeny, miney, mo."

Ralph Kramden:
[holds up toothbrush] Is this Mo?

Ed Norton:
[looks at toothbrush] Yep, that's Mo all right.

Ralph Kramden:
Well, for your information, Mo happens to be my toothbrush.

Ed Norton:
Oh, I was wonderin' why there was somethin' familiar about Miney.

Ed Norton:
[sleepwalking] Luu-Luu!

Ed Norton:
Hey, Ralph, you want an apple?

Ralph Kramden:
No.

Ed Norton:
How about a banana?

Ralph Kramden:
I don't want any banana.

Ed Norton:
How about a nice kumquat?

Ralph Kramden:
Norton, I don't want any fruit of any kind!

Ed Norton:
Ralph, are you sure you don't want a kumquat?

Ralph Kramden:
[screaming] WILL YOU GO TO SLEEP!

Ralph Kramden:
[in his sleep] Come on, Alice, I'm not snoring!

Ed Norton:
[Ralph has been keeping everyone awake worrying about his taxes, while Alice and Norton try to calm him] Boy, I tell you, I'm surprised at you, Ralph, carrying this way. So what if they're investigating your taxes? What can they do to you? Can they put you up in front of a firing squad?

Ralph Kramden:
[sheepishly] No, they can't.

Ed Norton:
Can they push you over a cliff?

Ralph Kramden:
No, they can't.

Ed Norton:
Can they string you up there on the end of a rope?

Ralph Kramden:
No, I guess they can't...

Ed Norton:
Alright then. Nothing can happen to you. What possibly can happen to you? What are you worried for?

Alice Kramden:
He's right, Ralph. Now come on, let's go to bed.

Ralph Kramden:
[softly; shaking Norton's hand] Thanks, pal.

Ed Norton:
[patting Ralph on the back] All right. Now, just go in there, and get a good night's sleep.

[Ralph and Alice go into the bedroom. But Norton then calls after Ralph]

Ed Norton:
The worst thing they could possibly do to you is send you to the federal pen!

Ralph Kramden:
[storming out of the bedroom, arms flailing wildly] What are you starting with that stuff for?

[Norton is trying to tell Ralph what to do when he goes to the IRS]

Ed Norton:
When you get down there tomorrow, I got the idea: stand on the 18th Amendment.

Ralph Kramden:
Are you nuts or somethin'? Stand on the 18th Amendment? You mean stand on the Fifth Amendment. The 18th Amendment was for prohibition.

Ed Norton:
Well, that's just what I mean. Tell 'em you were drunk when you made out your taxes!

Ralph:
Norton, I'm gonna count to five. And when I get to five, you better be out that door. Now I'm gonna count.

Norton:
I'm not scared of you. If you could count, they wouldn't be investigating your taxes.

[Ralph receives a letter from the I.R.S]

Ralph:
Don't you realize how serious this is? They're investigating me!

Alice:
Ralph, being investigated is not the end of the world. You are not the first person who was ever investigated.

Norton:
You're darn right! The jails are full of them!

[Ralph and Norton go to the IRS and see Richard Puder]

Richard Puder:
Which one of you men is Mr. Kramden?

Norton:
He's Kramden, I'm clean.

Ed Norton:
[Norton gets caught raiding Ralph's icebox] Dum-dee-dum-dum. All I hope is when they do my life on "Dragnet", they leave my name out to protect the innocent.

Ralph Kramden:
You put that turkey back, or they'll being doing your life on "Medic"!

Ralph Kramden:
Pretty sneaky, the gas company, to send me a bill on the back of a postcard.

Ed Norton:
Oh, boy, that ain't the worst of it. Now, everybody in the building knows what you're paying for your gas bill.

Ralph Kramden:
What are you talkin' about?

Ed Norton:
Mrs. Schwartz, that blabbermouth, she looks at all the postcards and then yakety-yak-yaks all over the building.

Ralph Kramden:
You're kiddin'.

Ed Norton:
I'm not kiddin'. I know how much your gas bill is: 93 cents.

Ralph Kramden:
[looks at bill] That's right.

Ed Norton:
See? Oh, by the way, Ralph, congratulations on that 93-cent gas bill. Mrs. Schwartz told me that you broke the all-time low gas bill record set by the Collyer brothers in 1931.

Ralph Kramden:
Penalty for failing to report income: All persons are required under this title to pay an estimated tax, or tax. All are required by this title or by regulations made under authority thereof to make a return other than a return required under authority of section 6015 or section 6016, keep any records or supply any information and who willfully fails to pay such estimated tax, or tax, make such returns, keep such records, or supply such information.

Ed Norton:
Boy, Ralph, it sounds like you are in trouble.

Ralph Kramden:
Trouble? I don't even know what I'm talking about!

Norton:
Ralph?

Ralph:
What?

Norton:
Mind if I smoke?

Ralph:
I don't care if you burn.

Ralph:
Wouldn't it be much easier, if you bought a new watch?

Norton:
No, why? Nothin' wrong with my watch. All it needs is a new mainspring. I just gotta find a guy to fix it. I think I'll write a letter to Walt Disney tonight.

Norton:
Well, we're gonna have a lot of laughs at this convention with wives along. I have a feeling that I may replace you as poster boy during National Nut Week. Will you tell me one thing, please? How do you get us into these fixes?

Ralph:
Very simple. Very simple, Norton. I HAVE A BIG MOUTH!

Norton:
[to Ralph on how he adjusted his watch by looking out the window] I set my watch by the Chinese restaurant. It opens at 5PM every day.

[Ralph stares]

Norton:
You don't believe me, do you? I can tell by the way you're looking at me that you don't believe me. I can tell you the time, all night long just by that Chinese restaurant. For instance, they start cooking the egg foo yung at 5:26. The first whiffs of that reach my apartment window upstairs at about, oh, 5:28. And they reach your window at 5:27 and 56 seconds. It's a known fact that the aroma of egg foo yung rises at the rate of 320 feet per second. Now, moo goo gai pan, which is of a heavier consistency, travels upwards at a slower rate. They start making that at about 5:37. Sometimes, somebody comes in, orders the family dinner, then I'm completely thrown. I don't know what time it is.

Ed Norton:
What are you doing there, Ralphie Boy?

Ralph:
I'm making a list of all my weak points.

Ed Norton:
Oh. Is that all the paper you're going to use?

[Ralph is surprised to learn that Alice wants to go roller-skating and he doesn't exactly like that idea]

Ralph:
Let's face it, Alice, we've been out of the age range of roller-skating since Alf Landon stopped being presidential timber.

Ralph:
[after an argument with Alice on being young] She's right, Norton. She's right. There's nothing wrong with somebody wanting to stay young. It's my fault. Well, I'm telling you right now, Norton, I'm changing.

Ed Norton:
What are you gonna do?

Ralph:
I'm gonna start taking her to dances and roller-skating. I'm gonna learn all the new dances: the Big Apple, Suzie Q, the Continental, Hesitation Waltz, all of that. And I'm gonna learn all the expressions, too, like "Bo-do-dee-oh-do", "23 skidoo", and "I'll kiss you later, I'm eating a potato", all that stuff, I'm gonna learn. [Norton laughs] What's so funny?

Ed Norton:
Bo-dee-do-do, 23 skidoo, I'll kiss you later, I'm eating a potato! [laughs again]

Ralph:
What's wrong with those expressions?

Ed Norton:
Boy, oh, boy, how can anyone so round be so square?

Judy:
...a real termite!... strictly out of the wood!

Ralph:
[to Norton] Hey, what does "icky" mean?

Ed Norton:
I don't know, why?

Ralph:
Alice just said I was icky.

Ed Norton:
Must mean "fat".

Peanuts that's peanuts, what am I going to do with peanuts

Eat'm like any other elephant

At the hotel room, I filled a paper bag with water and 1,2,3 let ‘er ride!! What happened? I almost drowned. The window was closed

FROM ALICE- "THERE WOULD BE NO CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WITHOUT HIS MOTHER"...