Search results for 'love' Page #953

[Film Noir game, set in gas station]

Colin Mochrie:
[voiceover] He had the kind of face only a mother could love. If that mother was blind in one eye and had that sort of milky film over the other one. You know? You know what I mean? But still, he was my identical twin. It had taken me eight years to track him down to this gas station.

[speaking]

Colin Mochrie:
Jed? It's me, Phil.

Ryan Stiles:
[speaking] I recognize the voice.

[voiceover]

Ryan Stiles:
As I was looking right up his dress, I knew who it was.

[gets up, speaking]

Ryan Stiles:
Long time, no see.

Colin Mochrie:
[voiceover] Yeah. Last time I saw him, he tried to murder me. But when you kill someone by chopping off their head, rolling them up in a carpet, and burning it, you'd better make sure they're dead.

Ryan Stiles:
[speaking] What brings you by?

Colin Mochrie:
[speaking] I came by for my part of the inheritance. Nice gas station you opened up.

Ryan Stiles:
[speaking] Thanks.

[voiceover]

Ryan Stiles:
Apparently he'd forgotten why he was kicked out of town in the first place. The sheriff caught him giving his wife a lube job in late November. I wasn't going to bring it up again, I knew it was a touchy subject for him.

[speaking]

Ryan Stiles:
Haven't seen you since the lube job.

Colin Mochrie:
[speaking] Hey! Come on! What the hell? Never mention that again!

[final lines]

Mike Alvarez:
I love you, f***in' shit bag.

Jim Davis:
I love you too. I'm gonna miss you, brother. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Mike Alvarez:
Everything's gonna be okay.

Jim Davis:
Yeah. Yeah. I know.

[final scene:
B.A. is driving Murdock, Hannibal and Face into a cell, menacingly waiving a nightstick at them, as a retribution for flying him to Rivertown]

Face:
Now wait a minute, wait a minute, remember your oath as a deputy not to hurt other deputies?

"B.A." Baracus:
[pointing to the table] I see three badges on the table. That mean you are civilians. I still got my badge. And as official law officer of Rivertown, I'm giving you guys two days in jail.

[B.A. locks the cell, takes the key from the lock and hits the bars with the nightstick, making Face and Murdock recoil]

"B.A." Baracus:
I love it... when a plan comes together!

[B.A. smiles triumphantly]

[Final scene:
The timer dings and Betty is, at long last, ready to kill and prepare Timmy]

Betty:
My goodness, you really did keep the best one for last, didn't you?

Timmy:
No, no. I've saved the really, really best story for now.

Betty:
Well, you should've told me the really, really best story before, 'cause now it's too late.

[Betty rolls the preparation cart towards Timmy's cell]

Timmy:
But it's the really best one of all because there's a happy ending, a really happy ending.

[Timmy drops the book]

Betty:
No other stories in that book have a happy ending.

Timmy:
But you gotta hear this story. It's about this kid, and his name is Timmy.

Betty:
That's nice, dear.

Timmy:
And you see, Timmy's older brother, he had this stupid paper route. And one day, Timmy's older brother got sick. Timmy had to go on collecting, and Timmy went to this one house. And this lady who answered the door, she said, "Come on in," so when he went inside, she tricked him and threw him into a pantry. She made him eat cookies all day long, 'cause she wanted him to get fat, 'cause she was gonna kill him, and cook him, and eat him!

Betty:
This is YOUR story, and you can stop telling it now because we both know how it comes out.

Timmy:
But you don't, 'cause something really weird happens.

Betty:
Oh, really?

Timmy:
Yeah.

Timmy:
[pulling out a handful of marbles from his pocket] Uh, you see, Timmy had these marbles in his pocket. They were shiny and slippery, and when he threw them on the floor...

Timmy:
[tossing the marbles on the floor]... she didn't see where they went and she slipped.

[Betty slips on the marbles and falls backside on the skewers, stabbing herself in the back; Betty screams in pain as she drops the keys whilst on the rolling prep table , rolling toward the oven]

Timmy:
Timmy saw his chance to escape...

[Betty, with the skewers in her back, arises from the table in pain]

Timmy:
...if he could just reach the keys!

[Timmy grabs the keys, frees himself, then shoves Betty onto the huge pan and sends her into her own oven to roast alive]

Betty:
[screaming] Aaaaahhh! AAAAAHHH!

[Timmy helps himself to a Shoprite Chips-A-Lot cookie]

Timmy:
[breaks the fourth wall] Don't you just love happy endings?

[Final scene; Toni and Sharon prepared a celebratory dinner of hamburgers and kelp salad for the Central L.A. team. Sergeants Aikens & Getraer and Ponch serve themselves]

Sgt. Aikens:
Well, J. Rodney Cameron has some very influential friends. Probably spend three years inside. You know, the one who arrested the guy?

Sgt. Joseph Getraer:
Yeah. But when we left him, he wasn't singing, but he was humming.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Hey Aikens, why don't try the salad? It's delicious.

Sgt. Aikens:
What is it, Kelp?

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Yeah.

Sgt. Aikens:
Oh, yeah, I love it.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Figures.

[Ponch sits down with Jon, Jed, Bear, Grossie, and Bonnie]

Officer Bonnie Clark:
Sergeant, what's gonna happen to those two guys that sunk the boat?

Sgt. Aikens:
They belong to the Feds. We don't need them.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
[eats his burger] Hey Sharon, these burgers are super. Did you make 'em?

Sharon:
No, they're Toni's invention.

Officer Francis Llewellyn 'Ponch' Poncherello:
Great, Toni. How did get that flavor?

Toni:
Oh, it's a combination of things. Mostly seaweed and shark meat.

[the camera freezes on Jon and Ponch, completely shocked]

Toni:
[jokes; Sharon smiles] Kidding, Ponch. Just kidding.

[Bonnie laughs, Jed chuckles, and Ponch & Jon smirks with Bear smiling in the background. The camera then freezes on Sgts. Aikens and Getraer, both smiling]

Officer Arthur Grossman:
[mumbles] It's good.

[Jon laughs. The camera freezes back on Ponch & Jon with Bear in the background, then fades to black]

[final words of series]

Dominic Sandbrook:
The 70s had made Britain a far more tolerant and open-minded country, but also one that had fallen in love with money. Margaret Thatcher was astute enough to understand this, and that meant she reaped the political rewards. Of course nobody in 1979 thought that Margaret Thatcher would still be there eleven years later. And today we remember her as the prime minister who changed everything, for good or ill. But the reason she got there in the first place was that, more than any other politician of the day, she realised just how much Britain had changed already. She was taking over a country that was more ambitious, more affluent and more outgoing than it had been at the beginning of the 70s. And yet one that was also more anxious, more insecure and more individualistic. Now she didn't create all this - she inherited it. From sex and shopping to Europe and education - this was the great watershed in our modern history. And four decades on, we *still* live in the world the 70s made.

[final words to Jack, on a cassette recording that she has left for him to find]

Sandy Williams:
I don't think you can love unless you put your love before your work. I was prepared to do that for you. But would you have done it for me?

[finding incriminating evidence]

Alexx Woods:
Horatio's going to LOVE this.

[first lines of each episode]

Narrator:
Out of the night comes a man who saves lives at the risk of his own. Once a circus performer, an aerialist who refused the net. Once a cat burglar, a master among jewel thieves. And now, a professional bodyguard. Primitive, savage, in love with danger. The Cat.

[first lines of series]

Himself - Host:
Good evening. If all of us who live in this country and love it and admire its beauty would stop really to look at it, we'd see what we are doing to it.

[first lines, Henry has just been rescued by the Flying Dutchman after attempting to drown himself to gain his father's attention. He sees a shadowy figure approach]

Henry:
Father?

Will Turner:
Henry. What have you done?

Henry:
I said I'd find you.

Will Turner:
Look at me son.

[half of Will's face and body are covered in barnacles]

Henry:
I don't care.

Will Turner:
There's no place for you on the Dutchman. [the Dutchman's crew can be heard in the background] They know you're here. Get home to your mother.

Henry:
No!

Will Turner:
Leave now. Before it's too late.

Henry:
I won't. I'll never stop. And if you throw me over, I'll come straight back.

Will Turner:
Don't you see I'm cursed to this ship?

Henry:
That's why I'm here. I think I know a way to break your curse. To free you from the Dutchman.

Will Turner:
Henry, no.

Henry:
I've read about a treasure. A treasure that holds all the power of the sea. The Trident of Poseidon can break your curse.

Will Turner:
[kneels down to hug Henry] Henry, the trident can never be found.

Henry:
I found you.

Henry Turner:
It's just a tale.

Henry:
Like the tales of you and Captain Jack Sparrow? He will help me find the trident.

Will Turner:
[Angry retort] You stay away from Jack! Leave the sea forever. You have to stop acting like a...

Henry:
A pirate? I won't stop. I want you to come home.

Will Turner:
[the Dutchman starts sinking back into the sea] Henry. I'm sorry. My curse will never be broken. [takes off his necklace] This is my fate. [places the necklace in Henry's hands] You must let me go. [reaches out to gently touch Henry's face] I love you, son.

[the Dutchman sinks fully into the sea, forcing Henry to swim to the surface and reboard his rowboat]

Henry:
[while lying inside his rowboat] Captain Jack Sparrow.

[First lines; The movie begins with a familiar beam of light shines down. The beam of light descends onto a stage. Lightning flashes to reveal Prince Charming riding his valiant steed Chauncey across the open plains. The wind blows back his golden mane]

Prince Charming:
Onward, Chauncey! To the highest room of the tallest tower, where my princess awaits rescue from her handsome Prince Charming!

[Lightning cracks. Thunder booms. Charming straddles a wooden hobby horse and gallops in place. A stage hand uses a bellow to blow air into Prince Charming's face. Another stage hand turns a crank that creates the moving background. In the orchestra, a man uses coconuts to create the sound effects of a galloping horse. Two more stage hands back stage create the cheap sound effects of thunder and lightning. A crudely constructed castle tower sits in front of a cheaply painted backdrop. The Fairytale Creatures are sitting at a table in the audience]

Gingerbread Man:
This is worse than "Love Letters". I hate dinner theater!

Pinocchio:
Me, too. [his nose grows]

Prince Charming:
[rides to the base of the tower] Whoa there, Chauncey! [dismounts and sets his hobby horse on the ground, and strikes a dramatic pose]

Actress:
[as the princess, leaning from the tower window] Hark! The brave Prince Charming approacheth.

Prince Charming:
[puffing his chest out] Fear not, fair maiden. I shall slay the monster that guards you, then take my place as rightful king.

[An old couple at a table look confused]

Old Lady:
[to the old man] What did she say?

[Prince Charming glares as the bored audience largely ignores him. A man in a bad ogre costume comes onto the stage. The whole crowd erupts into applause]

Gingerbread Man:
Yeah! It's Shrek!

Little Pigs & Pinocchio:
Whoo, Shrek, yeah!

Prince Charming:
[ignoring the cheers, pulls out his sword, and confronts the Shrek-like beast] Prepare, foul beast, to enter into a world of pain with which you are not familiar!

Waiter:
[singing while carrying a birthday cake] Happy birthday to thee / Happy birthday to thee

Prince Charming:
Do you mind?! [hops out of the way when a chair lands on stage. It slides past him and bumps into the tower facade]

Gingerbread Man:
Do you mind?! Boring!

[The audience laugh]

Prince Charming:
[glares at them, then rises to recover, and points his sword at the monster again. The tower facade starts to topple] Prepare, foul beast... [looks over his shoulder and sees the facade falling. He cringes. The scenery slams against the stage, but Prince Charming is unharmed, perfectly framed in the princesses' window. The crowd laughs at the embarrassed Prince Charming. He shakes his mangled sword at the audience] Someday, you'll be sorry.

Heckler:
[off-screen] We already are!

[They laugh again. Prince Charming throws down his sword, picks up his hobby horse, and exits]

Ogre Mascot:
Grr!

[The song and the laughter follow Prince Charming backstage. Prince Charming walks through a tunnel backstage that leads to a door. The door has a star with his name written on it. He opens it. Prince Charming sits at his broken vanity and sobs. His make-shift dressing room is in an alley way next to the theater. Horses whinny as a carriage passes by. The castle of Far Far Away can be seen on the hill in the background. Prince Charming breaks down and cries. He looks up and sees a picture of the Fairy Godmother taped to the vanity. "Don't stop believing! Mommy's Little Angel" is written on the picture]

Prince Charming:
[heavy sobs] Mommy... [weeps again and then looks back at the picture. A determined change grows across his face] You're right. I can't let this happen. I CAN'T! [looks at the castle on the hill. He stands up, faces the castle, and holds his chin up high] I am the rightful King of Far Far Away. And I promise you this, Mother, I will restore dignity to my throne! [a big gust of wind blows a newspaper page across his face. He peels it off and looks at the headline. His eyes tense and narrow. In the newspaper is a picture of Shrek and Fiona waving to the crowd] And this time, no one will stand in my way. [crumples up the newspaper in his fists]

[First lines; The movie begins with we see the city's locations and Harold, Iggy and Lorenzo are playing baseball before Willie drives with his ice cream truck; A kid is giving money to Willie, having his ice cream and Willie reads the newspaper; Harold throws a baseball to Park; Park strikes out and the woman is at the window looks up to a baseball while putting clothes in the basket; we see Brainy and Harvey are at the market; Sid and Stinky are splashing water; the construction workers look up at the helicopter with a black wrecking ball; as the wrecking ball hits the apartments and pouring liquid on the family photo]

Gerald Johanssen:
I'm telling you, Arnold, your ball is flat.

Arnold:
It's not flat. It's just a little low on air. [The ball pops and deflates]

Gerald Johanssen:
Like I said, your ball is flat. Hey, I still can't believe we let those fifth graders beat us.

Arnold:
Well, the important thing is we tried our best.

Gerald Johanssen:
The important thing is we got our buns whooped.

Arnold:
Come on Gerald, we had fun. And we almost beat 'em.

Gerald Johanssen:
Why do you do that Arnold? Why do you always have to look on the bright side?

Arnold:
Somebody has to. [Arnold and Gerald notice FTi helicopters, and a crowd of citizens] Mr. Green, what's going on?

Mr. Green:
It's Scheck. He wants to buy up the whole neighborhood so he can knock it down and put up a fancy mall.

Arnold:
Who's Scheck? [The crowd is watching TV]

Reporter:
[on TV] The plan, which was approved by the mayor just moments ago, would allow Future Tech Industries to redevelop a six-square-block area between 33rd and 39th Streets. Oh, I understand the president and CEO of Future Tech Industries, Mr. Scheck, is about to make a statement.

Mr. Scheck:
[on TV; To the mayor] Thank you. I just want to say I'm delighted at the mayor's support of our renewal plan.

Gerald Johanssen:
Nice suit.

[A man with a white mustache shushes him]

Mayor Dixie:
[on TV] I am behind Mr. Scheck's project one hundred percent. [camera flashes]

Mr. Scheck:
[on TV] Although some of you in the affected area may have concerns about how this plan will impact your homes and businesses, let me assure you; change is good. This plan represents the end of urban decay, the end of your broken-down shops and apartment buildings, the end of antiquated and dilapidated storefronts. It's time for a new world. Out with the old, in with the new.

Arnold:
What's wrong with old things? Some old things are great.

Harold Berman:
Yeah, like Mrs. Vitello.

Mrs. Vitello:
[hits Harold over the head with flowers] Whippersnapper.

Harold Berman:
Ow!

Mr. Green:
This has been goin' on for months. The city council recommended against it, but the mayor's lettin' him do it anyway. I never figured he could pull it off.

Gerald Johanssen:
What does it mean?

Mr. Green:
It means they want us to sell out, move away so this Scheck character and his big corporation can move in.

Crowd:
No!

Harold Berman:
No way!

Mr. Scheck:
[on TV] It's time to put the past behind us. I have seen the future, and it's Future Tech Industries.

Phoebe Heyerdahl:
But this is our neighborhood!

Rhonda Lloyd:
They can't just tear it down.

Eugene Horowitz:
[singing] This is our neighborhood! / How can they tear it down!? / How can they turn our smile into a frown!? / We may be just a few, but if me and you and you. [Arnold switches off the stereo]

Arnold:
Stop! Stop singing, Eugene. This is serious. [A truck carrying a bulldozer is speeding down the street]

Crowd:
Oh, my gosh.

Mr. Green:
We can't take this lying down. We should do something!

Harold Berman:
Yeah, but what can we do?

Arnold:
We can refuse to sell our houses.

Gerald Johanssen:
Well, I'll sign a petition!

Arnold:
Yeah. Let everybody know this is our neighborhood and we're not giving it up without a fight!

Helga Pataki:
[watching from a roof] Hah! Arnold! What an annoying little goody two-shoes. What a dopey little dreamer. What a corny little cornball. Always going around trying to get everyone to look on the bright side and do the right thing. How I despise him. And yet... I love him! I love him! I love his unerring sense of right and wrong. I love his unfailing insistence on the needs of the many over the needs of the few. But most of all I love the way his hair smells when I get real close behind him and he doesn't know I'm there, but then he turns and looks at me funny and I scowl at him and make an excuse for being so close, and then I insult him just to cover up the secret, adoring feelings for which I have so long and painfully harbored. Oh, Arnold!

Arnold:
Mr. Green can write the petition.

Mr. Green:
Say no more, Arnold. I'm already working on it.

Helga Pataki:
If only I could find the guts to tell you. If only I weren't such a coward. If only I had your strength.

Arnold:
We'll take it around the neighborhood and get everybody to sign it.

Helga Pataki:
But what if you lose? What if the neighborhood is torn down, and you have to move away, and we are separated, and we never see each other again, and I never, ever seize the chance to tell you how I really feel about you? Oh, Arnold, how I love you.

[Brainy appears from a chimney, dressed up as a chimney sweep. Helga smacks him]

[first lines]

Cinderella:
[narrating] Do you remember the story of a girl who lived a life of cinders, and how she found true love because she kept a beautiful dream in her heart? Of course it helped that she had mouse friends who could sew and a Fairy Godmother who could do wonders with pumpkins. Well, that girl is me.

[First lines]

Ice harvesters: [singing as they cut blocks of ice from a lake] Born of cold and winter air And mountain rain combining, This icy force, both foul and fair, Has a frozen heart worth mining. So cut through the heart, cold and clear, Strike for love and strike for fear, See the beauty, sharp and sheer. Split the ice apart! And break the frozen heart.

[First lines]

Jim Dear:
[giving Darling a hatbox] It's for you, Darling. Merry Christmas.

Darling:
Oh, Jim Dear. It's the one I was admiring, isn't it? Trimmed with ribbons?

Jim Dear:
Well, it has a ribbon, huh?

[The box is opened; inside is a young cocker spaniel]

Darling:
Oh, how sweet!

Jim Dear:
You like her, darling?

Darling:
Oh, I love her. What a perfectly beautiful little lady.

[first lines]

Peter Parker / Spider-Man [narrating]:
Alright, let's do this one last time. My name is Peter Parker. I was bitten by a radioactive spider, And for ten years, I've been the one and only Spider-Man. I’m pretty sure you know the rest.

Ben Parker:
With great power, comes great responsibility.

Peter Parker [narrating]:
I saved a bunch of people, fell in love, saved the city, and then I saved the city again, and again and again, and again. And I did, uh... I did this. [cuts to Peter doing the infamous dance from Spider-Man 3, except this time in his Spider-Man outfit] We don’t really talk about this. Look, I'm a comic book, I'm a cereal, did a Christmas album. I have an excellent theme song.

TV show:
Spider-Man, Spider-Man...

Peter Parker [narrating]:
And a... a so-so popsicle. I mean, I've looked worse. But after everything, I still love being Spider-Man. I mean, who wouldn't? So no matter how many hits I take, I always find a way to come back. Because the only thing standing between this city and oblivion is me. There's only one Spider-Man, and you're looking at him.

[First lines]

Skipper:
OK. Wind her up, boys! It's Monte Carlo or bust. Struts.

Kowalski:
Check.

Skipper:
Flaps.

Kowalski:
Check.

Skipper:
Diamonds and gold.

Kowalski:
Check.

Skipper:
We'll be back from our gambling spree in a couple weeks.

All:
Bye!

Skipper:
Or whenever the gold runs out.

Marty:
Buh-bye!

Melman:
Good-bye.

Alex:
All right! We'll be waiting for you!

Skipper:
Just kidding! We're never coming back!

Alex:
Sorry! What was that?

Skipper:
Initiate warp drive.

Alex:
Did they just say they were never coming back? Guys? Marty?

Marty:
Oh, goody, you're here! Why don't you just chew on this? I'm hungry.

Melman:
Ow, I'm just messing with you. I lost all feeling in this thing years ago. [Laughs, snoring]

Alex:
Melman, why do you look like that?

Gloria:
Well, look who's talking.

Alex:
Gloria? Why are you guys so... elderly?

Gloria:
Now, when was the last time you looked in the mirror?

Alex:
What? No!

Marty:
Wake up! Wake up, Ally-Al! Wake up!

Alex:
Marty! Marty, it was horrible.

Marty:
That same nightmare again, huh?

Alex:
We were stuck here in Africa, and we were all super-old and wrinkly... Well, I aged well, but the rest of you looked terrible!

Marty:
Relax, Alex. 'Cause I got a surprise for you!

Alex:
Is it the penguins? :Have they come to take us home?

Marty:
Nope. But it's the next best thing.

Alex:
Another day bites the dust.

Marty:
Come on, now! Watch it. Watch yourself. Small divots! Sorry, little incline there. Back up this hill. A low-hanging branch, then just over this bluff and voila! Happy birthday, pal!

Alex:
Whoa. Wow! New York City.

Gloria and Melman:
Surprise!

Alex:
Gloria! You're the Statue of Liberty!

Gloria:
Bring me your huddled masses, baby!

Alex:
And, Melman, you're the Brooklyn Bridge!

Melman:
Actually, I'm the Triborough Bridge.

Alex:
Wow! You guys made this?

Marty:
Yeah. From memory! From crazy, obsessive memory.

Alex:
Hey! Fifth Avenue... with no traffic! There's Times Square, with its modern-day corporate lack of character. Nine Duane Reades on the same street! And the zoo. Wow, our home. Look! There's a little me. And little all of us-es!

Kids:
Alex! Alex! Alex!

Alex:
Roar!

Marty:
Oh, no!

Alex:
You guys. You've both made and ruined my day.

Gloria:
Make a wish, sweetheart.

[Alex blows out the candle]

King Julien':
Ta-da! Your wish has come true!

Mort:
Oh, yay! My tummy is speaking to me!

Alex:
Oh, gross!

King Julien:
I wouldn't eat that side of the cake if I were you.

Gloria:
Alex, what was your wish?

Alex:
I wished we could go home. I mean, don't get me wrong. I love this. But it's not the real thing.

Marty:
That's because it's a mud model, Alex. It's not actually New York. I hope that was clear.

Alex:
What are we doing? Here we are relying on the penguins to come back for us. But... we should just go to Monte Carlo and get them.

Melman:
How do a lion, a zebra, a giraffe and a hippo walk into a casino in Monte Carlo?

Marty:
I don't know. Ask the rabbi!

Melman:
Hey, I'm serious.

Alex:
Come on! We can do it! We can do anything! It's us!

Marty:
We're us!

Alex:
Yeah, that's right. We've gone halfway around the world! Compared with that, Monte Carlo's just a hop, skip and a swim away!

Melman:
Yeah.

Alex:
To home.

Marty:
Home!

Melman:
Home.

Gloria:
Home.

King Julien':
Cheeseburger.

Alex:
Tell you what, bet those penguins will be glad to see us.

Marty:
Yeah, they're probably bored out of their minds!

Skipper:
[Having a pillow fight with the other penguins] You all pillow fight like little girls! [Rico hits Skipper hard with a pillow, feathers fly out] Chimichanga! These pillows are filled with baby birds!

[first lines]

Swofford:
[voice-over] A story. A man fires a rifle for many years. And he goes to war. And afterward, he turns the rifle in at the Armory, and he believes he's finished with the rifle. But no matter what else he might do with his hands-- love a woman, build a house, change his son's diaper-- his hands remember the rifle.

Drill Instructor Fitch:
You are no longer black, or brown, or yellow, or red! You are now Green! You are Light Green or Dark Green! Do you understand?!

Recruits:
[loudly] SIR, YES, SIR!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Swofford.

Swofford:
Sir, yes, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
You the maggot whose father served in Vietnam?

Swofford:
Sir, yes, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Outstanding! Did he have the balls to die there?

Swofford:
Sir, no, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Too fucking bad! Did he ever talk about it?

Swofford:
Sir, only once, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Good! Then he wasn't lying! [angrily] Are you eyeballing me with those baby blues? ARE YOU?!

Swofford:
Sir, no, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Are you in love with me, Swofford?

Swofford:
Sir, no, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Oh, you don't think I look good in my uniform, Swofford?

Swofford:
Sir, the Drill Sergeant looks fabulous in his uniform, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Oh, so you're gay then, and you love me, huh?

Swofford:
Sir, I'm not gay, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Do you have a girlfriend, Swofford?

Swofford:
Sir, yes, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Guess again, motherfucker! Jody's banging her right now. Get on your face and give me 25 for every time she gets fucked this month. Down on your face!

Swofford:
[voice-over while doing 25 push-ups] It was shortly after meeting Drill Instructor Fitch that I realized that joining the Marine Corps might have been a bad decision.

Drill Instructor Fitch:
[angrily] What in the fuck is this?

[scene cuts out to later in Swofford's training; he and Fitch are standing in front of a chalkboard with a diagram labeled "FOOTLOCKER CONTENTS", drawn by Swofford.]

Swofford:
Sir, it's the recruit's drawing of a footlocker, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Jesus, Joseph, and doggy-style Mary! That is a pile of dogshit!

Swofford:
Sir, the recruit's never been good at drawing, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Why the fuck are you my scribe, then?! Isn't my scribe supposed to know how to draw?!

Swofford:
Sir, the recruit doesn't know; the recruit thought the scribe was supposed to write, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
[strangles Swofford, and Swofford drops to his knees] 'Course the recruit doesn't know! The recruit doesn't know because I haven't told him! [slapping Swofford's head repeatedly] All right, cum-for-brains, show me exactly...

Swofford:
Sir--

Drill Instructor Fitch:
...where your Skivvies and running shoes go!

Swofford:
Sir, the recruit can't think while the Drill Instructor is hitting him on his head, sir!

Drill Instructor Fitch:
You can't think while I'm giving you a few love taps?! How the fuck are you going to fire your rifle when grenades are going off in your face?! What the fuck are you even doing here?!

Swofford:
[bellowing in rage] SIR, I GOT LOST ON THE WAY TO COLLEGE, SIR!

[Drill Instructor Fitch furiously grabs Swofford's head and bangs it on the chalkboard. He is knocked unconscious as a result to this impact.]

Drill Instructor Fitch:
Insolent child--for a joke like you, you ain't nothing but a fraud. [to the other recruits] Take him away and dump him back into school--he's going to start his life all over again. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Two of the recruits:
Sir, yes, sir.

[Two of the recruits advance on Swofford, grab him by the arms, and show him out the door as the movie freeze-frames, and Don't Worry, Be Happy by Bobby McFerrin plays.]

Swofford:
So now, my hands... were dick-skinners. A flashlight was a moon-beam. A pen was an ink stick. My mouth was a cum receptacle. A bed was a rack. A wall was a bulkhead. A shirt was a blouse. A tie was still a tie, and a belt a belt. But many other things would never be the same.

[first lines]

Aaron Aaronson:
We've here today with local Venice Beach children's author, Joe Peterson, who has exploded onto the scene with what is going to be a series of nine tough-love kids books. Hello Joe...

Joe Peterson:
Hey, how are you.

Aaron Aaronson:
Look at these kids. This is incredible. So what can you tell us about this tough-love aspect. It reminds me of the books that I read when I was a kid. No Coddling. This is not a warm and fuzzy book. It's not every day that you have a warm cuddly kitten devoured by a vicious piranha.

Joe Peterson:
That's true, um, I think that the parents respond to the moral lesson. You know, if you don't listen to your parents, something bad will happen. And I think the kids really respond to the violence, ya know. I think that kids really like violence. Who likes violence, here?

Gathered Children:
[all cheer]

[first lines]

Adam Stein:
I had once the beautiful Father Land. The oak tree grew so high there. Silence nodded softly. It was a dream. It kissed me in German. It spoke in German. You would hardly believe how good it sounded. The words, Ich liebe dich, I love you. It *was* a dream...

[first lines]

Adam:
Oh, I LOVE history class! Someone is always leaving me a little piece of gum stuck under my desk.

[first lines]

Alice:
[interrupting kiss] I'm going back to work.

Devereaux:
[takes her place at the table]

Mason:
Don't worry, I checked her out.

Devereaux:
Scenario: Agent falls in love with girl. Agent runs an op. Girl gets kidnapped. The other guys want to know the agent's source. What does he do? What do they do to the girl, hmm?

Mason:
Is there a point to this?

Devereaux:
Yeah, over your right shoulder.

Mason:
[seeing another agent] Us or them?

Devereaux:
How the f*** should I know? Does it really matter? You feel the need for a relationship? Get a dog.

[first lines]

Alvin:
Instead of traveling by bicycle, I might have been a Greek shipping millionaire.

Billy:
Tha's not even Greek.

Truly:
He could lie! I mean if, if people saw him dancing and breaking a few plates he might get away with it.

Alvin:
I'm speaking hypothetically.

Billy:
That's Greek for a start.

Alvin:
Assuming I was born Greek.

Clegg:
Uh, did your mother know you were Greek? I mean, as far as I know she never went farther than Bridlington.

Truly:
Well, maybe he could be a Bridlington shipping millionaire.

Alvin:
It's not the same, is it? I'm talking oil tankers and love affairs with opera singers.

Billy:
Have you seen the size of opera singers! Tha'd need the bicycle just to give her a cuddle.