Last of the Summer Wine

[the boys are climbing a hill that provides a spectacular view of the surrounding countryside]

Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst:
Every time I come up here, the spirit soars! You can't help thinking what a wonderful place it would be to set up a machine gun! Give me a small squad of hand-picked men and I could defend this place indefinitely!

Norman Clegg:
How long have you been a nature lover, Foggy?

[Foggy is trying to get Howard in shape by leaping small walls]

Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst:
It's people like you who make this country so rich in idiots.

[repeated line:
to Glenda, when she asks a naive question]

Edie Pegden:
Drink your coffee.

[final line of the last-ever episode]

Norman Clegg:
Have I locked the door?

[Compo has just hugged Nora Batty]

Compo:
Doesn't tha feel anything?

Nora Batty:
[puzzled] Like what?

Compo:
Attraction. Physical attraction.

Nora Batty:
Nora, tell me. What does tha see?

[Compo parades in front of Nora]

Nora Batty:
I see you've got another hole in them trousers.

Howard:
I bet they think we're up to something.

Marina:
The thought does cross your mind.

Howard:
I want you to know. I'd never do anything to compromise your reputation.

Marina:
Not on a bicycle. I can see that.

Ivy:
You *do* realise you'll be representing your country.

Sid:
No problem.

Ivy:
We haven't been at war with France for ages. I suppose it had to end some time.

Nora Batty:
[angily] What are *you* doing, peering round corners?

Compo:
Sssssh. Not so loud. There's a man assaulting a woman.

Nora Batty:
[terrified] Where? Do something about it!

Compo:
I can't.

Nora Batty:
Why ever not?

Compo:
[cheekily] He's not started yet!

[Compo tries to grope Nora]

Ros:
I was always saved from something serious by my tendency to giggle.

Marina:
I must warn you - I'm only available for the next twenty-four hours.

[Nora Batty gives Compo a clip round the ear]

Compo:
[indignantly] What was that for?

Nora Batty:
That's before you start.

Compo:
Eh, you're a bit touchy this morning.

Compo:
[cheekily] Why don't you take a day off?

Nora Batty:
[icily] Why don't you take one on.

[Compo has just died]

Truly:
Are we going to see him?

Norman Clegg:
I can see him, fooling about, hands in his pockets, dragging his wellies.

Truly:
Are we going to see him before they close the lid.

Norman Clegg:
Oh, I'm not so sure about that.

Truly:
You'll be sorry. Besides, how often do you get to see something for nothing these days?

[at Compo's funeral, as "The Last Post" plays in the background, Clegg releases a pigeon called Gladys, with a harmonica strapped to its wings, in memory of Compo]

Norman Clegg:
Mind how you go, Gladys. Best of luck from all us pigeons.

Auntie Wainwright:
You don't think I've *always* been a grasping old woman.

[talking about Howard]

Pearl:
He's in search of the silent bicycle. It's when they're quiet you know they're up to something.

Edie Pegden:
Wesley! Get yerself in here!

Ivy:
Anyway, you're allowed to be stupid at seventeen.

Pearl:
You were never seventeen. You were forty when you were born.

Howard:
[paranoid] I must have enemies.

Pearl:
[ominously] There's me, for a start.

Entwistle:
Do you know what I like about this? Very little.

[Wally can't pronounce the letter R]

Wally Batty:
I'm wready. Yes, I'm wready.

Smiler:
There was anger. I've got more personality now.

Alvin:
I keep acting like someone who's trying to hide a woman in the house.

Billy Hardcastle:
I only joined to do Robin Hood.

Howard:
[to Marina] I'd love us to stop and just explore more.

Ivy:
You can't just go digging in like a lunatic with that screwdriver.

Sid:
Well pass me something sharper - like your tongue!

Compo:
[plaintively] I've neglected her.

Norman Clegg:
Sounds reasonable to me. If *I* had Nora Batty, *I'd* neglect her too.

Marina:
Are you sure it's safe, Howard?

Howard:
I wouldn't bring you anywhere where you weren't safe, love.

Marina:
Well, you needn't go as far as that.

Compo:
Norm, does tha think me magnetism could be slipping?

Norman Clegg:
Don't ask me. I was a total failure at romance.

Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst:
But you were married.

Norman Clegg:
That's what did it!

Blamire:
Now you wait here. It's not only me City and Guilds, it's the social chasm between us.

Compo:
Hey, shurrup! Give us a fag and I'll give you a sniff of me socks!

Compo:
It's just an ordinary dart.

Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst:
It's not an ordinary dart. It's very far from being an ordinary dart. I've prepared it with something to make the creature sleep. Don't worry - I've seen the natives do this in the jungle.

Norman Clegg:
Yeah, but they've got poisons growing in the jungle. What have you got?

Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst:
The trained soldier learns to make do with whatever's available. You have to use whatever comes to hand.

Compo:
All right. What is it tha soaks the darts in that's gonna put it to sleep.

Walter "Foggy" Dewhurst:
Well, if you must know, it's Horlicks.

Compo:
Why d'you think it is they won't let me go?

Truly:
You've *been* shot at. Now it's somebody else's turn.

Compo:
It's because they're ashamed of me. Because I'm scruffy.

Norman Clegg:
I wouldn't say "scruffy". Would you say "scruffy"?

Truly:
Yes, I'd say "scruffy".

Norman Clegg:
Life's easier when the light of passion goes out.

Compo:
When did yours go out?

Norman Clegg:
Oh, I must have been all of twenty-three.

[Ivy sends Compo, Clegg, and Foggy out of the caf?. Sid calls after them]

Sid:
It's all right for you lot - she just throws you out. Me, she keeps!

[first lines]

Smiler:
Can I use your phone?

Auntie:
Do you have to ask? Of course you can use the phone.

[last lines]

Billy:
He won't beat me next time, the big gob! He's not past cheating, if you take your eyes off him.

Truly:
This man must be ready for a pint.

Billy:
Do I hear two?

Clegg:
It's his legs. You can't fill legs like that.

Boy:
[polishing his scooter] Any time, Mr Hardcastle.

[Billy snarls at him]

Auntie:
Looks expensive.

Tom:
We haven't seen it yet.

Auntie:
I just have this premonition. A shiver runs through me. It's just as if someone's walked over your purse.

[first lines]

Clegg:
Sorry, Howard. I've moved to Chesterfield.

Barry:
Actually, it turns out I bought a chaise longue, for people of a romantic disposition.

Edie:
A chaise longue? Well, you can take it back.

Roz:
Oh, I think that's romantic.

Edie:
I thought you went for jewellery.

Barry:
Well, I did. I *went* for jewellery, but Auntie was selling a chaise longue.

[last lines]

Glenda:
[sees Barry in Marina's arms] Barry.

Barry:
It's all right. I think we got rid of the sofa.

Glenda:
Aoow. [she starts to cry]

[first lines]

Mrs. Avery:
Isn't that a bit old-fashioned?

Nora Batty:
The old ways are sometimes the best. Rug-beating is one of the older types of therapy. It's what housewives had to make do with before nervous breakdowns were invented.

Billy Hardcastle:
I don't do knitting by choice. Just Lincoln green tights. The wife flatly refuses, and you can't buy 'em. You ask for Lincoln green, they look at you as if you're thick.

Truly:
I can understand that.

Billy Hardcastle:
That's just what the wife says.

Clegg:
I can understand that.

Billy Hardcastle:
Well, must be off. If you weren't really strong willed around here, people would talk you out of being stupid.

Smiler:
Do you lot play golf?

Entwhistle:
We invented it.

Tom:
I thought that was a Scotsman.

Entwhistle:
No way! We're not taking the blame for inventing Scotsmen.

[last lines]

Tom:
I can't believe Smiler knew a barmaid. Even one that squeaked.

Smiler:
She was from Newcastle.

Billy:
Oh well then, that explains it.

Truly:
And what's all this about carrying the wife over the threshold?

Clegg:
You can see where second marriages get more difficult.

Truly:
I got a little too much to drink at the reception. I believe it was the former Mrs Truelove who carried me.

[first lines]

Blamire:
What a splendid day it's been.

Clegg:
We've covered some ground.

Compo:
I'm shagged!

Blamire:
Listen to him. We expose him to the wonders of nature, and that's his response. Pure poetry.

Compo:
It's me red-'ot.

Blamire:
Do yourself up then, and keep it in the shade.

Compo:
Aw, me zip's got stuck a bit. There's nowt showing.

Blamire:
I get this terrible dream that he'll start streaking.

Clegg:
I wonder why the Lord made us with spouts like a kettle. I mean why not a small drain plug, for instance, in both feet?

[first lines]

Auntie:
Hem, ahem.

Billy Hardcastle:
My, it's a right bow, is that. I'll bet tha could really overcharge for a bow like that.

Auntie:
Make me an offer.

Billy Hardcastle:
Ah, if I do I'm dead. The wife wants a new table lamp.

Auntie:
Well, that's amazing! Funnily enough, this bow comes complete with a *free* table lamp.

Billy Hardcastle:
That is amazing. Think I'm being sucked in here.

Auntie:
Belonged to a champion archer, won all the competitions.

Billy Hardcastle:
Accurate, is it?

Auntie:
Accurate! Huh. He used to post his letters with it from his bedroom window. And they lived three hundred yards from the nearest postbox.

Billy Hardcastle:
Wrapped 'em round his arrows, did he?

Auntie:
Ah, well, *they* were stamped with his own address; the postman delivered them back.

Billy Hardcastle:
Crafty! So how come he sold this amazing bow?

Auntie:
Arthritis. In his elbow. Affected his aim. Shot a traffic warden and had to flee from all the messages of congratulation.

Billy Hardcastle:
Is it a good free table lamp? The wife wants summat different.

Auntie:
Well, the difference is you'll have your bow.

Billy Hardcastle:
Tha can't argue with sound logic.

[last lines]

Clegg:
[to Howard] Anyone for tennis?

Auntie Wainwright:
[Knocks at the customer's house] Aboutthat clock you were interested in...

Customer:
I've told you I'm not going to buy it. I don't like that sort of clock.

Auntie Wainwright:
Well what about the other clock?

Customer:
What other clock?

Auntie Wainwright:
The one on that woman I saw you with who was not your wife.

Customer:
[steps out of house and closes door behind him] How did you... Alright what time do you close

Auntie Wainwright:
Never

Customer:
I'll be round at six to pick it up [goes back into house]

Smiler:
How did you know about the, er, other woman?

Auntie Wainwright:
I didn't. But there is usually something they feel guilty about.

[first lines]

Clegg:
You're looking very thoughtful, Truly. You look like a man who's thinking about life and death and what it's all about.

Truly:
Well, actually, I was thinking about how much I used to like a kipper for my breakfast. But they tend to repeat.

Clegg:
There you are, you see. Ha-ha. Why do kippers repeat? It's one of your fundamental philosophical problems.

Truly:
What did Bertrand Russell say about it?

Clegg:
Well, he mixed with the left, as you know, so naturally he blamed the Americans.

Truly:
Did you ever have kipper for breakfast?

Clegg:
Yes, I did, once. Huh. It was on honeymoon; we were at a hotel. I thought: "Why not? Everything else is weird."

Truly:
I used to have a digestive system like an incinerator; I could consume anything. Well, you had to in the police; I mean you grabbed a meal when you could. First week in the vice squad you lost your appetite. Huh. But after that I could digest concrete, Which was just as well as that was what the former Mrs Truelove did best.

[last lines]

Florrie:
[to Truly] Herbert, I'm very sorry to have to tell you, but you've just been replaced in my affections by a Mr. Riley, who does his *own* housekeeping.

[last lines]

Howard:
I'm so sorry we got interrupted and didn't get lunch.

Marina:
Not to worry, Howard. I've got two apples.

Pearl:
She's decided they need a day out, they need a change.

Roz:
*She's* decided. They're probably quite happy.

Pearl:
Quite likely. Oh, it'll be Nora's idea. And when Nora Batty wants to do you a kindness, you'll get a kindness done whether you like it or not.

Roz:
She's merciless.

Roz:
Where are we supposed to be going to on this errand of mercy?

Pearl:
Some old couple out on the moors somewhere. I find it easier to go along than it is to argue.

Roz:
Oh, me too, and you've no idea of the trouble it got me into.

[first lines]

[Pearl is hoovering while Howard reads a book]

Pearl:
'Scuse me, is there anybody home? This is your captain speaking. We're approaching some turbulence. [turns off the hoover] The house is on fire.

Howard:
Ah, that's nice.

Pearl:
I'm leaving you, Howard; I've had a better offer. It's not a very good offer, but it's better than the one I've got. [grabs the novel from Howard] What is it with you and this book?

Howard:
It's terrific. He's so heroic.

Pearl:
Right up your street.

Howard:
The Adventures of El Lobo - the Wolf; the Smiling Bandit and his struggles against the oppressors of his people.

Pearl:
But can he clean a good window?

Howard:
He could have been me if I'd been born in South America. You can't do that kind of stuff round here. I bet they'd laugh if you wore a sombrero.

[Pearl looks Howard over and laughs]

Clegg:
Don't think I'm being nosy, uh, just because I'm being nosy, but how come you've got a name like Entwhistle?

Entwhistle:
I changed my name, didn't I. From MacIntyre; I was forever being mistaken for a Scot.

Truly:
What are you then?

Entwhistle:
I'm a Yorkshireman, what else?

Clegg:
So where does all this ancient eastern wisdom come from, then?

Entwhistle:
Hull. I was born in Hull. As far east as you can get; any further you're in the Humber.

[last lines]

Marina:
I thought El Lobo was the smiling bandito.

Alvin Smedley:
We could take a shortcut.

Billy Hardcastle:
What shortcut? There's the road we came on and that's all. Trust me. This is my backyard, tha knows: outlaw country.

Alvin Smedley:
You could get lost in a phone booth.

Billy Hardcastle:
You know me, I laugh at danger! And this looks hilarious.

Smiler:
[about the cost of his car] I keep hearing it guzzling petrol. I wouldn't mind, but it smacks its lips.

[first lines]

Glenda:
Barry, how long have you had a twitch?

Barry:
It's terrific, a real mean twitch.

Glenda:
There must be some underlying cause, such as guilt. Or depression. Oh, Barry, I've made you so miserable you've been unfaithful to me.

Barry:
Never! You're looking at the world's most faithful twitch.

Glenda:
How long have you had it?

Barry:
Since they gave me the part. It's a terrific part. I'm this stone-faced killer, a real psycho.

Glenda:
Barry, you shouldn't be a psycho. You should be someone who mends broken toys for sick children, or rescues old ladies. I wouldn't have let you join that drama group if I thought they were going to make you a psycho.

Barry:
But it's a terrific part; it's the best part. I love it.

[last lines]

Clegg:
Oh, Barry. [laughing] My hero.

[first lines]

Alvin:
"And how's your mother keeping?" she asked. And their Bet says, "She's keeping away, and you can't ask for more than that."

Ivy:
[peering round corner after Alvin and the woman] Who's that?

Nora:
It's him from next door.

Ivy:
Not him! Who's she?

Nora:
Ooh, I've no idea.

Ivy:
Oh, don't say that; you'll never be able to sleep.

Nora:
It's no business of mine who he's with!

Ivy:
I know that! But how are you going to find out?

Nora:
I'll ask him. I don't believe in being sneaky.

Ivy:
Oh? What about his right to privacy?

Nora:
I don't believe in that much either.

[last lines]

Truly:
Ah, narrow squeak there, Howard. The eagle eye of Nora Batty.

Howard:
Uh, it could have been worse. There's one eye even eagler. [sees Pearl coming out of the pub, and shoves Marina to Truly] She's with him!

Truly:
Right.

[first lines]

Alvin:
[riding a bicycle with a sidecar] Hop on. Your carriage awaits.

Nora Batty:
I don't accept lifts from strangers.

Alvin:
Strangers! I live next door.

Nora Batty:
And damn strange you are too. What do you need that thing for when you're on your own?

Alvin:
They said, "Nora Batty is a different woman in a sidecar." So I thought, "A different Nora Batty? It's worth a try."

Nora Batty:
Who said?

Alvin:
So I thought, "Go for it, Alvin. Sweeten up the old bat. Take her for a spin now and then. Bring a bit of colour to her life."

Nora Batty:
Have you any idea how close you are to being spoken of in the past tense?

Nora Batty:
What do you want?

Alvin:
No, not "What do you want?" Try "Hello, Alvin."

Nora Batty:
What do you want?

[last lines]

Clegg:
Do you think you can ever really be forgiven for insulting a hat?

Truly:
Huh. People used to laugh at me when I was a bobby, but I found if you smiled and were forgiving you could usually get the beggars later.

Billy:
Sometimes they laugh at me for wearing such a big feather.

Clegg:
Well, you should try wearing it in your hat.

[last lines]

Clegg:
I think Wesley's a bit heavy with the oil, especially on his overalls.

Billy:
Try as you like, I don't think cookery will ever replace good food.

Truly:
Don't you get fed up watching all these cookery programs?

[first lines]

Barry:
The car's fine, Mr. Pegden.

Wesley:
So is mine, lad, and I want you to be the first to help me with her.

[first lines]

Truly:
[admiring the countryside as they stroll] This is why a man returns to the place of his birth!

Compo:
I was born in a bed me self. I often feel the pull of that!

Clegg:
Often? Don't you mean always?

Compo:
Probably!

Truly:
In the pursuit of law and order, I've had to grab my share of gonads in my day.

Clegg:
I hope he's washed his hands!

Marina:
[pointing at a plate stacked with pastries on Ivy's cafe counter] I'd like two of your delicious vanilla slices to take away.

[Ivy approaches with tongs and a paper sack]

Marina:
Could you put them in a box?

Ivy:
[annoyed] A box? Where do you think you are - Harrods?

[Foggy, Clegg and Compo stand watch while Howard changes his clothes in Clegg's house]

Foggy:
[to Clegg] Tell him alright, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.

Clegg:
[to Compo] Tell him alright, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.

Compo:
[to Howard] Tell him alright, Pearl's nowhere to be seen.

Howard:
[to Compo] She could be upstairs.

Compo:
[to Clegg, mocking Howard's tone of voice] She could be upstairs.

Clegg:
[to Foggy] She could be upstairs.

Foggy:
Thank you, I got the message. Good grief, it went through more hands than Mae West.

[Compo, Clegg and Foggy stand in Clegg's driveway. Howard emerges from Clegg's house in drag:
]

Compo:
How's it feel, Norm? That must be like watching the wife come out of the house again.

Clegg:
Mmm, not really. Different moustache.

[Foggy has embarrassed himself in front of Ivy]

Foggy Dewhurst:
Why didn't you tell me?

Compo Simmonite:
Has tha ever tried tellin' thee anything?

Norman Clegg:
There's no harm done, Foggy.

Foggy Dewhurst:
No harm done? She probably thinks I'm an idiot!

Sid:
She does. She thinks you're an idiot.

Foggy Dewhurst:
There you are, you see. How can you say there's no harm done?

Sid:
There is no harm done, she's always thought you were an idiot.

[first lines]

Clegg:
Answer the phone, Foggy.

Foggy:
In a jungle, I could have crept up on you and cut your throat from ear to ear. Come on, wake up, man; it's a beautiful day outside.

Clegg:
[lying back down] It's not unpleasant in here.

Nora Batty:
What you sitting about with a face like that for?

Wally Batty:
It's the only one I've got.

[first lines]

Compo:
It's no good. I've not got the knack. Why's thine a better colour than mine?

Mrs. Batty:
I'm not talking to you about washing.

Neighbour:
Well, he only asked, Mrs Batty.

Mrs. Batty:
Yes, and he only does it so he can talk about me knickers. He's got no shame. I'd dry 'em inside, but you never know when that insurance man's going to come.

Compo:
Oh, I miss a woman's touch, eh.

Mrs. Batty:
You'll not miss it in a minute. Give you a swipe left earhole if you come any closer.

Compo:
Why should I go through life alone?

Blamire:
Because you're old and ugly and repulsive.

Compo:
Oh, I'm not all that old.

[last lines]

Compo:
She were a brandy drinker. I thought I'd get her drunk and have me way with her.

Blamire:
You disgusting creature. What happened?

Compo:
She had to carry me home. Then this morning she were gone wi' all me clobber.

[Blamire and Clegg burst out laughing]

Compo:
It's not funny!

Blamire:
It's hilarious, you dozy clown!

[the Trio are clad in Santa outfits, seated in a pub]

Seymour:
It's disgusting! What happened to the Christmas spirit?

Clegg:
Oh, well, it's us crums.

Seymour:
Crums?

Clegg:
Christmas Resistance Underground Movement. I've been a crum for years, never realized it, but this morning has really cheered me up. Seems to me there are a lot of us crums about.

Seymour:
It's disgusting!

Compo:
Landlord, three pints! I'm gonna buy a drink for this here crum.

Clegg:
We're just a small, disorganized, peacable mob dedicated to pulling Christmas back down to size. To preserving an air of misery amidst all this good cheer. Come back, Scrooge. All is forgiven.

Norman Clegg:
It's the only thing that worries me about going to Heaven. Would I ever get used to the height?

Foggy Dewhurst:
It's just the call of the wide open spaces, Ivy. Men have this thing.

Ivy:
I know. It's what they're always trying to do with it that irritates me!

Compo Simmonite:
A man is as old as he feels.

Norman Clegg:
How old *do* you feel?

Compo Simmonite:
As old as they'll let me.

Seymour:
Have a look in the mailbox. See how many new applicants there are for my postal courses.

Compo:
[open and closes mailbox] None!

Seymour:
[feigning enthusiasm] Same as last week. Demand remains steady.

[first lines]

[Compo moans]

Foggy Dewhurst:
Stop squirming about!

Compo Simmonite:
I'm bored!

Foggy Dewhurst:
How can you be bored?

Compo Simmonite:
It's easy. You just go [moans]

Foggy Dewhurst:
You've got your health, and your strength, all those fascinating holes in your garments. If you want to do something, why don't you do something about them?

Compo Simmonite:
Ah, I'm fed up! Nothing ever happens round here.

Norman Clegg:
Well, be fair. We had a war in 1939.

Compo Simmonite:
Aye, and that were an away match.

[last lines]

Foggy Dewhurst:
And I've heard quite enough about Earnshaw for one day. Y' know it's very distressing for a man of my scientific outlook to be rubbing shoulders with a couple of... superstitious idiots like you two. Now, I want you to repeat after me: there is no Earnshaw. There is no Earnshaw. There is no Earnshaw. There is no... [water burst through the wall] No, uh. Get a cork.

[first lines]

Compo:
I wonder why fish are slimy.

[last lines]

Clegg:
See ya, Compo.

[first lines]

Tom:
Is this it, then? We've come all this way just to stare underwater.

Truly:
Your father used to enjoy it. But then, he used to enjoy Nora Batty.

Billy:
I suppose secretly we all have these weird ideas.

Truly:
We noticed you do.

Clegg:
I think that's true. I once went through this really bad patch when I thought I wanted to be the minister of agriculture.

Billy:
That's really weird.

Tom:
I have to ask: what is it exactly we're supposed to be looking for?

Billy:
Tell him to keep an eye out for these weird wriggly things.

Truly:
Sounds just like my time with the vice squad.

[first lines]

Collector:
Hello! Uh, Mr Simmonite?

[last lines]

Billy:
How come she was chaining herself to railings?

Truly:
Seemed rude to enquire.

Billy:
Pity. It might of been some sort of club the missus could have joined.

Clegg:
Bring your own railing.

Billy:
I could have bought her some, for her birthday.

Clegg:
I think that's sweet.

Truly:
If you're going to keep spoiling her, she's always going to be difficult.

Billy:
That's true. Let her buy her own railings.

Clegg:
Must be about the only thing that's never gone up.

Foggy:
What is?

Clegg:
The guinea pig.

Compo:
[knocking on door] Wally! Come on!

Clegg:
Then of course, with the urge of politicians to get rid of everything British, even the word guinea has to become a hundred and five p.

Compo:
[calling through letterbox] Wally! Hey-up! Wally!

Clegg:
What kind of a name is a hundred and five p? Sounds like a geriatric malfunction.

Foggy:
Yes, the military man has to forgo the pleasures of the domestic hearth.

Clegg:
And very often the married man has to forgo the pleasures of the domestic hearth; in fact, marriage can be one of the fastest ways of forgoing them that there is.

[last lines]

Compo:
Well, I don't like their Eric.

Compo:
I've been romancing her all this time and it's got me nowhere.

Foggy:
"Romancing her," he says. you haven't got a romantic bone in your body.

Compo:
Listen, if I want any advice on romance, I won't come to an unqualified poof.

Sid:
Hey, are you trying to hurt his rotten feelings?

Compo:
Pah?

Sid:
How do you know he's not a qualified poof?

Compo:
For what professional reasons did thee remain a bachelor?

Foggy:
I came to the conclusion there was no place in marriage for a professional fighting man.

Sid:
There's a place in my marriage for one.

[last lines]

Howard:
[to his bicycle] No noise. Don't let me down.

Auntie Wainwright:
I'd almost forgotten this.

Smiler:
What is it?

Auntie Wainwright:
It's a suit of armor.

Smiler:
What? Whose suit of armor?

Auntie Wainwright:
Mine!

Smiler:
I knew you was old, but I did...

Auntie Wainwright:
Watch your lip!

Aubrey:
I'm looking for Mr Clegg. Norman Clegg.

Pearl:
Next door. But he's not in.

Howard:
No, he gets out. All the time, every day, free as a bird. For me, it's Stalag Luft III.

Aubrey:
Your husband seems stressed.

Pearl:
We do our best.

[first lines]

Alvin:
You do realize that if you wanted to do yourself up a bit I wouldn't lose all sense of control.

Nora Batty:
I'm clean, and I'm tidy, and going beyond that is only asking for trouble.

Alvin:
How did your husband know you were ready for courting? It must have taken uncommon valour to tackle you without a bit of encouragement.

Nora Batty:
He got as much as was necessary. I never saw the need to be really enthusiastic.

[first lines]

Compo:
It's a long time since I've had custard.

Blamire:
Of course one's heart bleeds for you. But you'll never kick the habit if you keep dreaming about it.

Compo:
Read the paper; read the Happy Horoscope.

Blamire:
I do not encourage that kind of pagan rubbish.

Compo:
Come on! Let's be knowing what the stars have in store for me.

Blamire:
Well, it's bound to be a lot isn't it. I mean, look what they've done for you up to now.

Compo:
They've given me a sunny disposition.

Blamire:
Just as well with all those holes in your trousers.

Compo:
Me mum said the minute I were born the sun came out from behind a cloud and a starling on the next door coal-house roof started twittering.

Blamire:
Oh, yes. Little cosmic messages, eh? Not a word from your father I notice.

Compo:
That might not be custard; that could be paint.

Blamire:
What are you doing under there?

Compo:
Me rabbit's foot. I'm cleaning it.

Compo:
Give us a whole fag, and if it'll make you feel better, I'll smoke it out me earhole.

Blamire:
If you've nothing more constructive to offer, kindly go outside and read the tailboard of some reversing lorry.

[last lines]

Clegg:
Kind heart and clumsiness; it's a combination that takes some beating.

Blamire:
The world would end in chaos.

Clegg:
Aye, but not as quick as it's got there being clever.

[last lines]

Clegg:
[Mrs Avery's full-sized bus passes by] What a big bus!

Truly:
Aye, she has, hasn't she?

Clegg:
The vehicle.

Truly:
Oh! The vehicle!

[last lines]

Compo Simmonite:
I could murder some fish and chips.

Foggy Dewhurst:
You usually do.

Norman Clegg:
If ever there's been a neglected subject in poetry, it's vinegar.

Sid:
Wives never understand. They don't understand the masculine urge to test oneself to the limits in some alien environment.

Clegg:
Good God, that reminds me! I must go to the post office.

[takes out a 5-pound note from of his wallet]

Foggy:
I hate parting with these things. I've never been much for dogs or cats, but little five-pound notes are clean around the house, and they really bring a lump to your throat, I always find.

Foggy Dewhurst:
It's sad to see the place in this condition.

Compo Simmonite:
What are you talking about? Old railway sheds were always in this condition. Tat!

Foggy Dewhurst:
Listen who's talking about being tat.

Compo Simmonite:
They were built in this condition.

Norman Clegg:
He could be right, Foggy.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Who builds places in this condition?

Norman Clegg:
Your local authorities mostly. It's called progress. It used to take years to build a slum, and nowadays they're building them practically ready-to-wear.

[last lines]

Compo Simmonite:
I'm glad that's all over.

Norman Clegg:
Me, too.

Foggy Dewhurst:
It'll be a long time before I go near another steam engine.

[Foggy bursts into the house, repeatedly blowing a whistle and furiously waving a green flag]

Compo Simmonite:
Look at that dozy pillock. What's he supposed to be?

Norman Clegg:
Looks like a taxi driver.

Foggy Dewhurst:
A taxi driver? What, with a whistle and a flag?

Norman Clegg:
A lion tamer.

Compo Simmonite:
For deaf lions.

Compo Simmonite:
A lollipop man. That's what he is.

Foggy Dewhurst:
[scornfully] Get on your feet. Come on, it's train time. Wake up, that man. We'll just be in time for the Grand Opening.

Foggy Dewhurst:
I'd no idea it was happening, till I ran into Arnold Watts.

Norman Clegg:
You ran into Arnold Watts? I told you he was a taxi driver.

Foggy Dewhurst:
No, I ran into him on foot.

Norman Clegg:
You can't win with taxi drivers. If they miss you with a vehicle, they get out and *trample* you to death!

Compo Simmonite:
[sings gleefully] We're gonna see a puffer train!

Foggy Dewhurst:
[proudly] Yes you are. And you'll be grateful. You're about to see a *steam engine*. A steam engine, *lovingly* restored. The official re-opening of the line, and we can be part of it. We can be among the passengers on this first *historic* journey.

Norman Clegg:
As long as we don't have to walk.

[Foggy, Compo and Clegg are waiting to catch a glimpse of the steam engine. Foggy is proud; Compo and Clegg are distinctly underwhelmed]

Foggy Dewhurst:
Can't you work up a bit of enthusiasm? Can't you feel your spine tingling with pride?

Compo Simmonite:
I can feel the ache in me spine from all that walking.

Norman Clegg:
Mine's in my knee. I can feel my knee stiff with pride.

Repo Man:
Mrs Simmonite?

Mrs. Avery:
There is no Mrs Simmonite. Or let's put it this way: if there is, I'll kill him.

Repo Man:
Well, the fact is I'm looking for Mr Simmonite.

Mrs. Avery:
I know the feeling.

Repo Man:
We have the information that he now lives at this address.

Mrs. Avery:
He does, and we're not moving ever again.

Repo Man:
Oh, well, that will be of some interest to my company. Mr Simmonite is behind on his payments on several items, and I'd very much like a word with him.

Mrs. Avery:
Who?

Repo Man:
Mr Simmonite!

Mrs. Avery:
Never heard of him.

Repo Man:
When will he be in?

Mrs. Avery:
How dare you come round here bothering a poor old widow woman who lives alone!

[first lines]

Clegg:
A monkey on both ends. Huh. Well now, there's a novelty.

[last lines]

Howard:
Just helping that lady catch her goat.

[last lines]

[they are all in the public loo, although the camera remains outside]

Clegg:
I see the phantom scribbler's been at it again.

Foggy:
You don't have to bother reading them these days; just wait for the film.

Clegg:
It's really boring standing so close to a wall; think they'd put a few pictures up like they used to do in the old railway carriages.

Foggy:
With a big warning against any frivolous pulling of the communication cord.

Foggy:
Why don't you move further down there?

Compo:
Woo-hoo-hoo. Look at this!

Foggy:
I wish you wouldn't say that in these places.

Compo:
I only meant to draw your attention to this beautiful handwriting over here. That's talent, is that!

Clegg:
It is if it's true.

[first lines]

Howard:
Cleggy, can I leave this here a minute?

Clegg:
If it's Marina, the answer is no, Howard!

Howard:
Keep your voice down! It's not Marina. It's just something I don't necessarily want Pearl to see. Come on, Cleggy; she could come out any minute.

Clegg:
Oh, bring it in then.

[last lines]

Eli:
Has it gone?

Edie:
Has what gone?

Eli:
They didn't say. They just said it was dangerous. "You'd better hide under the sheets," they said.

[first lines]

Compo:
[holds out flowers] Hey. [Nora slams the door] Ah, come on, Nora. Don't muck about. I'm not after thy luscious body. I just want thee to fix me flower to me button-hole.

Compo:
It's a long time since we've been to a wedding.

Clegg:
Oh well, I dare say we'll soon get the hang of it.

Foggy:
With this lot, you never know what we might get. God, I hope there's not going to be any fighting.

Compo:
Ah, don't be daft; everybody fights at weddings.

Clegg:
I don't believe it's actually compulsory.

Compo:
No, but there's such a thing as tradition, isn't there!

Foggy:
Half the joy of a gift is in the unwrapping.

Compo:
That's what I keep telling Nora Batty, but she won't unwrap nowt.

[last lines]

Vicar:
The ring.

Compo:
Ah-ha, ha-ho, the ring!

Foggy:
My theory is: muck.

Compo:
I'm not surprised.

Foggy:
As a nation we do not use good old farmyard muck in the way we used to.

Clegg:
Well, not for spreading on the land, may be, but there's still a good deal of bull...

Foggy:
Uh, uh, uh uh uh.

Clegg:
Well, there's still a good deal of it about generally. That is western civilizations biggest post-war growth industry.

[first lines]

Mr. Wainwright:
No. Wait, wait. Come back, Mrs. Partridge. It wasn't meant to be rude. I was just trying to demonstrate the intensity of me feelings.

Compo:
Give us a fag and I'll pose for thee in me wellies and garters.

Blamire:
You don't have to stop there; I mean, you could go right across the seas.

Clegg:
Aye, and then what's the first place you bump into? Ireland. Dodge City with Guinness.

[last lines]

Clegg:
It's all right up here, but you do miss the refinements of life, like Rachmaninov and clothing.

Sid:
Our Ivy could flatten all four of us with one hand doing her baking.

Compo:
Ah-ha, she's a nice lass is that.

Blamire:
How would you know? Your own experience has been confined to the oddest assortment of females outside a women's lib demonstration. Only yours looked like that before women's lib was invented.

[first lines]

Seymour:
What are you wearing?

Compo:
When?

Seymour:
Tonight. Gough and Jessie's golden wedding aniversary.

Compo:
I'll wear me suit.

Seymour:
Oh, good grief! You and that suit have been married longer than they have.

Clegg:
At least it fits.

Seymour:
But who?

[first lines]

Nora Batty:
What are you doing wearing that thing?

Alvin:
[removes gas mask] I'm trying to breathe is what I'm doing. What are you doing with that brush? Every morning you come out here, you move that dust to there and that dust to there. Why don't you just whistle? It must know where to go by now.

Nora Batty:
All swept up. Places need sweeping up.

Alvin:
Right. Well, tell me this then: what are you going to do with it when it's swept?

Nora Batty:
Do with it? Why? What should I do with it?

Alvin:
Well, why are you sweeping it if you don't know what you're going to do with it?

Nora Batty:
What can I do with it?

Alvin:
Enjoy it. You swept it clean; have you ever thought of enjoying it?

Nora Batty:
I enjoy it being clean.

Alvin:
Have you ever thought of quality leisure time? A little table outside, a few chairs, a glass of vino.

Nora Batty:
Men! Life's not for vino; life's for sweeping.

[last lines]

Billy:
Every year I fire this arrow with a message on it. Happy birthday, Robin Hood.

[last lines]

Marina:
Talk to me, Howard. What's going through that thoughtful little head?

Howard:
Well, I've been meaning to ask you something.

Marina:
Yes? Yes?

Howard:
Do you think you could ever learn to become really fond of broad beans?

Glenda:
Barry's sensitive. He feels it's his right to have a deep, emotional experience.

Pearl:
Well, tell him you've scratched his car.

Glenda:
I don't think he's ready for *that* deep.

Auntie Wainwright:
In all my life I've never seen a more mangled, bent, twisted wreck, [to Smiler] and for once I don't mean you.

Smiler:
Oh.

Auntie Wainwright:
I send you out with a perfectly good handcart...

Smiler:
Perfectly good! It's a bundle of firewood on wheels.

Auntie Wainwright:
It is now. Look at it. Have you ever seen anything in a more pathetic condition.

Smiler:
Nuh.

Auntie Wainwright:
It's a splintered, battered, mangled, twisted shambles...

Tom:
We need a new vehicle.

Auntie Wainwright:
Which only needs a touch of attention here and there to bring it back to showroom condition.

Marina:
Have you ever tried a dating agency?

Miss Davenport:
I did once. It was all computerized. I think they sent me a virus.

Howard:
You've got to get me out for a break, Cleggy.

Clegg:
*I've* got to get you out.

Howard:
Not just you. You can employ help if you like,

Clegg:
Well, what do you want, the SAS?

Howard:
Have you got their number? [reconsiders] No, Pearl'll go mad. They're so heavy on people's paintwork.

Clegg:
I remember Wagstaff; didn't want to go to Heaven if there was no marmalade.

Truly:
No way was he going to live forever without a full English breakfast.

Billy:
You have to suspect that Heaven's going to be big on organic and plenty of fibre.

Alvin:
Anyway, Wagstaff was looking in the wrong direction if he wanted toast.

[first lines]

Howard:
[to his bicycle which is sounding an alarm] Sh! Sh! Sh!

Pearl:
Not today. No trips out today. Twenty-four hour lockdown. Upstairs. Second bedroom. Get the paper scraped off the walls.

Howard:
But it's really stuck on.

Pearl:
Then get really stuck in.

[last lines]

Clegg:
Crowcroft. So, I mean, how is he?

Truly:
Well, he was looking much better when he said goodbye.

Clegg:
Goodbye? Where's he going?

Billy:
Into a monastery he said.

Truly:
In Peru.

Alvin:
Maybe it's nice in Peru.

Billy:
Maybe there are no warts in Peru.

Clegg:
Huh. I must admit I've never seen a Peruvian with a wart. I was only thinking so this morning. I suppose we've led such sheltered lives. You get to our age and you've never seen a Peruvian with a wart.

[first lines]

Billy:
Tha's looking for a female companion; I'm looking to get rid of the wife's sister. It's the perfect solution.

Smiler:
Uh, I wouldn't say perfect.

Billy:
She's quite... well... very nearly quite attractive. If you don't mind warts.

Tom:
We've talked about blemishes; he's not expecting perfection. He- he'd consider loss of leg, going bald.

Billy:
You're home free. She's got a full set.

Smiler:
What about facial hair?

Billy:
Yeah, with nearly every wart! Eee, th've struck lucky again, Smiler. Is this uncanny or what!

Tom:
He doesn't mind warts, do you?

Smiler:
Depends on the bits in between.

Billy:
Ah. The warts are the best bits. But, she'd be company to you in the winter of your years.

Smiler:
Sounds like another hard winter.

Roz:
[about Howard] How long has he been like this?

Pearl:
Seems longer.

Roz:
They say they're a comfort in your old age.

Pearl:
I thought that was pets.

Roz:
Oh. That does sound more plausible.

Truly:
Why do you think the Vikings used to come here?

Billy:
Looting and violence.

Alvin:
I thought that was Manchester United.

Truly:
Only on Saturdays. Weekdays it was the Vikings.

Norman Clegg:
What do clouds remind you of?

Compo Simmonite:
A cup o' tea and a meat pie at Sid's caf'.

Norman Clegg:
Yeah, me too.

[last lines]

Norman Clegg:
[dials 999] Oh, ah, yeah, uh, um, fire brigade, please.

[first lines]

Alvin:
I'm Alvin, vaulter of rivers!

[Ivy sighs]

Nora:
Don't look. It only encourages him.

Ivy:
I've never seen anyone with a firmer hold on stupidity.

Nora:
Why do they settle here? Why don't they go and annoy Australia?

Ivy:
They'd never find Australia.

Marina:
[about Smiler] He needs the attentions of a good woman.

Tom:
A bad one might be quicker.

[last lines]

Clegg:
Who married Whitehorn's lass?

Billy:
Tall kid from Denby Street.

Truly:
Venables.

Billy:
Took to drink.

Truly:
I thought that was you.

Clegg:
Didn't we go to his funeral?

Billy:
He's still alive!

Clegg:
Oh well, we probably didn't then.

Truly:
That was another Venables.

Billy:
A dead one. You'd think some people'ld know the difference.

Alvin:
[climbing out of river] I'm Alvin, swimmer of rivers.

[first lines]

Clegg:
Can I just... summarize the situation here? We've just seen Billy Hardcastle disappear up a tree.

Truly:
Yes, I noticed that.

Clegg:
Carrying what to the casual observer looked like a length of rope with him.

Truly:
Length of rope. Yes, saw that.

Billy Hardcastle:
Eh, da- Oh blooming heck.

Clegg:
But, don't you think we ought to inquire what his plans are?

Truly:
He seemed perfectly cheerful.

Clegg:
What, climbing up a tree at his age? That could be construed as another bad sign.

Truly:
How're you doing up that tree, Billy?

Billy Hardcastle:
I'm doing great. Apart from a bit of trouble with this damn great knot.

Ivy:
Nobody cooks these days. They just watch it on television.

Glenda:
I'll have to get home to my Barry. He was feeling depressed. He was talking about getting tattooed.

Edie:
I hope you stopped that. Not one member of this family has been tattooed, and that includes your father. [Glenda stares at her] Oh, I do occasionally see him without his oil stains.

Glenda:
Mother! Drink your coffee!

[last lines]

Truly:
I don't know why they got so mad with Barry. He's just given the golf course a new hole.

Billy Hardcastle:
He'd a' lacquered it, that one.

Clegg:
I thought Howard was moving well. I hope he puts the kettle on.

[first lines]

[Truly, Compo, and Clegg are lazing on a countryside hill]

Truly:
Of course, police work had its dangers.

Compo:
Too much heavy drinking, for a start. Mixing with funny women.

Clegg:
Sounds more like you.

Compo:
I thought I recognized that description.

[series last lines]

Clegg:
Did I lock the door?

[last lines]

Truly:
I think I liked Aubrey better when his knees were wobbly,

Billy:
True. But I see Aubrey as the kind of person who had legs that would sober up.

Truly:
Hunh. Well, it just shows, you can't trust anybody.

Clegg:
Well, even wobbly, you couldn't live long with Aubrey's knees.

Miss Davenport:
They say gentlemen prefer blondes. Also those who are very far from gentlemen, as one soon finds out.

[first lines]

Billy:
Hey, do you think Alexander the Great used to have a pack lunch?

Clegg:
Oh, you can't go conquering without a pack lunch. They couldn't drop in to a Jumbo Burger.

Truly:
History never gets down to these revealing details, like, uh... did the man have a painful corn, so he had to wear sandals?

Alvin:
He'd have a corn specialist amongst his retinue, and an ear, nose and throat guy.

Billy:
He died young, though, didn't he?

Truly:
Well, maybe his corn went septic.

Clegg:
Well, I expect if they were riding all day they probably got their corns somewhere else.

Billy:
Stands to reason he'd have a pack lunch. I'll bet his mother said, "You can't go conquering the known world on an empty stomach."

Truly:
Aye. "Keep off those oily foreign foods," she said. "Eat your greens."

Alvin:
"And don't let me catch you up those mountains without a woolly vest."

Clegg:
Do you think that's why he left home?

Billy:
Probably.

[last lines]

Howard:
I thought your heart belonged to Nora Batty!

Compo:
So it does, Howard, but this bicycle rolls where it likes.

Howard:
It's what I've always said: Height's wasted on tall people.

Hobbo:
I'm beginning to believe I was a hitman for Primrose Dairies.

[first lines]

Tom:
Heh-hee-hee. That's what I call a trolley.

Wesley:
Probably the finest trolley in captivity.

Smiler:
Huh. That's because you made it.

Wesley:
That's because I'm encouraging you to like it. Because I've decided that you ought to road-test it.

Smiler:
Eh? If everybody's in love with this trolley, how comes I'm the one who's got to ride it?

Wesley:
You've got the legs for it. I noticed instantly.

Tom:
Come on, Smiler. It'll put some sparkle back into your life.

Smiler:
What makes you think I haven't got sparkle?

Wesley:
A wild guess.

Tom:
Sparkle? You need a jump start! Think on it; you've lost your taste for simple pleasures.

Smiler:
What's simple about risking your life in that?

Wesley:
Almost no risk. Really.

Tom:
One time of day you'd have been thrilled to bits to risk your life in this. It's time you recaptured the thrill of things, rediscovered your childlike joy.

[last lines]

Howard:
But, Pearl, love, why should you think I've been with some woman?

[first lines]

Billy:
I saw Gavin Hinchcliffe yesterday. [pause] There's no need to get excited.

Tom:
Yesterday I was interviewing a bank manager.

Truly:
You, in a bank? Huh. Must have been a river bank.

Billy:
I bet I haven't seen Gavin Hinchcliffe since we were at school.

Truly:
Huh.

Billy:
He looked just the same.

Clegg:
Does it suit him, still being in short trousers?

Billy:
No, nervous and twitchy. He must have jumped three foot in the air when I clapped him on the back and said, "How do, Gavin?"

Truly:
I can understand that. It'd scare me on a sudden appearance, and I've got nerves of steel.

Clegg:
Pass.

Truly:
What I can't understand is what was Tom doing in a bank.

Tom:
I often go to a bank.

Truly:
Could one ask what for? It's not as if you had any chance of getting any money.

Tom:
It's like Wembley; you go for the atmosphere.

[last lines]

Gavin Hinchcliffe:
Be reasonable, Miss Davenport. Rolling out of a van together should not be construed as legally binding.

Clegg:
I think they're a lovely couple. They have something.

Truly:
You like anybody who's balmy.

Clegg:
That's it - balmy.

Ivy:
They say it's a mystery why primitive man ever came down from the trees. Well, it's no mystery to me. If he were owt like you lot, I expect the silly devil fell out.

Compo Simmonite:
We were very good at being poor. We were, we were famous for it.

Foggy Dewhurst:
You were famous for not going to work. That's why you were poor.

Compo Simmonite:
No, I blame that on God.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Oh yeah, that's right, go on. Typical. Blame the Conservatives.

Compo Simmonite:
There was one very, very irritating habit that landlords cannot stand.

Foggy Dewhurst:
All right. What is that? we ask cautiously.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Having no money.

[last lines]

Compo Simmonite:
Hey, Foggy! Your luck's in; there's some fellow wants rescuing off the roof.

[last lines]

Blamire:
It's an open question, life. Anything's possible. I mean, what do we really know about anything?

Clegg:
Maybe we're already dead.

Compo:
Then wha'?

Clegg:
Maybe we had to die to get here, from some other place.

Compo:
Ah, give us a fag afore I get headache.

Blamire:
So this is Heaven then. Or the other place.

Clegg:
Well, it can't be the other place.

Blamire:
Why not?

Clegg:
In Yorkshire? Be further south, wouldn't it?

Clegg:
We've all had that uncomfortable feeling that the Almighty's not all that competent.

Compo:
Ah, there were that time during the war with Hilda Mason and them three Yanks. Everybody knew it were rape. But she were never prosecuted.

Blamire:
[about Compo] No wonder he's an atheist. If cleanliness were next to Godliness, there's nowhere else he can go. Come on, we'll take a walk up the hill, and if he won't admit to feeling a sense of wonder in church, we'll see how he feels when faced with the wonders of nature.

Compo:
Wonders of nature! One cow-cake after another.

Compo:
I'll say this much for thee, Cyril, tha's a lovely talker.

Blamire:
Have less of the Cyril. Try 'Mr Blamire' while doffing your tatty cap.

[first lines]

Blamire:
It'll not hurt ya.

Compo:
I just don't want to go into a church, that's all.

Blamire:
It's just an experiment. I'm going to prove to him that he does believe whether he believes it or not.

Compo:
I had enough experiments when they had me in hospital.

Clegg:
What were you in for?

Compo:
Two weeks.

Clegg:
Ooh, very nasty; two weeks!

[first lines]

Foggy:
Well, the trouble with you people is you're not as fit as you used to be.

Clegg:
I don't think I was ever as fit as we used to be.

Compo:
I'm knackered.

Foggy:
Lost some of the... polish has gone from the top end of your performance curves.

Clegg:
Nay, you mustn't go jumping to conclusions just because we can't breathe and our legs collapse.

Compo:
What tha' talking about, thou long-shanked basket; tha's just as puffed as we are!

Foggy:
That's ridiculous.

Compo:
Even poofier.

Foggy:
I've always kept myself in first-class fighting trim.

Clegg:
Yes, but your trim has become a short back and sides, Foggy.

Foggy:
What's a scientific term for flashes in front of the eyes?

Clegg:
Indecent exposure?

[last lines]

Foggy:
Take your lead from me. Don't have to panic; just leave it to the horses. They'll take us home. The horses know where they're going.

Clegg:
I do enjoy hearing people discuss politics. It makes you realize there are things more boring than growing old.

[first lines]

Billy:
I used to come out here with an old Volvo headlamp, put it to me ear and listen to the universe.

Clegg:
In Swedish?

Billy:
Feel at one with nature.

Clegg:
You feel at one with the ground being hard.

Truly:
There's a hallowed police technique for calming unruly prisoners that used to make you feel quite close to nature.

Clegg:
You never mentioned it at flower arranging.

Billy:
And what did the universe used to say, tha must be wondering.

Truly:
It used to say, "Who's that idiot with the Volvo headlamp?"

Clegg:
"Oh, it's only Billy Hardcastle," it used to say, "earwigging again."

Billy:
It used to say nowt, actually. Makes you wonder whether there's owt there.

Clegg:
The question man has been asking since his time began: is there anything beyond the reach of a Volvo headlamp.

Clegg:
The thing I like about this place is the peace and quiet.

[a car passes with music pounding loudly]

Clegg:
Don't you sometimes wish they'd bring back the death penalty?

Truly:
It's what every policeman wants for Christmas.

[last lines]

1st Policeman:
You saw that?

2nd Policeman:
The headless Land Rover.

1st Policeman:
What do you think?

2nd Policeman:
I think he was driving nice and steadily, actually.

1st Policeman:
Right. Well within the limit.

2nd Policeman:
On his own side of the road.

1st Policeman:
Yes. No reason really for us to interfere.

2nd Policeman:
It wouldn't be right.

1st Policeman:
There ought to be more like him.

Compo:
I wonder why they call it plaster of Paris. When I broke my arm, they got mine from a company in 'Uddersfield.

Clegg:
I like it.

Foggy:
What?

Clegg:
Plaster of Huddersfield.

Foggy:
Don't encourage him. Just let him lie there quietly making all the creepy-crawlies go "yeuch".

Clegg:
The trouble with these revolutions in the name of freedom is how soon they make it compulsory for everybody.

Ivy:
[yelling] When are y' going to look at me sink?

Sid:
Any time you can arrange to sink, love, I'd gladly come and have a look.

[last lines]

Compo:
I wonder what they'll put on my gravestone.

Foggy:
Something very heavy, I hope.

Clegg:
What would you like on it?

Compo:
Somebody else's name. [laughs]

[first lines]

Billy:
I couldn't sleep last night for the wife snoring.

Truly:
Didn't you give her a nudge?

Billy:
She's in the next bedroom.

Clegg:
Have you always been that close?

Billy:
She sleeps with her sister. She says I'm the wrong temperature for sleeping with.

Clegg:
Well, I think she's hinting that your thermostat has gone.

Truly:
What temperature does she like?

Billy:
Sub-tropical. I keep thinking there's a monsoon any minute.

Clegg:
Yeah, they like to be warm. That generation had more clothes on in bed than than they wear for going out these days. You needed a honeymoon just to find your way about.

[last lines]

Clegg:
[peering through the back window of Compo's hearse as it departs from the church for the cemetery] We thought you'd like another wander through the hills, old son.

[first lines]

Entwistle:
OK, now what?

Tom:
Keep your eyes on your float.

Entwistle:
Watch float.

Smiler:
In case it moves.

Entwistle:
How long watch float?

Tom:
All the time. You never take your eyes off it.

Entwistle:
What are procedures in case of over-excitement?

[last lines]

Howard:
I can't see telling people they were adopted.

Clegg:
You should have known that I was joking. People couldn't afford to adopt; they had to do it by installments. They only got as far as adopting one of your legs, and then the war broke out.

Howard:
You're pulling my leg, again.

[Howard starts to leave, then returns]

Howard:
Which leg?

Nora:
What *are* you doing, playing with a kite at your age!

Alvin:
I've got a perfectly good reason. My train set's come off the rails.

Nora:
It's you that's off the rails.

Roz:
I'll never get used to baked beans.

Pearl:
Well, there's worse. With Howard, it's black pudding. I keep telling him, "They're lumps of blood, Howard." I'm living with a midget from Transylvania.

[first lines]

Truly:
Are we getting too old, Billy? Too set in our ways? Losing that playful edge.

Billy:
Naw.

Truly:
You sure about that?

Billy:
Trust me.

Truly:
Fair enough.

[they roller-skate off down the road]

[last lines]

Barry:
I'm sorry I got it wrong, love; I thought we'd been married longer than that.

Glenda:
Come to bed, Barry, and bring your sparkle.

Glenda:
Oh, Barry!

[last lines]

Compo:
[standing in a field, speaking into a "magical" hubcap] Calling Nora Batty! Calling Nora Batty! This is your neighbor next door, Mr. Magic! Nora Batty, come in! Come in, Nora Batty!

[first lines]

Foggy:
Now, I made a very useful contact yesterday, if ever you should be in the market for any off-cuts of polystyrene.

Clegg:
I don't know how you do it, Foggy.

Foggy:
Being in the right place at the right time.

Compo:
Hey, let's pop in and explain our rules to t' new librarian.

Ivy:
Women's lib! You think we need an act of parliament to be the equal of you lot! Ooh, it makes me poorly. The only distinguishing factor about the male sex is that it's got more in its trousers than he's got in its head!. What it's got in its trousers it can keep, for me!

Workman:
[about Ivy] Yours?

Sid:
Aye.

Workman:
Wouldn't it have been quicker just to cut your throat?

Sid:
I'm a coward.

Workman:
Wouldn't say that; I think you must have nerves of steel.

[first lines]

Billy:
I know what the wife's sister's getting for Christmas. A pimple - side of her nose! It's developing really nicely.

Alvin:
You make it sound like she's entering it for a competition.

[first lines]

Billy:
I wish somebody'd find the wife's sister attractive, and set up home with her in some far distant land.

Truly:
Liverpool?

Billy:
Farther than that.

Truly:
They're very close are they, your wife and her sister?

Billy:
It's not only a blood relationship; they're joined even closer by this common bond. Suspicion of me.

Truly:
I see. The blood in the relationship is usually yours.

[last lines]

[Clegg and Truly are supporting Billy as they walk]

Truly:
We'll cancel with the vicar. We'll tell him you've been called away.

Clegg:
By voices. Little, whispering voices from the greenwood.

[first lines]

Compo:
I wonder if I ought to give up betting on the horses.

Blamire:
I don't believe it!

Clegg:
I should give up losing. Just bet on winners.

Compo:
Maybe I could start betting on the dogs.

Blamire:
Oh. Now I believe it. You see, I didn't quite understand at first; I thought he was flirting dangerously with common sense, but he isn't. Are you?

Compo:
No-o.

Blamire:
You had me worried for the minute. The world is changing that fast you don't know what to rely on. But if he abandoned stupidity, that's my last certainty gone.

Compo:
Well, My Last Certainty's gone and all. Come in fifth.

Clegg:
Well, you won't be able to put so much on dogs. They're smaller. So that'll save you some money.

Compo:
I think I fancy an ice lolly.

[last lines]

Compo:
I hate him.

Clegg:
No, you don't.

Compo:
Are you sure?

Clegg:
Well, pretty sure.

Compo:
That's funny; I thought I hated him.

Clegg:
Puts your head in glass buckets, doesn't he?

Compo:
Gives me fags.

Clegg:
And it was only a short while ago he was giving you a V sign.

Compo:
[sighs] True.

Clegg:
Well, there you are, you see. Nobody's all bad.

Blamire:
[from the door] Come on!

[last lines]

Compo:
Hello, Truly! Hello, Norm.

Truly:
Where have *you* been?

Compo:
Nowhere particular. That's as close as I can get without embarrassing a lady.

Compo:
Hey, Cyril! Give us a fag, I'll give you a sniff of me socks.

Clegg:
This fellow... he picks up this tiny bird in his hands and carries its quivering little body across this busy junction, and feeds it to his cat! Life's like that; a complex texture of conflicting moralities.

Vicar:
How're you keeping?

Clegg:
Me bowel's playing up a bit. God moves in mysterious ways.

Blamire:
[pointing at Campo] He's still calling for me in broad daylight.

Clegg:
Tell the neighbours he doesn't belong to you; you're just looking after him for somebody.

Compo:
They've taken me telly again.

Clegg:
Only because you haven't paid; it's nothing personal.

Clegg:
No need to be prejudiced against him, Cyril, just because he looks like summat from Rent-a-Drain.

Compo:
That's true. I've got my feelings, you know.

Blamire:
Oh, I do know. I've seen you scratching 'em

Clegg:
You've got to remember, Campo, that Cyril's a Tory, and Tories can't stand it if you're filthy and obscene. That's what the Labour Party's for.

Clegg:
It used to be a tradition round here if you were hungry you could knock on any door and without a moment's hesitation they'd slam it, straight in your face.

Compo:
Well, what's that got to do with owt?

Clegg:
Huh, just shows they had character. Now we're into an age of compassion. The world's full of folk hating folk for hating folk.

[last lines]

Compo:
Well, see ya.

Clegg:
Tomorrow.

Blamire:
At the library.

Compo:
Tada.

Blamire:
Cheerio.

Clegg:
Tada.

[Compo and Blamire leave]

Clegg:
[looking at the flowers from his wife's grave] I don't know, lass; it's a rum old world. Nonetheless, I, uh, I think I'll go and get a bit of sausage for me tea.

Blamire:
Well, what was wrong with chapel, eh?

Clegg:
I felt somehow that it should have more humour. And perhaps a bigger organ. No, I'm not convinced. I mean for a start, if God's omnipotent, with all that choice available what could he possibly want with my old woman? No, it implied blind chance working there, not selection. Oh, I know I chose her but think on: she was a lot younger then and it were the height of the Depression. Nobody expected owt fancy.

Compo:
Well, even if you don't believe in God, He'd take her just for spite. They're all alike, the bosses.

Blamire:
What do you know, you tatty heathen?

Compo:
I'm entitled to my opinion.

Blamire:
Not exactly an expert opinion, is it? Considering how much experience you've had of either church or full employment.

[first lines]

Clegg:
[led by Truly, Compo and Clegg are hauling a large object up a countryside hill] Did we really have to come all this way to do it? I'm getting too tired to be tired.

Compo:
Listen, I'm not doing it where anybody can see me - not till I get the hang of it. Not till I'm looking good.

Truly:
Looking good could be regarded as a bit ambitious in your case, but put yourself in my hands, you'll soon get the hang of it.

Clegg:
They'll never believe this!

Compo:
They'll never know, unless some big mouth tells 'em!

Truly:
Right then, chaps, put it down there.

[last lines]

Marina:
[admiring Wesley's latest invention] Oh, Howard, we should get one of those!

Howard:
I wonder if passing the test would be very difficult.

[first lines]

Entwistle:
You fire arrow at sky. Where it falls can tell good luck or bad.

Truly:
Sounds like a load of rhubarb to me.

Entwistle:
Very ancient rhubarb.

Billy:
Right, stand back. Let's give it a whack.

[Billy shoots an arrow straight up]

Truly:
[staring up] Looks like bad luck to me.

Howard:
This is Mitzi.

Pearl:
Where'd you get it?

Howard:
I promised Vernon I'd look after her.

Pearl:
Vernon's died and left you his dog!

Howard:
He hasn't died; he's gone to Manchester.

Clegg:
Close.

[last lines]

Howard:
Did we need all these bandages? Or were we just looking for sympathy?

[Compo is rummaging through a drawer]

Compo Simmonite:
I'm looking for my camera.

Foggy Dewhurst:
You know, the trouble with you is you don't search in a methodical manner.

Compo Simmonite:
I don't lose things in a methodical manner.

[first lines]

[Nora Batty is nicely dressed, hurrying down the sidewalk past Compo's flat when he emerges]

Compo:
Hey up, Miss Thrill-A-Minute! Where's tha off to all dressed up?

Nora Batty:
It's none of your business!

Wesley:
Who's Walter Ridley?

Edie:
Oh, ho, ho, ho. You won't know him. He's a gentleman.

Wesley:
Does that mean he goes through life without standing on newspapers?

[in Sid and Ivy's cafe]

Compo:
[turning to face Ivy] Who *is* this Walter Ridley?

Ivy:
I'm not surprised none of you lot know him. He wouldn't be daft enough for you lot.

Truly:
[dryly] It's possible we could train him.

Ivy:
Mr. Walter Ridley is a gentleman.

Clegg:
Why is everybody going to clean for him? If he's such a gentleman, how come he needs so much cleaning?

[first lines]

Alvin:
Instead of traveling by bicycle, I might have been a Greek shipping millionaire.

Billy:
Tha's not even Greek.

Truly:
He could lie! I mean if, if people saw him dancing and breaking a few plates he might get away with it.

Alvin:
I'm speaking hypothetically.

Billy:
That's Greek for a start.

Alvin:
Assuming I was born Greek.

Clegg:
Uh, did your mother know you were Greek? I mean, as far as I know she never went farther than Bridlington.

Truly:
Well, maybe he could be a Bridlington shipping millionaire.

Alvin:
It's not the same, is it? I'm talking oil tankers and love affairs with opera singers.

Billy:
Have you seen the size of opera singers! Tha'd need the bicycle just to give her a cuddle.

Glenda:
Could I ask you all a personal question?

Ivy:
Well, I don't see why not. They're usually the more interesting.

Nora:
And it's not as if there's any men here with big ears and a loose tongue.

Nelly:
Just a bunch of women with big ears and a loose tongue.

Nora:
I wouldn't say that!

Nelly:
Well, neither would I if there *were* any men here with big ears and a loose tongue.

Glenda:
It's just that I was wondering if any of your husbands had ended up with no minds of their own.

Nora:
Minds of their own! Are they supposed to have?

Ivy:
I don't know about ending up like that; I thought they started like that.

[last lines]

Howard:
Not much further.

[last lines]

Blamire:
[to Clegg] Here, time you and I were home.

Compo:
No, no! One, one for t' road.

[Compo opens a can]

Compo:
Here's wishing me every success with my daily treble and Mrs Batty.

[drinks]

Blamire:
In that order?

Compo:
Not... not necessarily.

[Compo passes the can to Clegg]

Clegg:
Here's to me brother-in-law who shows deep tact and understanding by keeping out of me way.

[drinks]

Clegg:
[Clegg passes the can to Blamire]

Blamire:
Aah. Well, here's to the lady that managed the NAAFI in Oswestry during the war. The one with the glasses.

[drinks]

Compo:
Ah, there's no pleasure like lying abed like it used to be when I was supposed to be at work.

Compo:
Have thee got any dripping, Sid?

Blamire:
That went out with the depression.

Clegg:
Nay, Sid went out with the depression, then he goes and marries it.

Sid:
Tha's not far wrong, either.

Clegg:
There was a time when I had the scientific curiosity, during old Fosdyke's lessons. I was very impressed by the behaviour of iron filings. All them invisible patterns in the air; it makes you think: maybe the Almighty's got a plan after all. Or is he just passing the time embroidering his doily?

[first lines]

Blamire:
Oh, he's late again. I knew it. He's not only unsavoury, he's unpunctual as well.

Clegg:
It's a bit early for Compo. He's not had the practice of getting off to work like we used to have.

Compo:
I should fetch a shovel old lad, he's crapped all over t'carpet.

[first lines]

Clegg:
Oh, look. It's a balloon with a Howard on a string.

Howard:
You ignore me if I just knock on the door.

Clegg:
Ah, that's probably because I'm trying to ignore you, Howard. Don't go away.

Howard:
[to himself] It gets lonely out here. It shrinks the spirit. A person feels unwanted.

Pearl:
How long have you been interested in balloons?

Clegg:
Oh, it's just a passing fancy.

Pearl:
Well, I hope it passes a bit quicker than some of Howard's.

Clegg:
Basically, it's just to keep me occupied until my skateboard comes.

Wesley:
I'm not buying. Our Edie does all that.

Auntie:
I'm not selling; calm yourself, man. Can't stand grown men going to pieces.

Wesley:
Not selling! Is this some kind of trick?

Auntie:
I want to hire you for a few hours, you and your Land Rover. I'm negotiating with this farmer. Ooh, terrible, mean, hard old person.

Wesley:
Well, that'll be duel worth seeing.

Auntie:
All right, if it's going to be classed as entertainment, you'll not be wanting a fee.

Wesley:
Just pay me for the diesel.

Auntie:
Terrible dear stuff, that diesel.

Wesley:
Forget it!

Auntie:
All right. I know when I'm beaten.

Roz:
D'you know, I don't think I've been this deep in country since a Mr Birkenshaw.

Pearl:
Mmm, well, expect it all looks very different when you're on your feet.

Roz:
He invited me to go birdwatching.

Pearl:
You didn't fall for that one, did you?

Roz:
I did! And then it turned out he really meant birdwatching.

[last lines]

Clegg:
I think I liked him better when he was miserable.

Norman Clegg:
I think I'd rather wait out here.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Well, what's the matter with you?

Norman Clegg:
He's such a red hot salesman is Dougie, he's bound to sell me something.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Ah, rubbish.

Norman Clegg:
It usually is.

Compo Simmonite:
Buried treasure!

Foggy Dewhurst:
Yeah, buried treasure.

Compo Simmonite:
[laughing] You should be locked up! I can just see Captain Morgan and all them other pirates coming up the canal desperate to bury their treasure somewhere near 'Uddersfield.

Foggy Dewhurst:
There's more than one kind of treasure, you know.

Compo Simmonite:
Oh yes, I can see all them jolly pirates singing their Yorkshire sea shanties: Yo ho ho, and a bottle of John Smith's

Compo Simmonite:
Hey-up, things must be serious if Foggy's opening his purse. I shouldn't bother with that, Foggy; we've been decimalized since thee were last in there.

[last lines]

Foggy Dewhurst:
Dig it up; dig it up; it might be Roman.

Compo Simmonite:
Don't. Watch these trousers. [grunts] Yeah, it's an old beer can.

Norman Clegg:
Ingenious beggars, them Romans.

Compo Simmonite:
It's Tetley's.

Norman Clegg:
Gaius Julius Tetley. I like it.

Compo Simmonite:
Me too. Let's go and have one.

[first lines]

Foggy Dewhurst:
I understand the co-op has some big reductions in winceyette pajamas.

Norman Clegg:
I could do with some big reductions in mine.

Blamire:
[about Compo] I wonder what he's up to. Grimy little Herbert.

Clegg:
It's really none of our business, which I always think makes it that much more interesting.

[last lines]

Compo:
Listen, them's the two whacks you want to thrown out. They scoffed my Chinese meal and ruined my sex life.

[last lines]

Alvin:
[dressed as a clown] Come on, lass, what does make you laugh? D'you like a good joke?

Nora Batty:
No!

Alvin:
Would you like a bad joke?

Nora Batty:
No!

Alvin:
Well, what does make you laugh? Whoaagh! [Alvin falls down the stairs]

[Nora bursts out laughing and Alvin snaps her photo]

Alvin:
Gotcha.

[first lines]

Compo:
[strolling through the countryside] Okay, so we've come all this way. Now what are we gonna do?

Truly:
Do? We are going to do what I came back to my birthplace to do. I bet you're not dressed like a tourist, but look at the view!

Clegg:
[lagging behind the others] You better start without me. As soon as I get me breath back and me eyeballs stop wobbling, I'll catch up with you.

[last lines]

Clegg:
[referring to a cold, wet Compo] I think his timbers are shivering.

[last lines]

Nora Batty:
I know that face! That's not Captain Zero!

[first lines]

Blamire:
[whistles to Clegg] Come on!

Compo:
Give us a fag and I'll let you waggle me loose tooth.

[last lines]

Clegg:
I told you I was getting the hang of it.

[last lines]

Marina:
Oh, Ronald. If you're into crocodiles, please spare a thought for someone who wouldn't mind sharing your interest, as long as it was in the form of a handbag and a nice pair of shoes.

[first lines]

Nora:
I heard you coming in at all hours.

Alvin:
I told you before, you don't have to wait up for me.

Nora:
You'd been drinking.

Alvin:
A celebration. You should try it. Have you never thought of letting your curlers down?

Nora:
A celebration. Men always find some excuse.

Alvin:
It was Billy's birthday.

Nora:
The way you were singing, it sounded like yours.

Alvin:
Have you never gone a bit giddy yourself?

Nora:
I knocked on your wall.

Alvin:
Oh, as giddy as that. You gotta have some springtime in you then.

[Compo is flirting with Ivy while Clegg and Sid look on]

Compo Simmonite:
Sometimes I don't think they know what they're missing out on!

Sid:
[to Clegg] With those trousers they must have a good idea.

[Ivy wants Foggy to leave, and is trying to make him drink his tea and go]

Ivy:
Well, don't take all day.

Norman Clegg:
Who trained your Ivy to handle customers, Sidney? Did you send her to Cosa Nostra or was it something she picked up from the Waffen-SS?

Sid:
I keep telling her, "Be nice to people. Start with me!"

[Compo is exhausted after the trio has pushed a stranger's stalled automobile to the top of a hill]

Compo Simmonite:
[groans] Oh, I hope tonight's not the night that Nora Batty finally says yes.

Norman Clegg:
I'd sooner push motorcars. I really would.

[Wally and Nora Batty meet the trio on a country road. Wally drives a motorbike, and Nora rides in the sidecar]

Norman Clegg:
[to Foggy] When you see her sitting in her chariot, you realize she's a dead ringer for Queen Boadicea.

Compo:
Amos, Foggy Dewhurst.

Amos Hames:
*Foggy* Dewhurst? Sounds like an industrial disease.

Foggy:
I was merely pointing out the similarity between the human and the equine foot.

Compo:
What's an equine foot?

Clegg:
Twelve inches and a bit, and the bit goes between the teeth for steering purposes. [he laughs but the others don't] That's all right, Clegg. You just talk among yourself.

Compo:
I wouldn't have minded being a famous criminal. You know, keeping a greyhound and a bird in a flat, with big knockers.

Clegg:
They mostly have doorbells.

Foggy:
And where were you when the chips were down?

Clegg:
Ah, it's funny you should say that. Potato prices keep falling, but how often do you find that the chips are down?

[last lines]

Foggy:
Are you sure your dubious friend Amos really has gone home?

Compo:
He's gone home.

Foggy:
Look, what was he doing in the bank?

Compo:
Well, he went in to see if they remembered him; he wanted to cash a cheque. But they wouldn't.

Foggy:
Oh, so they did remember him.

Compo:
Well, it don't matter anyroad; Cleggie cashed it for him.

Foggy:
You cashed a cheque for him? You didn't!

Clegg:
You want to have a bit of confidence in people, Foggy.

[Compo and Foggy laugh heartily]

[first lines]

Blamire:
Charming view. Sort of... boring.

Clegg:
Nearly sickly enough for a postcard.

Compo:
If I were a painter, I'd paint that.

Blamire:
Oh, yes? What colour, eh? Great daubs of 'Up Leeds United'?

Clegg:
How about 'Welshman go home'?

Compo:
No, you can't send 'em home. They only get mistreated if they can't speak Welsh.

Blamire:
What this view lacks is a few factory chimneys. Then perhaps there'd some work for our kind.

Clegg:
Nature-lover.

Compo:
You try speaking for yourself. Some of us are idle enough to still appreciate things like this. Anyroad, if them were all built up, where could I exercise my ferrets?

Blamire:
You'd think a sensible nation could ferret out a few jobs for those who want to work. And especially a few for those who don't!

Compo:
[whispers to Clegg] I think Cyril's depressed.

Clegg:
It's easily done. Some of us look at a view like this and all we can see is how bonny it is. But if you're really in tune with nature, if you concentrate and listen, then soon, faintly on the breeze, you begin to sense the million munching teeth of tiny things scoffing even tinier things. Depression could be a kind of art form; there's so much raw material going for it.

[last lines]

Compo:
Cyril, tha'll get used to unemployment, I promise thee. I did.

Clegg:
Ah, but then you had a flair for it.

Compo:
That's true. A' must be a gift.

Blamire:
Oh, shut up and go to sleep, you two. You're like a pair of matching motor-ons. You wanted to waste time; all right, we'll waste time. I found you a quiet spot; enjoy it!

Clegg:
Cyril, could I ask you something?

Blamire:
What is it now?

Clegg:
Could you tell me why we're lying on this ants' nest?

Compo:
Wha-o?

Nora Batty:
[about a rumoured tiger] Well, I don't think there's anything round here that is a man-eater.

Pearl:
Well, I know one for a start.

Glenda:
What kind of man-eater?

Nora Batty, Ros, Ivy, Edie:
Drink your coffee!

[first lines]

Tom:
Will you pack it in? The whole house is shaking. There's plaster falling off in there.

Nora Batty:
He's very forceful, your Tom.

Mrs. Avery:
He's unreliable. I think there's another woman.

Nora Batty:
There'd better not be another woman. You've got a good lass here. I've seen the way she looks after your house.

Tom:
Looks after it! She's shaking it to bits. Nobody can get any sleep.

Nora Batty:
It's time you married this good lass. Settle down.

Mrs. Avery:
He keeps saying he will.

Tom:
Aaaaaah, I'm working on it.

Nora Batty:
Has he promised you?

Mrs. Avery:
At least twice a week.

Tom:
Am I supposed to remember everything?

Nora Batty:
I'll get him settled down; I feel I owe it to his father.

[last lines]

Billy Ingleton:
Hey, that was quick. I've only just finished dialling you.

Seymour:
[reassuring] It's just an experiment.

Compo:
[complaining] Why do we have to experiment?

Seymour:
'Cause that's the way human beings are: always pushing restlessly against the frontiers of knowledge. You spend a little time upside down, and when you stand up again, you'll find out whether the blood rushes to your head.

[last lines]

Foggy Dewhurst:
You can run along now. I'm going to stand to attention for a while. I always feel better when I stand to attention for a while.

Compo Simmonite:
Dorothy Lamour used to have this flower in her teeth.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Did a lot of baking, did she?

Compo Simmonite:
Not baking flour, you great idiot! A geranium.

Foggy Dewhurst:
That's where we've been going wrong. We've been coming round this bend as pedestrians. No wonder we missed the bush. Why did we miss the bush?

Norman Clegg:
Maybe it's not a bush stop.

[last lines]

Clegg:
The Battle of Mazurka, two hours at the most, huh. And our Alvin, without flinching, day after day, living next door to Nora Batty.

[first lines]

Ivy:
Let me have a look in the daylight. You can't tell by artificial light.

Alvin:
She'll go to any lengths, that woman, to attract my attention.

Nora Batty:
The number of times I sweep that yard, and still there are things I can never get rid of.

Ivy:
Ignore it. It might go away.

Nora Batty:
It keeps coming back!

Alvin:
I've seen her in some pretty funny hats, but that's pushing it even for her.

Ivy:
It's part of her costume, dimwit. She's in the float parade. She's playing the general's wife.

Alvin:
Oh, lucky him. Who's playing the general?

Nora Batty:
Nobody. He's a dummy.

Nora Batty:
Well, he'd have to be to be married to you.

Ivy:
It's a lifelike dummy of the hero of the battle of Mazurka. They use it every year. It's a piece of history. It's dressed in one of the general's original uniforms.

Alvin:
You're getting all dressed up to sit on a float next to a dummy!

Nora Batty:
I've had plenty of practice being next to dummies since you moved here.

[first lines]

Alvin:
Every morning we get this flurry of wind stirring up the dust, and it's you.

Nora:
Well, I'm a flurry in a hurry. It's time you were dressed and gone.

Alvin:
Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a good mood.

Nora:
Oh.

Alvin:
Sit down. Join me.

Nora:
Alone? With a man in his dressing gown? Never!

Alvin:
It's tea and toast. It doesn't mean we have to get married.

Nora:
I used to see my husband in his dressing gown, *only* when he was poorly. That's what dressing gowns are for, not for flaunting about in front of respectable widows.

Alvin:
Whi! It's not much of a flaunt. I'm sorry if it's getting you all emotional. You'll find things get easier once the fires in the flesh have died down.

Nora:
They die down very quick when the only fuel is men.

[last lines]

[Howard passes by with a sooty face]

Nelly:
Where has he been?

Pearl:
Who knows? He's like dust; he gets everywhere.

[Marina passes, also with a sooty face]

Nelly:
Everywhere.

[first lines]

Foggy:
Boy, I'm looking forward to it. A weekend by the sea: salt air in your lungs, sun on the water.

Clegg:
Sand in your sandwiches.

Foggy:
I refuse to be discouraged by that cynical attitude. You're looking forward to it just as much as I am. When I called for you this morning, you were whistling.

Clegg:
Well, I had just opened my electricity bill.

Foggy:
No, you were happy.

Clegg:
Sh, not so loud! Nobody admits to being happy these days; they'll think I'm weird.

Foggy:
Exercise.

Clegg:
And the world is full of social reformers, and nothing irritates your social reformer more than finding some damn fool who's happy!

Foggy:
Oh, exercise is all you need. I don't keep this figure by accident, you know.

Clegg:
The older I get the more I seem to like dozy people. Hmph. Mind you, you get a lot of practice round here.

Foggy:
Oh, give me a razor-sharp intellect any time.

Clegg:
Oh, I will, the minute I find one.

Foggy:
Yes, well, I thought that was very palatable.

Clegg:
Oh well, we're still in Yorkshire, aren't we. It's not as if we've gone abroad like that damn fool Anderson from Murtly Street.

Compo:
Where did he go, then?

Clegg:
Liverpool.

Clegg:
[about Compo's aftershave] 'Biceps'. Which obviously means half of forceps, that is: a pair of tweezers with only one prong. Now, *that* could take a bit of getting used to. [sniffs] And this is going to take a bit of getting used to, too, which of course explains why it's, it's called Biceps.

Drunk:
Thash- that's the wu-worst dummy I've ever seen in me life!

Drunk:
Both of 'em.

[first lines]

Foggy:
Right, take your jackets off. We shall all feel better for a free flow of air round the old shirt.

[last lines]

Compo:
Drinks are on me tonight!

Clegg:
All the bars are closed by now, except in down-town Majorca.

Foggy:
Batman, hold that lamp still. Dewhurst never gives up.

Clegg:
Yes, it's funny, isn't it? We went to school all them years. We got the three R's and a bit of woodwork. But not a word about how to fight the Third Reich.

[first lines]

Barry:
[about his car] Oh, she looks great when she's been polished, Glenda. I think she likes it. I think she likes me.

Glenda:
Come inside, Barry.

Barry:
But I can't see her if I'm inside.

Glenda:
I want to talk to you.

[they go inside]

Barry:
What is it?

Glenda:
Come inside, Barry, and sit down.

Barry:
What's wrong?

Glenda:
Nothing's wrong. I just want a word with you.

Barry:
I knew it; something's wrong.

Glenda:
I don't want you to get upset, Barry.

Barry:
You're in love with somebody! While I've been cleaning the car, you've been swept of your feet by some Romeo. Oh, Glenda, tell me it's not a pedestrian.

Glenda:
I'm in love with *you*!

Barry:
Then why are you leaving me?

Glenda:
Nobody's leaving you.

Barry:
Then why am I sitting here, waiting for bad news?

Glenda:
It's not really bad news. Mother's coming for tea.

Barry:
Couldn't you have had a Romeo? Only joking. [pause] No, what's to joke about? Your mother's coming for tea.

[last lines]

Billy:
[being carried on a stretcher] I tell thee what, the ale's improving round here. [gives 'Cat Creature' cry]

Truly:
I find there's only one thing to do when a serious discussion like this is going nowhere. It's an old explorer's trick, Alvin. You take a bearing on the sun; you divide it by pi R squared, and you find it's opening time.

Truly:
Barry, you look as if you could do with a change. We require a lift to the lair of the cat creature.

Barry:
Oh, I'd love to, Mr. Truelove, but my mother-in-law's coming to tea.

Truly:
Barry, I am talking legendary creature, fierce and watchful.

Barry:
Me too, Mr. Truelove.

Clegg:
He conceived the bold idea of asking Nora Fogarty for a lift. Of her skirt. To put an end to those rumours as to what she had printed on her underwear. Some said it was the device of the Egg Marketing Board. Whatever it was, it set him off on the wrong foot. He developed this penchant for funny women, and was last seen loitering sadly outside Sugden's chemists.

[first lines]

Clegg:
[reading the newspaper] C. Cooper.

Truly:
A. Jackson.

Clegg:
What about A. Jackson?

Truly:
Nothing. You led with C. Cooper, so I thought I'd play my A. Jackson.

Clegg:
Well I was reading the show report. It says here: "First prize, vegetable section, C. Cooper."

Truly:
I can't tell you how glad I am to learn that. I've been tossing and turning all night wondering who won first prize in the vegetable section.

Clegg:
I wonder if C is for Cyril.

Truly:
Cyril Cooper? Our Cyril Cooper? Old Coop?

Clegg:
Mmm. Well, it [chuckles] it's possible.

[last lines]

Billy:
Too much man for one woman! I bet if he had to retake a test he'd fail.

Clegg:
Well, what's he digging for? You don't think he's still using worms?

Billy:
Is that the secret? You come at them with a worm, they go to jelly.

Clegg:
Well, they did at school.

Truly:
You won't find that in Kama Sutra.

Billy:
That's Indian funny stuff. Old Coop's invented Yorkshire funny stuff.

Truly:
Heh, he didn't even recognize us. I expect after all he's been through his eyesight's not what it was.

Clegg:
Does he carry one with him? I mean, huh, where do you keep a worm between engagements?

[first lines]

Alvin:
[skateboarding through town] Look! Miss Batty!

Alvin:
[skateboards past Nora, and crashes into shop] Gangway! Watch out! Oh!

Nora:
Are you all right?

Alvin:
I'm Alvin, survivor of spills.

Nora:
You must be mental.

Alvin:
Also, possibly mental.

Clegg:
The female form was always a mystery to me. Anything else you acquire with moving parts, you get a owner's manual.

[last lines]

Marina:
Howard! What are you doing among that woman?

[first lines]

[Howard is singing nonsense syllables]

Pearl:
Howard!

Howard:
Yes, honeybunny?

Pearl:
You're very chirpy this morning. You're up to summat!

Howard:
Oh! Some days you just feel glad to be alive.

Pearl:
I must be slipping!

Howard:
Don't ever change. I like *you* just the way you are. [He starts singing again]

Billy:
Do you think God keeps an eye on everything?

Truly:
No, that's special branch.

Clegg:
I thought it was her behind the curtains at number twenty-three.

Billy:
It's very difficult round here to get a serious conversation.

Truly:
Yeah. We've noticed that.

Clegg:
We think it's because we mostly meet idiots.

Billy:
I expect they think the same.

[first lines]

Pearl:
Where do you think you're going?

Howard:
A bicycle needs a certain amount of exercise. It's a well-known fact.

Pearl:
Yours gets enough exercise; that's another well-known fact.

Howard:
I didn't know where you'd gone. I was worried about you.

Pearl:
You better be. And I've every intention of keeping you worried about me. So, now you've found me, we'll go home, shall we?

Howard:
I was just going to suggest that.

[last lines]

Howard:
Hello, precious.

Pearl:
Don't you precious me! What are you doing in there?

Howard:
I'm just having my bicycle mended.

Pearl:
That's the worst damned excuse you've ever made. Get on home!

Ivy:
Open it carefully.

Sid:
I am opening it carefully.

Ivy:
Yeah well, I don't want it scratching before we even start.

Sid:
You've started already.

Ivy:
Yeah, well, you can't just go digging in like a lunatic with that screwdriver!

Sid:
Well, pass me something sharper like your tongue.

Nora Batty:
I sometimes think he's perverted!

Compo Simmonite:
I *am* perverted. To North Sea gas. We all are 'round here.

[last lines]

Foggy Dewhurst:
Be reasonable. You can't expect to get it right the first time.

[first lines]

Compo Simmonite:
I wonder if my life would've been different if I'd been taller.

Foggy Dewhurst:
Of course it would. Instead of being short and scruffy, you'd have been tall and scruffy.

Norman Clegg:
With longer holes in your trousers.

[the trio sit on a hillside above a stream, and hear a man's voice in the distance]

Fifi's Walker:
Fifi? Fifi!

Norman Clegg:
Which one of you two answers to the name of "Fifi"?

[Lamenting about the dog:
]

Fifi's Walker:
All I ever see it do is eat flamin' toffees, lick the wife, and pee all over me geraniums

Foggy Dewhurst:
That's better than licking the geraniums and peeing all over...

[Clegg cuts him off]

Norman Clegg:
Ahem.

Foggy Dewhurst:
But if it's her dog, why doesn't *she* take it for walks?

Fifi's Walker:
She's fatter than the dog is. She spends all her time chomping toffees, too. Mind you, she *is* great at keeping people from coming to the house.

[Wally encourages Compo to pursue Nora]

Wally Batty:
I don't know why you don't make yourself more attractive.

Compo Simmonite:
Hey, up! I *am* more attractive.

Wally Batty:
Before she'd marry me, I had to make meself more attractive. And like a fool, I did.

Norman Clegg:
You can't go tampering with nature, Wally.

Wally Batty:
Just a bit of solid Brilliantine.

Norman Clegg:
A well-known aphrodisiac. You must have been irresistible.

Wally Batty:
I was!

[last lines]

Compo:
Fares please!

[first lines]

[Nora is hanging her wash, while Compo sits back and watches]

Nora Batty:
[irritated] Isn't there something you could be doing, instead of watching people work?

Compo:
The truth is, lass, there's nothing I'd rather be doing.

Glenda:
I don't know why some of you married at all.

Nora Batty:
We've all wondered that.

Clegg:
[about Billy] You'll have to excuse him; his mother was frightened at birth.

Landlord:
What by?

Clegg:
Him.

[first lines]

Clegg:
What do you think about birthdays?

Truly:
I think I've had too many of 'em.

Clegg:
No, I mean, what do you think of other people's birthdays?

Truly:
Oh, I can stand them.

Clegg:
Good. 'Cause it's, uh, it's mine tomorrow.

Truly:
Oh. Happy Birth...

Clegg:
Don't start. I don't need fuss; I, I hate all that. They used to be harmless; nobody really bothered, but now, it's like a circus.

Clegg:
You don't want balloons?

Clegg:
Excuse me while I go and upchuck behind that bush.

Truly:
One tactic for these occasions is to lie. I'll guide you through.

Clegg:
Lie?

Truly:
You know, sometimes called giving evidence.

[first lines]

Alvin:
Hello. Come on if you're ready. Stir yourself.

Nora:
Ooh. You realize, I'm only learning to do this for charity.

Alvin:
Get on with it.

Nora:
Suppose somebody's looking.

Alvin:
It's just you and me.

Nora:
Yes, and I don't want that word spreading round either.

Alvin:
Look, I'm not going to brag about it. [turns on the music] Come on, Twinkle-Toes, follow me.

Alvin:
The thing about Rita Hayworth was she was just my size.

Clegg:
Alvin, you shrunk Rita Hayworth?

Billy:
What did Aly Khan have to say?

Alvin:
It wasn't his Rita Hayworth. This was a lass from Macclesfield.

Clegg:
Don't stare; it's rude.

Billy:
Exactly. Anybody would think we'd never seen a bloke in a dressing gown up to his waist in water strangling a swan before.

Lenny:
[about Nora Batty] Where did *that* come from? Did somebody rub an old lamp?

Alvin:
You get used to her.

Billy:
You what?

Alvin:
Well, her husband must of got used to her.

Billy:
He *died*! D'you think that's getting used to her?

Glenda:
[about Nora Batty learning to line dance] Are you enjoying it?

Nora:
I am not enjoying it. And I'll challenge anybody who says I am enjoying it. I'm not having people thinking I'm some silly, daft, fluffy-headed bimbo.

Pearl:
I don't think you're in much danger of that.

Roz:
However, if you end up going down that route, I'm always available for advice.

Ivy:
Oh, don't get her going. She'll blame me.

Nora:
Well, you opened your mouth.

Ivy:
It's a bit of line dancing! You're not lap dancing.

Roz:
Not yet, but once you get your feet on the slippery slope...

[last lines]

Lenny:
[shouting] Hey. H-hey. Hey!

Vicar:
I'm looking for a strong, male ballad singer.

Norman Clegg:
Unsuitable on all three counts.

[Nora has caught Wally trying to go out, and orders him back inside]

Wally Batty:
Marriage is so unequal.

Nora Batty:
How do you make that out?

Wally Batty:
Because you're only married to me, but look how much I'm married to.

[Foggy recalls his military service]

Foggy Dewhurst:
Yes, some of us gave our health and strength to the empire. [Foggy scowls at Compo] And some of us gave it Woodbines and funny women.

Compo Simmonite:
Aye, well, tha's lost the empire but I've still got Woodbines and funny women.

[Ivy lectures Sid while Compo and the others look in unnoticed through the caf? windows]

Ivy:
And don't you forget it! [Ivy wallops Sid on the top of the head with a serving tray, then exits into the kitchen]

[Compo enters the cafe]

Compo Simmonite:
Ha-ha-ha! She's playful with a trayful, is your Ivy.

Foggy Dewhurst:
It'll only be a mild concussion, Sidney.

Norman Clegg:
I'll tell you something, Sidney. Someone's gonna dig up this skull in a million years' time and come to the conclusion that there was a breed of Yorkshiremen with very flat heads. For which, of course, the flat cap had to be invented.

[last lines]

Norman Clegg:
You'd think she'd have more patience with infants in prams.

Foggy Dewhurst:
She's never looked a string of patience to me. I was once bitten by a Jack Russell terrier that was friendlier than that.

Compo Simmonite:
Well, she's never bitten me. And it's not as though I haven't tried.

Norman Clegg:
Mm.

[first lines]

Nora Batty:
What are you doing?

Alvin:
Just testing.

Nora Batty:
I know you're a bit wet, but do you need a drainpipe?

Alvin:
It's a viewscope. Auntie's selling them.

Nora Batty:
What do you want one of them things for?

Alvin:
Well, I didn't go in for one of these; I went in to chose a roll of lino. But lino lacks entertainment appeal. These are more interesting than lino.

Nora Batty:
As long as you don't go staring at me through it.

Alvin:
Just testing. You needn't read anything giddy into it. You're a bit lacking in entertainment appeal yourself. Have you never felt the urge to act on impulse?

Nora Batty:
[Nora pushes the ladder Alvin is standing on so he falls off] Next question.

[last lines]

Nora Batty:
What's this!

[last lines]

Smiler:
[trying card trick on a passing lady] Take a card.

Passing Lady:
Thank you. [takes a card and leaves]

[first lines]

Truly:
[on a makeshift teeter-totter behind a wall] It's a while since I did this.

Clegg:
Didn't do it a lot in the police force, then?

Truly:
Problem was keeping your helmet on.

Billy:
Didn't you wear a chin-strap?

Truly:
Very dangerous, chin-straps. A person could creep up behind, grab your helmet, start pulling back, and there you were being strangled.

Billy:
Did it ever happen to thee?

Truly:
Fairly regularly.

Billy:
Hmm, sounds a bit rough. Where were you stationed?

Truly:
It wasn't at work. It used to happen at home. It was the former Mrs Truelove. As soon as I came through the door, wallop, grab your helmet.

Billy:
You know what they're like at parties.

Entwistle:
Ugly.

Tom:
Why ugly?

Entwistle:
I don't know why. I just know the one who gets you in a corner always ugly.

Tom:
They get better as the night goes on.

Pearl:
[about Auntie Wainwright] She thinks on her feet; you got to give her that.

Roz:
I always found that things got trickiest when you were off your feet.

Glenda:
Oh, did you spend much time being ill, Auntie Roz?

Nora:
It's right about now your mother would say, "Drink your coffee."

Auntie Wainwright:
I gave up love for money, and we've lived happily ever since.

Davenport:
Another book-lover. How may we help you?

Pearl:
Have you got 'How to Poison Your Husband'?

Davenport:
I'm sorry, it's out. Anyway, there's a waiting list. [laughs]

[first lines]

[Nora is out front hanging her wash when Compo leans out from his 2nd-story window]

Compo:
Hey, lass! Sew us a button on.

Nora Batty:
Where? You've got buttons missing in places where no lady would go unescorted.

Clegg:
Where did you learn to be such a barefaced liar, Howard?

Howard:
Pearl's been a great inspiration.

[the Trio are drinking in a pub, after Clegg has fallen from a fence onto his head]

Clegg:
Hey, listen. If you promise to keep it to yourselves, I'll tell you a scandalous secret. When you get a good bite, Yorkshire tastes terrible.

Seymour:
There's a moral there somewhere: Never fall with your mouth open.

Foggy:
Try not to scream if you see anything move inside his trousers. See, he keeps ferrets in his pocket. I think the worst thing for a stranger is when he tries to feed them.

Gwen:
Don't worry, love. I'm a widow, not a shy young girl like yourself.

Foggy:
We shall have to keep him away from your late husband's mother. Where is she?

Gwen:
Having a lie down. She likes to close her eyes and sharpen her tongue in darkness.

Sid:
You know, sometimes I get this impression you don't actually trust me.

Ivy:
Would you like it in writing?

Sid:
Mind it's just an impression; there's nothing I can really put my finger on.

Ivy:
Hmph!

Sid:
Which is not a bad description of our love life.

[last lines]

Compo:
How do they get fish just the right size for this batter?

[first lines]

Gloria:
Morning, Mrs Batty.

Nora Batty:
Morning, Gloria luv.

Gloria:
One thing, shan't have to scour me step in Australia.

Nora Batty:
Why ever not? You're not going to let yourself drift into mucky habits when you get there, are you?

Gloria:
No, they don't do it down there.

Nora Batty:
Not scour the steps! Eeugh!

Miss Jones:
I want to go back to the Children's Library.

Miss Probert:
We're needed here, Jones.

Miss Jones:
I want to go back where 'Puss in Boots' means just that, and not that awful magazine.

Miss Probert:
I know, dear. I got a bit of a shake or two when I flipped through that thing about fairies.

Shep:
Went all through t' last war, five and a half years on it, and I can't say as I ever hated Jerries, but I've been six months a lollipop man, and I could cheerfully strangle every little brat under eighteen.

Compo:
Hey! You must be mad wanting to strangle poor, little, innocent kids! Use your pole; what do you think it's for?

Clegg:
The young are a great comfort as you grow older. Makes you realize that at least you're going in the right direction.

[last lines]

Compo:
I hope you're going to slow that tempo down a bit for the dancing on Saturday night.

Blamire:
And who is going to be dancing?

Compo:
We are; me and Nora Batty.

Barry:
When you're young you think you are always going to be happy with your fancy underpants, even if they are killing you.

Glenda:
They were never that fancy, Barry.

Barry:
Those red ones were.

Glenda:
Those were mine!

Barry:
I mean the ones with the Ferrari logo.

Glenda:
I thought it was a pram.

Barry:
Why would anybody wear a pram on their racy underpants?

Glenda:
As a reminder of the dangers of racy underpants.

[first lines]

Marina:
[Marina sits on an empty bench] Miss Davenport's starting this poetry group, Howard.

Howard:
[sticks his head out of the hedge] I can't join a poetry group. I'm more your man of action.

Marina:
At least we could be seen together. You wouldn't have to hide in the bushes.

[Howard sees Vicar approaching and disappears into the hedge]

Vicar:
Good morning, Marina. Good morning, Howard.

[last lines]

Smiler:
There was a Mrs. Lesley at number twenty-six. Next door to her were the Hendersons. He was Frank, and she was Phyllis, and they had this daughter Mavis who had a bad leg.

[first lines]

Nora:
And that's supposed to entertain the over-sixties. I hope they think it's been worth waiting sixty years.

Billy:
Give us a chance. It looks better in costume.

Alvin:
And with all the pizazz, the lights, the music...

Nora:
The audience leaving.

[Nora leaves]

Billy:
Do you think she can smile? Do you think her muscles have gone slack?

Alvin:
Huh. Have you seen her corsets? I don't think there's a chance for anything to go slack.

Billy:
Hey, she was married to Wally for fifty years. I don't think he raised a smile.

Alvin:
He was probably waiting waiting till she was in a good mood.

[last lines]

Clegg:
Barnsley accent. I like it. You'd know where you were with a Barnsley accent; there'd be none of this flossy liberal stuff.

Billy:
Which bits didn't you like?

Nora:
The beginning.

Alvin:
We're working on it.

Nora:
And the end.

Billy:
But in between?

Nora:
Rubbish.

Entwistle:
When he gets crowd, what then?

Billy:
This mystery voice will come in and guide him.

Entwistle:
If he believes stuff like that, it seems shame not to sell him nearly new washer and dryer.

Truly:
Control your commercial instincts! This is a man with a message.

Entwistle:
Washing machine comes with message, and full instructions.

Billy:
But does it work?

Entwistle:
If not, he's in luck - I do repairs.

[first lines]

Alvin:
No!

Nora Batty:
No what?

Alvin:
I'm not available for romantic purposes.

Nora Batty:
Look as if you never were. And that makes two of us.

Alvin:
Go away. I'm busy.

Nora Batty:
You'll be busier in a moment, dodging this brush.

[last lines]

[Glenda is dressed as an American Indian maiden]

Barry:
Glenda?

Glenda:
[giggles] Me White Feather.

Barry:
Do you tickle?

Glenda:
Come and find out. [pulls Barry inside]

1st PC:
What's she packed you?

2nd PC:
I don't know. [inspects a sandwich] What do you think?

Jogger:
[runs up] There's a bloke in those trees, with a gun! [runs off]

2nd PC:
What do you think?

1st PC:
I think it's fish paste.

2nd PC:
What about him and his tale of the bloke with the gun?

1st PC:
Seems quite excitable to me.

2nd PC:
Unreliable witness.

1st PC:
He'd be useless in court. He'd go to pieces.

2nd PC:
At the risk of being overzealous or madly keen, don't you think we should investigate further?

1st PC:
There's no need. It's fish paste.

Truly:
It's been my experience that the truth is always best. Except in the witness box.

Alvin:
Give us a hand.

Nora Batty:
I don't want any familiarities if I come close.

Alvin:
Familiarities! I'd sooner grab a hot welding rod.

Nora Batty:
You'll think you have grabbed one if you try anything on with me.

Alvin:
You! You're bad-tempered, foul and horrible.

Nora Batty:
Yes, and that's just on the surface. Underneath I can be really unpleasant.

Truly:
The car! Isn't that Barry's car over there?

Billy:
I think it is. It is Barry's car.

Truly:
Call me suspicious, but I wonder what he's doing lurking out there among the trees?

Billy:
Barry doesn't lurk. He works for a building society.

Truly:
So did the Leicester Square strangler.

Clegg:
I bet he was in the claims department.

[Compo has delivered a message to Howard from Marina - she's dumping him]

Compo:
It's not just thee, Howard. She's finished with men.

Howard:
[relieved] Oh! She's said that before.

Compo:
Ah, but has she ever thrown away all her Tom Cruise photographs before?

Howard:
[shocked] She's thrown away her Tom Cruise photographs?

Compo:
Straight in the bin - I were there.

Howard:
[worried] That's really critical. I remind her of Tom Cruise.

Marina:
Howard.

Howard:
Yes, love.

Marina:
Can I ask you something?

Howard:
Anything, pet.

Marina:
Why does Norman Clegg buy ladies' elastic stockings?

[last lines]

Smiler:
I can't even tell anybody. How can I tell anybody I've been mugged by a six-year-old?

[first lines]

Ivy:
Oh, you'd know him. He had this distinguishing mole.

Nora Batty:
Depends on where it was.

Ivy:
Well, if I know where it was, it were where anybody would know where it was.

Aunty Wainwright:
Never question the motives of a customer, unless he's trying to return something.

[first lines]

Glenda:
Shall you pick me up from the coffee morning?

Barry:
Long as you don't drag me in. Ladies stare at you so, then give you looks that knot your underwear.

Glenda:
I hope you'll always be shy with the ladies, Barry. Except for me. Long as your not shy with me.

Barry:
You know I'm not. Would I read to you aloud from my owner's manual if I was shy? You are the first and only woman I have ever read an owner's manual to.

Glenda:
Mm, Barry, I remember. I remember everything about our honeymoon.

[last lines]

Truly:
'Rosemarie' was always her favorite. A Mountie on a horse. I used to say to her, "Mabel, I'm a policeman; I've got you; who needs a horse?"

Blamire:
It's not where you're born, it's what you do with it."

Compo:
As far as I can recall you could never do anything with it."