Married... with Children, Season 5

Bud:
The babes will be calling plenty soon. I'm a senior now. A mover. A shaker. I'm the man. I've got the juice. Yup, when I was a freshman, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a sophomore, they flushed my head down the toilet. When I was a junior, I was getting cool, so they let me flush it myself. But now I'm a senior. And ready to rule. This year he's back, he's cool, he's dry.

Kelly:
Until he goes to sleep.

Peg:
Hi, Al. Did you miss me?

Al:
With every bullet so far.

Peg:
[reading TV Guide Fall Preview issue]. We Are Fami-Lee. A Chinese family with three children. [pause] Ohh! I get it! We Are Fami-Lee!

Al:
God, what a day in the shoe store. We had a clearance sale. We had to get rid of all our size 13DDDD. The store was packed with women. Well, there were actually only two in the store, but it was wall to wall.

Peg:
So, are you really sick? You're not trying to get out of going to see my mother.

Al:
Now, Peg. That hurts. You know how much I love that huge fat woman.

[Bud enters Bundy residence]

Peg:
Oh good, Bud is back from the store. Did you get our gift for Grandma? Remember, it was one of those "larger women romance novels".

Bud:
Yes, I remember. They were all sold out of The Pie Man Always Rings Twice, so I had to go with her second choice, The Red Fudge of Courage.

Al:
Once upon a time, there was a man who sold shoes. He was a good man, but somehow, good things never came to him. Did I mention he was a great athlete in high school? People cheered him. That was before the...Red THING appeared. Darkness fell on Shoetown. Who would take on the Red Beast? Who would battle? Who would marry it? The little shoeman stepped forward. Or perhaps the others just stepped back? At any rate, an unholy union was born. So were two unholy children. And the lowly shoeman, who once had been a mighty athlete in high school and scored 4 touchdowns in one game and had many offers to junior colleges and could've made something of his life! Laid down, and died. The End.

Al:
Luckily the cop liked oldies, so he beat me with his nightstick to the tune of "Hey Jude." Then he wrote me up 18 tickets, including the one for bleeding on his pad.

Al{on the phone}:
Hello, Jim's Fish, Chips & Insurance? How much would it cost to add my son to the plan? How old? Let me see.

Al:
Bud, how old are you?

Bud:
Sixteen, Dad.

Al{on the phone}:
He is sixteen...What! If you think I'm gonna pay that much... you're as stupid as those cats you trap and call tuna...You know, when you insult my wife, Jim, you don't hurt me.

Peggy:
Well, what'd he say, Al?

Al:
Nothing I haven't said myself.

Al{on the phone}:
Seriously Jim, I need to ask, is this the best you can do for a lifetime friend and someone who did not tell the police what your catch of the day really was? Oh ho, well if you want to be that way you can take your insurance and stuff it, all of it!

Al hangs up

Al:
There! Al Bundy takes guff from no one!

Peg, Kelly & Bud{in unison}:
Cheap, cheap, cheap!

Peg:
Al, aren't you worried about being uninsured?

Al:
Peg, we don't need insurance. Insurance is like marriage. You pay and pay, and never get anything back! Besides, the car isn't worth more than 100 bucks with both kids in it.

Al's car, driven by Kelly, was in a crash

Al:
Were the kids hurt?

Peg:
No.

Al grabs baseball bat

Al:
Then I will have to do the job myself.

Al:
[three steps away from home plate] Before I cross home plate and bring home the first-ever championship to the Mallers, I would just like to say that... [á la Lou Gehrig] Today... today... today..., I consider you... you... you... the luckiest team on the face of the earth... earth... earth. And in closing I'd like to say, I hate you all, and I thank no one but myself. As of today, I, Al Bundy, am finished with baseball. [takes one step for every letter, the last one jumping on home plate] M... V... P!

Al:
Peg, feed me something or feed me to something. I just wanna be part of the food chain.

Al is home alone. Doorbell rings

Al{talking to himself}:
This time I hope it is a Jehovah's Witness. Al is holding baseball bat Now I can "spread my gospel" to them.

Al answers door. A man is there

Man:
Are you Al Bundy?

Al:
Yes. Hold the applause.

Man:
I just want you to know that your wife has been seen with my husband.

Peg:
I'm not cooking tonight, you know.

Al:
Uh-oh. Then I guess I just have to live on love.

Peg:
Not with me. I'm on strike.

Al:
Oh, no. Then I guess I just have to live.

Al:
Hey, Peg - still on strike?

Peg:
What does it look like?

Al:
You could be on fire and I wouldn't know.

Peg:
Listen, Al. You suffered a head injury today. You're probably seriously hurt and require immediate medical attention. Now go to sleep.

Al:
Peg! Three little green aliens came in here and... they stole my socks!

Peg:
Were they green before or after they touched your socks?

Al:
I lost the pictures.

Aliens pose for new pictures

Al:
No, sorry, guys, I busted the camera in my anger. Nothing ever goes right for me. Sometimes I wonder if Al Bundy was ever meant to be in this universe at all.

Aliens put arms over Al in support

Al:
Thanks, guys. You can have my socks. By the way, what do you need them for?

Aliens:
PEZUZU.

Subtitle:
FUEL.

Narrator:
It was a time of great darkness. A giant comet cut a path of destruction through the universe. The one man who could save them all was unappreciated on his homeworld. But on planet Preludon, they still sing songs about the man whose socks created fuel for the ships that battled the comet and stopped it, savings hundreds of worlds to include Earth. This man's name? Al Bundy!

Al:
First thing they teach you when you're a rookie shoe salesman is, when you got a fat one in the chair, never look up. Well, I looked up, Peg. I saw underwear. It said "Saturday."

Peg:
So what?

Al:
[starts crying] Today's Wednesday.

Al:
[singing to the tune of Old McDonald had a Farm] Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y. And on this farm there was no wife, B-U-N-D-Y. With a no wife here, and no kids there, a hooker coming in on Friday nights, big luscious hooters and a pizza and a beer there. Old McBundy had a farm, B-U-N-D-Y.

Peg:
[to Al] Are you enjoying your day off?

Al:
Peg, you know I am. Now, how are you gonna ruin it for me? Sex? Chores? What?

Peg:
Where are you going?

Al:
Where do you think I'm going?

Peg:
To the "Mr. Pudding Belly" tryouts?

Peg:
Al, our baby's gone. Hold me.

Al:
I didn't hold you when we conceived her. Why should I start now?

Peggy:
Bud, was I a good mother?

Bud:
Well, you must have been. I was the only 8-month-old baby who knew how to change his own diaper.

Reading of the will of Al's cousin Steimey

Steimey Bundy{posthumous}:
Despite the popular idea of the "Bundy Curse", it remains that a Bundy can succeed. Did I mention I never married? For my cousins, I offer you this. Iggy Bundy, I hope you graduated college. Iggy is shown with his ugly wife staring into space Lester Bundy, I hope you became an astronaut. Lester is also shown with an ugly wife, wearing the uniform of a gas station attendant, holding a squegee Eugene Bundy, I hope you became a bank president. Eugene Bundy is shown without a wife

Eugene Bundy:
I did.

Eugene is shown wearing handcuffs and leg irons, shadowed by an armed prison guard

Steimey Bundy{posthumous}:
And Al...get your hand out of your pants! Al actually has his hand in his pants in public. He takes it out, both mortified and astonished I have no hope for you, but if I can give you any advice, at least dump that redhead who lifted my wallet! Regarding the disbursement of my estate, the first Bundy to sire a male child in my name, Steimey C. Bundy II, will inherit my entire estate of $500,000.

Iggy Bundy starts making out with his wife, as does Lester Bundy. Eugene Bundy is about to follow suit but realizes he is single and looking at a guard who has a shotgun pointed at him, then chuckles ashamedly

Peg:
And then of course there's that ten months of pregnancy.

Marcy:
Ten?

Peg:
Male Bundys never wanna come out. Oh, and then once they're out, they never wanna go back in again.

Peg:
[reads test questions from a magazine to Al] Who would you rather spend the night with? A, your wife, or B...

Al:
B!

Marcy:
I slept with a man but I do not know who he is.

Al:
I know. He is the dumbest man in the whole wide world.

Marcy':
I am married now.

Peg:
How did this happen?

Marcy:
Because I slept with him, but I do not even know my new name!

Al:
Oh, come on Marcy. If that was the case then you would be Mrs. Pizza Delivery Boy, Mrs. Insurance Agent, Mrs. Navy!!

Jefferson:
I saw a woman come over here. Are one of you my wife? [notices a distressed Marcy, a pleased Peggy and bored Kelly and decides on Kelly) Come on sweetheart, let's go back to bed.

Kelly:
Bye, Daddy.

Peg:
No, no, no, no. You've made a mistake. I'm your wife. [releases Kelly and takes Jefferson's hand] Now we can go back to bed.

Marcy:
Oh shut up. It's me, it's me.

Al{on phone}:
Yeah, we are having a wedding so we need about 2 pounds of cold cuts. What is your cheapest stuff?...Yes, I will take the beaks and claws! I still think 12 cents a pound is damn steep.

Al hangs up. Jefferson enters Bundy residence

Jefferson D'Arcy:
Hey there Al, we have not had a chance to get to know each other, but you seem like a good guy. Can I share something with you?

Al:
Sure what is up?

Jefferson:
I have a dark secret that I have not yet told Marcy.

Al:
Oh, was it by chance "If I see any beaks or claws at my wedding I will snap and start murdering people with an axe?"

Jefferson:
No, I was recently released from prison. I want to tell Marcy when the time is right, but I needed to tell someone. Can you keep it under wraps.

Al:
No problem. Talking to Al Bundy is like talking to the wind.

Jefferson:
Thanks Al.

Jefferson departs Bundy residence

Al:
Peg, Peg!

Peg comes downstairs

Peg:
What is it, Al?

Al:
I have got a secret!

Bundy's backyard. Al organized a slapdash wedding for Jefferson and Marcy

Peg:
What are all these people doing here?

Al:
It is Kelly. She blackmailed me that she would tell Marcy of our plans for the money unless she could use our place for a party.

Peg:
Oh Al, I think this will eat into our funds.

Al:
No worries, I took evasive action and eliminated some of the guests.

Marcy:
Where is my mother?

Al:
Your mother? Oh yeah, she called me and said she doesn't love you anymore.

Marcy:
WHAT?! Where is my Aunt Rita?

Al:
She got snowed in.

Marcy:
She lives in Phoenix, Arizona!

Al:
Son, you are looking at the proud owner of Section 32 of Lake Chicamacomico! I just used my $1,000 for the final payment.

Bud:
Where is Kelly?

Al:
She took off to Wisconsin with some of the bikers from the wedding. No worries, I am sure she can find her way home.

Bud:
How about Mom?

Al:
A one-way ticket to Hawaii cost about $1,000. She took her accordion, so she can busk on the streets of Kaneohe until she earns enough to come back home. Shows Bud a picture from pamphlet These redwoods are over a millenium old. I am going to cut down one of these babies so the stump can be a base for my satellite dish! Jefferson enters Bundy residence

Jefferson:
Well Al, you sure have gotten my marriage off to a great start. Considering my past, I cannot be too mad at you for scamming Marcy, but I am more annoyed you betrayed my confidence. Oh well, we have goodwill between us, and I am looking forward to domestic suburban life with the little woman.

Marcy{roaring from D'Arcy residence}:
JEFFERSON, GET YOUR WORTHLESS BUTT IN HERE, NOW!!

Jefferson:
Got to go.

Bud:
Mr. D'Arcy, forgive me for asking, but what were you in prison for?

Jefferson:
No problem, I did not do anything violent. It was just I participated with some other con men in a real estate scam to sell plots of land around a toxic waste dump called Lake Chicamacomico. That place is so polluted it will not be safe for habitation until A.D. 5,000,000. That hit the news four years ago. Some of the truly stupid are still sending in payments!

Jefferson departs Bundy residence. Al is dumbstruck that he did not do better research

Al:
I bought land near a polluted area? Still, this beats being stuck in Hawaii with your mother, right Bud?

Bud is unsure of remark

Al:
I will manage, besides what is five million years in one man's life anyway?

Al fantasizes about spending time with Bud. Both are at Al's resort, to the whistling tune of The Andy Griffin Show

Sign:
LAKE CHICAMACOMICO. If you can read this, you should be dead by now!

Al and Bud approach a bubbling polluted lake full of steaming industrial waste. Bud has become bald. Al pats Bud on the back, then his arm falls off, and both laugh. As Al and Bud approach lake, both have grown rodent-like tails

[Al enters the house carrying a steering wheel.]

Peg:
Hi, honey. Why did you bring the steering wheel in the house?

Al:
Well, I thought, since it isn't attached any more, maybe you'd like to cook it up for dinner?

Al:
Pumpkin, it's not that we don't believe you. It's just that we don't believe in love.

Peg:
That's why our marriage works.

Al:
[in a Marlon Brando voice] One day I will ask of a favor. Now this day may never come... [normal voice] ... but we both know it probably will!

Buck:
If I had a gun and a thumb, you'd be dead.

Hans:
Cherry cheesecake for Herr Bundy.

Kelly:
Well. I'm a Bundy and I have hair... okay.

Hans:
I wanted to meet the man who loved my cheesecake so much.

Kelly:
Bye! [slams the door in his face]

Al:
Hey, wait a minute, guys. I know I'm the new guy here and its not my place to speak up, but what are we doing? We're men. We were put on this planet to... well, I don't know what we're put on this planet to do - but we're here, damn it! And we're Americans and we have the right to use the best toilet system in the free world. Are we to use the gas station bathroom like some, some common of Russkie? We're being driven from our homes, room from room, running like a Frenchman from a cap gun. And from whom? From our women. They've taken our closets, driven us out our bedrooms by their very nakedness. Now, you guys can take it, but not this Yankee Doodie Dandy. Tonight, I'm reclaiming my toilet bowl.

Men cheer Al on; Al goes home

Man #2:
How about yourself?

Man #1:
I am taking my chances in there!

Man goes into broken bathroom

Bundy residence. Al enters to the tune of Bad to the Bone. He eats multiple tacos and drinks hot sauce from the bottle. Al heads up to the bathroom. Two minutes later, Peg and all of her classmates from interior decorating school flee Bundy residence

Screen crawl:
And the very next day, Al got his bathroom back.

Al:
You know that new aerobics center up above me. The one with the sign "Quarter-ton Discount"? Well today they played Van Halen's "Jump" & damned if the whole herd didn't. It was awful Peg. The ceiling opened up down they came walking off the set.

Al:
I was not born to be a busboy. I'm a shoe-man born & bred damn it.

Al:
Can this be true? Am I not a man I laughed at as a child?

Bud:
Hi, Dad.

Al:
Hi, son. It's not the way it looks, I was just crying on the floor.

Al:
I was at the goal line, then I saw him..."Spare Tire" Jackson, the most vicious player for Central High. He was called Spare Tire because it looked like he wore one around his neck! I pushed him head on!

Bud:
Didn't your knee hit the ground?

Al:
Absolutely not! That was a misperception! I pushed Spare Tire full force and made the touchdown! The winning touchdown and son, that is the story of the greatest sport moment in all of history. The victory was ours, for the school, the championship, & for me, all city, & the legend, & then your mother... the end. OH GOD!

The thief of Polk High School's 1974 championship football trophy has been revealed; a black man who bears a striking resemblance to Bubba Smith

Al:
So, Spare Tire Jackson!

Spare Tire:
Al Bundy! Ever since Central lost that game, everything went downhill for me. Dead-end job, divorced twice.

Al:
Can't exactly feel sorry for you.

Spare Tire:
Do you have a mother-in-law who looks like this?

Spare Tire shows Al a photo that makes Al cringe

Al:
No, I have a mother-in-law who looks like this!

Al shows Spare Tire a photo that makes Spare Tire cringe

Al:
Why did you steal the trophy?

Spare Tire:
Polk did not deserve it. Your knee hit the ground.

Al:
Untrue!

Spare Tire uses chalk to mark the floor

Spare Tire:
That is my line, Bundy. If I beat you back, the trophy goes to Central where it belongs. If you cross this line, I will leave you and the trophy alone forever.

The theme from Chariots of Fire plays as Al charges Spare Tire in slow motion

Spare Tire:
ROAR!

Al:
AUGH!

Al's knee nearly hits floor, but Al imposes self-control. Al steps across chalk line, knocking over Spare Tire. Both men are on ground

Spare Tire:
I got to hand it to you Bundy, you really are the best! Sorry I doubted you.

Al:
No problem, thanks for the rematch. Now, nighty night!

Spare Tire:
Nighty night!

Both men fall asleep on floor, exhausted

Al:
I have the perfect plan to figure this whole thing out. Now what we'll do is we'll just sit here and we'll name every song that was ever made until we get it.

[Jefferson, Marcy, and Peg are trying to guess the song Al is humming.]

Marcy:
"Itsy-Bitsy Spider"?

Al:
No.

Jefferson:
"Go Tell Pharaoh"?

Al:
No! This is a song from my youth.

Peg:
"Look, It's a Wheel"?

Kelly:
I am angry at Vinnie.

Doorbell rings

Kelly:
If that is Vinnie, tell him I am not home.

Bud:
Tell you what Kel, you should tell him.

Kelly:
You are right. Kelly answers door I am not home!

Vinnie Verducci:
Then will you tell me when you will be back?

Peg and Bud look with shock

Bud:
Mom, if my switched at birth theory is true, I could swear he is Kelly's natural brother.

Bud:
Dad, I won a contest! I get to fly to the District of Columbia where I will go to the White House and meet the President of the United States!

Al:
My boy going to meet the President! What a concept. Son, bring me back some of that presidential toilet paper. I bet that stuff is the best. Oh, and you know that woman he is always with...what's her name, Mrs. President? She seems like a nice lady. Get her to make a home-cooked meal for you to take back for me.

Bud rolls eyes

Bud:
Uh, sure Dad. I will remember. All I need is $100 to cover taxes and travel expenses.

Al:
$100?! Why for that kind of money we could get the President to come here!

Bud:
Tell you what, give me all the cash you have on hand and we will call it even. Al and Peg empty pockets: Bud surrenders ticket Oh, just a little food for thought as you are booking your first-class ticket to Acapulco...You can't win! You are ineligible since your microbrained daughter is now an employee of Weenie Tot. We're gonna be poor for the rest of our lives! Bite on that weenie!

Peg:
Al, we cannot redeem the ticket!

Al:
No problem, I have the perfect ploy.

Screen flips

Marcy and Jefferson are sitting on Al's couch

Al:
So you redeem the ticket, and we are talking a 50/50 split.

Marcy{enraged}:
Al Bundy, this is the dumbest scam you have concocted so far! Cheating an American business. Only a criminal would agree.

Jefferson:
I will do it.

Marcy rolls eyes remembering her husband is an ex-con, then talks to him in private

Marcy{sighing}:
Dear, at least remember that despite your past, you were a white-collar criminal. The best this man can hope to become is a ring-around-the-collar criminal!

Peg:
Well, at least it's over.

Al:
Oh, it's not over. [opens the door, revealing the police] Now it's over!

Bud:
I'll do the thinking for the both of us and you do the working for the both of us. And we'll split 30-70.

Kelly:
Wait a second, wait a second. I'm doing all the work, right? So it's 30 for me.

Marcy:
When you came over to borrow the salt and we said "Take whatever you want," you might have misunderstood. Which brings me to our flatware.

Al:
I didn't steal your bra.

Al:
I don't have to fall asleep after sex. I want to fall asleep after sex. I welcome the darkness.

Vinnie:
Mona, why don't you come back a little later.

Mona:
Really? When?

Vinnie:
When you're no longer a felony.

Al:
I have a strange yearning for some melons. [sees Marcy] and a plucked chicken.

Jefferson:
Drop dead!

Peg:
Lick feet!

Marcy:
Eat dirt!

Al:
Grow hair!

Bud:
Just one more question; if all the autograph hounds will stay back a minute. Did you ever think of teaming up with that Eddie Munster kid for the "Thoroughly Pathetic Tour '91"?

Jerry Mathers:
Let's get this over with once and for all. I may have to earn a pathetic living by donning the cap of The Beaver and appearing at supermarkets, but at least my father doesn't sell women's shoes.

[Bud and Kelly slink away.]

Jerry Mathers:
Golly, that felt good.

[Peg, Kelly and Bud are in search for Al's money.]

Peg:
I'll check his underwear. After all, he has only one pair. Now, Bud, you take the closet.

Kelly:
Appropriate for you, Bud.

Peg:
And Kelly, honey, you take the back seat of the car.

Bud:
Appropriate for you, Kel.

Peg:
Oh, Al, the rubes think I'm sexy.

Al:
Yeah, I would too, Peg, if I drank whiskey for breakfast.

Bud segregates one gold nugget

Bud:
This is for my apartment.

Bud segregates two gold nuggets

Bud:
This is for the Corvette.

'Bud picks up a bag of gold

Bud:
And this is for Miss Feburary.

[Al and Peg come up from the dark cellar.]

Peg:
Oh, Al, take me again.

Al:
I didn't even know I was taking you then. I tripped on a box and then I thought the furnace fell on me.

Radio Announcer:
Hey, what a day for a daydream. Show me an unhappy man and I'll show you a --

(a bat smashes the radio. The audience cheers wildly as Al shoves the broken radio off the kitchen counter)

Al:
A shoe salesman.

Peg:
Gee, honey, you look like Tarzan...if he was old and gay.

Al:
Well, Peg, if you were Jane, believe me, he would be.

Bud:
Dad, all my friends are driving.

Al:
Well, if all your friends were getting married, would you do that too?

Al (to Bud):
Son, let this be a lesson to you: Never do tequila shooters within a country mile of a marriage chapel.

Bud:
Fly.

(Kelly smiles, then socks Bud in the stomach)

Kelly:
Tapeworm.

Bud:
Oh, man! It feels like I died and went to Dad's happy corner in the basement.

Kelly:
I beg of you, Pepe Le Pew. Keep your urges and your odor in check.

Al laid out packages of unworn socks in an attempt to bait aliens. Nothing happens. The following night the aliens return

Al:
How come you guys didn't come? Look at all these socks.

Aliens pick up fresh socks and shake heads. One of them pulls a pair out the dresser and nods head

Al:
I get it, these are new. You want used.

Al:
I must have poured a million gallons of water down that hole. I flooded the whole block and every living thing in it. Now if that rabbit's still alive, I'm yours tonight.

Peggy:
[talking to the kids] You know, the sad thing is, I don't really want him. But, a promise is a promise.

Al:
Now look what you've done! You'll be screaming worse than me, I'll tell you! [as Peggy drags him into the house] I'll get you for this, I'll make you pay for this, I'm telling you!

Kelly enters with a middle-aged man; Peg and Al are aghast at her new boyfriend

Harry:
I did not know Kelly had a sister.

Peg:
He's OK by me!

Harry:
This must be Mr. Bundy.

Shakes hands with Al

Harry:
Hello, Harry Ashland, I am an alderman.

Kelly:
That's a priest, Daddy.

Harry:
No, an alderman is more like a city councilman.

Kelly:
Oh. Then how come you wanted me to call you Father?

Kelly:
Daddy, who made you this meat?

Al:
Well, back then, we called her "Mother." See kids, "Mother" meant "home-cooking" back then. Of course, back then, "gay" meant "happy".

Peg:
Al, Kelly's been stood up.

Al:
Must bring back memories for you, huh, Peg? Anyway, I was driving home -- God knows why -- and I hear this old song on the radio that I used to love, but I can't remember the name. Now, why is it whenever a song comes on the radio, and you're waiting to hear them name it, it's always number 6 of 40 in a row?

Peg:
Well, stick with it, honey. You figured out how to flush the toilet; you'll figure this one out.

Al:
This is a burning question of our time, and I will not have it trivialized by a woman who thinks the TV show "Hunter" is engrossing. (as he's walking over to the fridge to get a beer): Anyhow, the DJ finally comes on, and, instead of telling me the name of my song, what does he do? Goes on and on about some massive pile-up on the freeway. (in a whiny voice): "Twelve dead, twelve dead." (normal voice): Then he kicks off about 500 in a row, with Bobby Goldsboro's musical sphincter lock known as "Honey."

Kelly (horrified):
Oh, God. This is what it's like being home on a Friday night?

(Bud nods)

Peggy:
Well, honey, we're finally alone. I know what will take your mind off that record for a minute - You could make love to me 4 times!

Al:
Peg, when I said I was after an oldie, I meant but a goodie.

Peggy:
Al, must we be the spitbucket in the early round knockout that is your life? As usual, you need professional help. So why don't you call the oldies station - K-FOSSIL - and ask the D.J.?

Al:
I already called. I got Rick Cool himself.

Bud:
Gee, Rick Cool huh? Did Bobby 23 Skidoo quit?

Peggy:
Al, the suspense is boring us. Tell us what he said.

Al:
He said, "The colors. The colors. Has anyone seen my good friend, John," then he lit up a banana and hung up.

Al:
Bud, Bud, come here. Now, listen to this very carefully and tell me the name of the song... "Mmm Mmm him".

Bud:
I don't know what it is Dad, but if you get the name, me and the gang would sure like to boogie to it!

Al:
Get out of my way. (Al pushes Bud aside and sits between Peg and Kelly) Peg, Peg, you're old, you know it... "Mmm Mmm him".

Peggy:
Clip your nose hairs, Al. When you were humming it looked like a squid was trying to reach out and grab the kids.

Kelly:
Daddy, you notice there weren't any garbage cans outside?

Al:
Well, a lot of places these days are into recycling, honey.

Marcy:
Jefferson, just remember that you are a white-collar criminal. (referring to Al): This man, at best, is a ring-around-the-collar criminal. (to Jefferson): Now honey, you don't want to be in league with someone whose greatest accomplishment has been putting shoes on his knees and sneaking into the movies as a child.

Peggy:
Al, I thought you were going to a discount store to get one of those Korean ones. You know, with names almost like real products. Like our "Frigi-Door" refrigerator, our R-C-Hey TV...

Al:
Or my "beauty-fool" wife.

Black Hick:
Dodge is a damn fine car. Ran over muh wife with a Dodge.