Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Season 4

Holt:
Good morning Karly, Tani, looks like you're keeping the machines running smoothly.

Karly:
Whatever.

Holt:
[To himself] Karly will be the first to go.

Jake:
How's the Sheriff?

Amy:
Well, he keeps yelling, "Disability for life!" so I think he's fine.

Boyle:
Jacque rolls his own cigarettes; a habit he picked up from a prostitute in Marseille! But.. that is not all he picked up.

Jake:
Why do all your characters get STDs?!

Boyle:
Because they're living life!

Holt:
Who hired you? Who do you work for, pizza man?!

Holt:
Here's everything you need to know.

Boyle:
It's blank?

Holt:
It's a metaphor! You get nothing, You lose! Good Day, Sir!

Jake:
Well, frankly, I pity the lot of you. You look out there and see a problem, I look out there and see an opportunity. I'm gonna slide on that slippery floor all the way from Holt's office to the elevator.

Diaz:
You're gonna do the F.B.P.!

Jake:
That's right, Rosa. I'm doing the Full Bullpen!

[Jake prepares by stretching. Terry puts on Jake's helmet and Amy kisses Jake before strapping him on.]

Jake:
Here we go.

[When Gina waves the starting flag, Jake slides across the floor to the tune of Starship's "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now". Everyone cheers him on.]

Terry:
[in slow motion] Yes!

[Everyone continues to root for Jake until he arrives at the elevator, which opens. Holt is inside to everyone's horror.]

Boyle, Terry and Diaz:
[in slow motion] Nooooo!!!!

Jake:
[in slow motion] OOOOHHH!!!

Holt:
[in slow motion] What?

Jake:
Hold on, I can't stop!

[Jake collides with Holt and the elevator closes. Everybody cringes. The elevator opens again and Holt and Jake exit. Holt grabs Jake's hand and raises it up.]

Holt:
THE FULL BULLPEN!

Amy:
Okay, we have got to explain this thing to Captain Holt to save their relationship. And you laughed at me when I went to that weekend-long math conference.

Diaz:
Because you called it "Funky Cats and Their Feisty Stats".

Amy:
That was the name! It was so cool!

Diaz:
It was not. Anyway, it's not about the math. They haven't seen each other because of the night shift. They just need to bone.

Amy:
What?! Gross! Rosa, those are our dads! [Diaz is taken aback.] I mean, that's not what I think. Captain Dad is just my boss.

Diaz:
[Diaz is surprised.] Wow.

Amy:
[exasperated] Never mind! I'm teaching Father the math.

[Diaz tilts her head, still surprised and amazed at what she's hearing.]

Amy:
Whatever, Rosa!

[Amy hurriedly leaves, and Diaz still looks on at Amy.]

Holt:
I don't need Monty Hall ruining my place at work when Monty Hall has already ruined my home life.

Diaz:
Come on, sir. The math thing isn't the problem. The night shift is keeping you and Kevin apart. You two just need to bone.

Amy:
[Mortified squeak]

Holt:
What did you say?

Amy:
[whispers] Don't say it again.

Diaz:
I said you two need to bone.

[Amy closes her eyes.]

Holt:
How DARE YOU, DETECTIVE DIAZ. I AM YOUR SUPERIOR OFFICER!

[5 minutes later, Amy is shuddering in her seat, Diaz is apathetic, and Holt is at his doorframe.]

Holt:
BONE!!!!

[10 minutes later]

Holt:
What happens in my bedroom, Detective, is none of your business.

[21 minutes later, Amy is still shuddering in her seat, Diaz is still apathetic, and Holt is bouncing at his doorframe.]

Holt:
BONE??!!

[40 minutes later]

Holt:
Don't ever speak to me like that again.

[Holt leaves, Amy lifts her head to Diaz.]

Amy:
Why did you do that?

Diaz:
Dude was pent up. Now he knows. Problem solved.

Amy:
Oh, Captain! I know you don't wanna talk about Monty Hall, but I did contact a Math professor.

Holt:
No need, Santiago, it's all good.

Amy:
So the fight with Kevin is over?

Holt:
Yup!

Amy:
Because you understand the math now?

Holt:
Nope!

Diaz:
Because you guys...

Holt:
Yup!

Diaz:
I knew it. [Diaz goes to leave but quickly turns back to Amy] See what happened is your dads had sex.

Amy:
[Amy quickly stands up to leave] Okay, Rosa!

Jake:
Hey there, Boyle. How's your weekend?

Boyle:
Well, actually, I got a little sick.

Jake:
Oh, really? I'm sorry to hear that, man.

Boyle:
Yeah, well, Bullets Over Broadway was on TV. I came down with a big old Dianne Wiest infection.

Jake:
[stares impassively]

Boyle:
[continues to smile]

Jake:
[stares impassively]

Boyle:
[continues to smile] ...Like YEAST!

Deputy Commissioner Ultrecht:
Hello. We're here to honor Captain Jason Stentley, who single-handedly brought down a major drug ring. So it is my pleasure to bestow upon him the Medal of Honor. Captain Stentley.

Stentley:
Bestow me, baby! Oh, wow. That's a lotta people. Uh... Baba-booie! Cornholio! That's it for my prepared remarks. Any questions?

Reporter 1:
Will taking down one drug dealer make a big difference in the overall level of drugs moving into the city?

Stentley:
No idea. Next!

Reporter 2:
What's your philosophy for dealing with international narcotics supply chains?

Stentley:
Didn't understand the question. Next!

Reporter 1:
Why was Flaco targeted for this operation?

Stentley:
Okay, there's a question I can answer. Uh, uh- well, it all started because I lost a huge bag of cocaine, so I totally biffed it. Uh-

[Deputy Commissioner Ultrecht commandeers the podium.]

Ultrecht:
Thank you, Captain. That is- that's plenty.

Jake:
That was a train wreck.

Holt:
Yes, he never should've been put in that position. Whoever recommended him for the medal and called all those reporters really messed up. [Smiles]

Jake:
Wait, what are you saying?

Holt:
Oh, nothing. It just seems as if CJ has been... overmined.

Jake:
And you used my made-up word!

Holt:
I did. I hated it, "overmined!" [Sighs] What have I become? Was this whole thing even worth it?

Jake:
It was no snacksident.

Diaz:
So the foot massage place reported $7 million in profit last year. To make that much they'd have had to massage 100 feet an hour, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, for the entire year.

Boyle:
Damn it! We have to shut them down.

Diaz:
Wait. Let's not be hasty about this. Let's think this through. We wanna be smart about this.

Boyle:
Right. What if we bust them tonight, and then tomorrow, I'm chasing a murderer, and I'm about to get him and my foot cramps up?

Diaz:
Due to lack of massaging.

Boyle:
Then the murderer gets away!

Diaz:
Know who he kills next? The Mayor.

Boyle:
Oh, my God. The City has no mayor now.

Diaz:
It's chaos. Rioting, looting, panic in the streets.

Boyle:
They gotta call in the National Guard, there's tanks rolling down Fifth Avenue, declaring martial law!

Diaz:
All because we shut down a foot massage place.

Boyle:
That was doing God's work! What were we thinking?

Diaz:
So it's agreed. We let them stay open, for the sake of the city.

Boyle:
For the sake of the city.

[They sit for a few moments.]

Diaz:
We have to do our stupid jobs, don't we?

Boyle:
Yeah, let me get my stupid gun.

Diaz:
NYPD! Get down on the comfortable matted floor!

Boyle:
Put your magical hands where I can see them!

Diaz:
You're under arrest for ruining something perfect!

Boyle:
And money laundering.

Diaz:
Yes, money laundering! Whatever!

[Doug Judy, the Pontiac Bandit, and his foster brother George have Jake and Holt at gunpoint.]

Jake:
What the hell, Judy? I thought we were friends!

Doug Judy:
I don't know why you thought that.

Jake:
Because you kept saying we were! We had hard plans to go to Niagara Falls!

George Judy:
So bro, you friends with this cop?

Doug Judy:
No. This thirsty-ass bitch just desperate for attention.

Jake:
"Thirsty-ass bitch"? Okay, Captain, now I know you're gonna step in to defend me.

Holt:
Well, you were begging me to compliment you earlier.

Jake:
Oh, my God, this is the worst day of my life! Where's Charles?

George Judy:
So if you're not friends, you won't mind if I waste 'im, right?

Jake:
Of course he minds! I mean, sure, we're enemies, but in a playful way. Like Tom and Jerry. Oh, my God, was Tom trying to eat Jerry? My whole life is a lie!

Doug Judy:
Shoot 'im.

Jake:
No, no, no! Those can't be my last words! Uh, ¡ay, caramba!

[George Judy pulls the trigger, but his pistol dry-fires.]

George Judy:
The hell?

[Doug Judy slams his pistol into his foster brother's head, knocking him out.]

Doug Judy:
Whoops. Looks like someone forgot to put bullets in his brother's gun.

Holt:
I just got off the phone with the D.A. And for aiding in the capture of George Judy, you have officially been granted immunity from all your past crimes.

Doug Judy:
So I'm a free man?

Holt:
[Nods] Mm.

[Doug Judy leans back and takes in his first breath as a free man.]

Doug Judy:
Nope. Still smells the same.

Jake:
I'm sorry that I doubted you. But you did drive off with the guy we were chasing.

Doug Judy:
Had to. I saw he was about to get away, so I tricked him into thinking I was on his side. It's crazy how good I am at your job.

Holt:
Look, I owe you both an apology. Doug Judy, I underestimated your honesty. And Peralta, I underestimated your instincts.

Jake:
Yeah, I'm gonna need a lot more from you than that.

Holt:
Fine. You're a good cop, even if you are a thirsty-ass bitch.

Jake:
Wow. Solve a pretty intense murder and just crap all over me.

Doug Judy:
Hey, Cap'n, got you a little somethin'-somethin'. [Pulls the cover off a nearby car, revealing a red 1963 Chevrolet Corvair Monza Spyder convertible.]

Holt:
Gertie?

Doug Judy:
Nope. But she is the same make, model, and color.

Holt:
Oh, my God, you stole this! I can't be seen driving a stolen-

Doug Judy:
Relax, man. I bought this at a used car lot for, like, $600. This is not a nice vehicle.

Jake:
Yeah, it's not.

Doug Judy:
And by the way, her name's not Gertie. It's Sexarella.

Holt:
Hello, Sexarella.

Jake:
So, what's next for you, Doug Judy?

Doug Judy:
Turning over a new leaf. I'm gonna live that honest life. Maybe open up a bakery, buy a little house, invest in my retirement.

Jake:
You're gonna go back to stealing cars immediately, aren't you?

Doug Judy:
That's very much on the table, yeah.

Jake:
And when you do, I'm gonna be there to stop you.

Doug Judy:
No, you won't.

Jake:
Yes, I will.

Doug Judy:
No, you won't.

Jake:
Yes, I will.

Doug Judy:
I'm gonna miss you, man.

Jake:
So what was it like getting hit by a bus?

Gina:
It was awesome.

Jake:
I knew it! I always wanted to get hit by a bus.

Gina:
Yeah, I mean, I was legally dead for two full minutes. And I met God.

Diaz:
Tight. What does She look like?

Gina:
Ethnically ambiguous.

Diaz:
Are they gonna be looking at our desks? Also, unrelated, someone left a bunch of swords at my desk.

Hitchcock:
I have a similar question about browser history.

Holt:
Just throw your computer away.

Hitchcock:
Roger that.

Boyle:
There is nothing gendered about a sexy cat. Now, please hand me that jar of wolf pee I rub on my kid.

Veronica:
All right, everyone. As you know, the NYPD intends to shutter one precinct in Brooklyn. I'll be evaluating the 9-9 and sending my findings to the Deputy Commissioner. Any questions?

Terry:
Yeah. Veronica, are you sure you're the best person for the job, given your and my...

Boyle:
Sexual past?

Terry:
[visibly annoyed] Thank you, Detective Boyle.

Veronica:
Sergeant Jeffords, don't be silly. I won't let our past interfere with my assessment in any way, whatsoever.

Holt:
Well, that's certainly good to hear.

Veronica:
I mean, sure, it took me years of intense therapy to get over, and it's given me a fear of intimacy that has affected every subsequent relationship. But that does not mean that I cannot remain unbiased.

Jake:
The way you say that, it kind of makes it sound like you actually are biased.

Veronica:
[Menacingly] I have no idea what you mean. That is all.

Veronica:
Terrence.

Terry:
Veronica, I'm sorry for how I handled our breakup back in the day. I was trying to be a good guy. To be nice. But sometimes, to be nice someone means you have to be honest with them. Even if it hurts their feelings.

Veronica:
Thank you for saying that.

Terry:
Now, you don't have to forgive me. But could you please at least give the Precinct a shot?

Veronica:
I would love to do that!

Terry:
Oh, thank you so much!

Veronica:
Except I already turned in my report.

Terry:
Oh. Was it- positive?

Veronica:
No. It was real bad.

Terry:
I see you filming, Linetti! What's in the yogurt?

Gina:
Normal stuff. Nothing you'd use to make a sidewalk with.

Holt:
Attention, squad. I just got word from Peralta and Boyle.

Amy:
Did they make their bust? Did they save the precinct?

Holt:
No, they decided to bring in a bigger fish. They're not gonna make the hearing.

Diaz:
So Jake's doing the right thing instead of the selfish thing? [To Amy] You did this to him.

Holt:
Look, I know we want this precinct to survive, but I'm proud of them. Loyalty to your friends and fellow officers is important, but what's more important is our loyalty to this city, and its citizens. I guess what I'm trying to say is... let's go get drunk.

[The detectives are meeting at a bar after the 99th Precinct was saved at the last minute]

Holt:
Apparently the community came to our aid. There was a swell of online support orchestrated by an organization called "Ginazone".

Gina:
I think you mean "Ginazon". I was behind the bar the whole time. Another great Gina Linetti entrance.

Bartender:
I told you- you can't be back here.

Gina:
And I told you- I already am!

Jake:
What did you do?

Gina:
I was live-streaming a prank when Captain Holt made his big speech about how you did the right thing for the city. I guess people were moved, they were like, "What can we do to help?" and I said "Call the Commissioner's office."

Jake:
The G-Hive is real! I can't believe you did it! Gina, you're a legend! To the Nine-Nine!

Holt, Terry, Scully, Hitchcock, Amy, Diaz, Boyle:
To the Nine-Nine!

[Everyone drinks the toast but immediately spits out the beer bottles' contents.]

Gina:
[live-streaming the prank with her phone] Y'ALL JUST DRANK CEMEEEEENT!

Holt':
I want to show you a picture from last night that really upset me.

Jake:
Okay, but in my defense Rosa bet me fifty cents I couldn't drink all that shampoo.

Holt:
That's not what I want- you drank shampoo?

Jake:
What? No. You're the one farting bubbles.

Holt:
Do you know what disappoints me most about this picture? That I'm not in it. I can't remember the last time I saw the 9-9 so happy. And I wasn't there.

Jake:
Because you were working on the presentation, to get us a win.

Holt:
Yeah, well, it wasn't a real win. I wish I'd been in that photo.

Jake:
I know. And I'm sorry you didn't have more fun this weekend. But it's not over. And we are still in Rochester.

Holt:
What are you saying?

Jake:
I think you know what I'm saying.

Boyle:
[after seeing Amy with an unusual hairdo] Jake, what's going on? Why is Amy's hair like that?

Jake:
Oh, she obsessively braids her hair when she's nervous, and she's super nervous 'cause she's taking the sergeant's exam today.

Diaz:
So she's stress-braiding. Big deal. That's like a one on the Santiago panic scale.

Jake:
Yeah, but we've also jumped up to level two: creepily singing songs from The Great American Songbook. [In a flashback, Amy sits up creepily singing "You're a Grand Old Flag" while Jake lies awake listening.] So, yeah, it's a little tough right now, but I think the worst is behind us.

Amy:
WHY ARE YOU TAKING SO LONG TO COOK MY FRICKIN' OATMEAL?!

[Amy picks up the microwave, throws it on the floor, pulls out her collapsible baton, and starts beating and stomping the microwave.]

Jake:
She'll be okay.

Jake:
Ocampo got away. [Looks at one of the two men Diaz has caught] What happened to him?

Diaz:
Dumb-dumb tried to jump down the stairs. Shattered his ankle. Foot's all floppy.

Jake:
Great. Let's get 'em back to the 9-9, see if Floppy Foot and his friend know where our man's hiding.

Melanie Hawkins:
They don't know anything. They're undercover cops.

Diaz:
Crap, that's Lieutenant Melanie Hawkins.

Jake:
I know; she's literally my hero. Hello, Lieutenant Hawkins!

Hawkins:
You idiots just ruined a three-month operation.

Jake:
My name is Detective Ignatius Pettyfeather IX! That's I-G- [Hawkins gives him a look of disgust and walks away.] Nacious...

Diaz:
This place is awesome. I've always wanted to work in a covert facility.

Jake:
I know; we're in a black site, Rosa. I bet they have some awesome name for it.

Hawkins:
Welcome to The Slaughterhouse.

Jake:
Told ya. Hey, listen- we know you told us to stop looking for Ocampo, but we figured we'd find him for you, try and make things right.

Hawkins:
It's all good. I'm not mad. I checked out your files; you guys do good stuff. I think you guys might be our best option at finding this guy again. You think you can do that?

Diaz:
Can a paring knife remove a human heart in under a minute?

Hawkins:
Yes. I've seen it happen.

Jake:
Lucky.

Hawkins:
So, why don't you both come back tomorrow and we'll start working this together? And who knows- if you find the guy, I got an open spot on my squad. Maybe one of you could fill it.

Jake:
Or, maybe one of us could fill it.

Hawkins:
Excuse me?

Jake:
What you said, better. Rosa, leave now?

Diaz:
What's up?

Jake:
So, not sure if Paxton told you, but we brought in a perp earlier.

Diaz:
Good-looking guy, weird energy.

Hawkins:
Yeah, did you get anything?

Jake:
No, he didn't know jack. But we surprisingly noticed that there was a camera in the room.

Diaz:
And we really need that footage.

Hawkins:
Why?

Jake:
Let's just say, in the course of questioning him, he may have accidentally fallen down a couple of times.

Diaz:
He's real clumsy.

Jake:
If the wrong person saw that tape, they might get the wrong idea.

Hawkins:
You know, I saw the tape. And it was shocking- how clumsy that guy actually was.

Jake:
Right?

Hawkins:
And you know the funny thing is, I meant to save the file, but I deleted it by accident.

Diaz:
Guess we're all a little clumsy.

Jake:
Yes, indeed. I stepped on my omelette this morning. Not pertinent. Let's continue with our covert conversation.

Hawkins:
You know, a bunch of us are going out drinking tonight. You wanna come?

Jake:
I should warn you- me and Rosa go pretty hard.

Hawkins:
Great; bring some coke.

NYPD Officer:
NYPD! Hands up! Weapons down!

Jake:
Great work, boys. We're cops. Wait, where's Captain Holt?

NYPD Officer:
Who's Captain Holt? I don't know a Captain Holt.

Jake:
We're NYPD officers; this is an undercover operation.

Hawkins:
That's a lie, Peralta. You're the Golden Gang. We've been onto you for weeks, and we finally got you.

Jake:
Hawkins? How did you get over there? Who are they?

Hawkins:
You tell me. They're your crew.

[NYPD officers take off the masks of two robbers wearing the same type clothing and masks as Jake and Rosa.]

Robber:
They got us, Jake. It's over.

Jake:
I've never seen them before! What is going on?

Hawkins:
Good job, everyone! We finally got the Golden Gang! [Approaches Jake, turns him around to handcuff him] I can't believe you thought you were gonna take me down.

Jake:
You're not gonna get away with this!

Hawkins:
Oh, I already did. And Captain Holt won't be able to get you out of this one.

Amy:
Paris sounds fun! Or, we could just go someplace we can actually afford.

Jake:
Oh, we can afford it. Don't forget I robbed a bank. Sitting on $26 million, baby!

Judge Marinovich:
[Stops while walking by] Excuse me?

Amy:
He's kidding!

Jake:
Yeah, I'm innocent. Not guilty. I'll see you when we get in there. [Marinovich gives him a strange look and leaves.] Nice talking to you, Judge...

Holt:
Diaz, I've been calling you. Why won't you answer your phone?

Diaz:
Don't have it. Charged it and stuck it on a truck headed west.

Holt:
What's with the suitcase?

Diaz:
Going to Malaysia.

Holt:
You're going to Malaysia?

Diaz:
No, the suitcase is going to Malaysia. I'm getting on a bus to Florida.

Holt:
What's in Florida?

Diaz:
Airport. I'm flying to Argentina.

Holt:
This is very complicated.

Diaz:
Thank you. Adrian has a ranch in the Andes where he goes when he's on the run. He's already there, getting rid of the scorpions. Or... adding more scorpions. I don't know, the reception was real bad.

Holt:
Diaz, I know you're scared. But things are starting to turn around. We're on the money trail, and we just found a new lead.

Diaz:
With all due respect, sir, we both know that none of that is gonna pan out. And you said yourself that I should take action. So I am. In Argentina, surrounded by scorpions. Or not surrounded by scorpions. I'll find out when I get there.

Holt:
Look, I know you're innocent, but fleeing the country is a crime. I could arrest you right here!

Diaz:
Do it, then. [Holt stares at her but does nothing] I didn't think so. [Tosses Holt an apartment key] The mortgage is paid off. You can give the place to whoever you want. I don't care. Actually, I do care. Don't give it to Hitchcock.

Amy:
Jake! Jake! This was a mistake; we have to get Langdon off the stand now!

Jake:
What? Why?

Sam Miller:
[Questioning Matthew Langdon, who is on the witness stand] And how would you describe the Lieutenant?

Amy:
He works for Hawkins! He put the money in the accounts!

Jake:
Oh, no.

Langdon:
Melanie Hawkins was the most honorable cop I ever worked with. And the only reason that I am here is because of that man- Jake Peralta. He offered me $300,000 to lie and say that she set 'em up.

Jake:
[To Diaz] Okay, this is bad. This is really bad. But just remember: we are not going to jail. We didn't do it. We're innocent.

[Cut to the Jury Foreman delivering the jury's verdict]

Jury Foreman:
Guilty on all charges.