Desperate Housewives, Season Two

Bree:
"(calmly) I have some news. Rex died."

Betty:
"(to Bree) We widows have to stick together."

Matthew:
"I was just trying to cover up."

Betty:
"I know you were but next time leave the cleverness to me."

Carlos:
"I can't believe you had an affair."

Gabrielle:
"Well you tampering with my birth control pills was a lot worse than that."

Carlos:
"We're not very nice people are we?"

Gabrielle:
"No."

Carlos:
"When we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy."

Gabrielle:
"Me too. But look on the bright side. At least we're still rich."

Carlos:
"Thank God for that."

(Susan, Lynette, & Gabrielle are wondering why Bree is acting so calm about Rex's death)

Bree:
"I can't afford to break down right now."

Gabrielle:
"Why?"

(Rex's mother, Phyllis, comes around in a taxi sobbing)

Bree:
"You're about to find out."

(Phyllis has been rude to Bree)

Bree:
"You are no longer invited to the funeral."

Phyllis Van De Kamp:
"What?!?"

Bree:
"I will have security guards at the door of the church with sticks and they will be assigned to beat you with those sticks if you do so much as enter."

Reverend Sikes:
"Bree, this is your grief talking."

Bree:
"Reverend, if you don't back me up on this, I will take the funeral away from your church."

Reverend Sikes:
"Bree!"

Bree:
"I'm not kidding. I will get non-denominational so fast it will make your head spin."

Andrew:
"Mom, Grandma's leaving."

Bree:
"I know. She's been uninvited to the funeral."

Andrew:
"Why?"

Bree:
"If only you heard all the nasty things she said to me."

Andrew:
"Look, I'm sure she was a real bitch, but she's family, so that makes her our bitch. Let her say goodbye to Dad."

Danielle:
"(crying) Mom, if you don't invite Grandma to the funeral I'll never forgive you!"

Andrew:
(to Danielle) "Did I ask for your help? (back to Bree) I'm sure Dad would've wanted her there."

Bree:
(to Rex's corpse) "You look magnificent."

Gabrielle:
"Be careful, Carlos. Up until now, I've been really lonely in that big bed of ours, but when you're rude to me, it makes me wanna be not so lonely."

Carlos:
"Comments like that are exactly why you'll never again have access to my money."

Gabrielle:
"Why are all rich men jerks?"

Carlos:
"Same reason all beautiful women are bitches."

(pause)

Carlos:
"So, same time tomorrow?"

Gabrielle:
"Sure, baby."

Susan:
"What do you mean, you know?"

Julie:
"I mean, I know."

Susan:
"What are you saying, that your father actually told you he was gonna be having a one night stand with Edie Britt?"

Julie:
"Uh, mom, this wasn't a one night stand. He's been going out with Mrs. Britt for a few months now."

Susan:
"What?! How could you not tell me that? We share everything. That's what we're known for. That's our thing."

Julie:
"Because I knew you'd wig out. Besides, haven't you always told me to respect people's privacy?"

Susan:
"Oh, I've never applied that concept to your father's sex life, and you know it."

Julie:
"Are you done?"

Susan:
"No! I have not even begun ripping into Edie Britt yet. Oh, that peroxide vulture. As know as sure as I am standing here that she went after your father just to tick me off."

Julie:
"Wrong again."

Susan:
"What?"

Julie:
"He asked her out."

Susan:
"You lie."

Julie:
"It's true. He called her for a date six months ago. The day after my birthday party."

Susan:
"The one at the piano bar?"

Julie:
"Yeah. What is it?"

Susan:
"Oh, um... Your father just came over that day and told me some stuff. You know, some stuff that I haven't, and can't tell you."

Julie:
"Wait, whatever happened to 'We share everything'? Isn't that our thing, what we're known for?"

Susan:
"Um, actually, I think what we're known for is sharing clothes. Yeah, I think that's our thing."

Gabrielle:
(heard from Carlos about a guy demanding money) "Honey, I think this is a mistake. If we give in to extortion, the guy's just gonna keep coming back for more money."

Carlos:
"What choice do I have?"

Gabrielle:
"You're a strong guy. You went to college on an athletic scholarship, for God's sakes."

Carlos:
"Yeah. It was for golf!"

Susan:
"I'm all for Julie spending time with Karl. He is still her dad, and she loves him."

Mike:
"But..."

Susan:
"But he's with Edie! I mean, she's not exactly the maternal type. I wouldn't be a good mother if I wasn't concerned. I mean, who knows what passes for a kid-friendly, good time in there? Drugs? Porn? Smoking?"

Bree:
"My husband died of a heart attack. I loved him deeply. And your mother did a lousy job."

Gabrielle:
"Say what you want, but John Rowland loved me like no one ever has. Not as a trophy or as a possession, but for me. He loved me."

(Carlos laughs at her)

Gabrielle:
"No, he really did. Let me count the ways. Um, gently, savagely, frequently, upside down..."

Lynette:
"And I'm sorry about your hair. I can see why you're upset."

Bree:
"Would you two please stop looking at me like that?! Obviously, I did not kill your father. I loved him deeply."

Susan:
"Well, what makes you so sure that I don't have a talent?"

Edie:
"Hmm. Just a hunch."

Susan:
"Yeah, well we've all seen your talent, which is a nice way of telling you, why don't you put some curtains on your bedroom window?"

Julie:
"Guys!"

Edie:
"Oh, come on. Be honest, you didn't want any part of this until you found out that I was involved."

Susan:
"That is so not true!"

Edie:
"Oh, yes it is. It burns you that your own daughter picked me over you."

Susan:
"She did not pick you. It just didn't occur to her that I would agree to do it. Well, now she knows, and she had it to do over again, she'd pick me."

Edie:
"No, she wouldn't."

Susan:
"Well, why don't we put it to a test? Julie, who would you rather have play with you?"

Julie:
"Oh, no, no, no, no."

Susan:
"No, it's okay, honey. Who do you want to be with you in the 'family' talent show?"

Edie:
"Yes, who do you want with you in front of all of those people? And remember, it's a church. They are going to be judging you."

Julie:
"Ohh... okay. Well, first of all, you both suck, but if I had to choose... I guess I'd pick my mom. Sorry, Edie."

Edie:
"Fair enough. I'd like my pitch pipe back, please."

Edie:
"Oh, give me a break! This thing has, like, 90 flats in it."

Lynette:
"And you don't find it odd that Parker's new friend made her appearance right at the time I went back to work?"

Tom:
"Kids have imaginary friends. It's no big deal."

Lynette:
"I'll agree with you to a point, when they're flying kangaroos or giant robots, not surrogate mommies."

Tom:
"Hey. Parker is having a little trouble adjusting. That's all. Apparently, so are you. Honey, don't be so sensitive."

Lynette:
"I hope you're right. At the risk of sounding too sensitive, how come she gets a bigger portion?"

Mike:
"Uh, Susan?"

Susan:
"Yeah?"

Mike:
"Technically, we don't have to be casual anymore."

Susan:
"I can be naked in 20 seconds. That includes travel time."

Gabrielle:
"You and I need to get laid! (everyone in the visiting room looks at her, astonished) Oh, don't judge me. You're not here because you got caught helping the poor."

Bree:
"I'll be serving dinner tomorrow night at 7. Please don't be late."

Andrew:
"I'm sorry, but I already have plans."

Bree:
"Andrew, don't you have a meet at the swim club?"

Andrew:
"Yeah, so?"

Bree:
"Doesn't it require a large entrance fee, one that you can't afford by yourself?"

Andrew:
"Are you blackmailing me into coming to dinner?"

Bree:
"Oh, you don't know the lengths I'd go to for even seating."

Tom:
"Okay, listen. Don't worry about it. I'm sure Mrs. Mulberry's around here somewhere."

Lynette:
"Or, uh, maybe she's not. She could've left. You know... Maybe she had some other little boy that she needed to help."

Parker:
"Like who?"

Lynette:
"I don't know, it could be a little boy in, uh... England... named Spencer?"

Tom:
"Lynette?"

Lynette:
"I mean, this is conjecture on my part. But it is possible that someone like little Spencer needs Mrs. Mulberry more, because he doesn't have a daddy and a mommy who love him. Yeah, that's it. He's a orphan. with no hands! Okay?" (Tom's face becoming dark)

Lynette:
"(crying) Because of me, my son's imaginary friend got crushed by a garbage truck. I am the worst person in the world."

Tom:
"Honey, he is going to get over this in no time. Trust me. And one day when he is all grown up, you and Parker are going to laugh hysterically about this."

Lynette:
"You really think so? Really?"

Tom:
"I promise."

Carlos:
"Is that the baby's head?"

Gabrielle:
"No, that's his foot."

Carlos:
"That looks like a head to me."

Gabrielle:
"Well, that settles it. When this baby's born, I'll be in charge of putting on the socks."

Bree:
"Well, I have some good news. The police have finally released Rex's body."

Gabrielle:
"About time."

Susan:
"You must be so relieved."

Bree:
"You know, mostly I'm just annoyed that the whole thing happened in the first place. I mean, how in the world could anybody accuse me of murder?"

Edie:
"Well, you are wound pretty tight. (everyone looks at her) What? The supermom is always first to snap. They've done studies."

Bree:
"Anyway, I was... I was hoping that you are were free friday morning because that's when I'm going to be hosting the reburial."

Gabrielle:
"The what?"

Bree:
"Look, I know it's an imposition, but Danielle is away on a class trip, and Andrew is back at the Camp Hennessey for a little refresher course. Well, it's just gonna be a very brief and dignified ceremony and I was hoping that you could say a few words, and, um, I'm gonna read a poem."

Gabrielle:
"We would love to come."

Susan:
"Absolutely."

(Bree stands up and leaves her seat, and Susan looks at Edie rushing her answer)

Edie:
"I'm busy. Sorry."

Susan:
"Edie!"

Edie:
"She's going to read a poem!"

(Susan kicks Edie under the table)

Edie:
"Ouch!! Fine! Yes, yes, we'd all love to come."

Counselor:
"This is your third group session, but you have yet to share anything. Come on, talk to us. How's your marriage?"

Gabrielle:
"Shaky, at best."

Counselor:
"And why is that?"

Gabrielle:
"I don't know. I hired a brilliant lawyer to get my husband out of this hellhole, and he fired him for no reason at all."

Counselor:
"Carlos?"

Carlos:
"I just didn't like him."

Gabrielle:
"Why not? He's experienced, he's intelligent, he's successful."

Carlos:
"Exactly! I'd prefer an attorney you didn't find so damn appealing."

Gabrielle:
"Oh, my god. You fired him because you're jealous?"

Carlos:
"Don't I have the right to? You know, she cheated on me."

(Bob, who was also there having a group session, gasps)

Gabrielle:
"Oh, Bob. You beat your wife. You are so not allowed to gasp."

Lisa:
"Don't you talk that way to him!"

Gabrielle:
"One more word out of you, Lisa, and I will backhand you myself."

Counselor:
"Okay, calm down."

Carlos:
"Thousands of fat, bald attorneys out there in the world, and she's gotta get the one that looks like an underwear model."

Gabrielle:
"I'm not discussing this anymore. You can rot in here for all I care."

Counselor:
"So, um... Mona, what do you feel are the biggest problems in your marriage?"

Gabrielle:
(interrupting) "By the way, he was wearing a suit. How do you know he had a good body?!"

Carlos:
"Do you know?"

Gabrielle:
"No!"

Mona's Husband:
"I bet he's hot."

(everyone stops what they were doing)

Mona:
"Do I need to say what our biggest problem is, or can everybody figure it out for themselves?"

Bree:
"My husband, the man I spent my life with for 18 years, died thinking that I murdered him."

Susan:
"What?"

Bree:
"Yes, the cardiologist shared this monoric theory with Rex. And Rex believed him!"

Gabrielle:
"Are you sure?"

Bree:
"Yes, because he left a note and it said, and I quote, 'Bree, I understand. And I forgive you.' I spent 18 years of my life with this man. How could he not know me?"

Edie:
"Well, maybe he was forgiving you for something else?"

Bree:
(exploding) "I HAVE DONE NOTHING TO BE FORGIVEN FOR! I was a fantastic wife! When he was sick, I nursed him. When we were low on money, I stayed within a budget. I cooked his meals. I mended his clothes. For the love of god, I used to check his back for acne. And that miserable son of a bitch has the nerve to understand and forgive me? Well, the joke's on him, because I do not understand, and I do not forgive.

Mary Alice (voiceover):
Why do we try to define people as simply good or simply evil? Because no one wants to admit that compassion and cruelty can exist side-by-side in one heart. And that anyone is capable of anything.

Ferrara:
So, the pig actually eats the bacon?

Tom Scavo:
Uh, huh, yeah.

Ed Ferrara:
I don't see the client doing a happy dance over the whole cannibalism theme.

Lynette Scavo:
Well, Tom, why don't you pitch him the other idea you came up with last night. You know the one where people love bacon so much they want to keep it a secret.

Ed Ferrara:
What like a secret underground society of bacon eaters?

Tom Scavo:
More like my college fraternity, where, you know, everybody wanted in, but we only took the coolest guys.

Ed Ferrara:
You were Greek?

Tom Scavo:
Alpha Tau Omega.

Ed Ferrara:
I was Phi Kap.

Tom Scavo:
You?

Ed Ferrara:
And I don't remember you having to be that cool to pledge ATO.

Tom Scavo:
Look, if I had a nickel for every Phi Kap that I tied to a freeway sign.

Ed Ferrara:
Scavo, if you were my pledge, I would've made you my bitch.

Carlos:
What, so you don't get what you want, you just walk off and pout?

Gabrielle:
Oh, this isn't about me. This is about our great nation, and I have no intention of statisfying a man who isn't willing to stand up for and help spread the ideas and values of the United States of America.

Bree:
Well, I didn't wanna come here because I was afraid it would drudge up memories of my husband. This was our place. Rex passed away recently. He was, um, murdered by our pharmacist.

Frank:
Wow. I hope you changed pharmacists.

Bree:
I didn't have to. He committed suicide.

Carlos:
[about Gabrielle's mother] I think your hatred for her is clouding your judgment.

Gabrielle:
Maybe, but you don't know her like I do.

Carlos:
Okay. You ran away from home fifteen years ago. Did you ever think to talk to her about the stuff that happened between you and your step-dad?

Gabrielle:
It wouldn't have done any good.

Carlos:
How do you know that?

Gabrielle:
Because she knew exactly what was going on with Alejandro and she chose to look the other way.

Carlos:
But you never even gave her a chance to step up. You just ran away from home.

Gabrielle:
[in tears] Because if I did, then she, we, there was a chance she wouldn't have believed me, and, and that would've hurt a lot worse than anything he ever did to me.

Bree:
The opposite of love isn't hate. It's indifference. And if you hate me, that means you still care, and we're still connected... and I still have a chance to set you right.

Carlos:
Gaby, these pictures have to be wholesome. They gotta say 'these people will do a great job raising a child.

Gabrielle:
So?

Carlos:
So, you're topless.

Gabrielle:
Yeah, but it's St. Barts and your hands are covering my naughty parts.

Carlos:
Do you mean the hand that's holding the tequila shot, or the one that's holding the Cuban cigar?

Gabrielle:
Yeah, that was a good trip.

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel:
Time to check your blood pressure.

Susan:
Oh, sure. Oh, that's a little tight. Does it have to be that tight?

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel:
Yes.

Susan:
Oh. Okay. Ow, ow. That's actually starting to be painful.

Nurse Ruth Ann Heisel:
Really? That surprises me. I just assumed you were dead inside.

Bree:
Perception is reality, Andrew. And if people perceive me to have a drinking problem, then I do. And I certainly don't want some idiotic judge using my hobby as an excuse to make you rich. So I'm simply going to give up my wine and become a recovering alcoholic.

Andrew:
Good plan, but it'll never work. See, I'll bet you still end up coming to court hammered.

Bree:
Oh, Andrew, you don't think I love you enough to give up alcohol?

Andrew:
Look, I'm seventeen, all right? So, you can only keep me here for another year. Why not just let me go?

Bree:
Because I'm not done with you yet. It's my job to teach you and you are not half the man I know you can be.

Andrew:
Yeah, well, I got news for you. This is as good as I'm gonna get.

Bree:
If I really thought that, I'd get a gun right now and kill us both.

Gabrielle:
I'm the one who was sleeping with your son, but it's over now.

Helen Rowland:
No. You're wrong. It's not even close to being over.

[Parker is coloring]

Lynette:
Sweety could you put the crayons down for a second, we need to talk. I talked to your teacher today and she told me about the cookie deal you made with Cindy Lou.

Parker Scavo:
Oh, are you mad?

Lynette:
[laughs uncomfortably] No, not exactly, I'm trying to understand why you did that.

Parker Scavo:
[Innocently] Tommy Keenan told me babies come from down there, that doesn't sound right to me.

Lynette:
Well, actually he's kinda right, he's got the concept down.

Parker Scavo:
[Innocently confused] That's weird! How does a baby get in there?

Lynette:
Daddy will be home from his business trip in a few days, why don't you wait for him?

Parker Scavo:
OK. Or I can ask Tommy's brother. He's fourteen and he knows everything!

[Parker looks skeptical as Lynette draws a picture]

Lynette:
... And then the mommy and the daddy because they love each other so much, they hug real tight, and a seed is magically implanted and nine months later a baby is born.

Parker Scavo:
What kind of seed?

Lynette:
Oh, that's not important.

Parker Scavo:
I don't believe you!

Lynette:
Parker I'm your mother. Mother's don't lie to their sons. Now go wash your hands or Santa's not gonna bring you anything for Christmas.

Dr. Goldfine:
"So the hives occured right after you kissed George."

Bree:
"Yes. It was the strangest thing. And so inconvenient. To be honest, I think we were about to make love for the first time."

Dr. Goldfine:
"Bree, have you considered the idea that your subconscious mind was trying to sabotage your evening with George?"

Bree:
"Actually, I have not considered that, because that's... idiotic."

Dr. Goldfine:
"You don't think that being with George made you feel a bit guilty?"

Bree:
"Why should I feel guilty?"

Dr. Goldfine:
"Perhaps you felt you were about to commit adultery."

Bree:
"Dr. Goldfine, Rex is dead. You can't cheat on a corpse."

Dr. Goldfine:
"Maybe that's not how you really feel deep down."

Bree:
"Oh, so you think I'm crazy?"

Dr. Goldfine:
"You say you got a case of hives for no reason. I think there is a reason, and it's probably a psychosomatic one."

Bree:
"You can think whatever you want, but to be honest, I don't believe in the subconscious."

Dr. Goldfine:
"Every time you've said 'Rex' in this session, you stroked the place where your wedding ring used to be. Why did you do that?"

David:
"What the hell is this? I thought I told you to dress maternal."

Gabrielle:
"Yes, you did, and I considered it for about a second."

David:
"What happened?"

Gabrielle:
"David, I know you're the lawyer and all, but if you ask me, it's never a smart strategy to cover this up."

David:
"We've got 40 minutes before the pre-trial hearing. Let's go home and get you changed."

Gabrielle:
"What?!"

David:
"You want to get your husband out of jail? Got to dress like a pregnant, suffering wife, not the cover of Vogue."

David:
"You're not willing to get a divorce but you're willing to have an affair?"

Gabrielle:
"I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic."

Edie:
"Well, someone may as well say it. Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?

Eugene Beale:
Libby's a pole dancer in a strip club.

Gabrielle:
Oh! Wow, that, that sounds like interesting work.

Libby:
You'd think so, but it gets old quickly. My big dream is to become a choreographer.

Carlos:
Really?

Libby:
Yeah. I made up this one move. It's called the serpent's tongue, and all the girls at the club are doing it now. It's so cool. If I had a pole I could show you.

Carlos:
Well, we'll have to go down to the club and check that out. We'll make a night of it.

Susan:
I need you to ditch Edie tomorrow night and have dinner with Dr. Ron and me.

Karl:
Now why would I do that?

Susan:
Well, for starters, because you banged your secretary and you owe me for the rest of your life.

Karl:
I'll bring the wine.

Bree:
Well, I'm still appalled that you're helping my son with this ridiculous emancipation scheme, but you are a guest in my house and guests get sandwiches.

Andrew Van De Kamp:
You know, if you'd let me go to his office, you wouldn't have to pretend to be nice to him.

Bree:
Andrew, there may be a judge out there stupid enough to emancipate you, but until you find him, I retain all my parental rights. One of which is to ground your sorry behind until kingdom come.. Mr. Bormanis, nice to see you again, and, um, please don't get crumbs on my carpet.

Carlos:
That was our lawyer. Libby rejected us as parents.

Gabrielle:
Why?

Gabrielle:
What? That's discrimination. It's illegal. We could have her arrested.

Carlos:
It's her baby. She can do whatever the hell she wants to with it. Damn it.

Gabrielle:
No! No, you don't just toss people aside because of the color of their skin.

Carlos:
We tossed those birth mothers aside because of their appearance.

Gabrielle:
Well, that's different.

Carlos:
Why?

Gabrielle:
Because I've read the constitution and it does not protect ugly people.