Everybody Hates Chris, Season 2

Louise:
Stay away from my granddaughter, you cockeyed hooligan!

Narrator:
Turns out older women didn't like me, either.

Drew:
So, do you miss Keisha?

Narrator:
You mean, do I miss being rejected, ignored and humiliated?

Chris:
Yeah, sort of.

Narrator:
After getting put down by Keisha and stood up by Yvette, I was through having crushes on girls in the neighborhood, and I meant it.

Narrator:
Keisha was the first girl I ever really cared about. Even though she never really cared about me, when I found out her family was moving, I was sad to see her go.

Chris:
Hey. Where y'all movin' to?

Keisha:
We're going to this place in California. It's supposed to be really, really nice. Palm trees and lawns, no violence, and no crime.

Chris:
Well, what's it called?

Keisha:
Compton.

Narrator:
I always wondered how that worked out for them.

[in Compton, California]

Man:
[off-screen] Bust a cap in 'em! [the Ridenhours' rear window shatters, implying someone shot through it]

Mr. Ridenhour:
Get down, Keisha! Get down, girl, get down!

Narrator:
My father hated seeming weak. He wouldn't admit to have a headache if he had a hatchet in his head.

Rochelle:
Julius, you are not fine, OK? You're sick.

Julius:
I'm fine.

Rochelle:
No you're not. You're sick.

Julius:
I'm good.

Rochelle:
No you're not.

Julius:
I'm OK.

Rochelle:
No, you're trying to die.

Julius:
I'm good, OK? Everything, good.

Rochelle:
OK, Mr. "I'm Good."

Julius:
[to Rochelle] You lost $10? That's $10 worth of dollars!

Narrator:
Diduyin't Ghostbusters already catch the Holy Ghost?

Caruso:
Upside the head! [smacks Chris in the head]

Narrator:
The next politician to use that phrase was Jesse "The Body" Ventura.

Louise:
You keep your nasty little nappy-headed son away from my granddaughter. That's how I'm doing.

Narrator:
That look means all seven of the words you can't say on television.

Narrator:
[about Tasha] She was screaming like the mouse had a gun.

Narrator:
Tasha Clarkson was the new girl next door. Unlike just about every other girl in the neighborhood, she didn't hate me.

Narrator:
Malvo was the neighborhood's repeat offender. He always committed crimes. He always got caught. And he always got out. When "Shawshank Redemption" came out, Malvo thought it was a comedy.

Narrator:
The only time my dad ever brought something new home was when it was old to everybody else.

Rochelle:
I asked for a sewing machine. What the hell is this?

Julius:
A loom.

Rochelle:
What is that?

Julius:
A stove.

Rochelle:
If that's the stove, where's the witch? I asked for a car. What the hell is this?

Julius:
A rickshaw. That's Rick.

Malvo:
Chris, when I get out, I'm comin' after you. Y-O-O.

Doc:
They... they let you out?

Malvo:
Yeah. I got time off for good behavior.

Narrator:
That's like letting the Devil outta Hell.

Caruso:
Hey Bosco, I heard you got a Betamax.

Chris:
Yeah? So?

Caruso:
I got a movie for you: a comedy. [hands Chris a video tape with the Ku Klux Klan on the cover]

Chris:
"Birth of A Nation"?

Caruso:
It's hilarious. You'll love it!

Chris:
Man, you didn't even have a real gun?

Malvo:
It's hard to rob a gun store, man, they got guns!

Narrator:
[Julius is getting ready to sit down to a bowl of popcorn, a few cases of beer, and to watch "The Young & The Restless".] While I was hoping I'd never see Malvo again, my father couldn't wait to see "The Young & The Restless" again.

Julius:
Here we go. [He hits the play button on the remote to the Betamax.]

Woman:
Stay tuned for "The Young & The Restless."

Julius:
[He picks up a beer, but before he can drink his beer, he ends up seeing a cartoon, with which Tonya has erased "The Young & The Restless". He puts his beer down.] [to the camera; raising his voice] What the... ? Cartoons?!?!? Who recording cartoons over my "Young & The Restless"?!?!?

Principal Edwards:
Now remember, the only way you're going to get along with Caruso is to understand why he hates you. He needs your help.

Chris:
But if I'm helping him, who's gonna help me?

Principal Edwards:
You're helping yourself.

Narrator:
Spoken like a true white man.

Principal Edwards:
You were fighting. Why?

Chris:
'Cause he hates black people, and I'm a black person!

Caruso:
That's a lie! I love Michael Jordan. I think Gary Coleman is hysterical. And don't even get me started about Billy Ocean.

Principal Edwards:
"Caribbean Queen." That's a very good song.

Caruso:
See?

Chris:
Just because you watch Soul Train don't make you Don Cornelius!

Narrator:
The next year Drew got a Yankees jersey that said "Mezzie Mackson."

Narrator:
My father could've spanked Tonya or grounded her until she was grown, but he said something that made her feel worse than all of that.

Julius:
I'm really disappointed in you.

[Tonya is dressed as a geisha]

Tonya:
Father, I have brought disgrace to myself and to our family. [gets out a belt]

Julius:
Tonya, no!

Tonya:
Leave me now, Father. I must whup myself until you can find it in your heart to forgive me. [whips herself repeatedly]

Narrator:
As class president, I thought things would change for me, but I couldn't have been more wrong.

Rochelle:
Here's how this works, Tonya. You could keep lyin' or you could tell me you took my earrings. You decide.

Tonya:
You promise you won't yell?

Rochelle:
I won't yell.

Tonya:
I took your earrings, and I lost one.

Rochelle:
DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO TOUCH MY EARRINGS?!

Tonya:
You promised you wouldn't yell!

Narrator:
I've been fallin' for that one for years.

Rochelle:
Do you know how valuable those earrings were, Tonya? Huh?

Narrator:
Whenever my mother was ready to kill one of us, she'd always count down from 5.

Rochelle:
5... 4... 3... 2... 1. Imma let you're father handle this.

Julius:
You're supposed to get a hundred. You don't get a prize for doing well.

Narrator:
My father never rewarded good behavior.

Chris:
Dad, I cleaned the tub.

Julius:
You're supposed to clean the tub. It's your dirt ring.

Tonya:
Hey Dad, I fixed the heater.

Julius:
You're supposed to fix the heater. You're the one who likes it warm.

Drew:
Hey Dad, I slaughtered a pig.

Julius:
You're supposed to slaughter a pig. You're the one who likes bacon.

Narrator:
To get back to Brooklyn, it felt like we went around the entire city. We went through Chinatown, the meatpacking district... we even went through theatre district. The only place we didn't go through was our school district.

Narrator:
Listening to Patti LaBelle could make my mother feel good, no matter what.

[Rochelle is in Mexico being blindfolded]

Rochelle:
Come on, Pepito! I told you, man, I didn't do it!

Mexican Man:
¿Cuál es tu última voluntad? (What is your last wish?)

Rochelle:
Can you play "New Attitude?"

Narrator:
My father and Michael didn't get along because whatever my father said, my uncle said the opposite.

[Julius and Michael are at a car dealership]

Julius:
I like the Ford.

Michael:
I like the Chevy.

[Julius and Michael are at an art museum]

Julius:
I wanna look at Picasso.

Michael:
I wanna look at Matisse.

[Julius and Michael are having beer]

Julius:
Hmm, tastes great!

Michael:
Less filling.

Narrator:
After talking to Greg, I imagined what my father would say to me.

Julius:
So you just gonna quit, huh? All these people who made it possible for you to become the first black class president, and now you just gonna quit?

Tuskegee Airman:
Yeah. And what if we quit? Black people would never have become pilots.

Aunt Jemima:
If I had quit, pancakes would taste like crap.

Cream of Wheat Man:
If I had quit, Cream of Wheat would've been called "Cream of White!"

Uncle Ben:
If I had quit, it would take hours to cook rice.

Narrator:
Back at school, it was Crouching Tiger, Hidden Truth.

Narrator:
Back at school, I stopped making promises and started making demands.

Chris:
I'd like all book reports to be on books that were made into movies.

Ms. Morello:
Are you high? I'm asking, not judging.

Chris:
No, I'm just trying to fulfill my campaign promises.

Mrs. Milone:
Just for curiosity's sake, what else did you promise?

Chris:
A TV in the library, more field trips, instituting recess, and no more detention.

Ms. Morello:
Chris, how are you going to know how to act when you get stopped by the police if we don't give you detention?

Narrator:
To win my office, I told them everything they wanted to hear. There was only one problem: they listened.

Boy #1:
You promised to take us to a Knicks game!

Boy #2:
You promised I'd get a new locker!

Janitor:
You promised I'd get a raise!

Lunch Lady with Mustache:
You promise I get a shave!

Boy #3:
You promised we'd get some real meat!

Chris:
Can I at least get French fries at lunch?

Ms. Morello:
I always thought you'd be more the sweet potato type.

Julius:
Did Martin Luther King, Jr. take a break? Did Moses take a break? Did Gandhi take a break?

Narrator:
He took a break from eatin'!

Narrator:
My mac 'n cheese looked so good, Gandhi would've snuck himself a plate.

Chris:
[speaking in front of the class] To me, Thanksgiving means family and togetherness. Thanksgiving came about when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth Rock. The Indians greeted them, provided them shelter, taught them how to grow corn and how to prepare for the winter, and went on to cook one of the greatest meals the pilgrims ever ate. And in their appreciation for showing them how to prosper and survive in this brave new world, the pilgrims killed the Indians and created a holiday in their honor. So, on this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful for my family, my friends, but most importantly, I'm thankful that I'm not a Native American.

Kill Moves:
Is that burnt mac 'n cheese?

Julius:
Yeah. Why?

Kill Moves:
It's just the way I like it!

Narrator:
He wants that blackaroni, 'cause he's on that crackaroni.

Narrator:
Even before video, Drew learned the secret to being a good singer was to not sing at all.

'Narrator:
As a kid, I wasn't superstitous but; everybody in my family was. If my mother spilled salt, she would always tossed it over her shoulder for good luck.

Julius:
Nooooooo! (Jumps in front of the salt for his popcorn and crashes)

Narrator:
That's 9 cent worth of salt.

Narrator:
Drew wouldn't walk under a ladder, no matter what.

Old Woman:
Sonny, help me! I've fallen and I can't get up!

Drew:
If you want me to help you, you gotta crawl from underneath this ladder first.

Narrator:
Tonya would believe that if she stepped on a crack, she would break my mother's back.

Tonya:
(Tonya steps on a crack and screams) NOOOOOOOOO!

Rochelle:
(Moans after her back is broken in pain while eating her chocolate turtles)

Chris:
[speaking in front of the class] Was it lucky when King Kong defeated those planes? No, 'cause he didn't defeat the planes. They shot his behind clear off the Empire State Building. Now, if King Kong had spent some time learning how to fight some planes instead of chasing that little white girl around, he would still be alive to this very day.

[Julius is working as a mall Santa]

Julius:
So, what can Santa give you for Christmas?

Little Girl:
A Malibu Barbie with the pink remote-controlled Corvette, the Barbie townhouse and the Barbie swimming pool.

Julius:
Ooh. Do you know how much all that stuff costs?

Little Girl:
No.

Julius:
Well, Santa's gonna tell you. It costs $137.16. Do you have that kind of money?

Little Girl:
No.

Julius:
Well, neither does Santa.

[the little girl starts crying]

Narrator:
Welcome to my world, kid.

[Mr. Omar is consoling a grieving widow]

Mr. Omar:
I know you lost your man, Mrs. Roberts, but with a body like that, I know Santa's gonna bring you another.

Julius:
You're firing me at Christmastime?

Narrator:
That's the only time you can fire Santa.

Narrator:
Black Santa Claus caused more tears than the Tampa Bay Devil Rays.

Narrator:
Doc took the expression, "a token of my appreciation," literally.

Narrator:
I don't know if he's more concerned because I lost consciousness, or because I lost a half-day's pay.

Tonya:
Chris gets sick and now we can't get anything for Christmas.

Drew:
Man, we were good for nothin'.

Rochelle:
No, you were good because you were supposed to be good. I mean, what if there were no Christmas? Would you be runnin' around here startin' forest fires?

Julius' Boss:
Julius, we've got a problem.

Narrator:
You mean besides the fact that you've got a black Santa workin' at a white department store called Goldstein's?

Julius:
What's wrong?

Julius' Boss:
You're not presenting the image of Christmas that we want to promote, here at Goldstein's.

Julius:
Image? What kinda image?

Julius' Boss:
You're Santa Claus. You're not supposed to make the children cry.

Julius:
But they need to learn the truth about life!

Julius:
[to an Asian girl who wants an Easy-Bake Oven] Does that come with an easy-to-pay gas bill?

Greg:
Am I going to have to call Child Protective Services on you?

Narrator:
At least I didn't dangle my egg over a balcony like Michael Jackson!

Narrator:
Growing up in Bed-Stuy, the worst thing my mother always said was that we'd better not bring home any babies. In fact, my mother was so paranoid, she didn't like anything in the house that even reminded her of a baby.

Rochelle:
Boy, is that a baby?

Drew:
No, that's a football.

Rochelle:
Is that a baby?

Tonya:
No, it's a shoebox.

Rochelle:
Is that a baby?

Chris:
No, it's baby carrots!

Narrator:
I was so scared of bringing home babies, to this day, my mother hasn't seen my kids.

Jennifer:
You're overbearing and clingy, and if you keep it up, you're gonna be a single father, too!

Narrator:
20 years later, that's what Greg's mail-order bride said.

Narrator:
It seemed like everyone had advice for raising a baby.

Kill Moves:
You need to teach this boy how to protect himself. Now, I suggest the Brazilian two-finger neck snap! Want me to show you how it works?

Mr. Omar:
Teach the baby to honor the mother and the father, and if the father should meet a tragic death, the baby shouldn't be upset if the mother makes friends with a nice man.

Woman:
[off-screen] Omar, I need more bubbles!

Mr. Omar:
Gotta go.

Risky:
Teach this baby the difference between the knock-offs and the real thing. For instance, "Gucci" does not have an "H" in it.

Drew:
I was watching that!

Julius:
I've seen it. Rosebud's his sled.

Jerome:
[about Chris' egg] I'm only good at acting like it's not my baby.

Narrator:
That year he won the Oscar for Best Non-Supporting Father.

[Ms. Morello gives Chris a brown egg to care for]

Ms. Morello:
They're all the same on the inside.

Narrator:
Except my egg's gonna get pulled over by the police more.

Narrator:
My father was evacuating to avoid Hurricane Rochelle.

Narrator:
The only thing I could do: Join the few, the proud, the hall monitors.

Narrator:
Later, I was thinking about Greg, and I wondered how my heroes would handle bein' a hall monitor. I thought about how Mr. T would handle it.

Chris:
[as Mr. T] I pity the fool who ain't got no hall pass.

Narrator:
I thought about how Dirty Harry would handle it.

Chris:
[as Dirty Harry] Well, I know what you're thinking. Was that the first bell or the second bell? Well, you have to ask yourself one question: Do you feel lucky? Well, do you, punk?

Narrator:
I even thought about how the Terminator would handle it.

Chris:
[as the Terminator] No citation? I'll be black.

Ms. Morello:
To the rest of the students, well, they hate you.

Chris:
They've always hated me.

Ms. Morello:
True, but they used to hate you because you were black. Now they hate you because you're acting like a jerk.

Narrator:
And because I'm black.

Narrator:
When my mom worked, she had two jobs: her job and complaining about her job.

Narrator:
Every time my mother got a new job, there was always someone she hated. At the hospital, it was Tammy.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as a nurse]

Rochelle:
So Tammy says to set the defibrillator to 200. I know how to set the defibrillator. I'm gonna defibrillate her!

Narrator:
At the fire station, it was Betty.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as a firefighter]

Rochelle:
That damn Betty set the water pressure at a hundred pounds per square inch, when she know I told her to set it at 130 pounds per square inch! I shoulda turned the hose on her!

Narrator:
And at NASA, it was Belinda.

[Rochelle comes home dressed as an astronaut]

Rochelle:
Can you believe that heifer? I told her to set the aft booster at 25,000 feet per second, and she looked at me like I'm crazy. Now, if we woulda got stuck in the ionosphere, she woulda been like, "Oh, well, what we gonna do now?" [to her family] More Tang?

Narrator:
And at the office, it was Charmaine.

Rochelle:
And then when I got back from lunch, she done move my stapler. Talking about, "That's not where it goes." I told her I put it there, so that's where it goes.

Narrator:
[My dad] didn't hear a word she said.

Narrator:
My dad was willing to brave the elements to save his son, but to save money, he'd bought the cheapest tires known to man. He was the only black out in a whiteout.

Chris:
Momma, do I have to go to school? I mean, it's snowin' like crazy.

Rochelle:
It's snow, Chris, not Armageddon. Now hurry up. You know the buses are gonna be runnin' slow.

Narrator:
After spending a whole day with Principal Edwards, I no longer felt like an outsider. I had a new friend.

Principal Edwards:
[puts a tardy slip on Chris] You're late.

Chris:
What? A tardy slip? But what about yesterday?

Principal Edwards:
That was in the past. We're in the now, Chris, and now you're late.

Narrator:
I haven't seen a sea of white like this since the Republican National Convention.

Principal Edwards:
As long as you're you, there'll always be a Caruso.

Narrator:
I thought about living in Japan.

Caruso:
Arigato, Slappy.

Narrator:
In London...

Caruso:
Cheerio, Nipsy.

Narrator:
Morocco...

Caruso:
Asalamalakem, Flip.

Mr. Newton:
It's algebra, the math of the unknown.

Chris:
Then I must be doing great, 'cause I don't know it.

Narrator:
Algebra wasn't the only thing I didn't know, and everything I didn't know, he was determined to teach me. He taught me language.

Mr. Newton:
Veni, vidi, vici. I came, I saw, I conquered.

Chris:
Eenie, meenie, miney, mo, catch a tiger by the toe.

Narrator:
He taught me history.

Mr. Newton:
The Vitruvian Man.

Chris:
The Hangman. Pick a letter.

Narrator:
He taught me science.

Mr. Newton:
Your turn.

Chris:
Got anything bigger?

Narrator:
Please don't kill me in the name of science, ribbit!

Mr. Newton:
Starting tomorrow, we're going to put some brains inside that head of yours.

Narrator:
And I'm gonna put a brick upside that head of yours!

Narrator:
Back at home, Drew was trying to watch hockey and wishing Tonya would just shut the puck up.

Narrator:
With Ms. Morello gone, we had every kind of substitute imaginable. We had out-of-work actors.

Male Substitute Teacher #1:
To be or not to be? That is the question.

Narrator:
We had out-of-work dancers.

Female Substitute Teacher:
Can one of you kids get that bucket of water and throw it on me?

Narrator:
And sometimes we had out-of-work teachers.

Male Substitute Teacher #2:
Enjoy this while you still can, 'cause believe me, it's all downhill from here.

Narrator:
We'd had just about every type of sub we could think of, except one: a black sub.

Greg:
[about Ms. Morello] She went on a trip to Africa to help fight off an outbreak of yellow fever.

Narrator:
It was more like she went to Harlem to fight off an outbreak of jungle fever.

Chris:
Are you serious?

Mr. Newton:
As a catastrophic cardiac infarction.

Narrator:
Quit showin' off, just say "heart attack!"

Caruso:
[to Chris] Hey Ebony. [to Greg] Ivory.

Mr. Newton:
Good morning. I'm Mr. Newton.

Caruso:
More like Mr. Tibbs.

[Mr. Newton is dressed as a drill sergeant and squirting Chris, who's carrying a book in each hand, with a hose]

Mr. Newton:
It's a B minus, all right?

Chris:
No, sir!

Mr. Newton:
Do you wanna learn?

Chris:
Yes, sir!

Mr. Newton:
Do you wanna quit?

Chris:
No, sir!

Mr. Newton:
Do you wanna go to another school?

Chris:
No, sir!

Mr. Newton:
Why?

Chris:
'Cause I have no other place to go!

Mr. Newton:
Then you better answer my question: What's A squared plus B squared?

Chris:
C squared!

Mr. Newton:
I can't hear you!

Chris:
C squared! It's C squared!

Mr. Newton:
That's right! That's what I'm talkin' about!

Narrator:
That was the worst wet T-shirt contest ever.

Narrator:
Nothing made Drew unwind better than watching hockey, and nothing could wind him up faster than Tonya.

Narrator:
Tonya got more people in trouble than a white girl at an NBA after-party.

Mr. Newton:
[to Caruso] You don't see me making fun of you because you look like a Brooklyn Beach Barney Rubble.

Rochelle:
I'm raisin' men in this house, and men do not hit women.

Narrator:
That meant you couldn't hit a girl even if you were supposed to hit her.

[Drew is in a boxing match with a female boxer; he tries to punch her]

Rochelle:
You better not hit that girl!

[the female boxer punches Drew, knocking him out]

Mr. Newton:
This exam is critically important, so I advise all of you to study hard. Especially you, Chris.

Chris:
Man, I can't believe this. The guy's gonna kill me. It's not like I didn't have it bad enough comin' to this school from the other side of town, havin' the kids kick the crap outta me, but now the teacher's gonna kick the crap outta me too.

Caruso:
Quit complaining, Kareem. I love this guy. I didn't like him at first because of the whole black thing, but I'm doing better at math now. And the things he taught me about jazz, forget about it.

Mr. Newton:
You! You did this to me!

Chris:
I didn't know you were gonna get shot.

Mr. Newton:
You sent me to this hellhole! This is your fault! Oh, you just gonna stand there?! I know where you live! I tried to teach you! I tried to help... get your hands off of... I know who your people is! Tried to help you!

Rochelle:
You shouldn't be embarrassed that your boy only has a fifth-grade reading level. You should be embarrassed that he's 27! He should be reading "War and Peace," not "Horton Hears a Who!"

Narrator:
Only problem with my mother helping at a book fair was she didn't read books and she wasn't fair.

Rochelle:
[to a young girl reading "Hollywood Wives" by Jackie Collins] Girl, does your mother know you over here readin' grown-up books? [takes the book from the girl] Gimme that. [picks up a copy of "Flowers in the Attic" by V.C. Andrews] "Flowers in the Attic." Now that sounds nice. [gives the book to the girl] Read that. You done lost your Jackie Collins mind. And don't cut your eyes at me, either.

Rochelle:
Who you gonna call?

Narrator:
That was a bigger fire hazard than pyrotechnics at a Great White concert.

James:
It was the beast of times. It was the roast of times.

Rochelle:
I mean, my God, boy, did you eat a bowl of lead paint for breakfast? Go on and sit down and let one of these other illiterates take a crack at it.

Narrator:
Because I was planning on cutting school, I was acting guiltier than Michael Richards at an NAACP convention.

Greg:
I was up all night packing for everything you might need. I've got peanut butter sandwiches in case we get hungry, I've got some wet naps in case we get sticky from the peanut butter sandwiches, I brought a compass in case we get lost, some extra water, Rolaids, aspirin, a travelling toothbrush...

Chris:
Greg, we're going to the movies, not Gilligan's Island.

Narrator:
If we did, Greg would've gotten with Mrs. Howell.

Narrator:
My biggest worry at this time was that the cops would think I was chasin' Greg.

Narrator:
While we were cutting class, Greg was sweatin' like Lil' Kim in Sunday school.

[Chris tells the ticket salesman it is a black holiday at his school, and thus they are not at school]

Ticket Seller:
What are you doing here?

Greg:
I'm an octoroon.

Narrator:
In that case, only one-eighth of him should be off from school.

Rochelle:
[to a bunch of girls who are wearing hoop earrings] What are y'all laughin' at with your hoop earrings on? Let's see if your mother's gigglin' when you bringin' home babies. Who's laughin' now, huh? It ain't funny no more, is it?

DMV Clerk:
I guess you're just gonna have to wait. And don't bang on this door again.

Narrator:
She's lucky he didn't bang on her head!

Julius:
A new license costs $17.50, and I'm not givin' them people my money till I have to.

Narrator:
My father waited until the last possible moment to pay for everything... and I mean everything.

White Meter Maid:
Your meter's only got a minute left.

Julius:
When dat quarter runs out, I'll put in dis one.

Rochelle:
Baby, you almost outta gas.

Julius:
When dat gas runs out, I'll put in some new gas.

[Rochelle is giving birth]

White Doctor:
Push! Push!

Rochelle:
Julius, would you just pay the man, please?!

White Doctor:
Push!

Julius:
When the baby's all the way out, I'll give him all the money.

Rochelle:
Boy, don't you know you are too big for a coloring book? White kids your age are buildin' sculptures by now and you over there tryin' to stay inside the lines. Come on, Picasso, get to chippin'. Come on, chip on. Chip, chip, chip. Chip, chip, chip.

Narrator:
In 1985, crime was on the rise everywhere, and when I say everywhere, I mean everywhere.

Rochelle:
You been hidin' a credit card, what else are you hidin'? Is Julius really your name? Oh, maybe you're the Green River Killer? Do you know where Jimmy Hoffa is buried? Who shot Kennedy? For all I know, you could be Batman!

Julius:
I am not Batman.

[Julius is then seen dressed as Batman]

Julius:
I'm Batman.

Rochelle:
Julius, I need to know the truth.

[Cutaway to Julius paroding Jack Nicholson from A Few Good Men]

Julius:
You can't handle the truth!

Narrator:
I was so good at sneakin' around, I thought about joinin' the CIA. [Malvo appears] Or maybe the DOA.

Malvo:
I got a question for you, boy. What is today?

Chris:
Uh, Wednesday?

Malvo:
Nah! Today is two days after the day before yesterday.

Narrator:
Malvo was an idiot savant-98% idiot, 2% savant.

Narrator:
If I could've, I would've taken the underground railroad.

Harriet Tubman:
Is you runnin' to the north?

Chris:
No, I'm runnin' from Malvo.

Harriet Tubman:
Malvo? You'd have been better off a slave! Get on now, and remember, you ain't seen nothin'!

Julius:
[about his credit card] Rochelle, I couldn't tell you about it.

Rochelle:
Why not? Do you know how many times we could've used it?

Julius:
That's why I couldn't tell you about it. I didn't want another bill, baby.

Rochelle:
Oh. OK, Mr. "Responsibility," Mr. Fiscally Conservative, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HIDE THINGS FROM HIS WIFE, answer this for me: Since you're so against credit cards, why do you have one?

Narrator:
Everybody had a gold chain, and somebody was waiting to snatch it. Nobody was safe: not young people, not old people, not even dead people.

Narrator:
For the first time in 15 years, my father got my mother to shut up.

Vanessa:
Turns out he had a whole other family.

Narrator:
That's all my mother needed to hear.

[Julius is at the dinner table with a Puerto Rican family and everyone is speaking Spanish]

Julius:
Hey baby.

Puerto Rican Woman:
Hey baby.

Puerto Rican Boy #1:
Hello Father.

Puerto Rican Woman:
How was work today?

Julius:
Good.

Puerto Rican Boy #2:
May I be excused?

Julius:
No. You'd better eat that. That's 46 cents' worth of beans and rice.

Puerto Rican Woman:
Don't worry baby, I'll put it on the credit card.

Julius:
Oh. That's good, that's good.

Rochelle:
Your credit card. Be a man about it, Julius! It's got your name on it! Oh, and you know what else it says, Julius? It says "card holder since 1970." That means that for 15 years, you've been hidin' this from me!

Malvo:
You owe Malvo a gold chain.

Narrator:
Good thing I didn't stop him from stealing a gold house.

Narrator:
When surreptition didn't work, my mother tried confrontation.

Rochelle:
[to Julius] Hello. You must think I'm stupid. Oh yeah, Rochelle... is just... an IDIOT!

Narrator:
Black-on-black crime is nothing compared to Italian-on-Italian crime.

[Julius comes to help Chris, who is confronted by Malvo]

Malvo:
So I'm supposed to be afraid because you brought your daddy out here?

Julius:
No, you s'posed to be scared because if you ever put yo hands on my son again, you ain't goin' to jail. [Holds up metal baseball bat] I'm goin' to jail.

Malvo:
[Eyeing bat] Whatchoo gonna do?

Julius:
You find out what I'm gonna do. You think I'm playin'? When you in the shower, I'm gonna be there.

[Cuts to Malvo exiting the shower, turning and noticing Julius standing there with the bat]

Julius:
You think I'm playin'?

[Cuts to Malvo, Chris and Julius]

Julius:
When you watchin' TV, I'll be there.

[Cuts to Malvo watching TV. On the TV, Julius, driving a truck, holds up the bat]

Julius:
You think I'm playin'?

[Cuts to Julius, Chris and Malvo]

Julius:
Even in yo dreams, I'm gonna be there.

[Cuts to Malvo in a courthouse]

Judge:
Mr. Malvo, you're free to go. [Malvo dances in joy] Case dismissed. [Bangs gavel]

Malvo:
[Turns and points to someone off screen] Yeah, what'd I tell you dude?! [Turns and sees Julius holding the bat] Hey!

Julius:
You think I'm playin'?

Woman #1:
My boy is a football player. He just got a scholarship to Rutgers!

Woman #2:
My daughter is a doctor. She just finished her first open-heart surgery.

Rochelle:
And my son is a magician, and he just made Bed-Stuy disappear! [outside, a barren desert is shown]

Pam:
You better tell him to bring it back, 'cause I'm closin' at 9.

Rochelle:
I don't want you foolin' around with no black magic. You hear me? I don't wanna come home and see no pentagrams and dead goats and chickens and stuff like that. Only good, clean, white magic. You hear me?

Narrator:
Why not compromise and do Puerto Rican magic?

[after Greg finds out about Chris' stage name]

Greg:
Isn't Chrissy a girl's name?

Chris:
It's a black thing.

Narrator:
Just as everyone else was scared by "The Exorcist," my father was scared by another movie: Night of the Lepus.

Narrator:
[about Jerome] He went on to join Public Enemy as one of the guys who looked tough, but was never allowed to rap.

White Cop:
We have a warrant for the arrest of Hilton Reed, a.k.a. DJ Hilly Hill.

Narrator:
The first rule of breakin' the law: If the cops are after you, don't stand under a sign with your name on it.

Narrator:
When I was 14, I never got a chance to hang out with my dad much because all he did was work and sleep.

Tonya:
[after Rochelle gives her the wrong picture] Momma, this is not Billy Ocean. This is Billy Dee Williams.

Rochelle:
What? Let's see that. [takes the picture and looks at it] Dammit, Risky!

Monk:
Ask anybody. They'll tell you. You can always hang out with your daddy. Go to the movie.

Jerome:
Go to the game, man. You know if my father wasn't in jail, that's what I'd do.

Mr. Omar:
Yeah, go to the game, but whatever you do, don't sit behind home plate. My father was killed by a line drive to the medulla oblongata. Tragic!

Risky:
Go to the game. My father never took me 'cause I was a test tube baby. Want some peanuts?

Kill Moves:
Why don't you and the girl go see a movie about the game that your father's goin' to?

Narrator:
My mother had lost more stuff in her purse than the Bermuda Triangle. She lost little things.

Rochelle:
There's my lipstick.

Narrator:
She lost big things.

Rochelle:
There's that skillet.

Narrator:
She lost great big things.

Rochelle:
There's that gallon of milk.

Narrator:
And things she didn't know how she lost.

Rochelle:
There's my purse.

Narrator:
They might have found Biggie's killer if they looked inside my mother's purse.

Monk:
I couldn't imagine going to a baseball game with my father.

Chris:
Why not?

Monk:
Because they didn't have baseball games in the Quảng Ngãi Province.

Chris:
Was your dad in Vietnam?

Narrator:
Nope, Queens.

Monk:
I don't know, he disappeared when I was two. I haven't seen him since.

Narrator:
20 years later, Monk found his father on MySpace. Profile name: Military Mike-tastic.

Narrator:
Tonya loved Billy Ocean, so naturally, she joined the Billy Ocean fan club and sent off for an autographed picture. But it wasn't the first fan club she joined. There was the DeBarge fan club, the Shalamar fan club, even the Terence Trent D'Arby fan club. Too bad they were bought out by the Al B. Sure fan club.

Narrator:
If Tasha were here to do her voice-over, she would admit that she's heartbroken.

Adult Tasha:
[narrating] No, I wouldn't. I wasn't heartbroken, I don't even remember this happening.

Tasha:
So I'll see you later?

Chris:
Um, yeah. OK.

Narrator:
While Tasha silently suffered in Brooklyn...

Adult Tasha:
[narrating] I wasn't suffering then and I'm not suffering now- I don't care.

Vanessa:
[about Michael] He wants to take me to dinner and everything.

Narrator:
Everything means nothing but dinner.

Narrator:
I thought about one girl so much when I was 16, I forgot I was 30.

Michael:
Rochelle, what are you doin' out here, sneakin' up on people? You coulda caused me to have a heart attack!

Narrator:
Michael shoulda died years ago, but his heart was way too lazy to attack him.

Narrator:
Win or lose, I bet I'm in trouble!

Vanessa:
Did you hear about Doc?

Rochelle:
No. What happened?

Vanessa:
He won $300 on the basketball game last night.

Rochelle:
Gambling? I hate gambling.

Narrator:
My mother hated gambling because my grandfather loved it. He'd gamble on anything: fights...

[Gene is watching two kids playing Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots]

Gene:
C'mon, Blue! Let's go! C'mon, Blue!

[the kid controlling the red robot wins]

Gene:
Doggone it!

Narrator:
He'd gamble on races.

[Gene is watching two kids race on tricycles; one of them wins]

Gene:
Doggone it!

Narrator:
He'd even bet on the weather.

Gene:
I got $10 on sunny and 79!

[it is raining outside]

Gene:
Doggone it!

Rochelle:
You know what? I'm gonna change your name from Chrissy the Black to Chrissy the Black and Blue.

Narrator:
Even people who told other people not to gamble, gambled.

Priest:
Let me tell you this: Gambling is a sin! With a capital S!

Rochelle:
And Chrissy the Black... You just out there out calling games like you in Atlantic City huh? Is that what you want to do if you grow up?

Chris:
But I wasn't gambling

Rochelle:
You wasn't gambling... you better get ready to stop not gambling

Narrator:
I found out one thing in life: If you want people to laugh, tell 'em a joke. Now, if you really want 'em to laugh, tell 'em a dirty joke.

Narrator:
While Drew was trying to make a clean break, I was getting down and dirty with my new jokes. I told the one about the guy who got bitten by the snake...

Chris:
So the doctor said, "Make two cuts where your friend was bitten by the snake, and suck out the poison." So the guy gets back to his friend, and the friend said, "Well, what did the doctor say?" "You're gonna die."

Narrator:
I told one about the two guys on the bridge...

Chris:
And so then the white guy said, "Man, this water's cold." And the black guy said, "Yeah, and it's deep too."

Narrator:
And I told the one about how to become an honorary Eskimo.

Chris:
So he was bleeding, and his clothes were torn. So he walks in and says, "Now, where's the Eskimo woman I'm supposed to kill?"

Jerome:
Little dude from across the street! Does your momma know you out here tellin' jokes like that?

Chris:
No.

Narrator:
Because if she did, she'd smack the smut outta me!

Maxine:
I'm too old for a blind date!

Narrator:
She wouldn't say that if it was Stevie Wonder.

Rochelle:
Are you done?

Julius:
Yeah. Why?

Rochelle:
'Cause as far as I'm concerned, this time is next time.

Narrator:
Number 3!!!

Julius:
[about the dinner Maxine served him] I can't eat this. My gout'll flare up.

Maxine:
Oh, don't worry, that's oven-fried chicken.

Rochelle:
You can't understand comedy like this.

Chris:
I understood it.

Rochelle:
You understood which one?

Chris:
All of 'em.

Rochelle:
The one about the lady with the funny lips?

Chris:
Yeah.

Julius:
The one about makin' sandwiches?

Chris:
Yeah.

Rochelle:
The one about the black sheep?

Chris:
Yeah.

Julius:
The one about the Fukawi Indian?

Chris:
Yeah.

Julius:
What are you doing up?

Rochelle:
I can't sleep.

Narrator:
Translation: He can't sleep.

Rochelle:
A date? My mother is almost 60. How would she look out there tryin' to get a date?

Narrator:
Like Bea Arthur on The Golden Girls.

Narrator:
Ever since I was a kid, I always loved comedy. I loved cartoons, sitcoms and, most of all, stand-up comedians.

Doc:
Some of this material is a little blue.

Chris:
Blue?

Doc:
Yeah, filthy, so if you hear something you ain't supposed to hear, turn it off.

Narrator:
Don't be so strict, old man!

Narrator:
Dirty jokes were one thing. Dirty words where a whole new ballgame.

George Carlin:
[on record player] Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language and there are seven of them you can't say on television. They must really be bad...

Chris:
"Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television?"

George Carlin:
[on record player] You know the seven, don't you, that you can't say on television?

Narrator:
Seven? I could only think of three. [two beeps] What? Whoo! [two beeps] Ouch! Uh-huh! [two beeps] Whoa! Hey, now! [beep] Ho, ho, ho, ho! My vocabulary just grew by four.

Greg:
I hate cursing. My father used to call my mother number 4 all the time, then she'd call him number 5 and they'd go back and forth like that. 5, 4, 2, 1, 7, then they'd end up on number 3.

Narrator:
Greg was an early adapter of "too much information."

Mrs. Milone:
Young man, I want a word with you. In fact, I want seven words with you.

Narrator:
Number 1 had hit the fan.

Chantal:
How come you don't like me?

Drew:
I don't know. I just don't.

Chantal:
It's got to be something. Do you think I'm ugly?

Drew:
No.

Chantal:
Do you think I'm dumb?

Drew:
No.

Chantal:
Then what is it? Just tell me the truth.

Drew:
You're too tall.

Narrator:
Never stopped Danny DeVito.

Narrator:
What I didn't know was that my parents loved comedians too.

Redd Foxx:
[on record player] You knew it in your heart, you haven't washed your hair. So one night, the time was right. He asked her. He said, "Honey, would you marry me?" She said "Wooden eye?"

Narrator:
I can't say what he just said, but it was the first dirty joke I had ever heard.

Redd Foxx:
[on record player] "Geez, baby, what time do you have to be home?"

Narrator:
And it wasn't the last.

Redd Foxx:
[on record player] She said, "Christmas..."

Narrator:
A lot of kids would get in trouble sneakin' outta bed tryin' to listen to dirty jokes. I ended up gettin' a career.

Maxine:
Looks like somebody's gonna get some pizza.

Narrator:
If all studying was rewarded with pizza, then Charles Barkley would have won a Nobel Prize.

Rochelle:
If you could add and subtract, you could do this!

Narrator:
My mom applied that kind of logic to a lot of situations.

[Chris and his family are in a bank vault dressed as bank robbers]

Rochelle:
If you can crack an egg, you can crack a safe!

[Rochelle and Drew are in a hospital dressed as surgeons]

Rochelle:
Boy, if you can lace up a sneaker, you could stitch up a chest! [to another surgeon] Suture.

[Rochelle and Tonya are on a plane dressed as skydivers]

Rochelle:
If you can jump rope, you could jump from the plane! Go! Go!

[Tonya jumps off the plane without her parachute]

Rochelle:
Baby, you forgot your parachute!

Chris:
What difference does it make?

Rochelle:
What difference does it make?

Narrator:
Note to self: When dealing with the irrefutable science of numbers, don't ask, "What difference does it make?"

Narrator:
Going behind my mother's back to get help from my grandmother made me feel guiltier than Janet Jackson at a half-time show.

Maxine:
Teaching is a skill, no different than flying a plane.

Narrator:
Except you don't fall 35,000 feet to your death.

Narrator:
When I was in school, students usually got recognition for one of two things: being really good...

Mrs. Milone:
This year's valedictorian is Stephanie Borelli.

Narrator:
And being really bad.

Mrs. Milone:
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but your son is an idiot.

Rochelle:
Chris, what kinda answer is that?

Narrator:
The kind you'd come up with was a crazy woman screamin' at you.

Ms. Morello:
All I'm trying to say is, if you don't get algebra, we don't get pizza.

Narrator:
And I'm gonna get sliced.

Narrator:
When the going gets tough, the tough get going, so to Grandma's house I went.

Rochelle:
Are you crazy? X does not equal Y! You carry the 2 over the N! I mean, how hard can it be?!

Caruso:
Hey Major Harris, if you mess up our pizza day, I'm gonna smack the crust outta you.

Monk:
Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Narrator:
I thought that was meatloaf.

Narrator:
Someday Al Gore is gonna trace global warming back to that sink.

Greg:
It's like that movie, "The Birds!"

Narrator:
Except with cats.

Mr. Omar:
Drainada?

Julius:
That's right. The Spanish Drano.

Narrator:
Doesn't Drano already sound Spanish?

Narrator:
In order to exact the perfect revenge, I decided I should consult some experts.

Jerome:
If I was you, I'd move on to his block and take a dollar from him every day for the rest of his life. Lemme hold a dollar.

Vanessa:
You could slash his tires, pour sugar in his gas tank, put bleach on his clothes, give his wife a bad perm.

Kill Moves:
Revenge? Success, the best revenge.

Julius:
[about Mr. Omar's drain] How long's it been like that?

Narrator:
Ever since it got back from vacation in Haiti.

Julius:
You ever heard of a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink?

Mr. Omar:
No.

Julius:
OK.

Narrator:
It's just hittin' Mr. Omar that maybe he did know a Puerto Rican with a plugged-up sink.

Narrator:
My father thought he could fix anything with Krazy Glue or duct tape.

Rochelle:
What you doin'?

Julius:
Fixin' the table. All done.

Rochelle:
Julius! Did you fix that flat tire?

Julius:
Good as new.

Rochelle:
Did you fix that noise yet?

Julius:
Quiet as a mouse.

[Chris, Drew and Tonya are seen with duct tape over their mouths]

Chris:
How are you gonna follow someone with a fake mustache and a Hawaiian shirt and expect them not to notice you?

Greg:
Works for Magnum P.I.

Chris:
Number one, Tom Selleck is a 45-year-old man. Two, he wears Hawaiian shirts in Hawaii. There, they're just shirts. It's like Chinese food in China.

Greg:
Nothing could be further from the truth. There's Mandarin, Cantonese, Szechuan, my favorite, Hunan, Shanghai...

Chris:
[Caruso]'s a cat-lover?

Narrator:
It was like finding out that Saddam Hussein collected Cabbage Patch Kids.

Mr. Omar:
I don't think duct tape is gonna fix that, Mr. Julius. Why don't you just call a plumber?

Julius:
For $25 an hour? I don't think so.

Narrator:
The hardest thing about planning revenge is figuring out how far to go.

Greg:
How's Operation Get Revenge On Caruso going?

Chris:
Not bad, but I'm changing the operation name to He Can Hear You, Stupid.

Greg:
What's that?

Chris:
It's my revenge list. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it.

Greg:
You could toilet-paper his house.

Chris:
Too dangerous.

Greg:
You could egg him on the way home.

Chris:
Too obvious.

Greg:
Put Ex-Lax in his hot chocolate.

Chris:
Too typical.

Narrator:
(as Drew sings poorly in the bathroom) Holy Ralph Tresvant!

Tanya:
I was listening to that!

Julius:
I heard it. The baby ain't his.

Narrator:
Got that right!

DMV Clerk:
The speed limit in a school zone is 25, not 50.

Narrator:
Not if he's late.

Narrator:
Back at the DMV, my father was DOA.

Malvo:
Yeah...that's alright.

Julius:
It's gon' BE alright!

Malvo:
You're lucky i don't know my daddy!

Scheckie the Bookie:
Your friend, Doc... he needs to get unlucky... and he needs to get unlucky tonight. If he doesn't, I'm gonna see you tomorrow, and you don't wanna see me tomorrow.

Narrator:
I didn't wanna see you today.