Red Dwarf, Series II

Holly:
We're getting a signal. It's probably nothing but I just thought I'd mention it.

Rimmer:
Aliens.

Lister:
Oh God, aliens... Your explanation for anything slightly peculiar is aliens, isn't it? You lose your keys - it's aliens. A picture falls off the wall - it's aliens. That time we used up a whole bog roll in a day, you thought that was aliens as well!

Rimmer:
Well, we didn't use it all, Lister. Who did?

Lister:
Rimmer, aliens used our bog roll?

Rimmer:
Just 'cos they're aliens, doesn't mean they don't have to visit the little boys' room. Although they probably do something weird and alien-esque, like it comes out of the top of their heads or something.

Lister:
Well, I wouldn't like to be stuck behind one in a cinema!

Holly:
We're a bit short on a few supplies.

Lister:
Like what?

Holly:
Cow's milk. Ran out of that yonks ago. Fresh and dehydrated.

Lister:
What kind of milk are we using now?

Holly:
Emergency back-up supply. We're on the dog's milk.

Lister:
Dog's milk?!

Holly:
Nothing wrong with dog's milk. Full of goodness, full of vitamins, full of marrowbone jelly. Lasts longer than any other type of milk, dog's milk.

Lister:
Why?

Holly:
No bugger'll drink it. Plus, of course, the advantage of dog's milk is that when it goes off, it tastes exactly the same as when it's fresh.

Lister:
Why didn't you tell me, Holly?

Holly:
What, and spoil your tea?

[Lister finds Kryten ironing in the sleeping quarters, now decorated like something from Pride & Prejudice]

Lister:
What the smeggin' hell is going on?

Kryten:
Good afternoon, Mister David, sir.

Lister:
[Holds up a pair of boxer shorts] What are these?

Kryten:
Your boxer shorts, Mister David, sir.

Lister:
No way are these my boxer shorts, these bend! What have you done to the place?

Kryten:
I've done a spot of tidying up.

Lister:
But where is everything? Where's me coffee cup with the mould in it?

Kryten:
I threw it away, sir.

Lister:
But I was breeding that mould! His name was Albert! I was trying to get him two foot high!

Kryten:
Why, sir?

Lister:
Because it drives Rimmer nuts! And driving Rimmer nuts is what keeps me going.

Cat:
You'd never get a cat to be a servant. You ever see a cat return a stick? "Hey, man! You threw the stick, you go get it yourself! I'm busy! If you wanted the stick so bad, why'd you throw it away in the first place?"

Lister:
'Mr Arnold' isn't his name. His name's Rimmer, or 'smeghead', or 'dinosaur-breath', or 'molecule-mind', or on rare occasions when you wanna be really mega-polite to him, and we're talking mega polite here, on those exceptional circumstances you can call him 'arsehole.'

Lister:
Rimmer, real dumplings, proper dumplings when they are properly cooked to perfection, proper dumplings should not bounce!

Rimmer:
True, but after the way I thought they were going to turn out they were quite (does a little kiss) superb! (French accent)

Lister:
So how's the Cat?

Rimmer:
Oh, he's just sleeping off the stomach pump...He'll be alright, the lamb was a bit of a flop though.

Lister:
The Lamb!? Everyone thought the lamb was the cheese! And that Lemon Meringue Pie, man, what was in that?

Rimmer:
I thought you liked that! You bought some back.

Lister:
Yeah....I wanted to try some out on my Athlete's Foot!

Cat:
I'm so hungry. I just have to eat!

Lister:
Shh... Rimmer's dad's died.

Cat:
I'd prefer chicken.

Rimmer:
[while Lister is sorting through the mail] You'll send away for every bit of tat, just so you'll have some mail to open.

Lister:
Me... Me... Me...

Rimmer:
"Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit! Four super brushes for cleaning even the trickiest of sea-bound mammals! Yes, I am over 18, although my IQ isn't."

Lister:
Smeg! Outland Revenue!

Rimmer:
[sarcastically] Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue!

Lister:
8500!

Rimmer:
8500? That's a lot of tax, isn't it, Listy? How on Titan are you going to pay for that?

Lister:
I'm not. It's yours.

Rimmer:
What? This is wrong! This is dead wrong!

Lister:
Relax, it doesn't matter now. Not gonna catch you now, are they?

Rimmer:
What? Just because we're three million years into deep space and the human species is extinct? That means nothing to these people. They'll find us.

Lister:
(Returning to mail sorting.) Another one for you. Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer.

Rimmer:
That's from my mother.

Lister:
Rear Admiral?

Rimmer:
Every time I take an exam I tell her I passed. It's getting embarrassing now. I should be Commander in Chief of the whole universe.

Lister:
I remember when my dad died you know. I was only six. I got loads of presents off everyone like it was Christmas. I remember wishing a couple more people would die so I could complete my Lego set. My grandma tried to explain, you know. She said he'd gone away and he wasn't coming back. So, I wanted to know where, like, you know. She said he was very happy and he'd gone to the same place as my goldfish. So I thought they'd flushed him down the bog. I thought he was just round the U bend, you know. I used to stuff food down, you know, and magazines and that for him to read. They took me to a child psychologist in the end because they found me with my head down the bowl reading him the football results.

Lister:
What time is it?

Rimmer:
[blearily crawls over to the clock on the bedside table] ....Saturday.

Lister:
That the best you can do?

Rimmer:
There are some numbers beside it, but they could be anything.

Rimmer:
I want a triple fried egg sandwich...

Lister:
With chili sauce and chutney!

Holly:
You what?

Lister:
It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!

Holly:
It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.

Rimmer:
It's like a cross between food and bowel surgery.

Lister:
It's well naughty. The trick is to eat it before the bread dissolves.

Rimmer:
It's amazing Where did you get the recipe?

Lister:
I'm not sure.... I think it was a book on bacteriological warfare.

[the crew are puzzled by the apparantly missing days on board the ship, the fact the Lister's jigsaw has been completed and both he and the cat have a broken foot/leg. Rimmer suspects aliens]

Lister:
So, aliens came on board

Rimmer:
without question!

Lister:
They broke my leg

Rimmer:
For some reason

Cat:
They broke my leg

Rimmer:
Yes

Holly:
And then they did a jigsaw...well that's cleared that up...

Lister:
OK professor what does it mean?

Rimmer:
Right, breaking your leg 'hurts like hell'. HEL OK? They do it beLOw the knee, 'HEL-LO' get it? They do it twice, twice 'TOO'. HELLO TO. And jigsaw must mean YOU. HELLO TO YOU!

Cat:
........I'd hate to be around when one of these suckers is making a speech!

[the crew search for the Black Box to try and piece together what happened]

Lister:
This is hopeless, it's like trying to find a fart in a Jacuzzi.

Rimmer:
I loved that little lemming. I built him a little wall he could hurl himself off of.

Rimmer:
Now kindly cluck off before I extract your giblets and shove a large seasoned onion between the lips you never kiss with.

Cat:
Wow! I've never been this close to women before. It makes me want to do something. But I don't know what it is. Whatever it is, I want to do a lot of it.

Cat [to Rimmer]:
What is it?

Rimmer:
It's a rent in the space-time continuum.

Cat [to Lister]:
What is it?

Lister:
The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.

Cat [to Rimmer]:
What is it?

Rimmer:
It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.

Cat [to Lister]:
What is it?

Lister:
It's a hole back into the past.

Cat:
Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?

Rimmer:
On the morning of Febuary the 26th, at 0800 hrs, did engage in conversation with second technician Rimmer, Arnold J...

Captain Hollister:
For crying out loud, Rimmer!

Rimmer:
- the outcome of which was a proposal by the aforementioned Lister to the aforementioned Rimmer to cook him breakfast.

Captain Hollister:
Okay, I'm getting the picture.

Rimmer:
Breakfast comprised of two eggs, three rashers of bacon, a grilled tomato, two sausages, a small portion of fried potatoes... and a large quantity of mushrooms. Having consumed this repast, second technician Rimmer, Arnold J. experienced what can only be described as a "voyage to trip-out city". To wit, a major hallucinogenic fit.

Captain Hollister:
Lister, is this true?

Lister:
No, sir. I'm sure it was only one egg.

Rimmer:
The aforementioned Rimmer, to wit, me, then attended inspection parade. He was totally naked except for a pair of mock-leather driving gloves and some blue swimming goggles. Under the influence of this psychadelic breakfast he went on to attack two senior officers, believing them to be giraffes who were armed and dangerous

Rimmer:
Look... In three million years, you'll be dead.

Past Rimmer:
[mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?

Rimmer:
Yes, unless you do something about it now.

Past Rimmer:
Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?

Lister:
Why do women always leave me for total smegheads? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtle neck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean natural yoghurt eaters. "Reliable", "sensible", "dependable", and lots of others words that end in "-ible". They're obsessed with house prices and spends half his life at antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer is it, it's always wine. 'What do you want on your cornflakes darling', 'oh I'll 'ave some wine please'.

Holly:
I was in love once. A Sinclair ZX81. People said, no, Holly, she's not for you. She's cheap, she's stupid and she wouldn't load, well, not for me anyway.

Lister:
What are you trying to say, Hol?

Holly:
What I'm saying, Dave is, it's better to have loved and lost than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

Cat:
Why's that?

Holly:
Anything's better than to listen to an album by Olivia Newton-John.

[After an incident in the hologram control room, Rimmer appears to have no legs]

Holly:
Probably not serious, don't panic

Rimmer Well if it's not serious when your genitals can wander off on their own, i'd like to know what is!

Holly [after being insulted about his temporarily reduced IQ]:
6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!

Holly, That's a load of Tottenham, that is. Yeah, a steaming pile of Hotspur.

Rimmer, He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot. He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.

[Holly has challenged Queeg to a game of chess for control of Red Dwarf]

Holly:
Queen to rook eight, checkmate.

Queeg:
That's an illegal move

Holly:
Oh, yea. Queens don't move like that. I was thinking of Poker

Queeg Bishop to knight five, double check and mate sucker!

Holly Oh yea, didn't see that.

Cat:
Look at my hands, I had lovely hands!

Lister:
Well wear the smegging gloves!

Cat:
Marigolds with blue are you crazy!?

Holly We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July & August fool.

Holly, And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

[from the song "Tongue-Tied," sung by Cat, Rimmer and Lister]

When I saw you for the first time (first time)

My knees began to quiver (quiver)

And I got a funny feeling (feeling)

In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)

My hands they started shakin' (shakin')

My heart began a-thumpin' (boom, boom, boom)

My breakfast left my body (huey, huey, huey)

Now darling tell me somethin.'

Rimmer:
[trying to demonstrate his flirtation technique] Would you like a worm-do?

Lister:
What's that then?

Rimmer:
Lister, that's not how it works. I ask if you want to join me for a cocktail, you say yes, I ask if you want a worm-do, you say 'what's a worm-do?' and then I say-

Lister:
'Oh, it wriggles along the ground like this.'

Holly:
I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!

Rimmer:
What do you mean?

Holly:
It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.

Holly:
Hang on I'm linking up with their on-board computer.

Hilly:
Hello, I'm Hilly.

Holly:
Hello, I'm Holly.

Hilly:
Hello Holly.

Holly:
Hello Hilly.

Hilly:
Wow this is a turn up innit. You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.

Holly:
Right on sis.

Hilly:
: See you Hol.

Holly:
: See you Hil.

[The Crew Stares at him]

Holly:
: I'm in there!

Rimmer:
What colour is it supposed to turn?

Lister:
Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's gonna turn.

Rimmer:
And red for pregnant?

Lister:
Yeah.

Rimmer:
[chants]Come on, you re-eds!

Rimmer:
It's changing colour!

Lister:
What colour?

Rimmer:
It is! It's changing colour!

Lister:
What colour!?

Rimmer:
I's blue for not pregnant, right?

Lister:
Yes!

Rimmer:
Good news Listy, excellent news!

Lister:
Oh, thank god!

Rimmer:
I'm going to be an uncle!

Kryten:
(Speaking to the skeletal crew) Well, here they are.

Rimmer:
(Enters and bows) Carmita...(Sees the skeletons and stays in his bow, jaw agape)

Lister:
Well...it's a bit difficult to know what to say. Isn't it, Ace?

Kryten:
Well, isn't anybody going to say, "Hello?"

Lister:
(To Rimmer) I think the blonde one's giving you the eye.

Kryten:
Well, I'll leave you to get acquainted. I'll just go and fix some tea. (Exits)

Cat:
(To the skeleton of Tracy) Hi, baby!

Rimmer:
I don't believe this.

Lister:
Be strong, Big Man!

Rimmer:
Our first contact with intelligent life in three million and two years and it's the android version of Norman Bates.

Cat:
Come on, guys. So they're a little on the skinny side.

Lister:
Listen, girls. I don't know whether this is the time or place to say this but my mate, Ace, here is incredibly, 'credibly brave!

Rimmer:
Smeg off, dog food face!

Lister:
And he's got just tons and tons of girlfriends!

Rimmer:
I'm warning you, Lister!

Kryten:
(Noticing the silence) Well, is anything the matter?

Rimmer:
Anything the matter? They're dead.

Kryten:
Who's dead?

Rimmer:
(Pointing to the skeletons) They are dead. They're all dead.

Kryten:
My God! Well, I was only away two minutes!

Rimmer:
They've been dead for centuries!

Kryten:
No!

Rimmer:
Yes!

Kryten:
Are you a doctor?

Rimmer:
You've only got to look at them. They've got less meat on them than a Chicken McNugget! [The "Mc" is edited out of all American broadcasts]

Kryten:
Well, what am I going to do? I'm, I'm, I'm programmed to serve them.

Lister:
I think the first thing we should do is bury them.

Kryten:
You're that sure they're dead?

Rimmer:
(Exasperated) Yes!

Kryten:
(Indicating the skeleton of Anne) What about this one?

Rimmer:
There's a simple test. (To the skeletons) All right, girls, hands up, those of you who are alive.

Lister:
And for this very special occasion I have baked - a cake.

Holly:
What's that then?

Lister:
It's in the shape of a spanner, Holly, cos he was a technician.

Holly:
Well, that's very apt, that is. If he'd been a postman you'd have baked it in the shape of an envelope, I suppose?

Lister:
Yeah!

Holly:
Gordon Bennett, it's lucky he's not a gynaecologist.

Lister:
Listen, man, I'm sorry about those mushrooms, you know. I mean, I didn't know... I'm not totally reckless and irresponsible, for God's sake. I mean, when it comes down to it, I'm a pretty straight and honest geezer.

Rimmer:
Where did you get them?

Lister:
I nicked them. They were in a locker. They must have belonged to Headbanger Harris.

Rimmer:
Good book?

Lister:
Yeah, it's alright.

Rimmer:
I didn't think you read.

Lister:
Don't much, but this is good.

Rimmer:
What is it?

Lister:
It's your diary.

Rimmer:
WHAT!?

Lister:
I didn't know you sent secret love letters to Carol McCauley.

Rimmer:
Lister, that is my private, personal, private diary; full of my personal, private, personal things.

Cat:
It's gone public.

Rimmer:
I don't believe it! You've been reading it to the Cat?

Cat:
Only the best bits!

Lister:
[reading] "Carol McCauley, your eyes are like two limpid pools in the mornings".

Rimmer:
Shut up.

Lister:
"Your hair is like a golden waterfall".

Rimmer:
Shut up.

Lister:
"Plus, those short skirts you wear make me really horny"?

Suitcase:
Excuse me. No, no. Down here. Have you seen a man who's lost his luggage, about 5 foot 10, mousy hair?

Cat:
No I haven't!

Suitcase:
Oh, no. I bet they've sent him to the wrong bloody airport again!

Past Rimmer:
(last lines) Please! Before anyone says anything else... I'd like to make a speech. (shouting) GO AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

Holly:
We are talking jape of the decade. We are talking April, May, June, July & August fool. Yes, that's right... I am Queeg.

Rimmer, Lister & Cat:
WHAT??!!

Holly:
Queeg never existed, it was me all along.

Rimmer, Lister & Cat:
WHAT??!!

Cat:
It was a joke?

Holly:
Wheeze of the week, mate!

Rimmer:
WHAT??!!

Holly:
"Going around in circles for 14 months." "Getting all my information from The Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space." The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?

Lister:
Are you tellin' me you staged the whole thing??

Holly:
(in Queeg's voice) That's right, suckers! (in his normal voice) And the moral of the story is... appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!

Lister:
[holds up the Holly Hop Drive] Is this it?

Holly:
What do you think?

Lister:
It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it!

Holly:
It's fairly straightforward. If you want to start it you press "start". I'll leave you to work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

Rimmer:
It's absolutely pathetic.

Holly:
Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive... drive engaged. Initiating ignition sequence... ignition sequence initiated.

Rimmer:
Get on with it.

Holly:
It takes time, this. One slight error in any of my thirteen billion calculations and we'll be blasted to smithereens. Here we go, then: 10, 9, 8, 6, 5-

Rimmer:
You missed out the seven.

Holly:
Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.

Rimmer:
[sing-song voice] We're going to di-ie.

Holly:
No problem. I'll start lower down. 1, blast off.

Cat:
Hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party, but is there somebody missing?

Debs:
How d'you mean?

Cat:
Well: Lister, female opposite; Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?

Debs:
Oh, right. Mooching around on the Cargo Decks, I think.

Cat:
Aowww! All my life I've waited for this moment, and now it has arrived! Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not - I repeat, do not - come to the rescue! Aaaaaaoooooooow! [runs from the room, singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty...

Debs:
I think he's in for a bit of a shock.

Lister:
Why?

Debs:
His opposite isn't female.

Lister:
What is it?

Debs:
It's a dog.

Cat:
[singing] I'm gonna get you, little kitty, I'm gonna get you...

[He stops dead when he sees the Dog, looks straight at the camera]

Cat:
I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.

Dog:
Well, trash mah shorts, what a funny-looking dawg!

Cat:
...better make myself look big! [raises his arms and snarls]

Dog:
Put it there, Buddy, put it right there!

Cat:
[reels from his breath] Argh! What kind of toothpaste does he use?! Rotting meat flavour?

Dog:
Oh, come on now. I wanna be your buddy! Tell you what - I'm gonna smell your behind, and you can smell mine! Now, is that a deal?

Cat:
You wanna smell my WHAT!?

Dog:
Why sure! Don't you wanna smell me?

Cat:
Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars! When was the last time you took a bath?

Dog:
Oh please, don't say that word!

Cat:
What, bath?

Dog:
You said it again! Now listen up: if y'all gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.

Cat:
When was the last time you took a B - A - T - H.

[beat; Dog thinks about it]

Dog:
What's that?