Rescue Me, Season 4

Tommy:
Colleen is smoking pot!

Janet:
I know.

Tommy:
You know? What do you mean 'you know'?

Janet:
And it's good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.

Tommy:
Great, great. That's a great attitdude. You know, I told you years ago, that pot is a gateway drug--- So she comes home tonight, not only is she high, she's drunk. Drunk. Yeah, shitfaced. Puked. Yeah.

Janet:
Was she driving?

Tommy:
No, I think her 50 year old boyfriend was handling the driving responsiblities.

Janet:
He's 26. And that's good, that's good.

Tommy:
Why's that good?

Janet:
Because he doesn't drink.

Tommy:
Okay. I'm pretty sure she's bangin' this guy.

Janet:
I know. She's on the pill.

Tommy:
You put her on the pill? In-insane. Just totally-- ... You-- you got the whole toolbox goin' here, booze, penises, ... I-- I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family.

Tommy:
Okay, Colleen, sex with the boyfriend, in the car in front of the house. How about that, huh? The neighbors could've seen--

Janet:
So did we. So did we.

Tommy:
Honey, she's a kid, she just turned 18... you know...

Janet:
You got me pregnant when I was 17.

Tommy:
Okay, that was--

Janet:
In your truck, while we were drinking, and on pot.

Tommy:
It was the 70's, okay?

Janet:
This baby hates me.

Tommy:
Honey, he's a baby, he doesn't even know what hate is.

Janet:
He's a Gavin. He was born to hate. You know, come to think of it, I think he's all Gavin. Half Johnny, half you.

Maggie:
You're throwing away the porn?

Sean:
Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.

Maggie:
You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.

Sean:
Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.

Maggie:
[laughs] Put the box down.

Sean:
C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--

Maggie:
No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.

Sean:
Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?

Maggie:
Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!

Sean:
Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?

Maggie:
See, now you understand.

Sean:
No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.

Maggie:
Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.

Sean:
Really?

Maggie:
Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--

Sean:
That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.

Maggie:
Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.

Tommy:
So you want me to lie?

Eddie:
Yeah, through your goddamn teeth I want you to lie.

Tommy:
Well, I can't do that.

Eddie:
You-- You can't [starts laughing]

Tommy:
What's so funny?

Eddie:
You can't lie?

Tommy:
Look, I can lie to my wife, my kids, the guys at work, the guys at headquarters, cops, yeah I can do that kinda lyin'. That's like triple-A ball, you know? But these are lawyers, this is major league pitching here to these guys, I'm good but I'm not that good.

Sean:
Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?

Lou:
Oh, here we go.

Sean:
What? What do you mean 'here we go'?

Lou:
Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.

Sean:
Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?

Lou:
Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.

Sean:
Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.

Tommy:
I'm eating.

Sean:
Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...

Franco:
Janet who?

Sean:
What?

Franco:
Janet who?

Sean:
Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.

Lou:
Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]

Sean:
What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?

Tommy:
I think you were talking about my wife.

Sean:
No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?

Tommy:
Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.

Sean:
No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...

Tommy:
Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!

Sean:
Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!

Tommy:
FDNY ain't like it used to be, man. It's all bean counters and brown nosers now. Guys like me, a dyin' breed.

Eddie:
Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.

Tommy:
Is that good or bad?

Eddie:
If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.

Tommy:
Why's that?

Eddie:
Because they both hinge on the same thing.

Tommy:
Which is?

Eddie:
Dead dicks.

Tommy:
I wanna know what really happened that night, okay? All of it.

Sheila:
You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.

Tommy:
Oprah said that?

Sheila:
She did.

Tommy:
[after Sheila sprays him with perfume] Wh-what are you doing?

Sheila:
You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.

Tommy:
Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.

[Colleen comes out of her boyfriend's bedroom with just her underwear on]

Tommy:
Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--

Sean:
It's not goin' in the spank bank.

Tommy:
It better not.

Sean:
I promise.

Tommy:
I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go.

Colleen:
No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.

Lou:
I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back.

Tommy:
What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?

Lou:
Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.

Tommy:
Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.

Lou:
Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.

Kenny:
Oh, please, the word 'sex' just makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die.

Mike:
Why the nun still goin' full steam?

Kenny:
Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing--

Tommy:
[walks in] The tsunami speech again?

Kenny:
I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep.

Tommy:
[Nona kisses Tommy] Whoa, that's fast. Uh… it's just that we haven't--- uh….

Nona:
Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.

Tommy:
Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.

Nona:
And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?

Tommy:
I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited.

Nona:
Get out of my truck.

Tommy:
Wh--?

Nona:
No, no, really. Get out of my truck.

Tommy:
No, no, but I'm serious.

Nona:
Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.

Tommy:
I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--

Nona:
Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.

Janet:
Oh my God, this is it. This is the end of the line.

Tommy:
W-W-What?

Janet:
Yeah, no. I've heard about this. Tommy, you have never not gotten it up for me.

Tommy:
Honey... Honey, I just need to uh... what?

Janet:
Tommy, I get wet, you get hard. You get hard, I get wet. That's the deal. That's been the deal for 20 something years. It may as well been our marriage vows.

Sean:
Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?

Mike:
Why?

Sean:
Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.

Mike:
That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.

Sean:
Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.

Franco:
I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh?

Tommy:
No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.

Franco:
Yeah.

Tommy:
It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.

Franco:
Hugging?

Tommy:
Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.

Franco:
Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...

Tommy:
Spooning.

Franco:
Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?

Tommy:
Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.

Lou:
Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Are you okay? Mikey?

Mike:
Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.

Lou:
Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.

Mike:
What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]

Tommy:
I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.

Lou:
Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.

Tommy:
Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...

Lou:
Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.

Tommy:
Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?

Lou:
Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.

Franco:
Jesus Christ, Jerry. Shit. I mean, there's no other way?

Lou:
You know, you just don't get it, Franco.

Sean:
No, you're damn right we don't, Lou. Come on.

Lou:
You know why? You know why you don't get it? Because you're young and the future is your friend, you know, and your eyes work and your cocks work, and the way you guys think you're gonna be on the job forever eatin' smoke, and it don't work that way, boys.

Sean:
Okay, so if I get a little older, a little sick, I should just kill myself? Is that what I'm supposed to do?

Lou:
You know what? It was Jerry's life and he was unhappy and he made a choice. And obviously it was a pretty severe choice, but you wanna know somethin'? I give the guy all the respect I have for going out on his own terms.

Franco:
Yeah, well, I don't. I think he was a goddamn coward.

Lou:
Watch it, Franco.

Franco:
I'm just sayin' how I feel, Lou.

Lou:
[to Tommy]' Do you hear this shit?

Tommy:
Yeah, except that I kinda agree with him.

Lou:
Well, then screw you, too.

Tommy:
Well, he was a coward.

Lou:
Watch it Tom, okay?

Tommy:
He was afraid. Afraid of workin' behind that desk down at down at headquarters for the next five or--

Sean:
Oh, come on, Tom. That's your excuse for the guy?--

Tommy:
Shut up, asshole! What do you got eight years on the job? (Sean goes to say something) Shut up! Christ almighty. You know how much he hated being the Chief, huh? Watching us run into jobs while he stood outside, but he did it. You know why? So he could teach assholes like, (points to Sean and Franco) you and you what the job was really about. When he was working up in the Bronx, when the Bronx was burning, huh? You ever hear about those days, huh? They'd get 10, 12, 14 jobs a night! Shithead. He ran into a job up on 279th street, he pulled three kids in wheelchairs out in somethin' like 15 minutes. You know why? Because the rest of his crew was busy bringing old people out. There was a cold storage warehouse fire up there one night and the Chief on the job that night shut the job down because it was 'too hot for humans'. You know what Jerry did? He ran around the side of the building, went in the side door, pulled out two drunken assholes, ends up the two same assholes who started the goddamn fire! And he was working then, without a mask, running in and out of the building with a cigar danglin' out of his mouth. You wanna talk about being brave and who's a coward and who's not a coward? Suck my cock. Wanna talk about being brave? When he was workin' up in the Bronx, he used up all the goddamn brave he had.

Tommy:
It's not you, okay? It's uh... It's uh, I've been, uh, since around the time that you pulled me out of that fire, I was having the same problem with this chick I was seein' then.

Nona:
Oh, good.

Tommy:
And it's just become this whole mental thing, I just-- I mean, normally, I'm tellin' 'ya a strong breeze could get me hard.

Nona:
Oh, good. Let's open the window, then.

Tommy:
[on the phone] Listen, you gotta give me a second chance here, okay?

Nona:
I need a man to handle me the way I handled you last night, okay?

Tommy:
Okay, you know what, I was planning on doing plenty of man handling but when we got inside that truck, you were like a crazed animal, you grabbed me, you ripped my shirt open, I- I just kinda-- I was just following in your wake, you know? You were throwing me around like I was a rag doll, treating me like I was some kind of sex toy. At that one point when you flung me from the back seat of the truck to the front seat, I-- I mean, my neck almost snapped in half. I really--

Nona:
Look, Tommy, I don't wanna hear about death and feelings and penis problems. Look, I wanna be used, I wanna be ignored, I wanna be taken for granted.

Tommy:
There are no penis problems, okay? And I'm telling you something, when it comes to using and ignoring those are like two of my best things. And takin' chicks for granted? I'm the king of takin' chicks for granted. I mean, ask my wife, ask Sheila, okay? She'll tell 'ya.

Nona:
Ugh. Good bye, Tommy. [hangs up]

Lou:
I love you Teresa. You're really important to me, you know, but the way things have been going... I mean, anything that we do with our clothes on, it-- it just feels like filler until we get into bed. ... Or into the shower, or on top of the kitchen table, or... in the alley behind the building. I just-- I think we owe it to each other to put the sex on hold, and lets see what we really have. And to safeguard against the very real possibility that without a breather, my dick's gonna snap off like a twig.

Teresa:
I love you, too, honey.

Franco:
[after they are told they can't have anything with sexual, racial, religious, or ethnic themes in their lockers] Look, now I don't know about you guys, but I need naked chick pictures in my locker, alright? You know, I come back from a job and I'm thinking about rubbing one out in the shower. Looking at an American flag ain't gonna grease the rails, you know what I mean? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love the American flag, but I'm used to saluting it, not jerkin' off to it.

Sean:
Whoa, wait a second. You're jerkin' off in this shower here?

Franco:
Sometimes.

Tommy:
I'm buyin' flip flops, like six pairs.

Sean:
[about Jerry's ashes] You know, what if it's not really the Chief in there?

Lou:
You know, the kid's got a point. I mean, it's ashes, for all we know it could be Anna Nicole Smith.

Tommy:
Well, does silicone burn?

Lou:
Not in that quantity.

Sheila:
All women play mind games about sex.

Tommy:
S-so, when you told me that I was the best...

Sheila:
Depends on the night.

Tommy:
An-And what about that time, you told me that, I-I lasted the longest?

Sheila:
Also depends on the night.

Tommy:
And that whole thing about me being the biggest?

Sheila:
Oh, well that part was true. [Tommy's expression changes] See how easy that is?

Tommy:
[after Sheila drives up in a Porsche] Mid life crisis much?

Sheila:
Oh, shit. I don't need to reach mid-life to have a crisis. That kicked in after the time I lost my virginity.

Tommy:
Let me fill you in on little somethin' about the bible. The bible is to the Catholic church what The Godfather is to the mafia, y'know? Yeah, the catholic church is the most corrupt organization on the face of the planet. I did 12 years in that... penal system, y'know? All these gangsters walk around, thinkin' they run the world at any moment in time. You know, like Gotti|, Gambino|, Gasilano, y'know, whoever. They all learn the same lesson, though. At any given time on this planet, the biggest gangster is always the pope.

Tommy:
Where's her lunch?

Janet:
Oh, yeah, I forgot that this morning, but she can just grab something at school.

Katy:
The food at school tastes like poo.

Janet:
Well, how would you know what poo tastes like?

Katy:
I use my imagination.

Tommy:
Okay, do me a favor. Use your imagination for something a little more constructive, like, reading or writing, okay? [hands her money] Okay, have a good day. Say good bye to your brother.

Katy:
He smells like poo.

Tommy:
He's supposed to smell like poo, he's a baby.

Tommy:
[to Black Shawn] You know what? Let me tell you something. If you were working the morning of 9/11 you'd feel the same way as me, okay. I don't care who you believe in, whether it's God or Allah or Mohammad or L. Ron Hubbard, okay? Whoever was supposed to be in charge that morning, was managing the master plan, he showed his cards that morning, he doesn't give a shit, okay?

Needles:
[after they come back from the fire that killed 7 kids] You know, a lot of us, me included, you know, we say that the heros are the guys who don't make it back to the house. But tonight, you're my goddamn heroes. That was a ball buster, and everyone of 'ya did what you were supposed to do. Includin' the new guy. I'm goddamn proud to be workin' with a crew like this. Any minute that alarm is gonna go and we will have to make run because some fat broad got her big ass stuck in a tub or some asshole went off the rails on some west side highway. He's all banged up, but he's still alive because he's as high as a goddamn kite. We are gonna answer those calls the same way we answered this one tonight; balls to the wall, gentlemen. If anybody needs me, I'm gonna be in my office... I'm gonna call my wife and kids and have a nice big mug of Jack Daniels.

Mickey:
[on the phone] So, I saw the baby fire in the news.

Tommy:
Jesus Christ. The baby fire? They're still callin' it the baby fire, I guess. You know, why don't they call it the '16 appliances plugged into one wall socket fire', how about that, huh?

Mickey:
Yeah, I know, Tom. I'm just sayin' what they're sayin.

Tommy:
Or how about 'God doesn't really give a shit about poor black kid's fire', how about that name, huh? It's unbelievible to me, it really is. What was God thinkin' here, Mick? What do you think? What did he have in mind?

Mickey:
We don't know. Maybe he was showin' his mercy, maybe he was savin' these kids from a fate far worse down the line somewhere. Either way, it's out of our hands.

Tommy:
Well, lemme tell 'ya somethin', okay? We carried those goddamn kids out in our goddamn hands because their moron parents plugged in faulty space heaters because they were tryin' to keep warm, 'cause their shit-ass landlords were too cheap to keep the goddamn heat on. God had nothin' to do with it, okay? God doesn't even venture into the equation, okay? But according to your theory, I guess God had Connor run over by a drunk driver, why? So he can spare him the fate, of maybe having cancer of the ass when he was 42 years old? Is that what's goin' on, Mick?

Mickey:
Or maybe because of his DNA he becomes a raging alcoholic and gets behind the wheel with a load on and runs over somebody else's innocent kid 15 years from now. Maybe that's what's happenin'. Did you ever think of that, huh? Tom? ... Tom?

Tommy:
Yeah. Nobody knows nothin', Mick. Not until it happens.

Mickey:
You're wrong. Everything happens for a reason.

Mike:
I still feel so bad. Her cheating on you... with me... that bitch.

Lou:
Well, you know, it's not the first time she cheated on anyone.

Mike:
So, she's done it before?

Lou:
She was a nun when I met her so technically, you know, she was married to Jesus.

Mike:
I guess that makes you the other man. [laughs] That's a mighty impressive takeaway on your part.

Lou:
Yeah, well, I'm real proud about that. Even if it means I'm takin' the express train to hell.

Mike:
But look, it was worth it, right?

Lou:
No, not really. ... You know, I mean, you're family, Mike. That's what's important, you know, family, that... that unbreakable bond. And I'm willing to forgive and forget.

Mike:
Bros before hoes, right?

Lou:
Bros before hoes.

Mike:
Now, let's get shitfaced and make it official.

Lou:
[during a timeout, to the basketball team] 'Kay, guys let's huddle up. Yeah, I got nothin' to say, 'cause you guys are playing like the goddamn Celtics out there, it's just amazing. I mean, the Larry Bird, 1980's championship Celtics, okay? I mean, I got no notes, you know. So, what I think we should do, just to make things look better, I'm gonna draw a giant vagina on this little board here. While I'm doing that, you guys all make it look like I'm drawin' some sort of stratgy, okay? Instead of the giant kind of, vagina that I'm drawing, y'know, which really is the point of all this. I mean, really the reason why you play sports is to meet girls. So, what I want you to is, look at this giant black and white vagina that I'm drawing here, and then I want you to go out and I want you to score another 55 points, so we can all get laid and we can all make more money.

Teresa:
Oh, wait. There's just one more thing. I'm gonna need to get my handcuffs, and my whip and my leather lingerie back. Also, the box of edible panties would be great.

Lou:
I um... I ate all the edible panties.

Teresa:
You ate the panties... Great. [walks off]

Franco:
Chocolate flavored?

Lou:
Yeah, and vanilla and strawberry. I had a Neapolitan thing goin'.

Tommy:
You're tryin' to get me to date the Chief's daughter, aren't you?

Lou:
No!

Tommy:
Yes!

Lou:
No!

Tommy:
Yes!

Lou:
Yes.

Tommy:
Yes.

Lou:
Yes, I am. Yeah, look it's a career move, Tom. Number one, you're takin' out the Chief's goddamn daughter, okay? Number two, you're gettin' my ass out of the fire. Number three, you're winning very valuable brownie points with Lou. Okay, look, I know I owe you 5 grand from the Great Lou Depression of last year. If you take her back, I will pay you back 7 grand. [Tommy moves closer to him] You take her out and I'm gonna give you back, 7,500 dollars. [Tommy moves closer] I'm gonna give you-- Aw, Christ, Tommy, you know I don't have that kinda money. Why don't you say something?

Tommy:
He asked you first, didn't he?

Lou:
No!

Tommy:
Yes!

Lou:
No!

Tommy:
Yes.

Lou:
Yes!

Tommy:
Yes, yes. Yeah, I knew. I knew. Yeah.

Tommy:
[on the phone] Hey.

Lou:
Hey, how's it goin'?

Tommy:
She hasn't ordered any food, okay?

Lou:
Oh, that's perfect. She's a cheap date. Cheaper than Sherry Feldman.

Tommy:
Yeah, okay. She's also a repeater.

Lou:
She farts a lot?

Tommy:
I mean, every time I say somethin' she repeats it back to me, okay?

Lou:
Tom, that's perfect. All you gotta say is 'I'd like to take you to my car and blow you', and she repeats it back, and you say 'yes', bingo!

Mike:
When's Tommy comin' back?

Lou:
Why?

Mike:
Because it's not like him to call in sick. Whenever I do, he calls me a pussy.

Lou:
Well, number 1, you are a pussy. Number 2, he's fine, a little stomach virus.

Mickey:
[seeing the destruction in the apartment] Holy shit. What is this?

Tommy:
Janet and I got into a little bit of a thing.

Mickey:
You were drinkin', or...?

Tommy:
No, no. Jesus, no.

Mickey:
Listen, I know your marriage is kinda goin' south but...

Tommy:
No, no, no. This isn't the marriage, no, no. She-- She had... That was about the marriage. The table and the kitchen. And then, she split. And then... this fire uh.. you know, broke out in the bedroom, so you know, I tried to go in the main door and that was uh... I couldn't get in there. [motions to the hole in the wall and door] So, I tried going through here, to put it out, but as it turns out once I got through the wall, there... there was no fire.

Mickey:
Time for a meetin'.

Tommy:
Yeah. Lemme... Lemme just put the axe away.

Alicia:
What do I look like to you?

Franco:
Well, you look fantastic.

Alicia:
No, I don't mean how do I look, I mean what do I look like? Do you see a door when you look at me? I mean, a door that you're just gonna go through to escape? You know, I'm not some random means of destruction to end your relationship because you don't have the balls to do it yourself. I'm not gonna be used that way.

Franco:
I'm not usin' you, Alicia. I love you.

Alicia:
Oh, don't say that.

Franco:
I do. I love you.

Alicia:
You don't know what you're talking about.

Franco:
So, now you're sayin' what I feel isn't real?

Alicia:
Not what you feel. You have to make some choices.

Tommy:
[to Mike] You gotta look on the bright side. At least your mom died before you did, y'know, that's a natural course of events, y'know. Know what I'm sayin'? Parents are supposed to die before their kids, that was one of the things that was so screwed up about 9/11, y'know? All these guys... doin' the right thing, and dyin', parents havin' to bury 'em. It's not right. Besides, I'm sure your mom was a pain in the ass half the time anyways, half the time she probably called 'ya, you probably looked at your phone, and left it to go to voice mail, right? Because you didn't wanna talk to her. ... As much as I love my wife, same thing, man. Sometimes, y'know, we separate, arrange a schedule so y'know, we didn't have to see each other, except in passing at a couple weeks at a time, and then you see 'em for a coupla hours and you start to get all those great feelings back... and a couple days later, you hate 'em again. But at least she died before you did, 'cause I'll tell 'ya what, there's nothin' worse than burying your kid. I did it, y'know? ... I remember after 9/11, when the found Jimmy, what was it like, 3 weeks later? They-- they pulled his body out, after the funeral we were havin' a party or whatever, and my Aunt Bridy, his mother was havin' a rough time, and my cousin Norrine, his sister was tryin' to help her along, and she said y'know, ma the only thing that's gonna help this go away is time. I'll never forget when my Aunt Bridy said, she said 'I'm 77 years old, I don't have enough time.' It's the truth. I could live to be 106, I'm not gonna get over Connor. And he was a real pain in the ass that morning, he was ridin' that bike, in between cars, I was tryin' to fix the truck... but I got two healthy kids... and of all I've said about my wife, she's been a great mother, y'know? There's a lot to be said for that, y'know? A lot.

Franco:
You know, you were right, sweetheart. Seein' Alicia made me realize that I love you more, and you're the one that I'm meant to be with. And now that I got Keela--

Natalie:
More?

Franco:
Yeah.

Natalie:
More?

Franco:
Yeah, right. I-I love you more than ever.

Natalie:
So, you love me more.

Franco:
No, baby, I love you only.

Natalie:
But, I mean, like how close was it? Did I beat her by a half length or was it a photo finish?

Franco:
Nat, it's done. This is good news, please, just take the ring back.

Natalie:
No, you take it back and take all your shit with you while you're at it.

Franco:
Don't do this, Nat. You're the one who told me to go see her, okay? We just agreed that honest is the best policy, right?

Natalie:
No.

Franco:
Baby, don't.

Natalie:
No, I am not your baby anymore. I'm gonna take a long walk, be gone when I get back.

Mickey:
We just want you to know, that everybody is in this room because we love you. And feel like you're slippin' away. And so, you know, if you just take a moment, we've all written down some things and we'd like you to just listen with an open mind... to--

Maggie:
Wait, is this like one of those intervention thingys?

Mickey:
Yeah.

Maggie:
I'll do it.

Tommy:
You'll do it?

Maggie:
Yeah. I'm tired of this shit. Waking up god knows, with god knows who, havin' done god knows what, feelin' like an atomic bomb went off inside my skull. I'm finished. Box me up and ship me to rehab.

Mickey:
Okay!

...

Sean:
I have a stack of notebooks here, I didn't even get to say my piece.

John Sr.:
I'm with the kid, I have grievances to air.

Maggie:
Oh, blow it out your ass, old man. I am not gonna give you the satisfaction.

Teddy:
So, what are you people tryin' to say?

Tommy:
You gotta get off the sauce, Teddy. You gotta quit drinkin'.

Teddy:
This is comin' from you? Look at this place, look at your life! Does being sober make your life any easier?

Tommy:
Not really, but--

Teddy:
Well, there you go.

Tommy:
Hey, it's a process. It's a one day at a time type of thing. You do one day at a time, then two days, then turn days into weeks, and weeks into months, and gradually, slowly, it goes from being shitty, to being good, to eventually, being uh... great, right?

Mickey:
Right, great.

Eddie:
So, what do you say, Teddy, you gonna get some help?

Teddy:
Uh, no.

Eddie:
Teddy doesn't wanna go to rehab, but he does wanna get better. Mick, you still gonna take him to meetings?

Mickey:
Yeah, sure.

Maggie:
I mean, shit, we got enough drunks in this room, to start our own meetings.

Tommy:
That's not a bad idea.

Mickey:
There's no reason we can't.

Tommy:
No, right?

Mickey:
Sure.

Eddie:
I'm not a drunk. [Maggie laughs]

Tommy:
Yeah, okay. We could do it Monday, Wednesday...

Eddie:
Except I'm not a drunk!

John Sr.:
This from a guy who drank a bottle of brandy, and drove his car into his laundromat.

Eddie:
Hey, that was three years ago, and it was snowing.

Tommy:
Yeah, it was the weather.

John Sr.:
As far as I'm concerned, God was your mother. The way she raised you kids, the love she showed you. The way she helped you overcome all the stuff that scared the shit outta 'ya. The height thing, the bee thing, your mother was a saint.

Tommy:
What heights thing? I'm not afraid of heights. What are you talkin' about? I'm a goddamn fireman for Christ's sake, I'm up on the ladder, up in the bucket every other goddamn day.

John Sr.:
No, not now, thanks to her. Christ, she couldn't even put you in a highchair. But she cured 'ya, she took you up on the roof, held you over the side, and tickled you with her nose, the next thing you know, you were begging her to throw you up in the air.

Tommy:
What was the bee thing?

John Sr.:
You're deathly afraid of them. You used to wear a wool hat in the summer so they wouldn't bite you on the head. I don't think you ever got over that. There's one now.

Tommy:
[startles and looks around] Where?

John Sr.:
[laughs] Gotcha.

Tommy:
[on the phone] Hey, how 'ya doin'?

Mike:
The knee's still really sore, but I feel better, a lot better.

Tommy:
Yeah? What are you doin'?

Mike:
[eating ice cream] Uh, nothin'. Ju-- Just chillin'.

Tommy:
Doin' what?

Mike:
Nothin'.

Tommy:
You're mopin', aren't 'ya?

Mike:
No, I'm not mopin'.

Tommy:
You're havin' a giant mope-fest over there, aren't 'ya?

Mike:
No, I- I was just readin'.

Tommy:
You're reading? That guarantees me that you're mopin'. Here's what I want you to do, when they were bringin' me down off the fire escape, the other night by your place, I noticed down the block there's like a bar/cafe thing. I want you to put away the ice cream, yeah, yeah, I know you're eating ice cream, yeah. That which guarantees again, moping. I want you to put on somethin' nice, go down there and meet somebody, alright? Preferably a girl.

Sean:
Hey, check it out, look what Shawn found.

Black Shawn:
Antique lamp, totally untouched by the fire or smoke.

Franco:
Pretty cool, huh?

Lou:
Hand it over, you mugs. [they hand it to him] Alright, three things, okay? This is private property, which means it belongs to someone, which means it has memories and emotions attached to it, it could possibly be a family heirloom. Second, taking private property from the scene of the fire, damaged or not, okay? Is against department regulations.

Franco:
What's the third thing, Lou?

Lou:
It looks like it's a reading lamp from a bedside table, which means there's probably another one exactly like it lying around, if you could find that and bring it directly to me, I'd appreciate it. [they all turn to go look for it] Thank you.

Tommy:
You know what, that's gonna go real nice with that headboard that you got out of the furniture warehouse fire last year.

Lou:
It's the fun side of being a boss.

Lou:
[discussing whether or not he should have sex with his cousin Mike's girlfriend as revenge for his cousin having sex with Teresa] There's only one problem: She's black.

Tommy:
Are we talkin' Halle Berry black, or Jennifer Hudson black?

Lou:
Aretha Franklin black.

Tommy:
Holy shit.

Lou:
Now, not to say I have anything against black women, I think they happen to be very, very beautiful, it's not a racial thing at all.

Tommy:
No, no, no. Nobody's talkin' about nobody's skin color or anything. Lemme ask you this, can she sing?

Lou:
How the hell do I know?

Tommy:
Well, I'm just askin' because sometimes a talent in one area can overcome or take the edge off a lack of talent in the other area.

Lou:
Did I also mention that she's fat?

Tommy:
Oh, she's fat? How fat?

Lou:
I mean, she'd have to be able to sing, dance, paint, and figure skate just to take the edge off, and even then there'd be a lot of edge left.

Tommy:
Okay, you know what? You'd have to be psychologically damaged, or maybe have a dent in your head to even think about possibly having sex with somebody under those particular circumstances.

Lou:
You think?

Tommy:
Yeah, I think so.

Lou:
[pause] I'm thinkin' the sooner the better.

Tommy:
Yeah, maybe tomorrow, just to get right back him.

Mickey:
Alright, guys, the truth of the matter is, if you don't believe in some higher power, trusting something higher than yourself, you're gonna wind up counting days. You know, believe me, I was a priest, okay? And I find more god in these rooms, even this room than I ever did working for the church, y'know? Y'know, the ability to share your sins with other sinners, that's what's gonna get you through. Even, let's say, two minutes after we walk out of this apartment Tommy goes into the kitchen and opens up a kitchen cabinet and finds a brand spankin' new bottle of Maker's Mark, if he has faith and trust, he won't drink it.

Teddy:
Holy shit.

Mickey:
What?

Teddy:
There's a bottle of Maker's Mark in one of these cabinets? [Elle smacks him] Ow! Goddamn it!

Teddy:
[as they are making a list of people they've hurt with their drinking] You're shittin' me, right?

Maggie:
What?

Teddy:
My name's not in your top three?

Maggie:
Excuse me. How have I hurt you with my drinkin'? Give me one for instance.

Teddy:
I had to leave the firehouse to come get you from that club from downtown. You puked all over the inside of my Cordova.

Maggie:
You know, I was 14 years old and that was the first time I ever drank!

Teddy:
All the more reason why I should be number one.

Maggie:
Am I on your list?

Teddy:
For what?

Maggie:
Christmas, '86. You grabbed my left tit, Teddy!

Teddy:
First of all, it was a slight graze. Second of all, I drank half a bowl of eggnog that night, through a straw! Third of all, most important of all, I would never, ever do such a thing.

Sean:
Hey, guys, I'm dyin', whoo! I can barely keep my eyes open, I got hammered last night. Those Long Island Iced Teas really do a number on 'ya, you know? Brutal. [Tommy and Kenny go to walk away] Hey, you wanna know how many I had? Two... and a half. Yeah, you know, it was hardcore, you know where I woke up this morning? My couch. It's pretty goddamn embarrassing, you know? I think I might have a problem.

Tommy:
I have been waiting for this moment for a long, long time. [hands him a pamphlet]

Sean:
What's that?

Tommy:
It's a little thing we like to call the 20 questions. It's from Alcoholics Anonymous, it's kinda like a booze exam if you'd like to take it.

Sean:
Okay. [reads questions from it] 'Is drinking making your home life unhappy?' It's mostly her drinking, so no. 'Do you drink because your shy with other people?' No. 'Is drinking affecting your reputation?' No. No. No. No. Why are you supposed to have yes' for this? Because if it's no's I'm gonna ace this thing.

Tommy:
Lou.

Lou:
One time in the not so distant future my cousin Mike and I are gonna take out drinking. And if we notice you like to drink and get drunk and drink to excess, and if you pass the Shea cousin's drinking exam, then you will be called an alcoholic.

Sean:
Why's that?

Lou:
Because we're all alcoholics, functioning yes, but blazin' alky's all the same.

Tommy:
[about taking the Chief's daughter on a date] What if she gets interested?

Lou:
Well, then you give her the whole: 'Look, I'm a mess, you're so great, and I can't give you what you need. So, I'm gonna have to do the horrible thing and walk away and think about you for the rest of my life, especially when I masturbate.'

Tommy:
Yeah the famous Lou end to the relationship line.

Colleen:
[about Wyatt] He kept me up all night last night, and I couldn't find a babysitter so I had to miss Tony's gig.

Tommy:
Yeah, well, welcome to babyland. This is what it's like. You're finally learning, you're not ready, okay?

Colleen:
My own kid will be completely different.

Tommy:
Oh, really? How's that?

Colleen:
'Cause I will actually be in love with my own baby.

Tommy:
Oh, right, right. Love. I forgot, you're an expert on love.

Colleen:
Like you know. Like you're an expert on that.

Tommy:
I do know. I am an expert on love. I know enough to tell you this, you the two of yous, what's his name?

Colleen:
Tony.

Tommy:
Tony, okay? You think you're in love but one of these days, the two of 'ya, are gonna wake up and one of 'ya's, maybe both of 'ya's at the same time are gonna look at the other and say, 'you know what, I'm outta here.' You know, you're 18 years old, he's your first boyfriend.

Colleen:
Okay, well, you met mom in high school and she was 16.

Tommy:
Okay, you know what? We... we didn't start having sex until, you know, later.

Colleen:
She was pregnant with me before she even graduated.

Tommy:
Right. We fell in love, and then we had sex, that's-- that's how it happened. It was real love. It wasn't this, y'know, Fake Babyhead, lead singer, rock and roll love. What? Listen to me, I know what I'm talkin' about. I wasn't the lead singer in a band, okay? I had a real job.

Tommy:
[about the Jetta] You got any keys?

Impound Guy:
Yeah. [hands him a screwdriver]

Tommy:
You're kiddin' me.

Impound Guy:
Well, look on the bright side, if you lose it, there's 200 just like it at TruValue.

Black Shawn:
Listen, man, real talk, deep down, you hate Tommy Gavin.

Mike:
I do?

Black Shawn:
Yeah, because he's taught you everything you know about being a firefighter and the fact that he's had to save your sorry ass on more than one occasion, but deep down, despite the fact that he's an ego-maniacal self-centered son of a bitch, you wanna be just like 'em. Yeah, you wanna be Tommy Gavin. You wanna be exactly what you hate, and that's some sad shit.

Mike:
Screw you, Probie!

Girl:
[about Tony, Colleen's boyfriend] You know, he can't even read music.

Tommy:
Really?

Girl:
Yeah. But, neither could John Lennon, by the way.

Tommy:
Yeah. [to himself] Where's Mark David Chapman when you need 'em?

Tommy:
[about Colleen] She kicked me in the shins, three times. Unbelievable.

Lou:
Tom, quick suggestion.

Tommy:
Yeah.

Lou:
If you wanna take steps to really, really improve your relationship with your daughter, not to mention your soon to be ex-wife, two words: shin guards.

Lou:
Baseball and life, one and the same. Everybody says that life is too short. Bullshit. Life, unless you get cancer, hit by a bus, or set on fire,+ takes forever. Just like Baseball. Its a series of long, mind bogglingly boring stretches of time where absolutely nothing happens. So, You take a nap. Then, after a little while, when that crisp crack of the bat hitting the ball, so crisp you can almost smell the wood burning. Jolts you awake and you open your eyes to see something so exciting and intricate. Possibly very, very meaningful has just happened. But you missed it because you were just so god damn bored in the first place. Oh you know, couple of hot dogs, throw in some beers, the occasional blow job and that's that.