Roseanne, Season 5

Becky:
You know, you act like you're the only ones with problems around here.

Dan:
Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I have ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we're going through?

Becky:
Do you have any idea what I'm going through?! I mean, today may be the last day I'll ever see Mark again, okay!

Roseanne:
Whoa. What are you talking about?

Becky:
He got a job offer in Minneapolis and I'm telling him to take it. And it's all 'cause of you.

Dan:
Excuse me?

Becky:
If you knew how to run a business he'd still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. [breaking down in tears] Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything! You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!!!

Roseanne:
Becky, you shut up!

Becky:
Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it! [storms out]

Roseanne:
That is not true, Dan. I would have the guts to say it.

Jackie:
[after Roseanne returns from her job interview] Hey Roseanne... tell me you're employed!

Roseanne:
Hey Jackie... tell me you're married!

Jackie:
Aw...what happened?

Roseanne:
What happened was that 400 people showed up for six jobs. So I'm standing there for three hours drinking coffee just so some punk kid can ask me if I have any special skills; I told him, "yeah, bladder control."

Roseanne:
 :[through pay phone that Becky left off the hook] Becky? Becky! Is this some kind of a joke? 'Cause if you're not really married, I'm going to kill you. If you are really married, I'm going to kill you. Becky? Becky!

Roseanne:
 :[still through pay phone] Becky, this is the stupidest thing you've ever done. You get your butt back here right now. Do you hear me? Okay, okay. Okay. What I meant was it's not too late to come home. We aren't mad at you, we just wanna know you're safe. [a worker arrives and picks up the phone] Becky, are you listening? Talk to me. Becky, I know you're there. I can hear you breathing. [he hangs it up]

(Darlene and David are watching TV when Becky and Mark come in)

Becky:
Hey, is anybody home?

Darlene:
Hey look, it's Joanie and Chachi.

Mark:
How ya doin', little brother?

David:
Fine, except thanks to you, now I'm related to my girlfriend.

Becky:
So where's Mom?

Darlene:
She's in the kitchen...with the knives.

Mark:
Want me to go in there with you?

Darlene:
With... THE KNIVES.

Roseanne:
[over the phone, to Becky] Well, don't come walking in this house like you won some great big victory over me and your dad. Don't be expecting our blessing. Don't be expecting any money. And don't be expecting.

(Becky's worried about facing Roseanne)

Darlene:
If you lie very still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.

Becky:
Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep together tonight.

Roseanne:
Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?

Darlene:
I am NOT moving to D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed! I'm gonna go sit on my bed until morning.

Becky:
Mark is my husband, Mother. We're not going to stay in this house if we can't sleep together.

Roseanne:
Fine. [hands Becky the frozen chicken] Beat the hell out of this chicken, please.

Mark:
Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.

Dan:
You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?

(Squeaking from above Roseanne and Dan's bedroom. They think Becky and Mark are having sex)

Becky (from upstairs):
Very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!

[Roseanne and Mark are having a heart-to-heart before Becky and Mark leave for Minneapolis]

Mark:
All right, I knew this was comin', so... we're too young, I'm not good enough for her, and I got no future.

Roseanne:
Eyes on your own paper!

Mark:
Look, you're just ticked off at me 'cause you think I made Becky marry me. Well, let me tell you somethin'. Becky doesn't do a damn thing she doesn't want to.

Roseanne:
Okay, that's fair enough, she got married 'cause she wanted to. Well, she also wants to finish high school. And if she doesn't, I'm gonna know that that's because of you. And she also wants to go to college. And if she doesn't do that, then I'm gonna know that that's because of you.

Mark:
Hey, I'm gonna take care of her, okay? So just back off.

Roseanne:
Foolish boy. Oh-ho, you know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.

Roseanne:
[to D.J.] Your sister's leavin'.

D.J.:
[cheerfully] See ya! (Runs off)

Roseanne:
I hope you know how hard that was for him.

Darlene:
Take it easy.

Becky:
You too.

Darlene:
I'll miss you.

Becky:
Will you call?

Darlene:
Promise. I love you, Becky.

Becky:
I love you, Darlene.

Darlene:
Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Becky:
You are the wind beneath my wings.

Roseanne:
All right, knock it off.

Darlene:
See you, bubble butt.

Becky:
Later, Morticia.

Roseanne:
Monday, we'll go to the gynecologist and get you some birth control.

Darlene:
[puzzled] Why?

Roseanne:
Well, because I just don't think I'm responsible enough to be a grandmother yet.

Darlene:
Nothing happened last night, I told you that.

Roseanne:
Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night in your room. I'm not stupid!

Darlene:
Yeah well, neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?

Roseanne:
Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.

Darlene:
Really? You can't!

[long pause]

Roseanne:
You mean you can hear us?

Darlene:
Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.

Jackie:
Hi, guys. Oh, you guys are not going to believe the time I had at that singles dance last night. [The family watches as she puts bread in the toaster...] I haven't even been home yet. Not that I met anybody or anything, [...puts milk in the blender...] but Nancy and I had a few, so I just decided to crash at her place for a while, you know, just for the night. [...takes food out of the freezer] You ought to turn the freezer up. It's getting kind of warm in there. Anyway...

Roseanne:
Jackie, let me make you some breakfast, okay, because...

Jackie:
Roseanne, I'm right in the middle of a story here, okay? [She puts the food in the microwave] Anyway, the second we walk in the door, Nancy starts throwing herself at any jerk who's wearing Old Spice, [...goes to the phone to make a call...] which leaves me completely alone, having to fight off this whole parade of losers. [...takes chocolate mix from the pantry to the blender] This one guy actually said, "you're under arrest for stealing my heart." It was priceless! Pathetic! I just want to... see if any of 'em called. Hey, there's a message from you on here, Roseanne. What do you need candles and flashlights for? [She tries turning on the blender, and realizes the electricity is out] Oh.

Roseanne:
Well, we don't have any lights, but now we know the speed of Stupid.

Jackie:
[calling the electric company to try to get Roseanne's lights back on] Did you tell them you have children?

Roseanne:
Yeah. They don't want 'em.

Darlene:
Mom wants me to go on the pill because Becky had sex.

Dan:
[pauses] ...I don't think that'll work.

Darlene:
I don't believe this! You guys are both treating me like I'm Becky! I'm not Becky! I don't go to the mall like Becky, I don't do great laundry like Becky, I don't love school like Becky, and I don't sleep with my boyfriend like Becky!

Roseanne:
So what are you getting at, Becky?

Darlene:
What I'm getting at, Mother, is I'm stuck here, so I'm paying for how SHE screwed up! If you guys have a problem, you deal with Becky. Leave me out of it. [storms out, slamming the door]

Roseanne:
Remember how excited we were when she first learned to talk?

Roseanne:
Darlene, come on in here and meet your Aunt Jackie's new boyfriend. [taking Darlene aside] Now, she's really sensitive about the age thing, see, so we're all on our best behavior.

Darlene:
Yeah, okay.

Roseanne:
Fisher, this is our little Darlene.

Darlene:
[to Fisher] Aren't you in my science class?

Roseanne:
Well, she held out longer than I thought she would.

Roseanne:
I like the kids poor, that way they don't clash with the furniture.

Darlene:
I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.

Dan:
Denny's.

Roseanne:
Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]

Darlene:
What are these for?

Dan:
Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.

Roseanne:
Surprise! We want you to leave!

Darlene:
Yes! That's just what I always wanted!

Roseanne:
Well, I know my kid.

Darlene:
So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.

Roseanne:
Well, that was kinda for us.

Dan:
"Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!

Roseanne:
What? You're not gone yet?

Darlene:
Leaving.

Roseanne:
Oh, Darlene?

Darlene:
Yes?

Roseanne:
[sighs] I hate your hair.

Darlene:
[smiles] Thanks, Mommy!

Jackie:
I'll take this one. Truth or dare?

Roseanne:
Truth.

Jackie:
Okay. Wouldn't you really like to be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant?

Roseanne:
You and Nancy?

Nancy:
Yeah, I'm going into the business too. Isn't that wild?

Roseanne:
You guys are gonna do it without me?

Jackie:
You said you didn't want to do it.

Roseanne:
No, I didn't! I said I couldn't do it!

Jackie:
What's the difference?

Roseanne:
There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!

Molly:
[playing video games with D.J.] I love these games. We used to play them all the time back in Iowa.

D.J.:
Without electricity?

Molly:
[puzzled] What?

D.J.:
Darlene says there's no electricity or lights where you come from, but that's okay, 'cause you can't read anyway.

Molly:
[angry] Oh yeah? Well, what else did she say?

D.J.:
You guys keep live chickens in your kitchen and kill 'em with your bare hands.

Molly:
Oh, really?

D.J.:
Yeah. But there's one part I don't get. How can someone's sister be their mom?

Darlene:
[to D.J.] You're about to become a strange smell in the attic!

Darlene:
[angry at David for letting Molly flirt with him] Oh come on, you don't go for that flirty, cutesy Barbie-doll crap, do ya? I mean, she was so obvious.

David:
I dunno. I guess for some guys it would probably make them feel, y'know, like a man.

Darlene:
[struts up to David and touches him seductively] I can make you feel like a man, David... Take out the trash. [walks away]

Young Roseanne:
You shouldn't eat that, Jackie.

Young Jackie:
Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.

Young Roseanne:
[chuckles] Oh, right.

Young Jackie:
Why shouldn't I eat it?

Young Roseanne:
Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.

Young Jackie:
That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.

Young Roseanne:
Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]

Adult Roseanne:
[with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.

Dan:
[dressed as decapitated Marie Antoinette holding her own head (Jackie)] I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going in the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!

Jackie:
I've got to go sometime, Dan.

Dan:
Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!

Jackie:
Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.

Dan:
Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!

Roseanne:
[having seen her future self—a stereotypical housewife] Oh my God, I've become what I hate most.

Ghost of Halloween Future:
Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.

Roseanne:
I don't want to.

Ghost of Halloween Future:
You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.

Roseanne:
Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.

Jackie:
Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.

Bev:
All right, Jackie, I'm all set.

Roseanne:
Why is my mother here?

Ghost of Halloween Future:
That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.

Roseanne:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Nancy:
Thank God we all brought our ovaries.

Molly:
They're so cute. Which one do you want?

Darlene:
The one that'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.

Molly:
C'mon, will you lighten up?!

Darlene:
Look, I have a boyfriend, I don't need these jerks. Now can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.

Molly:
Well, it's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?

Darlene:
Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.

Sean:
[tries to put his arm around Darlene]

Darlene:
Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.

Darlene:
Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.

Sean:
Look, I apologize for my friend. I mean, he's a real jerk. I mean, it's obviously a bad idea to go into somebody's van who you hardly even know. So it's lucky for you I happen to have a couple of joints right here.

Darlene:
Oh, man. I feel like I'm the middle of a really bad Afterschool Special.

Dan:
I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.

Roseanne:
Where in the hell have you been?

Darlene:
Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to wave down a cab.

Dan:
I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.

Darlene:
It was a bad neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.

Roseanne:
Cut the crap, OK? You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.

Roseanne:
Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.

Molly:
Well, why are you raggin' on me?

Roseanne:
'Cause that's what I do. I did it with Becky, I do it with Darlene, but doin' it with you is even more fun 'cause I can yell at you all I want and I don't have to buy you a car.

Molly:
I don't have to listen to this!

Roseanne:
Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.

Darlene:
Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?

D.J.:
Try to steal it from him.

Darlene:
No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?

Dan:
There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie is back from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!

Roseanne, Dan, Darlene:
(cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!

(Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)

Woman at Game:
Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?

(Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)

Roseanne:
Well Dan, I guess you're just so damn proud of your kid out there, ramming people and smashing into them that you just had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!

Dan:
I had to. The hooker made him nervous.

Jackie:
Come on, you gave me my first sip of beer.

Roseanne:
That was different. I was drunk.

Jackie:
(after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.

Roseanne:
Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!

Jackie:
No, it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.

Roseanne:
Why? You can't be cured.

Jackie:
Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.

Roseanne:
Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.

Roseanne:
You think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But you know, I still believe in God, you know, I mean, I'd like to believe that all of the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, could some point I would find out the meaning to, and the reason for, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean, there is a God..there is...I swear to God there is a God. And if there ain't, I've been screwed.

Bev:
[seeing Roseanne and Jackie decorating an asleep Nana Mary] Girls, stop that, you're being stupid and childish. Everyone knows you string lights from the top.

[Roseanne on the phone with Darlene after Darlene tells her that she's stuck at David's house]

Roseanne:
I don't care Darlene, there's no adult there, I want you to go home right now.

Darlene:
Come on mom, you know I vowed to never use my teleportation powers for personal gain.

Mrs. Healey:
What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I will tell you.

David:
Shut up, mom!

Mrs. Healey:
Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!

David:
Why did you even come home?

Mrs. Healey:
You apologize! [slaps David] You apologize to me!

David:
I'm sorry.

Mrs. Healey:
Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! [storms upstairs. David and Darlene are both on the verge of tears]

David:
Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.

Darlene:
Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt. (she hugs him)

Roseanne:
So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?

Dan:
About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.

Roseanne:
Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.

Roseanne:
[after Darlene kisses her] See, Mom, I told you there's a God.

Jackie:
What kind of obscene material could D.J. have?

Roseanne:
Oh, I don't know, probably one of Dan's Playboys or our credit report.

Principal Cecil Alexander:
I want you to know we're usually very happy with D.J. He's a hard worker, listens well in class, although this new dressing-up phase does concern us a little.

Dan:
Kids.

Cecil:
Well, we don't discourage unorthodox dress here. We do discourage, however, students from bringing certain types of reading material to school.

Dan:
[thinking the principal is talking about one of his Playboys] I understand, Cecil. Something that might be perfectly normal and acceptable for adults wouldn't be okay for kids to bring to school.

Cecil:
I'm sorry, but the filth that D.J. was reading couldn't possibly be considered okay anywhere. It's the most offensively sick piece of garbage I've ever seen.

Dan:
[still thinking the principal is referring to a Playboy issue] Didn't you read the articles?

Cecil:
[hands the book to Dan] I didn't see any articles in this.

Dan:
It's a comic book. D.J., you brought a comic book to school. Good boy!

Cecil:
I can see I should've spoken to his mother.

Dan:
[leafing through the comic] Well, look, I...I know it's wrong for kids to bring comics to school and read 'em in class, but hey, they're kids. I know it's not great literature...[turns a page] My God, what kind of diseased mind could create something like this?!

Cecil:
It's obviously some sort of cheap underground thing.

Dan:
Oh, man. Hey, I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?

D.J.:
Darlene made it.

Roseanne:
Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was an ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?

Dan:
Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.

(Roseanne looks at the comic book and laughs, to which Dan is shocked)

Roseanne:
There was a funny part.

Dan:
I'm serious, Rosie. What if Darlene's disturbed, more than we thought?

Roseanne:
Oh, Dan, have you seen some of the comic books she buys lately? They're way more screwed up than that. Warped and depressing's what's cool now.

Dan:
Really?

Roseanne:
Yeah. Finally Darlene's personality pays off.

Dan:
Hey, we had underground comics, but it wasn't like this crap Darlene's doing. Ours were about depraved sex and massive drug abuse. This is a cry for help.

Roseanne:
Well, who knows what they're about? Who even wants to? The longer we don't know what's in Darlene's head, the longer we don't sleep in shifts.

Darlene:
What happened to Aunt Jackie?

Roseanne:
Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.

Darlene:
No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?

Roseanne:
No, why?

Darlene:
Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.

Roseanne:
She didn't tell me nothing about it.

Roseanne:
You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?

Jackie:
W...why can't you just drop it?

Roseanne:
(realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!

Roseanne:
(seeing Dan wrapping an ice pack around his hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), and then go buy chicken, did you?

Dan:
No, I bought the chicken first.

Roseanne:
I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?

Dan:
Well, it started out that way.

Roseanne:
What'd he say?

Dan:
Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.

D.J.:
Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.

Roseanne:
Oh...not now, D.J.

D.J.:
The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!

Roseanne:
God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?

D.J.:
I got a D.

Roseanne:
It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.

D.J.:
Geez, it was only one time, give a break!

Roseanne:
You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.

D.J.:
OK!

Roseanne:
Now I need you to do me a favor.

Darlene:
OK.

Roseanne:
OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?

Darlene:
Well, well, well!

Dan:
[groaning] Aww, man!

Darlene:
(grinning) My, my, my, my, my!

Dan:
What are you doing here?

Darlene:
You know, I'll bet when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.

Dan:
Where's your mom?

Darlene:
Organizing the candlelight vigil.

Dan:
Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...

Darlene:
Oh, I think you do. She took Aunt Jackie to the hospital, so I'm here to post bail. But I'm a minor, so that means I have to give the money to the suspect... which I guess would be you.

Dan:
Gimme the money.

Darlene:
All right, but I want you to know it's coming out of your allowance.

Darlene:
I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.

Roseanne:
Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash! [everyone dances and claps while Dan plays "Oh! Susanna" on his harmonica]

Roseanne:
Now all we need is some little half-wit sittin' in the front yard eating dirt.

D.J.:
[coming in the front door] Hi!

Roseanne:
[to Darlene, who is opening her mouth to speak and pointing at D.J.] AShut up, Darlene.

Jackie:
It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.

Dan:
It's a big job. We had to expand the department.

Roseanne:
You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.

Dan:
Tell me some more wonderful things about myself. Start with my eyes.

Roseanne:
You wanna hear all the things I like about you? Uh - you picked me... [pauses for a few seconds] ...and you fix stuff!

Dan:
Good enough! [gets into bed with Roseanne]

Roseanne:
I left a message on your scum-sucking ex-boyfriend's machine that he better not bring his bony ass over to that apartment while we're moving you out or else i'm gonna bash his skull in. Only I said it mean.

Darlene:
I just couldn't go on being part of the Connor family money-making death machine.

Roseanne:
Oh, now you come up with a name for the restaurant!

Darlene:
Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?

Roseanne:
You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!

Darlene:
[to David, who is heating up a hamburger in the microwave oven] You're still eating meat?

David:
Oh, come on. I tried to stop, okay, but I realized, I'm a carnivore.

Darlene:
So are wolverines, but I don't let them heat up their prey in my microwave.

D.J.:
"Gather round, ye citizens of Lanford, and hear the tale of the founding of your town. Many years ago, Vikings came to America and discovered Lanford, but it was already one of the thirteen colonies. So Abraham Lincoln sent them home. He freed the Vikings. And then the Indians came with Geronimo and..."

Roseanne:
Hey, hey, hold it. Where did you come up with all this stuff?

D.J.:
Darlene told me.

Roseanne:
[to Darlene] Hey, I'm surprised you left out the part where Moses led his people out of Lanford. [to D.J.] Never believe anything Darlene tells you.

Darlene:
Except what I told you about sex. That was all true.

Roseanne:
[to D.J.] I want you to go to the library and look up the real story about the founding of Lanford, OK? Go to where we check out the videos and ask where the books are.

D.J.:
Okay, but I'm looking up the sex thing too, so be ready!

Roseanne:
That's it, I'm not making any more calls. You do the rest of the family list.

Jackie:
[crying] I can't call people, Roseanne!

Roseanne:
Jackie, dial!

Jackie:
I'm supposed to be in mourning.

Roseanne:
Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!

Jackie:
[dials the phone] Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I have some bad news...Dad is not with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No, DEAD!...DEAD!!! ... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!

Bev:
[confronting her late husband's mistress, Joan, in the funeral home] I've waited a long time for this moment, and you will not rob me of it.

Joan:
All right, go ahead.

Bev:
I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!

Ronnie:
Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous 'cause I've made something of myself.

Roseanne:
Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent anyway? I mean, you're from Illinois! You've been talking that away ever since you did that stupid play in high school.

Ronnie:
Well, I'm sorry I don't have your dulcet tones.

Roseanne:
I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a very good reason to hate you: you're a bitch!

Ronnie:
I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.

[pause]

Roseanne:
Good one!

[David tells Darlene that he's running away to New York and he is upset that she won't go with him]

Darlene:
What? So you're just leaving?

David:
What do you care?

Darlene:
Hey I care!

David:
No you don't!

Darlene:
Of course I do! I love you! :[Slight pause, David is shocked] Jerk.

David:
Really? Are you sure?

Darlene:
Yeah, I'm sure you're a jerk.

David:
No I mean not - wow! Why didn't you ever say it before?

Darlene:
Hoping it'd pass.

Mrs. Healy:
I want you to see what kind of ungrateful garbage I've raised!

Roseanne:
Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but, y'know, the kids, they just took a shot at staying together. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world.

Mrs. Healy:
Oh, you don't think so?

Roseanne:
No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!

Mrs. Healy:
Listen to me. I don't want you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Take a look at the two little whores you raised!

Roseanne:
...Oh... I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones. It's people like you that give white trash a bad name.

David:
Please just stop. It's over, okay? I'm not going anywhere, I promise.

Mrs. Healy:
I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you could live without me? You think you could survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! YOU ARE A WORTHLESS LITTLE BASTARD!!!

Roseanne:
OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.

Mrs. Healy:
Are you trying to steal my kid?!

Roseanne:
It ain't got nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.

Roseanne:
Dan, I wouldn't ordinarily do this without you, but... I went and had another kid.

Dan:
Is David out there?

Roseanne:
You mean Dan Jr.?

[David just moved into the house and cast the tie-breaking vote for hamburger over pizza]

Dan:
My God, I can feel it. The hormonal balance in this house has shifted. AND THE MEN ARE VICTORIOUS! [in mock British accent] Come men, let us repair to the living room. We shall watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.

Roseanne and Darlene:
[after Dan, D.J. and David leave, look at each other and chuckle] Pizza.

Roseanne:
And David, while you live here, you'll be home by curfew, you will keep your room clean. You will be the child we've never had.

David:
Okay, that's fair.

Dan:
These are just the rules today. We reserve the right to change the rules at any time, for your safety, for your education, or for our amusement. That is the price of living in our kingdom.

Roseanne:
Welcome to Roseannadu.

Dan:
I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.

Roseanne:
You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.

Dan:
My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!

Dan:
Rosey We Need to talk. We Gotta do our anniversary another night. I gotta work tomorrow.

Roseanne:
You gotta work tomorrow?

Molly:
I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.

Roseanne:
Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.

David:
Molly, what are you talking about? You know I'm going out with Darlene!

Molly:
David, you're cute, and you're smart... and you deserve someone who doesn't sleep hanging upside down!

David:
Hey, you don't know anything about me and Darlene!

Molly:
I know she treats you like crap!

David:
Come on, that's not fair; Darlene treats everyone like crap!

Roger:
Everybody has that doubtful in their heads, but sometimes you've just gotta ignore it!

Dan:
Well, my little voice is extremely loud and can deny me sex.

Dan:
Aw man, we're screwed.

Roseanne:
No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.

Roseanne:
No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.

Dan:
Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.

Roseanne:
You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.

Dan:
You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!