Sam & Cat

Sam:
I don't have anywhere I really need to be, and you kinda seem like you need a roommate.

Cat:
Are you saying what I think you're saying?!

Sam:
Yeah.

Cat:
Your gonna stay here with me in L.A. for a while and help me find a roommate?!

Sam:
I already found you a roommate!

Cat:
[throws her money on the couch] Shut up, who is she?!

Sam:
Me!

Cat:
Oh my god! [runs and hugs Sam] This is the best day ever! So much better than yesterday when we were in garbage.

Sam:
Isn't it?

Taco Truck Owner:
Hey! Aren't you Sam from iCarly?

Sam:
Are you a cop?

Taco Truck Owner:
No.

Sam:
Then Yeah, I'm Sam.

Cat:
What if I fall in the toilet and get stuck again?

Sam:
If she gets stuck in the toilet again, would you please text me a pic of that?

Dice:
  You look like Sam from that web show iCarly.

Sam:
  Nah, that chick is way hotter than me.

Cat:
  (giggles) She is Sam!

Dice:
  Woah, you're awesome!

Sam:
  Yeah.

[Cat gets into the sofa bed next to Sam]

Sam:
  Uh, what are you doing?

Cat:
  I'm gonna sleep next to you so you don't get scared.

Sam:
  I'm not gonna get scare— Oh, whatever.

Cat:
  So, how long you going to be in L.A.?

Sam:
  Uh… I don't know.

Cat:
  Well, don't you want to get back to Seattle?

Sam:
  Eh, I'm in no rush. I mean, my best friend moved to Italy with her dad, and my mom is kind of a nut job.

Little girl:
  Can you take Darby?  He's heavy!  [hands the baby to Cat]

Cat:
  No, you guys, I gotta go!  Here.  [hands the baby to Sam]

Sam:
  Woah, I don't want this beast!  [places the baby in a flower pot]  Oh, yeah, pretty flowers.

Nona:
  [inside a sack getting pushed through the front door in a trolley by some young kids]  Aah!

Cat:
  Nona!

Sam:
  Nice sack.

Sam:
  What happened to you?

Nona:
  Those little demons happened to me!

Dice:
  And guess what I got today?

Cat:
  Ooh, is it something?

Dice:
  I got hair from Will Smith, Katy Perry.  I got Ryan Seacrest, Justin Bieber—

Cat:
  How much for the Bieber?!

Dice:
  Thirty dollars.

Cat:
  I'll take it!

Sam:
  Hey!  Don't pick up that trash can!  There's a girl in there!

Cat:
  Oh, my god!  [gets tipped out of the trash can into a garbage truck]

Sam:
  C'mon, elderlies love living with other elderlies!  They eat dinner at four o'clock and talk about pills.

Cat:
  [pulls Sam out from inside the sofa bed]  That's not how you sleep on a sofa bed.

Cat:
  Oh, please!  You saved me from being squished in garbage!  Let me repay you with the gift of bathing!

Dice:
  Save your snot!

Sam:
  You're a weird kid!

Sam:
  You got another robe I could wear?  You know, one that doesn't make me look like a vomiting rainbow.

Cat:
  [loudly into a megaphone]  I'm stopping my vehicle!

Cat:
  Hi!  What's wrong?

Young boy:
  We can't find our cat.

Cat:
  Shut up, my name is Cat!

Young boy:
  Can you help us find our cat?

Sam:
  How much Bieber did you sniff?!

Sam:
  And why is there a battery in my burrito?

Sam:
  Let's see.  You have red hair and I'm blonde, so I get 130 and you get no-hundred and 20.  [gives Cat $20]

Cat:
  Ooo, thank you!

Cat:
  We have to give him C-3PO!

Sam:
  CPR?

Cat:
  Okay, we'll try that first!

Cat:
  Where's my Nona?!

Cat:
  Is it okay if she stays here with us tonight?

Nona:
  Hmm…sure. I assume you don't have a prison record.  [laughs with Cat]

Sam:
  Yeah…you assume that.

Cat:
  Who's gonna make me soup?

Nona:
  You can learn.

Cat:
  I can?

Nona:
  Sure, you just open the can, pour it into a bowl, and put it in the microwave.

Cat:
  Wait, slow down…

Cat:
  You left the baby in the bush!?

Sam:
  I'm getting the baby!

Cat:
  Bye!  [gum falls out of her mouth and into a trash can]  Dang it!  My gum fell out of my mouth!

Cat:
I'm gonna faint. I'm gonna puke. I'm gonna fuke!

Sam:
How was school?

Cat:
Learn-y.

Cat:
Oh, my gosh, that was so much fun!

Sam:
Not so much for this guy. [picks up a dead rat and throws it away]

Sam:
Hey! Quit sniffing the Biebs.

Cat:
I can't help it! He smells so talented!

[Cat starts tickling Sam on the motorcycle]

Sam:
Don't tickle me.

[Cat stops, puts her fingers in Sam's ears]

Sam:
Take your fingers out of my ears.

[Cats removes fingers, starts drumming on Sam's helmet with her hands]

Sam:
This is gonna be a long ride.

Cat:
  Our first real customer!  Now we're professional babysitters!  Shh!  Just be cool, he doesn't have to know we're new at this.

Sam:
  He's three feet away.

[Cat turns around and the customer waves at her]

Cat:
 Woop woop woop!  Shh!  Be cool!

Sam:
  I'll try to control myself.

Sam:
  Try to escape, eh?  Well, now you go in the hole, see?  [eats the bone rib]

Sam:
  Okay, Math.  Let's see.  [looks at the t.v.]  Channel two plus channel five equals channel seven.

Sam:
  That show was a big hit!  What kind of t.v. network cancels a big hit?!

Cat:
  It's insane!  They're not even gonna do a big final episode!

Sam:
  What?!

Little boy:
  Can someone read me a story?

Cat:
  No.

Little boy:
  Is toothpaste a vegetable?

Sam:
  No.

Little boy:
  Can I jump off the roof?

Sam & Cat:
  Yes.

Sam:
  Look, on t.v. shows, they don't own a usual pear computer, so they change the pear to a banana.

Cat:
  Oh!  That's so clever.

[door bell goes "ding dong"]

Cat:
  Ding dong.

Sam:
  Why'd you do that?

Cat:
  Do what?

Dice:
  Aww, you're sweet.

Sam:
  [removes Dice's hat, pulls him toward her by his shirt]  Never call me sweet.

Sam:
  You know what you need?

Cat:
  My own unicorn?

Ruby:
  Wait!

Nona:
  Yes?

Gwen:
  We want to buy that card.

Cat:
  But I'm buying it.  Here's my $5.

Gwen:
  I'll give you $10 for that card.

Cat:
  I'll pay you $50 for that card.

Gwen:
  $100!

Cat:
  $200!

Nona:
  [brings her hand up to her heart]  Ugh, my pace maker!

Gwen:
  Alright, I'll buy that bingo card for $500!

[everyone in the room gasps]

Nona:
  I'm sorry, but I have to sell the card to this little foreign girl.

Cat:
  But…but…but…

Ruby:
  Yes!

[the two girls walk off, then they turn around and blow raspberries at Cat]

Sam:
  The next number is…G41.

[everyone awws]

Gwen:
  Yes!  Look, Ruby, we got another one!

Ruby:
  We should go to Vegas!

Sam:
  Okay, the next number is… [sarcastically trying to trick everyone, especially the two little girls] …ahh, there's a scratch on this number; I should probably just throw this one in the trash—

Gwen:
  Just say the number!

Ruby:
  Get on with it!

Sam:
  …B7.

Gwen & Ruby:
  Bingo!!

[everyone awws]

Gwen:
  We just won a giant television machine!

Ruby:
  Wooo!

Cop:
  [enters whistling]  Okay, this is a raid.

[everyone gasps]

Nona:
  We are being raided?

Cop:
  This is an illegal bingo game.

Sam:
  Since when is bingo illegal?

Cop:
  When you're giving away a prize worth over $2,000.

Sam:
  Cat!  You're running an illegal bingo game!

Cat:
  But it was Nona's idea!

Nona:
  I don't even know these girls!

Cat:
  That snack…that snack she's eating!  Is she eating… [grabs the little girl eating bibble, smells her breath]

Ruby:
  Bibble!

[Cat lets go, walks backwards screaming]

Gwen:
  You want some?

Cat:
  No!  Yes!  I mean, how much bibble do you have?!

Gwen:
  We brought a big tin jug of it…

Ruby:
  …from England.

[Cat screams, picks up and hugs both of the little girls]

Cat:
  I'm baaaaaack!!  [runs with her jug of bibble to the kitchen]  I got bibble!  I got bibble!!  I'm back and I got bibble!!  Woooooooo!!

Dice:
  Did you get my money back?

Cat:
  Yes!  At first.

Sam:
  And then what?

Cat:
  And then, they had this big tin jug of bibble which I bought!  Where's my spife?  [looks and finds her spife]  There's my spife!  [starts to open the jug of bibble]

Sam:
  Wait, how much did you spend on that can?

Cat:
  The can was free; I just paid for the bibble inside.

Dice:
  How much?

Cat:
  $500!  Plus my bike!  [points at Dice]  Don't judge me.  [carries on opening the bibble]

Sam:
  You gave those little Brit brats all Dice's money?!

Cat:
  And my bike!  Everybody clear?  Everybody up to speed?  I hope so 'cause I gotta eat me some bibble!  [opens the tin jug to find a load of cotton swabs]

Cat:
  Cotton swabs?!

Cat:
  I fell off my bike, but I don't think I broke any of my parts.

Cat:
  So what do you guys wanna do?

Gwen:
  Oh, anything would be lovely.

Ruby:
  Lovely.

Cat:
  We could make some tea.

Sam:
  You could do our laundry.

Cat:
  We could play games.

Sam:
  You could rub my feet.

Cat:
  We could sing songs.

Sam:
  While you rub my feet.

Dice:
  Those little girls were supposed to sell me five new Pear Phone sixes.  And they sold me rocks!  Rocks!

Cat:
  They're nice rocks.

Dice:
  Who cares?!

Cat:
  Any rock collector would.

Cat:
  Is that my toothbrush?

Sam:
  Would I have a toothbrush that did this?

[music starts playing from the toothbrush, Cat starts dancing]

[doorbell]

Sam:
  Here, pick a channel.  Nothing educational.

[the goat changes the t.v. channel; Sam opens the entrance door]

Sam:
  Yeah?

Dilben:
  Let me in.

Sam:
  Why?

Dilben:
  Thank you.  [watches a goat in the sofa]  Ahoy!  I knew I smelled an animal.

Sam:
  Ahoy?

Dilben:
  You're not allowed to have that beast in this building.

Sam:
  Why are you wearing a cape?

Dilben:
  Because I am.

Sam:
  Are you a magician?

Dilben:
  No.

Sam:
  Superhero?

Dilben:
  No.  I wear a cape because I like capes.

Sam:
  Weirdos like capes.

Dilben:
  [shows the printed papers]  See this here?

Sam:
  No.

Dilben:
  This paper.

Sam:
  Did something poop on your forehead?

Dilben:
  I command you to listen to me!

[Sam places two donuts on her ears]

Dilben:
  This says, "Residents of this building may keep cats or small dogs.  No other animals allowed."

Sam:
  Are caped weirdos allowed?

Dilben:
  You're new to this building, aren't you?

Sam:
  Kinda.

Dilben:
  Well, I happen to be a big deal around here.  And you have one day to get rid of that goat.

Sam:
  That's not a goat.

Dilben:
  Is, too.

Sam:
  It's a cat.

Dilben:
  That's a lie.

Sam:
  It's a small dog.

Dilben:
  Another lie!

Sam:
  So you have no friends?

Dilben:
  Irrelevant!  Sign this, to show that you've been warned about your goat.

Sam:
  I'm not signing anything.

Dilben:
  You will sign it!  Or I won't leave.  [the next scene depicts Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  How dare you put my shirt around my waist and my pants around my torso!

Sam:
  Thanks for stopping by.

Dilben:
 You give me back my cape!

Sam:
  No.

Dilben:
  Why not?!

Sam:
  Because young boys shouldn't wear capes.  [closes door]

Dilben:
  [leaving]  Sherlock Holmes wore a cape.

[someone knocks the door twice]

Cat:
  Come in, Dice.

Dilben:
  I'm not Dice.  I'm—

Sam:
  Get out.

Cat:
  No.  Um, hi, Dilben!  Come in.  Would you like a muffin?

Dilben:
  I spit on your muffins.

Cat:
  You should try butter.

Dilben:
  Your goat is still here.

Sam:
  It's not our goat.

Cat:
  We're just babysitting him.

Dilben:
  Yeah, right.

Sam:
  Hey, you got another cape.

Dilben:
  I wanna speak to your grandmother.

Cat:
  My Nona?

Dilben:
  Get her.

Sam:
  She doesn't live here anymore.

Dilben:
  Whaaat?

Cat:
  She moved to Elderly Acres.

Sam:
  Yup.

Dilben:
  Interesting.  And who else lives here with you two?

Cat:
  Nobody.

Dilben:
  Delicious.

Sam:
  What are you yammin' about?

Dilben:
  Building rules!  All apartments must have at least one adult resident.  And since you're both in high school, and you're keeping a goat!  My father has two reasons to throw you out!  [tries to leave the house but Sam interrupts him]

Sam:
  Dilben.

Dilben:
  Yeeees.

Sam:
  Before you go… [the next scene shows Dilben with his shirt around his waist and his pants over his head, once again kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Enjoy your Saturday.

Dilben:
  I still have one more cape!

Sam:
  Suck a truck.  [closes door]

Dilben:
  [leaving]  I will not suck a truck!  Or enjoy my Saturday!

Sam:
  [opens door]  Alright, Dilben, you can have your cape back!  [Dilben runs to the door trying to get his cape back]  Whoops!  [closes the door; Dilben fails and leaves]

Nona:
  Call Dr. Stanky.

Cat:
  Dr. Stanky!

Sam:
  Use your phone.

Cat:
  Boys, boys, boys!  Fighting is never the answer!  Now let's try using our words.

Cat:
  You know what they say, "Easy like a goat."

Sam:
  Who says that?

Cat:
  The goat keepers?

[doorbell]

Cat:
  Ding dong.

Sam:
  Ugh!  That's Dilben.

Cat:
  Okay, Goomer, are you ready?

Goomer:
  Yep.  I'm Uncle live here, and I'm you.

Cat:
  No!  You're our uncle and you live here!

Goomer:
  Uncle Fudge.

Sam and Cat:
  No!

Cat:
  [opens the entrance door]  Hi, Dilben.  This must be your dad.

Dilben's father:
  May we come in?

Cat:
  Well, sure.

Sam:
  Just get in the shower with the goat and make sure he stays there.

Dice:
  I don't wanna get in the shower with a goat!

Sam:
  Shower with the goat!

Dice:
  Oh!

Sam:
  Bleh!

[Dice runs to the bathroom]

Dilben's father:
  So my son tells me that you're living here with a goat.

Sam:
  Not anymore.

Cat:
  No more goat.

Dilben:
  They had a goat.

Sam:
  Well, now we don't.

Cat:
  Sam!

Dilben:
  And they're living here by themselves without a proper grown-up.

Sam:
  By ourselves?

Cat:
  Uncle Goomer?  [Goomer doesn't want to respond as he wishes to be called "Uncle Fudge"]

Sam:
  Uncle Fudge?

Goomer:
  Oh, hi.  I'm their uncle, and I live here.

Cat:
  With us.

Goomer:
  With them.

Sam:
  And he's twenty-seven.

Cat:
  Yup, wanna see his I.D.?

Sam:
  They don't need to see his I.D.

Dilben's father:
  I would like to see his I.D.

Goomer:
  Sure, I got it right here in my pants.

Sam:
  You don't need to show them your I.D.

Goomer:
  Here it is.

[the goat bleats, runs to the room; Dice runs after it]

Dice:
  Murf!  Come back here!

Dilben:
  Ahoy!

Dilben's father:
  That's a goat!

Sam:
  Well, thanks for swinging by.

Dilben's father:
  Now this says you live in Van Nuys.

Goomer:
  Well…I'm so ashamed.

Dilben:
  Ha!  You girls are outta here.

Cat:
  But this is our home!

Sam:
  Look if you want us outta here then you're gonna have to call the cops.

Unknown man:
  [enters]  Dilben?  Are you in here?  Dilben!

Dilben:
  Uh, what?!  I've never seen that man before in my life; go away, dad—uh…stranger.

Sam:
  Who are you?

Unknown man:
  Dilben's father.

Dilben:
  No!

Cat:
  Well, then who's this man?

Dilben's fake father:
  All right then.  I can clear this up.  [runs out the house, scared]

Sam:
  What is going on?

Cat:
  This is getting kinda weird.

Goomer:
  I'm Uncle Fudge.

Sam:
  Shut up.

Dilben's true father:
  Has Dilben been telling you that his father owns this building?

Cat:
  Uh-huh.

Sam:
  Yeah.

Dilben's true father:
  Well, I don't.

Sam:
  You're really his father?

Dilben's true father:
  That's right.  He's embarrassed of me because of my job.

Cat:
  What's your job?

Dilben's true father:
  I sell—

Dilben:
  Don't say it!

Dilben's true father:
  I sell wide shoes to wide-footed women.

Dilben:
  Oh, no!  Aaah!  [sits on the sofa, embarrassed]

Sam:
  Yowza.

Cat:
  Why is it such a big deal?

Dilben:
  You think it's easy being unlikable and having a dad, who sells wide shoes to wide-footed women?!

Dilben's true father:
  You think it's fun for me, having a son who wears capes?!

Dilben:
  They're fashionable!

Sam:
  Okay, ho ho hold on.  So…you're just an annoying kid who lives in this building?

Dilben's true father:
  He certainly is.

Cat:
  And you just sell wide shoes?

Dilben's true father:
  To wide-footed women, yes.

Sam:
  Well, since neither of you have any power over us… [the next scene shows Dilben and his true father with their shirts around their waists and their pants over their heads, kicked out of the apartment by Sam]  Bye!  [closes door]

Cat:
  Murf sneezed on Goomer.

Goomer:
  Bad dog.

Cat:
  She's always texting me about wazzing.

Sam:
  Sometimes while I'm wazzing.

Mrs. Torso:
  I thought I told you not to come.

Sam:
  You did.

Mrs. Torso:
  Then, why are you here?

Sam:
  Oh, because we don't care what you say.

Cat:
  [laughs]  She's so disrespectful!

Cat:
  Vice President of what?

Sam:
  I think it's the Vice President of America.

Cat:
  Oh.  Do we know what his name is?

Sam:
  Nah, we're just high school students.

Cat:
  In school, we learned the ancient Indians used to weave rugs.

Mrs. Torso:
  What are you, dumb?

Sam:
  Hey! Weave her alone.

Cat:
  [Laughs] She is all up in your business!

Sam:
  That red headed girl is done with her food.

Bugles:
  Understood! [Takes Cat's food]

Cat:
  No! [Angry at Sam] You lied to a robot!

Cat:
  Look, there's a naked robot!

Sam:
  Where?

Cat:
It's a machine!

Sam:
Please don't show me what it does.

Cat:
Watch what it does! [flips the switch] See? I flipped the switch, and then the machine flipped it back to its original position.

Sam:
Please don't show me again.

Cat:
Watch again!

Cat:
I want five yo-yos.

Dice:
You can have one yo-yo.

Cat:
Five!

Dice:
Four!

Cat:
Three!

Dice:
Two!

Cat:
One!

Dice:
Okay, one yo-yo.

Cat:
Haha, sucker!

Sam:
  We're ceiling inspectors.

Cat:
  Here to check your ceiling.

Sam:
  It's the overhead kind. Put a check by that.

Cat:
  Check by that!

Sam:
(to Goomer) What do we call your mom?

Cat:
Oh, yeah, what's her last name?

Goomer:
Same as mine: Merr. So just call her Mrs. Merr.

Sam:
Wait, your last name is Merr?

Goomer:
Yeah, my Daddy was French, so my first name is Gieux, and my last name is Merr. See? Gieux Merr.

Sam:
Gieux.

Cat:
Merr. Like what those three wise guys brought baby Jesus.

Sam:
(to Sikowitz) We need to use this classroom.

Sikowitz:
You strike me as pushy.

Cat:
She can be pushy.

Sam:
I can also be punchy and kicky.

Cat:
  That makes sense, even to me!

Nona:
  These pork fingers are so spicy! Oh! My mouth is on fire! Oh!

Bugles:
  [sprays Nona with fire extinguisher] Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire!

Goomer:
  Where's your motorcycle?

Sam:
  Oh, it's right over—[sees motorcycle is gone]

Sam:
  [violently shakes Cat] CAAAAAAAT! WAKE UP! Where is my motorcycle?! WHERE...IS...MY...MOTORCYCLE?!?!

Sam:
  Hey!  This is America—you speak either English or Spanish!

Cat:
  Excuse me!  I am looking for an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember.  Has anyone seen an elderly man who I do not know and whose face I do not remember?

Sam:
  Anyway, don't look at it like we're babysitting ya.  You'll just be, like, crashing here with your two cool teenage buds.

Cat:
  Cat and Sam.

Sam:
  I don't like it when you say it that way.

Cat:
  Sam and Cat.

Sam:
  Better.

Sam:
  Hello!  Dice!  You still there?  If you let us out now, I promise I won't break both of your legs!

Cat:
  Hey, Sam.  Try to open the door to the safe so we can get outta here!

Sam:
  Wow, why didn't I think of that?

Goomer:
  What's the combination?

Cat:
  Nine oh two nine one!

Sam:
  That's our zip code.

Cat:
  Five seven three two

Sam:
  That's your phone number.

Cat:
  I give up.

Cat:
(to Oscar) But babysitting is supposed to make kids happy! Don't you wanna be happy?

Oscar:
I don't know. What's it like?

Cat:
Did you hear that?

Sam:
You hear this? (snores)

[Whenever he gets injured]

Oscar:
Predicament!

Mrs. Lurkin:
Come on, Oscar. I'm taking you away from these irresponsible girls!

Oscar:
No!

Mrs. Lurkin:
What?

Oscar:
First, you apologize to Sam and Cat.

Mrs. Lurkin:
Apologize? For what?

Oscar:
For shouting at them after they gave me the best day of my life. Yeah, I got hurt, real bad, but for the first time of my life, I actually had fun.

Cat:
We had fun with you too, Oscar.

Sam:
Kinda.

Mrs. Lurkin:
Oscar, what is your point?

Oscar:
That living life trying new things is worth getting a little hurt sometimes.

Cat:
Yeah, haven't you heard the 47 songs about what doesn't kill you makes you stronger?

Sam:
I don't want to babysit.

Cat:
We're getting paid double.

Sam:
I like this plan.

Sam:
Is there a spell in there that can turn my mom into a woman with a job?

Peezy B (to Sam):
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What's your name, Goldilocks?

Sam:
Puckett.

Peezy B:
Well, guess what, Puckett?

Sam:
What?

Peezy B:
You got swag and you got spunk. You got that swaggy spunk!

Narrator (on Dice's laptop screen):
  Heeeeeeeeyyyy kkkkkiiiiiddddssss.  It's time for the wet and wacky world of Salmon Cat.  Today's episode is about SSSSSHHHHHAAAAAARRRIIIINNNNNNGGGG.

Sam:
  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Ugh.  This is TTTTTTTOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRTTTTTTTTTUUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRREEEEEEEE.

Cat:
  [watching Salmon Cat on the screen]  Shh!  I like it!

Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):
  Meow meow meow meow meow.  I've got a whole bag of candy!

Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):
  Oink, oink, oink!  Hi there, Salmon Cat!

Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):
  Hi there, Octo Piggy!

Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):
  Can I have some candy?

Salmon Cat (on Dice's laptop screen):
  Noooooooooo.

Octo Piggy (on Dice's laptop screen):
  But I was hoping you would SSSSSHHHHHHAAAAAARRRREEEE some of your candy with me!

Sam:
  [sick of the show]  Okay.  I can't watch any more of this trash.

Cat:
Well, what movie did you see?

Sam:
"Blood Monkeys: Chimpley Strikes Back."

Cat:
[gasps] That's rated R!

Sam:
So?

Randy:
[angrily] That movie messed me up, man!

Cat:
Well, I am really smart.

Sam:
[spits out her drink and laughs] Say that again!

Cat:
I said, "I am really smart".

Sam:
[spits out her drink and laughs again]

Melanie:
Now, why did I have to come here?

Sam:
'Cause I need to mess with my roommate's head.

Melanie:
Okay...so I'm supposed to be you. [points at Sam]

Sam:
No! You're gonna be evil, insane, wild, and dangerous.

Melanie:
So...you.

Sam:
Me...times a hundred.

Melanie:
Wait, you mean the "twinfection" thing?

Sam:
Uh-huh.

Melanie:
Oh, Sam, you know no one's dumb enough to fall for that.

Sam:
[laughs] Let me tell you a little about my roommate. [smiles]

Sam:
I tricked Cat, I tricked Cat, I'm so cool 'cause I tricked Cat! [Myron and Byron jump up and start dancing] I tricked Cat with my twin sister!

Cat:
What are-

Sam:
Her name is Melanie and she's dancing too!

Cat:
What are they doing here?

Sam:
I don't know!

Cat:
(to Ellie) Let's make a deal. How about we buy you any two desserts you want and you throw Poober in the toilet?

Sam:
Hey, Cat?

Cat:
Hey.

Sam:
How did Ellie know that our money was in the pineapple?

Cat:
[nervously changes the subject] Umm....oh, Spanish Talk Radio! I wonder what they're saying, I'll turn it up. Oh.

Sam:
[turns off the radio]

Cat:
I know I shouldn't have told Ellie about the pineapple, but it seemed like a good move at the time.

Sam:
Dang it, Cat!

Doctor:
  Nurse, what is your name?

Sam:
  Sally Meatballs. [Jumps out window]

Stacey:
  I'm suspicious.

Cat:
  Officer. Officer. Could you turn on the radio?

Officer Kelvin:
  Yeah, sure. Hey, and maybe later, we'll go get some pizza and go to the mall and meet some boys.

Cat:
  I think he's being sarcastic.

Sam:
  [sarcastic] No!

Cat:
  Sam?

Sam:
  What?

Cat:
  Could you please pull over so I could put on my seat belt?

Sam:
  No!

Sam:
  Get the keys from the cop?

Cat:
  Okay. Which one?

Sam:
  The one I'm sitting on!

Lucas:
(to his brother Jepson) Why you got to be so... lumpatious?!

Woman:
Hmm, do you have an appointment?

Cat:
Yeah, I made one online.

Woman:
Cat Valentine and Samantha Pookay?

Sam:
It's Puckett.

Woman:
My screen says Pookay.

Cat:
I'm pretty sure it's Pookay.

Sam:
Shouldn't I know?

Cat:
Yeah, you should!

Dice:
I'm in major trouble here.

Sam:
No, you're not! 'Cause I'm gonna jump the tuna.

Dice:
Yes.

Cat:
You promised me you wouldn't.

Sam:
Oh, what do you care? You can't like me very much if you're gonna flirt with my ex-boyfriend right in front of my face.

Cat:
W-well you flirted with Robbie right in front of my face.

Sam:
Oh, you mean like this? Mmm… that was some tasty Robbie.

Cat:
Y'know what? Jump your stupid motorcycle over the tuna fish.

Freddie:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. That sounds dangerous.

Cat:
It is… and I don't care what happens to you.

Cat:
I thought you guys were fighting.

Sam:
Why would we be fighting?

Cat:
Well, you're both anti-social misfits, filled with anger and rage.

Jade:
Wait. Is that why you haven't invited me over ever since you moved in?

Sam:
And why you never wanted me to meet her?

Cat:
Yeah.

Jade:
What'd you think would happen?

Cat:
Murder.

Jade:
Do you wanna murder me?

Sam:
No, I'm good.

Nona:
Who are those boys in the water?

Jade:
It's Frobbie! Somebody save Frobbie!

Freddie:
Please don't call us that!

Cat:
[Screams excessively until fainting]

Robbie:
If you love Sam, why have you been going around Los Angeles fadoodling with Cat?

Freddie:
I have not been "fadoodling" with Cat.

Cat:
[Raises hands] You could've if you wanted to!

Sam:
Ah, all right. I'll buy everyone a present for Yay Day.

Cat:
Me too?

Sam:
Swear no snooping?

Cat:
Yes. Cross my bra.

Sam:
  Do we have a hammer?

Cat:
  No.

Sam:
  [begins banging head into the door]

Cat:
  Sam, don't do that!  Use this.

Sam:
  I asked you if we had one of those!

Cat:
  You asked me if we had a hammer.

Sam:
  Well, what do you call that?

Cat:
  A nail banger!

State regulator:
What are you two, a couple of dummies? Blue Dog Soda has been banned in California!

Cat:
Banned?!

Sam:
Whaaaaaat?!

Cat:
Why?

State regulator:
'Cause there's too much sugar in it and thanks to me, the State Bureau of Interference has passed a law: It is now illegal to sell or to drink Blue Dog Soda.

Sam:
That's insane!

Cat:
That's our favorite beverage.

State regulator:
Too bad! Did you know that some people drink 10-12 bottles of this junk per day?

Cat:
Well, we don't!

Sam:
Yeah, but we drink, like, 1 or 2 a week!

State regulator:
Yeah, well, some people drink too much of it.

Sam:
So? Just 'cause some people drink too much of it, now nobody can have any?

State regulator:
That's right! Because the public is too stupid to be trusted with things that they enjoy!

Chinese Woman:
Wǒ bù xǐhuān nǐ shuōhuà de fāngshì! Wánquán bù hélǐ! ("I don't like the way you talk! It's completely unreasonable!")

State regulator:
Shut up!

Worker Holding Box of Blue Dog:
I'll take it myself.

Another Worker:
Hey, watch out!

(Worker holding box of Blue Dog falls and spills all the Blue Dog)

Sam:
[shrieks]

State regulator:
So, you girls babysit?

Cat:
Yeah.

Sam:
Why, you gonna ban us from babysitting now, too?

State regulator:
Nah. I have a kid, and I don't like him. So, maybe I'll dump him on you two for a while.

Sam:
Pretty soon, we're gonna have all the Blue Dog Soda we want.

Cat:
How?

Goomer:
Harh.

Sam:
I'm makin' it. I went online and did a ton of research, and pretty soon, I'm gonna have the exact formula.

Sam:
We're making Blue Dog Soda as a protest. This is about doing what's right!

Dice:
What do you mean?

Cat:
Well, it's wrong that there are people out there who want to butt into everybody's business and tell us what we can and can't have!

Sam:
Exactly.

Dice:
Okay. So, then, what's the plan here?

Sam:
We make enough Blue Dog Soda for ourselves and to sell to anyone who wants some.

Sam:
[opens the door] It was Cat.

Cat:
SAM!!!

State regulator:
Look, are you two babysitters or not?

Sam:
Listen, buddy, unless you got a warrant, you can't just come in here and b—babysitters?

State regulator:
Yeah. Remember the flier? It said you two babysit.

Cat:
We do.

State regulator:
Good. [to Mitch] Mitch, get in here! [to Sam and Cat] This is my boy, Mitch. And I thought that maybe you two could babysit him for a few hours.

Sam:
Oh, so you came here just 'cause you want us to babysit your kid?

State regulator:
Yeah. And he's not much trouble. He just likes—what d'you like?

Mitch:
Television, football, cheese.

State regulator:
That sort of stuff.

Mitch:
Why can't I just stay with you?

State regulator:
Well, because Daddy has to go find some bad people and put them in jail.

Cat:
What bad people?

State regulator:
Somebody has been making illegal Blue Dog Soda and selling it.

Sam:
No, those "jerks."

Cat:
Yeah, "jerks."

State regulator:
We don't know who it is, yet, but some genius copied the formula.

Cat (to Sam):
Genius.

State regulator:
We're gonna find 'em, we're gonna bust 'em, and we're gonna shut 'em down.

Sam:
Okay.

Cat:
You do that.

Mitch:
How come?

State regulator:
'Cause sugar is bad.

Sam:
Okay, so, you, uh, gonna shut down the people who make grape juice? 'Cause grape juice has a lot more sugar in it than soda has.

State regulator:
Uh, n-no it doesn't.

Sam:
Yeah, it does.

Cat:
Grape juice has lots more sugar than soda.

Sam:
So, you gonna ban grape juice?

State regulator:
L-look, I am not interested in facts! So, anyway, I'll be back to pick up the kid later.

Mitch:
I love you, Daddy.

State regulator:
Don't embarrass me.

State regulator:
You Blue Dog Soda punks are in serious trouble!

Sam:
Why?

State regulator:
Why?!

Sam:
What's your problem?

Cat:
Yeah, what's wrong with making a tasty soda that everybody loves?

Dice:
Which we wouldn't have had to do if you hadn't banned Blue Dog Soda in the first place!

Goomer:
Has anybody seen the butt-scratcher?

Cat:
What's your problem with Blue Dog?

State regulator:
My problem is that some people drink too much of it and that's not healthy.

Sam:
So? Some people eat too many sandwiches; you gonna ban sandwiches?

Cat:
Oh, and roller coasters! What if a kid decided to ride roller coasters all day long everyday? He'd flunk out of school!

Dice:
You gonna ban roller coasters?

Sam:
And what about sleeping? I mean, if a person sleeps way too long, they're gonna wake up in a pile of their own poop.

Cat:
You gonna ban sleeping?

Goomer:
And pooping?

Dice:
And what about hugs?

Sam:
Right!

Dice:
If you hug someone real tight for too long, you could kill 'em.

Goomer:
That is true.

Sam:
So, maybe you should ban hugging.

Dice:
Why don't you just ban everything?

Cat:
Yeah! Because too much of anything could be bad for you, but it's not fair to punish everybody.

Sam:
Just 'cause some people can't control themselves.

Goomer:
Don't you think people oughta be free to choose?

Cat:
This is America.

Dice:
The 7th-smartest country in the world.

Sam:
And we don't need people like you telling everybody what we can and can't do.

[the audience cheers. The State Regulator sits down, crying]

Mitch:
Dad, what's wrong?

State regulator:
They're right! I'm so stupid!

Sam:
To Blue Dog!

Cat:
And to freedom! [the quartet celebrates their victory with bottles of Blue Dog Soda]

People:
Ariana, will you take our picture?

Ariana Grande (Cat):
Uh… sure. Wait, you don't want me in the picture, right?

People:
No. Oh, no. We want a picture with Jennette.

Jennette McCurdy (Sam):
Oh, yeah. L.O.L.

Sam:
Did you get a B?

Kim:
[sadly] No. [happily] I got an A!

Cat:
We trickered you into thinking she failed!

Sam:
Ah, so I guess you want money now.

Matyoo:
[laughs] Yes. [picks up Pear Pad] Your total with tax comes to $156.20

Cat:
What?!

[Sam coughs]

Matyoo:
Is there an issue?

Cat:
$150!?

Sam:
For a doll?!

Matyoo:
For a Fresno Girl doll.

Sam:
My mom's had butt surgery that didn't cost that much!

Kim:
You guys, if it's too much money, you don't have to buy Gabriella for me. I'm used to being disappointed.

Sam:
[walks in the apartment and sees Cat pedaling her bike which is hanging from the ceiling] Whoa! Not the weirdest thing I've ever walked in on here.

Goomer:
[riding Cat's bike that's hanging from the ceiling] Look at me! I'm going nowhere!

Sam:
Yeah, that pretty much sums up your life.

Sam:
(to Dice) Dice, go clean up our kitchen.

Dice:
No!

Sam:
Then why are you here?

Cat:
Hey! Who wants to try my hot crapple pie?

Sam:
Let's answer together!

Dice:
Let's sing the answer!

Dice and Sam:
[sings] Nobody!

Nona:
Flying robits?!

Sam:
Robits?

Cat:
That's what she calls robots.

Sam:
Why would she call robots robits?

Dice:
'Cause she's old.

Nona:
[sprays Dice with a hose. She smiles] I may be old, but who's wet?

Cat:
Do you guys hear that?

Sam:
The drone!

[Everyone runs to the door]

Cat:
I don't see it!

Sam:
Me, neither.

Dice:
Maybe it's coming from the other way.

[Everyone runs to the other door]

Cat:
Oh, I see it!

Sam:
That's the moon!

Cat:
Dang it!

Nona:
Over there!

Sam:
There it is!

Cat:
OMG! Hi, drone

Dice:
It's so cool

Sam:
Man, it's coming pretty fast.

Cat:
Real fast.

Nona:
Where is it gonna land?

[Drone smashes through window]

Cat:
It's here!

Sam:
Beef stick.

Cat:
Enormous man's underpants.

Drone:
Thank you for shopping at Zappathon.com.

Dice:
How great is technology?

Sam:
Okay, here's your water.

Kelly:
What's this?

Sam:
Oh, it's from France. It's called "Aqua Toilette."

Philip:
France. Merci.

Cat:
"Toilette." That kinda sounds like toilet. [Sam whispers in Cat's ear]

Cat:
Oh, God.

Cat:
Hot rags!

ID Checker:
Shut Up!

Security Woman:
Bags on the belt. Shoes off.

Cat:
Excuse me! I'm assuming those in First Class don't have to take off their shoes.

Security Woman:
Yes, you do.

Cat:
But the floor looks really dirty and sticky.

Sam:
I got this.

[Sam lifts Cat onto conveyor belt and takes off Cat's shoes]

Cat:
(about Rita Rooney) But-but that's a girl.

Goomer:
Yeah, the meanest girl in the world. She's cruel.

Dice:
Wait, you're saying that the person picking on you is a girl?

Sam:
[pushes him] Shut up.

Dice:
Ow.

Sam:
Hey, you! [approaches Brody] Uh, can I borrow your spear gun?

Brody:
I don't know. Are you a fellow spear fisherman?

Sam:
[imitates Brody] No, no! I am a spear fisherwoman!

[last lines of the series'YOU'RE THE BEST ROOMMATE EVER DON'T LEAVE PLZ]

[in Nona's apartment]

Sam:
Hey, Nona. What goes…? Hey, what are you doing?

Nona:
Well, I'm getting ready to go back to Elderly Acres.

Sam:
What? No! What? No. You can't leave! Well, come on! What's for dinner? I mean, let's go, right? Mac and cheese and cheese and cheese and cheese, huh?

Nona:
I got a phone call. I can go back now. The funk mites are gone.

Sam:
Well, that's great, but—

Nona:
And Cat's coming home tonight, and she's going to need her bed back.

Sam:
But… but I don't want you to leave!

Nona:
Oh, honey. You'll be all right.

Sam:
[sobs] No, I won't!

Nona:
Sam. [Pearphone rings] I think that's your phone ringing.

Sam:
[answers Pearphone] Who is it?

Dice:
Sam?

Sam:
What do you want?

Dice:
I got good news and bad news.

Sam:
What?

Dice:
Well, the good news is I got the cover of the magazine.

Sam:
Wow. Yeah, great. What's the bad news?

Dice:
One of the other boys is being taken to a scalp hospital.

Sam:
That's it?

Dice:
No, Cat's being arrested.

[The police puts handcuffs on Cat]

Cat:
I mean, it really looks like a wig.

Sam:
Wait, Cat was really arrested?

Dice:
Yes. You got to get Nona to come to Arizona and bail her out, or else Cat's going to be in jail for 2 weeks.

Sam:
Really? Okay, I'll try to tell Nona if I can. Bye.

Dice:
Bye.

Nona:
Who was that?

Sam:
Oh, that was Dice and Cat.

Nona:
Oh, are they coming back here?

Sam:
Um, no.

Nona:
What's going on?

Sam:
[lying] They decide to stay in Phoenix for 2 more weeks, so Cat says you should stay here and take care of me until she gets back.

Nona:
Really?

Sam:
I promise.

Nona:
Well, I guess I better start dinner then. [laughs]

Sam:
Yep. Yes, you should. [starts lying on the couch]