South Park, Season 6

Jared Fogle:
[beats dead horse with baseball bat] I tell my girlfriend I have aides and she leaves! I tell the world to get aides and they think I'm crazy! I offered to give aides to kids and everyone wants me dead!! WHAT'S WRONG WITH AIDES?! WHY DOESN'T EVERYONE WANT ME TO GIVE THEM AIDES?

Cartman:
I can't lose weight, Butters, because I'm not fat, I'm big-boned. You can't slim down bones, stupid!

Cartman:
Damn it, Butters! Keep eating, or else I'll kick your butt till you're deader than Kenny!

Stan:
Dude, that isn't cool. You shouldn't joke about Kenny being dead. Enough time hasn't passed.

Cartman:
How long do we have to wait before we can joke about it?

Kyle:
22.3 years. That's how long it takes for something tragic to become funny.

Cartman:
Wugh, that's a long time to wait.

Stephen Stotch:
Butters! Are you having liposuction surgery? Tell me the truth!

Butters:
Yes, sir.

Linda Stotch:
This is unbelievable! How many times have we told you never to have self-performed liposuction surgery in our house?!

Butters:
Four times, Mom.

Stephen Stotch:
Well, I guess that wasn't enough! You get up to your room right now, mister!

Butters:
Yes, sir....

[Butters collapses down on the floor, near-death. Stephen and Linda feel disgusted for a beat]

Stephen Stotch:
Oh-ho, don't you give us that look, young man! You're going to get it!

Stephen Stotch:
I'm just checking in on you, Butters. Do I hear the Television? We told you no television while you're grounded!

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Oh, gee whiz, I'm not watching Television, Dad. I'm just laying around jacking it.

Stephen Stotch:
Jacking it? Jacking what?

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Well, my hot, spicy boner, of course, Dad.

Stephen Stotch:
What?! Are you trying to get yourself in more trouble with that kind of language?

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Aw, loosen up, you bloody vaginal belch.

Stephen Stotch:
Oh! You are gonna get it, mister! You just wait till I get home!

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Bring it on, queer-bait. [hangs up] Ah, yeah.

Linda Stotch:
Butters, your father called and said you made him very upset.

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Yeah, well, uh, Dad's being a little pussy, Mom.

Linda Stotch:
[shocking] Butters, where did you get that kind of smart mouth?

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Uh, not from you dumb-asses, that's for sure.

Linda Stotch:
Oh! You just wait till I get home, mister!

Cartman:
[impersonating Butters] Uh, I'll be waiting with horse bells on, you-you old horse-banging stank.

Butters:
Guys, I can't eat no more. I just keep on puking it up.

Cartman:
Then eat your puke!

Butters:
No!

Cartman:
C'mon, Japanese girls do it!

[Cartman sets his chair and is seated at the front of Butters's house, before Chris and Linda rushed all the way to enter the door]

Butters:
[inside] Hi, Mom and Dad!

Stephen Stotch:
DON'T YOU 'HI, MOM AND DAD' US, YOU LITTLE PUNK!!! (THUNK!!)

Butters:
Ow. Dad? [Cartman sits in his chair eating popcorn and slurps his slushee]

Linda Stotch:
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW THE TROUBLE YOU'RE IN, MISTER!! (BAHK!!)

Butters:
Ah! What did I do? What did I do??

Stephen Stotch:
YOU THINK YOU'RE TOUGH NOW? ANSWER ME!!!

Butters:
(BASH!!) Dahh..!!

Cartman:
Aw, man, if I was older, I would totally start jacking off right now.

Thumper:
[motioning to Butters's "Hitler"] Hey, little dude, you got some crap right here.

Butters:
[unaware he does have feces on his face] Why that's my face, sir.

Thumper:
We're going to take it slow, take it easy, make sure everybody has a good time. 'Cause what is skiing about? Having a good... [puts his left hand to his ear, hoping for an answer. The boys just look at him] Time, that's right. Now, just a few safety things to keep in mind: First of all, look straight ahead when you ski. You look down, you're going to fall, you're going to have a bad time. Also, be aware of skiers around you. You run into another skier, your skis are going to cross, going to have a bad time.

Thumper:
If you French fry when you should have Pizza's, you're going to have a bad time...

Tad:
What's your name, hot shot?

Stan:
Stan. Marsh.

Tad:
Stan Marsh? [laughs] Stan Darsh is more like it.

Cartman:
Hey, you guys, Butters is asleep.

Stan:
He's such a douchebag.

Cartman:
Have you seen this trick? When someone's sleeping, you can take a glass of warm water, and when you put their hand in it...

Stan:
And then what?

Cartman:
...and then you pee on them!

[Cartman starts peeing on Butters]

Kyle:
No, dude! You're supposed to put their hand in warm water to make them pee!

Cartman:
Oh, really? Oh, well.

[Cartman continues peeing on Butters]

Kyle:
Stan, you can't let that Tad guy get to you, screw him, dude.

Stan:
Dude, I have to...he's got Heather!

[silence]

Kyle:
You don't even know Heather!

Stan:
I know, I know, but I have to do this. I'm not going to die, I mean how bad could the K-13 be?

[An old man walks into the shot]

Old Man:
The K-13? You don't want to go down that run. That run's got a history. Thirty-five people have died going down it and some say you can still see their ghosts up there. I was on that very ski run and then a group of students were killed by a wolf-boy who escaped from the mental institution. You see, that ski run was once a burial ground to a tribe of vampire Wichita Indians who ate the flesh of children with no eyes... Yap, lot of history on that ski run.

[silence]

Stan:
Thank you.

Old Man:
Yap.

Kyle:
This is terrible, dude. Maury Povich parades these poor people around on his show like carnival freaks and then gives them prizes at the end as if to justify it. What a dick!

Kyle:
Why the hell would they want that anyway? Episode I sucked balls.

Cartman:
Yeah, it sucked Hairy Butters' chin balls.

Linda:
Just what did you think you were doing, Butters? Not only did you lie to us and say you were on a camping trip with Kyle's family, you made a fool of yourself AND us on national television!

Butters:
[still wearing his balls, looking hurt] Oh I'm sorry, mom.

Stephen:
Well, sorry isn't gonna make it this time, mister! You know, your grandmother saw the show and had a mild stroke!

Butters:
Aw jeez, ah I didn't mean to almost kill Grandma. I promise I'll never go on TV with balls on my chin again.

Stephen:
Ugh! You'd better believe you won't, buster!

Linda:
Your father and I have to leave now to visit Grandma in the hospital, but you can just take those balls off your chin and march right up to your room!

Butters:
[with voice trembling, turns around] Yes ma'am. [removes his balls]

Butters:
Serves me right! Putting balls on my chin and lying about it. Why I, I should be grounded for a month! Why do I do these things? Why can't I behave myself? [his phone rings. Butters goes for the receiver]

Stan:
[on the other end] Hey Butters, those other freak people from the show were just over here looking for you?

Butters:
Oh Jesus! They were??

Stan:
Yeah, they wanted to find you bad.

Butters:
Well Oh, God! W-whatdya tell him?

Stan:
I- told them where to find you.

Butters:
What?? W-why the heck would you do that. Wuh they wanna kill me for not being a real freak!

Stan:
Oh. Well, serves you right for screwing us over. [hangs up. Butters looks helpless, then walks to the window to see if the freaks are coming. They are indeed]

Cartman:
Oh yeah? I run with 12 gangs, and we only commit hate crimes. Whatever--I do what I want!

Man with Terrible Skin Condition:
The first group will be led by Incredibly Obese Black Man.

Large-Sized African-American Freak:
Excuse me, I'm not Incredibly Obese Black Man. I'm Incredibly Black Obese Man.

Man with Terrible Skin Condition:
Oh right, my bad.

Butters:
I've got to get back to my family.

Man with Terrible Skin Condition:
We're your family too, Napoleon. We're like you. When we look at you, we don't even see the testicles on your chin, we see the testicles in your heart.

Unlabeled Freak:
Sure, everyone in this great country of ours is a freak, but true, physically deformed freaks must be recognized, for it's these real freaks that make you all feel better about yourselves for not being one.

Audience Member:
They're right. We should have never crossed that picket line. [rest of audience agrees with him and they all begin to leave the set]

Maury Povich:
Wait, wait, come back. Maybe we can get the other out- of-control kids to take off their clothes too.

Cartman:
Whatever, I'll crap in Maury's pants!

Vanessa:
[after being booed by the audience] Whatever! Whatever! You fucking cocksuckers don't know shit! Fuck you!

Cartman:
I was once involved in a drive-by shooting! Whatever, I do what I want!

Vanessa:
You aren't bad, you aren't nothing! I ditch class to go shoot heroin in the school bathroom!

Cartman:
I'm so bad I ran for Congress and won! Then I had sex with an intern, killed her, then hid her body! Whatever, I do what I want!

Cartman:
I'm so bad I digitally put Jabba the Hut back in the original Star Wars movie! Whatever, I do what I want!

Maury Povich:
Wow! That is out of control!

[Stan and Kyle are banging on Cartman's window]

Stan:
Psst, Cartman.

Cartman:
[in his sleep] No, Uncle Jesse, no!

Stan:
Cartman, wake up!

Cartman:
: What the hell are you guys doing?

Kyle:
C'mon, we got to go.

Cartman:
Where are we going?

Stan:
We're going to go save the baby cows, fatass.

Cartman:
What? Why?

Kyle:
'Cause they're going to get slaughtered tomorrow, butthole.

Cartman:
So...

Stan:
We can't let them die, douche-bag. You're our friend.

Cartman:
Well, let's see. In the last 3.2 seconds you've called me fatass, butthole and douchebag. I don't feel like you guys are friends.

Butters:
But, Stan, you said we're just using him so you can get his Mission Impossible Breaking and Entering play set!

Stan:
Damn it, Butters! Will you shut up?!

Cartman:
Aha, aha! You do need me and my Mission Impossible play set!

Stan:
Yes we do!

Cartman:
Okay, I'll go, if Kyle will kiss my black ass. [lowers pants to show his butt]

Kyle:
What?!

Cartman:
Just give it a little kiss and I'll help.

Kyle:
Screw you, Cartman!

Cartman:
Okay, but if you want my help you have to give it just a little kiss. [softly] Kiss it.

Stan:
Go on, dude it's the only way.

Kyle:
No!

Cartman:
Kiss it. Come on. [gruffly] Kiss it.

Stan:
Just do it really fast, and we can go.

Kyle:
Have Butters kiss it.

Cartman:
No, it has to be Kyle. [turns away. Kyle resists for a few moments, then slowly moves his face towards Cartman's ass through the window. Kyle finally reaches the ass and Cartman farts in his face]

Kyle:
Awww! [wipes off his face and then waves away the smell]

Cartman:
[laughs uproariously] Oh, man, that was Soho awesome!

Kyle:
Sick! I felt it on my face!

Stan:
Okay, very funny, Cartman, now come on!

Cartman:
Well, I'm not going with you!

[Kyle screams and jumps on Cartman]

[When Stan locks himself in his room with Kyle, Cartman, and Kyle, and the calves after he refused to give Rancher Bob his calves...]

Sharon Marsh:
[pounds on the door, trying to open it] Stanley! Stanley, you open this door right now or you're gonna get it!

Stan:
No!

Randy Marsh:
Stan, you're behaving like a kid!

Stan:
You're the ones who made me eat veal without telling me what it was! You're the ones who knew we were making little baby animals suffer!

Sharon Marsh:
Open this door, now!

Stan:
Kiss my ass!

Butters:
Oh Jeez, he said "ass" to his parents.

Kyle:
You're getting in pretty deep, dude.

Randy Marsh:
We gave those kids everything and they turned into little John Walkers!

Cartman:
What did I tell you, Stan?! We saved the baby calves from being eaten and now we're no-good DIRTY GOD DAMN HIPPIES!!!

Cartman:
[to a baby cow] Go ahead, that's more for us. You want some beef jerky, buddy? Yes, who's the buddy? Who's hungry? Who's the hungry man?

Kyle:
Dude, that's messed up!

[Cartman is talking to an FBI negotiator.]

Cartman:
We'll give you one calf, if you give us...some guns and ammunition of our own!

Glen Dumont:
What?! I--I can't do that!

Cartman:
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought we were talking here, but I guess you're not talking to me. Good-bye.

Glen Dumont:
No, no wait, oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Uh, you're right. What reason do you have to trust me? I'm just a guy from Lakewood trying to make ends meet, you know? Just a blue-collar guy like your dad.

Cartman:
Don't have a dad, Mike. That's not going to work.

[The phone rings; Cartman picks up]

Cartman:
Mike.

Mike:
How we doing?

Cartman:
We got a sick kid here, Mike. Did you get the other things?

Mike:
Well, I did manage to get the FDA to officially change "veal" to "tortured baby cow," but I couldn't get North or South Dakota.

Cartman:
Oh, Mike, you're breaking my balls!

FBI Leader:
All right that's it. You are in fact the worst negotiator I've ever seen in action.

Mike:
All right, I'll give you that. But in exchange I want 3 staples.

FBI Leader:
Get the hell out of here!

Cartman:
What are you waiting for? Go kill them, Worf!

Michael Dorn:
I'm not killing anybody!

Cartman:
Ugh! Some goddamned Klingon you are!

Dr. Doctor:
He's very lucky you got him here when you did. He was in a very advanced state of vaginitis.

Randy:
Vaginitis?

Dr. Doctor:
It occurs when a person stops eating meat. Those sores on his skin were actually small vaginas. If we hadn't stopped it in time, Stan would have eventually just become one great big giant pussy.

Kyle:
Whoa, dude.

Dr. Doctor:
We've got an IV of pure beef blood pumping into Stan's veins and the... sores are fading.

Cartman:
Thank God we stopped it in time.

Stan:
Well, I guess we learned something today: it's wrong to eat veal because the animals are so horribly mistreated, but if you don't eat meat at all you break out in vaginas.

Butters:
Hear hear.

Sheila:
All right boys, it's time to go home. You've got some serious grounding time to start.

Stephen:
I'll say!

Butters:
Aw, we're still grounded?

Kyle:
But, but we, we learned things, and took up a cause.

Gerald:
Yes Kyle, but you still defied your parents. And you need to learn that terrorism is never the answer.

Stephen:
That's right, let's get these terrorists to their rooms. [Sternly] But first, [softens] maybe we can grab some burgers.

The Boys:
All right!

Barkeep:
Look, this is a bar! We can't have children in here. People come here for debauchery and sin!

Cartman:
Butters will give hand jobs in the corner for a dollar.

Butters:
Well sure! I'm good at all kinds of jobs.

Kyle:
Oh Jesus! Now where do we go?

Stan:
We've tried everywhere! Butters, are you absolutely sure we can't go to your house?

Butters:
I'm sure! There's no way!

Kyle:
Uh, why not?!

Butters:
Uh, because! Uh my parents are out of town, and I don't have a babysitter.

Cartman:
[glares at Butters] Oh, god damn it, you better be kidding!

Butters:
No, I really don't have a babysitter.

Russell Crowe:
Well, we found out that I couldn't actually fight cancer, but we did find a person with cancer. [brings out a sickly cancer patient and begins beating him severely] Come on, cancer, ya pussy! Is that all you got?!

Russell Crowe:
My fighting's poetry! You don't edit Russell Crowe's poetry, ya testicle! [beats up the editor]

Chef:
Hello, is this customer service? I'm having a problem with my new Television: it's sprouted laser guns and started walking around shooting people.

The boys have decided to cut Butters off from their friend group. They dress formally and "fire" him like in an office.

Cartman:
I'm afraid we going to have to let you go...as our friend. You're just too...

Kyle:
Lame.

Cartman:
Lame, yes.

Butters:
But I can get better!

Stan:
Butters, you just don't really fit in with us here. We think it's best for all of us if you look for friendship opportunities elsewhere.

Kyle:
But we certainly want to thank you for all your hard work in the attempts to be our friend. Lame as they were.

Towelie:
[high] Well, I really hope I win 'cause... Wait, what is this again? Oh, man, I have no idea what's going on.

Pip:
Can I have some tea, please?

Cartman:
You don't drink tea in a ballpark, you French piece of crap!

Pip:
Oh, very well. Just some crumpets, then.

General Disarray:
Simpsons did it! Simpsons did it!

Cartman:
I got ripped off!

Kyle:
I told you, Cartman.

Cartman:
Oh, shut up, Kyle! Shut your goddamn Jew mouth! You people are why there's war in the Middle East! And you, Tweek, why don't you learn to button your shirt right, for once?! You're as bad as Stan with his stupid girlfriend, always spending time with her! God, I hate you guys!

Cartman:
[explaining where he obtained the "sea men" for his aquarium] Yeah, I bought all I could from this bank...I got the rest from this guy named Ralph in an alley--stupid asshole didn't even charge me, he just told me to close my eyes and suck it out of a hose!

Stan:
Close your eyes and suck it out of a hose?

Cartman:
Suck it out of a hose, yeah.

Stan:
Oh.

Tweek:
But, what if when I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?

Stan:
Tweek, when has that ever happened, except that one time?

Chef:
Oh, well hello there, children.

Stan:
Chef, we did something kind of bad.

Chef:
Oh, I'm sure your little cracker problems ain't all that bad. Come on in. Now, just sit down and take a deep breath and tell old Chef what's going on.

Stan:
We killed our teacher and they found our sea men in her stomach.

Chef:
Oh, children, that's a problem we all have to face at one time or another. Here: let me sing you a little song that might cheer you up. Sometimes you kill your teacher/And they find your semen in her stomach/And --wait! What the--WHAT?!

Stan:
So what should we do?

[Chef pushes the couch where the boys are sitting outside and shuts the door]

Chef:
Hello there, children.

Stan:
Chef, what would a priest want stick in our butts?

Chef:
Good-bye.

Tweek:
Nobody's going to tell us! This is gonna drive me insane!

Kyle:
Calm down, Tweek. There has to be a rational explanation.

Bishop:
O Great Queen Spider, we wish to change one of the Vatican laws.

Queen Spider:
No, the Vatican laws cannot be changed, so sayeth the spider.

Kyle:
Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said, this week.

Sharon:
So, kids, anything fun happen with your whole Sunday off?

Stan:
Uh, Cartman shoved his lunch up his ass and crapped out his mouth.

Sharon:
Stanley!

Stan:
What? He did!

Randy:
No, it doesn't work that way, son.

Stan:
Yeah, it does.

Randy:
No, it doesn't.

Stan:
Yeah, it does.

[Randy curiously looks at his food]

Priest:
Father, uh, having sex with boys is part of the Catholic priest's way of life.

Cardinal:
Well, what do you suggest we change, Father Maxi?

Father Maxi:
Well, for one, no sex with boys.

Congregation:
Awwwwww! Rabble rabble rabble!

Father Maxi:
Well, maybe we could change the law to say that it's okay for a priest to have sex...with women.

Congregation of Cardinals:
Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Gilgamek Cardinal:
The Gilgamek vagina is three feet wide and filled with razor sharp teeth. Do you really expect us to have sex with them?

Father Maxi:
Right, maybe we should forget about the Gelgameks for right now.

Gilgamek Cardinal:
Forget about the Gelgameks?!

Gilgamek Cardinals:
Ah! Rabble rabble rabble rabble!

Announcer:
Coming this summer...it's the classic film that changed America...

[a trailer for the (real) re-release of E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial starts playing]

Announcer:
All the E.T. effects have been digitally upgraded. [as the US secret agents chase the kids] All the guns have been digitally changed to walkie talkies.

Announcer:
And the word "TERRORIST" has been changed to "HIPPIE."

Stan:
[disappointed] Aw, dude, why would they do that?

Cartman:
Yeah, a hippie and a terrorist is the same thing.

Kyle:
No, dude, Spielberg changed terrorist to hippie to make ET more PC.

Stan:
That's gay...

Announcer:
Coming this summer...it's the motion picture that changed America...

[a trailer for the (fictional) "re-re-release" of Saving Private Ryan starts playing]

Announcer:
The word "NAZI" has been changed to "PERSONS WITH POLITICAL DIFFERENCES." And all the guns have been replaced by walkie talkies.

[shots of soldiers getting killed or crippled by walkie talkies]

[a banner shows up (and read by an announcer) before the airing of the "re-re-re-release" of Star Wars Episode V:
The Empire Strikes Back]

Announcer:
The word "WOOKIEE" has been changed to "HAIR CHALLENGED ANIMAL" and the entire cast has been digitally replaced by Ewoks.

[the kids ditch the theater in anger and try to get their money back]

[On "EXCESS HOLLYWOOD"]

Host:
Well, the print is finished and the day has come. Tonight Steven Spielberg and George Lucas will be at the premiere of the new Special Edition of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Lots of celebrity guests and other rich people will be on hand to witness all the updated effects and modernized technology.

Cartman:
Hit it, Tweek! [Tweek turns on stereo that starts playing Caribbean music; Cartman start singing] In the tropical isle with the coconut tree, there's a lots of--

Stan:
Wait wait wait wait wait. I thought we were gonna cool his hot heart with a cool island song.

Cartman:
No, he has an icy heart.

Kyle:
But you can't melt ice with a cool song, retard.

Stan:
So we have to warm his icy heart with a hot island song.

Cartman:
But it's a cool island song.

Kyle:
Well then we're gonna end up freezing his hellish heart with a cool island song.

Cartman:
Oh, do we wanna do that?

George Lucas:
ALL RIGHT, that does it!

Man 1:
Yeah... Maybe we could melt the governor's icy heart with a cool island song!

Members:
Yeah!

Tweek:
No!

Skeeter:
No?

Man 2:
No! He's right. We have to freeze his hot heart with a cool island song.

Woman:
Or is it freshen his hot temper with a cool island song?

Man 3:
Let's cool his hot temper with a fresh island song.

Man 4:
That's it!

[Raiders of the Lost Ark's theme is played as Spielberg, Lucas, Coppola, and their entourage walk across a desert with the new print of Raiders of the Lost Ark inside an ark, and the kids as their prisoners]

Tweek:
[from atop a cliff looking down upon the entourage in the canyon] Hello!

Spielberg:
The kid? The Tweaked-out kid?!

Tweek:
[leveling a bazooka] I'm gonna blow up the print, Spielberg.

Spielberg:
Your persistence surprises even me.

Coppola:
Surely you don't think you can escape from this premiere.

Tweek:
That depends on how reasonable we're all going to be. All I want are my friends.

Cartman:
Wow!

Tweek:
Except for Cartman. You can keep him!

Cartman:
Ey!

Bebe's Mother:
Part of being a woman is having a friend one day and calling her a slut the next.

Bebe:
Mom, what's six times eight?

Bebe's Mother:
Oh sweetie, those are two completely different numbers.

Bebe:
Having boobs sucks.

Interior scene, Marsh residence. Stan, who has regressed to a primitive state, is gesturing with a stick to drawings he's made of breasts on the living room wall. Realizing he's starting to take interest in girls, Randy and Sharon decide to have a talk with him.

Stan:
A-tah! Ah, a-tah!

Randy:
Hey there, son.

Stan:
(Turns around) Ohh! A-tah, a-tah!

Randy:
Yes, a-tah. Let's have a talk, Stan.

Stan:
Ah.

Randy:
Stan, as you get older, boobs, these "a-tah", will start becoming a major part of your life.

Stan:
A-tah?

Randy:
But Stanley, you can't let them get in the way of your friends. There're a lot of boobs out there son, but they're just boobs. Your friends are forever.

Stan:
Friends...a-tah.

Randy:
I know you think this set of boobs is important now, but those boobs will be replaced by another set of boobs. Boobs will come and go, and then, some day, (puts an arm around a smiling Sharon) you'll meet a pair of boobs you want to marry - and those become the boobs that matter the most.

Sharon:
I love you.

Wendy:
[fake coughing] Slut! Slut!

Butters:
[feeling Wendy's enhanced breasts] Eew! They're all hard and oogy!

Cartman:
[the boys are discussing who to kick out of their group] So, Kyle, I want to tell you it's been very fun and we're going to miss you. [pulls out two containers] Here's a nice watch and some peanuts.

Kyle:
Me?! But I've been here from the beginning.

Cartman:
And it's sad to see you go. Maybe you can make friends with the kids down the road. Three cheers for Kyle! Hip hip...

Stan:
[angrily] Dude, we're not kicking Kyle out.

Cartman:
[whining] Please?

Stan:
No.

Cartman:
All right, then I guess we have no choice-- [turns to Tweek] but to let you go, Tweek, I want to say you've been great filling in as a fourth friend and we're gonna miss you. [moves the watch and peanuts to Tweak's side] Here's a watch and some peanuts.

Kyle:
No way, dude, Tweak's cool.

Stan:
Yeah!

Cartman:
Well, dumb-asses, how are we gonna make room for Bebe?

[The next day. Stan, Kyle, Bebe, and Tweek are all standing at the bus stop; Cartman is conspicuously absent.]

Bebe:
Thanks for inviting me to ride the bus with you this morning.

[Cartman approaches the group.]

Cartman:
[furiously] Oh, that's fine! That's fine! Fuck you, Kyle, and fuck you, Stan! [walks away, then comes back] Fuck you, Tweek! [walks away, then comes back again] Bebe, you're still cool. [walks off, seething]

[the boys are standing at the bus stop with their parents right behind them]

Stan:
Dude. This is worse than Child Tracker.

Mr. Tweek:
It's okay, boys, just act as if we weren't here.

Mrs. Marsh:
Right, do what you would normally do.

Kyle:
[awkwardly] You're such a fat-ass, Cartman.

Cartman:
[just as awkwardly] At least I'm not a stupid Jew.

Sheila:
What-what-WHAT?!

Mr. Mackey:
Now, who can tell me when the first moon landing took place? Uh, how about you, Clyde?

Clyde's Dad:
Nineteen-sixty--

Mr. Mackey:
No helping!

Mr. Mackey:
I'm not really sure having all the parents here is a good idea, m'kay?

Mr. Tweek:
Well, maybe things would be better if we could trust people like the Stotches!

Chris Stotch:
Us? Your family's always been the shifty-eyed ones!

Mr. Tweek:
Oh yeah? [all the parents argue]

Tuong Lu Kim:
Goddamn Mongorians! Stop tearing down my shitty wall!

Tuong Lu Kim:
Oh, I get it. Just because I Chinese, you think I build wall. That i' bullshit! I'm not stereotype, okay?! Just because I'm Chinese doesn't mean I go around building wall! I'm just a normal person like all o'you! I eat ahrice and drive ahreally slow, just like the rest o'you! I'm not stereotype!

Tuong Lu Kim:
When those Mongorians come next time, I pour this sweet and sour pork on their heads. Ha ha, sweet and sour pork so hot and sticky, Mongorians stick alright up to the wall! And scream "Uh-woe-o-o!" Oh I can't wait.

Parents:
[in protest] Rabble, rabble, rabble, rabble!

Mr. Mackey:
Mom, Dad, could you please leave me alone?

Mr. Mackey's Dad:
We just want to make sure no one hurts you, Junior, M'kay?

Mr. Mackey:
M'kay.

News Reporter:
And so the residents of Manhattan are prepared to evacuate if Ms. Clinton's ass gets any bigger.

Stan:
[after their parents send them to live outside of South Park] Dude, sometimes I think our parents are really stupid.

Stan:
[muttering] Jesus Christ. They've done some stupid crap before, but Jesus Christ!

Mr. Garrison:
[nonchalantly] A ladder to heaven? That's fracking stupid. And It's an episode on our show.

Reporter:
Do you believe in the ladder to heaven?

Fat Man:
If heaven is an 8-year-old boy and the ladder is my penis... [the cameraman steers away, but the fat man tries to get back on screen] And the pearly gates are the-- [static]

Fat Man:
If Saddam Hussein was an 8-year-old boy and my penis were the United States, then there wou-- [cameraman steers away] Hard nipples! [cut to anchor]

Anchor:
Goddammit. [holds up static screen and imitates static]

Kyle:
Dude, what the hell's wrong with you?

Cartman:
I don't know! It's like my brain just keeps...jacking off.

Kyle:
Maybe you've got brain cancer.

Cartman:
You think?!

Stan:
Don't get cancer on the ladder, Cartman! You're gonna fall off and break it.

Alan Jackson:

Where were you when they built the ladder to heaven?

Did it make you feel like crying?

Or did you think it was kinda gay?

Well I, for one, believe in the ladder to heaven

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah… 9/11

I said 9/11, 9/11, 9/11, Ni-hi, hi-hine…

…Eleven

Alan Jackson:
[in voice more high-pitched than his singing voice] You little bastards ruined my latest song! [smashes guitar]

[during flashback]

Cartman: [singing] In the ghetto, in the ghetto He's a boy wearing orange who's losing his pride 'Cause Kenny and his whole family reside In the ghetto, in the ghetto

Kenny:
Shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!

Cartman:
What did you say?

Kenny:
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina!

Cartman:
What did you say?!

[after flashback]

Cartman:
I said, shut up, Cartman, you blood-belching vagina! [comes to] Did I just call myself a blood-belching vagina?

Cartman:
Maybe, we're not seeing heaven because one of us is a J-O-O.

Kyle:
What does me being a Jew have to do with anything?

Cartman:
I've never heard the words "only" and "candy" in the same sentence before.

Stan:
We have come to reclaim the One Tape! [Kyle ejects porno tape]

Butters:
Whoa, whoa! What are you doing?

Kyle:
The king and queen of Stan's house wish The Lord of the Rings returned to them!

Butters:
But it's the greatest movie I-I ever seen! You guys were right! Lord of the Rings is awesome! Y-You have to let me finish watching it!

Cartman:
Nay, Butters! The One Tape must be brought back to Stan's house!

[Stan, Kyle and Cartman leave the house when Butters jumps onto them]

Butters:
RAAGH!!

Kyle:
Butters!! We said you can't watch it! We have a quest!

Butters:
Well then... then let me go with you.

Kyle:
Okay, fine, Butters. But if you're gonna hang out with us, you have to play like Lord of the Rings.

Butters:
Oh, okay! [jumps on Kyle, humping him thoroughly] Ugh-ugh-ugh, yeah...

Kyle:
Butters, what the hell are you doing!?!

Butters:
Playing Lord of the Rings! Ugh-ugh, yeah...

Kyle:
GET THE HELL OFF ME!! You're a freak, Butters!! You can't play with us!

Butters:
Let me have the tape!

Stan:
No, we have to return it! [all leave]

Butters:
My movie! My awesome cool movie! My... Precious....

[the kids are role-playing "Lord of the Rings" as they walk down a street. They pass another group of kids]

Kid 1:
I shall put a magic spell on you!

Kid 2:
I blocked your spell, wizard.

Kyle:
Hey, what are you guys doing?

Kid 1:
We're playing Harry Potter.

[slight pause]

Cartman:
HA!!! FAGS!!!

Randy:
And so, that's the situation. All the boys are out there somewhere with a... pornographic videotape.

Sheila:
Oh, God! This-this is horrible!

Gerald:
All right, calm down! Now, just how bad of a porno tape are we talking here? I mean, was it like... Crotch Capers 3?

Randy:
I'm afraid it was... Backdoor Sluts 9.

Gerald/Chris:
BACKDOOR SLUTS 9!?!

Linda:
It's that bad?

Chris:
Backdoor Sluts 9 makes Crotch Capers 3 look like Naughty Nurses 2!

Gerald:
I-It is the single most vile, twisted... dark piece of porn ever made.

Sheila:
[lightly slaps Gerald] How the hell do you know?!

Gerald:
I...uh... I-I-I read about it in People.

Sheila:
[to Randy and Sharon] Oh, this is just great! How could you two be so careless?!

Sharon:
We're sorry!

Liane:
Well, Sheila, we can't shelter our boys forever from these things. Maybe it's okay for them to see an adult film.

Sheila:
Not without their parents to put it in a proper context! They won't understand what they're seeing!

Randy:
I-It can't hurt 'em that much, can it?

Butters:
[grasping the window outside] Precious!! Let me see my precious! Please!!

Mr. Black:
All right, Token, we know you must be very confused about what you saw.

Randy Marsh:
Yes, uh, you see, Token, that was called a pornographic film. It shows adult men and adult women having sexual intercourse. [long beat] Well, you-you see, when a man and a woman fall in love, the man puts his penis in the woman's [[w:vagina|vagina]. It's called lovemaking and it's part of being in love.

Token:
[beat] And when the woman has four penises in her at the same time, then stands over the men and pees on them, is that part of being in love, too? ...Five midgets, spanking a man covered in Thousand Island dressing. Is that making love?

Mr. Black:
Jesus, what kind of porno was that?

Gerald:
It was Backdoor Sluts 9.

Mr. Black:
Oh Jesus, not that one!!

Jimmy:
[to advancing 6th-graders] YOU SHALL NOT PAAAHHH... YOU SHALL NOT PPPPAA...YOU SHALL NOT P... [gets run over] ...p...p...pass.

Cartman:
Go ahead and play Harry Butt-hole Pussy Potter!

Mr. Garrison:
I was informed that fourth-graders are a little too old for Mr. Hat.

Kyle:
TWO-year-olds are too old for Mr. Hat!

Mr. Garrison:
But it's okay because I found a new teacher's assistant. Say hello to...Mr. Slave.

Mr. Slave:
Hi, kids. Hm.

Mr. Garrison:
So that's Mr. Slave. The teacher's assistant. Or, as I like to write for short, the Teacher's Ass.

Cartman:
[whispering to Craig] Yo, I think that Mr. Slave guy's a...Pakistani.

Mr. Garrison:
Eric, did you just throw a paper airplane?

Cartman:
No, it was Kenny!

Mr. Garrison:
Very funny, Eric. Kenny's dead!

Cartman:
I'm not fat, I have a different life choice.

Mr. Garrison:
Say, Mr. Slave...

Mr. Slave:
Yes, Mr. Garrison?

Mr. Garrison:
I had a dream last night that you were a real dick.

Mr. Slave:
Really? Why would you dream that I was being an asshole?

Mr. Garrison:
No, no. I was the asshole.

[school board start applauding, muttering how courageous he is, while the parents exchange shocked and horrified glances]

Mr. Garrison:
[slightly nonplussed] Uh, I'm very happy to receive this award, but you know what makes me even happier? Sucking balls.

[school board applaud again]

Mr. Garrison:
[whispering to Mr. Slave] It's not working. Sing your song, Mr. Slave.

Mr. Slave:
[singing] I've got a little-- [stops] ooh, ooh ow, Jesus Christ, what the heck's happening in there?

[in Mr. Slave's stomach]

Frog King:
[to Lemmiwinks, who's on a gyroscope] Hang on, Lemmiwinks! You solved the Catata Fish's riddle, now your trials are nearly through!

[back up top]

Mr. Slave:
Aah! I should never have shoved those poor animals up my ass! [school board applaud again]

School Board Member:
Courageous.

Another School Board Member:
So courageous.

Mr. Garrison:
[finally losing his temper] God damn it, don't you people get it?! I'm trying to get fired here!

Cartman:
I'll take three lunches today, please.

Chef:
You don't need three lunches, Eric! You're fat enough as it is!

Cartman:
It is my life choice, Chef, and if you don't tolerate it I'll report you to the SEC.

Cartman:
Tolerance kicks ass!

[everyone laughs]

Randy Marsh:
That's our Cartman.

Mr. Slave:
[lisping] Oh Jesuth Chrith!

Tour Guide:
Now, you boys have probably called this young man names like "tubby" or "lard butt" or "fat tits"--

Kyle:
Ooh, fat tits, that's a good one.

Stan:
Yeah, we'll have to remember that.

Cartman's mom:
Doctor! Did you find out what's wrong with him?

Doctor:
Yes. I'm afraid he's… Running out of time.

Cartman's mom:
Why, what's wrong with him?

Doctor:
It's his time, it's running out.

Cartman's mom:
Well, what does he need?

Doctor:
He needs to have more time.

Cartman's mom:
What can we do?

Doctor:
Well, i suppose we could try a time transplant… I'll have to call in a specialist.

John Edward:
But, I'm a psychic.

Stan:
No, dude. You're a douche.

John Edward:
I'm not a douche. What if I really believed dead people talk to me?

Stan:
Then you're a stupid douche.

John Edward:
I think I've had enough of your bullying me. Get out of my house or I'll run upstairs, lock myself in my panic room and call the police.

Stan:
I'm 9 years old.

John Edward:
I'm not talking to your friend and I'm not a douche! [runs upstairs] You better get out of my house or I'm going to call the police!

Stan:
You are so a douche! I'm nominating you for the Biggest Douche in the Universe award, you douche!

John Edward:
You better not call me a liar, a fake, or a douche, or else I'll sue you for slander!

Stan:
I am saying this to you, John Edward. You are a liar. You are a fake. And you are the biggest douche ever.

John Edward:
Everything I tell people is positive and gives them hope! How does that make me a douche?

Stan:
Because the big questions in life are tough! "Why are we here?" "Where are we from?" "Where are we going?" But as long as people believe in asshole douchey liars like you, we're never going to find the answers to those questions. You aren't just lying, you're slowing down the progress of all mankind, you douche!

John Edward:
Now I'm hearing a P-word, maybe a Per.

Woman:
My Harry died last year.

John Edward:
Oh, it's coming from here, I'm getting all kinds of voices today, woo! Now Harry, he's telling me, oh, well he's telling me you two used to do things... [woman nods] And that those things involved stuff?

Woman:
They did involve stuff, yes!

Audience:
Ah, yes!

Announcer:
Rob Schneider was an animal. Then he was a woman. And now Rob Schneider is... a stapler. And he's about to find out that being a stapler is harder than it looks. Rob Schneider is "The Stapler". Rated PG-13.

Announcer:
Rob Schneider is a Wall Street Executive with everything going for him. Only problem is, he's about to become... a carrot!

Rob Schneider:
I'm a carrot!

Announcer:
It's 24-"carrot" comedy! Rob Schneider is "A Carrot"! Rated PG-13.

Announcer:
Rob Schneider derp DE derp. Derp DE derpity derpie derp. Until one day, a-derp a-derp a-derp a-derp. Derp DE derp, Ta tittaly tum. From the creators of "DER" and "TUM TA TITTALY TUM TA TOO", Rob Schneider is: "DA DERP DEE DERP DA TEETLEY DERPEE DERPEE DUMB". Rated PG-13.

Announcer:
Rob Schneider is a somewhat popular comedic actor, who seemed to have it all. Until one day, he came across a pot roast [record scratch] and his life changed forever. Now, he's sharing his body with an 8-year-old boy. And he's about to find out that being 8 isn't so great. Rob Schneider is "Kenny!" Rated PG-13.

Chef's Dad:
[in the middle of exorcising Kenny from Cartman] God damn it! The spirit's out and it don't have nowhere to go!

Chef's Mom:
Lord, Thomas! Don't let it get on the curtains!

Cartman:
Hey, guys! How's it going?

Chef:
Cartman?

Stan:
No, that's Kenny.

Cartman:
What the hell are you assholes doing here?

Stan:
That's Cartman.

Chef's Dad:
Well, I guess the child's a pot roast now.

[After watching a Rob Schneider trailer]

Stan and Kyle:
Weak!

Cartman:
[laughing] That was Kenny laughing, not me.

[leaving a John Edward show]

Chef:
Man, I can't believe I got fooled by that asshole!

Stan:
He seemed a lot better on TV?

Chef:
...Yeah.

Butters:
Wait right here, Stan, I warn you, you may not like what you see.

[Butters goes into the closet]

Stan:
We have to teach our parents a lesson. Show them they can't play with our emotions like that.

[Butters comes out of the closet, dressed as Professor Chaos]

Butters:
Hahahahahaa!! Now you know my terrible secret!

Stan:
You're gay? It's fine if you're gay, Butters, I don't care.

Butters:
Huh? No, I'm Professor Chaos!

Cartman:
Oh, wow, really? That's so awesome. Now I'll really work to be successful!

Future Cartman:
Right on!

Cartman:
Go have sex with yourself, asshole! I'm not that stupid! Just for that, I'm going to spend my whole childhood eating what I want, and doing drugs when I want! Whatever, I'll do what I want!

Future Cartman:
No! Wait!

[The future Cartman turns into a fat mechanic]

Future Cartman:
Ah, goddamn it!

Cartman:
Have you seen the poop swatches?

Butters:
All he ever does is watch "Becker," and that show is so stupid.

Stan:
I've been told a lot of things about pot, but I've come to find out a lot of those things aren't true! So I don't know what to believe!

Randy:
Well, Stan, the truth is marijuana probably isn't gonna make you kill people, and...it most likely isn't gonna fund terrorism, but...well, son, pot makes you feel fine with being bored and...it's when you're bored that you should be learning some new skill or discovering some new science or...being creative. If you smoke pot you may grow up to find out that you aren't good at anything!

Stan:
I really, really wish you just would have told me that from the beginning!

Cartman:
Isn't there anything I can do?!

Kyle's cousin:
If you cured cancer and AIDS next week, you would still owe two presents.

Cartman:
Jesus Christ!

[Jesus hands up, is talking to two Iraqis]

Jesus:
Yea, look upon me and know me. My children, you should know something. [a knife comes out of his sleeve] I'm packing!

[Jesus stabs one Iraqi with the knife with one hand and kills the other with a silenced handgun]

Santa:
[to an Iraqi] I'm gonna fucking kill you!

Iraqi:
You're not in the position to kill anyone. I just want you to tell me America's plan.

Santa:
Then we're in for a long night, 'cause I don't know shit!

Santa:
I just couldn't do it. [camera flashes onto dead Iraqi] I just couldn't let him live. He shocked Santa's balls!

Santa:
Christmas is a very special time of year, but this year it almost didn't happen. There's a man named Jesus who gave his life to save me. And so I declare that every year on Christmas Day. We should remember Jesus for what he did, and thank him for it. From now on, Christmas will be a day for remembering a brave man named Jesus.

Randy:
Stan!

Sheila:
Kyle!

[Kenny reappears after being dead for the whole sixth season]

Kenny:
Hey, guys what's going on?

Stan:
Oh, hey, Kenny.

Kyle:
Hey, dude, where have you been?

Kenny:
Oh, I was just over there. [points off-screen]