South Park, Season 7

Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny:
[singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--

[Ike hops onscreen]

Kyle:
Aw, damn it!

Stan:
What?

Kyle:
My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!

Ike:
Suck my balls.

Kyle:
No, Ike. You can't come to school with me.

Cartman:
Yeah, go home, you little dildo!

Kyle:
Dude, for the last time, don't call my brother a dildo!

Cartman:
Alright. Go home, you little semen-puking asshole dick head.

[Stan, Kenny and Cartman laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]

Stan:
Dude! Sweet!

Kyle:
Yeah. Check it out. Ready, Ike? Kick the baby!

Ike:
Don't kick the goddamn baby.

Kyle:
Kick the baby! [kicks Ike]

Ike:
Wah! Ow!

Chef:
He's a doctor who specializes in your asshole, children.

Stan:
You mean, at one point in this guy's life, he decided he wanted to work up people's butt holes?

Chef:
That's right.

Kyle:
What a dick.

[an alien satellite dish has fully expanded from within Cartman's ass]

Kyle:
Are you okay?

Cartman:
Dude.... You know that feeling when you take a huge dump? Awesome.

Chef:
Well, doctor?

Proctologist:
I've never quite seen this before. Perhaps he just needs some hemorrhoid cream....

[the dish immediately re-enters Cartman at high speed]

Stan:
You alright?

Cartman:
You know that feeling when the huge dump you just took shoots back up your ass? NO, I'M NOT ALRIGHT!

Najix:
Well, you don't think the whole universe works the way Earth does, do you? No! One species, one planet! There's a planet of deer, a planet of Asians, and so on! We put them all together on Earth and the whole universe tunes in to watch the fun!

Joozian 2:
You've made it to a hundred episodes. You should be proud!

Joozian 1:
Yeah, a show should never go past a hundred episodes, or else it starts to get stale with ridiculously stupid plot lines and settings.

Stan:
Dude, I have no idea what we're seeing right now, but I have a feeling it's really, really wrong.

Joozian 1:
Oh man, I can't believe I sucked your jaggon.

Joozian 2:
Oh God, we did suck each others's jaggons!

Jimmy:
Look! My gang, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now! And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the nigga on your left.

TV reporter:
...if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Grocery Clerk:
You know, son, I remember you coming in last week and buying this much toilet paper.

Cartman:
Oh yeah, that's right.

Grocery Clerk:
Toilet paper, toilet paper...

Kyle:
You TP'd a house last week, Cartman?

Cartman:
No, last Thursday night was Fajitas night.

Kyle:
Oh...ewww!

[after luring Kyle onto a boat with him and rowing them to the middle of a pond, Cartman sneaks up behind Kyle and hits him in the head with a Wiffle bat. It bounces off his hat]

Kyle:
Ow! What the hell are you doing, Cartman?

Cartman:
I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a Wiffle bat so this may take a while. [hits him again]

Kyle:
Cartman!

Cartman:
Don't fight it, Kyle, it'll only take longer. Just slip into sweet unconsciousness. [Hits Kyle two more times]

Kyle:
You want to kill me, fine! [Turns around] I can't live like this anymore! Go ahead! [Cartman initially hesitates] Do it!

Cartman:
[Hits Kyle several more times] Won't be long now, Kyle. [Keeps hitting Kyle. Stan and Kenny come up in a paddle boat]

Stan:
Cartman, what're you doing?

Cartman:
I'm getting rid of our problem. Kyle will be dead in a matter of hours.

Josh:
Tell me something first. When you went to the academy you had something to prove--you wanted to protect and serve but mostly you just wanted to protect yourself. Who were you protecting yourself from, Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady:
Alright! Alright! My uncle Charles used to hit me with a belt!

Guard:
Josh, were you doing the silly voice for the policeman again?

Josh:
[in a normal, high-pitched voice] No sir.

Josh:
Your uncle who hit you with a belt, was he a large man?

Officer Barbrady:
I don't have time for this, kid.

Josh:
Did he stink like beer when he came home from work, all tired from playing down at the pool house?

Officer Barbrady:
All right, all right! My dad dressed me up like a little girl on poker nights and made me sit on all my uncles' laps! [breaks down into sobs]

Josh:
[in a normal voice] ...Whoa. Er...oh. Thank you.

Principal Victoria:
Will you people stop barging into my office, please?

Josh:
What's the matter, Principal Victoria? Was your mother abusive? Did she spank your thighs with cold cuts and stick umbrellas up your ass?

Stan:
You'd better go over our story again so we don't screw it up.

Cartman:
Okay, last night all four of us were at the bowling alley until about 7:30 at which time we noticed Ally Sheedy the goth chick from The Breakfast Club who was bowling in the lane next to us when we asked her for her autograph but she didn't have a pen so we followed her out to her car but on the way we were accosted by five Scientologists who wanted to give us all personality tests which were administered at the Scientology Center in Denver until 10:45 at which time we accidentally boarded the wrong bus home and ended up in Ranchas Des Fritas Rojes South of Castle Rock and finally got a ride home from a man who was missing his left index finger named Gary Bushwell arriving home at 11:46.

Kyle:
I'm confused; did Ally Sheedy take the personality test?

Stan:
Yes, dude!

Cartman:
[beginning to slack off] Ugh. Ughuh. [tries to resume studying, but his eyes grow heavy. He panics] I can't do it! This is waaay too much material for a nine-year-old! [yawns loudly and promptly sleeps on his book]

Kyle:
[smacks Cartman] Not so fast, dude! Everytime we get put in a study group, you sit on your butt and slack off, while we do all of the hard parts!

Cartman:
Well you guys are such better studiers than me, I know you can pull it off!

Token:
[pointing] I don't care what you want, you're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us rather you like this or not!

Cartman:
Maaaa. M-maaaa.

Kyle:
[annoyed] Shut up and study!

Cartman:
Maaaa, Mah mah M-maaaa!

Kyle:
[irritated] SHUT UP, FATASS!!

Cartman:
[gets angry now after being called fat] DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU SON OF A BITCH!!! [leap across the desk at Kyle, and they immediately started fighting. Token and Kenny join in, the other kids start cheering]

Mr. Garrison:
HEY, HEY!!! STOP THAT FIGHTING, RIGHT NOW!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT?! GET OUT!!!! GET OUT OF THE FUCKING CLASSROOM NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kyle:
God damn it!

Cartman:
[celebrates] Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya! We've got out of schoooool! Nyanyanyanyanyaaa nya!

Kyle:
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!!!!!!

Cartman:
OH IT'S MY FAULT?! IT'S MY FAULT?!?!?!

Kyle:
YES, IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOUR A LAZY PRICK!!

Cartman:
OH YEAH?! WELL AT LEAST WE'VE GOT OUT OF SCHOOL SO WE CAN HAVE A-

Kyle:
SHUT UP!!!

[Cartman and Kyle started to argue, Token later joins in the fight, while Kenny watches]

Token:
YOU'RE THE ONE WHO STARTED SLACKING OFF!!!

[While Cartman, Kyle, and Token are arguing, Stan is seen walking, trying to find another study group when he sees some books shake.]

Stan:
[quietly] Hello? [pages start coming out of the books] Whoa! Ohhh! Hey, there's pages comin' outta these books!

People offscreen:
SHHHHHH!!!!!

[The pages fold themselves into Pagelings.]

Stan:
Who are you, guys?

Pagelings:
We are the Pagelings!

Stan:
Huh?

Paper Pete:
I am Paper Pete, the leader of the Pagelings. But you can call me P.P.

Stan:
I'll call you Pete.

Paper Pete:
Okay!

Stan:
Why are you dudes in the library?

Paper Pete:
We are the secret guardians of the books in the library. You know those blank pieces of paper in the beginning of old books?

Stan:
Yeah?

Paper Pete:
That's us! We revealed ourselves to you, noble giant, because you felt our plight when you saw the damaged books. And now is our darkest hour, for the Moldos have been growing more bold with every attack. Look at the damage done yesterday [pulls out a damaged book] at the Battle of Teddy Bear Joke Book.

Stan:
Wow! Yeah!

Paper Pete:
They're massing for a full-scale assault on every book in the library!

[breaking the fourth wall during a performance of "I'm A Little Bit Country"]

Randy:
Well, goodnight everybody. It sure has been great bringing you a hundred episodes.

Skeeter:
We want to thank our guests, the pro-war people and the anti-war people.

Token:
What the hell are they doing now?

Kyle:
[face palm] Ah, I don't know.

Everybody:
For the war, against the war- who cares? One hundred episodes! [Randy and Skeeter dance on stage as they finish the song]

Kyle:
I hate this town. I really, really do.

Jennifer Lopez:
This is bullshit! How the fuck did I end up working at a La Taco?! I had six platinum records and starred in five Hollywood movies!

Mexican Guy:
Yeah, me too.

Jennifer Lopez:
Who the hell is this other Jennifer Lopez? Where does she come from?!

Record Dude:
Well, she lives in South Park, Colorado now, but I believe she originally from Mexico, just like you.

Jennifer Lopez:
I don't come from no Mexico! I'm Puerto Rican!

Cartman:
Mom!

Liane:
What is it, sweetie?

Cartman:
Ben Affleck is naked in my bed!

Liane:
Oooh, looks like the tooth fairy was extra happy with you!

Cartman:
Repeat after me, Jennifer Lopez.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
Hennifer Lopez.

Cartman:
No no, Jeh.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
Heh.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
You can suck my culo, chica!

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
Hola, bichola!

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
Ben! You bought me roses!

Ben Affleck:
Jenny, oh Jenny, I just can't stop thinking about you.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
I can't stop thinking about you either, Ben!

Ben Affleck:
I've been meaning to write a song or a poem, but I have no talent.

Cartman (as Jennifer Lopez):
I know, my darling, that's okay!

Kyle:
Dude, who the hell is Mitch Conner?

Cartman:
I don't know, Kyle, all right? Look, I don't care what you guys believe. But with all the crazy stuff that goes on in this town, isn't it possible, just possible, that something I don't understand happened here?

Kyle:
All right, I guess it's possible.

Cartman:
Ha ha ha! I got you, kind of! I got you, kind of!

[the boys unsuccessfully tried to bust men at a meth lab; the men, trying to get away, accidentally kill themselves in a two car collision that hits and blows up an incoming car and sets all three drivers on fire; a lot of damage has been done, especially as one peddler attempts to get away in a plane, but immediately empties the gas, causing further chaos as it crashed into a post office nearby, blowing up the entire area and setting several more innocent people there on fire]

Lt. Dawson:
One UPS vehicle valued at twenty-five thousand dollars, one civilian vehicle valued at sixteen thousand dollars, the second floor of the post office and a coffee shop valued at sixteen thousand dollars! The mayor's going to have my ass!

Stan:
Uh, sir, we just kinda got blind-sided by the--

Lt. Dawson:
You got careless! Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here, we have rules! Jesus, we don't have guys to question now, because you killed them all!

Kyle:
We're sorry.

Lt. Dawson:
One more slip-up like that and I'll have your badges! You hear me?! Now hit the showers!

[the boys are in the locker room, preparing to shower. Four guys, who appear to be cops themselves, are also changing their clothes]

Officer Murphy:
Well, well, well, if it isn't the super cops.

[the officers begin to giggle]

Officer Jenkins:
Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joe's?

Officer Hopkins:
Come on, you guys. Leave them alone.

Officer Murphy:
Relax, Hopkins! [removes his briefs and drops them to the ground] All fun and games, right? [moves to the end of the lockers and hides behind it, only to peek out] So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?

Cartman:
Uh, bonus?

Officer Murphy:
Come on, we all skim a little off the top. Oh, or are you too good for that? [walks back to the other officers] So you think you're going to waltz in here and clean up the system. Is that it?

Stan:
[softly] We just wanna be junior detectives.

Officer Murphy:
Look, we all work hard! And we deserve more than the thirty-thousand a year we get paid! So what if we take in a little on the side?

Officer Jenkins:
Yeah! Who the hell are you to say that?!

Officer Hopkins:
I said, back off, Murphy!

Officer Murphy:
Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?

Officer Jenkins:
That's right. Come on, bring it!

Officer 3:
Yeah, let's go! Come on, bring it!

Lt. Dawson:
What the heck is the problem here?!

Officer Murphy:
No problem, sir. No problem at all.

Lt. Dawson:
Then hit the showers, all of ya!

Stan:
You totally had it! You had enough to save the town and then some.

Randy:
Stan? Okay? You just don't understand the fine points of gambling. You're never supposed to stop when you're on a winning streak.

Stan:
A winning streak??!! You played one game!!!!

Randy:
Stan? Okay?

Stan:
What???

Randy:
All right? Stan? Okay?

Stan:
You people just got greedy, like the Native Americans!

Randy:
Hey, mister!! We're not like them, all right?! Now, we may have pie in the sky dreams once in a while, but we aren't the ones kicking people out of their homes! So don't you compare us to those cold-hearted, money-grubbing, evil stinky Indians! I'm sorry, Native Americans.

Randy:
Stanley, listen to me. I have SARS. There's only a 98% percent chance that I will live.

Stan:
No Dad, No!

Randy:
Listen Stan! SARS is destroying our people. The Native Americans put it in the blankets they gave us. Soon there will be only 98% of us left.

Randy:
The spirit of middle-class white people is strong in you, son.

Randy:
There's more to life than profits.

Indian Chief:
Really, Like what?

Randy:
You know, like Slurpees and stuff.

Randy:
Ah women. God I hate them.

Cartman:
Man, Indians have it good, huh?

Randy:
Now Eric, they're called Native Americans, remember? Show some respect.

Indian Chief:
Sorry, there are no minors allowed on the casino floor.

Cartman:
I'm not a miner, dumbass, do you see a shovel in my hand?

Cartman:
Oh please, Craig, we're 10 times gayer than you are!

Cartman:
Look, guys. A lot of the kids in school are talking and they are spreading rumors that we're not metro-sexuals because we hang out with Kyle.

Stan:
Well what can we do about it?

Cartman:
We have no choice guys. We're just going to have to kill Kyle.

Mr. Garrison:
Eric, you're not half bi.

Cartman:
I'm like a quarter bi. My grandpa was bi so that makes me a quarter bi.

Mr. Garrison:
What?!

Mr. Garrison:
Mr. Tweek, why don't we go back to my place?

Mr. Tweek:
Why?

Mr. Garrison:
Well, you know. I was just thinking we could put on some music and watch videos and pound Mr. Slave's tight little ass.

Mr. Slave:
Ooh. Jesus Christ!

Mr. Tweek:
Whoa! Goodness no. I'm straight.

Mr. Garrison:
Straight? Jesus, what the heck is going on here?! Why won't anybody pound Mr. Slave's butt?

Randy:
Well, we don't 'pound butt', Mr. Garrison, we're straight.

Mr. Garrison:
Those pants and those shoes say you pound butt!

Jimbo:
Hey, now that's not true. My shoes don't say I pound butt.

Mr. Garrison:
No, your shoes say you take it in the butt!

Mr. Garrison:
Chef, what did you do when white people stole your culture?

Chef:
Oh, well, we black people just always tried to stay out in front of them.

Mr. Slave:
How did you do that?

Chef:
Well, like with our slang. Black people always used to say, "I'm in the house" instead of "I'm here." But then white people all started to say "in the house" so we switched it to "in the hizzouse." Hizzouse became hizzizzouse, and then white folk started saying that, and we had to change it to hizzle, then "in the hizzle" which we had to change to "hizzle fo shizzle," and now, because white people say "hizzle fo shizzle," we have to say "flippity floppity floop."

Mr. Garrison:
We don't have time for all that, Chef! Oh, if only those Queer Eye For the Straight Guy people understood what they were doing. Wait. That's it! I know exactly what to do! Come on, Mr. Slave! Let's get back to our flippity floppity floop.

Chef:
Oh no! Darn it! Don't call it that!

All Crab People:
Crab People! Crab People!

Crab Person:
Taste like crab, talk like people.

All Crab People:
Crab People! Crab People!

Cartman, Stan, Kenny:
We're here! We're not queer! But we're close! Get used to it!

Randy:
Stan, are you okay?

Stan:
Yeah, Dad, we're just rehearsing our band.

Randy:
Oh. I thought a group of Vietnamese people were getting their intestines pulled out through their mouths. [closes door, Eric laughs sarcastically]

Cartman:
Token, how many times do we have to go through this? You're black, you can play bass.

Token:
I'm getting sick of your stereotypes.

Cartman:
Be as sick as you want, just gimme a god damn bass line.

Token:
[playing a flawless funky bass melody] God damn it.

Gerald:
The answer is no, Kyle.

Kyle:
Oh, come on, dad, stop being such a Jew!

Sheila:
Kyle! Don't belittle your own people.

Butters:
Oh, we're not really Christian! We're just pretending we are!

Cartman:
Butters, remind me later to cut your balls off.

Sergeant Yates:
Man must learn to think of these horrible outcomes before he acts selfishly or else--I fear--recording artists will be forever doomed to a life of only semi-luxury.

Cartman:
[singing]

Don't ever leave me, Jesus. I couldn't stand to see you go

My heart would simply snap, my Lord, if you walked on out that door

I promise I'll be good to you, and keep you warm at night

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, why don't we just shut off the lights?

Cartman:
[singing]

I want to get down on my knees and start pleasing Jesus

I want to feel his salvation all over my face

TV Reporter:
When asked if MOOP's strike will stop them from illegally downloading music, 1% said "yes". 2% said "no". And, 97% said "Who the heck is MOOP?" Back to you, Tom.

Kyle:
We're not letting you back in our band, Cartman! Back off!

Cartman:
I don't want to be in your crappy band, guys.

Stan:
You don't know anything about Christianity, Eric.

Cartman:
I know enough to exploit it.

James Hetfield (of Metallica):
We're going to protest until music downloading stops.

Cartman:
Goddammit! [throws his plaque onto the ground, shattering it; the myrrh album falls away]

[Faith + 1's fans are stunned and they gasp]

Michael Collins:
Oh, please don't take the Lord's name in vain.

Cartman:
Who cares?! I can never win my bet because you stupid assholes don't give out platinum albums!

Michael Collins:
But you spread the Word of the Lord. You've brought faith in Jesus.

Cartman:
Oh, Fuck Jesus! [Faith + 1's fans gasp; a woman screams in disbelief]

Butters:
Eric, I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say the "F" word about Jesus.

Token:
Yeah, you're gonna hurt the band.

Cartman:
Who fucking cares, Token?! I can never beat Kyle now! I'll say it again: FUCK JESUS! [people start to scream and run away]

Man:
My ears are bleeding!

Token:
Good job, dickhead, you've lost the entire audience!

Cartman:
Oh, fuck you, Token, you black asshole!

[Token angrily beats up Cartman and walks away while Stan, Kyle, and Kenny see Cartman coughing in pain]

Stan:
Hmm, guess he got what he deserved. [he, Kyle, & Kenny walk away]

Butters:
[pauses for a moment, then farts in Cartman's face and gives him the finger] Fuck you, Eric. [walks away, leaving Cartman all alone on his knees, face down while he tries to recover from his pain and humiliation]

[the episode ends]

[end credits]

Cartman:
[yawns] Oh God, memorial services are sooo boring.

Kyle:
[jabs Cartman and says in hushed tones] Dude, don't you get it? Nine people died after they got run over'd! That means we're free!

Cartman:
Yeah, but like, eight of them were hippies. Mostly hippies go to farmer's markets. Mostly.

Father Maxi:
It is sometimes hard, in times like these, to understand God's way. Why would he allow nine innocent people to be run down in the prime of their lives by a senior citizen who, perhaps, shouldn't be driving? It is then that we must understand, God's sense of humor is very different from our own. He does not laugh at the simple "man walks into a bar" joke. No, God needs complex irony and subtle farcical twists that seem macabre to you and me. All that we can hope for is that God got his good laugh and a tragedy such as this will never happen again.

Stan:
I think old people should have rights, grandpa. I just don't want to die.

Randy:
Oh, brother. Good job, Dad. Look at you now.

Grandpa Marsh:
Oh, god damn it! Don't you lecture me, you son of a bitch!

Randy:
You just had to be so damn stubborn, didn't you?

Grandpa Marsh:
Now my son is going to talk to me like I'm 12!

Randy:
We're not treating you like children, Dad, alright. Now I think you owe Mr. Police Officer an apology. Who needs to apologize, hmm? Who's a sorry sorry?

Grandpa Marsh:
Kiss my sagging ass!

Cartman:
The poor kid passes it to the Jew, the Jew shoots. Oh, and the shot is blocked again, proving once and for all that Jews cannot play hockey!

Kyle:
It's not fair! Cartman's fatter than the goal!

Cartman:
I'm not fat, I just have a sweet hockey body.

Stan:
Dad, why is everyone letting the old people do this? Why doesn't somebody stop them?

Randy:
They've tried to stop them, son, but the seniors get up so early in the morning they...get everything done before everyone else is even awake.

Kyle:
They're saying something about taking over the whole country!

Randy:
Yes... And now seeing how early they get up, I don't see how anyone can stop them. Wait a minute! You boys! You get up almost as early as they do. You can fight them.

Stan:
No, come on dad! Can't you guys do it?

Randy:
No, son, we...like to sleep in.

Randy:
Son! Avenge me! Avenge... meh!

Kyle:
You guys! I have awesome news!

Cartman:
You have AIDS?

Kyle:
It's like the Disneyland of Mexican restaurants!

Cartman:
This Saturday awesome!

Kyle:
Who said I'm inviting you?

Cartman:
Your mom said you are taking 3 friends.

Kyle:
Yes. 3 Friends. You're not my friend.

Cartman:
Come on Kyle who are you going to invite besides Stan and Kenny?

Kyle:
I'm going to take Butters. He invited me to his Birthday last month so I owe him one.

Cartman:
Butters?!! You're going to take that butthole? Why?

Kyle:
Because Butters have never been a total dick to me!

Cartman:
I have never been a dick to you!

Kyle:
Oh please! All you ever do is call me names and rip on me for being Jewish!

Cartman:
Kyle, when is the last time I rip on you for being a Jew? [flashback clips occur from when Cartman rips on Kyle for being Jewish on other past episodes] ...OK, expect maybe for that one time.

Kyle:
You've always been a dick to me Cartman, and I'm not inviting you.

Cartman:
Kyle, You don't understand. Casa Bonita is my most favorite place in the whole world. I'll just-I'll Just die if you don't take me, please!

Kyle:
Sorry, my mind is made up.

Cartman:
[exploding and flipping Kyle off] WELL FUCK YOU, KYLE! I DON'T WANT TO GO TO YOUR FAGGY BIRTHDAY PARTY ANYWAY! I'D RATHER HANG OUT AT HOME THAN HAVE TO BE WITH YOU AND YOUR JEW MOM ALL DAY! KISS MY BALLS, ASSHOLE!

[Cartman leaves but returns moments later]

Cartman:
Dude, I totally didn't mean that, Kyle. I really, really wanna go to Casa Bonita. I'm sorry we had that fight just now. I mean, I said some things, you said some things, but I think it was good, and we've moved past it.

Kyle:
I'm not inviting you to Casa Bonita.

Cartman:
[exploding and flipping Kyle off again] WELL FUCK YOU, KYLE! I HOPE YOU DIE! I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!!

[Cartman leaves and this time, he doesn't return]

[Cartman comes to Kyle's house dressed in a nice sweater]

Cartman:
Hi, Kyle.

Kyle:
That isn't it, Cartman.

Cartman:
What isn't it?

Kyle:
That isn't being nice, that's just putting on a nice sweater.

Cartman:
I don't understand the difference.

Kyle:
I know you don't. [closes the door]

Cartman:
Take that Jimmy and that! DON'T YOU DARE TALK BAD ABOUT KYLE AGAIN! KYLE'S MY FRIEND AND IF YOU SAID IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH KYLE'S MOM I WILL LET YOU REALLY HAVE IT! DID YOU HEAR ME?!! Oh. Hey, Kyle.

Kyle:
Do you really think beating up handicap kids is being nice?

Cartman:
Hey Kyle! Knock knock, Kyle! Knock knock!

Kyle:
Yeah Casa Bonita this Saturday!

Butters:
Wow, that's going to be so great!

Stan:
Yeah. Just the four of us.

Kenny:
Yeah!

Cartman:
Hey, Kyle.

Kyle:
Well.

Cartman:
Well, what?

Kyle:
How are you going to get invited to Casa Bonita this time?

Cartman:
I'm not Kyle. I already know you told Butters he can go.

Kyle:
Oh. Well, I did.

Cartman:
So fine, Kyle, but honestly I never meant to treat you as you don't matter at all to me. I know we argue all the time and I give you tons of crap but we also have been through a lot together. Maybe that alone doesn't makes us friends but it makes us something. So fine, Kyle, I hope things will be cool.

Kyle:
I'm still not inviting you to Casa Bonita.

Cartman:
I know, Kyle. I'll see you later.

Kyle:
Hey, Cartman? You really sure you don't care if you can't go?

Cartman:
I care sure but I hope it doesn't mean you, me, Stan and Kenny can't hang out anymore.

Kyle:
That's what I wanted to hear from all along. I still have to take Butters but I hope things can be cool to.

Cartman:
Sure.

Kyle:
Hey, if for some reason Butters is unable to go you can take his place.

Cartman:
Sweet whatever! [Walking away from Kyle] Bingo!

Kyle:
Where is Butters? We are supposed to leave 40 minutes ago.

Sheila:
Well, I think we should be going without him Kyle because it's getting late.

Kyle:
Yeah screw him let's go.

[Doorbell ringing]

Kyle:
Oh, finally!

Cartman:
Happy Birthday, Kyle. I just came to stop here to you your present.

Kyle:
Oh. Thanks dude!

Cartman:
Hope you have a good one, I'll see you later.

Kyle:
Oh wait, Cartman.

[Cartman stops]

Cartman:
Yes?

Kyle:
Butters didn't show. You want to go to Casa Bonita with us?

Cartman:
Butters didn't show? I can't believe it. Are you sure you told him the right time and everything?

Kyle:
I told him 5:30 and he we got to get going. Are you in?

Cartman:
Well I should be going home to get my no I have everything I need lets go.

Kyle:
Alright let's go.

Sheila:
Okay, boys, get in the car.

Cartman:
Casa Bonita, here we come.

Sheila:
Oh Hello, Mr. Stotch.

Stephen:
Hello, everyone. Have any of you seen our son?

Kyle:
Butters is supposed to go with us to Casa Bonita Tonight.

Stephen:
We know but he hasn't been home since last Night. The police been looking everywhere but well thank you. Please let us know if you find out with anything.

Kyle:
Dude weak.

Cartman:
Yeah, man That sucks about Butters. Well, let's get going, shall we.

Kyle:
Nah. Dude, I can't go to a birthday party while Butters is missing.

Stan:
Yeah, it's kind of weird.

Cartman:
Yeah, Yeah. I think you're right but on the other hand I think Butters would want us to go. You know Butters.

Kyle:
Nah, I can't. We should help look for him.

Stan:
Yeah.

Sheila:
That's very good of you boys. We can postpone Casa Bonita till next Saturday.

Cartman:
Next Saturday?!! I'll never be able to keep Butters down in the depts of my heart for that long. I sure he shows up he turns up before then.

Stan:
Dude we should check over at Stark's pond Butters always hangs out there.

Kyle:
Yeah and we should try the football field.

Sheila:
I'll drive you boys.

Cartman:
OH God damn it. I'm going to try to keep Butters down in that Bomb Shelter for a whole week.

Butters:
But Eric, how am I supposed to re-populate the Earth?

Cartman:
You know like, with your wiener.

Butters:
With my wiener?!

Stan:
Dude, it's Kyle's birthday, we should do whatever he wants to do.

Cartman:
What? Fuck Kyle! Ha! Ha! Just kidding. Birthday joke. Of course we do whatever Kyle wants. Happy birthday Kyle.

Sheila:
Wait up, Eric, we need to stay together. (her phone rings) Oh, hold on boys, that's my cell phone. (takes it out of her purse and answers it) Hello? Yes. Oh, that's great! (to the boys) Boys, they found Butters! (Cartman starts to panic) He's okay!

Kyle:
Oh, awesome.

Stan:
I knew he'd turn up.

Sheila:
...yes, Eric Cartman is with us. Why? (she starts to get furious) Oh, really.

Kyle:
What?

Sheila:
Yes, I will certainly let him know! Thank you! (hangs up) Well, it appears that Eric here is responsible for Butters missing, because HE wanted to go to Casa Bonita.

Kyle:
What?!

Sheila:
Eric, the South Park Police are already on their way here to have a little talk with you!

Cartman:
But... Casa Bonita!

Kyle:
I should have known better! You never cared about my birthday at all!

Cartman:
But I... (turns back and holds Kyle) Stand back!

Stan:
Cartman, you don't have to do this.

Cartman:
I am going to Casa Bonita! (the boys hear police sirens)

Kyle:
It's too late, fatass, They'll be here in less than a minute!

Cartman:
Ah...nyah! (throws Kyle and runs inside Casa Bonita in a state of panic) Less than a minute! Less than a minute!

Kyle:
Cartman!

Police Officer:
Well, kid, you made an entire town panic, you lost all of your friends and now you're going to Juvenile Hall for a week! Was it all worth it?

Cartman:
...Totally.

Mr. Garrison:
Wow, it seems like I don't have a class full of retards anymore, doesn't it, children?

Kyle:
Dude, that new kid is such a douche.

Cartman:
Yeah, somebody needs to put him in his place.

Butters:
He's a pecker-face, that's what he is.

Cartman:
Go kick his ass, Stan!

Clyde:
Yeah, go kick his ass.

Stan:
[unsure] W-—maybe he won't fight.

Cartman:
Will he bleed? That's all we care about.

Kyle:
Come on, dude, somebody needs to wipe that buckskin smirk off his face.

Craig:
Yeah, little bitch!

Stan:
Alright, I'm going to go kick his leg. [leaves to do so]

Cartman:
Yeah, go Stan! Go Stan! ...alright, I've got five bucks on the other kid, who wants in?

Cartman:
You were supposed to kick his ass, not lick his butt hole!

Gary's sister:
And you must be Stan's sister! Oh, I think your brother's the greatest!

Shelley:
My brother is a stupid turd!

Gary:
Hey, Stan.

Stan:
Oh, brother.

Cartman:
Uh oh, the jilted lover returns!

Gary:
Listen, I just wanted to let you know you don't have to worry about me trying to be your friend anymore.

Stan:
...I don't?

Gary:
Look, maybe us Mormons do believe in crazy stories that make absolutely no sense. And maybe Joseph Smith did make it all up. But I have a great life and a great family and I have the Book of Mormon to thank for that. The truth is, I don't care if Joseph Smith made it all up. Because what the church teaches now is loving your family, being nice and helping people. And even though people in this town might think that's stupid, I still choose to believe in it. All I ever did was try to be your friend, Stan, but you're so high and mighty you couldn't look past my religion and just be my friend back. You got a lot of growing up to do, buddy. Suck my balls.

[Gary leaves. Stan just stands and stares in shock at what just happened]

Cartman:
Darn, that kid is cool, huh?

Randy:
Let me handle this, Sharon. You got to put these cult people in their place or else they never stop! I'm going to go kick this Mr. Harrison's leg! [exits and slams the door shut, but quickly returns] Is Mr. Harrison...is a...is a white guy, right?

South Park Elementary. Kids are made to watch a ridiculous dance number in auditorium

Dance Number:
Butt out, come on, give that cigarette butt a throw!...And remember kids, if you don't smoke, you can grow up to be just like us!

[Stan and the others are seen fervently smoking in the next scene]

Cartman:
Oh, shit! Here comes Mr. Mackey.

[The boys throw their still-lit cigarettes into a nearby dumpster, then manage to stop coughing]

[A fire has started in the dumpster; Mr. Mackey is unaware of this]

Mr. Mackey:
Uh, smoking's bad, m'kay? If you start smoking at an early age, it's gonna be bad, m'kay? [The fire quickly spreads across the whole school; Mr. Mackey remains unaware] Smoking can lead to all kinds of health problems like cancer. M'kay, let me tell you something about cancer. Uh, cancer's bad, m'kay, and, uh--[realizes that the school is burning] What? What the? HOLY SHIT!! M'kay?

Cartman:
He just goes around imposing his will on people, he's my idol.

Cartman:
Handle it? For two billion dollars I'd handle my grandpa's balls, dude.

Cartman:
Wow, it's like smoking brings a lot of people just a little bit of joy, and you get to take that away from them! You're awesome.

Factory Worker 1:
[singing] I like to have a cigarette every now and then. It makes me feel calmer when the day is at an end.

Factory Worker 2:
[singing] And if it gives me cancer when I'm 80, I don't care. Who the heck wants to be 90 anyway?

Rob Reiner:
I'm not Rita Poon, I'm Rob Reiner. And you've just been Reiner'd!

Cartman:
I don't idolize you anymore, asshole! [grabs the fork and stabs on Rob Reiner's belly]

Rob Reiner:
My goo! My precious goo!

Bebe:
Wendy breaks up.

Stan:
What?

Bebe:
Wendy breaks up with you.

Stan:
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What did I do wrong? I haven't even talked to Wendy for weeks!

Bebe:
Whatever! You guys are holes!

Butters:
At least we have holes, you dumb girl!

Jimmy:
Hey uh-Wen, hey wu-Wendy.

Wendy:
Yeah?

Jimmy:
Stan says you're a cont... you're a, cont... Stan says you're a... cont, cont [sounding like cunt]

Wendy:
Well tell Stan to fuck off! [leaves]

Jimmy:
Cont...continuing source of inspiration to him.

Butters:
Well, thanks for offering to let me in your clique, guys, but, to be honest, I'd rather be a crying little pussy than a faggy Goth kid.

Goth Kid:
You can't be a nonconformist if you don't drink coffee.

Goth Kid:
If you want to be one of the nonconformists, all you have to do is dress just like us and listen to the same music we do.

Butters:
I love life...Yeah, I'm sad, but at the same time, I'm really happy that something could make me feel that sad. It's like...It makes me feel alive, you know. It makes me feel human. The only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So I have to take the bad with the good. So I guess what I'm feeling is like a beautiful sadness.

Stan:
Hey, Wendy! You're a bitch. Token, [flips him off] right here, buddy.

[Token and Wendy walk off angrily]

Kyle:
Oh, dude. It's good to have you back.

Stan:
Yeah, let's play ball.

Harry Gints:
My name is Harry Gints and this is my wife Elise. We're from Canada.

Gerald Broflovski:
Yes, I can tell.

Harry Gints:
It was a tough time for us. It was a tough time for all of Canada. The whole country was devastated by the cola wars...

Harry Gints:
[referring to Ike] We're going to take good care of him.

Kyle:
[coldly] You'd better.

Cartman:
Kyle, I just want you to know, if it were any other time of year, I still wouldn't help you.

Mr. Garrison:
How 'bout we get rid of all the Mexicans.

Mayor McDaniels:
Mr. Garrison, every Christmas you suggest we get rid of all the Mexicans, and every Christmas we tell you, "No!"

Mr. Garrison:
Rats!

Cartman:
[to Kyle] YOU F**KING ASSHOLE! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!

Kyle:
What?

Cartman:
Everyone's gonna be charitable, and give money to your family instead of buying Christmas presents! YOU F**KING JEWS RUIN CHRISTMAS AGAIN! [screams and charges Kyle. Stan and Kenny rush forward and pull him back]

Stan:
Whoa, whoa, Cartman!

Cartman:
It wasn't enough for you people to kill Jesus, now you have to kill Christmas too, huh!?

City Wok. Mr. Tuong is sitting in an empty restaurant

Mr. Tuong{talking to himself}:
Stupid Christmas. No one eat Chinese food.

Phone rings

Mr. Tuong:
Oh boy, some business! Picks up phone Hello, Shitty Wok, wanna try our shitty pork?

Broflovski residence. Kyle called

Kyle:
Sorry, I must have called the wrong number. I was looking for City Airlines.

Mr. Tuong:
Oh right. One moment please. I will put you through.

Mr. Tuong puts on pilot's cap and flips over sign. City Wok now reads City Airlines

Mr. Tuong:
Herro, Shitty Airlines!

Kyle:
We need to go to Canada. As soon as possible.

Mr. Tuong:
Ooh, Canada. Okay. That's pretty far. Gonna cost a Lotta money. Let's see. How many people?

Kyle:
Four.

Mr. Tuong:
Okay. [under his breath] Four people...Canada...cost a Lotta money... [normal] It's gonna be about, uh, 6,500 dollars!

Kyle:
How 'bout 50 dollars?

Mr. Tuong:
Fifty dollars?! You fry to Canada! Cost at least three thousand dollars!

Kyle:
55 dollars.

Mr. Tuong:
Hey stop wasting my time with fifty five dollars. No way I take my plane to Canada for ress than 1,000 dollars!

Kyle:
Okay. 60 dollars.

Mr. Tuong:
62 dollars.

Kyle:
Okay.

Mr. Tuong:
Okay, meet me Park County Airfield, Yellow Sesnut, Tair Number 432-G.

Kyle:
Got it. [Both hang up phone]

Mr. Tuong:
[slight pause] He he he. Never try to barter with a Chinese man!

Mr. Twong:
Hello, welcome Shitty Airline!

Cartman:
Oh no, no, no, no, I am not flying in that thing.

Kenny:
Me neither.

Kyle:
Why not?!

Kenny:
'Cause, dude, I'll fucking die!

Kyle:
You're not gonna die, Kenny, don't be stupid!

Cartman:
You guys get Ike. Kenny and I will stay here and watch the fort.

Stan:
No, you're both coming. Do you care about Christmas or not?

Cartman:
Of course I care about Christmas! Oh, Christ on a stick!

Kyle:
All right! We're going to Canada!

Cartman:
Weak.

Mr. Twong:
Herro from the cockpit, this is your captain speaking. As you can see, it appears that we are going down. Now would be a good time to reflect on your life, and pray to whatever deity you believe in. Thank you for frying Shitty Airlines. We know you have a choice in airlines, and it looks like you made the wrong one.

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
Alright boys, prepare yourselves. We're about to enter French Canada.

Kyle:
French Canada?

French Canadians:
[singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! The other Canada is hardly Canada; if you lived here for a day, you'd understand!

Mime:
Oh, ha ha! Welcome to French Canada!

Hockey Player:
We have everything your heart could desire! Trapezes, trampolines, and lots and lots of cheese!

Artist:
Would you like a mustache?

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
Just stay calm, boys. French Canadians are a little odd.

Stan:
Uh, we're just passing through to see the new Prime Minister.

Mime:
Well first, you must answer that phone. [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle:
We don't have time for this.

Mime:
You cannot pass through French Canada unless you take that phone call! [miming a phone call] Ring ring, ring ring.

Kyle:
[grudgingly playing along] Hello.

Mime:
Hello! If you are going to see the new Prime Minister, then I want to go with you! He has passed a new law forbidding us French Canadians to drink wine!

Artist:
How can the French not drink wine?! Travestie!

Kyle:
Okay, you can come with us.

Mime:
Ha ha, very good! Let us make haste!

French Canadians:
[singing] There's no Canada like French Canada, its the best Canada in the land! And the other Canada--

Mime:
--is a bull shoot Canada!

French Canadians:
[singing] If you lived there for a day, you'd understand!

Mime:
I think you'd understand. You understand.

[Scott appears suddenly]

Scott:
Hey, what are you doing?!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
Argh!

Mime:
Oh no! It's Scott!

Scott:
What are you two doing helping these Americans? Don't you know America thinks it owns Canada along with the rest of the world?!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
You're a dick, Scott!

Kyle:
God dammit, we need to get to the new Prime Minister, now!

Steve the Newfoundlander:
Oh yeah, the new Prime Minister, eh? He sure has screwed up things for Newfoundland. Life just hasn't been the same since he made sodomy illegal.

Kyle:
Can we just get going please?

Steve the Newfoundlander:
Yeah sure, there's just one problem.

Stan:
What?

Steve the Newfoundlander:
You folks are going the wrong way.

Stan:
What?! But I thought there was only one road in Canada!

Steve the Newfoundlander:
Yeah, and you all went the wrong direction on it.

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
Oh, that's right! Ottawa is that way!

Mime:
Of course! Ottawa left, Newfoundland right!

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
It's okay, boys. The power is inside us to get to Ottawa! We can wish ourselves there!

Mime:
Ah yes! Let's wish ourselves there!

[harps and angelic choir music is heard]

Rick, the Proud Canadian Mountie:
Is it working?

Steve the Newfoundlander:
Of course, we could always take me boat, aye.

Saddam Hussein:
[acting as the Prime Minister of Canada] Uh, don't mind that guy hiding in the spider hole, he's just my friend.

Saddam Hussein:
Uh, don't shoot! I want to negotiate! Hey, relax!

[Cartman's watch goes off]

Stan:
What is that?

Cartman:
It's Christmas. We officially missed it. It's Christmas day and...I'm in Canada.

Kyle:
Well yeah, but I-I got my brother back!

Cartman:
Yeah, you got your brother back, but I didn't get any presents! And what did I tell you, Kyle? [takes off his mittens] I told you if we didn't make it back in time for Christmas I was going to whoop your ass, didn't I? [takes off his coat, bunches it up, and throws it aside]

Kyle:
Dude, come on.

Cartman:
Well, now you're going to get it, motherf**ker! That's right, you and me, right now; we're having it out! Let's go! Come on! Come on!

Kyle:
[Softly] Uh, Okay.....

[Kyle lightly slaps Cartman, causing him to enter a daze; he snaps out of it and wails uncontrollably]

Cartman:
Waaaaaahhhh! Waaaaaaahh! Mooooom! Mooooom!

Rick, the Proud Mountie:
Hey, come on boys! You can spend Christmas with us, Canada style!