SpongeBob SquarePants, Season 13

Mr. Krabs:
Squidward?

Squidward:
Yes, Mr.- achoo! Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
Why don't all these new pets have patties in front of them, I'm running a business, not a showdown.

[The episode starts at the Chum Bucket, of which the bucket's handle falls to the ground, and Plankton and Karen are come out of it with a hot air balloon shaped like a heart for a date.]

Karen:
Ah, I'm floating on air! A balloon ride, a candle-light dinner, and our wedding song is playing! Oh, this day is perfect.

Plankton:
No, you're perfect, Karen. You're the best computer wife a copepod ever could have! [types on keyboard] Bon-bon? [he presses a button on the keyboard]

Karen:
Oh, I shouldn't. [her computer screen turns into a woman eating a bon-bon]

Plankton:
Indulge yourself, my darling.

Karen:
Thank you, Plankton. This is truly a date to remember.

Plankton:
Well, my love, you haven't seen anything yet. [comes back dressed as Ray Ray] For you, my love! [passes a rose to Karen using his tongue]

Karen:
Oh, Ray Ray! [laughs and sniffs rose] Aah.

Plankton:
[combs hair] That's right, baby. Ray Ray is at your service. [shines teeth]

Karen:
Ray Ray, you've got my cooling fans running on high. [grabs Plankton and knocks down table] Ha, ha. Get over here and give me some sugar! [as Plankton and Karen are about to kiss, Plankton sees Mr. Krabs down from above.]

Plankton:
Huh?

Mr. Krabs:
♪Do do do do do♪ [places the formula on top of his boat, and yawns and stretches] What a long day. [he gets in his boat as he leaves the formula behind]

Plankton:
[looks down at the formula; angelic singing] Uh... eh... ehh! AHHH! I CAN'T TAKE IT!!!!

Karen:
What is it, Plankton?

Plankton:
Hold that thought, baby. I uh- I forgot something down here. I'll be right back! [jumps off from the balloon and his clothes fall off] Can't believe this is really happening. [falls to the ground] The Krabby Patty secret formula is finally mine! Huh? [he goes through the formula; every time he touches it, his hand goes through the formula] Huh? Eh... [the formula disappears] Ehh! [looks for the formula] Hm, eh, ah, eh, eh! Is this some kind of horrible nightmare? What? [the scene cuts to inside the Chum Bucket to reveal that Plankton was on top of a green screen] A projector? You tricked me with a simulation?!

Karen:
It was a test, Plankton! And you failed! You fail every time when it comes to our romance.

Plankton:
Right, so I goof up one time and now I'm the bad guy?

Karen:
One time? Failed one time? [numbers show up on her screen] How about 4,700,000 and- [glitching] Error, er-er-error.

Plankton:
But baby cakes, I left to go get the Krabby Patty secret formula. For me... and you... You know... for us! [puts on a cute face] Ehhh?

Karen:
Listen, Sheldon. You need to show me an interruption-free romantic date night because until that happens, no one is leaving the Chum Bucket. [presses an alarm that makes the Chum Bucket go on lockdown]

Plankton:
Aah! [a brick wall crushes the front doors as the Chum Bucket's glove grabs some tinfoil as it places it on top of the roof and puts a rubber band on it.; Karen grabs Plankton, and his Ray Ray clothes get put on] Oof!

Karen:
You better not mess this one up, Ray Ray. [flicks Plankton off her hand]

SpongeBob:
I Sent this for me yesterday, and i'm still waiting.

Announcer:
Bummer, Dude!

SpongeBob:
What?

Announcer:
Bummer Dude action figures, they're miserable. [SpongeBob Turns off the TV]

Mailman:
Hey, hey, hey spongebob, got a buncha great stuff for you today [holds up a catalog] The New "Spatula Emporium" Catalog

SpongeBob:
No

Mailman:
[Holds up a Check] Free Money from the sweepstakes you won.

SpongeBob:
[Tears off a check] No.

Mailman:
[Holds up a letter] A Letter from your family?

SpongeBob:
[eats it up] No, how about packages, do you have any packages for me?

Mailman:
Nope, No Packages, Sorry to Disappoint You, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
Well, that was fun. Now let's check that thermometer again, shall we?

Squidward:
[giving SpongeBob the thermometer] Here you go.

SpongeBob:
[looks at the thermometer as it quickly rises in temperature, and his eyes turn into thermometers as well. They both explode] Yikes! A fever! Squidward, we gotta cool you off! [puts Squidward into the sink and turns on the sink]

Squidward:
Stop!

SpongeBob:
You're right, you need even colder. [he runs to a tundra, runs up a mountain, enters a cave, and scares a blue sea bear as he comes out with a bucket of ice] Thank you!

Squidward:
[gets off the sink, leaving a huge square indent in his butt] Oh boy.

SpongeBob:
[splashes the cold water onto Squidward] There. All better?

Squidward:
[shivering] No, you buffoon!

SpongeBob:
You're right, Squidward. I have been... buffoon.

Squidward:
What?!

SpongeBob:
I've been treating the symptoms instead of the sickness! [pulls out a saw]

Squidward:
Stay away from me with that thing!

SpongeBob:
But we have to figure out what you have so we can treat it!

Squidward:
[sweating] No, um, I already know what I have, it's, uh, acute... uh... spotting, uh, sclorboritis.

SpongeBob:
[His eyes bulge out] Acute spotting sclorboritis?! I've never heard of that one. [holds out a book] Better look it up. [blows onto the book to remove the dust, which gets into Squidward's nose, making him sneeze multiple times] Oh, you're getting worse! We've gotta find a cure fast! [rapidly flips through pages] I found it. Here it is.

Squidward:
[sniffling, snot dripping] You did?

SpongeBob:
Yup. And the cure seems pretty simple. [he shows the pages to Squidward as a screaming sound effect plays] See?

Squidward:
[pushes the book down] Uh, wait, wait, did I say acute spotting sclorboritis? No no no, I must've meant... uh, uh, plerkinton's syndrome.

Marvin:
What? You did it. You're a miracle worker.

Squidward:
Well, I don't like to brag, but--

Marvin:
That's great. We've got a problem worm that needs training.

Squidward:
What?

Marvin:
[whistles] Bring him in, fellas! Say hello to Butcher.

[The Goofy Manager is in front of Goofy Goober's, looking through some keys on a ring.]

SpongeBob:
[leaning in] Good morning!

Goofy Manager:
[screams, scared] I don't carry cash! [freezes, then opens his eyes] Huh?[SpongeBob and Patrick are wearing peanut sleeping bags, in front of a tent and burnt-out campfire.]

Goofy Manager:
[disappointed] It's you two.

Patrick:
We camped out all night to see the Gooey Sneakers.

SpongeBob:
Goofy Scoopers. [steps out of sleeping bag]

Patrick:
Yeah, them! [pokes head, making a hollow sound] They're gonna write on my head!

Goofy Manager:
[sneaky] Well... about that... [SpongeBob and the manager go inside. Patrick doesn't move, and SpongeBob drags him and his sleeping bag inside.] The Goofy Scoopers are over. Too old fashioned. The kids want a new sound.

SpongeBob and Patrick:
A new sound!?

Goofy Manager:
[gestures to stage] That's right, I brought in an act you're going to flip over![The curtains open, revealing a robot of an ice cream cone wearing sunglasses, headphones, and a backwards cap. He stands at a stereo with a laptop on it and an insignia with two ice cream cones, labeled "2" and "S", on the side.] Say hello to... DJ 2 Sc00pz! [DJ 2 Sc00pz presses a button on his laptop. The background behind the stage shows a techno tunnel as EDM music plays. Kids run up and start dancing.]

SpongeBob:
[covering his ears] Sorry, but the Goofy Scoopers are the only ice cream themed musical robot act [folds his arms] we'll ever love.[SpongeBob opens his eyes to see Patrick dancing to DJ 2 Sc00pz's music.

Patrick:
[rhythmic grunting]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, don't give in to its seductive [imitates a robot] womp-womps and wub-wubs. Please, Mr. Manager, you have to tell us where the Scoopers are! [a thought bubble appears, growing and changing with each location listed] Are they playing at a coffee house? Are they playing the Bikini Bottom Bowl? Or on a world tour?

Goofy Manager:
No! [waves the thought bubble away] Oh, my, no. [points behind him] I threw those old robots in the garbage. They're never playing anywhere again.

SpongeBob:
Patrick, it's Clem Clam!

Patrick:
[pounds his fists] Let's get him!

SpongeBob:
W-w-wait, Patrick. We're here to make friends with him, don't you remember?

Patrick:
Obviously, I do not.

SpongeBob:
[rubbing his chin] How are we gonna get him to play the show? [gets an idea] I got it! We'll appeal to his intellect with sound reasoning and convincing arguments!

[SpongeBob and Patrick grovel and beg in front of Clem, who is inflating balloons.]

SpongeBob:
[crying] Please!

Patrick:
[crying] We need you!

SpongeBob:
[crying] You gotta come back, you just gotta!

Clem:
[ties balloon] You can cool it, cats. Whatever your scheme is, I'm in. [gives balloon to SpongeBob] Just get me out of this crazy circus. I'm terrified of clowns, man.

[A circus tent opens, revealing a clown with a yellow eyes and an evil smile, as honking and evil laughter is heard. Clem shudders.]

SpongeBob:
Well, that's great, Mr. Clem Clam, because tomorrow night, [puts his hand around Patrick] we're getting the band back together. Reunion show tomorrow night at Goofy Goober's. So far, you're the only one we've found, though.

Clem:
You know, the circus's least flexible contortionist saw Bongos Bear [points right] at that massage place downtown, man.

Plankton:
[thunderclap] Sure! I can get rid of those nearwhal nimrods for ya. [chuckles] Their stupid family has being feuding with my stupid family for years!

Narlene:
Oh, I've seen it. Them Plankton sure know how to hold a grudge! [Her, Nobby, and Plankton agree]

Plankton:
Ah! [pulls up an old phone and spins the handle]

[The next scene shows Clem sleeping next to the phone ringing until he wakes up scared and answers the phone.]

Clem:
How do?

Plankton:
[terrified yelling] Nearwhals!

Plankton's cousins:
Nearwhals? Nearwhals? Nearwhals? Feud!

Plankton:
Voilà! Hm, huh?[Plankton's cousins come out of the phone and walk on him, SpongeBob, Narlene and Nobby hide behind a rock]

Plankton's cousins:
Get them nearwhals!

Nearwhal:
[dancing until he sees the plankton] Huh? [Plankton jumps and start biting them]

Ma Angler (Plankton):
Consagrn nearwhals! [plankton start biting the nearwhal] Give 'em the itch, plankton! [they start biting the nearwhals]

SpongeBob:
[The F.U.N. song starts playing on his headphones and splashes the windows with soap. He grabs the hose and it spins him around] Whoa, whoa! [Spraying the water to the soap in the letters] F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! [Sprays water inside him and he inflates to the third window and sprays out water to make an N] N is for anywhere and anytime at all! [point the hose up]

Plankton:
Eh? [the hose water splashes him and turns into a hand and slaps him.]

SpongeBob:
Down here in the deep blue sea!

Plankton:
[falls and tries to swim back up from the hose water but he falls into the sewer] Aah![Plankton comes out of a faucet and lands on Bubble Bass' toothbrush] Ooh!

Bubble Bass' mom:
Bubble Bass! Are you brushing your teeth?

Bubble Bass:
Yes, mother! Ugh.

Plankton:
[Smells Bubble Bass' breath and gags. Bubble Bass starts to brush his teeth] Oh, no.

Bubble Bass:
[While brushing his teeth, Plankton is grunting inside. He brushes his tongue, and his teeth and spits out. His teeth are then shiny.]

Plankton:
[falls down the drain until he ends up in a sewer] Yuck! This place is filthier than the bathroom in my own paternity house. Time to get outta here! [The sewer starts shaking] Aaah! Terrified, mind blank, possible wetting pants! Wait, I don't wear pants. Oh, lucky me! [an alligator appears behind him and Plankton whimpers until a group of chum scare it away] That's right, you better run! [looks behind him] Huh? [The C.H.U.M.S appear] Terror double ! Please, I'll do whatever you say! Just down hurt me! [Starts crying]

C.H.U.M. Leader:
[bows down] We would never hurt the master! [The other C.H.U.M.S. bow down along with the leader]

Plankton:
Wait, what now?

C.H.U.M. Leader:
We are praising you, the master creator! [They and the other C.H.U.M.S bow down]

SpongeBob:
Excuse me, Mr. Sofa. [He lifts the sofa and vacuums underneath the sofa] Huh, look at that, Gary, it's the present for Santa last Christmas. Isn't that nice? [SpongeBob is shocked that the present was accidentally left behind the sofa for seven months] The present I left for Santa last Christmas!?

SpongeBob:
He never got it. Oh, this is the worst disaster that has ever happened.

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
My present for Santa's 212 days late! [SpongeBob begins to cry] Late. It's a tragedy. [SpongeBob uses the ribbon of the gift to blow his nose while Gary reacts to the blue snot.]

SpongeBob:
My joyful carefree world is both dark and dreary and I can't go on! Nope, I'll go on... But I can't go on!

[SpongeBob cries]

Patrick:
Woohoohoo!

SpongeBob:
Huh?

Patrick:
[Whistles] Woohoo! Five stars!

SpongeBob:
[Sniffing rose] Patrick, I wasn't acting, Santa never got his Christmas present.

Patrick:
Well, so why not just deliver it to him?

SpongeBob:
[with a tiny face] Hi Santa!

Santa Claus Look-Alike:
Did you know that I'm your biggest fan?

SpongeBob:
Ah, that's very sweet of you, Santa, but actually Patchy the Pirate is my biggest fan.

Santa Claus Look-Alike:
Ho ho ho! [He actually reveals himself to be an animated Patchy the Pirate.]

Patchy:
Ahoy, SpongeBob and Patrick! It's me, Patchy the Pirate! [SpongeBob and Patrick are shocked that their heads explode, ending the first segment.]

Plankton:
Come on Krabs, there's gotta be some use of this stuff we can agree on![has an idea] Let's sell it to the military! Imagine... [imagines a thought bubble] fuel for flame throwers, lubricant for killer robots, bombs that smell like french fries! [chuckles]

Mr. Krabs:
We'll use it to boost business at the Krusty Krab [imagines a thought bubble]: A flavorful new sandwich topping, a savory new milkshake, and a lovely new scent for the restrooms!

Plankton:
[blows the thought bubble with a flamethrower] Oh no! We're not using my grease to drive customers to your restaurant! [Mr. Krabs starts growling at him] Why I outta!

Mr. Krabs:
Why, you! [they start fighting]

SpongeBob:
[takes and pours grease user a saucer into a bucket] Oh, gosh! I don't see why you need to find just one use for this stuff. I started using it for everything!

Mr. Krabs and Plankton:
[they stop fighting]

Mr. Krabs:
Huh?

Plankton:
Wha?

SpongeBob:
[A montage of him] Toothpaste, body wash, deodorant, shoe polish, all night face mask. Gary's breakfast, my own breakfast. It even cured my bursitis! What I mean is, if you can use it for anything, why not sell it for everything? [Mr. Krabs and Plankton's eyes turn into money signs]

Mr. Krabs:
[reading along with his finger] Dr. Krabton's Miracle Everything Juice. Not bad.

SpongeBob:
Oh, Mrs. Puff! It's been so long. [hugs the potato] Did you miss me?

Mrs. Puff:
[via pager] Oh yes, SpongeBob. I missed you so much. It's so good to see you. From here.

SpongeBob:
Ooh, did you get a new hat? It really brings out all your eyes. [A closeup of the potato eyes. SpongeBob laughs.] Feels right to me! [laughs]

SpongeBob:
[sees the mashed potatoes with Mrs. Puff's hat and wig on it covered in gravy and gasps in terror] Mrs. Puff, you've been mashed! [starts crying; he rips out his eyes and uses them to blow his nose, he puts them back in and lies on the ground as his eyes turn into geysers of blue tears as he continues to cry]

Mrs. Puff:
[walks up to crying SpongeBob, puts on her hat with wig] Ahem.

SpongeBob:
[stops crying] Huh? She's alive! [hugs Mrs. Puff]

Bubble Bass:
[Walking to SpongeBob's house with ectoplasm all over him. He wipes it off and bangs on the door.] ScumBob! Puketrick! You blithering fools better hand over Pigulon, or I'll chug, and I'll glug, and I'll belch your house down! [Growls.]

Patrick:
[As Pigulon, through SpongeBob's house] Nobody's home!

Bubble Bass:
Hm? [Growls while steams mad. Takes out a bottle of Fizz Bomb Cola.] Time for some Fizz Bomb burp fuel. [Drinks it, his stomach boils. Burps down SpongeBob's house. Gary falls on SpongeBob, and they run to Patrick's rock.] I said hand over Pigulon, or I'll chug, and I'll glug, and I'll belch your house down... again!

Patrick:
[His lips are through the rock.] Good luck. I built this rock entirely out of rock. [Blows raspberry]

Bubble Bass:
[Growls, then pulls out another bottle of Fizz Bomb Cola and a bottle of hot sauce] Let's turn up the heat. [Drinks both of it, and his stomach boils. Burps down Patrick's rock.]

Patrick:
They just don't make rocks the way they used to.

Squidward:
Fellow sponge sufferers, the 431st "We Hate SpongeBob" club will now come to order. [bangs the gavel] And now, our motto.

Plankton, Bubble Bass, Mailman, Mrs. Puff, and Squidward:
[raising one hand] We don't mean SpongeBob any harm. We just can't stand him.

Squidward:
Does anyone have any new sponge pain they would like to share? [The members stick their hands out, all talking over each other.]

Mrs. Puff:
How much time do you have?

Plankton:
I do!

Bubble Bass:
Oh, yes. I do.

Mailman:
I have to unwrap my package of pain!

[Suddenly, SpongeBob is heard laughing.]

Squidward:
Huh? [the members retract their hands as Squidward motions for them to stop] Hold that agony. [looks to his right to see SpongeBob at the window]

SpongeBob:
Hello, Squidward!

Squidward:
[grunts, pulls the window blinds down, then faces the group] Proceed.

Incidental 211:
[Walks up to SpongeBob and Squidward and blows a raspberry] Hey! [Blows a raspberry] You're those weirdos that have been [blows a raspberry] chasing me around town. [blows a raspberry.]

Squidward:
Why were you waving at us and then running away?

Incidental 211:
Huh? [blows a raspberry] I can't [blows a raspberry] understand your accent. [blows a raspberry]

SpongeBob:
I'll handle this, Squidward. I speak fluid Rock Bottom-ish. Why [blows a raspberry] were you [blows a raspberry] waving at us? [blows a raspberry]

Incidental 211:
I wasn't [blows a raspberry] waving at you. [blows a raspberry] I was [blows a raspberry] drying out my armpits. [SpongeBob holds up a fresh Krabby Patty to him and he gasps. He smells it and becomes surprised.]

SpongeBob:
We just wanted to [blows a raspberry] sell you a hot [blows a raspberry] delicious Krabby Patty. [blows a raspberry]

Incidental 211:
It does look [blows a raspberry] tasty.

SpongeBob and Squidward:
We're gonna sell a patty. [both blow raspberries. A large bus drives in and knocks away their food truck.] Huh? [Several Rock Bottomites walk off the bus while blowing raspberries. They go into the Rock Bottom cemetery, jump into coffins, and close them. Several clowns also walk off the bus and enter the circus while blowing raspberries. They walk into a small clown car which then drives away.]

Incidental 222:
[walks off the bus] Hey, Bert. [blows a raspberry] Too bad you couldn't [blows a raspberry] come with us on our yearly trip to the [blows a raspberry] Krusty Krab, [blows a raspberry] but here's your Krabby Patty. [He blows a raspberry and hands a Krabby Patty to Incidental 211]

Incidental 211:
Thanks, Frank. [blows a raspberry] But you know how long these pits take to dry. [blows a raspberry] Sorry, fellas. [blows a raspberry] I'd love to buy a patty from ya, but I already have a whole bag. [He eats the patty. SpongeBob and Squidward groan and melt.]

[Downtown, a big building is seen. Pearl and Narlene look up at it And Pearl follows, but stops once she notices the automatic glass door.]

Narlene:
Huh? Ooh! [She sticks her foot out and opens the door. She pulls it back, and the door closes. She does this repeatedly, crushing a customer between the doors.] These here automatic doors sure is frilly, but we hillfolk do things a little more polite-like. [She rips off one of the doors.] Right this way, sir! [A crushed customer groans "thank you" and crawls inside, and Lady Upturn is standing besides Narlene, watching the customer crawl. She turns to Narlene.]

Lady Upturn:
Excuuuuse me? What do you think you're doing?

Narlene:
Uh, holdin' the door? Here, you try! [She drops the door on Lady Upturn, crushing her. Pearl walks in.]

Pearl:
[concerned] Narlene, that's Lady Upturn! [She flips the door and helps Lady Upturn get up, then laughs nervously.] I'm so sorry. She's new in town. [takes out her diamond card] But we'll be good shoppers, I swear! [Lady Upturn inspects the card with a diamond-studded magnifier.]

Lady Upturn:
Hmm, yes. Carry on, [patting their heads] my little consumers. [grabs their shirts] But here at Upturn's, we take shopping seriously.

Narlene and Pearl:
[nodding] Okay. [They sprint off.]

[Pearl and Narlene go to Upturn'd Nose, a perfume department.]

Lady Upturn:
You, young ladies, do not belong here. Especially [points to Narlene] her.

Narlene:
[confused] Uh?

Pearl:
So what if my friend doesn't do things the way city people do? At least she's not a stuck-up snob like [points] you!

Lady Upturn:
[offended] Oh!

Pearl:
Besides, we cetacean sisters always stick together! [She squeezes Narlene, causing her to stick out her tongue, which has a wad of gum on it. She smiles at Narlene.]

Narlene:
[happy] Ah!

Everyone inside:
Eat him! Eat him!

SpongeBob:
[gets an idea] Ooh, I know! I'll try the soothing power of music... [gets out a ukulele with "Love" and a heart symbol written on it and starts playing a tune] Ohhh... [The ukulele strings break off as he uses the pick on a first try] Awww, rats! [The usage of "Awww" triggers the robot and causes him to eat SpongeBob, who falls inside and screams until he lands on his face. He gets his face up off the ground and looks around in confusion. Everyone is cheering upon his arrival]

Mr. Krabs:
Yeah, yeah, good boy!

SpongeBob:
A surprise party... for me?!

Plankton:
[gets off from underneath SpongeBob and grunts] This isn't a party, you boob.

SpongeBob:
Well why did everyone cheer when I showed up?!

Mr. Krabs:
Because with you, we can finally reach the emergency escape uvular! [Mr. Krabs points up to the uvular] Alright, let's try it again, people! [Everyone piles up again]

Fish:
He can do it! He can do it!

[SpongeBob climbs up and stands on Patrick's back to grab the uvular. As he attempts to grab it, his arms are too short. Suddenly, a shaking sound is heard, implying something big. The height of the pile towers up, and SpongeBob tries again. He finally succeeds in grabbing the uvular and causes the robot to spin around and malfunction. A circular opening in the robot's butt is shown with everyone squished up inside. Everyone inside is freed and released into the sky as fireworks as Q.T.-π collapses. The fish from before are launched back onto the rollercoaster and cheer. Everyone else falls back onto the ground, while Squidward falls into the ice cream cart]

Mr. Krabs:
We did it! We escaped!

Plankton:
[shown between Mr. Krabs' butt cheeks] And I got us sent to Glove World! for free. You're wel-come!

Patrick:
Ooh! My new rock is finally here![Patrick slides down from his rock and runs over to open it. Patrick rips off the wrapping paper whole and the package is revealed to be a pink rock with green polka dots on it with a bronze arrow-shaped weather vane on top, then puts his hands on his hips while looking suspicious] Hold on! [Patrick jumps up onto the rock and puts his glasses on] Polka dots?! I ordered plaid! [Patrick takes his glasses off and throws them away.] You'll have to take it back, Mr. Mailman.

Mailman:
[still struggling to hold up the rock] Ugh! Back? [The rock crushes the mailman and letters come flying out. Patrick lifts up the rock and the mailman is flattened into the ground with black eyes.]

Patrick:
Mr. Mailman?

Mailman:
My back! [Patrick picks up the mailman and puts his hat to his mouth and blows into it like a balloon. The mailman is back to normal and Patrick puts him back down feet first on the ground and the mailman is groaning in pain]

Patrick:
[while adjusting the mailman's hat] You okay, buddy?

Incidental 154:
Gotta... deliver... mail.

Patrick:
You are in no shape to deliver anything, fella. Just relax and [throws the mailman to Patrick's rock] crash at my place. I'll deliver your mail for you today.

Plankton:
[walks into the E.V.I.L. lair] Hello? [laughs] I'm here to join the forces of E.V.I.L.![Plankton walks into the audition room, and Dennis appears handing him a clipboard.]

Dennis:
Dude.

Plankton:
Huh, wha-?

Dennis:
Sign in and wait your turn.

Villain:
Red leather, yellow leather.

Thief:
Get out of the car, fellas!

Sticky Fins Whiting:
Take all your money and put it in the bag!

Dr. Negative:
No, Mr. Bob. I expect you to fry. [cackles]

Madame Hagfish:
When the full moon rises...

[Earworm is seen speaking lines]

Tattletale Strangler:
I am the Strangler! [clears his throat] I'm the Strangler.

[Robot Mantis is seen growling]

Prawn:
What is this yellow thing? Some kind of mold?

[DoodleBob is seen babbling]

Dorsal Dan:
To be or--line!

Gordon:
[throws his paper and uses a mallet to smash a watermelon] Ha.

Clerk:
Okay everybody, say "I love my family."

Squidward:
[as Patrick continues crying] I'd rather not.

Clerk:
[aggressively] Say it!

SpongeBob and Squidward:
[elatedly and monotonously, respectively] I love my family. [As the picture is being taken, SpongeBob hugs Squidward, Squidward grunts, and Patrick cheers happily. The photo prints out to be live action versions of the trio. Bubble wipe to the next scene with passengers getting on the plane.]

Patrick:
[sits on Squidward] I think you're on my seat, pop.

[Squidward pulls himself out. SpongeBob zooms in, pushing Squidward to the middle seat.]

SpongeBob:
And I'll take the isle! [laughs]

Squidward:
Biting my begonias, eh? Not on my watch. [laughs]

Mailman:
[walks up to Squidward] Mailman! [Startled, Squidward turns around, screams and sprays Mailman's eyes. They become red and he screams as he hands Squidward some mail, promptly walking away.]

Squidward:
Oh, a letter. Uh, thank you. [Squidward takes a closer look at the letter, seeing the name Nosferatu written on it.] Nosferatu!? [thunder roars] Huh, what? [sighs] I got his mail by mistake, again! [grumbles as he walks toward his trash can] I'll just file that in here! [Squidward opens the trash lid, revealing SpongeBob inside. Squidward shoves the letter in SpongeBob's mouth, closes the lid, and walks away laughing.] Huh!? [Squidward turns around and opens the lid again, with SpongeBob inside. He speaks, but his mouth is full.] SpongeBob?[SpongeBob talks more with his mouth full, until Squidward pulls the letter out of his mouth.] What are you doing in my garbage?[SpongeBob lifts up Squidward's nose and puts a bucket on it. He gets on Squidward's shoulders and puts a mop in the bucket, before taking it out and raising it in the air.]

SpongeBob:
Spring cleaning! But Squidward, [bucket falls off of Squidward's nose] for shame. You can't just throw out [throws a mop in the air] the mail of Nosferatu! [thunder roars]

Innkeeper:
[stopping in front of them] Don't go to the castle! Don't go to the castle! Don't go-- [gets run over by a skeleton horse pulling a carriage, Creepy coachman pats carriage, opening stairs which crush the inkeeper]

Squidward:
Ah! Well, a coach to the castle. How elegant. [walks forward, then SpongeBob follows] Step lively, SpongeBob.[Squidward enters the carriage, and SpongeBob puts the mail bag in the back. SpongeBob enters as well, and the steps are lifted. SpongeBob looks at the innkeeper.]

Innkeeper:
[lifting head up, injured] The castle!

SpongeBob:
Aw. [holds Krabby Patty] Looks like someone could use a Krabby Patty. [feeds innkeeper patty, moving his mouth to chew it Innkeeper weakly gives thumbs up The carriage moves onward to Nosferatu's castle. SpongeBob and Squidward move from side to side in the carriage, bumping into the walls, as it moves across the sharp corners. They then go around some curves, making SpongeBob and Squidward move in the carriage again.]

SpongeBob:
[spinning in air] Whoo! Whoo! [SpongeBob and Squidward's body parts move all over the place in the carriage like pinballs as it continues moving forward. They finally arrive at the castle, and Squidward falls out of the carriage in pieces.]

Squidward:
[standing up] We're taking the bus on the way home! [inhales and sucks his nose back in, SpongeBob tosses the mail bag directly onto Squidward, which floats in place] Huh? Hmm. [SpongeBob gets off the carriage, and the creepy coachman hisses at them as he leaves. The carriage turns into a bat and flies away. The mail bag crushes SpongeBob and Squidward, to which Squidward gets out from it and knocks on the door with the door decoration.] Hello, Nosferatu? [lightning crashes, looks around] Hmm. [walks away] Well, looks like nobody's home. [door opens] Of course. [Squidward peeks inside to reveal the interior of Nosferatu's castle, which causes some jellyfish bats to fly away.] Hello? [hesitantly walks inside] We're just here to drop off your mail.

SpongeBob:
[almost falling on Squidward] Whoa! [Squidward shoves him]

Squidward:
[lightning crashes, causing him to scream and grab onto the mail bag] What's happening?

Slappy:
I am sorry master. [kisses Nosferatu's hand] It won't happen again. [continues kissing Nosferatu's hand]

Squidward:
[disgusted] Ew. We'll let ourselves out.

SpongeBob:
[being dragged by Squidward, still with rearranged body parts] Aw, I don't want to leave. Boo!

Squidwward:
[lightning crashes] Ah!

Slappy:
[closing door with face] Oh, you can't leave due to inclement weather.

SpongeBob:
We can't leave yet. Yay!

Slappy:
[pops out of platter] Oh, I can help you decide. [laughs, opening platters] We have roasted werewolf teeth, pickled demon beards, fried mummy fingers, and [head opens to reveal his brain] brains tartare. [Squidward gags and throws up off-screen]

SpongeBob:
Ooh, don't mind if I do-- [reaches for Slappy's head as it closes] oh. [laughs]

Slappy:
Or, maybe you would like something sinfully succulent. [opens platter to reveal a Carpathian cheese ball]

Squidward:
Ooh, a Carpathian cheese ball. [tries to dip cookie into the cheese ball, which turns into several spiders]

Slappy:
Uh, eh. Whoopsie! That's my dinner. [holds eating utensils, runs after spiders off-screen] Come to daddy!

SpongeBob:
Ooh.[Squidward breaks cookie, winces] [waving mummy finger] Oh, you've got to try these mummy fingers, Squidward. [takes bite out of mummy finger] So delicious. Nosferatu, you simply must give me the recipe.

Squidward:
[yelling] Will you go night night time already?

SpongeBob:
[noticing Nosferatu] Nosferatu? [lights flicker]

Squidward:
Why are you sticking out of the wall like that?

[SpongeBob and Squidward run out of the room, and Nosferatu bites into a pillow, then spits it out.]

Squidward:
[running with SpongeBob] I can't believe Nosferatu tried to bite me! He's a real life v-v-vampire!

SpongeBob:
He's gonna suck our blood! [sobs]

Squidward:
There's got to be a way out of this castle!

Slappy:
[slithering in front of them] I can show you a way out. [laughs while holding battle ax, SpongeBob and Squidward wear gas masks as Squidward shoots sleepy gas onto Slappy. suddenly tired] Slappy sleepy. [falls to ground]

Squidward:
[tosses gas equipment] Let's try these doors. [opens door to reveal scary monsters on the other side, SpongeBob and Squidward scream and run away, Squidward opens another door to reveal a skull with flaming eyes. They both scream. Squidward opens another door to reveal some live-action sushi and both scream. They begin running on a conveyor belt and look behind them to see a mutant gorilla running after them.]

SpongeBob and Squidward:
Gorilla monster! [scream]

Squidward:
Quick, [points] down the laundry chute! [They both dive into the laundry chute. The gorilla falls on its face and crashes off-screen.]

SpongeBob:
[he and Squidward slide down a slide] Whoa! [both end up in a laundry basket wearing vampire outfits, and scream at each other]

Squidward:
[pointing to coffin] It's a vampire's coffin! [holds onto SpongeBob and whimpers, Five coffins rise from underneath the sand and start dancing around SpongeBob and Squidward. The coffins spin around and vampire fish come out of them.]

Vampire fish:
Nosferatu two-step! [close their coffins and enter the sand again]

[The episode begins with the sun nearly rising in Bikini Bottom, and then a shot of Nosferatu's castle is shown. Inside, Nosferatu and Slappy are sleeping. Just then, an alarm clock switches from day to night and howls, prompting Slappy to break it with a mallet and climb out of a cupboard he was in. His headless body in pajamas walks in to four identical Slappy heads.]

Slappy heads:
Pick me! Pick me! Pick me![Slappy picks the third one, puts it on his body, and continues on with his night, as the rest of the heads sigh in disappointment. Slappy proceeds to the bathroom, stretching. There, a sea spider sitting on top of the bath sprays him with its acid, reducing Slappy's head to his skull.]

Slappy:
Oh, Esmerelda, good evening.[Slappy removes his pajamas and enters the bath, as Esmerelda ties him with her web. Slappy then emerges from the web dressed up, exiting the bathroom and heading towards Nosferatu's coffin, holding a plate with blood in a glass and eggs, then knocks on the coffin] Wakey-wakes, Master. The first blood of the day is the most important. [no one answers] Huh? Master?[Slappy opens the coffin and gasps upon finding Nosferatu with a runny nose, sneezing and turning into a bat as he does so.]

Slappy:
Oh no! You got a stuffy Nose-feratu! [rimshot, then Nosferatu sneezes and turns back into himself again, but sneezes a second time and turns back into a bat. Just as he's about to sneeze a third time, Slappy puts him in the cage] We have to get you to Dr. Calimari right away. [exits the castle on a bicycle and drives into a deformed black-and-white building as Nosferatu continues sneezing]

Dr. Calimari:
Next patient?

Slappy:
Salutations, Dr. Calimari. The Master has a case of the Transylvanian sniff-sniffs. Can you help?[Nosferatu screeches at Dr. Calimari.]

Dr. Calimari:
Thanks you for bringing him in, Slappy. I'll steam those allergies right out of his schnoz.

SquidBot:
Finally, someone whose company I actually enjoy... [pulls his clone's head out of the box] Me! [both of them laugh]

SpongeBot:
[startles SquidBot] Time for work, SquidBot! [his hat turns into a siren while SquidBot struggles to catch his clone's head] Time for work, SquidBot! Time for work, SquidBot! Time for work, SquidBot!

SquidBot:
Power down and leave me alone, SpongeBot! I've still got fifteen minutes.

SpongeBot:
Oh... Sorry, SquidBot! Sorry, SquidBot! Sorry, SquidBot!

SquidBot:
[pushes him away] Go away! [screws his clone's head on his body]

SquidBot clone:
I am going to have to live next to that? [opens his stomach to reveal a self-destruct button, which he promptly presses and explodes on the spot, as SquidBot groans in disappointment]

Old Klopnodian man:
Greetings, stranger. [The man's sudden appearance freaks out Mr. Krabs, making him scream.] Welcome to my emporium of wonders. Can I interest you in a traditional Klopnodian Spladunker? [he pulls out an anvil covered in pink fur as a chicken is heard clucking] Or perhaps a lightly used Flooda? [he pulls out a sweater made out of sausages as a cow is heard mooing]

Mr. Krabs:
No thanks, old timer. I just want me quarter. It seems to have hopped into your payphone here.

Old Klopnodian man:
Oh, I see. Well, I have no power to retrieve your coin, but I can let you have the payphone. For the low, low price of... free.

Mr. Krabs:
Free!? I'll take it!

Old Klopnodian man:
But be warned, that payphone comes with a curse! [thunder roars and a woman screams]

Mr. Krabs:
Really? How much does the curse cost?

Old Klopnodian man:
What? No, the curse is free. It comes with the phone.

Mr. Krabs:
Well, then, I'll take the curse too! [he picks up the payphone and leaves as he laughs]

Old Klopnodian man:
Heed my Kapritzka! Beware the call of the porch! Beware it! Ah, forget it.

Painty:
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?

[SpongeBob opens the door, still in his underwear.]

Kids:
GrandPat Sea Star!

[GrandPat crushes SpongeBob and Hans gives him SpongeBob's pants.]

GrandPat:
Huh? [falls into a bathtub] Woah!

Painty:
Absorbent and yellow and porous is he.

[GrandPat's skin falls off and his bones disintegrate in the bathtub.]

Kids:
GrandPat Sea Star!

Painty:
If nautical nonsense be something you wish.

[Four GrandPats groan as they pull four banners that spell out "GrandPat Sea Star."]

Kids:
GrandPat Sea Star!

Realistic Fish Head:
Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!

Kids:
GrandPat Sea Star!

Painty:
Ready?

Kids and Painty:
GrandPat Sea Star! GrandPat Sea Star! GrandPat Sea Star! [GrandPat mumbles as his body contorts until he's back to his sea star shape. He falls, screaming, onto some letters spelling out his name. His pants fall off and hop across the letters. His scooter then falls from above and pushes him down.]

Painty:
GrandPat... Sea Star! [laughs]

[We cut to the SpongeBob SquarePants logo as shown in the regular theme song, but the text is changed to Grandpat's own name, and it appewrs alongside a drawn GrandPat. GrandPat pulls out his dentures and they chatter the ending notes of the SpongeBob theme song. His dentures then bite his head.]

GrandPat:
Ah... It's good to be back home, where it's normal.

Patrick:
[offscreen] Hey, GrandPat. [pan to reveal GrandPat's entire family have wings and eyes similar to flies] Whatcha watching?

GrandPat:
[screams, but then relaxes] Eh, close enough.

French Narrator:
And so, we leave things a little bit weird. But that's how we like it here, in The Tidal Zone. [his arm comes through the TV screen and turns it off] Au revoir.

GrandPat:
Hey! I was watching that!

Squidward:
End of another 18-hour shift of misery.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, ahoy there! [closes the doors of the Krusty Krab and walks over to SpongeBob and Squidward] And what do you two have planned for this weekend?

SpongeBob:
I'm polishing Gary's shell! [SpongeBob's face turns into a polisher and he uses it on Squidward]

Squidward:
Well I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance! [dances as red, blue, and yellow lights flash quickly behind him]

Mr. Krabs:
[narrows eyes] Uh, well, that's uh, fascinating...

Squidward:
All right, now bend it into a boat shape. [both bend plank into arch, brushes plank before it launches him into the air] D'oh! [lands in the distance, Bubble transition to SpongeBob tickling a plank.]

SpongeBob:
Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Squidward:
SpongeBob, wood planks are not-- [Wood plank grows a face and laughs, forms an arch] Ticklish. [gets hit with plank, lands in the distance, and gets crushed by an anchor]

Mr. Krabs:
Hmm, a little off the beam. Hmm... Hmm, [holds two white paint buckets] I know! All she needs is a nice, shiny coat of paint. [tosses white paint onto the ship, turning it into a proper ship] [looking at sign on ship that says "S.S. SEA-SCRET FORMULA"] The S.S. Sea-cret Formula is ready to set sail... [pointing] as soon as you two drag her into the lagoon. [Mr. Krabs stands on the front of the ship as SpongeBob and Squidward use strings to pull the ship across the beach, where the beachgoers are watching them.] Mush!

SpongeBob and Squidward:
[seeing giant shadow above] Huh?[They all get washed over by a giant wave, which miraculously sets the ship afloat. Mr. Krabs uses a hook to pull Squidward onto the ship, who gasps like a fish.]

Squidward:
[sitting in lounge chair] Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.

Squidward:
[giving Patrick his tray] Your order.

Patrick:
At ease, sailor. [puts on snorkel and drinks through it as he walks off]

SpongeBob:
[sees Bubble Bass playing in the ocean, who laughs] Huh? [points ahead] Butt-berg, dead ahead!

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps] Huh? [grabs onto steering wheel] Everyone, hold fast!

SpongeBob:
[climbing onto mast] Whoa! [screams and rings bell, Squidward raises his sunglasses and looks at SpongeBob. The ship's horn blows as Bubble Bass notices it approaching him.]

Bubble Bass:
Great Neptune's nose hair! [Mr. Krabs screams, bumps into steering wheel, SpongeBob screams while ringing bell, causing the ship to tilt forwards and make Squidward bump into the register, Bubble Bass' butt scrapes the side of the ship, peeling off its exterior. Bubble Bass then stops and looks at the damage.] Hmm... [The ship begins to sink, and Squidward plays "Taps" on his clarinet.] [waving dollar] One double Krabby Patty, please. [Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar bills as he fully sinks. SpongeBob gives Bubble Bass his patty, who eats it and paddles away. Squidward finally fully sinks into the ocean. The scene fades to an open shot of the lagoon at sunset, as a woman shuts the door to a tiki booth and walks off. The scene fades to near the Goo Lagoon sign, where the screen darkens as the sun sets. Bubbles form on the surface of the lagoon, and the ship emerges, which is being held by the wise kraken.]

Wise kraken:
[roars, goes back to normal] Give me all the Krabby Patties you got, kid. Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat at the Chum Bucket and like it. Boy, I'll tell you-- [camera irises out on ship, SpongeBob gags, Squidward sighs] Oh, boy.

SpongeBob:
Order up! [carries a Krabby patty sandwich with six patties, six tomato slices, six lettuce leaves, and six cheese slices in between buns with his spatula] Or should I say, order down![giggles and serves the order to Wally's hand]

Wally:
[pops up inside the cash register] Honey mustard? [Squidward shrieks. Both Wally and SpongeBob laugh as Squidward screams in fear and runs out of the Krusty Krab and then he sighs] I still hate that laugh. [the episode ends]

SpongeBob:
[throwing flowers around] Soon I will get a thrill cooking patties on my grill! [jumps to the door, but is blocked by a huge sign in front it, which he reads out loud] "The Krusty Krab is closed on account of urchins"? Oh, I must be in a nightmare!

Mr. Krabs:
[walks towards him, covered in urchins] It's no nightmare, SpongeBob. I'm closing me old girl up for a week to get rid of those prickly pests. Plus, I had a coupon for "Urchin-Be-Gone"!

SpongeBob:
What will become of me? What am I gonna do for a whole week?!

Sally:
You must be SpongeBob. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon! I'm the owner of this joint! That means you's work for me now!

SpongeBob:
My new boss! So nice to meet--

Sally:
Here's the grill! Here's the spatula! Now make with the grub!

SpongeBob:
Um, just out of curiosity, what happened to your last fry cook?

Sally:
That's our "Employee of the Month" wall! Your photo's gonna be next if you don't get to woik!

SpongeBob:
Don't worry SpongeBob, it'll be just like working at the Krusty Krab.

Dream SpongeBob:
Lalalala!

Dream Squidward:
Keep those patties coming, pal! I love you!

Sally:
Give me a brick covered with nails with extra motor oil! [SpongeBob ends up making a bagel] Huh? What is this garbage? I asked for a brick covered with nails.

SpongeBob:
Oh. I thought that was just diner lingo. Sorry! Covered with nails, extra motor oil, Salty Spitoon style!

Mrs. Puff:
[wearing a punk outfit] Whaddaya know? Whaddaya say, gang?

Customer:
It's Puff the Tuff!

Doorman:
P-P-P-P-Puff the Tuff!? [Mrs. Puff headbutts him and walks through the smoke cloud. She puffs up to get rid of the customers at the counter, and sits on a stool. Sally watches from behind the counter.]

Mrs. Puff:
Gimme a tall glass of broken glass in a dirty glass. [Sally serves it. Mrs. Puff bites the glass and chews it. SpongeBob is heard laughing.]

Mrs. Puff:
That laugh. No! It can't be him.

SpongeBob:
[holds up bomb with barbecue sauce] Who ordered the bomb-becue? [laughs]

Mrs. Puff:
[screams] SPONGEBOB!!!!!!! [runs away screaming, and squeezes through the door, as everyone watches, the Customers gasp]

SpongeBob:
[confused] Was that Mrs. Puff?

SpongeBob:
[singing] ♪ Ohhh...come one and come all to the Softy Spitoon! ♪

Softy Spitoon Customers:
♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

SpongeBob:
♪ Where all of our cupcakes come with a balloon ♪

Softy Spitoon Customers:
♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

SpongeBob:
♪ If you like head kisses and cuddly hugs ♪

Softy Spitoon Customers:
♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

Puppet eel:
♪ Then raise up your milk with "I Heart Mom" mugs!

Softy Spitoon Customers:
♪ Softy Spitoon! ♪

SpongeBob:
♪ Ready? ♪

SpongeBob and the Softy Spitoon Customers:
♪ Softy-♪

Customer #1:
Enough!

Sally:
Hey everybody, that guy is kidnapping our leader! [The customers continue to brawl, about to leave.]

[Meanwhile, after departing the Softy Spitoon, SpongeBob as a horse rides Mr. Krabs back to the Krusty Krab, not shown. The mob brawl chases them.]

SpongeBob and the Softy Spitoon Customers:
♪ Softy Spitoon, Softy Spitoon, Softy...Spitoon ♪

[The scene cuts to inside the Softy Spitoon grill and zooms in to a portrait of SpongeBob named Employee of Da Year with drawings of him.SpongeBob laughs as both the song and episode end.]

Karen:
[folding Plankton's underwear] Alright, Plankton, I managed to fit twelve changes of underwear in the suitcase. Will that be enough?

Plankton:
I'm gonna be gone for three days, Karen, so yeah, that should cover it. [laughs as Spot licks him] That's right, Spot. Daddy has to go to the Annual Doomsday Device Expo in Shell City. He's gonna find you an ultimate evil. Yes he is.

Karen:
How did you figure that out?

SpongeBob:
[lets go of Spot, who bounces] This happens all the time when he plays with Gary. [Spot barks, then Gary splats him with his eye stalks. This repeats.]

Karen:
Oh, I admit, looking after Spot while Plankton is gone is proving trickier than I thought. [Spot hops on some tables, sucks up an entire food plate, and chews on a ketchup bottle, making him squirt ketchup all over the place while flying in the air.]

SpongeBob:
[shrugging] Maybe he needs to burn off some energy?

Plankton:
Oh, it's over. I'm coming home early.

Karen:
[on phone] You're what?

Plankton:
But I bought the most evil world-conquering device I could find. [holds a sphere with runes on it, and souls escape from it] Anyway, [puts away device] how's my little Spot? Put him on the phone. I miss his voice. [The scene cuts back to Karen, where she is stopped at a crosswalk as Spot moves past her.]

Karen:
Put Spot on the phone?

SpongeBob:
Whoa!

Karen:
This phone?

SpongeBob:
[whimpers] Ooh. [lassos telephone straight onto Spot, crushing him, Spot is on phone, barking]

Plankton:
[cutting back to him] There's my wittle man. Sounds like Mommy is taking good care of you.

Firefighter:
[holding onto tiny suitcase with tongs] Hey, some idiot left this tiny suitcase next to an open flame! [drops tongs and suitcase] Oh, no. [The building explodes, causing everyone to scream and leave.]

Plankton:
Uh, gotta go. [runs off]

[Plankton's taxi stops in front of the Chum Bucket as it's about to explode.]

Plankton:
[walking with doomsday device] I gotta be careful with you. [laughs] One wrong move and you'll blow the whole ocean sky-high. [laughs, notices Spot] Huh? [Spot barking happily]

Plankton:
Huh, the good times never last. [screams and runs away as the Chum Bucket and Spot crush him] Ouch! [Spot continues growing, catching the attention of others.]

Citizens:
Huh? [murmuring]

Plankton:
[escaping Spot] Karen! [SpongeBob, Karen, and Gary come out of spot] None of my sticky notes said to turn Spot into a behemoth!

Karen:
Well, this wouldn't have happened if [points to Plankton] you had trained him properly.

Plankton:
I'm a busy man. [waves finger at Karen] You should've been following my instructions.

Karen:
Excuse me? I am your computer wife, not your computer maid!

Spot:
[whimpering]

Karen:
[off-screen] I slave all day over a hot keyboard-- [An open shot of Earth is shown as Spot continues to grow larger.]

Plankton:
[off-screen] Oh, so everything is my fault! It's all ones and zeroes with you, honey. [being held by Karen] You probably made Spot bigger than me on purpose...

SpongeBob:
Ooh! [holds bone] Aha!

Plankton:
To make me feel small!

SpongeBob:
[calling] Spot?

Spot:
[notices bone] Ah!

Karen:
Your mouth is the biggest part of you-- [off-screen, Spot gets excited and licks his lips] Everything about you is small.

Plankton:
[off-screen, Spot tries to reach for the bone] My heart is big.

Karen:
My mother was right, I should not have settled.

SpongeBob:
Look!

Karen and Plankton:
[look at Spot, Karen's screen turns into a question mark] Huh? [Spot starts barking, pushing towards them]

Karen:
Spot! I think he's... dividing.

Plankton:
Aww, he doesn't like it when Mommy and Daddy fight. Come on, boy. Come to Papa. Come to Daddy.

Karen:
Come on, boy!

SpongeBob:
Come on.

Gary:
[meowing]

[Spot detatches from his body mass and falls down]

All:
Spot! [Spot lands on top of Plankton.]

Plankton:
[picks up Spot] Aww. [gets licked] Aww.

Karen:
[picking up Plankton and Spot] Oh, I can't stay mad at these [touches Plankton, screen turns into heart] cute little faces.

Plankton:
Well, I'm still a little mad. [Spot licks him, both laugh]

SpongeBob:
These pancakes are delicious, Sandy, but what do you call this sweet stuff?

Sandy:
That's maple syrup, It's kinda like jelly that comes from trees. [Patrick eats some pancakes before saying.]

Patrick:
Tree jelly? Gross.[camera widens to a jellyfish between Patrick and Squidward] I prefer mine on tap. [extracts jelly from the jellyfish's tentacle on his pancakes, The jellyfish then stings Squidward painfully and flies away.]

Sandy:
Welcome to Bikini Bottom's very first Arbor Day celebration.

Patrick:
Barbor day?

SpongeBob:
[comes out his hair and beard] Well, I can use a trim.

Mr. Krabs:
I think she said Harbor day, to celebrate old navy swabs like meself.

Sandy:
It’s ARRR-BOR day, It's a day to celebrate the joy of trees.

SpongeBob:
[walks upfront to Sandy] But Sandy, you've got the only tree in town.

[The episode opens with SpongeBob riding a unicycle.]

SpongeBob:
Hi, Patrick! I just has another great- [stops riding the unicycle] Wait a minute! [rides back to Patrick] Hey what's wrong? [Patrick is seen holding a mallet.]

Patrick:
I think I've grown on a nose. [camera flashes to a tooth shaped nose.] I don't want a nose!

SpongeBob:
Patrick, wait![Patrick whacks the mallet in his face causing the tooth to fall out]

[The episode opens with a wide shot of Avocondo Acres.]

French Narrator:
Ah, Avocondo Acres, Bikini Bottom's premier retirement community. This is where we find Harold and Margaret, the parents of the ocean's most exceptional multicellular organism, SpongeBob SquarePants.

Margaret:
[sniffs] Harold, do you smell that? It smells like something...rotting. [The avocado mush from the home lands on Harold.]

Harold:
It's begun! We better run! [Harold takes Margaret in his arms and they run out of their rotting avocado home.]

Elderly Fish:
I tell people to rub their homes with lemon juice and wrap it in plastic! But do they listen?

Margaret:
Oh, Harold, what will we do?

Harold:
Well, we'll just have to grow a new home. And in the meantime, we can stay with our son.

[Harold and Margaret drive off in their boat, while their avocado sits in a giant cup full of water. The scene transitions to SpongeBob's house.]

SpongeBob:
Take cover, Gary! Watch this! I jump up and down, the soda bottles pop their corks, and send me dangerously around the room! I may not survive. [he laughs, then his phone rings] Hello? Hi Mom, hi Dad! Your house? Oh no! Stay with me? Why of course you can! Guess what, Gary? Mom and Dad are coming over to stay at our place for the very first time! [gary meows] I just thought of something. My parents haven't seen me in a while. They'll be expecting their son to be a little more, well, adult. Grown-up. Mature. And look at me! [A close-up of SpongeBob is seen with a bandage on his forehead and his helmet is squished on the side] And look at this place! It's a filthy mess!

"[The room is shining, and the scene transitions to SpongeBob cleaning his wall. Patrick appears where SpongeBob has cleaned.]"

Patrick:
Peek-a-boo!

French Narrator:
Clean! "[transitions to SpongeBob vacuuming.]"

[SpongeBob vacuums up the floor, revealing Patrick again under the floor.]

Patrick:
I see you!

French Narrator:
So clean! [transitions to SpongeBob cleaning his toilet]

[SpongeBob pulls Patrick out of the toilet]

Patrick:
We've gotta stop meeting like this.

Patrick:
"[appears behind SpongeBob]" You almost done?

SpongeBob:
Where have you two been? It is 8 o'clock at night. I was worried sick.

Margaret:
We were just having a little fun. [Harold puts his hat back on.]

SpongeBob:
You're both acting like children. [takes hat off and stands up, crosses arms]

Harold:
[points] And you're acting like a square!

SpongeBob:
[gasps] I [face morphs to be square] am square, and I've already committed to acting mature, whether you like it or not.

Margaret:
Okay, Mr. Mature, it's time for you to have some fun, whether you like it or not!

Harold:
It's Bikini Bottom after dark, baby! [pauses] It's gonna be wild. [record scratching, gestures at camera] Woot, woot!

Margaret:
Yahoo! Masked luchador wrestling!

SpongeBob:
[blows raspberry] How juvenile. [SpongeBob sits in the stands, between his parents.] Well, I guess this is all right. It shouldn't be too wild, just sitting here, watching.

Harold:
[gives him the peanut bag] Uh, we're not here to watch.

Margaret:
[stands up] We're here to wrestle.

Wrestling Announcer:
It's tag team time! [buzzer sounds] Los Diablos vs. Madre y Padre! [Harold and Margaret put on wrestling uniforms and jump into the ring. SpongeBob is worried.]

SpongeBob:
Mommy, Daddy, no!

[The opening bell rings, and wrestlers pound their fists together. Margaret does stretches. Harold runs in place, winds up a punch, and runs. The wrestler bounces him into the ground. Margaret tags him and gets tripped by another wrestler. She bounces off the ropes and into Harold. One Diablo grab Harold and play him like an accordion, and the other spins Margaret around and smashes her into the floor. SpongeBob tries to eat peanuts but reaches his hand through the bag and chews on his hand. One Diablo kicks Harold into the air and another bounces Margaret into the ropes. SpongeBob chews the bag and rocks back and forth in his seat. Los Diablos run into each other and smash Harold and Margaret together.]

SpongeBob:
Mom, Dad! I'm coming! [puts the bag over his head and jumps into the ring, only to see everything empty] Uh, Mom? Dad? [Harold and Margaret are in the stands, cheering him on.]

Harold:
'Atta boy, SpongeBob!

Margaret:
We're rooting for you, kiddo!

Wrestling Announcer:
For our next bout, it's El Muerte vs. Señor Peanuts Bag!

SpongeBob:
Oh, wait, what?

[Pounding footsteps are heard. A wrestler in a skeleton outfit roars and pounds the ground, then runs forward.]

SpongeBob:
[screams like a woman] Whoa![screams in regular and gets chased around] Mommy, Daddy!

[El Muerte stops and catches SpongeBob as he runs around, making him spin. El Muerte stomps on Patrick and bends his legs.]

SpongeBob:
No más! No más! [gets grabbed by Harold] Yay! Whoa!

Harold:
Now, wasn't that fun? [An injured SpongeBob walks off. Harold, Margaret, and SpongeBob drive away.]

Margaret:
Whoo-hoo! [El Muerte gets up and takes his helmet off, revealing him to be Patrick.]

Patrick:
[grunts] Where'd that peanut bag guy go? [stomach grumbles] I'm hungry. [A hot dog-themed wrestler approaches Patrick.]

Hot Dog Wrestler (Master Udon):
How 'bout a hot dog?

[Cut to the outside of a roller rink.]

SpongeBob:
[off-screen] I never even knew there was a 24-hour roller rink in Bikini Bottom. [as everyone skates inside, SpongeBob and his parents have roller skates on] Well, I guess skating slowly around and around a roller rink isn't so wild.

Margaret:
Rink? We're skating through town. [she and Harold jump away]

Harold:
Ha-ha!

Margaret:
Whoo! [A fish is sent flying from the impact.]

Harold:
Whoops, excuse me![Harold and Margaret skate out of the roller rink. SpongeBob follows them on skates.]

SpongeBob:
Hey! [Harold and Margaret skate past a garbage can, knocking it over, and scare an alley snail away.] Will you two please act your age? [In a hotel, the elevator opens and Harold and Margaret skate out. Margaret rings the bell. A doorman reaches for pay, but SpongeBob comes out and knocks him over.] Please stop![Lady Upturn and a rich man appear in the elevator and see the doorman knocked out. The rich man shuts the elevator again. Harold and Margaret skate in the hospital, pushing two senior citizens in wheelchairs.]

Harold and Margaret:
Whoo-hoo!

SpongeBob:
[riding on a hospitalized patient] Will you slow down? This is crazy![They go on a roller coaster at Glove World, through the ocean, and then he isexhausted] Please, I beg you... [As Squidward is still cleaning up the toilet paper, Harold and Margaret skate back home, laughing. SpongeBob follows them, panting heavily. Harold and Margaret land on the couch. SpongeBob struggles to stop his skates and faceplants.]

SpongeBob:
Oh, I just wanted to impress you two by showing you what a mature adult I've become. But no, you wanted wild. Okay, fine! [pulls pants up] You want wild? [screaming] I'll show you! [pulls off his skin to reveal his stuntman uniform] Wild!

[SpongeBob repeatedly bounces up and down. Gary goes next to Margaret, who pets him. SpongeBob launches the soda bottles and flies around, knocking over furniture and putting holes in the house. After a burst of smoke, the house is completely destroyed. The door falls off, showing Harold, Margaret, and Gary hiding behind the couch. Empty soda bottles fall from the sky. SpongeBob, asleep, gently falls down. Harold and Margaret catch him.]

Harold:
Aw, the boy's asleep, all tuckered out. [checks clock] Well, our new avocondo should be ripe right now. He'll have to stay with us until he can regrow his pineapple.

Margaret:
[carrying Gary, skating away with him] I wonder when he'll really grow up and be mature.

Harold:
Hopefully not too soon. Am I right, dear? [Patrick, still in his wrestling outfit, runs up with a hot dog.]

Patrick:
[panting] Señor Peanuts Bag! I want satisfaction! [pauses] Or peanuts... [iris out pauses on him] But rather peanuts. [iris out continues]

Mrs. Puff:
Hello, student drivers. I'm Mrs. Penelope Puff and, as per the court order, I will be your driving instructor in this educational film. By remembering these 138 simple rules of the road, every one of you will know all that you need to get your very own boating license.

SpongeBob:
[after crashing the boat into the brick wall] Even me?

Mrs. Puff:
Ugh.

Petunia:
Oh, you don't have to tell me who you are! [chuckles] You're Mr. Krabs - huh? And you run the Krusty Krab - huh? It's my favorite restaurant - huhhhhhh?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, nice to meet ya, Petunia? I just wanted to stop by and welcome ya to the neighborhood!

Petunia:
You stop by anytime - huh?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, thank ye! [chuckles and exits the Flower Pot] What a nice lady..

Funeral attendees:
Wow!

Old Man "Zombie" Jenkins:
[hops out of his grave and does the Charleston] Hoo-ray!

[Petunia enters the door where a wedding is occuring.]

Anchovy bride:
Awww. [looks down with nothing in her hands, then looks behind her] Huh?[Petunia grunts and tosses a bouquet, Anchovy bride waves at the florist, catches the flowers, laughs to herself, and runs off, Funeral attendees pop up while various "Meep!" noises are heard, Kids are seen picking their noses.]

Petunia:
Don't pick your nose! Pick a flower! [leaves a flower pot out for the kids.]

Kids:
Heh. Heyyyyy!

Petunia:
[takes away the KK's flowers, one by one] Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh?

Squidward:
Huh-m..Ohh-aaahhhh.... [looks love-smittenly at Petunia]

Petunia:
[enter's SpongeBob's workplace] Pardon me, huhhhhh?

SpongeBob:
Don't forget this! [holds it and points his spatula at a bomb]

Petunia:
[grabs away bomb] I'll just freshen these florets and bring them right back, huh-huh? [rips away flowers and runs to defuse them]

Mr. Krabs:
[quietly talks to Squidward] I wonder what's wrong with Petunia.

Squidward:
Huh? Nothing's wrong with her! She's a perfectionist, like me! [hops onto his cashier stand] I'm in love with her, and I can't keep it a secret any longer! [rips open his shirt and runs to the Flower Pot] Petunia! [quietly laughs]

Petunia:
[gasps as she runs to the pot] I've got exactly one minute to defuse these bombs-

Squidward:
[disrupts Petunia's escapades and is seen standing at the Pot] I picked this begonia from my own flower garden, huh? [blinks cutely]

Petunia:
Oooh, that's a nice one, but I can't right now Mr. Tentacles, please step aside! Mmmm.... [grunts as she holds the bomb]

Squidward:
[holds out the begonia ring] Petunia the florist, will you ma- [Petunia explodes in Squidward's face, leaving him charred and stunned] Huh-huh?! [The begonia ring disintegrates into dust.]

Plankton:
You loopy, lovesick lummox! You sabotaged my whole plan! [Squidward groans in embarrassment, walks off, and rubs out a pile of sand over himself to make it look like a grave. A new flower pops up while doing so.] Woah! [spits and hops out of Petunia] Uh-oh... [A crowd angrily surrounds Plankton.]

Mr. Krabs:
[growls] Not only did you play with Squidward's heart- [scene cuts to a sand-covered Squidward] but ya cost me twenty-four bouquets! I say we step on 'im!

Crowd:
Yeah! [subsequent angry noises]

Plankton:
Oopsy-daisy, huh?

SpongeBob:
[picks up Plankton with his shoe and cries happily] Petunia was very nice but I'm so glad you're back, Plankton.

Plankton:
Thanks, Sponge-Boob. You've given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for - just enough time to do this! [The Flower Pot transforms back into the Chum Bucket.]

Karen:
[grabs Plankton back into the Chum Bucket] Let's go, buttercup.

Plankton:
Toodle-loo! [evilly laughs] No more flowers! It's back to the secret formula to me! [laughs again, but a spiked shoe flies at him] My iris!

Crowd:
[throw out objects and make angry noises, although SpongeBob seems to avoid committing to any violence, Laser guns pop out of the Chum Bucket.]

Mr. Krabs:
Oh-no...

Crowd:
[lasers are shot in their direction] Ahhhhh!

Plankton:
I'm back, baby - huh?

Mr. Krabs:
[looks at watch] You two have ten hours. [SpongeBob keeps marching in the background] And since you're the artistic type, you get to design it.

Squidward:
[excited] Design? Okay! [skeptical] Wait, what's the budget?

Mr. Krabs:
Well, that's the best part! [pinches claws together] Zero budget! You get to be creative and use your imagerination.

SpongeBob:
[waves his broom over Squidward's head, creating a rainbow] Imagination! [rainbow falls on Squidward, turning him rainbow, and he shakes it off in frustration]

Mr. Krabs:
[laughs] Can't wait to see your masterpiece. [walks away] Have fun, you two. [laughs]

Perch:
Welcome to the annual Bikini Bottom Parade, and it's a beautiful ocean day for it. I'm Perch Perkins, coming to you live from downtown. And with me is this year's co-host, the one and only Ice Cream King. [the Ice Cream King is asleep, and flails wildly when Perch touches him] It's an honor to have you, Your Majesty. Do I call you King or Ice?

Ice Cream King:
[gasps] Hey, you're that guy! How'd you get out of my TV, [pinches Perch's cheek] you bad little boy? [squishes Perch's cheeks] Ooh, you're wearing makeup! [close-up of purple makeup on Perch's face] Are you a cloud? [shakes him] I want a balloon!

Perch:
Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, sure. We'll get you a balloon. [cheers and applause, Pearl and a marching band march past] And to kick off this year's parade here comes the Bikini Bottom High School marching band. You know, even when they're not playing, they love to march together. The band is actually made up of 35 individual bands. Amazing precision from these youngsters! [The band members make the shape of a flower cloud.]

Ice Cream King:
[gasps] They all wore the same outfit. How embarrassing. [The band members make the shape of a jellyfish.]

Perch:
Oh, a perfect jellyfish!

Ice Cream King:
That's a jellyfish? I was gonna say a clump of hair.

[A trumpet player splits into two and spins away.]

Perch:
Wait, did that kid just separate into two organisms via binary fission? [another one splits and spins away]

Ice Cream King:
I've been bicycle fishing. It really hurts. [the crowd cheers as the band members split into more jellyfish, then clear out a rectangular space]

Perch:
[laughs] Aren't those kids amazing? [horn honks, boats drive wildly onto the road as pedestrians run away] And what have we here? It's the kooky Nitwitting Club.[One member jumps out of his boat, dumps his brain out of a bucket, puts it on his head, and runs away. Another one spins on the brain and leaves a trail of drool. The Ice Cream King comes in with a boat on his head, makes engine noises, and rolls around.] Okay, the Ice Cream King has joined his fellow Nitwitters. Whoa, I've never seen anyone drive like that before! [crowd cheering]

[At the start of the parade, the Krusty Krab float is between Fred's leg float and a jellyfishing float with a robotic Kevin. Mr. Krabs is on top of the formula bottle and SpongeBob is at the deep fryers.]

Mr. Krabs:
Boy, after seeing this float, everyone will rush to the Krusty Krab! How ya set up with those [points down] expired fries, boy-o?

SpongeBob:
[takes out baskets] Good and greasy, boss! [puts baskets in grease]

Mr. Krabs:
Ready, Mr. Squidward?

Squidward:
[squished inside the patty] No, I'm not! I can't see a thing with SpongeBob in front of me!

Mr. Krabs:
Excellent! It's our turn. Let's move it out! [The float crashes through the "Parade Start" banner. Bubble transition to the float for Larry's Gym moving past. Two strong fish are lifting weights.]

Perch:
Next up we have the Beefy Bros from Larry's Gym. Whoa, look at those meatheads pump iron.[Larry lifts up the float and laughs] That's some impressive muscle hustle![An inflated Mrs. Puff floats down the street, being carried by kids in small boats.]

Perch:
And here comes Mrs. Puff. Oh, as her own balloon!

Ice Cream King:
Whoa, I want that balloon![Patrick's rock slides past, making a scraping sound.]

Perch:
Patrick's rock is one float that doesn't float.

Audience:
Aah! [covers their ears, Bubble Bass gestures on top of the Invisible Boatmobile with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.]

Perch:
Oh, looks like Bubble Bass has hitched a ride with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. And what's this? [Fred rides by in a float of his leg.] Not to be outdone, it's Fred in his incredible My Leg Mobile.

Fred:
My leg! My leg! I'm in my leg!

Ice Cream King:
[sniffs and inhales Perch's hair] I smell grease!

Perch:
Oh, that's not me you're smelling, King!

Perch:
[as Squidward's spot is empty] The Krusty Krab float is coming in hot!

Fred:
[chuckles and waves] My leg! [the Krusty Krab float hits him and knocks him away] My Leg Mobile! [Bubble Bass is waving. Fred's float kicks him into the air.]

Perch:
And here we see the domino effect in action. [Bubble Bass lands in the arms of a weightlifter on Larry's float.]

Weightlifter:
Huh? Oh.

Bubble Bass:
My champion!

Larry:
[grunts] Larry can't lift this kind of weight. [groans and drops the float, making it collapse]

Perch:
[seriously] Same as every year. [shrugs] Ah, why not? And now, I'd like to thank my co-host, the Ice Cream King. Hey, King?

Ice Cream King:
[chuckles stupidly and rides away on Mrs. Puff, waving]

Perch:
King?

Ice Cream King:
[laughs] I got my balloon!

SpongeBob:
...to Right!

Patrick:
[while sliding down backwards] Don't worry SpongeBob, it's just Bread Man's Hill.

SpongeBob:
That's not Bread Man's Hill, it's [points to the hill as his pupils turn into skulls] "Dead Man's Hill"!

Patrick:
Wait, is that worse? It sounds worse? [he looks down to the hill, with numerous spikes and coral] It is worst! [turns around and dodges a tree.]

[In Patrick's POV, a cyclist is shown bicycling up the hill then drifts to the left, a cave dweller roars at Patrick but he rides under it, and a ship zooms by with a skeleton holding a sword cackling]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, I'm doing it! [laughing] I'm bicycling!

[SpongeBob and Plankton walk through what seems to be a jungle.]

SpongeBob:
[points up at a tree] Ooh, look! Bananners! Hmm... [detaches his arm and flings it to the tree like a boomerang] Nyaa! Fwaa! [The banana ends up in SpongeBob's possession.]

Plankton:
Finally, some grub!

SpongeBob:
Let's eat!

Baby banana monster:
[Banana is unraveled.] Mama!

SpongeBob & Plankton:
Awwww! [SpongeBob and Plankton perk up and look above them.]

Plankton:
Eeeh?

Mother banana monster:
Roar!

SpongeBob:
[gives back the baby banana and chuckles, making scared noises]

Mother banana monster:
Rrrrr... [picks up SpongeBob and rips him open like a banana.]

SpongeBob:
[singing] Sandy's in the kitchen with SpongeBob, we're in the kitchen, we two! Sandy's in the kitchen with SpongeBob, making nuts on the barbeque!

Sandy:
[laughs, then grabs his hand] You heard the boss man! Tell me what's what.

SpongeBob:
Well, this here is where the magic happens: the grill. Heh. [SpongeBob puts his hands on the grill, burning them. He screams in pain and then giggles. He dots out a red rectangle in front of him.] As long as the sacred space is respected, the kitchen will remain in perfect harmony.

Sandy:
Not to worry! We'll be like two crickets on a fiddle in here.

Squidward:
[rings bell and holds orders out] Here. Knock yourselves out. [SpongeBob takes the orders] Please. [SpongeBob reads the orders. Sandy has already fired up her barbecue and is cooking three nuts with tongs.]

Sandy:
Already on it! So how many nuts should I fix up?

SpongeBob:
Nuts? Oh, sorry, Sandy, there must be a mistake. These are all for Krabby Patties.

Sandy:
[ashamed] Ohhh.

Sir Urchin:
Why did you stop hitting me?

Snail Fail:
I want the audience to know that I am a real thespian, and not just some bumbling buffoon! [Snail Fail’s bowtie spins around.]

Sir Urchin:
Well, you oughta be a serious actor? Nobody's stopping you! Exit stage left!

Snail Fail:
My pleasure! I quit! [Snail Fail throws his bowtie off, and storms away from Sir Urchin as the audience gasps.]

Sir Urchin:
Grr... why you?!

[SpongeBob's television cuts to a "Please Stand By" screen.]

SpongeBob:
Happy friend-iversary, Squidward! [blows a party horn with confetti at him. Squidward spits out the confetti]

Squidward:
SpongeBob, what time is it?

SpongeBob:
It's one minute after midnight on the day that we first met. [grabs a book] It's all here in my Squidward memory book.

Squidward:
What?

SpongeBob:
[sits down next to Squidward and flips through the pages] Here's us at camp. Here's when I moved in right next door. Oh, and here's when I got Employee of the Month instead of you again. Here's one I took a few minutes ago. Look at you. Just like an angel.

Squidward:
[swipes the book away] All right, that's it! [throws SpongeBob out of the door] Get out! [kicks SpongeBob out]

SpongeBob:
[waving] Okay, see you around, friend. [scoots on his butt back to his house] ♪Friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend, friend-iversary!♪ [enters his house]

[The "Friendiversary" banner falls onto Squidward. Bubble transition to Squidward using a dustpan and broom to clean up the party decorations. He then takes the trash to his trash cans outside, to which SpongeBob startles him.]

SpongeBob:
Happy friend-iversary! [Squidward screams and jumps into the trash can] Remember the first time I startled you into this trash can?

Squidward:
Ahem. Good morning.

SpongeBob:
Oh, good morning. You must be the new cashier. Nice to meet you. [continues cooking patties]

Squidward:
I can't believe it. It worked. [to SpongeBob] Uh, have we met before?

SpongeBob:
I don't think so. Maybe we can chat later, huh? I'm kind of busy right now.

Squidward:
This is the best day of my life!

Mr. Krabs:
[walking to the register] Hmm, you seem weirdly happy for some reason. What's going on?

Squidward:
Last night, I erased all of SpongeBob's memories of me. Isn't it wonderful?

Mr. Krabs:
You WHAT?!! [grabs Squidward] Are you insane, man?! [grumbles and takes Squidward to his office]

[Squidward, with his face turned into a deep shade of blue, gasps for air as Mr. Krabs lets him go.]

Mr. Krabs:
To keep Plankton from scanning me mind, SpongeBob is the only one who knows the [bangs safe] combination to the secret formula safe! [strangles Squidward] And because he never wanted to forget it, he attached it to a memory he had with you, Mr. Squidward! I want you to un-erase his memory right now. [hollering] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
[appears, saluting] Yes, Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs:
[putting his hands on both of them] Spend the afternoon with Mr. Squidward here. He's gonna share some precious memories with you.

SpongeBob:
Oh, no thank you. I don't know this guy. He's a stranger. [to Mr. Krabs] Confidentially, he looks a little boring.

Mr. Krabs:
You go with him. That's an order.

SpongeBob:
[saluting] Yes, sir.

[Mr. Krabs growls as Squidward takes SpongeBob outside.]

SpongeBob:
So what are we doing now, new guy?

Squidward:
We're going to recreate your lost memories of me, so you can remember the combination of Krabs' safe.

SpongeBob:
Huh, sounds crazy-pants, [shrugs] but okay.

Squidward:
Just do what I tell you.

Squidward:
Oh....

SpongeBob:
Isn't this wonderful? We're musical classmates!

Squidward:
Kill me now.

Mrs. Sturgeon:
To begin, I would like each of you to play your instrument to get everyone skilled. We'll go around the classroom one by one.

Sponge-Hab:
Avast ye. I be Captain Sponge-Hab. Argh! [his beard falls down, he blushes and excuses himself] Hmm? Oh. [chuckles nervously and puts his beard back on] I brought you all here for a special mission-- to hunt down the great white jellyfish, Dopey Dick.

[Pat-Buck gasps]

Anchovies:
[worried] Meep, meep!

Fishmael:
[afraid] Was Dopey Dick the beast who took off thy leg, Captain?

Giant Krabs:
[laughs] I'll have a solid gold pipsqueak… [pulls out his sundial watch] …in about 4 hours.

Jack:
[pops out of SpongeGoose's bottom] Peek-a-boo!

Giant Krabs:
What!?

Jack:
[jumps onto SpongeGoose's neck and grabs his cloak] Giddy up, galloping gooseflesh! Hya! [Jack whips the cloak and SpongeGoose runs away from his nest. Giant Krabs tries to stop them, but SpongeGoose jumps in between his eyes. SpongeGoose squeezes under the entrance door and runs away from the castle while dropping golden Krabby Patties. Giant Krabs crashes through his door and chases SpongeGoose and Jack to the beanstalk. SpongeGoose rides it down as Giant Krabs can only look down. As SpongeGoose and Jack ride down the beanstalk, they slip off and start falling to the ground.] [whimpers] Abandon goose! [Jack grabs a golden Krabby Patty and jumps off SpongeGoose. Just before he hits the ground, SpongeGoose flaps his wings and breaks his fall. Jack falls straight into the ground and is crushed by his golden patty.] [gets up with SpongeGeese circling his head] I forgot geese can fly. [Jack is caught off-guard as he sees Giant Krabs climbing down the beanstalk.] Alright, enough of this storybook stuff. [pulls out a laser] It's laser time, baby! [Jack activates his laser and it cuts down the base of the beanstalk.] Timber! [maniacally laughs]

[The beanstalk tips over and Giant Krabs drops his weapon to hang on.]

Giant Krabs:
Ok, you can keep the goose! [falls off the beanstalk and lands on Jack's cottage, destroying it]

Jack:
Oh no. Karen!

Karen:
[rolls behind him] Jack! Look what you did to our house!

Jack:
I just slayed a giant for ya, you wanna lay off?!

Sandy:
Well...oh! Maybe SpongeBob could give you the ol' [makes eating motions with hands] bite and chew.

Krabby Patty:
[opens SpongeBob's mouth]

SpongeBob:
Ahh.

Krabby Patty:
[looking inside SpongeBob's mouth] Great teeth, [SpongeBob's tongue turns into a flexing bicep] healthy tongue... [minty breath comes out of the mouth and kisses it] Minty-fresh breath. Spread my ketchup, the perfect mouth! It would be an honor, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
[eyes tearing up] Oh, no, Krabby Patty. The honor is mine.

Krabby Patty:
Bon appétit, friend. [SpongeBob picks it up and starts putting it to his mouth]

Bubble Bass:
Halt! [kicks SpongeBob out the way with his butt, picks up Krabby Patty] I deserve this patty. I'm clearly the hungriest. [holds out belly, then gets hit with pie, The clown picks up Krabby Patty and honks his horn. The other candidates start fighting over the patty, creating a fighting cloud.]

SpongeBob and Sandy:
[backing away, but get dragged into the cloud] Whoa! [The fighting cloud jumps all over the place, while Squidward is ignoring the fight. Krabby Patty crawls out of the cloud.]

Krabby Patty:
[last words] All this for little old me. Ha-ha. Why, if you'd told me when I was a lifeless pile of ingredients that someday I'd... [Gary eats it, everyone stops fighting]

Everyone:
Huh?

Gary:
[swallows patty]

Sandy:
Welp, I guess it got what it wanted.

SpongeBob:
So, Gary, [nudges Gary with elbow] how was it?

Gary:
[burps, slithers away]

SpongeBob:
Wow.

Bubble Bass:
Halt! [points to Sandy, everyone else angry] I blame the squirrel for this fracas. She made us turn on each other with her wicked, wicked science. [everyone starts shouting at Sandy]

Sandy:
Well, science giveth, and science taketh away. [uses her Anthropomorphizer to turn a barrel sentient and rides away on it] Take me away, science. Yee-haw! [The customers all continue shouting at Sandy as they start chasing her. The camera irises out as the episode ends.]

Rube:
We're here with "Baby Prunes." [to her] Now, you're the oldest resident of Bikini Bottom. Isn't that right?

Baby Prunes:
What are you, a cop?

Mary:
[shouting] Ma, behave!

Baby Prunes:
[shouting] He's interviewing me, Mary, so shut up!

Rube:
[laughs] You are too much.

Baby Prunes:
Honey, you should have seen me 70 years ago when I was middle-aged and wild! [coughing]

Rube:
[offscreen] Amazing! [walks to SpongeBob] Right on time!

SpongeBob:
I am?

Rube:
You sure [pokes SpongeBob] are! I'll be your guide today! First off, we'll cross this amazing fish made bridge!

[SpongeBob notices that the bridge is very rickety and made of boards roped on top of each other, then gulps in fear]

Rube:
Don't worry! This is way easier than it looks!

Guru Greasetrap:
Remember, every cut is sacred. [karate chops]

SpongeBob:
[tries to chop a piece of wood but he shatters entirely. He then picks up some logs]

Guru Greasetrap:
Do not carry the wood; let the wood carry you.

Guru Greasetrap:
Don't worry, Guru Greasetrap knows a shortcut. Close your eyes.

SpongeBob:
Ooh, i love suprises! [covers his eyes with hands]

Guru Greasetrap:
[kicks SpongeBob] Surprise! [SpongeBob falls from the mountain as Guru Greasetrap returns to watching television as the game show dings and buzzes are heard "The Price is Right!']

Guru Greasetrap:
[face palms and sighs] When I said your true spatula was inside you, I meant it was literally inside [opens SpongeBob's face like a cabinet to reveal a spatula inside of him] you.

SpongeBob:
[grabs the spatula and closes his face like a cabinet] Woah, it's beautiful! [sheds a tear]

Mr. Krabs:
Er, you might wanna wash that first.

Mr. Krabs:
Have you ever had to handle hot change? [close-up of claws, which have coin indents on them]

SpongeBob:
Sorry, Mr. Krabs. I guess we got carried away watching our animal double-gaggers all day.

Squidward:
That's doppelgangers.

Patrick:
[suddenly waking up] No, I believe it's pronounced bubble hangers.

Mr. Krabs:
What are you [facepalms] barnacle brains blabbering about?

Squidward:
[looks at SpongeBob's window where the light closes and sighs in relief] Now I can have the pool all to myself! [swims backwards into an inflatable chair] Oh, pool... [starts to sleep and the scene fades into his dream where many octopus guests are at SpongeBob's pool] Ciao, everybody!

Guests:
Ciao, Squidwardo!

Guest #1:
[with an Italian accent] Squidwardo, you must play your clarinet for us! You simply must!

Squidward:
I'll think about it! [gets up from the inflatable chair and dives into the pool]

[The guests awes in disappointment but then sees Squidward emerging from the pool playing his clarinet on many large white platforms. Squidward swims as he continues playing his clarinet and the camera pans out to a view of the floor of the pool, which is Squidward's head]

Pool floor:
Ciao bella!

[As Squidward plays his clarinet, two mermaids appear on both sides and kisses his head, until the scene fades to reality with Squidward kissing until he falls off the inflatable chair and into the pool]

Mr. Krabs:
[looks around and sees a thermostat] Hmm. That thermostat, that'll do. Now all we need is a distraction.

SpongeBob:
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs! [takes out two ice cream scoops] I've got it handled. [jumps out and poses] Ta-da! [plays the spoons to upbeat music] Oh, yeah! Check me out! Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Green goon:
It's so lame, but I can't take my eyes off the guy!

Goobfather:
I can feel the rhythm of his scoops in my soul!

SpongeBob:
Oh, this is the tricky part!

Goobfather and Mr. Krabs':
The Ice Cream King!?

Ice Cream King:
[speaking through megaphone] Cease your hostil-lily-- hostile-- quit fightin'! Ice cream isn't meant for brawling! It's supposed to bring sugar fueled fun, belly aches, and brain freezes to the world!

Mr. Krabs:
He's right.

Goobfather:
We shouldn't be fighting.

Mr. Krabs:
There's plenty of saps-- er, customers in town for both of us. [Mr. Krabs and the Goobfather eat their weapons and hug.]

Ice Cream King:
And if you don't quit fighting, I'll use my ultimate weapon, the ice cream bomb!

Goobfather and Mr. Krabs:
Ice cream bomb!?

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps] Wait!

Goobfather:
We've already stopped fighting!

Ice Cream King:
What? I-I can't hear you! Uh, hold on, I'll be right down. Bombs away! [hits button and rides down on a giant popsicle, waving his crown] Whoo-hoo! Yee-haw! Yee-ha-haw!

[The ice cream bomb lands on Mr. Krabs and the Goobfather and explodes, covering Bikini Bottom in ice cream. Squidward screams as he is sent through the air. A guy eats the ice cream.]

Guy:
Hey, everyone, free ice cream! [Kids dive into the ice cream and eat it. SpongeBob and Patrick eat it.]

Patrick:
Is this a dream?

Bubble Bass:
[with a wheelbarrow full of ice cream] Free ice cream forever! [giggles]

Ice Cream King:
[pops out of ice cream and laughs] You're welcome!

Mr. Krabs:
[turns up the thermostat and laughs] This'll sizzle their sorbet.

SpongeBob:
Try and keep up, y'all! Oh, my scoops are on fire!

Purple goon:
His funky scoops are so smokin' hot, I'm sweating! [as his ice cream melts]

Squidward:
[laughs] Ha, ha! Who's got the clam now? [points at butt] I do! [shakes butt] I got the greatest scallop! I got the greatest scallop!

SpongeBob:
Wow, Squidward!

Patrick:
Oh, they're so pretty! Look!

Squidward:
Huh?

[Squidward sees the giant clam spinning in place as the small ones circle around it. The giant clam jumps over the small ones as a jump rope. It moves up and down the smaller clams as a wavering string, playing a gentle harp melody.]

Squidward:
Hey! I bought you to scare those dumb clams, not dance with 'em! [Squidward picks up a rock and throws it. The giant clam is surrounded by the little clams in a heart shape. When the rock hits it, it growls. It screeches at the other clams, and they all rush towards Squidward.]

SpongeBob:
Incoming! [he, Patrick, and Squidward jump out of the way]

[The giant clam smacks into the ground. Squidward screams and rolls away from it. The giant clam spits a pearl. Squidward presses against Patrick's house, but SpongeBob pulls him away. The pearl pierces Patrick's house.]

Patrick:
Boy, is that guy gonna get mad when he gets home!

Sandy:
[comes through kitchen window with bag] Don't worry, SpongeBob. I figured you might have a little trouble [opens suit hatch] getting back to your homestead, [tosses bag into suit, several supplies start floating around in it] so I brung along some supplies.

SpongeBob:
Huh? Yeah!

Sandy:
And I couldn't forget [takes Gary from bag] this little feller.

Gary:
Meow.

French Narrator:
[narrating time card] Several days later...

[SpongeBob's suit is now a murky green, and several items are floating around in it.]

Gary:
[murmuring, slithering around suit, SpongeBob is whistling while cooking patties]

Squidward:
[holding four large trays of patties, grumbling, then loses balance] Whoa! [falls down, and one patty lands onto a customer's table]

Customer:
Mmm. [is about to eat the patty, then has an allergic reaction, and scratches hives] Oh. [flailing arms, screaming] Whaa! [puffs up, falls over]

[As Squidward walks by with a patty, all of the customers start having allergic reactions.]

SpongeBob:
Oh, no, the customers are allergic to patties, too! [turns suit arm into vacuum, then reaches it out from kitchen, Squidward yelps]

SpongeBob:
[sucking up old lady] Quick, get inside the suit! [sucks up customer scratching back on table] You'll be safe in here.

Customer:
Whoa!

[Several customers run around screaming as SpongeBob uses the arm vacuum to suck them all up. Customers are inside suit, groan, Suddenly, the customers' allergies go away. Customers chattering]

Customer:
My rash is gone!

Other customer:
Whoa.

Other other customer:
Totally cured.

Squidward:
[yelps, bangs on office door] Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
[opens door, money all over him, unimpressed] Yes? [eye stalks get grabbed by Squidward into kitchen] Oh!

Squidward:
SpongeBob lost his marbles! He sucked all the customers into that crazy contraption!

SpongeBob:
The patty allergy's spreading, Mr. Krabs. The customers are allergic too.

Mr. Krabs:
Calm down, lad! I'm sure you're just exaggerat-- [has allergic reaction] hmm? [screams, then gets sucked in vacuum]

SpongeBob:
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I'll save you! [Squidward runs away]

Mr. Krabs:
[enters suit, allergy goes away] That's better.

Mr. Krabs:
Yes, every year that Ringmaster Mudkrab rolls into town and steals me customers. But this year he's parked his shabby tent show right on me property.

Man:
[drives by with girl] Hey, let's get a Krabby Patty.

Woman:
No, [points to circus] let's go to the circus instead. [they drive off, Mr. Krabs starts growling, on fire, slaps SpongeBob's watering can out of his hand]

Squidward:
Well, since there's no [points to the right] work, [begins to walk away] I'll be going.

Mr. Krabs:
To the circus. [sticks out tongue, takes ticket]

Squidward:
[stops walking] To the circus?

SpongeBob:
To the circus!

Mr. Krabs:
To destroy it. [laughs evilly]

Squidward:
To destroy it?

SpongeBob:
To destroy it! [record scratches, confused] To destroy it?

Mr. Krabs:
No, no, [pats SpongeBob's head] boy-o, not destroy. I said "enjoy." We're going to enjoy the circus.

SpongeBob:
Oh. [Patrick falls from the sky]

Patrick:
[grabs SpongeBob and Squidward] Yay! We're going to the circus!

Mr. Krabs:
And it'll be fun [face contorts] for all ages. [laughs wickedly]

SpongeBob:
[shows plug] I even pulled out the plug, and I [shakes arms] can't shut it off!

Sandy:
[worried] I got to get my brain working on this! [Sandy smacks her head and warbles. Inside her head, a smaller Sandy is in an exercise wheel hooked up to Sandy's brain. She wakes up, runs in the wheel, then hears an alarm ringing. She looks at the alarm, thinks then snaps her fingers.]

Brain Sandy:
Hmm? Hmm. Aha! [She flexes her finger, which shows its muscles. She turns off the alarm, looks at the camera, and smiles.]

Sandy:
[snaps out of trance] I see the problem! [to her head] Thanks, brain! [jams SpongeBob's finger into the switch, and it bounces off] Your spongy finger is just too darn soft and cute to press the switch.

SpongeBob:
Huh? [finger droops] Aw.

Sandy:
Don't worry, darling. I'll fix it. [Sandy snaps a bone through SpongeBob's finger. SpongeBob goes to shut off his alarm, but smashes it into a hole in the ground.]

SpongeBob:
[laughing] Thanks, Sandy.

Sandy:
Let me try a little... [shakes the ball hard] Hmm. Or maybe some of this. [gnaws on the ball, then sets it down] Well, that didn't work. [bangs head] Come on, brain! [fade into her brain, Brain Sandy dances around like a chicken, clucks, snaps fingers] That's it! I need to use good old farm science on this one! [clucks, covers the Dutchman's ball with her tail]

Dutchman:
Hey, what are you doing? Ow! [egg timer clicking, bell dings and the ball hatches] Hey! You hatched me good! [realizes] Wait a minute. I'm still tiny. [angry] What gives, Sandy?

Sergeant Roderick:
A giant meteor is headed straight for Earth, [meteor shows on screen] and as usual, Sandy, you're the only one that can save us.

Sandy:
Hmmm... [Brain Sandy writes on a chalkboard full of diagrams and equations.]

Brain Sandy:
Aha! [pounds fist]

Sandy:
[salutes] You can count on me, sir. [presses a button and her rocket rises from her treedome, she launches herself through a window] Hyah! Mm... [she sits down and pulls a lever to launch the rocket] Yahoo! [The rocket launches through the air, hitting a seagull out of the way. It flies next to Earth. A giant hand comes out of the rocket.] Pardon me, Earth, [moves earth] you'll need to scooch over a bit.[The meteor flies past the Earth.] [wipes forehead] Phew! [The meteor changes its course and flies back for Earth. An alarm blares.] Wuh-oh! [looks at monitor] That sidewinding stone is a-coming back. [pulls a lever and grunts, The rocket pulls out a spray bottle and extinguishes the meteor.] Bad meteor, bad! [Meteor cries, flies away, Sandy's ship flies back to Earth, which grows a face.]

Earth:
Thanks, Sandy!

[last lines]

Pecan Sandy:
Me finally happy! [grunts, throws Larry's car, which explodes, Townsfolk starts running and screaming, Pecan Sandy roars and throws a trash can at a fish. A building collapses. The townsfolk run up to Sandy's dome and pound on the glass.]

Townsfolk:
Sandy, help us![Narlene and Sandy ignore them, continuing to listen to music. Fade to black.]