The Big Bang Theory, Season 3

Sheldon:
No, Mother, I could not feel your church group praying for my safety. The fact that I'm home safe does not prove that it worked. That logic is post hoc, ergo propter hoc. [lowers his voice] No, I'm not sassing you in Eskimo talk.

Sheldon:
What are they doing here?

Leonard:
We came to apologize again and bring you home. So why don't you pack up your stuff, and we'll head back?

Sheldon:
No, this is my home now. Thanks to you, my career is over, and I will spend the rest of my life here in Texas trying to teach evolution to creationists.

Mrs. Cooper:
You watch your mouth, Shelly. Everyone's entitled to their opinion.

Sheldon:
Evolution isn't an opinion, it's fact.

Mrs. Cooper:
And that is your opinion.

Sheldon:
[to the guys] I forgive you, let's go home.

[Sheldon leaves to pack]

Mrs. Cooper:
[smiling] Don't tell me prayer doesn't work.

[After the guys hear a cricket and Sheldon says its a snowy tree cricket based on the chirps]

Howard:
I am willing to bet anything, that's an ordinary field cricket.

Sheldon:
I can't take your money.

Howard:
What's the matter? You chicken?

Sheldon:
I've always found that an inappropriate slur. Chickens are not, by nature, at all timid. In fact, when I was young, my neighbor's chicken got loose and chased me up the big elm tree in front of our house.

Raj:
Chickens can't climb trees.

Sheldon:
Thank God.

Howard:
[checking an encyclopedia] Right here. See it? The common field cricket, a.k.a. Gryllus assimilis, which is Latin for "Suck it. You lose."

Sheldon:
Hang on. [Finds another page] Voila. The Snowy Tree Cricket, a.k.a. Oecanthus fultoni, which is Latin for "I'll suck nothing." Of course I'm joking because the Latin for that is Nihil exsorbibo.

Sheldon:
Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.

Penny:
Are you fun in any of them?

Sheldon:
The math would suggest that in a few of them I'm a clown made of candy, but I don't dance.

[after several scenes where Penny does something of which Sheldon approves, and gets a piece of chocolate in return]

Leonard:
Okay. I see what you're doing.

Sheldon:
Really.

Leonard:
Yes. You're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behavior.

Sheldon:
Very good! Chocolate? [while offering the box to Leonard]

Leonard:
No! [moves away]

Leonard:
I've always been a little confused about this-- why don't Hindus eat beef?

Raj:
We believe cows are gods.

Sheldon:
Not technically. In Hinduism cattle are thought to be like gods.

Raj:
Do not tell me about my own culture Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out, I swear to cow!

Raj:
[After Sheldon offers him a job] Please don't take this the wrong way, but I would rather swim butt-naked across the Ganges with a paper cut on my nipple, and then die a slow agonizing death from viral infection, than work with you.

Sheldon:
For me.

[Howard's phone rings]

Howard:
Damn, it's my mother.

Bernadette:
Are you going answer it?

Howard:
I'm torn. She might be dying. I wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voice-mail, I could play it over and over.

Bernadette:
I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.

Howard:
Not as crazy as my mother makes me.

Bernadette:
Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?

Howard:
My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.

Bernadette:
Okay, well, does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning like you're 9 years old?

Howard:
You live with your mother?

Bernadette:
No. That's the sad part.

Howard:
Okay, check this out: my mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.

Bernadette:
That's nothing! I couldn't ride a bicycle because my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.

Howard:
Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?

Bernadette:
Not on a bicycle. In a Camry. [short pause]

Howard:
Corolla! More wine?

Bernadette:
I'd love some!

Howard:
Listen, you have to come to Shabbat dinner at my house sometime.

Bernadette:
Why?

Howard:
Well, a Catholic girl like you, wearing a big cross like that, might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.

Bernadette:
Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.

Howard:
It's a date.

Penny:
[aside to Leonard] Am I a matchmaker or what?

Sheldon:
[after winning a card game match in a tournament] Now fetch me Wil Wheaton! [he looks at where Wil Wheaton and Stuart are playing their own match] bortaS bIr jablu'DI' reH QaQqu' nay'

Wil Wheaton:
Did that guy just say 'Revenge is a dish best served cold' in Klingon?

Stuart:
I believe so.

Wil Wheaton:
What is wrong with him?

Stuart:
Everyone has a different theory.

Sheldon:
Alright, Poindexter, sit down, shut up, and listen.

Leonard:
I'm sorry?

Sheldon:
Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations, and if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Leonard:
[watching football on TV] I think I'm starting to get this.

Raj:
Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.

Leonard:
Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.

Raj:
I'm just saying, maybe if people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

[Howard and Raj are fighting. Eventually, Sheldon loses his cool]

Sheldon:
Stop it both of you! All this fighting, I might as well be back with my parents! "Damn it, George, I told you if you didn't quit drinkin', I'd leave you!" "Well, I guess that makes you a liar, 'cause I'm drunk as hell and you're still here!" "Stop yelling! You're making Sheldon cry!" "I'll tell you what's making Sheldon cry! That I let you name him Sheldon!" [Sheldon storms out]

Howard:
Boy, what got him so upset?

Raj:
Oh, sure, you can tell when Sheldon's upset.

Penny:
Come on, Sheldon, let's go home - we're done fighting.

Sheldon:
I've heard that before. Then the next thing you know I'm hiding in my bedroom blaring a Richard Feynman lecture while my mom is shouting that "Jesus would forgive her if she put ground glass in my dad's meatloaf." And my dad's on the roof skeet shooting her Franklin Mint collectible plates.

Penny:
There's gonna be no more shouting and no skeet shooting.

Sheldon:
Really? Where's your friend Justin going to sleep?

Leonard:
Yeah, where's he gonna sleep?

Penny:
Oh, my God, would you let this go?!

Stuart:
[walking by] I'd let it go.

Leonard:
Why do I have to let it go, why can't you just tell the guy to find another place to sleep?! [Sheldon turns on a toy robot to drown out the arguing] Oh, for God's sakes! [turns off the robot] So, you have childhood issues - we all have childhood issues. At some point you just need to grow up and get past them.

[Sheldon turns on another robot]

Penny:
Leonard, will you just let me handle this, please? [takes robot from Sheldon and turns it off] Sheldon, please, try and understand. Look, Leonard and I are in a relationship, and occasionally, we're gonna fight. But - no matter what happens between us, we'll always love you. Right, Leonard?

Leonard:
Always is a long time. [both look at him] Sure, always.

Penny:
You know, how 'bout we buy you this robot and we all go home?

Sheldon:
I want that one. [points to the toy robot held by Leonard]

Penny:
Okay, we'll buy you that one.

Leonard:
Ah, come on, he's just gonna play with it twice and then it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.

Penny:
Buy him the robot, Leonard. [Leonard walks off to buy the robot]

Sheldon:
Can I get this comic book, too?

Penny:
[mom-like tone and face] Yes, you can. [Sheldon runs off]

Sheldon:
The 'Check Engine' light is on; we need to find a service station.

Penny:
No, the light's been on since I bought the car.

Sheldon:
All the more reason to consult with a mechanic before it explodes!

Penny:
It's not gonna explode, just keep driving. Warp speed ahead, Mr. Spock.

Sheldon:
Mr. Spock did not pilot the Enterprise, he was a science officer, and I guarantee you that if he ever saw the Enterprise's 'Check Engine' light blinking, he would pull the ship over immediately!

Sheldon:
According to the inexplicably irritable nurse behind the desk, you'll be seen after the man who claims to be having a heart attack but appears well enough to be playing Doodle Jump on his iPhone. [Holding clipboard] We have to fill these out. Describe the illness or injury.

Penny:
I dislocated my shoulder.

Sheldon:
Alright, and how did the accident occur?

Penny:
You already know that.

Sheldon:
[writing] Cause of accident - lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon:
Kidney disease?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon:
Migraines?

Penny:
Getting one.

Sheldon:
Are you currently pregnant?

Penny:
No.

Sheldon:
Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.

Penny:
Change migraine to 'yes'.

Sheldon:
When was your last menstrual period?

Penny:
Oh, Next question!

Sheldon:
I'll put 'in progress'. Okay, moving to psychiatric disorders, list all behavioral diagnoses e.g. depression, anxiety etcetera.

Penny:
Oh, my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?!

Sheldon:
[Writing] Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.

Penny:
Ass!

Sheldon:
Possible Tourettes.

Sheldon:
[about his appearance on NPR] My mother is very excited. She's convening her Bible study group to listen in and then pray for my soul.

Howard:
I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship, it would be with someone... you know... different.

Penny:
Different how?

Howard:
Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from Transformers or Katee Sackhoff from Battlestar Galactica.

Penny:
Are you high?

Leonard:
You'd have a better shot with that three-breasted Martian hooker from Total Recall.

Howard:
Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago. Imagine how saggy those things would be.

Sheldon:
Why are you crying?

Penny:
Because I'm stupid.

Sheldon:
Well, that's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and that makes me sad.

Sheldon:
It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 BC. You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora... and you look up at the night sky. There you notice some of the stars seem to move, so you name them planetes or wanderer.

[Penny puts her hand up]

Sheldon:
Yes, Penny.

Penny:
Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?

Sheldon:
This is the beginning of a 2,600-year journey we're going to take together from the ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton to Niels Bohr to Erwin Schrodinger to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.

Penny:
2,600 years?

Sheldon:
Yeah, give or take. As I was saying: It's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece... Yes, Penny?

Penny:
I have to go to the bathroom.

Sheldon:
Can't you hold it?

Penny:
Not for 2,600 years...

Sheldon:
Alright, go then.

[Penny goes off and Sheldon goes to his computer]

Sheldon:
[voice-over] Project Gorilla: Entry Two. I am exhausted.

Sheldon:
I found the Grinch to be a relatable and engaging character, and I was really with him right up the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzz-kill that was.

Leonard:
When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.

Sheldon:
Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera and a stolen hat-a crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.

Leonard:
(singing) Fa-la-la-la la-la-la-la!

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter:
[after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling across my chest.

Penny:
That'll be the Del Taco.

Sheldon:
Why is Leonard softly banging his head on his bedroom door?

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter:
Speaking of warm feelings, come here! (kisses Sheldon square on the lips) Nah, I'd rather have the busboy.

'[Howard enters Leonard's laboratory to mock him for his unsuccessful date the previous evening]

Howard:
Hey.

Leonard:
[handing him a pair of glasses] Laser.

Howard:
Had a great night last night. I don't like to kiss and tell, but... [puts glasses on] somebody made it to eighth base!

Leonard:
The hell is eighth base?

Howard:
Seventh base with shirt off. Well... My shirt. How'd things go with Penny?

Leonard:
[sarcastically] Oh, yes... Couldn't be better.

[He fires up the laser, igniting a Cylon action figure in its path and startling Howard]

Howard:
Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?

Leonard:
[extinguishing the fire] It's not just Cylons. Superman's next.

Howard:
Alright. I was gonna try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later, when you don't have a high-power weapon.

Leonard:
How can I go out with a woman who believes in psychics?

Howard:
Hey, I once dated a girl who believed she was abducted by aliens.

Leonard:
And that didn't bother you?

Howard:
Au contraire. It meant she was gullible and open to a little probing.

Leonard:
What am I supposed to do, pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?

Howard:
Hey I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.

Leonard:
Do me a favor. [points to the area in front of the laser] lean over and put your head right here.

Howard:
Let me show you another way to look at this. [Draws a large box on a dry-erase board] Here we have the universe of all women. [Draws one large circle inside the box] These are the ones you want to sleep with. [Draws an equal-size circle slightly intersecting the first] These are the women who believe exactly what you believe. [Draws a very small circle at bottom of the intersection] These are the women who would be willing to sleep with you. Right there at the little triple intersection is your ideal mate. Odds are she's a short physicist with low self-esteem who lives in a government research facility in China.

Leonard:
What's your point? In order to keep having a sexual relationship with Penny, I have to give up everything I believe in, my intellectual integrity, the very nature of who I am? I can't do that, Howard.

Howard:
I respect that. [takes Leonard's hand and dots his palm with the marker]

Leonard:
What is that?

Howard:
Your new girlfriend. Have fun tonight.

Raj:
Okay, let's check out the females.

Sheldon:
Alright, there's a female.

Raj:
That's Professor Wilkinson's wife, she's like 80 years old!

Sheldon:
But she's female, isn't that the game?

Raj:
No, I'm looking for a hookup.

Sheldon:
Oh. So the point of this exercise is to find someone for you to copulate with.

Raj:
Not so loud, but ideally yes.

Sheldon:
And what is my function as wingman?

Raj:
You help me run my game.

Sheldon:
Alright, and what is your game?

Raj:
When I lie through my teeth to a woman, you nod and agree.

[Abby walks by and notices Sheldon's lantern]

Abby:
Hey, that's pretty cool, what is it?

Sheldon:
It's a limited edition Green Lantern lantern. My friend is looking for someone to copulate with.

Abby:
[laughs] You're very funny, I'm Abby.

Sheldon:
I'm Sheldon.

Raj:
How do you do? Rajesh Ramayan Koothrappali. Call me Raj.

Abby:
Hey Raj, where are you from?

Raj:
The mysterious, sub-continent of India.

Abby:
Ooh, India.

Raj:
You know India?

Abby:
I saw Slumdog Millionaire.

Raj:
Well, I'm a slumdog astrophysicist.

Sheldon:
I thought your father was a gynecologist? [Raj looks at him] Sorry. [Smiles and nods]

Abby:
Hey, Martha, come over here. Meet Sheldon and Raj.

Martha:
Is that the limited edition Green Lantern lantern?

Sheldon:
In brightest day, in darkest night, no evil shall escape my sight. [Holds up his ring to the lantern and it lights up.]

Martha:
Oh, that is so awesome.

Sheldon:
Thank you. [To Raj] Have you chosen one to copulate with?

Sheldon:
Oh, Lord, they re-did the menu.

Leonard:
So what, it's the same food.

Sheldon:
Really? Look at this: General Tso's chicken is no longer under specialties. It's now under chicken.

Raj:
So?

Sheldon:
Yes, General Tso.

Raj:
Not Tso the chicken, so the question. So?

Sheldon:
So? Did the chef lose confidence in himself or the dish. And just look at this, Shrimp with "mobster sauce". What is "mobster sauce"?

Leonard:
It's obviously a typo.

Sheldon:
Perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant is now a front for organized crime. For all we know the mobster sauce actually contains chunks of deceased mobsters.

Raj:
No, I just think it means it's the kind of sauce mobsters like.

Howard:
It doesn't mean anything, it's just a typo!

Leonard:
Here's an idea: why don't we go out for pizza?

Sheldon:
Good idea. We'll go to Corleone's.

Howard:
Sure, no mobsters there.

Sheldon:
The more I think of it, mobster sauce couldn't possibly contain actual mobsters.

Leonard:
[impatient] Why not?

Sheldon:
It's listed under seafood.

[after Penny and Leonard slipped on marbles that Sheldon has spread across the floor]

Howard:
Sheldon, what the hell are you doing?

Sheldon:
Same thing I've been doing for three days. Trying to figure out why electrons behave as if they have no mass when traveling through a graphene sheet.

Bernadette:
With marbles?

Sheldon:
I needed something bigger than peas now, didn't I?

Bernadette:
Sheldon, when was the last time you got any sleep?

Sheldon:
I don't know, two, three days? Not important. I don't need sleep. I need answers. I need to determine where, in this swamp of unbalanced formulas squateth the toad of truth.

Penny:
[aside to Leonard] The toad of truth? Is that a physics thing?

Leonard:
No, that's a crazy thing.

Bernadette:
[making her way to Sheldon] Okay, Sheldon, what happens to our neuro-receptors when we don't get enough REM sleep?

Sheldon:
[looks at Bernadette] They lose their sensitivity to seratonin and norepinephrine.

Bernadette:
Which leads to...?

Sheldon:
Impaired cognitive function.

Bernadette:
Right. [firmly, pointing at his bedroom] So march in there, brush your teeth and go to bed!

Sheldon:
[in a childish manner] ...But I don't wanna go to bed.

Bernadette:
[firmly] I'm gonna count to three. One...

Sheldon:
[exasperated] Oh, alright! [leaves]

Leonard:
[shocked] That was amazing how you handled him.

Bernadette:
I know how to deal with stubborn children. My mother used to run an illegal daycare center in our basement.

Penny:
[at the restaurant] What are you doing here?

Sheldon:
A reasonable question. I asked myself, "What is the most mind-numbing, pedestrian job conceivable?" and three answers came to mind: tollbooth attendant, Apple Store genius, and what Penny does. Now, since I don't like touching other people's coins, and I refuse to contribute to the devaluation of the word "genius", here I am.

Penny:
So that's it? You just walked in and they hired you just like that?

Sheldon:
Oh, heavens, no! Since I don't have to be paid, I didn't have to be hired. I just walked in, picked up a tray, and started working for the Man.

Leonard:
[About everyone's Valentines Day plans] Okay, to sum up, one giant marble horse [Howard], one... asinine comment [Sheldon], one lonely man and his chicken [Raj] and that leaves... oh, that's right! My plans! [no one responds] Isn't anyone gonna ask?

Raj:
Fine, tell us you're gonna have sex with Penny.

Leonard:
No, that's not was I was going to say.

Raj:
It's okay, I don't mind hearing about your sex life, it's his [Howard's] that bugs me.

Leonard:
That's not what I was going to say. Guess who the university is sending to see the Hadron Collider in Switzerland?

Sheldon:
Professor Norton, although God knows why. He hasn't published anything in years since he won that Nobel prize.

Leonard:
Actually, he can't go. He threw his back out rock climbing.

Howard:
I heard he threw his back out climbing his new girlfriend.

Raj:
The big-boobed weather girl from Channel 2?

Howard:
That's the one.

Leonard:
Anyway, since he can't go, the university is asking me to fill in for him!

Sheldon:
In Switzerland or on the big-boobed weather girl?

Leonard:
[Who is trying to cheer up Sheldon] I have an idea, why don't we play one of your car games.

Sheldon:
Alright, this game is called Traitors. I will name three historical figures and you will name them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Dr. Leonard Hofstadter.

Leonard:
Do you really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?

Sheldon:
You're right. Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did. Okay, round two. Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch,

Leonard:
Rupert Murdoch?

Sheldon:
He owns Fox, and they canceled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

Penny:
Well, here we are.

Sheldon:
Oh, my, we're at Stan Lee's front door.

Penny:
Yep.

Sheldon:
First we were at Stan Lee's curb, than we were at Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door. We're going to have milk and cookies with Stan Lee. [Penny rings the doorbell]

Penny:
Okay, sweetie I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi so let me do the talking and... [Stan Lee comes out]

Stan Lee:
Yeah?

Penny:
Are you Stan Lee?

Stan Lee:
Aw, damn.

Penny:
Hi, I'm Penny and this is my friend Sheldon...

Sheldon:
We're not friends at the moment. It depends on how this goes.

Penny:
Anyway, Sheldon is a huge fan and he was supposed to be at your signing but he kind of, ended up in jail, so we got your address and...

Stan Lee:
Wait, so you just decided to come to my house, uninvited?

Sheldon:
You said we were invited.

Penny:
No Sheldon, I said, I'm inviting you to come with me to Stan Lee's house.

Stan Lee:
You know, you fan boys are unbelievable. You think you can just ring by doorbell anytime you want? [Sarcastically] I mean why don't you just come in and watch the Lakers game with me?

Sheldon:
[comes inside] Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.

Penny:
I'm sorry. He doesn't really understand sarcasm.

Stan Lee:
Well, I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie, call the police!

[Sheldon comes in the apartment]

Leonard:
Hey, where've you been?

Sheldon:
I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee, and gotten autographed comics, but I got to see the inside of his house, and got a signed form for a restraining order from him.

Howard:
Sweet?

Sheldon:
Plus I get to hang out with him again, at the hearing. [Walks off to his room] This will look great next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.

Penny:
Who's Adam West?

Sheldon:
"Who's Adam West"?! Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?

Howard:
My guess is "Hey, four minutes! New record!"

Sheldon:
Waterfalls!

Raj:
What?

Sheldon:
Waterfalls, crashing waves, babbling brooks.

Howard:
What are you doing?

Sheldon:
Subliminal messaging. I'm going to make you want to pee. Dripping faucets, leaky gutter, peeing.

Raj:
It's not working, dude.

Sheldon:
Oh, it's working, alright. I have to pee.

Raj:
Then let go of the ring and go.

Howard:
Well, actually I wouldn't mind going either.

Raj:
Well, on the count of three. 1, 2...

Sheldon:
Wait, just to be clear. When we get to three, do we stand up? Or do we pee?

Howard:
We stand up.

Sheldon:
Excellent choice.

Raj:
3.

Howard:
Something tells me this was a bad day to wear suede shoes.

Penny:
So, what do you say, Sheldon? Are we your X-Men?

Sheldon:
No. The X-Men were named for the "X" in Charles Xavier. Since I'm Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

Howard:
Oh, that's not a good name.

Raj:
[teaching Sheldon how to calm himself with meditation] Okay, Sheldon, imagine the place you feel most at home. Where is that?

Sheldon:
Sim City. In particular, the Sim city I designed: Sheldonopolis.

Raj:
Okay, you're in Sheldonopolis,

Sheldon:
Where exactly? Sheldon Square? Sheldon Towers? Sheldon Stadium, home of the fighting Sheldons?

Raj:
Whatever you like.

Sheldon:
I thought this was supposed to be a guided meditation.

Raj:
Fine, you're in Sheldon Square.

Sheldon:
Really? This time of year? It's a bit nippy.

Raj:
Then put on a sweater.

Sheldon:
I suppose I could run downtown and pick something up at Shel-Mart.

Raj:
Yeah, whatever. Just go buy a sweater.

Sheldon:
You know, the nice thing about Shel-Mart is I own it, so I get a 15% discount.

Raj:
You own the damn thing. Just take a freaking sweater!

Sheldon:
Look, I didn't turn a profit last quarter by taking product off the shelves willy-nilly.

Raj:
Alright. You've paid for a sweater and you're in Sheldon Square.

Sheldon:
Hang on. It's a cardigan. I have to button it. [He does so] Oh, no!

Raj:
What now?

Sheldon:
A Godzilla-like monster is approaching the city. I have to get my people to safety. People of Sheldonopolis, this is your mayor. Follow me! If the children can't run leave them behind! Oh, the simulated horror! [Raj leaves and slams the door. Sheldon opens his eyes] Raj? [To himself] Just as I suspected. Meditation is nothing but hokum.

Stuart:
You guys still on for bowling tonight?

Sheldon:
Oh, yes. In fact, I've prepared some trash-talk for the occasion. Ahem... You bowl like your momma! [short pause] Unless she bowls well, in which case you bowl nothing like her.

Stuart:
Oh. Ouch.

Sheldon:
That is what is referred to as a burn on you.

Sheldon:
Attention all bowlers! I've taken the liberty of having these made for our rematch! [holds up a bowling shirt that reads "Wesley Crushers"]

Penny:
The Wesley Crushers?

Sheldon:
No, not the Wesley Crushers, the Wesley Crushers.

Penny:
I don't get it.

Leonard:
Wesley Crusher was Wil Wheaton's character on Star Trek.

Penny:
Still don't get it.

Sheldon:
It's a blindingly clever play on words. By appropriating his character's name and adding the S, we imply that we will be the crushers of Wesley.

Penny:
Okay, I'm sorry honey, but the "Wesley Crushers" sounds like a bunch of people who like Wesley Crusher.

Sheldon:
No! Again, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers.

Howard:
If you wanted to mean you're crushing Wesley, it'd be the Wesley Crushers.

Sheldon:
Do you people even hear yourselves? It's not the Wesley Crushers, it's not the Wesley Crushers, it's the Wesley Crushers!

Wil Wheaton:
[enters with his bowling team] Hey, look! They named their team after me!

Leonard:
Hey, where've you been?

Sheldon:
I was talking with Penny.

Howard:
What's wrong with you? You can't hang out with your roommate's ex. That's totally uncool.

Leonard:
No, it's fine. I don't care. I'm over it.

Raj:
Yeah, he's over it; that's why he's been whining all day about trying to invent that memory-wiper gizmo from Men in Black.

Sheldon:
Is he making any progress? Because I'd like to erase Ben Affleck as Daredevil.

Howard:
[to himself] So would Ben Affleck. [to Sheldon] The point is, in a situation like this, you gotta pick sides. You're either on Team Leonard or Team Penny.

Sheldon:
Which one picks last?

Howard:
What?

Sheldon:
Usually, I'm on the team that picks last... unless there's a kid in a wheelchair.

Sheldon:
Thanks for seeing me on such short notice.

Leonard:
What do you want?

Sheldon:
Maybe this isn't a good time.

Leonard:
Tell me what you want or I swear to God I will kill you.

Sheldon:
Do you really think death threats are a good way to start this conversation?

Leonard:
Alright, I'm sorry.

Sheldon:
Sometimes your lack of social skills astonishes me.

Leonard:
What do you want?

Sheldon:
You may wanna sit down.

Leonard:
I'm in bed!

Sheldon:
Point taken. You may wanna sit up.

Leonard:
Just tell me what you want!

Sheldon:
I've been seeing Penny behind your back.

Leonard:
When you saying seeing Penny, what do you mean?

Sheldon:
We had dinner last night. She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs. I like spaghetti with little hot dogs. Well, a hot dog. I gave up the other 5 hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hell hound. There'll be a tangent line at the end, it's not important.

Leonard:
Then why did you have Chinese food with us?

Sheldon:
Wolowitz made it very clear my loyalty should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.

Leonard:
Is it possible that he said bros before hoes?

Sheldon:
Yes, but I rephrased to avoid offending the hoes.

Leonard:
Sheldon, I don't care if you wanna be friends with Penny.

Sheldon:
Really?

Leonard:
Yeah.

Sheldon:
You mean all the emotional distress I've been feeling is essentially useless and in vain.

Leonard:
I guess so.

Sheldon:
Well, as my Meemaw would say, "Looks like we butchered a pig but nobody wanted bacon." Oh, and as for the tangent line. Sheldon and the hell hound. OR How I lost my hot dogs.

Sheldon:
I must say, I am shocked by this betrayal.

Leonard:
I didn't betray Penny.

Sheldon:
Not Penny, me!

Leonard:
How am I betraying you?

Sheldon:
Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her!

[Storms off to his room]

Leonard:
Yeah, I guess I did.

Elizabeth Plimpton:
Do you like role-playing games?

Howard:
Yeah, sure. In fact, I'm a dungeon master.

Elizabeth:
Not tonight. Tonight, you are a delivery man. You brought soup, but, uh-oh, Raj and I don't have enough money to pay you. So we'll have to come to some other kind of arrangement.

Howard:
Beg your pardon?

Elizabeth:
You two figure out the details, I'm going to change into something I don't mind getting ripped off my milky flesh.

Howard:
[after Elizabeth goes into another room] What the frak?

Raj:
Go away. She wants New Delhi, not kosher deli. Besides, you have a girlfriend.

Howard:
We broke up weeks ago.

Raj:
Why didn't you say anything?

Howard:
I was waiting for the right time. This is the right time.

Leonard:
[arriving] Hey, who's ready for Halo?

Raj:
Oh, this is like a nightmare. Get lost!

Howard:
He's right. The numbers are shaky enough as it is.

Leonard:
I don't understand.

Elizabeth:
[peeking head through door] Oh, good. Leonard's here.

Raj:
Good?!

Leonard:
Elizabeth, what's going on?

Elizabeth:
What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men and Raj is my new landlord and I don't have enough money to pay any of you. [goes back inside the room]

Leonard:
Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?

Howard:
Yep! Welcome to the Penthouse Forum.

Sheldon:
[reading his standard roommate agreement to new roommate Leonard] "Roommates agree that Friday nights shall be reserved for watching Joss Whedon's brilliant new series Firefly."

Leonard:
Does that really need to be in the agreement?

Sheldon:
We might as well settle it now; it's gonna be on for years.

Sheldon:
Explain the couch.

Leonard:
Well, there were some people on the first floor moving out, and they sold it to me for $100. Howard and Raj helped me bring it up.

Sheldon:
But what's wrong with the furniture we have?

Leonard:
They're lawn chairs. And there was no place for company.

Sheldon:
Did it occur to you that was by design?

Zack:
Wow, is that the laser? It's bitchin'.

Sheldon:
[sarcastically] Yes. In 1917 when Albert Einstein established the theoretic foundation for the laser in his paper "Quantentheorie der Strahlung", his fondest hope was that the resultant device be "bitchin'".

Zack:
Well, mission accomplished.

[Sheldon looks at him in surprise and confusion]

[at the site for Sheldon's online date]

Amy:
Excuse me. I'm Amy Farrah Fowler, you're Sheldon Cooper.

Sheldon:
Hello, Amy Farrah Fowler. I'm sorry to inform you that you've been taken in by unsupportable mathematics designed to prey upon the gullible and the lonely. Additionally, I am being blackmailed with a hidden dirty sock.

Amy:
If that was slang, I'm unfamiliar with it. If it was literal, I share your aversion to soiled hosiery. In any case, I'm here because my mother and I have agreed that I will date at least once a year.

Sheldon:
Interesting. My mother and I have the same agreement about church.

Amy:
I don't object to the concept of a deity, but I'm baffled by the notion of one that takes attendance.

Sheldon:
Well, then you might want to avoid East Texas.

Amy:
Noted. Now, before this goes any further, you should know that all forms of physical contact up to and including coitus are off the table.

Sheldon:
May I buy you a beverage?

Amy:
Tepid water, please.

Howard:
[to Raj, seeing their "experiment"] Good God, what have we done?

Penny:
What did you tell them?

Leonard:
Nothing bad. Just that last night was fine.

Penny:
Fine? You said it was fine?

Leonard:
Yeah. It's a perfectly good word. You put it in front of "wine" or "dining" and you've really got something. Okay, well, let me ask you this, how was last night for you?

Penny:
It was... okay.

Leonard:
Okay?

Penny:
Yeah, it's a perfectly good word. I mean, you put it in front of "dokay" and you really got something. All right, let's not overreact. It takes time to get to know each other's rhythms. Learn what the other person wants and likes.

Penny:
Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.

Bernadette:
Why not?

Leonard:
That's where Sheldon sits.

Bernadette:
He can't sit somewhere else?

Penny:
Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.

Sheldon:
Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Leonard:
If you don't come out of there, I'm gonna have to DRAG you out.

Sheldon:
You can try... but you'll never catch me. [dives inside of ball pit]

Leonard:
Oh, for God's sakes! [enters ball pit and swims around] Sheldon, come here!

Sheldon:
Bazinga. [dives back inside]

Sheldon:
Bazinga. [dives back inside]

Sheldon:
Bazinga! [dives back inside]

Leonard:
[Looking at television] Ooh! it’s time for Babylon 5!

Sheldon:
We don’t watch Babylon 5 in this apartment.

Leonard:
Why not?

Sheldon:
Because no one likes Babylon 5.

Leonard:
I like it.

Raj:
Me, too.

Howard:
So do I.

Leonard:
There you go–three against one.

Sheldon:
They don’t get a vote. It’s one against one. And according to the roommate agreement, all ties will be settled by me.