Two and a Half Men, Season 2

Charlie:
I'm just having some friends over to... smoke cigars, sample some fine single-malt Scotch, and, you know, talk.

Alan:
I enjoy all those things. But Scotch makes me a little gassy, but I'll take a Beano and I'm good to go.

Alan:
Wait a minute, you don't consider me a friend?

Charlie:
It's not up to me. A friend is someone you choose, a brother is someone you get...

Alan:
Excuse me?

Charlie:
There's no choice involved! Your dad just wakes you up in the middle of the night and says, "Your mom wasn't really fat and this isn't your room anymore."

Alan:
But you wanted me to live here with you. You offered me.

Charlie:
Well, actually I wanted Jake to come live with me but I figured, you two are a package deal.

Alan:
"Hurry up and get out." Sounds like sex with my ex-wife.

Alan:
So... in addition to my house, half my money, and my self-esteem, Judith got custody of all my friends.

Sean Penn:
Charlie, when are you gonna stop resenting your brother just for being born?

Charlie:
I don't resent him for being born, but he abused the privilege!

Alan:
Wow. Wow, uh, Elvis, that was, uh... that was beautiful. But you know, uh, in all honesty, um, I really, really loved your uh, earlier, you know, angrier stuff. You know, uh, "Pump It Up"! Now, now that was a song. [chuckling]

Sean Penn:
I knew that.

Alan:
Oh, and, uh, and while we're on the subject, Sean, um, why don't you do funny stuff like you used to? I mean, Fast Times ruled, man! [chuckling] C'mon, uh, do-- do a little Spicoli for us!

[cut to Alan duct-taped to a lamp post on Wilshire Boulevard]

Alan:
Guys? This isn't funny. Uh-oh, clammy hands, nausea... Guys? Guys? GUYS?!

Charlie:
Hmmm, tequila? Checkbook? Sourpuss? Must be alimony time.

Alan:
Go away, Charlie.

Charlie:
Boy, you'd think for all that money, she'd at least come over and give you a lap dance.

Alan:
Leave me alone, Charlie!

Charlie:
In fact, you know what would be really funny? Where it says "memo," write "lap dance." Give her something to explain at tax time.

Alan:
Our pediatrician. My ex-wife is sleeping with our... pediatrician. [breaks the head off the giraffe]

Charlie:
I wonder if she gets a lollipop after every visit.

Alan:
Hey, hey, here's a funny thing! Uh, my name's Al, and I, uh, I give Judith money, [chuckles] so it's, uh, so it's, uh, "Al-i-mony".

Herb:
Wouldn't it be "Al-i-money"?

Alan:
I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie:
I'm not saying I hate you, but if I did, it might have something to do with the fact that you're a narcissistic bloodsucker who drove my father into an early grave, after which you married a succession of men who couldn't care less about Alan and me, which was just fine with you 'cause you... looked at us like a couple of dancing monkeys you could just haul out whenever it suited you! And when it didn't, you sent us off to boarding school or camp or that kibbutz in Israel, where we got beat up 'cause we weren't even Jewish! And now... now you show up here every chance you get to lay a guilt trip on me for not appreciating my cold, lonely, loveless childhood!

Evelyn:
Well... obviously you're not ready to talk about it.

Charlie:
Well, I want it on the record that if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleachers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.

Miss Pasternak:
Jake, I'm only your teacher from 8:15 to 3:00. After that, I'm just a person like anyone else.

Jake:
Oh, this is more wrong than the time I saw Santa peeing at the mall.

Miss Pasternak:
Do you think he'll [Jake] be OK?

Charlie:
Sure, he's just not used to seeing his teacher out of the classroom... and her pants.

Charlie:
[Reading Jake's test answers] Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence in....pen. For this you got an A?

Jake:
Yeah, everybody did. I love you Uncle Charlie [Runs to his room]

Alan:
I think you know what you have to do.

Charlie:
Um... break up with Miss Pasternak, right?

Alan:
Hell, no, he's [Jake] getting A's. He hasn't gotten an A since nap time in kindergarten.

Charlie:
But he's not learning anything!

Alan:
Charlie, get your priorities straight; I'm trying to get him into a decent middle school! After he's accepted, he can learn that Sacajawea wasn't... [reading Jake's test answer]: "a bag full of Jawea".

Charlie:
OK, I gotta tell you, my weirdness bar for chicks is pretty high... but you are clearing it in street shoes.

Charlie:
Man, I guess you can afford a lot of cool stuff when you don't have to sell your blood and sperm to make alimony payments.

Evelyn:
Charlie, I need to borrow your Mercedes.

Charlie:
Well, since you're in a hurry, I'll give you a quick answer: no.

Evelyn:
Charlie, please, I'm showing a house in half an hour.

Charlie:
What's wrong with that little electric car you bought?

Evelyn:
Oh, nothing! Well, it's fine, it's hip, it's what anyone who cares about this planet is driving. But if you're trying to sell real estate to a Saudi oil prince, you can't be driving up in some little toy car with a plug in the bumper.

Alan:
Um, you could use my car, Mom.

Evelyn:
You see? Now that is how a loving son treats his mother. [to Alan]: Thank you, sweetheart, but I need to look successful.

Alan:
So this is pretty cool, huh, Jake? An electric car.

Jake:
I guess. What happens when the batteries run out?

Alan:
You plug it in and recharge it.

Jake:
Yeah, but what if there's a blackout?

Charlie:
Then you sit in the back seat with a loaded pistol and wait for the looters just like any other car.

Alan:
Charlie...

Charlie:
It's a cool car, Jake.

Jake:
Greg has a really cool car. He has a Hummer.

Charlie:
You know, your Uncle Charlie's no stranger to Hummers.

Alan:
Charlie...

Charlie:
That's a cool car, too, Jake.

[Charlie shows Alan a bra that he found in the back seat of his Mercedes]

Alan:
Holy mother of God!

Charlie:
No, no, unholy mother of us!

Evelyn:
I left a $300 bra in the back seat of your Mercedes, and I want it back.

Charlie:
Oh, my. How in heaven's name did that happen, Mother?

Evelyn:
Well, if you must know--

Alan:
I don't need to know.

Evelyn:
Oh, Alan, grow up. [to Charlie]: I sold a $12 million house and I wanted to celebrate.

Charlie:
With the Saudi prince?

Evelyn:
Don't be ridiculous. He's got nine wives and they're all, like, eleven years old. No, I-- I was with the seller's realtor. Splitting that juicy commission made us both so hot, we barely made it off the front lawn. Now go get Mommy's bra.

Jake:
I'm gonna live here with you and Dad from now on.

Charlie:
Wanna bet?

Jake:
Why not?

Charlie:
Two reasons: your mother loves you and life is cruel. Wait, that may just be one reason.

Charlie:
A woman's much more relaxed and comfortable in her own surroundings. Plus, the minute she falls asleep, I can hit the bricks.

Alan:
That's lovely. It's a shame you don't work for Hallmark.

Charlie:
Yeah, I'll bet those guys get laid like crazy.

[on Charlie's date Sherri]

Rose:
Oh, Charlie, you don't need a girl like that. You could do so much better.

Charlie:
You're right, I can. She doesn't call when she says she will, she won't let me sleep over, she's obviously seeing other guys, so why can't I get her out of my head?

Rose:
That's not where I was going, but let's review. She's gorgeous, but she's also self-centered, she's promiscuous, she's commitment-phobic...

Charlie:
Oh, my God!

Rose:
What?

Charlie:
I'm dating myself. No wonder the sex is weird.

Alan:
Now, what year did Magellan circumnavigate the globe?

Jake:
It's not gonna be on the test.

Alan:
Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt for you to know it anyway.

Jake:
Why would I want to know something I don't have to?

Alan:
Because maybe you'll need to know it in the future.

Jake:
Well, then that's when I'll learn it!

Alan:
Why can't you just learn it now?

Jake:
'Cause there's only so much space in my brain that if you put Magellan in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Berta:
Alan? I got a riddle for you: What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on weekends? I'll give you a hint: It's your kid.

[Jake is doing his homework]

Alan:
What about this one?

Jake:
That's extra credit. I don't have to do it.

Alan:
But why don't you do it anyway.

Jake:
Cause I don't have to.

Alan:
But it shows you're willing to make an extra effort.

Jake:
But I'm not.

Alan:
Do it!

Jake:
Why?

Alan:
Jake, if you spent as much time doing the homework as you do arguing about it, we'd be done by now.

Jake:
I am done, this is extra.

Charlie:
I have to tell you something.

Alan:
OK.

Charlie:
Come on out in the bedroom.

Alan:
All right. [leaves the bathroom; Charlie locks the door] What are you doing?

Charlie:
You'll understand in a minute.

Alan:
Uh, uh, I thought you had to tell me something.

Charlie:
I do. There is no "Bad Alan". I'm the one who stole the Silly Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. Three, four, five, six, seven...

Alan [frantically knocking on the door]:
DAMN YOU TO HELL! COME OUT HERE AND DIE LIKE A MAN!

Charlie:
What do you know? There is a "Bad Alan."

Jake:
Hey, Dad, when you got arrested for shoplifting, did they take you to jail?

Alan:
I did not get arrested, and there was no jail.

Jake:
So I guess you never had to shank a guy to get your props in the yard.

Alan:
You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?

Jake:
It's "1234." A monkey could crack that.

Evelyn:
So dear?

Jake:
What?

Evelyn:
Do you see anything you like?

Jake:
I don't know. What's venison?

Evelyn:
Deer.

Jake:
What?

Evelyn:
Deer.

Jake:
What?

Evelyn:
Deer, D-E-E-R!

Jake:
What, W-h-a-t!

Evelyn:
What's wrong with him?

Alan:
Ehm, Jake it's, it's the deer in the forest, like ehm, like Bambi.

Jake:
Oh, cool! Let's eat Bambi!

Charlie:
Coming soon to Pay-per-view.

Alan:
I-- I feel betrayed and-- and hurt in ways that... I can't even express! And-- and you think we can just dance past that?

Charlie:
I was hoping.

Alan:
Well, I am sorry, but it is not that easy. Thanks to you, my-- my life has been twisted beyond recognition! I mean, look at me, Charlie! I'm a-- I'm a broke, hopelessly neurotic, middle-aged man who doesn't even know who he is or where he belongs! I have nothing, Charlie. No-- no wife, no home, nothing.

Charlie:
OK. So should I check back with you after lunch?

Charlie:
OK, then. I didn't need a reason to drink tonight, but it's nice to know I've got one.

Charlie:
Remember how you were a bed wetter until you were 8?

Alan:
Yeah?

Charlie:
You actually stopped at 6.

Alan:
What, what? What did you do? Did you sneak into my room and-- and, and, and, and-- pour warm water on me while I was asleep?

Charlie:
Yeah, OK. Let's... say it was water, and let's say I poured it. [Alan ponders this for a moment then gives an aghast expression as he realizes what Charlie means. Charlie doesn't seem to notice.] Well, I feel better, how about you?

Alan:
I-- I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.

Charlie:
There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.

Charlie [slapping Alan with the plans for Evelyn's party]:
Are? You? Happy? Now we have to throw a party for your crazy-ass mother!

Alan:
Well, she's your mother, too!

Charlie:
How do you know? I could have been adopted.

Alan:
You wish!

Charlie:
I do!

Daisy:
Anyway, I'm sleeping at a motel tonight.

Berta:
Good idea. Maybe you'll meet your next husband on the walk there.

Berta:
That's it, I can't work like this!

Alan:
Well, you have to, Berta! We got fifty people coming here in a couple of hours.

Berta:
Don't tell me, tell her.

Alan:
Fine.

Berta [to Charlie]:
Watch this.

[Alan tries to talk to Daisy, who is meditating outside on the deck]

Daisy:
HEY, I'M MEDITATING HERE!

Charlie:
Berta, Berta, you can't quit being related to somebody. Believe me, I've tried.

Alan [to Evelyn]:
If you want to sit here and stew in the venom and bile that is the soup of your being, then fine. I hope you drown in it! [to Jake]: Don't you ever talk to your mother this way!

Berta:
Well, gadzooks. Zippy's getting his freak on.

Charlie:
Yeah, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.

Berta:
I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother.

Alan:
OK, uh, just make sure Jake goes to bed early. He's got karate in the morning.

Charlie:
Which, of course, you'll be back for.

Alan:
Charlie, trust me.

Charlie:
You, I trust. It's him [points toward Alan's penis] I'm worried about.

Evelyn:
Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have, well, many more stepfathers than you already have.

Charlie:
She knows what she's talking about, Alan. Mom's been on more hotel pillows than a chocolate mint.

Charlie:
So, what are you doing for dinner?

Lisa:
You're shameless.

Charlie:
Thank you.

Lisa:
It's not a compliment.

Charlie:
Whatever. What are you doing for dinner?

Lisa:
Charlie, a lot has changed.

Charlie:
I know. I'm older and wiser, and you're hot and on the rebound!

Alan:
I'm sorry, are we done with what's bothering me?

Charlie:
I am.

Alan:
It's like talking to a horny chimp.

Alan:
Is there anything in your shower I need to know about?

Charlie:
Come on. That's the most action you've had in months!

Alan:
I have a loose tooth.

Charlie:
Can't you just be happy for me? The woman I love is back in my life!

Alan:
That's great. I'm thrilled. I can't eat apples.

Charlie:
I'll bring you back some applesauce from Lisa's. Her kid needs to lay off the fiber, anyway.

Charlie [through the baby monitor]:
OK, let's take this thing [diaper] off. Oh, sweet Lord! Did you have Thai food for dinner or what? Man, Babe Ruth took smaller dumps!

Alan:
Hey, what's that, uh, splattered all over your shirt?

Charlie:
Coffee and breast milk.

Alan:
What happened, did Starbucks merge with Hooters? "Hooterbucks." I'd like a double D-cup latte, please.

Berta:
Not that it's any of my business but what in hell happened in your brother's bathroom?

Jake:
Dad was wrestling on the floor with a naked lady.

Berta:
The quiet ones are always the freaks.

Alan:
Jake, we weren't wrestling, I just reached in to turn off the tap and she was startled. It was an honest mistake and it was completely innocent

Jake:
But you admit, she was naked.

Alan:
Yes but as I said, it was an honest mistake. So there's absolutely no need to tell your mother! Understand?

Jake:
Yeah. I forgot you have to sign my math test.

Alan:
Ok, D minus! Jake what am I gonna do with you?

Jake:
Dunno.

Alan:
Did you show this to your mother?

Jake:
No.

Alan:
Why not?

Jake:
Cause I didn't catch her doing anything.

[after Charlie plays the first version of his Oshikuru jingle]

Jake:
Your thing doesn't capture the mood at all, it just... blows!

Charlie:
OK, OK, you said "blows" already.

Jake:
Did I say "big baby chunks"?

Alan:
Oh, are you, uh, starting that book report already?

Jake:
Just making notes.

Alan:
Good for you! What do you have so far?

Jake:
Lord of the Flies is kind of like Survivor, but with kids.

Alan:
Huh! That's, uh... that's an interesting analogy! Uh, what's your favorite part?

Jake:
Um... when the first kid gets voted off the island?

Alan:
Ferrets?

Rose:
Yeah, I have five of the toothy, little guys.

Alan:
No-- no kidding. Five ferrets? Those are like, uh, long, furry rats, right?

Rose:
Yup, and they're all named Charlie.

Charlie:
D-minus? Didn't you read the Cliff Notes?

Jake:
That was fifty pages!

Charlie:
Unbelievable. Your kid's too lazy to cheat.

Alan:
Has it occurred to you that maybe he's too honest to cheat?

Jake:
No, I'm lazy.

[after the debut of the Oshikuru cartoon]

Jake:
That's not what we wrote! That's your original sucky version!

Charlie:
What can I tell you? The network liked that one better.

Jake:
What are they, brain damaged?

Charlie:
Welcome to show business, kid.

Charlie:
Please tell me the Jack and Ginger isn't for you.

Gail:
No, it's for my girlfriend. Why?

Charlie:
Well, you look like a woman of discriminating taste, and mixing a quality bourbon with ginger ale is like putting Cheez Whiz on Lobster Newberg.

Alan:
Are you still reading that thing?

Charlie:
How can I not? It's an entire website devoted to trashing me! Listen to this: "Has anybody had sex with Charlie where he actually bothered to take his socks off?" It's just mean! I have bad circulation in my feet -- they get cold!

Charlie:
OK, I've had enough of this. How do I delete this whole thing?

Alan:
You can't delete a website. The only person who can delete it is the person who created it.

Charlie:
Well, how do I find out who created it?

Alan:
Now, let's see, huh? [does a WHOIS search] OK, uh... OK, the domain is the property of a company in the Cayman Islands called... [chuckling]: Charlie Harper Sucks, Ltd.

Charlie:
That's no help.

Alan:
Hey, you can buy T-shirts and coffee mugs! "Add to cart"...

Charlie:
If I don't do something about that website, I'm gonna have to move to Pennsylvania and chase Amish broads.

Berta [reading a list that Alan left on the kitchen table]:
"Pro: No alimony. Con: No sex. Pro: See Jake all the time. Con: See Judith all the time."

Alan:
What are you doing? Give me that!

Berta:
I'm sorry, it was just laying there.

Alan:
That's private.

Berta:
OK! [pause] I've got another "pro" for you.

Alan:
Yeah, what's that?

Berta:
If you hook back up with Olive Oyl, I won't have to scrub your toilet anymore.

Alan [writing]:
"Pro: No more Berta."

Alan:
You want to help me? Stop talking me up. It's killing me.

Charlie:
OK!

Alan:
And stop putting yourself down! Somehow that's killing me too!

Charlie:
Got it.

Alan:
Just-- just sit there and eat your dinner and I'll play your game.

Charlie:
Fine! [Alan takes the open urinal next to Charlie] You want to shake on it?

Alan:
You're disgusting.

Charlie:
Yeah, I'm disgusting. At least I'm not the one taking a squirt on my shoe.

[Jake spots the high school yearbook photo of Alan]

Jake:
What was going on with your hair?

Jamie:
It's called a Jheri curl.

Alan:
It was my Michael Jackson period.

Jake:
Who's the tall guy next to you?

Jamie:
Oh, uh, that's me, Jake.

Alan:
I thought you were going to be busy today.

Charlie:
I was. I went to a movie, shot some pool, bought a book, bought a shirt, drank a bucket of coffee, read the book, and then it occurred to me: "Hey! I have a home!"

[Jamie kisses Charlie after kissing Alan, with Charlie in the backseat and Alan in the front]

Charlie:
To the batcave, Alfred

Alan:
Go to hell.

Charlie:
OK, I'm getting mixed signals here.

Jamie:
This is the signal, Charlie: You can't have this. Not now, not ever. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER!

Charlie:
You know, I didn't make up the "Eckelberry Hound" thing.

Alan:
But he did spread it around. I-- I was always your friend.

Jamie:
Oh, please. I spent years throwing myself at you, "friend", playing stupid nerd games on my bed with my shirt open, "buddy", hoping and praying that you would kiss me or touch me or at least notice me as a woman, "PAL"!

Alan:
You knew your shirt was open?

Jamie:
WHO DO YOU THINK OPENED IT?!

Jamie [to Alan]:
You can never have this. NEVER, NEVER, NEVER! [leaves]

Charlie:
Well, I guess we know why she's still single.

[After an earthquake has struck while Charlie was in bed with a woman]

Alan:
Apparently, the earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.

Charlie:
What earthquake?

Alan:
'What earthquake?' About an hour ago, you didn't feel the house shaking?

[Charlie stares into space for a moment with a blank expression on his face]

Charlie:
Oh.

Alan:
Unbelievable. You actually thought that was you?

Charlie:
No, I thought it was her. Y'know, because of me. Well the good news is unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.

Charlie:
Well, that's the difference between 'wife' and 'ex-wife'. With 'ex-wife', you don't even have to pretend to care.

Alan:
I'm sorry, but I can't be that callous.

Charlie:
Have you even tried?

Alan:
It's just for a couple of days.

Charlie:
Oh, a couple of days. Jack the Ripper only killed a couple of prostitutes, but it was still wrong!

Alan:
What do you want me to do, put her in a hotel?

Charlie:
Yeah, put her in a hotel! Put her in a space capsule! Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies!

Alan:
Charlie, I can't do that to her.

Charlie:
Again, have you even tried?

[Judith is holding salad tongs]

Charlie:
Ah, better use the wooden ones.

Judith:
What's wrong with these?

Charlie:
I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.

Judith:
Is this a regular occurrence?

Charlie:
You'd think I'd learn.

Judith:
And you keep them in the kitchen?

Charlie:
I used to hang them on a little hook in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.

Jake:
This is really weird.

Alan:
Why is it weird? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.

Jake:
I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.

Charlie:
Nice shooting. Two with one bullet.

Judith:
I'm surprised to see you home on a Saturday night, what with your fun, bachelor lifestyle.

Charlie:
Well, I got laid this morning, so I thought I'd kick back tonight.

Charlie:
Well, what if you were dating?

Alan:
But I'm not.

Charlie:
But what if it looked like you were dating?

Alan:
Oh, oh, you mean-- no, no way. I-- I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.

Charlie:
OK, forget it.

Alan:
She'd have to be really pretty, like a... like a ten. And young, like a twenty.

Charlie:
Anything else?

Alan:
Uh, and smart. Uh, and a sense of humor's important. Uh, well-read, uh, good with kids, uh, non-smoking, of course... ooh, and, uh, easy on the piercings. Nothing south of the equator.

Charlie:
You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.

[Alan is helping Jake study for his history test. Charlie is drunk.]

Alan:
Lewis and Clark explored what?

Charlie:
[buzzes in] Louisiana Purchase.

Alan:
Right.

Jake:
I knew that.

Alan:
Yeah, but, uh, Uncle Charlie buzzed first.

Charlie:
And I'm still buzzed.

Jake:
OK, give me another question.

Alan:
All right. Um, "Seward's Folly" is another name for...? [Jake and Charlie buzz in at the same time] Jake?

Jake:
Alaska.

Alan:
Ah, very good!

Charlie:
Ugh, I was gonna say Mrs. Seward.

Charlie [looking at Jake's test]:
Wow, Texas used to be a separate country. Why'd we change that?

Jake:
[About his history test and how he got an A] Wendy Cho got an A+.

Evelyn:
You see Alan, Wendy Cho got an A+.

Alan:
Wendy Cho is a freak of nature! She cloned a goldfish for the science fair! You can't compare Jake to her!

Evelyn:
Well, who should we compare him to? The paste eaters and unibrows?

Berta:
The sink's stopped up again. That kid still doesn't know the difference between the garbage disposal and the drain.

Charlie:
What do you want? He's eleven.

Berta:
That's no excuse. If he can't tell which hole is which at his age, he's headed for big trouble down the road.

[Charlie is teaching Jake how to play blackjack]

Jake:
What's the signal if you have to go to the bathroom?

Charlie:
There is no signal; you just get up and go to the bathroom. Unless you're on a hot streak, in which case you sit tight and wet yourself.

Jake:
You're kidding, right?

Charlie:
Hey, you're wearing a $50 pair of slacks and you got $600 on the table? Do the math.

Jake:
I have to do math and pee my pants?

Alan:
What's taking you so long?

Jake:
I can't find my other shoe!

Alan:
So then put on a different pair.

Jake:
But this one's on already!

Berta:
Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a getaway car?

Alan:
You need to get Jake dressed, make him his lunch, and get him to school by eight, OK?

Charlie:
OK.

Alan:
You're not moving.

Charlie:
Yes, I am. I'm flipping you off under the covers.

Alan:
GET UP!

Jake:
I forgot to comb my hair.

Charlie:
No-no-no-no-no, I'll do it. [licks his fingers and brushes Jake's hair with them]

Jake:
That's spit!

Charlie:
One man's saliva is another man's mousse. Now shut up.

Charlie:
Jake, it takes more than sex to make a man happy... You also need money.

Alan:
You know why I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client and forget to report it, which I do. It was because no one at the IRS could believe I was paying as much alimony as I claimed! It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a schmuck!

Charlie:
Oh, boo-hoo. You want a real fun time? Try finding an extra-small Ben Franklin costume at 9:00 in the morning.

Alan:
Oh, right! The play, uh, how was it?

Charlie:
Boffo. A smash. Among the highlights were a twelve-year-old Chinese George Washington with a powdered wig and a snot bubble, and your kid in a bald cap and granny glasses holding a Tweety Bird kite and announcing he's discovered "elasticity".

[Charlie is on all fours on his bed]

Charlie:
Alan, you're a chiropractor. Do something!

Alan:
Really? You want my help? Even after you referred to my profession as, oh what was it... "urban voodoo"?

[Charlie is on the floor in intense pain]

Charlie:
I need someone who can give me drugs!

Berta:
I'm not holding, but I can make a couple of calls.

Alan:
Drugs just mask the problem.

Charlie:
Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it and let it fight crime!

Berta [to Jake]:
After a day scrubbing toilets, I'm betting you'll be able to pee through a Cheerio at ten paces.

Berta [hands Jake a mop and bucket]:
Take these and get started on the kitchen floor.

Jake:
Why? I didn't pee in here! OK, once, but it was in the sink.

Berta:
The sink? How'd you manage that?

Jake:
It's not that hard. You just gotta drink a lot of root beer, lean back, and figure the angle.

Alan:
If two thousand years of-- of human history has taught us anything, it is that there's karmic justice in the world, and that when people live the way you do, bad things have to happen to them to even things out.

Charlie:
Well, I don't agree.

Alan:
It's not up for debate! It's a... law, like gravity!

Charlie:
Oh, I agree with gravity.

Alan:
Oh, good. We wouldn't want you flying off the planet with nothing to hump but satellites.

Doctor Oh, are you a doctor?

Alan:
Yes, I'm a chiropractor.

Doctor:
So no.

Charlie:
So you think I have a shot with that doctor or what?

Alan:
It's like trying to talk Shakespeare to a Hershey bar.

Jake:
Dad?

Alan:
Yeah?

Jake:
Do you suffer from erectile dysfunction? [Charlie spits out his drink]

Charlie:
Well, Alan, do you?

Alan:
Um... Jake... what do you know about erectile dysfunction?

Jake:
Not much. It has something to do with your penis, right?

Alan:
Right.

Jake:
And they say one out of three guys gets it, and mine's fine so it's got to be one of you.

Alan:
Did you ever try any of those [erectile dysfunction] drugs?

Charlie:
Once or twice. Out of curiosity, not necessity.

Alan:
What did you think?

Charlie:
It's not my thing. It's like corking the bat. You?

Alan:
Yeah, that's what my ex-wife wanted -- more sex with me that lasted longer.

Alan:
And if we're gonna be a couple, I want to be the husband.

Charlie:
Who's gonna believe you're the husband?

Alan:
Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's been a husband.

Charlie:
You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?

[after Alan and Charlie left for the party]

Rose:
What is that about?

Jake:
I don't know, but one of them suffers from erectile dysfunction.

Evelyn:
Charles, didn't I ask you to confine your debauchery to outlet stores?

Charlie:
So, how you getting to the restaurant?

Alan:
Sherri's picking me up.

Charlie:
Ah! Very convenient.

Alan:
Why? Because she's been here before? Because she's been here with you? Because you've had sex with her in every room in the house?

Charlie:
No, because you can't drive. But it's interesting to see how your mind works.

Sherri:
My point is, I'm tired of those shallow relationships I was having with guys like Charlie. I want to be with a man who can be sensitive and caring, nurturing, you know, someone who can make me laugh, make me think.

Alan:
You do realize I'm straight, right?

Sherri:
[giggling] You really are adorable.

Alan:
Thank you. I, uh-- I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women.

Sherri:
Really?

Alan:
Ironically, not my mother.

Alan:
She [Sherri] invited me to her house for dinner tonight. I think she wants to have sex.

Charlie:
With who?

Alan:
With me.

Charlie:
With you. Hang on a second. [looks at the newspaper] Nope, no snowballs reported in Hell... no sightings of flying pigs...

Charlie:
When you're making love, the way to slow yourself down is to think of something completely non-sexual.

Alan:
What do you think of?

Charlie:
You.

Charlie:
You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.

Alan:
We don't know that.

Alan:
[Having an argument with Charlie] No no, Charlie, you see, to know what goes on inside my head, you would have to be familiar with the world that exists, beyond the tip of your penis.

Charlie:
Don't talk about my penis, you have not earned the right.

Jake [to Alan and Charlie]:
You know, if you guys were queer, we'd be what they call an "alter-native" family.

Charlie:
Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whorehouse.

Alan:
Excuse me?

Charlie:
You're constantly surprised that you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Charlie:
Rose, please, don't try to psychoanalyze me.

Rose:
Oh, Charlie, psychoanalysis takes years. I'm just messing around inside your head.

Alan:
Who would've thought Rose knew what she was talking about?

Charlie:
Certainly not Rose.

Alan:
And Grandma doesn't just feed on the souls of the dead, Jake. She also profits from the pain of divorce and the humiliation of bankruptcy.

Alan:
Where are you going?

Evelyn:
Neiman's. I'm going to need something black.

Charlie:
Doesn't your soul qualify?

Evelyn:
Laugh now, but when I die, I will be coming back to haunt you. [leaves]

Charlie:
How will that be any different than this?

Alan:
You're hitting on the widow!

Charlie:
No, I'm consoling the widow. I won't start hittin' on her 'til they close the lid.

Alan:
Unbelievable. How do you sleep at night?!

Charlie:
Usually drunk and on top of somebody. But that takes work, Alan; it doesn't just happen by itself.

Alan:
Hey, well, here's an idea: Why don't you run downstairs to the embalming room and see if you can score a couple of fresh ones off the truck?

Charlie:
Excuse me, but considering your ex-wife, I'd say you're the expert on having sex with cold women who don't move!

Jake:
Where's the dead guy?

Alan:
Jake, show a little respect.

Jake:
Where's the dead guy sir?

[after Evelyn tries to convince Harry's most recent wife to sell her six-bedroom house]

Alan:
That woman just lost her husband!

Evelyn:
Alan, the man was fifty years old when she was born!

Alan:
So?

Evelyn:
So she had to see it coming!

Charlie:
Wow. Even for you, that is really cold.

Alan:
Oh, Mr. Graveside Nookie weighs in. Five minutes ago you were trying to give the widow a sympathetic crotch to cry on.

[Alan and Jake are looking at Harry's dead body during the funeral]

Jake:
How did he die?

Alan:
He just got old. His heart stopped.

Jake:
Oh. His watch is still going.

Alan:
Yep.

Jake:
Why would he need a watch anyway? It's not like he's gonna be late for anything.

Evelyn [during the funeral]:
I loved this man with all my heart and you left me, you lousy bastard! Well, take a good look! I've still got a great ass and yours is decomposing as we speak!

Evelyn:
And I want an unadorned headstone that reads simply, "Evelyn Harper: Loving wife, devoted mother."

Charlie:
That's good. Open with a joke.

[Alan just bought a new Porsche, which Charlie is unimpressed with]

Alan:
It is not a chick car! The-- the salesman showed me brochures with pictures of men driving it.

Charlie:
Alan, if a monkey walked into the dealership, he'd have been shown pictures of monkeys driving it.

Alan:
Monkeys can't drive a stick.

Charlie:
Alan, where'd the money come from?

Alan:
I found it.

Charlie:
Alan...

Alan:
Mom.

Charlie:
You traded your soul for a Porsch?

Alan:
I didn't trade my soul, and it's Porsche.

Alan:
The first thousand miles is the break-in period. You're not supposed to go over 65.

Charlie:
Well, then go 65.

Alan:
The speed limit is 60! You want me to get a ticket?

Charlie:
Alan, you're driving an expensive red sports car. If you're not getting tickets and tail you might as well take the bus... which, by the way, just passed us.

Charlie:
I love the smell of brimstone in the morning.

Trudy [to Alan after drinking another restaurant customer's glass of wine]:
Remind me to get some clean urine from you before we go.

Jake:
How come it's a secret that dad is on a date?

Charlie:
Eh, it's not a secret, it's just never a good idea to tell a woman more than they need to know

Jake:
How come?

Charlie:
Because we love them and want to protect them. A clueless woman is a happy woman.

Charlie:
[on the phone with Alan who is trying to ditch his drunk blind date]: Viagra and a bad ticker. Mom loses more boyfriends that way.

Charlie:
Alan, Alan, calm down, calm down! Listen to me. Here's what you do. Take her to a crowded club, pin a warning note on her back as a courtesy to the next guy, and run like hell!

Evelyn:
Excuse me, I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.

Charlie:
Really, the teenage drinking and constant running away wasn't a slight tipoff?

Evelyn:
Oh, you were just a little drama queen, Charlie. And let's not forget, you always came back.

Charlie:
Kinda hard to get steady work when you're nine.

[Jake finds out he's spending the night with Evelyn]

Jake:
Uncle Charlie, can you get me out of this?

Charlie:
That depends. Are you willing to live in Mexico for a few years?

Jake:
Sí.

Charlie:
Oh, come on, he's [Jake] not in any real danger.

Alan:
Not physically, but you know as well as I do that Mom has the ability to say things that... stick with you.

Charlie:
Yeah. Forever and ever. My favorite was, "They must have mixed you up with another baby 'cause I could never have given birth to such a hateful child." Who writes that on a fifth grader's birthday card?

Alan:
Oh, how about, "It's no wonder your father doesn't come home from work. If I could get out of here, I would, too."

Charlie:
Did I ever tell you about the time I wrote my first jingle for a national commercial? Pepsi. I invited Mom over to watch the prime-time network debut. For thirty seconds, 20 million people were listening to my music, and then at the end, Mom turned to me and said, "You couldn't get Coke to hire you?"

Alan:
Nice, but I can top it.

Charlie:
Go.

Alan:
It's the day of my wedding, right? And she's sitting there crying and I think it's because she's happy. Turns out it was, and I quote, "so relieved you finally found someone who could love you."

Charlie:
We gotta go get Jake.

[after Jake's time with Evelyn]

Charlie:
Do you realize that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?

Alan:
He broke her.

Charlie:
Chewed her up and spit her out.

Alan:
It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie:
I'm gonna be truthful here, Alan. I always thought your kid was a little bit of a simpleton.

Alan:
Me, too.

Charlie:
But clearly, he is the Chosen One.

Jake:
Hey, guys, check it out: [high-pitched voice]: Pull my finger. [lower voice]: OK. [pulls his finger and farts]

Alan:
And they shall call him Jake.

Judith:
When I brought him [Jake] home Sunday night and served him dinner, he tipped me with a $25 chip from Caesars Palace and told me I had a nice rack!

Alan:
Uh, well, Judith... you do.

Judith:
I'm warning you, Alan, things had better change around here or there will be serious consequences. Legal consequences! Got it?

Alan:
Got it.

Judith:
Good-bye. [leaves; Alan shuts the door]

Alan [mocking Judith]:
"There will be serious consequences. Legal consequences."

Charlie [also mocking Judith]:
"I don't care what you do during the week, but on the weekends, you're a role model."

Alan [same mocking voice]:
I enjoy talking this way.

Charlie [same mocking voice]:
As do I.

Jake:
Have you seen my Game Boy?

Norman:
No. Have you seen my wife?

Jake:
No. Well, if you see it, let me know.

Norman:
Ditto.

Charlie [to Norman]:
I am-- I am, I am so sorry. I had no idea that she was married. Believe me, I have a firm rule when it comes to sleeping with married women.

Berta:
Yeah, if she's firm enough, he'll do her.

Charlie [to Berta]:
I'm sorry, isn't there something around here you could be cleaning?

Berta:
I'm guessing you could use a good scrubbing.

Evelyn [to Norman]:
Did my son... polish your trophy wife?

Jake:
I just want to go home, I'm cold and I'm wet.

Charlie:
And if you kick the back of my seat again with those dirty cleats, you're going to be colder and wetter.

Alan:
[to Berta] Charlie...

Berta:
[interrupting Alan] Got it.

Alan:
Get it? How can you get it?

Berta:
Well, there's a Roles Royce in the drive way, [pull out silk leggings] and I found this hanging on the mailbox, so I'm guessing that your brother has some bimbo upstairs and Norman here is her daddy or her sugar daddy.