Two and a Half Men, Season 5

Charlie:
Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?

Berta:
Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips and love in my heart.

Charlie:
I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.

Berta:
Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.

[at the shoe store]

Alan:
How do they feel?

Jake:
OK, but they're ugly. They look like old people shoes.

Alan:
They're not old people shoes. They're walking shoes.

Charlie:
Right, for people who've been walking over eighty-five years.

Alan:
I hope he [Jake] didn't wander under the bleachers during lunch hour.

Charlie:
Ah, he's smarter than that.

Alan:
Smart? Charlie, he only got out of sixth grade 'cause he couldn't fit in the desks anymore.

Alan:
And-And what about you?

Charlie:
What about me?

Alan:
You're afraid of everything.

Charlie:
Like what?

Alan:
Well, let's see. Germs, change, commitment, opening your eyes under water, angry husbands, angry ex-girlfriends, large birds, spiders, and mom.

Charlie:
Hold on. Hold on a sec. I am not afraid to open my eyes under water. I'm just sensitive to chlorine. And for the record, it's just when birds get indoors. In the sky, I got no problem.

Alan:
Fine, fine. Live in denial. I'm gonna try and straighten my kid out.

Charlie:
And what sane person is not afraid of spiders?

Alan:
Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.

Indian doctor:
We have a saying in my country. "You can put a tuxedo on a goat, but still a goat. "

Charlie:
Yeah, well, we have a saying in my country, too: "Help me, my balls are on fire!"

Alan:
Well, I-- I'd love to help you out, Mom, but, uh, I have a date tonight.

Evelyn:
So now it's inflatable sex doll night at Dodger Stadium?

Alan:
No, no, I really have a date. And-- and the doll was a gag gift from one of my patients.

Evelyn:
Charlie, what about you?

Charlie:
I tried it once, but I prefer a real woman.

Alan:
Now, I have been to a lot of these things with Mom, and I know you think it's gonna be bad, but believe me, it's gonna be worse than you can even imagine.

Charlie:
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You just love seeing me unhappy.

Alan:
Yeah. I mean, did you feel sorry for me when I had to wear that cowboy outfit to her celebrity AIDS hoedown?

Charlie:
That was different.

Alan:
How?

Charlie:
It was you.

Alan:
Yeah, well, now it's you. Yippie-ki-yay, mother-accompanier.

Charlie:
She [Evelyn] can be a cranky drunk.

Alan:
Cranky? I got bitch-slapped with my own ten-gallon hat.

Charlie:
Where the hell should I go?

Margaret:
Out the window.

Charlie:
Are you crazy? I'm not going out the window.

Margaret:
He's an ex-Marine.

Charlie:
I'm going out the window.

Alan:
Sharon, I have been rejected by... thirty-two different women in my life. And you know what? It's never been me.

Sharon:
OK, it's you. Feel better?

Alan:
Actually, no.

Sharon:
You're a very nice guy...

Alan:
No, no, that's even worse! You know what they say about nice guys?

Sharon:
Yes, they finish last.

Alan:
No, they finish in the shower.

Alan:
Hey, Berta? You're a woman.

Berta:
Where are we going with this, Zippy?

Alan:
I was just wondering, uh, what does it mean when someone starts crying uncontrollably after sex?

Berta:
Well, in my experience, it usually means the conjugal visit's over.

Charlie:
Hey, if you two [birds] don't have any other plans, why don't you fly over to the Hollywood Bowl and take a crap on my brother?

Charlie:
A blind date? Forget it, Charlie Harper does not go on blind dates.

Alan:
He doesn't?

Charlie:
No, he doesn't.

Alan:
Can't we ask him?

Charlie:
Don't bother. I know what he'll say.

Alan:
OK, but does he have to say it in the third person?

Alan:
I can't believe it. You're nervous about a date.

Charlie:
Of course I'm nervous! What am I gonna talk to her about? I haven't gone out with a forty-year-old woman since high school!

Alan:
Well, Charlie, that's the great thing about seeing someone your own age. There's always something to talk about because what you've been through, she's been through.

Charlie:
Oh, I hardly think so.

Alan:
All right, point taken. But she's a fascinating woman. She's a municipal court judge, she teaches law at UCLA...

Charlie:
Aw, man, you didn't tell me that!

Alan:
Does that make a difference?

Charlie:
It makes a big difference! The smarter the girl, the harder it is to blow smoke up her ass!

Alan:
Oh, come on, Charlie, so you struck out with a woman. It happens. Believe me, it happens! And when it does, the best thing to do is to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and curse God for making you the way you are.

Charlie:
All right, forget it, I don't need you. I'll call her [Linda] myself. [leaves]

Alan [to God]:
Sorry about the "curse God" stuff. But we both know I'm not your best work.

Charlie [leaving Linda a voicemail message]:
I figure three's a charm, four is a restraining order.

Berta:
Where are you going?

Charlie:
I don't know. Someplace where the bottles are full and the women are empty.

Berta [sings]:
And the skies are not cloudy all day.

Linda:
Thank you for a lovely dinner.

Charlie:
You're welcome. [they kiss]

Linda:
Good night.

Charlie:
Wait, wait, wait. Are you sure you don't want me to tuck you in?

Linda:
I don't need to be tucked in, Charlie.

Charlie:
Oh, come on, everybody needs a good tucking once in a while.

Linda:
Well, then, go tuck yourself.

Charlie:
I guess I'll have to.

Jake:
Hot girl at twelve o'clock.

Charlie:
Where?

Jake:
Over there.

Alan:
That would be nine o'clock.

Jake:
No, it's twelve. Actually, it's 12:05. Twelve-ish.

Charlie:
You want to straighten him out, or should I?

Alan:
Go ahead, take a swing.

Charlie:
OK, the reason guys say "Hot girl at", like, "twelve o'clock" or "three o'clock" is to specify a location using the clock face as kind of a map.

Jake:
What if you have a digital watch?

Charlie:
First of all, you're not gonna meet any women if you're wearing a digital watch.

Jake:
Why is he [Charlie] dating a judge? Is he trying to get out of something?

Alan:
No, more like he's trying to get into something.

Jake:
Good one.

Alan:
You understood that?

Jake:
Not really. That's how I knew it was good.

[Alan is naked besides a towel around his waist, and two clippers on his nipples]

Alan:
Charlie?

Charlie:
What?

Alan:
I need your help.

Charlie:
If you're doing the laundry, all I can say is you're doing it wrong.

Alan:
No, no, the, uh, the lady I've been seeing, you know, uh, Linda's friend, Donna? Uh, she wants to, how shall we say, take it up a notch.

Charlie:
Yeah, so?

Alan:
I'm out of notches.

Charlie:
Fine, what do you need?

Alan:
A younger man's penis.

Rose look-alike #3:
[knocks on the door]

Charlie:
Oh, for God's sake. Who is it?

Rose look-alike #3:
Room service, señor.

Charlie:
We didn't order anything.

Rose look-alike #3:
Uh, champagne, compliments of the hotel.

Charlie:
Can you slip it under the door?

Charlie:
Everyone's using old rock songs now. They're not gonna hire a guy like me to write a jingle for tampons when they can just play "Stuck in the Middle With You".

Berta:
One thing's for sure working for Mr. Charles Roscoe Harper--

Alan:
His middle name isn't Roscoe--

Berta:
Who's telling the story?!

Alan:
Continue.

Berta:
Anyway, what I've learned is God takes care of drunks and fools, and C. Roscoe Harper is both. [leaves]

Alan:
His middle name is Francis.

Alan:
You're-- you're living in a dream world! Money doesn't just fall from the sky.

Charlie:
Obviously, you've never been sitting ringside when a pole dancer hangs upside down.

Jake:
Hey, Dad, did you get a present when you got divorced?

Alan [rings Judith's doorbell]:
A present?

Jake:
Yeah, a memento of your time together.

Alan:
Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

Jake:
So you were too cheap to get her earrings.

Alan:
She did better than earrings. She got my family jewels.

Berta:
Who's he [Alan] listening to?

Jake:
Bucket of Hate.

Berta:
They're good. Reminds me of early Who.

Jake:
Who?

Berta:
Yeah.

Jake:
What?

Berta:
Band called "Who".

Jake:
Bucket of Hate.

[Charlie and Jake have snuck in through Jake's window and Alan has found them.]

Alan:
[to Jake] Do you have any idea how much trouble you're in?

Charlie:
I do not. Do you have any idea how beautiful you look in that light?

Alan:
I'm not talking to you.

Charlie:
Yeah, well, I'm not talking to you either, except for right now, this is me talking to you, but, no longer. [makes pop sound]

Alan:
Would you please just... go to sleep?

Charlie:
Okey-dokey. [grabs pillow and goes out of view]

Alan [to Jake]:
You and I have some talking to do.

Charlie:
Will you make up your freaking mind?

[Charlie is hungover and still lying in bed.]

Alan:
Charlie, wake up. You need to see this.

Charlie:
Can I throw up in it?

Alan:
No.

Charlie:
Then I don't need to see it.

[Jake tries to sneak out of his bedroom window at Judith's house]

Jake:
Where are we going?

Alan:
You're going back to your room. And I'm going back to the sweet land of vindication.

Charlie:
I came to apologize. I am sorry about last night.

Linda:
You're sorry? For ruining one of the most important nights of my career? For embarrassing me within an inch of my life?

Charlie:
Ooh, yeah! I mean, unless I did something else.

Linda:
No, you did quite enough, thank you.

Charlie:
Look, I understand why you're mad, but it really wasn't my fault. I was nervous about last night so my mother gave me what I assumed was one of her tranquilizers. But now I'm thinking it was a little something she had left over from Woodstock.

Alan:
Look, don't worry, you'll grow into it.

Jake:
Why couldn't I get clothes that fit now?

Alan:
Yeah, well, quit going through puberty and we'll talk about it.

Jake:
Quit bein' so cheap and we'll talk about it! [leaves]

Alan:
Hey, hey, watch your mouth!

Charlie:
Hard to punish him for telling the truth.

Alan:
So I can't even have one stupid thing in this house?

Charlie:
Hey, leave Jake out of this.

Charlie:
What I'm saying is, you got nothing to complain about. You got your food in my refrigerator, your car in my garage, and your stupid flowered towels in my guest bathroom!

Alan:
Hey, those towels are very pretty! They brighten up the whole room!

Charlie:
They're gay, and they scream "civil union"!

Alan:
They do not!

Charlie:
"We're here, we're queer, dry your hands on us!"

Charlie:
I thought I made it perfectly clear: I don't want this stupid bowl in my living room.

Alan:
No, you said you didn't want it on the front table for keys, so I put it on the coffee table for candy.

Charlie:
Well, now it's on your head for a hat.

[puts the bowl on Alan's head]

Alan:
Before we got here, this was just a big empty space where you just sat around, got drunk, and had casual sex with women you don't even care about.

Charlie:
There's a word for that, Alan: "Utopia"!

[Alan and Jake move in with Evelyn after Charlie kicks them out]

Teddy:
Oh, great. Now we have to put on clothes for breakfast.

Evelyn:
That's the least of our problems. All our leather gear is in the guest room.

Charlie [singing on TV]:
He's a little boy, he is not a toy, don't shake-shake-shaaaake the baby!

Alan:
When did you become the king of kids' songs?

Charlie:
When did you become the Federal Trade Commission?

Charlie [singing]:
I drink from a sippy cup, sippy cup, sippy cup I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!

I drink from a sippy cup 'cause I'm a big kid now

Bye-bye boobies, bye-bye boobies

bye-bye boobies 'cause I'm a big kid now!

TV commercial:
Call now and you'll also receive a bonus Charlie Waffles scratch and sniff poster! It smells just like maple syrup!

Alan:
What? They couldn't make it smell like bourbon?

Charlie:
Who loves kids?

Kids:
Charlie Waffles!

Charlie:
Right!

[Charlie turns off the TV]

Charlie:
That's it, what do you think?

Alan [after staring in disbelief]:
I'm going back to bed.

Charlie [to Jake]:
What about you?

Jake:
You couldn't have TiVo'd this?

Charlie:
Hey, Charlie Waffles may love kids, but he's getting pretty sick of you!

Charlie:
Hey, Alan, I figured out what went wrong in seventh grade!

Alan:
What?

Charlie:
I hadn't started drinking yet! [walks in drunk]

Alan:
Charlie, you have to get out there.

Charlie:
Right, the little bastards await.

Alan [to Artie]:
You can't sue him if he just stinks, right?

Charlie:
[plays a little bit then burps as kids laugh] That one's not on the CD! Let's do this again!

Alan:
They love him! How can they love him?

Artie:
Who cares? We're gonna make a fortune!

Alan:
Doesn't it bother you that he's loaded?

Artie:
He's a musician. It'd bother me if he wasn't.

Teddy:
To Evelyn.

Everyone:
Hear, hear.

Charlie:
That poor clueless bastard.

Alan We're gonna stay, congratulate the happy couple, mingle a bit, and then I'm gonna fake a migraine.

Charlie:
You can do that?

Alan:
Oh, yeah! I spent twelve years watching my wife fake migraines and orgasms.

Alan:
What kind of man would hit on his future step-sister?

Berta:
You're just making it hotter for him.

Charlie:
But I restrained myself. I walked away, and now I can still look Teddy in the eye.

Alan:
That's... that's great, but how come you have no problem looking me in the eye after sleeping with my wife's sister, my son's teacher, my divorce lawyer, and my old receptionist?

Charlie:
I like Teddy. And the receptionist was your fault.

Alan:
How?

Charlie:
If you'd paid her a decent salary, she wouldn't have had to hook.

Charlie:
How could you take the fall for me?

Alan:
I don't know, but it always seem works out that when you get laid, I get screwed!

Gabrielle:
So, you are a "seek-list"?

Alan:
A what?

Gabrielle:
A "seek-list"? You know, with your "bee-seek-el"?

Alan:
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, I'm very passionate about, uh... "bee-seek-ling". I, I-- I even have a stationary "see-kel".

Gabrielle:
Ah. [giggles]

Alan:
I-- I also jog, and, uh, ab crunch, and of course, "Les... Buns of Steel".

Charlie:
Nice, huh?

Alan:
Nice? She's magnificent!

Charlie:
You should see her naked.

Alan:
Can I?

Charlie:
Well, I could show you pictures, but you may not wanna see that much of me.

Alan:
Just out of curiosity, where do you find women like that? And-- and more importantly, how do you get them to go to bed with you?

Charlie:
You really wanna know?

Alan:
Yeah, what-- what's your secret?

Charlie:
Well, see Alan, it's like this. I got a knack.

Alan:
[moment of silence] That's not a secret.

Charlie:
I didn't think so, but you asked.

Alan:
So that's it, you got a knack?

Charlie:
Hey, everybody's good at something. You, for instance... [stares at Alan] have no shame.

Alan:
Excuse me, this is what they wear in the Tour de France.

Charlie:
Alan, I just took a Tour de France, and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.

Alan:
So, uh, how was school this week?

Jake:
OK.

Alan:
Anything noteworthy happen?

Jake:
No.

Charlie:
I thought you said he got dumped!

Alan:
I was easing into it.

Charlie:
Oh, good idea. Go ahead.

Alan:
Jake, sooner or later every guy gets dumped.

Charlie:
Some guys get dumped sooner and later, right, Alan? [Alan stares at him] Sorry, I should have eased into that.

Alan:
I don't care. I got her [his high school girlfriend] number off the Internet and I'm calling her.

Charlie:
When are they gonna invent a phone with a breathalyzer lock?

Judith:
Hey, honey, how's it going?

Jake:
Great. Uncle Charlie's a genius!

Judith:
Good, good. [to Alan] You said you talked to him.

Alan:
I did.

Judith:
Then why is Uncle Charlie a genius?

Alan:
'Cause he never got married. [slams door in Judith's face] Oh, that's gonna come back to bite me in the ass. [he hears a knock on the door] And here it comes, jaws-a-snappin'. All right, I'm sorry! [he opens the door, but Gabrielle is there instead]

Gabrielle:
Why are you sorry?

Alan:
I just find it's easier that way.

Charlie:
Hey.

Alan:
Hey.

Charlie:
How'd it go with Gabrielle?

Alan:
I think you know how it went.

Charlie:
Yeah, I do. It's kinda like necrophilia, isn't it?

Alan:
I didn't go through with it.

Charlie:
Really?

Alan:
Guess we're different that way. (pause) So... I didn't really steal her from you, did I?

Charlie:
Nope.

Alan:
You were trying to get rid of her the whole time, weren't you?

Charlie:
Yep. But I didn't want to hurt her feelings. Thanks for helping me out with that.

Alan:
Well, at least now we're even, right?

Charlie:
Not quite.

Alan:
What do you mean?

Charity:
(appears) Charlie. Are you coming back to bed?

Alan:
Charity? Charity Kirschenbaum?

Charity:
Oh, hi, Alan. Long time no see.

Alan:
Yeah. 20 years.

Charlie:
She looks great, doesn't she? Come on, baby.

Alan:
But, but, but...

Charlie:
Now we're even. (leaves with Charity; Alan gets enraged to the point where he says...)

Alan:
[yelling from distance] I... HATE... YOOOOOOOOUUUU!

(Alan and Donna just had sex)

Donna:
Wow, that was just lovely.

Alan:
I do aim to please.

Donna:
And after last time, I appreciate the aiming. (looks at watch) Hey, we made good time. I can let the babysitter go early.

Alan:
The key is efficient foreplay. Minimal attention to each breast before i (pause) Meander to your Dander. Spoon?

Donna:
Sure.

(Alan and Donna spoon and sigh)

Alan:
And switch. (Alan and Donna spoon to the other side and sigh again)

[Charlie is watching a boxing match with Jake, who is unimpressed]

Jake:
Boxing sucks.

Charlie :
As always, you're entitled to your stupid opinion.

Jake:
Why are you making it personal? I didn't make it personal. In ultimate fighting, they kick, they elbow, they get a guy down and smash his head on the floor. These guys just dance around and barely hit each other.

Charlie:
OK, OK, listen to me. Boxing is a science. Boxers don't just wail on each other. They strategize, feel each other out, wait for an opening.

Jake:
Gay. What's with the little pillows on their hands? Even if they hit each other,it wouldn't hurt. (Charlie hits Jake in the arm with a pillow) Ow!

Charlie:
Oh, does that hurt?

Jake:
Yeah.

Charlie:
Good. (Alan appears)

Alan:
Hey, what are you doing?

Jake:
Uncle Charlie hit me.

Charlie:
Good. Where have you been?

Alan:
I'll... I'll tell you later.

Jake:
Tell him now. I got better things to do. (leaves)

Charlie:
You promised he'd grow on me.

Alan:
I lied.

Charlie:
So, how was you and Donna?

Alan:
It was okay. It may not have been crazy-hot monkey sex like when we first started dating, but it was very much in the general category of, uh, jungle humping.

Charlie:
Jungle humping?

Alan:
Yes. Maybe not, you know, tree swinging, but certainly canoodling on some low-hanging branches.

Charlie:
You poor bastard.

Alan:
Don't you dare feel sorry for me! This is what an adult relationship looks like, Charlie. People get comfortable with each other and they develop a routine. And if it's not always fireworks and explosions, well, that's a reasonable trade for a warm, collegial partnership.

Charlie:
You poor, poor bastard.

Alan:
This conversation is over. (storms off)

Charlie:
If only.

Alan:
(reappears) Okay, it's boring! It's suffocating! It's a deathwatch! But what choice do I have, Charlie? Pretend I'm you? I'm not you.

Charlie:
I'm a monogamous, settle-down kind of guy who hangs on to a relationship until I'm looking at divorce papers or the pointy end of a steak knife.

Alan:
Oh, that's a load of crap.

Charlie:
You're just afraid if you let go of one of these broads, you're never going to get laid again.

Alan:
Didn't I just say that?!

Charlie:
I once handed a date my Visa so she could pump gas for me, and in my next statement, there were charges for a boob job and a PlayStation 3. And I never got to play with either one of them.

Charlie:
You clear on everything I told you?

Alan:
Yes, yes, I'm gonna go to her house, pick her up, take her to the restaurant--

Charlie:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Pick her up? You're supposed to meet her there.

Alan:
Why?

Charlie:
What do you mean, "why"? You're gonna break up with her and then drive her home? You'll need the Jaws of Life to get her out of your car.

Alan:
You didn't say anything about that.

Charlie:
It's common sense. You know why Custer and Sitting Bull didn't share a pony to Little Big Horn? Because they knew there were gonna be some hurt feelings and the ride home would be awkward!

Charlie:
How can a kid with such lousy taste in pizza and movies have such good taste in girls?

Jake:
She is kind of cute.

Charlie:
Why don't you go talk to her?

Jake:
I don't know what to say.

Charlie:
That's never stopped you from running your mouth before!

Charlie [after getting pepper-sprayed by a woman at the pizza restaurant]:
It's worse than the potpourri!

Jake:
You really want to do something with me?

Alan:
Yes!

Jake:
How about if you drive me to the mall so I can see a movie with my friends and you pick me up when we're done?

Alan:
And... what am I supposed to do all that time?

Jake:
Well, if I were you, I'd go to Les Girls Girls Girls.

[Charlie walks into the kitchen]

Charlie:
Who's going to Les Girls Girls Girls?

Alan:
Nobody.

Charlie:
Too bad. Daytime's better. Dancers are a little worse for wear but they try harder.

[Charlie is on the couch, sick]

Charlie:
Hello? Anybody here? Anybody gonna take care of good old Charlie? OK, then. [picks up the phone] Time to scrape the bottom of the barrel. [on the phone]: Mommy, I don't feel good!

Evelyn:
Charles, don't tell me you've got a case of the Bangkok Drippy-Drip. [to her pedicurist]: No offense.

Charlie:
No, it's either a cold or a flu

Evelyn:
And this concerns me how?

Charlie:
I thought you could make me some soup or put a cold wet cloth on my head.

Evelyn:
Oh darling, I'd love to, but, unfortunately, Mommy's sick too

[Evelyn holds her phone up to the pedicurist, who is coughing violently due the the nail polish}

Charlie:
That does sound bad.

Evelyn:
Oh, it is.

Pedicurist:
[In Thai, subtitled] I hate painting the hooves of this white she-bitch.

Charlie:
What was that?

Evelyn:
Oh, just my delerious fever babble. Bye dear.

[hangs up]

Rose:
What are you doing?

Charlie:
Nighttime cold medicine and Scotch. I call it the "Drunken Hulk".

Rose:
The truth is, I just love feeding him, cleaning him, changing him...

Alan:
You're changing him?

Berta:
You're cleaning him?

Jake:
You know, if you stop feeding him, you won't have to change him.

Rose:
I don't mind. I'm a loving nurturer.

Jake:
Uncle Charlie says you're a crazy stalker.

Rose:
Potato, pot-ah-to.

Cynthia:
Hi, Jake! Look how big you're getting!

Jake:
It's called "puberty".

Charlie:
It's called "doughnuts".

Jake:
Doughnuts don't make hair.

[Herb is gardening]

Charlie:
How do you feel about bushes, Herb?

Herb:
Well... I like a full bush. The way God intended.

Charlie:
I like 'em trimmed.

Alan:
Judith said Cynthia wouldn't go out with me, and she was wrong, so, [high-pitched]: ha!

Charlie:
Hey, I told you she would go out with you.

Alan:
And you were right, sir! I ignore you at my own peril when it comes to women, liquor, and venereal disease.

Charlie:
Huh. So you're saying Farmer Herb's tilling soil you couldn't even get your hoe into.

Alan:
M-- My hoe?

Charlie:
Yeah, you know with an "e"? "Hoe"?

Alan:
What's his [Herb's] secret? How does he do it?

Berta:
Maybe he's got a big trouser monkey.

Alan:
Have you been listening this whole time?

Berta:
Wouldn't you?

Alan:
You think she's right? You-- you think he's just... well-endowed?

Charlie:
Could be. He's about six-four, got big hands... if everything else is proportional, I'm guessing he could ring doorbells with that thing.

Alan:
You're not helping.

Charlie:
I rarely do.

Charlie:
How much you looking to spend?

Alan:
Uh, well, as you know, I am a bit of a bargain hunter.

Charlie:
Yeah, but unfortunately, they don't stock hookers at the 99-cent store.

Alan:
Did you make the call?

Charlie:
Here. Her name's Alexis. She's expecting to hear from you.

Alan:
Ooh, Alexis... that-- that's a pretty name.

Charlie:
They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never meet a hooker named "Maude".

Jake:
You and me are having dinner with them [Milly and her mother] on Friday, so you can catch up.

Charlie:
You and me.

Jake:
Just don't clock block me, OK?

Charlie:
"Clock block" you?

Jake:
That's not it?

Charlie:
No, that's not it.

Rose:
You're waiting for a prostitute?

Alan:
No.

Rose:
Oh, Alan, that's not like you.

Alan:
Yeah, well, when you've had your heart broken enough times and you can't even bear the thought of having an emotional connection with another human being, what else is there to do?

Rose:
A lot of people masturbate, I hear. Really, I've heard them.

Alan:
Nevertheless, sometimes a man needs to feel something other than his own touch.

Rose:
Have you tried switching hands? It's like being with a clumsy stranger.

Jake:
So, Milly, do you play dodgeball?

Milly:
No.

Jake:
I enjoy it quite a bit, 'cause it's just man against man, but with big red balls.

Charlie:
Ix-nay on the alls-bay.

Jake:
What?

Charlie:
Just don't say "balls".

Jake:
I think competitive eating really changed when that Japanese guy started wetting the hot dog buns. I actually figured out that trick myself... by accident.

Waiter:
Can I bring you anything else?

Charlie:
Yeah, get me a bottle of Scotch, a taxi, and a smarter kid.

Alan:
Ha-have you ever seen him [Charlie] act this way before?

Berta:
Well, when Viagra first came out, I thought he was gonna die. You know how they say if your erection lasts more than four hours, you should call your doctor? He'd just call another girl.

Alan:
Oh, Charlie, don't you think you need to slow down a bit?

Charlie:
Why would I want to do that?

Alan:
Well, come on! Is-- is this lifestyle actually making you happy?

Charlie:
Let me answer that question with another question: Who would you rather be, you or me?

Alan:
You're kidding, right? You have two black eyes and you're perched on a scrotum cozy. [reluctantly]: You.

Alan:
Charlie, don't you see what's happening to you?

Charlie:
Nothing's happening, except that I offered to buy a policewoman a $500 martini!

Alan:
Well, then, I guess there's no point in my talking to you anymore.

Charlie:
All right. Then something good came of this.

Alan:
You're gonna get married?

Charlie:
Yep. Settle down, have a couple of kids, and ship the penis up to Cooperstown.

Alan:
Cooperstown?

Charlie:
It is my bat.

Alan:
Well, sounds like you've got everything figured out.

Charlie:
You don't ever figure this stuff out, Alan. You just take little baby steps on a lifelong path to becoming a better man.

Alan:
Uh-huh. How many pain pills have you taken?

Evelyn:
Courtney and your brother are helping me with the wedding arrangements.

Charlie:
It's your fifth wedding, Mom. What do you need help with, besides remembering the groom's name?

Evelyn:
You know, I'd cut him out of the will if I thought there was a chance he'd outlive me.

Jake:
When you marry my grandma, what does that make you to me?

Teddy:
Nothing.

Evelyn:
And I just want you to know, I'm not after your father's money.

Courtney:
I'm sure you're not.

Evelyn:
Believe me, I got plenty of my own money.

[Alan and Charlie are in the ladies' restroom]

Charlie:
What are you doing?

Alan:
I'm here, I figure, what the hell?

Charlie:
Just remember to put the seat back down.

Alan:
It's a ladies' room. Why do they even go up?

Charlie:
I don't know. It's a bigger target for broads who want to puke their dinner.

[Charlie enters the house late at night. Alan is sitting in the living room.]

Alan:
You were with her [Courtney], weren't you?

Charlie:
What are you, my wife?

Alan:
No, I'm the wedding planner.

[Jake takes a strawberry from the wedding cake]

Evelyn:
We don't eat from the cake until we cut the cake.

Jake:
But I'm still hungry.

Evelyn:
Have some cheese!

Jake:
Have we cut the cheese?

Charlie:
We've got a real problem here.

Berta:
What do you mean "we"? [walks away]

[Evelyn finds Teddy lying dead on Charlie's bed]

Evelyn:
You son of a bitch.

Alan:
So you weren't the one who was...

Evelyn:
Of course not. I already married the man! I just can't believe he'd cheat on me on our wedding day!

Courtney:
Excuse me, my father is lying here dead!

Evelyn:
With his pants around his ankles and lipstick on his hoo-hoo.

Berta:
So who do you suppose was smoking Teddy's sausage?

Courtney:
Berta, that is my father in there!

Berta:
OK, so who do you suppose was smoking your father's sausage?

[the crime scene investigators dim the lights in Charlie's room to check for semen]

Sloane:
My God!

Wes:
It's like a Jackson Pollock painting.

Charlie:
The ceiling fan's actually a cute story.

Sloane:
Jake, what I want to know is, were you in your uncle's room at any time today?

Jake:
No, I never go to my uncle's room.

Sloane:
Why not?

Jake:
'Cause all the skin mags are in my dad's room.

Alexis [the prostitute from "Winky-Dink Time", walking by in handcuffs]:
Hi, Alan.

Alan [to Evelyn after she stares at him]:
Hey, I'm not the one who's got a dead husband with someone else's lipstick on his dipstick.

[At the interrogating room, with red hair attractive cop player by Jamie Rose]

Charlie Harper:
That blouse is very distracting. Is that police issue?

Charlie:
I'll bet you're sorry you took all that LSD before you had him [Jake].

Alan:
I never took any LSD!

Charlie:
You might want to start telling people you did.

Jake [on The Taming of the Shrew]:
Dad, this is the wrong book.

Alan:
What are you talking about?

Jake:
It's in some sort of foreign language.

Alan:
It's Elizabethan.

Jake:
Well, can we get one in English?

Alan:
Walk.

Charlie:
You're angry and resentful. But what you need to understand is that resentment is the mortar that holds the bricks of loneliness together in a wall of alienation and despair. Chapter 3, "Knocking Down the Wall".

Alan:
Bite me. That's Chapter 1 in my forthcoming book entitled, Bite Me. Chapter 2 is called "Kiss My Pale White Ass".

Alan:
You're supposed to be finishing your report.

Jake:
I know, but I can't find the book.

Alan:
You're kidding! We-- we just bought it.

Jake:
What can I say, Dad? It's a big house and a little book.

Alan:
Find... the book.

Jake:
I'm really tired.

Alan:
Find... the book!

Jake:
Just saying it won't make it happen.

[Charlie walks into the house]

Alan:
FIND... THE... BOOK!

Jake [running]:
Heads up! He's losing it.

Alan:
I should have put frosting on the damn book! He's never lost anything with frosting on it!

Charlie:
I don't know why you get so worked up about it. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.

Alan:
A business of his own. Gee. that'd be swell.

Alan:
You're writing a report on The Taming of the Shrew, not The Voyages of Cap'n Crunch!

Jake:
Too bad. I could write the crap out of that.

Alan:
OK... [sighs] I'm not fooling around here. You are gonna finish this damn book and write the damn report, and you're gonna hand it in on Monday, spell-checked, formatted, and on freakin' time!

Jake:
I have my doubts, Dad.

Charlie:
So what do I owe you?

Dr. Freeman:
Well, I get $200 an hour, you were here for five minutes, so why don't we just round it off and say $200?

Charlie [sighs]:
Man. Even hookers prorate.

Dr. Freeman:
Hookers don't have to listen to you, Charlie. Good-bye.

Alan:
Why aren't you studying for your algebra final?

Jake:
'Cause I don't have to.

Alan:
You don't have to study algebra.

Jake:
Nope. All I gotta do is get a 67 to pass the course, and then it's adiós seventh grade, arrivederci eighth.

Alan:
OK, we can cross "UN interpreter" off the job list...

Evelyn:
We're at the same theater! What a happy coincidence!

Charlie:
Yeah, just like Booth and Lincoln.

Berta:
What's bugging you, Zippy? Your blow-up doll run off with a pool toy?