Wikidude's Quotes Page #221

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Hacker:
The National Health Service, Humphrey, is an advanced case of galloping bureaucracy!

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, certainly not galloping. A gentle canter at the most.

Yes, Minister, Series Two (1981)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Jim Hacker and Maurice, the EEC Commissioner, are having a meeting to discuss the EEC plans to name British sausages 'emulsified high fat offal tubes':
]

Hacker:
One of your officials pays farmers to produce surplus food, while on the same floor, the next office is paying them to destroy the surpluses.

Maurice:
That is not true!

Hacker:
No?

Maurice:
He is not in the next office, not even on the same floor!

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Hacker, Humphrey and Chief Whip Jeffery are talking about Hacker's campaign on Prime Ministership ]

Hacker:
But supposing somebody would say "Does that mean you refuse to stand?" You know how these media people try to trap you.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, Minister, it's not my place, but on previous occasions, a generally acceptable answer has been "While one does not seek the office, one has pledged oneself to the service of one's country. And if one's friends were to persuade one that that was the best way one could serve, one might reluctantly have to accept the responsibility, whatever one's own private wishes might be."

Hacker:
[taking notes] "...private wishes might be." yes, I think I've got that.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
How are things at the Campaign for Freedom of Information?

Sir Arnold:
I'm sorry, I can't talk about it.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
[Talking about his promotion] The relationship which I might tentatively venture to aver has been not without some degree of reciprocal utility and perhaps even occasional gratification, is approaching a point of irreversible bifurcation and, to be brief, is in the propinquity of its ultimate regrettable termination.

Hacker:
... I see.

Sir Humphrey:
I'm... on my way out.

Hacker:
What?

Sir Humphrey:
There comes a time when one has to accept what fate has in store. When one passes on.

Hacker:
[horrified] Passes on!?

Sir Humphrey:
To pastures new, perhaps greener, and places oneself finally in the service of one who is greater than any of us.

Hacker:
Humphrey... I'm so sorry.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, thank you, Minister.

Hacker:
Does Lady Appleby know?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, she's suspected it for some time, apparently.

Hacker:
When did they tell you?

Sir Humphrey:
This afternoon.

Hacker:
How long did they give you?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, just a few weeks...

Hacker:
[horrified] A few weeks!?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, it'll give me enough time to sort everything out.

Hacker:
[his eyes filling with tears] Oh Humphrey, you're so terribly brave.

Sir Humphrey:
Well, one is a little anxious of course. One is always rather wary of the unknown, but I have faith somehow I'll muddle through.

[Hacker takes his handkerchief out of his pocket and begins to cry into it]

Sir Humphrey:
Minister, what is the matter?

Hacker:
I am sorry, Humphrey. Just, well we had our ups and downs.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh Minister, do not take on so. We will still be seeing one another regularly. Yes, once a week at least.

[Hacker looks up, aghast]

Hacker:
What??

Sir Humphrey:
I have not told you where I am going yet. I have been appointed Secretary to the Cabinet.

Hacker:
Secretary to the Cabinet?

Sir Humphrey:
What did you think I meant?

Hacker:
I thought, I..., I....

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
Bernard, what would you say to your present master as the next Prime Minister?

Bernard:
The Minister?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

Bernard:
Mr Hacker?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

Bernard:
As Prime Minister?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes.

[Bernard checks his watch]

Sir Humphrey:
Are you in a hurry?

Bernard:
No; I'm just checking to see it wasn't April the First.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Arnold:
So, will our next Prime Minister be our eminent Chancellor or our distinguished Foreign Secretary?

Sir Humphrey:
That's what I wanted to ask you, which do you think it should be?

Sir Arnold:
Hmmm. Difficult, like asking which lunatic should run the asylum.

Sir Arnold:
Have we any allies?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, quite a few yes; the Chief Whip, particularly. But he's worried that whichever gets the job will antagonise the other's supporters and split the party.

Sir Arnold:
So we're looking for a compromise candidate.

Sir Humphrey:
Hmm. Malleable.

Sir Arnold:
Flexible.

Sir Humphrey:
Likeable.

Sir Arnold:
No firm opinions.

Sir Humphrey:
No bright ideas.

Sir Arnold:
Not intellectually committed.

Sir Humphrey:
Without the strength of purpose to change anything.

Sir Arnold:
Someone who you know can be manipula— professionally guided.

Sir Humphrey:
And leave the business of government in the hands of the experts.

[Long beat as Sir Arnold and Sir Humphrey slowly realise Hacker is the perfect candidate. They catch each other's eye and burst into uproarious laughter.]

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Discussing possible reasons for the Prime Minister's early retirement]

Bernard:
Minister, I've heard something quite different.

Hacker:
What?

Bernard:
That there is £1 million worth of diamonds from South Africa in a Downing Street safe, but of course it's only a rumour.

Hacker:
Is that true?

Bernard:
Oh, yes.

Hacker:
So, there ARE all those diamonds in Downing Street!

Bernard:
Are there?

Hacker:
You just said there were.

Bernard:
No, I didn't.

Hacker:
Yes, you did! You said you'd heard this rumour, I said is it true, you said yes!

Bernard:
I said yes, it was true that it was a rumour.

Hacker:
You said you heard it was true!

Bernard:
No, I said it was true that I heard it!

Annie:
I'm sorry to cut into this important discussion, but do you believe it?

Hacker:
I believe I heard it. Oh, about the diamonds. No.

Annie:
Is it impossible?

Hacker:
No, but it's never been officially denied. First rule in politics: never believe anything until it's officially denied.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Bernard is waiting at the Hackers' flat for the Minister to come home]

Annie Hacker:
He's obviously been held up. You can stamp some of these cards for me while you're waiting if you like.

Bernard Woolley:
Oh, but aren't they to constituents?

Annie:
Yes.

Bernard:
Well, that's not government business, Mrs Hacker, that's political activity. I'm not allowed to help with the Minister's political activities.

Annie:
Suppose they were all to journalists?

Bernard:
Oh, that would be alright.

Annie:
They're all to journalists.

Bernard:
Fine. I suppose licking is an essential part of relationships with the press.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[The EEC wants to standardise sausages, and it turns out British bangers are not up to the standard]

Hacker:
By the end of next year, we shall be waving good-bye to the good old British sausage, and we'll be forced to accept some foreign muck like salami or bratwurst or something in its place.

Bernard:
They can't stop us eating the British sausage, can they?

Hacker They can stop us calling it the sausage, though. Apparently, it's going to be called the "emulsified high-fat offal tube".

Bernard:
And you swallowed it?

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[The Home Secretary has been forced to resign after a drink-driving incident]

Hacker:
What will happen to him?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, I gather he was as drunk as a lord. So, after a discreet interval, they'll probably make him one.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Minister.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jim Hacker:
Are you trying to say "Happy Christmas," Humphrey?

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
I wonder if I might crave your momentary indulgence in order to discharge a by no means disagreeable obligation which has, over the years, become more or less established practice in government service as we approach the terminal period of the year — calendar, of course, not financial — in fact, not to put too fine a point on it, Week Fifty-One — and submit to you, with all appropriate deference, for your consideration at a convenient juncture, a sincere and sanguine expectation — indeed confidence — indeed one might go so far as to say hope — that the aforementioned period may be, at the end of the day, when all relevant factors have been taken into consideration, susceptible to being deemed to be such as to merit a final verdict of having been by no means unsatisfactory in its overall outcome and, in the final analysis, to give grounds for being judged, on mature reflection, to have been conducive to generating a degree of gratification which will be seen in retrospect to have been significantly higher than the general average.

Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Omi:
I knew you would twice-cross me! So I twice-crossed you first!

Raimundo:
That's double-crossed, but I think we get the idea.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Dojo:
Boys and girls, let me tell you a story about these two dragon buddies. Always seen together, like peas and carrots.

Raimundo:
Is this story gonna be long or short?

Dojo:
It'll take as long as it takes!

Clay and Kimiko:
Long story.

Dojo:
One day, they have this spot. Angry wicked words were exchanged. Words? That could never taking back. And when it was old...these two friends...would never...speak..again. [sobs] It's funny. But I know even remember what the fight was about. [pause] Oh, wait. Now I remember. Chuck wanted to borrow my yo-yo. My favorite yo-yo. The treasure family yo-yo! I politely told Chuck know. But didn't live it that. NO! He snacked to my room and too many away! And then...he lost it. LOST IT! Well, they played dumb. Never set a word. Until one night I caught a talking asleep! The only time that scoundrel couldn't tell them truth! And he's gone. GOOD RIDDANCE TO YO-YO THIEF! [spits on Clay's dinner]

Clay:
Dojo, why'd you spittin' my food?

Dojo:
Oh. Sorry.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Dojo:
No winner!? What a rip-off! You wouldn't see this in the old days!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jermaine:
[After Jack gets the Manchurian Musca] Yo, Omi, you must be trippin'.

Omi:
I am not taking a trip!

Jermaine:
Your hotdogging cost us a Shen Gong Wu!

Omi:
Are you saying it is BECAUSE OF ME?!

Jermaine:
I'm saying, some poser may need a refresher course on how to be a Xiaolin warrior.

Omi:
A refresher course!? I should be TEACHING the refresher course!

Jermaine:
Man, you got an ego bigger than that dome of yours.

Omi:
Nothing is bigger than my dome! And I thank you to leave my dome OUT OF IT!

Jermaine:
Can you believe this guy man?

Dojo:
Hey, there are three things I've learned not to talk about. Religion, politics and Omi's head.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Omi:
Oh, thank you, Master Fung. I promise I will not let you up.

Master Fung:
Down.

Omi:
In every direction.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Clay:
How do you manage to win every game?

Omi:
That is most simple: I cheat. [they all look at him] No, no, I am a betrayer when I say I cheat.

Raimundo:
How do we know that you're not betraying us now, Omi?

Omi:
[seriously] Because, Raimundo, you are all my friends, and I could never betray my friends. [Laughs, knocking his head at the table] Ha ha ha, I have mastered deception! Let's play again!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Chase Young:
You have learned well, Omi.

Omi:
Well, I WAS taught by the best!

Chase Young:
Thank you.

Omi:
I was speaking of Master Fung!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Jack Spicer:
H-hey, hey! H-how'd you get all the way over here when...I...left you...over there?

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Omi:
I order you to spill your internal organs right now!

Jack:
[screamed] What kind of sick people are you!?

Raimundo:
I think he means spill your guts.

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Katnappé:
Four monks down and one whiny geek to go.

Jack:
I'M NOT WHINY!

Katnappé:
Woozy Shooter!

Jack:
Reversing Mirror!

Xiaolin Showdown, Season 2  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

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