[Mr. Parker accidentally flips the hubcap out of Ralphie's hands with the nuts in it]
Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Oh! For one brief moment, I saw all the bolts silhouetted against the lights of the traffic, and then they were gone.
Ralphie:
Ohhh, fffffuuuuuudge.
Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Only I didn't say "fudge." I said the word. The Big One, The Queen Mother of Dirty Words: The "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word.
Mr. Parker:
[stunned] What did you say?
Ralphie:
Uh, um--
Mr. Parker:
That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. [Ralph hesitates] Go on.
Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] It was all over; I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
[Ralphie gets into the car.]
Mrs. Parker:
Everything go alright?
[Ralphie doesn't answer.]
Mr. Parker:
[closes the trunk and checks his watch] Ah!
[Ralphie watches Mr. Parker gets into the car]
Mrs. Parker:
8 minutes.
Mr. Parker:
You know what your son just said?
Mrs. Parker:
No. What?
Mr. Parker:
I'll tell you what he said. Randy?
[He inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word in Mrs. Parker's ear]
Mrs. Parker:
[shocked] AHHHHHHHHHH!!!! RALPHIE!!!!
[scene switches to Ralphie with soap in his mouth]
Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Over the years, I got to be quite a connoisseur of soap. My personal preference is for Lux, but I found Palmolive had a nice, piquant after-dinner flavor; heady, but with just a touch of mellow smoothness. Lifebuoy, on the other hand--
Ralphie:
[disgusted] Yuck!
Mrs. Parker:
You ready to tell me?
Ralphie:
[mumbles and nods his head.]
Mrs. Parker:
[removes soap from his mouth] All right. Where did you hear that word?
Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least 10 times a day from my old man. My father worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But I chickened out, and I blurted out the first name that came to mind.
Ralphie:
Schwartz!
Mrs. Parker:
[satisfied] Oh... I see. [puts soap back in Ralphie's mouth]
Ralphie:
[yells with soap in his mouth]
Mrs. Parker:
[dials Mrs. Schwartz] Hello, Mrs. Schwartz? Yes, I'm fine. Um, Mrs. Schwartz, do you know what Ralph just said?
Mrs. Schwartz:
[indistinguishable]
Mrs. Parker:
No. He said... [inaudibly whispers the "F-Dash-Dash-Dash" word into the phone]
Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone] NO, NOT THAT!
Mrs. Parker:
Yes, that. Do you know where he heard it?
Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone] Probably from his father.
Mrs. Parker:
No! He heard it from your son!
Mrs. Schwartz:
[through phone, angrily screaming] WHAT?! WHAAAAAAT?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! [She is heard in the background smacking Schwartz, and Mrs. Parker covers her mouth in shock.]
Schwartz:
AAAAGH!!! WHAT'D I DO, MOM?! WHAT, I DIDN'T DO NOTHING!!!! AAAAAAAGH!!!!!! [Mrs. Parker winces as Schwartz screams and bawls in pain, with his mother shrieking and wailing in the process. she then puts the phone back and hangs up]
Ralphie as Adult:
[narrating] Another shot of mysterious, inexorable official justice.
Mrs. Parker:
[takes soap of Ralphie's mouth.] Rinse out and go to bed. Ooh, am I glad you finished your homework this afternoon, 'cause I want you getting right into bed, and I don't want to see any lights on. You are being punished, so no comic-book-reading. I'm gonna come in there, and if there are any lights on-- [shocked] W-- Don't you give me that look,you're gonna get it!
