All in the Family

Gloria:
Do you know that sixty percent of all deaths in America are caused by guns?

Archie Bunker:
Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?

Mike Stivic:
I just thank God I'm an atheist.

Mike Stivic:
You know, you are totally incomprehensible.

Archie Bunker:
Maybe so, but I make a lot of sense.

Mike Stivic:
Why couldn't they say "Buddha, bless you" in Chinese?

Archie Bunker:
Because they don't say that, that's why. If they say... Well, if they say anything at all, it's "Sayonara".

Mike Stivic:
That's Japanese.

Archie Bunker:
Same thing.

Mike Stivic:
It's not the same thing!

Archie Bunker:
What are you talking about? You put a Jap and a Chink together, you gonna tell me which is which?

Mike Stivic:
That's right, because I find out about them. I talk to them as individuals.

Archie Bunker:
Sure you talk to them. You say, "Which one of you guys is the Chink?"

Mike Stivic:
[yells] I don't believe this. He's making me crazy!

George Jefferson:
If he's gonna have the last laugh, I'm gonna have it first.

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
Get out of my chair, Meathead!

Archie:
Free treatment for VD. VD. Do you know what *that* means, Edith?

Edith:
oh, yeah. V-D day.

Archie Bunker:
Everyone I like stays the hell away from me.

Gloria Stivic:
Hi Dad, where's Ma?

Archie Bunker:
I don't know, she flew out of here like a dingbat outta Hell.

Archie Bunker:
You worse than that hebe congressman Sam Irving.

[Edith's high school is being torn down to build a grocery store]

Edith Bunker:
It won't be the same saying "I went to school there," while pointing at the A&P.

Archie:
Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

Edith Bunker:
We should take you to the doctor.

Archie Bunker:
No, I've already had one attempted robbery today.

Archie Bunker:
I got bigger fish to fly.

Archie:
God created the universe in seven days.

Edith:
Six days. On the seventh day he rested.

Archie:
Well only for a while then He looked over what He done.

Archie:
Where's my grandson?

Mike Stivic:
He's asleep.

Archie:
Well wake him up.

Mike Stivic:
He's tired.

Archie:
But every time I come over here the kid is either in bed, in the bath tub or on the pot.

Gloria Stivic:
Daddy, what I don't understand is how can the Duke be alive if he threw himself on a grenade?

Archie Bunker:
'Cause it was an Italian grenade. It was a dud like everything else them Pasta-Fazoos made.

Gloria:
You know, pizza's actually not from Italy. I read that Marco Polo discovered it in China and then brought it back to Italy.

Archie:
Leave it to a dago to go halfway around the world to get a take-home meal.

Archie Bunker:
What she done was wrong and she gotta be punished. For the next two weeks, no out after school. No out at all. If you find yourself having fun at something, stop it. And no delicious foods for three weeks. You only gotta eat the terrible foods that are good for you. And then no TV for a week. And the next week, and this is gonna be tougher: educational TV only.

[Edith hands Archie a beer on the left side instead of the usual right]

Archie:
What are you doing?

Edith:
I thought you might like it on this side for a change.

Archie:
Is it gonna taste better on this side?

Archie Bunker:
Go out and get me a beer.

Edith:
Can or bottle?

Archie:
We never buy bottles.

Archie:
Your honor, may I encroach the bench?

Mike Stivic:
I'll drive a truck, pump gas, collect garbage.

Archie:
Bingo. Start collecting the garbage off of the table.

Archie Bunker:
His chest is all puffed out like Raquel Walsh.

[repeated line]

Archie:
Button your face.

Archie:
You go off and leave me here with nobody home.

Edith:
Mike was here.

Archie:
Like I said, nobody was home.

Edith Bunker:
What are you fighting about?

Mike Stivic:
The Star-Spangled Banner.

Edith Bunker:
Did the singer forget the words again?

Archie Bunker:
In my bed I stay, 'til death us do part.

Archie Bunker:
A man should always listen to his wife.

Edith Bunker:
Archie, I...

Archie Bunker:
Dummy up.

Archie Bunker:
I tell ya, Edith, when a plumber's business goes into the toilet you're sitting pretty.

Edith:
Why don't you go out and finish dinner.

Mike Stivic:
Nah, I ain't hungry.

Edith:
Ya can't depend on nothing no more.

Edith Bunker:
I'm home. I'm home, Archie.

Archie Bunker:
Are you sure?

Mike Stivic:
What were you saying about colored families having no love?

Archie Bunker:
Why is it you can remember everything except how to work?

Mike Stivic:
In today's society, people throw things out because they don't work.

Archie Bunker:
Well you don't work, maybe we should throw you out.

Archie Bunker:
Silence is golden, so stifle thy self.

Fred Bunker:
[on the phone] Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat?

Harry Snowden:
You know, you ought to try that.

Archie Bunker:
You think so? [on the phone with Edith] Hello, sweetheart, how's my little pussycat? [pause] She hung up the phone.

Edith Bunker:
Mike is family.

Archie Bunker:
Gloria is family. What's standing behind me is an accident of marriage.

Archie Bunker:
You gotta grab the bull by the corns.

Edith Bunker:
Remember Sister Kate, Archie?

Archie Bunker:
That was that dumb movie about nuns starring Ingrid Bernstein.

Archie Bunker:
Edith, if you call me "Cute" one more time, I swear I'll open a vein.

Edith Bunker:
Maybe before I come to bed I should put on my socks.

Archie Bunker:
Maybe before you come to bed you should stick your feet in the oven.

Mike Stivic:
You eat my heart out. Little by little, bit by bit, you eat my heart out.

Archie Bunker:
I don't care.

Archie Bunker:
[commenting on a woman's perfume] It infiltrates the nosetrils.

Archie Bunker:
Say there, Rosemarie.

Stephanie:
Stephanie.

Archie Bunker:
Whatever.

Archie Bunker:
[telling the story of Samson] He took a jawbone from the grass and slew the Palestine army.

Archie Bunker:
We was like two ships that clashed in the night.

Archie Bunker:
You'd better start mixing toothpaste with your shampoo. You're getting a cavity in your brain.

Archie Bunker:
She ain't gonna saying nothing more because the smoke has given her an attack of, what do you call, laryngosis.

[Door bell rings]

Edith Bunker:
[Running] I'll get it!

Archie Bunker:
Geez Louise Edith, why do you have to charge the door like a German shepherd every time the bell rings?

Archie Bunker:
God can do anything! He can turn your jawbone into an ass!

Archie Bunker:
God don't make no mistakes, that's how He got to be God.

Mike Stivic:
We're going to see something you know nothing about: culture. [Shows him the art exhibit book]

Archie Bunker:
Oh ho ho, look at this. No wonder he's getting himself so excited, it's one of his own here: A Polack art exhibit.

Mike Stivic:
That's 'Pollock'. Jackson Pollock. He happens to be a great American artist.

Archie Bunker:
Well he sure paints Polish. Look at this: he splashes and smears the paint over everything here. What do you mean? A monkey could do that. A great American artist? There ain't a tree or a flag or a president in the whole damn book.

Mike Stivic:
I'd explain it to you, Arch, but first you'd have to move your brain ahead two centuries.

Archie Bunker:
Why don't you go take a short walk on a long pier?

Mike Stivic:
Ha, you can't even get that right! It's take a long walk off a short pier.

Archie Bunker:
Then do that.

Archie Bunker:
You're a regular Edgar Allen Polack.

Edith:
What has four legs, and flys?

Archie Bunker:
Two pairs of pants!

Mike Stivic:
You can't do that, Archie! That's largesse!

Archie Bunker:
I don't care if it's largesse, smallesse or any kind of esse!

Edith Bunker:
[Archie's in the bathroom] Archie! When are ya comin' out?

Archie Bunker:
Why, ya sellin' the house?

Edith Bunker:
You've been in there for 20 minutes.

Archie Bunker:
Who are you? The official time-keeper?

Edith Bunker:
What are ya doin' in there?

Archie Bunker:
I'm changing the tile. One more word out of ya and I ain't never comin' out!

Edith Bunker:
Don't ya like me bringin' home surprises?

Archie Bunker:
Geez, Edith... with you a surprise could be anything from a runaway horse to a Puerto Rican.

Mike Stivic:
Archie, if there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?

Archie Bunker:
If there is a God how come there's so much unhappiness in the world? Uh... uh... hey, Edith... If there *is* a God, how come there's so much unhappiness in the world?

Mike Stivic:
That's what's wrong with this country; nobody asks questions any more!

Archie Bunker:
Can I ask *you* a question?

Mike Stivic:
Sure.

Archie Bunker:
Why don't you shut up?

Gloria:
Oh, Daddy. You'd put ketchup on a doughnut.

Archie Bunker:
If it needed it.

Archie Bunker:
Like the Good Book says, "Let him who is without sin... be the rollin' stone."

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
You know somethin', Edith? You're a pip. You know that? A real pip.

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
Dummy up, dummy up!

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
Waaaaaaait a minute, waaaaaaait a minute, wait!

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
The Reverend Fletcher...

Edith Bunker:
Felcher.

Archie Bunker:
WHATEVER.

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
Get away from me!

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
Case CLOSED!

Archie Bunker:
I couldn't go to that thing even if I wanted to. We're supposed to be busy in here tonight.

Harry Snowden:
I can handle it. I think you should go to the school show.

Archie Bunker:
I hate school shows. I've hated school shows ever since I was this high. God, will I never forget. There was always some kid pounding a piano, and there was always some four-eyed sissy torturing a violin, a fat slob reciting "Trees", and then there was always the black kid singing, "My Yiddishe Mome".

Archie Bunker:
I hate entertainment. Entertainment is a thing of the past, now we got television.

Archie Bunker:
[after nearly destroying the kitchen while trying to cook a steak] Well, there's always Froot Loops.

Archie Bunker:
[Archie and Mike have just struggled to get a mattress out the kitchen door] From here on it's clear sailing. [Sound of a loud crash] I told you, Edith, to get them garbage cans to the curb!

Archie Bunker:
[Gloria sneezes on the phone] Don't be spraying into the phone there. You wanna give the three Jews the flu?

Mike Stivic:
You can't go to the hospital, you're sick.

Mike Stivic:
[Dialing the phone] What else? You only gave me six numbers.

Gloria Stivic:
No, I gave you seven numbers.

Mike Stivic:
One of those numbers was a sneeze. Do you see a sneeze on this dial?

Mike Stivic:
Arch, you still need evidence.

Archie Bunker:
What are you talking about? Look at all they put me through: look at the way I hurt all over. What about the sworn "testaphony" of your mother in-law, there? That's evidence, Buddy, we got a case and let me tell you something, a case like that could be worth 20, 25, 50 grand. I'm gonna make them mushroom people put their mouth where their money is.

Archie Bunker:
How am I supposed to take that?

Doctor:
Intravenously.

Archie Bunker:
Oh good, I can take anything off a spoon. I can't stand shots.

Doctor:
You may have botulism.

Archie Bunker:
What are you talking about? Nobody ever went crazy from eating mushrooms.

Doctor:
Any lassitude?

Archie Bunker:
No, she never puts any of that in the stew, only mushrooms.

Gloria Stivic:
Did you call Dr. Nelson?

Edith Bunker:
Yeah and he can't come, he says he don't feel well enough to make house calls. He says it sounds like both of you got the same thing,

Gloria Stivic:
Oh no, you mean Dr. Nelson is sick too? Well what did you tell him?

Edith Bunker:
I told him to take 2 aspirin and get plenty of rest.

Archie Bunker:
Just like that Ralph Nader, you're giving the whole country a pain in the butt.

Mike Stivic:
Arch, you ought to be grateful for Ralph Nader. Do you realize that before 1968 there were hardly any cars recalled for being defective? But in 1972 there were nearly eight million cars recalled?

Archie Bunker:
And do you realize that in 1974: who cares?

Archie Bunker:
Do you know how many brands of mushrooms are sold all over this here country?

Edith Bunker:
Oh, thousands.

Archie Bunker:
Alright, and how many cans do you think are bought?

Edith Bunker:
Millions.

Archie Bunker:
So what do you think the chances are of me getting the one bad can out of all them millions of cans? What is it? 100 to one.

Mike Stivic:
What is that? The new math?

Mike Stivic:
Now take it easy, don't panic.

Archie Bunker:
Will you stay out of this? Now take it easy, don't panic.

Mike Stivic:
I think we should check the cans and see what brand they were.

Archie Bunker:
Why don't you stay out of this? Edith, we gotta check the cans and see what brand they were.

Archie Bunker:
The bosses of that company ought to taste every mouthful of food before it leaves the factory.

Mike Stivic:
How are they going to do that?

Archie Bunker:
What do you mean how? Ain't you never heard of the olden days in the days of kings? The king used to have a special cook to taste the food. The cook dropped down dead, the king said, "See?" Then the king went back in the kitchen and made a sandwich for himself.

Archie Bunker:
Credit is the only thing that stands between us and Communism.

Archie Bunker:
what did archie say when he was walking out of the bank officer.s door?

Nurse:
You wanna stand up?

Archie:
Yeah sure. Okay. I feel right as rain. Tell 'em they can keep the ambulance in the garage.

Archie Bunker:
[Seeing a Chinese man at the blood bank] They're a yellow race.

Mike Stivic:
And so naturally they've got yellow blood? Look there's an Irish man with green blood. Hey look over there, there's Governor Rockefeller.

Archie Bunker:
Where?

Mike Stivic:
There, the guy with the blue blood.

Archie Bunker:
Well if all blood's the same, let me ask you this: how come they ain't got no Swedes in the mafia?

Mike Stivic:
What does that got to do with anything?

Archie Bunker:
Because your Italians got a lock on it. That's why. It's in their blood. Same way it's in your blacks' blood to do the 'scooby-dooby-doo'.

Archie:
[after seeing the bag filled with the blood he has just given] Is that mine?

Nurse:
Not anymore.

Archie Bunker:
I was in the war. The big war, you know. It was nice over there in Italy. Say, you wouldn't be one of them senoritas, would ya? You could be what with the dark hair and dark eyes and all.

Archie Bunker:
Not against His will.

[Points skyward]

Mike Stivic:
What does 'His will' have to do with it? Since when did He get into it?

Archie Bunker:
He was never out of it. When He calls, you gotta go.

Gloria Stivic:
Unless modern medicine saves you.

Archie Bunker:
It can't.

Mike Stivic:
Sure it can. It does all the time.

Archie Bunker:
That's when He wasn't really calling, but when He calls, you gotta go. He don't want no quack doctors down here trying to save you. It throws His schedule all off. If you throw off His schedule, when you get up there you gotta answer to him. He's gonna want to know from you, why you didn't come when you was called. Why you was late. And you also gotta answer to the guy whose heart you got. He's gonna want it back so you'll be walking around Heaven with a hole in your chest.

Archie:
They put a woman's heart in a man's body.

Mike Stivic:
So?

Archie:
So, it's hard enough for a man and woman to live together in the same house, never mind the same body.

Edith:
[playing Monopoly] Aw, I gotta go to jail.

Archie:
Make it solitary confinement.

Paul:
Every person knows that Homo Sapiens is a killer.

Edith Bunker:
Homo Sapiens. Is he an Arab?

Archie Bunker:
No, Edith. Homo Sapiens. That's a killer fag.

[Archie finds a swastika painted on the front door]

Edith:
Who did that?

Archie:
I don't know, Edith, the artist didn't sign it.

Boy Scout:
Hey Mister, you know you got your flag hung up wrong?

Archie Bunker:
Now listen, Boy Scout - you're talkin' to a veteran of World War II. This is the way we used to hang the flag on the fire.

Boy Scout:
You were doin' it wrong. The stars are supposed to go in the other corner. You want me to hang it the right way for ya?

Archie Bunker:
Uhhh, yeah yeah, all right. You could do that. But uh, listen - no tip, that ain't a good deed.

Boy Scout:
[picks up the flag off the hanger and notices the swastika painted on the door underneath] Hey Mister, you know you got a swastika on your door?

Archie Bunker:
Awwwww, sheeeesshhhh... gimme the flag, kid, now GET LOST, HAH?

Paul:
Shalom.

Edith Bunker:
Shalom? What does that mean?

Mike Stivic:
Believe it or not, Ma, it means "peace".

Gloria Stivic:
Jewish people also use it to say "hello" and "good-bye".

Edith Bunker:
How do you tell if they mean "hello" or "good-bye"?

Archie Bunker:
Simple, Edith, If a Jew is walking towards you, it means "hello". If he's walkin' away, it means "good-bye".

Edith Bunker:
When does it mean "peace"?

Archie Bunker:
In between "hello" and "good-bye".

[last lines]

Archie Bunker:
That's Paul. They blew him up in his car.

Irene Lorenzo:
Bless you, Archie. You're one of a kind. Thank God for that.

[Edith, Michael and Gloria are eating at the dinner table; Michael sighs]

Edith Bunker:
What's the matter, Mike?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
I don't know. Something's missing.

Edith Bunker:
Not enough salt?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Not enough Archie. It's too quiet around here.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Michael, don't tell me you like arguing with Daddy.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
I didn't say I like it, it's just I'm used to it. My body's used to it. When Archie's here, I eat better.

Edith Bunker:
Well don't worry, Mike, he's only working overtime tonight. Tomorrow he'll be home at his regular time, and I'm sure he'll get in a nice argument with you.

Edith Bunker:
I'll never forget the first time I made pot roast for your father. Only he wasn't your father then, we was just keeping company. I invited him to my house for dinner and I made him pot roast. And that was the first time he ever called me "dingbat."

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well that's awful, even if he didn't like your cooking.

Edith Bunker:
Oh, no, he loved it.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Then why'd he call you "dingbat"?

Edith Bunker:
Well in them days, Archie was too shy to call me "sweetheart" or "darling," so he called me "his little dingbat." [Smiling sweetly] And you know what, ever since then, no matter how mad he says "dingbat," I always hear a little "sweetheart" in it.

Archie Bunker:
Look at me. Work hard all my life and what do I have to show for it? This job could mean a thousand bucks a year extra for the two of us.

Edith Bunker:
Aw Archie, money ain't that important.

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, not to Rockefeller it ain't, 'cause he's got it.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Arch, when you were talking with Ma the other day about Manifest Destiny, did you mention the fact it was just another name for American imperialism?

Archie Bunker:
Hah?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
That's right. It was just an excuse to rip off other people's land. That's the way we stole Texas from Mexico.

Archie Bunker:
[Points his finger at Michael] Listen, Subversive. The U S of A never stole nothin' from nobody. The Mexicans was only too glad to give us Texas after we beat the hell out of 'em in a war.

Archie Bunker:
The Indians don't vote.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Archie, the Indians were given the vote in 1924.

Archie Bunker:
I ain't talking about that, I'm saying they don't use their vote, like a fellow told me. They sell all their horses for booze and then they can't ride into town.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
That is the *stupidest* thing I've ever heard.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[Opens a present from Gloria, reveals that it's a leather shoulder bag] Hey Gloria, this is great! [puts the bag over his shoulder] Just what I need to keep all my stuff in.

Edith Bunker:
Oh Archie, ain't that beautiful!

Archie Bunker:
Holy cow, a purse! Aw, that's just gorgeous there. [to Gloria] Did you buy him matching pantyhose?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
You're really sick.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Archie, this is a bag to carry things in. What's wrong with that?

Archie Bunker:
If you don't know buddy, I'll spell it out for you: "F-A-G FRUIT."

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
There you go again. Just because something looks a little bit different to you, you have to put a label on it, right?

Archie Bunker:
[affecting a lisp] Well, if the purse fithssss, wear it.

[Archie is delivering en editorial on a local TV station]

Archie Bunker:
[on TV] Good evening, everybody. This here is Archie Bunker of 704 Hauser Street, veteran of the big war, speaking on behalf of guns for everybody. Now, question: what was the first thing that the Communists done when they took over Russia? Answer: gun control. And there's a lot of people in this country want to do the same thing to us here in a kind of conspiracy, see. You take your big international bankers, they want to - whaddya call - masticate the people of this here nation like puppets on the wing, and then when they get their guns, turn us over to the Commies.

Edith Bunker:
Oh, Archie, I'm glad they put you on a stool, you look taller sitting down.

Archie Bunker:
[on TV] Now I want to talk about another thing that's on everybody's minds today, and that's your stick-ups and your skyjackings, and which, if that were up to me, I could end the skyjackings tomorrow.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
You could?

Archie Bunker:
[on TV] All you gotta do is arm all your passengers. He ain't got no more moral superiority there, and he ain't gonna dare to pull out no rod. And then your airlines, they wouldn't have to search the passengers on the ground no more, they just pass out the pistols at the beginning of the trip, and they just pick them up at the end! Case closed.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
That's incredible, Arch.

[Archie and Mike are arguing about gun control]

Archie Bunker:
All I know is, I'm an American and it's my right to pack a rod!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Bull!

Archie Bunker:
Whaddya mean, bull to the constitution?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
It doesn't say that in the constitution, Arch, I'll prove it to you! I got a copy in my history book!

Archie Bunker:
Look it up! It's right there in your Second Amendment!

Edith Bunker:
Oh, no, Archie, that's the one that says "thou shalt not make any graven image."

Archie Bunker:
That ain't the Constitution Edith. What you says is the Gettysburg Address.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, did you know that sixty percent of the people murdered in this country in the last ten years were killed by guns?

Archie Bunker:
Would it make you feel any better, little girl, if they was pushed out of windows?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, how can you be against gun control with all the assassinations? Look at it, the Kennedys and Martin Luther King. And what about the shooting of Governor Wallace?

Archie Bunker:
I'm saying maybe Governor Wallace wouldn't have gotten shot if he had a rod in his mitt!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
What?

Archie Bunker:
Because the Governor was there, he coulda shot first!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Archie, what would he be doing walking around in a crowd with a gun?

Archie Bunker:
What was the other bum doing in the crowd with the gun?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
That's ridiculous, Archie! You're talking about a human being who may be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life.

Archie Bunker:
Yes, and if that human being had a rod, then the other human being would be in the wheelchair!

Mr. Bradford:
How would you describe Mr. Grundy's drinking habits?

Archie Bunker:
He seldom buys.

Archie Bunker:
Don't bother the U.S.A. Government with the Constitution.

Mike Stivic:
Why? Afraid they're gonna read it?

Archie Bunker:
I'm against all the right things!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Thanks for the nightgown, Mrs. Lorenzo. I'm going to go upstairs and try it on now.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[Imitating Groucho Marx] I think I'll give her a hand.

Archie Bunker:
Get outta here.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
And then I'll give her the other hand.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Get outta here!

Archie Bunker:
I'M LOCKED IN THE CELLAR!

Archie Bunker:
[upon seeing Jean for the first time] Hey! You didn't tell me you was black!

Jean Duval:
You did not tell me you was white!

Archie Bunker:
That's what I keep telling my big, dumb Pollack son in-law.

Desk Sergeant:
Big, dumb what?

Archie Bunker:
Pollack.

Mike Stivic:
Say it louder, Arch, Sgt. Pulaski didn't hear you.

[after watching kids dance to Jesus Christ Superstar]

Archie Bunker:
The Lord wants you to come to him on your knees, not wigglin' and jigglin' 'til your parts fall off.

Edith Bunker:
I don't know why you're so upset, Archie. I remember when you use to picket.

Archie Bunker:
That was different, Edith. I was walking the picket line for my union. I wasn't out screaming in the street. When we picketed, we done it the American way, on the sidewalks, dressed nice, walking up and down with our signs. Peaceful, no violence.

Edith Bunker:
Except when somebody crossed the line, then you broke his head.

Archie Bunker:
It's the only way to teach a scab a lesson. That was not violence, Edith, that was education.

Archie:
Three Men in a Tub, they had a water shortage in them days. So everything in Fairyland was in threes, you know, except the dwarfs. There was seven of them 'cause they was little and the wolf was after them so the wolf came running after them and boy he had one hell of a breath. He blew down their house and they had to find another joint so they run through the woods and they run into Goldilocks and she took them all in to live with her and there's nothin' wrong with that because she was a nice girl and they're old anyway. So they got another house but the wolf came along and blew that one down too so then they run through the woods again and they come to a brick house and that belonged to Disney so they all moved in there and started working for him.

Archie:
[singing] London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, the Limeys built it wrong.

Gloria:
You just don't want to be alone with the baby 'cause you're afraid you might have to change him.

Archie:
You think I never changed you, little girl?

Gloria:
If I had waited for you to do that, I would've worn the same diaper since I was two. Ma told me that.

Archie:
Don't believe your mother, you believe me. Many is the time I changed you, little girl, and it wasn't always wee-wee. Sometimes it was this here.

[Holds up two fingers]

Gloria:
Well I never promised you a rose garden.

Archie Bunker:
What's this here?

Babysitter:
Baby oil.

Archie Bunker:
And how many table spoons are you supposed to give it?

Babysitter:
You rub it on, you don't feed it to them.

Archie:
[on the phone] No, no, I ain't got nothing against them people. I'm calling you from a home that used to be colored.

Archie:
[singing to baby Joey] Lullaby and goodnight, and with roses bedight. Whatever that means.

Babysitter:
Mr. Bunker, maybe you'd feel better if you sat for your grandson.

Archie:
I would but I have a poker game going on.

Babysitter:
Well what's more important: a poker game or your grandson?

Archie:
Don't be fresh.

Archie:
I don't want you reading these books here. Anthropology?

Babysitter:
Yes, the study of man.

Archie:
Well I don't want you studying THIS man.

Archie Bunker:
[to Baby Joey] When you're older, I'll be telling you fairy stories. No, not about them people.

Archie Bunker:
He's a strong kid there, this morning he bit right through a nipple. Luckily it was on a bottle or he could've hurt someone in the family.

Archie Bunker:
I never left Gloria alone when she was a baby. Wherever I went, I made sure Edith was with her.

Archie Bunker:
Don't let him turn over on his face or he'll wind up with a cauliflower nose.

[Describing a nightmare he had regarding organ donation]

Archie Bunker:
My hands was pickin' pockets... my feet was runnin' away from bank robberies... and my eyes was lookin' at hard pore cornography.

[after returning from the bathroom]

Archie Bunker:
Lemme tell ya, Edith, you can't really *buy* beer... you can only rent it.

Archie Bunker:
Now, thinking quick, I start giving her mouth to mouth restitution.

Archie:
So I was drivin' by Kennedy...

Edith:
Kennedy airport?

Archie:
No, Cape Kennedy. I'm looking for a flight to the moon.

Edith:
Archie learned how to save lives in the toilet at work.

Beverly La Salle:
Really? He saved mine in a cab.

Beverly LaSalle:
I'm a female impersonator.

Edith Bunker:
Oh. Ain't that smart. Who better to impersonate a female than a woman?

Beverly LaSalle:
I was just telling your wife that I'm no lady.

Archie Bunker:
How you earned this 50 is no business of mine.

Edith Bunker:
I ain't been so proud of you since Uncle Willie cut his finger carving the Thanksgiving turkey and you stopped the bleeding by tying it up with the string they used to tie up the turkey's you-know-what with.

Archie Bunker:
How can you do that all in one breath?

Beverly LaSalle:
I'm a transvestite.

Edith Bunker:
Could've fooled me. You ain't even got no accent.

Mike Stivic:
[Archie had saved the life of a female impersonator, unbeknownst to him] If you had known he was a man, what would you have done?

Archie Bunker:
I suppose I would've got a fag fireman.

Archie Bunker:
Now along comes this colored cop, see, and he wants to take over the mouth-to-mouth, but I'm thinking fast. I say no, I send him for the ambulance, you know, because if you give a person the wrong breath type, you could kill that person.

Archie Bunker:
[Mike comes over, wearing his bath robe] Are you moving back in or you just coming to visit in your Polish tuxedo?

Mike Stivic:
You'd be surprised how many married guys with kids are transvestites.

Archie Bunker:
How is it you know so much about these things? Let me see your underwear.

Archie:
...So I started giving her mouth to mouth restitution, there.

Archie Bunker:
[on the lawyer he hired] So what does their religion got to do with it?

Mike Stivic:
That's what we wanna know.

Archie Bunker:
Now look here, Mr. Liberal, you brought up their religion, not me. If they're good lawyers, for all I care they could be Chinks.

Archie Bunker:
You go back where you came from and send me a Jew.

[after Archie stuffs his breakfast into his pockets and leaves]

Mike Stivic:
That man is on something.

Gloria:
Bananas.

Edith:
He's on bananas?

Archie Bunker:
[Working a crossword puzzle] A four letter Italian word for "goodbye". Bang. B-A-N-G.

Manuel:
The piano, the refrigerator, everything was possessed and you got to go to Sicily to play the pin ball machine. This is a bad day for me.

Archie:
A bad day for you?

Manuel:
Yeah, I was going to ask you for a raise.

Archie:
Youse all seen a bar in a motel, right? But who the hell ever heard a motel in a bar?

Mike Stivic:
Arch, let me help you close up.

Archie Bunker:
No. To close up is to close down, to close down is to go out of business. Never close, stay open all the time.

Archie Bunker:
There's a gas station, only the pumps ain't pumping gas. See, they got a pump for scotch and a pump for bourbon. They also got a premium pump, little girl, and you know what the premium pump is for? Champagne.

Archie:
Manuel, you got the stuff?

Manuel:
Stuff?

Archie:
You know, the P-I-L-Z.

Archie Bunker:
Go take care of the bathroom wall.

Manuel:
What's wrong with it?

Archie Bunker:
The poem is back about the man from Nantucket.

Archie:
Business ain't too, what-do-you-call, quick on Friday nights.

Mike Stivic:
Why is that?

Archie:
Uh, nobody knows.

Barney Hefner:
I'm just on my way to the can.

Archie Bunker:
Hold it there, Barney! You come into my joint to use the can?

Barney Hefner:
I couldn't make it home from McFeeny's. I'm up to here in beer.

Archie Bunker:
Hold it, hold it there, Barney. So you take it on at McFeeny's and you let it out at Archie's. You're getting more like your dog Rusty every day.

Barney Hefner:
That is gross, Arch!

Archie:
Archie's Place. Fresh beer on tap. Family environment, we cater to straights.

[Edith discovers that Archie has been seeing another woman]

Edith Bunker:
I don't want to be a Bunker.

Archie Bunker:
If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

[Archie is apologising for seeing another woman]

Archie Bunker:
You got to believe me Edith, nothing was ever constipated.

Archie Bunker:
[at an art exhibit] Looks like half man, half toilet.

Edith Bunker:
[after finding out his chair broke, Archie throws a tantrem and lays across the dining room table] Archie you better be careful, I mean you wasn't this upset when you lost your father.

Archie Bunker:
I didn't sit on my father for 28 years!

Judge:
Mrs. Bunker, you're out of order.

Archie Bunker:
No, she ain't pregnant. Just my daughter.

Officer Gorsky:
Now you say the suspect was Caucasian?

Archie Bunker:
No, he was white. Well he could've had some colored mixed in him the way things are now adays. Yeah, he could've been one of them macaroons.

Judge:
How do you plead?

Archie:
Guilty with an explanation.

Judge:
What's the explanation?

Archie:
I ain't guilty.

Archie Bunker:
I'm up the creek in a boat with a hole.

Archie Bunker:
[Gloria comes home from work, and Mike greets her with hugs and kisses] Look at them two over there. Can't yous two come up for air?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, I haven't seen him all day.

Archie Bunker:
You want to see him, open your eyes and step back.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Be nice, Daddy. I worked hard today.

Archie Bunker:
So did I, little girl, but you don't see me comin' home and slobberin' all over your mother.

Edith Bunker:
No, that's right, Gloria. Your father was never much of a slobberer. He's more of a pecker.

Gloria Stivic:
[Mike has taken up embroidery] Lot's of men are doing hobbies like that.

Mike Stivic:
Yeah, Rosey Greer does needlepoint. Would you call him a fruitcake?

Archie Bunker:
There's no such thing as a colored fag.

Mike Stivic:
What?

Archie Bunker:
You don't believe me? Walk up to any colored guy and ask him, "Are you a fag?" Your tonsils will be wearing your mustache.

Archie Bunker:
Can't a man enter his own home without being surrounded by his family?

Archie Bunker:
In the Bible it says, "God made man in His own image." He made women after, from a rib, a cheaper cut.

Archie Bunker:
Equality is unfair.

Gloria Stivic, Edith Bunker, Irene Lorenzo:
What?

Archie Bunker:
That's right. What's the point of a man working hard all of his life trying to get someplace if all he's going to do is wind up equal?

Archie:
Well, Doctor, she's... B-L-A-K.

Doctor:
But her blood is R-E-D-D.

Archie:
[Fearing death prior to surgery] Now about the funeral...

Edith Bunker:
There ain't gonna be a funeral!

Archie:
Of course there's gonna be a funeral. What are gonna do? Put me out with the garbage?

Mike Stivic:
You got me, Ma, Gloria and Joey.

Archie Bunker:
Aw geez what a bunch that is: A meathead, A dingbat, a woman's lib and a bald headed kid.

Archie Bunker:
Let me tell you something else, wise guy, between Jerry Ford and Jerry Carter I know which way I'm going.

Mike Stivic:
Too bad you couldn't vote for your real favorite, Jerry Reagan.

Archie Bunker:
Don't talk that way about Ford. He's doing damn well for a guy that was hit in the head playing football.

Archie:
Edith, go set the alarm clock for 1997.

Edith:
You're gonna sleep for 20 years?

Archie:
If it was good enough for Rip Van Heussen...

Edith, Mike, Gloria:
Winkle.

Archie:
Alright, Winkle Van Heussen, then ipso fatso, it's good enough for Archie Bunker.

Gloria:
Look at him, Ma. Curled up like a fetus in the womb.

Archie:
I don't care what Ma's gonna feed us at noon.

Edith:
You should apologize to Harry.

Archie:
Apologize for what? For killing me? Did Abe Lincoln apologize to Alexander Graham Booth?

Gloria:
John Wilkes Booth.

Archie:
Don't repeat what I say.

Archie Bunker:
[Reading a comic book] Ha ha ha. Oh that Dennis. He really is a menace. Such a rotten kid I love him.

Hanlon:
Pills. We're living in a pill-oriented society. We try to dull our minds to find new thrills, to blot out the world of reality. Shameful.

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, well, I guess it is. What are you in the hospital for?

Hanlon:
I'm an alcoholic.

Hanlon:
You look too square to be a dope addict.

Archie Bunker:
Dope addict, geez I ain't that. I just took some medicine, that's all. You know, like how a doctor writes out a subscription there.

Archie Bunker:
The Lord can forgive me for being up to my butt in debts, but you Harry are going straight to hell for being up to your butt in b*obs.

Edith:
Archie, there's someone here to see you.

Archie:
If it ain't Alice Faye, tell him to get the hell out of here.

Edith Bunker:
Thank you for bringing over that portable TV.

Mike Stivic:
Is he watching it?

Edith Bunker:
Oh yeah, all day long. I just wish he'd turn it on.

Mike Stivic:
Don't worry about it, Ma, TV is better that way any way.

Archie Bunker:
For old time's sake, if I went up to the bath tub and caught a thousand legger, would you eat it?

Bummie Fensel:
Archie, I was 11 years old. I don't do that no more.

Archie Bunker:
Aw come on. Tell the truth, when was the last time you et a bug?

Bummie Fensel:
December 7, 1941.

Archie Bunker:
What kind was it?

Bummie Fensel:
A Japanese beetle.

Edith Bunker:
The first three days of a diet is always the hardest. But Mike and Gloria and are dieting too to keep you company. You know what they say, misery is the best company.

Archie Bunker:
I'll tell you something about misery - misery wants beer!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, you need exercise. So tonight after dinner, why don't you and Michael take a nice brisk evening walk?

Archie Bunker:
Are you kidding, an evening walk in this town? You walk to fast, the cops pick you up. You walk too slow, the muggers knock you down.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well, then skip.

Archie Bunker:
I do that and the fags are all over me.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
That's 'cause you're so pretty.

Archie Bunker:
Why is everybody worrying about me? I'm healthy as a horse. When I die, it ain't gonna be from nothing serious.

Archie Bunker:
[Belches after Edith asks him a serious question]

Edith Bunker:
Does that mean yes or no?

Archie Bunker:
[after listening to Quigley list all the activities he still enjoys] Whoopee!

Justin Quigley:
That too.

Archie Bunker:
Quigley, at your age, isn't sex down to a handshake?

Justin Quigley:
Yep. Before and after. In between it's still whoopee.

Edith Bunker:
[Talking about Kelsey's cooking] Oh Archie, he deep fries everything in that awful old oil.

Archie Bunker:
He changes his oil. About once every three thousand meals.

Edith Bunker:
Guess what? Old Mr. Bloomerer went west this morning.

Archie Bunker:
Don't say "went west." He died.

Edith Bunker:
No. He eloped to Albuquerque with his massage nurse.

Aunt Iola:
What's a massage nurse?

Archie Bunker:
A hooker with a thermometer.

[Archie and Edith arrive at the hospital. Archie is in blackface, having just appeared in a Minstrel Show. The information clerk stares at Archie]

Archie Bunker:
I just came from appearing in a Menstrual Show. [the clerk looks even more puzzled]

Edith Bunker:
Minstrel Show!

Mrs. Stipic:
There's a fat black man in my room, and I'm in no condition to be raped!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[Gloria has given birth just seconds before] That wasn't too bad, was it?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Oh no, Michael. Not with you here to help.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
How do you feel about a second one?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[stares at him] Not now, Michael. I have a headache.

Archie Bunker:
[Arc pronounces a phrase he read from a fake bill] Oh my dog.

Edith Bunker:
[Archie and Edith are visiting Gloria and Mike in California. Edith is peeking through the fence at the neighbors] You got a lot of neighbors, don't ya.

Gloria Stivic:
Oh yeah.

Edith Bunker:
Are they all poor or somethin?

Gloria Stivic:
No, why?

Edith Bunker:
Well they're all just laying there, passing around the same cigarette.

Archie:
[Rolling his eyes] Gloria, take your poor mother out of harm's way, will ya.

Archie Bunker:
[after finding out Gloria had an affair] Meathead, I never thought I'd be saying this, but YOU'RE too good for HER!

Mike Stivic:
[to Gloria] You know, ever since we got separated, you got fat.

Edith Bunker:
[to Archie, after he finds out that Gloria had an affair] No matter what she done its none of your business.

Archie Bunker:
What're you talking about; its the world's business.

Edith Bunker:
No, it ain't the world's business neither.

Archie Bunker:
[shouting] Well its certainly God's business.

Edith Bunker:
[Quietly] Then you let God tend to it.

Edith:
Mike, how did you hurt your back?

Mike Stivic:
Lifting a hibachi.

Archie:
What a dope, you lifed a motorcycle?

Gloria:
My parents gave us five years of happiness in their house.

Mike Stivic:
Those were the worst five years of my life.

Gloria:
Those were the first five years we were married.

Mike Stivic:
Bingo.

Mike Stivic:
Nice to see you, Arch.

Archie:
Yeah well, nice to see you too, Michael.

Mike Stivic:
You called me Michael.

Archie:
What the hell, it's Christmas.

Stephanie:
Where's Joey and the meathead?

Gloria:
[to Archie] Did you teach her that?

Archie:
Where is Joey and the meathead?

[Gloria lightly slaps him]

Archie:
Don't hit your father in the airport.

Edith Bunker:
What's a Toyota Hatchback?

Archie Bunker:
It's got slanted headlights and it'll bomb you without warning.

Mike Stivic:
How was your trip?

Stephanie:
I threw up twice.

Mike Stivic:
Rough plane ride, huh?

Stephanie:
I threw up in Gloria's car.

Mike Stivic:
Alotta places have the same names like Portland, Maine and Portland, Oregon.

Gloria Stivic:
Yeah, Birmingham, England and Birmingham, Alabama.

Edith Bunker:
New York, New York.

[Henry Jefferson is dressed as Santa Claus]

Archie:
Santa Claus is white.

Henry:
Yeah well when I was a kid, the man filling my stocking was black.

Archie Bunker:
And didn't I bring you coffee up to bed like I do every Christmas morning?

Edith Bunker:
Yeah, Archie.

Archie Bunker:
All right. That shows you I ain't down. You got to be up to remember to do a thing like that once a year.

Archie Bunker:
All over the world they celebrate the birth of that baby, and everybody gets time off from work. Now if that ain't proof that he's the Son of God, then nothing is.

Sarah:
Gawwwd! He was beautiful!

Arlene:
'Nuff said!

[at the wake; after finding out that Veronica and Liz were lovers]

Archie Bunker:
Turn around and march yourself in there and you pick up your silver; let's go home to New York!

Edith Bunker:
Oh, no, I ain't gonna do that, Archie!

Archie Bunker:
You mean you're gonna disobey your husband?

Edith Bunker:
[thinks about it] Yeah! Case closed!

Cousin Maude:
Archie, you can either get up and eat breakfast, or lie there, feeding off your own fat. [pause] And if you choose the latter, you could probably lie there for months.

Archie Bunker:
[Maude refuses to get out of Archie's chair] Well, I got the secret weapon that can lay this little lady right away. Here we go. This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt!

Cousin Maude:
You're fat.

Archie Bunker:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but Franklin Delano Roosevelt...

Edith Bunker:
Archie, you promised never to say that name again in front of Maude.

Archie Bunker:
Franklin Delano Roosevelt!

Edith Bunker:
[to Maude] He don't mean nothing. His whole family was for Roosevelt.

Archie Bunker:
That was for two terms. But that was it. We didn't know the guy was going to hold on to the job like a pope!

Cousin Maude:
[after Maude sings to wake everybody up] Are you waiting for a special invitation? I said breakfast is on the table.

Archie Bunker:
I heard ya. So did every moose up in Canada.

Archie Bunker:
Well, let me tell you one thing about Richard E. Nixon. He knows how to keep his wife, Pat, home. Roosevelt could never do that with Eleanor. She was always out on the loose. Running around with the coloreds. Tellin' 'em they was gettin' the short end of the stick. She was the one who discovered the coloreds in this country; we never knew they was there!

Archie Bunker:
Roosevelt sold us out to Joe Stalin at Gibraltar.

Maude:
They met at Yalta.

Archie Bunker:
He sold us out there too.

Archie Bunker:
This country was ruined by Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

Maude:
You're fat.

Archie:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT.

Archie Bunker:
[Maude hands him his breakfast] What's this?

Cousin Maude:
It's my own invention. Cream of Wheat with cheese.

Archie Bunker:
Cheese?

Cousin Maude:
It's light but it binds.

Edith Bunker:
And how do you two feel this morning?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Well, my temperature's down to a hundred, but my throat still feels bad. My eyes are clearing up, but my nasal passages...

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Oh, who cares Michael, who cares? Do you know what he did to me? He set the alarm to wake himself up every two hours all night long so he could gargle, take his pills, wheeze on his inhaler for ten minutes. You know something Michael? When you're sick, you're sick!

Archie Bunker:
Edith, that was an order.

Edith Bunker:
I ain't taking no orders. I can be a Sunshine lady if I wanna be. And I wanna be. And I am.

Archie Bunker:
You are in trouble, Edith. You are in big trouble.

Edith Bunker:
No, you are. 'Cause I ain't getting your dinner on the table until you take back what you said.

Archie Bunker:
What I said goes. And you don't gotta get no dinner for me 'cause I'm going down to Kelsey's.

Edith Bunker:
Oh no. You ain't gonna slam this door in my face 'cause this time it's gonna be your face AND I'M GONNA BE THE SLAMMER.

Archie Bunker:
Who put the last roll of terlit paper on the spool up there?

Mike Stivic:
I did.

Archie Bunker:
I mighta knew that. The terlit paper is supposed to go over the spool not under.

Archie Bunker:
I ain't gonna carry that umbrella, Edith, if the guys at work saw me walk in with that, they'd thing I've turned into an English fruit.

Edith Bunker:
You better take your rubbers too.

Archie Bunker:
I don't want no rubbers, every time I put 'em off, my shoes come off with 'em.

Archie Bunker:
[discussing the death of Mrs. Dillon and respecting her final wishes] What did you do?

Edith Bunker:
I did what she asked me to do. I held her hand and I didn't let go.

Amelia DeKuyper:
[after Russel flushes the toilet] Shut the door Russel.

Edith Bunker:
The door is shut Amelia. It always sounds like that.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Do you believe in capital punishment, Ma?

Edith Bunker:
Well, yeah, I guess so.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Mother!

Edith Bunker:
Well, so long as it ain't too severe.

Archie Bunker:
Let me just ask you something, Professor, you who don't believe in capital punishment: Suppose you was to come home some fine day and find your wife's throat cut. Now are you gonna tell me you wouldn't be itching to fry the guy who cut that throat?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
No, what good would that do?

Archie Bunker:
[to Gloria] Do you see this guy? You see what you married? Some fiend could come in here and murder you and he ain't gonna lift a finger to help!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Archie, if I killed that murderer, would that bring Gloria back? No. An eye for an eye is not the answer. The problem rests with society.

Archie Bunker:
He's always blaming everything on society! Listen, if you're gonna blame society for murder, what we ought to do is turn the killer loose, give him a pension for life, and go out and shoot the rest of the city!

Archie Bunker:
Go ahead, ask your mother, *she* believes in capital punishment.

Gloria Stivic:
Do you Ma?

Edith Bunker:
Well, sure.

Gloria Stivic:
Mother...?

Edith Bunker:
Well, as long as it ain't too severe.

Archie Bunker:
[arguing about Edith not being paid for being a housewife] Edith. You're scaring me. You've got a crazy look in your eye like your aunt Lou at the funny farm.

Edith Bunker:
And you got a meeeaaan look on your face. Like that man at the First Friendly Bank!

Edith Bunker:
[starts clearing the dinner table] Or that man at Kressler's department store. I don't wanna do this! Here, you clean the table. AND I AIN'T PAYING YA FOR IT NEITHER!

Coke:
Your neighbor, Mr. McNab, just called to tell you that two Jigaboos just robbed Morgan's Jewelry Store and they hiding in the neighborhood.

Archie:
Hi, how are ya?

Coke:
[on the phone with Mr. McNab] This is the family physician, Dr. Black. What's that, Mr. McNab? Oh. Mrs. Bunker. Your neighbor, Mr. McNab, called to say that two fellows just robbed... What did you say, Mr. McNab? Oh, two jigaboos.

Archie:
I ain't a bigot, I'm just saying it ain't your fault that youse guys is colored.

Archie:
I'm gonna go into town and get me a good Jew lawyer.

Mike Stivic:
Do you always have to label people? Why can't you just get a lawyer. Why does it have to be a Jewish lawyer?

Archie:
Because if I'm going to sue an "A-rab," I want a guy that's full o' hate!

Sybil Gooley:
He never liked me.

Archie Bunker:
And I always will.

Edith Bunker:
I gotta go to the bathroom.

[Starts to run upstairs but Lambert races after her]

Edith Bunker:
What are you doing?

Lambert:
You're going to the bathroom? I'm going with you.

Edith Bunker:
I'll wait 'til tomorrow.

Archie:
[about Mike and Gloria] Edith, why do them two always gotta be over here? I can't stand to look at them.

Edith:
What are you going to do today, Archie?

Archie:
I'm going over to their house.

Edith:
Don't you know what today is?

Archie:
Oh, my goodness, how time has flew. Today is the first day of National Spay the Cat Week.

Edith:
Do you know how old I am today?

Archie:
Yeah, you're 50. I got a very romantic way of remembering that: you are as old as Lindburgh's airplane.

Edith Bunker:
I'm an old lady. I'm very old. I'm as old as Lindburgh's airplane.

Lambert:
I like older women.

Edith Bunker:
But I'm married.

Lambert:
So am I.

Mike Stivic:
[Joey's goldfish died in the punch bowl] Arch, this thing stinks. Can't you go home and get your bowl?

[Archie and Mike push the bowl towards one another, causing it to fall to the ground and break]

Mike Stivic, Archie Bunker:
Why did you do that? You did it. You did it! YOU did it! YOU DID IT!

Archie Bunker:
Get away from me, you Meathead you! Now I gotta go home and make up some excuse to get my OWN punch bowl from my OWN house.

Mike Stivic, Archie Bunker:
Dope.

Mike Stivic:
Arch, did you get Ma a gift?

Archie Bunker:
Certainly I got her a gift. She's my wife, ain't she? [to Gloria]... What did I get her, little girl?

Gloria Stivic:
No, no, no, don't you see, she expects me to wish her a happy birthday because it's something that I always do. But it's something you never do so she doesn't expect it from you. But if I don't say anything, when she expects me to say something, because you don't want me to, then she's gonna know something is up because I haven't said anything when I should have. And if you say something, which I don't want you to do, when you're supposed to and you shouldn't have [Archie turns up to look at her, says nothing, but stares at her in total confusion] then Ma's gonna know something is up because you said something. Don't you see? Don't you understand?

Archie Bunker:
You get more like the old lady every day.

Archie:
Hey, little girl, does your fish ever so often come out of water and lay on a rock?

Gloria:
No.

Archie:
Then he's dead.

Gloria:
[crying] Mr. Jaws died.

Archie Bunker:
Everything's fine, Officers. Everything is just peaches and beans.

Edith Bunker:
[terrified] Listen, I gotta get out of here. See, I gotta get ready for my birthday party.

Lambert:
Happy birthday.

Edith Bunker:
Thank you.

Edith Bunker:
[petrified] Wh-what are you doin'? You ain't taking off your clothes, are you?

Lambert:
Yeah. Then I'm going to take yours off.

Edith Bunker:
[squirming desperately to get away] W-wouldn't you like a cup of coffee instead?

Lambert:
[pushes her back down] I don't drink coffee.

Edith Bunker:
[desperately] I got Sanka!

Gloria Stivic:
Don't forget to bring your punchbowl.

Archie:
Waaaaait a minute, wait a minute, wait - you got a punchbowl of your own, I got one for your anniversary. Set me back $11!

Mike Stivic:
Yeah, uh... we used it for Joey's goldfish.

Archie:
[incredulous] For a goldfish? You got a 10-cent fish livin' in an $11 bowl? That's like YOU, livin' at the Waldorf.

Mike Stivic:
[angrily] Lemme tell you something...

Archie:
All right, hurry up.

Mike Stivic:
Why must you always...

Archie:
I CAN'T WAIT. [slams the door in Meathead's face, walks away]

Edith Bunker:
[Edith has exhausted every possible escape, and the rapist is unzipping her dress] Ohhh, there's something burning, in the kitchen.

Lambert:
[frustrated by her stalling] What is it?

Edith Bunker:
I-it's in the kitchen.

Lambert:
[fed up, but relenting] All right, all right, come on come on come on.

Edith Bunker:
There's somethin' burning, in the kitchen. [they come in the kitchen, which is filled with smoke, she screams, completely hysterical] Ohhh, there's a fire! FIRE! Ohhhh, my cake! My ca-cake, it's burnin'!

Lambert:
Lady, get rid of it. Get rid of it!

Edith Bunker:
[Edith shoves the hot smoldering cake directly in the rapist's face, throws open the door, and punches him in the stomach] GET OUT! GET OUT! [throws him out the back door, slams it, then runs through the house out the front door shrieking while the audience applauds wildly]

Cop:
[carrying Lambert's clothes] Can you identify these clothes? [produces Lambert's tie]

Edith Bunker:
[horrified] NO! NO! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! [runs up the stairs] He'll kill me! He'll kill me!

[Mike and Archie search the house for a rapist]

Archie:
Search the closet.

Mike Stivic:
[Knocks on closet door] There's nobody in there.

Archie:
What the hell did you expect him to say, "Entre-vous?"

Archie Bunker:
[trying to get a hysterical Edith to explain what happened] Here, here, take it easy. So a man came over to the house, lookin' for a man, and he said he was the man he was lookin' for. What is that?

Edith Bunker:
He... he had a gun.

Archie Bunker:
HE HAD A GUN?

Edith Bunker:
He said... he was gonna kill me!

Archie Bunker:
DID HE?

Edith Bunker:
NO!

Archie Bunker:
[feeling foolish over his obvious gaffe] Yeah yeah, he didn't, he didn't... but what did he do?

Edith Bunker:
He... he... [she can't bring herself to say the words]

Archie Bunker:
...What, what, WHAT?

Edith Bunker:
...He... HE...

Archie Bunker:
[frustrated, but scared]... Come on, Edith, what did he WANT?

Edith Bunker:
[barely a whisper]... Me. [looks away]

Archie Bunker:
[confused] You? Well, what'd you tell him, Edith, did you...? [realizing what she means, suddenly panicked] The guy... [can't say the word, mouths it instead] RAPED [speaks again] you?

Edith Bunker:
NO... no... he tried to.

Archie Bunker:
He TRIED? W-w-w-w-what happened, what'd he do?

Edith Bunker:
[breaks down sobbing] It was awful. It was awful. I thought he was gonna kill me...

Archie Bunker:
Oh geez, Edith. Oh my God, Edith. You... you need to lie down for a little bit here. [she shakes her head "No"] Well well, maybe something hot to drink. [keeps shaking her head "No"] Somethin' cold? [keeps shaking her head "No"] Yeah, first things first, don't drink nothin. [heads for the phone]

Edith Bunker:
[hoarsely] Where are you going?

Archie Bunker:
Well, I gotta phone someone, call an ambulance, phone a doctor. [Edith keeps protesting "No", Archie is totally frustrated] "No, no, no, no"... okay, best thing is to stay offa the phone. [takes Edith hands in his] Well, geez, Edith... look, we gotta do something, Edith. I mean, if we don't phone nobody important, if we don't drink nothin' tasty, what the hell are we gonna do?

Edith Bunker:
HOLD ME!

Archie Bunker:
That's the best thing, I can do that, all right! [hugs her tight] Edith... how did you get away from the lousy bum?

Edith Bunker:
Cake... I... I... I hit him with the cake... I was baking.

Archie Bunker:
Thank god you had something heavy around. [realizing again the circumstances] Wait a minute, wait a minute... he must've been over there when I come lookin' for the punchbowl. But why didn't you say somethin'?

Edith Bunker:
He - he said he would... do somethin' to you.

Archie Bunker:
Do somethin' to me? What the hell? Was he a fruit, too?

Archie Bunker:
Don't holler the word RAPE.

Archie Bunker:
Are you all right in there?

Mike Stivic:
Yeah, I just slipped on some cake. Hey, the cake tastes burnt.

Archie:
How did you get rid of the lousy bum?

Edith:
I hit him with my cake.

Archie:
Thank God you had something heavy.

Archie Bunker:
Don't hit the knee that got hit with the trolley.

Edith Bunker:
[Archie is trying to be tender, but Edith is tense] What are you gonna do?

Archie Bunker:
[tenderly pulls her close] I'm just gonna do this here with my arm... [puts his arm around her]... And this here with my kisser. [kisses her tenderly. Edith stiffens at first, then returns the kiss and holds him close, Archie breaks away and smiles at her cautiously] Well, wasn't that nice?

Edith Bunker:
[nods, looking both immensely relieved and frightened] Do you... still love me?

Archie Bunker:
[baffled] DO I STILL LOVE YOU? What are you talkin' about? Why do you think I'm tryin' all this here... whaddaya call it..."LTD" on ya? [meant to say "TLC", for Tender Loving Care]

Edith Bunker:
...What's that?

Archie Bunker:
It's uh... uh uh..."Lovin' Til Daylight"... or something. [meekly] Look, here, I'm doin' the best I can. Lemme try again, huh?

Archie Bunker:
[tries to kiss her again, but Edith reacts frightfully] What did I do?

Edith Bunker:
I'm still scared.

Archie Bunker:
Aw, Edith, don't be scared no more. [hugs her tight]

Edith Bunker:
I... I can't forget that man.

Archie Bunker:
Aw, Edith...

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[barges in the bedroom door] Ma...

Archie Bunker:
Learn to knock, learn to knock, LEARN TO KNOCK!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Ma, look at ya! You haven't been out of this house in two weeks!

Edith Bunker:
No, please, Gloria, I don't care! I don't wanna look at that man again.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Ma, don't you see? The criminal's supposed to be in jail, not the victim!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[instructing Archie on how to be tender with Edith] I want you to hold her hand, put your arm around her, give her a kiss. [gives him a little kiss]

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[forcefully] Now do that!

Archie Bunker:
But if I do that after what happened here, she'll think I'm trying to attack her.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
No, no, no, you're wrong. See, what happened to ma had nothing to do with sex, it was an act of violence. And if you're not attentive, she's gonna think something's wrong with her. So go on up there daddy, I know she's thinking that right now. Be affectionate to her, come on. And I'll get your dinner started.

Archie Bunker:
[reluctantly] Yeah, yeah, but Gloria. I, I... I can't do it!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[chasing him up the stairs] Get up there!

Edith Bunker:
[refusing to identify her attacker] No, I ain't gonna leave this house!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
You're gonna let him do what he did to you to God knows how many other women? I can't believe it! I'm ashamed of you. The mother I know would never refuse, my mother always helped other people! You know what? You are selfish! YOU'RE NOT MY MOTHER ANYMORE!

Edith Bunker:
[Edith slaps Gloria, then immediately realizes what she's done] Oh, Gloria... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
It's okay, Ma. It's okay. I understand.

Edith Bunker:
[Edith looks at her daughter tenderly, then her expression changes, and she knows what she needs to do] Come on, Archie.

Edith:
[Mike and Archie are going to check the house for the rapist] HE'S GOT A GUN! [both men slam the door]

Archie:
This is why every citizen should have a loaded gun in his house you big mouthed liberal you!

Mike Stivic:
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU I DON'T BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE? [picks up baseball bat]

Archie:
What're you going to do with that? BUNT him off the premises?

Archie Bunker:
He tried to [mouths the word 'rape'] her.

Mike Stivic:
HE TRIED TO RAPE HER?

Archie Bunker:
DON'T SAY BAD THINGS IN WORDS!

Mike Stivic:
Arch! All you're worried about is that when you walk down the street people are going to say 'There goes Archie Bunker, you know his wife was RAPED'.

Archie Bunker:
DON'T HOLLER THE WORD 'RAPE'! It ain't that at all and besides she wasn't THAT.

Mike Stivic:
Alright, but Ma was attacked! We have to DO something!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, we have to call the police!

Archie Bunker:
No.

Edith Bunker:
DON'T!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
MOM! Remember when it happened to me 3 years ago? That's the first thing we did.

Archie Bunker:
And what the first thing the cop told you when he come over to the house? He said it would never go into court, they'd ask you questions they turn around and make it look like you were ask for it there! That's why we dropped the whole thing, remember that, huh? And what you want to do, put your mother and me through the same kind of shame there?

Cop:
[shows Edith the rapist's clothes] Can you identify these clothes, ma'am? [shows the rapist's tie]

Edith Bunker:
[gasps] NO! No! I can't! He'll kill me! He'll kill me! [runs up the stairs] He'll kill me! He'll kill me! He'll kill me!

Mike Stivic:
[the cops grab Archie thinking he's the rapist] You got the wrong guy! The guy we're looking for is good looking!

Archie:
AW SHUT UP!

Archie:
We ought to forget the whole thing officers, it's a false alarm anyway, as you can see, everything is just peaches and beans.

Mike Stivic:
Wait a second! There was a crime committed here, will you stop worrying what people will think?

Archie:
I ain't worried about that, what I'm worried about is that this could come up before a judge in some court, and one of them guys will turn the whole thing around and make believe it's the woman's fault. What do you say to that, officers?

Cop:
We just lock them up, we don't try them.

Archie:
Oh well now there you go, Meathead, case closed.

Archie:
I ain't never gonna go to that supermarket again there, I hate it. It's two weeks I'm doing all the shopping in this house 'cuz your mother's scared to go outside of the place. If I ever get my hands on that raperer, I'm gonna turn him into a unique.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well you blew your chance, Daddy, cuz with no one around to identify him the police had to let him go. But you just go get him, huh?

Archie:
Death's too good for them guys, they ought to sentence them to 30 years in the supermarket.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, don't pounds on the front door like that anymore. When you do, it scares Ma and she runs upstairs and hide.

Archie:
Ah geez, she's getting loonier every day! Washing and ironing the same things over and over. You know at night she sleeps with the lights on up there? I gotta hide myself under the covers, it ain't good for you you know. You ain't supposed to breathe the same air that your toes is in.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well, Daddy, you just better get used to this because it might go on for a long time.

Archie:
This thing happened to you a couple years ago, didn't take *you* forever to get overs.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
How do you know? Ever since it happened I haven't been able to walk down 47th Avenue, and I'll tell you something else, Michael was wonderful through all of it, he helped me through the worst of it, he wasn't like you, he was so patient.

Archie:
Ah geez.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Yes! He went out of his way to be sweet and kind and gentle.

Archie:
Well he'd have to go out of his way to be sweet and gentle, comes natural to me. [Gloria looks at him] I'll SMACK that look off your face!

Archie:
[goes over to Edith at the ironing board] Hi Edith, good to see you angel doll, oh gee, you're starching that same sheet again.

Edith Bunker:
It ain't smooth!

Archie:
Oh, it ain't smooth. [glares at Gloria]

Michael Stivic:
How could a can of cling peaches do so much damage?

Edith Bunker:
[thoughtfully] Maybe it was the heavy syrup.

Father Majeski:
"Go from the presence of the foolish man when thou perceivest not in him the lips of knowledge."

Archie Bunker:
What does that mean?

Father Majeski:
It means don't waste your time arguing with an idiot!

Archie Bunker:
All right, Meathead. Go up and get your tape recorder.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
What are you going to do, start playing Attorney General?

Archie Bunker:
Don't argue with me, huh? Just get the tape recorder.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Are you going to tell this man you're taping his conversation?

Archie Bunker:
Does J. Edgar Hoover tell anybody?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
If you don't tell him you're taping him, you're depriving him of his civil rights.

Archie Bunker:
He ain't colored, he's Polish!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Archie, you're violating his rights under the First Amendment.

Archie Bunker:
Whose side are you on anyhow, huh? Look at me, I know I got a lot going against me, I'm white, I'm Protestant, I'm hard-working. Can't you find one lousy amendment to protect me?

[Archie opens the door to the person whose car Edith dented, only to find he is a Catholic priest]

Father Majeski:
I'm John Majeski.

Archie Bunker:
You're kidding.

Father Majeski:
No, no, I'm Father John Majeski. May I come in?

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, come in, Father, sure. I'd like you to meet my family, there, that's my wife Edith, here, that's my daughter Gloria, here. And that's my son-in-law Mike Stivic over here.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Still want the tape recorder, Arch?

Archie Bunker:
Dummy up, you.

Archie Bunker:
I think we're in luck. This guy is a phony.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
How do you know that?

Archie Bunker:
Don't you ever read the papers? About all them unflocked priests running around? This priest here ain't kosher, and he never was!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
How do you know?

Archie Bunker:
Did you see the lousy-looking suit he's wearing there?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
So what, Arch? Maybe it's the only suit he owns.

Archie Bunker:
Are you kidding? The Catholic Church owns half of the property in New York, including some of your finest clothing stores.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Archie, if you have your doubts, why don't you just ask him for his credentials?

Archie Bunker:
Come on, how the hell you gonna do that?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Simple. You just walk up to him, and say, "Father, can I see your cross?"

Edith Bunker:
What's wrong, Archie?

Mike Stivic:
It's just indigestion. It comes from eating his own words.

Edith Bunker:
[in the kitchen, after having tasted the horsemeat and being told what it was, to Gloria] I'm sorry, Gloria - I just can't stop thinking of Mr. Ed!

Archie Bunker:
[Edith has been to see Father Majewski, and Archie is afraid that he made her a Catholic without her knowing it] Think carefully now, Edith. Did he splash any water on you?

Edith Bunker:
No.

Archie Bunker:
Did he give you any beads to play with?

Edith Bunker:
No.

Archie Bunker:
Did he make you eat a cookie?

Archie Bunker:
I got a rubbery feeling it's Beverly La Salle.

Archie:
Who are you, Ralph Nuder?

Archie Bunker:
Every man should be king of his castle. And in this here castle, I am the king.

Edith Bunker:
And I am the queen.

Archie Bunker:
[Concerning Beverly LaSalle] Well this king can only handle one queen at a time.

Beverly La Salle:
I have the best dress-maker in town: Mr. Florence.

Edith Bunker:
Is he a man or a woman?

Beverly La Salle:
Yes.

Edith Bunker:
Why don't you sit down?

Beverly La Salle:
In this dress? Are you kidding?

[Imitating Mae West]

Beverly La Salle:
One false move and you'll have wall to wall foam rubber.

Mike Stivic:
Why are you always bothered by a simple show of affection?

Archie:
Because I hate it.

Archie:
Edith, come on. 'Tis the season to be jolly, so be jolly.

Archie:
Archie Bunker don't need no clothes for the rest of his life.

Archie:
Oh, a scarf. It's got that beautiful beege color.

Edith:
Beige.

Archie:
Some of that too.

Archie Bunker:
I says, "Edith, Darling, what is, is" and then I said, "Edith, Darlin, what was, was". And finally, I say, "Edith, Darling, what's going to be, is going to be". But your mother in-law don't know nothin' about philosophy.

[Mikes stares blankly at him]

Archie Bunker:
Don't seem like you know a hell of a lot about it yourself.

Archie:
[about Beverly LaSalle] I wish I could've told her what a nice fellow she was.

Edith Bunker:
I gotta get the cranberry sauce.

Archie Bunker:
Edith, the lord and me don't give a damn about cranberry sauce.

Archie Bunker:
Maybe she's lucky he lived as long as she did.

Archie:
Edith, I am trying to speak unto the Lord

[points skyward with a stick of celery; looks skyward]

Archie:
Forgive me, Lord, for pointing at you with a vegetable.

[after playing a game of Karate Men]

Mike Stivic:
You're a sore loser.

Archie:
I am not. You reached over with your hand and knocked my Jap over.

Edith Bunker:
[Roy and Edith are dancing; Roy, leading, dips Edith, as they dance together] Oh I ain't dipped in years!

[Edith is going through menopause, and Archie is planning a trip]

Edith Bunker:
I wanna talk about where we're going.

Archie Bunker:
Well, that's fine, there, Edith. If you want to talk about Florida, let's talk about Florida. And by the way, we ain't confirmed about going there yet.

Edith Bunker:
No, no, no! Not Florida! I want to go to Scranton.

Archie Bunker:
Scranton? Edith, uh, what is in Scranton?

Edith Bunker:
My cousin Emily.

Archie Bunker:
Your cousin Emily?

Edith Bunker:
You hate Emily!

Archie Bunker:
No, no, no, no, I don't, Edith. I don't hate Emily. I never said that, I never said that at all. No, I like her, and I like their little home in Scranton, there, and those four cute teenagers. I think her husband is a real nice guy, and I, I can't say that... I can't go on like this, that's one thing I can't do! I can't believe a word of anything I'm saying around here! This ain't natural! No, I don't like her, and I don't like her husband! He's a bum, and he always was, and she's a crank, and she always was! And I hate their four rotten kids! And the only way you're gettin' me to go to Scranton is if some screwball hijacks the airplane! I know all about your women's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time I didn't make you wear the truss!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Come on, Archie!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy!

Archie Bunker:
No, no, no, Edith! If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now! I'm gonna give you just thirty seconds. Now, come on, change!

Archie Bunker:
Here's something we can see in Disney World. They got an all bear band.

Edith Bunker:
They got a naked band at Disney World?

Edith Bunker:
I hate bears.

Archie Bunker:
Well they ain't real bears, they...

Edith Bunker:
I hate all bears.

Archie Bunker:
Edith, I'm trying to show you...

Edith Bunker:
STIFLE.

Mike Stivic:
[Edith is going through menopause] What did the doctor say?

Archie Bunker:
He just said that menopause is a pretty tough time to be going through; especially for nervous types.

Mike Stivic:
So?

Archie Bunker:
So he prescribed these here pills.

[takes bottle of pills out of paper bag]

Mike Stivic:
Oh, good.

Archie Bunker:
I gotta take three of 'em a day.

Archie Bunker:
I know all about your woman's troubles there, Edith, but when I had the hernia that time, I didn't make you wear the truss. If you're gonna have the change of life, you gotta do it right now. I'm gonna give you just 30 seconds. Now c'mon and change.

Edith Bunker:
Can I finish my soup first?

Mike Stivic:
Hey it just occurred to me, Mickey Mouse is black.

Archie Bunker:
Mickey Mouse ain't got no race. He represents all men.

Mike Stivic:
Oh, I guess that's why Walt made him a mouse.

[Archie and Edith are planning a trip to Disney World]

Mike Stivic:
You know it just occurred to me - Mickey Mouse is black.

Archie Bunker:
Aww get out of here with that! Mickey Mouse has no race. He stands for all men.

Archie Bunker:
After twenty years of stifles, the dingbat turns on me.

Archie Bunker:
My conscience don't talk to me.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
I don't blame it. It shouldn't talk to a stranger.

Edith Bunker:
This is a nice restaurant, and it's called the Gay Paris.

Gloria Stivic:
That's Gay Paree, Ma.

Archie Bunker:
Gay, gay, what'd you do? Bring us into a fag hangout?

Archie Bunker:
Do you know how to swim?

Mike Stivic:
Yeah.

Archie Bunker:
Then why don't you go take a flying leap into the middle of Lake Polack?

[Archie is spreading smoke around the room]

Mike Stivic:
What are you doing?

Archie Bunker:
Did you ever hear of smoke damage?

Mike Stivic:
Did you ever hear of fraud?

Archie Bunker:
Did you ever hear of getting lucky?

Mike Stivic:
Did you ever hear of going to jail?

Archie Bunker:
Did you ever hear of shut up.

Archie Bunker:
When the firemen come I want them looking at the fire in the can, not the fire in your Spanish eyes.

Mike Stivic:
Ask him if he sells dinosaur insurance.

Edith Bunker:
[There's a fire in the house] And our family picture albums.

Archie Bunker:
If you find the album, Edith, throw it at the fire. If you really wanna risk your life for something, money. Top of the closet on the shelf there, is a my secret cigar box I never told you about with $108 in it.

Edith Bunker:
A hundred and nine.

Gloria:
[doorbell rings] Oh, that must be Uncle Kasim. Daddy, now please be nice. Please?

Archie Bunker:
I'm always nice, little girl. Now go and open the door and let Uncle Polack in.

Archie Bunker:
Look at the way it's got you here. You're starting to cry, there. Now don't do that, Edith. You know I can't take that... I ain't gonna take it! I'm gonna get on the blower here and call that Reverend Fletcher!

Edith Bunker:
Felcher.

Archie Bunker:
Whatever! And I'm gonna tell him that night just fell on one of his Sunshine Girls!

Archie:
I ain't gonna eat this food with these Chink pick-up sticks.

Mike Stivic:
How can you say that, Arch? With one word you attack an entire race of people and not just the Chinese, the Laotians, the Cambodians, the Vietnamese.

Archie:
Wait a minute, Meathead, I never call them countries Chinks.

Edith:
He calls them Gooks.

Archie:
I'm saying they're all a yellow race. They ain't exactly Chinks, but they are definitely offshoots of your Chinks, they're what you call Chinkish.

Archie Bunker:
Edith, I'm always nice. Go let the jerk in.

Mike Stivic:
So you must be Mr. Bunker.

Archie Bunker:
You figured that out, huh?

Archie:
[Mike is at the door] Oh, I thought there was somebody at the door. There's a beard out there with a nobody under it.

Archie:
Let me tell you something Mister Stivic. You are a MEATHEAD. As in Meathead... dead from the neck up.

Archie:
Do you believe that guy making suppository remarks while I'm singing "God Bless America"?

Archie:
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but you are one dumb Pollack.

Mike Stivic:
Ya know, Mr. Bunker, when I first met you, I thought I misjudged you... And I was right, I did midjudge you... You're a lot more ignorant than I thought.

Archie:
Edith, listen to this guy calling me ignorant!... Well, sticks and stones my break my bones... ,But you are one dumb Polak!

Archie Bunker:
[after being handed George Jefferson's petition to run for office] Let me look this thing over and see what we got here.

George Jefferson:
It ain't an IOU; just go ahead and sign it.

Archie Bunker:
Hold it, hold it, Jefferson. I don't go around signing political documentaries just like that, ya know. Even Abe Lincoln, smart as he was, he read the Declaration of Independence before putting his John Hancock on it.

Edith Bunker:
Archie, are you sure Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence?

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, fourscore and seven years ago.

Archie Bunker:
[to Michael] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Oh, Michael's got a new hobby, macram?. He's making me a new belt.

Edith Bunker:
Ain't it pretty?

Archie Bunker:
Macaroni? What?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Macram?.

[Archie glares at Michael]

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Don't say it.

Archie Bunker:
There's nothing to say, "Florence."

[Michael starts toward the door to answer the doorbell]

Archie Bunker:
Leave the door alone. I hate when people come into the house and the first thing they see is you.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Racial balance is important in everything. Take education: why do you think it's so tough for a black student to become a doctor?

Archie Bunker:
Because nobody wants to see a black guy coming at them with a knife!

Archie:
Look at this, Edith. We lost a daughter but gained a meathead.

Archie:
This woman's lib is infiltrating our home and your daughter's bringing it in here. I suppose next she'll have you prancing around in hot pants and burning your brassier.

Edith:
No, I'm afraid of fire.

Archie Bunker:
Hey, do youse people believe in women's liberation?

Lionel Jefferson:
Actually, we's still working on just plain liberation.

Archie Bunker:
How do youse people manage to store things in them tiny bathrooms?

Lionel Jefferson:
Well, we have this little cabinet under the table and we shove our things into it. So, Mr. Bunker, why don't you shove yours.

[Exits]

Archie Bunker:
You know, a guy could take that two ways.

Mike Stivic:
Knowing Lionel, I'm sure he only meant it one way.

Archie Bunker:
I been thinking this whole thing over, and you can't leave. 'Cause you can't go to school at night, work at the same time, pay for an apartment, support a wife and a baby, see? Now to begin with, you ain't got the brains. The boy didn't even have the brains to keep himself from getting pregnant.

Mike Stivic:
Archie, I've been trying to tell you something. We're not pregnant anymore.

Archie Bunker:
Will you let me finish? You what?

Mike Stivic:
Well, we're not gonna have a baby now.

Archie Bunker:
You big dumb Polack, did you do something illegal?

Archie Bunker:
[Lionel has brought over some food] Let me guess: pork chops?

Lionel Jefferson:
Uh yeah, we was gonna bring some watermelon too, but they's out of season.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[Archie's come to see her after the miscarriage] Hi Daddy.

Archie Bunker:
Hiya sweetheart. Howya feeling? You look pretty good there.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
I didn't do a very good job, did I?

Archie Bunker:
Aw, who said that, some dopey doctor?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
No, no, Daddy, stop that.

Archie Bunker:
Aw gee whiz.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[gives her a tender look] You want to say something?

Archie Bunker:
Uh, well, no, no. Nothing, I, uh... nothing.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
You love me. [he nods with love in his eyes]

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
I love you too, Daddy. [scene ends with a tender look between the two]

[Mike has just ran all the way home from a baseball game after thinking Gloria's going into labor]

Mike Stivic:
I was at the ballgame and the announcer said, "Paging Doctor Scipero," and I thought, "That's my wife. My doctor's gonna have a baby!"

Archie Bunker:
[after breaking a window with a broom handle] "Why me, Lord? You got an atheist next door." [Shelf in broom closet collapses]

Archie Bunker:
we don't need no whaddayacall alternative, all we need is something else to do.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Arch, that's a myth. Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anybody else.

Archie Bunker:
Oh yeah? Then why are you on automatic all the time?

Archie Bunker:
Let me ask you something there, about George. I mean, how did that happen to him? When he was a baby, uh, did somebody throw him up in the air and forget to catch him?

Mr. Bushmill:
[sighs] It's a common birth defect. The doctors call it anoxia. It means he didn't get enough oxygen when he was born. Now that's what happened to George - what's your excuse?

Archie Bunker:
Uh, no intense offended there.

Archie Bunker:
Thanks, Reverend Ching, there.

Rev. Chong:
Reverend Chong.

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, whatever.

Rev. Chong:
[some time later] You're welcome, Mr. Binker.

Archie Bunker:
That's, er, Bunker.

Rev. Chong:
WHATEVER.

Archie Bunker:
His pal Roger is as queer as a $4 bill and he knows it.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
That's not only cruel Daddy, that's an outright lie.

Mike Stivic:
You know something Archie, just because a guy is sensitive, and he's an intellectual and he wears glasses, you make him out a queer.

Archie Bunker:
I never said a guy who wears glasses is a queer. A guy who wears glasses is a four-eyes. A guy who is a fag is a queer.

[Michael says that Archie's friend Steve is gay]

Archie Bunker:
You are SICK, you know that? YOU NEED HELP. I've listened to this guy around here for ten months. All this pinko stuff, that's all right, that's what they're fillin' 'em up with in the schools nowadays, huh? The clothes, well, that's all right, they take from each other, one kid looks crummier than the next. Their wide-open sex any time of the day or night for no reason at all, that's all right, that's their submissive society. But when he goes besmearing - when he goes besmearing the name of a great line-backer, a second-choice all-American, a man, and I mean a REAL MAN, THEN YOU MIGHT AS WELL SHUT THE DOORS OF THIS COUNTRY AND HANG UP A SIGN, "CLOSED. OWNER GONE NUTS".

[Archie finds out the Jeffersons have bought the house next door]

Edith:
I think it's wonderful.

Archie:
Oh you'll think it's wonderful when the watermelon rinds come flying out the window.

Archie:
[Archie is explaining to Lionel why blacks shouldn't move into the neighborhood] They ain't gonna be happy here. What are they gonna do? What are they gonna do for recreation? There ain't a crap game or a pool hall in the whole neighborhood. There ain't a chicken shack or a rib joint within miles.

Lionel Jefferson:
No ribs? Lawd All Mighty, what is we gonna do?

Archie Bunker:
[Answering the door to Mr. Jefferson] I didn't order you on the phone, I ordered your brother.

Henry Jefferson:
Well, what you see is what you get.

Archie Bunker:
Well, I got something here for you to see. [Holds up picture of Lionel Jefferson and Archie's niece Linda] I want to know what your family is gonna do about him? [Points to Lionel]

Henry Jefferson:
[Holding up his own copy of the same picture] Well, I want to know what your family is gonna do about her?

Archie Bunker:
You ain't even the head of your family. Why didn't Lionel's father come over here?

Henry Jefferson:
You don't want to know the answer to that.

Archie Bunker:
Yes I do.

Henry Jefferson:
Alright. He said he "ain't never stepped into a honky's household," and he "ain't about to start at the bottom of the heap."

Archie Bunker:
Jefferson, I don't like that.

Edith Bunker:
He said you wouldn't like it.

Archie Bunker:
Let's cut the funnies out, huh. This is very serious. You know what I'm saying to you. I'm saying, that youse guys ought to stick with yourselves.

Lionel Jefferson:
You mean guys ought to stay with guys?

[laughter]

Archie Bunker:
You know what I'm talking about Lionel. I'm saying that whites ought to stay with whites aaand, coloreds ought to stay with coloreds.

Lionel Jefferson:
Look Mr. Bunker. Its been a year and a half now since we moved into this neighborhood. I was just 19 then and I got a big kick out of you and me for a long time. But I'm pushing 21 now and I'm not getting that big a kick out of it anymore.

Archie Bunker:
Alright Lionel, put lid on all of that.

Lionel Jefferson:
No, no, wait, I'm not finished, now... now, we've been friends and we can go on being friends. But when it comes to black and white and all the other wonderful thoughts you have in between... put a lid on that Archie.

Archie Bunker:
I have you into my house, there, you break bread with me and then you go and do a thing like this, thank you very much, Lionel.

Lionel Jefferson:
You mean me taking out Linda?

Archie Bunker:
Yes.

Lionel Jefferson:
Oh you don't have to thank me for that, Mr. Bunker. I'd do it again but she's leaving tomorrow.

Archie Bunker:
Let's cut the funnies. You know what I'm saying to you. I'm saying that youse guys ought to stick with yourselves.

Lionel Jefferson:
You mean guys ought to stay with guys?

Archie Bunker:
If God had intended whites and coloreds to dance together...

Mike Stivic:
He'd had given us rhythm too.

Archie:
Why did the Irish farmer pour alcohol on his vegetable crop? Because he wanted to have stewed tomatoes.

Henry Jefferson:
Let them mix the races but we're gonna keep ours pure. No more cream into the coffee.

George Jefferson:
I don't want no daughter-in-law who's a zebra.

Louise Jefferson:
Why not? I'm sure she won't mind a father-in-law who's a jackass.

George Jefferson:
I don't want no daughter in law who's a zebra.

Louise Jefferson:
Why not?I'm sure she wouldn't mind a father in law who's a jackass.

Edith Bunker:
[as Mike and Gloria put away their coats] Ohhhh, you came home at just the right time.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
You mean dinner's ready?

Louise Jefferson:
George, I thought you said you like Jenny?

George Jefferson:
That's before I met him!

Lionel Jefferson:
Wait now you don't even know him...

George Jefferson:
I don't wanna know him! I don't want no white in-laws in my family.

Lionel Jefferson:
They're gonna be my in-laws, not yours!

George Jefferson:
But think son, think! What about the children, what're they gonna be?

Lionel Jefferson:
Well, boys and girls I hope!

George Jefferson:
Listen to 'em Louise! That's what happens when you mix black and white, ten more seconds he's gonna call her n*gger.

Archie Bunker:
Listen to that, I ain't used that word in three years!

Archie:
[Floyd has asked the Bunkers to look after Stephanie] Tell him he's barking up the wrong tree.

Edith:
You're barking up the wrong tree.

Archie:
You heard the boss.

Edith:
We'd love to take in Stephie.

Floyd:
Gee Arch, I hate to ask for help.

Archie:
Good, 'cause I hate to give it. Especially if it's money.

Floyd:
Oh no, this ain't about money.

Archie:
Then you got a chance.

Floyd:
I need you to watch Stephanie for a few weeks.

Archie:
You had a better chance at money.

Stephanie Mills:
I'd like to go to the John.

Edith Bunker:
We're going to the John.

Archie Bunker:
I heard.

[to Floyd]

Archie Bunker:
"John"? Couldn't you have taught her to say "toilet" like educated people?

Floyd Mills:
I try the best I can.

Archie Bunker:
Well you failed.

Hooker:
Hey there, chief, you want some fun?

Archie Bunker:
I don't like fun, I'm a maniac.

Archie Bunker:
Now wait a minute, Meathead, you said that, not me. I never said your black beauties was lazy. It's just their systems is geared a little slower than the rest of us.

Mike Stivic:
Archie...

Archie Bunker:
You don't believe me, look it up.

Gloria Stivic:
He's prejudiced, there's no hope for him. No hope at all.

Archie Bunker:
I'm not prejudiced, any man deserves my respect and he's gonna get it irregardless of his color.

Mike Stivic:
Then what are you calling them names like black beauties for?

Archie Bunker:
Now that's where I got you, mister liberal, because there's a black guy who works down at the building with me, he's got a bumper sticker on his car that says 'Black is Beautiful', huh, so what's the matter with black beauties?

Edith Bunker:
It's nicer than when he called them coons.

Archie Bunker:
I stopped in the gent's room the other day, so help me there was a man in there with a ponytail. My heart nearly turned over, I thought I was in the wrong toilet.

Lionel Jefferson:
[Archie comments on the three-piece suit he's wearing] I also got a yellow one with stripes and a purple one with checks for when I'm with MY people.

Archie Bunker:
If your spics and your spades want their rightful share of the American dream, let 'em get out there and hustle for it like I done.

Mike Stivic:
So now you're going to tell me the black man has just as must chance as the white man to get a job?

Archie Bunker:
More, he has more... I didn't have no million people marchin' and protestin' to get me my job.

Edith Bunker:
No, his uncle got it for him.

Archie Bunker:
Back in my day, they wasn't called Chicanos or Anglo-Americans or Afro-Americans, we was all Americans so if a guy was a jig or a spick, it was his own business.

Archie Bunker:
I used to know a whole flock of them coloreds in the old neighborhood. One went by the name of Roundtree Cummerbatch.

Mike Stivic:
You never knew anybody by that name. You made it up.

Archie Bunker:
I made up a name like Roundtree Cummerbatch?

Mike Stivic:
That's right, you made it up to put down a black man.

Edith Bunker:
I think he's right, Archie. Like, you haven't said the word "Coon" in almost a year.

Archie Bunker:
What are you talking about? I say it everyday.

Mike Stivic:
You haven't said it in front of us.

Archie Bunker:
Alright then: Coon! Coon! Coon! You wanted it, you got it.

Archie Bunker:
Look at this water bill - eighty dollars! My luck I got the only Polack that showers regular.

Archie Bunker:
Do you hear your daughter turning on her father that way? Twenty-two years, I've never heard her open her yap like that!

Edith Bunker:
Well, she's just sticking up for her husband!

Archie Bunker:
Ahhh! For the live of me, I'll never understand women. The way they marry some guy who always makes a fool of himself... but still they *love* him! [sarcastically]

Edith Bunker:
That's right, Archie.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well, what do you want me to do?

Edith Bunker:
[Screeching] I don't know! All I know is you ruined your father's dinner!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
I said I was sorry! Well, excuse me for living!

Archie Bunker:
What is all the hollerin' out here?

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Nothing!

Archie Bunker:
For a minute I thought I was in the back room of a Greek restaurant!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Here's a dime Arch

Archie Bunker:
That won't help me pay eighty five dollars

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
No, but it would pay for yours!

Archie Bunker:
That ain't the American Way, buddy. No, siree. Listen here, professor. You're the one who need an American History lesson. You don't know nothin' about Lady Liberty standin' there in the harbor, with her torch on high screamin' out to all the nations in the world: "Send me your poor, your deadbeats, your filthy." And all the nations send 'em in here, they come swarming in like ants. Your Spanish P.R.'s from the Caribboin, your Japs, your Chinamen, your Krauts and your Hebes and your English fags. All of 'em come in here and they're all free to live in their own separate sections where they feel safe. And they'll bust your head if you go in there. *That's* what makes America great, buddy.

[exits Stivic house]

Mike Stivic:
[to Gloria] I think we just heard Archie Bunker's Bicentennial Minute.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[On the phone] I still can't find an apartment.

Archie Bunker:
That's because you're looking with a bag over your head.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Would you leave me alone?

Archie Bunker:
Try Jersey.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
I *hate* Jersey!

Archie Bunker:
*Everybody* hates Jersey! But somebody's gotta live there.

Archie:
Well, you know what they say, Edith. Birds gotta fly, fish gotta fry.

Edith:
Swim.

Archie:
That too.

[Mike give his opinion to a friend after he first meets Gloria]

Mike Stivic:
She's a shrimp. And that hair. She looks like the warden pardoned her *after* he threw the switch.

[Mike has climbed into bed with Archie and accidentally spilled water on him]

Archie:
You got into bed with me to do this here?

Mike Stivic:
It was an accident.

Archie:
With Little Joey it's an accident. With you, it's a dishonorable discharge.

[Mike slips into the bed with the sheets tucked in]

Archie:
I don't believe what I just seen there. You slid in there like a card into a time clock.

Archie Bunker:
She ain't a fire starter. She ain't like your Emperor Negro who fiddled while Rome burned.

Mike Stivic:
Arch, what did your Cousin Oscar die of?

Archie:
I think he died of bad feet.

Mike Stivic:
Nobody dies of bad feet.

Archie:
I dunno, he was always complaining that his feet were killing him, so...

Mike Stivic:
I'm sorry to get you out of bed.

Edith Bunker:
Oh that's all right, we was only sleeping.

Archie Bunker:
Wait a minute, we don't wanna know what happened there. Don't tell us what happened, we don't want to know. Tell him we don't give a damn what happened, right?

Edith Bunker:
Right. What happened, Mike?

Mike Stivic:
Gloria said I ruined her life.

Archie Bunker:
I told her the same thing seven years ago.

Archie Bunker:
Where the hell is going to sleep, with Teresa?

Edith Bunker:
No, Teresa can sleep in our bed.

Archie Bunker:
Up against you or up against me?

Edith Bunker:
Oh no, see, Archie, you'll sleep in Teresa's bed in Mike's old room and I'll ask Teresa to come and sleep with me in our bed in our room, and Mike will sleep on the cot in Teresa's room which used to be Mike's room where you'll be sleeping. See, you won't have to sleep up against nobody, see?

Archie Bunker:
If I could figure that one out, I'd be sleeping up against a straightjacket.

Archie Bunker:
He ain't been the same since he had that vassexomy.

Mike Stivic:
You were right, Honey, I am a meathead. Not only that, I'm a pompous ass.

Mike Stivic:
Your spelling is atrocious.

Gloria Stivic:
Atrocious?

Mike Stivic:
Yeah, can you spell that?

Gloria Stivic:
Atrocious. M-E-A-T-H-E-A-D. Atrocious.

Archie Bunker:
Little boys who play with dolls grow up to be other boys' roommates.

Archie Bunker:
I would take will into court and have it thrown out.

Mike Stivic:
On what grounds?

Archie Bunker:
On the courtroom grounds under the windows.

Archie Bunker:
Wait 'til you hear this, Edith. They decided not to will Joey to anyone, and you know why? 'Cause they decided they ain't never gonna die.

Archie Bunker:
You're supposed to be the big bug on the Constitution, right? Well the first amendment guarantees that baby the right to bear a machine gun?

Mike Stivic:
The first amendment guarantees free speech.

Archie Bunker:
Same thing, buddy boy. If you got a gun in your hand, you're free to make any speech you want to.

Archie Bunker:
I'm gonna give this to somebody else.

[tries to take the doll away from Gloria and in the process pulls its head off]

Gloria Stivic:
Aah! Daddy! Well I can't give it to Joey like this.

Archie Bunker:
Alright, maybe you can find some poor, deserving little kid who would like a 'decrapitated' pee-pee doll.

[repeated line]

Archie Bunker:
All you done was belt him.

[on a subway]

Mike Stivic:
You've moved us through three cars already.

Archie:
There was a gang war in the first car.

Mike Stivic:
What gang? It was three kids fighting over a strap to hold onto.

Archie:
I'll bet if you went back now the little one would be hanging from that strap.

Archie Bunker:
[everyone has just been discussing doctors for Mike's operation. Archie sits back in his chair smoking his cigar] You know I think we should call?

Edith Bunker:
Who Archie?

Archie Bunker:
[sarcastically] Chicken Delight, Edith, cause we ain't gonna get no supper outta you.

[when Mike is worried that he failed his college exams]

Irene Lorenzo:
Don't worry so much Mike, as I always say Que Sera, Sera.

Edith Bunker:
That's right Mike, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again.

Archie Bunker:
How long have them two been up there?

Edith Bunker:
An hour and a half.

Archie Bunker:
[knowing they're having sex; looks angry] In the middle of the day.

Edith Bunker:
Seems like an awfully long time to be showing her his grades.

Paul Goodrow:
You see Robin and I took our vows too.

Archie Bunker:
Tell him if they didn't take them in church, then God didn't hear them. He ain't married in the eyes of God.

Paul Goodrow:
But wouldn't Mr. Bunker agree that God is everywhere?

Archie Bunker:
Tell him He certainly is.

Paul Goodrow:
Then He was was there when we took our sacred vows.

Archie Bunker:
BUT HE WASN'T LISTENING NOT WITHOUT THE LICENSE.

Archie Bunker:
When your mother-in-law and me was goin' around together, it was two years - we never - I never - I mean absolutely nothin', not 'til the wedding night.

Edith Bunker:
Yeah, and even then...

Archie Bunker:
[after being sung awake] I musta died and gone to the wrong place. 'Cause yas all sure sound like hell.

Gloria Stivic:
Robin's burning incense. I think it smells nice.

Archie Bunker:
It smells like a house of Ill Refute.

Archie Bunker:
Well in the words of Harry S. Truman, if it's too hot in the kitchen, stay away from the cook.

Archie:
What kind of fathead would send us something like this?

Edith:
It's from your mother.

Jeff:
Hey, what's happenin', Man?

Archie:
I'm having a stroke.

Jeff:
Far out. I can dig it.

Mike Stivic:
You got a hang-up about sex.

Archie:
I ain't got a hang-up about... That.

Mike Stivic:
See, you can't even say it.

Archie:
I don't use four letter words in front of women, ya dope.

Gloria:
Daddy, you shouldn't be afraid of sex.

Archie:
Listen, little girl, if I was a afraid of it, you wouldn't be here. Right, Edith?

Archie Bunker:
Listen here, Professor. You're the one that needs an American history lesson. You don't know nuthin' about Lady Liberty standin' there in the harbor with her torch on high, screamin' out to all the nations of the world, "Send me your poor, your deadbeats, your filthy." And all of 'em nations sent 'em in here. They come swarmin' in here like ants. Their Spanish PRs from the Caribouan there, your Japs, your Chinamen, your Krauts and your Hebes, and your English fags! All of 'em come in here. And they're all free to live in their own separate sections where they feel safe, and they'd bust your head if you go in there! That's what makes America great, Buddy!

Edith Bunker:
Archie, you're home.

Archie Bunker:
[Sarcastically] No, Edith, I'm still at work. What you see before you is a pigment of your imagination.

Edith Bunker:
Archie, I think you owe Mike an apology.

Archie Bunker:
Yeah? And he owes me two years rent. So now we're even.

Archie Bunker:
Don't you know that California is sitting on a shelf out there, they call that the Pacific Shelf. There's three states on that shelf: Oregon, California and Missouri. When the big earthquake hits, all them three states are going to be shoved right off that shelf there. They call that the Continental Divide.

Mike Stivic:
What?

Archie Bunker:
Yes. The Pope knew about this years ago. He said it was St. Andrew's fault.

Archie Bunker:
California is full of nuts and fruits. Every fruit is a little nutty and every nut is a little fruity.

Archie Bunker:
George Jefferson is the only black guy I know that calls Abe Lincoln a honky.

Kate Korman:
[to Archie] I have a name for you. Mr. Edith Bunker.

Kate Korman:
And then say something like, because of your skill and alertness, a man walks the good Earth, breathing God's clean air.

Archie Bunker:
Not if he's walking around New York he ain't.

Edith Bunker:
Well, see, I figured that he was having a heart attack and I had some training in CPR that's Cardiopulminary Recessitation. It was on that TV show 60 Minutes once.

Archie Bunker:
We watch all of them high class, educational shows right through, no matter how exhausted we get.

Edith Bunker:
Archie was just trying to help.

Kate Korman:
Help? He's done nothing but get in the way.

Archie Bunker:
Say that again.

Kate Korman:
You are in the way!

Archie Bunker:
You didn't have to tell me twice.

Archie Bunker:
Alright, that's it. I'm in the way. I'll get the hell outta here, go down to Kelsey's. Oh no, no, I don't wanna stick around here with Wanda Cronkite over there. However, before I leave, I'll say one more thing: I would like to give you a little bit of technical advice that might help you in your career, lady.

Kate Korman:
And what's that?

Archie Bunker:
Zip up your fly.

George Jefferson:
Rich people never even see money. All they know is, "Charge it", "I'll sign for it", and "Sue me".

Archie Bunker:
Now, no prejudice intended, but, you know, I always check with the Bible on these here things. I think that, I mean if God had meant for us to be together, he'da put us together. But look what he done. He put you over in Africa, and put the rest of us in all the white countries.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
Well, he must've told 'em where we were because somebody came and got us.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
If you were prejudiced, Archie, when I came into your house, you would have called me a "coon" or a "n*gger." But you didn't say that, I heard you clear as a bell, right straight out you said: "colored".

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, that's what I done, all right.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
And if you were prejudiced, you would, like some people, close their eyes to what's going on in this great country that we live in. But not you, Archie, your eyes are wide open. You can tell the difference between black and white. And I have a deep-rooted feeling that you'll always be able to tell the difference between black and white. And if you were prejudiced, you'd walk around thinking that you're better than anybody else in the world. But I can honestly say, after spending these marvelous moments with you, you ain't better than anybody.

Archie Bunker:
[extends his hand] Can I have your hand on that, Sammy?

Archie Bunker:
You being colored, well, I know you had no choice in that. But whatever made you turn Jew?

Gloria:
I'm sorry, Mr. Davis, sometimes my father says the wrong things.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
Yeah, I've noticed that.

Lionel Jefferson:
But he's not a bad guy, Mr. Davis. I mean like, he'd never burn a cross on your lawn.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
No, but if he saw one burning, he's liable to toast a marshmallow on it.

Archie Bunker:
When Sammy Davis Jr. gets here, whatever else you blab about, don't say nothing about his eye.

Edith Bunker:
What eye?

Archie Bunker:
Now, Edith, let me tell you, see. One of them is glass. You'll find out when he gets here which of them, see, but don't talk about it, all right, will you remember that?

Edith Bunker:
Yeah.

Archie Bunker:
Now you got any fried chicken out in the kitchen? 'Cause they like to snack on that.

Mike Stivic:
Just a minute ago, he was the ace of spades, now he's Mr. Davis?

Archie Bunker:
Because he worked himself up to be called Mr. Davis and he deserves that! Because in this great country a man like him can overcome the unequalness of his color and rise to become a great star!

Mike Stivic:
Arch, what, what do you mean "unequalness"? What's the difference between our neighbor Lionel Jefferson and Sammy Davis Jr.?

Archie Bunker:
Ten million dollars and five purple Cadillacs.

Archie Bunker:
Guess what famous and important personality I carry as a passenger in my cab today.

Edith Bunker:
Oh, tell us!

Archie Bunker:
Oh, no, no, you ain't gonna get it out of me that easy. Come on, you gotta guess for this one.

Edith Bunker:
Oh, all right, let's try. I'll go first. Living or dead?

Archie Bunker:
I was driving a cab, Edith, not a hearse.

Archie Bunker:
[to Edith] Open up a fresh box of Twinkies for Mr. Davis.

Sammy Davis Jr.:
Twinkies?

Mike Stivic:
Yeah, it's kind of a WASP soul food.

Archie Bunker:
[after cautioning Edith profusely not to mention Sammy Davis Jr.'s glass eye] Now Mr. Davis, do you take cream and sugar in your eye?

Archie Bunker:
Now don't go telling Lionel! He'll get on his tom-tom and alert all the other jungle bunnies.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[Mike and Gloria are on the bathroom floor making out] What if the maid comes in?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
I don't care. I don't want her. I want you.

Archie Bunker:
[about bug he finds in the kitchen] There's gonna be a lot more of them things around here since Carter made friends with the Chinks.

Archie:
Hey, Kiddo, do the cockroaches come over here on the big ships or do they fly nowadays?

Stephanie:
I think the American ones are born here.

Archie:
Don't be fresh.

Principal:
I'm having some regulatory problems.

Archie:
Oh, just try some Epsom salts. Works for me.

Archie:
I'm gonna wallop her behind and make it look like two Jap flags.

Archie Bunker:
You know what else has been missing lately? My little box of war memorials with my sharp-shooters badge, my good conduct medal, purple heart and that piece of Kraut shrapnel the medics took out of my butt. Now who besides you and me would like that?

[Archie's socks are missing]

Edith:
Did you look in the top drawer?

Archie:
Certainly I looked in the top drawer.

Edith:
Well they ain't in the top drawer.

Archie Bunker:
Here's my argaroll socks straight from California, made in Taiwan.

Stephanie:
Is Aunt Rose is still sick?

Archie:
No, she has D-Y-E-D.

Stephanie:
You mean D-I-E-D. D-Y-E-D means she changed color.

Archie:
She probably done that too.

Archie Bunker:
And remember, don't talk to strangers unless you know them very well.

Edith Bunker:
Stephie, you can stay with us forever.

Archie Bunker:
Not after she get's married. I've had enough of son in-laws under this roof.

Archie Bunker:
Why are you treating me to waffles and syrup on a Monday Morning?

Edith Bunker:
Because Stephanie is Jewish.

[Finding out Stephanie is Jewish]

Stephanie Mills:
My father said not to talk about it.

Edith Bunker:
Why?

Stephanie Mills:
He said if Uncle Archie knew he would call be a Hebe.

Archie Bunker:
Whatsa matter with you, you mad at me?

Stephanie Mills:
No. Are you mad at me?

Archie Bunker:
No, I ain't mad at you. You didn't do nothing. Oh, yeah. I got something for ya. It's this here. See, I just happen to be passing the store. [holds up a Star of David]

Stephanie Mills:
It's pretty.

Archie Bunker:
It's supposed to go around your neck, so let me do that for ya.

Archie Bunker:
[puts it on her and fastens it] Yeah, that ain't bad.

Archie Bunker:
[goes to go into the house, but pauses at the door] You know, you gotta love somebody to give 'em one of them. I mean, you gotta love everything about them.

[Archie and Edith have just arrived at Stretch Cunningham's funeral, only to discover it is a Jewish service]

Archie Bunker:
What's goin' on, Edith?

Edith Bunker:
I guess Stretch must have been Jewish.

Archie Bunker:
Stretch Jewish? With a name like Cunningham?

Edith Bunker:
Oh, well, Archie... what's in a name?

Archie Bunker:
A Jewish name ain't supposed to have no "ham" in it.

Archie Bunker:
I'll tell ya, though, the thing that makes me feel bad is all them mean things I was saying about his matinees, and all of that, you know? He could've been dead right when I was complaining about him, Edith. Hey, maybe he even heard me.

Edith Bunker:
Oh, no, he couldn't have heard you, especially if he was dead.

Archie Bunker:
Dead is the time when the spirit hears things, Edith. How do you know that Stretch's spirit ain't here right now, listening to every word we say, right here in this room.

Edith Bunker:
But he lived in the Bronx!

Archie Bunker:
His spirit didn't have to stay in the Bronx! Jeez, if you was his spirit, would you stay in the Bronx?

Archie Bunker:
I can't go through with this. Edith, Edith, I'm no good at this. How would you like to see me just louse up poor Stretch's funeral?

Edith Bunker:
Oh, Archie, you ain't gonna do that. You've been to lots of funerals.

Archie Bunker:
I know, I know, Edith, but I ain't never delivered a urology.

Archie Bunker:
Stretch was always one of the uppest guys you ever met, see. Always laughing, telling jokes himself. Many a Jewish joke he told. He told the one about the priest said to the rabbi... he told about the priest said to the rabbi, "How come you never eat no ham?" The rabbi said, "It's against my religion. How come you never go out with a girl?" And the priest said, "it's against my religion." And the rabbi said, "You ought to try it. It's better than ham."

[Mike is an atheist]

Archie:
Did you ever in your life tell somebody to go to Hell?

Mike Stivic:
Well...

Archie:
Don't give me any long stories, just answer me yes or no.

Mike Stivic:
Well, yes.

Archie:
So where did you want them to go, Disneyland?

Archie Bunker:
I changed my mind. I don't want no stranger in the house. He'd probably snuggle girls up the stairs.

Edith Bunker:
Well suppose the 'he' is a she?

Archie Bunker:
You wouldn't want that either.

Archie Bunker:
[on a female boarder] Get one with the flat chests and big feet who want nothing out of life other than to work hard and pay the rent.

Edith:
But in the hospital you said having a boarder was a good idea.

Archie:
But I was so full of pills and enemas, I didn't know if I was coming or going.

Teresa:
Mr. Bunkers, could you turn down the sound please?

Archie Bunker:
You can't do that. You can't enjoy it unless you hear the victims screaming.

Teresa:
I don't mean the sounds from the TV, I mean the sounds from you.

Archie Bunker:
Oh, don't pay no attention to me, I always holler at the monster pictures there. Particularly this frog picture. I seen it 4 or 5 times.

Teresa:
The frog can't hear what you say. It's a fake frog. It's a fake lamp post, it's a fake building, it's a fake movie.

Archie Bunker:
You just spoiled my whole evening.

Teresa:
[Puerto Rican accent] Well you spoiled my study time.

Archie Bunker:
Well you, 'espoiled' my frog picture.

Teresa:
You making fun of my English?

Archie Bunker:
Everybody makes fun of your English.

Archie:
Hey Sydney, you're a real chimp off the old block.

Stephanie:
Thanks, Uncle Archie.

Archie:
Me? But it's from your father.

Stephanie:
My father doesn't spell "Daddy" D-A-D-Y.

Edith:
You know what we're gonna do tomorrow?

Archie:
Don't tell me.

Edith:
We're gonna throw Stephanie a birthday party.

Archie:
She tells me anyway.

Archie Bunker:
What kind of a doctor chokes up to the house in a Plymouth? Let me call Dr. Kurtsman who glides around in a Lincoln.

Dr. Sidney Shapiro:
That girl needs her appendix taken out. If you want a second opinion, take her to the hospital and have it done there.

Archie Bunker:
But I want a second opinion to see if she should go to the hospital.

Edith Bunker:
[about Dr. Sydney Shapiro] He was so smart. He had always wanted to make a bat.

Archie Bunker:
A ball bat?

Edith Bunker:
No, a real bat. He wanted to cross a mouse with a bird.

Archie Bunker:
THAT'S the genius you got working on our kid in there?

Archie Bunker:
I nearly killed the child.

Edith Bunker:
You couldn't help it if her appendix burst.

Archie Bunker:
Who said young Dr. Shapiro shouldn't do it? Who said old Dr. Shapiro should? Who thought we should get Dr. Kurtsman - who never called me back from the Copa Cabana. Who done all them stupid things?

Edith Bunker:
You did.

Archie Bunker:
We'd barely have enough strength to drag ourselves over the hill to the bone orchard.

Edith Bunker:
I ain't going to no bone orchard.

Archie Bunker:
If I go, you go.

Mike Stivic:
[to Archie] In the last election you didn't like Carter, you didn't like Ford so he wrote in Richard Nixon.

Edith:
Archie, did you really write in "Richard Nixon"?

Archie:
Of course not. I wrote in Reagan.

Archie Bunker:
I wanna make sure I get my ten simoleons out of you when I win that bet. 'Cause your baby Linda ain't gonna win. She's too fat to win. In a few years time, she's gonna be a teenage bus.

Barney Hefner:
Well all I have to say is too bad it wasn't a baldy contest.

Archie Bunker:
You hear that, he's always on the baldy thing over here. You're gonna lose an old friend that way, Barney.

Mike Stivic:
That's competition for you: two best friends ready to bust each other in the chops over who's got the most beautiful grandchild.

Barney Hefner:
Hey, you know what just occured to me about little Joey? I mean since he's got those long, beautiful eyelashes? You should've entered him as a baldy girl.

Mike Stivic:
Hey. Watch what you're saying, that's my son.

Archie Bunker:
Hit him below the belt, he's over the hill.

Archie Bunker:
You're gonna get Reagan in 1980, wise guy!

Edith Bunker:
[Edith has just broken up a fight between Mike and Gloria] When I was a little girl, my mother and father got into a terrible fight that started just because there wasn't enough maple syrup for my father's pancakes.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Ma, what we're arguing about is a little more important than maple syrup.

Edith Bunker:
Just a minute! I ain't finished! They didn't talk to each other for three whole weeks! And even after they made up things was never the same between them. So before you two start saying things to each other that you'll never take back, stop, and think how much you really mean to each other. Now I know that maple syrup is just a little thing, but would you rather break up over something bigger?

Archie Bunker:
Don't go blaming nothing on God that youse women brung on yourselves.

Gloria Stivic:
What?

Archie Bunker:
Yes, that's right. You don't believe me, read your Bible. Read the story about Adam and Eve there. Adam and Eve, they had it pretty soft out in paradise. They had no problems, they didn't even know they was naked. But Eve, she wasn't satisfied with all that, see? And one day against a direct order, she made poor Adam eat that apple. God got sore. He told them, "Get your clothes on and get the hell out of here".

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Now, we're going to get to the bottom of this. We're not going to sleep. You tell me WHY you got into a fight with your mother.

Gloria Stivic:
Because I love her.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
What?

Gloria Stivic:
I felt I had to tell her the truth about herself.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Oh, and because of that, now she's not speaking to you?

Gloria Stivic:
[mockingly] Yeeeessss.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[rolls his eyes] Oh, COME ON, Gloria. What are you trying to tell me? I know your mother; I've been living with her for over two years. She's a marvelous woman.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic, Gloria Stivic:
[angrily] Are you saying I'm NOT?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
No! No! I'm not saying that. But, uhhhh...

Gloria Stivic:
[mocks him] "But-uhhhh"... what?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
But... uhhhh...

Gloria Stivic:
"But-uhhhh"-what... but... what... BUT... WHAT?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
BUT you're not like your mother!

Gloria Stivic:
Well, thank God for THAT!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
You're like your father.

Gloria Stivic:
[shouts] WHAAAAAAAAAAT?

Archie Bunker:
[Gloria barges into the dining room after a brawl with her mother] What's going on out there? Where's dinner?

Gloria Stivic:
Is that all you ever think about - dinner?

Archie Bunker:
Well, when I'm sittin' at the dinner table - YES!

Edith Bunker:
Gloria, I don't think you should be talking to your father that way. I know you ain't feeling well, but he's your father!

Gloria Stivic:
Yeah, but that doesn't make him right, and when he's wrong, I'm going to tell him so.

Edith Bunker:
But you didn't tell him he was wrong, you told him he was stupid.

Gloria Stivic:
Well he is!

Gloria Stivic:
Ma, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, well you're not a half, not even a quarter, you're a nothing, a zero!

Edith Bunker:
Gloria!

Gloria Stivic:
And even if you stood up to him 10 TIMES as much as you do, 10 times nothing is STILL nothing!

Edith Bunker:
Do you think I'm a nothing?

Archie Bunker:
What kind of a question is that to ask me at 2:30 in the morning?

Edith Bunker:
I'm sorry. Nothing just came into my mind.

Archie Bunker:
It must've felt right at home there.

Gloria Stivic:
You can stop listening now, the fight is over.

Archie Bunker:
The fight might be over between you and him but it's not over between him and me. How dares he call me a bonehead?

Gloria Stivic:
And how did you hear that? Did you have your hot little ear pressed against the wall?

Archie Bunker:
Noooo!

Edith Bunker:
He listened with this glass.

Gloria Stivic:
Well I have one final thing to say to you. [picks up glass]

Archie Bunker:
Get it over with.

Gloria Stivic:
[presses glass against his ear and yells into it] GOOD NIGHT!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[storms into Archie's bedroom] You!

Archie Bunker:
What?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
You!

Archie Bunker:
What?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
...GAAAAAAAAAAAAH! [storms out]

Archie Bunker:
[turns to Edith] He made more sense when he was coming through the glass.

Archie Bunker:
That guy is a blackbuster.

Archie Bunker:
You're colored.

Chester Byrd:
Yes I am.

Archie Bunker:
You didn't sound colored on the phone.

Chester Byrd:
That's 'cause I used the white telephone.

Edith Bunker:
Stephie, don't you want to come with us and have fun at Disneyland?

Stephanie Mills:
No.

Archie Bunker:
You will have fun where I tell you to have fun.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, swearing is a sign of a weak mind.

Archie Bunker:
Ah, shut the hell up.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, you really think you're going on strike, huh?

Archie Bunker:
Well, I don't know - if some of them young hotheads down at the plant get their way. I don't know what some of these guys want. They're asking for staggered work shifts, lounges with pictures on the walls, and books. The want to turn the factory into a house of pleasure. They don't want to work - they're a bunch of fairies.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Daddy, people should be treated with respect!

Archie Bunker:
Listen little girl, respect is for the dead. The living need dough.

Archie Bunker:
I don't want no creepos, weirdos or sexos in my house!

Mike Stivic:
Why are you so cruel to midgets? What have they ever done to you?

Archie Bunker:
Oh very little.

Archie Bunker:
That's a great picture there. That's one of the greatest pictures ever made. If I was the Japs, I would give that picture the Jap Academy Reward.

Archie Bunker:
Can you believe a family of midgets by the name of the Bambinis?

Gloria Stivic:
No.

Archie Bunker:
Sure. You couldn't tell the parents from the kids until the old man lit up a cigar. They was walking around here talking about lowering all the door knobs.

Gloria Stivic:
I hope you didn't say anything to hurt their feelings.

Archie Bunker:
No, I think anything I said went right over their heads.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Look, Arch, what David did took a lot of guts!

Archie Bunker:
What do you mean, a lot of guts?

David Brewster:
My own father couldn't understand, why should he?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
When the hell are you going to admit that the war was wrong?

Archie Bunker:
I ain't talkin' about that war!Goddammit I don't want to talk about that Goddamn war no more! I'm talkin' about somethin' else! And what he done was wrong! Sayin' he won't go! Whaddya think, the old people of this country can say whether or not they wanna go to war? You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way! All the young people would say no - sure they would! Cause they don't wanna get killed! And that's why we leave it to the Congress, cause them old quacks ain't gonna get killed! And they're gonna do the right thing, and get behind the president and vote yes!

Pinky Peterson:
Arch, if my opinion is of any importance...

Archie Bunker:
Certainly your opinion is important! Gold Star Father. Your opinion is more important than anyone else in this room. And I wanna hear that opinion - I want these young people here to hear that opinion! Now you tell 'em, Pinky, you tell 'em.

Pinky Peterson:
I understand how you feel, Arch. My kid hated the war, too. But he did what he thought he had to do. And David here did what he thought he had to do. But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us. And if Steve were here he would want to sit down with him. And that's what I want to do.

[offering his hand to David]

Pinky Peterson:
Merry Christmas, David.

David Brewster:
Merry Christmas, sir.

Hugh Victor Thompson III:
I am Hugh Victor Thompson III. What is your name?

Archie Bunker:
I ain't telling you my name.

Hugh Victor Thompson III:
Why? Is it a funny name?

Archie Bunker:
No. It's a name right out of American history. Bunker, as in the Battle Of.

Hugh Victor Thompson III:
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bunker Hill.

Hugh Victor Thompson III:
[the lights come back on and Archie finds himself staring Mr. Thompson, a black man, in the face] Hello! What's the matter, Bunker? Afraid to face the future?

Archie Bunker:
[trapped in an elevator; trying the elevator phone] Hello? Operator?

Carlos Mendoza:
[to Archie] Se?or?

Archie Bunker:
[into phone] Operator?

Carlos Mendoza:
[to Archie] Se?or?

Archie Bunker:
Would somebody translate for this Spic here and tell him I'm trying to use the phone?

Carlos Mendoza:
[Hispanic accent] Is no need; this? uh? "Spic" speak English.

Archie Bunker:
Well, then you oughta know that I'm trying to call for help.

Carlos Mendoza:
I try to tell you, the phone only rings in the janitor's office.

Archie Bunker:
Well, then, that's who I'm trying to call.

Carlos Mendoza:
I am the janitor.

[Archie is missing]

Mike Stivic:
I'd better go over to the Friedman building and try to find him at the insurance office. Ma, can you remember the name?

Edith:
[Drunk] Archie Bunker.

Archie Bunker:
I saw a lot of action in the war.

Black Man:
During KP or latrine duty?

Archie Bunker:
As a soldier in the Army Air Corp, that's the only place we'd see you people.

Black Man:
As an officer in the Intelligence Division, I would never have seen you.

Archie:
Good going there, Pedro.

Carlos Mendoza:
My name is Carlos.

Archie:
Carlos it is, Pedro.

Mike Stivic:
Ma, can you remember the name of the insurance guy?

Edith Bunker:
Um... It's a German name... Hinklemeyer. That's it.

Archie Bunker:
Hinklemeyer, okay.

[exits]

Gloria Stivic:
Ma, are you sure that's the name?

Edith Bunker:
Yeah. Hinklemeyer, that's it.

[takes sip of wine]

Edith Bunker:
Or Swanson.

Carlos Mendoza:
Let me 'splain something to you, Mister. 1: How many children we have is 'cause we love each other very much. 2: You talk very intelligent, Mister, but you not so smart. 3: Shut up you face.

Archie Bunker:
What has hate got to do with this, you dumb Polack?

[repeated line]

Lionel Jefferson:
Don't condemn a whole group of people, for the actions of a few.

Archie:
[Admiring his new watch] This here tells me that it's morning in China. So right at this moment, eight hundred million Chinks are sitting down to breakfast.

Mike Stivic:
Archie, in the first place they are called Chinese.

Archie:
That's what I said, Chinks.

Wendell:
Let me make this perfectly clear.

Mike Stivic:
Gee where have I heard that before?

Harry Bentley:
Well, jambo.

George Jefferson:
Did you say Sambo?

Harry Bentley:
Jambo. It's Swahili. Actually it means "hello".

Louise Jefferson:
[as soon as Bentley leaves] George, I believe you were right about this place after all. Imagine, an English neighbor.

Harry Bentley:
[Immediately popping back in] Good God, you're black.

Archie Bunker:
[Mike's stammering] Listen to this guy "UUHH UUHH" he sounds like a seal with his throat cut. Come on, spit it out.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Well lately there hasn't been much blushing in this family and I don't mean me and Gloria. Figure it out. I'm so embarrassed!

Archie Bunker:
[discussing their bedroom problems] Ain't I always there? When you're in the mood?

Edith Bunker:
Yeah, Archie, and even when I ain't.

Archie Bunker:
Even when you ain't, how lucky can you get?

Edith Bunker:
I know. I was always lucky about that.

Archie Bunker:
Certainly you was always lucky about that.

Edith Bunker:
Even before we was married.

Archie Bunker:
Who'd you get lucky with before we was married?

Edith Bunker:
No, Archie, I didn't mean that. I mean that before we was married I had a long talk with my mother, see? [Archie visibly cringes] And she said to me that there was one thing about marriage that I wasn't gonna like, but it was a wife's duty, and I thought she was talking about doing the laundry, cause that's the only part about marriage that wasn't no fun.

Archie Bunker:
Is this gonna be long, Edith?

Edith Bunker:
No. So when I got pregnant...

Archie Bunker:
Not a nice word, not a nice word.

Edith Bunker:
When I got 'in the family way' with Gloria...

Archie Bunker:
Better, better, better, yeah.

Edith Bunker:
My mother said to me 'I see you're doing your duty as a wife', and I knew what she meant! And I didn't have the heart to tell her [grins, blushes] that I liked it.

Archie Bunker:
[stunned] But you should have told the old lady that! I mean maybe she would've given me some kind of respect.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[after finding the book Edith's reading] Ma, what are you doing with that book?

Edith Bunker:
Well, they was talking about it on the Dinah Shore show, and I figured if Dinah to read it it's okay for me to read it cause she ain't even been married lately.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Ma, I know all about this book. It's just trashy, it's full of all sorts of lies, and it gives you advice to do ridiculous, kinky thinks to make yourself more attractive to your husband, it's yucky!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Ma, the best thing for a person to when they're having a problem is to talk it over with the person they're having the problem with. Can't you talk to daddy?

Edith Bunker:
I can't talk to your father about it, he won't listen. I can't do it.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
You listen to me. If you can't talk to him about him about it, who can?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[cut to Mike in his house] Not me!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
I don't know what you want, I don't even know what the problem is.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well, neither do I.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Look, Gloria, just because Ma is reading a book about sex doesn't mean they're having a problem.

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
Well they will if she starts taking advice from that trashy book. It tells wives to greet their husbands at the door wearing nothing but a garter belt and a dry martini.

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
[interested] Where is this book?

Edith Bunker:
Archie, do I make you happy?

Archie Bunker:
Do you make me happy? Edith. You make me happy in every way. [winks at her, then glances upstairs]

Archie Bunker:
When it comes to making a guy happy, YOU wrote the book.

Edith Bunker:
The book! [suddenly realizes he didn't mean the sex book and starts to laugh]

Archie Bunker:
[Archie and Edith are next door at Mike and Gloria's house for Thanksgiving dinner] Come on, Edith, we're going home!

Edith Bunker:
We ain't had dinner yet!

Archie Bunker:
I ain't gonna have dinner, I'm scared to eat in this house. [Points at Mike] You know what that meathead just done? He gave the Bronx cheer to the Lord, so help me! And he's gonna bring up our grandson to do the same thing!

Edith Bunker:
Oh, Archie...

Archie Bunker:
[Interrupting Edith] Come on, Edith! Come with me, and don't look back or you'll be turned into a pillow of salt!

Gloria Bunker-Stivic:
[about Archie] Michael, you're very bright. You know the three subjects you should never discuss with him: religion, politics or anything else.

Mike Stivic:
Double header today huh Arch?

Archie Bunker:
What do you mean?

Mike Stivic:
You're gonna cheat the insurance company and Ma.

Archie Bunker:
Why don't you mind your own beeswax.

[when a presidential speech interrupts his TV show]

Archie Bunker:
Aww, geez... if Nixon keeps goin' on like that, he won't have Archie Bunker to kick around anymore.

[the repairman refuses to fix the TV now but offers to do it on Monday, because it is nearly Friday night and he is not allowed to drive his truck after sundown. Archie tries to persuade him to fix it now, but in vain]

Repairman:
I'm sorry. I just can't go against my religion.

Archie Bunker:
Hey, hey, turning down business - THAT'S against your religion.

Repairman:
Mr. Bunker, I can only answer that insult with an old Jewish expression: Tzun a leben in a hoyz mit a toyznt tsimers aye zolt hobn a boykhveytik un yeder tsimer.

[in Yiddish "may you live in a house with a thousand rooms, and get a stomachache in each room"]

Archie Bunker:
[puzzled] What the hell does that mean?

Repairman:
You'll never know, but believe me, I got even.

[the repairman leaves]

[Archie was interviewed regarding Richard Nixon]

Archie Bunker:
I told them how many people like me believe in President Nixon. God believes in him too.

Mike Stivic:
You said that on television? "God believes in Nixon"?

Archie Bunker:
Certainly. Billy Graham plays golf with him, don't he?

Mike Stivic:
What does that mean?

Archie Bunker:
That means God believes in Nixon.

Mike Stivic:
Wait a second, Arch. Are you saying that Nixon rules because of divine right?

Archie Bunker:
It's a damn sight better than your divine left.

Mike Stivic:
Gee, what other gems did you come up with?

Archie Bunker:
I'm gonna turn this thing on and get it ready.

[turns on the television set]

Archie Bunker:
Edith, what channel is Cronkite on?

Edith Bunker:
Channel 2, Archie. The one we don't watch 'cause you always say Walter Cronkite is a Communist.

Archie Bunker:
I never said that, Edith. The man ain't all red.

Archie Bunker:
[to vagrant] Why don't you go to sleep and dream about the tragedy that is your life.

Louise Jefferson:
Was it a timely death?

Archie Bunker:
Yeah, around lunchtime.

Archie Bunker:
I've just decided, uh, not to press the charges. [Hangs up the phone; Edith, Mike and Gloria instantly protest] Shush, shush, shush in front of the phone!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Why do you always have to talk stupid?

Archie Bunker:
To make you understand!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Funny.

Archie Bunker:
Let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side even when a guy holds me up?

Edith Bunker:
Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial?

Archie Bunker:
Certainly I will, sure I will. I'll lose a day's pay but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Hey, hey, wait a second Arch. You're talking about a human being.

Archie Bunker:
I'm talking about a creep!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
All right, I agree, he should be punished for what he did. But you don't go around calling people pieces of filth.

Archie Bunker:
How about "piece of creep"?

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
There you go talking stupid again.

Archie Bunker:
There you go understanding me again!

Sgt. Blair:
[Archie is in a police station to report that he'd been robbed while driving his taxi] I'm just taking your statement down here. Sgt. Roselli's gonna want to talk to you about it later.

Archie Bunker:
Aw, Roselli, huh? Jeez, whatever happened to all the Irish cops on the force? Let me tell ya, them are the guys who knew how to handle crime on the streets. They was always out there bustin' heads.

Sgt. Blair:
You like those old stereotypes, huh?

Archie Bunker:
Best types of all! They didn't waste no time bringing the "crinimals" into court to be let go. They'd grab a guy, they'd tell him, "hey, you don't do that no more!" Then they'd crack him on the skull so he wouldn't forget!

Sgt. Blair:
[Sarcastically] Nowadays our methods aren't quite so sophisticated.

Archie Bunker:
That's what I'm saying! A crack on the head is worth a thousand words!

Bobbi Jo Loomis:
[Archie is caught staring at Bobbi Jo's large chest] Archie, you're not going to find them looking there.

Edith Bunker:
[Comes up the stairs from the basement] Mike! I found some more packing boxes for you!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
Ah, thanks Ma.

Archie Bunker:
Aw, look at this. Hey, now you got a matching set of Polock luggage!

Michael 'Meathead' Stivic:
When I move outta here tomorrow I'm gonna feel like a guy who just served a 5-year sentence!

Archie Bunker:
Aw jeez, some tough sentence. Free room & board and sleeping with the warden's daughter!

Edith Bunker:
[final line] You know something, Archie: You're a pip. A real pip.

Stephanie:
A person can't go paralyzed by smelling cabbage.

Archie Bunker:
I don't know, the nose is a pretty strong thing. One time I was changing one of Joey's diapers and I nearly passed out.

Archie Bunker:
You know Edith, the whole damned rest of the world could go to the dogs, but as long as I got you standing by my side, or sitting by my side, or lying like this, by my side, I'd be alright. Oh Edith, I've been blowing my own horn for a long time, but I'm going to tell you something, I'm nothing without you.

Dr. Sidney Shapiro:
Mr. Bunker, I have known you since I was 6 years old.

Archie Bunker:
Yeah I didn't like you then either.

Dr. Sidney Shapiro:
And I don't like you now!

Dr. Sidney Shapiro:
[finds out Archie didn't know Edith was sick after accusing him of trying to kill her] Please don't tell my father.

Archie Bunker:
[in shock] I won't, just don't play baseball on my stoop anymore.

Dr. Sidney Shapiro:
Based on the smell in here, I can guess what you've been doing.

Archie Bunker:
[looks around funny] Well that might make somebody leave the room or open a window, but that's not gonna paralyze anybody.

Dr. Sidney Shapiro:
I'm not talking about cabbage!

Archie Bunker:
Well it can't be, I ain't ate any of it yet.

Edith Bunker:
I wash your clothes and iron your shirts and make sure they're all folded in the right drawers.

Archie Bunker:
Well I could hire Sybil Goolie to do all of that!

Edith Bunker:
Sybil Goolie would never do any of those things for you.

Archie Bunker:
Why not?

Edith Bunker:
Because she don't like you. [pause] I LOVE YOU, Archie. That's why I do all those things for you.

[last lines of the series]

Archie Bunker:
Oh, Edith - you know somethin'? If the whole damn world was to go to the dogs, as long as I had you by my side, y'know... or sittin' by my side... or, layin' here, like this, by my side... everything'll be... just okay. I've been blowin' my own horn, for a lotta years... but lemme tell you somethin'. I ain't NOTHIN'... [whispers] without you. [they kiss, then fumble over both drying their tears on his tie]

Edith Bunker:
[smiling through tears] You know somethin', Archie? You're a pip. A real pip.

Mike Stivic:
Did you ever think that possibly your father just might be wrong?

Archie Bunker:
My old man? Don't be stupid. My old man? Let me tell you, he was never wrong about nothing.

Mike Stivic:
Yes he was, Arch. My old man used to call people the same things as your old man. But I knew he was wrong. So is your old man.

Archie Bunker:
Don't tell me my father was wrong. Let me tell you something, a father who made you is wrong? A father, the breadwinner of the house there? The man who goes out and busts his butt to keep a roof over your head and clothes on your back you call him wrong? Father, that's the man that comes home, bringing you candy. Father is the first guy to throw a baseball to you. And take you for walks in the park holding you by the hand? My father held me by the hand, hey, my father had a hand on him though I tell you. He busted that hand once, and he busted the other on me to teach me to do good. My father, he shoved my in a closet for seven hours to teach me to do good, 'cause he loved me. Don't be looking at me. Let me tell you something, you're supposed to love your father 'cause your father loves you. How can any man who loves you tell you anything that's wrong?

Archie Bunker:
You know the story about Noah's Ark there, don't you? You know how the animals come up the gangplank there and into the ark. They came in twos: the sames with the sames and the differents with the differents. The tiger come up with the tigeress, the lion, he came up with the lioness. The zebra, he come up with the zebraella and the elephant, he came up with the... Uh... What? Geez, I forget the term. You know, the point I'm trying to make is the elephant didn't come walking up there with a Polack.

Archie Bunker:
You don't trust nobody out there except your own kind. You remember that, Meathead.

Mike Stivic:
That's another thing. Meathead. Why must you always call me Meathead?

Archie Bunker:
What the hell... Why does that bother you? I'll bet I wasn't the first to call you 'Meathead'.

Mike Stivic:
You were the only one to ever call me Meathead. They never called me that in school. They called me Michael or Mike, or Mickey.

Archie Bunker:
Well, what a sweet little school you went to there.

Mike Stivic:
What did they call you in school?

Archie:
Different things.

Mike Stivic:
Tell me, what did they call you in school?

Archie:
Well, I remember one winter during the Depression when we didn't have any money because my father lost his job, we was all bust. And I wore out a shoe. One shoe. So I couldn't go to school with only one shoe. But my mother found a boot, so I had a shoe on one foot there and a boot on the other. A shoe and a boot. So the kids call me 'Shoebootie'.

Mike Stivic:
They used to call you 'Shoebootie', huh?

[laughs]

Archie:
They used to holler, "Tutti fruitti, here comes Shoebootie." They called me that until they learned my name was Archibald and they thought that was funny. And then I wished they'd go back to 'Shoebootie'.

Mike:
The kids all made fun of you, huh?

Archie:
Yeah, they all made fun of me. Except for this one little black kid named Winston.

Mike:
A black kid liked you?

Archie:
No, the black kid beat the hell out of me.

Mike:
Why? He must have had a reason.

Archie:
Well he said that I said he was a "n*gger".

Mike:
Did you?

Archie:
Sure. That's what all them people were called in them days. Everybody we knew called them people n*ggers. It's all my old man called'em there. What the hell was I supposed to do? I didn't know what to call them. I couldn't call him a Wop. I couldn't call him Wop, 'cause Wop is what we called the Dagos.

Mike Stivic:
Good night, Shoebootie.

[Mike has just injured himself, trying to break down the door of the store room at Archie's Place]

Archie Bunker:
If I wasn't so mad at you, I'd laugh like hell.

Mike Stivic:
Well, I am not the one who left the key on the other side of the door.

Archie Bunker:
Well, I am not the one who slammed and locked the door with the key on the other side.

Mike Stivic:
I am not the one who didn't say, "Don't close the door! The key is on the other side!"

Archie Bunker:
I am not the one who sponged off of me for five years and didn't earn nothing but the name of Meathead!

Mike Stivic:
I AM NOT THE ONE WHO SITS AND WATCHES KOREAN MIDGETS WRESTLING ON CHANNEL 5 AND THINKS IT'S EDUCATIONAL TV!

Archie Bunker:
I AM NOT THE ONE THAT SITS IN FRONT OF A TELEVISION SET FOR A WHOLE HOUR STARING AT THE SAME ORCHESTRA!

Mike Stivic:
I LIKE SYMPHONIES!

Archie Bunker:
IF YOU LIKE SYMPHONIES, YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!

[Archie blows a raspberry and waves his fingers like a conductor]

Archie Bunker:
You dumbbell!

Mike Stivic:
Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate. Watergate!

Archie Bunker:
Don't say that no more, GODDAMN IT!

Edith Bunker:
You shouldn't swear like that. Ever since this Watergate thing it's GD this and GD that.

Archie Bunker:
That ain't swearing, GD. The first word is God. How can that be a swear word? The most popular word in the Bible. The second word, damn, that's a perfectly good word, you hear it all the time, like they dammed the river to keep it from flooding it. And you read in the Bible that some guy was damned for cheating or stealing or having "insex" in the family. And who damned him? Who else? God. God damned him. Edith, beautiful words right out of the Holy Book. Don't show your ignorance!

Mike Stivic:
Why is Jefferson number 2?

Archie Bunker:
Because, Meathead, there can only be one number 1 and one number 2 and life made Jefferson number 2 long before I come along.

Gloria Stivic:
So then Puerto Ricans are number 3 then, huh Daddy?

Archie Bunker:
Well not necissarily there, Little Girl, your Puerto Ricans can be 4. Your Japs and your Chinks can be 3 - 3A, 3B.

Blanche Hefner:
Don't fight, Boys, try to be happy together.

Archie Bunker, Barney Hefner:
Ah, shut up.

Archie Bunker:
Wait, you can't escape me in the toilet. Hey, don't do nothing yet. If I was the last man on Earth and you was the last woman, I would go to bed with a bush.

Archie Bunker:
[playing Monopoly] Mortgage some of your houses there or sell your property.

Blanche Hefner:
No, if I do that I'll lose money and I won't collect any rent. You know, he'd lend it to me if he wasn't so cheap.

Barney Hefner:
It's not a matter of cheap, it's against the rules of the game.

Blanche Hefner:
No, it's cause you're so cheap. After all, rules are made to be broken.

Barney Hefner:
Well, you ought to know.

Archie Bunker:
Didn't anybody try to warn you about Blanche before you got married to her?

Barney Hefner:
Yeah, a couple of people. But I didn't pay any attention to them. 'Cause I knew they didn't like her from the beginning.

Archie Bunker:
Who were they?

Barney Hefner:
Her mother and father.

Laura Grant:
My main concern is to find a proper place for the child.

Archie Bunker:
Oh, hey, I wanna do that too. But, I wanna be sure she goes... Um, with her own kind. Well, what I mean to say, as you know yourself, that certain mixtures, see, they don't... Uh, mix.

Laura Grant:
What kind of mixtures did you have in mind?

Archie Bunker:
Well you know, the wrong mixtures. Present company suspected.

Archie Bunker:
Some red nail polish, Edith? Why didn't you just buy her some rouge, high heels and a lamp post.

Archie Bunker:
Do you know the kind of money it takes to raise a child? You know, yanking out the tonsils and the adenoods. Straightening the teeth, straightening the eyes.

Edith Bunker:
Her eyes?

Archie Bunker:
All girls go cock-eyed during puberescency.

Edith Bunker:
He's really a wonderful man, my husband, and underneath he's very sweet.

Archie Bunker:
Damn that Barney Hefner, I'm gonna murder him. Look what happened to me just now: I nearly busted an ankle jumping over two pyramids that Barney's dog left on our sidewalk.

Edith Bunker:
Stifle!

I barely heard the quote by Michael Stivic but Gloria was pregnant and Mike didn't want to be a father. Apparently they had a big fight and Mike left the house. He cooled off and came back to the house. He told Gloria he apologized and wanted to write her a note … but he said a poet wrote it for him. I can't remember the poet. It was a very short poem that ended with the words "bouncing baby" or "bouncing a baby." The quote is very important to me for I have a friend who is struggling with the decision to have a baby at a fairly late age. Please reach me at 765-760-7621 or by email at:
robonieal1224@gmail.com. Thank you!!

“Look, honey, Look, honey,

I... I was wrong.

I... I really do wanna

have the baby.

Look,

I want you to read somethin'.

It says it a lot

better than I can.

It's, uh, something

Alistair Cooke wrote.”

“Alistair what?”

“Alice, the cook.”

"In the best of times, our

days are numbered anyway.

And so it would be

a crime against nature

for any generation to take

the world crisis so solemnly

that it put off

enjoying those things

for which we were

designed in the first place.

The opportunity

to do good work,

to fall in love,

to enjoy friends, to hit a ball

and to bounce a baby."

"You don't buy beer, you rent it."

- Archie Bunker