Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road

Blue Collar Comedy Tour: One for the Road is a 2006 direct-to-video film and two-disc CD album.

Year:
2006
2,397 Views

Bill Engvall:
My wife goes, "Bill, you got too much stress," and I said, "I don't got any stress," and she goes, "Bill, you almost got kicked off an airplane!" Good point. Well, what happened was I got on this plane, it's an early morning flight, and they board us and I take out my Game Boy and start playing it while they are still boarding. Yeah, I know, Lord forbid I read a newspaper or Time magazine. I gotta get Scooter to Level 9! But I'm minding my own buisness, playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden, the pilot comes on. He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to be a little delayed. They didn't put enough gas on the plane." Why would you make that announcement? Make something up! Tell me you ate a piece of bad fish and you got the runs, tell me *something*! Don't tell me we don't got enough gas on the plane. That's like number two on the check list for, "It's OK to takeoff!" Keys, GAS! See, the way the process works in my little brain is that the gas truck pulls up next to the plane, the pilot sticks his head out the window and goes, "Fill 'er up!" Yeah, I get the one pilot in America, "We're going to Vegas, give me 5 bucks, we'll be alright." There's nothing I can do about it, so I just keep playing my Game Boy. All of a sudden the flight addendant walks by and y'all, I might as well've been building a plutonium bomb. She *flips*, and she goes, "Sir, sir! You need to shut that off right now!" I'm 48 years old. Now all of a sudden I'm 6. "Bu-bu-bu... but if I shut it off, then Scooter'll die and I'll have to go back to Level 1!" And then she said it. She said, "Sir, do you know where the on/off switch is? [Rolls eyes] I said, "Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't want to be jackass. You just pushed my jackass button." I said, "Yeah, I know where the on/off switch is. Do you know where the gas cap is?" And you know, a body cavity search isn't so bad if you just relax...

Jeff Foxworthy:
This woman came up to me at the book signing. She had the biggest butt I have ever seen in my life. And you've seen these kind of people. They're like, from the waist up, they're built kind of normally. And then from the waist down, it's like an explosion took place.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You know, just huge. I mean, from a distance, she looked like a poodle riding a Hippety-Hop. I mean, like...

[pantomimes, to raucous laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And there's no telling how big her butt really was, 'cause she had it *packed* in these jeans. I mean, it was crammed in there. I could hear the zipper crying.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
You got the feeling that some night, some guy was going to get her home, get that top button unbuttoned, and that thing was going to come flying out of there like a Navy life raft. You know...

[pantomimes again]

Jeff Foxworthy:
But the thing that was intriguing about it was she had this attitude like she was the hottest thing on the planet. And I love big girls that think they're sexy. 'Cause I think guys look at them kind of like we do those rodeo bulls. You know, we're like "I bet I could ride it. But I'd probably get hurt."

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
So anyway, I signed her books for her, and when she went to walk away, she wasn't just walking, she was strutting. I mean, you know, like popping it. And I'm watching her 'cause I'm scared she's going to knock over some little kids or something.

[laughter]

Jeff Foxworthy:
And my brother leaned over and tapped me on the arm, and he said "That looks like two blue Volkswagens trying to pass each other on a gravel road."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
I relieve my stress by buying stuff. I'll go to Cabela's or Bass Pro Shops, yeah.

[applause]

Bill Engvall:
Here's the problem: I'm an impulse buyer. I'll like "Oh, look. I bought a deer feeder." Then I'll think "Oh, man. I gotta get it home."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And that drives my wife crazy. 'Cause she's very much a list shopper. Like, she hates it when I get on airplanes. Because the airlines now have this magazine called SkyMall magazine.

[whoops and hollers]

Bill Engvall:
[laughing] Oh, that is my crack. I know it's just crap. But it's crap I've gotta have.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
I bought a escalator for my house.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Just 'cause it conveniently fits underneath the bed.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
That's how they get you. You ever been flipping through that magazine, not paying a bit of attention? All of a sudden, this will catch your eye: "Tired of your knees touching when you sleep?"

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Well, now that you mention it, yes I am!

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
And they sell some stupid stuff in there. Have you seen that rubber thing you put on your shoes? And it says "You can aerate your own lawn."

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
[laughs] Okay, how big a loser are you, stomping around your yard? "I'm saving money."

[stomps around the stage, to raucous laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Don't get me wrong; it works.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
She got really mad at me when I ordered a digital fly swatter out of that magazine.

[laughter]

Bill Engvall:
Well, come on! It keeps track of swats, hits and kills. And the best part is, you could hook it to the internet, and you could see where you rank nationally as a fly swatter.


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