CSI: Crime Scene Investigation

Gil Grissom:
There is always a clue.

Hodges:
I didn't page you.

Nick Stokes:
No. I just figured I'd come by.

Hodges:
You're checking up on me again.

Nick Stokes:
No, I'm checking up on my evidence.

Hodges:
Do you think if you hover the FTIR will work faster?

Nick Stokes:
Yes, Hodges, that's what I think.

Gil Grissom:
I just got a page from James Watson.

Nick Stokes:
And I got one from Francis Crick. What's going on, Greg?

Greg Sanders:
Well, as you both know, Watson and Crick are the granddaddies of DNA. Without their discoveries, I'd have nothing to do all day.

Nick Stokes:
What have you been doing all day?

Gil Grissom:
Where's your enthusiasm?

Greg Sanders:
Whenever I find a match in here, my world gets a little smaller. Out there I felt large.

Gil Grissom:
Out there means a pay cut.

Greg Sanders:
I'm not about the money.

Nick Stokes:
Is there anything you won't bet on, man?

Warrick Brown:
Nah.

[Nick has offered to make a bet on a case]

Warrick Brown:
I don't get out of bed for less than a bill.

Warrick Brown:
You just don't let up, do you?

Sara Sidle:
It's a flaw.

Gil Grissom:
I can't tell whether he's brilliant or nuts.

Captain Jim Brass:
Sound familiar?

[after telling Grissom something that Grissom already knows]

Greg Sanders:
I guess I should stop trying to impress you.

Gil Grissom:
That would impress me.

Greg Sanders:
I had to send this to an outside lab since we're not equipped to carry out bacterial DNA analysis. Hint, hint.

Sara Sidle:
Dead body! Bonus.

[Grissom admits to a mistake]

Gil Grissom:
What?

Nick Stokes:
Well, it's just that most people don't admit to being wrong.

Gil Grissom:
I'm wrong all the time. It's how I get to "right".

Sara Sidle:
Is there truly no place left in Las Vegas without slot machines?

Catherine Willows:
Never doubt. Never look back. That's how I live my life.

Gil Grissom:
I admire that.

Dr. Al Robbins:
I'll know more later.

Gil Grissom:
You always tell me that.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Yes, I do.

[Cath stares at the body of her deceased ex-husband]

Dr. Al Robbins:
Catherine, you can't say goodbye in an autopsy room.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Hand me that foot, would you?

Catherine Willows:
[to Grissom] What would you do without me?

Gil Grissom:
Are we paying you by the word?

Gil Grissom:
Ok, we're going off the board tonight.

Sara Sidle:
Off the board?

Catherine Willows:
Fish. The ones that got away.

Sara Sidle:
Oh. I missed that one.

[Sara storms in, obviously angry]

Sara Sidle:
You weren't in your office.

Gil Grissom:
And good morning to you too, Miss Sidle.

Gil Grissom:
Sometimes I can be a little thoughtless.

Catherine Willows:
I wouldn't say that. Not just any guy would walk a girl to the morgue.

Catherine Willows:
We're mid-case. Why do we have to do this now?

Gil Grissom:
Well, unless I get these evaluations in, I'll be written up.

Catherine Willows:
My goals... all right, for starters, I'd like two consecutive nights off. I would like to cut my triples down to 10 instead of the usual 20, and I would love to find a reliable babysitter so I could have myself some kind of a personal life.

Gil Grissom:
You don't have a personal life?

Catherine Willows:
Write this down: I haven't had sex in six - no, seven months.

Gil Grissom:
How can I help? [Her eyes widen] You. Advance, I mean.

Catherine Willows:
So, any luck with the blood and hair samples I gave you?

Greg Sanders:
Don't insult me. Luck is only for those without skill.

Catherine Willows:
Spoken like a man who's never hit the jackpot.

Greg Sanders:
Sad, but true.

Gil Grissom:
What you do on your time is your business. What you do on my time is my business.

Nick Stokes:
Mrs Hendler, do you and your husband do much rock climbing?

Amy Hendler:
Yes. [points gun at Nick] That's what I killed her with.

[after Greg kicks him out of the lab]

Warrick Brown:
Did you take your medication today?

Greg Sanders:
All work and no play makes Greg a dull boy.

Gil Grissom:
All play and no work makes Greg an UNEMPLOYED boy.

Gil Grissom:
Amazing how the sight of blood can clear a room.

[to Warrick]

Catherine Willows:
Whatever you say, Superfly.

Catherine Willows:
If something doesn't feel right to you, it usually isn't.

Nick Stokes:
There's a sucker born every minute.

Gil Grissom:
Yeah, and they all come to Vegas.

[suspect shows Cath a picture of a guy]

Suspect:
I have THIS guy keeping me at home.

Catherine Willows:
Ahhh, did you get that picture from your wallet? I mean, when you bought it?

Greg Sanders:
Ninety-nine bottles of beer on the wall, ninety-nine bottles of beer. Swab one down, run it through CODIS, ninety-eight bottles of beer on the wall.

[to Grissom upon seeing a bug]

Catherine Willows:
Hey, look at that. Your six-legged soul mate.

[Later in the lab]

Sara Sidle:
You made my pickle into a light bulb?

[to a recalcitrant suspect]

Captain Jim Brass:
Newsflash. You can't make a deal if you keep your mouth shut.

[Looking for clues in a messy trailer]

Nick Stokes:
People are pigs.

Gil Grissom:
Don't insult the pigs, Nick. They're actually very clean.

[after Gil Grissom lights up a pickle in the lab]

Gil Grissom:
You know this is how I cooked my hot dogs in college.

Gil Grissom:
No victim can ever say we didn't try.

Sara Sidle:
So what is it?

Hodges:
Give me some time, I'm not a miracle worker.

Sara Sidle:
Well, that's obvious, Hodges, or else you wouldn't be rude.

Hodges:
I wasn't being rude, I was being curt. Rude would be "When I know, you'll know." Friends?

Sara Sidle:
No.

[in the autopsy room, looking over fragmented bones]

Dr. Al Robbins:
You want a breast or a thigh?

Catherine Willows:
It's your kitchen.

Greg Sanders:
Hey Catherine, you think Sara would go to dinner with me?

Catherine Willows:
Sure, as long as you don't tell her it's a date.

Gil Grissom:
The rich are just as depraved as the poor.

Captain Jim Brass:
What are you doing after work?

Gil Grissom:
More work.

Hodges:
"Thank you Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree."

Catherine Willows:
What's up, David? You find something?

David Phillips:
I was just thinking that I wouldn't be caught dead in those shorts.

Warrick Brown:
Was that a confession?

Gil Grissom:
I think a plea of insanity.

Captain Jim Brass:
Hey, look what I found: a knife with blood on it.

Gil Grissom:
Hey, look what I found: dead guy.

Captain Jim Brass:
Our friend Tony just checked into the hotel. Didn't even unpack his bags.

Grissom:
He made enemies fast.

Dr. Al Robbins:
He's been pretty worked over. How many teeth did you find at the crime scene?

Grissom:
Two.

Dr. Al Robbins:
He's missing six.

Grissom:
"The evil men do always lives after them. The good is often interred with their bones."

Warrick Brown:
Shakespeare?

Grissom:
[nods] Julius Caesar.

Greg Sanders:
[about orthodontia] I had it all - palate expander, braces, retainer, headgear. Five years of torture, but worth every penny, don't you think?

Sara Sidle:
Clothing, $85. Earrings, $30. Latte, $4. Getting away with murder...

Gil Grissom:
Priceless.

[about an elastic plastic]

Gil Grissom:
What's it found in?

Hodges:
Greg-Sanders-wear.

[talking to a suspect about a broken mirror at the crime scene]

Sara Sidle:
You know that's seven years bad luck.

Captain Jim Brass:
More like seven to ten.

Captain Jim Brass:
What can't you put your finger on, apart from the cut off switch?

Captain Jim Brass:
Let me put it this way - I'd want them investigating my murder.

Nick Stokes:
You don't have a career without a job.

Captain Jim Brass:
[an accused perp bends over to be searched] You better save that position for later, you'll need it where you're going.

Nick Stokes:
Well, it takes 10 minutes to drive from the clinic to Industrial Road.

Warrick Brown:
Yeah?

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, I had Greg run it.

Warrick Brown:
[laughing] That's classic!

Greg Sanders:
For the record, I really like having a penis.

Catherine Willows:
[looking at a surveillance video of a teenage boy in an elevator] You crack this kid's head open, all that would come out would be T&A.

Greg Sanders:
I think you said that about me once.

Catherine Willows:
Actually, more than once.

[Grissom walks by the lab where Greg is playing music]

Gil Grissom:
Hey, Sanders, no punk rock.

Greg Sanders:
What about Black Flag?

Gil Grissom:
Are you nuts?

Gil Grissom:
My bugs are my babies, my children.

Gil Grissom:
So, let's see. You surf, you scuba dive. You're into latex, you like fashion models and Marilyn Manson. And you also have a coin collection?

Greg Sanders:
Weird, ha?

Gil Grissom:
Well, I race cockroaches!

Gil Grissom:
Did you hear the one about the cop and the monkey who go into a bar?

Catherine Willows:
I'm not in the mood.

Gil Grissom:
Neither was the monkey.

Zach:
You know how it is, you look like you were a jock in college.

Greg Sanders:
Me?

Sara Sidle:
Him?

Nick Stokes:
You need to get a girlfriend.

David Phillips:
I'm engaged, but thank you.

Nick Stokes:
[Archie was talking to Nick about a Star Trek episode] You need a girlfriend.

Archie:
You first.

Gil Grissom:
I'm sorry, you look lost

Sheriff Rory Atwater:
I've been calling your cell.

Gil Grissom:
We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner, I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.

[liquid from the trunk of a car containing two corpses splashes up onto Greg's face and into his mouth]

Sara Sidle:
Technically, that makes you a cannibal. Grissom would be proud.

Greg Sanders:
Grissom would have tasted it on purpose.

Greg Sanders:
I, am a genius.

Warrick Brown:
Let me guess, you ran the DNA and got a hit?

Greg Sanders:
No.

Gil Grissom:
You ran the DNA and something distinctive came up?

Greg Sanders:
No.

Warrick Brown:
You rolled out of bed and managed to dress yourself?

Greg Sanders:
No.

Catherine Willows:
Lovers and co-workers, that never works.

Catherine Willows:
What kind of perverse game are you playing here, Gil?

Gil Grissom:
I'm not a pervert.

Sara Sidle:
I think this print dust is getting to me. Would you mind finishing up the fridge?

Greg Sanders:
Do I get a gold star?

Sara Sidle:
I was really into gold stars when I was a kid.

Greg Sanders:
As opposed to now?

Gil Grissom:
Maestro, what's the deal with our floater? [shouts over the music] Professor! What's up with our floater?

Catherine Willows:
How old were you when your father died?

Gil Grissom:
Nine.

Catherine Willows:
Little guy.

Catherine Willows:
Hey, you.

Warrick Brown:
Hey.

Catherine Willows:
How uh... are you holding up?

Warrick Brown:
I'm fine.

Catherine Willows:
You sure?

Warrick Brown:
Yeah.

Catherine Willows:
...you're in the women's bathroom.

[identifying an insect at a crime scene]

Gil Grissom:
Dermastidae masculatus.

Sara Sidle:
That's Latin for "You're hiding a dead body."

Warrick Brown:
Who brings a gun to a knife fight?

Gil Grissom:
The winner?

Gil Grissom:
[to Hodges] So you're saying our killer had metal balls?

Catherine Willows:
You know how you're always pushing that holy trinity stuff?

Gil Grissom:
Father, Son and Holy Ghost?

Catherine Willows:
Victim, suspect, crime scene.

Gil Grissom:
That one, huh?

Gil Grissom:
I tend not to believe people; they lie. The evidence never lies.

Greg Sanders:
[about Sara] You want a valium for her?

Sara Sidle:
I heard that!

Nick Stokes:
[Greg opens a cupboard and pulls out a book] I thought that's where you kept your porn.

Greg Sanders:
I move it around.

Greg Sanders:
Bringing back a semen sample... I analyzed this and found your DNA.

Nick Stokes:
That was quick.

Greg Sanders:
No jokes about my being fast in this department.

Nick Stokes:
Hah.

Catherine Willows:
The thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility it might come true. And when you lose that possibility it just... kinda... sucks.

Paul Newsome, District Engineer:
Look, lady...

Catherine Willows:
Catherine.

Paul Newsome, District Engineer:
Sorry.

Catherine Willows:
Don't say "Sorry". Just know who you're talking to.

Captain Jim Brass:
I still can't believe you messed up the crime scene.

Gil Grissom:
Her body fell out when I opened the door. It happens. We move on.

Captain Jim Brass:
Uh-huh. It's gonna bother you all day.

Catherine Willows:
[crawling through collapsed building] Am I almost at ground zero?

Nick Stokes:
Hey, Greg

Greg Sanders:
[looking through the microscope] Shh! I might be looking at the mother of my children here.

Nick Stokes:
Somebody's been putting in way too much overtime.

Greg Sanders:
No, man, this is serious. I had a date last night and this girl has the most impossible green eyes. Just... BAM! Shoulder-length blonde hair, intelligent, and she smells so good.

Nick Stokes:
Cute toes?

Greg Sanders:
Oh, ideal!

Nick Stokes:
Mmm.

Greg Sanders:
And none are longer than the big toe.

Nick Stokes:
Mmm.

Greg Sanders:
Both feet. But, you know, what I need to know is what's on the inside?

Nick Stokes:
Oh, what's in her heart?

Greg Sanders:
No... her DNA. And let me tell you, this girl has got some fine epithelials.

Nick Stokes:
[laughing] Dude, you're sick. Man, you've officially lost it!

Greg Sanders:
No, no. There is this guy in Louisville. He charges 300 clams to test your spouse's underwear for foreign DNA. Now, that guy is sick. I'm just a romantic.

Nick Stokes:
But whatever happened to getting to know someone over coffee, letting the relationship evolve? Romantic is sending flowers, not bogarting her skin cells.

Greg Sanders:
Ahh, that's boring.

Nick Stokes:
[In class, Grissom has learned through Langston where to find a DJK victim. Grissom is out with the CSI team in the area where they were told to look] There's ten stab wounds.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to Grissom] Guess you won't be leaving just yet.

Captain Jim Brass:
[about Langston] He's a little cranky for an academic, isn't he?

Gil Grissom:
Actually, he's an M.D from back east. A colleague at his hospital turned out to be an angel of death, killed 27 patients before he was caught. Langston was the staff's research pathologist, all the morbidity evidence came across his desk, but he was unable to connect the dots. He wrote a book about it.

Captain Jim Brass:
Was it any good?

Gil Grissom:
I liked it.

Gil Grissom:
So, let's assume that 'shoe print' was involved in all four murders. It's possible that he knew, Gerald, right? Is it also possible that he was an accomplice of D.J.K.?

Greg Sanders:
That would explain the 9 post-mortem stab wounds in Ian Wallace. It's a continuation of the master's work.

Catherine Willows:
But if he was D.J.K.'s helper, back in the day, why go quiet for 10 years then suddenly start killing again?

Greg Sanders:
Maybe he was doing time?

Catherine Willows:
And when he realized that his old partner turned informant, he got scared and killed him.

Gil Grissom:
Maybe that's what brought the old thrill back. Once these guys get a taste, it never seems to go away.

Greg Sanders:
Sara, I just want you to know that when we were in the shower together, I didn't see anything.

Sara Sidle:
Really? Gosh, I saw everything...

Captain Jim Brass:
Let me get this straight, Larry. An old man refuses to let you steal his money, so you jack a Hummer and try to run over his taco stand?

Lawrence Lafontaine:
Maybe.

Gil Grissom:
I think this is the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

[last lines]

Gil Grissom:
Tough shift, huh?

Nick Stokes:
Just another day in paradise.

Judy Tremont:
[answering the phone] Crime Lab. How can we help you?

[first lines]

Officer Metcalf:
This is the best taco I ever had.

Gil Grissom:
I'm happy for you both.

Captain Jim Brass:
What, did you piss off Ecklie again? This is a hit and run. I was expecting Greg Sanders.

Gil Grissom:
We're slammed. Everybody's on a case.

Greg Sanders:
No matter how hard you work to get big, there's always someone bigger.

Sara Sidle:
It could be what keeps them going. Like Freud said, "Anatomy is destiny".

Greg Sanders:
What do you think Freud would have to say about one of these being the murder weapon?

Greg Sanders:
This is just like that Edgar Allan Poe story where the victim's heart under the floorboards betrays the murder.

Gil Grissom:
"The Tell-Tale Heart". I thought you didn't like reading the classics.

Greg Sanders:
I do when they're about dismembered bodies.

David Hodges:
How old were you when you first got drunk?

Nick Stokes:
Oh, 16, 17.

David Hodges:
Amortized over a generation, 12 is about right?

Nick Stokes:
So your saying, two generations from now, 4 year olds are just gonna be getting trashed?

David Hodges:
Pre-school graduation parties are going to be off the hook.

Mrs. Jones:
[about Chase; crying] You put your best friend in a... in a dryer, and you turned it on, and you just walked away? What is wrong with you?

Catherine Willows:
The sheriff said they were chasing another car. A...

Gil Grissom:
Lemme guess, a Buick?

Catherine Willows:
I hate it when you do that.

Greg Sanders:
Who keeps a gun in a clay pot?

Hodges:
That would be no-one.

Warrick Brown:
[to Nick who has grown a mustache] Hey, mustache boy.

Gil Grissom:
Make sure you document these skid marks [walks away]

Greg Sanders:
[laughs and says under his breath] He said skid marks.

Catherine Willows:
So just how did the meeting with the undersheriff go?

Conrad Ecklie:
Worse than the dentist. Better than the proctologist.

Sophia Curtis:
If I can't talk to one of my good friends, who can I talk to? My mother? Oh, I forgot, she's a cop too!

Sara Sidle:
[snippily] I can recommend the department psychologist.

David Phillips:
Why can't people die closer to the road?

Nick Stokes:
You know when I was a kid we used to make these out of lunch trays and mower motors.

Greg Sanders:
When I was a kid, I made bombs.

[Nick looks at Greg]

Greg Sanders:
Little bombs.

[after catching "Hot Rod" to ask him some questions]

Nick Stokes:
Nothing says "I'm guilty" like running from the cops, dumbass.

Gil Grissom:
I think we've got a little murder.

[after she has fallen onto the victims' blood]

Catherine Willows:
Don't touch me, I'm evidence.

Catherine Willows:
Theaters are like nightclubs. They should always keep the lights off.

Gil Grissom:
This is the last art house left in Vegas. I saw Baraka here, on a double bill with Koyaanisquatsi.

Catherine Willows:
Was there anyone else here?

Gil Grissom:
Sure.

Catherine Willows:
With you?

Gil Grissom:
No.

Catherine Willows:
What'd I miss?

Gil Grissom:
Murder, seduction, deceit. The usual.

Catherine Willows:
Mmm. This one of your favorites?

Gil Grissom:
Actually, I'm not a big fan of noir.

Catherine Willows:
Okay... Well, what do you like?

Gil Grissom:
I like silent movies.

[Catherine looks at him, then she looks at the screen when Gil looks at her for a second and turns back to the screen again]

Greg Sanders:
99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. You swab one down and run it through CODIS, 98 bottles of beer on the wall.

Nick Stokes:
What ever happened to 'take one down pass it around'? That's the best part.

Greg Sanders:
You know, us labrats have to do something to get through the day.

Ronald D. Moore:
You suck!

David Hodges:
He's dead, Jim.

Greg Sanders:
[after watching the fanboys denounce "Astro Quest Redux"] So let me get this straight: some nerd takes a cheesy '60s sci-fi show and turns it into something a little more realistic - minus the spaceship, of course - and the other nerds get pissed off enough that they beat him up and kill him over it?

Archie Johnson:
People don't like it when you mess with their heroes.

Nick Stokes:
[interviewing a bartender in alien makeup] Well, there's nothing worse than a bunch of drunk conventioners. Must be hard enough to sling drinks without making you play dress-up.

William:
[removes his alien headpiece to reveal extensive facial scarring] How do you like this makeup? Got it on my second tour of Afghanistan. These Astro Questers, they believe in a future where human beings, they transcend their differences. I wouldn't mind living in a world like that.

Nick Stokes:
[chastened] Yeah, me either.

Jonathan Danson:
My name is Jonathan Danson, and I'm here to set you free. Free from a vision of an antiseptic future filled with... with heroes and heroines who are always steadfast and well-adjusted and altruistic. Like most of you, I grew up with "Astro Quest." Every Thursday night my dad would gather the family around our TV to watch the latest episode. I loved it! But the older I got, the more the mythology began to eat away at my soul. I couldn't measure up to the brave crew of that perfect ship. I wasn't handsome, courageous and strong, I was weak, petty, self-destructive and I hated myself for it. But then, one night it hit me like a bolt of lightning. I looked around the bar at the other frightened, sad people and I said to myself "Do you see an Artemus Bishop here? Do you see one at work?" People, look around you! Do you see an Artemus Bishop anywhere? Of course not, because he's a fictional construct, a phantom who whispers "You are not enough!" Well, I am here to show you who we really are. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Astro Quest Redux!"

Wendy Simms:
So if you're having some fantasies about me dressed up in a tin foil bikini dancing around in a casbah on a strange alien planet then... *good.*

David Hodges:
Good?

Wendy Simms:
Yes, *good.* Because it means you're not as oblivious as everyone around here seems to think you are.

Captain Jim Brass:
This is a no-smoking facility.

[a Magician makes the cigarette disappear]

Captain Jim Brass:
When you find that, put it out.

Sara Sidle:
You didn't beep me for a magic trick.

Greg Sanders:
Swami doesn't do magic tricks, Swami is here to reveal all your DNA secrets

Sara Sidle:
I'm very busy Greg.

Catherine Willows:
Thousands of girls come to Vegas every year, just hoping to beat the odds.

Gil Grissom:
Some of them do.

Catherine Willows:
And some of them don't.

Catherine Willows:
Your father ever tell you you were pretty?

Sara Sidle:
I guess.

Catherine Willows:
Did he ever tell you you were smart?

Sara Sidle:
Yeah.

Catherine Willows:
So it probably never occurred to you that you wouldn't be successful. If all you ever hear is that you're gorgeous, you can let everything fall away and leave you in a very dangerous place.

Father Powell:
He needs spiritual guidance.

[Grissom looks at the suspect, then looks at the dead body]

Gil Grissom:
Yeah, I imagine he does.

Father Powell:
Ah. Then you'd have no problem with my talking to him.

Gil Grissom:
It's the 11th hour. I wouldn't expect anything less.

Father Powell:
Eleventh hour?

Gil Grissom:
When the reality of their actions set in, they usually turn to religion.

Father Powell:
Can you think of a better time?

Gil Grissom:
We both have jobs that begin after the crime.

Father Powell:
After the sin.

Gil Grissom:
Some people would call that a career in futility.

Father Powell:
Some call it a vocation.

Father Powell:
You don't believe?

Gil Grissom:
In religion. I believe in God, in science, in Sunday supper. I don't believe in rules that tell me how I should live.

Father Powell:
Even if they're handed down by God?

Gil Grissom:
How many crusades were fought in the name of God? How many people died because of someone's religion?

Father Powell:
Fanaticism, not religion.

Gil Grissom:
Semantics. They're still dead.

Father Powell:
Light bulb goes out other people fix it, get a new one. Light bulb goes out for the Catholic he stands in the dark says, "What did I do wrong?"

Dr. Al Robbins:
You know, sometimes I'm glad I only deal with dead people.

Greg Sanders:
What *don't* you know?

Gil Grissom:
A Harvard professor conducting an experiment asked a bunch of students to watch a basketball game and count the number of times the ball was passed.

Captain Jim Brass:
Yeah, groundbreaking.

Gil Grissom:
During the game a person dressed in a gorilla suit ran across the court. Afterwards the professor asked the students if they noticed the gorilla. Fifty percent responded, "What gorilla?"

Captain Jim Brass:
That's wonderful, Gil. If I see a gorilla, I'll arrest it.

Gil Grissom:
Dressed as a woman, among men dressed as women... now that's a disguise.

D.B. Russell:
[about 2 options to investigate] Your pick!

Greg Sanders:
Needle in a haystack or the impossible jigsaw

D.B. Russell:
Why don't you take the easy one?

Greg Sanders:
Which one is that? [DB grins and walks away]

Nick Stokes:
[after a successful lab test with Greg] And that's what turns an accident into murder!

Greg Sanders:
[blue lighting some sheets] Well, no crime of passion starts without the passion

[describing the man who asked him to hold up cue cards in front of an ATM machine]

Bum:
And when he talked, he spoke with a...

Gil Grissom:
Stutter.

Bum:
Yeah!

Gil Grissom:
Paul Millander.

Sara Sidle:
Cyrus, next time someone says experimenting with drugs is harmless, remind me of this.

Greg Sanders:
So... what's the pot up to?

Nick Stokes:
We don't bet on cases.

Greg Sanders:
Ah. Of course you don't. So who's winning?

Nick Stokes, Warrick Brown:
I am.

Greg Sanders:
Fiends.

Greg Sanders:
Henry, my friend, you are about to have the best birthday of your life because we are taking you to the one, the only, Harry's. Hog. Hideout.

Henry Andrews:
What's a Hog Hideout?

Nick Stokes:
It's only the best barbecue know to mankind. It's a little bit of a drive but don't worry. Greg knows where it is.

Greg Sanders:
[laughs] I thought you said you knew where it is.

Henry Andrews:
[sometime later/imitating Nick] It's just a bit of a drive y'all. [as himself] Look if this place is so great then how come I've never heard of it?

Nick Stokes:
Come on man. A little trust, baby. Come on it's your birthday.

Greg Sanders:
Yeah.

Henry Andrews:
I hate my birthdays. They always suck. [they round the corner, revealing a full moon] Oh great, we've got a full moon tonight too, so every nut job in the state will be out.

David Hodges:
I'm surprised at you Henry. There's absolutely no statistical evidence linking lunar cycle to an increase in irrational, careless, or criminal behavior.

Nick Stokes:
[seeing a car coming straight on ahead of them] Are you sure about that?

Nick Stokes:
[a car had swerved into the path of Nick while he was driving with Henry, Hodges and Greg causing Nick to wreck the car, subsequently flipping it several times before it comes to a stop. Everyone gets out of the car and is staring at it] Damn. I rolled that bad boy, didn't I?

Catherine Willows:
[arriving at a crime scene where the body is propped up in an upright position] She forget to fall down?

Sara Sidle:
Russell, I need you to do something for me

D.B. Russell:
Yes of course, anything

Sara Sidle:
If we are going to die, we need to go down fighting, okay? So put us to work

D.B. Russell:
DB: Neither one of you have my permission to die! You've got that?

[investigators can't explain why a victim was home]

Catherine Willows:
Hey, if you can explain the behavior of teenagers, more power to you.

Catherine Willows:
We're going to need urine samples so we can test for nicotine in your systems.

Jessica Abernathy:
My house is burned down. My daughter is dead. And you want me to pee into a cup. Sure. Why not?

Sara Sidle:
It's always encouraging when public bathrooms are out of soap.

[later]

Sara Sidle:
Asphyxiated and head bashed in. No soap was the least of his problems.

Gil Grissom:
[reading an obese victim's shirt] "735"?

Captain Jim Brass:
His goal weight?

Viva Charles:
There's a difference between a pyromaniac and an arsonist, you know?

Nick Stokes:
What is the difference?

Captain Jim Brass:
[checking the beaten Vic's driver's license] Tony Sciarra from Philadelphia.

Grissom:
So much for brotherly love.

Grissom:
[after getting attacked] [to Catherine] I'm fine.

Catherine Willows:
[touches his wound on his neck] Nasty. Kinda looks like a hicky. [he pushes her hand away]

Captain Jim Brass:
[to a suspect] That stare doesn't work on me. Keep it though - they'll love it in prison.

[after finding $100 bills in a beaver dam]

Nick Stokes:
Las Vegas, where even a beaver can strike it rich.

[after finding ejaculate on a table and bed sheets]

Greg Sanders:
We want to see who *came* and went.

[Grissom gives him a weird look]

[at a Plus-Size People convention]

Greg Sanders:
Some guys like curves.

Detective Vartann:
There's curves, and then there's *rolls*.

[last lines]

Greg Sanders:
So what do you like? What gets your juices flowing?

Gil Grissom:
Someone who doesn't judge me.

Gil Grissom:
I'm not married.

Regina Kern:
Girlfriend?

Gil Grissom:
No.

Regina Kern:
[smiling] You want one?

Gil Grissom:
[smiling] Yes, I do. [gives a wink]

Sara Sidle:
Relax and lie down on your back.

Greg Sanders:
You know, this is exactly like a dream I had once, except it wasn't in a garage. And Grissom wasn't watching. [pause] That was a different dream.

Sara Sidle:
It's not like you to get right down to business.

David Hodges:
Even I have off days, Sara.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Gabe Miller's still alive. As much as a politician can be.

Nick Stokes:
They should do a commercial for the city - "Las Vegas: where even the beaver can strike it rich."

Warrick Brown:
Who do you like?

Catherine Willows:
Charlotte. My mother grew up in North Carolina.

Warrick Brown:
Okay, I'll give you Charlotte +2.

Catherine Willows:
What do I get if I win?

Warrick Brown:
How about a fabulous dinner.

Catherine Willows:
I'll take your action.

Gil Grissom:
Hi beetle!

Catherine Willows:
The only thing that sports book means to me is guys without showers.

Warrick Brown:
[laughs] That's actually true.

Wendy Simms:
You know, if you're still having trouble coming to terms with the fact that this isn't your lab, I suggest counseling.

Greg Sanders:
I would like you to run these, please?

Wendy Simms:
M'kay.

Sofia Curtis:
Looks like a bar napkin. [shaped like a rose]

Catherine Willows:
Yeah, that's been shaped, rolled and twisted. Las Vegas Origami. Pretty corny.

Sofia Curtis:
Probably work on me.

Sofia Curtis:
That bad, huh?

Catherine Willows:
Don't tell me you're tired of the field already.

Hodges:
No, I had to catch up on my Perez Hilton.

Catherine Willows:
I take it you're not going to pull a Sanders, then?

Hodges:
Let's see... Clean friendly lab, bullet strewn- urine soaked street? That's a tough call.

Drops:
Whoa! Crimelab Nick Stokes! I see we're between bad haircuts.

Gil Grissom:
[looking at a bullet casing] Fifty caliber, casing looks new. I bet it's from a Desert Eagle.

Hodges:
Or a coffee shop. I could drink an espresso out of that thing.

Hodges:
I was right. This is a lot like garbage collecting.

Greg Sanders:
You're not helping Hodges.

Hodges:
I have no intention to. Field rotation for the lab techs was Ecklie's idea. He was very explicit that I was only allowed to observe.

Greg Sanders:
This neighborhood rains lead.

Gil Grissom:
Yeah, and we have to process every last drop of it.

Greg Sanders:
We're going to make Bobby Dawson's boat payment this month.

Greg Sanders:
Open champagne bottle, white powder residue. Think it's coke?

Gil Grissom:
[shining his flashlight on brain matter and skull fragments] Well then that must be his brain on drugs.

Greg Sanders:
Party till you drop.

Gil Grissom:
Or get shot, which ever comes first.

[after Mrs. James throws wine on her]

Sofia Curtis:
That could be considered assaulting an officer. Let's not make this harder than it has to be.

Catherine Willows:
Tequila will always remind me of Se?or Frog's.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass:
Which one?

Catherine Willows:
Cancun. My honeymoon. My dime.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass:
Well, if you ever want to go back, it's on me.

Catherine Willows:
Is that a proposal?

David Phillips:
It's like the Red Sea in here.

Gil Grissom:
The Red Sea's not red, David.

David Phillips:
No, it's blue from afar and transparent when held in hand, like any other body of water. I was just speaking figuratively.

Catherine Willows:
What are you thinking?

Gil Grissom:
Led Zeppelin.

[pause. Grissom glances up the stairs]

Gil Grissom:
Stairway to Heaven.

Catherine Willows:
How's the little girl?

Sara Sidle:
Uh, well, the *shrink* said she's in a catatonic state as a result of trauma. *I* could have told you that. Oh, but she *did* respond to the name Buffalo.

Gil Grissom:
Respond how?

Sara Sidle:
She freaked out.

Gil Grissom:
And, what are doing about that now?

Sara Sidle:
Going back to the girl. She's out in the car. The windows are cracked. Hey, give me a little credit, she's at the hospital.

Gil Grissom:
This is a Lady Macbeth. "Out, out damn spot!". There's not a trace of blood on the teen daughter's clothing. Not a spot!

Tina Collins:
That was the last night he was going to touch her.

Gil Grissom:
But why your mother? Why your brothers?

Tina Collins:
Because they should have protected me.

Gil Grissom:
You?

Tina Collins:
I was young. I learned to deal. But when he went after my daughter.

Gil Grissom:
Daughter? Who's...

Tina Collins:
The father? I was 13 and nobody noticed that my clothes were getting bigger.

Conrad Ecklie:
That's a career killer.

Gil Grissom:
That's what's so sad, Conrad. You see this as a career.

[Nick checks out a corpse of a young boy on a gurney]

Nick Stokes:
This kid should be out playing Pop Warner.

Gil Grissom:
[to Warrick] What do you weigh?

Warrick Brown:
Uh, that's between me and my trainer.

Gil Grissom:
Do I have to get a scale?

Warrick Brown:
A buck 95, give or take a doughnut.

[Grissom turns to Sara]

Sara Sidle:
Don't even ask, I'm not telling you.

Gil Grissom:
Warrick, would you lie down on the floor.

Warrick Brown:
I don't get paid enough to play dead.

Gil Grissom:
Please?

[Warrick gets on the floor]

Greg Sanders:
I'm afraid I don't have time for your humour, Ecklie has a multiple, Warrick tells me his home invasion is top of the heap and I'm still backed up with Catherine's no suspect rape. It's like one servant many masters, you know what I'm saying?

Gil Grissom:
Greg, this is your DNA lab. You are the master. We serve you.

Greg Sanders:
Your stuff just moved to the top of the pile.

Gil Grissom:
Hey Doc, tell me something I don't know.

Dr. Al Robbins:
When I was in fourth grade, I dropped karate because some kid half my size made me cry.

Gil Grissom:
Judy, would you like to be part of a little experiment?

Judy Tremont:
I'm just secretary. Besides, I heard what you did to Greg's feet.

[first lines]

Helicopter pilot:
[over radio] Control, this is air one. I'm at the trailer park 402. There's a large gas main construction fire.

Officer Metcalf:
My money's on meth lab.

Sara Sidle:
You know, Metcalf, just because somebody lives in a trailer park, doesn't mean they're a meth cook.

Officer Metcalf:
You guys are a real pain in the ass, you know that?

Gil Grissom:
Get used to it, pal.

Captain Jim Brass:
All right, let me get this straight: You heard a blast like that coming from your neighbor's and it took you 5 minutes to poke your head out and see what was going on?

Randy Swansiger:
I was watching TV!

Catherine Willows:
So you get the team back together only to break us apart again. What kind of a perverse game are you playing here, Gil?

Gil Grissom:
I'm not a pervert.

Catherine Willows:
Why is there a ring on your ring finger?

Warrick Brown:
Because I'm married.

Catherine Willows:
What?

Detective Vartan:
Congratulations. How much did you pay her?

[Greg puts his hand in the soupy goop in the trunk and pulls the drain plug back - the goop splashes on his face]

Sara Sidle:
Technically, that makes you a cannibal.

Sara Sidle:
[pause] Grissom would be proud.

Greg Sanders:
Grissom would've tasted it on purpose.

Warrick Brown:
You know, what happened to Nick - it just got me thinking. Life is so short, you know? It's almost... it's almost shorter than we wanna ever believe.

Catherine Willows:
"Live for the day."

Warrick Brown:
Exactly. So, I, ah, I've been heading to ask this young lady I've been seeing, Tina, to marry me.

Catherine Willows:
You know that I'm happy for you.

Warrick Brown:
Yeah?

Catherine Willows:
Yeah.

Warrick Brown:
Well, it also feels like you're not so happy for me.

Catherine Willows:
Warrick... [pause] You know, the thing that makes a fantasy great is the possibility that it might come true. And when you lose that possibility - it just kind of sucks.

Walter Gordon:
[voice on tape, taunting] Hi, CSI guy. You're wondering why you're here? Because you followed the evidence... So, breathe quick, breathe slow. Put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Any way you like, you're gonna die here.

[last lines]

Archie Johnson:
The tape was pretty mangled. Enhancement and noise cancellation increase intelligibility, but it alters timber and tone. So, I don't know there's any more I can do here. You know, Nick recorded a message on the flip side of the tape. You think maybe we should

Gil Grissom:
[interrupts] No! This is between you and me.

Greg Sanders:
I would never doubt your word.

Catherine Willows:
Smart man.

Gil Grissom:
You told me you weren't dating her.

Nick Stokes:
I wasn't. Till last night.

Catherine Willows:
[Nick is suspected of murdering Kristy] I think we'd better head over to the police station.

Nick Stokes:
DNA didn't pan out huh?

Catherine Willows:
Never have I seen such a clean match. Jack Willman killed her.

Nick Stokes:
Thank you.

Catherine Willows:
Hey, I'm just doing my job. Besides if they'd sent you to jail I'd get stuck with all your cases.

[Nick enters Grissom's office, which triggers a singing fish above the door]

Gil Grissom:
That's my "Big Mouth Billy Bass". He's better than a watch dog.

Nick Stokes:
I'm not sleeping with her if that makes a difference.

Gil Grissom:
It does.

Sara Sidle:
[standing in Grissom's office doorway] I hear we're out of suspects.

Gil Grissom:
Not necessarily. Could be in town. Could be out of town. I'll work on it.

Madeline:
I need money to buy some baby clothes for Emma.

Izzy:
I just gave you money for that!

Madeline:
She's a baby. She grows. You know, this wouldn't even be a problem if you'd sign those damn contracts!

Izzy:
[Viciously eating a plate of eggs] Well, THAT... is between me and my music. [Rips key off chain around his neck] And you will NEVER see this safe... [Puts key in his mouth and swallows it, cackles] Gold digger! Dig for that!

Sara Sidle:
[after looking at the Izzy Delancy miniature] I think Malibu Barbie did it.

Warrick Brown:
I thought it was our job to speak for the victim no matter what it took... and to hell with the budgets.

Gil Grissom:
Our job is to think, Warrick. Machinery should never matter more than our mind.

Sara Sidle:
[Sara smells like decomp] Give me a mint.

Nick Stokes:
You're gonna need more than one.

Greg Sanders:
You smell like death.

Sara Sidle:
I've heard.

Greg Sanders:
You know... a real man wouldn't mind.

Nick Stokes:
[to Sara after she flirts with Hank] Nothin' like flirting over a DB [laughs]

Night Club Manager:
Look, I was just doing my job.

Nick Stokes:
Hey... treating another human being like garbage is not a job. It's a choice.

Sara Sidle:
Soup?

Nick Stokes:
Human... soup. Well, we are 73.5% liquid, eh, Dave?

David Phillips:
Add some bacteria, a couple gases, and... voila!

Catherine Willows:
So what were you in high school, Nick?

Nick Stokes:
Me? I was... dependable.

Catherine Willows:
Dependable?

Warrick Brown:
He's trying to say he was unpopular.

[investigating a murder in high school]

Warrick Brown:
What were you: a jock or a brain?

Gil Grissom:
I was a ghost.

David Phillips:
From the sound of it, I'd say he's been dead about two months.

Sara Sidle:
Sound of it?

David Phillips:
[shakes the bag, liquid sloshes around inside it]

Gil Grissom:
Let me guess. Decomp in an enclosed space? Lemons.

Greg Sanders:
You smell like death.

Sara Sidle:
I've heard.

Club manager:
Listen, this guy was scaring my customers, so I drove him out of town.

Nick Stokes:
You didn't, by any chance, happen to put him in a bag and dropped him off a hill into a gully did you?

Nick Stokes:
Shut up. She was not.

Warrick Brown:
I saw her in action.

Nick Stokes:
Really?

Warrick Brown:
Yeah, she was.

Nick Stokes:
Catherine?

Catherine Willows:
I was what?

Warrick Brown:
I was just telling Nick how you were a big bully in high school.

Catherine Willows:
A bully? All right, I guess I was. But, I mean, not the kind that people want to take a gun out and shoot.

Warrick Brown:
No.

Nick Stokes:
No, no. You were the kind that guys fall all over themselves trying to impress.

Catherine Willows:
Like you, Nick, huh? Oh, Nick... what were you in high school?

Nick Stokes:
Me? I was, uh... I was "dependable".

Catherine Willows:
Dependable.

Nick Stokes:
Mmhmm.

Catherine Willows:
Dependable jock, dependable stoner?

Nick Stokes:
No. Never a strap, never a smoker. Just all-around "dependable" guy, I guess.

Warrick Brown:
Cath laughs. right before Sara walks into the break room: What Nick's trying to say he was unpopular.

Nick Stokes:
pointing at Warrick for emphasis: No, no I'll tell you what I wasn't; I wasn't a Mac Daddy wannabe with a 'Members Only' jacket.

Warrick Brown:
What's wrong with those Member's Only jackets? They were kinda cool back in the day.

Sara Sidle:
Nick, Ronny's got something on Liquid Man, says it's hot.

Nick Stokes:
Great.

Warrick Brown:
Hey Sara, what were you in high school?

Sara Sidle:
Nick walks past her and sniffs: Science nerd.

Nick Stokes:
whispers: You changed? But you still smell. Let's go.

Catherine Willows:
So that leaves you, Warrick. What were you?

Warrick Brown:
Oh, I was short, I had big feet, thick glasses.

Warrick Brown:
You?

Warrick Brown:
Yeah. I got pushed around by all the guys and never got any play from the girls.

Catherine Willows:
The girls didn't even notice your eyes?

Warrick Brown:
No, they used to tease me about my eyes. Called me names.

Catherine Willows:
Aww, well, what do they know? They're your best feature.

Catherine Willows:
So how's your new toy working out?

Warrick Brown:
It's been downsized.

Catherine Willows:
Bummer. I know how you wanted to see that thing work.

Warrick Brown:
Well, it's the same difference, really. Air is drawn into the last tube the chalk absorbs the chemicals from the air. And mass spec will break it down at the lab.

Catherine Willows:
So why did you need the expensive one in the first place?

Warrick Brown:
[Cath smiles at his honesty] 'Cause it was cool.

Gil Grissom:
Sara, do you have any duct tape in your kit?

Sara Sidle:
Yeah. It's what I use to hold it together.

[upon finding an insect on the victim's clothes]

Gil Grissom:
It's a carpet beetle. It shouldn't be here.

Catherine Willows:
The vic seem more like a hardwood floors kind of guy to you?

Gil Grissom:
Carpet beetles are usually the last to arrive at a corpse, when only found on a body when its near becoming being a skeleton. This guy is still fresh.

[looks up at skeleton hanging from tree, sees other insects on it]

Gil Grissom:
David! Get this body out of here right now! We've got cross-contamination!

[Cath comes back from a body farm]

Sara Sidle:
Wow, you got to go to the body farm? I've always wanted to go there! What was it like?

Catherine Willows:
Quiet.

Gil Grissom:
So, take some photos of the experiment for the D.A. and then, uh, get rid of that stuff.

Sara Sidle:
That meat? The raw meat? Me?

Gil Grissom:
Yeah.

Sara Sidle:
How many meals have we shared together?

Gil Grissom:
I don't know.

Sara Sidle:
Take a guess. Over a year working together.

Gil Grissom:
...Thirty?

Sara Sidle:
I'm a vegetarian, everyone here knows I'm a vegetarian. I haven't eaten meat since we stayed up that night with that dead pig. It pains me to see ground beef. Forget about cleaning it up.

Gil Grissom:
Okay... have Nick do it.

[leaves]

[Grissom finds compromising photos of teenaged Jody Bradley]

Nick Stokes:
Sometimes I hate this job.

Gil Grissom:
It's been 24 minutes, Greg. When's this thing going to be done?

Greg Sanders:
Well, with all due respect, sir, it's not a baked potato.

Greg Sanders:
Did I ever tell you I used to live in New York?

Gil Grissom:
Is this going to be a short story or a novel?

Walt Braun:
That's the thing about my father - he could never give advice but he had a million stories. "Scorpion and the Frog."

Walt Braun:
[in a jail cell talking to Brass and Grissom]

Walt Braun:
Scorpion needed to get across the creek and asked the frog for a ride. Frog says, "I can't trust you, you're a scorpion." Scorpion says, "Sure you can." Hops on the frog's back. Midway across, the scorpion stings the frog. Frog looks at him. "Why would you do that? Now we're both gonna die." Scorpion says..."I can't help it. I'm a scorpion."

Gil Grissom:
Would you mind if I took a picture for my bite collection?

Walt Braun:
Whatever rubs your Buddha.

Captain Jim Brass:
Can you get a set of prints off those balloons?

Warrick Brown:
I can get a print off of air.

Carl Fisher:
I never meant to hurt anyone. I need you to believe me.

Gil Grissom:
I don't. You had choices. You made the wrong ones. And now this little boy... is gone.

[to the Doctor/Suspect leaving]

Gil Grissom:
It's sad isn't it, Doc? A couple of middle aged guys like us, how we never really touch people unless we're wearing latex gloves. We wake up one morning and realize that for 50 years we haven't really lived at all... But then one day, someone young and beautiful offers to share their life with you, someone you can care about. We have to give up everything we worked for to have them, I couldn't do it... but you did. And she took that back didn't she? She gave you something precious then you took it back. So you took her life instead. You couldn't stand that fact that she was giving it to someone else so you took her life.

Dr. Vincent Lurie:
I'm still here.

Gil Grissom:
Are you?

[Doctor leaves, camera pulls back to show Sara on the other side of the glass, watching the entire thing]

[Grissom is checking the floor of a crime scene when Catherine walks in]

Catherine Willows:
Have you eaten?

Gil Grissom:
What have you brought?

Catherine Willows:
I'll see what's in the fridge

[Moves to kitchen]

Gil Grissom:
We'll have to replace that!

Greg Sanders:
[spoken while Grissom is looking under a microscope] That's the hair from the spare bedroom.

Gil Grissom:
There's an oily film on the surface of the hair.

Greg Sanders:
Propylene glycol. Active ingredient in Rogaine, for male pattern baldness. Personally, I don't use the stuff, but my grandfather Papa Olaf - he was Bruce Willis at age sixteen. Lucky for me, baldness comes from the mother's side, so I'm safe...

Gil Grissom:
[interrupting] Greg, please, I'm very tired.

Greg Sanders:
Well, maybe the guy we're looking for is going bald... or trying not to. According to Papa Olaf, a lot of guys who use Rogaine also use Propecia, kind of like a cocktail. I ran the hair through MassSpec. I got four peaks - ethyl alcohol, propylene glycol, minoxidil, and finasteride.

Gil Grissom:
Finasteride, the chemical name for Propecia.

Greg Sanders:
But wait, there's more, and it's a family secret. Sexual. Happens in less than two percent of users.

[whispering]

Greg Sanders:
Papa Olaf was one of those people that needed hydraulics.

Julie Finlay:
Are you thinking what I am thinking?

D.B. Russell:
I have no idea what I am thinking!

Sara Sidle:
There is this guy living in my dorm at college, we used to call him Space Bob. Your lab smells like his room. That's not a compliment to either of you!

Morgan Brody:
Well, I know Nick is the expert, but this just looks like a common crane-fly to me. They're everywhere in Vegas, I don't know how they're going help us any point to advance them. You have better luck on your site?

David Hodges:
You mean: am I having any better luck with the bird excrement? It's not lost on me that of all the trace you pulled, you gave me the poop!

Karen Chevera:
I sense a disturbance in your chakras.

Captain Jim Brass:
Yeah, I get that a lot.

Gil Grissom:
Aaron Pratt is a high-functioning autistic man with superior right brain abilities.

Nick Stokes:
Kind of sounds like you.

Nick Stokes:
[watching Greg page through a book] I always thought you kept your porn in there.

Greg Sanders:
I move it around.

Gil Grissom:
[quoting Othello Act I Scene I] But I will wear my heart upon my sleeve For daws to peck at: I am not what I am.

Jackie Trent:
[after Catherine explains how she found a child's fingerprint's on a pen] They're not mine.

Jessica Rachel Trent:
Tattletales rot in hell.

Nick Stokes:
Hey.

Sara Sidle:
[lively] Hey.

Nick Stokes:
Wow, you look...

Sara Sidle:
Happy?

Nick Stokes:
Smug, acually.

Greg Sanders:
[Grissom and Catherine walk in on Greg listening to loud music] Could have been a rock star.

Gil Grissom:
[music stops] There's still time, Greg.

Greg Sanders:
I'm like a sponge: I just absorb information.

Gil Grissom:
I thought that was my line.

Greg Sanders:
Yeah - and I absorbed it.

Greg Sanders:
I'm like a sponge: I just absorb information.

Gil Grissom:
I thought that was *my* line.

Greg Sanders:
Yeah, and I absorbed it.

[after witnessing a child ignoring her mother]

Gil Grissom:
[to Catherine] My mother may have been deaf but she was still the boss.

Greg Sanders:
[Grissom and Catherine walk into Greg's lab to see him rocking out to blaring rock and roll music] I could have been a rock star.

Gil Grissom:
There's still time, Greg. Tell us about the foreign substance we found in the vic's wound track.

Greg Sanders:
Uh, well, I like to rub it all over a lady's body. Even better... I, uh... like it when she rubs it all over me. And it's also used as a stool softner.

Catherine Willows:
It's also the only open lead in our case. Spit it out, Greg.

Greg Sanders:
Mineral oil.

Gil Grissom:
Possibly used as a preservative to prevent rusting of high-carbon steel.

Catherine Willows:
Like the blades of knives.

Greg Sanders:
Old knives. New ones are made from stainless steel. Yeah, I'm like a sponge. I just absorb information.

Gil Grissom:
I thought that was my line.

Greg Sanders:
Yeah, and I absorbed it.

Catherine Willows:
Okay, so... knives, screwdrivers, ice pick, letter opener. We're looking for a weapon with a splash of mineral oil. I'll grab the ALS.

Greg Sanders:
An ALS. For mineral oil?

Gil Grissom:
Mineral oil fluoresces at 525 nanometers when filtered through a kv590. A little more absorbing... a little less rock and roll.

Gil Grissom:
I thought you'd want to know what happened to Wendy.

Mimosa:
I appreciate your telling me. Killed by someone in our own community. As if we don't have enough enemies. Her parents never understood her, but still I think they should know. What do I say?

Gil Grissom:
Show them an oyster.

Mimosa:
I'm sorry?

Gil Grissom:
There are two types of male oysters, and one of them can change genders at will. And before man crawled out of the muck, maybe he had the same option. Maybe originally we were supposed to be able to switch genders, and being born with just one sex... is a mutation.

Nick Stokes:
You know, it's easier to get a master's degree than a parking spot on campus.

Catherine Willows:
Oh, and Nick?

Nick Stokes:
Yeah?

Catherine Willows:
When you find the car...

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, I know, check the trunk.

Gil Grissom:
We told them what happened.

Catherine Willows:
Yeah. But we didn't give them what they needed - closure.

Gil Grissom:
Truth brings closure.

Catherine Willows:
Not always.

Gil Grissom:
They have this system in place when you went to school here?

Warrick Brown:
With all the stuff me and my boys got away with, it's probably why they have them now.

Warrick Brown:
Nice try, Nostradamus.

Gil Grissom:
You showered.

Catherine Willows:
Thanks for noticing Gil, you're very observant.

Gil Grissom:
[studying a surveillance tape and inadvertently blocking Cath's view] Can't tell what I'm observing here. What does that look like?

Catherine Willows:
A five-foot-eleven workaholic.

Warrick Brown:
Where have you been?

Gil Grissom:
I can't be everywhere, and they've banned human cloning.

Gil Grissom:
People just don't vanish, Jim. It's a molecular impossibility.

Gil Grissom:
We need a treadmill; a big one.

Nick Stokes:
Alright, to do what?

Gil Grissom:
Exercise a bus.

Todd:
It was just a little target practice.

Nick Stokes:
And that's why it's illegal to discharge firearms within the city limits, genius.

Construction Worker:
[to Sara] I'll give you a hammer for a screw...

Sara Sidle:
I'm gonna do everything in my power to make sure you're tried as an adult.

Ashley Curtwell:
Good luck. I dress up real nice. Couple barrettes, little lace collar, two dead parents. I'll be the saddest little girl in the world.

Gil Grissom:
Crazy or not, here we come.

Gil Grissom:
Sex is the foreplay, violence is the climax.

Dr. Valerie Dino:
I don't see what you hope to accomplish. These patients are criminals with severe mental disorders. They're not going to give you a straight answer.

Captain Jim Brass:
No one ever does.

David Hodges:
[to Sara] Would you ever bleach your hair? I wouldn't. It's so Greg Sanders.

Sara Sidle:
When my father died, my mother came to a place like this for a while for evaluation. [pause] It looked the same, it smelled the same. It smelled like lies.

Gil Grissom:
You sure you're OK?

Sara Sidle:
Crazy people do make me feel crazy.

[last lines]

Gil Grissom:
Well, jail or no jail - I don't think she'll last six months. She'll die without her son.

Sara Sidle:
That would be better for both of them.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Let's start with the stomach contents. They're fascinating. They reminded me of that scene in Jaws where Dreyfuss cuts open the sharks belly and all sorts of weird things come out?

Gil Grissom:
You found a license plate?

[first lines]

[a flight attendant enters the hotel]

Front Desk Clerk:
Welcome back, Mrs. Krell.

Martha Krell:
I told you, it's Martha.

Front Desk Clerk:
Your room's ready and I have your credit card on file.

Martha Krell:
See you in the morning. I'm beat.

Front Desk Clerk:
Call me if you need anything, Martha.

Dr. Al Robbins:
She was raped... The attack was brutal.

Gil Grissom:
Aren't they always? I don't know why people think that rape has anything to do with sex.

Dr. Al Robbins:
If a guy just wants sex, he can hire a hooker.

Gil Grissom:
Maybe he's back in the game again, selling coke to out-of-town businessmen from the comfort and security of his hotel room.

Sara Sidle:
So, he takes a break from his job, rapes and kills the vic at another hotel, and then goes back to work?

Gil Grissom:
Even cokeheads need a diversion now and then.

Judge Witherspoon:
It's one thing to send a print through AFIS, it's another thing to use a "background subtraction algorithm" to isolate the print from a bedspread.

Gil Grissom:
It's not my fault that the courts lag behind our technology.

Gil Grissom:
You sniffed it? [about evidence]

David Hodges:
That disgust you?

Gil Grissom:
No, actually, it's the first time you've ever done anything to impress me.

[last lines]

Detective Cavaliere:
Hey. You owe me an apology.

Nick Stokes:
I'm sorry [pause] [turns away] that you feel that way. [walks away]

[Beeper goes off; Catherine calls in]

Jerrod Cooper:
Hello?

Catherine Willows:
Oh, hey.

Jerrod Cooper:
Who's this? I just dialed my own damn beeper.

Catherine Willows:
It's my beeper now. I found it.

Jerrod Cooper:
It ain't your beeper, girl. That's my beeper. I do a lot of business on that beeper.

Catherine Willows:
What kinda business?

Jerrod Cooper:
Oh, you know. Slangin' a little somethin' somethin'.

Catherine Willows:
Oh, a little somethin' something'. Maybe a little bling-bling?

Jerrod Cooper:
What do you know about some bling-bling?

Catherine Willows:
Invite me over to your crib, baby, and you might find out.

Jerrod Cooper:
It's on. Three Aces Motel. Room 202.

Catherine Willows:
Three Aces Motel, room 202. See you soon.

[she hangs up, and looks at Sara who was listening]

Catherine Willows:
Did I just do that?

Sara Sidle:
What's a "bling bling"?

Catherine Willows:
Got me.

Greg Sanders:
Cath? Your DNA results are back. According to my DNA data, the chances are 814 quadrillion to one - that your suspect is our killer. Pretty good stats...

Catherine Willows:
Yeah, considering there are only six billion people in world.

Catherine Willows:
Is there anything in there with alcohol?

Sara Sidle:
Root beer?

Detective Barns:
How do you talk to a dead body?

Gil Grissom:
I let him talk to me, actually. In fact, he just spoke. Didn't you hear him? He just told me he didn't commit suicide.

Gil Grissom:
[considering three possibilities using the "Norman" dummies] Norman pushed... Norman jumped... Norman fell.

Sara Sidle:
Wouldn't you, if you were married to Mrs. Roper?

[about a case involving an elderly woman who crashed into a restaurant]

Sara Sidle:
What do you have, Greg?

Greg Sanders:
Well, maybe she had the munchies. Tox screen came back. Mrs. Lambert tested positive for cannibus sativa.

Sara Sidle:
Grass?

Greg Sanders:
"Grass?" So seventies, man! Sticky green, dank, chronic, cush, happy stick, wacky tobaccy.

Sara Sidle:
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Grandma was high?

Greg Sanders:
Yeah.

Sara Sidle:
Grandma was high?

Greg Sanders:
As a kite.

Augie Heitz:
My DNA is your DNA.

Catherine Willows:
Great.

Sara Sidle:
Are my observations distracting you?

Gil Grissom:
Huh? Oh, I barely heard you.

Sara Sidle:
Good thing I have a healthy ego.

[about a hit and run case]

Catherine Willows:
All we got is some paint that's going to match about twenty million other vehicles.

Warrick Brown:
Yeah.

Catherine Willows:
Bastard.

Sara Sidle:
Hey, Grissom. Can you come tape me up?

Gil Grissom:
[after Sidle goes back into the room] I love my job.

Catherine Willows:
It shows.

Sara Sidle:
Hey, Grissom, could you come tape me up?

Grissom:
[to Catherine] I love my work.

Catherine Willows:
It shows.

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, but I got her a chem set.

Sara Sidle:
You keep that; might learn something.

Nick Stokes:
Stop flirting with me.

Nick Stokes:
Hey, Catherine, when's your little girl comin' by?

Catherine Willows:
She isn't.

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, but I got her a chem set. [looks over to see Grissom had bought the same gift]

Sara Sidle:
You keep that; might learn something.

Nick Stokes:
Stop flirting with me.

Sara Sidle:
[about Catherine's daughter having a birthday] What's the rule, how long do I have to be here before I start kickin' in for gifts?

Catherine Willows:
When spirit moves you, Sara, so in your case I guess, um, never.

Horatio Caine:
It's honey.

Catherine Willows:
You say that like it means something.

Horatio Caine:
Well, honey on its own is just honey. But add platic wrap and... it's a different situation.

Catherine Willows:
Ready, honey?

Horatio Caine:
Coming dear.

Honey Girl:
Some guys like to lick it off.

Horatio Caine:
Really? I prefer the swab myself.

Calleigh Duquesne:
Hi. Calleigh Duquesne. Don't ask how I spell it. Southern.

Catherine Willows:
Catherine Willows. Southern... Vegas.

Eric Delko:
Someone gonna cover me?

Horatio Caine:
I got you.

Catherine Willows:
Cover you for what?

Eric Delko:
Alligators.

Tim Speedle:
Only way to outrun an alligator is swim faster than the guy next to you. Right Delko?

Eric Delko:
I used to have a partner.

Horatio Caine:
Guys, please.

Gordon Daimler:
Rich people don't go to jail.

Horatio Caine:
You're not rich.

Gordon Daimler:
The Corwins lent me their jet.

Catherine Willows:
Just like they lent you their boat?

Gordon Daimler:
Ask the pilot. Dylan called him in person telling him to fly me to Monaco.

Horatio Caine:
Hmm. I'd rather call Dylan at the hospital to confirm.

Catherine Willows:
The husband didn't die. You left us a witness and enough evidence to incriminate you in two states.

Special Agent Dennis Sackheim:
What did she say?

Horatio Caine:
That you need to learn the language.

[Catherine returns to Vegas from Miami]

Catherine Willows:
Hello.

Gil Grissom:
Hey. Nice tan.

Catherine Willows:
Nice suit.

Gil Grissom:
Yeah, well, I knew you were coming back today, so I dressed up.

Catherine Willows:
Yeah... right...

Gil Grissom:
Really.

[Cath looks him up and down]

Gil Grissom:
What?

Catherine Willows:
Nothing. It's just unusual to... see you dressed... like that.

Gil Grissom:
I had to go to the chief's funeral.

Catherine Willows:
Missed me that much, huh?

Dr. Al Robbins:
How about Darier Disease?

Gil Grissom:
Doesn't that give you a rash that smells like human excrement? We're looking for something a little sweeter.

[approaching a club]

Guard at Door:
Twenty-five dollars. Each.

Captain Jim Brass:
[pointing to his badge] I got a coupon.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Tuberculosis victims emit breath that smells of wet leaves.

Gil Grissom:
Maple? Ash? Elm? What?

Dr. Al Robbins:
I don't know.

Gil Grissom:
I'm following my nacino.

Horatio Caine:
Detweiler, I know you want to impress your boss, but there's an innocent man on that boat. Now, if you take this shot, I'm going to be in your grille for the rest of your natural life. I want you to think about what that might be like. Think about that.

[after a moment of decision, Detweiler stands down]

Horatio Caine:
Thank you. Speed, the Corwins have a jet. Find the jet. Call the FAA, and ground the jet by the authority of Miami-Dade County.

Gil Grissom:
Does it ever bother you that you make your living killing insects?

Ted Martin:
What kind of question is that?

Hodges:
[looking for some recognition] Thank you, Hodges for performing that incredibly elaborate test requiring copious concentration and an advanced degree.

D.B. Russell:
Crime lab has the same rule as the local news: it bleeds, it leads.

Nick Stokes:
Poor guy! Died twice!

Catherine Willows:
[after Grissom pulls the 4x4 to the road side during her training run] 20 C.S.I.s, 200 runners...

Gil Grissom:
Don't blame me. Blame him

[Shines his torch onto a corpse by the side of the road]

[a corpse found on the roadside turns out to be a LAPD SES officer]

Catherine Willows:
So much for the race.

Gil Grissom:
At least we didn't come last.

Gil Grissom:
Sooner or later, everybody gets replaced.

Arrested LAPD officer:
Talk to me when it happens to you.

Lieutenant Mendez:
I just made Lieutenant. I've got nothing to prove.

Catherine Willows:
A man with nothing to prove. That's a first.

Medic:
There is something wrong in the world if all you do is handle test tubes.

Catherine Willows:
If you think that's all I handle, you'd be very mistaken.

Morgan Brody:
We need to take a look at your membership records from 2004, specifically the members who had tags to hunt elk

Randy Pruitt:
[laughing] Elk pressing charges these days?

Sara Sidle:
We're investigating a murder of a family slot to death on Mount Charleston

Randy Pruitt:
We hunt animals! Not human beings

Sara Sidle:
Yeah? Well, some people can't tell the difference

Nick Stokes:
[when finding a dead hunter] Looks like the hunter became the hunted

Nick Stokes:
Well, it doesn't look like he is going to make that 3.10 train to Yuma, he super Greg?

Greg Sanders:
Let's say he has caught his last ride

Nick Stokes:
He Sara, find anything in the treasure hunting car?

Sara Sidle:
Well, he wasn't a health mad, that's for sure. It looks like he ran a solar business down in Plano. Says on the back he is company owner

Nick Stokes:
Are you kidding me? Selling solar in Texas?

Sara Sidle:
What, Texas doesn't have sun?

Nick Stokes:
Ha ha ha, Texas has oil. When I was growing up, you mentioned something like this it was blasphemy!

David Hodges:
I think I discovered the secret about the most beautiful woman in history!

Henry Andrews:
Kate Upton?

David Hodges:
In history, Henry! I was talking about Cleopatra

Henry Andrews:
Oh, fascinating but I am busy

Greg Sanders:
[referring to all of the hot dogs he just bought]... And now there are over 50 major brands.

Gil Grissom:
Well, good luck. I'm rooting for you.

Greg Sanders:
Hopefully I'll find a weener! [referring to winner] .

Catherine Willows:
How about the grill marks?

Hodges:
Oh, yeah, I'll run it through the hot dog appliances database.

Sara Sidle:
Sometimes I think we made up God just to have someone to blame for our mistakes.

Mr. Durbin:
Sons of b*tches! I'm gonna sue your ass into the ground. I hope you know that. Yeah. I'm gonna own you. I'm gonna own this whole place. In fact, maybe that's where I'll live. I'm just gonna move in here.

Captain Jim Brass:
He stopped talking to us after I told him we blew up his house.

Greg Sanders:
What is this, some kind of CSI hazing? To make me appreciate blood and semen more?

Sara Sidle:
[to Greg] I heard you finally lost your virginity.

Greg Sanders:
What are you doing?

Gil Grissom:
Good, your here. [tosses him a plastic cup] Fill this up for me, will ya.

Greg Sanders:
With what?

Gil Grissom:
It's a urine specimen cup, Greg, what do you think?

Greg Sanders:
[looks at the cup again] [pauses] Okay.

Sara Sidle:
I don't have a death wish, and I'm not a drunk. In case you were worried.

Gil Grissom:
I'm not worried. I'm concerned.

Dr. Al Robbins:
[as Dr. Al Robbins performs the autopsy on the body found in the drain, Greg Sanders' first] In the end, it's all we really are.

Gil Grissom:
That took a long time. You may need a prostate exam.

Greg Sanders:
My prostate is just fine!

[Greg's first autopsy]

Gil Grissom:
Take a look at the trachea. What do you see?

Greg Sanders:
Foam... like the head of a beer.

[Grissom looks at him]

Greg Sanders:
Sorry.

Gil Grissom:
No. It's a good analogy.

[to Greg, referring to his first autopsy]

Sara Sidle:
So I heard you lost your virginity.

[about the opened body on the autopsy table]

Dr. Al Robbins:
In the end, this is all we really are.

Sara Sidle:
I'm a slow sucker. [responding to Nick's remark on her seemingly long-lasting cough drop]

Gil Grissom:
[discussing Catherine's goals when trying to finish her evaluation] You don't have a personal life?

Catherine Willows:
Write this down. I haven't had sex in 6 - no, 7 months!

Gil Grissom:
How can I help? [Catherine looks shocked] You. Advance, I mean.

[looking at pictures of a young, wealthy couple]

Warrick Brown:
Bling, bling!

Catherine Willows:
The old trophy wife.

Warrick Brown:
You think?

Catherine Willows:
Classic Vegas. He pays for her b*obs, tummy tuck, Prada, weekly spa, French manicure. And she's just hanging on his arm like she belongs.

Warrick Brown:
Tell us how you really feel, Catherine.

Catherine Willows:
I wouldn't want to be her for the world.

[Warrick gives her a look]

Catherine Willows:
Hey, I wouldn't mind it for a day...

Warrick Brown:
Well, not this day.

Sara Sidle:
[Warrick is acting supervisor] I ran with the case. I do it with Grissom all the time.

Warrick Brown:
Well, I'm not Grissom!

Warrick Brown:
Acting supervisor? What about Nick? He's got seniority. Or Sara? She'd jump at the chance

Gil Grissom:
If it was about seniority, I'd ask Nick. If I needed someone to stay up for three straight days, I'd ask Sara. Instead, I want you.

Sara Sidle:
My date got canceled.

Gil Grissom:
I'm sure he had a good excuse.

Sara Sidle:
[crying] I held his hands, just like I held hers and I lost perspective. [Grissom wipes Sara's tears]

Hodges:
[leaving message on Sara's phone] Sara, the knife tip Doc Robbins extracted from Becca Mayford isn't metal, it's ceramic and extremely sharp. I accept thank you in advance, and you're welcome.

Nick Stokes:
It was good that you were there for her Sara. She didn't have to die alone.

Sara Sidle:
[sadly] We usually show up too late to meet the victim.

Hodges:
You ever do the right thing, and still feel guilty?

Sara Sidle:
[softly] Yeah. Sucks, doesn't it?

Jim Brass:
[after suspect sings to him] Do I look like Paula Abdul to you?

Greg Sanders:
You know, I kind of feel bad for these girls.

Hodges:
Don't feel too bad. They have health benefits, good pay. The women get regular check-ups. The industry is well-regulated. As opposed to picking a hooker up off the street. Does she have a disease? Multiple diseases? Is she crazy? Is she gonna roll you? Where do you go? Do you do it in your car, behind a building, down a dark alley? So you drive around, scared out of your mind, finally get the nerve up, pick one you like, call her over, she gets in. Next thing you know, you're down on the pavement, cuffed, because she's an undercover cop, but luckily you were three months shy of your eighteenth birthday so when you call your mom to come get you, it doesn't go on my permanent record.

Greg Sanders:
[momentarily speechless]... Okay.

Jim Brass:
So the guy in took an arrow through the throat and it prolonged his life?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Apparently.

Catherine Willows:
And what are the odds of it not hitting any major artery?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Whatever comes right before zero.

Milton:
I shot an arrow into the air,it fell to earth, I knew not where; For, so swiftly it flew, the sight. Could not follow it in its flight. Long, long... '

Nick Stokes:
Sir, that's, that's really sweet.

Milton:
That's Longfellow. What do you kids know about poetry?

Sara Sidle:
Nick, the arrow came in through that window.

Nick Stokes:
Yeah.

Milton:
Even an idiot would see that. [Nick goes out, looks around and finds another arrow, he comes back]

Nick Stokes:
Hey Sara, I found another arrow shot into the ground near that tool shed.

Sara Sidle:
Maybe the shooter got nervous.

Nick Stokes:
Well, to work in a Brothel you're required to register your fingerprints. So...

Sara Sidle:
I'm almost done here, I'll catch up.

Nick Stokes:
Okay. I'll let you know if we get lucky.

Sara Sidle:
[turns to Milton and finishes the poem] 'Long, long afterward, in an oak I found the arrow, still unbroke; And the song, from beginning to end, found again in the heart of a friend.' Keep the faith Milton.

Sara Sidle:
[after putting her hand in the water] Feels like bath water. It's gotta be ninety degrees. There's no way we're going to get an accurate TOD.

Gil Grissom:
Places like this always keep their pools warm, it encourages the girls to swim topless. It's good for business. [at Sara's look] So they tell me.

Gil Grissom:
Where's your coroner?

Sheriff Ned Bastille:
Couldn't get him on the horn. Probably out in some barn, up to his elbows in a cow's vagina.

Sara Sidle:
Excuse me?

Sheriff Ned Bastille:
Oh yeah, coroner's a part time gig here in Bryant County. He's a veterinarian. That's his money gig.

Gil Grissom:
Twenty-five people here last night, and nobody sees anything.

Tanya:
[passing by] Nice hat honey.

Sara Sidle:
So, uh, you've been to a place like this before?

Gil Grissom:
I worked a murder/suicide at the Naughty Kitty once.

Sara Sidle:
No, no. Come on, you know what I mean.

Gil Grissom:
As a customer? No.

Sara Sidle:
You've never paid for sex?

Gil Grissom:
I have not. I find the whole idea very... bleak.

Sara Sidle:
Really? How come?

Gil Grissom:
Sex should provide the opportunity for human connection, but paid sex does the opposite of that. To me, sex without love is... pointless. It makes you sad.

Sara Sidle:
Well, I'm pretty sure I don't make you sad.

Gil Grissom:
No. You make me happy.

Nick Stokes:
You know what a good defence lawyer's gonna say about all this?

Catherine Willows:
What?

Nick Stokes:
The lawn chair did it.

George 'Binky' Babinkian:
Your mother sleeps with Azerbaijani!

[Warrick and Grissom are on a roller coaster]

Warrick Brown:
What happened to my evaluation?

Gil Grissom:
You're sitting on it.

Sara Sidle:
It's hard to tell where the human ends and the animal begins.

Gil Grissom:
[to a waiter] Excuse me, do you recognize this ear?

[about a decapitation case]

Catherine Willows:
Definitely a crime of passion.

Gil Grissom:
You think a female did this?

Catherine Willows:
I could have.

Gil Grissom:
Scared of you.

Greg Sanders:
[turns to Sara] Squirrels love'm, [turns to Nick] they get tossed at the Dodgers Stadium, [turns back to Sara] and they make a hell of a butter.

Sara Sidle:
You're nuts, you know that?

Greg Sanders:
Exacomundo. PEANUTS! Right scopes' the skin, left scopes the shell of the nut. Think peanuts Espanol.

Gil Grissom:
Repeat after me. Silk, silk, silk.

Nick Stokes:
Silk, silk, silk.

Gil Grissom:
What do cows drink?

Nick Stokes:
Milk.

Gil Grissom:
Cows drink water. They give milk.

Nick Stokes:
Hey, Catherine, say, "Silk, silk, silk."

Catherine Willows:
Silk, silk, silk.

Nick Stokes:
What do cows drink?

Catherine Willows:
Water. Why?

Nick Stokes:
[after a disappointed pause] Never mind...

Sara Sidle:
For every one that parts, one stands above ground.

Warrick Brown:
Oh, you're only agreeing with Sara's theory because you have a crush on her.

David Phillips:
No, that's why I wore a clean coat.

Murderer:
Hey Grissom! This guy sent me away to prison... shoeprints! Next time I'm going barefoot.

Gil Grissom:
Even better... footprints

Gil Grissom:
Men are never as mysterious as women wish they were.

Sara Sidle:
You rang?

Archie Johnson:
Yes, found the owner of that cell phone.

Sara Sidle:
Megan.

Archie Johnson:
Nope. Shiela Latham.

Sara Sidle:
What is Megan's best friend's cell phone doing in the front seat of her boyfriend's van?

Archie Johnson:
[singing] If that's your boyfriend, if that's your boyfriend...

Sara Sidle, Archie Johnson:
He wasn't last night.

Catherine Willows:
[on seeing the crabs on the sleeping bag] Ugh.

Gil Grissom:
You okay? [Catherine turns the monitor so that he can see the crabs] Pthirus Pubis.

Catherine Willows:
Yeah, crabs. I am buying Lindsey a chastity belt.

Gil Grissom:
There's a... hole in the metal to let the urine pass, so theoretically, she could still get them.

Catherine Willows:
You are so creepy sometimes.

Greg Sanders:
Wish I had one of these back in high school.

Nick Stokes:
What's that, a letter jacket?

Greg Sanders:
No. No, a love shack. Back seat of my car got real old, real fast. I was getting so much play my senior year, I was considering getting a hearse.

Nick Stokes:
Well, I never accused you of not being smart Greg. A little weird but... a hearse?

Sara Sidle:
You know, when I was in college, I had this boyfriend - and I thought we were monogamous. Then one night during the post-coital panty search, he handed a pair of underwear that wasn't mine.

Warrick Brown:
Ooh! How'd he explain that one?

Sara Sidle:
He said they belonged to his sister...

Warrick Brown:
Yeah right... Let's hope your taste in men has improved.

Sara Sidle:
Yeah...

Sara Sidle:
[about to shave Grissom's face] Do you trust me?

Gil Grissom:
Intimately. [They wink at each other]

Sara Sidle:
High school student with a van... I'll bet half the senior class is in here.

Warrick Brown:
What's a photography teacher doing touching a student's van?

Gil Grissom:
[mock seriously] Maybe she wanted a ride.

Nick Stokes:
And how does your theory account for the fact that all the blood's Ryan's?

Greg Sanders:
It... doesn't.

Dr. Al Robbins:
[shady guys with guns are stealing a corpse] What the hell is going on here?

Greg Sanders:
[weakly] Sara

Sara Sidle:
I didn't think you could see me.

Greg Sanders:
I can't. I know that Sidle scent.

Cole 'Pig' Tritt:
Man, there has been an ass whoppin' on every block!

Nick Stokes:
There's about to be an ass whoppin' on this one

Nick Stokes:
I am sick of these punks, man. I'm serious, I'm sick of it.

Warrick Brown:
Then you're in the wrong town.

Nick Stokes:
Maybe.

Cole 'Pig' Tritt:
Man, you're weak, weak, weak, weak. [Nick walks up to him] I'm sorry, you're not weak. You're a joke.

Warrick Brown:
Nick, Nick. [Nick looks at Warrick, grinning; Warrick shakes his head; Nick hits Tritt. Warrick runs over and pulls Nick back]

Cole 'Pig' Tritt:
Man, anyone get that on video? [holds up his cell phone] I'll take a picture myself.

Catherine Willows:
Pig and the piglets are in the pigpen.

Warrick Brown:
About time. Finally some good news.

Catherine Willows:
Did you know Pig, a.k.a Cole Tritt, was the only adult? The rest were all under 18. One was 14.

Warrick Brown:
You're kidding. Who raises these kids?

Catherine Willows:
I mean, they weren't all delinquents. Demetrius James was a college student.

Nick Stokes:
Hangin' out with the wrong crowd in the wrong town. I'm tellin' ya, havin' a fake I.D in Las Vegas is like havin' a - a free ticket on the hell train. Sex, drugs, gambling, no adult supervision, 24/7, by the time they're 21 they've done and seen it all.

Catherine Willows:
Make me slit my wrists why don't ya? I'm raising a teenager here.

Warrick Brown:
Ah, you're doin' a great job, Linds is gonna turn out to be a beautiful young woman. Besides, I grew up in Vegas, I didn't turn out so bad, did I?

Nick Stokes:
Yeah. That was pre-Mirage. Back when you were goin' to the casino, playin' the arcade games. Nah, Vegas is a different animal now.

Warrick Brown:
Yeah, these kids need to beat people up in the street to be entertained. They need some good discipline, they need their grandmother whuppin' their ass like I had.

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, a good slap.

Sara Sidle:
You know, it kinda sounds like you guys are blaming everyone but these kids. I mean, you don't get a bye just because you grew up here or your parents are on drugs or - - those kids were perfectly capable of telling the difference between a wild night out and beating somebody to death.

Gil Grissom:
The truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction, it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore. And unfortunately this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. "Do whatever you want, we won't tell." So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone. And evidently you don't even have to feel bad about it.

Catherine Willows:
[to Greg, who's all dressed up] All right, slick. Now what's with the suit?

Greg Sanders:
Today was my first jury trial.

Catherine Willows:
Today ended... [checks watch] an hour and a half ago.

Greg Sanders:
Well, maybe I just don't want the day to end.

Gil Grissom:
[to Greg] Greg... lose the monkey suit, you got a scene; liquor store robbery. Here's the address.

Greg Sanders:
[takes slip of paper from Grissom] Related to the earlier 415s?

Gil Grissom:
Could be - Sofia's got one of the suspect's sweaters. I need you to seal it, bring it back here and anything you can find.

Greg Sanders:
All right. Who's my wingman?

Gil Grissom:
You're a big boy, Greg. You don't need a wingman for this.

Greg Sanders:
Primary. [smiles] Nice.

Cha Cha Romero:
Man, everyone loves a good fannysmackin' session.

Catherine Willows:
A what?

Cha Cha Romero:
Beating up fannypackers. You know, tourists.

Catherine Willows:
Why would you want to do that?

Cha Cha Romero:
[shrugs] Nothing else to do.

Nick Stokes:
Now, "y'all" is plural. Believe me, I used the word a lot.

Cole 'Pig' Tritt:
This little piggy went, "wee, wee, wee," all the way home.

Gil Grissom:
Truth is, a moral compass can only point you in the right direction; it can't make you go there. Our culture preaches that you shouldn't be ashamed of anything you do anymore and, unfortunately, this city is built on the principle that there's no such thing as guilt. 'Do whatever you want; we won't tell.' So without a conscience, there's nothing to stop you from killing someone and evidently, you don't even have to feel bad about it.

Jimmy Tadero:
I can't believe you're doing this to me. I gave you your career.

Catherine Willows:
I earned my career. And you did this to yourself. You fabricated evidence, Jimmy.

Jimmy Tadero:
You were two steps from turning tricks. And this is the thanks I get?

Catherine Willows:
I danced - period. And instead of feeling sorry for yourself, think about this: When you were out there planting evidence on a case that you couldn't break, Stephanie's real killer got away. And he's still out there. Because you sold the one thing a cop can't afford to sell: your integrity. So you tell me, between the two of us, who's the whore?

Ananda:
The past is in the past.

Gil Grissom:
True, but sometimes it leaves its fingerprints on the future.

[Ananda is walking alongside the marketplace when Grissom pulls up in his car]

Gil Grissom:
[referencing a Buddhist koan, or proverb] If you see the Buddha on the side of the road, kill him.

Ananda:
[smiles in recognition of it] Because the true Buddha is inside of us. So that is the false Buddha... or a tired monk who doesn't drive because he can't control his anger.

Gil Grissom:
Hop in, I'll give you a lift.

Gil Grissom:
[quoting] "Wherever you live is your temple, if you treat it like one."

Sara Sidle:
State your source.

Gil Grissom:
Buddha.

Henry Andrews:
Remember that time you said that thing about your having a higher commitment to the lab and the pursuit of justice?

David Hodges:
Yeah, I may have said that more than once.

Henry Andrews:
Yeah, you have.

David Hodges:
Car trouble?

Henry Andrews:
Yeah, no kidding. This ruins my whole lunch break and I had things to do!

David Hodges:
You know, Henry, maybe you should stay out of parking garages. Bad things seem to happen to you there.

Wendy Simms:
Hey. I saw you and Henry in the hall earlier and...

David Hodges:
Look, I haven't been messing with Henry. I'm not trying to spoil your date and I hope that you guys have a very nice life together.

Wendy Simms:
I really wasn't trying to blame you for anything. I was just checking in.

David Hodges:
Why are your hands in your pockets?

Wendy Simms:
[awkwardly] Because I'm socially awkward and it gives me a sense of security.

David Hodges:
[throws a cardboard box at her head. When she doesn't take her hands out, he continues] You know, after Henry accused me I suspected that someone was trying to pin their practical jokes on me so... I mixed up a little something called "Detection Spray" and I put it all over the surfaces that I thought Henry would most vulnerable to pranks, including his locker. It's essentially a ninhydrin solution that goes on clear and reacts with the amino salts in perspiration, leaving a stain on anyone who touches it. And the more that the person tries to wash it off, the more the stain spreads.

Wendy Simms:
That's really fascinating - I should go. [starts to leave]

David Hodges:
I can last up to five days. You may want to wear a dress with pockets tonight.

Wendy Simms:
[stops and turns around. After a moment, she takes her hands out and shows him the stain] I'm not proud of this.

Gil Grissom:
You wanted to work solo.

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, but it's like Night of the Pifflings out there and I'm on a smash and grab.

Gil Grissom:
Pifflings?

Nick Stokes:
Puffin offspring. First time out of the nest every year they crash land in this town near Iceland because they are attracted to the lights of human civilization. It's the same way people flock to Vegas for a fight.

[For a moment, GRISSOM stares a NICK. Then his face lights up as though he's finally figured it out]

Gil Grissom:
Animal Planet.

[GRISSOM turns and walks down the hallway]

Nick Stokes:
[calls out] How come when you talk about bugs everyone says you're a genius but when I talk about birds everyone says I watch too much television?

Gil Grissom:
I don't know. Look, the next night of the pifflings you get the first dead body.

Nick Stokes:
How come when you talk about bugs, everyone thinks you're a genius, but when I talk about birds, everyone says I watch too much television?

[pause]

Gil Grissom:
I don't know.

[Performing an autopsy]

Dr. Al Robbins:
You say tomato... I say cause of death.

[while processing the boxing ring, Sara comes across the spit bucket filled with blood and saliva; she turns to Warrick with a tight smile on her face]

Warrick Brown:
What's so funny?

Sara Sidle:
Smiling suppresses the gag reflex.

Warrick Brown:
This is coming from the same woman who processed fecal fat from a ruptured colon.

Sara Sidle:
Every crim has a problem area. Mine is saliva.

Captain Jim Brass:
Nick, what was that shot?

Nick Stokes:
Miss.

Rhone Kinsey-Confer:
Freaking pony lover...

[Gil Grissom smiles]

Gil Grissom:
A horse, a horse, my kingdom for a horse.

[the investigators discover a horse was being used to smuggle diamonds]

Gil Grissom:
The horse is a mule.

Catherine Willows:
Tough shift.

Greg Sanders:
You did say "shift", right?

[first lines]

[Grissom struggles to tie a bowtie]

Catherine Willows:
What are you doing?

Gil Grissom:
I'm going insane. I don't understand this diagram.

Catherine Willows:
You don't need a diagram. You need a woman.

[stands behind him and successfully ties the tie]

Catherine Willows:
I'm looking forward to your speech.

[Grissom's speech on a napkin]

Gil Grissom:
What can I say about Conrad Ecklie?

Sofia Curtis:
Sofia Curtis.

Gil Grissom:
CSI-three, day shift. You work for Ecklie.

Sofia Curtis:
As of tonight, so do you.

[Grissom leaves the ballroom and comes to the hotel]

Officer Metcalf:
Hey, Griss. What's with the monkey suit?

Gil Grissom:
I was at a funeral across the street.

Officer Metcalf:
At a casino? My condolences.

Gil Grissom:
Do you always process like this?

Sofia Curtis:
Like what?

Gil Grissom:
With your mouth.

[Sofia tells something to Grissom who isn't paying attention to her]

Sofia Curtis:
[pause] That time I was talking to you.

Gil Grissom:
Huh? [turns to her] Sorry. I was, uh, treating it like white noise.

Catherine Willows:
Why are you talking to yourself?

Gil Grissom:
I'm trying a new technique.

Catherine Willows:
Is it working?

Gil Grissom:
I have no idea.

Catherine Willows:
You crack this kid's head open, all that would come out would be T and A.

Greg Sanders:
I think you said that about me once.

Catherine Willows:
Actually, more than once.

Sofia Curtis:
It's OK I am wearing underwear. As far as you know.

Gil Grissom:
Oh.

Gil Grissom:
Teenage wasteland.

Warrick Brown:
Who?

Gil Grissom:
Yeah!

Nick Stokes:
Blood's like my grandfather. Never lies.

Gil Grissom:
Someone chased this kid to death.

Nick Stokes:
It's our job to know how. You heard Grissom: the more 'how' the less 'why'. The less the 'how' the more the 'why'.

Catherine Willows:
Hey, Nick. Grissom's not always right. Do yourself a favor ; think for yourself. I mean that as a friend, okay?

Gil Grissom:
[to Ethan] Let me tell you something, Humbert. You're twice the age of these kids, and half of them couldn't find their own ass with a map. You prey on innocent children, concocting God-knows-what from God-knows-where, selling Russian Roulette in a bottle and you think we came all the way out here to bust you for possession, you dumb punk? I'm gonna get you for murder. Cool?

Warrick Brown:
Where are you going?

Gil Grissom:
Away. [Rides a rollercoaster alone]

Gil Grissom:
I was flying to a seminar in New Hampshire a couple of summers ago. I was sitting in the plane next to a Philosophy Professor from Harvard. He told me this story about how every morning he takes a leak right after his three-hour philosophy class. He flushed the toilet, there'd be this tiny brown spider fighting for its life against the swirling water. He came back the next day, flush. Same spider, clawing its way back from oblivion. A week goes by, he decides to liberate the spider. Grabs a paper towel, scoops him up and sets him on the floor in the corner of the stall. Comes back the next day, and what do you think happened to the spider?

Warrick Brown:
Dead.

Gil Grissom:
On his back, eight legs in the air. Why? Because one life imposed itself on another. Right then I realized where we stand. I understood our role. We don't impose our will. We don't impose our hopes on the evidence.

[a suspect is at a convention for people who dress as animals]

Captain Jim Brass:
What do we do... put out an A.P.B. on Tom and Jerry?

[after finding traces of semen on Bud Simmons' cat costume]

Catherine Willows:
Okay, well, I've heard of some guys getting off in some weird ways, but humping an animal suit? Whatever happened to normal sex?

Gil Grissom:
What is normal sex?

Catherine Willows:
So you think it's natural for a grown human to only be intimate with a talking animal?

Gil Grissom:
Well, Freud said that the only unusual sexual behavior was to have none at all. And after that, it was only a matter of opportunity and preference. And evidently, some people prefer the feel of fur to the texture of human skin.

Catherine Willows:
Well, I like hairy chests, but I'm not about to bop a six-foot weasel.

Gil Grissom:
Whoa, this is incredibly detailed. Eyelashes, nostrils...

Catherine Willows:
Oh yeah, that's what you see out of. I once dated the Detroit Lions Mascot. Off season. Dutch was his name.

Gil Grissom:
The breadth of your social experience never ceases to impress me.

[the CSIs are looking for suspects at a Plushies and Furries party]

Polar Bear:
Password?

Catherine Willows:
E-I-E-I-O?

Gil Grissom:
Most mammals only copulate seasonally.

Catherine Willows:
How boring.

Hodges:
I've stopped trying to figure out people.

Sara Sidle:
Smart idea.

Hodges:
I know.

Security guard:
Look, if my boss finds out I'm leaving every night to get my burger, I'm toast.

Detective Vega:
You keep lying to us, you're gonna be toast in a jumpsuit.

[Mindy is a drug addict whose problem indirectly cost a friend his life]

Mindy DuPont:
One guy's dead. One guy's going to jail.

Gil Grissom:
You're free to go.

Mindy DuPont:
Go where?

Jamal:
Finders keepers, baby. I gotta bag me some ho's.

Warrick Brown:
What drug is he on?

Captain Jim Brass:
I don't know. Whatever it is, he either took too much or not enough.

Catherine Willows:
[analyzing boxers] Alright, what do those look like to you?

Greg Sanders:
Semen stains.

Catherine Willows:
Yeah.

Greg Sanders:
Which on a man's underwear aren't exactly probative.

Catherine Willows:
No.

Greg Sanders:
I can't tell you how long they've been there or how often the guy changes his shorts. You know, I knew guys who could go up to four days on one single pair of tighty whities.

Catherine Willows:
Thanks for puttin' that picture in my brain.

Sara Sidle:
[Grissom gave her a strange look] What?

Gil Grissom:
I haven't seen you in a while, have I?

Sara Sidle:
You see me every day. [smiles and walks away]

Catherine Willows:
So, if he was hooking it up in Tranny Town, we'd expect to find some man-on-man porn. All we've got here is varying sizes of jugs.

[picking Cath up for dinner]

Chris Bezich:
So, what are you in the mood for?

Catherine Willows:
Room service.

Buddy Ween:
That son of a b*tch! He was working off the books. I can't believe he would try to stiff me.

Sara Sidle:
He's actually the one who got stiffed.

Greg Sanders:
The gods of CODIS have blessed us with a hit: Riley "Boom-Boom" Reynaldo. Proud owner of two assault-and-battery charges and one possession with the intent to distribute.

Julie Finlay:
Oh waiter! Excuse me. Could we have a very nice bottle of champagne?

Sara Sidle:
Finn, it's like barely 9 o'clock in the morning

Julie Finlay:
Eh, with orange juice

D.B. Russell:
Ah, the smell of decomp in the morning!

David Hodges:
Reduced to a jar of poop. I know how I want to end

D.B. Russell:
Pretty sure our victim didn't want to end that way up either!

Sara Sidle:
[to the new CSI, Ronnie] You know what, that question, I will answer. We're not here to protect anyone, Ronnie - not even the cops. We're here to figure out what happened. If you can't do that, you should get a different job.

Marlon West:
I asked Hannah to teach me how to make GHB, and how to get it into Kira. I just wanted to mess her up a bit. I snuck it into Kira's room a few days ago; I still had a key. Hannah must've made a copy.

Sara Sidle:
I believe you, Marlon. I really do. But the only thing that a jury's going to see is your prints on the lube, your prints on the windowsill, and another dead girl.

Marlon West:
Why is Hannah doing this to me?

Sara Sidle:
I don't know. All I know is... you don't deserve to take the fall for this. And the question is... are you going to let your sister get away with this and spend the rest of your life in jail?

Marlon West:
If Hannah wants me in jail, that's where I'm going to be. There's nothing I can do about it.

Hannah West:
You don't expect me to confess to something I didn't do?

Sara Sidle:
I am just putting you on notice. You are not fooling me anymore.

Hannah West:
I think I know why you're so angry, Sara. I did some research. I read about what that serial killer did to you out in the desert, under that car...

Sara Sidle:
We're talking about you, Hannah.

Hannah West:
It must've been so terrible being trapped like that all alone. Did your life flash in front of your eyes?

Sara Sidle:
That is none of your business.

Hannah West:
You must've been so sad knowing that you were gonna lose everyone who mattered to you.

Sara Sidle:
Stop it, Hannah.

Hannah West:
Look, I know how it feels. One moment my parents were alive, and the next they were gone.

Sara Sidle:
Answer the question!

Hannah West:
My life changed in that moment. All that I have left is Marlon. Why would I do anything to hurt him?

Sara Sidle:
[stands and hits the table] Stop playing games with me! [leaves the room]

Hannah West:
You're the one who's playing games.

Hannah West:
[to Sara] He didn't kill Kira. He cared about her.

Sara Sidle:
Hannah, what makes you think that I would believe anything that you tell me?

Hannah West:
[sweetly smiles] I suppose I'm an optimist. College has been a difficult adjustment for Marlon, especially after we lost our parents.

Sara Sidle:
I'm sorry about that.

Hannah West:
You're not really, though. When will Marlon be able to leave?

Sara Sidle:
Well, we're going to keep him here as long as we possibly can.

Hannah West:
At least that's honest. It also seems a little vindictive.

Sara Sidle:
Given your brother's history, I think it's pretty sensible.

Hannah West:
What's wrong, Sara? You're different than you used to be. You're angry. And a little sad, too. Why?

Sara Sidle:
If you want to spend more time with your brother, I recommend you invest in a good lawyer, Hannah.

Marlon West:
I'm telling you, I didn't kill Kira. I've never lied to you. Not once. You just never believe me. When I'm guilty, you want me to be innocent. When I'm innocent, you want me to be guilty.

Nick Stokes:
Hey, you know what, Marlon? You can save it, 'cause unlike most people, you're not going to get me to underestimate you. I already know you're every bit as smart as your sister, especially when it comes to creating confusion.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to Sara] It's going to be tough to get a warrant.

Sara Sidle:
I need Marlon West's DNA. If his semen is in Kira Dellinger, it puts him at the murder.

Captain Jim Brass:
Look, they had a known sexual relationship, so there's no evidence of rape. And I don't know if you know this, but Marlon's mother and father were killed in a car accident last year. Judge Bowman is going to be very sensitive to that. It could look like harassment.

Sara Sidle:
Jim, are you going to talk to the judge or not?

Captain Jim Brass:
Wow, you really got it out for this kid. What's the deal here, Sara?

Sara Sidle:
Marlon West has killed before.

Captain Jim Brass:
Not according to a jury of his peers.

Sara Sidle:
Did you have fun talking to Kira Dellinger's parents?

Captain Jim Brass:
Excuse me?

Sara Sidle:
Must've been a lot of screaming and crying and despair.

Captain Jim Brass:
Yeah, there usually is. What's your point, Sara?

Captain Jim Brass:
My point is, if we had done our job right the first time, Marlon West would be in jail, and Kira Dellinger would still be alive. Talk to the judge.

Marlon West:
[to Marlon] We're here to talk to you about Kira Dellinger.

Marlon West:
Kira committed suicide.

Sara Sidle:
Actually, she was murdered.

Marlon West:
Somebody I know ends up dead and I'm automatically a suspect?

Captain Jim Brass:
History has a way of repeating itself, Marlon.

Nick Stokes:
[about Marlon West] He confessed. It was later thrown out on a technicality. We really didn't need it. The prosecution's case against Marlon was very strong.

Sara Sidle:
Until Marlon's little sister Hannah got on the stand and confessed to the murder herself.

Catherine Willows:
Oh, yes, I remember this case. A high school senior at age 12.

Nick Stokes:
She's a pint-size Machiavelli. She manipulated events, fabricated evidence, and in the end...

Sara Sidle:
She claimed that she did it because she loved Marlon. Some warped sense of justice... She graduated later that summer, became legally emancipated from her parents and went off to Harvard, pre-med.

Gil Grissom:
You keeping tabs on her?

Sara Sidle:
Not recently. Look, accident or no accident, Marlon killed before. Hannah sunk this case, Marlon got a free pass, and now he's killed again.

Catherine Willows:
Well, we don't know that just yet. I mean, we don't have Marlon's DNA to compare with the semen that was found in the victim. All the old evidence was expunged with the verdict.

Sara Sidle:
I want this case.

Gil Grissom:
The one that got away?

Sara Sidle:
We're not supposed to let them get away, right?

Greg Sanders:
Looks like our vic was in a goth band. You know, I used to be goth.

Nick Stokes:
Mh-hmm.

Greg Sanders:
Yeah, the goth-thing was just an act. Chicks dug it.

Nick Stokes:
How does that work?

Greg Sanders:
You act depressed to get chicks, you get depressed chicks.

Ronnie Lake:
Mrs. Jimenez, are you okay?

Kim Jiminez:
Bad back.

Ronnie Lake:
[looks at Mrs. Jimenez's back and finds a knife sticking out of it] Sara, she's got a very bad back.

Marlon West:
Hannah, they're going to put me away for the rest of my life.

Hannah West:
The evidence is against you, particularly given your history of violence.

Marlon West:
Please... after everything I've done for you, after everything we've done for each other, at least tell me why.

Hannah West:
Because I love you.

Marlon West:
And I love you, too.

Hannah West:
No, you don't. But you will. I promise, I'll visit you every week.

Ronnie Lake:
[about the Jiminezes] How are we going to handle this?

Sara Sidle:
Well, the guy's under arrest.

Ronnie Lake:
He'll be free by tomorrow. Her husband is obviously abusing her. [sighs] There's got to be something we can do.

Sara Sidle:
We'll be back for her body next month. Or his. Or both. There is nothing you can do about this, Ronnie. Don't kid yourself.

Sara Sidle:
[to Ronnie about Mrs. Jimenez] What happened? Her husband attack her again?

Ronnie Lake:
No. She came involuntarily. It took some convincing, but she's agreed to go to a shelter.

Sara Sidle:
She won't stay.

Ronnie Lake:
Maybe not. But at least now she has a chance. Look, I did it all on my own time, no OT. I know it's not the way you do things, but I think it's part of the job. At least, that's how I want it to be. For me.

Greg Sanders:
If you've got a band, you've got a blog.

Nick Stokes:
What guy would like having his little sister around to watch as he gets his ass kicked in front of his girlfriend?

Hannah West:
[to Sara] You need to talk to me again?

Sara Sidle:
I do. I know that you killed Kira Dellinger. I just can't prove it.

Hannah West:
That must be frustrating for you.

Sara Sidle:
Hannah, Marlon's dead.

Hannah West:
Wow. That's a really sad and desperate ploy, Sara. It's beneath you. [Sara shows Hannah the photo of Marlon hanging at the windowsill] .

Sara Sidle:
He was doing well here, wasn't he? Making friends, joining a band, falling in love. But you're still a freak, just like high school.

Hannah West:
You're lying. No. This is a lie.

Sara Sidle:
His world got bigger, and yours stayed the same, and you killed Kira so you could keep him all to yourself, didn't you?

Hannah West:
[screams] It's a lie! No... it's a lie! It's a lie! This is a... lie! [She drops her backpack and grabs Sara's hands. Sara struggles with her and kneels as Hannah cries] Stop it! Marlon... he-he-he can't leave me all alone. [Sara puts her arm around Hannah]

Sara Sidle:
I don't think Kira punched Marlon. I think Hannah picked up the tooth from a fight that Marlon had earlier in the evening. And I think she planted it on Kira. [Grissom is silent as he thinks about it] That's crazy.

Gil Grissom:
It's possible.

Sara Sidle:
This kid is spinning me in circles again.

Gil Grissom:
You know, Sara, some cases, some suspects, can get under your skin. Like this tooth. But you can't let 'em make you feel bad.

Sara Sidle:
Gil, You know I love you. I feel I've loved you forever. Lately, I haven't been feeling very well. Truth be told, I'm tired. Out in the desert, under that car that night, I realized something, and I haven't been able to shake it. Since my father died, I've spent almost my entire life with ghosts. We've been like close friends, and out there in the desert, it occurred to me that it was time for me to bury them. I can't do that here. I'm so sorry. No matter how hard I try to fight it off, I'm left with the feeling that I have to go. I have no idea where I'm going, but I know I have to do this. If I don't, I'm afraid I'll self destruct, and worse, you'll be there to see it happen. Be safe. Know that I tried very hard to stay. Know that you're my one and only. I will miss you with every beat of my heart. Our life together was the only home I've ever really had. I wouldn't trade it for anything. I love you. I always will. Good bye.

Dr. Al Robbins:
[after David has performed an autopsy on a living man, who later passes on] All right David, take two.

Gil Grissom:
[holding up a human eye] Well, someone's missing a contact lens.

Gil Grissom:
Once upon a midnight dreary, while I pondered, weak and weary, over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.

Catherine Willows:
We're up a tree and you're quoting Poe? Give me something else.

Gil Grissom:
Quoth the Raven, only this and nothing more.

Nick Stokes:
[in the lab, looking at an object from the landfill] Found a pregnancy test. Better luck next time. [sets it aside]

Officer Michaels:
Anonymous 911 caller reported body parts in this area. I rolled and found this.

[shows some insides in a bloody puddle]

Nick Stokes:
Hm. Tasty.

David Hodges:
You know, far be it from me to wax nostalgic, but, uh, I kind of miss the old Greg: Ugly T-shirts, goofy hair, semi-pornographic magazines...

Greg Sanders:
Yeah, well, at least I had a style to change.

David Hodges:
Oh, and by the way, uh, this is just the work me. You haven't had the full David Hodges experience.

Greg Sanders:
I think I'm having it right now.

Warrick Brown:
You know, Tina doesn't like me carrying a gun. I play down the fact that I'm a cop when I'm with her anyway.

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, yeah, you play the scientist card: You're a "copologist".

Sara Sidle:
Ether? That's old school.

Warrick Brown:
Yeah, stuff is volatile, flammable. Outside of meth cooks, no one uses it anymore.

Gil Grissom:
People use what they know.

[Nick turns the tape recorder on]

Walter Gordon:
[taunting] Hi, CSI guy. You're wondering why you're here? Because you followed the evidence. Because that's what CSIs do. So, breathe quick, breathe slow. Put your gun in your mouth and pull the trigger. Any way you like, you're gonna die here.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to witness] I'm gonna get right to it, because time is of the essence here. Where did you get that package, bud?

Delivery Man's Attorney:
[to Brass] I'd like to advise my client.

Delivery Man's Attorney:
[to witness] Careful how you answer that, son. This man here's slicker than a snake in the curly green grass.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to witness] He's right. So you'd better be careful.

Conrad Ecklie:
I'm proposing we eliminate all overtime on lab work except for priority cases, stop hiring based on attrition, reassign existing personnel based on peak staffing needs. Over the next fiscal year, that should clear at least a million.

Undersheriff McKeen:
Assuming any of those measures actually saves money, which isn't really the issue here, is it?

Conrad Ecklie:
I'll take the heat.

Undersheriff McKeen:
You want to do something for your people? Get them ready for a funeral.

Tony Curtis:
[about early 70's] Everybody knew your name in those days.

Frank Gorshin:
You could dress up in drag.

Tony Curtis:
Me, dress up in drag? Who do you think you're talking to? Jack Lemmon?

Catherine Willows:
One of my guys is in trouble: He's been kidnapped. I need a million dollars in cash. Large bills. And I need it now.

Sam Braun:
Let me guess: The department won't pay the ransom.

Catherine Willows:
No.

Sam Braun:
Why should I?

Catherine Willows:
Considering the problems that you've had with the law, you could use some good publicity.

Sam Braun:
Do I look like a man that needs publicity? If you're coming to me like a cop with a tin cup in your hand, the answer is no.

Catherine Willows:
I'm not here as a cop.

Sam Braun:
Then ask me like you were my daughter.

Walter Gordon:
You're telling me there's a million dollars in here.

Gil Grissom:
Yes.

Walter Gordon:
Along with some cute little booby traps? Which is it? A tracer? A dye pack?

Gil Grissom:
Normally, you'd be 100% right, but this time, you're 100% wrong. We want Nick back, no tricks.

[last lines]

Walter Gordon:
[to Grissom] What does Nick Stokes mean to you? How do you feel when you see him in that coffin? Does your soul die every time you push that button? How do you feel, knowing that there's nothing you can do to get him out of that hell? Helpless? Useless? Impotent? Good. Welcome to my world.

[unbuttons his jacket and shows explosives hooked up around his waist; puts his finger on the button]

Walter Gordon:
Uh, if I were you, I'd back up a little.

[presses the button]

[Nick is being taken to the hospital, with Catherine and Warrick accompanying him. Ecklie and Grissom watch the ambulance leave]

Gil Grissom:
I want my guys back.

[Nick is lying in the coffin]

Gil Grissom:
Pancho! Listen to me. Put your hand on my hand. Good. Now listen. There may be explosives under the box.

Nick Stokes:
[in the coffin; saying good bye to his family and friends; speaking to Grissom] I disappointed you.

Gil Grissom:
[at the lab watching the video] No you never did, Nick.

Nick Stokes:
[Nick is seen on video feed saying something unheard, possible "I never meant to disappoint you."]

Gil Grissom:
You never did, Nicky.

Gil Grissom:
Alright, Poncho, we're gonna open the lid and get you out, but I need you to stay lying dowm. Okay? Or else you'll blow us all up. You understand that?

Nick Stokes:
Yeah, yeah.

Gil Grissom:
Do you promise, Poncho? [Nick nods] Say I promise.

Nick Stokes:
[crying] I promise.

Judge Stokes:
[cheerfully] So, Doctor. How did my son die? Anaphylactic shock?

Dr. Al Robbins:
No, no, he didn't live long enough for that. C.O.D. was asphyxiation. When the blood oxygen drops to less than 16% and the CO2 builds up, there's a rapid loss of consciousness. Death within minutes with no disfiguring physical findings.

Judge Stokes:
He'll look great at the funeral.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Oh, yes.

Judge Stokes:
His mother will appreciate that.

David Phillips:
[about Nick] Do you think he suffered?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Do I think he suffered? Yes. Definitely.

[first lines]

[paramedic checks Grissom after explosion]

Paramedic:
Pupils are even.

Gil Grissom:
[to himself] He blew himself up and left us with nothing.

Sara Sidle:
The CSI is still missing. Do you know where he is?

Kelly Gordon:
That's pretty funny: You guys not being able to find something.

Nick Stokes:
[to Kelly] In a few years, when you get out of here, don't take it with you.

[Grissom and Catherine are looking at a science project class volcano]

Catherine Willows:
In fifth grade I built one of these as my science fair project, it was awesome. First place should have been mine, but they ended up giving it to this kid with some lame red ant colony.

[Catherine looks at Grissom who is smiling]

Catherine Willows:
That was you!

Gil Grissom:
Yeah, only my ants were black Argentineans.

Catherine Willows:
Uh-huh...

Gil Grissom:
I learned at a very early age that the bugs always win.

Catherine Willows:
Right...

Warrick Brown:
Checking glassware for spots?

Greg Sanders:
[examining a wine glass] You know, a hot tub is just like a dishwasher. Washes away all of the impurities.

Warrick Brown:
Including hydrofluoric acid, huh?

Greg Sanders:
[speaking in a French accent and showing Warrick a sample jar of wine] '93 Pinot. Either it was a bad year for wine or a bad year for Amelia. I found trace amounts of hydrofluoric acid in the vino.

Warrick Brown:
So, somebody did spike the wine?

Greg Sanders:
Oui.

DDA Madeline Klein:
[to Grissom] You're the only man who's never let me down. I guess that either makes you a classic enabler... or my soulmate.

[Nick has a cold and coughs on Hodges]

David Hodges:
You know, in China people where masks when they're sick. It's considered impolite to infect your coworkers.

Nick Stokes:
Maybe you should go work in China.

David Hodges:
Maybe you should wear a mask.

Nick Stokes:
Ma'am, I'm gonna need to get your prints, too.

Cody Cook:
I don't like where this is going.

Captain Jim Brass:
It's going downtown.

Sage:
Do you believe in past lives?

Nick Stokes:
No.

Sage:
Why not?

Nick Stokes:
I guess I'm just trying to make it through this one.

Sage:
I think you're doing pretty well.

[Nick smiles]

[Nick and Cassie are alone in Cassie's hospital room. Cassie has a small notebook in her hands]

Cassie McBride:
[writes on notebook] Where is my family?

Nick Stokes:
They're in Vegas.

Cassie McBride:
[writes on notebook] I'm ten years old, don't baby me!

Nick Stokes:
The bodies are in the coroners office, honey.

Warrick Brown:
This microscope I got from the high school is a joke.

Warrick Brown:
I was talking to Tina the other night, she said something that made me think.

Greg Sanders:
[coughs] Yoko Ono.

[walks into a basement filled with marijuana]

Greg Sanders:
Sweet Mary Jane!

Cassie McBride:
[first and last lines, in a raspy voice] They came to... my house... They had a fight... They couldn't find what they were looking for... I loved my family.

Catherine Willows:
[scolding Lindsey after she tried to get a ride off the highway] I don't know what I'm going to do with you. You've been talking back to your teachers, skipping school, and now hitch-hiking. What's next?

Lindsey Willows:
[under her breath] Stripping.

Catherine Willows:
Excuse me?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Childhood keeps getting shorter and shorter... you know why that is?

Catherine Willows:
[sobbing] Honestly, I DON'T!

Daniel Perez:
You may not believe in God, sir, but you do His work.

Gil Grissom:
Nick. You failed your firearm qualifications. You can't be here.

Nick Stokes:
Oh yeah, well, I'm takin' it again, day after tomorrow. So I figured I could work.

Gil Grissom:
Not in the field.

Nick Stokes:
You're serious?

Gil Grissom:
You're in violation just carrying a weapon.

Sara Sidle:
This counts as field work, you know.

Greg Sanders:
Oh, I'm smiling on the inside.

Sara Sidle:
Dirty laundry or garbage? [before Greg can answer] You know what? You take garbage.

Greg Sanders:
Thanks.

Catherine Willows:
[to Gil] Have you been to bed?

Gil Grissom:
Yes.

Catherine Willows:
Did you sleep? [pauses] Me neither. She was the same age as Lindsey. She was trying to hitchhike.

Gil Grissom:
Where was she going?

Catherine Willows:
Fremont Street.

Gil Grissom:
Was she buying drugs?

Catherine Willows:
No! She's twelve. She's... just so angry. She doesn't talk to me.

Gil Grissom:
Well, if enough people knew what was out there hunting them, they'd never leave their house. I think you need to sit her down.

Catherine Willows:
Well, I don't want to scare her. I don't want my daughter to be this... frightened, paranoid kid who's always looking over her shoulder.

Gil Grissom:
Catherine, there's a big difference between scaring her and preparing her. And all the reasons why you should are in that room.

Greg Sanders:
[to Mia] So would you like to grab a bite later? I know a diner down the street that serves a mean liver and onions.

Mia Dickerson:
I don't eat out.

Greg Sanders:
Never ever?

Mia Dickerson:
I don't like expectorant.

Greg Sanders:
Really?

Mia Dickerson:
Kitchen staff talk while they prepare your food and then the wait staff repeats your order over the plate, and by the time you get your meal, there are several DNA samples coating it.

Greg Sanders:
Wow.

Mia Dickerson:
Yeah. No, thank you.

Mia Dickerson:
I don't eat birthday cake either.

Greg Sanders:
Oh, blowing out the candles.

Mia Dickerson:
Ugh. Don't get me started.

Gil Grissom:
[to Sybil] Did you injure yourself, Mrs. Perez?

Sybil Perez:
[looks down and sees a bloodstain on her shirt] Oh, a nosebleed.

Gil Grissom:
That's a lot of blood. I'm going to need to take your shirt.

Sybil Perez:
Why?

Gil Grissom:
If you like, I can have someone follow you home so that you can change.

Sybil Perez:
You think we had something to do with it? Our daughter is missing. She's out there somewhere alone and scared. What are you doing about that?

Gil Grissom:
I'm just collecting evidence.

Sybil Perez:
Fine. Here! [removes her shirt and throws it at Grissom] Take it! Go find her!

Store Clerk:
[to Brass as he carries a box of drinks] Look, dude, I didn't see it. [puts the box down on the side] Chica had a nice, round ass and that's what I was scoping.

Captain Jim Brass:
What time was that?

Store Clerk:
About three. She comes in, grabs some candy, looks outside, waves at somebody. The next thing I know, she flips her wig. She's screaming about her sister. I didn't see the girl or a car. Besides, there's a lot of traffic out there.

Captain Jim Brass:
Was it busy?

Store Clerk:
Kind of.

Captain Jim Brass:
How many surveillance cameras do you have in here?

Store Clerk:
Inside we got five. They're all state-of-the-art. Place gets hit a lot. Outside they're all dummies.

Captain Jim Brass:
Well, I'm glad to see you're so concerned about your customers after they leave the store.

Catherine Willows:
[to Lindsey] Mouthing off to teachers, slipping grades, and now hitchhiking. I mean what's next, Lindsey?

Lindsey Willows:
Stripping.

Catherine Willows:
What did you just say? Okay, no phone, no friends, no nothing.

Lindsey Willows:
For how long?

Catherine Willows:
A month.

Lindsey Willows:
Whatever.

Catherine Willows:
Hey, you want to make it two?

Lindsey Willows:
Dad always said you were a drama queen.

Catherine Willows:
Well, what do you expect, Lindsey, since he was always high.

Lindsey Willows:
I'd take Dad high over you any day! Nana's coming to pick me up. I'll be out front.

Gil Grissom:
Alicia's cause of death?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Cardiopulmonary arrest.

Gil Grissom:
Time of death?

Dr. Al Robbins:
That's a little trickier. No solids in the stomach contents, just a milky liquid. Liver mortis was fixed and deep purple with a vitreous humor potassium level of 20 millimoles per liter with faint putrefaction. So, I'd say she's been dead about... 44 hours between midnight and 8:00 A.M., the day of her kidnapping.

Gil Grissom:
Which means April Perez was lying about the abduction.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Yep. Story's got more holes than her sister's bones.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to April Perez] I bought it the hell we all bought it. But your sister was already dead when you raised that alarm. Her body told us that. There was no sexual assault. The evidence told us that, too. So you didn't think this through, sweetheart. So what are we left with? A false police report and a murdered little girl. So it's one to four for the Amber Alert. And for your sister, life imprisonment if it's an accident, and the needle if it's not.

April Perez:
I didn't kill Alicia.

Captain Jim Brass:
But you know, I get it. I get the picture. I mean, your brother's the center of attention. He's sick, he's dying. Your cells don't match. Your parents have Alicia. She's his savior. So, where do you fit in? What are you to this family?

April Perez:
I'm invisible.

Captain Jim Brass:
But not anymore you're not. She's dead, and your brother's sick. When he goes...

April Perez:
That's crazy, okay. I told you, I didn't kill my sister.

Captain Jim Brass:
I want to believe that. Come on. Help me to believe that. It just means you were in on it because you put on one hell of a show. You still using?

April Perez:
No.

Captain Jim Brass:
Maybe we should run your blood just to be sure, huh?

April Perez:
I use now and then to take the edge off.

Captain Jim Brass:
So how do you pay for this habit? Are you pimping your sister for drugs, April?

April Perez:
Why don't you make up your mind? No signs of rape. If I was selling my sister, there would be, wouldn't there?

Captain Jim Brass:
Depends on who you sold it to. You're not gonna talk your way out of this one. You need to get clean.

April Perez:
What I need is a lawyer, which means this conversation is over.

Sybil Perez:
[to Catherine about Alicia] You have no idea what it's like.

Catherine Willows:
I saw her medical records. I looked at her x-rays. I know what that little girl suffered, what you put her through.

Sybil Perez:
So you would let your child die and do nothing. Never. No, you'd talk to doctors and research. And then you'd find out that the national bone marrow registry can't help you 'cause your son is mixed race. And even if he wasn't, there aren't enough donors. Out of four million, only 205,000 are Latino. I did what I had to do.

Catherine Willows:
You put one child over another.

Sybil Perez:
[scoffs] I don't expect you to understand. You don't have kids.

Catherine Willows:
Uh, I have a daughter.

Sybil Perez:
So, what kind of mother are you? When do you see her? You work nights. You probably don't even know where she half the time. Alicia's life may not have been simple, but at least I knew her. Can you say the same?

Sara Sidle:
[sees two pill bottles] Daniel Perez is taking oxycodone for pain, and Alicia was on diazepam.

Warrick Brown:
Diazepam? That's a pretty hard-core antidepressant for a kid that small.

Sara Sidle:
I guess they didn't want her complaining while they were mining her body for healthy cells.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to Carlos Perez] Wasn't Alicia part of your family? You're her father, you dumb bastard! You're supposed to protect her. What kind of man are you?

Carlos Perez:
Guilty.

Daniel Perez:
[to Grissomm in a church] I didn't realize until... today... how lucky I am. I know pretty much... how and when I'm gonna die. Most people don't. It's what they're afraid of.

Gil Grissom:
Was your sister afraid?

Daniel Perez:
Never. I'm 11 years older than her, and she took care of me. She was my best friend, and I miss her. As much pain as... I caused her... and she wouldn't give up, and she... she wouldn't let me, either. That's why... during the last relapse, I made my parents swear that it was the very last time.

Gil Grissom:
But then your kidneys failed, and they broke their word, huh?

Daniel Perez:
They told me they... swore not to fight the cancer, so this didn't count. I wasn't gonna lose this fight. I couldn't watch her suffer anymore.

Gil Grissom:
This wasn't a mercy killing, Daniel. This was an execution. Bone marrow, transfusions... that's her blood in your veins. It dripped out of your nose onto the blanket while you were killing her. If you cared so much for Alicia, why didn't you take your own life instead of hers?

Daniel Perez:
Suicide isn't an option. It's an unforgivable sin in the eyes of God.

Gil Grissom:
But you believe that your god forgives murder? If that's your defense, it won't keep you out of jail.

Daniel Perez:
[in tears, crying] But my death will. See, I've got about six more months. I'll be dead before there's even a trial. I-I do want to thank you, though.

Gil Grissom:
For what?

Gil Grissom:
For speaking for Alicia. You're probably the first person in her life to think only of her. You know, you may not believe in God, sir, but you do his work.

Nick Stokes:
Too bad for him, the hero only wins in comic books

D.B. Russell:
"I wear a mask. And that mask, it's not to hide who I am, but to create what I am"

Sara Sidle:
I give up. Are you quoting Sun Tzu?

D.B. Russell:
Eh, no, no, no. A different warrior: Batman, volume 1, number 624. What are you doing?

Sara Sidle:
Oh, I'm just trying to see your feet. The last Batman fan I met was shoeless and lives in an alley. You know, I never pegged you for a comic book nerd

D.B. Russell:
My early teens, every dime I had went to comic books

Sara Sidle:
I guess I just don't get it. You know? My childhood fantasies was never my escape. I lost myself in science and numbers, it's all I needed I guess

D.B. Russell:
Well, you liked things that were clear and proven. Right or wrong. Black or white

Sara Sidle:
Maybe

D.B. Russell:
So what do you think? Maybe we have two bodies but just one killer?

Nick Stokes:
And zero idea who it is

[first lines; Hollywood Boulevard]

Ellie Rebecca Brass:
Hey. You get anything?

Dakota:
No. [a BMW pulls up alongside them] My, uh, knight in shining German armor has arrived.

Ellie Rebecca Brass:
See if he has room for two. Careful.

Dakota:
[to driver] Hey. You wanna party?

Captain Jim Brass:
Oh. Hey, Sheriff. I'm glad I caught you. Um... [pause] I got to take some emergency leave. It's a... it's a family matter.

Sheriff Burdick:
I didn't know you had a family.

Captain Jim Brass:
Well, you're new, we haven't had a chance to talk. I briefed my lieutenant on my cases. He'll cover for me for a couple of days.

Sheriff Burdick:
This is not a good time for family problems. All the narco guys are at a HIDTA conference. I got no backup. I'm still learning the ropes here.

Captain Jim Brass:
Well, it's never a good time to have a family problem, Sheriff. Look, I don't ask for time off normally, I'd appreciate the courtesy.

Sheriff Burdick:
Do I have a choice here, Jim? Get back here as soon as you can.

Captain Jim Brass:
L.A. seems to agree with you.

Captain Annie Kramer:
Oh, yeah, well, I couldn't take another Jersey winter. Or another Jersey cop.

Captain Jim Brass:
You stay in touch with the old crew?

Captain Annie Kramer:
You know, dirty cops don't like to hang with clean ones.

Captain Jim Brass:
So that's why they called me squeaky?

Captain Annie Kramer:
I thought what you did took a lot of guts. Integrity is hard to come by in vice.

Captain Jim Brass:
Yeah, it's the only detail where you're told to drink, gamble and pick up hookers, all the while carrying a gun.

Captain Annie Kramer:
Garden of Eden. Temptation kills you, or it compromises you.

Warrick Brown:
Hey, you know, uh, Jim, I'm here all weekend. If you need anything, don't hesitate to call... Remember, what happens in L.A., stays in L.A.

Captain Annie Kramer:
L.A. has over two hundred criminalists. You got to bring your own guy?

Captain Jim Brass:
Well, Rick is like a vampire. He needs to be invited in.

Captain Annie Kramer:
If this goes to court, Warrick's going to have to come back and testify.

Warrick Brown:
Well, you got beaches, bikinis, free trip to L.A.? I'm down.

Captain Jim Brass:
[answers the phone] Brass.

Sheriff Burdick:
Family business? That is a wedding or a funeral, or a bar mitzvah. That is not permission to become a vice cop in another jurisdiction! Get back here now.

Captain Jim Brass:
Who you've been talking to?

Sheriff Burdick:
Not that it matters. The police chief called me after Judge Peters called him. I hear they do a nice t-bone at Musso's.

Captain Jim Brass:
Look, my kid's in trouble, Ben.

Sheriff Burdick:
Well, if she's not dead, you get your ass back here.

Captain Jim Brass:
Look, write me up for insubordination. I can't come back now.

Ronnie:
[to Captain Kramer] You want me to admit to a murder I didn't commit, so you can reduce a drug charge? What, you're high, right? Y-y-you must be high.

Dr. Al Robbins:
[to phone] I thought you were asked to come home.

Captain Jim Brass:
[to phone] I'll be home tomorrow.

Dr. Al Robbins:
I hope she was worth it.

Captain Jim Brass:
What do you mean?

Dr. Al Robbins:
I don't know, I mean, you put your career on the line, I assume there's a woman involved.

Captain Jim Brass:
What are you, a detective now?

[Brass and Krammer enter Assistant City Attorney's house to search it]

Todd Piccone:
Hey, I just had the floors polished. Will you at least take your shoes off, please?

Captain Jim Brass:
I sleep in my shoes, Todd.

Nick Stokes:
[to phone] Did you get his autograph for me?

Captain Jim Brass:
[to phone] You know, actually I did, and if you get me a match, you might be able to meet him at his trial.

Nick Stokes:
Do you think that would make his autograph worth more? Or less?

Captain Jim Brass:
Yeah, not today. But look at you. You've turned yourself into a disposable human being. Don't you get it? You're nothing but plumbing.

Ellie Rebecca Brass:
What, you're going to send me to my room and ground me? Have a patrol car pick me up at prom? Or spank me?

Captain Jim Brass:
Okay. You're right. You're right. I messed up. But I'm just trying to do the best that I can. I wish you could say the same thing.

Nick Stokes:
How can anyone live like this?

Sara Sidle:
I think someone died like this.

Nick Stokes:
[after stepping on something messy on the floor] I think I've just become evidence!

Sara Sidle:
Take a left at the sewing machine and a right by the Mason Jars.

Greg Sanders:
[looking around] Which sewing machine?

Sara Sidle:
Just follow the North Star! [Shines her torch on the ceiling]

Sara Sidle:
Mrs Santiago, I need you to look at something

Mrs. Marta Santiago:
If I do, will you leave?

Sara Sidle:
I can't promise that.

Director:
Excuse me, hi, can you identify yourself for the camera, please? Just look right in the lens.

Gil Grissom:
What is this?

Director:
It's a reality crime show. We're following you for this investigation. Sheriff promised full cooperation.

Catherine Willows:
We got that memo. They're "Hard Crime".

Director:
That's us; we put the folks who look in the microscopes under the microscopes.

Catherine Willows:
Right. You see, it's good P.R. for the department. Try not to bust their chops, okay?

Director:
You ever see the show? It's got a lot of forensics.

Gil Grissom:
There's too many forensics shows on TV.

Richard McQueen:
She wouldn't let me touch her feet.

LVPD Capt. Jim Brass:
Yeah, we got a confession. He didn't choose women's feet. Women's feet chose him.

Gil Grissom:
There's too many forensics shows on TV.

Hard Crime Cameraman:
You were a CSI right?

Sophia Curtis:
Yeah.

Hard Crime Cameraman:
But now you're a detective, so which side of the fence do you prefer?

Sophia Curtis:
It's the same side.

Nick Stokes:
Two pieces of duct tape, both have been swabbed for DNA and fingerprinted.

[Hodges is looking around for someone]

Nick Stokes:
Grissom wants you to compare adhesives. He's looking for a match.

[Nick glances for whom Hodges is casting about]

Hodges:
Ok. That'll take a laser ablation test. That's good.

Nick Stokes:
Why's that good?

Hodges:
Well, laser ablation is both visual *and* dramatic.

Nick Stokes:
Are you looking for the video crew right now?

Hodges:
[scoffs] I would think they would be looking for *me*.

Nick Stokes:
Relax, man, their show is only an hour long; laser ablation takes, like, six.

Hodges:
Yeah, but when they cut it together, it'll only take 30 seconds.

[Nick smiles, amused, and leaves]

[30-second montage of laser ablation preparation and FX]

Hodges:
[to Grissom:] Ran laser ablation on the duct tape samples. Not a match.

Sara Sidle:
[walks in to see Hodges looking at the mirror and fixing his hair] Hey there, Gorgeous.

Greg Sanders:
Just remember that my saliva is getting on you and your saliva is getting on me.

Nick Stokes:
That's gross.

Sara Sidle:
I never said you weren't a good CSI.

Warrick Brown:
Well, he's a sneaky SOB I'll give him that.

Gil Grissom:
How are you, Jim? How's your *old* job?

Captain Jim Brass:
I can sling scum all day long. You?

Gil Grissom:
I curse more.

Gil Grissom:
[Grissom, Greg, and Sara investigate the death of two lovers] "For never was a story of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo."

Greg Sanders:
Found a condom wrapper.

Gil Grissom:
So much for safe sex.

[Sara looks disturbed]

Detective Vartann:
Homicide called you guys over an hour ago. 4-19 at the Tangiers. No one's responded. Not even the coroner... Both shifts are tapped.

Conrad Ecklie:
Did you check

Detective Vartann:
[interrupts] I checked the board. No one's available [pause] except for you.

Conrad Ecklie:
I'm the Assistant Lab Director.

Detective Vartann:
I know. But you're still qualified to process a scene, right?

Conrad Ecklie:
Yes, I am. [unwillingly] I'll dust off my kit. Meet you there.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Interesting fact about cyanide - not everyone can smell it.

Sara Sidle:
Right, it's a genetic quirk.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Unfortunately, I don't have that ability.

David Hodges:
[walks into the morgue] "The nose" has arrived.

Sara Sidle:
Hodges has the genetic quirk? [Robbins nods]

David Hodges:
It's a blessing and a curse.

[Catherine, Warrick and David work on a body on a crop circle]

Catherine Willows:
The only pathway is from the paramedics. How'd he end up in the middle of the circle?

[David looks up at the sky]

David Phillips:
I have an idea. [Warrick looks up] I'll keep it to myself. [Catherine smiles]

Nick Stokes:
[enters the room] Crop circles? [laughs] Come on, Super Dave. Wasn't the alien autopsy embarrassing enough?

David Phillips:
Given the circumstances, alien was not an unreasonable conclusion at the time.

Nick Stokes:
You need to get a girlfriend.

David Phillips:
I'm engaged, but thank you.

Conrad Ecklie:
I was just thinking, David, I've lost my keys, sunglasses, even a wallet.

David Phillips:
Sir, this really isn't my fault.

Conrad Ecklie:
But I've never lost a body.

David Phillips:
I didn't do anything.

Conrad Ecklie:
Find him, Phillips, or this goes on your record.

David Phillips:
What would you like me to do?

Conrad Ecklie:
Get out! Get out! Out!

Detective Vartann:
What are we expecting to find here?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Someone went to a lot of trouble to steal James Billmeyer, maybe there's a clue in his personal effects.

Detective Vartann:
So you're a CSI now?

Dr. Al Robbins:
If I were, I would have printed the cooler.

Detective Vartann:
Two pairs of socks, two pairs of underwear, two T-shirts. That tells me the guy was going to be staying in Vegas for two days.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Your powers of deduction are remarkable, detective.

Detective Vartann:
Thank you.

Gil Grissom:
And this must be Mr. Billmeyer. I'm so glad he's back.

Conrad Ecklie:
Very funny.

Gil Grissom:
You might want to have Hodges analyze that cigar. Oh, and the print tech is free. He could, ah, spray the party hat with ninhydrin.

Conrad Ecklie:
I think I remember how to do my job, Gil, thank you.

Gil Grissom:
I love it when you wear your gloves.

Neil Jansen:
[walks into the room] Am I interrupting?

David Hodges:
Actually, yeah. Conrad was about to pat me on the back.

Greg Sanders:
I found this toilet behind my apartment complex. It's volunteered for an experiment.

Sara Sidle:
It's moving.

Greg Sanders:
Ah, a sex journal. Lists of girls, dates and sexual activies.

Sara Sidle:
Boys and their conquests.

Greg Sanders:
I've never even heard of some of these.

Sara Sidle:
[Surprised] Really?

Greg Sanders:
Never mind.

Mia Dickerson:
So, I'm thinking that Trip put a trophy condom on his neighbors door and then transferred a trace of his reproductive material back onto his own doorknob.

Sara Sidle:
You've uh, you've heard of trophy condoms?

Mia Dickerson:
Sara, I went to college.

Catherine Willows:
I thought you said you were a dork in high school.

Warrick Brown:
I was a dork... I still am a dork. But I had dimples. I got a little action.

Catherine Willows:
I don't doubt that.

Greg Sanders:
Hey Grissom, when you went to college did you live in the dorms?

Gil Grissom:
Surely, you jest. [Sara laughs]

Sara Sidle:
You know they say a BA is worth a million dollars of extra income over your life.

Gil Grissom:
Yeah but the present value of college tuition is about the same amount.

Greg Sanders:
So you're saying college isn't worth the expense?

Gil Grissom:
I guess it depends on what you learn.

Mia Dickerson:
Hey. Want to talk about semen?

Sara Sidle:
Okay.

Sara Sidle:
[after a toilet explodes in a college dorm] Well, there's got to be some logical explanation.

Greg Sanders:
Well, if dorm food is as bad as I can remember, we should consider explosive diarrhea.

Sara Sidle:
I'll drive.

Greg Sanders:
You *always* do.

Dr. Raymond Langston:
I also need a laptop.

Shopkeeper:
Gates or Jobs?

Catherine Willows:
It's just such a lousy way to find out that you're my father.

Catherine Willows:
How long have we known each other?

Gil Grissom:
In weeks, months or years?

Catherine Willows:
Can you hear me?

Gil Grissom:
Nick, give me that apple.

Nick Stokes:
[looks at the apple he's been eating] But I didn't get any lunch...

Gil Grissom:
You're not supposed to be eating in here so give it.

[Grissom notices something in the desert and starts to walk away from a crime scene]

Captain Jim Brass:
Where's he going?

Catherine Willows:
Let's just hope he stops.

Catherine Willows:
Hey you.

Warrick Brown:
Hey.

Catherine Willows:
How... are you holding up?

Warrick Brown:
I'm fine.

Catherine Willows:
You sure?

Warrick Brown:
Yeah.

Catherine Willows:
You're in the women's bathroom.

Warrick Brown:
[laughs] Oh, God. I'm sorry.

Catherine Willows:
[laughs and puts her hands up] Hey. I'm all for it.

Sara Sidle:
You know what pisses me off?

Nick Stokes:
Lots of things.

David Hodges:
Hey, I heard about court today. Must have been embarrassing, huh?

Warrick Brown:
Hodges, why'd you leave L.A. again? Never mind, it's probably none of my business.

Gil Grissom:
If you need someone to talk to...

David Hodges:
Yeah. When's a good time?

Gil Grissom:
We have a psychologist here on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Gil Grissom:
I'm sorry, you look lost.

Sheriff Rory Atwater:
I've been calling your cell.

Gil Grissom:
We get bad reception here in CSI. Listen, if this is about dinner I'm free next week. I'll be having the fish.

Sara Sidle:
[to Grissom] Pin me down.

Lieutenant:
[into his radio] Dave, drop your donut! You're gonna be earning your pay today.

[Dr. Robbins has received a decomposed human head in the mail; Grissom walks into the morgue]

Gil Grissom:
I heard you got some head.

[Catherine is working at Grissom's desk in his office]

Warrick Brown:
Did I miss a memo or something?

[Catherine and Sara have just seized a carnival as evidence and Sara is grinning madly]

Catherine Willows:
[Annoyed] What?

Sara Sidle:
Well, this is fun.

Catherine Willows:
As opposed to...?

Sara Sidle:
A more scientific approach.

Dr. Susan Hillridge:
Mr. Grissom. You're looking grim. I'm afraid I don't have a supplement for that.

Greg Sanders:
I did meet a guy named "The Goat", who says he'll eat anything for a dollar.

Sara Sidle:
He have a pierced ear?

Greg Sanders:
Yeah.

Sara Sidle:
I had to get evidence OUT of him once.

Mandy Webster:
[Catherine, Hodges and Mandy are trying to lift a fingerprint off of a turtle] Just please hurry okay 'cause he's been traumatized enough already.

David Hodges:
He's a material witness in a homicide investigation.

Mandy Webster:
I meant traumatized by you.

Ryan Morton:
It's the truth - I swear to God - even if it never happened.

Greg Sanders:
Nobody throws away porn! They're like heirlooms passed down the family line!

Captain Jim Brass:
Where's Karl?

Janice Cooper:
Go to hell.

Red Cooper:
So tell me, where did I go wrong?

Gil Grissom:
You killed two people.

[first lines]

Laura Tessler:
This is the scene in Seven Hills, where casino mogul Bruce Eiger has been found dead on the grounds of his palatial estate. Eiger turned sixty earlier this year, throwing himself a half a million dollar birthday party at his newly renovated Queen Regent Casino. Cause of death remains unknown, but as Eiger himself famously joked, "In Vegas, if nobody wants you dead, you're not working hard enough." Reporting live from Seven Hills, I'm Laura Tessler.

Madge:
Some guys can never love any woman but their mother... and some never had a mother who loved them.

Gil Grissom:
Question. You come home, see your husband lying in the driveway, what do you do?

Greg Sanders:
...Is that a trick question?

Captain Jim Brass:
Welcome to the party.

Catherine Willows:
[to Grissom & Ecklie] What's going on? This is my scene.

Conrad Ecklie:
High profile case - woke up the supervisors. All hands on deck, Cath. Grissom's lead on this, he's the senior supervisor... I'm an administrator, I run interference for you guys. Starting with the press.

Gil Grissom:
It's nothing personal, Catherine. Cases like these rain down hard, you need all the help you can get.

Catherine Willows:
I need help. Not supervision.

Donna Eiger:
I don't get what the mystery is here, he was murdered. Some guys collect art, Bruce collected enemies.

Catherine Willows:
The only clue is no clue.

Dr. Al Robbins:
From everything I've heard, this guy was a considerable ass.

Sy Magli:
I hear they're using all the backhoes in hell to dig him a new pit.

Captain Jim Brass:
We're, uh, focusing on his life here on earth.

Sy Magli:
Bruce didn't have any friends, so he had to invite his enemies, a real "Who's Who" of Las Vegas.

Gil Grissom:
Count Basie said that it's the notes you don't hear that matter.

Gil Grissom:
I've enjoyed working with you.

Catherine Willows:
Which part? The part where I got in your face or the part where I, uh, lost evidence, or, uh, maybe you just missed me?

Gil Grissom:
I did miss you. I missed your passion and your tenacity. I even missed your tush.

Gil Grissom:
It's only the truly powerful that have the luxury to relinquish power.

[last lines]

Gil Grissom:
Where would you go if you had the connections and the cash to go anywhere you wanted?

Captain Jim Brass:
I hear Fiji's nice.

Gil Grissom:
Eiger went further. He went all the way back to his childhood.

Captain Jim Brass:
Yeah. I think I'd take Fiji.

Gil Grissom:
Well, howdy! I was wondering: Do you carry adult diapers?

Madge:
Oh, we sure do! What are you: About a 34 or a 36?

Gil Grissom:
Well... they're not for me.

Madge:
[she looks at Nick Stokes and smiles] Well, aren't you lucky to have such a nice daddy?

Sofia Curtis:
How long does a woman lactate after giving birth?

Sara Sidle:
I had a professor in college, her 6-year-old would come in every day for lunch. I guess they go for as long as you let them.

Sofia Curtis:
What, the b*obs or the kids? It's like you're a... two-legged topless buffet.

[shudders]

[after Grissom refused to take dinner for the whole crew from a victim while the investigation was still running]

Greg Sanders:
Tuna - and the homeless are dining on shrimp salad...

Gil Grissom:
[after finding Hodges coloring his grey hair with a sharpie marker] Vainity, thy name is Hodges.

Hodges:
This isn't what it looks like. I actually like my grey hair, the few that I have.

Sara Sidle:
Hodges, don't you know that grey hair can be very attractive. [Grissom looks at her]

[about a yellow diamond ring that Lois O'Neill wore the night her waiter was shot]

Catherine Willows:
How apropos that she's named names: the Canary Diamond.

Sara Sidle:
Wanna bet the birdie sings in the key of GSR?

FBI Pilot:
Special agent Ryan. I had an up and back to St. Thomas until the deputy director called and ordered me a detour to Vegas. With all due respect ma'am, we aren't running a taxi service here. So why not let's save Uncle Sam a couple of bucks and fly commercial.

Avery Ryan:
Captain, I am going to tell you three things about yourself, none of which you are going to like. Number one: there is no such thing as an up and back to the Virgin Islands. You go there, you staying there the night. And if you are returning there it's not for misses Captain. Number two: you and I both know...

FBI Pilot:
Okay, wheels up, we are getting agent Ryan to Vegas

Avery Ryan:
This Brass is good. And he is asking all the right questions, just not my question. Do you mind if we change dealers?

D.B. Russell:
I'd figured I'd you find you out here. He, you saved all those men's lives today. Unfortunately the evidence hasn't fared so well, we lost the DNA, prints. All the hardware was incinerated.

D.B. Russell:
[No reaction from Avery, so DB continues while mimicking Avery's voice] Oh, is that right, D.B.?

D.B. Russell:
Well, yes, Avery it is.

D.B. Russell:
So, this is goodbye I guess

Avery Ryan:
For now

D.B. Russell:
Where you're off to?

Avery Ryan:
Bank robbery, Pittsburgh

D.B. Russell:
How much?

Avery Ryan:
3 cents

D.B. Russell:
Oh, give me a break! Talk to me. How much?

Avery Ryan:
Three copper pennies from 80 million checking accounts! 2.4 million a week makes for one hell of a heist. Check your bank statements.

D.B. Russell:
No kidding! And they say there is no such thing as the perfect crime!

Avery Ryan:
It's not the perfect crime. It's cybercrime!

Henry Andrews:
So, we're looking for an obsessive, meticulous, dark assed misanthrope who seeks recognition for his efforts.

[Wendy and Henry both look towards Hodges who is sorting his chips and carrots in three neat piles]

Hodges:
[without looking up] When would I find the time? I'm always here.

Wendy Simms:
Well, we're working under the assumption that the killer was a foster kid, right? With probably an abusive childhood, so, a bloody baby doll. I mean, it's really not much of a stretch to say the doll represents the killer.

Hodges:
Grissom had something on that.

[opens case file]

Hodges:
"Freud's theory on the uncanny raises the point that as children we want the doll to come to life. But as adults, we are terrified by the idea. The doll could represent the uncanny that is feared. The Sandman."

Wendy Simms:
Right, or exactly what I just said.

Henry Andrews:
Can I have a chip?

Hodges:
[quickly] No.

Gil Grissom:
Can you smell that?

Dr. Al Robbins:
Yes.

Gil Grissom:
You shouldn't be able to smell that though your suit.

Dr. Al Robbins:
Good to know.

Hodges:
This is exactly why I didn't invite you to join us: you take over everything.

Wendy Simms:
I ...

Hodges:
[cutting her off] Grissom asked me to gather some techs to review the miniature cases, like a think-tank.

Wendy Simms:
Yeah, I know they told me. So... kudos to you.

Hodges:
I hand selected them with careful consideration to group dynamics.

Wendy Simms:
Well, I can see that. I mean it's you and your backup singers. You're Davy Hodges and the Lemmings.

[with fake enthusiasm]

Wendy Simms:
You should take your act out on the road.

Henry Andrews:
[off screen] We can hear you.

Wendy Simms:
Look, the only reason you don't like me is because I actually stand up to you, which by the way is exactly what you need. I mean, come on, you know I'd be good at all this miniature stuff.

Hodges:
That's not the only reason.

Wendy Simms:
Really? Okay, what is it?

Hodges:
You think you're too cool.

Wendy Simms:
Oh my God, what are we, twelve?

Hodges:
I don't know, are we?

Wendy Simms:
[steps toward him] I don't know, are we?

Wendy Simms:
Look, the only reason you don't like me is because I actually stand up to you, which by the way is exactly what you need. I mean, come on, you know I'd be good at all this miniature stuff.

Hodges:
That's not the only reason.

Wendy Simms:
Really? Okay, what is it?

Hodges:
You think you're too cool.

Wendy Simms:
Oh my God, what are we, twelve?