The Venture Bros.

Baron ?nderbheit:
Catclops! What have you to report?

Catclops:
Tourism has skyrocketed at the Well of Bitter Sorrows and the ?nderbheit Birth Crevasse since you enacted the mandatory attendance edict.

Baron ?nderbheit:
Told you. Girl Hitler?

Girl Hitler:
Benzene chewables have doubled production in ze child slave mines. Dilly-dallying saw a brief spike, but ve stabilized it by removing ze feet of the alpha males, UND DE POPULAR GIRLS!

Baron ?nderbheit:
Good! Good!

[Baron ?nderbheit offers a "parting gift" to his traitorous minions]

Catclops:
Tiger balm. I don't get it.

Girl Hitler:
Oh, maybe he's saying he's sore at us, and so he's giving us balm to soothe.

Catclops:
That's retarded. Sir, what exactl...?

[Baron ?nderbheit is nowhere to be seen. ]

Catclops:
Where'd he go? I knew it, I knew it! He's gonna kill us, isn't he?

[Tigers emerge from the walls and attack the minions]

Catclops:
Aw, crap!

Manservant:
[outside in the hall] Shall I have the maintenance crew clean the room, my master?

Baron ?nderbheit:
No, not yet, Manservant.

[the Baron presses a remote control, activating a device strapped to the tigers]

Girl Hitler:
Ohhhh. Tiger *bomb!*

Pirate Captain:
Sit on my lap, son. It's story time

Dean Venture:
I don't want to sit in your lap!

Pirate Captain:
Fine! Don't!

Dr. Venture:
Oh, you don't know when to stop with all this, do you? You just keep pushing my buttons!

The Monarch:
You're my arch-enemy! That's what I do! That's my thing!

[opening a bathroom door, hovering above the ground, with dramatic music playing]

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Do not be too hasty in entering that room. I had Taco Bell for lunch!

Henchman 21:
Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.

Henchman 24:
Allegedly.

Henchman 21:
Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.

Henchman 24:
Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.

The Monarch:
Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden. We never should have brought the henchmen. We're going to be the only ones there with henchmen!

Brock Samson:
You did this! You did this, didn't you? RRRAH!

Baron ?nderbheit:
As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You have succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.

Dean Venture:
Good thinking, bro'a'mine. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one

Hank Venture:
Ma Venture didn't raise no fools

Dean Venture:
W-We don't have a mom, Hank...

[awkward silence]

The Monarch:
I wanted to thank you for finding Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine for me. I'll give him your regards.

[the Monarch has Brock Sampson right where he wants him]

The Monarch:
Release the butterflies.

[Dead butterflies fall on Brock]

The Monarch:
Okay, whose job was it to feed the butterflies?

[Brock Samson has torn off an animated statue's arm and is now beating him with it]

Hank Venture:
Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!

Brock Samson:
After the twist, you'll feel a snap and the body goes ragdoll on you.

Hank Venture:
And that will knock him out... even more?

Brock Samson:
That will kill him.

Hank Venture:
Do I have to?

Brock Samson:
Alright, fine crybaby. Tie him up and, I guess, gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve - that's a gift for me?

The Monarch:
Well, I got you some stocking-stuffers too...

Dr. Venture:
Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip!

Dean Venture:
Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!

Hank Venture:
Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?

Dr. Venture:
Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

Brock Samson:
Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr. Venture? Why haven't you tried the World Domination thing, you afraid of the big leagues?

The Monarch:
Please. How stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts or the Republicans, thank you.

Brock Samson:
Now, Hank, touch your throat. That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as your handle. That thing your thumb is on is your carotid artery. Think of it as your button. I want you to grab the handle, push the button. Can you repeat that, Hank?

Hank Venture:
[gasping] Grab the handle, push the button.

Brock Samson:
Let go of your own throat, Hank.

The Monarch:
What? Think this is gay huh? Is that what you f***ing said you scrawny peice of sh*t? Oh this isn't gay. But King Gorilla over there is! And I bet he can't wait to snap off a peice of your dick in his ass! [points to Dean] You! Get up! I said get the f*** up! What's your name?

Dean Venture:
Dean Ven...

The Monarch:
[shouts] Your name is b*tch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigerette? [King Gorilla hands him one] There! I just sold you for a cigarette! And I don't smoke! [realizes who Dean is] Holy sh*t! You're Dean-F***ing-Venture! King, I've gotta buy my b*tch back. Here's your cigarette.

King Gorilla:
F*** you. Gimme a dollar!

Dr. Venture:
Dean, you smell like a whore

Redneck #1:
Hey boy... why don't you git a haircut?

Redneck #2:
You hear my boy? Are you deaf, or are you just a f*ggot?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
May I suggest that you two gentlemen take your local color elsewhere? You're drawing undesirable attention to my presence.

Redneck #2:
What are you gonna do about it?

Redneck #1:
You're wearin' panty hose!

Redneck #2:
Whut?

Redneck #1:
He is... 'cause he's a gay boy!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[dramatic music starts] Consider this your final warning! You do not know the risk you are taking! A whisper from my lips will open your mind to a world of ARCANE TORTURES!

Redneck #2:
[momentary silence] F*ggot!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[casts a spell] RRRAAAHHHHHH!

[repeated line]

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
GO TEAM VENTURE!

Dr. Venture:
Oh, Orpheus! Ah, I wasn't expecting you to show up. Didn't think necromancers believed in Christmas.

Dr. Orpheus:
Well, the whole affair is about as real as Kwanzaa, or, uh... the Wookie's Life Day... But I find it charming!

[ A horrifying creature has burst in to the house:
]

Dr. Venture:
What the hell is that thing?

Dr. Orpheus:
I'm afraid we're being visited upon by the Krampus, the punitive spirit who once rode side by side with Saint Nicholas each Christmas Eve, delivering terrible punishment to wicked children as Claus bestowed his gifts upon the righteous.

Dr. Venture:
That's ridiculous! There's no such thing as Santa Claus.

Dr. Orpheus:
Not since he was killed by a jet in 1963, no. Nor has there been a Krampus since the Pope cast him into purgatory during Vatican II. But your boys seem to have inadvertently released him from his chains.

Hank Venture:
Dean did it! I wanted to read The Grinch!

[ Dean makes a muffled protest. ]

Triana Orpheus:
[ uneasily, as the Krampus licks her ] Um, dad...

Dr. Venture:
What kind of kinky Christmas spirit is that?

Dr. Orpheus:
It is Germanic in origin...

Dr. Venture:
Well can't you just - I don't know - magic it away or something?

Dr. Orpheus:
No more than you could *science* it away. No. The beast will not stop until it has punished the wicked in this house!

Dr. Venture:
Well, there's no one wicked he...

[ The Krampus abruptly seizes Dr. Venture and starts waling on him. ]

Triana Orpheus:
Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
I'm sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It's just that... MY PUMPKIN'S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE...

Triana Orpheus:
DAD!

The Monarch:
I don't think I'm the one in danger here... considering the sad fact that right below you flows the MIGHTY AMAZON - teeming with the most GRUESOME fish to ever...

Hank Venture:
[interrupting] The piranha!

The Monarch:
No.

Hank Venture:
The shark?

The Monarch:
No!

Hank Venture:
...The piranha!

The Monarch:
NO! And shut up! This isn't a quiz. Now where was I... right! The dreaded Candiru, a naughty little fish with a penchant for swimming up a man's urethra, to feed on the damaged tissue of the pitiful mass of flesh you once called your PENIS!

Dr. Venture:
Were you roughhousing with your brother?

Dean Venture:
[in pain] No!

Dr. Venture:
Oh dear god... You two haven't been... experimenting with inappropriate touching...

Dean Venture:
No! Gross!

Dr. Venture:
He's been pulling that "Boy Genius" crap for at least the 20 years that I've known him.

Master Billy Quizboy:
Well, nobody is that impressed with "Master Billy Quizboy ADULT Genius."

Dr. Venture:
Like a speech impediment and growth hormone deficiency qualifies you as a "BOY Genius."

Hank Venture:
I had to sleep in my clothes. Now I feel gross wearing them two days in a row!

The Monarch:
You're kidding me, right? That's the only outfit I've ever seen you in!

Hank Venture:
Well, that doesn't mean I never wash it.

The Monarch:
Fair enough. Number 27, get the kid a change of clothes! [looks at Brock]

The Monarch:
How about you? You ok?

Brock Samson:
I didn't sleep in my clothes.

The Monarch:
27, burn his sheets!

Brock Samson:
You scream, I'll break your neck, you understand me?

Dr. Girlfriend:
You're going to take advantage of me, aren't you?... Well, be quick with it!

Brock Samson:
To be honest with you, I never really considered that.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Why not?

Brock Samson:
Just didn't.

Dr. Girlfriend:
[upset] Well, I'm not gonna beg.

Brock Samson:
Why haven't you tried the world domination thing? You scared of the big leagues?

The Monarch:
Please, how stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts and the Republicans, thank you.

Henchman 24:
Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.

Henchman 21:
Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!

Henchman 24:
Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.

Henchman 21:
Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a f***ing beard! They're mammals!

Brock Samson:
Special Agent-in-Training Brock Samson reporting for duty.

Hunter Gathers:
Don't you salute me, you bastard! Leave that Little John-John crap back in Biloxi.

Brock Samson:
Yes sir!

Hunter Gathers:
And don't sir me, damn you! You're not in the Marines anymore. This is intelligence. Start using it!

Molotov Cocktease:
Say the word and he's dead. We could be in Monaco by midnight.

Dr. Venture:
Well, let's say we get you settled in. Shall I make up the fold-out couch in my dad's old study for you, or, ahh, would you be more comfortable in the master suite?

Molotov Cocktease:
Get something straight, I am here only as a favor to that man whose feet you aren't even fit to kiss. I am not protecting your lives, I am saving his. Because by the time he gets back, you will no longer need a baby sitter. I'm going to turn you into men.

Dr. Venture:
[to Molotov] Well, after that rigamarole I could use a night cap. Care to join me? I've been squirreling away a bottle of cooking sherry for a special occasion but, haha, heck this is cause enough to celebra... [Molotov walks off]

Dr. Venture:
Some other time, then.

Dr. Orpheus:
No no, it sounds delightful. I'll get the glasses.

Brock Samson:
[about sparing people] No women, no children?

Hunter Gathers:
No women, no children. Them's rules. Separates us from the baddies.

Brock Samson:
But what if she's an enemy agent?

Hunter Gathers:
Uh-uh.

Brock Samson:
An assassin?

Hunter Gathers:
No.

Brock Samson:
A double-agent assassin who just killed the President.

Hunter Gathers:
No sir. Non-lethal takedown only. President's not the president anyway, you know that.

Brock Samson:
Oh. Hey, how about, you know, uh... a lady Dracula?

Hunter Gathers:
You mean, le vampyr? Nosferatu?

Brock Samson:
Guess.

Hunter Gathers:
Undead. Not technically a woman in that regard, so you got no beef there. Also, fictitious.

Dr. Venture:
The whole Russian mail-order-bride deal on the Internet, is that on the up and up?

Molotov Cocktease:
I wouldn't know.

Dr. Venture:
Because those Chinese ones are a real racket. The damn thing was already dead when the crate finally showed up!

Brock Samson:
Where's Hank?

Dr. Venture:
Up in his room. Our little man is grounded.

Brock Samson:
What'd he do?

Dr. Venture:
Get this, I'm working in the lab, right? And Hank sleepwalks in, hauls off and smacks me in the head with a papier-mache sword, pees his pants and passes out.

Brock Samson:
So, I didn't miss much?

Dr. Venture:
Pfft. What's there to miss?

Hank Venture:
Dean, Dean, sometimes I forget you're younger than me.

Dean Venture:
By a lousy four minutes!

Hank Venture:
Well then maybe in four minutes you'll understand!

Hank Venture:
Are you okay? Dr. O said you're probably insane now and that you'll never be the same.

Dr. Venture:
Are you kidding? Okay, I'm just turning 16 and having a birthday pool party. My father invites every girl he knows, and I'm not talking about girls my age. No, not Jonas. He invites Playboy Bunnies and models and, I think, actual whores - you know, real prostitutes. So there I am in my giant bathing suit with nervous puberty oozing out of my gigantic pores. Just, just awful. So, the band suddenly stops playing and I hear "And now the man of the hour, Rusty Venture!" All eyes on me, right? Then suddenly, almost predictably, the Action Man shoots my groin with a shrink ray right as that f***ing jackass Colonel Gentleman pulls my shorts down.

Hank Venture:
Wow. That's like a nightmare.

Dr. Venture:
Oh, no! No! What I went through today was "like a nightmare." What happened when I was 16, that is my life!

Hank Venture:
[runs up and hugs Brock, who is in a S.P.H.I.N.X. uniform] Why are you here? Why are you wearing that? Why didn't you say goodbye to me? Why didn't you...

Brock Samson:
Hank, Hank! Listen, buddy. You have to trust me. You can't tell anybody we were here, this is our little secret.

Hank Venture:
Why did you leave me?

Brock Samson:
Hank, I'll never leave you. But right now these guys need me a little more. You can share me, Hank, can't you? I mean, look how big you've gotten! I can barely get my hands around these shoulders!

Sergeant Hatred:
[Offscreen, coming up the hill] Hank! Hank!

Hank Venture:
I'm over here! It's okay, I'm with- [Turns to find Brock gone]

Sergeant Hatred:
[Picks up the knife Brock used to kill the Hitler dog] Hank, did you kill Hitler?

Hank Venture:
No, it was... it was an angel.

Col. Bud Manstrong:
[Touring the Gargantua-1 space station] When it gets cold like this, I always remember back when I was a paperboy on this station. I musta been about your age - and on a night just like this, one of the crew just suddenly... cracked.

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
Cool!

Col. Bud Manstrong:
He gathered everyone in the hangar for what he called "movie night." And under the flickering light of Burt Reynolds' "Sharky's Machine," he OPENED the bay doors! Almost the whole crew was there! "Sharky's Machine!" Yup. They say his phantom spirit still roams these corridors.

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
Phantom Spaceman!

Hank Venture:
Wuss!

Dean Venture:
Knock it off!

Hank Venture:
Wuss!

Dean Venture:
Knock it off!

Dr. Venture:
Boys! for the last time, stop! Brock is trying to drive.

Brock Samson:
[to boys] I'm cool.

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
[at each other] He started it!

Dr. Venture:
No, *I* started it years ago in a moment of passion, and I'll end it the same way, right here, in front of Brock, H.E.L.P.eR., and God!

Col. Bud Manstrong:
[as Lt. Baldavitch passes in the hall] So, how was he?

Lt. Anna Baldavitch:
How was who?

Col. Bud Manstrong:
[Irritated] Aw, c'mon. I shook his hand; it's all fat and stubby. [Motioning his hands near his groin] He must have a large mushroom down there! So... does he have a Smurf living in it or what?

Lt. Anna Baldavitch:
You have no right to be jealous! I gave you every chance in the world.

Col. Bud Manstrong:
I'm not jealous, I'm pissed! We said we would wait...

Lt. Anna Baldavitch:
[Interrupting] No! You said we would wait... and... I don't have to take this!

Col. Bud Manstrong:
[as an irritated Lt. Baldavitch walks away] But... you already took it... in the lap... from... not me!

Hank Venture:
What happened? I thought I picked rock.

Dean Venture:
So did I!

Dr. Venture:
And I picked two beautiful kidneys! I feel freakin' amazing!

Dr. Venture:
So you see, by applying the basic principles of the scientific method to the matter, we learn very quickly that the myth of the chupacabra is just that - utter crap. Now, if you apply the same principles to Catholicism, an interesting thing occurs...

The Monarch:
But see, that's what I'm talking about. Now Venture'll send Samson after the rest of us, and he'll go sickhouse on our asses. I LIKE my ass, gentlemen.

Brock Samson:
You get the boys... I'll take care of these guys.

Dr. Venture:
Are you sure? There's an awful lot of...

Brock Samson:
[interrupting, speaking slowly] They hit me with a truck.

Dr. Venture:
Okaaayyy...

Dr. Venture:
[after being attacked by a green creature in Brock's car] What the hell was that?

Brock Samson:
Chupacabra. They're all over Mexico.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[after examining Dr. Venture's latest invention] What the hell is this thing made out of?

Dr. Venture:
[suspiciously] Nothing.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Come on...

Dr. Venture:
All right, fine, I might have used a few unorthodox parts.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Just tell me one.

Dr. Venture:
[mumbling] An... orphan.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
A what?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[clearing his throat] An orphan?

Dr. Venture:
Did you say... an ORPHAN?

Dr. Venture:
[weakly] Yeah, a little orphan boy.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
It's powered by a forsaken child?

Dr. Venture:
[defensive] Might be, kind of - I mean I didn't use the whole thing!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Orpheus! I am known to men as Dr. Orpheus! And mine is to perceive and control the delicate arrangement of the cosmos!

Dr. Venture:
They give out Ph.Ds for that?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[in a lowered voice] Junior college upstate, communication major, minor in women's studies. But I assure you, sir, the doctor title was bestowed upon me by a higher power than a mere college professor!

Molotov Cocktease:
Brock Samson, you dog.

Brock Samson:
Molotov, you b*tch.

Dr. Venture:
Dean, what are you doing in there? I need to take a shower.

Dean Venture:
I'm practicing being a boyfriend, Pop!

Dr. Venture:
Never mind, Dean.

Hank Venture:
Dude! She totally digs you!

Dean Venture:
You think?

Hank Venture:
No.

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
GO TEAM VENTURE!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Yes, go Team Venture!

Dr. Venture:
Oh for God's sake, don't encourage them.

Triana Orpheus:
Hey, how come I never see you in school?

Dean Venture:
I'm tutored by a box my pop made. It gets so hot... in the box my pop made...

Triana Orpheus:
That's kinda screwy.

Dean Venture:
Hank and I just woke up on the floor. We were playing Ouija and a guy hypnotized us.

Dr. Venture:
Dean?

Dean Venture:
With his magical Dracula powers.

Dr. Venture:
Dean I'm going to turn around now and you'd better be on fire. You're standing there in flames and the only person who can put you out is me! Because that is the only conceivable reason that you would wake me up like this!

Hank Venture:
[Attempting to wake up Brock in his room by shaking his arm] G'mornin', Brock...

Brock Samson:
[Wakes with an involuntary choke hold on Hank, sees that it's Hank and drops him] Hank... you alright?

Hank Venture:
[recuperating on the floor] I think I will be.

Brock Samson:
[regains his stoic posture] Hank, ya gotta quit sneakin' up on me like that.

Brock Samson:
I gotta admit I always wanted to get Edgar Allan Poe in a headlock. That thing is like a pumpkin!

Osiris Cult Henchman 1:
[Henchman 2 throws his gun at Brock as he gets away] We have more bullets, you know. You gotta stop doin' that.

Osiris Cult Henchman 2:
Yeah, I know. I just thought it would be cool.

Osiris Cult Henchman 1:
Well... go get it!

Brock Samson:
Hank, you and Caligula keep up the rear... On second thought, you and Freud should do it. Caligula, you take the second wave alone.

Dr. Venture:
Hank! Get off those spikes! It's not a ride!

Executioner:
Give me the Hand of Osiris!

Dr. Venture:
Give me head.

Executioner:
You didn't just say that.

Dr. Venture:
I absolutely did, what are you gonna do about it?

Executioner:
I'm about to kill your sons.

Dr. Venture:
Join the club.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Okay, Curse. Now was it Curse or Chris?

Curse:
Curse! We can use magic, right? That's... kind of my bag.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[all talking at once] Of course!

The Alchemist:
Absolutely! Magic is a plus.

Jefferson Twilight:
Oh, yeah, Curse, bring it on.

Jefferson Twilight:
On three, we give him the old Rochambeau!

The Alchemist:
Rock-paper-scissors?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
What does a general from the American Revolution have to do with this?

Jefferson Twilight:
American revolution? Rochambeau sound... sounds French to me.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Well yes, the Franco-American forces.

Jefferson Twilight:
They fought with Spaghetti-o's and meatballs?

The Alchemist:
Why would a company called Franco-American make Italian food?

Triana Orpheus:
[coming into the bathroom] Oh, Hank, what's *wrong* with you?

Dean Venture:
Right? It smells like a Bible story in here.

Hank Venture:
Oh, no! We just killed your girlfriend!

Dean Venture:
She's my girlfriend?

Hank Venture:
Probably. Before we killed her.

Jefferson Twilight:
Yes, I only hunt blaculas.

Guild Candidate:
Oh, so you only hunt African-American vampires?

Jefferson Twilight:
No, sometimes I hunt British vampires. They don't have "African Americans" in England!

Guild Candidate:
Oh yeah, huh, good point.

Jefferson Twilight:
So I hunt blaculas.

Guild Candidate:
I was just trying to be...

Jefferson Twilight:
Man, I specialize in hunting black vampires, I don't know what the P.C. name for that is!

Ghost Pirate 1:
We need that key that starts your boat Mr. Big Stuff, let's have it?

Brock Samson:
It's up my ass.

Ghost Pirate 2:
Are you serious?

Brock Samson:
Why don't you check?

Ghost Pirate 2:
Well, check.

Ghost Pirate 1:
What if he's lying?

Ghost Pirate 2:
If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Pirate 1:
[to Brock who is chained up] We need that key that starts your boat Mr Big Stuff, let's have it.

Brock Samson:
It's up my ass.

Pirate 2:
Are you serious?

Brock Samson:
Why don't you check?

Pirate 2:
[to Pirate 1] Well. Check.

Pirate 1:
[to Pirate 2] What if he's lying?

Pirate 2:
[to Pirate 1] If he were telling the truth, that would be better?

Brock Samson:
Whatever you do, Hank, don't light a cigarette. A good sniper can see a hot cherry for miles.

Hank Venture:
Brock, I don't smoke.

Brock Samson:
Good. Now's a lousy time to start.

Pirate Captain:
You're not very good liar are you Dean?

Dean Venture:
Maybe.

Ghost Pirate 1:
[Watching Brock beat up the fake Ghost Pirate] Oh my God, he's gettin' his ass kicked! We gotta save him!

Ghost Pirate 2:
Are you kiddin'? My sword's made of cardboard.

Pirate Captain:
Enough!

Pirate Captain:
[Everyone stops fighting] Get off that man before he kills the hole lot'o'ye.

Pirate Captain:
[Holding Dean as a shield at gunpoint] I don't think he wants to see what his child is made of. [Overcorrecting himself] I mean, what he's really made of, not like a test of his mettle...

Brock Samson:
[Interrupting] We heard you the first time...

Pirate Captain:
[Interrupting] Silence! Your insolence will not be tolerated... again. [Motioning to the fake Ghost Pirate lying motionless on the deck] Hey, is that guy dead?

Brock Samson:
Yeah, probably.

Pirate Captain:
[Irritated] Oh, c'mon! Was that necessary? Really?

Dean Venture:
Your plan was almost flawless, only, that's no ghost...

Pirate Captain:
[Sarcastically] Oh, ya' think, genius. What was it that tipped ya' off, brainiac? Was it the rubber mask; maybe the huge zipper? [to Brock] But you had to go and kill 'im anyway. If you'd a played by the rules, the Ghost Pirate rules, none of this would have happened! But, no, you had to go and kill a guy.

Brock Samson:
After the twist, you'll hear a snap. Then the body goes ragdoll on ya.

Hank Venture:
And that will knock him out... even more?

Brock Samson:
That'll kill him.

Hank Venture:
Do I have to?

Brock Samson:
Alright fine, crybaby. Just tie him up and, maybe I guess gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees

Dean Venture, Hank Venture:
GO TEAM VENTURE!

Brock Samson:
...I dunno, they just do that.

Abraham Lincoln:
Microchip! Microchip! Infused to the back of Colonel Manstrong's neck. His mother is using it to control him and he's going to assassinate the president!

Dean Venture:
I don't know, that sounds kinda far fetched.

Hank Venture:
[to Dean] Thanks. I'm glad you said it first.

Abraham Lincoln:
[stops raving frantically after hearing Hank] Far fetched? Didn't either of you see the 'Manchurian Candidate'? Not even the remake with Denzel? I've been dead for seven score years and even I...

Hank Venture:
[Quietly, to Dean] Who is this guy again?

Abraham Lincoln:
[Interrupting loudly and irritated] ABRAHAM LINCOLN! 16th President of the United States? C'mon you're kidding me!

Dean Venture:
[to Hank] Yeah, haven't you learned anything in bed?

Abraham Lincoln:
[Irritated and rubbing his temples] Alright, how about this: I'm the five-dollar bill guy...

Hank Venture:
[Excitedly] You invented the five-dollar bill?

Abraham Lincoln:
[Sarcastically agreeing] That's right, Hank. Yes I did. [burying his face in his hand as to appear he's given up on Hank; looks to Dean] Dean, you seem to have a bit more on the ball here. Would you mind being able to help me? For the Union?

[first lines]

[Dr Venture has Hank and Dean covered in mechanical caterpillars]

The Monarch:
[laughs evilly] Time to pay the piper, Venture. Or in minutes my meca-pillar silky issue will destroy the only living proof you've actually had sex. That is, unless you give me $10 million!

Dr. Venture:
What? Since when do you arch for money?

Dr. Girlfriend:
Yeah, what are you doing?

The Monarch:
Honey, how long have we been trying to kill this schmuck? 10, 20 years?

Dr. Girlfriend:
I don't know, since Marky Mark had a Funky Bunch!

The Monarch:
And it never works. You wanna know how to really hurt Venture?

Dr. Girlfriend:
Not really, but as a wife I try to be supportive, so...

The Monarch:
We strike him in the pocket book!

Dr. Venture:
Look I don't have that type of cash lying around.

Dean Venture:
Daddy! [Mecha-pillar gags him]

Dr. Venture:
All right, you can have anything in my lab. Anything you see here, take your pick. Anything except for the positronic accelerator...

The Monarch:
I don't want any of your old crap! This isn't "Antiques Roadshow," dick. It's your money or their lives!

Hank Venture:
Yeah, quit being such a skin-flint and pay the piper-man!

Dr. Venture:
[on Dean] Do you know what Mr. Smart-mouth called me as he stormed out this morning? A honky!

Dr. Venture:
Sh*t! It's Chuck Scarsdale! Hide or we're gonna be on the news!

The Monarch:
Henchman 21, there's a taxi idling in the driveway awaiting his fare... slay him!

The Monarch:
Hot damn we're good at this villain crap. Why do we even waste our time chasing Dr. Venture around?

Dr. Girlfriend:
I'm not gonna validate that with an answer.

Captain Sunshine:
You may be invulnerable, Monarch, but no one is invulnerable to justice! I'm going to make you pay for what you did to Wonder Boy once and for all!

[last lines]

Hank Venture:
Hey um, do you think maybe you could put in a good word for Batman for me?

Captain Sunshine:
GET OUT OF MY SANCTUM SOLARIUM!

[the Monarch returns after being taken away by Captain Sunshine]

Dr. Girlfriend:
What did he do to you?

The Monarch:
The usual. He threw me in jail, literally. Threw me right into the yard at the state prison. Then he shouts up to the warden, "Looks like this one won't be causing any more trouble!" Then he flies off with a gay little salute.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Oh, my God.

The Monarch:
Apparently nobody ever told him what due process was.

Dr. Girlfriend:
What the hell did you do to Wonder Boy to get him so worked up?

The Monarch:
Uh... remember when we'd broken up, and I was drinking a lot? Well, I kinda slew him.

Hank Venture:
So, how come you have a car when you can just fly everywhere?

Captain Sunshine:
Because it also turns into a submarine.

Captain Sunshine:
Hank, how would you like to be my new Wonder Boy?

Hank Venture:
Whoa! You mean, like, be your partner and stuff?

Captain Sunshine:
And stuff!

Hank Venture:
Cool! Would there be any kind of, shall we say, compensation for the job?

Captain Sunshine:
How does food and board, free rides on the ferris wheel and 20 video game tokens a week sound?

Hank Venture:
Like a sweetheart deal! I get a whole costume, right?

Captain Sunshine:
Oh, boy, do you ever!

Captain Sunshine:
[on Hank] This one's perfect, Desmond, he's an orphan! I think he might even be homeless...

Captain Sunshine:
[beating up the Monarch] Got a thing for torturing young boys, don't you? Well, you're not fighting a boy now!

Captain Sunshine:
You like me, don't you, Hank? It is Hank, isn't it?

Hank Venture:
Yeah!

Captain Sunshine:
Good, good. You know, Hank, I think you and I are going to be super friends... [flies into a flock of birds, Hank cries out and hugs Captain Sunshine for protection]

Captain Sunshine:
Well, I think that's enough excitement for one day, youngster! Let's say we get you home!

Captain Sunshine:
God, you look just like him when you smile...

Hank Venture:
Who?

[Dr Venture meets the Monarch to hand over the ransom for his sons]

Sgt. Hatred:
Where's Hank?

Dr. Venture:
Yeah?

Dr. Girlfriend:
What, did he bring him back?

Dr. Venture:
Who?

Dr. Girlfriend:
Captain Sunsh...

The Monarch:
[shuts up his wife] Ah, we knew you'd pull something like this Venture, so we kept Hank as collateral! Hah!

Sgt. Hatred:
Foul! Guild ransom by-laws strictly stipulate you gotta return all adaptees if the ransom's been paid in good faith!

The Monarch:
How the hell do an ambush and a bag of dittos constitute good faith?

[Sgt Hatred throws up]

The Monarch:
What's the matter with him now?

Dr. Venture:
He's been scarfing pistachios in a hot spiderhole for two hours because SOMEBODY was late.

The Monarch:
Oh, excuse us for ruining your doublecross!... All right, do-over! Everybody back in the cocoon, we'll try it again tomorrow!

Dr. Venture:
Wait! The least you could do for making us wait around all day is let us keep Dean!

The Monarch:
No way!

Dr. Girlfriend:
Uh, you really want that kid hanging around...

The Monarch:
Yeah, yeah... All right, fine, you can keep Dean. Wait a minute! How'd I get screwed on this deal? I want an IOU!

[the second ransom collection takes place]

The Monarch:
What is this? I told you to come alone! [Dr Venture brought Dean with him]

Dr. Venture:
What? Oh stop it, it's Dean for God's sake!

The Monarch:
All right, look, I don't have Hank, okay?

Dr. Venture:
What, did you lose him? How do you lose a Hank? [Monarch spits in Dr Venture's eyes and knees him in the balls]

The Monarch:
The same way you just lost ten million dollars, genius! Henchmen, run!

The Monarch:
[laughs] I just made ten million bucks, the Monarch way!

Dr. Girlfriend:
Guild rules, duh! Now we're obligated to get Hank back! Hello? How do you expect to fight Captain Sunshine? [pulls on Monarch's sunburned skin, which irritates him]

[Captain Sunshine discovers the Monarch dressed up as Wonder Boy]

Captain Sunshine:
NOOO! Take that costume off!

The Monarch:
What's the matter, Captain Funtime? Isn't this what you've always wanted?

Captain Sunshine:
What are you talking about?

The Monarch:
Wouldn't it just fix everything twisted up inside of you if you could only f*** Wonder Boy and your worst enemy at the same time, huh? Well, come and get us!

Captain Sunshine:
[horrified] You're sick!

The Monarch:
[makes suggestive motions] Where do you want it, Captain? Huh? Where do you want my dick? Here, here?

Captain Sunshine:
[on his knees] You get away! Get away from me with your dirty talking!

The Monarch:
I know your dirty little secret, Sunshine! You can't do a damn thing to me! Because your powers don't work at night!

Dr. Venture:
Hank! Why are you dressed like a pride parade?

Hank Venture:
Look, I appreciate everything you've given me. Especially the Choco-diles, because my bodyguard never gives me those. But I think, maybe you're using me to try to replace someone else, maybe someone you lost. I don't really know what's up with that; you keep talking about him, I didn't want to ask. What I do know, is that I can't be that other kid, no matter how hard I try.

Captain Sunshine:
Don't say that, Wonder Boy. You can be a great Wonder Boy some day, Wonder Boy...

Hank Venture:
That's just it, I'm not Wonder Boy! I'm Hank Venture, and I want to go home!

Captain Sunshine:
[kisses Hank] You broke my heart, Hank. You broke my heart!

[after beating up a supervillain who mentioned the Monarch killing Wonder Boy to him]

Captain Sunshine:
Wonder Boy, are you all right? DO YOU KNOW WHAT COULD HAVE HAPPENED TO YOU? [hugs Hank, is in tears]

Henchman 24:
We're gonna get our asses kicked. We didn't have a breakfast.

Henchman 21:
[Opening his bureau] Gentlemen, choose your weapons.

Henchman 24:
Are these them?

Henchman 21:
[correcting] Are these 'they'.

Henchman 24:
Who talks like that?

The Monarch:
Stand aside. I'm in charge here and I will assign the... are these they?

Henchman 21:
[Proudly, as the scene reveals the 'weapons' to be collector's toys] Yep. And you gotta admit that it is a sweet collection.

The Monarch:
You f***ing idiot! You expect us to go in to battle with these? Is it your plan so that they will die laughing?

Dr. Venture:
Oh, no, I think you'll have that covered when you storm the room with butterfly costumes.

The Monarch:
Oh ha, ha, ha, ha... nice one-sie, dick! Does it have snaps in the back so you can make poopies?

Henchman 24:
Oh, snap!

Dr. Venture:
For your information, this isn't a one-sie, it is a speed suit!

The Monarch:
Or they can think that you're a three year old with prygeria and take pity on us.

Henchman 24:
Oh, in your face!

Dean Venture:
[about his new "speed suit"] I look like Santa's magic janitor.

Dean Venture:
Don't say it.

Hank Venture:
You look like the mayor of Candyland!

The Monarch:
What do you want?

Henchman 21:
Boss?

The Monarch:
This is the Monarch speaking.

Henchman 21:
Holy crud! I got 24 on the other line. I'll put us on three-way, 'cause I have that.

The Monarch:
Good! I want him to hear this, too.

Henchman 21:
Dude, it's the Monarch.

Henchman 24:
Hey, boss! How's prison?

The Monarch:
Well, I'm out! No thanks to you *shmucks!* Guess where I am now?

Henchman 21:
At a good friend's house?

Henchman 24:
[simultaneously] Uh, a Best Western?

The Monarch:
I am sitting in the charred remains of my once-mighty flying Cocoon! Anyone... wanna... explain to me why my Cocoon is charred?

Henchman 24:
Because you told us to destroy the Cocoon?

The Monarch:
And why it is *sideways?*

Henchman 21:
We were following orders! You can't yell at us for following orders!

Henchman 24:
Or *kill* us for following orders!

The Monarch:
[sighs] Never mind. Just... summon the others and get over here.

Henchman 24:
Uh, there are no others.

Henchman 21:
Yeah, most of them joined up with Monstroso's crew when he went inside. And we kinda lost touch after that.

The Monarch:
I'm not gonna lose my temper... All right! Here's what is going to happen - I'm going to take a shower in what is left of my bathroom. When I get out, I expect you to be here... and I expect this Cocoon to be *fully* manned and *fully* operational! [hangs up]

The Monarch:
SH*T! Mall cops! Henchmen, retreat!

The Monarch:
There's just so many buttons... so... so many buttons!

The Phantom Limb:
[to Samson] I have removed the bullet. And three others, a blowgun dart, two shark's teeth, a tip of a bayonet, a twisted paperclip, and a meager handful of buckshot. You may want to learn how to duck.

Brock Samson:
Not even a scar? Did you look around the nipple, or belly button? Sometimes they, they put 'em in through there.

The Phantom Limb:
Look, she is all woman. I have explored every supple inch of her and I have found nothing but nectar.

Brock Samson:
All right, fine. Maybe the Monarch's just better equipped.

The Phantom Limb:
You are strapping on an ultra-light gyropack. They are only issued to top ranking Guild officials.

Brock Samson:
No, I mean better... equipped.

The Phantom Limb:
She was kidnapped, alright? Kid, Napped.

Brock Samson:
Ehh, I'm just sayin'.

The Phantom Limb:
[to Dr Girlfriend] No man is immune to your charms.

Brock Samson:
Pfff, No man. I'm still looking for the scars on her. [the Limb shoots him with a Tranquiliser Dart]

Dean Venture:
Mommy, how do you know where to go?

Dr. Girlfriend:
I'm not your mommy! And I put a tracer on the Monarch when we were first dating- HANK, take this right!

Hank Venture:
I'm driving! I'm a driver!

Dean Venture, Dr. Girlfriend:
We know!

Dr. Girlfriend:
Yeah, tracer. You do stuff like that when you date supervillains.

Dean Venture:
Where'd you put it? Is it in his brain? Or is it like a secret tracer tooth?

Dr. Girlfriend:
No, I hid it in my mouth and I jammed it up his... Honey, like I said, you do some pretty strange things when you date supervillains.

Hank Venture:
Who are all these people?

Dean Venture:
Are they all mommy's other boyfriends?

Dr. Girlfriend:
Stop calling me your f***ing mommy!

The Monarch:
[to his new henchmen] The most reckless, graceless exhibition of henchmenism I've ever seen! You think you're all a bunch of hotshot young Turk 182s, don't ya? Well there are rules in this business! It's about finesse. We don't just go in, guns-a-blazing willy-nilly. And where did you get real guns anyway, huh? Those aren't standard issue! Hand them over! [henchmen laugh]

The Monarch:
What is this, funny to you? I said hand over your firearms or I will be forced to... [henchmen raise their guns at the Monarch]

Brock Samson:
So just what are you trying to say, little man? You don't like Zep?

Brock Samson:
You could've told me Sasquatch was a dude...

Steve Summers:
What, you couldn't tell?

Brock Samson:
Not until I had to... shave him.

[shudders]

Steve Summers:
What are you, shy? Sasquatch doesn't have anything you haven't seen before.

Brock Samson:
Sasquatch IS something I haven't seen before!

Baron ?nderbheit:
You have to give me this one. I've loathed Venture ever since college.

The Monarch:
Oh, who hasn't, ?nderpants? What makes your case so special?

[?nderbheit groans, points to his metal jaw]

The Monarch:
Wow, you mean he did that? How?

Baron ?nderbheit:
Where I come from, a lab partnership is a sacred trust. One is always suppose to look out for one's lab partner. Venture did not.

The Monarch:
Fine, fine. But you have to understand you can't waltz into the middle of a delicate, high-stakes chess tournament and yell, "King me!" 'cause he bitched up your face.

Brock Samson:
You're Steve Summers, astronaut.

Steve Summers:
Former astronaut.

Brock Samson:
I thought you died.

Steve Summers:
That's what everyone was meant to think, though I was barely alive after my test ship broke up, but the army saved me. They spent six million dollars to give me all new bionic parts. Made me stronger, better, faster than I was. Then you know what they did? They put me to work! They expected me to pay it all back! Do you have any idea how long six million bucks takes to pay off on a government salary?

Hank Venture:
But Pop, you're bleeding!

Dr. Venture:
[sees he wet himself] Uh? Oh, this. Uh, no, it's fairly common for some men to lactate involuntarily in situations of extreme stress.

Hank Venture:
[points] Dean's lactating too!

Hank Venture:
H.E.L.P.eR.'s done it.

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
Go Team H.E.L.P.eR.!

The Monarch:
[tastes soda and spits] What is this, diet? Why did you get diet?

Dr. Girlfriend:
I didn't.

The Monarch:
Taste this, then! [shoves the cup into Girlfriend's face]

Dr. Girlfriend:
Okay, I might have grabbed the wrong bottle at the supermarket.

The Monarch:
How do you do that? How can you not tell the difference? God, it's like having my Dad do the shopping!

Brock Samson:
Bionic, huh? Let's see how bionic. [kicks Summers in the testicles]

Sgt. Hatred:
[Exiting the Venture Compound] Well, I'm sure going looking forward to being your arch, oh, which reminds me...

[pulls out a handgun in a playful manner and fires a shot at Dr. Venture. Venture falls to the ground, groaning in pain]

Brock Samson:
HEY!

Sgt. Hatred:
[Holding up his hands, chuckling, handing the gun to Brock] Whoh, whoh, easy there. It's only rubber; just keeping ya' on your toes. I uh...

[Venture bleeding from the hip, still groaning]

Sgt. Hatred:
Gee, uh, they usually don't break the skin like that. He's a real softie, isn't he. [to his radio] Hatred to Malice Troop... gotta '86 the non-lethal. Yeah, were goin' full blown Nerf here.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
[Smoke coming from The Monarch's room] What are you doing?

The Monarch:
I'm Farrah Fawcett attempting to make a comeback. What do you think I'm doing? I'm not using the same bed that you pleasured Phantom Limb in. So, I'm burning it along with this... what is this... little league trophies? Self-help books?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
Well then sell'em. Do you really have to burn all of it, that's insane!

The Monarch:
You know what's insane? You dated a man who read a book entitled, "The Secret". You know what that "secret" is? Your ex-boyfriend is a loser. [Mocking] Oh, but don't tell anybody... secret.

The Monarch:
[emoting clues to Venture during a guessing game] You're a brainless nobody who lives entirely off your father's fame and fortune!

Dr. Venture:
Uh... George Bush?

The Monarch:
[More upset] Hardly! I've never, NEVER hated anyone more than you!

Dr. Venture:
Um... let's see... Hit... Did Hitler have a son?

The Monarch:
[Even more upset] No! You should just admit that your a failure and drink poison!

Dr. Venture:
Um... Socrates' son?

[Hank and Dean have been kidnapped, taken to a motel, and tied up by Myra]

Dean Venture:
You're not our mom! You just can't be!

Hank Venture:
On account of the crazy.

Myra Brandish:
Search your feelings boys; you know it to be true. So true.

[Myra looks away, distracted]

Myra Brandish:
Funny how it seems, always on time, but never in line for dreams.

Hank Venture:
Okay, we're losin' her again.

Myra Brandish:
I bought a ticket to the world, but now I've come back again!

Hank Venture:
If you're supposed to be our mom, then why you got us tied up, huh? People only do that when they wanna kill us.

Dean Venture:
Or hold us for ransom.

Hank Venture:
Or touch us inappropriately.

Dean Venture:
What? When? That never...

Hank Venture:
Sergeant Hatred? What, did you block that out? Oh, no, wait - you were passed out from the wine. Most of it was awful; trust me.

[Henchman 21 opens the door to the cell where Henchman 24 is being held]

Henchman 24:
Ah, don't knock or anything. It's not like I live with eighty guys and no women, so there is no chance I'm masturbating!

Hank Venture:
Brock, I've thought a lot about it, and if we can't get the antidote in time, and it comes down to it, I - well, I want you to be the one to kill me

Brock Samson:
Don't talk like that, Hank. We're gonna fi...

Hank Venture:
Promise me, Brock!

Brock Samson:
OK.

Hank Venture:
Promise?

Brock Samson:
Yes, I promise.

Hank Venture:
Super swear?

Brock Samson:
Yes, Hank!

Hank Venture:
Hey, Brock?

Brock Samson:
[sighs] Yeah?

Hank Venture:
How would you do it?

Brock Samson:
You're asleep, quick jerk of the neck, never feel a thing.

Hank Venture:
You've thought about this.

Brock Samson:
Yes, I have.

[Race Bannon, the 'Brock Sampson' of Jonny Quest, is dying]

Race Bannon:
Do me a favor, Brock.

Brock Samson:
Anything, old friend.

Race Bannon:
Tell... Jonny... I love...

[Race dies, and all bow their heads. A pause, and a loud farting sound plays]

Dean Venture:
Ewww! I didn't know they... Ew!

Brock Samson:
Yeah, they never show that part on TV.

[Hank is infected with a serum that will turn him into a bomb. Brock and Dean try and calm him down]

Hank Venture:
Dude, what is with you? Why are you so calm about this?

Dean Venture:
Because Hank, we're not just any poor suckers... we're the Venture Brothers! Our dad's a supergenius with, like, chemistry stuff. He can fix this, no prob!

Brock Samson:
Dean, we don't even know where your dad is; he's sequestered in some secret think-tank, and this is... well, this is kinda out of his league, honestly.

[Panicking]

Dean Venture:
We're all gonna die!

[Dean tries to run off]

Hank Venture:
I am the Bat!

Dr. Venture:
Yes, yes. You're THE BAT! And THE BAT is the reason why we didn't take Best Group Costume... again! Last year, it was Dorothy, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, and THE BAT! Oh, and how about the time we were the hard-rocking quartet of Gene Simmons, Paul Stanley, Ace Frehley, and THE BAT?

Hank Venture:
The night is mine.

[Hank has gone charging off against ?nderbheit's army]

Dr. Venture:
Hey, maybe he'll surprise us. He does get that kind-of retard strength when he's all worked up.

O.S.I. Instructor:
Well, let's see here, Mr. Samson. On the driving portion, you totalled every car but the one you were driving; on the pistol range, you refused to use a gun. And, uh, oh. Hah! Yeah, here's my favorite: on the written, you drew a little guy with wings from the Led Zeppelin records.

Brock Samson:
Icarus. So uh... what are you trying to tell me here, little man? That you don't like Zep? [Tester stands and rips the written portion in half]

O.S.I. Instructor:
My father is General Treister. You saved his life. The man spoke of you as a god. And you did not disappoint.

Brock Samson:
Oh yeah, I used to babysit you.

Dr. Venture:
Crap, who am I kidding? My looks are going down the toilet faster than an unwanted pregnancy on prom night.

Dr. Venture:
I have something to show you all! Those of you with weak stomachs should leave now! What you are about to see is a nightmare, inexplicably torn from the pages of Kafka!

[reveals he has transformed into a large caterpillar]

Hank Venture:
Holy crap! What happened?

Dr. Venture:
Apparently this is the reward I get for years of screwing with super-science. In short, I pissed in God's eye - and He blinked.

Hank Venture:
[pokes Dr. Venture] Golly, does it hurt?

Dr. Venture:
No. But the poking does, let's stop that now.

Hank Venture:
Sorry. Hey, what's H.E.L.P.eR. gotten into?

[H.E.L.P.eR. is holding Dr. Venture's shed skin]

Dr. Venture:
That appears to be my dermis.

Hank Venture:
Wow! Bet if you put that under your pillow, the Tooth Fairy'll give you, like, a grand!

Dr. Venture:
Okay, Hank? You are taking this way too well.

Hank Venture:
Well, gee Dad, we've seen a lot of strange stuff over the years. Last week we were fighting a giant dinosaur!

Dr. Venture:
Granted, but I wasn't the dinosaur! Can't you see where this is maybe different?

Dr. Venture:
When Marrakesh is overrun by mutant lizard people, don't come crying to me!

O.S.I. Instructor:
This test will, uh, test your proficiency with firearms, you'll have two min...

Brock Samson:
Uh-uh. No guns. I don't use guns.

O.S.I. Instructor:
The nine millimeter Glock is standard issue to all agents in the field. You're required...

Brock Samson:
Guns are for sissies.

Hank Venture:
[hands Brock a tiny lunchbox] I packed a lunch for you. Bologna and cheese. And I cut the crusts off the way *I* like.

Dean Venture:
And I downloaded a bunch of crib notes into your communicator watch. You get stuck on one of the hard questions, just look it up.

Dean Venture:
No worries, Brock. I'll walk you through the written portion. Question 1: You're in Prague. A sniper's in the window above you. There's an alligator behind you, and a grizzly bear in front of you. What do you do? Do you...

Brock Samson:
Back somersault, pry off the alligator's jaw, use it as a boomerang to take out the sniper, when he falls out the window the grizzly'll go straight for the easier meal.

Dean Venture:
Uh... the answer's C.

[Brock is doing push ups, Hank steps on his back]

Hank Venture:
You're nothing! You're weak! Why do you even wanna be a secret agent, boy? You think you're good enough?

Brock Samson:
Hank, seriously, when I get my license back I'm allowed to kill you.

Hank Venture:
Sorry, Brock. [quickly removes his foot]

Dr. Venture:
You don't need a license for operation "Get Me Some".

Brock Samson:
Little worried about that hickey, Doc. [Dr. Venture's is halfway covered in swelling redness]

Dr. Venture:
Oh, Brock, don't worry. I'm not falling in love!... And what would be wrong with that if I was? The boys need a new mommy. Rusty needs a new mommy.

Hank Venture:
We don't even know who our old mommy was.

Dr. Venture:
[spent a night with strippers] You didn't miss much. Oh, one of them was dressed like a cheerleader and said she was 19, but she had a Caesarean scar and her face had more lines on it than a mirror at Studio 54.

Brock Samson:
I'll take care of this. This has been a long time coming. Me and her got to get something straight between us.

The Alchemist:
You think he even knows how many double entendres that was?

Billy Quizboy:
[as Dr. Venture makes a call] Oh, man. This is just wrong, Rusty.

Dr. Venture:
Did you have a date to your prom?

Billy Quizboy:
I was a boy genius. I was the only 12-year-old at my prom, so my date was my mother.

Dr. Venture:
Mine was worse. My prom date was to have been Miss Linda Lovelace.

Billy Quizboy:
Deep Throat Linda Lovelace?

Dr. Venture:
The same. She, of course, by that time was a vocal anti-pornography advocate -thanks, Dad- and sent her friend Andrea Dworkin as her proxy.

Billy Quizboy:
Was she hot?

Dr. Venture:
Google "Andrea Dworkin" on an empty stomach one day. [Into phone]

Dr. Venture:
Oh, hello? Yes, I'd like six of your finest whores please. Fine, escorts. Yes, I think I'll go for full service. Sure, I'll hold.

Dr. Venture:
[to Billy] Anyway, because my dad brought, like, ten Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders as his date, he didn't care that my date was a huge, angry, "way smarter than a 16-year-old me" woman who called me "little half man."

Billy Quizboy:
Better than having your mom as your date.

Dr. Venture:
It got worse, no sh*t. I ended up slow-dancing with H.E.L.P.eR. H.E.L.P.eR.

Dr. Venture:
[nuzzling an escort] How about I take you to my boudoir and give you a little Rusty Venture? [She gets off his lap, slaps him and walks away]

The Alchemist:
Whoa! Denied! What was that about?

Shore Leave:
Boom! Right out of the gate, you ask for a Rusty Venture. That is bold, my friend. Kudos!

Dr. Venture:
What? I had chilled bubbly in my room.

The Alchemist:
Rust, you do realize that a Rusty Venture is when you take your finger and run it around a guy's a**hole while you pull the guy off into his own face.

Dr. Venture:
What? My name is a sex act? When did that happen?

Shore Leave:
Uh, like, in the 80s. And Al is way off: A Rusty Venture is when you 69 and fill each other's mouths with cum; then you turn over and blow splooge into each other's cracks.

Dr. Venture:
Good Lord! How can that be named after me? What does that have to do with me?

Shore Leave:
Oh, don't play coy. Your cartoon was huge in the gay community. We used to throw Rusty Venture parties in the Castro, and we'd all wear little striped tops and tight little shorts.

Henchman 21:
I'm sick of this! I'm slightly drunk, I'm talking to the ghost of my f***ing dead friend, I'm probably in love with you, so... yeah, whatever! I'm over it!

The Monarch:
You're "over it"?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
You're in love with me?

The Monarch:
Whoa, wait, what?

Henchman 21:
Yeah, we made out!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
Well, that's a stretch. We got drunk, and maybe we kissed...

The Monarch:
Sure... where was I then?

Henchman 21:
Where were you? You were there! We were on top of you! WE MADE OUT, ON YOU!

The Monarch:
So you had a drunken threesome! Join the f***ing club! We're villains, you crybaby! We SWING! I watched my wife suck Manta Claus dry and then make him breakfast!

Henchman 21:
Is that true?

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
Eggs and buttered toast.

Henchman 21:
Wha... you guys are nuts! Yeah, great! F*** you! F*** this completely crappy f***ing excuse for a f***ing prom!

[Flips off everybody as he leaves]

General Treister:
I have the pee-pee cancer, and there ain't a thing on Earth anybody can do to fix me. Son, I'm fixing the shuffle of this mortal coil. [Treister climbs in a torpedo tube]

Hunter Gathers:
Wait a minute, what the hell are you doing?

General Treister:
DO NOT LET GO OF THAT WHEEL BOY! THEY'RE 2000 SOULS ON-BOARD!

Hunter Gathers:
What about the OSI? You worked your whole life for this place, General. Now you're just gonna abandon it?

General Treister:
Na. From where I sit, it looks like the ol' gal is in pretty good hands. Took guts to bust out the nest and go off on your own, son. Took balls to... cut your balls. Even without them your got more true grit man-moxy-on-tap than any of these yes-men and bureaucrats been running the place.

Hunter Gathers:
No, General, I'm not...

General Treister:
You'll do fine.

Hunter Gathers:
Do not kill yourself you crazy bastard!

General Treister:
Ain't killing myself son, I said there ain't nothing they can do for me on this Earth. But there is one thing might could cure me, ALIEN TECHNOLOGY! [fires himself]

Dr. Venture:
[mixes up an aphrodisiac] Listen, do you know what I had to go through to engineer the fly that I made this crap from?

[a drunk Brock barges into the dorm room]

Dr. Venture:
Who the hell are you?

Pete White:
I think that's your roommate, Rust.

Dr. Venture:
Oh, come on! You're gonna kill me because I had fake sex on graph paper with a girl who barely spoke to you in real life?

Pete White:
This next one's a dedication to Leslie Cohen, from her little buddy, Mike Sorayama. And he writes, "Leslie, I masturbate furiously to your picture every night. Please notice me. Love, Mike."

Dr. Venture:
Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?

Delivery Guy:
Well hey there, slugger! Looks like you're gunning for my job!

Hank Venture:
Did my dad tell you to say that?

Delivery Guy:
Uh, no.

Hank Venture:
Then... are you psychic?

Dr. Venture:
Hank, leave the man alone. Just because he's black doesn't mean he has the shining.

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
Monstroso? That's what this is about? He's the king of the double cross. I mean, think about it, he's lawyer and a super villain. That's like a shark with a grenade launcher on its head.

Henchman 21:
What's the meaning of life?

Henchman 24:
The color twelve.

Henchman 21:
Really?

Henchman 24:
No, idiot! Ask me something less Hitchhiker's Guide, dork!

Henchman 21:
Do we have souls?

Henchman 24:
Yeah. Well, not quite souls but, it's a general idea. Everything has a soul.

Henchman 21:
Crap. So I guess I should become a vegetarian?

Henchman 24:
No. Like everything living has a soul. Even spinach. You can't win.

Henchman 24:
You know how people cry about aborting babies because of their "soul"? It turns out you don't get a soul till' you're like one.

Henchman 21:
So weird. One? Really?

Henchman 24:
Or maybe six months, I forget. Anyway, you're just this crying... pooing... monster blob till you get your soul.

Henchman 21:
Dude, I barely believe you're real. I mean, if there were ghosts, they'd be freakin' everywhere!

Henchman 24:
Eh, not necessarily. You can only haunt someone you were close to in life.

Henchman 21:
And you chose me? Out of everything, you chose me?

Henchman 24:
Uh, before you get all teary-eyed, I could only choose between YOU, and a cocoon that is constantly getting blown up.

Hunter Gathers:
Damn it Shore Leave, you've ruined another outfit. Think Betsy Ross works here? I'm the one who has to sew this back together, you clown. [Brock laughs]

Hunter Gathers:
What are you laughing at, Mr. Blood Stains on Everything?

Brock Samson:
You know that he rips those himself. He just tears it off like a Chippendales firemen, every time.

Hunter Gathers:
Good god, why?

Shore Leave:
For one, because it looks super-cool.

Hunter Gathers:
You're an infant!

Henchman 21:
[about to fight Samson] This is like Christmas, my first BMX bike and meeting the cast of Firefly all-in-one! Let's go!

Phantom Limb:
[his limbs restored] Armando... Legtenant Shankley... good to have you back!

Billy Quizboy:
I hate to be the one to break this to you, Rust, but your boys are pathetically underprepared for adulthood.

Dr. Venture:
Well, sure, Hank's a bit of a late bloomer, but did you catch Dean's little mustache? Really starting to come in.

Billy Quizboy:
Yeah, regardless of the 'stache, neither of them knows a thing about the real world.

Dr. Venture:
What are you talking about? Those kids have been around the globe more times than Ga?tan Dugas.

Billy Quizboy:
But the stuff those beds have been teaching them is more dated than Funk & Wagnalls. I mean, what college do you think is gonna accept transcripts from a talking bed anyway? Especially since, if I'm reading this right, Hank didn't graduate.

Hank Venture:
I want to join up with you guys!

Hunter Gathers:
Yeah? Well, my boot wants to join up with your ass, and I'm about to throw 'em a shotgun wedding!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Who is your grief counselor, Mother Theresa? How can you be so nonchalant about this? My stupid talismans and I have made movie monsters from your sons!

Dr. Venture:
No! No! I don't wanna go! I'm not done finding myself!

Brock Samson:
You've gotta!

Dr. Venture:
No, please! Brock I feel amazing! I never want tonight to end!

Brock Samson:
You can't run away from your life forever Doc!

Dr. Venture:
This IS my life now MOM! Deal with it!

Brock Samson:
You've got responsibilities at home! The bills are stacking up and you have to deal with what happened to the boys!

Dr. Venture:
Screw the boys! I wanna stay here with my new family and their "feel good candy"!

Brock Samson:
You've had your fun Doc, it's time!

Dr. Venture:
No! Brock, no! This is Skye! We're gonna have a child! Pleeaaaasssseearrrrr!

Dr. Venture:
C'mon, you do this stuff every day!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
But that's different!

Dr. Venture:
Why? Because you call it by a different name? Church, lab. Soul, synapses. Purgatory, computer. Get over yourself!

Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.:
But we're the Venture Brothers! Shouldn't we work together?

Dr. Venture:
Unh. What does it take to get rid of you, you parasite? Tweezers and a match? I give you life, I give you half my stuff, I gave you the X2 for God's sake, what more do you want? My blood? Here! Take it! Take my blood! [bends over, pointing his rear towards Jonas Jr]

Dr. Venture:
Or better yet, just climb right on back inside me! [pats rear] Go on! Jump back in there! Come on!

Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.:
[sighs] Fine. Never mind. Just let me get my stuff from the lab and I'll go.

Dr. Venture:
The lab? Try MY lab.

The Monarch:
Hey! Hey! What the f... Are you raping me?

King Gorilla:
No... well, I was gonna.

The Monarch:
Gonna? What the f***, King?

King Gorilla:
I couldn't get it up.

The Monarch:
AGH!

King Gorilla:
You're built too much like a girl! I couldn't get into it.

The Monarch:
What... What a... this isn't even my cell! What'd you do, take me to your place?

King Gorilla:
Well I got porn here... it helps.

The Monarch:
AGH!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
I am, by trade, a necromancer! You know what that means, right?

Brock Samson:
Uhh, you have sex with dead people?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
phile! Necrophile! A necroMANCER can bring the dead TO LIFE!

Dr. Venture:
Look, if you have a clumsy child, you make him wear a helmet. If you have death-prone children, you keep a few clones of them in your lab.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
I made them a f***ing MILKSHAKE!

[Monarch, in jail, is part of a "Scared Straight" program to convince at-risk teens from becoming supervillans]

The Monarch:
You think you're hot sh*t in a champagne glass, but you're really cold diarrhea in a Dixie cup!

[Dr. Byron Orpheus is dramatically claiming to watch over Hank and Dean, while equally dramatic music plays in the background]

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Pumpkin! Get me my cloak.

Triana Orpheus:
Why don't you wear the...

[Music dies]

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
All right, fine. Get me my...

[Music resurges]

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Blue Windbreaker!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Pumpkin, you're up early, and you've changed out of your jam-jams into... the clothes you wore last night. How frugal of you. Did you just get home?

Triana Orpheus:
Kim was totally plastered, and then we were like ...

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Sweetie, let me love you, don't make this hard for us. Now we have the Venture twins staying with us, and they're not in the den. I sense something is amiss. Is there, something else you forgot to tell daddy?

Triana Orpheus:
They ran away.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
[dramatic gasp]

Triana Orpheus:
They said they were going to the city to become famous lion tamers.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Mister Venture trusted me with his offspring. I have failed him! For even now they could be in peril!

Triana Orpheus:
Remember when I ran away? I just went to Rachel's house. So try not to embarrass them. For me?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Don't worry, pumpkin. It is not my intention to shame them. I just have to keep them safe. I will be their shadow! Nay, their unseen guardian angel! Pumpkin! Get me my cloak!

Triana Orpheus:
Why don't you wear the, uh ...

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Alright fine. Get me my BLUE WINDBREAKER!

[Dr. Venture has just saved the life of his deformed twin, whom Dr. Venture tried to kill in the womb]

Jonas Venture Jr.:
Looks like botched attempted fratricide runs in the family.

[about Jonas Venture Jr, a baby-sized person with the face of Dr. Venture's father]

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
What is...

Brock Samson:
That's Doc's deformed twin brother he absorbed in the womb, who's come back for revenge. But now they've made up, so...

[Long pause]

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
'Kay.

[Dr. Venture appears to be "pregnant" and is taken to the maternity ward]

Doctor:
Sorry, sir. Medical personnel only beyond this point.

Brock Samson:
I'm staying with him. I go where he goes.

Doctor:
Oh. You must be his... partner... then.

Brock Samson:
Not really. It's more like I work for... Wait a minute! No!

The Monarch:
[in a "Scared Straight"-style prison program] What's your name?

Dean Venture:
Dean Ven...

The Monarch:
Your name is B*tch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigarette?

[exchange is made]

The Monarch:
There. I just sold you for a cigarette... and I don't smoke!

[finally processes who he's talking to]

The Monarch:
Holy sh*t! You're Dean f***ing Venture! King, I gotta buy my b*tch back. Here's your cigarette.

King Gorilla:
F*** you, gimme a dollar.

Dean Venture:
I'll be sleeping in a room right next to Triana. And then she'll hear, like, thunder or something, and she'll run into my room all scared and stuff. And I'll be like, "Hush, my darling. It's just ionized air molecules expanding." And she'll be like, "Oh, hold me." And then I'll, like...

Hank Venture:
Dude! If we stay here, that means that we'll be Dr. Orpheus's kids. And that means Triana will be your sister. And that means you two will have extra-retard babies.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
There is a television behind the El Greco. Sadly, the remote has vanished from the material sphere! So it's stuck on Animal Planet.

Dr. Venture:
What would I do without you, Brock?

Brock Samson:
You would've died.

[staring at the mangled and burned bodies of Hank and Dean while Brock watches on, and Dr. Orpheus weeps]

Dr. Venture:
All right. Get their clones.

Wonderboy:
As a superhero sidekick, I led a very active, athletic lifestyle. But when I turned eighteen, and I was, shall we say, "replaced with a newer model," I started putting the weight on. And then I would eat more because I was depressed. And... I have abandonment issues? More?

Lance Hale:
Lance Hale, one half of the world-famous Hale Brothers. Boy detectives. You've heard of us. Anyway, we're here because my allegedly twin brother Dale still hasn't gotten over our father's death.

Dale Hale:
I can still see his face through the steam of his pooling blood as he lay sputtering on the cold linoleum floor...

Lance Hale:
Punch-buggy depressing! Nobody wants to hear that crap, Dale! Heheh, sorry. We didn't just lose our dad that night. His death remains our only unsolved case ever. We had to quit the business because the shame was just too great.

Action Johnny:
Yeah, retiring at thirty on daddy's famous fortune must've been real hard on you.

Lance Hale:
For your information, Action Junkie, he bequeathed most of it to the local boy detective academy. We hardly got dick because nothing we ever did was good enough!

Action Johnny:
My dad's lab was like a pharmacological candy store, so I started real young. Next thing I know, I'm blowing lines of voodoo powder off the back of a monkey's paw I bought in Calcutta. Now I'm all out of wishes.

Dr. Venture:
I wasn't even allowed to wear long pants until I left for college. Is it any wonder I didn't lose my virginity until I was over 20?

Lance Hale:
So dumbass here is so freaked out by the mess, he forgets twenty years of detective training and actually picks up the shotgun with his bare hands. Well, I just instinctively reached out to stop him, of course. And so... that's how both our sets of prints ended up on the murder weapon.

Ro-Boy:
I tried to be good, I just couldn't help myself sometimes. When I see a giant robot I just get so mad, I wanna beat them up! And then I wanna burn them! Sometimes I wanna burn the whole world!

Wonderboy:
I mean, I can't even get an erection now unless I'm tied to a chair with a time bomb taped to my chest.

Action Johnny:
Dudes, get back! That is a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper! One bite, and you're dead before you take two steps.

Dale Hale:
There's no such thing.

Action Johnny:
Yeah, I'm making it up? It's right there, dude! That ain't a f***ing hologram or an old lighthouse keeper in a rubber mask, okay?

Dale Hale:
I mean there's no such snake. That's an urban myth.

Lance Hale:
Bro's right. I Googled it.

Dr. Venture:
Hey, Encyclopedia Brown-Noser, can you Google this thing the hell away from me?

Action Johnny:
Why'd you kill him, Z? To get to me?

Dr. Z:
I have no idea what you are talking about, I have not arched you in years. Why would I? You're nothing but a punk!

Action Johnny:
You're going to tell me that you didn't send your flunky to murder our therapist with a a Vietnamese Two-Step Viper?

Dr. Z:
BAH! When Dr. Z harasses you, you'll know it! A giant metal crab will tear the roof of your trailer! No less than six suicide assassins would spring from its belly! I would never stoop to striking at you through some civilian proxy, and certainly would not do it with a made-up snake!

Dr. Z:
So, a snake kills your psychiatrist, and you fly all the way down here in the middle of the night to beat up an old man because of a matchbook.

Dale Hale:
Yeah, sounds kind of sloppy when you say it.

Dr. Z:
When are you boys going to grow up? Didn't you get enough of this nonsense when you were kids?

Dale Hale:
We had to do something, it was a mystery!

Dr. Z:
There's always a mystery, it never ends! Not until you decide when enough is enough!

Wonderboy:
You mean, just give it all up?

Dr. Z:
Yes! Why not? Leave it to the next ten-year-old boy with a jetpack and a spyglass! Take it from an old man: there is more to life! I am much happier now that I've settled down with Mrs. Z, than I ever was chasing Jonny around with a laser! I only regret that it took so long for me to figure it out. We never had children of our own, you see. We married late. And though my lover's mountains are both beautiful and bountiful, I'm afraid the valley below is quite barren.

Mrs. Z:
[laughs] I thought we could not have kids because I was your beard.

Ro-Boy:
Dr. Z, Mrs. Z, would you like to adopt me? [everybody cheers]

Dr. Venture:
Dr Z is right. You know, I should thank you guys. You all made me realize something important tonight: I am not alone.

Action Johnny:
Band of brothers, man.

Dr. Venture:
No, I mean, what the hell am I doing in therapy in the first place? I'm no drug addict, I don't have an eating disorder, and as much as I resented my father I never wanted to kill him! And most importantly, I grew up! I'm not a boy adventurer, I have my own business and my own family! And if you'll excuse me, I think it's high time I got back to them.

Action Johnny:
Hey, how are those balls doing, Rust?

Dr. Venture:
Spirit is up and roving, but Opportunity hasn't come back online yet.

Dr. Venture:
...well, Daphne I believe she got around quite a bit, but Velma? I always thought she was a...

Action Johnny:
Everybody did. But I've got a pack of herpes that say otherwise.

The Monarch:
You deployed my wings with your ass.

[Phantom Limb crashes Monarch's wedding with troops, demanding Dr. Girlfriend back]

The Monarch:
OH! DICK MOVE!

The Phantom Limb:
Revenge, like gazpacho soup, is best served cold. Precise and merciless.

The Monarch:
Yeah, yeah, you can never have enough precision in your soup.

Henchman 21:
[Waking up after partying in the Mighty Flying Cocoon] Oh God! I don't ever want to do that again!

Henchman 24:
[Feeling the same] God; he's gonna kill us when he gets back.

Henchman 21:
Oh, let him kill us. Death would be a sweet release from all of this. [Stands up] Oh, f*** it! You do it! Just make sure when you do it that it isn't loud or near my head.

Brock Samson:
[Off scene, to Henchman 24] I got an idea, Chunk! [Camera pans to Brock and the Ventures in the jail cell] You let me out of here and I'll kill ya.

Henchman 21:
Oh, my god. What did we do?

Henchman 24:
I thought I dreamed that part.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Sweetie, isn't that the guy from Depeche Mode?

The Monarch:
Oh, no way! Where? Holy crap, he's with a girl?

Dr. Girlfriend:
Oh yeah, that guy is totally straight. I saw a whole thing about him on the VH-1.

The Monarch:
But he's the guy from Depeche Mode! It's impossible.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Straight.

The Monarch:
Come on! He's in Depeche Mode!

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Oh, it must be dreamy to have a costumed nemesis. Chasing you... wringing his gloved hands in concern of your every move.

Dr. Venture:
You're kidding, right?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
It just seems so romantic.

[Dr. Venture is holding a yard sale]

Brock Samson:
I just think that with all your advertising...

Dr. Venture:
Who even opens those ValPaks, anyway?

Brock Samson:
You have some dangerous machinery for sale here; I think you're beggin' for trouble on this one.

Dr. Venture:
I thought you handled all that. And I don't hear any big ideas from you on how to get some quick cash; come on! Most of this stuff is old crap my dad left behind.

Brock Samson:
DOC! YOU HAVE A TABLE OVER THERE WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS, "LASER DEATH RAY BARGAIN BIN!"

[in Dr. Venture's laboratory]

The Monarch:
Here I am in the heart of the lion's den and I don't even care! [indicating a machine] I don't even feel like taking a whizz on this! I used to DREAM about taking a whizz on this!

The Monarch:
With every fiber of my being I stab at thee, as long as blood flows through this heart, I will hunt you down! I will be the stuff of your children's nightmares!

Dr. Venture:
What's he doing now?

Dean Venture:
He's making his dramatic exit.

Dr. Venture:
This could take all night, I'm gonna get Brock.

Hank Venture:
I think he's almost done.

The Monarch:
And then, when nothing can be heard but your cries of agony, I will pull the chain and let the beast devour you! Mark my words: I will have my revenge, DR. VENTURE!

[used the bathroom in the Venture home]

The Monarch:
Honestly, what kind of jackass leaves every door unlocked? I'm not going to flush. Let them see the wrath of the Monarch!

The Monarch:
[inside Dr. Venture's laboratory] Oh my god, look at this place. It's like a museum of failure.

The Monarch:
[on Dr Venture] What can I do to this guy that life hasn't already? I almost feel sorry for him.

Dr. Dugong:
Man seeks a good time, but he is not a hedonist! He seeks love, he just doesn't know where to look. He looks under the beds of whores and in the hot stem of a crack pipe. But he should look to nature; gentle aquatic mammals have all the answers!

Dean Venture:
Can I pet your p*ssy?

Triana Orpheus:
[holding a cat] There is no irony in that, is there?

Hank Venture:
You're gay, right?

The Alchemist:
Yeah!

Hank Venture:
What's it looked like? I mean, is it real or is it all Frankenstein?

The Alchemist:
Hank?

Hank Venture:
Your dingus! Does it look real?

The Alchemist:
What is Kid-Crazy talking about?

Jefferson Twilight:
He thinks you're transgender.

The Alchemist:
Hank, it looks real because it IS real! I'm gay, it doesn't mean I was born a woman! I have a regular dingus, as you say.

Jefferson Twilight:
Hank, aren't you just a little ashamed of your ignorance?

The Alchemist:
Like just a little?

Hank Venture:
Yeah, constantly!

Sgt. Hatred:
I got a court order that says I can't be around these... sexy little children!

Billy Quizboy:
[as a huge gorilla approaches Dr. Venture] Be careful; they can smell fear.

Dr. Venture:
What about urine? Can they smell that?

Billy Quizboy:
That's, like, liquid fear.

Dr. Venture:
These kids want to see Rusty Venture. Maybe when there's a cartoon called "The Venture Brothers", it'll be different.

Hunter Gathers:
No way! A thousand times no! I'm not letting those clowns shrink my 40 million dollar secretly funded nuclear submarine to go fight the f***ing cavity creeps!

Hank Venture:
Then when our father dies, are you guys prepared to adopt us?

Hunter Gathers:
No, but I'm considering a extremely late-term abortion!

Hunter Gathers:
Samson! What part of secret underground headquarters does that square-head of yours fail to grasp?

Brock Samson:
Look, they live next door, what am I supposed to do?

Hunter Gathers:
Wipe their pink little minds and send them back home, like I told you!

Brock Samson:
They discover us every other week. I can't keep doing that, it's starting to make them buggy.

Henchman 21:
We are getting hammered out there! Sgt. Hatred does not share Brock's aversion to firearms, and now even their robot's packing heat! We need body armor!

Dr. Mrs. The Monarch:
Well, what's that you're wearing?

Henchman 21:
I had to buy this myself online! I'm out-of-pocket an AT-AT Walker, two Greedos, and a Landspeeder. And not everyone here has Star Wars duplicates to sell on eBay. Half these guys weren't even born when Empire came out, and the rest are barely making minimum wage!

The Monarch:
Honey, they're henchmen. You don't explain to them, they do your bidding. When you say "jump", they say, "what shark?"

Hank Venture:
Check out the elephants!

Dean Venture:
You can tell which are the males, because they're the ones with tusks.

Hank Venture:
Dude, I got no problem telling which are male. Check out the fifth leg on that one!

Dean Venture:
It's called "a trunk."

Hank Venture:
It's called "you're a spaz," and that ain't what i'm talkin' about!

Brock Samson:
Boys, you don't want to shoot me. You know me. You know what I'll do to you if you do.

Roy Brisby:
Welcome, to the Happiest Place on Earth!

[Brisby turns around. Dr. Venture sees he has no lips or nose]

Dr. Venture:
Holy dammit Christmas!

Roy Brisby:
[to Dr. Venture] Congress? Bah! Bunch of out-of-work astronauts and C-list actors. They're not men of vision. Men like you and me. Men like... your father.

Dean Venture:
I spy a... hmm... I don't have a card for that one.

Hank Venture:
If you don't knock it off with the wildlife cards already, you're gonna be spyin' my foot up your wow-hole Dean! Seriously!

Roy Brisby:
Welcome, Dr. Venture... to the Brisby-dome!

Dr. Venture:
This is that ridiculous giant beehive next door to your study, isn't it? You knocked me out and put me in a bag to bring me fifty yards?

Roy Brisby:
Now that we've exchanged pleasantries and hot panda milk, Dr. Venture, let's talk business. I want you to clone me.

Dr. Venture:
Cloning? I... wouldn't know anything about that, seeing as Congress has banned all cloning research in North America...

[Billy wakes to find himself in a brightly lit medical chamber. A disembodied voice addresses him:
]

Computer:
Please do not be alarmed. We are about to engage... The Nozzle.

[a strange device elaborately snakes down from the ceiling toward Billy's face]

Computer:
Please do not move while The Nozzle is engaging. Moving will disrupt calibration of... The Nozzle. [pause] Please wait while we calibrate... The Nozzle.

[Billy glances away]

Computer:
Please do not look away from... The Nozzle. [pause] The Nozzle is now calibrating. [Billy stares as nothing happens] The Nozzle is still calibrating. [nothing continues to happen] The Nozzle has completed calibration. Thank you.

[the Nozzle withdraws. A door slides open and Brock and Colonel Gathers enter:
]

Colonel Hunter Gathers:
There's our pink-cheeked junior G-Man!

Billy Quizboy:
What was that thing?

Colonel Hunter Gathers:
I have no idea.

Tiny Attorney:
Could you tell the court what it is that you do? You're a type of magician?

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Well, if you must call me that, yes. But, if you are after mere parlor tricks, you will be sorely disappointed. For if I reach behind your ear, it will not be a nickel I pull out, but your very soul!

Judge:
[speaking to The Monarch] You're on thin ice, but do you get off the ice? Hell, no! You jump up and down like a lunatic having a - a conniption fit!

Mummy:
My arm came off! I can't believe that happened!

[referring to her old, skimpy costume]

Dr. Girlfriend:
I can't believe you saved it. What are these hard chunks?

Phantom Limb:
My... tears.

[Present day]

The Monarch:
*Tears*? You have to be kidding me! You know that sick, deformed slob... you know he was pounding his invisible meat all over that skimpy...

Dr. Venture:
That's it! Objection! Your honor, I have children listening to this potty talk.

Judge:
Sustained. I want that last part stricken from the record. And my mind.

Brock Samson:
Something big is going down, this place is crawling with Strangers.

Hank Venture:
Well, you can't expect to know everybody!

Brock Samson:
No, Hank... Strangers are undercover Guild operatives.

Dean Venture:
We gotta warn Pop!

Brock Samson:
No, Dean. This is guild business, your father isn't in any harm. Guild works clean, professional, and surgical. In a way, they're the only organization I still respect.

Hank Venture:
[dramatically] And they kill clean! Don't let dames get in the way!

Brock Samson:
[turning to Hank] Honestly, Hank, where do you pick that stuff up? I never see you read!

Dean Venture:
It's weird, right?

Brock Samson:
It's like he channels dead crazy people!

Hank Venture:
[worried] Do you think it's a cry for help?

The Monarch:
While you were wasting your time castrating a priceless antique, I was systematically feeding babies to hungry mutated puppies!

The Monarch:
They're total liars! I kept my mouth shut when Dean said he could read Sanskrit, and when Hank said he wanted a piece of him, I was like "Fine, whatever." But Mecha-Shiva? No way! They are so lying, I'm innocent!

Judge:
Now if it was up to me, you'd have been in chains an hour ago. But this is a trial by jury, and it's up to your peers to decide this.

The Monarch:
Peers? PEERS? How dare you! That repulsive display of humanity out there? NO WAY! A list of my peers would read as follows: Flying Squid and Tigeriffic; Truckules; Lord Mostly-Magic; King Fantastic Outfit; Fee Waybill of the Tubes; SuicideGirl Teagan; Bill "Superfoot" Wallace; Happy-Go-Clucky and Swiss Misstery; Chaka Igloo; and my 8th grade earth science teacher Mr. Tringe! Oh, and Bizarro Oscar Wilde as an alternate.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
Hug me!

The Monarch:
Fine. Whatever gets you off, man. Just don't go for the reach-around, because The Monarch doesn't swing that way.

The Monarch:
[drunk, to a cop] Look, Officer Poncherello... the second in command just left me. So why don't you put your fat Tom of Finland ass back on your big gay bike and go home? This is none of your beeswax!

The Grand Inquisitor:
[shouts] Earthman! I have traveled from an incredibly distant star to observe the ways of your planet!

Hank Venture:
[about the volume of the Inquisitor's voice] Aw, I can feel it in my Joanies!

The Grand Inquisitor:
[shouts] You have the honor of representing your entire race as my sample subject!

Dr. Venture:
Brock? There's a twelve-foot man in our pool pointing a beam at my head. Do something?

The Grand Inquisitor:
[shouts] Whispering is futile! The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all! Sees all!

Dr. Venture:
Look, we don't have time for this, okay? We're on a very tight...

The Grand Inquisitor:
[shouts] Do not speak to me! Do not alter your normal human behavior in any way! You know not the elaborate criteria by which you are to be judged! Ignore my presence and go about your Earthly business!

Dr. Venture:
[sighs]

The Grand Inquisitor:
IGNORE ME!

The Grand Inquisitor:
[cab pulls up] GOOD NEWS SAMPLE SUBJECTS OF EARTH! THE GLORIOUS MOMENT OF JUDGMENT IS UPON YOU!

Taxi Driver:
Hey stretch, it says 20 on the meter!

The Grand Inquisitor:
IGNORE ME!

Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.:
Who the hell is that?

Dr. Venture:
[groans] Just... just ignore him.

Dr. Venture:
What the hell are you doing here? You were supposed to be our "backup" crew in case something happens to us!

Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.:
What do you want from me? I mean, look at you. You had "super kill guy" with you and you still got caught.

Brock Samson:
I dunno, Doc.

Dr. Venture:
What?

Brock Samson:
This is pretty bad, even for you.

Dr. Venture:
Look, I've seen you rip a man's eyes out of his sockets and make him a marionette with his optic nerves!

Brock Samson:
Yeah, but at least I didn't break his heart.

Dr. Venture:
You don't know that.

Brock Samson:
[shakes Dr. Venture] Wake up, we're almost there.

Dr. Venture:
[shaking his head] God, I thought I was all done with those crappy dreams.

The Grand Inquisitor:
[shouting] THAT WAS A WEIRD ONE.

Dr. Venture:
Great! You can read my mind.

The Grand Inquisitor:
[shouting] IGNORE ME!... Yes I can.

Dr. Venture:
LADYSMITH BLACK MAMBAZO!

Professor Impossible:
You see Doctor Venture, I found the piece your father hid in the foundation years ago... then I thought about you in physics class. You were a daydreamer. A sassmouth! And, not infrequently, a bit of a gigglepuss! Somehow I doubt twenty years of amphetamines and failure have done anything to improve that.

Dr. Jonas Venture:
[From a video screen] Hello, Rusty! It's your father.

Dean Venture:
It's Grandpa! He's alive!

Hank Venture:
[leans in to the screen] And trapped... In the Phantom Zone!

[Dr. Venture pulls his away from the screen]

Hank Venture:
I was just kidding. Jeez, I'm not a 'tard.

Dr. Jonas Venture:
I knew you'd find this tape. You were always such a little video buff.

Dr. Venture:
Once! I told him once I wanted to make videos. Next thing you know, every holiday, it's cameras, how-to books...

Hank Venture:
So, yeah, pop? I've been meaning to tell you: I'm not really that into neckerchiefs.

Dean Venture:
You wear them well!

Dr. Venture:
Shh! Wait. Shh! What'd he say? Go back!

[rewinds tape]

Dr. Jonas Venture:
What I have to tell you is a matter of the gravest importance, Rusty. It has to do with those mysterious deep-space radio signals. You know! The ones I received back when you were just a boy?

Dr. Jonas Venture:
[flasback sequence] What... does it mean?

Young Rusty:
[jumping around on the floor] You can't walk on the red ones 'cause they're lava!

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Shh! Rusty, please!

[flashback ends]

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Well, after ten long years, I've finally translated the broadcasts! I found something extraordinary! A message from far across time and space, addressed to me, personally! It has to do with my latest invention, the greatest of my career, or anyone's, which I completed only a week ago!

Dr. Venture:
Mmm! Cha-ching! Turn it up, I smell money!

Dr. Jonas Venture:
They warned me that mankind was still too immature to be trusted with it! They told me to dismantle it before it got into the wrong hands! But they also told me that the fate of the planet hinged upon my being activated once. That's why I've scattered the main components in secret locations across the globe! So no one...

[a loud noise is heard off screen]

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Someone's coming! They know!

[screen fades to static]

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Ha ha ha! False alarm! Okay, get a pen.

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Look, I'm not really your father, OK? I'm an alien who was sent here at this appointed time to kill that guy, because he would have destroyed all life as you know it. I took the form of your dad, because I figured it would be easier to accept. I didn't want to stress you out. End of the world, life on other planets, blah blah blah...

Dr. Venture:
Why, you son of a B*TCH! Do you know what you just put me through? What the f*** where you thinking? What kind of f***ed up planet are you from, where you think showing up as my dead f***ing father is supposed to make me feel any better?

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Okay, take it easy...

Dr. Venture:
You prick!

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Look, I just save your entire plane...

Dr. Venture:
PRICK!

Dr. Jonas Venture:
All right, fine! You wanna see? Here! ["Jonas" removes his face, which we don't see as the camera cuts to a reaction shot of the horrified response of the assembled characters]

Dr. Jonas Venture:
There! That would've been better, if I'd shown up like that out of nowhere? Look at you, you practically crapped your pants! [points to Ned]

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Except him, he crapped his pants!

Ned:
Boom boom!

Dr. Jonas Venture:
We know what we're doing up there, okay? So don't second guess me! Just get in your little plane, go back to your little lives, and thank your lucky stars someone in this universe is looking out for you! Ungrateful little half-monkeys!

Dean Venture:
Um, bye.

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Whatever! [leaves]

[last lines]

Dr. Venture:
Great. So we haul ass all over the world, almost got ourselves killed and now nothing to show for it! Not even gas money!

Brock Samson:
We did kinda, like, save the world. I guess.

Dean Venture:
And that big guy finally shut up.

Dr. Jonas Venture Jr.:
And we worked together, like a family.

Hank Venture, Dean Venture:
Go Team Venture!

Dr. Venture:
Where are you going?

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Where you can't follow, Rusty.

Dr. Venture:
Don't go. There's so much I want to ask you, so many unanswered questions.

Dean Venture:
Like, what's that big yellow thing in Pop's lab do?

Hank Venture:
Yeah, and if you drop a penny from the Empire State Building does it go through your whole body or...

Dr. Venture:
Boys, quiet! I'm trying to have a family moment here!

Dr. Venture:
[crying] Where have you been for the past twenty years? Why haven't you contacted me? How can you just leave me all alone?

Dr. Jonas Venture:
Oh Rusty. You were never alone. Those stars - Well, okay, you can't see them right now because we're in the city - but those stars, they're always watching us.

[the boys are preparing for a night out:
]

Dean Venture:
Hank, are you even close to finis... [sees Hank is dressed as Batman] Dad!

Dr. Venture:
[enters] Dean, you smell like a whore. [Dean points at Hank] What's the...? Oh, not agai... Brock!

Hank Venture:
What? You said to put on your best outfit.

Dr. Venture:
*Outfit*, Hank. Not costume!

Brock Samson:
[enters] What the f...?

Dean Venture:
Well, I guess you can't come. Right? Hank can't come?

Dr. Venture:
Nice try, Dean.

Dr. Byron Orpheus:
When young women reach estrous the um... lingam yearns for the stamen-like skills of the yoni.

Henchman 21:
Who's your date?

The Monarch:
I met her on the LiveJournal, which I kept in prison. I have been blogging! After posting an especially attractive picture of my prison-sculpted abs, she commented that I was not only "pwn", I was "teh sex"... whatever that means.

Henchman 24:
Oh, shotgun! Called!

Triana Orpheus:
Come on dad! I'm going on a date with... the Venture brothers.

Phantom Limb:
Oh, - - ing great. I think I killed him. Oh, christ, now he's bleeding from the eyes. I'm gonna need some seltzer here... This carpet is Persian - irreplaceable, what with there not being a Persia anymore... That seltzer isn't going to get itself!

Dr. Venture:
Lab shmab, I'm finished with work for today. No, I wanted the boys away because I made a discovery of the... non-scientific kind.

Brock Samson:
What'd you find? Are you okay?

Dr. Venture:
Oh, I'm more than okay. While perusing TV guide, I found a little - shall I say - flick, starring a one miss Dolly Parton, meow. Yeah, it seems she made a racy film called "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas."

Brock Samson:
Yeah, Doc, you're uh, gonna be disappointed there...

Dr. Venture:
Don't ruin it for me. I have popcorn popping and the VCR set for stun!

Phantom Limb:
[on the radio] Blackout Target Victor Echo November Seven Niner is in Daddy's lap. Repeat, in Daddy's lap. Call off Blackout team. Daddy is going to put the boys to bed, himself... Yes, I'm going to kill them. It's a very simple metaphor.

The Monarch:
[about the Phantom Limb] When he was in college, he was a scrawny little wuss. In a desperate attempt to be cooler than guys like me, he had his 12-year-old roommate create a machine that speeds up the muscle building process. The machine worked so well that every molecule in his extremities was accelerated beyond the speed of light. There were two side effects. One: He could mess up a guy just by touching him. And two: He became a humorless dick!

Henchman 21:
[about the Phantom Limb] He used to be a good guy, actually. When he and Billy - that, you know, weird midget who won a bunch of money on Card Sharks - invented a time machine, he became a villain; and the way I heard the story is that the time machine was, like, broken or something, so Phantom Limb's arms and legs and Billy's hand were sent forty years into the future.

Hank Venture:
[about the Phantom Limb] I think he used to be a famous magician. And one time, while performing for the Queen of England, he accidentally made his arms and legs disappear. They are now on the Moon with a bunch of rabbits and doves and... and playing cards and pretty assistants and some milk.

Dr. Girlfriend:
Come on, Monarch, how old was she?

The Monarch:
Will you look at me? I'm in a f***ing evil butterfly costume! What age group do you think is going to be attracted to me?

Dr. Venture:
[about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"] Brock, I am this close to seeing Dolly's goods. I mean, they can't sing for EVER.

Dr. Venture:
Why are you naked?

Brock Samson:
To prey on their fear, move like an animal, to feel the kill.

Dr. Girlfriend:
[in the ladies bathroom] Yes, I belong in here, I just have a deep voice.

Master Billy Quizboy:
[about "The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas"] Oh yeah, it's a musical. You never get to see anything!

Ted:
Why do you hate God so much?

Sonny:
I don't hate god, maaan!

Ted:
Well god thinks you hate him, and that's just as bad as hating him. Now why don't you and Groovy go start looking for some clues!

Sonny:
Clues to what? What is your trip?

Ted:
Clues to why I don't I chain you to the back of my van and road haul you until you're nothing more than a pelvis, wearing a belt!

Groovy:
Guy is peesing on your lawn man!