The West Wing

[repeated line]

President Josiah Bartlet:
What's next?

Representative Matthew Santos:
Who's that hugging Mommy?

[still new to the White House, Josh can't find his desk]

Josh Lyman:
I'll just walk around some more and see if I can get into a pick-up meeting.

Representative Matthew Santos:
I don't care if it's three Bosnians, an Armenian, and a bus full of party clowns!

Donna Moss:
She should stick around. Your whole campaign is like some Dr. Seuss nightmare - One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, We Fought The Good Fight Fish.

Reporter:
Would the White House care to comment on the expected contrast between the high degree of organization and discipline in the Republican Convention and the Democrats' anticipated free-for-all?

Annabeth Schott:
I believe the American people will be the beneficiaries, in that they will be presented with a clear choice: do they want to be governed by people who are animated, or animatronic?

Sen. Arnold Vinick:
[closing remarks at Republican Convention] My commitment to strive to be worthy of the example of the great men who have gone before. Presidents walk in giant footsteps. They have magnificent legacies to uphold. I stand here on this day and put my name forth, as one who aspires to their example, who will daily make that sacrifice, who will honor not just the office, but the people that office serves. *Their* President of these United States of America.

Leo McGarry:
This guy's walkin' down a street when he falls in a hole. The walls are so steep he can't get out. A doctor passes by and the guy shouts up, "Hey you! Can you help me out?" The doctor writes a prescription, throws it down in the hole, and moves on. Then a priest comes along and the guy shouts up, "Father, I'm down in this hole; can you help me out?" The priest writes out a prayer, throws it down in the hole and moves on. Then a friend walks by. "Hey, Joe, it's me. Can ya help me out?" And the friend jumps in the hole. Our guy says, "Are ya stupid? Now we're both down here." The friend says, "Yeah, but I've been down here before and I know the way out.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[Before the State of the Union, Bartlet is counseling a cabinet member on what to do in the event of a terrorist attack] You got a best friend?

Roger:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Is he smarter than you?

Roger:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Would you trust him with your life?

Roger:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
That's your Chief of Staff.

Sam Seaborn:
Over the past half century, we've split the atom, we've spliced the gene and we've roamed Tranquility Base. We've reached for the stars and never have we been closer to having them in our grasp. New science, new technology is making the difference between life and death, and so we need a national commitment equal to this unparalleled moment of possibility. And so I announce to you tonight that I will bring the full resources of the Federal Government and the full reach of my office to this fundamental goal: We will cure cancer by the end of this decade.

Ainsley Hayes:
Donna, who gave you those beautiful flowers at your desk?

Josh Lyman:
I did! Me. Those are from me.

Ainsley Hayes:
What's the occasion?

Donna Moss:
Nothing.

Josh Lyman:
Our anniversary.

Donna Moss:
Our *not* anniversary.

Josh Lyman:
Donna doesn't like to talk about it.

Donna Moss:
I really don't.

Ainsley Hayes:
Okay.

Sam Seaborn:
A few years ago Donna's boyfriend broke up with her so she started working for Josh but then the boyfriend told her to come back and she did and then they broke up and she came back to work...

Donna Moss:
[Donna gestures at Sam in exasperation]

Sam Seaborn:
I thought you meant YOU didn't want to talk about it. I'm a spokesman. It's in my blood.

Toby Ziegler:
No, I don't think you did either, sir. I meant that during a night of extreme chaos and fear, when we didn't yet know if we'd been the victims of domestic or foreign terrorism, or even an act of war, there was uncertainty as to who was giving the national security orders and it was because you never signed a letter. So I'm led to wonder, given your condition and it's lack of predictability, why there isn't simply a signed letter sitting in a file someplace. And the answer, of course, is that if there was a signed letter sitting in a file someplace, somebody would ask why. The Commander-in-Chief had just been attacked, he was under a general anesthetic, a fugitive was at large, the manhunt included every federal, state, and local law enforcement agency. The Virginia, Maryland, New Jersey, Pennsylvania and Delaware National Guard units were federalized. The KH-10s showed Republican Guard movement in southern Iraq. And twelve hours earlier, an F-117 was shot down in the no-fly, and the Vice President's authority was murky, at best! The National Security Advisor and the Secretary of State didn't know who they were taking their orders from! I wasn't in the Situation Room that night, but I'll bet all the money in my pockets against all the money in your pockets, that it was Leo. Who no one elected! For ninety minutes that night there was a coup d'etat in this country.

Sam Seaborn:
I flat-out guarantee you that if men were biologically responsible for procreation, there'd be paid family leave in every Fortune 500.

Ainsley Hayes:
Sam, if men were biologically responsible for procreation, they'd fall down and die at the first sonogram.

Sam Seaborn:
I'm going to register with the Republican Party. And I'll tell you why, if you're curious. It's because they're a freedom-loving people.

Ainsley Hayes:
We also like beef.

Josh Lyman:
I'm just sayin' if you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for a beer.

Donna Moss:
[stands up] If you were in an accident, I wouldn't stop for red lights.

Toby Ziegler:
It's never happened before, right?

Leo McGarry:
No.

Toby Ziegler:
The Vice President would never challenge a sitting President for the nomination.

Leo McGarry:
'Course not.

Toby Ziegler:
You see his itinerary for the weekend?

Leo McGarry:
Who?

Toby Ziegler:
The Vice President.

Leo McGarry:
I don't keep tabs on John.

Toby Ziegler:
He's giving a speech at a semiconductor plant. The title of the speech is, "Clean Air Industry in the High-tech Corridor of the Industrial Northeast."

Leo McGarry:
Where?

Toby Ziegler:
Nashua... New Hampshire.

Leo McGarry:
Toby, nobody, and particularly not Hoynes would be naive enough... what I mean to say is if he's going to New Hampshire for the reason you're thinking he would mask it with something. It wouldn't be an official trip. He'd make up a benign excuse to be up there.

Toby Ziegler:
I know.

Leo McGarry:
So why worry?

Toby Ziegler:
Because it comes in the middle of a three-day camping trip to Killington. [pause] Why does Hoynes think the President isn't going to run again? What's going on, Leo?

Toby Ziegler:
I have no kind of investigative mind. Zero. It took me six days and 23 minutes to figure it out.

Toby Ziegler:
Leo, Hoynes left bread crumbs! He wanted me to find out!

Sam Seaborn:
[speaking about the Equal Rights Amendment] How can you have an objection to something that says...

Ainsley Hayes:
Because it's humiliating. A new amendment we vote on declaring that I am equal under the law to a man, I am mortified to discover there's reason to believe I wasn't before. I am a citizen of this country, I am not a special subset in need of your protection. I do not have to have my rights handed down to me by a bunch of old, white, men. The same Article 14 that protects you, protects me, and I went to law school just to make sure.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[having divulged his medical condition to Toby] Are you pissed because I didn't tell you, or are you pissed because fifteen people knew before you did?

Leo McGarry:
We're not going to stop, soften, detour, postpone, circumvent, obfuscate or trade a single one of our goals to allow for whatever extracurricular nonsense is coming our way in the next few days, weeks and months.

Toby Ziegler:
When did we decide this?

Leo McGarry:
Just now.

Abbey Bartlet:
Oh, Oliver. Do you know what peripheral neuropathy indicates?

Oliver Babish:
No, but I don't really care that much.

Abbey Bartlet:
You all right?

Sam Seaborn:
Yes ma'am.

Abbey Bartlet:
Sure you don't want some acetylsalicylic acid?... Aspirin, my brother.

Sam Seaborn:
What a dumb major you had.

President Josiah Bartlet:
More than any time in recent history, America's destiny is not of our own choosing. We did not seek nor did we provoke an assault on our freedom and our way of life. We did not expect nor did we invite a confrontation with evil. Yet the true measure of a people's strength is how they rise to master that moment when it does arrive. 44 people were killed a couple of hours ago at Kennison State University. Three swimmers from the men's team were killed and two others are in critical condition. When, after having heard the explosion from their practice facility, they ran into the fire to help get people out. Ran *in* to the fire. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels tonight. They're our students and our teachers and our parents and our friends. The streets of heaven are too crowded with angels, but every time we think we have measured our capacity to meet a challenge, we look up and we're reminded that that capacity may well be limitless. This is a time for American heroes. We will do what is hard. We will achieve what is great. This is a time for American heroes and we reach for the stars. God bless their memory, God bless you and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

Sam Seaborn:
[on his answering machine] Hi, it's Sam. I'm sleeping for a few hours right now so you can leave a message, or if you really need me you can shout into the machine, and I'll wake up.

Josh Lyman:
SAM!

C.J. Cregg:
[quoting a radio show host] "This is another sign that Abbey Bartlet is a liberal elitist feminist."

Bruno Gianelli:
Elitist feminist? You can't do that to the English language.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I didn't know you were superstitious.

Charlie Young:
I'm not. Plus, there are tribes in South America who don't think a photograph's a good idea to begin with.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah...

Charlie Young:
You ever see any pictures on my desk?

President Josiah Bartlet:
No.

Charlie Young:
You ever wonder why?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Charlie, just out of curiosity, in your mind, how much time do I spend thinking about your desk?

Charlie Young:
Fair point, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
How long have we been talking about this now?

Charlie Young:
A couple of minutes...

President Josiah Bartlet:
OK, let's not tell anybody that.

Bruno Gianelli:
[after hearing the President give a inspiring speech] When did you write that last part?

Sam Seaborn:
In the car.

Bruno Gianelli:
[pause] Freak.

Josh Lyman:
Whoa, hey, danger Will Robinson.

Sam Seaborn:
Good writers borrow from other writers. Great writers steal from them outright.

Sam Seaborn:
Do we have some sort of condensed, Reader's Digest index of... well, all human knowledge?

Ginger:
We usually just use Margaret.

Charlie Young:
This is Ms Cregg. She's the White House Press Secretary and Senior Counsel to the President. And if she wasn't, she would still be Ms. Cregg. I don't mind you not respecting people. I mind you doing it out loud. I mind you doing it in this building...

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm going to find out anyway. What I lack in memory, I more than make up for with exceptional powers of deductive reasoning.

President Josiah Bartlet:
My powers of deduction are not to be mocked.

Toby Ziegler:
We don't know what the next president is going to face. If we choose someone with vision, someone with guts, someone with gravitas, who's connected to other people's lives and cares about making them better; if we choose someone to inspire us then we'll be able to face what comes our way and achieve things we can't imagine yet.

Nancy McNally:
Leo.

Leo McGarry:
Nancy.

Nancy McNally:
Yeoman Fitzwallace

Percy Fitzwallace:
Dr. McNally

Nancy McNally:
Let's attack.

Leo McGarry:
Who?

Nancy McNally:
Qumar. Let's recommend to the President that we attack.

Leo McGarry:
Why?

Nancy McNally:
'Cause I've had it!

Percy Fitzwallace:
I don't think the UN is going to let us do it for that reason.

Nancy McNally:
That's 'cause you're a sissy. You want peace in the Middle East? Give me a pair of third generation ICBMs and a compass. You got B-2 Spirit stealth bombers over Qumar right now, as if the Qumari Air Defense System requires stealth capability. Just fly in at night and while you're at it could you order the USS Louisiana to fire off a D-5 Trident just to see if it works? What's the worst that could happen?

Percy Fitzwallace:
Is she talking to me?

Nancy McNally:
Yes!

Percy Fitzwallace:
Well 98% of all living organisms within a seven mile radius would die instantly in a torrent of fire.

Nancy McNally:
Admiral Sissymary...

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett:
The happy fun group.

Leo McGarry:
We have reason to believe that in the next 48 hours the Qumari rescue team will announce that they've recovered a military-issue Israeli-made parachute.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett:
They're just allowed to make things up now?

Nancy McNally:
As long as we won't step up and say it was us, they do.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett:
They know it was us, right?

Leo McGarry:
Yeah.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett:
Is that what you think we should do?

Nancy McNally:
Me?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett:
Yeah.

Nancy McNally:
No, I don't. I am, however, beginning to lean towards reducing our nuclear arsenal one at a time if you know what I mean, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlett:
What about you?

Percy Fitzwallace:
Well, I'm with Dr. Strangelove on keeping our military secrets secret.

Anthony:
I don't need a babysitter

C.J. Cregg:
I'm sorry?

Anthony:
I said I don't need a babysitter. B*tch, are you deaf?

C.J. Cregg:
Well, I don't think you do need a babysitter, I-...

Anthony:
[Charlie pushes Anthony against the wall] Whoa, what the hell's the matter with you, dog?

Charlie Young:
This is Miss Cregg. She's the White House Press Secretary and Senior Counselor to the President. And if she wasn't, she would still be Miss Cregg. I don't mind you not respecting people. I mind you doing it out loud. I mind you doing it in this building. You wanna be a punk, fine. But I don't think you've got the size for it. You want to go to juvie, get out, deal and kill cops, okay. But every time you do a crime you get caught. So I think you're gonna have to do something else. Nine o'clock on Saturday mornings I eat breakfast at Cosmos on Delaware. I come here for an hour and do office work, then I go to St. Jude's for an hour to play basketball. You can go to juvie, or you can be at Cosmos at nine o'clock on Saturday morning. It's entirely up to you.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[talking about Josh] And don't you ever slap Josh Lyman around again. That guy is the White House Deputy Chief of Staff. He's not one of your associate producers.

Ted Marcus:
You're right.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Don't screw around with me now, Ted. I'm really not in the mood.

Ted Marcus:
I mean it. You're right.

[the staff is waiting for the President's meeting to end]

Josh Lyman:
How's he doing in there?

Sam Seaborn:
He's got that look on his face like he's thinking about ways to kill himself.

[Leo is exasperated that the President is pushing himself too hard]

Leo McGarry:
Be that way.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Your impersonation of my mother is getting sharper and sharper, you know that?

President Josiah Bartlet:
This is a debate that is obviously going to continue in town halls and city halls and state legislatures and the US House of Representatives. There is a population of this country that seems to focus a great deal of time and energy on this conversation, so much so that I am moved to ask this question: Is there an epidemic of flag-burning going on that I'm not aware of?

Sen. Arnold Vinick:
Ok, let's go win this thing.

Josh Lyman:
Where in the name of all that is holy is Pennsylvania?

President Josiah Bartlet:
[addressing the DNC] Thank you, its been an honor to serve you the past eight years. And now it gives me a great pleasure to introduce to you the leaders of our party and the next President and Vice President of these United States, Matthew Vincente Santos and Leo Thomas McGarry.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
You work for the President. He's going to need you down there.

Charlie Young:
I work for you, sir. Someone else can show him where the Xerox paper is.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Good morning. I have with me members of the FBI team who have taken the lead role in this investigation. The FBI has opened a '7A' - that's a missing persons file - and has assigned Zoey Patricia Bartlet a control number: 7A WF 83429. The 'WF' stands for 'Washington Field Office'.

Glenallen Walken:
In case you boys haven't noticed, I'm one prime rib dinner away from sudden cardiac arrest.

Leo McGarry:
...I'm not prepared to think about politics while we're under terrorist attack. The Republic comes first.

Glenallen Walken:
You know, I'm not the enemy. The things that unite us are far greater than the things that divide us.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Danny Concannon is doing a story alleging we assassinated Abdul Sheriff.

Glenallen Walken:
How are his sources?

Leo McGarry:
He's got it.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
He's looking for a comment

Glenallen Walken:
I suppose throwing him in leg irons and locking him in the basement of the Capitol wouldn't do any good.

Leo McGarry:
We shouldn't comment, sir, not while Zoey Bartlett is missing.

Steve Atwood:
No, we need to get out in front of it, release it before it breaks in the Post.

Toby Ziegler:
Release what? That we violated The Neutrality Act to covertly assassinate an official of a friendly government?

Steve Atwood:
He must not have been too friendly if you decided to shoot him.

Will Bailey:
Sir, acknowledging the assassination destroys a century's worth of progress towards international law.

Steve Atwood:
You guys didn't think about that before you did it?

Josh Lyman:
It wasn't supposed to become public.

Steve Atwood:
Yeah well you tried that before. How did it work out on MS?

Kate Harper:
We have a contingency plan to invade Canada?

Kate Harper:
[to the Canadian Ambassador] Ambassador, listen carefully. An hour ago, I reviewed the United States contingency plan to invade your country.

Will Bailey:
There's a contingency plan...

Kate Harper:
[Interrupting Will] 1789, amended in 1815. The calligraphy is beautiful. And if one more deal is floated in this room, I'm gonna ask DoD to reactive it.

Sam Seaborn:
You ever tried to overthrow the government?

Charlie Young:
N-No sir.

Sam Seaborn:
What the hell's been stopping you?

Kathy:
I'm sorry, Toby's not available to speak on the phone at the moment. No, Sam's not available either. [to C. J] Why is no one available to speak on the phone?

C.J. Cregg:
I don't know, they're all planning my surprise party.

[during a military situation]

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
You know what I was just thinking?

Officer #1:
What's that, Admiral?

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
This is different coffee than we usually have.

Josh Lyman:
You know what, C.J.? I really think I'm the best judge of what I mean, you paranoid Berkeley shiksa feminista... Wow, that was way too far.

C.J. Cregg:
No, no. Well, I've got a staff meeting to go to and so do you, you elitist, Harvard, fascist, missed-the-dean's-list-two-semesters-in-a-row Yankee jackass.

Josh Lyman:
Feel better getting that off your chest there, C.J.?

C.J. Cregg:
I'm a whole new woman.

Josh Lyman:
Toby's right - what's the good of being in power if you can't haul your enemies in for questioning?

[the President wants a disproportionate response to an American plane being shot down]

Leo McGarry:
And do you think ratcheting up the body count is going to act as a deterrent?

President Josiah Bartlet:
You're damn right I do.

Leo McGarry:
Oh, well then you're just as stupid as these guys who think that capital punishment is going to be a deterrent for drug kingpins. As if drug kingpins didn't live their day-to-day lives under the possibility of execution. And their executions are a lot less dainty than ours, and tend to take place without the bother and expense of due process. So, my friend, if you want to start using American military strength as the arm of the Lord, you can do that. We're the only superpower left. You can conquer the world, like Charlemagne. But you'd better be prepared to kill everyone. And you had better start with me because I will raise up an army against you and *I* will beat you.

C.J. Cregg:
I don't care what it is, I care what it looks like.

[Charlie's first line]

Charlie Young:
I-I beg your pardon?

Leo McGarry:
The President's personal aide. They're looking at a kid. You have any problem with a young black man waiting on the President?

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
I'm an old black man and I wait on the President.

Leo McGarry:
The kid's got to carry his bags and...

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
You going to pay him a decent wage?

Leo McGarry:
Yeah.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
You going to treat him with respect in the workplace?

Leo McGarry:
Yeah.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
Then why the hell should I care?

Leo McGarry:
That's what I thought.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
I got some real honest-to-god battles to fight, Leo. I don't have time for the cosmetic ones.

C.J. Cregg:
Hey do you know anything about a story going around about the Secret Service investigating Bertram Coles for threatening the life of the President?

Toby Ziegler:
No.

C.J. Cregg:
Maggie Greeenwald is quoting you as saying the Secret Service investigates all threats made against the President, and it's White House Policy not to comment.

Toby Ziegler:
Yea.

C.J. Cregg:
Did you say that?

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah. Hey, you don't suppose that's how the story got started, do you? You know what, C.J., you tell Bert Coles that Toby Ziegler said there's a new sheriff in town.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
You know, 15 years ago, we took a trip to Egypt, all five of us, saw the pyramids and Luxor, then headed up into the Sinai. We had a guide, a Bedouin man, who called me "Abu el Banat." Whenever we'd meet another Bedouin, he'd introduce me as "Abu el Banat." The Bedouin would laugh and laugh and then offer me a cup of tea. And I'd go and pay them for the tea, and they wouldn't let me. "Abu el Banat" means "father of daughters." They thought the tea was the least they could do.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm not dwelling. I think it's fine. I think we should all spend Christmas at Liz's in-laws.

Abbey Bartlet:
We're invited.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Never again. I still have flashbacks

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
That was fun!... Sanctimonious little guttersnipe sent a great big fat one up and over the plate. Health care reform! From a guy who's still on the fence about the application of leeches!

Carol Fitzpatrick:
...and Toby and Josh are in your office.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What do they want?

Carol Fitzpatrick:
To make fun of you I think.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
And you let them in?

Carol Fitzpatrick:
And got them coffee! [in a bright cheery voice]

Ainsley Hayes:
[disbelieving] Lionel Tribbey thinks hiring me was a great idea.

Leo McGarry:
Why are you surprised?

Ainsley Hayes:
Well, because I'm a Republican, and Lionel Tribbey is... incredibly not.

Ainsley Hayes:
So you lied to me just then.

Leo McGarry:
I'm a politician, Ainsley. Of course I lied to you just then.

Ainsley Hayes:
My first day is getting off to a great start.

Leo McGarry:
I'll be honest with you. I didn't even know we had offices down here.

Ainsley Hayes:
That bodes well for me.

Leo McGarry:
I wonder what else we got down here.

Ainsley Hayes:
Bats, probably?

Leo McGarry:
It's written down here. This is the steam pipe trunk distribution venue.

Ainsley Hayes:
I'm working in the steam pipe trunk distribution venue?

Leo McGarry:
No, you're working in your office.

Ainsley Hayes:
Well... Thank you for the help.

Leo McGarry:
Ainsley, don't worry about Sam or Josh and Toby or C.J. or the Democrats on the hill or Republicans on TV. You're here to serve the President. Anyway... welcome to the White House.

Ainsley Hayes:
The President's way too moderate for your taste.

Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel:
Excuse me?

Ainsley Hayes:
On affirmative action, capital gains, public schools, free trade... You left a lucrative practice in Chicago and a seven-figure income.

[beat]

Ainsley Hayes:
It wasn't out of duty?

Sam Seaborn:
See, I was told you were just going to be working in the Majority Counsel's office, which I wasn't wild about to begin with, but it's my understanding I'd be talking to Brookline and Joyce, seeing as how they work for me.

Ainsley Hayes:
I was taking initiative.

Sam Seaborn:
Well, wasn't that spunky of you.

Ainsley Hayes:
Sam, do you think there's any chance that you could be rude to me tomorrow? Tomorrow is Saturday. I will be here. You can call me and be rude by phone or you can stop by and do it in person. 'Cause I think if I have to endure another disappointment today from this place that I have worshipped, I am gonna lose it. So if you could wait until tomorrow, I would appreciate it.

Sam Seaborn:
[Having discovered in Ainsley Hayes' office a vase of dead flowers with the sign "b*tch" attached to it, Sam realizes that White House staffers Brookline and Joyce are responsible, and soon bursts into their office. White House Chief Counsel Lionel Tribbey enters behind Sam, unnoticed]

Sam Seaborn:
You know what, guys? When I write something, I sign my name. Here, I'll show you.

[grabs Joyce's desk blotter, dashing everything on it to the floor]

Steve Joyce:
SAM!

Sam Seaborn:
Do you have any idea how big a harassment suit you just exposed us to? She just... She works here. Which is more than I can say for either one of you.

[grabbing a pen, he quickly scrawls a message on the blotter as they watch. He holds it up for them to see]

Sam Seaborn:
"You're fired. S. Seaborn."

[throws blotter down]

Mark Brookline:
Sam, I don't know who you think you are around here, but you can't fire us.

Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel:
Ohhh... Yes. He can. Leave here, and don't ever come back. It's time for both of you to write your book now.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You know what I did, just then, that was stupid? I minimized the importance of the statue that was dedicated to Nellie Bly, an extraordinary woman to whom we all owe a great deal.

Abbey Bartlet:
You don't know who she is, do you?

President Josiah Bartlet:
[to himself] This isn't happening to me.

Abbey Bartlet:
She pioneered investigative journalism.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Then she's the one I want to beat the crap out of.

Abbey Bartlet:
She risked her life by having herself committed to a mental institution for ten days so she could write about it. She changed entirely the way we treat the mentally ill in this country.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yes. Abigail...

Abbey Bartlet:
In 1890, she traveled around the world in 72 days, 6 hours, 11 minutes and 14 seconds, besting by more than one week, Jules Verne's 80 days.

President Josiah Bartlet:
She sounds like an incredible woman, Abbey. I'm particularly impressed that she beat a fictional record. If she goes down 21,000 leagues under the sea, I'll name a damn school after her! Let's have sex.

Abbey Bartlet:
When it comes to historical figures being memorialized in this country, women have been largely overlooked. Nellie Bly is just the tip of the iceberg.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I couldn't possibly hear about the rest of the iceberg right now.

Abbey Bartlet:
Elizabeth Blackwell was the first American woman to be awarded an MD. She founded the Women's Medical College...

President Josiah Bartlet:
Keep talking. I'm just gonna sit here and think about plutonium and the things I can do with it.

Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel:
[about Ainsley] Well, forgive me, sir, but when you have a few moments, I would like to discuss the hiring of blonde and leggy fascists whose knowledge does not include the proper order of the alphabet for positions of the White House Counsel's office.

President Josiah Bartlet:
And we will, Lionel, but right now I don't know if you've noticed but there are thirty or forty other people in the room, many of whom have donated significant amounts of money to the Democratic Party, so perhaps you could get a tighter grip on your horses and we will talk about it later.

Lionel Tribbey, White House Counsel:
Yes. Well. Good morning, everyone! Thank you, Mr. President.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Well, obviously, Lionel Tribbey is a brilliant lawyer whom we cannot live without, or there would be very little reason not to put him in prison.

Abbey Bartlet:
Just give him a message for me, would you?

Charlie Young:
Sure.

Abbey Bartlet:
You'll want to write this down.

Charlie Young:
Yes, ma'am.

Abbey Bartlet:
Your blood pressure is 120/80.

Charlie Young:
How did you know that, ma'am?

Abbey Bartlet:
I'm saying his blood pressure.

Charlie Young:
Ah... is 120/80.

Abbey Bartlet:
Yeah. Your EKG shows a good sinus rhythm.

Charlie Young:
Okay.

Abbey Bartlet:
No evidence of ischemic changes.

Charlie Young:
How are we spelling...?

Abbey Bartlet:
Doesn't matter. Your electrolytes and metabolic panels are within normal limits. Chest x-ray is clear, and prostate screens are fine.

Charlie Young:
Okay.

Abbey Bartlet:
So, we can have sex now.

Donna Moss:
I'm doing the radio today.

Sam Seaborn:
What's it about?

Donna Moss:
You don't know what it's about?

Sam Seaborn:
No.

Donna Moss:
You're a speechwriter.

Sam Seaborn:
I'm the Deputy Communications Director. I don't do the radio address.

Donna Moss:
I think this one's about leaves turning.

Sam Seaborn:
Wouldn't be surprised.

Donna Moss:
Will he take it seriously?

Sam Seaborn:
The President?

Donna Moss:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
Why wouldn't he take it seriously?

Donna Moss:
You don't take it seriously.

Sam Seaborn:
I'm not the one who has to read it.

[the President is trying to tape the Saturday morning radio address, but can't get it right]

Engineer:
Okay, let's cut.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Sorry, everybody. This is gonna be it. Four is my lucky number.

Donna Moss:
This is take five, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Five is my lucky number. "Fifth-take Bartlet" - that's what Jack Warner used to call me.

Donna Moss:
Did you really know Jack Warner, Mr. President?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah, because I used to be a contract player in Hollywood and I'm 97 years old.

Engineer:
Saturday morning radio address, take 21.

Donna Moss:
I have a really good feeling about this one, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Is this still my first term?

C.J. Cregg:
[Talking about Ainsley Hayes] I'm going to tell you something, Toby. I don't think it's that she's a Republican, I think it's that she's a Republican woman and she's good-looking.

Toby Ziegler:
Well, those are three things, when in combination, usually spell 'careerism'.

Lionel Tribbey:
Who is this?

Leo McGarry:
This is Ainsley Hayes. She's scared of meeting you, so be nice.

Lionel Tribbey:
Ah, the girl who's been writing the columns.

Leo McGarry:
Yeah.

Lionel Tribbey:
[to Ainsley] You're an idiot.

Ainsley Hayes:
Leo...

Leo McGarry:
She's not an idiot, Lionel. She clerked for Dreifort.

Lionel Tribbey:
Well, Dreifort's an idiot.

Leo McGarry:
Dreifort's a Supreme Court Justice, Lionel, so let's speak of him with respect and practice some tolerance for those who disagree with us.

Lionel Tribbey:
I believe, as long as Justice Dreifort is intolerant toward gays, lesbians, blacks, unions, women, poor people, and the first, fourth, fifth, and ninth amendments, I will remain intolerant toward him.

[grins at Ainsley]

Lionel Tribbey:
Nice to meet you.

[the President and the First Lady can finally have sex after a long time; they are in the Oval office]

Abbey Bartlet:
BP 120 over 80.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Who cares? It's been 14 weeks. Do these curtains close?

Abbey Bartlet:
Not here, Jed.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yes. You're right... where?

Abbey Bartlet:
How about our bedroom?

President Josiah Bartlet:
New Hampshire is an hour and a half by plane. I don't have that kind of time.

Abbey Bartlet:
How about our bedroom in the residence?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yes. We have a bedroom right here in the building. That was so smart.

Abbey Bartlet:
Yes.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Let's go.

Abbey Bartlet:
Jed.

President Josiah Bartlet:
What?

Abbey Bartlet:
Korea? Plutonium?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Oh God... I hate plutonium.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[to the Secret Service agents] Guys, it's very important that nobody tries to kill me in the next hour or so.

Leo McGarry:
Sam Seaborn had this innocent relationship with a girl - bam. Here comes the enemy. I'm a recovering alcoholic. Bam. Radio, TV, magazines, cameras in front of my house, people shouting at my daughter at the ballgame, editorials, op-eds. "He's a drunk. He's dangerous. He should resign."

Ainsley Hayes:
I wrote one of those op-ed pieces.

Leo McGarry:
I know.

Ainsley Hayes:
Mr. Tribbey? I'd like to do well on this, my first assignment. Any advice you could give me that might point me the way of success would be, by me, appreciated.

Lionel Tribbey:
Well, not speaking in iambic pentameter might be a step in the right direction.

General Ed Barrie:
How about we discuss new defense spending being down to three hundred billion from four hundred billion ten years ago. Is that personal?

C.J. Cregg:
No, sir, I think that's about the cold war ending ten years ago and America not needing to spend quite so much money defending itself against a country that can't bake bread.

[Ainsley Hayes is about to meet her new boss, White House counsel Lionel Tribbey]

Leo McGarry:
You're going to meet him right now. It's going to be fine...

Ainsley Hayes:
It's not going to be fine. He's gonna yell, and scream, I've seen him on TV...

Leo McGarry:
Well, that's TV. He's making a full-throated defense of the President. That's what we do. Believe me, in real life, when the cameras are off...

[Lionel Tribbey storms into the office, smacking a cricket bat against the walls with great fury]

Lionel Tribbey:
[screaming] Leo! I will kill people today, Leo. I will kill people with this cricket bat, which was given to me by Her Royal Majesty Elizabeth Windsor, and then I will kill them again with my own hands.

Ainsley Hayes:
You're sending me to the Majority Counsel 'cause I speak Republican.

Toby Ziegler:
His point isn't wholly without merit, Leo.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Take your clothes off.

Abbey Bartlet:
Whatever happened to romance? A couple of cocktails, Mel Torme...

President Josiah Bartlet:
Get 'em off.

Abbey Bartlet:
Okay, I'm going to the bathroom.

Josh Lyman:
Stopping all bipartisan legislation is like saying, "Let's blow up the place. Maybe voters will hire us to rebuild it."

Donna Moss:
Angel [Air Force One] undergoes maintenance every day, whether the plane's gonna be flying or not. Every 154 days, the plane's completely taken apart and put back together again. 24 hours before wheels-up, fuel is sealed in a tank truck and guarded by sharpshooters. One hour before wheels-up, Air Force specialist drain off a gallon and analyze it for purity and the right levels of octane and water. The wiring - and this is gonna be an area - is shielded to protect it from a thermonuclear blast. If you want to sabotage it, you have to get by 48 armed members of the Air Lift Security Unit or join the maintenance crew, which takes 12 years after a two-year background check.

Congressman Mark Richardson:
It's not going to screw you too much?

Toby Ziegler:
No. It'll screw us the regular amount.

Josh Lyman:
[about Navy pilot Vicky Hilton] I guess also, the thing is, that she isn't just any pilot. She's like Jackie Robinson - she's busted a lot of barriers. She's the first woman at Miramar, first woman to fly the F-14 Tomcat - she teaches on an F-14. I guess, at this point I don't have to give you her resume.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
No, but could you tell me more about Jackie Robinson and breaking barriers?

Donna Moss:
You have to go back.

Josh Lyman:
Why?

Donna Moss:
'Cause he's gonna think I'm flaky.

Josh Lyman:
Maybe, but he's not gonna care.

Donna Moss:
Why not?

Josh Lyman:
Guys'll go out with anybody.

Leo McGarry:
Now, please, don't leap into it. Don't...

[Bartlett answers the phone]

President Josiah Bartlet:
There are BIG SIGNS. You CAN'T park there. They *should* get towed. I hope they get towed to Queens, and the Triboro is closed, and there's a big craft show at Shea, a flea market or a tractor show.

[Bartlett hangs up]

Charlie Young:
Well, that was probably his secretary.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Damn it.

Charlie Young:
You can bet she'll be parking in a garage though.

Leo McGarry:
I've got to keep the knucklehead stuff off his desk, and this is worse. This is actually hot-button knucklehead...

Charlie Young:
I don't think you can reasonably ask someone to control who they fall in love with.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I don't know what's worse: being stupid, or pretending to be stupid.

Toby Ziegler:
[to Leo] You're like the guys who say, "Are you telling me you could only find one African-American speech writer good enough to work at the White House?" I'm amazed I found that many. "Good enough to work at the White House" is a pretty small population to begin with. And guys who can write entire sections of a State of the Union? I'd be as surprised if there were as many as nine of us. Sam was one of them.

Leo McGarry:
You're scared of Babish.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Oh, like you're not.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[later] He looks down his nose at me 'cause I'm not a lawyer.

Leo McGarry:
Yes.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I didn't go to law school. I got a PhD in economics instead.

Leo McGarry:
Your parents were very proud.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah, and all that happened was I won a Nobel Prize and got elected President so I guess that decision didn't really pay off.

Leo McGarry:
Yeah.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Should I run back and get my Nobel Prize?

Leo McGarry:
I think he knows you've got one.

Josh Lyman:
You just lurk there in the shadows, like...

Donna Moss:
Whatever.

Josh Lyman:
What are you doing?

Donna Moss:
I'm doing things, things with paper.

Leo McGarry:
[after listening to the President's statement on his MS] What do you think?

White House Counsel Oliver Babish:
I am nowhere close to being able to answer that.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm confident in your loyalty to me; I'm confident in your love for me. If you lie to protect me, if you lie just once, if you lie just a little, if you lie 'cause you can't stand what's happening to me and the people making it happen, if you ever, ever lie, you're finished with me. You understand?

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Say you understand.

Charlie Young:
I understand, sir.

Oliver Babish:
If I stay, will you do exactly what I tell you to do?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I guess it depends.

Oliver Babish:
I'm afraid it can't depend, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[pauses and thinks] What would my first step be?

Oliver Babish:
First tell your staff.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah.

Oliver Babish:
Then, decide how to make a public announcement.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah.

Oliver Babish:
Then, order the attorney general to appoint a special prosecutor. Not just any special prosecutor, the most blood-spitting, Bartlet-hating Republican in the Bar. He's gonna have an unlimited budget and a staff like an army. The new slogan around here is gonna be "Bring it on!" He's gonna have access to every piece of paper you ever touched. If you invoke executive privilege one time, I'm gone. An assistant D.A in Ducksworth wants to take your deposition, you're on the next plane. A freshman Congressman wants your testimony, you'll sit in his kitchen. They wanna drag you to The Hague and charge you with war crimes, what'll we say?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Bring it on.

Sam Seaborn:
You're telling me you've never been to college and after taking two classes this summer you're going to be like, a junior?

Charlie Young:
With a pretty decent G.P.A.

Sam Seaborn:
Charlie, just how smart are you?

Charlie Young:
I've got some game.

Sam Seaborn:
I'm less visually observant than others, but I make up for it.

Lt. Emily Lowenbrau:
How?

Sam Seaborn:
With cunning and guile.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm going to tell you a story and I want you to tell me if I've engaged 16 people in a conspiracy to defraud the public in order to win a Presidential election.

White House Counsel Oliver Babish:
[Looks down at his broken dictaphone, picks up his gavel and destroys it] Okay.

Abbie Bartlet:
Sam Seaborn's very funny.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Which one's he?

Abbie Bartlet:
The young one.

President Josiah Bartlet:
They're all young.

[the FBI have arrested a member of a group which has been bombing black churches in Tennessee]

President Josiah Bartlet:
How'd you get him?

FBI Special Agent Michael Casper:
He was pulled over for a bad brake light and he thought it was something else.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Two-year investigation gets its first crack from a broken taillight.

FBI Special Agent Michael Casper:
In thirteen years with the Bureau, I've discovered that there's no amount of money, manpower or knowledge that can equal the person you're looking for being stupid.

President Josiah Bartlet:
God, well... Some of the stupidest criminals in the world are working right here in America. I've always been very proud of that.

Sen. Maj. Counsel Cliff Calley:
That's where you're going with this?

[surprise line of questioning]

Rep. Darren Gibson, R-MI:
Yeah.

Sen. Maj. Counsel Cliff Calley:
Just to embarrass the guy.

Rep. Darren Gibson, R-MI:
Just?

Sen. Maj. Counsel Cliff Calley:
Leo McGarry's sobriety isn't the subject of these hearings. These hearings are to investigate if any rules, ethical or otherwise, were broken by Jed Bartlet while he was running for President.

Rep. Darren Gibson, R-MI:
That's nice, but I live in the actual world, where the object of these hearings is to win.

Sen. Maj. Counsel Cliff Calley:
No, it's not.

Rep. Darren Gibson, R-MI:
It's the object of the majority.

Sen. Maj. Counsel Cliff Calley:
Not while I'm the majority counsel it's not; this is bush league. This is why good people hate us, this, right here, this thing... And if you proceed with this line of questioning, I will resign this committee and wait in the tall grass for you Congressman, because you are killing the party.

Atty. Jordon Kendall:
I don't understand how you could have a drink. I don't understand how after everything you worked for - how, on that day of all days, you could be so stupid.

Leo McGarry:
That's because you think it has something to do with smart and stupid. Do you have any idea how many alcoholics are in Mensa? You think it's a lack of willpower? That's like thinking somebody with anorexia nervosa has an overdeveloped sense of vanity...

FBI Special Agent Michael Casper:
Listen, churches are burning down. Otherwise, I'd be hitting on you.

Sam Seaborn:
Where'd you get the bathrobe?

Carol Fitzpatrick:
The gym.

Sam Seaborn:
There are bathrobes at the gym?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
In the women's locker room.

Sam Seaborn:
But not the men's.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
Now, that's outrageous. There's a thousand men working here and 50 women.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yeah, and it's the *bathrobes* that's outrageous.

Mark Gottfried:
C.J.'s not wearing any pants.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yes.

Mark Gottfried:
No pants whatsoever.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
It's cable!

Charlie Young:
Ma'am, I'd like you to bear in mind that I'm not wearing pads or a helmet, or contact gear of any kind.

Sam Seaborn:
And please don't forget you're a blonde, Republican girl, and that nobody likes you.

Ainsley Hayes:
I'm going back on television right now.

Sam Seaborn:
Try and remember you're on our side.

Toby Ziegler:
In fact, it doesn't say that at all. The only way it says that is if you remove some words from it.

Sam Seaborn:
You need anything?

Josh Lyman:
A lightning bolt, a key, and a kite.

Josh Lyman:
Joey? Can I ask you what may be a silly question?

Joey Lucas:
Sure.

Josh Lyman:
It's not possible, is it, for us to just open up one of these computers with a screwdriver and get the numbers that are in there, right?

Joey Lucas:
Why did you think that'd be a silly question?

Abbey Bartlet:
You kicked off your re-election campaign and I'm sitting here eating a sandwich 'cause we had a deal.

Abbey Bartlet:
I don't want to be pissed at anyone, but thanks for asking. And I don't need to be told who the architect of tonight's speech was.

Abbey Bartlet:
Jed, you know what? I'm not your mommy.

Toby Ziegler:
...if you combine the populations of Great Britain, France, Germany, Japan, Switzerland, Sweden, Denmark and Australia, you'll get a population roughly the size of the United States. We had 32,000 gun deaths last year, they had 112. Do you think it's because Americans are more homicidal by nature? Or do you think it's because those guys have gun control laws?

Ainsley Hayes:
I'm an associate counsel. The Chinese food guy's got more access than I do.

Mark Gottfried:
And yet they have you out here speaking for the White House.

Ainsley Hayes:
Yeah. It's a really big night for me!

Dolores Landingham:
When the President inquires into the First Lady's bookkeeping, the First Lady gets angry with him and yells.

Charlie Young:
Well, she's going to get angry and yell when I inquire into it, too.

Dolores Landingham:
Well, the President doesn't care so much about that.

Charlie Young:
Yeah. [beat] Okay. [beat] This is a good job.

Dolores Landingham:
I saw you on TV.

Charlie Young:
Cool.

Donna Moss:
You have to ask a girl out on a date. You can't just randomly tumble into a girl sideways and hope she breaks up with you soon, the way you always do.

Josh Lyman:
Why not?

Donna Moss:
Because you can't!

Josh Lyman:
You just said I always do.

Donna Moss:
Josh, I can help you or I can not help you. It's up to you.

Josh Lyman:
Then I absolutely choose not helping me.

Donna Moss:
You want me to ask her out for you?

Josh Lyman:
Yeah. That's exactly what I want you to do.

Donna Moss:
[Joey walks in] Joey...

Josh Lyman:
Sit down.

Sam Seaborn:
How have you never met the President?

Ainsley Hayes:
I haven't.

Sam Seaborn:
You've been working here three months.

Ainsley Hayes:
He works in the Oval Office and I work in the Steam Pipe Trunk Distribution Venue. I can't believe we haven't run into each other.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[upon meeting Ainsley for the first time in her office, there is loud music playing]

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
What's up?

Ainsley Hayes:
[wearing a robe, throws her drink across the room]

Ainsley Hayes:
Oh, Mr. President!

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
I never even knew we had a night club down here.

Ainsley Hayes:
Oh, my gosh!

Sam Seaborn:
Mr. President, I don't believe you have met Ainsley Hayes.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Yeah Ainsley, I wanted to say hello, and to mention, you know, uh, a lot of people assumed you were hired because you were a blonde Republican sex kitten, and well they're obviously wrong. Keep up the good work.

[Charlie is waking up the President]

Charlie Young:
Sir, I need you to dig in now. It wasn't a nightmare. You really are the President.

[Justice Mendoza has been wrongfully arrested]

Toby Ziegler:
Hello, Mr. Justice. How are you?

Judge Roberto Mendoza:
Incarcerated, Toby. How are you?

Josh Lyman:
Uh, long story short - you're going to be reading a bit today about your secret plan to fight inflation.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh Lyman:
No.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Why am I going to be reading that I do?

Josh Lyman:
It was suggested in the press room that you did.

President Josiah Bartlet:
By who?

Josh Lyman:
By me.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You told the press I have a secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh Lyman:
No, I did not. Let me be absolutely clear I did not do that. Except yes, I did that.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Josh, I'm a little confused.

Josh Lyman:
Sir, there was this idiotic round robin. It was sarcastic! There's no way they didn't know that. They were just mad at me for imposing discipline and calling them stupid.

Danny Concannon:
[Josh is about to do a press briefing when Danny approaches him] You're not gonna do this.

Josh Lyman:
Do the briefing?

Danny Concannon:
You're not gonna do this.

Josh Lyman:
I talk to reporters all the time.

Danny Concannon:
You really don't want to do this.

Josh Lyman:
Let me tell you something, mi compadre. You guys have been coddled. I'm not your girlfriend, I'm not your camp counselor, and I'm not your sixth-grade teacher you had a crush on. I'm a graduate of Harvard and Yale and I believe that my powers of debate can rise to meet the Socratic wonder that is the White House press corps.

[heads to the podium]

Danny Concannon:
Okey-dokey.

Josh Lyman:
[Leo has to meet with the President in the morning to discuss a series of mishaps involving the staff] Can I say something?

Leo McGarry:
What?

Josh Lyman:
A lot of this is our fault. And the President probably isn't going to take this very well and we just want you to know that we will be there with you in spirit tomorrow morning.

Leo McGarry:
You're gonna be there with me in every way imaginable, Josh.

Josh Lyman:
You bet.

Sgt. MacNamara:
[explaining his arrest of Roberto Mendoza for suspicion of drunk driving] I'm the one that pulled him over, you know. His driving was erratic. Still not entirely convinced he hadn't been drinking.

Sam Seaborn:
Well, you have a problem there.

Sgt. MacNamara:
What's that?

Sam Seaborn:
Judge Mendoza has chronic persistent hepatitis, which is a non-progressive form of liver inflammation. If he'd had enough to drink to blow point one on the blood-alcohol, he'd be dead right now. [drinks from coffee cup] This is good coffee.

Judge Roberto Mendoza:
You pull all the strings you want, Toby, but not for me. Come Monday, I'm gonna avail myself of the criminal justice system for which I have worked my entire adult life.

Toby Ziegler:
Judge, due respect. Get your things and let's go.

Judge Roberto Mendoza:
[angrily] My kid was in the car, Toby. They patted me down and they handcuffed me in front of my nine-year-old boy. Then he and his mother got to see them put me in the squad car and drive away.

Toby Ziegler:
He's also seen you wearing a robe with a gavel in your hand.

Judge Roberto Mendoza:
He doesn't understand that. He doesn't know what that is. He understands what the police are because he watches television. That's what he's gonna remember, his father being handcuffed. So America just got another pissed-off guy with dark skin.

Josh Lyman:
[C.J. appears with an obviously a swollen cheek] What the hell happened?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I had woot canaw.

Josh Lyman:
What happened to your cheeks?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I had woot canaw.

Josh Lyman:
Why are you talking like that?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I HAD WOOT CANAW!

Josh Lyman:
[smiling] Yeah, I heard you the first time. I was just amusing myself.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I can suggest some othew things you can do wiff yourseff.

Josh Lyman:
[Toby has phoned Josh to tell him that he and Sam are lost] Toby, how hard can it be to find the Wesley police station?

Toby Ziegler:
I don't know, Josh, but while we're looking, can you tell me a little more about the President's secret plan to fight inflation?

Josh Lyman:
[brief pause] How long before you let up on me on that?

Toby Ziegler:
Oh, it's gonna take a little while, I would think.

Sam Seaborn:
There's a store open up there. I'm gonna pull over and ask 'em if they know where the Wesley police station is.

Toby Ziegler:
Or you could just pull in there, [points] at the Wesley police station and ask them.

Sam Seaborn:
Hey!

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
Look!

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah.

Josh Lyman:
The hardest job in the White House is the President. The second hardest job is not Chief of Staff, it's not National Security Advisor, and it's not Press Secretary, although I'm gaining a certain amount of respect for Press Secretaries. The second hardest job in the White House belongs to a 21-year-old kid named Charlie Young. He's what's called the President's body man, his personal aide. He's with the President morning to night. He has a range of responsibilities, all of them difficult. But the one he hates most in this: From time to time it is his job to wake the President up in the morning. And on this particular morning, the President had gone to sleep only three hours earlier.

Josh Lyman:
First, I'm happy to tell you that the incident involving Secretary O'Leary and Congressman Wooden has been dispensed with... though not really, and I'll get to that at the end. Sam asked C.J. to move the briefing to two o'clock so that we could fold in the teachers. C.J. had emergency root canal surgery at noon and so was unable to brief.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Who did?

Josh Lyman:
I did.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Oh, God.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Okay, before we go on - C.J., if blood is gushing from the head wound you just received from a stampeding herd of bison, you'll do the press briefing.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yes sir.

Toby Ziegler:
[Toby is in a jail cell with Judge Mendoza who's been erroneously arrested for drunk driving] One phone call, Judge. "Toby, this has happened. Tell them my name's Roberto Mendoza and the President's named me to the bench!"

Judge Roberto Mendoza:
They pulled me over because I look like my name is Roberto Mendoza and I'm coming to rob your house.

Toby Ziegler:
There's nothing about this that doesn't stink. If it were me, I'd want to extract vengeance, and I'd say "Let justice be done." I'd also want to spend some time in a dark room alone, so that I didn't have to face my wife and my son and have them see my humiliation. Rob, I can't get this done if this is the story. Can't get it done. Nothing about this that doesn't stink. And nothing about it that wouldn't be better if you were a Supreme Court Justice. Let me take you to the motel. Go see your boy.

Toby Ziegler:
It's your lucky night, officers. There isn't going to be a report, there isn't going to be an investigation, no one's getting suspended. And no one's filing a hundred million dollar lawsuit against the county that they would almost surely win. But in this room, you're gonna apologize to Mr. Mendoza. And then you're gonna get in your squad car and you're gonna follow us and you're gonna apologize to his son.

Sgt. MacNamara:
Judge Mendoza, we sincerely apologize for our mistake.

Judge Roberto Mendoza:
Thank you.

Toby Ziegler:
Let's go.

Toby Ziegler:
Have you fallen on your head?

Josh Lyman:
Toby... Listen...

Toby Ziegler:
Have you fallen down and hit your head on something hard?

C.J. Cregg:
I'm experiencing some pain.

Sam Seaborn:
For how long?

C.J. Cregg:
About a month now, but it'll go away by itself.

Sam Seaborn:
When?

C.J. Cregg:
When I die, Sam.

Leo McGarry:
Mr. President, we experienced a few public relations - what's the word?

Toby Ziegler:
Catastrophes.

Leo McGarry:
...incidents, in the few hours you were away last night.

Toby Ziegler:
Something really kinda freakish about you, you know that?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm tired, I'm cranky, and my wife's in Argentina. Let's get this over with.

Danny Concannon:
[At a press conference] Is the reason you won't tell us about it that it's a secret?

Josh Lyman:
Yeah, Danny. We have a secret inflation plan.

Danny Concannon:
I'm sorry, Mr. President. You didn't answer the question.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I was hoping you weren't going to notice that, Danny.

Deborah O'Leary, Secretary of Housing & Urban Development:
Leo, If I've got to go and ask Wooden for forgiveness, he's going to lord it over me from now until the end of time.

Leo McGarry:
It's the cost of doing business.

Officer Peter:
You walk in here, you tell me you work for the President...

Sam Seaborn:
[looks at officer's name tag] Officer Peter, we're in a certain amount of trouble tonight and the only thing I've got going for me is that you're in more trouble than we are. My name is Sam Seaborn, I work for the President and the sooner you reach the conclusion that I'm telling you the truth the better off we're all gonna be. Why don't you go get your watch commander?

[Officer Peter leaves the room. Sam turns to Toby]

Sam Seaborn:
Let me tell you something. If we'd have stayed on the Merritt parkway instead of getting off on exit 29 and going east to Greenwich, I don't think we'd have wound up in Bridgeport so many times.

Toby Ziegler:
Shut up.

Josh Lyman:
We decided to move the press briefing to 2 to cover the teachers. But C.J. had emergency Root Canal at noon and was unable to do the briefing.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Who did the briefing?

Josh Lyman:
I did.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Oh, God.

Josh Lyman:
[after his disastrous press briefing] Donna, call up Toby's office and see if he was watching.

Toby Ziegler:
[From off camera] Where the hell is he?

Josh Lyman:
Never mind.

C.J. Cregg:
[C.J. had a root canal, and can't speak clearly] I can't do the bwiefing... I can't even say bwiefing!

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
...'Joy cometh in the morning,' scripture tells us. I hope so. I don't know if life would be worth living if it didn't. And I don't yet know who set off the bomb at Kennison State. I don't know if it's one person or ten, and I don't know what they want. All I know for sure, all I know for certain, is that they weren't born wanting to do this. There's evil in the world, there'll always be, and we can't do anything about that. But there's violence in our schools, too much mayhem in our culture, and we can do something about that. There's not enough character, discipline, and depth in our classrooms; there aren't enough teachers in our classrooms. There isn't nearly enough, not nearly enough, not nearly enough money in our classrooms, and we can do something about that. We're not doing nearly enough, not nearly enough to teach our children well, and we can do better, and we must do better, and we will do better, and we will start this moment today! They weren't born wanting to do this.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
Claudia Jean.

C.J. Cregg:
Sailor...

C.J. Cregg:
Twenty-five years ago, half of all 18- to 24-year-olds voted. Today it's 25%. 18- to 24-year-olds represent 33% of the population but only account for 7% of the voters. Think government isn't about you? How many of you have student loans to pay? How many have credit card debt? How many want clean air and clean water and civil liberties? How many want jobs? How many want kids? How many want their kids to go to good schools and walk on safe streets? Decisions are made by those who show up. You gotta rock the vote!

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
All this posturing is a preamble to something.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Yeah, listen, I don't think this is going to come as a galloping shock to anyone here, but last May, I ordered a Special Ops Unit to kill Abdul Shareef, and that's what they did, and we made it look like what got reported.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Well, here's my question: These guys look pretty young to me, and I'm looking for something very specific with this detail. This is a father-daughter situation, and so, I think what I'm looking for in terms of protection would best be characterized as... well, overwhelming force.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
[to Wesley] Before I forget: if something comes up, and you're faced with the choice of killing the boyfriend or not killing the boyfriend... kill the boyfriend.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Look at you! There is no way you have three adult children.

Abbey Bartlet:
You like the suit.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I do, but the neck... eh, it seems empty to me. Attention should be drawn to it.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
[whips out a jewelery box]

Abbey Bartlet:
Ohhhh...

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Nice job with the, you know, raising of the kid.

Donna Moss:
You have to get Josh... His sister died in a fire while she was baby-sitting him. She... tried to put it out, he ran outside. He... went off campaigning, his father died. He wakes up in a hospital and discovers the President's been shot. He goes through every day worried that somebody he likes is gonna die, and it's gonna be his fault. What do you think makes him walk so fast? Anyway, when you look at the list of replacements and said, "That's a windfall!" what he heard was "Thank you Josh, you did it again! More for us."

Secret Service Agent Wesley:
You know I can kill you and just make up the reason why I did, right?

Toby Ziegler:
Where's our hundred days? Where's our Great Society? Where's our New Frontier? Somebody's got to do what we came here to do.

Josh Lyman:
Tell him there's no such thing as as free launch!

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
She [Abby Bartlet] has to be here to want things... and you don't have to be here at all!

[while discussing the importance of funding the superconducting supercollider - a controversial scientific project that would cost billions]

Sen. Jack Enlow, D-IL:
If we can only say what benefit this thing has. No one's been able to do that.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
That's because great achievement has no road map. The X-Ray is pretty good, and so is penicillin, and neither were discovered with a practical objective in mind. I mean, when the electron was discovered in 1897, it was useless. And now we have an entire world run by electronics. Haydn and Mozart never studied the classics. They couldn't. They invented them.

Sam Seaborn:
Discovery.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
What?

Sam Seaborn:
That's the thing that you were... Discovery is what. That's what this is used for. It's for discovery.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Look, obviously we knew that this was going to be a thing, but it doesn't have to be tonight, right?

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
No, absolutely not. I shall take it up with Gerald.

Abbey Bartlet:
Who's Gerald?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I'm pretty sure he means Leo.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
Hmm. Oh, do you have a new Chief of Staff?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
No.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
Well, then Gerald it is!

Abbey Bartlet:
Here we go. Awasiwi Odinak - far from the things of man. When Jed first took me to his house, which is 25 miles from anywhere, he said, "Awasiwi Odinak: Far from the things of man." What a jackass.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I'm gonna open the wine.

Abbey Bartlet:
The wine is a '95 Old Vine zinfandel from Hog Cellars, which once belonged to King Boudouin of Belgium, and is best sipped while making anagrams out of the phrase, "My husband's an enormous jackass!"

Abbey Bartlet:
Where have you been all night?

Donna Moss:
Well, it's a little tough to explain, ma'am.

Abbey Bartlet:
Tougher to explain than secretly prescribing Betaseron?

Donna Moss:
It turns out I'm not an American citizen, so Secret Service wanted me to talk to INS.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What?

Donna Moss:
I was born in Warroad, Minnesota, only I wasn't, 'cause INS just clarified the border and it's now in Manitoba.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You're not an American?

Donna Moss:
Missed it by four miles.

Amy Gardner:
You seem pretty calm about it.

Donna Moss:
No, I'm very upset. I don't know the words to my national anthem. I've been throwing out Canadian pennies my whole life. I've been making fun of the Queen! We don't do that.

Josh Lyman:
You went over my head and you did it behind my back.

Amy Gardner:
Quite the contortionist am I.

Abbey Bartlet:
Claudia Jean?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yes, ma'am?

Abbey Bartlet:
Let's get drunk.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
[surprised] Oh, okay. [Abbey walks off. C.J. follows]

Amy Gardner:
Canadian, huh?

Donna Moss:
Yeah.

Amy Gardner:
You feel funnier?

Donna Moss:
No, but I am developing a massive inferiority complex.

[Canadian National Anthem is playing with two Canadian flags raised in front of the party]

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
[yells] What the hell is going on?

Abbey Bartlet:
Shh.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I was gone for 45 minutes. They were all Americans when I left.

Donna Moss:
I know exactly how you feel, Mr. President.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
[Lord Marbury is drunk] Abigail, may I grasp your breasts?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm standing right here!

Abbey Bartlet:
You may kiss my cheek.

[British Ambassador Lord John Marbury joins the President and First Lady at her birthday gala celebration]

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
Abigail!

President Josiah Bartlet:
Now it's a party.

Abbey Bartlet:
Oh. Yes, your lordship.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
Your breasts are magnificent.

Abbey Bartlet:
Oh. Um... thank you, John.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
May I inquire, Mr. President - the first thing that attracted you to Abigail - was it her magnificent breasts?

Abbey Bartlet:
It was.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You know John, there are places in the world where it might be considered rude to talk about the physical attributes of another man's wife.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
My god. Really?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
I'm not an instigator.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yes, you are.

Sam Seaborn:
Yeah, but I'm on the side of the angels.

Toby Ziegler:
Can I call you John?

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
I am John, Lord Marbury, Earl of Croy, Marquess of Needham and Dolby, Baronet of Brycey, England's ambassador to the United States, and a terrorist is a terrorist even if he wears a green necktie and sings "Danny Boy". Yes, you can call me John.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Can you leave me alone? I'm trying to be a husband and your mojo is getting all over me.

Sam Seaborn:
You're not in any way a helpful person.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Don't have to be. I have tenure.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
Toby, despite appearances, I do have lucid... moments.

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
You're involving yourself in a centuries old conflict without sufficient regard for history. Listen to the warning of old friends. It was Kipling who warned to expect "the blame of those ye better, and the hate of those ye guard."

Toby Ziegler:
And wasn't it James Joyce who said, "History is a nightmare from which I'm trying to awake."

Brit. Ambassador Lord John Marbury:
Yes, but it was your own great Irish master, Eugene O'Neill, who said, "There is no present or future, only the past happening over and over again... now."

Sam Seaborn:
And now the student becomes the teacher, huh?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Not really, no.

Sam Seaborn:
Okay. So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
No.

Sam Seaborn:
Any?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
You were bad at it.

Sam Seaborn:
No, I wasn't.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
I just needed a little encouragement.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
No.

Sam Seaborn:
Look. Congress isn't going to fund your damn superconductor. All right?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Supercollider. Superconducting supercollider. This is exactly what I'm talking about. A 54-mile tunnel 150 feet below ground, in which protons and antiprotons would be flung into each other at the speed of light. Can you remember that?

Sam Seaborn:
Yes.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Good. Because when you talk about it, you shouldn't sound like an idiot.

Sam Seaborn:
And now the student becomes the teacher, huh?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Not really, no.

Sam Seaborn:
Okay. So did I disappoint you when I didn't go into physics?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
No.

Sam Seaborn:
Why?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
You were bad at it.

Sam Seaborn:
No, I wasn't.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
I just needed a little encouragement.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
No.

Sam Seaborn:
Look. Congress isn't going to fund your damn superconductor. All right?

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Supercollider. Superconducting supercollider. This is exactly what I'm talking about. A 54-mile tunnel 150 feet below ground, in which protons and antiprotons would be flung into each other at the speed of light. Can you remember that?

Sam Seaborn:
Yes.

Dr. Dalton Millgate:
Good. Because when you talk about it, you shouldn't sound like an idiot.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[practicing for a debate] I don't support racial profiling.

Sam Seaborn:
[playing the part of a debate challenger] Your nominee for Attorney General did. Can you tell us why you nominated him?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Why?

Sam Seaborn:
Yes.

President Josiah Bartlet:
'Cause bite me, that's why.

C.J. Cregg:
It's a legitimate question.

President Josiah Bartlet:
It's been almost four years, Sam. How long do you want to say "I told you so?"

Josh Lyman:
He wasn't saying "I told you so," sir. We need an answer on Rooker.

President Josiah Bartlet:
What's wrong with "Bite me"?

Josh Lyman:
I think we'd lose.

Toby Ziegler:
Not in New Jersey.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I agreed to be locked up with you people for forty-eight hours. How much time do I have left?

Leo McGarry:
Forty-seven hours, forty-one minutes.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[to Leo] Honey, if we're going to have this fight, can we not do it front of the Joint Chiefs? It just scares the Hell out of them.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Apparently, eight Israeli Thunder fighters - these are also known as American-made Boeing F-15E Strike Eagles - have hit two terrorist bases in the north and south of Qumar, and while no Qumari government personnel or institutions were destroyed, Qumar, of course, considers an attack on its soil to be an act of war. So we are, as always, one bad bottle of tequila away from all-out war in West Asia.

[pauses, turns to Sam]

President Josiah Bartlet:
Would you like to get this one, or shall I?

Sam Seaborn:
Why don't you get this one, and I'll get... the next one.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Okay.

Toby Ziegler:
It's not a good out-loud word.

Josh Lyman:
You're asking me to do that which I don't want to do, right?

Josh Lyman:
I should be sitting at my desk right now. Do I have a desk yet?

Donna Moss:
No.

Josh Lyman:
Okay. Then I'll just... walk around some more... see if I can get into a pick-up meeting.

Toby Ziegler:
See, I lent voice to thought and that was my mistake.

Josh Lyman:
Why don't you just do your job as a man and get that nice girl pregnant?

Donna Moss:
Schadenfreude?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You know, enjoying the suffering of others. The whole rationale behind the House of Representatives.

Leo McGarry:
I've got a cap gains tax cut tacked on to an appropriations bill, two Bronze Age civilizations threatening to blow each other up over some goats and a major ally that's gonna to be in the lobby leafing through dog-eared copies of Congressional Quarterly while the President is singing "Kumbaya"! I want the President back here now, C.J! This was your idea, fix it!

Leo McGarry:
Anything new on Carrick?

Josh Lyman:
Yeah. He's a Republican.

Leo McGarry:
Newer?

Leo McGarry:
Nobody's happy you lost Carrick, but we're all about moving forward, and we can't do that without you. I do, however, have to take you out to the woodshed and whack you with a 2x4.

Josh Lyman:
Carrick was never really a Democrat. Word is he was working the Republicans...

[Leo leans back in his chair in disinterest]

Josh Lyman:
I'm sorry. Whack away.

Leo McGarry:
[sitting up straight] Maybe the camel's back was already broken, but you gave him the straw. And then you drove over him with a tank.

Leo McGarry:
You are no longer the guy who picks losing candidates and ushers them to their principled end. You're the guy who takes good men and makes them great. You and Josh, you still think you're terriers barking at the heels of the party. You are the party. Rafferty's a spoiler, shouldn't be in the race.

Toby Ziegler:
I'm not sitting this one out, Leo.

Leo McGarry:
Don't. But don't pretend you're still an outsider with a ponytail and a dream, you work in the White House... Your brother didn't have any more fight in him. You still do.

Ronna:
[Josh is in a hotel lobby and has just learned that some coworkers are sleeping together] You might have had an easier year of it if you had "come on board". 6 tomorrow morning right? [Ronna goes to the bar and kisses a female associate]

Josh Lyman:
Wow, Cindy? Did you know that?

Donna Moss:
About Ronna and Cindy?

Josh Lyman:
Any of them?

Donna Moss:
Yes.

Josh Lyman:
Which one?

Donna Moss:
All of them.

Josh Lyman:
Wow. Did you ever "come on board"?

Donna Moss:
[seductively] No.

Josh Lyman:
Never at a campaign thing?

Donna Moss:
No. [walks over and sits next to Josh]

Josh Lyman:
You want another drink?

Donna Moss:
No. [she stands up and walks toward the elevator. Josh picks up his drink, swallows in one sip than sets it down to follow]

Congressman Matthew Santos:
America has lost a giant tonight, and I have lost a friend. Leo McGarry dedicated his life to public service. To the notion that every citizen is responsible for making this country a better place. That we have a sacred duty to participate in our democracy. To leave America stronger for the next generation. If I win this election, the country will be worse off because Leo McGarry will not be there to help me run it. But I don't want anyone to vote for or against me because of Leo McGarry. This race wasn't about him and it isn't about me. It's a vision for America that will outlast Leo and outlast me. There is an America that's bigger than any of us, and for those of you who have not yet voted, it is the only thing that should matter when you go to the polls tonight. Thank you.

Josh Lyman:
[Josh and Donna have rushed to the hospital to find out about Leo] Hey

Annabeth Schott:
[Breaking down crying]... He died, Josh.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[President Bartlet is on the phone with his wife when CJ walks in crying] When?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Just a few minutes ago. Donna just called me.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[He walks over to hug her] Thank you, CJ.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Mr. President.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[He picks the phone back up] Sweetheart, I'm sorry. I have some very bad news.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
It's odd, really, watching yourself being replaced on national television. Planned obsolescence. Presidents and mid sized family sedans.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yes, sir. Would you have run again if you could sir?

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
I think Mrs. Bartlet would have had something to say about that, don't you?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Well the electorate can be very persuasive when they want something badly enough.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
In the service of two mistresses these last eight years has been my fate. Thank God for the 22nd Amendment, I'm spared that particular conversation with Abbey.

Josh Lyman:
[Josh is in Leo's hotel room, blaming himself, while the rest of the staff is partying upstairs] I talked him into this.

Donna Moss:
Nobody ever talked Leo into doing something he didn't want to do. And he'd want you upstairs. Not down here. You belong up there. It's your night. He was so proud of you, Josh.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
[CJ has just woken up President Bartlet] You wanted me to wake you when we had a result.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Do we have a winner?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
[smiling] Yes, Sir. We do.

Senator Arnold Vinick:
Get the President-Elect on the phone. [sigh] I want to congratulate him.

Sam Seaborn:
He wrote a concession speech.

Josh Lyman:
Of course he wrote a concession speech. Why wouldn't he? What possible reason would he have for not writing a concession speech?

Sam Seaborn:
The wrath from high atop the thing.

Toby Ziegler:
He upped and said we were gonna...

Josh Lyman:
No, you got to go outside, turn around three times and curse.

Toby Ziegler:
Spit.

Josh Lyman:
Spit and curse.

Toby Ziegler:
Do everything. Go!

Josh Lyman:
Go!

Toby Ziegler:
Go!

Josh Lyman:
Go!

Toby Ziegler:
Go! [Sam gets up and leaves the room]

Sam Seaborn:
You wrote a concession?

Toby Ziegler:
Of course I wrote a concession. You want to tempt the wrath of the whatever from high atop the thing?

Sam Seaborn:
No.

Toby Ziegler:
Then go outside, turn around three times and spit. What the hell's the matter with you?

Josh Lyman:
You didn't ticket split, you voted for every Republican in Wisconsin. I would check. You may have voted for McCarthy.

Sam Seaborn:
[explaining his agreeing to run for Congress] You have to understand. This wasn't something that cost me anything. They weren't going to announce unless Wilde won and that was never going to happen in Orange County. It's like the Secretary of Agriculture saying, "Sure, I'm ready to assume the Presidency should the 18 who come before me die. Why not?"

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Listen, I know better than to stick my face in your personal life except, you know, for sport.

Josh Lyman:
I got it. I read it. It was good stuff. It's possible the salient details escape me.

Charlie Young:
I'm not Officer Krupke. I have a job.

Sam Seaborn:
They may have called that putt a little early.

Toby Ziegler:
The things we do in our lives, many of them are not voluntary.

Toby Ziegler:
These bodies of yours, I don't know how you live with them.

Andrea Wyatt:
You don't seem to mind.

Toby Ziegler:
I like the outsides.

Anthony Marcus:
Who's officer cupcake?

Toby Ziegler:
My kids have heads

Margaret Hooper:
[the Surgeon General is waiting with Margaret outside Leo's office] Red meat has been found to cause cancer in white rats. Maraschino cherries have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Cellular phones have been found to cause cancer in white rats. Has anyone examined the possibility that cancer might be hereditary in white rats?

Surgeon General Millicent Griffith:
Let me tell you something, I'm not a hundred percent sure we've ruled that out.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[to Ellie] The only thing you ever had to do to make me happy was come home at the end of the day.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You know, we're coming up to the good part.

Ellie Bartlet:
Dad, people are trying to watch the movie.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You want to bet me your tuition no one in this room is going to shush me?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Charlie, would you arrange for my middle daughter to come see me at her earliest possible convenience?

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Ah, screw her convenience. Get her ass down here.

Surgeon General Millicent Griffith:
As a doctor, I have an obligation to tell the truth. Come to think of it, as a person I have that obligation as well.

Toby Ziegler:
Can I assume from your total silence and blank faces that you're all with me?

Donna Moss:
In a free society you don't need a reason to make something legal. You need a reason to make something illegal.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Retaliatory tariffs on steel imports are a disaster. Anyone wants to check my math they're more than welcome to. Anybody wants to shove the Golden Gate Bridge up Japan's ass they're more than welcome to do that too.

Josh Lyman:
I always knew the day would come when Sam would start selling off entire states, I was just hoping he'd start with Delaware.

Toby Ziegler:
It couldn't have gone far, right?

Sam Seaborn:
No.

Toby Ziegler:
Somewhere in this building is our talent.

Josh Lyman:
You're quite a nerd, Mr. President.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Really?

Josh Lyman:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I assume that was said with all due respect?

Josh Lyman:
Yes, sir.

John Hoynes:
What do you need?

Danny Concannon:
The Cabinet meeting.

John Hoynes:
What about it?

Danny Concannon:
Anything you want to talk about?

John Hoynes:
Anything I want to talk about?

Danny Concannon:
Yes, sir.

John Hoynes:
Well, you know, now that you mention it, I've been having this recurring dream about killing you.

Mandy Hampton:
I can put a best face on it, Josh. It's what I do.

Josh Lyman:
You can put a best face on a turnpike collision, Mandy.

Danny Concannon:
[asking C.J. out] I enjoy movies, I enjoy music, I'm not wild about ice-skating, but what the hell, I'll do it.

Mandy Hampton:
Are you listening to me?

Toby Ziegler:
Yes.

Mandy Hampton:
What was the last thing I said?

Toby Ziegler:
The last thing you said was: "Are you listening to me?"

Mandy Hampton:
You guys are idiots, did you know that?

C.J. Cregg:
In our own defense, we actually do know that.

Charlie Young:
Sam, tomorrow is the Assistant Transportation Secretary's 50th birthday and Leo wants you to write a message from the President.

Sam Seaborn:
He wants me?

Charlie Young:
Yeah.

Sam Seaborn:
He wants me to write a birthday message for the President?

Charlie Young:
Nancy Becker needs it tonight.

Sam Seaborn:
Are you sure he doesn't want someone who, you know, isn't staggeringly overqualified for the job?

Mandy Hampton:
Would you tell him that signing the bill and, thus, swallowing the bitter pill of strip mining would not foreclose a PR approach that would trumpet banking reforms while at the same time excoriating the special-interest strip-mining scam which, by the way, is what I am happy to call it. Tell him that.

C.J. Cregg:
Toby, Mandy wants you to recommend to the President that we do it her way.

Toby Ziegler:
Did you understand what she said?

C.J. Cregg:
No, but she seemed pretty confident.

[Sam breaks a date with Mallory McGarry]

Sam Seaborn:
This is something that came up, Mallory.

Mallory O'Brian:
It's his 50th birthday, Sam. They couldn't have seen this coming for, like, the last 50 years?

President Josiah Bartlet:
[the President is telling an unenthusiastic Josh about National Parks] Shenandoah National Park. Right here in Virginia. We should organize a staff field trip to Shenandoah. I can even act as the guide. What do you think?

Josh Lyman:
[audibly but under his breath] Good a place as any to dump your body.

President Josiah Bartlet:
What was that?

Josh Lyman:
Did I say that out loud?

President Josiah Bartlet:
See? And I was going to let you go home.

Josh Lyman:
But instead?

President Josiah Bartlet:
We're going to talk about Yosemite.

C.J. Cregg:
First of all: you're wrong. Second of all: shut up. Third: I went to Hoynes with your thing and he said he wasn't the one who talked to you and I believe him and he's really pissed at me and he's right. And fourth:

[thinks what to say]

C.J. Cregg:
shut up again.

John Hoynes:
This just in: the Internet is not a fad.

Sam Seaborn:
Say, you mind if I skip the coffee? I wanna nail this thing.

Leo McGarry:
Oh, forget it. Your first draft was fine.

Sam Seaborn:
I wanna nail it, Leo

Mallory O'Brian:
Sam, the President was in on it. Your first draft was fine.

Sam Seaborn:
Yeah, but still...

Mallory O'Brian:
You wanna nail it

Sam Seaborn:
I do

Mallory O'Brian:
[to Sam about Leo] You're so exactly like him

Sam Seaborn:
Well, that is the nicest thing you've ever said to me. Thank you.

Russian Negotiator Nikolai Ivanovich:
Why must every American president bound out of an automobile like as at a yacht club while in comparison our leader looks like... I don't even know what word is.

Sam Seaborn:
Frumpy?

Russian Negotiator Nikolai Ivanovich:
I don't know what "frumpy" is but onomatopoetically sounds right.

Sam Seaborn:
It's hard not to like a guy who doesn't know frumpy but knows onomatopoeia.

[Discussing C.J.'s security detail]

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You can't come in the briefing room.

Agent Simon Donovan:
A crowded room where anyone can get credentialed and you're up at the podium? No, I'm pretty sure I'll be there.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
This is what you meant by "I'm the boss?"

Agent Simon Donovan:
Ah, yeah, I guess that's more of an honorary thing.

Agent Simon Donovan:
[to C.J. about her protection] By the way, I can't guarantee anything, except to say that if you're dead, chances are I am too.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
You're going to get secret service protection, but I can't order it unless you sign this piece of paper; so sign this piece of paper.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Sir, can I ask why you feel it's necessary?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Because Ron says it is; and around here we do whatever Ron says.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
[C.J. continues to object to Secret Service protection, and President Bartlet interrupts] I don't care. I don't care. You're part of my family and this thing is happening and I simply won't permit it. Sign the piece of paper. Let me tell you something: The last time a member of my staff got a death threat, they missed him and hit me.

Leo McGarry:
I'm sorry, but can we really justify spending $800,000 on "A Bioculutural Approach to Female Sexual Fantasy and Genital Arousal"?

Toby Ziegler:
How can we afford not to?

President Josiah Bartlet:
[after the white house has been fired on] Will, how many fingers am I holding up?

Will Bailey:
Who's Will, sir?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
The substance of things hoped for, and the evidence of things not seen.

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah, but I think what he's asking - Bump ten - I think what he's asking is why, on most other nights, do you think the world's going to hell in a hula hoop, but tonight...?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
We dip twice and eat gefilte fish?

Toby Ziegler:
Suzy Creamcheese, do not attempt the Haggadah.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I know how to bless the soup, too.

Toby Ziegler:
And they're sending in a team of lawyers to look into it?

Will Bailey:
Yeah, but we're scrappy.

Zoey Bartlet:
It's been four years in the White House, another being the daughter of a candidate. Eight years as Governor. My grades get printed in the paper. My boyfriends are in the paper... I live and die with my parents' successes and failures.

Leo McGarry:
We weren't spying on Russia. We were spying *for* Russia.

President Josiah Bartlet:
We were spying *for* him?

Leo McGarry:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Okay. This phone call you're going to set up with Chigorin - it's, like, for a White House bloopers reel or something?

Josh Lyman:
If you're a Republican, you damn well better look like Ainsley Hayes.

Toby Ziegler:
And you got to ask yourself, if no one on the Internet wants a piece of this, just how far from the pack have you strayed?

Joe Quincy:
You know, I though I heard what sounded like gunshots when we were talking before, but I didn't. [pauses] Did you hear the shots?

Josh Lyman:
No, but I heard a brass quintet playing "The First Noel," so I just assumed somebody somewhere was locked and loaded.

Joe Quincy:
You know, not for nothing, but the people I talk to don't believe that story, and the people you'd like don't care.

Josh Lyman:
You know, I'm so sick of Congress, I could vomit.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[after changing Toby's speech without telling him] I looked to the side at one point, you know, I half expected to see you coming at me with a salad fork.

Toby Ziegler:
Well, but for the Secret Service agents restraining me, sir...

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah. Thank God for the Secret Service.

Toby Ziegler:
[under his breath] Oh, bless their hearts.

Sam Seaborn:
How do you feel there, big guy?

Toby Ziegler:
Like I just got screwed with my pants on.

Leo McGarry:
There are two things in the world you never want to let people see how you make 'em - laws and sausages.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You know what Toby?

Toby Ziegler:
Sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
You're what my mother calls a pain in the ass.

Toby Ziegler:
Well, that's what my mother calls it, too, sir.

Sam Seaborn:
Where you going?

Josh Lyman:
Where *you* going?

Sam Seaborn:
I was following you.

Josh Lyman:
I was following you.

[awkward pause]

Josh Lyman:
All right... don't tell anyone this happened, okay?

Sam Seaborn:
Yeah.

[to an affectionate couple as he passes them in a hallway]

President Josiah Bartlet:
Hey there, fella. She deserves a nice room and some supper.

C.J. Cregg:
[to Josh on the phone regarding Donna] Didn't you teach her not to engage with a chicken?

Representative Matthew Santos:
Good Evening. I'm running for President. And if you don't know who I am, I wouldn't be surprised. I've been shut out of tomorrow night's debate for suggesting that it actually *be* a debate, and this is the only ad I can afford. I got in this to improve a broken school system; to fix entitlements, 'cause they're going bankrupt; to expand health coverage, 'cause it'll save money if fewer people show up in emergency rooms. What I've found is that Presidential campaigns aren't about these things. They're about clawing your opponent's eyes out, so long as you don't get tagged for it. So how 'bout this - I will never say anything about my opponents, or anything about anything - without saying it myself, right into the camera. You might not get to hear much of me but when you do, you'll know I stand by it. I'm Matt Santos. And you better believe I approved this ad.

Josh Lyman:
He's going to make the book the final word on the scandal, hold his wife's hand on 'Oprah' and catch the next flight to Iowa.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Yes, God forbid that while talking to 60,000 public school students the President should appear smart.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
That's fine. Just don't show off.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I don't show off. Stevie, 4th grader, P.S. 31 Manhattan, asks, "What is the temperature on Mars?" Well Stevie, if one of our expert panelists were here, they would tell you the average temperature ranges from 15 degrees to minus 140.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
That happens to be wrong. It ranges from 60 to minus 225.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I converted it to Celsius in my head.

Leo McGarry:
The Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee has a...

Josh Lyman:
There's a Citizen's Stamp Advisory Committee?

Leo McGarry:
Yes.

Josh Lyman:
Made up of members of the "There But For the Grace of God Go I" club.

Leo McGarry:
You wanna mock people or you wanna let me talk to Toby?

Josh Lyman:
I wanna mock people.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Where's Sam?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
He's inside hiding from Mallory.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Why is he hiding from Mallory?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Do you really wanna know?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Not at all.

Sam Seaborn:
Oh, like there aren't any pictures of you and a call girl?

Mallory O'Brien:
No. There aren't any pictures of me and a call girl.

Sam Seaborn:
Well, that's a crime.

Leo McGarry:
What are you smiling at?

Josh Lyman:
Nothing, I just... Toby got the stamp assignment.

Toby Ziegler:
Leo, I might need some help.

Leo McGarry:
Take Josh.

Toby Ziegler:
Thanks. Congratulations, you're choosing the next stamp.

Josh Lyman:
Wow, that happened fast.

C.J. Cregg:
We have at our disposal a captive audience of schoolchildren. Some of them don't go to the blackboard or raise their hand 'cause they think they're going to be wrong. I think you should say to these kids, "You think you get it wrong sometimes, you should come down here and see how the big boys do it." I think you should tell them you haven't given up hope and that it may turn up, but, in the meantime, you want NASA to put its best people in a room and you want them to start building Galileo 6. Some of them will laugh and most of them won't care but for some, they might honestly see that it's about going to the blackboard and raising your hand. And that's the broader theme.

C.J. Cregg:
Sam.

Sam Seaborn:
Yeah?

C.J. Cregg:
The President wants us to go to the concert tonight so we can discuss broader themes for the televised classroom.

Sam Seaborn:
Great.

C.J. Cregg:
Great?

Sam Seaborn:
It should be about more than rocks and average rainfall.

C.J. Cregg:
Oh, God, does it rain on Mars?

Sam Seaborn:
No, but I'm saying...

C.J. Cregg:
The White House should develop a broader theme.

Sam Seaborn:
That's right. And I think it's incredible the President's asked the two of us. It's a privilege. And we should attack with energy due the moment...

C.J. Cregg:
Mallory's gonna be there.

Sam Seaborn:
I can't go.

Donna Moss:
Philately's fun, Josh.

Sam Seaborn:
There are a lot of hungry people in the world, Mal, and none of them are hungry 'cause we went to the moon. None of them are colder and certainly none of them are dumber 'cause we went to the moon.

Mallory O'Brian:
And we went to the moon. Do we really have to go to Mars?

Sam Seaborn:
Yes.

Mallory O'Brian:
Why?

Sam Seaborn:
'Cause it's next. 'Cause we came out of the cave, and we looked over the hill and we saw fire; and we crossed the ocean and we pioneered the west, and we took to the sky. The history of man is hung on a timeline of exploration and this is what's next.

Sam Seaborn:
Who's your boyfriend?

Mallory O'Brian:
I don't think...

Sam Seaborn:
What's his name?

Mallory O'Brian:
His name is Richard Andrewchuk.

Sam Seaborn:
There's a hockey player named Richard Andrewchuk.

Mallory O'Brian:
Well, unless there are two of them...

Sam Seaborn:
You're dating Richard Andrewchuk?

Mallory O'Brian:
Yes, and we're having quite a lot of sex.

Sam Seaborn:
I think you'd almost have to.

Mallory O'Brian:
What does that mean?

Sam Seaborn:
What the hell do you and Richard Andrewchuk talk about?

Mallory O'Brian:
He happens to be a terribly bright guy.

Sam Seaborn:
Well, good, because he's a really bad hockey player.

Mallory O'Brian:
He's had injury problems this season.

Sam Seaborn:
From falling down.

C.J. Cregg:
They said modern music. I thought, you know, that meant Jackson Browne.

Charlie Young:
Jackson Browne is modern?

C.J. Cregg:
[sighs] He used to be.

C.J. Cregg:
This time of year, is the water in the Potomac very, very cold?

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah, but if you rub chicken fat all over yourself, it'll insulate.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[to the Russian ambassador] Your paranoia was a lot sexier back when you guys were communists, Nadia.

C.J. Cregg:
So that leaves us with the televised classroom, the green beans...

Josh Lyman:
[under his breath] The stamp.

C.J. Cregg:
...the stamp, and - depending on who those people were that were standing near me - the possibility of a story about me being good in bed.

Toby Ziegler:
Good in bed.

C.J. Cregg:
Yes.

Toby Ziegler:
Why?

C.J. Cregg:
[emphatically] Because I am.

Toby Ziegler:
Okay.

[Of the Mars probe ship Galileo]

Toby Ziegler:
They know it was on course traveling at a rate of 15,400 miles per hour, which it was supposed to. Somewhere during its descent it was also supposed to release two probes - each about the size of a basketball - firing them deep into the ground as part of the mission's search for evidence of water under surface.

Josh Lyman:
We think if we hit the ground hard enough, we can make it to the center of the planet and find water?

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah.

Josh Lyman:
That's not a theory of physics pretty much disproved by Wile E. Coyote?

Josh Lyman:
Leo, ask me how long a Martian day is.

Leo McGarry:
No, I don't think I will.

C.J. Cregg:
Everybody's stupid in an election year, Charlie.

Charlie Young:
No, everybody gets treated stupid in an election year, C.J.

Scott Tate:
Look, I don't want to step on your toes. You don't want to step on mine. We're both writers.

Sam Seaborn:
Yes, I suppose, if we broaden the definition to those who can spell.

Scott Tate:
[Sam walks away] Excuse me?

Governor Robert Ritchie, R-FL:
My view of this is simple: we don't need a Federal Department of Education telling us our children have to learn Esperanto, they have to learn Eskimo poetry. Let the states decide, let the communities decide on health care, on education, on lower taxes, not higher taxes. Now, he's going to throw a big word at you - "unfunded mandate." He's going to say if Washington lets the states do it, it's an unfunded mandate. But what he doesn't like is the federal government losing power. But I call it the ingenuity of the American people.

Moderator:
President Bartlet, you have 60 seconds for a question and an answer.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Well, first of all, let's clear up a couple of things. "Unfunded mandate" is two words, not one big word. There are times when we're fifty states and there are times when we're one country, and have national needs. And the way I know this is that Florida didn't fight Germany in World War II or establish civil rights. You think states should do the governing wall-to-wall. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But your state of Florida got $12.6 billion in federal money last year - from Nebraskans, and Virginians, and New Yorkers, and Alaskans, with their Eskimo poetry. 12.6 out of a state budget of $50 billion. I'm supposed to be using this time for a question, so here it is: Can we have it back, please?

Moderator:
Governor Ritchie, many economists have stated that the tax cut, which is the centrepiece of your economic agenda, could actually harm the economy. Is now really the time to cut taxes?

Governor Robert Ritchie, R-FL:
You bet it is. We need to cut taxes for one reason - the American people know how to spend their money better than the federal government does.

Moderator:
Mr. President, your rebuttal.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
There it is. That's the ten word answer my staff's been looking for for two weeks. There it is. Ten-word answers can kill you in political campaigns. They're the tip of the sword. Here's my question: What are the next ten words of your answer? Your taxes are too high? So are mine. Give me the next ten words. How are we going to do it? Give me ten after that, I'll drop out of the race right now. Every once in a while... every once in a while, there's a day with an absolute right and an absolute wrong, but those days almost always include body counts. Other than that, there aren't very many unnuanced moments in leading a country that's way too big for ten words. I'm the President of the United States, not the President of the people who agree with me. And by the way, if the left has a problem with that, they should vote for somebody else.

C.J. Cregg:
He's not a little bit crazy?

Toby Ziegler:
Albie Duncan?

C.J. Cregg:
Yeah.

Toby Ziegler:
No. No. No. A little bit.

Governor Robert Ritchie, R-FL:
[after the debate] It's over.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
You'll be back.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
My daughters are here?

Abbey Bartlet:
Are you kidding? Ellie's wearing makeup.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Well, I don't approve of that.

Abbey Bartlet:
You understand she's 27, right?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I don't approve of that, either.

Toby Ziegler:
I'm not sure I can watch any more. No, wait - I can, I can.

Will Bailey:
[Will's first line] It's good to see you - I'll be with you in just a second. Darren and Sharon, where are you? All right, this is good, but don't ever use the words "waiting period."

Asst. Secretary of State Albie Duncan:
What kind of shot do you get with that club?

Will Bailey:
Several members of my family worked for NATO.

Sam Seaborn:
You're not by any chance Thomas Bailey's grandson.

Will Bailey:
I'm his son. I'm the youngest one.

Sam Seaborn:
Wow. That had to be an interesting career day. "Hello, I'm Will's father, and I'm Supreme Commander NATO Allied Forces." Bet not a lot of people took your lunch money.

Will Bailey:
No.

Percy Fitzwallace:
What do Photographers say in the digital age now that the'Come up and see my darkroom' line has gone the way of the Dodo?

Donna Moss:
They offer their high speed... [roadside bomb explodes next to the car]

Josh Lyman:
What's Up?

C.J. Cregg:
An Explosion in Gaza. The CODEL. Fatalities.

Josh Lyman:
What about Donna?

Josh Lyman:
It Just Happened, That's all I know.

Toby Ziegler:
I don't know from where you get the idea that taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for anything of which they disapprove. Lots of 'em don't like tanks... even more don't like Congress.

Bruno Gianelli:
These are direct mail leaflets. "Bartlet: Hopelessly Liberal." "Bartlet: Super-Liberal." "Bartlet: Liberal, Liberal, Liberal."

Sam Seaborn:
These aren't coming from our side, right?

Oliver Babish:
Nature, like a woman, will seduce you with its sights and its scents and its touch, and then it breaks your ankle, also like a woman.

Abbey Bartlet:
What the hell kind of dates are you going on, Oliver?

Oliver Babish:
I hear you.

Sam Seaborn:
Why are you so bent on countering these idiot leaflets?

Bruno Gianelli:
Because I'm tired of working for candidates who make me think that I should be embarrassed to believe what I believe, Sam! I'm tired of getting them elected! We all need some therapy, because somebody came along and said, "'Liberal' means soft on crime, soft on drugs, soft on Communism, soft on defense, and we're gonna tax you back to the Stone Age because people shouldn't have to go to work if they don't want to!" And instead of saying, "Well, excuse me, you right-wing, reactionary, xenophobic, homophobic, anti-education, anti-choice, pro-gun, Leave It To Beaver trip back to the Fifties...!", we cowered in the corner, and said, "Please. Don't. Hurt. Me." No more. I really don't care who's right, who's wrong. We're both right. We're both wrong. Let's have two parties, huh? What do you say?

Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee:
Sam, have you heard of Andrew Hawkins?

Sam Seaborn:
No.

Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee:
You funded his performance piece recently, which involved him destroying all his belongings outside a Starbucks in Haight-Ashbury.

Sam Seaborn:
I've done that a couple of times... I didn't know there was funding available.

Tawny Cryer, Appropriations Committee:
Here's a woman who gets naked, covers herself completely in chocolate, and sings. Does that appeal to you?

Toby Ziegler:
By and large, I'm not wild about musicals.

C.J. Cregg:
[singing as she crosses the room to Toby] I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my skirt, too sexy for the other things...

Toby Ziegler:
What in God's name is...

C.J. Cregg:
He got the question.

Toby Ziegler:
Who?

C.J. Cregg:
The Majority Leader.

Toby Ziegler:
When?

C.J. Cregg:
Last night. Local news, Cleveland, Ohio - oh me-o, oh my-o, oh Cleveland, Ohio! He got the question.

Bonnie:
What's the question?

Toby Ziegler:
"Why do you want to be president?"

Bonnie:
And what did he say?

C.J. Cregg:
[reading from a transcript of the interview] "The reason I would run, were I to run, is I have a great belief in this country as a country and in this people as a people that go into making this country a nation with the greatest natural resources and population of people, educated people."

C.J. Cregg:
[makes a shotgun motion with her arms] Chk-chk, boom!

Toby Ziegler:
I'll spread it around.

C.J. Cregg:
[singing her way out of the room] I'm too sexy for my shoes, too sexy for the blues, too sexy...

C.J. Cregg:
The majority leader got the question last night.

Josh Lyman:
Yeah? [reads]... and just kept on diggin'.

Josh Lyman:
[reading from transcript] "with the greatest technology of any people of any country in the world, along with the greatest, not the greatest, but very serious problems confronting our people, and I want to be President in order to focus on these problems in a way that uses the energy of our people to move us forward, basically."

C.J. Cregg:
Yes.

Josh Lyman:
It's the "basically" that makes it art.

Nancy McNally:
Mr. President, submariners understand that if they sink it won't be a rescue, it'll be a recovery. They measure risk and rewards not just in terms of their own lives, but in terms of national interest.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Well, that's great. I assess the national interest by the number of people alive, not dead.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Hey, Bruno, can you devise a campaign strategy that involves beating the crap out of Leo?

Oliver Babish:
Truth isn't a luxury. You're going to go in there. You're going to swear an oath. You're going to get asked questions. You're going to tell the truth. It's the way you stand up and say, "Stop!"

Abbey Bartlet:
You should be careful, Oliver. You keep talking like a human being, they're gonna kick you out of the bar.

Oliver Babish:
I've been kicked out of bars before.

Abbey Bartlet:
I meant...

Oliver Babish:
I know what you meant.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
First of all, that's not a cow. It's not! It's a goat. Yeah, I may have agreed to something about a goat.

Leo McGarry:
Did the First Lady get you drunk and take you shopping?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Leo... yes.

Toby Ziegler:
Threats to civil liberties only ever come a few dollars at a time.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
[to Josh] You know what the difference is between you and me? I want to be the guy. You want to be the guy the guy counts on.

Sam Seaborn:
Legitimate news organizations are gonna cover this, to say nothing of the people who hate us, who are gonna run it over, over, over, over, over. This guy was here for three minutes and he was fired. He *is* not credible. I'm a lawyer. I'm telling you that *has* to be made clear. Every time he makes a factual mistake we've gotta come out with a press release. Every time he misquotes or misidentifies anyone we need to have an affidavit swearing to the truth if there's a comma in the wrong place. He needs to be killed until he is dead, and he needs to be killed again or he is gonna to keep biting at our ankles, and I mean all through the campaign. He needs to be a joke, or we're gonna be.

C.J. Cregg:
[snapping her fingers like the Jets in "West Side Story"] "Boy, boy, crazy boy, keep cool, boy."

President Josiah Bartlet:
Look, I'm really not going to talk to you about my underwear.

Sam Seaborn:
That's... disappointing, Mr. President.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I was wrong. I was, I was just... I was wrong. Come on, we know that. Lots of times we don't know what right or wrong is, but lots of times we do, and come on... this is one. I may not have had sinister intent at the outset, but there were plenty of opportunities for me to make it right. No one in government takes responsibility for anything any more. We foster, we obfuscate, we rationalize. "Everybody does it", that's what we say. So we come to occupy a moral safe house where everyone's to blame, so no one's guilty.

[sigh]

President Josiah Bartlet:
*I'm to blame.* I was wrong.

Sam Seaborn:
I don't think it's such a good idea to be casual about the truth.

Leo McGarry:
I take a bullet for the President. He doesn't take one for me. Is that all you got?

Josh Lyman:
I studied a lot in school. I studied hard in high school and at Harvard and in law school. My IQ doesn't break the bank and I wanted to do this so I studied all the time. And I missed something or it's like I skipped a year 'cause I never learned what you do after you think you like somebody - what you do next. And every- everybody did learn... a lot of other people, anyway. I didn't walk out tonight. When my phone rings at eleven o'clock it's important- not important to me- important. And I'm not puffing myself so- so that you're...

Amy Gardner:
[Interrupting] You know what? Maybe not so much for you with the talking. [She kisses him]

Larry:
[reading from Ron Burkhalt's book] Bartlet was playing a round of golf with Toby Ziegler, the prickly, mumbling communications director whose inner bitter darkness spelled the break-up of the one marriage we know about.

C.J. Cregg:
It was miniature golf, wasn't it?

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah.

Toby Ziegler:
In a triumph of the middling, a nod to mediocrity, and with gorge rising, it gives me great nausea to announce Robert Russell - Bingo Bob, himself - as your new Vice President.

Will Bailey:
This lapdog of the mining interests is as dull as he is unremarkable...

Toby Ziegler:
...as lackluster as he is soporific. This reversion to the mean...

Will Bailey:
...this rebuke to the exemplary...

Toby Ziegler:
...gives hope to the millions unfavored by the exceptional... Bob Russell: not the worst, not the best, just what we're stuck with.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
There's a Korean word, Han. I looked it up. There is no literal English translation, it's a state of mind, of soul really. A sadness. A sadness so deep no tears will come, and yet still, there's hope.

[CJ and Charlie are discussing a copy of the President's private schedule - which she has hidden in retaliation for him making her sign a copy out earlier - before walking into the office outside the Oval Office]

Charlie Young:
Look C.J...

C.J. Cregg:
You'll find it in your filing cabinet under A for "anal".

Larry:
I don't really wanna know what he's going to find in his filing cabinet, do you?

Ed:
No.

C.J. Cregg:
So, how long do you usually make people your b*tch?

Charlie Young:
Depends.

C.J. Cregg:
Okay.

Sam Seaborn:
I don't know how you do it.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
You have a lot of help. You listen to everybody and then you call the play. [beat] Sam, you're going to run for President one day. Don't be scared. You can do it. I believe in you. [moves chess piece] That's checkmate.

Reporter Steve:
Will the President be monitoring the situation throughout the night?

C.J. Cregg:
The President will be monitoring the situation in the China Sea as well as Hartsfield's Landing. Any of the new people not know about Hartfield's Landing? Hartsfield's Landing is a town in New Hampshire. Population 63. While the rest of New Hampshire goes to the polls at 8 AM tomorrow, all of the 42 registered voters of Hartsfield vote at one minute past midnight, or a little over two hours from now. Hartsfield has accurately predicted the winner in every presidential election since William Howard Taft, who, by the way, was founder of the seventh-inning stretch wherein we sing, "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," music and lyrics by Jack Norworth and Albert von Tilzer. It's all part of the service here at Claudia's House of Useless Knowledge. That's a full lid. Thank you very much.

Carol Fitzpatrick:
Albert von Tilzer?

C.J. Cregg:
Ironically, neither of them had ever been to a major league baseball game when they wrote that song. The other song that were famous for was...?

Carol Fitzpatrick:
I didn't even know they were famous for that one.

C.J. Cregg:
"Shine On, Harvest Moon."

[with the cabinet member who stays behind during a State of the Union address]

President Josiah Bartlet:
Oh, Roger. If anything happened, you know what to do, right?

Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey:
I honestly hadn't thought about it, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
First thing always is national security. Get your commanders together. Appoint Joint Chiefs, appoint a chairman. Take us to defcon 4. Have the governors send emergency delegates to Washington. The assistant Attorney General is going to be the Acting A.G. If he tells you he wants to bring out the National Guard, do what he tells you. You got a best friend?

Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Is he smarter than you?

Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Would you trust him with your life?

Secretary of Agriculture Roger Tribbey:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
That's your chief of staff.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I came to this hallowed chamber one year ago on a mission, to restore the American dream for all our people as we gaze at the vast horizon of possibilities open to us... in the 321st century. Wow, that was ambitious of me, wasn't it?

Sam Seaborn:
Leo.

Leo McGarry:
Let's take a break.

President Josiah Bartlet:
We meant stronger here right?

Sam Seaborn:
What's it say?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm proud to report our country's stranger than it was a year ago.

Sam Seaborn:
That's a typo.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Could go either way.

C.J. Cregg:
What are you taking?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I don't know. My wife hands me pills, I swallow them with water.

Sam Seaborn:
Sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Vitamin C, Vitamin B. Is it possible I'm taking something called euthanasia?

Sam Seaborn:
Echinacea?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Ah, that sounds more like it.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I could jump you right now.

Abbey Bartlet:
I could kill you right now.

President Josiah Bartlet:
My thing's more fun.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I was watching a television program before, with a sort of a roving moderator who spoke to a seated panel of young women who were having some sort of problem with their boyfriends - apparently, because the boyfriends had all slept with the girlfriends' mothers. Then they brought the boyfriends out, and they all fought, right there on television. Toby, tell me: these people don't vote, do they?

President Josiah Bartlet:
What do you think, Josh?

Josh Lyman:
I make it a point never to disagree with Toby when he's right, Mr. President.

Abbey Bartlet:
[POTUS didn't call Abbey when he collapsed because he had to go to the situation room to deal with Pakistan and India] I don't care if Canada invaded Michigan, Jed. You call me.

Charlie Young:
How are you feeling, sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I'm feeling roughly the same as I was feeling when you asked me four minutes ago.

[Abigail Bartlet is examining her husband]

President Josiah Bartlet:
Here's the thing, though: I never really saw you study while you were in med school.

Abbey Bartlet:
Deep breath.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Do you even know what you're listening for right now?

Abbey Bartlet:
Do you know how many other people I could have married?

Lord John Marbury:
When we had a particular problem with someone, one solution we would try is to make him a maharajah. That's a kind of a regional king. We would pay him off with an annual tribute and in return he would be loyal to the crown.

Leo McGarry:
Lord Marbury, under our constitution the President is not empowered to create maharajahs.

Lord John Marbury:
Yes, thank you for clearing that up, Leo. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Toby...

Toby Ziegler:
Yes, sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
When you walk out of here, there'll be people out there, perhaps a great many, who'll think of you as a hero. I just don't for a moment want you thinking I'll be one of them.

Toby Ziegler:
Congratulations, you've earned your rather exhorbitant fee today.

Alana Waterman:
Toby, I haven't done anything

Toby Ziegler:
That's the first time today he has said the word "Please".

President Josiah Bartlet:
Toby? Is it possible to be astonished and, at the same time, not surprised?

Charlie Young:
Well, Jean-Paul, I read a hundred and fifty words about you in US Weekly and I feel like I know you already.

Charlie Young:
[after Will fumbles badly on meeting the President for the first time] You know what? I've seen worse.

Will Bailey:
Really?

Charlie Young:
Well, no.

Josh Lyman:
I just need to tell you this. Come here. Sorry, come here.

Toby Ziegler:
Josh...

Josh Lyman:
Come here. All right, it was desperation. It wasn't out of a desire to do evil. He had a young family and he barely spoke the language. He went to jail. He went to jail and you went to school, and it was all a half century ago. Look what he did in two generations. What room did you just walk out of?

Toby Ziegler:
I appreciate that that's what you think. Do I get to think what I think?

Josh Lyman:
No, you don't, cause you don't know what I know.

Toby Ziegler:
What?

Josh Lyman:
That I would give anything to have a living father who was a felon, or a sister with a past... That's it.

Claypool:
How pregnant is your ex-wife?

Toby Ziegler:
As I understand pregnancy, it's a binary state. You either are or you aren't.

Toby Ziegler:
I'm told that on my sunniest days I'm not that fun to be around. I wonder what's gonna happen when you make my children a part of your life.

Toby Ziegler:
Listen, when you get home tonight you're going to be confronted by the instinct to drink alone. Trust that instinct. Manage the pain. Don't try to be a hero.

Leo McGarry:
...this is big-boy school, Mr. Bailey.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
I'm in one meeting the whole day. All they did was feed me tea made with Tienchi Ginseng and deer horn glue. You see, it's the thing for the nerve damage. But that meant I had to piss every twelve minutes, which is more of an ordeal than it was when I could stand without assistance. The new kid, Curtis, and I are becoming very close.

Matthew Santos:
I'm not running for Congress again, Josh. Now, you came a long way, I'm sorry about that. But it's just...

Josh Lyman:
I'm not talking about Congress.

C.J. Cregg:
What's your secret service code name?

Sam Seaborn:
They just changed it.

C.J. Cregg:
I know. What's yours?

Sam Seaborn:
Princeton.

C.J. Cregg:
Mine's "Flamingo".

Sam Seaborn:
That's nice.

C.J. Cregg:
No, it's not nice.

Sam Seaborn:
Flamingo's a nice-looking bird.

C.J. Cregg:
A flamingo is a ridiculous-looking bird.

Sam Seaborn:
You're not ridiculous-looking.

C.J. Cregg:
I know I'm not ridiculous-looking.

Sam Seaborn:
Any way for me to get out of this conversation?

C.J. Cregg:
I'm going to talk to someone.

Sam Seaborn:
Excellent.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
[Toby has just arranged for an honor guard at the funeral of a homeless vet] Toby, If we start pulling strings like this don't you think every homeless veteran will come out of the woodwork?

Toby Ziegler:
I can only hope so, sir.

Josh Lyman:
A man has left himself open to the kind of attack from which men in my business do not recover. Now, if our tactics seem less than civilized, it's because so are our attackers. We don't need your cooperation, Laurie. One of your guys wrote you a check, and the IRS works for me. And anyway, I don't feel like standing here, taking a civics lesson from a hooker.

Sam Seaborn:
Josh...

Donna Moss:
I prepared a list.

Josh Lyman:
Of Christmas gift suggestions?

Donna Moss:
Yes.

Josh Lyman:
[reading from the list] Ski pants, ski boots, ski hat, ski goggles, ski gloves, ski poles. I'm assuming you already have skis?

Leo McGarry:
[Signing Christmas cards] Who the hell is this guy and why do I care if he has a merry Christmas?

Margaret:
Just sign the damn thing.

Mandy Hampton:
This might seem trivial under the circumstances...

Toby Ziegler:
What?

Mandy Hampton:
The Santa hats do clash with the Dickensian costumes.

Toby Ziegler:
It *might* seem trivial?

Josh Lyman:
Where are you going?

President Josiah Bartlet:
To a place called "Rare books." You know what they sell?

Josh Lyman:
Fishing tackle?

Josh Lyman:
Here's one.

Mandy Hampton:
One what?

Josh Lyman:
A book which, if I was stuck with it on a desert island, I still wouldn't read it. "The Adventures of James Capen Adams, Mountaineer and Grizzly Bear Hunter of California." I believe I would eat this book before I read it.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You know, Zoey is starting Georgetown in two weeks. I was thinking about getting this for her - "The Nature of Things, a Didascalic Poem" translated from the Latin of Titus Lucretius Carus. What do you think?

Charlie Young:
I think she would like that better than a new stereo, sir.

Leo McGarry:
You saw Sam's friend?

Sam Seaborn:
How did you know?

Leo McGarry:
I had you tailed.

Josh Lyman:
You had us tailed?

Leo McGarry:
Yes.

Sam Seaborn:
Why did you have us tailed?

Leo McGarry:
On the off chance that you're as stupid as you look.

[signing Christmas cards]

Leo McGarry:
Who's Elizabeth?

Margaret:
Your sister.

Toby Ziegler:
It's not the new millennium, but I'll just let it drop.

Sam Seaborn:
It is.

Toby Ziegler:
It is not the new millennium. The year 2000 is the last year of the millennium, it's not the first year of the next one.

Sam Seaborn:
But the common sensibility, to quote Stephen Jay Gould...

Toby Ziegler:
Stephen Jay Gould needs to look at a calendar.

Sam Seaborn:
Gould says this is a largely unresolvable issue.

Toby Ziegler:
Yes, it's tough to resolve. You have to look at a calendar.

[... ]

Sam Seaborn:
You've got to ask yourself which is more exciting - watching your car roll over from 99,999 to 100,000 or watching it go from one hundred to a hundred and one.

C.J. Cregg:
So technically the millennium is still a year away.

Sam Seaborn:
Yeah, but... we've made all these plans.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Ooh... The Fables of Phaedrus... 1886... first edition, red leather label, gilt leathering, engraved frontis. Phaedrus, you know, who was a slave, but later granted his freedom by Augustus, wrote his animal fables in iambic verse.

Leo McGarry:
Well, nothing says Christmas like animal fables in iambic verse.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
That's what I say.

Brittany 'Laurie' Rollins:
You're the good guys. You should act like it.

Dolores Landingham:
[Toby is leaving to go to the funeral he arranged] Toby? I'd like to come along.

Sen. Arnold Vinick:
If you can't drink their booze, take their money and then vote against them, then you're in the wrong business.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Hey, did you see Sam get pureed last night on Capital Beat?

Leo McGarry:
I didn't see it, but I have heard tell.

President Josiah Bartlet:
He got diced and sliced by a woman named Ainsley Hayes.

Ainsley Hayes:
The bill contained plenty of money for textbooks, Mark, and anyone who says otherwise is flat-out lying. And we should tell the truth about this. Textbooks are important, if for no other reason than they'd accurately place the town of Kirkwood in California and not Oregon.

Ainsley Hayes:
Does anybody know how to work caller-ID?

Harriet:
Oh, how can you not know how to use a telephone?

Ainsley Hayes:
I've been paying attention to other things.

Harriet:
Well, pay attention to that because Bruce's friend is gonna call you.

Ainsley Hayes:
The agent?

Bruce:
Yep.

Ainsley Hayes:
I don't need an agent, I need a caller-ID tutorial.

Harriet:
You need an agent, Ainsley, you're gonna be a star.

Ainsley Hayes:
Used to be, you had to sing and dance.

Ainsley Hayes:
Yes, sir. I've been thinking about that ever since your office called me on Tuesday, and I have something to say on my own behalf, if you'll permit me a moment to say it, and I understand if you won't, but I would really appreciate it if you did.

Leo McGarry:
I... didn't really follow that, but whatever.

Ainsley Hayes:
I think that it is wrong for a man in your position to summon someone to the White House to reprimand them for voicing opposition. I think that that is wrong, and it is inappropriate. It's inappropriate, and I'll tell you what else.

Leo McGarry:
It's wrong?

Ainsley Hayes:
Yes.

Leo McGarry:
You have an interesting conversational style, do you know that?

Ainsley Hayes:
It's a nervous condition.

Leo McGarry:
I used to have a nervous condition.

Ainsley Hayes:
How did yours manifest itself?

Leo McGarry:
I drank a lot of scotch.

Ainsley Hayes:
I get sick when I drink too much.

Leo McGarry:
I get drunk when I drink too much.

Leo McGarry:
Yeah, Ainsley, even if you hadn't already told me all of this - you know, many, many times - I would know it anyway, 'cause I have this FBI file.

Ainsley Hayes:
You have my FBI file?

Leo McGarry:
Yes.

Ainsley Hayes:
I can't believe that! You have my FBI file?

Leo McGarry:
Yes.

Ainsley Hayes:
I *have* an FBI file?

Ainsley Hayes:
I find this administration smug and patronizing, and under the impression that those who disagree with them are less than they are, and with colder hearts.

Leo McGarry:
I don't think that's true.

Ainsley Hayes:
How many people on your staff assumed that I was ambitious, mean, and stupid?

Leo McGarry:
None... C.J. Cregg thinks you kill your pets. You don't do that, do you?

Ainsley Hayes:
No, I don't kill my pets. I don't have any pets. I was thinking about getting a pet, but - that doesn't matter. The point is...

Leo McGarry:
Ainsley.

Ainsley Hayes:
Yes, sir?

Leo McGarry:
Don't you want to work in the White House?

Ainsley Hayes:
Oh, only since I was two.

Sam Seaborn:
No, man, why participate in the process when you can get a job commenting on it?

Ainsley Hayes:
You think because I don't want to work here it's because I can get a better gig on Geraldo? Gosh, let's see if there could possibly be any other reason why I wouldn't want to work in this White House? This White House that feels that government is better for children than parents are. That looks at forty years of degrading and humiliating free lunches handed out in a spectacularly failed effort to level the playing field and says, 'Let's try forty more.' This White House that says of anyone that points that out to them, that they are cold and mean and racist, and then accuses Republicans of using the politics of fear. This White House that loves the Bill of Rights, all of them - except the second one.

Sam Seaborn:
This is the wrong place to talk about guns right now. I thought your column was idiotic.

Ainsley Hayes:
Imagine my surprise.

Bruce:
Oh, damn. I wanted you to say it to his face. I wanted to see...

Harriet:
I hate these people.

Bruce:
Did you meet anyone there who isn't worthless?

Ainsley Hayes:
Don't say that.

Bruce:
Did you meet anyone there who has any - ?

Ainsley Hayes:
I said don't say that. Say they're smug and superior. Say their approach to public policy makes you want to tear your hair out. Say they like high taxes and spending your money. Say they want to take your guns and open your borders, but don't call them worthless. At least don't do it in front of me. The people that I have met have been extraordinarily qualified, their intent is good. Their commitment is true, they are righteous, and they are patriots. And I'm their lawyer.

Leo McGarry:
[Leo is trying to convince Ainsley Hayes to work for President Bartlet, who has requested that she be hired, but she is reluctant] The President likes smart people who disagree with him. He wants to hear from you.

Josh Lyman:
No. You're listening to me, but you're not understanding me.

Toby Ziegler:
No, I'm disagreeing with you. That doesn't mean I'm not listening to you or understanding what you're saying - I'm doing all three at the same time.

Josh Lyman:
Toby, come quick. Sam's getting his ass kicked by a girl.

Toby Ziegler:
Ginger, get the popcorn.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Leo, hard as you might try, the Republican party isn't going anywhere.

Leo McGarry:
We don't know that for sure, sir. They could all end up moving to Vancouver.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I don't think so.

Leo McGarry:
Me neither, but being in power means everybody else can take a seat for four years.

Reporter:
Is the White House prepared to declare war on the drug companies?

C.J. Cregg:
Well, it sounds like you already have, so if we need a button man, we'll call ya.

Ainsley Hayes:
I'll ask again: for what purpose was I brought here today?

Leo McGarry:
So I could offer you a job.

Ainsley Hayes:
I'm asking because I do not think that it is fair that I be expected to play the role of the mouse to the White House's cat in the game of... you know the game?

Leo McGarry:
Cat and mouse?

Ainsley Hayes:
Yes. And it's not like I'm not, you know. The fact that I may not look like some of the other Republicans who have crossed your path does not mean that I'm any less inclined toward...

Leo McGarry:
Here it comes.

Ainsley Hayes:
Did you say offer me a job?

Toby Ziegler:
A drug they gotta buy from us for four dollars a unit they can get generic in Pakistan for forty cents.

C.J. Cregg:
That's not the only bargain in Pakistan, Toby. My girlfriends and I go for the spring fashions.

Toby Ziegler:
It shows.

[about Ainsley Hayes]

President Josiah Bartlet:
We should hire her.

Leo McGarry:
That'd be funny.

President Josiah Bartlet:
No, I mean it.

Leo McGarry:
Mean what?

President Josiah Bartlet:
We should hire her.

Leo McGarry:
Well, you mean as a joke on Sam?

President Josiah Bartlet:
No, not as a joke, I mean we should hire her as a reality. We should hire her.

Leo McGarry:
She's a Republican.

President Josiah Bartlet:
So are half of the people in this country.

Leo McGarry:
Well, that half lost.

President Josiah Bartlet:
When they close the book on me and you, it will say that at this moment you were not there for me. And for that, obviously, there will be some kind of punishment.

Charlie Young:
Well, you could sing Puccini for me again, Mr. President. We'll call it even.

C.J. Cregg:
I rode the life-cycle this morning for an hour and a half. If it was a real cycle I'd have been in Belgium by now.

C.J. Cregg:
What can I bring into the room about the conference?

Sam Seaborn:
The sessions are productive. Progress is being made. These kind of things take time. All the parties are optimistic.

C.J. Cregg:
Are any of the parties optimistic?

Sam Seaborn:
No.

Josh Lyman:
You look familiar to me. You're Aimsley Hayes.

Ainsley Hayes:
Ainsley. With an "n".

Sam Seaborn:
She works here now.

Josh Lyman:
What?

Sam Seaborn:
Leo hired her.

Josh Lyman:
What are you talking about?

Sam Seaborn:
Leo hired her. He told me and C.J., he was waiting to tell you and Toby.

Josh Lyman:
What was he waiting for?

Ainsley Hayes:
[about Margaret] She seems like a very good secretary.

Leo McGarry:
Well, she'll be happy to hear that. She's standing right outside the door.

Margaret Hooper:
[Leo hits the closed door] Ow.

Sam Seaborn:
But for a brilliant surgical team and two centimeters of a miracle, this guy [meaning Josh] is dead right now. From bullets fired from a gun bought legally. They bought guns. They loaded them. They drove from Wheeling to Rosslyn. And until they pulled the trigger, they had yet to commit a crime. I am so off the charts tired of the gun lobby tossing around terms like "personal freedom" and nobody calling them on it. It's not about personal freedom. And it certainly has nothing to do with public safety. It's just that some people like guns.

Penn Jillette:
What if we burned a flag, not in protest, but in celebration of the very freedoms that allow us to burn a flag - the freedoms that everyone who has ever worked in this magnificent building has pledged to preserve and protect?

Josh Lyman:
[taken aback] Did you go to law school?

Penn Jillette:
No, clown school.

Leo McGarry:
[to Josh on Arnie Vinick running for President] You ever see Arnie Vinick campaign up close? He'll go into those high school gymnasiums in Iowa and New Hampshire and blow them all away. He'll shake every hand in the joint, kiss every baby, hug every widow on Social Security, and sound smarter and more honest than any Republican they've ever seen. Because he is.

[Penn & Teller have just performed a special "vanish" at Zoey's birthday party]

Toby Ziegler:
Did they just burn an American flag in the White House?

Josh Lyman:
Uh-huh.

[at a Q&A in Nashua, NH; a dairy farmer complained that Bartlett voted against a bill that hurt the farmer's pocketbook "to the tune" of 10 cents a gallon]

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yeah, I screwed you on that one.

Questioner #2:
I'm sorry?

President Josiah Bartlet:
I screwed you. You got hosed.

Questioner #2:
Sir, I...

President Josiah Bartlet:
And not just you. A lot of my constituents. I put the hammer to farms in Concord, Salem, Laconia, Pelham, Hampton, Hudson. You guys got rogered but good. Today for the first time in history, the largest group of Americans living in poverty are children. 1 in 5 children live in the most abject, dangerous, hopeless, back-breaking, gut-wrenching poverty any of us could imagine. 1 in 5, and they're children. If fidelity to freedom of democracy is the code of our civic religion then surely the code of our humanity is faithful service to that unwritten commandment that says we shall give our children better than we ourselves received. Let me put it this way: I voted against the bill because I didn't want to make it harder for people to buy milk. I stopped some money from flowing into your pocket. If that angers you, if you resent me, I completely respect that. But if you expect anything different from the President of the United States, you should vote for someone else.

Leo McGarry:
[regarding Bartlet having been undefeated in all his previous elections] No, seriously, that's a real political accomplishment considering your family founded this state. Were you even opposed in any of those elections?

Josh Lyman:
If I see the real thing in Nashua, should I tell you about it?

Sam Seaborn:
You won't have to.

Josh Lyman:
Why?

Sam Seaborn:
You've got a pretty bad poker face.

Cal Mathis:
Do you enjoy losing?

Toby Ziegler:
Not that much, no. Then again, I really don't have a lot to compare it to.

Woman in Bar:
You've been a... um, what do you call it?

Toby Ziegler:
Professional political operative.

Woman in Bar:
You've been one your whole life?

Toby Ziegler:
Well, there was a while there I was in elementary school.

Danny Concannon:
...who's in charge?

C.J. Cregg:
The Vice President, the Secretary of State, the National Security Advisor, Secretary of Defense Chairman of the Joint Chiefs, the White House Chief of Staff.

Danny Concannon:
You just named six people. Who's in *charge*?

C.J. Cregg:
The Canadiens.

Danny Concannon:
CJ...

C.J. Cregg:
You understand I'm talking about the hockey team.

Dr. Whitaker:
I need to ask you some questions, Sir. Do you have any medical conditions?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Well, I've been shot.

Josh Lyman:
Leo, the-the Democrats aren't gonna nominate another liberal, academic former governor from New England. I mean, we're dumb, but we're not that dumb.

Leo McGarry:
Nah-I think we're exactly that dumb.

Leo McGarry:
Don't mess with us tonight.

Woman in Bar:
[regarding the Presidential primary] I gotta tell you, I didn't even know Bartlet was running.

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah, well, we keep that secret pretty good.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Tonight, what began at the Commons in Concord, Massachusetts as an alliance of farmers and workers, of cobblers and tinsmiths, of statesmen and students, of mothers and wives, of men and boys, lives two centuries later as America! My name is Josiah Bartlet, and I accept your nomination for the Presidency of the United States!

Josh Lyman:
[Josh's father has died] At least his friends and neighbors will be spared the all the, you know...

President Josiah Bartlet:
He'd have been doing some bragging right now?

Josh Lyman:
Yeah. Your name wouldn't have come up, by the way. "My son won the Illinois primary."

[the President neglected a formality transferring executive power before going into surgery]

Margaret:
Can - can I just say something, you know, for the future?

Leo McGarry:
Yeah.

Margaret:
*I* can sign the President's name. I have his signature down pretty good.

Leo McGarry:
You can sign the President's name?

Margaret:
Yeah.

Leo McGarry:
On a document removing him from power and handing it to someone else?

Margaret:
Yeah. Or, do you think the White House Counsel would say that was a bad idea?

Leo McGarry:
I think the White House Counsel would say that's a coup d'etat.

Margaret:
I'd probably end up doing some time for that.

Leo McGarry:
I would think. And what the hell are you doing practicing the President's signature?

Margaret:
It's just for fun.

Leo McGarry:
We've got separation of powers, checks and balances, and Margaret, vetoing things and sending them back to the hill.

Toby Ziegler:
C.J., you fell into the pool there...

C.J. Cregg:
I can't see!

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah, well maybe, uh, kind of, try to feel your way to dry land. Want a hand?

C.J. Cregg:
Shut up. Avert your eyes.

Toby Ziegler:
What?

C.J. Cregg:
I'm climbing out of the pool, my clothes will be clingy, avert you eyes.

Toby Ziegler:
C.J., I really didn't come here to...

C.J. Cregg:
Avert your eyes!

Toby Ziegler:
OK.

[turning around, as C.J. gets out of the pool, and straightens her dress out]

C.J. Cregg:
Oh, turn around.

Toby Ziegler:
[laughs]

C.J. Cregg:
There were 36 homicides last night. 480 sexual assaults. 3411 robberies. 3685 aggravated assaults, all at gun point. And if anyone thinks those crimes could have been prevented if the victims themselves had been carrying guns, I only remind you that the President of the United States was shot last night while surrounded by the best-trained armed guards in the history of the world.

Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs Bryce Lilly:
Are you rewriting the section?

Will Bailey:
Yes, sir.

Assistant Secretary of State for Public Affairs Bryce Lilly:
Dramatically?

Will Bailey:
Well, I like to think I have a certain flair.

Will Bailey:
You and Leo McGarry and Josh are his senior counselors. And it's not like he doesn't already want to go there.

Toby Ziegler:
This language proposes a new doctrine for the use of force. That we use force whenever we see an injustice we want to correct. Like Mother Teresa with first strike capabilities.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
I can't remember your name, but are you asking me out on a date?

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Why is a Kundunese life worth less to me than an American life?

Will Bailey:
I don't know, sir, but it is.

Archbishop Zake Kintaka:
Patrick, you may pray all you wish, but thousands upon thousands of African children will die unless the U.S. intervenes. Tens of thousands of Kundunese children and their parents slaughtered.

Cardinal:
Well, I don't control the armed forces Zake.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
No he was talking to me, Your Eminence. Your Excellency, I got a very sketchy intelligence report on the violence in the capital about an hour ago.

Archbishop Zake Kintaka:
The violence isn't limited to Batang sir, it has spread to the countryside.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
I didn't know that.

Archbishop Zake Kintaka:
May I ask you something, sir, with all due respect.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Yes.

Archbishop Zake Kintaka:
If mass genocide had broken out in a small European country, would your intelligence briefing this morning have been quite so "sketchy"?

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
No.

Toby Ziegler:
I throw a rubber ball against the window; that means you come to me. As my frustration level grows, so does the velocity of the ball against the window.

Will Bailey:
Don't you ever worry about the window breaking?

Toby Ziegler:
During moments of peak frustration: when the Speaker of the House threatened to repeal the 16th Amendment, a couple of Yankee games, and when Congress censured my boss... but it's always held up, that window; that window is a game-day player.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Some of which have my name on them. So tell Jeff Tomlison and Baby Bob to take a deep knee bend, would you? I'm just as big a cotton candy ass as they are.

Josh Lyman:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
You're just going to let that hang in the air?

Josh Lyman:
Of course not, sir. You're a much bigger cotton candy ass than they are.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Damn right.

Will Bailey:
I heard once - I don't know if this is true - I heard once that you convinced the President to let you rewrite a section of the State of the Union with less than twenty-four hours to go. It was the second year and everybody was a Republican, whether they were or not, and people at the DNC had convinced him to include the line, 'The era of big government is over.' And you couldn't live with it. Because government should be a place where people come together and no one gets left behind. An instrument of good. And that's exactly what we heard in the State of the Union the next night.

Toby Ziegler:
[scoffs] There were maybe four people in the room when I had that conversation.

Will Bailey:
Well, if I'd have been one of them, I would have repeated it to everyone I met.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Charlie, I'm gonna change my mind again on the Bible.

Charlie Young:
Mr. President, you have to imagine my utter surprise.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Aren't you afraid that one day I'm just gonna kick your ass like it's never been kicked?

Toby Ziegler:
We're not talking about the President going to Asia or the President going to Rwanda or the President going to Qumar. We're talking about the President sending other people's kids to do it.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
That's always what we're talking about. And in addition to being somebody's kids, they're soldiers and sailors, and if we're about freedom from tyranny, then we're about freedom from tyranny, and if we're not, we should shut up.

Josh Lyman:
I'm not talking about fighting two wars at once. I'm not talking about fighting wars. Intervening when there's violence against people who are defenseless...

Toby Ziegler:
Fine, but if we go here, that means they can go there. And look, there's more injustice over there.

Josh Lyman:
We elect these people. And not for nothing, but if we'd been the world's policeman in the thirties, you and I...

Toby Ziegler:
We'd have had a lot more relatives.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
We're for freedom of speech everywhere. We're for freedom to worship everywhere. We're for freedom to learn... for everybody. And because in our time, you can build a bomb in your country and bring it to my country, what goes on in your country is very much my business. And so we are for freedom from tyranny, everywhere, whether in the guise of political oppression, Toby, or economic slavery, Josh, or religious fanaticism, C.J. That most fundamental idea cannot be met with merely our support. It has to be met with our strength. Diplomatically, economically, materially. And, if Pharaoh still don't free the slaves, then he gets the plagues or my cavalry, whichever gets there first. The USTR will go crazy and say that we're not considering global trade. Committee members will go crazy and say I haven't consulted enough. And the Arab world will just go indiscriminately crazy. No country has ever had a doctrine of intervention when only humanitarian interests were at stake. That streak's gonna end Sunday at noon.

Leo McGarry:
It is so ordered.

Leo McGarry:
Ah, that tastes like... nothing at all. It has no taste or properties of any kind.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I walked to school every morning in weather colder than this.

Abbey Bartlet:
From the headmaster's house to your classroom.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
That's right, baby. Just a camel hair coat, leather gloves, a varsity scarf, and these wits.

Toby Ziegler:
He's speaking in verse.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
A literary curse.

Danny Concannon:
Where is she?

Josh Lyman:
Donna?

Danny Concannon:
Yeah.

Josh Lyman:
She's sitting in her apartment in a ball gown.

Danny Concannon:
Waiting for a ball to come over?

Josh Lyman:
It's good cop, bad cop. I'm the good cop. The four of you are the bad cop. Will, what are you?

Will:
The bad cop.

Josh Lyman:
Danny, what are you?

Danny Concannon:
The bad cop.

Josh Lyman:
Toby, what are you?

Toby Ziegler:
Hurry up.

Josh Lyman:
Charlie, who are you?

Charlie Young:
I love Zoey and I must have her back.

Josh Lyman:
The bad cop, that's right.

Will:
[to Charlie] That's great news about Zoey. I didn't meet her but I bet she's nice.

Charlie Young:
Not really, but my love for her knows no bounds.

Danny Concannon:
Charlie, aren't you cold without a coat?

Charlie Young:
I took off my coat to show my love for Zoey.

Danny Concannon:
Wow.

Charlie Young:
I'd take off my shirt too, but it's inappropriate with a tuxedo.

Danny Concannon:
Not if we were at Chippendale's.

Leo McGarry:
You know what the decision directives say? That diplomats and leaders aren't immune from being targets when they're connected to terrorist activities that threaten the U.S. or its citizens. I don't think it's an unusual directive.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
That it was given hours before Shareef's plane disappeared. Just a reminder: The more I know, the more I can help you. And don't be concerned with my exposure. I'm not your daughter. I'm the White House Press Secretary.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
They're saying I'm rewriting the Constitution on the back of a napkin. They're saying on Fox that a guy who couldn't run a local sheriff's department wants to send troops around the world. They're saying it's liberalism with a grenade launcher. But they're not saying it was badly written, so that's something. And they sure as hell know I was serious, so that's something else. Congratulations, folks, we've got ourselves a doctrine.

Josh Lyman:
Hey, what did I say about speaking to me without addressing me as 'Wild Thing'?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Mothers are standing in front of tanks. And we're going to go get their backs.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
[frustrated at not being able to get a Bible he likes for his swearing in] Okay, you know what? Washington didn't bring his own Bible, he just assumed one would be provided, which, frankly, isn't unreasonable. Guy wants you to swear an oath on a Bible, he ought to be packing a Bible. Washington didn't bring one; he just assumed one would be provided. Just common courtesy, I think. "Place your hand on this Bible. And, oh, can I borrow your Bible?" That's not right.

President Josiah Bartlet:
There's a promise that I ask everyone who works here to make: Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful committed citizens can change the world. Do you know why?

Will Bailey:
Because it's the only thing that ever has.

President Josiah Bartlet:
[trying to wake up his wife] Abbey... Abigail... Abbey, the kids are eating sugar.

Abbey Bartlet:
Uh...

[wakes up]

Abbey Bartlet:
Oh!

President Josiah Bartlet:
How you doing? You know I gave the kids candy all the time, right?

Abbey Bartlet:
Behind my back?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yes.

Abbey Bartlet:
You bought their love.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Well, it was for sale, and I wanted it.

Leo McGarry:
A ship in the harbor is safe. But that's not what ships were built for.

Abbey Bartlet:
[the President has decided to change the Use of Force Doctrine after watching a Laurel & Hardy movie] Because of Laurel and Hardy?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Not because, no. Not *because* of Laurel and Hardy. That was simply the confluence of the final... you know, and also, by the way, from the mouths of babes... like yourself... Seriously, from the mouths of babes and clowns comes... Listen, there's no reason why anyone needs to know about Laurel and Hardy.

Abbey Bartlet:
Sounds like that's going to depend a lot on my general mood.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Is it on page 600?

Fred:
No.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Where is it?

Herb:
There isn't any.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What do you mean there isn't any?

Fred:
There's no...

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
The president said he wanted deficit reduction worked into this budget. I said it should be 50%. Was that not clear?

Herb:
We thought it was along the lines of, "I'd like a pony".

Fred:
Nobody actually expects to get the pony.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I want the pony.

Danny Concannon:
[to C.J] I want you to do what you want to do - take the job at the White House. I just want you to talk to me about it. I want us to talk about what it will mean and we'll make it work. I want us to talk like we're gonna figure it out together. I want us to talk... because I like the sound of your voice. I just want to talk.

Danny Concannon:
[to C.J] At some point you have to choose to have a relationship. We're not 25 any more. At our age you can't date a little and screw a little and wait around to see if you get sentimental at Christmas. You have to decide you're gonna make another person a part of your life - a partner.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You make it sound like I'm trying to avoid you.

Danny Concannon:
I didn't say that.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I don't make booty calls.

Danny Concannon:
You don't make any calls, kind of how it works out.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What?

Danny Concannon:
You're elusive, part of the draw.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What made you think you should be making decisions about my career?

Danny Concannon:
One, I'm not trying to make them, I'm trying to be part of a conversation about them and two, if we don't have that kind of relationship, what kind do we have?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I don't... I don't want to answer that question right now. We agreed to discuss this after the inauguration.

Danny Concannon:
Not if you're working for Matt Santos we're not.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You know what...

Danny Concannon:
First hundred days, agenda settings, first State of the Union, "talk to me after we release the budget," summit at Tashkent. What else?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I don't have time for this right now.

Danny Concannon:
Yes you do. I called Margaret before I came by, I'm not a moron. I called and you have twenty minutes. Hell you have an hour. You're not the busiest girl in America. That's not your life anymore... Look, I'm not trying to turn you into Doris Day. I know if we have a future together, I'd be Mr. C.J. Cregg, that's fine. But you don't even see me in the picture do you?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I missed the window. That's what's going on here. I... missed the window to figure out... how to do this.

Danny Concannon:
How to...?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Share my life with another person, how to be a partner or whatever condescending way you put it this afternoon.

Danny Concannon:
Oh, I wasn't trying...

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I don't know how to do it. Maybe at one point I did, maybe I never did, but it's over now. It's too late. This and skiing. It's too late, it's not going to happen.

Danny Concannon:
C.J...

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You said yourself, it's not an accident that this hasn't come together. This is who I am. I'm good at my job, Danny, I'm good at working, I'm not good at this.

Danny Concannon:
You're right, you suck at it. You're going to need a tremendous amount of training.

Danny Concannon:
We're going to get good at new things.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
You don't know that.

Danny Concannon:
I do.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Don't make it sound like it's nothing.

Danny Concannon:
You didn't miss it.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What if I did?

Danny Concannon:
You didn't miss it.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
What if we can't...

Danny Concannon:
We'll figure it out. All of it. You can be scared. That's okay. But you're not going to walk away from me because you're scared. I'm not that scary.

[C.J. visits Toby to see how he's doing]

Toby Ziegler:
I read the Constitution. I think I found a typo.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
[arguing with Toby] You don't need a pardon, you need a frying pan to the side of your head.

C.J. Cregg:
I wanna do my job. I wanna suck every morsel of meat off this experience before it's over.

Danny Concannon:
Just get something done, will ya?

C.J. Cregg:
That'll come down to what it always comes down to.

Danny Concannon:
What's that?

C.J. Cregg:
How dirty do my feet have to get without disappearing into the mud in order to get an inch of what I really want done.

Danny Concannon:
We're both about to fall off a cliff. And I don't know what I'm gonna do with the rest of my life, except I know what I don't wanna do. And on Inauguration Day, you're going to be released from that glorious prison on Pennsylvania Avenue, with...

C.J. Cregg:
No human skills?

Danny Concannon:
Seems to me...

C.J. Cregg:
I should punch you in the face.

Danny Concannon:
That's what I'm talking about.

C.J. Cregg:
Keep going...

Danny Concannon:
So, if I'm gonna jump off the cliff, and you're gonna get pushed off the cliff, why don't we hold hands on the way down?

C.J. Cregg:
Men are like salmon. Swimming upstream, hosing down the riverbed with their indiscriminate seed...

Danny Concannon:
Indiscriminate seed?

C.J. Cregg:
Until...

Danny Concannon:
Did you just say "indiscriminate seed"?

C.J. Cregg:
Until they die, bloated and spent, belly-up in the sun.

Danny Concannon:
Oh, quit sweet-talkin' me, baby.

C.J. Cregg:
Unless they get taken out with a bear paw in the waterfall, as they deserve to be.

C.J. Cregg:
[Will enters C.J.'s office] You, I need. Come here.

Will Bailey:
What's wrong?

C.J. Cregg:
Close the door.

Will Bailey:
I didn't do it.

C.J. Cregg:
Close the door.

Will Bailey:
Toby did it.

C.J. Cregg:
Shut up.

Josh Lyman:
[on what to do with terrorists] I'd put 'em in a small cell and make them watch home movies of the birthdays and baptisms and weddings of every single person they killed over and over everyday for the rest of their lives. And then they'd get punched in the mouth every night at bedtime.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
We don't need martyrs right now. We need heroes. A hero would die for his country, but he'd much rather live for it.

Josh Lyman:
I'm going to be here six presidents from now, in my office, Wile E. Coyote and a map.

[Sam is addressing a group of students about terrorism]

Sam Seaborn:
We jumped out from behind bushes while the British came down the road in their bright red jackets, but never has a war been so courteously declared. It was on parchment with calligraphy, and "Your Highness, we beseech you on this day in Philadelphia to bite me, if you please."

Abbey Bartlet:
I was very young when I had my kids. I was very, very, very, very young. I was barely even born yet when I had my oldest daughter, Elizabeth

C.J. Cregg:
Liberties, schmiberties!

Toby Ziegler:
C.J. Cregg, ladies and gentlemen.

High-School Girl:
What do you call a society that has to just live every day with the idea that the pizza place you're eating in can just blow up without any warning?

Sam Seaborn:
Israel.

Toby Ziegler:
Bad people can't be recognized on sight. There's no point in trying.

Josh Lyman:
You want to get these people? I mean, you really want to reach in and kill them where they live? Keep accepting more than one idea. It makes them absolutely crazy.

Josh Lyman:
You're juniors and seniors. In honor of the SATs you're about to take, answer the following question:

[writing on dry eraseboard]

Josh Lyman:
Islamic extremist is to Islamic as "blank" is to Christianity.

Will Bailey:
Diane Frost is a serious name.

Josh Lyman:
Diane is a serious loon of the left.

Toby Ziegler:
I love Diane Frost. I'd marry Diane Frost if I were a member of her stated sexual preference, but Diane is the definition of unelectable.

Josh Lyman:
You like him?

Toby Ziegler:
Berryhill? I'm over the moon. This is my over-the-moon face.

C.J. Cregg:
The theme of this year's event is, "learning is delightful and delicious" - as, by the way, am I.

Toby Ziegler:
One victory in a year stinks in the life of an administration. But it's not the ones we lose that bother me, Leo. It's the ones we don't suit up for.

Josh Lyman:
I serve at the pleasure of the President of the United States.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Is Toby on his way?

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
C.J.?

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Why aren't they here right now?

Charlie Young:
They didn't know that it was raining, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Nothing like surrounding yourself with the best and the brightest, Charlie.

Donna Moss:
Two commissioners just resigned?

Josh Lyman:
At the same time.

Donna Moss:
How many times has that happened?

Josh Lyman:
Including this time?

Donna Moss:
Yeah.

Josh Lyman:
Once.

Major Tate:
Sir, we're not prejudiced toward homosexuals.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
You just don't want to see them serving in the Armed Forces?

Major Tate:
No sir, I don't.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
'Cause they impose a threat to unit discipline and cohesion.

Major Tate:
Yes, sir.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
That's what I think, too. I also think the military wasn't designed to be an instrument of social change.

Major Tate:
Yes, sir.

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
The problem with that is that's what they were saying about me 50 years ago - blacks shouldn't serve with whites. It would disrupt the unit. You know what? It did disrupt the unit. The unit got over it. The unit changed. I'm an admiral in the U.S. Navy and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff... Beat that with a stick.

Sam Seaborn:
[on why it's not going to rain] I got this from the U.S. Coast Guard. I got this from the National Weather Service. They use satellites. They use technology.

[there's a thunderclap, and a downpour of rain begins]

Toby Ziegler:
[very dry] This is the same satellite technology we use to detect intercontinental ballistic missiles, right?

Sam Seaborn:
Yeah.

Toby Ziegler:
All right, then.

President Josiah Bartlet:
We've heard it all before, Leo. You drive me to the political safe ground. It's not true.

Leo McGarry:
I know it's not true.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Good.

Leo McGarry:
You drive me there.

President Josiah Bartlet:
What the hell did you say?

Leo McGarry:
We're stuck in neutral because that's where you tell me to stay.

Leo McGarry:
Say it out loud. Say it to me.

President Josiah Bartlet:
This is more important than re-election. I want to speak now.

Leo McGarry:
Now we're in business.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Can we get this god-forsaken event over with so I can get back to presiding over a civilization gone to hell in a hand cart?

Mrs. Landingham:
Nice talk for a president.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Leave me alone.

Mrs. Landingham:
You know what this is, don't you, sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
What what is?

Mrs. Landingham:
Your mood, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Nothing wrong with my mood.

Mrs. Landingham:
It's your diet.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Will you get off me with that?

Mrs. Landingham:
You don't get enough roughage in your diet. You know I'm right about that.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I know I'd like to beat you senseless with a head of cabbage. I know that for damn sure.

[Prior to the president's speech at the American Association of Trout Fishermen convention]

Leo McGarry:
Are you going to concentrate on this now, or is your head going to be on changing the nature of democracy?

President Josiah Bartlet:
No, I'm definitely going to be thinking about the trout fishermen, Leo, 'cause that's where my focus should be.

Mrs. Landingham:
I'm going to lunch, Charlie.

Charlie Young:
Speaking of lunch...

Mrs. Landingham:
Yes?

Charlie Young:
The President's not too wild about his.

Mrs. Landingham:
What's the nature of his dissatisfaction?

Charlie Young:
He says it's made almost entirely of vegetables.

Mrs. Landingham:
Yes, it's a salad, Charlie.

Charlie Young:
The President would prefer a sandwich. He says roast beef will be fine, pastrami, sliced steak...

Mrs. Landingham:
Charlie, tell the President he will eat his salad, and if he doesn't like it, he knows where to put his salad.

Leo McGarry:
Listen up - our ground game isn't working. We're gonna put the ball in the air. If we're gonna walk into walls, I want us running into 'em full speed.

President Josiah Bartlet:
You didn't know it was raining?

Toby Ziegler:
To our credit, sir, we knew it was raining once it started to rain.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Toby, are you in here sticking up for Sam?

Toby Ziegler:
I know it's strange, sir. But I'm feeling a... a certain... big brotherly connection right now. You know, obviously, I'd like that feeling to go away as soon as possible, but for the moment I think there's no danger in the White House standing by Sam and aggressively going after the people who set him up.

Ambassador Ken Cochran:
I'm sorry to do this, but I'd like to speak to your supervisor.

Charlie Young:
Well, I'm personal aide to the President, so my supervisor's a little busy right now looking for a back door to this place to shove you out of. But I'll let him know you'd like to lodge a complaint.

President Josiah Bartlet:
We agree on nothing, Max.

Senator Lobell:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Education, guns, drugs, school prayer, gays, defense spending, taxes - you name it, we disagree.

Senator Lobell:
You know why?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Because I'm a lily-livered, bleeding-heart, liberal, egghead communist.

Senator Lobell:
Yes, sir. And I'm a gun-toting, redneck son-of-a-b*tch.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Yes, you are.

Senator Lobell:
We agree on that.

Donna Moss:
A guy takes his assistant on a quick trip to Maui. It's not, like, unheard of.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Let me just tell you that I need a favor.

Ted Mitchell:
Oh, of course, sir.

President Josiah Bartlet:
I need you to hire a guy.

Ted Mitchell:
Who, sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
The former ambassador to Bulgaria.

Ted Mitchell:
Who is that, sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Ken Cochran.

Ted Mitchell:
Well, isn't Ken Cochran the current ambassador to Bulgaria?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Not for long. Look, he's a good man, a smart man. I think he'd make a very good corporate officer.

Ted Mitchell:
Why is he being fired, sir?

President Josiah Bartlet:
Gross incompetence. I'll be right back.

Josh Lyman:
C.J. started the briefing already?

Donna Moss:
A half-hour ago.

Josh Lyman:
The briefing's not supposed to start till 11:00.

Donna Moss:
Guess what?

Josh Lyman:
My watch sucks?

Donna Moss:
Yes, indeed.

Ambassador Ken Cochran:
I think it would be appropriate at this time, Mr. President, to make a confession.

President Josiah Bartlet:
What's that?

Ambassador Ken Cochran:
I never voted for you.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Well, thanks for trying, but here I am, anyway. Gotta go.

Josh Lyman:
My watch says ten to seven.

Donna Moss:
That's cause your watch sucks.

Josh Lyman:
My watch is fine.

Donna Moss:
Your watch says ten to seven.

Josh Lyman:
How do we know it isn't ten to seven?

Donna Moss:
Cause those large clocks on the wall that are run by the US Navy say your watch sucks. In fact they say your watch sucks in four different time zones.

Josh Lyman:
When I get back, you're gonna argue with me and we're gonna argue about the things I wanna argue about and you're gonna do your best not to annoy me too much.

Joey Lucas:
It's almost hard to believe you're not married.

Josh Lyman:
Oh ho! Many have tried.

Toby Ziegler:
Since when are you an expert on language?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
In polling models?

Toby Ziegler:
Okay.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
1993. Since when are you an uptight pain in the ass?

Toby Ziegler:
Since long before that.

Charlie Young:
Are you eating a salad?

Toby Ziegler:
Yeah.

Charlie Young:
Why?

Toby Ziegler:
'Cause I am.

Charlie Young:
I don't think I've ever seen you eat a salad. What kind of salad is it?

Toby Ziegler:
I don't know...

Charlie Young:
Just mixed greens?

Toby Ziegler:
I don't know what kind of salad it is, I'm eating a salad, okay? I'm doing it, do I have to know the names? There's no difference between them, it's a bowl of weeds!

Toby Ziegler:
Some of them have cheese, this isn't the kind with cheese, does that answer your question?

Toby Ziegler:
Man, how many years have you been: "Toby, you eat like a teenager, Toby, that's red meat, that's your second cigar!" And here I am, eating a salad, which by the way you could smother up this with barbecue sauce, and it would still taste like the ground, and I'm getting heckled from the gallery!... who wanted to come in here eating his roast beef sandwich with ketchup on a Kaiser roll, and watch the damn tennis on my TV!

Toby Ziegler:
That's all I'm saying!

Charlie Young:
Man, you're really doing all you can to marry that woman!

Charlie Young:
Helen Baldwin is gonna write a book. She's retained an agent, who sent around a two-page outline and there's a bidding war. Random House has bought it for low seven figures according to Stu Winkle. Could that possibly be his real name? [reading newspaper] "Baldwin, long a fixture in D.C. and Manhattan Society, whether for her work on charity boards or her position on the arm of some of Wall Street, Washington and Hollywood's most eligble men, as well as hosting some of the beltways favorite..." What the hell kind of a sentence is this? There's a seventy three year old lady who works in the Residence, cleaning and winding all the clocks. She won't retire. She inherited it from her mother, who inherited it from her mother. She earns $22,000 a year. She's trusted to walk in and out of rooms where there's personal correspondence, where she can hear if the President and the First Lady are having a fight, where she can see people come for secret meetings. And she's been doing this for five decades worth of presidents. Her name is Mrs. Wheely and I said, "Mrs. Wheely, you should really write a book!" and she said, "No, no, no! We don't do that." 22,000 a year!

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
The farmers are victims of this Republican Congress.

Joe Quincy:
I don't get a vote in the US House of Representatives, but I do go to the grocery store. I know that food is cheaper, and I know that when life expectancy goes up, that's not victimizing undertakers.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Well argued, though I do hate you and everything you stand for.

Joe Quincy:
Claudia Jean, you've only known me for four minutes. It usually takes people the better part of an hour to hate me and everything I stand for.

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I'm the Press Secretary Boo-Boo. I don't have that kind of time.

Leo McGarry:
You can't be taken down by this cheap person.

Sam Seaborn:
I admire your pluck.

Mandy Hampton:
I'm - I'm sorry, what part of me do you admire?

Leo McGarry:
[on Marbury] You're really gonna let him loose in the White House, where there's liquor and women?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
We can hide the women. But the man deserves a drink

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
All I'm trying to do right now? I'm trying to avoid making eye contact with the CIA Director.

George Rollie:
Mr. President...

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Three hundred thousand troops? I can't move my motorcade from K Street to Connecticut without it showing up on a weather satellite!

George Rollie:
We dropped the ball, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Pick it up again - would you please?

George Rollie:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Any chance this is an exercise?

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
No, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
A threat gesture?

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
Possibly.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Any nuclear activity?

Admiral Percy Fitzwallace:
We don't know, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Oh, I wouldn't worry about that. That's probably not important information.

[Charlie seeks and obtains the President's permission to date his daughter]

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Just remember these two things: she's nineteen years old, and the 82nd Airborne works for me.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Toby, how much do you know about India and Pakistan?

Toby Ziegler:
I know that any war between these two countries that begins with conventional weapons isn't going to end that way.

Indian ambassador:
You look well, Mr. President.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I was looking a lot better before your country breached about 14 ceasefire conditions without so much as a phone call.

Mandy Hampton:
We're going to look good in California.

Josh Lyman:
I'm going to look pale.

Mandy Hampton:
I meant the President.

Mandy Hampton:
So, you're gonna talk to Josh and Toby?

Sam Seaborn:
You're going to owe me a big favor.

Mandy Hampton:
Sam...

Sam Seaborn:
All right, we'll be even.

Mandy Hampton:
Sam...

Sam Seaborn:
All right, I'll do this and many more favors for you and then we'll be even.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
My daughter asked you out?

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I should've locked her in the dungeon.

Charlie Young:
I don't think you've got one, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I could've built one.

Charlie Young:
Mr. President?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I'll take the Indian ambassador in the Oval Office.

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
And then if you could just ask the Secret Service to step in and kill me, please.

Charlie Young:
Yes, sir.

Claypool:
...in your investigation, did you find any evidence of staff drug use?

Josh Lyman:
No.

Claypool:
I'd like to remind you that you're under oath.

Sam Seaborn:
And I'd like to remind you that that's the seventh time that you've reminded him since he sat down.

Leo McGarry:
[on Lord John Marbury] He thinks I'm the butler.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
For the first couple of weeks, so did I.

Sam Seaborn:
You're a cheap hack. And if you come after Leo, I'm gonna bust you like a pinata.

Lord John Marbury:
You're all frightened... as well you should be. Not since the Protestant-Catholic wars in the 16th Century has Western society known anything remotely comparable to the subcontinent's religious malevolence. Uh, to a lesser observer, the intensity of the emotional frenzy is so illogical as to border on mass psychosis. but, as has been said by kings and queens, I am not a lesser observer.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
John, there's a quote from Revelations I...

Lord John Marbury:
[Cutting Bartlet off mid-sentence] "And I looked and I beheld a pale horse, and the name that sat on him was Death and, Hell followed with him."

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
He [Charlie] wants to go out with Zoey.

[Leo cracks a huge smirk]

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Shut up.

Lord John Marbury:
So, uh, tell me, how can I be of service to you? If it's within my power to give, you shall have it.

Toby Ziegler:
I feel that I didn't have the opportunity to properly articulate my argument.

Toby Ziegler:
[after Charlie beats him at a game of pool without Toby picking up his cue] Nice game. It was fun to watch.

Toby Ziegler:
C.J.?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Yeah.

Toby Ziegler:
You want to play some pool?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
I don't know how to play pool.

Toby Ziegler:
You wanna play for money?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
Sure.

Reporter:
I think the question was, was he physically and emotionally prepared to make a life-and-death decision after what he'd just been through?

Claudia Jean 'C.J.' Cregg:
He'd been through a TV interview and a press conference. The President finds you all annoying, but not prohibitively debilitating.

Josh Lyman:
I said to you, I said this. I said, "Do you want food?"

Donna Moss:
Yeah.

Josh Lyman:
And you said, "No, I don't want any food."

Donna Moss:
Yeah.

Josh Lyman:
And now you're eating my food!

Donna Moss:
I kind of think you'd have learned that by now.

Josh Lyman:
Are you eating the rest of the sandwich?

Donna Moss:
Are you?

Abbey Bartlet:
You missed it. It was incredible.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Look...

Abbey Bartlet:
It was all over the news.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
Abbey...

Abbey Bartlet:
This crazy man got in front of millions of people and totally screwed his wife.

President Josiah 'Jed' Bartlet:
That's funny, 'cause that's sort of what I did.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
There's a new book, and we're gonna write it. You can win if you run a smart, disciplined campaign. If you studiously say nothing - nothing that causes you trouble, nothing that's a gaffe, nothing that shows you might think the wrong thing, nothing that shows you think. But it just isn't worthy of us, is it Toby?

Toby Ziegler:
No, sir.

Josh Lyman:
It's true, sir. America does not want Dr. Kevorkian to lead the country. We've got polling data on that.

Bruno Gianelli:
The sooner you get I know what I'm talking about, and I'm on your side, the sooner your world gets better.

Douglas Wegland:
I'm from Oregon. In Oregon we like to see a man stand up and say he's sorry. Where are you from?

Toby Ziegler:
Me?

Douglas Wegland:
Yeah.

Toby Ziegler:
I'm from the United States of suck my...

Josh Lyman:
All right! Let's take lunch.

Douglas Wegland:
Republicans talk about how arrogant you guys are. I always thought it was the natural reaction that comes to not getting the girl. I can't believe how much they've been low-balling it.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
But I am not satisfied. Indeed, Leo, I am close to taking my own life with a wheat thresher

Leo McGarry:
Bruno.

Bruno Gianelli:
Yeah, uh, listen up. I-I've been thinking. It might not be such a bad idea to lock you all in here and set the place on fire. We have forty-eight hours before we kick off this campaign. We will all work Hard, we will all work well, and we will all work together, or, so help me, Mother of God, I will stick a pitchfork so far up your asses, you will quite simply be dead.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
And so, with pride and purpose, I hereby announce my candidacy for the Presidency of the United States.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Did you know that hardly any of the guys who landed on the moon are married to the same people they were married to before they went there?

Abbey Bartlet:
What?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I'm just saying that it could be worse. I could have been an astronaut.

Abbey Bartlet:
You could not have been an astronaut.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I'd have been a great astronaut!

Abbey Bartlet:
You're afraid of heights, speed, fire and small places!

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I'd have overcome it to go to the moon.

Abbey Bartlet:
I know you would have. [pauses] There's something important I have to say.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
Say it.

Abbey Bartlet:
I haven't really made up my mind yet, but at the moment, I'm leaning towards voting for you.

Josh Lyman:
Senator, take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass.

Josh Lyman:
I'd like to clear up that I don't have suits for days of the week. This is just a regular suit.

Sam Seaborn:
It's a nice suit.

Donna Moss:
Sure it's a nice suit, it's his Joey Lucas suit.

Josh Lyman:
Donna!

Donna Moss:
I'm beginning to regret not getting the waffles.

Leo McGarry:
I am beginning to regret having hired any of you! We have a 42% job approval and you're talking about waffles and something with Josh I don't understand.

Donna Moss:
He's wearing a special suit for Joey Lucas.

Leo McGarry:
You got dressed up for a guy named Joey?

Senate Majority Leader:
[on Josh, after Bartlet announces his FEC nomminees] I'm gonna reach down his throat and take out his lungs with an ice cream scoop!

Josh Lyman:
Hi Senator, why don't you take your legislative agenda and shove it up your ass.

Josh Lyman:
[tossing phone to Donna] Turns out I was fine.

Bonnie:
[as Josh enters the bullpen, people applaud] Rambo!

Josh Lyman:
You talkin' to me?

Bonnie:
Nice phone call.

Josh Lyman:
That's how we do things in New England my friend!

Bonnie:
In Indiana, we're not allowed to talk like that.

Ginger:
In New Jersey, we encourage it

Toby Ziegler:
I'm a responsible adult.

Andrea Wyatt:
I'm a member of the United States Congress.

Toby Ziegler:
I rest my case.

Leo McGarry:
We play the full nine innings at this level, Stuart. Tell your friends about it.

Josh Lyman:
You know what this is like? This is like The Godfather when Pacino tells James Caan that he's going to kill the cop. It's a lot like that scene only not really.

Charlie Young:
[telling the President that he has to practice throwing a baseball with a bullet proof vest on before throwing the first pitch out at a baseball game] Sir, everyone agrees.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Like who?

Charlie Young:
Leo, Josh, CJ, your wife, the Notre Dame athletic department...

Clifford Reynolds - Teacher:
May I ask you if you believe in the theory of evolution?

Matthew Santos:
Well, I think it'd be very difficult to teach geology, anthropology, and zoology without evolution, so yes, I do. I don't believe it's contradictory to believe in science and believe in God.

Clifford Reynolds - Teacher:
Do you believe that the theory of Intelligent Design and the Theory of Evolution should be taught alongside each other in the public schools?

Matthew Santos:
Absolutely not. One is based on science, the other is based on faith. Intelligent Design is not a scientific theory, it's a religious belief. And our Constitution does not allow for the teaching of religion in our public schools.

Clifford Reynolds - Teacher:
Many of us here would be more comfortable if our children were taught all points of view.

Matthew Santos:
And I'm all for that. Evolution is not perfect. It doesn't answer every question but it is based on scientific facts; facts that can be predicted, tested, and proven. Intelligent Design asks theological questions. I'm sure that many of us would agree that at the beginning of all that begat-ing, something begun. [the people laugh] What was that something?

Clifford Reynolds - Teacher:
Congressman Santos, many of us want a version of science taught to our kids that's in accordance with our beliefs.

Matthew Santos:
I understand. But can't we agree that the inclusion of non-scientific explanations into the science curriculum of our schools misrepresents the nature of science? And therefore compromises a central purpose in our public education which is the preparation of a scientifically literate workforce. If you have a problem with your child's education, get involved. If you have a problem with what the School Board wants to teach, run for School Board. We can never forget that the best way to preserve our democracy is to take part in it. Thanks for your question. Thank you all.

Josh Lyman:
The President's daughter, Chief of Staff's daughter, a Georgetown bar and Sam. What could possibly go wrong?

C.J. Cregg:
Why Josh, you've... you've swept me off my feet.

Josh Lyman:
Whatever.

[the President's daughter chafes at her Secret Service protection]

President Josiah Bartlet:
My getting killed would be bad enough, but that is not the nightmare scenario. The nightmare scenario, sweetheart, is *you* getting kidnapped. You go out to a bar or a party in some club and you get up to go to the restroom and somebody comes from behind and puts their hand across your mouth and whisks you out the back door. You're so petrified you don't even notice the bodies of a few Secret Service agents lying on the ground with bullet holes in their heads. Then you're whisked away in a car. It's a big party with lots of noise and lots of people coming and going, and it's a half hour before someone says, "Hey, where's Zoey?" Another fifteen minutes before the first phone call. It's another hour and a half before anyone even *thinks* to shut down all the airports. Now we're off to the races. You're tied to a chair in a cargo shack somewhere in the middle of Uganda and I am told that I have 72 hours to get Israel to free 460 terrorist prisoners. So I'm on the phone pleading with Be Yabin and he's saying: "I'm sorry, Mr. President, but Israel simply does not negotiate with terrorists, period. It's the only way we can survive." So now we got a new problem because this country no longer has a Commander-in-chief, it has a father who's out of his mind because his little girl is in a shack somewhere in Uganda with a gun to her head. Do you get it?

Zoey Bartlet:
Yes.

Congressman Gladman:
I thought we were here to talk about the census.

Josh Lyman:
We are. The White House just wanted to take this opportunity to point out that you are criminals and despots.

[Donna and Josh are discussing what should be done with the budget surplus]

Donna Moss:
What's wrong with me getting my money back?

Josh Lyman:
You won't spend it right.

Donna Moss:
What do you mean?

Josh Lyman:
Let's say your cut of the surplus is $700. I want to take your money, combine it with everybody else's money and use it to pay down the debt and further endow Social Security. What do you want to do with it?

Donna Moss:
Buy a DVD player.

Josh Lyman:
See?

Donna Moss:
But my $700 is helping employ the people who manufacture and sell DVD players, not to mention the people who manufacture and sell DVDs. It's the natural evolution of a market economy.

Josh Lyman:
The problem is the DVD player you buy might be made in Japan.

Donna Moss:
I'll buy an American one.

Josh Lyman:
We don't trust you.

Donna Moss:
Why not?

Josh Lyman:
We're Democrats.

Donna Moss:
I want my money back.

Josh Lyman:
You shouldn't have voted for us.

[a cadre of Secret Service Agents just arrested the Frat boys in the Bar]

Charlie Young:
Now I'm having a good time.

Leo McGarry:
Mr President, please; Congress, the Joint Chiefs, the American Public, your own staff, everyone disagrees with your assessment of the situation.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Killing Palestinians isn't going to make us feel safer. They'll kill more of us and we'll have to kill more of them. It's Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun.

Leo McGarry:
We can't allow terrorists to murder our citizens without...

President Josiah Bartlet:
-Why would Palestinians murder American government officials? They never have before. They're deliberately provoking us, Leo. They know that we have to retaliate. They've studied us, they want us to overreact.

Leo McGarry:
This isn't overreacting, this is the appropriate, balanced...

President Josiah Bartlet:
[shouting] Tell me how this ends, Leo! You want me to start something that may have serious repercussions on American foreign policy for decades, but you don't know how this ends!

Leo McGarry:
[shouting] We don't always know how it ends!

[pause]

Leo McGarry:
The Lincoln will be in position in a few hours, and then you're going to have to give the go ahead for the bombings.

President Josiah Bartlet:
Or what?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I'm saying it's not stress. I was feeling stressed five nights ago too, and I slept just fine.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
So what happened four nights ago?

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I want my money back.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
[pauses] This is a very unusual conversation.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I get that a lot.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
I'd imagine.

Andrea Wyatt:
The U.S. Constitution defends religious pluralism. It doesn't reduce all of Islam to fanaticism.

Toby Ziegler:
Neither does the speech. It calls fanaticism fanaticism.

Andrea Wyatt:
Toby...

Toby Ziegler:
It's fanaticism whether we call it that or not, so were going to call it that. We respect all religions, all cultures.

Andrea Wyatt:
To a point.

Toby Ziegler:
Yes, to a point. Grotesque oppression isn't okay just because it's been institutionalized. If you ask me, we should have gotten into the game three, four decades ago, but they're coming for us now, so it's time to saddle up!

Toby Ziegler:
Well... How about when we, instead of blowing Iraq back to the seventh century for harbouring terrorists and trying to develop nuclear weapons, we just imposed economic sanctions and were reviled by the Arab world for not giving them a global charge card and a free trade treaty? How about when we pushed Israel to give up land for peace? How about when we sent American soldiers to protect Saudi Arabia, and the Arab world told us we were desecrating their holy land? We'll ignore the fact that we were invited. How about two weeks ago, in the State of the Union when the President praised the Islamic people as faithful and hardworking only to be denounced in the Arab press as knowing nothing about Islam? But none of that is the point.

Andrea Wyatt:
What is the point?

Toby Ziegler:
I don't remember having to explain to Italians that our problem wasn't with them, but with Mussolini! Why does the U.S. have to take every Arab country out for an ice cream cone? They'll like us when we win!

Ainsley Hayes:
If I felt demeaned, I'd be among the very first people to know it.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
So, what do you charge?

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
$375 an hour.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
For $375 an hour, you ought to bring your own damn lingerie.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
I do.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
There's a great story about Arthur Miller. Death of a Salesman had just opened on Broadway the night before, and he was walking around his old neighborhood in Brooklyn, and he sees a hot dog vendor that he went to high school with, and he says, 'Hey Jimmy, it's me, Arthur Miller'. And the hot dog vendor says, 'Artie, how you doing? What you been up to?' And Miller says, 'I'm, you know, I'm a playwright'. The hot dog vendor says, 'Hmm, play writing... I should've gone into that'. [chuckles] $375 an hour.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
Yes, sir.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
For what?

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
I don't really know.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
Screw around if you want, but it's your money, it's about to be my money, and I sleep fine.

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
It can't be easy being you

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
I told you...

Dr. Stanley Keyworth:
I don't mean the job. I meant, you know, being inside your head.

President Josiah "Jed" Bartlet:
What's wrong with my head?