The Whitest Kids U'Know

[Point-Counterpoint]

Host:
Why do hunters need bullets that can pierce through bulletproof vests?

Jerry Bronham:
Do I really have to spell this out for you? What if a bunch of punk kids go into the woods and strap a bulletproof vest on a bear? Then what've you got? Invincible bears.

[Englishman #1 begins to urinate on Englishman #2's leg]

Englishman #2:
I say, sir. You seem to be peeing upon my leg.

Englishman #1:
Ah, what's all this?

Englishman #2:
Uh, good sir, you seem to be peeing upon my leg.

Englishman #1:
Ah! Well, it seems to me that your leg's in the way of my pee stream.

Englishman #2:
Yes, yes, well, I'm sure you'd find if you would just kindly angle your pee stream a fraction to the left, that it would find it's way to the ground quite uninterrupted.

Englishman #1:
And I'm quite sure that if you'd but move your leg a fraction to the left, you would find it would cease to be peed upon.

Englishman #2:
Yes, yes, yes, yes. But my leg was here first.

Englishman #1:
Yes, and still I pee.

Englishman #2:
Hmm.

Englishman #2:
It appears we're at an impasse.

Englishman #2:
Yes, I see, but you will eventually run out of pee, of which to expel upon my leg, thus leaving me the victor in this little battle.

[Englishman #1 brandishes a watter bottle]

Englishman #1:
Ha!

Englishman #2:
Hmm, touch?. Touch?. And yet you merely delay the inevitable. 'Cause eventually that water bottle will be rendered dry and your bladder will follow in turn.

Englishman #1:
[to British Boy] I say, boy!

British Boy:
Yes, gov'nor?

Englishman #1:
Be a good chap. Run to Boobie's Water Pub, return here with a half-liter. Be a good lad, and steady, and they'll be more employment where that came from.

Englishman #2:
I say, boy, I'll give you a whole two pence not to go to Boobie's Water Pub, and instead to go home and mind your studies.

British Boy:
Oh, boy! My studies!

Englishman #1:
You get to Boobie's Water Pub or I'll box your ears!

British Boy:
Right!

[pause]

Englishman #1:
And still I pee.

Englishman #2:
Yes, yes, you still pee, and I still stand. And I can stand here all night, for I am unemployed.

Englishman #1:
Ah, as it is with me.

Englishman #2:
Ah-ha! Then you shan't long afford this errand boy to supply you with your future pee stream.

Englishman #1:
[thinks] I shall offer him sexual favors.

Englishman #2:
Sexual favors? But he's just a boy!

Englishman #1:
But we are British.

Englishman #2:
Touch?. And yet you overlook something. How do you plan to perform these sexual favors you intend to promise this boy if your genitalia is indefinitely committed to the act of peeing upon my person?

Englishman #1:
I happen to know that the child enjoys golden showers.

Englishman #2:
Ah-ha! Then his face will have to interrupt your pee stream, thus freeing my leg of its flow.

Englishman #1:
Ah. The boy will take up the act of peeing upon your leg, and I in turn will pee upon his face.

Englishman #2:
You clever devil. The game is on.

[They shake hands]

Englishman #1:
It's a gentleman's challenge. May the best man win.

Narrator:
We all know the story by now. William Shakespeare and Sir Francis Bacon continued on that way and their final plays they were working on were never finished. They battled on into the night. Spring turned to summer, summer to fall, fall to winter. Centuries passed, then millennia. Empires rose and fell, suns exploded. JFK was assassinated and then re-born in Argentina. Thirty-eight years later, he died in infancy of cholera. But I digress... enough about our former president who now walks the streets as a bizarre half-shadow, half-man named "Tankra" whose only fear is the light and only joy the dark... but again, I digress... for as we all know, to speak Tankra's name is to to summon her awful presence.

Angry Mormon Father:
[constantly shouting] Timothy! Come here!

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
Yes, father.

Petrified Mormon Mother:
Timothy, your father and I...

Angry Mormon Father:
SHOOSH! Timothy, your mother and I are going to the opera tonight! Now, I know that before today you have been left in the charge of a BABYSITTER!

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
[nods] Yes.

Angry Mormon Father:
However, today is your thirteenth birthday!

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
It is? What day is it? Let me write it down.

Angry Mormon Father:
Timmy, SHOOSH! Now, since you are 13 years old, your mother and I...

[he puts his arm on her shoulder; she yelps]

Angry Mormon Father:
Your mother and I have decided to leave you alone tonight! I have left the number of the *theater* on the *refrigerator*, I have informed our neighbor, Mr. *Gludge*, that you will be left unattended! Should *any* emergencies arise, you are to go *directly* to him! We will return at 11:30! I expect you in BED, ASLEEP. TEETH. CLEANED. HOMEWORK. DONE!

Petrified Mormon Mother:
[murmurs incoherently]

Angry Mormon Father:
SHOOSH! Now, Timothy, since you are 13 years old, I shall now touch you for the first time physically, in the form of a handshake.

[they touch hands]

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
Wow, my father's hand! It feels just like I thought it would!

Angry Mormon Father:
Happy birthday, son.

Timothy the Mormon Manchild:
Thank you, sir!

Zach:
We wanna join the army!

Trevor:
We wanna be in a plane! And one of the planes that shoots, not one of those faggy food planes.

Sergeant:
Ok, so you want to join the Air Force Division.

Zach:
...I guess.

Sergeant:
That's where the airplanes are.

Trevor, Zach:
Ohhhh!

Trevor:
*Air* Force, *air*plane. Makes sense.

Sergeant:
Ok, so your preferred assignment would be to...

Zach:
OR, we want a gun that's so big that you can't even hold it, and it needs wheels! Ha! Awesome!

Sergeant:
Ok, well that sounds more like Infantry.

Trevor:
I wanna parachute at night into a city!

Sergeant:
Well, now, that sounds like Air Force.

Trevor:
Air Force, that sounds cool! It's like, the force of the air!

Sergeant:
You guys know that this is a serious decision that you're making...

Zach:
Seriously awesome!

Sergeant:
There's been a lot of fighting lately, with these terrorist groups...

Zach:
Yes! I wanna be a terrorist!

Trevor:
The terror of the force of the air!

Sergeant:
...No, we are against the terrorists.

Trevor:
That's right, because they double crossed us! They were double agents!

Sergeant:
No, that's not what happened...

Trevor:
My spy name is gonna be Sergeant Eagle Fort!

Zach:
And you can call me Crowbar!

Sergeant:
I think you two should put some serious thought into this.

Zach:
We've got this all planned out, baby.

[in an office, the employee is pitching new TV show ideas to his boss]

Employee:
He was a young, well-to-do stock trader, shopping for a gift for his fianc?e, until one fateful day when he accidentally broke a priceless vase! Now the tables have turned, and this young go-getter must spend his life in service to this eccentric Asian shopkeeper! Check out the hilarious new show, Yuppie Indentured Servant!

Boss:
...well... the problem with your pitch is that the show is racist...

Employee:
What? It's a fish-out-of-water story!

Boss:
Okay, but, the fish-out-of-water story is that it's weird for a white man to be a slave to an Asian man, which suggests that the norm would be the other way around.

Employee:
Psh. I guess. Whatever. So do you like it?

Boss:
...No.

Employee:
Aw, shitburgers! I got another one.

Boss:
Okay.

Employee:
[sings] Well, he was riding his bike, and then the lightning strikes, and now he reads real fast, he's good at science and math, Black Doctor!

Boss:
...I'm gonna go out on a limb, here. Where exactly did he get the bike?

Employee:
He stole it!

Boss:
Right, that's what I thought. You know, I don't think we're gonna be going down the road with Black Doctor.

Employee:
Really? Damn it! Ok, I got one more.

Boss:
Go ahead.

Employee:
It's called "Jew Town"!

Boss:
Nope!

Employee:
How 'bout "Too Many Lesbos"?

Boss:
Nope!

Employee:
"What's the Deal with Mexican Tits"?

Boss:
Get out.

Father:
You see boys, your mother and I have gotten to that point that a lot of married couples reach, where we've grown tired of the mundane and the routine. At this point, a lot of couples tend to have extra marital affairs.

Trevor:
[grossed out] Aw, dad...

Father:
Hey, hey, let me finish. So to avoid the pitfalls that affect so many couples, your mother and I have decided to spice up the proverbial "sack".

Trevor:
Aw, come on!

Father:
Hey, hey, hold on! So instead of cheating on your mother with another woman, I've decided to cheat on her vagina with her butthole!

Trevor, Zach, Sam:
Oh, dad!

Sam:
Be quiet!

Father:
Hey, hey, now that's called being a good dad! Everybody's happy! Your mom's happy she's not being cheated on, I'm definitely happy, and you kids are happy that you have such a happy pop! That family's all together!

Captain:
Mr. Frank Rosenthorp, you have been found guilty of treason. And it has been decided that you should be put to death...by firing squad.

Prisoner:
NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Captain:
Shut up! Now, do you have any last words?

Prisoner:
[menacingly] Yes. Just three.

[silence]

Captain:
...okay...moving on.

Captain:
Firing squad; each of you has been handed a rifle. In only one of these rifles is there an actual bullet. This is so that no one will know who actually fires the shot, and no one will have to bear the weight of guilt on their conscience. Understood?

Squad Member 2, Squad Member 1:
Aye.

Captain:
Alright. Now on my mark, you will aim at the criminal, and fire.

Prisoner:
IF YOU DARE!

Captain:
Shut up! Alright. Ready? Aim! Fire!

[three shots are sounded, but none hit the prisoner]

Captain:
Okay, nobody hit him. You have to aim, alright? Whoever has the bullet didn't hit him. Don't assume you don't have the bullet, you still have to aim.

Squad Member 2, Squad Member 1:
I did! I was aiming! [ect]

Captain:
Well, aim better. Robertson? Paying attention?

Squad Member 2:
Hey, why'd you single me out?

Captain:
No reason.

Squad Member 2:
I have the bullet, don't I?

Captain:
I didn't say that...

Squad Member 2:
Well, I'm glad I didn't aim, I can't bear that guilt!

Captain:
Oh! ...gimme the guns back. I'm shuffling the guns, that way we don't know who has what gun, it's all gonna be shuffled, alright? Here's your guns.

Squad Member 1:
[points at Squad Member 1's gun] It's that one. I watched.

Captain:
...gimmie the guns back. Alright, don't watch this time! I'm shuffling where no one can see me.

Prisoner:
You men, free me and tie him to the post! And I shall make thee kings!

Captain:
Shut up! Alright, here's your guns. Now -

[Squad Member 1 looks in gun barrel of his gun]

Captain:
Don't look in there!

Squad Member 2:
Was it the one?

Squad Member 1:
Nope, it's good.

Captain:
...gimmie the guns back.

Dave:
Hey Bill! Hey Bill! Bill!

Bill:
Hey Dave, shh!

Dave:
What's going on?

Bill:
Wendy's sleeping!

Dave:
C'mon man! Don't wake her up, c'mon, let's go! Race war!

Bill:
Race war? What do you mean?

Dave:
Didn't we always talk about wanting to do that?

Bill:
No...I don't remember that at all.

Dave:
...C'mon Bill! Race war! You can be Captain! I'm gonna be Sergeant! Oh, is that Wendy?

Bill:
Yeah, you woke her up!

Dave:
Tell her I said hey! Is she still mad at me?

Bill:
Yeah, she is.

Dave:
C'mon man, race war! Bring her! No, don't bring her. She's...what is she?

Bill:
Italian.

Dave:
Yeah, don't bring her. Hey, you wanna get her? Oh no, you like her, that's right. Well don't tell her, she might tell the Italians.

Bill:
Dude, it's the same race.

Dave:
As what?

Bill:
Us.

Dave:
What? No...we're American.

Bill:
Kind of...

Dave:
What are you?

Bill:
English.

Dave:
Oh! [holds up his bat, jokingly] That's American. [a truck drives by] There's one! C'mon Bill, I'm gonna get that guy, I'll come back!

[runs off screen, and then back on]

Dave:
He was in a truck. Couldn't get him.

[A man lies on the ground dying, having just been accidentally shot by a hunter]

Jerry Bronham:
Whoa, Bob, that was definitely not a deer.

Dying Man:
You gotta get help!

Bob:
Just hang tight, man, I'm gonna go get help right now!

Jerry Bronham:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Bob, let's take a minute to think this thing through.

Bob:
What's there to think about?

Jerry Bronham:
Oh, I don't know. A man is shot, we have guns, and you want to go get other people?

Bob:
We've gotta notify the authorities!

Jerry Bronham:
See, those are the exact people I wouldn't really want to be here.

Dying Man:
I'm a very wealthy man!

Jerry Bronham:
Wealthy man mean good lawyers, Bob, the decision's getting easier all the time!

Dying Man:
I have children! I have three sons at home!

Jerry Bronham:
Three sons grow up to be three grown men, Bob, grown men with vendetta's against their father's murderers...

Dying Man:
Help! Jesus!

Jerry Bronham:
Uh oh, Bob, he's getting Jesus involved! Better hurry, it only takes Jesus 4.5 seconds to get to earth!

Trevor:
It's good to see you - look at you! You look great! What, uh - what do you got there?

Zach:
Oh uh, this is a gallon of PCP.

Trevor:
A... wow! A-a gallon! That's... that's illegal, isn't it?

Zach:
It's a felony.

Trevor:
It's a *felony*! Wow, and... here you are... with it anyway! That is... wow! I didn't even know it... came in liquid form!

Zach:
Science.

Trevor:
Whoah. So, uh... do you do a lot of PCP?

Zach:
Well, got a gallon, so...

Trevor:
Right right, I guess you do... *wow*, so what do you?

Zach:
I work in an investment facility downtown. It's mostly just property acquisitions.

Trevor:
*Huh*! That sounds *successful*!

Zach:
What do you do?

Trevor:
Oh, uh... I work at the Binko's.

Zach:
I don't know what Binko's is.

Trevor:
It's a - an office supply store type thing.

Zach:
Secretary stuff?

Trevor:
Eh, yeah... but a *gallon*! Here you are with a gallon! Wow.

Trevor:
Zach? Zach Cregger?

[Zach tries to remember who Trevor is]

Trevor:
Trevor...

Zach:
Trevor Moore!

Trevor:
Yeah!

Zach:
I haven't seen you in 7...

Trevor:
...8 years! Since senior year at Brown! So, look at you! You look fantastic! What's that you've got there?

Zach:
This is a gallon of PCP.

Trevor:
.....wh...wow! A...a gallon?

Zach:
Yeah.

Trevor:
...That's illegal, right?

Zach:
Yeah, it's a felony.

Trevor:
A - a felony! Wow. And, here you are with it anyway. That's...so...wow...I, uh, I didn't even know PCP came in liquid form.

Zach:
Science.

Trevor:
Whoa. So..uh...do you, uh, do a lot of PCP?

Zach:
Got a gallon..

Trevor:
Right...wow...so...what do you do?

Zach:
I work at this investment firm downtown, it's mostly property acquisitions, stuff like that.

Trevor:
[surprised] That sounds...successful..

Zach:
What do you do?

Trevor:
Oh, I work down at the Binko's.

Zach:
I don't know what Binko's is...

Trevor:
It's an office supply store.

Zach:
Secretary stuff?

Trevor:
Eh...but, uh...but a gallon!

[cont.]

Zach:
Yeah.

Trevor:
So, uh...oh, do you still see Candace?

Zach:
No, she passed away.

Trevor:
Oh! I'm so sorry, I didnt' know. How long ago did that happen?

Zach:
Uh, about four...

Trevor:
[nodding] Four years ago.

Zach:
No, pm.

Trevor:
.......four..pm! As in...today, four...pm...it's five o'clock now...so...that was recent. What happened?

Zach:
I was at my dealer's house

Trevor:
Uh huh...

Zach:
I was buying the PCP

Trevor:
Of course.

Zach:
And I didn't have enough money for the whole gallon

Trevor:
Ohh, it's expensive.

Zach:
But I wanted the whole gallon.

Trevor:
Of course.

Zach:
So, I had made this deal, where I would leave her as colateral

Trevor:
Uh oh...

Zach:
And I would go hit up an ATM, and come right back.

Trevor:
I see problems..

Zach:
But...while I was out I got distracted and he...cut her head off.

Trevor:
*Whoa!!* Wow...and that happened today. Just a little while ago. Are you alright? Are you doing okay?

Zach:
Yeah, I'm pretty high right now.

Trevor:
Right, because of the PCP. Oh, I ran into Bill the other day, and he is doing really good.

[cont.]

Zach:
I don't know Bill...

Trevor:
You don't? Oh, that's right, no, you wouldn't know Bill. But, uh, he's doing good.

Zach:
That's good.

Trevor:
Yeah, it's good to see. Good for Bill.

Zach:
Well, listen, it was great seing you Trevor. I gotta go, I gotta pick up my kids.

Trevor:
Oh! You have kids! ...You are on your way to pick up children...with your gallon thing...

Zach:
I wouldn't want them to lose their heads.

Trevor:
Oh!! You left them with the guy! The PCP guy!

Zach:
Nah, they're at soccer practice. If I'm late, they spaz.

Trevor:
Oh, it was a joke. I get it.

Zach:
Well take care.

Trevor:
Yeah. You too. I'll tell Bill you said hi.

Zach:
[walking away] I don't know him.

Trevor:
Oh, that's right, you don't. Well...see you later...

Policeman:
Hey kid! What are you doing?

Scotty:
Hanging out with black people.

Policeman:
Where are your parent?!

Scotty:
Dead!

Teacher:
Children, I'm so sorry, one of your mothers has just been killed in a car accident...who wants to guess whose mother it was for a sucker? Huh? Anyone? No? Alright I'll tell you what, whoever can guess who's mom it was correctly can have *anything* they want out of the goodie basket!

Timothy:
[timidly] Scott's mom?

Teacher:
No, it wasn't Scott's mom, but good guess though!

Scotty:
Phillip's mom?

Teacher:
No, Phillip doesn't have a mom anymore, remember? [mimes shooting herself in the head]

Phillip:
Timmy's mom?

Teacher:
No. Do you kids need a hint?

Scotty, Phillip, Timothy:
Yeah!

Teacher:
...she'd been drinking.

Scotty, Phillip, Timothy:
JOEY'S MOM!!

[joey starts to cry]

Kevin:
Mommy! Daddy! Look what I drew! [holds up a picture of a penis]

Stephen:
Whoa! Kevin! Buddy! What is this here?

Kevin:
I drew it myself!

Stephen:
Uhh...Debra? Do you wanna come take a look at this?

Debra:
Stephen, our guests are about to arrive! I have a cheese plate to arrange, I do not have time... [sees the picture] Kevin! Why did you draw that?

Kevin:
His name is Saggy Sammy!

Debra:
Kevin, who taught you this?

Stephen:
Has the gardener been coming inside the house again, Kevin?

Kevin:
It's an elephant!

Debra:
Oh, thank Christ!

Stephen:
Oh! I see. Ok, yeah, those are like his...that's his face...

Kevin:
His ears!

Debra:
Well, Kevin, it's very good! Can I keep this? I want to keep this upstairs in my desk, because of...how good it is...

Kevin:
Put it on the refrigerator!

Stephen:
...Oh, Kevin, I don't think that's a good idea, because...uh...what if...uh...what if it fell down?

Debra:
Or what if, at the party, it got stolen by one of the guests?

Stephen:
Or the gardener!

Kevin:
But I drew it for the party!

Stephen:
Well...he made it for the party. Um...I suppose the supportive thing would be to put it on...

Debra:
But, Stephen it does look like...so many things...

Stephen:
Tell you what, sport, why don't you go ahead and write 'Elephant' really big on the top of it, and we'll put it on the fridge.

Kevin:
Ok! I also drew a fairy castle for the door!

Debra:
Oh, a fairy castle! Ok, that sounds great!

Kevin:
Here it is! [holds up a picture of a naked woman]

Debra:
...Kevin, go to your f***ing room.

Sam:
[after being revived from death, Sam describes his experiences in hell] My dick split open and locusts flew out! A badger raped me with a thorny cock!

Trevor:
Ughh, you had anal? Gay.

Sam:
It was so gay you won't realize how gay it was!

Female Teacher:
...So you see, as soon as the Mayflower arrived the Indians immediately attacked the boats saying, "you gotta fight us, or we'll go back to Europe, and rape all your babies"...

Fairy of Womanhood:
Hello Margaret

Margaret:
Who are you?

Fairy of Womanhood:
I am the Fairy of Womanhood.

Margaret:
Oh no...

Fairy of Womanhood:
That's right. Today is your special day.

Margaret:
You mean?

Fairy of Womanhood:
Yes, today is the day I turn on your womb.

Margaret:
Not now, I'm in the middle of Social Studies.

Fairy of Womanhood:
Oh, Margaret. Womanhood waits for no one. Now spread those legs 'cuz here we go...

Margaret:
No! Stop! -Everyone in classroom looks at Margaret...

Female Teacher:
Margaret, do you have a problem with our forefathers' treatment of the savages?

Margaret:
Uh... no...

Female Teacher:
Alright, now these Godless a**holes had the nerve...

Fairy of Womanhood:
Alright, let's clear up those cobwebs and fire up those ovaries.

Margaret:
Listen Fairy. I don't want to become a woman here in the middle of class. Can... can we at least wait until I get home?

Fairy of Womanhood:
Oh, Margaret. There's nothing to be nervous about. The shedding of one's uterine lining is a symbolic transition from childhood to adulthood. Nothing could be more natural. Now, here I go...

Margaret:
Wait, no! -Margaret pushes the Fairy of Womanhood to the teacher and she bleeds rapidly and runs away screaming...

Fairy of Womanhood:
Margaret, that wasn't very nice. Now, spread those legs and accept your fate.

Margaret:
No, you'll never get me! Never! -Margaret dodges the Fairy of Womanhood and she hits Timmy...

Male Student:
Blllugh, ugh, uh, what's happening to me? What? Wha-oh my God! -Timmy screams and runs away and the fairy re-appears...

Fairy of Womanhood:
It's not going to be that bad! Now stop making me angry!

Margaret:
You'll never get me! Never!

Rationality:
Margaret! What's going on around here?