Ôran kôkô hosutobu

Haruhi Fujioka:
[repeated line]

Haruhi Fujioka:
Rich bastards...

Kazukiyo Souga:
You might also add fear of horror movies, fear of ghost storytelling, fear of suddenly getting scared from behind, and fear of TV commercials about horror movies. What is it with those, anyway? I really do not like them airing those segments without any warnings. What's become of the rights of the cowards?

Renge:
Fair thee well!

Tamaki Suou:
And? Why does a human weapon like you want to be Mori-senpai's apprentice?

Kasanoda:
No. I'm not a human weapon. I was just born with this scary-looking face.

Hitachiin Twins:
So you're aware of it, Casanova-kun.

Kasanoda:
It's Kasanoda!

Hitachiin Twins, Tamaki Suou:
Bossa-Nova?

Kasanoda:
[eyes glow red as he makes evil, scary face] I said it's KASANODA, damn it! You guys wanna die or something?

Hitachiin Twins, Tamaki Suou:
[Tamaki and the Twins cower behind sofa] That is a pretty scary face...

Tamaki Suou:
Although you and Mori-senpai have little in common, there is one definite thing you lack! And that's a 'lovely item'!

Kasanoda:
Lovely... item?

Tamaki Suou:
And this time we introduce to you... the lovely item, 'Mitsukuni-kun'! [Honey sparkles] Indeed, if you look at Mori-senpai superficially, he does look scary and may give an icy impression. However, what happens when we place Mitsunkuni-kun on his shoulders? It's like a state of 'big bear Mori being likened by a little animal'!

Tamaki Suou:
Alright! The Low Blood Pressure Evil Lord has given his approval!

Tamaki Suou:
Why are you washing your bag?

Tamaki Suou:
Just suppose... I'm not really Haruhi's father.

Tamaki Suou:
Tama-chan kick!

Haruhi Fujioka:
[after an elaborate plan to get two students to admit their love] Aren't you making things worse?

Tamaki Suou:
He went out and chased her.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[smiles] Our Ouran Host Club exists to bring fortune to girls, eh?

Tamaki Suou:
Mom! Haruhi's using foul language!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
'Mom' being?

Kyouya Ohtori:
Position-wise... probably me.

Kyouya Ohtori:
For special reasons, Haruhi has to conceal her gender.

Pop Up Box:
Special Reasons = Debt

Kyouya Ohtori:
Fuyumi-neesan. Sorry, but could you not rummage through my drawers?

Kyouya Ohtori:
[Tamaki spazzes]... Did I step on a mine or something?

Haruhi Fujioka:
[is being forced to kiss a girl] This is going too far.

Kyouya Ohtori:
I'll cut your debt by a third.

Haruhi Fujioka:
...Oh well, it's just on the cheek.

Mitsukuni "Honey" Haninozuka:
Kyou-chan, you really wake up to bad tempers, huh?

Takashi "Mori" Morinozuka:
You are not in the position to say that.

Haruhi Fujioka:
The end of the world is here, huh?

Tamaki Suou:
Hikaru! Kaoru! [Twins salute, grab Haruhi and run away] Kyouya, you call the hairdresser! Mori-senpai, get us some contacts from the nurse! [Mori sprints off]

Mitsukuni "Honey" Haninozuka:
Tama-chan, what about me?

Tamaki Suou:
Honey-senpai, you...

Mitsukuni "Honey" Haninozuka:
Yeah? Yeah?

Tamaki Suou:
...eat the cakes please.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
[referring to Tamaki] Why is he sulking?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Because Mommy was keeping a secret from Daddy. [arrows with boxes reading "Daddy" and "Mommy" pop up, pointing to Tamaki and Kyoya respectively]

Kyoya Ohtori:
Whatever. Why does everyone insist on referring to us like we're husband and wife?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Haruhi, I want some.

[bites off cookie from Haru's mouth]

Kaoru Hitachiin:
And you have some crumbs on your cheek.

[licks off crumbs]

Tamaki Suou:
You aren't reacting at all! Why aren't you reacting?

[grabs Haru's face]

Haruhi Fujioka:
You know, sempai, this could be considered sexual harrassment.

Tamaki Suou:
THIS is sexual harrassment? They licked you like dogs! If what I do is sexual harrassment, they should be arrested!

Hitachiin Twins:
The club is lucky to have to boys with homosexual tendencies. Even better if the two struggle between a friendship and a romance. And since we're brothers, the taboo is that much greater. And besides, what girl hasn't fantasized about having two loves?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Aw, I lost again!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Go easy on him boys, he's a bit of a crybaby.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Hikaru! I am not!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
You're gunna deny it huh? what about when we're playing punishment games alone? What happens then?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
That's only because to- ehn.

[drops off as Hikaru teases his chin with his finger]

Fangirls:
OMigod omigod its so hot I can't take it!

Haruhi Fujioka:
[Tamaki is sulking] Come on sempai, would you please stop growing mushrooms in other people's closets?

Yasuchika 'Chika' Haninozuka:
The Haninozukas are a noble family. We excel at martial arts. We've combined styles over the years to create our very own method of fighting. When we're away, we study karate and judo, but when we're home, we work hard to master the Haninozuka technique. So, to make sure that we always stay alert, we have been taught that WHENEVER two family members come face to face, they must engage each other in battle.

Tamaki Suou:
I may be out of line, but hiding your true self and putting on airs doesn't seem any different than running away to me.

Yasuchika 'Chika' Haninozuka:
You alien! Would you just leave me alone?

Yasuchika 'Chika' Haninozuka:
I bet he gets signals from his home planet though that weird bunny of his! Why can't you see that he's an alien?

Yasuchika 'Chika' Haninozuka:
Let me just say, there's no way I'm EVER going to recognize a dimwit like Mitsukuni as the next head of our family. There's no doubts my older brother is strong, but he lives a decadent lifestyle and has failed to show any self-restraint. He no longer has the right to be called a Haninozuka. I can't allow someone who arbitrarily quit the Karate Club only to become hooked on cake and stuffed animals to be the head of the Haninozuka family, even if he is my older brother. I've been meaning to make that clear for a while. And another thing, Mitsukuni - I've said it before and I'll say it again - stay away from me at school. Got it?

Haruhi Fujioka:
What made you decide to quit and join with the Host Club?

Tamaki Suou:
Why did you just say "the Host Club" like that? What are you getting at, huh?

Haruhi Fujioka:
Well, no matter how you cut it, the Karate Club is a much more reputable club than ours is, senpai.

Tamaki Suou:
Well aware of what others were saying about him, Honey senpai worked hard to follow his father's orders. He sealed away all of his cute possessions so as not to seem weak. Then, he decided to take on a hard and fearless disposition - that of a manly man - however, it was obvious to everyone around him that his efforts were failing.

Tamaki Suou:
Why waste your time fighting when you could use your cuteness to give solace to young girls with too much time on their hands?

Tamaki Suou:
If the world ever saw Honey senpai's true abilities, they'd suspect Japan of possessing a weapon of mass destruction.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
He's always being compared to Honey senpai, so that's why he feels such animosity towards him. His older brother is more attractive, more popular, and a better martial artist than he is, I think he's just letting his jealousy get the best of him.

Haruhi Fujioka:
So, Honey senpai's love of cake exceeds his love for his brother. Man, he's a horrible person.

Tamaki Suou:
[to the members of the Host Club regarding Haruhi's cramped apartment] Okay since it's a tight space, everyone get into your P.E. sitting position. It's a method the commoners invented to save space.

Tamaki Suou:
We were barely saved by commoner wisdom.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
That means...

Tamaki Suou:
Here, none of our common sense works at all!

Tamaki Suou:
Now listen up, men - DON'T YOU FORGET! We must be polite. This is a casual we-just-happened-to-be-in-the-neighborhood kind of visit. We're not here to judge the Fujioka family's lifestyle. The words "shabby," "cramped" and "run-down" are absolutely forbidden!

Haruhi Fujioka:
Get the hell out of here!

Tamaki Suou:
Haruhi's so mad she actually cursed at us!

Landlady:
Those young men are driving such fancy foreign cars - they're not Yakuza, are they?

[English version]

Tamaki Suou:
[to the members of the Host Club sitting in Haruhi's cramped apartment] I know it's a tight fit in here, men, but just pull your knees in and sit gym style. Commoners have specially developed this position to conserve space.

[English version]

Tamaki Suou:
We have been rescued by Commoner's Wisdom.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Whadda you mean, sir?

Tamaki Suou:
Nothing we know to be true in our world holds true here. We have to be careful how we react. One little off-handed remark can break Haruhi's heart. That means, in this fight, the first person to embarrass Haruhi loses.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
It's nice to meet you, Haruhi's Dad. We're good friends of your daughter's, the Hitachiin brothers.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
So, you're a transvestite, aren't you?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
You're the first REAL transvestite we've ever seen.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[to Tamaki] Ya finally put the moves on Haruhi, huh, boss?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Sorry about him. He's a ladies' man, if you know what I mean.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
He's a pheromone machine. In fact, I'll bet he's fooled around with more ladies than you can count.

Tamaki Suou:
No, I'm not a ladies' man! I'm a nice guy! I care about her!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[to themselves] Is he confessing his love?

Tamaki Suou:
I'm being completely honest here. I care about Haruhi like she's my own daughter.

[a sign appears:
"'Haruhi's father's first impression of Tamaki"]

[another sign appears:
"'He's an idiot"]

Ryoji 'Ranka' Fujioka:
I guess that president of yours is pretty much good for nothing, huh?

Ryoji 'Ranka' Fujioka:
She's always been so independent and so strong. And she has this uncanny ability to affect others without even realizing it.

Tamaki Suou:
That's true. I've seen it.

Ryoji 'Ranka' Fujioka:
I know it's going to happen eventually. One day, my precious little girl will be all grown up, and she'll want to have that special someone by her side. JUST THINKING ABOUT IT GETS MY BLOOD BOILING!

Haruhi Fujioka:
Since you guys decided to come by at lunch time, my dad said it would be rude if I didn't offer you something to eat. We've been fasting for three days to save up money to buy something suited to your taste, but it's all worth it as long as you guys like it.

[reaches into refrigerator]

Haruhi Fujioka:
Ta-da! A sushi sampler. It was marked down at the supermarket. Heh! How 'bout that? Heh-heh.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Sorry we came to visit, Haaru-chan. Don't make us eat it!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
[standing before an apartment building] So THIS is where Haruhi lives?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
It's pretty big, huh? Bigger than I thought it'd be.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Yeah! Look at all the rooms!

Kyoya Otori:
This buidling is what you might call an aggregate commoner dwelling. Haruhi's home is just one of the MANY units in this building.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[Tamaki is sulking] Come on, sempai, would you please stop growing mushrooms in other people's closets?

Kyoya Otori-Caterpillar:
You've cried quite a bit, huh?

Haruhi Fujioka:
Hm?

Kyoya Otori-Caterpillar:
You must have, to fill a pool this size. See, this water is an accumulation of all the tears you've shed in life. It's rather impressive, actually. Looks as though you've been through more than your fair share of hardships.

Haruhi Fujioka:
So I guess nose bubbles DO pop.

Tamaki Suou-Mad Hatter:
Even in dreams, commoners are still commoners.

Tamaki Suou-Mad Hatter:
What good are dreams if all you do is work? There's more to life than hitting the books, I hope you know.

Ryoji 'Ranka' Fujioka-King:
Duchess, you stand before us now, accused of coming to the royal music festival by invitation. Do you confess to your transgression?

Kotoko Fujioka-Queen:
Your crime is not a question of attendance but of abandonment. This act is unforgivable.

Haruhi Fujioka:
To pass judgement without emotion, you might as well just leave it up to a machine.

Tamaki Suou-Mad Hatter:
This girl has, what might charitably be called, a drab approach to student life.

Haruhi Fujioka:
What?

Tamaki Suou-Mad Hatter:
School work. School work! School work! She won't let the slightest bit of fun offset her routine.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I HAVE a routine, Tamaki-senpai!

Haruhi Fujioka:
You guys have way too much fun. You know that, right? I have to admit it though, around here I can hardly even tell when I'm awake.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
The two of us were always together. We were like a single entity, a unique being, and that closeness was very important to us; however, we knew we were, in fact, separate beings. The one that was not me was Hikaru, and the one that was not Hikaru was me. For us, this concept was something that was...

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Whenever something got to be boring, we'd ditch it. That's just how we did things.

Tamaki Suou:
You know me? I had no idea I was so famous! Oh, my. I guess I'm guilty. I should have known my internal and external brilliance would blind my peers, but I can't help but be radiant. Ohh. So, is this the fate of God's chosen one, his beautiful bless?d child?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
We don't hang out with anyone.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
And we certainly don't want to hang out with you.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
But if you're absolutely determined to get to know the two of us...

Hikaru Hitachiin:
...we should play...

Kaoru Hitachiin, Hikaru Hitachiin:
...the "Which One of Us is Hikaru" game. You in?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
The rules of the game are pretty easy. You just have to pick which one of us is Hikaru.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
And we'll give you one month. You can guess as many times as you want in that month, but we'll ask for your reasoning, so no random guessing.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
For the record, no one has ever been able to get it right.

Kaoru Hitachiin, Hikaru Hitachiin:
If that's all right with you, then try your best.

Tamaki Suou:
Hold on. Are you even listening to me?

Kyoya Otori:
Well, I hear you talking.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
We were always contradicting ourselves. We wanted to be told apart; we didn't want to be told apart. We wanted people to know us; we didn't want them to know. We were always looking for someone who would finally accept us, but there was no way that would ever happen, not as twisted as we were. We were so afraid of someone breaking through our barrier and hurting us, we kept a strong lock on our hearts to protect ourselves.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
That day, we were amazed. He had answered correctly. And, subconsciously, we were a little bit... just a little bit... impressed with him.

Umehito Nekozawa:
You shouldn't underestimate the dark powers of Belzineif the curse doll.

Tamaki Suou:
Twins with too much time on thier hands... are the devil.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
I want you to make up and go halfsies on this cake! 'kay? But I want to have a piece, too, so I guess we're going to have to go thirdsies. Oh, we're not going be able to split this strawberry on top, though. What should we do? Maybe I should just take it. After all, strawberries are my favorite. Oh, I forgot to ask. Uh, Hika-chan, Kao-chan, do you like strawberries?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Having a couple of good-looking guys with homosexual tendencies earns the club high points. It also helps if the two struggle between their attraction and their friendship.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
And in our case, because we're twins, our relationship is taboo and, therefore, more intriguing.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
And, besides, who HASN'T fantasized about twins? Having two loves is better than one, don't you think?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
As we were saying, in order to entertain one's self in this otherwise boring life...

Kaoru Hitachiin:
...one must find himself stimulating toys.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I am not your toy, okay?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Well, I don't see what's so funny. I'm honest, I speak my mind, and I don't hold back. It's sneaky people like Kaoru who are the troublemakers.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Don't turn this on me, Hikaru. After all, I'm the one who's always going along with all your selfish games.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
I may suggest them but you're the one who really gets into them, Kaoru. If you hate it so much, then why don't you just stop?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Because I'd hate to see you make an ass of yourself in front of everyone. It was your idea to call Haruhi our toy, but I noticed you were quick to make a pass at her. Admit it, Hikaru. You're actually in love with Haruhi, aren't you?

Tamaki Suou:
How dare you call her a raccoon-dog!

Tamaki Suou:
But, Renge, I thought you have feelings for Haruhi as well.

Renge Hoshakuji:
Oh, I do, but I have no problem with Haruhi having a homosexual relationship on the side.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Cut it out, already! You're the one who's always crawling into my bed! Talk about annoying!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
I only do that 'cause you look lonely! I wouldn't CHOOSE to sleep in your bed, you idiot!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Who are you calling an idiot? You're the one who sucks at math!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Oh, yeah? Well, you're failing your foreign language class, ya big dummy!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
The way you grind your teeth is deafening!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
At least I don't toss and turn so much that I fall out of bed!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Sex-pixie!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Sicko!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[in unison] Your mama wears too much make-up! That's it! We're over!

Kyoya Otori:
I have no idea what you're talking about, but it's evident that your fantasies are completely incoherent.

Kyoya Otori:
Looking at the numbers, if this situation isn't resolved, I'm afraid we're going to have to stop offering our brotherly love package. We're down one pair of loving brothers. Oh, Haruhi, I just want you to know there's no reason for you to feel responsible - even though it was your tactless comment that started this whole feud between the twins in the first place, right?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
I'm so sorry, Kaoru. Even though I was just following our script, I said such awful things to you. I'm not fit to be your brother.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Don't say that, Hikaru. I was so worried. I couldn't live with myself if I EVER thought I had hurt you.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Kaoru, I'll never let you go again!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Hikaru!

Haruhi Fujioka:
Just wadda you guys take me for, anyway?

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Hm! Isn't that obvious? You're our toy!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
I'll have the A lunch. No, gimme the B pasta and the D salad. No, I'll take the half capellini with the barbary duck. Hold on! Make that a foie gras in perigord sauce. GUY, STOP COPYING ME! WHY DON'T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! Rrrrrrrr!

Haruhi Fujioka:
Amazing. Perfect unison even when fighting.

Tamaki Suou:
Mizusu, please don't add any sound effects to my moment of despair.

Arai:
But, you know, I WAS always drawn to that faraway look in your eyes. And the way you would look someone in the eyes when you spoke to them. I liked that about you. I always thought you were special.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Man, how stupid can you guys get? Where's the fun sitting around talking about somebody's past? I don't see the appeal.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
You have to tell other people how you feel or they'll never know.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
It's hard for you to understand, but it would be good for Hikaru to find other people he can feel close to. The only people we've ever been able to depend on were ourselves. We didn't care what anyone else thought about us. That's probably how we ended up so self-centered.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
If you want true friends - friends who aren't only your toys - you have to learn to respect them.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
[on a date with Haruhi] I know, why don't we go to that outlet mall by the train station? They've got cheap clothes there.

Haruhi Fujioka:
That's cool, but do you need to buy some clothes?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
No. There's no way I'd but my clothes at that place.

Haruhi Fujioka:
The let's skip it.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
What a pain.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I heard this place is famous for their ice cream. Here, I'll let you have the first taste.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
If it sucks then we're playing a penalty game.

Kyoya Otori:
By the way - a question about your strategy: did you ever consider the possibility the date might go too well and those two might fall in love?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Nah, it's still too soon for that. Hikaru is kind of a dummy.

Tamaki Suou:
[calling up from below] Hey, come down here! It's time for some melon!

Kyoya Otori:
Well... then, he's lucky, because our club is full of dummies.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Hey, quit making more garbage I'll have to take out.

Tamaki Suou:
[sulking] It's not garbage. I'm making a hamster home.

Haruhi Fujioka:
But, senpai, you don't have a hamster.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
I can handle it. Please, don't take away my cake.

Takashi Morinozuka:
But if Mitsukuni needs to get false teeth, it'll be... my fault.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[breaking the fourth wall] You know, even though this whole thing may look a deal just like a happy ending, I'm not sure everyone out there would think "mo?" is the best way to wrap things up.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
A little bit isn't gonna hurt me! You're so mean! You're such a hardhead! That's it - I hate you! I hate you, Takashi!

Haruhi Fujioka:
Uhh, aren't school fairs meant to be, I don't know, more about students proudly showcasing unique things they've made by hand?

Kyoya Otori:
Perhaps for a mere average school, yes, but at Ouran the emphasis is on planning and leadership skills. Keep in mind, most of our students are being groomed into positions of leadership, so they're required to showcase a talent for upward mobility, not arts and crafts.

Tamaki Suou:
Now remember, as part of the fair, the Host Club will be opened to parents and visitors for the next two days, which means we will need to be even more charming than usual. Let's get out there and show our own guests the time of their lives!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
But, you see, our mother and father were both so busy that they had no time for the two of us.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
We played by ourselves, which is the reason we're so lonely now.

Woman:
Oh, you poor things.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[under her breath] You have GOT be kidding me.

[Haruhi doesn't see the resemblance between Tamaki and his father until... ]

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
[offering a rose] Call... me... your... Uncle. It would please me.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[in thought] Wow, I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree after all.

Yoshio Otori:
[after publicly knocking Kyoya to the ground in one slap] You are an embarrassment to the Otori name. Suou, my friend, I'm sorry you had to witness that.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
That did seem rather harsh, given how exceptional he really is. For a man with three fine young sons to carry on his legacy, your avarice would seem to run deep. I've heard about your trouble. Believe me, it's only a matter of time before the media gets wind of it. Please tell me you're not taking that out on your son.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
Life is hard. It's time for you to grow up and realize that dreaming only postpones the inevitable.

Grandma Suou:
Don't patronize me. Filthy child!

Tamaki Suou:
You know what they say: the family that plays together stays together.

Tamaki Suou:
Could that be true? Is everyone making sacrifices just to keep me happy? Haruhi could be much closer to becoming a lawyer right now if I hadn't forced her to be part of this club. She came here to study, but I've completely monopolized all of her free time.

Tamaki Suou:
My lady, I would appreciate it if you would not refer to my little girl as a shrew.

Eclair Tonnere:
Your little girl? They're not real family, Tamaki, so stop playing house.

Kyoya Otori:
Your impulsiveness overwhelms my accounting skills.

Tamaki Suou:
Father!

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
Do not refer to me as Father. The term is far too familair. You will address me properly as Chairman.

Renge Hoshakuji:
?clair Tonnerre. She's the youngest daughter of the renown French Tonnerre family. They descend from royalty.

Kyoya Otori:
Indeed. The family has quite a history. Their wealth is something of a legend among financial heavyweights. In fact, just being associated with them makes you part of a very elite group. They also own Grand Tonnerre, a firm that's been buying up a lot of businesses in Japan, lately. Of course, that doesn't explain why Lady ?clair has come here to visit Tamaki.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
See, Tamaki-senpai is illegitimate.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Twenty-some odd years ago, the Suou familly patriarch died at a young age. For political reasons, Chairman Yuzuru was rushed into a marriage at the behest of his mother to a woman of her choosing. That's how he because head of the family, but several years later, the Chairman fell passionately in love with a beautiful young woman he met in Paris.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Not long after, Tama-chan was born.

Renge Hoshakuji:
Halloween! The day that sounds the death knell of Summer and ushers in the icy breath of Winter!

Renge Hoshakuji:
Here's what we'll do: We'll ask the superintendent to give us access to the school after hours when it's dark, then we'll all dress up in our freakiest costumes and proceed to have the time of our lives scaring the absolute crap out of each other!

Nekozawa:
If it's fear they want, the Black Magic Club will be happy to oblige. After all, what's Halloween without a healthy dose of pure, unadulterated terror?

Class Rep Kazukiyo Soga:
Please, Fujioka, you have to let me be on your team. If I'm with you, then maybe your peace of mind with help me AND I CAN REMAIN MORE CAAAAAAAALM!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Wow, even YOU have a feminine side. Impressive.

Haruhi Fujioka:
And just what is THAT supposed to mean?

Class Rep Kazukiyo Soga:
Whatever happened to civil rights for the fraidy-cats out there? Cowards are people, too.

Tamaki Suou:
Do you really think I'd ever let Haruhi marry YOU guys? Daddy says NO!

Tamaki Suou:
It's truly like a holiday for handsome young soldiers.

Tamaki Suou:
Don't go embarrassing her. She can't help it she's an ignorant commoner.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Hold on. You know how to swim. Do you still need that float?

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Hm-mm. Just looks cuter this way, you know?

Tamaki Suou:
The blood of a loyal servant flows like a mighty river through Mori-senpai's veins.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
I bet you were pretty lonely without ME around, huh?

Takashi Morinozuka:
I don't know if I'd say that.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
If you get it in the face, you lose. Whadda ya say?

Renge Hoshakuji:
I'M GOING TO MARRY THE BOY IN THIS PHOTO!

Kyoya Otori:
Haruhi, you booked another appointment. It seems you've had a pretty steady flow of new customers lately. Keep up the good work. I'm not going to charge you interest on your debt like I normally would, so keep this up and you should be able to pay it off. Although the rental fee on that kimono you're wearing is nothing to sneeze at.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[receiving a gift, genuinely surprised] It's for me?

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Are you the cutest!

Tamaki Suou:
My tears are always genuine, Haruhi. Being able to cry without the use of eye-drops is the mark of a true host.

Renge Hoshakuji:
[to Tamaki] You're phony! I find it hard to believe that someone like you is the prince character of this host club! You shouldn't be spreading your love around so easily like that, you stupid! You must be a dim-witted narcissist! You're incompetent! You're a commoner! You disgust me!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
[referring to Tamaki] Why is he sulking?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Because Mommy was keeping a secret from Daddy.

[arrows with boxes reading "Daddy" and "Mommy" pop up, pointing to Tamaki and Kyoya respectively]

Kyoya Otori:
Whatever. Why does everyone insist on referring to us like we're husband and wife?

Tamaki Suou:
This is our chance to help Haruhi get in touch with her feminine side. This is an important project, men. She doesn't have any friends in class right now except for these two shady twins. That's no good for her.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[in unison] Like YOU have room to talk.

Haruhi Fujioka:
If you judge people by their appearance, you're stereotyping them and you'll never see the person inside.

Renge Hoshakuji:
Oh. I don't understand what you're trying to say.

Kyoya Otori:
I'm terribly sorry, but I can not allow there to be any record of a club member engaging in violence. I think you've caused enough trouble around her, Renge. Please stop being such a pest.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
For your information, it's common for a host to use eye-drops.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
No woman alive can resist a man on the brink of tears.

Haruhi Fujioka:
That's cheating.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Oh, don't be such a party-pooper.

[English version]

[as Haruhi samples one of Renge's cookies, the twins see a chance to put their moves on her]

Hikaru Hitachiin:
[Coming up close] May I try?

[bites off the other end of the cookie hanging from Haruhi's mouth]

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Uh-oh, Haruhi, you've got crumbs on your face.

[licks crumbs from her cheek]

Tamaki Suou:
Did you see what they just did? He took a bite of the cookie while it was in her mouth, and then the other one licked her face! What're they doing? I told you those shady twins can't be trusted? They're trying to seduce her!

Kyoya Otori:
[as Tamaki rages] And suddenly the trio of classmates are closer together than they've ever been before.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[to Kaoru] You know, you could've just told me and I could have wiped it off.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[to Hikaru] And if you wanted to try one, there's plenty here.

Tamaki Suou:
[grabs Haruhi's face] That's not the way you're supposed to react, Haruhi! You have to stay strong and reject them, then casually brush them to the side! Do you understand?

Haruhi Fujioka:
This is sexual harassment, sempai.

Tamaki Suou:
SEXUAL HARASSMENT? If that counts as sexual harassment, then they're TWICE as guilty! Someone call the police!

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
So, then, is Haru-chan, like, your indentured servant?

Misuzu Sonoda:
She's a model employee, really. It's such a shame I can't pay her anything.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Senpai, whatever planet you're on, come home.

Tamaki Suou:
Come sit with me. Stay awhile.

Haruhi Fujioka:
No. I can't. I'm an employee here and you're one of our honored guests. It's not allowed.

Tamaki Suou:
But, who's to find out if it's only the two of us? Stay here with me. Silly rules will no longer matter.

Tamaki Suou:
My own words, twisted, and thrown right back in my face.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I guess you guys really are always together, huh?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Always.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
The two of us have been together since we were born, so we haven't ever needed anybody else.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
We never bothered making other friends until a few years ago. We thought the world was made up of idiots.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Oh, really?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
But, then... Hm. Well, that was before we knew YOU. We'd totally let YOU sleep with us.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Uh, thanks. I'll pass.

Tamaki Suou:
Just who in the world do you think you are, acting like members of some privileged aristocracy on holiday.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
We ARE aristocracy.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
So are you, boss.

?clair Tonnerre:
Tamaki won't be coming today. I warned him that I would be upset if he ever showed his face at the Host Club again.

Haruhi Fujioka:
While I may not be his lover, I know that I'm not nothing to him.

Yoshio Otori:
From what I understand, my medical equipment company is about to be bought out from under me by Grand Tonnerre. And, you know, it probably serves Kyoya right. The company I was considering handing over to him will forever be out of his hands, now.

Private Police Man:
I'm terribly sorry, sir, but we've been ordered not to allow any of you to leave, even if we have to stop you by force.

Kyoya Otori:
Haruhi, go get that idiot.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Takashi - DON'T GO EASY ON 'EM!

Takashi Morinozuka:
Don't worry. I won't!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Hikaru, don't you think we should slow down? Somebody could get hurt!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
We're not slowing down till we get the boss back!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
But Hikaru...!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
If it wasn't for Tamaki, then the two of us would still only be lost souls! We were able to become friends with Haruhi and the others because the Host Club brought us together! To think that all of it could end so suddenly like this - IS SOMETHING THAT I CAN'T TOLERATE!

Tamaki Suou:
Look at you. You're soaking wet.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[repeating what Tamaki said when she first knew him] A little water never hurt anyone. Besides, people are always telling me that I'm dripping with good looks.

Tamaki Suou:
As of today, Lady ?clair Tonnerre and I are officially engaged. Furthermore, the Host Club will be permanently dissolved after the Ouran Fair.

Kyoya Otori:
Thank you for all your hard work, Haruhi. After that last request from Lady ?clair, your debt has been paid. You finally repaid us for that Renaissance vase you broke, so you're free to quite the Host Club, if you want.

Yoshio Otori:
When they're young, many assume they have all the time in the world but, really, that is never the case. Don't waste your time with something that will ultimately have no value.

Haruhi Fujioka:
You don't know anything about the Host Club. Kyoya-senpai works 'round the clock to make sure that everyone here is enjoying themselves. And did you ever stop to think that entertaining others might give each of us some fulfillment? How can you possibly say that what we do here is just a waste of our time? I don't care what you say. I think Kyoya-senpai is amazing.

Grandma Suou:
Once we have an heir, the Suou family will prosper once again. After all, it's not like the boy can turn against us.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
But Tamaki has never been interested in anything involving in the family. What have you done to change his mind?

Grandma Suou:
I told him that if he asks Lady ?clair to marry him, I would allow him to see his mother.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
But you can't be serious.

Grandma Suou:
Your child is having to make amends for the indiscretions of your youth, my dear son.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I don't understand. Why am I the only person dressed as a girl?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Ah, come on. It's cosplay, so it's okay for you to dress like a girl.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I AM one, you know.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
I thought I knew how brilliant Kyoya was but it seems he's even smarter that I thought.

Yoshio Otori:
Maybe so, but I think your son is the one who's truely amazing.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
Mm?

Yoshio Otori:
I am responsible for the entirety of Kyoya's education. I always knew he would surpass his older brothers someday; however, I must say I'm shocked. While I can imagine Kyoya taking over a company, I never dreamed he'd turn around and give it right back to its original owner. As Kyoya grew up, I was constantly dangling the Otori family companies in front of his face, torturing him with something he could not have. Now, not only has he taken it out from under me by force but he's basically told me that he doesn't want it and has thrown it back in my face. Do you understand what that means? It means he's finally it. He's found something that has an even greater value to him, and that's probably thanks to Tamaki.

Yoshio Otori:
I think we can get along famously, just like our two sons do. I almost forgot. There was one thing I wanted to run by you. That honor student girl - Haruhi Fujioka, was it? - I think she would make a wonderful bride for my Kyoya in the future. I just wanted you to know my intentions.

Chairman Yuzuru Suou:
Well, unfortunately, it looks lke we're not going to get along after all. I'm sorry, but that's the one thing I could never allow, my friend.

Haruhi Fujioka:
This place has four library rooms. You'd think one of them would be quiet.

Tamaki Suou:
Only those with excellent social standing, and those from filthy rich families, are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite private school, Ouran Academy. The Ouran Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.

Tamaki Suou:
You're a hero to other poor people, Fujioka!

Haruhi Fujioka:
I'm not a hero, I'm an honors student... and who are you calling Haru-chan?

Tamaki Suou:
No, I'll keep it.

Fangirls:
[Fangirls gasp]

Tamaki Suou:
I'm going to give it a try.

Fangirls:
[Fangirls and twins gasp again]

Tamaki Suou:
I WILL DRINK THIS COFFEE!

Fangirls:
[Clapping]

Tamaki Suou:
It's not often that God creates a perfect person like moi, beautiful both inside and out.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Say what?

Tamaki Suou:
I understand how you feel, since not everyone is blessed as I am, but you must console yourself, otherwise how would you go on living?

Haruhi Fujioka:
[thinking as Tamaki rambles on] There's a word to describe people like him... what is it? Aw, man, I wish I could remember that word!

Tamaki Suou:
Here's a tip, when setting down your glass, extend your pinky finger as a cushion, and that way, when you set it down, you won't be making a lot of noise!

Haruhi Fujioka:
[as Tamaki goes on] Uhhh... Maybe... a pain in the neck? No... there's SOMETHING that fits him perfectly...

Tamaki Suou:
[continuing his talk] Above all else, Haruhi, you must remember how affective a glance to the side can be.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[saying aloud] Huh! I've got it!

Tamaki Suou:
Now, did I strike a chord...

Haruhi Fujioka:
Obnoxious!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[in unison] Here, change into this uniform.

Haruhi Fujioka:
What! But why?

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[in unison] Don't ask questions!

Haruhi Fujioka:
No way!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[in unison] Change, change, change, change, change, change...

Haruhi Fujioka:
All right, I'll change, but you two have to get out!

Tamaki Suou:
You know, that's just what I was thinking!

[sign under Tamaki:
"Bullcrap..."]

Haruhi Fujioka:
MORI-SENPAI, HELP ME!

Haruhi Fujioka:
H-hey, you don't have to do that. You'll get wet.

Tamaki Suou:
A little water never hurt anyone. Besides, people are always telling me that I'm dripping with good looks.

Tamaki Suou:
How'd your bag end up in the pond, anyway?

Haruhi Fujioka:
I guess I accidentally dropped it out the window at some point.

Tamaki Suou:
So... you're a girl?

Haruhi Fujioka:
Biologically speaking, yeah.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Listen, Senpai, I don't really care whether you guys recognize me as a boy or a girl. In my opinion it's more important for a person to be recognized for who they are rather than for what sex they are.

Tamaki Suou:
Since you have no money, you can pay with your body. That means, starting today, you're the Host Club's dog.

Tamaki Suou:
Speak of the devil... Thanks for doing the shopping, little piglet.

Tamaki Suou:
[examining a container of instant coffee] Whoa! I've heard of this before. It's commoners' coffee.

Kyoya Otori:
You can try to run away if you want to, Haruhi, but, just so you know, my family employs a private police force of one hundred officers.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Being a host and getting fussed over by a bunch of girls might not be that bad. I wonder how I can pull it off. I've got it! I'll just call everyone "dude" and "bro," now.

Tamaki Suou:
We're going to go... on a field trip. Haruhi won't be joining us today, incidentally, as her presence might harm our credibility as impartial observers.

Haruhi Fujioka:
The poor girl was just doing her job.

Kyoya Otori:
Her job is to serve us food, not irritate me with some weak sales pitch.

Kyoya Otori:
Now what?

Haruhi Fujioka:
Nothing. I just don't think I've ever actually seen you eat before.

Kyoya Otori:
There is no better motivator than self-interest.

Kyoya Otori:
I am a product of excellent breeding.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[to herself] Breeding, huh? Well, that would account for the wall of ice he's putting up between us.

Haruhi Fujioka:
So, then, when YOU help someone, how exactly do YOU benefit from it, money or reputation, or is it more abstract? Because, the way I see it, Tamaki-senpai gets something out of helping others that doesn't necessarily involve their paying him back; so, maybe when you get right down to it, the two of you aren't all that different.

Tamaki Suou:
If you really want to surpass your brothers, then you can do it, but I think you're the one who's lost hope and given up.

Haruhi Fujioka:
You go to all that trouble acting like you're such a big jerk when being a nice guy comes so naturally to you. It seems counterintuitive.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Kyou-chan, you really wake up to bad tempers, huh?

Takashi Morinozuka:
You are not in the position to say that.

[English Version]

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Kyoya-chan isn't much of a morning person, huh?

Takashi Morinozuka:
You have NO room to talk.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Hey, what does THAT mean?

Kyoya Otori:
The glue that holds the Host Club together is our mutual ego-centricity. It's the principle that drives the alliance between our families and ensures each of our futures, though... Well, let's just say there's still quite a bit you don't understand about that. Although Tamaki is a fool, and self-sacrifice does come naturally to him... So, I guess the point of this is we are very different creatures.

Haruhi Fujioka:
The day before school started, one of the kids in my neighborhood got some gum in my hair. It's a real pain to get gum outta long hair, so I decided to cut it all off. I didn't care if I looked like a dude, you know.

Tamaki Suou:
Hosts should never refer to ourself as a "dude!" MA-MA! Haruhi's using those dirty boy words again.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
I'm sorry, but who is "Mama?"

Kyoya Otori:
Based on club position, I assume it's me.

Kyoya Otori:
Do you have a problem with the way we run our club, Haruhi? Be careful what you say. You owe us 8,000,000 yen, remember?

Tamaki Suou:
Gentlemen don't bundle up in bulky clothing. It may be chilly and in spring out there in the real world, but here at the club we want to surprise our chilly little kittens with a warm tropical paradise.

Tamaki Suou:
Only those with excellent social standing and those from filthy rich families are lucky enough to spend their time here at the elite private school Ouran Academy. The Ouran Host Club is where the school's handsomest boys with too much time on their hands entertain young ladies who also have way too much time on their hands. Just think of it as Ouran Academy's elegant playground for the super rich and beautiful.

Kyoya Otori:
Showing some skin proves popular with the ladies.

Haruhi Fujioka:
So, are you the one who came up with this tropical paradise idea?

Kyoya Otori:
I have no decision-making authority. All of the club's policies have been laid out by the club's king, Tamaki, but I guess there's no harm in admitting to casually slipping a Bali photo book onto his desk.

Tamaki Suou:
Men, it is our responsibility as members of the elite Ouran Host Club to make every girl happy.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Damn these filthy rich jerks.

Tamaki Suou:
I know you're switching from host to host to get his attention. And I've noticed that you've always looked the happiest gazing into a teacup.

Tamaki Suou:
Ah! May this awkward couple be forever blessed.

Haruhi Fujioka:
There's no way I can kiss her.

Kyoya Otori:
If you do it, we'll cut your debt by one third.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Well, it IS just a peck on the cheek.

Ritsu Kasanoda:
Right back at 'cha, Haninozuka-senpai!

Tamaki Suou:
Yeah, I'm handsome, I'm wild, and I'm gonna steal your hearts, pretty ladies.

Girls:
Oh! We love it when you talk like a Samurai, Tamaki!

Renge Houshakuji:
Oh, I could eat three giant bowls of rice!

[Mori suddenly and inexplicably jumps into action as a fierce samurai warrior, frightening the other hosts]

Tamaki Suou:
Please calm down, Mori-senpai! I know you're upset that you only have one line an episode. We're three fourths into the season and you haven't had your own episode. Is that it? I'm sorry.

Takashi Morinozuka:
No. We have a trespasser.

Kyoya Otori:
Ritsu Kasanode, 1st year, Class D. Heir to the third generation head of the Kasanoda syndicate, the most powerful gang in the Kanto area. He was admitted this year into Ouran Academy's High School. He has long red hair, a mean-looking appearance, is reserved, and has few friends. It is said if your eyes meet his, you'll have bad dreams for three months. If you bump into him, you'll end up in the hospital. And talking back to him sends you to an early grave. He is so feared by his classmates that they call him the Walking Blizzard.

[sign appears:
"Those who approach him are frozen over"]

Tamaki Suou:
But why would a human weapon like yourself want to be Mori-senpai's apprentice?

Ritsu Kasanoda:
Well, because... Look, I may be tough but I'm not a human weapon. I was just born with a face that makes me look mean all the time.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Well, at least you're aware of it, Casanova.

Ritsu Kasanoda:
It's Kasanoda!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Bossa Nova?

Ritsu Kasanoda:
[eyes glow red as he makes evil, scary face] I said it was Kasanoda! Do you wanna die?

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[having jumped behind a sofa] Phew. He really IS mean-looking.

Ritsu Kasanoda:
Morinozuka-senpai, that's why I need you to show me. How do you manage to have so many friends when you're just as mean-looking as me? You're expressionless, distant, and you hardly ever talk. Plus, you've got a mug that looks like a watchdog from hell, so how come you've got so many friends? What are you doing that I'm not? Please teach me your secrets!

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Is Tama-chan telling the truth? Are you renting me?

Ritsu Kasanoda:
[thinking to himself about Haruhi] You know, this guy doesn't seem to be afraid of me at all. He's got such big dark eyes, and sparkly. He really is like a chick. Chicks are especially afraid of me. Never had a chance to talk to a girl like this before.

Ritsu Kasanoda:
[horrified by the romantic direction of his thoughts] D'yah! Holy crap! What's gotten into me? What the hell am I thinking? Haruhi is a DUDE!

Ritsu Kasanoda:
So you helped me? But how come?

Takashi Morinozuka:
We can tell who the bad guys are by looking at 'em.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I should probably go back and change clothes.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[devilishly] Want us to come help you?

Haruhi Fujioka:
[coldly] Drop dead.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
What a great story. It's so touching.

Kyoya Otori:
Don't any of you care that Kasanoda went to see Haruhi who is changing clothes?

Tamaki Suou:
There are many differences between you and our belov?d Mori-senpai, but there is also one very definite thing that you are lacking. And that is a lovely item.

Ritsu Kasanoda:
A lovely... item?

Tamaki Suou:
Bossa Nova, I would like to introduce you to... a lovely item named Mitsukuni. Sure, Mori-senpai may be kind of mean-looking, and he may seem distant when you first meet him, but what if we put Mitsukuni on his shoulders? Suddenly, it's like he's a forest Teddy Bear that all the animals adore!

Umehito Nekozawa:
[grabs flashlight from Renge] Evil beam on ME!

Kirimi Nekozawa:
It's a reverse harem! This is a reverse harem!

Haruhi Fujioka:
I know you get carried away by emotion, but don't you think it's irresponsible to make such empty promises?

Kuretake:
Master Umehito is terribly vulnerable to any kind of bright light. For that reason, if he doesn't shroud himself in black, he will fall victim to the brightness of the outside world and will undoubtedly collapse.

Kuretake:
It's a tragedy that these two siblings are such polar opposites. As a result, they have come to be known as the Nekozawa family's Romeo and Juliet.

Haruhi Fujioka:
But Romeo and Juliet weren't brother and sister. I think THEIR situation was a little different.

Kyoya Otori:
Sibling relations are a source of problems in ANY family.

Kirimi Nekozawa:
Read more, bookworm!

Haruhi Fujioka:
"I finally made all these fine men my love-slaves. Oh, my. Who shall I pick to entertain me this evening?"

[English version]

Umehito Nekozawa:
I'm a handsome, princely big brother, and I'm not afraid of this flashlight, self-evil beam!

Kirimi Nekozawa:
There's debauchery here!

[Host Club gasps]

Kirimi Nekozawa:
Yeah! There's debauchery here, isn't there?

Kirimi Nekozawa:
[pointing to each member in turn] You're the glasses character, you're the boy-Lolita and the stoic type, twincest, and the bookworm.

Renge Hoshakuji:
Um, well I... I THINK I heard of instant coffee before. Oh, that's right! Isn't that when the coffee beans have already been ground for you?

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
EHHHHHHHHH!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
That's just ground coffee. Instant is something completely different. I don't even think there are any coffee beens IN instant coffee. You just mix this powder with hot water and drink it. You don't have to brew it. It's pretty awesome.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
So, it's basically just like coffee but not as robust.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
And yet it's strangely satisfying.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Damn them. I really hate rich people.

Kozue Kitamikado:
[appraising the twins] We've been in the same class with the twins ever since middle school. They didn't used to be this cheerful and friendly. They were always quiet and withdrawn. They didn't have many friends. It's like they didn't want anyone to get too close. I don't think they liked school very much. They seemed so bored by it. I guess things started to change when the Host Club was created. Since then, they've come out of their shells, little by little.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Really?...

Kozue Kitamikado:
But they've really opened up since YOU'VE joined the Host Club. Now they talk and joke with everyone in class. That's why we wanted to make sure you knew how grateful we are to you. Because of you, the twins are having fun and enjoying each day to the fullest.

Hinako 'Hinagiku' Tsuwabuki:
Men are just lowly life-forms who don't care about anything other than perpetuating their testosterone-laden image. By protecting us, he is actually attempting to disguise the fact that he is weak and unable of even protecting himself.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Look, Haru-chan, I'm a princess now. Aren't I cute?

Tamaki Suou:
My dears, you've all lead sheltered lives at Lobelia, so you might not know that commoners are weak. They have a weakness for free things. Haruhi, you may be DISTRACTED by the Zuka Club, but choose us and you gain not only a host club full of brothers - but sisters as well.

Renge Hoshakuji:
St. Lobelia Academy - it is truly a woman's world there. The Zuka Club is a group of strong young maidens who consider women to be superior in every way. The club prides itself on its thirty-year history. It's a society of maidens, by maidens, for maidens. Zuka Club activities include maiden tea parties, the maiden debate form and, most importantly, musical revues formed by the society's top members.

Benio 'Benibara' Amakusa:
The Host Club's president may be a pretty little halfer, but he shouldn't be using his looks to create a fictitious romance. Attempting to fool the heart of a poor young maiden is DEMEANING! Your so-called club activities are nothing more than debasing, macho fantasies. I promise you, we will bring you guys down! The Ouran Host Club will be abolished!

Mitsukuni Haninozuka, Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Call me Big Sister. Come on, do it! Just say it! Big Sister! Say it, pleeeeeeeese!

Benio Amakusa:
Why, good morning, my dears. You look ravishing.

Benio Amakusa:
Oh, my dear, you and that uniform were destined for each other. It's most befitting an innocent girl like you. Yes, one still unfamiliar with young love's first tender kiss.

Ranka:
Just what exactly goes on at that Host Club of yours, Suou?

Tamaki Suou:
Why, nothing that a loving father wouldn't approve of.

Haruhi Fujioka:
The three of you have about as much subtlety as the Host Club does.

Benio Amakusa:
How dare you, maiden? We are nothing like those idiots! Oh, forgive my outburst. It's only natural for you to be upset. After all, in our haste, we whisked you away this morning in your nightshirt.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Those weren't pajamas, you know. That happens to be the way I usually dress.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[to herself] Does rudeness just come with the territory when you're rich?

Chizuru 'Suzuran' Maihara:
Benio's late mother was a distinguished graduate of Saint Lobelia Academy, prominent of the White Lily League. To this day it's said no woman looks lovelier in men's clothing.

Ranka:
The Zuka Club is ruthless. Once you've become tangled in their web of lies, you could go bankrupt trying to get yourself out again.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Is Haru-chan really going to go bankrupt? She's practically broke already!

Tamaki Suou:
Ha! Don't worry. Our girl's worth a small fortune and cute.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[her thoughts on the Lord Frederick character in the play] This guy sure does talk a lot for someone who's supposed to be dying. I wonder how long he can hold out. You'd think there'd be time to get him a doctor, or something.

Girl #2:
Whadda you like most about Lady Benibara?

Tamaki Suou:
Eh...

Ranka:
Ho-ho, only everything! The way she walks and sings, and the way she looks in coattails! Why, even the shape of her head!

[girls laugh]

Tamaki Suou, Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
He's a professional. He's got blending in with the ladies down to an art!

Benio Amakusa:
[on stage] Ah, and yet the love I bare for you, and the desire I have for revenge, are not things which can so simply be forgotten.

[at these words, Tamaki suddenly realizes Benio's plan]

Ranka:
Don't act so traumatized 'cause you see me without my make-up on. Even trannies get stubble first thing in the morning - which is more than I can say for any of YOU.

Benio Fan:
I... I took it upon myself to prepare lunch for you today, Lady Benibara. It's your favorite! Little octopus-shapred cocktail weenies!

Benio Amakusa:
Thank you. Oh, the irony.

Benio Fan:
Oh...

Benio Amakusa:
Why, my dear, you're just as red and adorable as the octopus. Could it be you wish for me to feast on YOU?

Ranka:
Men who only dress in women's clothing recreationally are an insult to us professionals.

[repeated lines]

Haruhi Fujioka:
[robotically acting a part] OH, MY LORD FREDERICK!

Benio Amakusa:
[hammily acting a part] Oh! Oh! I am slain by this fatal gunshot wound. Alas, I am to draw breath no more.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[exactly like before] MY LORD FREDERICK!

Ranka:
DON'T INTERRUPT MY FLASHBACK!

Takashi "Mori" Morinozuka:
[the club tries to find a way to motivate Haruhi into hiding her gender so she can stay a host] Ootoro.

Tamaki Suou:
[shock on everyone's face] Oh yeah! At our last dance party... you didn't get to eat any, right?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Did you know? That person there never had a taste of ootoro before?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Oh my, what a pitiful upbringing.

Mitsukuni "Honey" Haninozuka:
You'd be able to eat all kinds of delicious foods if you stay in this club.

Haruhi Fujioka:
W-what are you talking about? Just because I'm poor, and just because I'll be able to eat ootoro, aren't reasons to keep on hiding my gender. I'm not that gluttonous of a... Will I really be able to eat some?

Tamaki Suou:
Say, Mommy dear?

Kyoya Otori:
What is it now, "Daddy?"

Tamaki Suou:
[darkly] I have a new theory. I mean, it's just my hypothesis, but it seems that by being in the same class, Hikaru and Kaoru are able to spend more time with Haruhi than I get to here at the club. This gives them the chance to get close to her, and if THAT happens...

Kyoya Otori:
Tamaki, you just now realized that?

Tamaki Suou:
This anime's obviously a romantic school comedy. Haruhi and I are the main characters, so that means we are loved interests.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[standing with the other Host Club boys] Yeah, then what are we?

Tamaki Suou:
You boys... are the homosexual supporting cast.

Tamaki Suou:
Why'd we get stuck with such a difficult heroine?

[English version]

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Well, before we do anything else, we have to find a way to motivate her.

Takashi Morinozuka:
[thinking] Fancy tuna.

Tamaki Suou:
[realization on everyone's face] Oh, that's RIGHT! You didn't get the chance to eat any during last episode's party, did you ?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
[as if gossiping behind her back] Did you hear that? She's never eaten fancy tuna before. Isn't that awful?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Wow, talk about a difficult childhood.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
If only Haru-chan could stay in the Host Club, she'd have the chance to eat all kinds of yummy things whenever she wants.

Haruhi Fujioka:
W-what are you talking about? Don't be silly. Just 'cause I'm poor and I've never had it doesn't mean I'm so much of a glutton I'd go on fooling everyone about my gender just to try some fancy tuna.

[She laugh it off, then... ]

Haruhi Fujioka:
Am I really gonna get to try it?

Haruhi Fujioka:
Don't you think it's weird that these doctors are all so jovial and nice?

Kyoya Otori:
They're chosen by the school's chairman. This may be a school but it's also a business, therefore he wants to keep the students happy. After all, most of the students that attend Ouran Academy come from prominent families that have their own private doctors at home, so this... is just a formality.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[thought in her head] These damn rich people...

Kyoya Otori:
I have to get my revenge, too. I'm sorry. I just don't think I'm supporting cast - homosexual or otherwise.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
One - good looks that attract the public eye.

Kyoya Otori:
Two - more wealth than you can imagine.

Takashi Morinozuka:
Three - chivalry that will never be able to overlook...

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
...the hideous wickedness of this world.

Tamaki Suou:
[shouting] That's what makes up the Ouran Host Club!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin, Kyoya Otori, Takashi Morinozuka, Mitsukuni Haninozuka, Tamaki Suou:
We're here! Watch out!

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
RED CARD!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Looks like Tamaki-senpai...

Kaoru Hitachiin:
...is the REAL pervert.

Tamaki Suou:
The flower viewing reception is going over quite well. Hmm, but, even so, it's rather daunting to spend more time being admired than doing the admiring.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Oh, wow, Sempai. YOU'RE blooming in more ways than one.

Tamaki Suou:
You noticed! Yes, today my beauty IS quite splendorous. I'm in full bloom. I bet you'll fall for me soon.

Haruhi Fujioka:
[thinking to herself] I swear, this guy must live his life completely unaware of the hardships of this world.

Tamaki Suou:
[after finding out Shirou's real reason for wanting to learn from the hosts] You wanted me to teach you how to make girls happy? Don't make me laugh! You think we'll be able to answer you no matter how much you ask us? What you want to please isn't many unspecified girls, but just Kamishiro Hina... her and only her, right? You're the only one that can find out how to make her happy. Listen, our job as hosts is to make girls happy, but for a girl you personally love, you cannot approach her as a host. You can only approach her as a man.

Tamaki Suou:
What's wrong, little boy? Did you come to my palace in search of something?

Tamaki Suou:
Dearest, you are the mermaid who's brought light into my lonely sea, my mermaid princess.

Mermaid Princess:
I remind you of a mermaid?

Shiro Takahoji:
You look more like the carp that swim in my pond at home. I'd never give false compliments like THAT.

Mermaid Princess:
CARP?

Tamaki Suou:
Oh, don't listen to him. He's just a kid. You know how kids are? They can't help but be honest.

Mermaid Princess:
HONEST!

Tamaki Suou:
But that's just HIS opinion. I wouldn't say you look like a carp. And even if you DID look like a carp, you'd be the most beautiful carp of them all.

Shiro Takahoji:
[regarding Honey and Mori] That's not fair! A little kid like you isn't supposed to have a cool older friend like HIM!

Haruhi Fujioka:
[as Shiro stares at her, perceptively] What's wrong?

Shiro Takahoji:
Are you a cross-dresser?

Tamaki Suou, Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[gasping] Oh, no.

Tamaki Suou:
[rushing in to keep Haruhi's gender secret] Okay, that's enough. I think Shiro should take care of the tea for us, don't you?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
[joining in the rescue] Wow, Haruhi, you're looking extra manly today.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
[likewise] Now, do what the boss says and let Shiro take care of that tea set. It's part of his training. You're too macho for tea sets.

[Tamaki, Hikaru and Kaoru laugh nervously]

[sign under the boys:
"The committee to assert that Haruhi is definitely a boy"]

Shiro Takahoji:
I'm not here to carry tea sets! I'm here to learn how to make women happy!

Tamaki Suou:
You won't get anywhere with THAT attitude.

Tamaki Suou:
You know, Shiro, you and I are so much alike.

Haruhi Fujioka:
You poor kid.

Renge Hoshakuji:
I swear younger boys are good for nothing.

[English version]

Tamaki Suou:
Listen, Shiro, I know that I told you it's the job of a host to make women happy, but when you care for someone, you must find the courage to express what is in your heart. You have to tell her how you feel about her! Now, you didn't come to me looking to become a full-fledged host. You want to be a full-fledged man.

Shiro Takahoji:
[seeing Hikaru and Kaoru fawning over each other] They're homos! And they're brothers! That makes this totally insectuous!

Tamaki Suou:
I think what you meant to say was incestuous.

[repeated line]

Fuyumi Otori:
My, my, my, Kyouya-san

[English Version]

[repeated line]

Fuyumi Otori:
My, my, my, Kyoya.

Kyoya Otori:
Fuyumi, would you please stop it? I've asked you a million times to stop rummaging through my drawers like that.

Kyoya Otori:
How can I demonstrate my abilities without exceeding the limits of being the third son? I have a daunting task. I must paint the perfect picture on a canvas that has already been placed inside a magnificent frame.

Tamaki Suou:
You have the most beautiful straight hair that I've ever seen. I would assume that your heart is just as blindingly beautiful as that hair of yours.

Kyoya Otori:
What happened? Did I step on a land mine or something?

Kyoya Otori:
That bastard! He's an idiot! I knew that, but I honestly had no idea that he... that he was such a total dumb-ass!

Tamaki Suou:
Maybe I'm wrong, but I get the feeling you want more than that. I mean, when I look in your eyes, I can tell you're not happy with your situation. I'm surprised you'd give up so easily.

Kyoya Otori:
This has nothing to do with whether I'm giving up or not.

Tamaki Suou:
Hm?

Kyoya Otori:
It's just the way things are. You wouldn't understand because you'll be successor to your family's estate without even having to lift a finger.

Kyoya Otori:
[in thought] Damn it.

Tamaki Suou:
It's not certain that I'll be the Suou family successor. My grandmother doesn't like me, so if things stay the way they are now, then I'm not the heir. I'm not anything. I'm kind of on a probationary period. I can't believe I didn't tell you that.

Kyoya Otori:
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

[Pop Up Box:
"You're such an idiot! How can you see through me?"]

Tamaki Suou:
If you really want to surpass your brothers, then you can do it, but I think the one who has given up here is you, Kyoya.

Kyoya Otori:
Sleep first and THEN dream.

Kyoya Otori:
[voiceover] It seemed like the more I listened, the more ridiculous his plans became, but for some reason, I got the feeling that if I shared his world, I would experience something different than anything I'd ever experienced before.

Tamaki Suou:
How dare you two keep sexually harassing my precious daughter!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
This uniform barely hides the fact that Haruhi's as flat as a cutting board.

[sign appears under the boys:
"'Little Miss A Cup"]

Kaoru Hitachiin:
A one-piece suit like that would only upset her because it draws attention to her lacking, feminine physique.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
That's why we carefully selected this two-piece suit. See? The ruffles help hide the fact that she's so flat-chested.

[English version]

Tamaki Suou:
You punks had better quit sexually harassing my little girl!

Tamaki Suou:
My little angel shouldn't be prancing around in a swimsuit, at least not in front of two perverts like you.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
Haru-chan, wanna go hell-fish shunting?

Haruhi Fujioka:
I think you're trying to say "shellfish hunting," but this doesn't seem to be that kind of beach, Honey-sempai.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Guys, I'm really sorry.

Mitsukuni Haninozuka, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[hugging her] Aw...

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Apology accepted, you little mutt.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
[knocking] Hey, boss! Coming in!

[the Host Club boys walk in on Tamaki and Haruki sitting on the floor together in the dark, with Haruhi blindfolded]

Tamaki Suou:
[to Haruhi] With the blindfold on, you can't see anything, and then the earplugs help muffle any sound.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Wow! Yeah, you're right!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
You nasty pervert.

Tamaki Suou:
[startled] Yi...!

Kaoru Hitachiin:
What kinda foreplay is THAT?

Tamaki Suou:
[horrified] It's... not like that! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
You better watch your back, Haruhi.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
I never would've pegged the boss as an S&M pervert.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
We just thought up a new game to play that could be a lot of fun. Whadda ya say? It's called The Who Can Find Out Haruhi's Weakness Game. So, think you're up to it?

Tamaki Suou:
But that game sounds terrible.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Eh, I guess you're right. Besides, she'd only share a weakness with someone she was really close to.

Tamaki Suou:
D'yah... What're the rules?

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Now, that's more like it!

Kyoya Otori:
And because of you, I had to send each of the girls a bouquet of flowers to apologize. They've been looking forward to this trip and we don't want to disappoint them.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I'll pay you back for the flowers, sempai.

Kyoya Otori:
Each bouquet cost me 50,000. That's a grand total of 600,000 yen, Haruhi.

Haruhi Fujioka:
Uh... why'd you turn the lights off?

Kyoya Otori:
If you want to, you can pay me back with your body.

Ritsu Kasanoda:
How is it that the lovely item is the scariest person in the room?

Kyoya Otori:
Leave assault and battery to the professionals.

Kyoya Otori:
Haruhi is compelled to hide the fact that she's a girl due to certain mitigating circumstances.

[Pop Up Box:
Circumstances = debt]

Ritsu Kasanoda:
[in thought] You know, before yesterday people froze in terror if I so much as looked at them.

[Pop Up Box:
"Walking blizzard"]

Ritsu Kasanoda:
But, for some reason, today is different. However hard I glare, no one is freezing. Just the opposite. All eyes are on ME - and it burns!

[Pop Up Box:
"Never underestimate the flames of mo?!"]

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
You money-grubbing enabler!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
You can't let this happen. If she and that two-bit thug hit it off, she's going to spend her life - as a mob wife!

Tamaki Suou:
If, supposing, I'm not my Haruhi's daddy after all...

Hikaru Hitachiin:
We don't have to suppose it, boss.

Tamaki Suou:
Then how can it be that I find her so utterly adorable?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Uh, what are you talking about?

Tamaki Suou:
When she's with another man, why is it that I become so insanely jealous? I'm not her father. I have no right to be so protective. No right whatsoever.

Tamaki Suou:
Daddy's don't typically wanna marry their little girls when they're all grown up, do they?

Tamaki Suou:
[playing kick-the-can] This hiding place is only for Haruhi and me. Got it?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
What kind of rule is that?

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Yeah! And, for that matter, why do you and Haruhi always have to hide together in the first place?

Tamaki Suou:
Idiot! It is perfectly natural for a father to hide with his daughter!

Kyoya Ohtori:
Some might disagree.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
So, let's hear it.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
How much of her maidenly terra incognita did you actually see?

Ritsu Kasanoda:
Well, she was changing, so I saw her underwear.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
YOU SAW HARUHI'S UNDERWEAR?

[English version]

Tamaki Suou:
Starlight kick!

Akira Komatsuzawa:
Don't worry. It's no big deal. Could've happened to anyone, right? Just a ball flying through a window and hitting me upside the head.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
[to the Newspaper Club] We've got a reputation to uphold, and you'd just ruin it.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Besides, you guys cause a lot of trouble for other people, and who'd want to get mixed up with THAT?

Haruhi Fujioka:
[to herself, regarding the upper-class host members] It's scary how much they don't realize about themselves.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
You're way too trusting, boss. We can't just go along with everything you do forever.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Yeah, we've had enough.

Kyoya Otori:
We're leaving, too, Tamaki. We're holding an evaluation meeting, mostly about you.

Haruhi Fujioka:
I know any moment now he's gonna look over here with those puppy-dog eyes he uses when he wants something and none of us will be able to say no, and so he'll win.

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Let me guess. You're speaking from experience, aren't you?

Haruhi Fujioka:
Those are the eyes.

Tamaki Suou:
Hm...

Hikaru Hitachiin, Kaoru Hitachiin:
Puppy-dog eyes.

Akira Komatsuzawa:
They've obviously got special standing. They're not affiliated with any sports or cultural clubs. They don't even have an advisor. All they do in that club is fake romance. Those poor girls who visit them are being suckered. It must be Suou's way of flaunting his power, using his parents' authority to let he and his buddies do whatever they want with those girls. All of those Host Club members, including Kyoya Otori, were supposed to be my underlings. Tamaki Suou, he's more shrewd than you'd expect. He may seem like a friendly guy - he's got the act down - but I'm positive he's got a dark side. I'll dig until I'll find something scandalous. That'll teach him a lesson!

Akira Komatsuzawa:
I'm going to expose Tamaki for the twit he is.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
[confronting the president who has revealed vindictive plans against Tamaki] The boss is the only one who hasn't caught on yet. He can be really dense when it pertains to anything about himself.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
I should warn you, if you threaten him, there WILL be consequences.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Are you ready to have the Hitachiins and every other club member's family as your enemy?

Akira Komatsuzawa:
I knew it! You're nothing but is lackeys! Tamaki's holding his parents' power over all of you!

Mitsukuni Haninozuka:
That's not true. We don't hang out with Tama-chan because of his parents. We love him. We all like being around him, and that's why we choose to be here.

Kyoya Otori:
He may be a hopeless idiot, but, even so...

[the club members drift off, thinking of when Tamaki invited each of them to join his club]

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Aw, I lost again!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Go easy on him boys, he's a bit of a crybaby.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Hikaru! I am not!

Hikaru Hitachiin:
You're gonna deny it huh? What about when we're playing punishment games alone? What happens then?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
That's only because to... ehn...

[drops off as Hikaru teases his chin with his finger]

Fangirls:
Omigod, omigod, its so hot I can't take it!

[English Version]

Kaoru Hitachiin:
No way! I lost again?

[Fan girls giggle]

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Now, go easy on him, princesses. Kaoru is quite the crybaby.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Hikaru! That's not true. I am not a cryba...

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Oh, so you're gonna deny it, huh? What about when the two of us are alone playing punishment games? Tell us what happens then, Kaoru?

Kaoru Hitachiin:
But, that's because you...

[drops off as Hikaru teases his chin with his finger]

[Fangirls squeal in delight]

Tamaki Suou:
Hikaru! You came this close to snuffing out the light of Haruhi's life!

Haruhi Fujioka:
[to herself] So much for it being peaceful.

Hikaru Hitachiin:
Hey, it's YOUR fault for not catching the ball in the first place, boss.

Kaoru Hitachiin:
Yeah. Who knew you'd be so bad at kemari. So much for him being the Ginji of Ouran Academy.

Tamaki Suou:
WHAT!