Rick and Morty, Season 2

Ricks:
This is why you don't freeze time, you guys. It's incredibly irresponsible.

Mortys:
And you did it so we could clean the house after a party?!

Ricks:
Look, there's no time to hold me accountable, Morty. Like, literally no time. Look around. Uncertainty is inherently unsustainable. Eventually, everything either is or isn't. And we've got about four hours to be "is."

Mortys:
Or...?

Ricks:
We "isn't." All right, since this time crystal exists in both possibilities, and since it's impossible that I didn't nail this, I'm probably about to press this button in both possibilities at exactly the same time.

Morty 1/Summer 2:
How do you know that I—

Ricks:
Whatever you're asking, the answer is I'm amazing. And away we go!

[the two Ricks press their buttons; the two realities are starting to merge back together as one]

Rick:
Huh, what do ya know—it's working. [the two Mortys and Summers begin distorting each other thoroughly] Oh... shit!

[Rick reverts into two possibilities again]

Ricks:
What the hell is wrong with you two?! I-I-I-I..I mean, you four!

Mortys/Summer 2:
That hurt! That was painful!

Ricks:
Good! I'm glad that was painful! You deserve it! I saw you!! Y-You're both uhh-all over the damn place! We've been split for 20 minutes and your lives are already scattered to the quantum fucking wind?! What the hell do either of you two have to be so uncertain about?! Your brand of zit cream?! Which chair to sit in while I do everything?! Come on, spit it out!

Mortys:
Well, you don't exactly make it easy, Rick! [talk differently at the same time] You make fun all the time and that's got Summer to do! / You're always picking on me and now you got Summer to kiss your ass!

Summers:
Me?! What about you?! Could you be more excited to see me fail?! You got Grandpa all to yourself! / You're just as mean to me because you're jealous... because you want Grandpa all to yourself!

Ricks:
All right, all right, cool it! I see what's happening here. You're both young, you're both unsure about your place in the universe, and you both want to be Grandpa's favourite. I can fix this. Morty, sit here. Summer, you sit here. Now, listen—I know the two of you are very different from each other in a lot of ways, but you have to understand that as far as Grandpa's concerned, you're both pieces of shit! Yeah. I can prove it mathematically. Actually, l-l-let me grab my whiteboard. This has been a long time coming, anyways.

Ricks:
So, in conclusion, you're both equally mercurial, overly sensitive, clingy, hysterical bird-brain homunculi. And I honestly can't even tell the two of you apart half the time because I don't go by height or age, I go by amount of pain in my ass—which makes you both identical. All right, everything resolved? Everybody nice and certain about their position in my world?

Mortys/Summers:
Yes.

Ricks:
All right, perfect. Sit still, arr-arms down. I'm gonna do this again. This time, be like Grandpa.

Morty 2:
You mean drunk?

Rick 2/Rick 1:
What's that? You got something to say? / And awaaay we go!

Morty 2:
No.

Rick 2:
And awaaay we go! [presses his button but no response] Huh, that's weird.

Rick 1:
Huh, that's weird. [keeps pressing to no avail] Oh my God.

Summer 1/Rick 2:
What? / Oh my God.

Summer 2/Rick 1:
What? / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

Morty 1/Summer 1/Rick 2:
What?! / The sonofabitch is gonna kill me!

Morty 2/Summer 2:
What?! [both Ricks tinker time-device]

Rick 1:
Diabolical, unfeeling sociopath! Don't you get it?! Don't you get it?!

Rick 2:
Don't you get it?! The other Rick isn't trying to merge us anymore!

Ricks:
He thinks he can save his own skin by using the crystal to kill me! He probably figures it's ehh-easier to eliminate one of the possibilities rather than merge them! [chuckling] I have to admit, it's always in the back of my mind too. The difference is I would never do it! Until now.

Mortys:
Rick, what the hell are you doing?!

Ricks:
Saving our lives! After he takes me out, he's g-g— he's gonna be coming for you!

Summers:
Who?!

Ricks:
Me! [Rick 1 shoots first before Rick 2 does; Morty and Summer 2 scream]

Rick 2:
You see that?! Get down! [shoots upwards at Rick 1]

Rick 1:
I told you! He's a psycho!

Rick 2:
He's lost it! Th-th-th-the time fracture must've made him crazy!

Rick 1/Summer 2:
I don't know what to do! I don't know what to do! / Oh, crap!

[the two possibilities then gradually split into four; all Ricks look at their monitors with four dots]

Ricks:
Oh, God, now there's three of 'em! We're outnumbered! Get in the cupboards! [all Mortys and Summers do so] Wait, do-don't do that! They'll know! Wa-wait— Think about getting in the cupboards, but don't really! [all Ricks shoot their cupboards] URAAAHHHH!!!! IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT, YOU SICK (Bleep)?!! YOU WANT TO SEE CHILDREN DIE?!!

Rick:
Okay, wait here.

Morty:
I wanna come with!

Rick:
Don't come with. It's boring, it's... [burp] it's business stuff.

Morty:
What kind of business do you do in a garage? Y'know, this seems a little shady.

Rick:
Right, yeah, like nothing shady ever happened in a fully furnished office? You ever hear about Wall Street, Morty? Y-Y-Y'know what those guys do i-in-in their fancy boardrooms? They take their balls and they dip 'em in cocaine and wipe 'em all over each other—y'know, Grandpa goes around and he does his business in public, because Grandpa isn't shady. [someone knocks his window] Aw, crap. Hey, what's up?

Krombopulos Michael:
Hey, Rick! [laughs] Here you go, 3,000 flerbos. Do you have the weapon?

Rick:
C-Can we please? This is my grandson, Morty.

Krombopulos Michael:
Oh, hi, Morty! I'm Krombopulos Michael. I'm an assassin, I buy guns from your grandpa.

Rick:
[groans] Here, go away! [K. Michael opens case]

Krombopulos Michael:
Ooh! Yeah, this looks deadly. So, this shoots antimatter? My target can't be killed with regular matter. Nice to meet ya, Morty! Listen, if ya ever need anybody murdered, [hands Morty a card] please give me a call.

Rick:
You're g— you're giving him a card?!

Krombopulos Michael:
[cont'd] I have no code of ethics, I will kill anyone, anywhere. Children, animals, old people, doesn't matter. I just love killin'. [leaves]

Morty:
You sell weapons to killers for money?!

Rick:
Ugh... You've got what the intergalactic call a very planetary mindset, Morty. It's more complicated out here. These are flerbos. Do you understand what two humans can accomplish with 3,000 of these?

Morty:
Uh, what?

Rick:
An entire afternoon at BLIPS AND CHI-I-I-I-I-ITZ!!!!

Fart:
Thank you, Morty. You are not like other carbon-based lifeforms. You put the value of all life above your own.

Morty:
It's how things should be. It's how they could be.

Fart:
I could not agree more. [sings]

The worlds can be one together, cosmos without hatred

Stars like diamonds in your eyes

The ground can be space (space, space, space, space)

With feet marching towards a peaceful sky.

All the moonmen want things their way

But we make sure they see the sun.

Goodbye, moonmen

You say goodbye, moonmen

Goodbye—

Rick:
SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MOONMEN! This isn't a musical number! This is a fucking... operation, we gotta be cool and fucking lay low.

Rick:
"World peace achieved." Nice. Little weird to publish a paper about it for yourself, but hey. So, what's next?

Unity Newsman:
After I become a type-one civilization, this world will be invited into the Galactic Federation.

Rick:
Oh, goody.

Unity Businessman:
From there, I'll have access to countless planets and species.

Unity Woman:
One by one, I will unify them, I will become the universe, and I will be what the single-minded once called a god.

Rick:
[belches] I like that. Oh, that's pretty sexy. Hey, listen, where can we get a drink around here?

Unity Old Woman:
Recreational substances were phased out here. There's no need for escape from the self when your world is one.

Rick:
Unity, Unity, who am I talking to?! I watched you assimilate a whole police station just to get your hands on the evidence locker.

Unity Deliveryman:
Rick, when we met, I was a young hive mind with the population of a small town. People change.

Unity Hobo:
Especially when I change them. I'm sorry to disappoint you, but I've grown.

Rick:
Hey, listen, I've grown, too. I have! See, I've-I've reconnected with my family, right?

Unity Policewoman:
Hm. Why is that, I wonder?

Rick:
Maybe it's part of getting old. Maybe I just missed being with... a collective. [they both exchange kisses, upping their sexual arousal]

Unity People:
Yes, Rick, yes! Yes, yes!

Rick:
Wait, wait, stop! H-Hold it! Not like this. We need a hang glider, and a crotchless Uncle Sam costume, and I want the entire field of your largest stadium covered end to end with naked redheads, and I want the stands packed with every man that remotely resembles my father.

[Blim Blam punches a glass door and aims a device at Jerry and Beth before using it on its throat]

Blim Blam:
[speaks] Um, first of all, hello. Uh, my name is Blim Blam the Korblok. Second of all, cards on the table, I'm a murderer that eats babies, and I came to this planet to eat babies. [Jerry smirks at Beth] However, I am also carrying a highly infectious disease that I suppose you could call "space AIDS" as you put it, and Rick did chain me up so that he could attempt to cure it. [Beth serves Jerry] At the same time, Rick's motivation to cure my disease was not to save my life or anyone else's, but to patent and sell the cure for billions of Blemflarcks. [Jerry serves back] But you know the reason why I ripped my chains out of the wall? [confronts them] And do you know why I'm never coming back to this planet?! BECAUSE THE TWO OF YOU ARE THE FUCKING WORST!!! You both hate yourselves AND each other! And the idea that it has ANYTHING to do with Rick is laughable. I'd laugh, but I'm biologically incapable. That's how alien I am! And even I'm sitting here listening to the two of you and being like, "WHAT THE FUCK?!?" So! Good luck with your shitty marriage, and tell Rick I'm sorry he has to deal with EITHER of you! Blim Blam OUT! [mic-drops the device and leaves, only to come back for the device] You know what? I'm taking this.

[Rick shoots Uncle Steve in the head with his laser gun; everyone freaks out]

Morty:
What the hell, Rick?! What the hell?!

Rick:
Would everybody just relax for a second? There's no such thing as an "Uncle Steve". That is an alien parasite.

[Steve's body morphs into a horrifying-looking alien, spraying magenta enzymes out of its mouth tentacles at Jerry. Summer and Beth gasp]

Jerry:
But I've known him my whole life!

Rick:
No, you haven't, Jerry! [lifts it onto the table] These telepathic little bastards, they embed themselves in memories and th-th-they use those to multiply and spread out, take over planets. It's-it's disgusting.

Morty:
Steve wasn't real?!

Rick:
He's a real piece of shit! This is a big one. [drops it] Somebody probably tracked it in last week on the bottom of their shoe or on a piece of alien fruit.

Summer:
Someone?

Rick:
Get off the high road, Summer! We all got pinkeye because you won't stop texting on the toilet.

Morty:
But Uncle Steve taught me how to ride a bike!

Rick:
No, "Steve" put that memory in your brain so he could live in your house, eat your food and multiply. We could be infested with these things. [burps, unloads laser clip] So, we got to keep an eye out for any zany, wacky characters that pop up.

Mr. Poopybutthole:
Oooohwee! Whatever you want, Rick, we're here to help!

Rick:
Thanks, Mr. Poopybutthole. I always could count on you.

Sleepy Gary:
I think you should put down the gun and we should get you to a doctor. What do you say we take down these blast shields?

Rick:
I can't do that, Sleepy Gary. All right, everybody listen to me! I don't know if any of you guys are real, but this house has been infested with fake loved ones that spread through fake memories, and our planet will be destroyed if they get out.

Pencilvester:
[grunts] But Rick, even you have to admit you do tend to overreact to stuff.

[cutaway to living room with Frankenstein, Morty, Ghost In a Jar, Pencilvester, Beth and Sleepy Gary]

Rick:
You guys! We gotta hurry! I just got back from Walmart, they're selling Nintendo 3DS systems for 149.99 on sale, plus every time you buy one, you get a $50 gift card—brings the total price down to $110 after tax! Now listen! We can flip those sons of bitches for 230 bucks apiece easy! They're all limited-edition "Zelda" ones! Hurry! Hurry, come with me! We can be rich, and we also all get to keep one and we can play Nintendo games! [exits, comes back] Nintendo, give me free stuff.

[back to present]

Rick:
Okay, yes, I definitely remember doing that, but also, I would never do that!

Pencilvester:
Don't overreact, Rick.

Rick:
I’ve seen enough of the galaxy to know that what we’ve got here is a Cromulon from the Cygnus-5 Expanse. So you can forget about nukes, and you can forget about math. This head won’t go away until Uhh-Earth shows them it’s got... [dramatically] a hit song!

[Everyone murmurs]

Simon:
You mean like Vivaldi?

Rick:
No, Frasier - a live performance of a newly written, catchy, original song. The Cromulon feed on the talent and showmanship of less-evolved lifeforms.

President:
All right, all right, thank you, Mr. Sanchez. Change of plan, people. Get me Pharrell, Randy Newman, Billy Corgan, and The-Dream. [silence] The-Dream? He wrote “Umbrella” and “Single Ladies” - you people haven’t heard of The-Dream?

Rick:
You’re gonna wanna put them on that giant speaker system at your sonic testing facility at Area 51.

Nathan:
How do you know about that?

President:
For God’s sake, Nathan, the man turns people into snakes. He can use Google Maps!

Aide:
Sir? Pharrell, Newman, Corgan, and that Dream guy - they’re all dead.

President:
What? How is that possible? Do people just die when I name them?

Rick:
Wh-what do you think, Ice? Probably a little overdeveloped.

Ice-T:
Shit. Overdeveloped, underdeveloped, a bad song's a bag song.

Rick:
Well, do you think, maybe--? Could you give me some help with it, or--?

Ice-T:
Aw, hell no, man. You do your thing, but I can't afford to get my pride wrapped up in your shame, you know what I'm saying?

Rick:
Ice, I don't want to be a Negative Nelly or anything, but ihh-if Morty doesn't come back with my portal gun and I eat it out there, it's, uh, y'know, kind of your problem too!

Ice-T:
Pfft! I ain't worried about no Earth blowing up, man.

Rick:
What? Why not?

Ice-T:
Yo, this is why. [his body turns into a giant floating block of ice]

Rick:
What the fuck?! You can turn into ice?!

Ice-T:
My story begins at the dawn of time, in the faraway realm of Alphabetrium. There, every being is a letter of the alphabet. But I was frozen and exiled to the cosmos by my elders as punishment for not caring enough about anything. Earth is just one of my many stops on a lifelong journey with no destination. So you better believe I don't care if it blows up. Because I'll just be ice floating through space, like a comet!

Rick:
Take it from me, Ice. Youuu can't just eh-float around space not caring about stuff forever.

Ice-T:
Pssh! Man, watch me. Good luck, Rick. [blasts away through the ceiling like a rocket]

President:
[clumsily piloting a helicopter] I’m really bad at this, Morty! There are way too many buttons on this thing!

Morty:
Mr. President, if I've learned one thing today, it's that sometimes you have to not give a fuck!

Morty:
[phased into a room] Oh, man! Where are we, Rick?

Rick:
Morty, remember eight seconds ago when— [burps] when you said "Go inside what?" and I said "The battery"? And then we showed up here and I wasn't like, "Whoa, this is unexpected. This is not what I was expecting, Morty. What a perplexing mystery this is."

Morty:
All right, all right. We're inside the battery, I get it. You don't have to bust my balls.

Rick:
Huh, this isn't right. This pipe's supposed to be sending 20 terawatts of juice to the... engine, Morty. Instead, we've got... zero? Now what are these people doing?!

Morty:
W-W-W-Whoa... People?

Rick:
Ugh... It's time for some hands-on engine repair. All right, Morty, hold on to something.

Morty:
Whoa!

[the engine room hovers out of a volcano and flies into a civilized city]

Morty:
Holy crap! I thought we were inside your car battery, Rick! T-T-This is like a whole p-planet or something!

Rick:
Thanks, Morty. I'm pretty proud of this bad boy. Check it out. [shows hologram] I put a spatially tessellated void inside a modified temporal field until a planet developed intelligent life. I then introduced that life to the wonders of electricity, which they now generate on a global scale. And, you know, some of it goes to power my engine and charge my phone and stuff.

Morty:
You have a whole planet... sitting around making your power for you?! That's slavery!

Rick:
It's society! They work for each other, Morty. They pay each other, they buy houses, they get married and make children that replace them when they get too old to make power.

Morty:
That just sounds like slavery with extra steps!

Rick:
Ooh-la-la, someone's gonna get laid in college.

President Chris:
Zeep, this is Rick, the alien!

Zeep:
[pretending to think] Rick the alien... Rick the alien...

Rick:
Really? You're gonna pull that move? I guided your entire civilization! Your people have a holiday named Ricksgiving! They teach kids about me in school!

Zeep:
I dropped out of school. It's not a place for smart people.

Morty:
OOOOH, SNAP!

Zeep:
You do realize this will make the floooble crank obsolete? [Rick flexes his bones] This is wrong, Kyle. What you're doing is wrong. You're basically... [scoffs, Rick mouths his words] This is slavery. You're talking about creating a planet of slaves.

Rick:
[burps] Told you, Zeep.

Kyle:
Oh, they won't be slaves. They'll work for each other and pay each other money.

Zeep:
That just sounds like slavery with ex...tra... steps... [turns to Rick]

Rick:
What?

Zeep:
Wait a minute... [grabs him] Did you create my universe?! Is my universe a miniverse?!

Rick:
Microverse!!

Kyle:
Uh, teenyverse.

Rick:
[Zeep removes his antenna headband] Ugh! You bastard!! [removes Zeep's mask]

Zeep:
Much obliged! [pummels into Rick fighting each other]

Kyle:
What the hell is happening?

Morty:
This is healthy. Trust me.

Rick:
You're my battery, motherfucker! [punches Zeep] That's all you are! I made you!! Your microverse sucks!! And your miniverse is the size of a fucking lobster tank!! It's whack!!

Kyle:
Are they not really aliens?

Morty:
Nah, they're just a couple of... crazy, wacky scientists, y'know?

Kyle:
So he made a universe, and that guy is from that universe, and that guy made a universe... and that's the universe where I was born? Where my father died... Where I couldn't make time for his funeral because I was working on my universe.

Morty:
[laughs] Yeah! Science, huh? Ain't it a thing. Y'know, one time, Rick sh— accidentally shot his laser pistol right through my hand. Ha, y'know, I mean, like... o...old-lady science, y'know? She-she-she's... she's a real... [Kyle walks away] You gotta hang on tight, y'know? Because she... she'll, she bucks really hard. [Kyle enters engine room pod, flies it straight into a canyon] Ohh, boy, wha— Oh my God, no!!

[the pod crashes into the canyon; Morty looks down at its flaming debris in the river with Rick and Zeep looking down]

Zeep/Rick:
Teenyverse.

Zeep:
Asshole! When I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna smash it to pieces with you in it!

Rick:
Yeah, well, when I get out of this teenyverse, I'm gonna get out of the surrounding miniverse, and then the microverse around that, and guess what?!

Morty:
Don't make things worse, Rick! [to Zeep] Uh, he's not gonna destroy your universe, ya know? W-We need it to start our car--

Zeep:
[aghast] THAT'S what you use my universe for?! TO RUN YOUR CAR?!

Rick:
Yeah, but don't flatter yourself! There's always triple-A, you fucking cocksucker!

Summer:
Wait, what?! Vampires are real?!

Rick:
Yes, Summer, vampires are real. Who knew? Oh right, all humanity for hundreds of years now.

Morty:
Yeah, Summer, it's a big universe. Get used to it. R-Right, Rick?

Summer:
Well, what are we going to do?!

Rick:
We're gonna live our lives until we die. Possibly by vampire. More likely auto accident or heart disease, but possibly vampire.

[meanwhile, in Harry Herpson High School]

Summer:
Any leads on the vampire?

Morty:
No, Summer. I mean, y'know, I think it might be time that we just l-let it go.

Summer:
Oh, so now you're too cool for this just because Grandpa Rick is?

Morty:
It's not that, it's just... that the universe is a little too big to care about something so small. [closes locker next to Tiny Rick] Ahh!

Tiny Rick:
What up, my Helsings?! Who wants to hunt a vampire?! Hahaha!

Morty:
Rick?! H-How did you—

Tiny Rick:
Yeah, I got bored and then I remembered this morning how I blew Summer off and I thought, "Hey, why're you such a grumpy douche, Rick? Go to the garage, transfer your mind into a younger clone of yourself, and get embroiled on in some youthful hijinks. What's the BFD?" So here I am. I'm Tiny Rick!!

Morty:
O-o-okay...

Summer:
Well, it's good you're here, Rick.

Tiny Rick:
It'll still be fun to do this as a fuckin' team, motherfuckas! [all hands join, up high] Tiny Rick!

Summer:
Yeah! Oh my God—Toby Matthews!

Tiny Rick:
Hey, Toby. I'm Tiny Rick. [Summer hides her face] I'm new. Hey—oh, go easy on me. Haha! Just kiddin'.

Toby Matthews:
[beat] ..I like your straightforward style. And that lab coat's pretty cool. [strolls] Summer.

Summer:
..He knows my name!

Tiny Rick:
Why wouldn't he?! You're great! But listen, just be careful. We can't rule anybody out as the vampire, [nudges Summer's arm] not even the dreamboats.

Summer:
[flattered] Stop, Tiny Rick.

Tiny Rick:
HUNTIN' A VAMPIRE WITH MY GRANDKIIIDS!! FUCK!! TINY RIIICK!!!

[The monsters created from Jerry and Beth's perceptions of each other go on a murderous rampage]

Glaxo Slimslom:
What the FUCK?!

Jerry:
Yeah, I know! What kind of operation are you running?!

Glaxo Slimslom:
US?! What the hell kind of relationship do you have?!

Beth:
Oh, right, blame this on us.

Glaxo Slimslom:
Okay, uh, I can and I am! Your demonized mythologizations of each other are cooperating.

Jerry:
Isn't that good?

Glaxo Slimslom:
No! NO! It's BAD! You have the single worst marriage I've ever witnessed - it shouldn't EXIST! You should never, ever, ever have gotten together and I do not understand how, or why, you would ever stay together!

Beth:
... Well, this is just bad couples' therapy.

Jerry:
Totally.

Tiny Rick:
Hey, what's up, Summer? Ooh, nice top.

Summer:
Thanks. Tiny Rick, you think you might be getting back into your old body tonight?

Tiny Rick:
No can do. Tonight's the big dance, and Morty's bringing Jessica. He needs his tiny wingman! [high-fives Morty]

Both:
Tiny Rick! [Morty laughs]

Summer:
Okay, but if not tonight, when?

Tiny Rick:
I dunno. When I feel like it?

Morty:
Damn, girl! You need to chill out! This whole thing was your idea in the first place, and now you're tryin' to rush it along.

Tiny Rick:
Yeah, and y'know what? I like high school. I like hangin' out. I'm Tiny Rick!

Summer:
But what if the you that likes it isn't you?

Both:
[beat, laugh out loud] Oh, Summer!

Morty:
It's just Rick in a younger body! What's the-what's-what's-what's... what's the problem?

Summer:
Look at his art, Morty!

Tiny Rick:
I've got an emo streak. It's part of what makes me so rad.

Summer:
Why does it say "Help me Morty and Summer!"?!

Tiny Rick:
[crumbles, throws paper] Come on, Summer, that's just the title of the art. Why was Knight Rider called Knight Rider? The car's name was KITT. Nobody rode Michael Knight. You're overthinkin' it, Summer. I'm Tiny Rick!!

Summer:
Grandpa, I think that when you put your mind into this body's young brain, it did what young brains do—it shoved the bad thoughts into the back and put a large wall around them. But those bad thoughts are the real Rick. The fact that you're old, the fact that we're all going to die one day, the fact that the universe is so big, nothing in it matters—those facts are who you are! So you're trapped in there and you can only come out in the form of Tiny Rick's teen angst!

Tiny Rick:
Well, Summer, I hear Toby Matthews isn't into psycho chicks. Can't think of anyone that is. I'll see you motherfuckas at the dance! Tiny Rick!

Summer:
Morty, you have to help me!

Morty:
Summer, he's happy! I'm happy! I-I-Is that why you're doing this?! You don't want me and Rick to be happy?!

Summer:
No!

Morty:
Well, then get your shit together! Get it all together and put it in a backpack—all your shit, so it's together. [leaves, then comes back] And if you gotta take it somewhere, take it somewhere, you know? Take it to the shit store and sell it, o-or put it in a shit museum. I don't care what you do! You just gotta get it together! [leaves, then comes back again] Get your shit together. [leaves]

Head Vampire's Assistant:
Master?

Head Vampire:
[deep voice] Speak.

Head Vampire's Assistant:
Coach Feratu's presence was discovered by the humans. He has been destroyed.

Head Vampire:
No bother. The mortals shall soon-- [switches to a higher, more neurotic voice] I'm sorry, what'd you say his name was?

Head Vampire's Assistant:
Coach Feratu.

Head Vampire:
"Coach Feratu"? That was his real name, like his actual vampire name?

Head Vampire's Assistant:
No, no, no, his vampire name was Balik Alistane.

Head Vampire:
Why the fuck would he name himself after a famous vampire movie?! Was he doing a bit?!

Head Vampire's Assistant:
I do not know, Your Unholiness.

Head Vampire:
Jesus fucking Christ! From now on, no more of this "clever name" bullshit! When a vampire's trying to be human, they can just call themselves "Allen Jefferson" or something like that! [to hooded acolytes] It's crazy, right?! I mean, am I being an asshole? Okay, I feel like everybody in the room is looking at me like I'm the buzzkill. I'm not? [acolytes hurriedly shake their heads] Good, okay, great!

Jerry:
W...where am I?

Alien Doctor:
Relax, Mr. Smith. You're in an alien hospital. I mean, to you, it's an alien hospital. To me, you're just in a hospital. There's another matter we need to discuss with you.

Jerry:
Okay.

Ambassador:
An hour ago, Shrimply Pibbles, the galaxy's most influential civil rights leader, was brought to this hospital's emergency room where he is currently fighting for his life.

Jerry:
My God!

Ambassador:
Mr. Smith, Shrimply Pibbles' life can be saved... if we replace his heart with your human penis.

Jerry:
I see... Wait, what?! [the doctor presents an anatomical hologram to Jerry]

Alien Doctor:
It's perfect. The configuration of veins, the ratio of thickness to elasticity, the delicate asymmetry of what you call your balls—and with relatively few adjustments, your genitals can be moulded into a functioning heart for the most important man in the universe.

Jerry:
Yeah, but, I mean—

Yarp:
Oh, forget it! I told you this was a waste of time!

Ambassador:
Have respect, Yarp. The Earth man's world is tiny and undeveloped. He knows nothing of the genocides of Clorgon, or the tragic events of 65.3432.23/14.

Shrimply Pibbles:
And even if he did, he wouldn't comprehend them. I've dwelt among the humans. Their entire culture is built around their penises. It's funny to say they are small. It's funny to say they are big. I've been at parties where humans held bottles, pencils, thermoses in front of themselves and called out, "Hey, look at me. I'm Mr. So-and-So Dick. I've got such-as-such for a penis." I never saw it fail to get a laugh.

Jerry:
All right! That's enough! You guys are talking about my species! We understand genocide! We do it sometimes!

Ambassador:
Then you would give your penis so that Shrimply Pibbles might live?

Yarp:
Stop asking!

Jerry:
Yes, I will! That's right, assholes! Take my penis. Take it all!! And tell Shrimply Pibbles that when the galaxy came calling, Jerry Smith from Earth didn't flinch!

Announcer:
It's the Opposite News with Michael Thompson!

Michael Thompson:
Hey, everybody, it's me, Michael Thompson. Today the Pope didn't get killed. He's perfectly fine, and he's on vacation in Aruba. In other opposite news...

Morty:
Hey, Rick, what's the deal with this guy? W-Why is his body, like, sloping off to the right side of the screen like that?

Rick:
I don't know, Morty. Let's see what else is on, huh? [changes channel]

Pichael Thompson:
Hey, welcome to Cooking Things. I'm Pichael Thompson.

Morty:
Hey, wait a minute, Rick! This guy's body is, like, sloping down and leaning off to screen left!

Rick:
Oh my God, and his name's Pichael!

Pichael Thompson:
I'm cooking a little bit of this, I'm gonna cook a little bit of that. Oh-ho-ho, hey! [drags conjoined Michael] Stop tugging, Michael!

Morty:
Oh my God! Siamese twins! They're-they're Siamese twins!

Michael Thompson:
You quit tugging! I-I'm in the middle of my news!

Pichael Thompson:
Oh, oh, it's always about you, isn't it? Can you believe this guy, ladies and gentlemen? He's got his own news show, he's got a normal name!

Morty:
Hey, flip back to the news!

Rick:
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Pichael Thompson:
You could tell our parents started with naming with him. [the news camera backs away, showing them in Pichael's side] It's like, "Oh, Michael." I ha— They had that one planned before they even got pregnant, I bet.

Summer:
I don't wanna be that girl, but maybe there would be less conflict if they didn't shoot their shows at the same time?

Rick:
Oh, Summer, you have no idea how much money that must save production.

Pichael Thompson:
And then they found out I was attached along for the ride and they said, "Ah, shit. Well, just fuck it, call him Pichael."

Michael Thompson:
[throws papers at Pichael's face] Fuck you, Pichael! You're a fucking piece of shit!

Summer:
Does all interdimensional TV have to rely on juvenile violence?

Morty:
Well, Summer, maybe people that create things aren't concerned with your delicate sensibilities, y'know? M-Maybe the species that communicate with each other through the filter of your comfort are less evolved than the ones that just communicate! Maybe your problems are your own to deal with, and maybe the public giving a shit about your feelings is a one-way ticket to EXTINCTION!

Rick:
Geez, Morty. I take it Katherine Heffelfinger hasn't texted you back yet?

Morty:
I don't wanna talk about it!

Rick:
Hey, Muchacho, does your planet have wiper fluid yet or you gonna freak out and start worshipping us?

Villager:
The general store ought to have what you need.

Rick:
Thanks.

Villager:
Of course, you'll be wanting to be gone from here by sundown.

Rick:
Yeah, sure thing. Wait a minute, what? Why?

Villager:
Sundown is when the Festival begins.

Morty:
The Festival?

Villager:
Ooh, well, for millennia, our society has been free of crime and war, livin' in perfect peace.

Rick:
Oh! I know what this is! You've been able to sustain world peace because you have one night a year, where you all run around robbing and murdering each other without consequence!

Villager:
That's right!

Morty:
What?!

Rick:
It's like The Purge, Morty! Th-That movie, The Purge?

Villager:
Oh, have you been here before?

Rick:
No, no, but I've been to a few planets with the same gimmick. Y'know, sometimes it's called the Cleansing or the Red Time. There was this one world that called it just Murder Night. I-It's a purge planet. They're peaceful and then, y'know, they just purge.

Morty:
Th-That's horrible!

Rick:
Yeah. [beat] You wanna check it out?

Morty:
You're the worst! And this planet is the worst! How can you be into this, y'know?! People are gonna kill each other!

Rick:
So, what, y-y-you tryin' to sit here and tell me that iiif-- if there's a video online with someone getting decapitated, you don't click on it?

Morty:
No! Why... why would I do that?! You do that?!

Rick:
I don't, because it would bore me. I see shit like that for breakfast, Morty.

[Arthricia crawls out of Rick's ship before being confronted by Rick and Morty in power armor. Rick aims at her]

Arthricia:
Wait, stop! Please don't kill me! I-I never intended to harm you, I swear! I am trying to end the Festival!

Rick:
Wh-what-what do you mean?

Arthricia:
I was going to use your ship to destroy the rich assholes that run our society and save my people from the horrors of this yearly Festival!

Morty:
[still frenzied] FUCK THAT, RICK! WE GOTTA KILL HER! KILL HER! KILL HER!!

Rick:
Whoa! Geez, Morty, purge it down a little.

Morty:
"PURGE, DON'T PURGE"?! YOU'RE SENDING ME MIXED MESSAGES, RICK!

Rick:
Morty, yehh-you're acting like a ehh-freaking lunatic. Calm down.

Morty:
SCREW YOU, RICK! I'LL PURGE YOU TOO, YOU OLD... "RICKETY" PIECE OF CRAP! THIS HAS BEEN A LONG TIME COMING! I'M GONNA RIP YOUR FUCKING GUTS OUT AND SMEAR 'EM ALL OVER YOUR FACE! I AIN'T TAKING NO SH-AAAHH!! [gets zapped by Rick]

Rick:
Okay, s-sorry about that. Now, where are these rich people?

Jerry:
Uh, Rick, is there anything you'd like to tell us about your relationship with this... previously unknown galactic government?

Rick:
All the important points seem pretty clear, no? They think they control the galaxy, I disagree. Don't hate the player, hate the game, son.

Jerry:
How could you be so dishonest with this family?!

Rick:
Oh! Oh, should I have been more open and trusting and loving like, oh, I don't know—my now dead best friend?! Or your daughter, who is BFFs with an intergalactic narc?!

Summer:
Hey, Tammy was cool!

Rick:
And now we know why!

Summer:
Because of you!

Rick:
Fuck you, Summer! And fuck the government! And fuck me for letting my guard down, which I will NEVER DO AGAIN.

Morty:
Geez, Rick! You can't say f— "'F' you" to your granddaughter!

Rick:
I just did, Morty. Here's dessert: fuck you.

Beth:
Look, I think we've all had a tough wedding. Actually, the wedding was beautiful. The reception got out of hand. Anyway, I say we go home, sleep it off, and have a family meeting in the morning.

Rick:
Yeah, about going home? We can't. Ever.

Smiths:
Wait, what?! / What?!

Rick:
Oh, these guys are looking for us now. Earth will be swarming with them.

Jerry:
Us?!

Beth:
Jerry—

Jerry:
I want to go home!

Rick:
Look, anyone that wants to go back to Earth is free to go back to Earth. But here's what's gonna happen. Alien bureaucrats are gonna arrest you. They're gonna put the intergalactic equivalent of ehh-jumper cables under your nuts and/or labia, and hook 'em up to an alien car battery until you tell them where I am - which I guarantee you you're not gonna know, which I guarantee they won't believe! So who's homesick? By applause. [Summer starts crying] Ladies? Anybody?

Summer:
What are we going to do?! Where are we going to live?!

Rick:
Take it easy. This is a blessing in disguise. Fuck Earth. You realize our planet's name means "dirt", right? We'll find a new world. Computer, how many planets in the Milky Way are at least 90 percent similar to Earth?

Computer:
[calculates] "765 known planets."

Rick:
How many of those are outside federal jurisdiction?

Computer:
"Three."

Rick:
See? Our cup runneth over. Now, who wants to go shopping for a brand-new motherfuckin' world?! All right!

Jerry:
Okay, now that he's gone, can we please talk about our situation?

Morty:
Dad, you can't talk about people behind their back. Y'know, it's a small world.

Jerry:
Please, he's in the south pole! And we need to have a serious conversation!

[Rick strolls casually past a terrain of pine and palm trees before taking off his coat. He puts it on again through a rain cloud. He arrives at the south pole, plants the flag into the snow]

Rick:
South pole discovered, baby! Oohhhh!! Oh, fuck, an ice cave?! Shit! [crawls into it] Things just keep on getting better! [reaches a heated area, starts shimmying at the side] Wow, it's the planet's core.

Jerry:
[heard above] I'm just saying, we keep acting like there's only two options, [Rick climbs up and eavesdrops underneath the cabin floorboards] but there's not. So, yes, if we went back to Earth, as long as Rick was out there, they'd want to interrogate us. But, and this is purely hypothetical—what if we turned your father into the government?

Beth:
Jerry, so help me God, if you ever bring this up again, no more bacon!

Jerry:
There already is no more bacon! This world sucks! Our life sucks! Why are doing this for someone that would never do anything for anyone but himself?!

Morty:
That's not the point, Dad! We love Rick! ... F-F-For the most part.

Summer:
Yeah, you don't love people in hopes of a reward, Dad. You love them unconditionally.

Beth:
That's very good, kids. I'm proud of you.

Jerry:
Okay, so let me get this straight. For the rest of your lives, no matter how much it hurts you, no matter how much it destroys our children's futures, we're gonna do whatever Rick wants, whenever he wants?

Morty/Summer/Beth:
Yes!

Jerry:
WHY?!

Beth:
Because I don't want him to leave again, you dumb asshole!