Family Guy, Season 7

[At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]

Peter:
Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"

[cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]

Man:
You think it's easy working all day?!

Woman:
No-

Man:
You think I like it?!

Woman:
I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!

Man:
No, I- yeah, I like being away from you, 'cause I can't stand looking at you!

Woman:
You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]

Man:
Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!

Woman:
NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]

Man:
I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!

Lois:
[to himself] I'm sure there's two sides to this.

Peter:
I wouldn't forgive her so fast, Cleveland. Remember, she slept with Quagmire.

Lois:
Yeah, she really acted crazy.

Peter:
You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?

Jesus:
Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.

Peter:
Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.

[cut to said clip]

Moviefone:
Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Matlin:
The Last Mimzy.

Moviefone:
I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.

Matlin:
[impatiently] The Last Mimzy.

Moviefone:
You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.

Matlin:
No!

Moviefone:
You have confirmed 300.

[Chris goes to the fridge to get some potato chips]

Lois:
No, Chris, you’re not gonna get those potato chips until you eat your dinner. I just had worked hard to make this beef stew with mashed potatoes and you liked it when you were little.

Chris:
But I love potato chips, Mom! You always make me have to eat this disgusting stinky beef stew and bleaching mashed potatoes that are made out of a rabbit skin! So I’m going to get the potato chips now!

Lois:
Chris, how about you just take one little taste and you’ll like it?

Meg:
Dad, stop touching your food with your hands! You eat with a FORK!

Chris:
I am sick and tired of having to eat beef stew with mashed potatoes all the time! We always have those for dinner every Wednesday! Can we just have potato chips for dinner? You know I love those and you’re always trying to make me look like a baby again like how about I make you wear a diaper? Can you see that I love potato chips as much as I do?!

Peter:
Chris, get a grip of yourself - you’re waking up all the neighbors!

Chris:
No, I don’t wanna get a grip of myself! I just want to have potato chips for dinner! Potato chips, potato chips, potato chips, potato chips, potato chips, potato chips, potato chips, potato chips. potato chips, potato chips, potato- MOMMM! LET GO OF ME! AGHHHHHHHHHHH!!

[Chris’s screams are so loud that it wakes up Peter’s friends and Meg’s friends from high school. Lois grabs hold of Chris’s shirt, and drags him to his bedroom]

Lois:
That’s it, young man, we’re going to have a talk right now! I am sick and tired of your babyish screams for just some freaking bags of potato chips! Sorry, family, about this temper tantrum. Chris is going to have a time-out until we can resume eating this Thanksgiving dinner.

Meg:
No worries, Mom. I’m going to send a lifeguard to guard Chris’s room while he's having his timeout.

Peter:
Ha, ha, ha, ha! Now it’s my turn to have some of these delicious Ruffles Lays potato chips!

Mort:
I wanna get back on the motorcycle.

Brian:
[sighing] I told you it's out of gas.

Mort:
Why isn't the time machine working?!

Stewie:
I don't know, Mort.

Mort:
I hate it here! I hate this God damn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of God damn shit!

Stewie:
Okay, take it easy, man.

Mort:
[furiously] No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!

Brian:
I didn't say anything.

Stewie:
Oh, thanks Brian.

Mort:
This is a bunch of shit!

Stewie:
Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up! Alright, just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you! You know, we could just leave you here!

Mort:
Yeah, right! Just leave me here, that's great! We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish!

Stewie:
Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.

Brian:
Haha.

Mort:
Eat my ass, Brian!

Brian:
Don't you mean your assneck?

Mort:
Shut up, that's a real thing!

[Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]

Hitler:
This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...

Brian:
Unless what?

Hitler:
Unless they can sing a charming musical number.

[Stewie and Brian smile at each other as the music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]

Stewie & Brian:
Whenever-

Mort:
[stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get on the fucking time machine?!

Carl:
Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.

Chris:
Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?

Carl:
Yeah. Yeah.

Chris:
Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?

Carl:
Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.

Chris:
I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.

Carl:
Did you like the movie?

Chris:
Well, that's not the point.

Carl:
Did you like the movie?

Chris:
Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.

Carl:
So, you didn't like the eagle?

Chris:
No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.

Carl:
Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?

Chris:
No.

Carl:
Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.

[Quagmire and Cleveland are chained up in the Griffins' basement and forced to watch a 24 hour broadcast of the DirecTV help channel]

Quagmire:
This may be kinda messed up, but am I the only one getting a boner right now?

Cleveland:
Is there anything that doesn't give you a boner, Glenn?

Quagmire:
People who use the word "rubbish" when they mean "garbage."

Cleveland:
Really?

Quagmire:
Yep, not even a wiggle down there.

Stewie:
Well, Rupert, we're out of food, diapers, and just about everything else. Which means I've got to get a job. Otherwise, we'll be in worse shape than Morbidly-Obese Albert.

[cut to Morbidly-Obese Albert sitting in the back of a pickup truck next to the Cosby Kids]

Russell:
Hey, Morbidly-Obese Albert. We brought you some chocolates.

Albert:
Oh, I can't eat those chocolates, on account of my diabetes. 'Member they had to take my foot?

[The camera zooms out to reveal that he has one less foot]

Russell:
Look on the bright side. Now you'll get your shoes half price!

Albert:
Ha, ha, ha. Alright, maybe I'll have one.

[he eats almost the whole box of chocolates, leaving only a few behind]

[Cleveland and Quagmire are still chained up in the basement watching the DirecTV help channel, reciting the spiel in unison with the presenter]

Quagmire and Cleveland:
And now you're ready to enjoy the full range of exciting DirecTV programming options. And remember: For answers to any questions you may have, you can consult the onscreen help menu. Or, 24-hour online assistance is available at www.directv.com/help. So sit back and enjoy DirecTV. Thanks for joining us. [beat] Welcome to the DirecTV help channel; your destination for getting started with your new DirecTV system.

[censored version]

Cleveland:
Did I tell you I'm getting a spinoff?

[uncensored version]

Quagmire:
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK!!!

Peter:
Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!

Joe:
It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.

Peter:
I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]

Brian:
Oh, God!

Peter:
Does this get fixed with ice or heat?

Cleveland:
Ice now. Heat later.

[the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]

Stewie:
Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't pie without Cool Hwhip.

[Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]

Stewie:
Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.

[Still no reaction.]

Stewie:
Did you hear what I said?

New Brian:
Yeah, what about it?

Stewie:
It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"

New Brian:
No, why would it?

Stewie:
Cool Hwhip. I'm emphasizing the H.

New Brian:
Sounds right to me.

Stewie:
Nothing ever bothers you, does it?

New Brian:
No, not really. I like everything.

Stewie:
God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.

[the camera widens to reveal Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]

Killington:
Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

Stewie:
No...

Killington:
Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company...

[Stewie groans]

Peter:
Hey, Omar, want a hertz donut?

Omar:
Um, okay.

[POW!]

Peter:
Hurts, don't it? [laughs] Dumbass.

Black-haired Classmate:
Wow. He effectively silence Omar by hitting him in the face.

Blonde-haired Classmate:
My dad hits me, but I bet that if I hit others, the pain stops.

Black-haired Classmate:
Someday, I'll use what I've learned here on my wife.

[Near the end of the spelling bee; only Peter and Omar remain]

Tom:
We're now down to our final two competitors: Peter Griffin and Omar North-tower. Omar, you'll be going first. Your word is "coagulate".

Omar:
C-O-A-G-A...

[Buzzer sounds]

Tom:
Ooh! I'm sorry, Omar. [mutters under his breath] Bet you could spell "box cutter".

Omar:
I'm 9 years old, and I'm Indian! Ugh!

[Stewie is trying to write a song on his guitar for Susie Swanson]

Brian:
What's it called?

Stewie "Susie".

Brian:
[sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.

Stewie:
Name 20.

Brian:
"Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".

Stewie:
Name 6 more.

Brian:
"Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".

Stewie:
Name 5 more.

Brian:
"Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".

[Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]

Stewie:
Go fuck yourself.

Brian:
Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.

Stewie:
Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.

Brian:
[voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? A little four-minute movie that tells the story of a...

Stewie:
Yeah, that only works when I do it.

Lois:
Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?

Peter:
Lois, I've got something better! Do you know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?

Lois:
[gasps, touched] Oh, my God!

Peter:
That's right, I've bought a horse!

[Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]

Peter:
Okay, what's next?

Doctor:
This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't done anything funny.

[He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]

Peter:
[in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.

Doctor:
[laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!

O.J.:
Hi. Are you Peter Griffin?

Peter:
That's my name, don't put a knife in it.

West:
We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you as we did in 1993!

[cut to Homer Simpson from The Simpsons]

Homer:
D'oh!

West:
And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!

[Lois and Brian are touring the FOX News station, and Brian notices a large red button]

FOX Employee:
That one's kind of fun. It emits a sound that only Al Gore can hear. [presses the button, cut to Al Gore painting a portrait of fruit]

Al Gore:
There it is again!

Tipper Gore:
It's probably just wind, Honey.

Al Gore:
It's not the wind!

Brian:
Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!

Savage:
That's all I ever wanted people to know.

Lois:
Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.

Savage:
You've got a deal!

Stern:
[as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.

Savage:
[angrily] I don't need you anymore!

Stern:
Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.

[Stewie is at a McDonald's drive-thru with the cast of Star Trek:
The Next Generation]

Sirtis:
Stewie, I'm not much of a fast food eater.

Stewie:
Yeah? Can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinkin' "shut up and get a salad".

Spiner:
I want some McNuggets.

Stewie:
We'll get to you, Brent!

Wheaton:
I want a hamburger-- no, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog. I want a milkshake.

Stewart:
[punches Wheaton's head against the window] You'll get nothing and like it!

Stewie:
Uh, hello!

Drive-Thru Teller:
Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?

Stewie:
Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [chuckles] Uh, yeah. We're gonna get 2 McChicken Sandwiches and a Diet Coke and... What do you want, Michael?

Dorn:
A McDLT.

Stewie:
No. I already told you, they don't make those anymore.

Dorn:
You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

Stewie:
No McDonald's anywhere makes an McDLT anymore!

Frakes:
I'd love a Shamrock Shake if they got any of those.

Stewie:
It's September, Jonathan!

Burton:
[with visor on] Stewie, can I take this God damn headband off?

Stewie:
No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

Dorn:
I'm just sayin', they have all the ingredients for a McDe...

[a car behind them honks its horn]

Stewie:
Just hang on! Alright?! There are a lot of us! There's a lot - it's a big order!

Stewart:
What time do they stop serving breakfast?

Stewie:
It's 3:00!

Stewart:
Some of them serve breakfast all day.

Stewie:
NONE OF EM' SERVE BREAKFAST ALL DAY!!!

Dorn:
Do they have a beer?

Peter:
[says grace before the meal] Dear Lord, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on Bald Bull for four years. I tried left-left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And, you know, they say you're supposed to go right-B-up-dodge-left-uppercut... [laughs] Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

Tom and Diane:
(both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.

Tom:
How's the weather look, Ollie?

(cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)

Ollie:
(calmly) Not too bad.

(cut back to Tom and Diane)

Tom:
Right on.

Peter:
Hey, whatever happened to your son, Kevin?

Joe:
He died in Iraq.

Peter:
[unemotionally] Sad.

Stewie:
[Playing some Barbie dolls] "I won't let you walk out of here without that dress. " "I don't know. Will I ever wear it?" "Yes, you will. "You've got that thing for the opening of the library next week. "It's perfect for that. " "Hey, everybody. " "Oh! Look. It's black Barbie." "Why are you all alone?" "Oh, they discontinued my boyfriend." "Mom says I'm the one whose hair it's okay to cut." [Susie brags a Barbie doll and walks away] Hey! I was playing with that! Hey, come back here! Alright, you asked for it... [He walks offscreen and suddenly, Susie beats him down]

Peter:
Holy crap!

Stewie:
Alright. Let's try that one again... [Susie beats up him with a Barbie doll while he cries]

Lois:
Oh my god, Stewie! [She runs off]

[Chris and the two girls trample Connie. Peter comes over]

Peter:
Oh no! Connie's been hurt! I guess someone should lie on top of her to keep her warm.

[Peter smiles as he lies down on Connie, then he turns to the camera]

Peter:
What are you looking at? It's a cartoon!

Peter:
You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late-night monologues.

[cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]

Fallon:
I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it my style".

[laughter; cut to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson]

Ferguson:
Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purses. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.

[laughter; cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]

Leno:
Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. She gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!

[laughter]

Brian:
Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.

Chris and Meg:
Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!

Peter:
So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?

The Shawshank Redemption

[Red (Cleveland) is reading Andy's (Peter's) letter.]

Andy's voice:
Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?

[Red pauses]

Red:
FUCK!

Stand by Me

Richard Dreyfuss:
[narrating] It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang: Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason Norm from Cheers.

Norm:
Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?

Ace:
[pulls out his switchblade] Now get lost. We'll take it from here.

[As King Stewart enters the church]

Citizen 1:
[gasps] The king!

Citizen 2:
The king is here!

Female Citizen:
I didn't vote for him!

Madame Claude:
I'm gettin' somethin'. I see you in London. I think it's the 1800s. Oh my! You were Jack the Ripper!