Malcolm in the Middle, Season 2

[Reese is arguing with the driver of an ice cream truck who refuses to sell ice cream in the middle of traffic]

Reese:
This is just wrong! You can make money and please children! This is a senseless act! You are evil! Pure evil!

Ice cream truck driver:
Heh! If you kids are not willing to discuss this sensibly...

[The driver shuts himself in the truck]

Reese:
You son of a...

Malcolm:
Look, there's nothing you can do!

Reese:
Yes, there is! I can... I can...

[Screaming, Reese runs forward and head-butts the side of the truck, then staggers back in pain]

Jessica:
And the Nobel Prize goes to...

Malcolm:
Hey, you're talking about my brother! Good one.

[Francis attempts to eat 100 marshmallow "quacks"]

Cadets:
61! 62! 63!... [horrified] 62... 61... [enthusiastic] 62! 63! 64!

Malcolm:
[first line] Ok, here's the thing about my family: we don't go on a lot of outings together. But when we do, there's a little tradition that we always end up observing.

Hal:
[talking to the security guard] When you say lifetime ban, I mean who's lifetime that you're talking about.

[Lois drags Malcolm and Reese by the ear while the security guard sends Hal on his way.]

Lois:
Don't you ever ask me for anything ever again. I should've just given birth to chimps, then at least I know to expect this kind of behavior.

Malcolm:
Believe it or not, I actually envy Dewey. He got to stay home and play with the babysitter.

Dewey:
What time is it?

Lady:
It's still 4:00. You have to wait at least a minute for the time to change, dear.

Dewey:
What time is it in China?

Lady:
Well, sweetie, I think they're a good 20 hou...

Dewey:
Do you speak Chinese?

Lady:
Well, no...I bet...

Dewey:
Is Chinatown in China?

Lady:
Honey...if you want an answer to a question, you have to first wait...

Dewey:
(plays with his feet) What does this toe do?

Lady:
You know what, I think I need a pack of cigarettes...for the first time in 20 years.

Dewey [singing]:
A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lady:
Honey, it's A-B-C-D E.

Dewey:
I know. [singing again] A-B-C-D. A-B-C-D.

Lois:
Whose damn dog is this!!! I SAID, WHOSE DAMN DOG IS THIS!!! (tries to open the truck door but is locked) Trapped inside, and all the windows rolled and it's 90 DEGREES OUT HERE!!! (no one responds) Okay! Okay! It's nobody's damn dog. So, I guess nobody's gonna mind... (picks up a rock) ... if I just do this. (smashes the window and peeks in and talks to dog) Oh, don't be scared, little doggy. Oh, everything is gonna be... (dog snarls and goes after Lois; Lois' face turns to fear as she takes off)

Lois:
OK, let me get this straight -- we've been waiting all afternoon for a crane, and now, the crane is here!

Construction Worker:
That's right.

Lois:
And the man who works the crane? He's here, too!

Construction Worker:
That's right.

Lois:
THEN WHY IS NOTHING HAPPENING?!

Malcolm:
What's the point of being out here?

Reese:
So you can find stuff like this. (picks up a dirty sock) Hehe, smells like gasoline.

Hal:
Oh, flashing the brights. It's gonna be like that, huh? [Puts both feet on the brake of the van to frustrate the silver Volvo.]

Lois:
Oh good lord Hal, he could have a gun. Just pull over and let him pass.

Hal:
All right, silver Toyota, you win this round. (lets the Toyota pass him by) Haha, get there two seconds sooner!! It's just an accident waiting to happen.

(The car wrecks into a truck and everyone screams, Hal slams on his brakes)

Ice Cream Man [to Reese]:
That will teach you to mess with me. I was a surgeon in my country.

Lois:
MALCOLM!! REESE!!! MOVE!!!!!

Lois:
Dewey. Where's the baby-sitter?

Dewey:
She's ran away.

Lois:
You got rid of another baby-sitter? I can't believe you boys.

Hal:
[being administered a DUI test by a highway officer] Z. Y. X. W...

Francis:
OK let me tell you something. If I say I could eat a 100 Quacks, you could take that as a bonafide guarantee. And there's no need to resort to personal attacks, I would hate to raise the issue of you wearing BOXERS in the SHOWER!

[Malcolm and Reese take turns eating expired food from the refrigerator]

Malcolm:
When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?

Reese:
I think before Dewey.

[The carton hisses ominously as it is opened]

Malcolm:
It's all you, man.

[Reese chugs the eggnog and begins gagging loudly]

Malcolm:
[aside] This is a game that has no winners.

Reese:
WE OWN YOU ALL! No one is safe. We are the kings of this block. Did you hear me, world? Violence...just...got...a...little...more...RANDOM!

Francis:
Guys, Halloween isn't a date on the calender.

Reese:
Yeah' it is. It's the 31st.

Francis:
No. Halloween is in your hearts. Every time a little kid cries in fear, that is Halloween. Every time something repulsive ends up in a mailbox, that is Halloween. As long as you carry the spirit of destruction and vandalism in your heats, every day is Halloween!

Reese:
No, look! It is the 31st!

The Boys:
Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! Diaper! (they throw it and watch with excited faces, then they later change to a disgusted one)

Francis:
Well, let's not do any of those again.

Malcolm:
Imagine if this was to fall into the wrong hands.

Dewey:
I see an old lady!!

Malcolm:
RELOAD! RELOAD!

Reese:
We've established that, we're just going in circles here!

Reese:
This isn't fair. Mom should have never taken us to a store that sells candy. She set us up!

Boy [to Lois]:
Hey, lady, are you going to hog that cage all day?

Lois:
(inside a batting cage) I got news for you, kid. I'm a grown-up with a credit card and no curfew. I could stay here all week if I want.

Reese:
I'm lost. (Francis punches Reese) OW!

Francis:
That's how Mom feels... on the inside.

(After Francis keeps talking to another girl)

Amaani:
You're wasting your time. She doesn't speak English.

Francis:
Oh.

Amaani:
Which is just as well, because if she understood the crap you were feeding her, she'd laugh in your face.

Francis:
I have my own problems. I have to go to a kegger, party with my friends, and make out with an African goddess with this hanging over my head. Come on, Amanni.

Francis:
Hey I promised you girls! Not quality girls.

Francis:
Well gentlemen, I've had enough experience with debacles to know when to cut your losses.

Abe:
Sorry we're late, some jackass parked in the handicapped spot.

Hal (nervous and embarrassed):
Uhh... excuse me, I think I left something in the car.

Lois:
It was Kitty Kenarban, she invited a dinner.

Hal:
Good for you.

Lois:
I am talking about everyone. It will be nice to dinner out with decent people. I wonder why people never invite us to dinner

Hal:
I think I see a couple of hungry seals!

(The boys act like seals while Hal throws the spaghetti in their mouths)

Francis:
(knocking on Spangler's door) Sir?

Spangler:
Go away! I told you I did not want to be disturbed. My aunt and I are... catching up.

Francis:
I... I thought you said it was your mother, sir.

(Long pause)

Spangler:
Go away!

Hal [to Lois]:
Okay, here's the plan if we want to ditch out of this thing. At the beginning, I'll say that I think I might be coming down with something...

Lois:
Hal, I don't want to ditch out of this. I'm looking forward to it. The Kenarbans are nice people, and they want to be friends with us.

Hal:
So, you're saying I'm on my own here?

Lois [to the boys]:
Now, remember, no throwing ice, no flicking butter at the ceiling, no sticking gum under the table, and no eating gum already stuck under the table!

Spangler (referring to the damage the local girls wrought):
I'd say we got off lucky. This happened once before in '72; we had to bulldoze the Ampitheater.

Abe:
[Kitty] won't let me have butter on my bread. Butter. I haven't eaten the stuff in ten years.

Hal:
How'd this happen? I mean, we weren't always this way.

Abe:
Actually, I was. Classic story: raised by a grandmother and four spinster aunts. I used to wash their hair on Saturday nights.

Hal:
Poor bastard. You never had a chance.

Abe:
Damn it. Enough is enough! (gobbles down miniature slabs of butter and drinks a shot)

Hal:
You go, Abe!

Spangler:
Local girls?! There are local girls inside the perimeter?! Have they killed anyone?[...] Do you have any idea what you've done?! Marlin Academy cannot exist without the support, the goodwill and co-operation of the local community! The Police Chief and the Mayor both sit on our Board of Governers, the Fire Chief is a regent...and right now, their psychotic offspring are in there tearing up the floorboards! It won't be long before they're in the air ducts...!

Francis:
What are we gonna do, sir?

Spangler:
We are going to do what any self-respecting member of society does in a situation like this: we're going to keep it quiet.

Joe:
But they're destroying the school.

Spangler:
Let's hope that's all they do, cadet. I'm afraid this is like an oil fire -- we have to let it burn itself out.

Francis:
Oh, yeah, I forgot. One of them started an oil fire.

Stevie [to Reese]:
Crying on command got me a cable modem!

[After Stevie punches Reese]

Kitty:
Stevie, what the hell do you think you're doing?! You are in so much trouble! This behavior is totally unacceptable! We are at a restaurant. What is wrong with you? (Stevie is about to speak) Don't you take that tone with me! You just wait till we get home!

Reese:
He bruised the bone.

Lois:
Oh, like you didn't deserve it. (to Kitty) Good for you! I knew you had it in you.

Kitty:
Shut your trap!

Waiter:
Excuse me, don't you mind please keeping it down?

Kitty:
Would you mind going to hell?! And I absolutely did order tea! How hard is it to remember a stupid drink order, you idiot?!

Abe [drunk]:
Kitty, there's going to be some changes...

Kitty:
(to Abe) And you, Mr. Ho Hos in his sock drawer! Who do you think you're kidding?

Lois:
Honey, you have to pace yourself.

Kitty:
(to Abe) And another thing, Don Juan. There are two people in that bed!

Malcolm:
Whoa, interesting dinner. Stevie beat the crap out of Reese, his dad got drunk, and his mom went totally psycho. Oh my god, we're contagious!

Malcolm:
What sounds more idiotic: "Let's go to the desert, kids" or "Good idea, Dad"?

Dewey:
I don't like ghosts. They eat little boys.

Reese:
You know what nobody's mentioned, is that this is supposed to be the greatest army in the world, and you couldn't even kill the three of us. I gotta tell ya, I'm not impressed.

Malcolm:
(sees some explosive devices) Okay, I just figured this out... RUN!!

Malcolm:
supt good, cougars don't just blow up!

Reese:
As near as I can figure, I did it with my mind.

Malcolm:
Reese! That's insane!

Reese:
I wouldn't talk to me like that if I were you.

Hal (to an army general):
Well, the thing is that when we saw the fence we did not know if we were going in or out, Malcolm, do you want to explain it?

Malcolm (terrified):
No, I don't.

Reese:
I'm thirsty.

Malcolm:
Yeah, well, we would have water if some idiot hadn't used to it write a S.O.S in the sand.

Reese:
Oh, I see. You people let me carry the water and all of a sudden I'm the idiot.

Hal:
Dewey, I only have one phone call, so put your mother on the phone so she can come pick us up.

(Dewey puts the phone down)

Lois:
Who was that?

Dewey:
Wrong number.

Malcolm:
[referring to Dewey] I don't believe this! Here I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted by someone who can't tie his own shoes!

[Malcolm and Reese are locked out of the house at night.]

Malcolm:
What are we going to do now?

Reese:
[falls into a cesspool via a trap they had set up earlier] AAAAAHHHH! Oh my God! What is this stuff?

Malcolm:
Well, at least the night isn't a total loss.

Malcolm:
Come on, Reese. Hurry up!

Reese:
Sorry, I had to put the "lemonade" in the fridge.

Patty:
Hungry?

Malcolm:
I don't know what I am.

Patty (to Malcolm; on the phone with Francis) Francis? Is that Francis? Tell him it's Patty Henderson from 8th grade algebra.

Malcolm (to Francis):
Patty Henderson says hi!

Francis:
Oh, my God! Patty Henderson is your babysitter?!?!

Patty:
Let me talk to him. Hi!

Francis:
Don't let her... Hi... Patty!

Reese [about Dewey]:
Hehe. He's cute! I hate him for being cute!

Malcolm [to Dewey]:
You were gonna make her a card?!

Dewey:
No.

Reese:
You like glitter, Dewey?

(next scene)

Patty (walks in):
Dewey?

(Dewey is a mess again)

Malcolm:
This is what he is. He's a walking disaster area.

Patty (using baby's voice):
Guess who needs another bath?

(Dewey smiles as Patty sends him to the bathroom)

Reese [to Dewey]:
You, sitting around with your big eyes and your dopey voice. I have to resist hugging you myself.

Patty (about Francis):
He was so nice, and so cute.

Reese:
Yeah, I'm a lot like him.

(Malcolm rolls his eyes)

Dewey:
What is that?

Malcolm:
It's the cest pool.

Dewey:
We have a pool?

Malcolm:
It's the sewage of the house.

(Barbara & Tom are watching Hal fight Jack while Lois tries to stop them)

Barbara:
Oh, for God's sake, Tom. Do something!

Tom:
I'll refill your drink.

Barbara:
Okay.

Dewey:
I can dance... wanna see?

Patty:
Okay.

Dewey (gets up and dances):
Poopy, poopy, poopy, poopy, poop-y! Poopy, poopy, poopy, poo. (repeats over and continues dancing)

Malcolm (to the camera):
This is embarrassing.

Tom [to Hal]:
Well that was still good on how you got him to scream like a girl.

Hal (embarrassed):
No, that was actually me.

(Hal and Tom are restrained by guards and both of them are sweating up a rainstorm.)

Hal:
It's too late! Something snapped! I am way past the point of no return! We're talking primal animal urges! I'm gonna let nature take its course...AND KILL HIM!

Lois [to Hal]:
In 30 seconds, I'm going to instruct these men to let you go.

Hal:
(all worked up) Thank you, Lois. Thank you.

Lois:
And then you will have a choice. You can indulge your primal urges with him, or... you can come back to the motel...and indulge your primal urges with me.

Hal:
(looks at Lois, then at Tom, then at Lois again) Don't trivialize my anger, Lois! I mean, there are some things that you just don't try to talk people out of. (calming down) I have a legitimate situation here.

Lois:
(sympathetic) I know, baby. (kisses Hal)

(Hal calms down whimpering. The guards release Hal and Tom. Hal and Lois leave, arm in arm, but as Hal passes Tom, he smacks him. Tom gets feisty, but soon realizes that Hal/Lois are leaving innocently.)

Lois:
Craig, that button's been disconnected for a year now.

Craig:
What? Why?

Lois:
Because you kept pressing the damn thing.

Craig:
In an emergency, that's what it's for.

Lois:
Oh, "emergencies" like when you saw a bee. Or when you saw that big fly that you thought was a bee. What about the time you thought you saw a ghost?

Craig:
I'm not saying that it was or wasn't, but you can't tell me that what we saw was normal.

Hal:
That's strange. Why would someone fill this thing with hundreds of hanging bowties?

Malcolm:
Those aren't bowties. Those are bats!

Reese:
Does anyone want my baked potato? It's kind of burnt.

Hal:
Reese, we didn't have any baked potatoes.

(Reese looks down and sees a bat on his plate)

Everyone (screams):
Aggggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!

Hal:
So, Dewey, how was school today?

Dewey:
Mikey Duffy pushed me down today.

Hal:
Well, did you push him back?

Dewey:
No, he's bigger than me.

Hal:
Uh-huh... Reese?

Reese:
I'm on it.

Robber (cheery):
How are you?

Craig:
Good.

Robber (smiles):
Good. (screams) NOW TELL US THE DAMN COMBINATION!

Craig:
Trust me, anything you say won't hurt me.

Robber:
Yeah, how about you give us all the money and every other cash register?

Craig:
Oh, my God, a gun!

Lois:
Craig, don't panic. We just give them the money from every cash register and they leave.

Craig:
What about the safe?

Robber:
What safe?

Craig:
-ty, safe-ty of the customers.

Lois:
Can we hurry this along?

Robber #1:
Yeah, if someone would give us the combination.

Lois:
Well, I can't, but the assistant manager can.

Robber #1:
Great, what's the combo?

Craig:
No.

Lois & Robber #1:
What?

Craig:
You can't have it.

Lois:
Craig, yes, they can.

Robber #2 (pushes Robber #1 aside):
Watch out, I'll get it. (takes gun out) WHAT'S THE COMBO?!?!?!

(Craig passes out)

Lois [to Craig]:
Do you see the big buck knife that guy has? Do you want to antagonize him? Do you really want to feel that knife cutting through your flesh... (Craig starts passing out again) Craig, stay with me here. Damn.

Hal (to Dewey):
Now, this last bat is tricky, son. You see, if he lands in our hair, he'll bite, get tangled, and keep biting. But if he lands in your hair, he'll just bite once. So, I want you to go in and lure him out. Okay?

Dewey (scared):
Okay.

(Dewey makes his way in and pokes the bat with the pole; through the bat's vision we see Dewey's mouth open up then the scream comes out, and as the bat flies towards him, Dewey runs out of the room; as it gets to the doorway lots of white lines literally fill its vision up within 2 seconds; back in the family's viewpoint we see Malcolm, Reese, and Hal emptying three FULL cans of silly string on it)

Everyone:
YEAH!! ALL RIGHT!!

Hal:
Well, I don't know about you, but I sure feel great. (The whole house is a wreck; Hal sighs) Okay, somebody go get the broom and dust pan.

Lois [to Craig]:
I am going to have to destroy what ever made you say that. But believe me, its for your own good. #1: No to anything your thinking, no to the buts, no to your what if's, no, no, NO, NO!!!! #2: (she grabs Craig's arm and twists it)

Craig (cries):
Owwwwwww.

Lois:
Remember that pain. Whenever something else creep's in your head other than the friendly hello I give you in the morning, you remember that pain.

(Lois gets up and leaves; Craig is shocked)

Robber #1 [to Craig]:
Whoa, chubbs, you got faced.

(Craig rises; Robber #1 is afraid, gets back, and goes to his partner; the two look at him)

Craig:
You want this?! You want this safe?! You want this stupid-stupid-stupid safe?! (he lifts it up; the robbers are shocked) Here's your stupid safe!!!!

(The robbers get out of the way and the safe hits the floor and breaks open)

Robber #1:
Cool.

(Robber #2 grabs the pack of money and the two take off)

Lois:
My God! Craig, are you alright?

Craig:
I felt something rip, and if it wasn't my pants, it was inside me.

Malcolm (to the camera):
Okay, so I faked it. But with the family I have, it would've been only a matter of time anyway.

Malcolm (to the camera):
I need to seem cured, but to leave the door open for a relapse when I start ballet next semester.

Malcolm:
The tricky part is I need to keep this up without being put on medication.

Lois (cleaning up):
Underpants, in a closet. Human underpants!! I must not threaten you people enough.

Reese [to Malcolm]:
You look so adorable. You know what I like about medieval week is that you can spot the Krelboynes from super far away and they jingle when you hit them.

Hal (coming out of the shower):
Reese, leave your brother alone. (to Malcolm) Although you are asking for it.

Lois [to Malcolm]:
Where's your jester costume?

Malcolm:
In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.

Lois:
Put it on. I didn't stay up all night for my health.

Malcolm:
Why don't you just put a bulls-eye on my chest and get it over with?

Lois:
Oh, you look fine. (The bells on Malcolm's costume jingle) And Reese will tell me if you take these off.

Malcolm (to the camera):
When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off. God, I wish I was there right now!

Caroline:
Oh, come on. We've studied this. There is nothing dirty about the miracle of life. And we should all be able to discuss this openly.

Dabney:
Who's the father?

Stevie:
Does he... work here?

Caroline:
All right, you know. I told you we are not playing this game again!!

Malcolm:
Dabney has three dentist appointments every week. His teeth look fine to me.

Lloyd:
He's not going to the dentist. He's going to the "dentist." It's the secret code for the school therapist.

Francis:
Look at this, ever heard of fabric softener? These sheets are like sleeping on straw.

Cadet Martin:
Hey, it was good enough for baby Jesus.

Francis:
Get out!

(Cadet Martin leaves; Francis throws away all the detergent)

Lois:
And when I do, we are all gonna clean up this disaster of a closet. It's gonna be our new family project.

Hal:
We've never finished our last family project.

Lois:
Because it's in here under two tons of crap!

Reese [to Malcolm]:
You missed a great assembly. I can't believe it. They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes. What were they thinking?

Malcolm:
Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?

Reese:
Nope. Beside, I want them to remember who's boss when they're living in their mansions with their supermodel wives. They're gonna know the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

Malcolm:
I can't do it. I'm stupid and I'm terrible. I suck at everything.... AND I'M FAT!

Malcolm (sees Reese):
What are doing here?

Reese:
I figured out your scam. As it turns out, crazy runs in the family.

Malcolm:
Reese, you don't know what your doing. You're gonna ruin everything.

Reese:
Relax. I got it covered.

Mrs. Gilbert:
I'm ready to see you now, Reese.

Reese (in a gravelly voice):
Reese, isn't here right now. This is Davey.

Malcolm [to Reese]:
What happened? Did you get caught? Where were you?

Reese:
Geez, you're always so angry. Maybe you really do need therapy.

Malcolm:
What I need is for you not to ruin everything for me. Do you know how much trouble we'd be in if we get caught. With Mom, with the school, WITH MOM!!

Reese:
Give me a little credit, psycho. I've been doing my own research. (takes rental videos out) See, I rented Silence of the Lambs, Seven, and the Nutty Professor.

Malcolm:
Oh, God! Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.

Reese:
Nope. That's confidential. Now, which do you like more? Hannibal Lector or the hockey mask.

(There's a knock on door; Lois & Mrs. Gilbert appear)

Lois:
Malcolm? Reese? What do you have to say for yourselves?

Reese:
Don't blame Reese? Blame Davey. (Lois grabs his finger and breaks it) Ow, ow, ow, ow!

Lois:
(while cleaning out the closet) Who are the Petersons? Why do we have their photo albums? Hi, Malcolm. How was school?

Malcolm:
It was normal. Yeah, I'd say normal. Very medieval. (pointing in the closet) Is that a truck tire?

Lois:
What? Oh, my... Hal!

Caroline:
Okay, your Holiness, would you start the gay... as in happy... Harvest Possession.

Dewey:
Live, live, die! (Picks up Playmobil man from table and throws it away) Live, live, live, live, die! (Picks up another man and throws it away as Hal enters)

Hal:
Hey. What happened to the Judicial system, presided over by a tribunal of wise elders?

Dewey:
I had them lined up and shot.

Hal:
You know son, maybe you've been spending too much -

Dewey:
Silence! Seize him! (Hal looks around and is startled by the Playmobil men arranged on the top of the buildings)

Hal:
All right, son. I think it's time you goose-stepped off to bed. (Picks up Dewey by his shirt and drags him off)

Dewey:
Dad, you're embarrassing me in front of my men! (Lois arrives home)

Lois:
Hal! Why is this still here! (Slips on a lose piece of Lego and screams as she falls in slow motion, knocking down the whole Lego society as she goes while Hal and Dewey watch in horror) Ow. (Reese runs in when he hears noise)

Reese:
No fair! You did it without me!

Reese:
I'm sick of being a bully. It's creepy.

Lois:
Well, that's not fair! What do they expect him to do, beat up a girl?

Reese:
I get to beat up a girl...cool!

[At Marlin Academy, Francis is on the phone while nervously watching a mob of cadets set upon another]

Eric:
Hold him down! You, shave his butt!

Francis:
Mom, I'm calling to remind you that today is the last day to buy me a plane ticket home for my...[lowers voice] birthday!

Lois:
Honey, we talked about this. We can't fly you back in the middle of the week; you'd only be here for 8 hours.

Francis:
But Mom-!

Lois:
Sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish things were different, but you were just home for Thanksgiving and that's all we can afford right now.

Francis:
Mom, you don't know what they do to people around here on their...[lowers voice] birthday! They strip you naked and they shave every hair off your body, then they throw you in the reflecting pond! Is that what you want for me?!

Lois:
I'm impressed, Francis. Your stories are getting better, at least more believable!

Francis:
What stories?!

Lois:
Oh, like when you wanted to come home for that party and you swore the Academy was being terrorised by a pack of feral dogs?!

Francis:
Which were never caught!

Malcolm:
Those guys are nuts. I'm funny!... Aren't I funny?

Lloyd:
To be honest, you can be a little caustic.

Stevie:
The word... is arrogant.

Dabney:
How about bitter, sarcastic and handsome? (Lloyd and Stevie stare at him) (points somewhere) Hey, she's cute.

Rick [to Malcolm]:
Remember me? "Moby Rick"? (sarcastically) That was so hilarious.

Malcolm:
I never called you Moby Rick. I called you Rickapotamus, although... (Rick punches him)

Malcolm:
You're talking about joining a cult, Reese!

Reese:
My name isn't Reese anymore.

Malcolm:
Then what is it?

Reese:
I don't remember, but it's not Reese!

Dewey:
Is Reese a girl now?

Malcolm:
No, Dewey, he's a lady.

Reese:
Shut up.

Malcolm:
Sorry, ma'am.

Lois [to Malcolm about Mrs. Griffin]:
You broke her arm?

Malcolm:
She had my ball.

Lois:
You broke her arm for a ball?

Malcolm:
No, I already had the ball. I just pushed her away.

Lois:
You pushed her and broke her arm for a ball?

Hal:
Was it a special ball, son?

Reese:
(Watching in amusement) It was just a flat old tennis ball. Sometimes I don't know why he does the things he does.

Lois (to Malcolm):
At least she's not suing us. You just be thankful we have absolutely nothing of value in this house.

Hal:
Count your blessings, son.

Lois [to Malcolm]:
I talked to Mrs. Griffin. This is what's gonna happen. You are going there every day to help that poor woman until her arm heals.

Malcolm:
Every day??!!

Lois:
Not one word! Every day!! End of story!

Hal:
Reese, an old woman's purse is a little boy's book bag... if he's European.

Mrs. Griffin:
(as she is driving, she feels an itch inside her cast and let's go of the steering wheel) Ooh, damn cast itches like a Greek sailor. (Malcolm tries to turn the wheel) Stop pawing at me!

Reese [about Dewey's purse]:
Dewey, you're wearing an invitation to an ass-kicking!

(As Mrs. Griffin starts complaining about other types of people)

Malcolm:
(to the camera) I can't believe how horrible she is. I'm just gonna ignore her. (turns around and keeps hearing her complain more, then sees a loose blouse hanging as he looks over and sees Mrs. Griffin's robe open; Malcolm is shocked)

Reese [while throwing rocks at Dewey]:
I'm trying to protect you!

Reese [to Dewey]:
Dewey, I don't think you understand. Boys like me, we look at things like this. We see normal boy, Normal boy, and boy with the purse. Which one do you think we are going to hit?

Dewey:
Is one of them fat?

Reese:
It doesn't matter! That boy will be fat everyday. But the boy with the purse, he might not wear it again!

Malcolm:
Hey, I think 45 minutes of rubbing out corns is worth at least an hour joyride.

(After being caught joyriding by Lois, all the Krelboynes leave except for Malcolm & Stevie)

Malcolm:
Need some help, Stevie?

Stevie:
Pop... the trunk.

Lois:
[at Mrs.Griffin's Doorstep] Malcolm get your things, we're going home. I'm so sorry for all of this.

Mrs.Griffin:
Sorry for what?

Lois:
My son stole your car and was out joyriding in it.

Mrs.Griffin:
Joyriding?! It was no joyride for me. I was passed out in the back seat.

Lois:
What?!

Mrs.Griffin:
I made a mistake with my medication and he drove me to the hospital.

(The Krelboynes are enjoying their joyride with Malcolm at the wheel. Soon the boys hide except for him.)

Malcolm:
What? What's going on?!

(in slow motion, he sees his mother in a van passing by, both are shocked)'

Bully 1:
Are you calling me a liar?

[Dewey hits the first bully with the purse. The second one is hit as well. The other two dodges it and then the four are sent running. Soon Reese is impressed when Dewey reveals the brick and tosses it on the ground.]

Reese:
Nice.

Cadets:
Sir!

Commandant Spangler:
Cadets.

Francis:
What's up, chief?

[Spangler punishes Francis by forcing him to stand outside and hold a rucksack full of rations and a sleeping bag.]

Lloyd:
Hey, check out the newbie.

Stevie:
Fresh... meat.

Dabney:
[to Malcolm] You no longer have to live in fear.

Malcolm:
What are you talking about?

Dabney:
The hazing we put you through is over.

Malcolm:
What hazing?

Lloyd:
Oh, come on! When we gave you the warped lunchtray. When we dulled the points on your pencils. When you sneezed and no one said "Bless you."

Dabney:
I still feel bad about that.

Francis [to Malcolm]:
I'm warning you, keep Mom out of your love life!

Malcolm:
Mom has nothing to do with this.

Francis:
Trust me, yes, she does - she will ruin it, I swear! Whatever Mom tells you, don't do it. And don't do the opposite, either! The way it's worked for me is... Actually, it's never worked for me.

Malcolm:
Hi, I'm Malcolm.

Cynthia:
Cynthia.

Malcolm:
So, you're new here.

Cynthia:
Yeah, my dad wanted to get away from Manhattan, but I think the real reason is that my mom's remarriage hit him pretty hard and he thinks that a new environment would help. The truth is nothing's been the same after my brother died in a boating accident.

(Malcolm is shocked, Cynthia pauses, then snorts)

Cynthia:
Ha! Just kidding.

Malcolm:
What?

Stevie (passes by them):
Get... a room.

(Cynthia laughs)

Malcolm:
Anyways, see you later, and I'm glad your brother's okay.

Cynthia:
I don't have a brother.

Lois [to Dewey]:
What are you doing?

Dewey (scrubbing):
I'm killing the germs. I hate germs. Germs are scary.

Lois:
Don't forget the germs in the oven.

Reese:
Ooh, Malcolm. Having lunch with your girlfriend?

Malcolm:
She's not my girlfriend.

Reese:
I don't know. I think I see a spark. (bops Cynthia's nose) Boop!

Cynthia:
Please don't do that.

Malcolm (to the camera):
Yeah, that'll help.

Reese:
Aw, she doesn't like to be touched. Well, maybe, I'll do this.

(Cynthia grabs Reese's arm and twists it, Reese falls on the table)

Cynthia:
Now, say your body is composed entirely of snot.

Reese (sobbing in pain):
My body is composed entirely of snot.

Cynthia (to Malcolm):
Anything you'd like to add?

Malcolm:
I'm good.

(Cynthia lets go of Reese and he walks off still in pain)

(Malcolm enters the front door panting)

Lois:
What's wrong?

Malcolm:
Some crazy new girl from school actually followed me home.

Lois:
Really? Is she cute? Is this what this whole boxers shorts thing is all about. (approaches the door and looks through the peephole)

Malcolm:
Mom, please don't.

(Lois sees Cynthia through the peephole and opens the door)

Cynthia:
Hi!

Lois [to Malcolm about Cynthia]:
You be nice to that girl. It's obvious she has no friends.

Cynthia:
Thanks for inviting me to dinner.

Lois:
Your quite welcome. I'm sure if my son wasn't a rude selfish little pig, he would have invited you himself.

(Malcolm is having lunch on a table)

Cynthia:
Hey, Malcolm.

Malcolm:
I want to sit alone. (Cynthia sits down next to him) Yeah, hi.

Cynthia:
So, I signed us up as lab partners.

Malcolm:
You know, you're always near me. Wouldn't it be okay if you branched out a little?

Cynthia:
I thought it seemed so cool that we have a thing together.

Malcolm (to the camera):
Thing?

Reese:
Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend to pass the potatoes? (Cynthia hands Reese a bowl of mashed potatoes) Malcolm, can you thank your girlfriend for me?

Reese:
Malcolm, can you ask your girlfriend if she would like some more peas?

Dewey:
We get it!

Cynthia:
Looks like Lloyd and Dabney are having a pretty intense conversation. Did you know I could read lips? (imitates Lloyd) I've noticed that 80% of my Doritos are isosceles triangles. (imitates Dabney) Wow! I'm impressed. Wanna kiss? (Malcolm and Cynthia giggle, Cynthia imitates Lloyd) I was hoping you'd ask. Lemme take a bite of my sandwich first. (Lloyd takes a bite, Cynthia imitates Dabney) Waiting such sweet agony. (Malcolm & Cynthia laugh again; Cynthia imitates Lloyd) Okay, I'm ready. (imitates Dabney) Oh, no, I'm not. I just took a bite of my sandwich. (imitates Lloyd) Oh, you're such a tease.

(Malcolm & Cynthia both laugh again and look at each other and are about to kiss, but Cynthia snorts; Malcolm gets up and leaves)

Hal (phone rings):
Hello.

Francis:
You are the best dad, ever.

Hal:
I am not. I'm a terrible dad. I never should've lied to you.

Francis:
Well, the important thing is that this is all behind us and I've learned my lesson.

Hal:
What's that?

Francis:
That you are the best dad ever.

Hal:
Francis, I don't feel much like talking right now. (hangs up while Dewey scrubs the phone)

Lloyd [to Malcolm]:
Looks like you and Cynthia have some real chemistry.

Malcolm:
Would you shut up!

Lloyd:
No, see, it's a play on words.

Malcolm:
I said shut up!

Cynthia's Dad [to Malcolm]:
Why did you throw a brick through my daughter's window at 2:00 am?

Cynthia [about Lois]:
Well, at least she didn't strip us naked and take pictures.

Malcolm (sigh):
The night is young.

Malcolm:
Reese, she's four years old. You're bigger and smarter... well, you're bigger than her.

Lois [to Hal]:
What are you looking at?

Hal:
Reese's report card, it is much better than last time.

Lois:
Really?

Hal:
Yeah, this time he used the exact same brand pen as the teacher to change his grade.

Lois:
Look at that, he gave himself a "C" in math instead of "A+".

Hal:
Yeah, it's subtle, nice attention to detail. He's really learning. Two months grounded?

Lois:
3 months, scrubbing toilets.

Reese [to Malcolm]:
Relax. Everyone will think Josh is a thief. His parents will be tied up in court, and Emily will be thrown into a foster home where she'll bite her foster parents, who will leave her at the side of the road, and she can spend the rest of her life biting hillbillies on the interstate.

Malcolm:
Yeah, and that kid, Josh, told everyone I was born with both sex organs and raised as a girl until I was five.

Dewey:
Their gnome wants to eat me. It's evil.

Lois:
They're all evil, sweetie.

Malcolm:
(to the camera) You know, why plan my future when it's just gonna be a wall of paint crashing down on me? I'm just gonna enjoy being a kid again.

Craig:
Francis, I want you to count all the malt balls. (hands Francis a clipboard and a pen as he walks off)

Francis:
Should I start with the 40 in your belly?

Craig:
I heard that... and I'm paying for those.

Lois:
Boys, I need to speak to your father alone.

Reese:
So? You have a bedroom, we're eating!

Lois [to Hal]:
You doing this because what a 7-year-old said.

Malcolm:
It was horrible. He made Dad cry.

Hal:
The boy was cruel... but fair.

Lois:
There's got to be 500 gallons of paint up there.

Hal:
There isn't... yeah, that's about right.

Hal:
This is good meat loaf. New recipe?

Lois:
Nope. Same as it's always been.

Hal:
Ah, come on.

Lois:
Oh, you know what, I ran out of tomato sauce and used ketchup instead.

Hal:
Look out! Paint-a-lanche!!

Lois [to Hal]:
You are gonna finish it!

Hal:
(filled with rage since he can't finish the painting) Fine! You want to see me finish it! I'll finish it!!! (picks up some paint and splashes it around the board) How about some here... and there... how about there??? (suddenly pauses and looks at the painting and fixes a few things and completes it)

Reese:
Awesome!

Lois:
Hal, I can't believe you did it. It's beautiful.

Hal:
(happily) I did it!

Craig:
Any questions?

Francis:
Which household product will kill me the fastest?

Craig:
We're going to start you off with the cotton balls.

Malcolm:
Mom, do you...do you like your parents?

Lois:
It doesn't matter how I feel about them. It's not like I can trade them for someone else. You can't pick your parents. You're pretty much stuck with whoever you get.

Malcolm:
I know.

Lois:
At least I can be grateful that soon they'll be gone.

Malcolm:
Back to their own home.

Lois:
Yeah...that's what I meant.

Reese:
If the future's gonna be half as bad as Grandpa and I suspect, the only survivors are gonna be mutants, coackroaches, and me. All living underwater.

Hal:
We need a fridge. We can't store the meat on the porch forever.

Malcolm:
(On the phone with Francis) Grandma and Grandpa are here.

Francis:
Oh, you're kidding! So did they knock, or did you just hear their cloven hooves clatter up the driveway?!

Ida:
(to Dewey) That's it, fatten up on pizza. Good luck running when they come with the dogs and chase you into the hills!

Ida:
What are you going to do when they come after you and throw you in the back of the truck? Are you going to read to them? Are you going to impress them with your giant know-it-all brain?

[Reese is playing around with Victor's army paraphernalia, when he pulls the safety pin off a grenade.]

Victor:
God in Heaven!

Reese:
What? What?!

Victor:
This is live grenade! Do not let go of the handle, or we both die!

Reese:
I don't want to die!

Victor:
Don't worry, all we have to do is find the pin. Find the pin, put the pin back in, and everything will be fine.

[The pin breaks; the two of them are shocked]

[Malcolm is soothing his black eye when Victor and Reese run in, still locked by the grenade.]

Victor:
(to Reese) Quit crying like baby.

Malcolm:
What's going on?

Reese:
Grandpa gave me a live grenade. It's really cool. You wanna hold it?!

Victor:
No, no, no! It's for you, not him.

Malcolm:
Oh my God! We have to call the police!

Victor:
No! No police! No police, please! There's no reason to panic. [Throws the phone on the table out of the room]

Malcolm:
Yes, there is! You gave Reese a live grenade, and he's a total idiot!

Reese:
He's right. I am. I don't think I should have it anymore. Here!

Lois:
(sees that the new refrigerator has been destroyed) WHAT HAPPENED HERE?!!!

Victor:
We can't be sure.

Reese:
(hysterical) Grandpa gave me a grenade, and it was going to blow, and I didn't mean to drop it! But Malcolm threw it in the fridge!

Lois:
You gave my son a grenade? You brought live ammunition into this house?! WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH YOU PEOPLE?! ARE YOU COMPLETELY INSANE?!!

Victor:
Because of what just happened, you want us to loan you $3,000?

Hal:
Please. I know you're uncomfortable loaning to family, so let me be clear. With one phone call, I could have your asses thrown in jail for child endangerment. So, this money I'm asking for, it's not a loan. It's blackmail.

Ida:
He's like your cousin Vaslefdt all over again.

Lois:
Well, knock yourself out. My record is clean.

[Scene changes to the police officer arresting Lois.]

Lois:
There is no way I have 16 unpaid parking tickets! The computer's wrong! You are not getting away with this!

Lois:
I am not taking traffic school.

Hal:
Honey, if you don't take traffic school, you'll get a point in your license.

Lois:
I'm not getting a point in my license because I'm taking this to court. I did nothing wrong and I got three eyewitnesses to prove it. They saw exactly what happened.

[The camera comes up to Reese and flashbacks]

Lois:
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...

[as Lois is saying "blah," Reese is taking gum off his shoe. The camera comes up to Malcolm and flashbacks]

Lois:
Quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack, quack...

[As Lois continues quacking, Malcolm is drawing a pirate on his arm. The camera comes up to Dewey and flashbacks]

Lois:
Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey, Dewey...

[As Lois is saying his name, Dewey is driving the wheel as Lois is in the passenger's seat.]

Malcolm, Reese, & Dewey:
You're right, mom!

Hal:
I don't understand it. How can we get 16 unpaid parking tickets and not even know about it?

[The scene switches to Francis on the phone at Marlin Academy.]

Francis:
Mom, just calm down.

Lois:
I was in jail, Francis. Jail, all because you didn't pay your parking tickets. How could you gotten 16 parking tickets?

Francis:
It's not my fault, you keep me stuck here. When I come home, I have so much living to do, I don't have time to look for legal parking.

Lois:
You listen mister. Your irresponsible behavior has finally caught up to you and you are going to suffer the consequences. You are paying those parking tickets.

[After Lois tells Francis that he owes the family $747.13 for the unpaid parking tickets.]

Francis:
This is totally unfair! None of this would've happened if you weren't such a reckless driver!

Lois:
Excuse me??!!

Francis:
When I park too close to a mailbox, I didn't endanger anyone's life.

Lois:
I didn't endanger anyone. I was pulled over by a corrupt cop for a traffic violation that I didn't commit!

Francis:
[sarcastically] Oh, but when I say I've been framed by the police, you ship me off to military school! Ironic, isn't it?!

Lois:
That cop was out to get me!

Francis:
Of course he was. Everyone's out to get you. And the neighbor's cat's the ringleader. Didn't you know that?

Lois:
Ha-ha, you can laugh all you want, Francis. But until you come up with the money, you are not coming home.

Francis:
Where am I supposed to get $700?! You're just using this to keep me here.

Lois:
Yeah, that's right. It was the cat's idea.

Lois:
Anything you break comes out of your allowance!

Reese:
We don't get an allowance!

Lois:
Well, now you know why!

Lois:
Francis, I am not gonna let you weasel out of your responsibility. Because of you, we are done to one car until your father gets his next paycheck. Now you either come up with the money, or you don't come home.

Francis:
Mom, its impossible. I'm in school. When I'm not in school, I have homework. When I'm not doing homework, I'm in detention. If I'm lucky, I have six hours free a week. At minimum wage, I wouldn't be able to make it home until Thanksgiving 2010.

Lois:
You bring the yams. [hangs up]

Malcolm (sees the tape):
Oh, my God! I can't believe it. Mom's... wrong.

Hal:
Remember when I took that comedy traffic school? God, that was hilarious. A rabbi, a priest, and a minister come to a four-way stop...

Malcolm:
Someone's got to gi...

Reese:
Not it!

Malcolm:
Well, then, someone can mail it to her any...

Reese:
Not it!

Malcolm:
Well, someone's got to be the person to...

Reese:
Not it!

Malcolm:
... not give it to her!

Reese:
I'm it!

Malcolm:
HAHA! ... Oh

Lois:
The tape is wrong. (gets up and leaves)

Malcolm:
Dad?

Hal:
You heard your mother. The tape... is... OH! (gets up towards Lois)

(Dewey walks up to the police car)

Lois:
Dewey, it's going to okay. Mommy is...

Dewey:
Can you turn on the siren?

Cop:
Sure. (turns it on)

Dewey:
Yeah! [imitates siren]

Lois (to the boys after they got pulled over):
No one make piggy noises, no one say they smell bacon, and no one claim that they're kidnapped.

Hal [to Craig about the security tape]:
You will never mention a word of this to Lois.

Craig:
But...

Hal:
Uh Uh. Not one single word.

Dewey (comes up close):
Got it?

Hal [to Lois]:
I got to admit, it was sexy. Me having to bail you out of jail. (Lois looks at Hal) Well, it was sexy for me.

Lois:
Oh, yeah, Hal. That was a real turn on.

Reese:
Make a run for it, mom. We can be on the News.

Lois:
[ignores Reese and pulls over] All right, no one makes piggy sounds! No one claims they smell bacon! And no one claims they've been kidnapped!

Malcolm:
[To audience] Nothing like two days in the hospital to make you appreciate your own home.

[Reese takes tub of popcorn from Malcolm.]

Reese:
Gimme that!

Lois:
Oh my God! Look at Malcolm's hospital bill! I can't imagine how much it would've cost if he'd actually gotten the surgery.

Hal:
Well, there goes our summer vacation.

Dewey:
So we have to pay, even though he was faking?

Malcolm:
I wasn't faking! I was the one who found out they were wrong.

Reese:
Well, if you're so smart, why didn't you figure it out sooner?

[Everyone stares at Malcolm]

Hal:
Well, son, would you like to field that one for us?

Malcolm:
[To audience] Nothing like ten seconds at home to make you appreciate the hospital!

Malcolm:
Mom, my stomach hurts.

Reese:
So does mine!

Malcolm:
I'm not kidding, it's really sore.

Reese:
Owwwww... it hurts.

Malcolm:
Shut up, Reese.

Reese:
I see spots! Mommy!

Lois:
Alright! That's enough! I don't care what assignment you didn't do or what test you didn't study, you're still going to school.

Hal:
You know, now you mentioned it...

Lois:
Everybody's going!

Hal:
Dewey, don't be frightened, but there's a spider next to you.

Dewey:
Yeah, Dad. There's always a spider on Bacon Day.

Malcolm:
Why do I have to stay in the kids' ward?

Lois:
I'm sorry, honey, but you're six months too young to have an adult room.

Reese:
I hear if you're really good, they'll put apple juice in your sippy cup.

Lois:
Reese, give your brother a hug.

Reese:
Aw, mom?

Lois:
Do it!

Reese:
(gives Malcolm a hug) If you tell anyone I hugged you, I'm putting you back in here.

Malcolm:
Dewey, you're wearing my shirt.

Dewey:
Am I?

Cadet Finley:
I can't take this anymore. If I don't eat, I'm gonna pass out!

Cadet Drew:
Yeah.

Cadet Finley:
Who are you?

Cadet Drew:
I'm your roomate.

Francis:
The strike has been settled! (the cadets cheer) We got his magic hat!

Eric:
What about the TV?

Francis:
Huh?

Dewey [while playing a board game]:
Hey, we look like the family on the box. (the family agrees) Can I be the little girl?

Hal:
Not on my watch, son.

Hal [to Malcolm]:
Whatcha' doing there, son?

Malcolm:
I have to prove Kepler's Third Law of Motion.

Hal:
What's Dewey doing?

Malcolm:
Coloring.

Hal:
I better get in there.

Hal:
Reese, do you know what empathy is?

Reese:
No.

Hal:
Well, empathy is putting yourself in other people's shoes so you can feel what they do. If you hurt someone, empathy makes you hurt as well.

Reese:
Then why would you want empathy?

Hal:
[turns away to Lois, stunned] He has no more sense of right and wrong than a tree-frog!

Eric:
(seeing Francis' notes, which is a little sheet of paper) That's your half? (picks up a book) THIS IS MY HALF!!!!

Eric [to Francis]:
YOU COPIED A PAGE FROM THE DICTIONARY!

Hal:
We can hurt him… we can be parents again!

Mr. Woodward, Reese's history teacher:
I just don't think you'd throw away the son who achieves for, well, Reese.

Lois:
You don't think I'd sacrifice this one? Let me explain something to you. I would sell Malcolm down the river in a heartbeat to save Reese. Malcolm's gonna be fine no matter what happens. Maybe he'll have to go to junior college or start off blue collar, but he'll work his way up to management eventually. Reese is the one who needs saving.

Woodward:
I don't believe you. No mother could ever be that callous to her own son.

[Francis appears in the window, pressed against the glass, while rain pours down and lightning flashes.]

Francis:
Mom, please let me come home! I'm cold and I'm hungry! Please, I'll fix the roof, I'll paint the house! I'll do anything, Mom, please! Just let me live indoors, Mom! Please, I wanna be warm again! MOM, PLEASE! (sobbing)

[Lois smiles victoriously. Woodward looks rather apprehensive.]

Woodward:
Maybe we can work something out.

Hal:
[goes back to a photo booth near the door] Reese, get out of the photo booth.

[Reese peeks out jut in time to see the large man that he threw a bowling ball at, intending for Malcolm, waiting for him. He inserts a dollar bill in the booth]

Reese:
You probably want your privacy. I'll get out of your way.

[The large man pushes him back into the photo booth. Reese is heard screaming as he is getting his ass kicked with photos to prove it.]

[Dewey fakes crying to Lois as she walks towards his room carrying a laundry basket.]'

Lois:
Not Buying It.

Dewey:
Why can't I go bowling too?

Lois:
Because you are spending the night in your room. You are being punished and tomorrow you're going town to the store and buy Mrs. MacNabb a new parakeet.

Dewey:
Aww Dad!

Hal:
Don't look at me. As far as you boys are concerned, your mom and I are a united front.

[At the house on both sides. On one side is Lois watching T.V. with Dewey in a channel he isn't enjoying. On Hal's home side, Dewey is eating pizza and watching a movie. In both scenes, they see the car's flashing lights. On Lois' home side, she carries Dewey to his room and tucks him to bed. On Hal's side, he walks into his room and drags his father out of bed and onto the couch. Dewey hands Hal a pizza slice before heading back into his room. In both sides, Hal and Lois comes home with the boys.]

Lois and Hal:
[Home side] So how'd it go?

Hal and Lois:
[Bowling side] Next time, you take them.

[On Lois' bowling side.]

Malcolm:
Check it out, Beth Ballard's here.

Reese:
Yeah, I heard she's the reason why Mr. Thomas got fired.

[Lois shows up after paying for the boy's one pair of shoes and notices there are no parents around.]

Malcolm:
You can go now, thanks for the ride.

Lois:
Where are the parents? Are there no parents here?

Malcolm:
Mom, please dont....

Lois:
WHERE ARE YOUR PARENTS?! Who's chaperoning this?

Reese:
Mom, we don't need a chaperone.

Lois:
(ignoring Reese) Ok, it's me.

Francis:
How am I ever gonna decide which one of you to take?

Malcolm:
You deliberately bought two tickets just to torment us?

Francis:
No. Of course not. I bought them to see who loves me the most. Now, I know you both love me, but I bet one of you loves me a little bit more.

[Malcolm and Reese look dejected]

Francis:
Come on, guys! It's Rage in the Cage. You should be happy!

Reese:
We are happy!

Francis:
You're not doing the happy dance.

Officer:
There's no sign of forced-entry. You don't have any idea how they could have got inside?

Hal:
It's a mystery.

Dewey:
You left the window open.

Hal:
...Mystery solved!

Officer:
What are you doing here again?

Hal:
We're watching the owner's cat.

Officer:
I don't see a cat.

Hal:
We're not doing a very good job.

[Francis and his date are pulled over by a police officer.]

Officer 2:
License and registration, please.

Francis:
Officer, what did I do?

Officer 2:
This car was reported stolen.

Francis:
Oh, it's been reported stolen, huh?

[digs into wallet to find nothing but a small slip saying "It Gets Worse!"]

Officer 2:
I'm not gonna ask you again.

Francis:
Sir, I know this looks bad...

[Francis and the cop hears banging in the trunk]

Officer 2:
Open the trunk!

Francis:
Officer, let me explain...

Officer 2:
OPEN THE TRUNK!!!!

[Francis unlocks the trunk as the officer opens it and finds Malcolm & Reese in the back tied up]

Officer 2:
GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!!!!!

Lois:
What's the matter, Craig?

Craig:
What does it say on this jar?

Lois:
"Craig."

Craig:
Well I'm glad someone around here can read. The jar holds fourteen pickles. I had three yesterday, two for lunch today, and one and a half for snack. And now there are six and a half pickles in this jar. Simple math indicates...

Lois:
Are you counting the one in your hand?

Craig:
Ok, false alarm.

Malcolm:
So, according to your logic, a two-foot fall from a mini-bike is more dangerous than a six-foot fall from a galloping horse?

Lois:
That was a long time ago.

Malcolm:
Before... gravity?

Craig:
(turns the truck on) I don't know why we have to go across town. It seems kind of silly.

Malcolm:
Craig, I promise. It's the best ice cream in town.

Craig:
Well, I'll be the judge of that.

[backs up the truck and runs over something, making a loud thud; he stops the truck]

Craig:
What was that?!

[Dewey moves a rock out of the driveway to fool Craig into thinking that it was Reese's leg that he ran over]

Reese:
(non-emotional) Ow! Ow, my leg! Ow! Ow!

[Dewey rolls eyes and hits Reese's bump. He begins sobbing and screaming]

Craig:
: (quickly gets out of his truck, panicking) Oh, my God, what did I do?!

Malcolm:
You ran over his leg!

Craig:
Oh, no!

Lois:
(runs outside) What happened? (sees Reese injured) Oh, my God, Reese!

[Reese continues sobbing loudly as Malcolm & Dewey look at each other and smile as their plan worked]

Craig:
(leaving) Jellybean and I are leaving now. Once again, I'm very sorry. I can't even look you people in the eye.

[Once gone, Lois decides to call it even knowing her sons' plans got Craig out of the house.]

Francis:
Sir, his shirt just came untucked when he was hugging his father. You can't yell at him for hugging his father.

[The cadet runs when Spangler turns his attention to Francis]

Hal:
Francis!

Commandant Spangler:
On no, I'm glad you saw this because this is exactly what I was talking about. Always underminding my authority, day in, day out. It's the same thing. Like when I made Cadet Dooley do 600 laps of the perimeter for an inside-out pillow case violation, Francis organizes a sit in. Or when I cut off the electricity in the 5th floor for contraband boom-box, he hijacks a generator for them. The boy lives to cause chaos.

Francis:
He was hugging his dad!

Commandant Spangler:
In front of his father he still defies me at every turn.

Hal:
And everytime something like this happens, he challenges you.

Commandant Spangler:
Every time.

Hal:
Even though he knows he'll get in trouble.

Commandant Spangler:
That doesn't seem to matter to him at all.

Hal:
I understand.

Commandant Spangler:
(turns to Francis) I will deal with you, later.

Reese:
Happy thoughts, happy thoughts, puppies, ice cream, fat people falling over.

Malcolm:
When your TV privileges are taken away, you have to do something for entertainment. This is totally a trade-up.

Lois:
[after realising that Malcolm and Reese lied to them] Hal, get my bra!

Reese Something about people being miserable and suffering brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

Hal [he grabs Reese and Dewey] you boys have ruined the worst stunt you have ever done and that's the last straw! Now you're gonna apologize to those nice wonderful people like you never apologized before. [he puts Dewey on the stand] Okay, Dewey. Say it nice and loud

Dewey We're sorry we dropped the couch on the railroad tracks and wrecked the train.

Reese:
Ha ha. Stupid bug.

[Reese touches the bug zapper]

Reese:
OW! OW! YOU STUPID... [Punches the bug zapper] OW!!

Francis:
You're a liar, you're a liar, you're a liar!"

'[A police officer brings young Francis home and informs Lois that he had caught him taking a joyride on a steamroller]

Lois:
Thanks, Officer. [turns angrily to Francis] What were you thinking?!

Francis:
That it went faster.

Lois:
GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Hal:
I loved the way you sent the boys to their room...

Lois:
Boys! Go to your room!

“Can’t Quack, dying”

When Francis claims he can eat 100 marshmallow Quacks (Peeps).

[Reese tries to break the back door of the ice cream truck with a crowbar. Suddenly, Mr. Wells comes to grabs his arms]

Mr. Wells:
Hey, not so fast, Charlie!

Reese:
Let go of me!

Mr. Wells:
What are you think you're doing, huh?

Reese:
Nothing! Just going from a wall!

Clyde the Ice Cream Man:
What the hell's going on?!

Mr. Wells:
That kid was trying to break into your truck!

Reese:
Let go of me, man! I want some damn ice cream!

Clyde the Ice Cream Man:
You don't deserve ice cream!

Reese:
Yeah? Well, you don't deserve to be an ice cream man!

[He stomps his foot, Mr. Wells screams and runs away]'

Mr. Wells:
Come here, you punk! You little punk!

Clyde the Ice Cream Man:
That will teach you to mess with me! I was disturb to here in my country!

[He goes back into the ice cream truck and closes it. He was gasps that the ice cream is messed up]

Lois:
Hal, you made me sit in the car for eight hours a day listening to Keno. Now you're telling me you don't want to gamble?

Hal:
We are surrounded by the great outdoors, Lois. I mean, we could all go for a hike.

Lois:
Okay, what you've done?

Hal:
Uh...

Lois:
Why are you avoiding the casino?

Patty Henderson:
Hi, I'm Patty. Your babysitter?

Mrs. Griffin:
What are you doing in my yard?

Reese:
AHH! Get away from me! AH! Get away from me!

Lois:
Uh, your daughter is biting my son.

Reese:
She won't let go!

Tina:
Oh, look, they're just playing.

Reese:
Ow, it hurts! It hurts! Mommy! Oww! Ow!

[Lois calmly goes over to where Emily is biting Reese's leg, then reaches down and pinches her nose shut.]

Lois:
Now, honey, if you want to breathe, you're gonna have to open your mouth and let go of my son.

Lois:
Francis, I don't want to have another argument again! You are going to fix the roof!

[Dewey is faking crying in the bedroom as Lois walks by carrying a basket of clean laundry to the master bedroom.]

Lois:
Not Buying It!

Lois:
[turns off the mini bike with the key and takes it out] It's no one's! What's wrong with you boys?! You aren't allowed to have a motorcycle.

[The phone rings]

Hal:
Let the machine get it.

Francis:
Hello, it's Francis. Mom, dad, pick up. I'm in the emergency room and the doctors think they will save my leg when they...

Lois:
Francis, are you okay?

Francis:
Ha! Screening your own child. Fine parents you are.

Lois:
Honey, what's wrong?

Francis:
The fact that I have to resort to lies to get you to talk to me . That's what wrong.

Lois:
What do you want, Francis?

Francis:
I don't know, it's Saturday night. I thought I could call and say hi.

Lois:
Can we call you later? Dad and I are kind of busy right now.

Francis:
Alright, let me talk to my brothers.

Lois:
They're not here.

Francis:
Then what are you...ew...oh...

Kitty:
Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie! Stevie!...

Lois:
Kitty, you have to leave a little room between your Stevies or you won't be able to hear him yell back.

Kitty:
I'm sorry, I'm just a little nervous. I don't have as much experience with my child being in mortal danger.

Lois:
Okay, just calm down. You have to focus on something positive like we're how going to punish them.

Kitty:
How can I focus on anything when Stevie's out there being lost and scared?

Lois:
I understand how you're feeling, Kitty. I'm concerned. We're all concerned.

Hal:
Abe, this van is a palace. How much was it?

Abe:
Not as much as you think. When I bought the DVD player and the flat screen monitor in the GPS system for free.

Kitty:
Stevie!...Stevie!... Stevie...

Malcolm:
What are you doing with toilet paper?

Reese:
I got my hands on some canned fruit, I traded those for batteries, the batteries for DVDs, and I swapped those with the janitor for the school's entire supply of toilet paper. Once the "specially seasoned" meatloaf works its magic, I can name my price.

Malcolm:
You know, that's not only unbelievably evil, but you actually put some thought and effort into it. I'm impressed.

Reese Something about people being miserable and suffering brings out the best in me. Thanks for noticing.

Guard:
Do not set foot outside this area. Not one foot!

Hal:
I would just like to get one thing clear. When we go home, you fellas are still gonna be a presence in the community, right?

Guard:
If I wasn't in uniform, I'd take a swing at you myself.