Only Fools and Horses, Series 7 (1990-1991)

Raquel:
Hello Boycie. I suppose I've got to ask you in?

Boycie:
Yes. I'd like to get away as quick as possible. I've left my Mercedes parked downstairs and you know what they're like on this estate. They'd have the wheels off a Jumbo if it flew too low.

Rodney:
I feel like I've taken a mountain to Muhammad to find out he's already bloody got one.

Bronco:
I am not a cowboy!

Boyce:
Not a cowboy? I've got spur marks on my grandfather clock

Bronco:
Nobody's ever called me that before, I am not a cowboy!

Del:
Bronco!

Raquel:
The doctor told you to stay off fried food.

Del:
Yes, I know, and the Doctor told Snow White to eat more fruit. But we all know what happened to that poor old cow.

Raquel:
The tour doesn't start for another three months.

Del:
Oh well, gives you plenty of time to meet more of them intelligent, sensitive actor people don't it?

Raquel:
Derek, will you get it into your thick skull: I'm not trying to meet intelligent and sensitive people, I'm happy with you!

Del:
How many people can you see standing there?

Uncle Albert:
Well... one.

Del:
I can see - two.

Rodney:
You know what that means, Albert?

Uncle Albert:
No.

Rodney:
Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

[Back at the flat after the performance]

Raquel:
You bastard! You just walked out and left us!

Del:
What elcse could I do? I could hardly go up to Eugene's table and go "Ha, ha! That was alright. Different, weren't it?" Did you finish the performance?

Raquel:
Oh yes, Derek. We saw it through to the death. "Please Welease Me", "Congwatulations" and "And the Gween Gween Gwass of Home!"

Rodney:
And that was followed by a medley of wock and woll! [bursts out laughing]

Del:
[coldly] That is not funny, Wodney- Rodney!

Albert:
Who's there?

Tony Angelino:
Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?

Raquel:
It's Tony, let him in.

Tony Angelino:
I've come for me money.

Del:
All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it come back tomorrow.

Tony Angelino:
No not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance didn't i? I did the wepotoire that you YOU insisted on.

Del:
I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's.

Tony Angelino:
What does that matter?

Albert:
Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.

Tony Angelino:
I don't sing songs with R's in and if the song has got an R in it I change the lywics.

Del:
Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?

Tony Angelino:
How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's called "Cwying"!

Tony Angelino:
We signed a contwact.

Del:
Ah yes but my brother drew up that contract and he put in a get out clause didn't you, Rodney?

Rodney:
No.

Del:
Then why didn't you?

Rodney:
You didn't tell me to. I ain't a lawyer, I sweep up and make the tea.

Tony Angelino:
No-one who pwonounces R's like me have ever become successful.

Albert:
There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.

Tony Angelino:
Exactly.

Trigger:
Give me a lift home will you Boyce?

Denzil:
Yeah me too Boycie.

Boycie:
Oh yes of course I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days ain't I?

Del, Boycie, & Denzil:
Trigger!

Trigger:
Alright.

Del:
Was it you Trig? Was it you who organised all this?

Boycie:
Oh turn it up, Del Boy. Trigger couldn't organise a prayer in a mosque.

Trigger:
I got lost on me way here.

Denzil:
How could you get lost? You've been coming to this pub since you were 16!

Trigger:
No, I found the pub alright. I meant I couldn't find this room. (to Mike) I've been in your dance hall for the last hour.

Mike:
But all the lights are out!

Trigger:
I know.

Boycie:
You've been standing in the dark for an hour?

Trigger:
Yeah I thought we were all gonna jump out and surprise someone.

Mike:
But there was no-one else in there.

Trigger:
But I didn't know that, did I? The lights were out. (to Rodney) How you going, Dave?

Rodney:
As I was saying. On a cold, rainy night in Peckham, someone has arranged for you four to be here in in this room - together. No-one knows who. And the most frightening aspect of the whole mystery - no-one knows why! Now, think hard. Who would do something like that?

Trigger:
Jeremy Beadle?

Boycie:
Jeremy bloody Beadle?!?

Rodney:
Don't be stupid!

Rodney:
This is bit like one of them Agatha Christie films innit.

Trigger:
Yeah I used to fancy her.

Rodney:
You used to fancy Agatha Christie?

Trigger:
Yeah, I had a picture of her on my bedroom wall.

Denzil:
She was an old lady, old English country gardens, and granny hats.

Del:
Yeah she looked a bit like Mr. Kipling's bit on the side.

Trigger:
Well I fancied her. I saw her in that film Doctor Zhivago.

Boycie:
That's Julie Christie, you berk!

Roy Slater:
While I was inside, I found Jesus!

Del:
What had they fitted him up with?

Slater:
To be more precise, Jesus found me...round about the time I got a message to say my old man had passed away.

Del:
I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.

Slater:
Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.

Trigger:
Why didn't you?

Denzil:
Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Trigger:
Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

Slater:
I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...

Denzil:
And he wouldn't let you go?

Slater:
Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

Albert:
Who's Rachel?

Roy Slater:
Would you do me one favour. When the baby's born, if it's a boy would you call him after me?

Rodney:
I wouldn't have thought so. It's not fair to christen a kid "Dick", is it?

Raquel:
(about the women in the over-60's club) You should have more respect Mike. Those women went through the war for us.

Boycie:
Yeah, you can still see the bomb damage on some of them.

Raquel:
(when Rodney arrives at the Nag's Head after cleaning Del's recently accquired Capri Ghia) Your finger's bleeding, Rodney.

Rodney:
Yeah, that happened when me hand went straight through the bodywork! I'm bleeding, see! There's blood! Oh yeah. Mike, you got a plaster?

Del:
Oi, what do you mean your hand went through straight through the bodywork?

Rodney:
There's a big rust hole in the wing. Boycie's blokes had stuffed it full of newspapers and body-filler and sprayed over it.

Boycie:
That's slanderous, Rodney. That must have happened before I took possession of the vehicle!

Rodney:
They were yesterday's newspapers!

Boycie:
I remember a few years back when I had that important client coming over from Belgium and I was trying to get tickets to Wimbledon to impress him. You said "Leave it to me Boycie, I gotta contact at Wimbledon."

Del:
I got you two tickets!

Boycie:
That's right! They drew nil-nil with Ipswich!

Del:
Ever since you went vegetarian, you've become a right miserable git.

Raquel:
There's nothing wrong with being vegetarian Del.

Rodney:
That's right! One in five people in this country now refuse to eat meat. Mickey Pearce has become a vegetarian.

Del:
Yeah, but only since he got the sack from World Of Leather. A man needs a bit of fat and stodge to solid things up. Any doctor'll tell you that. All that carrot and cabbage cobblers, no wonder you're depressed.

Rodney:
I am depressed because of the state of the state of my life at the moment. I've got this horrible feeling that if there is such a thing as reincarnation, knowing my luck I'll come back as me!

Mike:
So?

Trigger:
What?

Mike:
What name have they decided on?

Trigger:
If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.

Del:
Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger:
They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.

Mike:
So what happened Trig?

Trigger:
He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert:
What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger:
Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.

Del:
But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney:
No! Who held the whip-round?

Del:
All the passengers on his bus.

Rodney:
No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. they're bound to call it Damien.

Albert:
(as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".

Rodney:
Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.

Del:
Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!

Raquel:
Shut up, Del.

Del:
Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]

Albert:
The specialists are on their way, Del.

Del:
Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.

Del:
Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.

Midwife:
I know. That's why I'm here.

Del:
What are you, a pervo, or something?!

Nurse:
This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.

Del:
But he's a bloke!

Midwife:
I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.

Raquel:
[panting] Just let him do his job, Del.

Del:
No, he's a bloke!

Raquel:
I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!

Rodney:
Is it... normal?

Del:
What do you mean, normal?

Rodney:
No... numbers or anything?

Del:
What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?

Del:
It's a baby, Raquel.

Raquel:
I've been wondering what that swelling was.

Del:
(to his newborn son, Damien) I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year, we'll be millionaires.

Rodney:
(after a failed attempt to call Cassandra's dad, Alan) He's not in. He's probably gone to Manchester to pick up Cassandra, and she will tell him I've booked into a hotel with another woman. He will fire me, she will divorce me, (to Uncle Albert) And it's all your fault! (To Del) And yours!

Trigger:
Jeremy Beadle?

Boycie:
[astounded] Jeremy bloody Beadle?!?

Rodney:
Don't be stupid!

Del:
[annoyed that the host hasn't shown up] 'ere, Rodney. Now, you're trying to frighten us. Now pack it in, 'cause it won't work!

Denzil:
[throwing beermat down and standing up] Oh, that's it. I'm off.

Del:
[as he and Boycie put their hands on Denzil's shoulders and press him back down into his seat] Sit down, Denzil! [Quickly, once Denzil has sat back down] You're not going anywhere.

Denzil:
[pleading] Look, listen. I wasn't even at your school for long. My mum and dad didn't even come down to London until I was thirteen. I don't really feel I qualify as one of the old boys.

Boycie:
Did you get an invitation?

Denzil:
Yeah.

Boycie:
Then you're stayin'.

Denzil:
Well, it's just that I've got this thought going round my head.

Boycie:
Well, lend it to Trigger.

Denzil:
Say, just say, our old headmaster escaped.

[The thought slowly sinks in for everybody.]

Del:
(waving to Barry) All right, Bazza!

Barry:
Oh God! There's always one.[Rodney creeps around a seemingly empty house, until he sees Don, who due to his uncanny resemblance, he thinks is Del.]

Rodney:
(seeing Don) You git!

Rodney:
You rotten, lying, conniving git!

Boycie:
Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...

Marlene:
(cuts in) Shut up moaning.

Boycie:
And then THEY (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!

Marlene:
You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!

Boycie:
Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!

Albert:
You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.

Rodney:
Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?

Albert:
When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!

Rodney:
You must have made more bloody noise than me then!

Denzil:
[exasperated about Del being secretive] How can we be certain that this stuff [indicates the barrels containing the substance] isn't dangerous?!

Del:
[equally exasperated about Denzil's supposed insubordination] Because it is not! And that's the truth! [he goes into the shed, closing the door behind him]

Trigger:
There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth, now. You get that end... [moves to pick up one of the barrels]

Denzil:
What d'ya mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth?! That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger:
Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager's got to do with it anyway.

Denzil:
[frustrated] But Trig... [thinks on what Trigger has just said] What?!

Trigger:
When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil:
[angry] Yes, I remember! I was doing detention in there at the time!

Trigger:
And you say he don't know what he's talking about?

Denzil:
[annoyed] Right, that's it, Del! I am not touching them! I'm off!

Del:
[still in the shed, therefore unseen] Denzil, now, believe me, it's harmless! And to prove it, I'm gonna help you carry it! Well, I can't play fairer than that, can I?

Trigger:
Look, it can't be dangerous, Denzil.

Denzil:
How can you be sure?!

Trigger:
Cause Del's just offered to help us carry 'em.

Denzil:
Yeah, all right, Trig. All right.

Del:
[enthusiastically] Lovely jubbly!

Denzill:
It's closed!

Trigger:
(checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.

Del:
(turns to face Trigger) What d'you mean, "it's a bit late"? You said it was open twenty-four hours a day!

Trigger:
Yeah, but not at night!

Del:
Bint!

Denzil:
[despairingly] So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of...something, in the back of my van!

Trigger:
We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.

Del:
Is it open?

Trigger:
No.

Denzil:
[angry] Well, what's the point of taking it to your depot if that's not open either?!

Trigger:
[puts his hand in his pocket] Well, it soon will be open. [takes his hand out of his pocket. A set of keys are hanging from his fingers.] I got a spare set of keys here.

Del:
[glaring at Trigger] Bloody hell!

Denzil:
[to Del] Are you sure this is all right?

Del:
[angrily] WELL, WHO CARES?!

Trigger:
[nonchalantly] Yeah, no problems. [leans forward, to look backwards] Come on, back up. You're all right behind, Denzil.

Denzil:
I mean, is it legal?!

Del:
[angrily] YES! [Denzil jumps back in his seat] JUST... HUSH UP WITH YOU, DENZIL! [faces forward; calmer] Stone me, it's bloody hot in here! I can't see the fascination with this diving lark!

Denzil:
This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!

Del:
No, honest, it's not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!

Rodney:
We are not dealing with a normal person; this is Derek Trotter! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!

Myles:
First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.

Del:
Well, it's this - earthy sort.

Rodney:
Well Trigger could be considered an expert.

Mike:
Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.

Sid:
There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.

Denzil:
Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.

Sid:
Give it here.

Denzil:
Here's another one.

Sid:
Give it here.

Denzil:
That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.

Sid:
I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.

Trigger:
Yeah.

Sid:
What'll it be Trig?

Trigger:
Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.

Rodney:
(when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends rather than spending time with Raquel and Damien) Just who are your mates, Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.

Mike:
[approaches the table where Del, Boycie, Trigger and Denzil are sitting, with a tray of drinks] Here we go, gentlemen. [as he starts handing the drinks out while Boycie lights a cigar] That right, Del? Just a lemonade for you? [hands Trigger his drink]

Del:
Yeah, that's right, yeah. I'm going down to visit Trig's dentist this afternoon, I don't wanna smell of booze, do I? [drinks]

Mike:
[sits down on a stool at the table] So, how are things on the home front? You and Raquel still at "pistols drawn", are ya?

Del:
Yes! Still involved in the Cold War. [He inhales deeply as Boycie takes his cigar out of his mouth and takes his glass] I'm gonna live my life the way I wanna live it. Give her time, she'll learn. [winks]

Denzil:
[as Del drinks] That's exactly the attitude I took with my Corinne. Even when she left me, I refused to change. Seven years ago, but I haven't changed.

Del:
Yeah, but there is a difference though, ain't there, Denzil. [as Boycie puts his cigar back in his mouth] I mean, you know, um...Raquel would never leave me, 'cause it's the [gestures] real deep love thing.

Mike:
Women are a mystery, though, ain't they?

Del:
What? I'd say. Here's a mystery for ya. [Boycie takes his cigar out of his mouth] Here's a bit. Answer me this. Why is it that women always wanna know what time you got in? Right? They say to ya, "What time did you get in last night?", you say "Ooh, I don't know, about quarter past twelve." And they go "No you didn't, it was twenty to two." [Boycie smiles and nods in agreement] And I think to myself, "Well, why bloody ask?"

Mike:
[Pointing at Del] Oh he's right, he's right. Why ask? I mean, it's like saying to you, er, [gesturing at Del] "What's that on the telly? Coronation Street or EastEnders?" And you say, "It's EastEnders." And they say, "No it ain't, it's Coronation Street!" [Denzil nods in agreement] I mean, why ask?

Del:
'Ere, why ask?

Boycie:
Beats me. [Puts his cigar back in his mouth again]

Mike:
You know, I came home one night, and my missus said "'Ere, where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.

Mike, Boycie, Del, & Denzil:
Why ask?

Trigger:
[about a second after the others have asked] Why ask?

Boycie:
[with his cigar out of his mouth] Oh, I mean, that's women for ya, aren't they? I mean, they're a different breed. I mean, take my Marlene. She's always moaning on and on about how I don't respect her. I mean, me, don't respect me own wife? [laughs] Daft old mare. [Puts his cigar back in his mouth, has a quick drag, takes it out] I mean, I love her, don't get me wrong, but sometimes, I think getting married was the worst mistake I ever made in my life. [He and Del laugh to themselves] I sometimes think back to when we first met in Lewisham Grove. I wish I'd never ever walked into that betting shop now. [He puts his cigar back in his mouth as Del starts to look uncomfortable. Mike and Denzil stare at them.]

Trigger:
[breaking the uncomfortable silence] Oh, so you ---

Denzil:
[interrupting, knowing that Trigger is about expose Del asking out Marlene] Trigger! I've remembered something very important I meant to tell ya.

Trigger:
What's that?

Denzil:
It's gone now.

Trigger:
Oh, that's all right, Denzil. It happens to me all the time. See, I was just gonna say something important to Del, and it's gone now. [Del breathes a sigh of relief, as Trigger turns to face Mike.] So, how'd it turn out then, Mike?

Mike:
Eh?

Trigger:
Coronation Street or EastEnders?

Boycie:
As long as it weren't Eldorado, we can all sleep easy, eh? [He and Del laugh.]

Del:
Oh. All right, Unc? Any messages for me?

Albert:
[balancing on Denzil and Mike] Yeah, uh... [Thinks for a moment] That bloke phoned, about the video cameras, and, uh… [Thinks for another moment] Someone come round, moaning about, er… a pair of ski pants. Ooh, and Raquel's left ya! [Points at Del, then walks away as Del realises what he's said]

Del:
(confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!

Beverly:
(to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?

Trigger:
Oh just a couple of fillings.

Albert:
(when Damien throws the ball into his bedroom) Little git! (walks into the living room) I fought for this country shot and shell and how they treat ya? Ain't bloody fair, eh?

[Trigger and Boycie are sitting at Sid's Cafe. Trigger has a green-and-yellow ribbon attached to a bronze medal on the left side of his coat. Del and Rodney come over and join them.]

Del:
Mornin', all.

Trigger:
Alright, Del?

Boycie:
[looks up from his newspaper as Del goes to sit on his side] Thank God you've arrived. [As Rodney sits down] He can bore you two with it, now.

Rodney:
What's that?

Boycie:
[with mock support] Trigger's got a medal! [Trigger shows it off]

Del:
[notices it] Oh, yeah! Where'd'ya find that, then, Trig?

Trigger:
No, I was awarded it. [Puts his left hand in his pocket] Look. [Takes out a photograph, turns it round so Del can see. It shows Trigger, smartly dressed in his road sweeper uniform, with his medal, grinning and holding his broom, standing next to a smartly-dressed, stern-looking black woman] It's a picture of me receiving my medal from Councillor Murray. [Turns it so Rodney can see] See? [Points to the photo of himself] That's me.

Rodney:
[Sarcastically] Oh, that's you, is it, Trig? Right. Well, glad you cleared that up. [Shoots Del a look]

Del:
'Ere, lemme have a look at that a minute, Trig, will ya? [Trigger hands him the photograph, which he studies] Oh, right, so that's that Councillor Murray, is it? She's the old cow that refused my application for a council grant! [Matter-of-factly] I've never been so humiliated in my life.

Boycie:
[As Del hands the photograph back to Trigger] Ah Derek, when you have the time, you must tell me all about it.

Del:
[Thinking] Hey, d'ya mean that some of your friends down at the Masonic Lodge have got influence in the Town Hall?

Boycie:
Eh, no. It's just that I've often wondered what it must be like to apply for a council grant! [Laughs]

Del:
[To Rodney, sarcastically] And the day started off so well, didn't it?

Trigger:
It was Councillor Murray's idea. She's Head of Finance and Facilities at the Town Hall. And she says that local people should be rewarded for services to the community. [Looks at his photograph] Proud moment in my family's history.

Boycie:
Trigger, you haven't got a family history. You were created by a chemical spillage at a germ warfare factory somewhere off the Deptford High Street.

Trigger:
[Oblivious to Boycie's insult] Maybe. But I still feel proud. [Del laughs to himself and puts his cup down as Boycie rolls his eyes and stares out the window]

Rodney:
So, what exactly is the award for?

Trigger:
For saving the council money. I happened to mention to her one day that I've had the same broom for the last twenty years. She was very impressed and said, "Have a medal". [Looks at the photograph again] Twenty years. It's a long time, Dave.

Rodney:
Yeah, well, it's two decades, innit?

Trigger:
[as Sid comes over with orders] Well I wouldn't go that far, but it's a long time. [Rodney stares at him whilst drinking]

Del:
[Confused] Jer, Trig, jus-just a sec. [As Sid puts the orders down and sits on the table behind him to listen to the conversation] If you've had that broom for the last twenty years, have you actually swept any roads with it?!

Trigger:
[Hurt] Well, of course! But I look after it well. We have an old saying that's been handed down by generations of road sweepers: "Look after your broom".

Rodney:
"And your broom will look after you".

Trigger:
No, Dave. It's just "Look after your broom".

Rodney:
[Looks at Del and Boycie, who look away and shake heads] Oh, yeah, that old saying.

Trigger:
Yeah. And that's what I done. Maintained it for 20 years. [Leans over, picks his broom up so Del, Rodney and Boycie can see. It is very clean.] This old broom has had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time. [Rodney frowns. Boycie rolls his eyes. Del starts muttering to himself, as though he's counting.]

Sid:
How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?

Trigger:
[Shows Sid the picture] Well, here’s a picture of it! What more proof do you need?

Rodney:
We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na, and everything!

Rodney:
(dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Trigger:
Me either.

Rodney:
You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger:
Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.

Del:
(dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.

Raquel:
You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!

Cassandra:
Ooh Pierce Brosnan.

Rodney:
Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.

Cassandra:
Yes, haven't I just?

Del:
Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.

Raquel:
Oh shut up.

Del:
No, you could.

Raquel:
Don't be silly.

Del:
I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.

Rodney:
One day, they might make a musical about the history of the Trotter family. Then as a sequel, they could do Schindler's List on Ice!

Rodney:
Cassandra, we are talking about Derek Trotter. To Del, market penetration means sex under a barrow!

Rodney:
(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!

Albert:
During the war...

Del:
Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!

Del:
(talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.

Raquel:
He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.

Del:
Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.

Albert:
During the...

Del:
If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!

Albert:
I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!

Del:
Well that's alright then.

Albert:
Bloody little know-it-all.

Del:
Alright, sorry.

Albert:
Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...[Del glowers at him]

Rodney:
Cassie seemed so fragile. I wanted to cuddle her and talk to her about it - but I was frightened I might... sort of break her.

Del:
No. She's strong, Rodney. Look, it's just a dropped stitch in life's tapestry. That's what Mum used to say.

Rodney:
Yeah, I suppose that's about the strength of it when you think about it.

Del:
Of course it is. You two'll pick up the bits and pieces and be cruising down that big highway again. Cassandra wants to talk about it, she told Raquel.

Rodney:
What do I say to her?

Del:
Well, you tell her exactly what you told me - you can leave out the bit about the hairs if you like. You go home and you have a heart-to-heart with her right now. And while you're there, you ask her if she fancies coming round for dinner tonight.

Rodney:
Yeah, I'd love to Del, but there is the little matter that I'm stuck in a lift.

Del:
Oh yeah. (stands up and opens the control panel) Let's have a look in here.

Rodney:
Claustrophobia cleared up quick, didn't it?

Del:
Yeah well, got over the worst of it.

Rodney:
(stands up) Almost as quick as that flu you had this morning.

Del:
Well, these things, they come and go, don't they? Oh look, there's a little switch in here. (presses a switch, and the lift begins moving again) There you go.

Rodney:
(angry) You git! You stopped it!

Del:
(smiling) It was the only way I could get you talking! You can't run away in a broken lift.

Rodney:
You git!

Rodney:
(laughing) You! You git!

Del:
(taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?

Albert:
That jar over there.

Del:
This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.

Albert:
Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

Del:
I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?

Albert:
Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.

Del:
I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?

Audrey:
Wonderful.

Del:
(uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!

Cassandra:
(offer Del the "gravy") Del?

Del:
No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.

Cassandra:
Albert?

Albert:
Er, not for me dear.

Del:
Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!

Del:
How much exactly did it go for?

Rodney:
Six point two million. Just over three million each.

Del:
Well we've had worse days, ain't we?

Del:
Come on Rodney, this is our big chance. He who dares wins! This time next year, we could be billionaires!

Trigger:
When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.

Denzil:
Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.

Trigger:
I know. But I still hear voices!

Boycie:
Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!

Trigger:
There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.

Denzil:
Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

Del:
Don't worry Rodney, this time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Rodney:
This time last week, we were millionaires!

Cassandra:
Del, it's Albert. I'm so sorry.

Del:
(regarding the loss of their fortune) Oh, it's my fault, is it!?

Rodney:
Either you, or this is the Chinese Year of the Dodo!

Rodney:
So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?

Trigger:
Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.

Rodney:
Oh, right. (realises) But you live closer to the pub than us.

Trigger:
I know.

Rodney:
In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.

Trigger:
Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!

Trigger:
Ain't there any words to this, Dave?

Rodney:
Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.

Del:
What's this?

Trigger:
It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.

Jonathan Ross:
In which state was President Kennedy in when he was assassinated in 1963?

Del:
Well he was in a terrible state, he died.

Del:
Here, Boyce. You know this car's a GTI. If you rearrange the numbers then you got yourself a personalised number plate!

Damien:
(to Raquel) Mum, Uncle Rodders says that I'll be horrible when I'm all grown up.

Raquel:
Oh did he?

Rodney:
Yeah, well, they all are aren't they? They go through that Kevin and Perry stage.

Raquel:
Yeah, suppose they are a bit annoying. But when you reach 21 a man leaves those days behind him and matures into a responsible adult.

Del:
(on the phone) So, I squeezed this tube of onion puree into his hair gel! So Boycie goes to the wedding smelling like a Big Mac!

Raquel:
Well that's the theory, anyway.

Del:
One of my most favouritist meals is Duck à l'Orange, but I don't know how to say that in French.

Rodney:
It's canard.

Del:
You can say that again bruv!

Rodney:
No the French word for duck is canard.

Del:
Is it? I thought that was something to do with the QE2?

Rodney:
No that's Cunard. They're the ones with the boats and what have you. The French for duck is canard.

Del:
Right lovely jubbly. Right, so how do the French say à l'Orange then?

Rodney:
A l'Orange!

Del:
What, the same as we do?

Rodney:
Yes.

Del:
Oh dear, it's a pity they don't use more of our words innit eh?

Rodney:
Here's another one of them, Del! It's like a geriatric Village of the Damned!

Del:
I don't know about St. Claire a la Chappelle, they should rename this place "Trottersville"!

Del:
Captain Corelli's Mandolin? More like Captain Birdseye's Banjo!

Del:
We're just gonna have to let him go then.

Rodney:
We can't just let him go! A stranger on this estate? Imagine what the gangs will do to him?

Denzil:
Yeah. For all we know, he could be part of Al-Qaeda!

Rodney:
Don't be stupid, Denzil.

Del:
Yeah. I mean, does he look like he works in a furniture store?

Boycie:
Have you ever spent an evening in Trigger's flat!? It's like holding a seance with Mr. Bean.

Sid:
This group do a tribute to Robson and Jerome.

Rodney:
Why?

Del:
Well Boycie, I hope you won't take offence and what I'm about to say, but me and Rodney think you've murdered Marlene and buried her in the garden.

Boycie:
How dare you! Murdered my wife and buried her in the garden? I have never been so insulted in my life. You know how much I've spent on that garden! You think I'm going to dig a hole in it?

Trigger:
(talking about his invention of a backscratcher made from chopsticks) Raquel, can you pass a message onto Del Boy?

Raquel:
OK.

Trigger:
Tell him there's been a bit of a setback. My paraffin heater melted the chopsticks. I might have to go to a Chinese shop. He'll understand.

Cassandra:
Why do they do that?

Raquel:
It's like I've told you, Cassandra. Women are from Venus, men are from Peckham!

Cassandra:
There's you. (realisation hits her)

Rodney:
Yeah there's me. July 1960. Before I was born.

Cassandra:
Who is it?

Rodney:
He's my father.

Cassandra:
But your father...

Rodney:
My real father, Cass. My biological old man.

Raquel:
Who is he?

Del:
His name was Freddie Robdal. He was a mate of my dad's. My mum was having a rough time with the old man. He was very handy, if you know what I mean, with women. Not much cop when it came to men, but a hard nut with women and kids. Anyway, one day, my dad brought Freddie home, and him and my mum got on like a house on fire. They had the same taste in music and... well, everything.

Cassandra:
And what was he, this Freddie Robdal?

Rodney:
He was a gentleman safe-cracker. They called him "The Raffles of Peckham". People have mentioned him before and we sounded similar. He was a connoisseur of fine wines, a gourmet, a real snappy dresser, and big-time charmer.

Cassandra:
So, how are you similar?

Rodney:
We're about the same height.

Raquel:
And you've known all these years?

Del:
No. Well...at least, not when Rodney was a baby. But...when you get to 20, and your 6-year-old brother is taller than you, it makes you think, don't it? I never knew really who he was. As a youngster, I was told to call him "Uncle Fred". And then a few years back, Uncle Albert got drunk at an old folks' do... It was a wet corset contest. Anyway, he told me all about Freddie and my mum. I don't know if you noticed, but there are no photographs of my mum in this house, except for a couple of close-ups.

Raquel:
Well, yeah. But, I assumed your dad had taken them when he left.

Del:
No. He only used to take money and things that he could sell. Then Uncle Albert told me...it was my Aunt Reenie who sorted it all after Mum's funeral. You see every picture of Mum included Freddie Robdal, and my Aunt Reenie knew that as Rodney got older, people would start to see the stimularities, so she burnt them.

Raquel:
Do you think Rodney knows?

Del:
(when Rodney asks if he's anything like his father, Freddie the Frog) Freddie the Frog was a professional burglar. He was disloyal to his friends. He was a womaniser, a home-breaker, a con-man, a thief, a liar, and a cheat... So no Rodney, you're nothing like him.

Del:
Can I ask you a question, Rodders?

Rodney:
Fire away.

Del:
Where did that runway come from?

Rodney:
I don't fancy making that film now.

Del:
You know what, Rodders? That's a bloody good idea! (both Trotter Brothers laugh)