Orange Is the New Black, Season 3

Sister Jane Ingalls:
How you doing, Red?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Strangest thing. Ever since the assault I speak with this Russian accent.

Joe Caputo:
Now, what'd you hear?

Berdie Rogers:
That you got caught in a shit-storm, but you put up a sturdy umbrella.

Joe Caputo:
Yeah, well, it's starting to leak. Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's job, along with doing my old job, which the powers-that-be have yet to fill.[sighs] I'm doin' two jobs.

Berdie Rogers:
Do you resent that the administration hired me before finding a replacement for your old job?

Joe Caputo:
Are you analyzin' me?

Berdie Rogers:
No. I just don't want any shade without having been given a shot.

Joe Caputo:
My beef's not with you.

Berdie Rogers:
What'd you hear about me?

Joe Caputo:
That you're smart and you're qualified and you said yes.

Berdie Rogers:
Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part?

Joe Caputo:
How's this? Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed in both the counseling and hair removal arenas. These are complicated ladies in a complicated place.

Piper Chapman:
Crackheads, Wookiees. You know, you gotta let 'em win.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
You ever read a book called Freakonomics?

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
No. What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Close. It's about economic theory, cause and effect.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Sounds boring.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Mmm. It's actually a pretty good read. They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?"

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Over there in that field.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
[chuckles] You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
The Darkness of '73.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
The exact opposite, actually. I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v. Wade? These were children that weren't wanted. Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon. But they were never born. So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there. And the crime rate [scoffs] Dropped dramatically.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
What's your point?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit. So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Never thought about it that way.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Well, maybe you should, hmm? Maybe you should stop punishing yourself. I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what's best for her children. And maybe what was best for your children was wipin' 'em out before they had to lead miserable fucking lives.

[Red has come to Healy's office]

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
I need to add my lawyer to my visitation list.

Sam Healy:
You having problems with your case?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
No. And please take my husband off my list.

Sam Healy:
[gesturing to the seat in front of him] Why don't you have a seat, Red?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
I won't be staying. But thank you.

Sam Healy:
Please... Sit. [annoyed, she does so] You want to tell me what's going on?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
I married a pillow. Soft, lumpy, and always lying behind my back.

Sam Healy:
Words like "always" are absolutes. And using them is a way to reinforce what we wanna believe. When speaking emotionally, absolutes can be dangerous.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Good advice. Thank you. Please add my lawyer and remove my husband.

Sam Healy:
You know, Red... Marriage is a two-way street.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
And you can't swim without getting wet. See, I can say cliches too. Ha!

Sam Healy:
You owe it to your younger self to explore those things that made you wanna marry this man in the first place. You may find that they're still there.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners. But I'll settle for my name back.

Sam Healy:
You made a lifelong commitment. That's sacred.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
You don't know my story, Healy, and you don't know what he's done. [In Russian] Cocksucker.

Sam Healy:
[in a sharp tone, startling her] Hey! Language! [angrily] I know what that word means, and it's not okay to refer to your husband, or any other man that way. [as she stares at him in shock, he rises from his seat] You know, you huff in here... Like some put-upon martyr... Like a smile would break your face, trivialising a man's emotions. What is that? Some kind of a Russian thing or something?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
What the hell does that -?

Sam Healy:
Hey! Language! Again! That's the last time I'm gonna warn you, Mrs. Reznikov. [comes round to the front of his desk] You forget where you are... Just like you forget that your husband has a stake in this too? Just because he made some mistakes doesn't mean you can run off and go sleep in your mother's room at the first sign of white caps on the ocean!

Maria Ruiz:
You'll call each other up maybe meet for drinks, make more plans but then cancel them, push them off, you're suddenly really busy. But the truth is you're avoiding each other because it only took that one drink for you to realize you don't have anything in common and all you got was a reminder of the time you spent in this fucking hellhole. We're not a family. We're a band-aid and once you rip it off, all we are to each other is scars.

Berdie Rogers:
Look, Vause, I get it. I get the anger. When a country has more inmates than teachers or engineers, we are living in a fucked up society. Prison is bullshit.

Alex Vause:
[chuckling] Then why work in one?

Berdie Rogers:
Because I think there are people here with potential that's being squandered - and I wanna make a -

Alex Vause:
Oh, you wanna make a difference? Yeah, I get it. You're one of the good guys. But guess what. We all think we're good guys. I used to work for a drug dealer who wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in your head if you crossed him, or if you stopped being useful to him, but in his mind, he's still a good guy. [laughing] Heroin Robin Hood because he cut out the Mexican cartels and passed on the savings to the consumer, and he never cut his shit with brick dust. And you're not just another shill taking a paycheck from an evil system of oppression, 'cause you're fighting it from the inside with drama class. Fine. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get by. But excuse me if I don't want to spend my precious time catering to the delusion that you're making a difference. I have my own quilt of lies to sew.

Berdie Rogers:
That is a great speech. Now, I would love to hear you give it again in drama class.

[Lorna and Chang are doing a scene together in Berdie's improv class]

Lorna Morello:
Oh, Frankie? [makes motions] You have a phone call, Frankie! Would you...like to...take the phone? [Chang shrugs] Take the phone...

Chang:
That's not a phone.

Lorna Morello:
What is it?

Chang:
It's a dog.

Lorna Morello:
No, it's not...

Berdie Rogers:
Agree to the situation, go with it...

Lorna Morello:
But she is clear---alright, dog, my mistake, and here...is the phone!

Chang:
That's not a phone either.

Lorna Morello:
What is it?

Chang:
A DICK!

[everyone cracks up]

Piper Chapman:
... because it is... so .. good to see you... customer ...Would you maybe like another piece of fruit... it's a persimmon.

Black Cindy:
Uh-Uh That's a dick [everybody laughs].

Alex Vause:
You know i have a thing for soft fruits.

Black Cindy:
Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow. [everybody cheers and claps]

Nicky Nichols:
There is no white light for me. If we don't get this stuff out of here, it's gonna find its way back to me, or me to it, you know? I'm like a bloodhound for oblivion.

[Red is translating a conversation between Healy and his wife, Katya]

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
[in Russian] All he wants is for you to be happy.

Sam Healy:
I don't know why, but we've lost the feeling we had in the beginning.

[Red translates]

Katya Healy:
[in broken English] We never have real feeling at beginning, because you're not the man you say to me on Internet. You catfish.

Sam Healy:
[confused] Catfish?

[He looks to Red, but she doesn't understand either]

Katya Healy:
[in Russian] I thought he was a real psychologist. I thought we'd go to the museums, the opera. I thought he'd be funny. He seemed funny online when he could edit himself.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
[unimpressed] Mmmm... [Healy looks at her for a translation] Um... You're not a real psychologist. You don't go to the opera and you're not funny.

Katya Healy:
[in Russian] He yells at me.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
And you yell.

Katya Healy:
And drool. Every morning, the sheets are soaked like a small child has peed the bed, but from his face.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
[in English] It's... [sighs] It doesn't translate.

Sam Healy:
Look, I have not been perfect. But there's nothing wrong between us that we can't work through together.

Katya Healy:
[in English] No, it is too late. I deserve better man than you, Sam.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
[fed up] Oh, give me a fucking break. Deserve? Deserve!? You're a mail-order bride.

Katya Healy:
I'm not a mail-order bride.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
[in Russian] Whatever. You "made an arrangement," and he's holding up his end of it. And you're the type who wants the world to be perfect, but you're not willing to lift a finger to help it along. He's not the man you thought he'd be because the man you thought he'd be doesn't exist. This is what a good man looks like. [loudly, in English] So what if he drools a small pond? He takes care of you, doesn't he? He takes care of your mother, and he's handsome, and he's good. And at least he's fucking trying, which is a lot more than I can say for you!

[Big Boo is getting a makeover from Sophia and Lorna to trick a pastor into thinking she's renouncing her homosexuality]

Sophia Burset:
Okay, all finished.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Show me my big beautiful self.

Lorna Morello:
[putting the finishing touches on her makeup] Okay, almost there. Just hold on, all right?

Carrie "Big Boo Black:
All right.

Lorna Morello:
There... We... Go... Oh, I love this part. This is like that TV show where they gave those ladies the... the plastic surgery makeover, and then all their problems just went away after.

[Pennsatucky rolls her eyes in irritation]

Sophia Burset:
Okay, here we go...

[she turns the chair to the mirror. She smiles, while Lorna screams in delight. However, a haunted expression comes over Big Boo's face]

Lorna Morello:
[screaming] I'm so sorry, I can't help it. I just love makeovers, and you look so pretty.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Boo, you look fucking weird. [they look at her in annoyance] What, she does.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
[her eyes filling with tears] No, um... I look like my mother.

Tracy:
What the fuck happened to you to make you so angry?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Oh, I wish I had some sob story that would explain everything. Well, sorry to disappoint you, sugar. Ain't no dramatic origin story here. Just a big old dyke who refuses to apologize for it.

Piper Chapman:
The thermal fuse blew.

Jack Pearson:
And you can fix that by yourself, honey?

Piper Chapman:
Well, I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.

Alex Vause:
[watching Piper climb up her bunk] Need a little help there?

Piper Chapman:
Nope. I've got it, thank you. I called you my girlfriend.

Alex Vause:
What? To who?

Piper Chapman:
To my parents, and my brother, and my brother's wife.

Alex Vause:
[lets out a long exhale] That's a bold move, Chapman.

Piper Chapman:
I know. I didn't even mean to say it, but it just... It just came out. And now... Now I can't stop thinking about it.

Alex Vause:
[sarcastically] Do you wanna pass me a note and have me circle yes or no?

Piper Chapman:
[embarrassed] I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend...

Alex Vause:
Oh no?

Piper Chapman:
No, definitely not! I just thought... I thought that it was weird.

Alex Vause:
Totally weird. [pauses] You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed. Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands. So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it.

Piper Chapman:
Will you be my girlfriend?

Alex Vause:
[bursts out laughing] Yeah.

Piper Chapman:
Yes!?

Alex Vause:
Yes, you idiot!

Piper Chapman:
[to the rest of the cell] She said yes.

[cut to reveal that only Anita and Sister Jane are in the cell, looking obviously disinterested]

Anita DeMarco:
Good for you, hun.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
Mazel tov.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
I have been her daughter for 42 years. Now don't you think she could have taken some of that time to work on accepting me for who I am, rather than mourning every fucking thing that I am not?

Mr. Black:
I understand that whatever this is, is important to you, but it's a costume, that's all. The rest of us, we get up, put on a suit and a tie, we go to work. You think that's how I wanted to dress five days a week? No, of course not. But no one gets the privilege of being themselves all the time, Carrie. No one. Now, if you want to go in there and upset her, I'm not gonna stop you. But you need to decide whether your costume is worth what it's costing you.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
I have had to fight for this all my life, Dad. All my life. Strangers, girlfriends, fuck, even my own parents all asking me to be something that I am not. Do you have any idea what that feels like? Like, your whole fucking existence is being denied, like "Whoa, you'd be better off if you were invisible"? Yeah. I refuse to be invisible, Daddy. Not for you, not for Mom, not for anybody.

Dayanara:
I hear they’re setting up a call center.

Flaca:
With my sexy voice, I’ll be making mad commissions.

Gloria:
Commissions? Right. You get 10% of nothing on every nothing you nothing.

Maritza:
What if it turns out to be, like, picking up trash on the side of the road?

Flaca:
They don't pay that much for dummy work. Nah, whatever it is, it's gonna take skills and smarts.

Aleida Diaz:
Yeah, what're you gonna wow them with? Your eyeliner skills, or your smarts about how many words rhyme with bleak in emo songs? [laughs]

Flaca:
Fuck you and your stupid sad face. We didn't take your baby away, okay?

Aleida Diaz:
Yeah? You should shut up about shit you don't know about.

Flaca:
You should shut up, you know. At least I got ambition. [speaking Spanish] You little kiss ass.

Aleida Diaz:
Ambition? That what you call your ADD? Oh, look, something shiny over there!

Flaca:
Selfish bitch. You wanna work out your shit on me? Fine. Let's go. I can take it.

Gloria:
Whoa! [speaking English] You, go scrub some pans.

Flaca:
What? Gross. She started this shit!

Gloria:
Now!

Flaca:
I'm so done with this depressing-ass place.

Gloria [to Norma]:
Fine, you can keep the honey, but it's for eating only. I see you anointing anything with this, it's gonna be the last sweet thing in your life.

Flaca:
[speaking English] A test? Shit, I fucking suck at taking tests! I get all itchy and anxious. I can't think straight.

Blanca:
[speaking Spanish] That's just an excuse for being stupid.

Flaca:
I believe people are basically moral. Agree.

Blanca:
You're supposed to answer honest.

Flaca:
I do believe that.

Blanca:
[speaking Spanish] You're sitting with a bunch of criminals.

Flaca:
[speaking English] You gotta think deeper than that. People wanna be good. They really do, deep down. But they just fuck up.

Morello:
My mother always said that silence can be the loudest thing. But she never shut the fuck up. [chuckles nervously]

Piper Chapman:
It's a prison phenomenon. It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before.

Alex Vause:
No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed.

Delia Powell:
You seem upset.

Dayanara:
I'm pregnant in prison, lady. Were you really expecting for me to be all happy and glowy?

Delia Powell:
No, no. I just... I thought... I thought we would talk a little bit more.

Dayanara:
What is there to say? I don't feel anything for this baby.

Delia Powell:
It's hard to have love for something that's camping out on your bladder. I remember watching my ass turn into my Aunt Louise's. It was not a good look. But, um, I also remember having these really vivid dreams.

Dayanara:
None of this is what dreams are made of. It was just a mistake. So, if you're trying to prove something by taking that on, God bless.

... You got a paper? I'll sign it over right now. You'll get your do-over baby, and I'll have a chance to start a new life where I just gotta worry about me.

Delia Powell:
You can't sign the paper until you've had the baby.

Dayanara:
[chuckles] Oh, I get it now.

Delia Powell:
Is there somebody in here that you could talk to? You know, a professional or something?

Dayanara:
[chuckles] My counselor is an old white man who tries to connect by saying "Hola" in the hallway. [sighs] And lucky for you, my mom is all up for the deal. I talk to her sometimes, mmm, when she's not being a total bitch. Go team.

Gloria:
Oh. Look who decided to grace us with her presence. Throw an apron on, we'll talk punishment later.

Flaca:
I got the job. It's supposed to start in a few minutes. I just wanted to come let you know.

Gloria:
Come? How considerate of you... to show your front when you're turning your back on your family.

Flaca:
I earned it, Gloria. You should be proud of me.

Maria:
Because of that test? I heard some of the questions on that test. It's not even about anything.

Flaca:
They were obviously about something, and I got 'em right. Blanca took it, too, and she didn't get picked.

Gloria:
Oh. So now you're better than us? What, you're chosen? Oh, watch out, Norma, Flaca is moving in on your territory. [laughs]

Flaca:
That's right, I am better. Better than all you bitches. Maybe I got C's in high school because my personality is too complex for mainstream academics. Some people are born for greatness.

Maria:
How nice that prison could help you realize your full potential.

Flaca:
Fuck you. [speaking Spanish] Fucking nobodies.

Flaca's mother:
[speaking Spanish] Marisol, turn that down, I can't think.

Flaca:
How much thinking you gotta do with that shit? Go straight, then turn.

Joe Caputo:
I read over that test. Where did you come up with that?

Danny Pearson:
Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the Internet.

Joe Caputo:
Some kind of new assessment technique?

Danny Pearson:
Um, it was, like, a... personality quiz or something. I don't even know. We didn't even read 'em. Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly and those were the winners.

Joe Caputo:
That's your system? Random selection?

Danny Pearson:
My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system so they don't hate us for not getting the job, they're mad at themselves for not having what it takes.

Joe Caputo:
But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right? I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement?

Danny Pearson:
We'll have COs on post. We've had a lot of success with this model.

Joe Caputo:
I have to tell you that our model for not allowing violent criminals to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen hasn't been so bad either.

Danny Pearson:
You're right. No, I totally get it. You're right. I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list, and then if there are any red flags, you can send those back to us and we'll adjust accordingly. Good thinking, Caputo. Thanks a lot. I feel really lucky you're here.

[Piper has stepped out of the shower, and passes Stella, who is combing her hair, stark naked]

Stella Carlin:
Hey, boss lady.

Piper Chapman:
Hey! Um... [awkwardly trying to avert her gaze] You look comfortable.

Stella Carlin:
I like to air dry. Sensitive skin. And these towels are the fucking worst.

Piper Chapman:
Oh yeah, they're the worst.

Stella Carlin:
How does it feel being a magnate?

Piper Chapman:
No, I'm not really...

Stella Carlin:
Today'd panty smuggler, tomorrow's Fortune 500. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Piper Chapman:
You're too young to know that song!

Stella Carlin:
[confused] What song?

Piper Chapman:
Never mind.

Stella Carlin:
So, how's your first shipment doing?

Piper Chapman:
We'll know soon.

Stella Carlin:
You must be psyched.

Piper Chapman:
It's really nice how supportive you are.

Stella Carlin:
[smiles] Whatever.

[By this point, Piper has changed her mind, and decided to get a good look at Stella instead, so she awkwardly tries to prolong the conversation]

Piper Chapman:
I was thinking, and I... I think you'd actually be a really great... person to ask about this. I'm thinking the spicy chicken packets might be worth more than the regular chicken packets, because they are certainly proving to be the most popular.

Stella Carlin:
Mm... Sounds like quite a pickle.

Piper Chapman:
Mm-hmm, yes.

Stella Carlin:
I'm sure you'll figure out what you want. [She walks right up to Piper, who quickly steps to one side, out of her way] I have every confidence in you. [Heads back to shower] All right, who stole my towel?

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
Mommy, she hasn't written me back. I write her every day, tell her how much I love her. I write lists of names for the baby, compose short stories about the future of our relationship, remind her of other star-crossed lovers throughout history who have overcome great obstacles to be together, Romeo and Juliet, Lolita and the old guy, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins.

Delia Mendez-Powell:
Honey, none of those couples ended up together.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
I love her, Mommy. I love her.

Delia Mendez-Powell:
I know you do.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
I was not a rapist! [beat] With her.

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
I'm gonna get out of here. I'm gonna be the best father anybody could ever want.

Delia Mendez-Powell:
George, why don't you focus on the positive? If it's not yours, maybe we can get you out of here a lot faster -

George "Pornstache" Mendez:
That woman and the baby she's carrying are the only things that keep me alive. They're gonna change my life, Mommy. They're gonna make me into the man I always knew I could be, the man you said I could be.

Berdie Rogers:
What exactly is your real issue? See I can't quite pin down whether you're a misogynist, or a racist, or a winning combination of the two.

Sam Healy:
You foster inappropriate relationships, you walk around here like you own the place. You come in here every week with a different hairstyle, and your class is a festering incubator of deviance!

Berdie Rogers:
You're a vengeful little man, aren't you? But I'll be back. Because I am good at what I do.

Wanda Bell:
Poor Russell Crowe. The guy sings like a dead carp getting a blow job.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
[To Pennsatucky, dropping a big armful of sweets and chips onto her bed] There you go.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
What's all that for?

Big Boo:
Well, I, uh... I want you to go down on me

Pennsatucky:
Hell no, that's disgusting.

Big Boo:
Yeah, but I'm feeling horny, so I'm buying you. Look, there's some M&M's in there. So let's go. Get me off.

Pennsatucky:
That's not funny.

Big Boo:
I'm not joking. You're for sale, and I'm purchasing her services. Just, you know, check out, go to your happy place. I'll be quick.

[Pennsatucky suddenly realises what point Boo is trying to make]

Pennsatucky:
[softly] Stop that.

Big Boo:
[becoming louder and more aggressive] And maybe I'll sodomise you while I"m at it. You know, stick a hairbrush up your ass. Hold you down, pull your hair, maybe bite your neck. Wouldn't that be fun? You might like that. Why don't you try it, huh? Why don't you try that? Just let me have my fucking way with you. Hey, I could tie you up. We could maybe use your fucking T-shirt as a gag, huh?

Pennsatucky:
[loudly] Will you stop it!?

Big Boo:
I'm gonna do whatever I fucking want to you, and you're gonna lie there and you're gonna take it. Because that's the way this works, isn't it? Isn't that it!?

Pennsatucky:
[breaking down in tears] Stop that. [sobs] Stop it. [she rests her head in her hands. Referring to Charlie "Donuts" Coates, the prison guard who regularly rapes her] I wanted to stop... I wanted to stop so bad, I wanted him to stop.

Big Boo:
Good. Cause we're gonna get that motherfucker. [she takes Pennsatucky into her arms and holds her] Come on. It's okay.

Maria Ruiz:
[about Yadriel and her daughter] You know, I kept leaving these messages, calling him an asshole, saying, "Oh, my baby girl needs her mama". But the truth is that she's fine. Yadriel loves her. His mother is a good person and she's gonna be okay. I'm not freaking out because she needs me. I'm freaking out because I need her.

Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson:
And you got to stop using slavery every time you wanna justify some foolishness!

Cindy "Black Cindy" Hayes:
I'm just using it as a placeholder till I become Jewish and I can pin it on Hitler.

Sophia Burset:
Everybody acts cool most of the time, you know? "Oh, Sophia, hit me with the gossip", "What do you think about bangs, Sophia?" You start to feel like one of the girls. But then something turns and you realize you're still a freak and you'll never be one of them.

Sister Jane Ingalls:
Jesus said, "But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you".

Sophia Burset:
Nothin' about disemboweling your enemies with a hot curling iron?

Sister Jane Ingalls:
You'd think, right? Especially since he had it pretty rough there at the end. But he went quietly.

Joe Caputo:
I wouldn't have thought Ford was your type.

Scott O'Neill:
He's not my type. He's just a beautiful man. It's empirical.

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
You know, I've done some deeply questionable shit in my life, but the foreign-object-ass-rape of an unconscious man? Still not crossed off my list.

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
Boo, this is fucking creepy, and you know it, right?

Carrie "Big Boo" Black:
Yeah, of course, but... Yeah, but I thought you'd wanna do it. This is my gift to you. It'll help you to work out that rage and that anger. You know, hmm?

Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett:
I don't have rage. I'm just sad.

Mei Chang:
Next.

Alex Vause:
Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke.

Mei Chang:
Bad choice. Aspartame invented by Donald Rumsfeld in the '80s. Mind control.

Lolly Whitehill:
That's true.

Alex Vause:
Seriously? You, too?

[Alex leaves]

Lolly Whitehill:
Did you know that Monsanto gave Donald Rumsfeld $12 million for aspartame in 1985?

Mei Chang:
Yes.

Lolly Whitehill:
All right, we should talk.

Cindy "Black Cindy" Hayes:
Can I be a Jew?

Alan Tatelbaum:
You really want this? Sincerely? Not because this one's trying to blackmail me for something stupid when I was 19 or for broccoli with your dinner? What is this for you?

Cindy "Black Cindy" Hayes:
Honestly? [breaking into tears] I think I found my people. [exhales sharply] I was raised in a church where I was told to believe and pray. And if I was bad, I'd go to hell. If I was good, I'd go to heaven. And if I'd ask Jesus, he'd forgive me, and that was that. And here y'all saying ain't no hell ain't sure about heaven. And if you do something wrong, you got to figure it out yourself. And as far as God's concerned, it's your job to keep asking questions and to keep learning and to keep arguing. It's like a verb. It's like you do God. And that's a lot of work. But I think I'm in, at least as far as I can see it. I mean, maybe I'll learn more and say, "Fuck the whole thing." I mean, but I wanna learn more, and I think I gotta be in it to do that. You know, does that make sense? Shit, did I just talk myself out of it? Fuck.

Alan Tatelbaum:
Ask me again.

Piper Chapman:
My job is to handle shit in here. Your job is to handle shit out there.

Cal Chapman:
Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud of how evil prison has made you, I think you're overestimating your villain index. You're still transitioning. You know, you're not Walter White yet. You're Walter White-ink.

Natalie "Fig" Figueroa:
Pearson quit? You have the chance for a promotion, and you're going limp?

Joe Caputo:
Even if I wanted his job, and I don't, it's a lateral move.

Natalie "Fig" Figueroa:
A lateral move with more pay?

Joe Caputo:
Yes. It's a promotion. But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset. I'm gonna fight for her.

Natalie "Fig" Figueroa:
Why?

Joe Caputo:
Because I wear protection, so I haven't caught whatever form of syphilis you have that caused your soul to rot.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Young love: they have no idea what they're in for.

Sam Healy:
It doesn't always end badly.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Oh, said the man whose wife sleeps in her mother's bed to the prisoner whose brand-new divorce certificate is her most prized possession.

Sam Healy:
You gotta believe in something. Why not love?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Because "happily ever after" was invented for the storybooks, so kids reach breeding age without killing themselves.

Sam Healy:
So, love is the lie we tell ourselves so we don't go extinct? That's pretty bleak, Red, even for you.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Oh, and you caught me on a glass-half-full day.

Sam Healy:
So, you don't think there's someone out there you're meant to be with?

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Of course I do. Everybody has a soul mate. But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you. That's the way the universe works.

Sam Healy:
You're not gonna be in prison forever. You got a future to think about.

Galina "Red" Reznikov:
Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam.