Red vs. Blue, Season 6 (Reconstruction)

Private Henderson:
Yes, sir!

Aiden Price:
You can dispense with the formalities, Walter. Please feel comfortable to speak as candidly as you wish. Can you tell us what happened at your outpost, Walter?

Private Henderson:
Yes Sir-ah, yes. I had been there about six months. Everything was pretty much like normal and one day this... ship... crashed.

Aiden Price:
I see. Is this the ship to which you are referring?

[A hologram of the downed ship appears]

Private Henderson:
Yeah. Yeah, that's it.

Aiden Price:
Please, tell me what was on the ship, Walter.

Private Henderson:
I don't know. The Blues got there first. They fought us off while they cleared it out. Took the stuff back to Base. By the time we got a hold of it it just seemed like a regular old transport. Our engineer said some of the wiring had been messed with but he didn't seem, you know, worried about it or nothing like that.

Aiden Price:
I see. Thank you for that.

Private Henderson:
But whatever was on the ship, must have been what started the whole thing.

Aiden Price:
Please, Walter, define "thing".

Private Henderson:
The infection. The Blues just stopped fighting us. Some of them set up camp outside their base and trapped the rest of their team inside; blew up their comm tower for some reason. Their own comm tower... Then they blew up ours. That's why we couldn't radio for help, we couldn't figure out why they would do that. After that, nothing. No word from them at all. The CO sent a squad over... all the Blues were dead. They had killed each other.

Aiden Price:
Why do you think they did that?

Private Henderson:
I don't know. They had torn the radios out of their helmets and dismantled their computers. The CO said they were trying to build something...but I saw all the stuff, no way! They were trying to break it. And there was another body in there too. Not a Blue, somebody else. Actually, she looked like him. [Looks over to a soldier in grey armor standing in the corner of the room]

Aiden Price:
Don't worry about him for now, Walter. Please, continue.

Private Henderson:
We brought all the equipment back to base and brought it online. And that's when the infection started for us.

Aiden Price:
The soldiers became... sick?

Private Henderson:
No. They just... they were different. Off. We would catch guys getting into areas they shouldn't get into. But the weird thing was, a guy would go crazy, act up, and then we would throw him in a cell, and he would be fine. Then another guy would go nuts, disobey orders. Like trying to bring the comm tower back online even though we were told to leave it be. Maybe they knew it was coming.

Aiden Price:
They knew that was coming.

Private Henderson:
At first we thought it was help. It ransacked Blue Base, searched all the bodies... then it came after us. Seemed focused on the guys that were infected. Eventually, it just started killing everything.

Aiden Price:
Could you describe it for us, Walter?

Private Henderson:
Not really. It moved fast, when we first saw it, and after Blue Base it was... it was different.

Aiden Price:
In what way, different?

Private Henderson:
It looked... like it wasn't there. I don't know how to explain it.

Aiden Price:
That's alright. I know this has been difficult for you Walter. We're going to do everything we can to help you. [Two soldiers in grey armor enter] Please, follow these men to your new quarters. You'll be with us as long as absolutely necessary. You have my word. [Henderson follows them out of the room]

[Washington approaches the Red Base]

Washington:
Come in, Command.

Command:
Hello Washington. We have you? How was the investigation at Blue Base?

Washington:
Enlightening. Going to try the red base now, I'm hoping things there will be a little more... [A pink pop-up of Donut appears for no reason] ...normal.

Sarge:
Halt in the name of the red- [clears throat] I mean "lightish red army. This base is operating at full capacity. And if you come in here, you're gonna get in to a big uhn-uh slap-fight!"

Washington:
Heuhhh... I'm gonna have to call you back.

Sarge:
Don't come any further, ooh la la.

[As Washington approaches, a maroon pop-up of Simmons appears from behind a rock]

Sarge:
This is your last warning, stay out! I love math!

Washington:
What in the-

Sarge:
Your only hope of survival is to kiss my commander's ass!

[Washington continues on and an orange popup of Grif filled with bullet holes seems to appear from out of nowhere]

Sarge:
And this is another warning: I know the other warning was supposed to be last, but I never listen to orders, 'cause I'm too lazy and stupid! And ugly. Did I mention ugly?

Washington:
This is gonna be a waste of time, I can tell already.

Sarge:
[Pops up in front of Washington] Yeah, freeze intruder! Stop yer intrudin' right there.

Washington:
Who made these things?

Sarge:
I did.

Washington:
Wait, you're real?

Sarge:
Of course I am. You fell for a classic misdirection. I still got it. Heh heh.

Caboose:
Command? Oh no, they never have good news. Did somebody die? Was it my mom, is she dead? Or my dad, did my dad die again? Oh no.

Washington:
What is this? I don't even...

Miller:
Hehe, you see, he's yours now. Hehe, no take-backs.

Caboose:
Is it my brother? Was my brother killed? That's it, isn't it? My brother's dead!

Washington:
What- no, nothing like that!

Caboose:
Oh, good, because I don't even have a brother. H-how sad would it be to not have a brother and to lose a brother all in the same day.

Washington:
No one died!

[The blue soldier runs back]

Blue:
Jo-a-nes is dead, sir.

Washington:
OK, no one besides him.

Caboose:
Once again... nobody's fault. [Whispers] Pst...I think the new guy did it.

Washington:
Private Caboose, you were stationed at Blood Gulch, correct?

Caboose:
Yeah...that was fun.

Washington:
And our records indicate that you were infected by an aggressive artificial intelligence program at one point. The Omega AI, is that correct as well?

Caboose:
Yeah...that wasn’t as much fun.

Washington:
Ok, well I need you to come with me. I’m investigating a critical issue and you seem to be the only person with the knowledge and experience necessary to help me. [Long pause] And I just realised how ridiculous that sounded once I said it out loud.

Caboose:
Yes! Church, it's me!

[Church starts firing many shots at Caboose and all of them miss]

Caboose:
I have missed you so much! It has been so long! Did you miss me!?

Church:
Fuck! I missed him!

Caboose:
I knew you did!

Church:
Move out? Hey, at what point in this conversation did you think that we were buddies or somethin'? I'm not goin' with you.

Caboose:
Yes! You are not in our buddy club!

Church:
Shut up Caboose, and what did I tell you about that armor, when we had to pick new suits?

Caboose:
You told me to upgrade!

Church:
That's not an upgrade! This is Mark Six armor, that's Mark Five. This is an upgrade.

Caboose:
In a Top Ten list, five is better than six.

Church:
We're not a top ten list!

Washington:
How do you ever get anything done if all you ever do is argue with each other?

Church:
We don't, that's part of our charm. Quit fuckin' it up!

Washington:
Look, I know you guys are all wrapped up in your little "Red vs Blue" battles-

Caboose:
Blue vs Red battles! No one says Red vs Blue, it sounds stupid when you say it backwards.

Washington:
But this is important. Actual military operations. Not your fake simulation stuff. Something is hunting our top agents, and I need all the help I can get to stop it.

Church:
Stop it? If it's killing Freelancers, I want to start a fan club for it, build it a website.

Washington:
And now that the ship from your canyon is crashed, we think it's more powerful than ever. It gains new abilities every time it kills-

Church:
Wait wait wait, whoa- you found Tex's ship?

Washington:
We believe so.

Church:
Where?

Washington:
Come with me and I'll show you.

Church:
Ok, I'm in.

Caboose:
Yes, this will be the greatest road trip ever!

Church:
If you say anything positive, I will fucking kill all three of us right now.

Caboose:
Okay. I will be very depressed about how awesome this will be!

Church:
Who knows? Probably like, you know, make a noise, or throw a rock. That's what I would do.

[In the distance, a vehicle is blown into the sky and a siren is heard]

Church:
...Or he could do that.

Caboose:
I think he is better at distractions than you are.

Church:
Yeah.

Washington:
[Over the radio] Okay, come on out. But come quietly.

Church:
OK, let's go.

Caboose:
Um, yes, I don't want to. Uh, you see I am scared of the thing that I don't know what it is.

Church:
Oh, don't be a baby. How bad could it be- [Steps into the grav-lift and is send flying through the air] -EEEEEEE! [lands, bounces, skids, hydroplanes, and eventually smacks up against the side of a jeep behind two soldiers, making "oof" sounds the whole way] That was fucking bullshit!

Soldier 1:
Did you just say somethin'?

Soldier 2:
Whuh?

Washington:
I said quietly, what part of quiet don't you understand?

Church:
What part? How 'bout the part where I got thrown eighty feet in the fucking air, by the God damn throwing thing'!?

Caboose:
Okay! [Stands up and shoots South]

South:
Ah, son of a-

Delta:
Alarm, friendly fire!

Caboose:
Um, she got in the way when I was trying to help her.

Church:
Okay, we're good!

[Caboose throws his spike grenade into the wall, where it sticks for dramatic effect]

Washington:
That was the worst throw ever. Of all time.

Caboose:
Not my fault, someone put a wall in my way!

Caboose:
Control F U.

Washington:
Go ahead, Command.

Command:
Wash, we have a beacon.

Washington:
I'm getting it too. Do you have coordinates and an ID?

Command:
Are you sure about this? I mean this is how we can be-

Washington:
Command, you're breaking up on me, please repeat, how what can be-

Command:
Hold on, I'm not talking to you Wash. And, and you're sure? Okay. It's Agent Maine, Wash.

Washington:
What?

Command:
Please confirm last transmission Agent Washington.

Washington:
Maine? How can that be? If-

Command:
Please confirm, Recovery One.

Washington:
Yeah, it's him. It's the Meta.

Church:
What!?

Washington:
Command, give me those coordinates now.

Church:
The Meta is a Freelancer?

Burke:
Not every time.

Dellario:
Every time! Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, today!

Burke:
Today is Wednesday, Dellario!

Dellario:
Exactly! And where's Tubbs? Motor pool!

[Cut to Tubbs, who is seen sitting inside a Warthog]

Dellario:
Look at him down there. What's he doing? Nothing.

Burke:
So what, what're we doing?

Dellario:
We're on guard duty.

Burke:
He's on guard duty too.

Dellario:
Yeah, but he gets to sit still while doing it. We have to walk.

Burke:
[Scoffs] You worry too much.

Dellario:
I don't complain too much Burke. You don't complain enough. I have to complain more just to keep up the average. You know what I mean? [Burke doesn't respond] Burke? Burke!? [Looks to his right and sees the Meta standing in Burke's spot, wearing red armor] Hey, Burke... where'd you get that helmet?

[The Meta kills Dellario]

Church:
[Sarcastic] Yeah, because no one else in the military would have a standard-issue motorcycle just like that.

Caboose:
Also, the piles of dead bodies might have been a clue.

Washington:
Just keep your heads down and your eyes open. I'm going to advance on that wall, you two get Delta and move up on the other side.

Church:
Okay.

Washington:
Don't use the radio unless it's absolutely necessary.

Church:
Okay.

Washington:
And don't make a move until I do.

Church:
[Annoyed] Okay!

Washington:
And no screw-ups this time!

Church:
Angrily] OKAY! Are we gonna sit here on the beach all day, or we're gonna go get this thing!?

Washington:
We only have one chance of this before he gets back to full power. I can't take any chances that you guys are going to botch this.

Grif:
Yeah: you guys suck!

Red Soldier:
Ready, aim...

Simmons:
Killed by our own men, couldn't see this coming.

Grif:
Yeah, what?

Sarge:
What in hell are you two doing?

Simmons:
We're being executed by our own men, sir.

Sarge:
Well cut it out, I need you guys to come with me. Command has a secret mission for us.

Red Soldier:
Who the hell is this guy?

Sarge:
Ahh, what is this? Insubordination? Hi-yah! [Smashes the soldier in the face] Come on you two, let's get a move on. Where's your commanding officer?

Simmons:
He's right there. [Motions toward Grif]

Sarge:
Where? Behind Grif?

Simmons:
Sergeant Grif is our CO, sir.

Sarge:
Your Sergeant has the same name as Grif? That's a disturbing coincidence.

Simmons:
No no, listen to me. Grif is our commander, he was promoted to Sergeant when you refused to relocate with us.

Sarge:
But who's in charge?

Simmons:
Sergeant Grif!

Sarge:
Okay, see, I hear you saying words, but it's like they don't match up in a way that makes sense... Did you have a stroke?

Simmons:
Grif is a Sergeant! He's the same rank as you now!

Sarge:
That's what I'm talking about, where is he?

Simmons:
He's right there! [Motions toward Grif again]

Sarge:
...So, he's invisible?

Grif:
Dude, I don't think he's physically capable of understanding what you're telling him.

[The Red soldier gets back up]

Red Soldier:
Does this mean we get a new Sergeant now? Awesome, cause this one sucks!

[Sarge smashes the soldier in the back of the head]

Sarge:
Yah! Never talk that way about a superior!

Grif:
Did Sarge just call me superior? I heard it! Simmons is a witness.

Simmons:
I don't even want to get involved...

Sarge:
What the hell's goin on in this base?! Insubordination! Invisible Sergeants!

Grif:
I outrank you, get in the back.

Simmons:
Fuck!

Sarge:
When you kill your enemy, you wanna look straight in his eyes so he knows that you're the one who beat him to death! It also gives you a chance to deal out some really zippy one-liners. Like, "I hope you brought your wallet, 'cause the rent in Hell gets paid in advance!"

Grif:
(sighs) Oh, my god...

Sarge:
Or my personal favorite, "You just got Sarged!"

Sarge:
How 'bout a tasty lead sandwich with a side of Sarge! [He uses his shotgun to kill Grif.] Hold the life...and the mayo.

Sarge:
Dr. Sarge M.D. to the emergency room! Prescription, death. Diagnosis, SHOTGUN! [Sarge melee's Grif with his shotgun.]

Sarge:
A priest, a rabbi and Grif all walk into a bar, and I kill 'em!

[Sarge walks in and shoots Tucker.]

Sarge:
Hey, Blue, how do you like them apples? And by apples, I mean bullets; in your face! [Sarge teabags Tucker repeatedly.] How do you like them pears? Guess what I mean by pears; deez nuuuuuuts.

Sarge:
My favorite part was the part when you died! Encore! Bravo!

[Sarge has his shotgun pointed directly at the side of Church's head.]

Sarge:
Hey, does this shotgun barrel look clogged to you?

Church:
Sarge, I'm not gonna look in your shotgun.

Sarge:
(swapping weapons) How 'bout these rocket barrels?

Tucker:
What's the deal, dude? I've been here all day and I haven't even been in a single shot yet. Why did you guys call me down here?

Church:
What are you bitchin' at me for?

[Sarge suddenly walks in and kills Tucker.]

Tucker:
Ow!

Church:
Oh, come on, Sarge!

Sarge:
Oh, I'm sorry. Don't let me interrupt all your fancy dyin' talk. NOW DIE!

[Sarge proceeds to shoot and kill Church.]

Church:
Ow!

Sarge:
Hey, Grif, hold these bullets for me... [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] ...IN YOUR GUT!

Grif:
Ow! I can see my spine!

Sarge:
Here, we have a run-down soldier, but today we'll show you that with a few simple modifications, you can make an attractive corpse. [Sarge shoots and kills Grif.] It's a good thing.

[Sarge starts off by killing Tucker.]

Sarge:
Dr. Sarge says take two barrels of this shotgun and call me in the morning when you're dead! Ring ring, hello? Is it you? Yep, you're dead!

Tucker:
Hey Church, I'm still trying to figure out what to get Caboose.

Church:
Christmas is in seven hours, moron.

Tucker:
I know. If you wait until last minute, you get all the good deals.

Church:
Ah, just get everybody the same thing. That's what I did.

Tucker:
Let me guess, everyone's getting a lump of coal.

Church:
FUCK no! Do you know how much coal costs!? It's like five bucks a ton! I'm not spending that much on you losers! (short pause) You're all getting a lump of smoal.

Tucker:
What's smoal?

Church:
It's a knockoff synthetic coal. It's just as good as the real thing. Except when you burn it, it doesn't make any heat. It just makes smoke.

Tucker:
Wha-what? How does it make smoke with no heat?

Church:
How the fuck do I know? Ask the fine makers of smoal.

Simmons:
Now that I'm thinking about it, maybe it's better that Church isn't here this year.

Tucker:
Yeah, Christmas is the one day of year you should never miss Church.

Church:
Ah, forget it, douchebags! You'll all still getting lumps of smoal.

Tucker:
Ah, crap.

Sarge:
Simmons, have you seen Grif?

Simmons:
No sir, not recently.

Sarge:
Son of a -! He was gonna wash the Warthog before I went on mah trip!

Simmons:
I don't know what to tell you, Sir.

Grif:
(In a suitcase) Yes! This is the perfect plan!

Sarge:
Ah well... Did you finish packin' for me?

Simmons:
Yup. Got your suitcase right here Sir.

Grif:
D'oh!

Sarge:
Great. Then I guess I'm all set to attend the annual suitcase demolishing conference.

Grif:
The what? That doesn't even sound real!

Simmons:
Have fun Sir.

Sarge:
Where're you going Simmons?

Simmons:
To an XBox 360 launch party.

Sarge:
XBox 360? How did I miss versions two through three hundred fifty nine? I need to pay better attention.

Simmons:
Technology moves pretty fast Sir.

Sarge:
Come on, Grif- I mean suitcase. Heh heh heh.

Church:
(wearing his white "ghost" armor, next to Caboose) Hi, everybody. I'm Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs. Blu- (Donut enters) Hey, Donut! What are you doing, man? You're supposed to be wearing your old red armor so that we can be red, white, and blue. This isn't very patriotic.

Donut:
I'm being patriotic...in my own way!

Church:
Alright, let's just start alrea-

Caboose:
Hello, everyone. I am Private Church from the popular web series, Red vs.-

Church:
Caboose, that's my line.

Caboose:
You can't prove that!

Church:
As you probably know already, this weekend we celebrate July 4th, or as it's known in Mexico, Cinco de Mayo.

Caboose:
Many of you may take this oppurtunity to enjoy your weiner.

Donut:
I know I will!

Church:
But the real reason we celebrate the 4th of July isn't for the food, or the fun, or even the picnics with the nonstop binge drinking.

Donut:
What?

Church:
There's only one true reason we celebrate the 4th of July: to have a lot of explosions.

Caboose:
Yay! It's fireworks day!

Donut:
Kick-ass! I've still got 3 fingers left from last year!

Caboose:
(holding grenade) Hello, Donut. Check out this awesome sparkler! It is even more fun because we are playing with it inside!

Donut:
Hey, that's not a sparkler, that's a grenade!

Caboose:
Don't worry. We are completely safe. All of the doors are locked from the outside, so we cannot escape- oh, wait a minute (explodes)

Donut:
(grilling) Hey there, Caboose. How do you like your meat? Well done, or pink and juicy!

Caboose:
Yes, I will take that fuzzy glowing hamburger, please.

Donut:
Hey! That's not a hamburger, that's a grenade!

Caboose:
I know! I switched them when you weren't looking!...Maybe I should not have done that... (explodes)

Donut:
Hey Caboose, have you seen my grenade?

Caboose:
Yes! I put it in my pants! Wait- (explodes)

Church:
For this last bit, the part of the bottle rocket will be played by Sheila. Enjoy.

Caboose:
Hey Donut, want to see my awesome bottle rocket?

Donut:
Totally! Just remember, don't point it directly at me! Okay?

Caboose:
Okay, and I promise I won't forget whatever it is that you just said.

(Donut gets blasted by Caboose):

Caboose:
I forgoooot!

Church:
Okay, aaaand end scene. Well, I hope you've all learned a lot about fireworks, and maybe even a little bit about yourselves. (hissing of grenade)

Caboose:
Oopsie.

Donut:
Uh-oh.

Caboose:
Running time!

Church:
Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the most important safety tip. If you have small children around, or even very very stupid adults, never ever let them play with fireworks without proper supervision.... Hey, what's that hissing noise?

(Church explodes):

Church:
CABOOSE!!!

Caboose:
Simmons did it!

Simmons:
What are you talking about? I wasn't even in this video!

Donut:
Happy fireworks day everybody!

Sarge:
There's nothing wrong with the Olympics that modern science can't fix.

Church:
Right, like using aerodynamic computer modeling to develop better ski jumping techniques.

Sarge:
No, like replacing the skis with heat-seeking missles and the jumping with exploding.

Church:
Well that seems a little extreme. How would you improve curling?

Sarge:
Replace the big rocks with grenades.

Church:
Figure skating?

Sarge:
Landmines.

Church:
Downhill skiing?

Sarge:
Laser gates.

Church:
Speed skating?

Sarge:
Everyone gets a bayonet.

Church:
Snowboarding?

Sarge:
Fewer hippies. And add polar bears. In fact, every event could use more polar bears.

Church:
Ok, well, what about the luge?

Sarge:
Ahh, allow me to demonstrate. Let's suppose Griff over there is our lugey. Alright Grif, just like we rehearsed it!

Grif:
Yeah, I'm going for the gold! (gets hit by rocket) Tell Michelle Kwan I always loved her!

Sarge:
(after blowing up luge athlete Grif) I call it, "Rocket Luge". In Europe, it's called the space program.

Sarge:
I also think we should give medals out to the losers.

Church:
You want to give the symbols of Olympic victory to losers? That doesn't sound very much like you, Sarge. So what would it be? Gold, silver, bronze, and...?

Sarge:
Enriched Uranium! The losers will be forced to wear radioactive isotopes, making sure they die the excruciatingly slow and painful death they deserve! I also think if you beat a country in an event, you get to keep it. Or at least burn it down.

Church:
Yeah, that's the Olympic spirit.

Simmons:
Gas prices are so high right now that some people are having to cut back on basic necessities just to afford to drive to work.

Church:
Not me. I just quit going to work.

Sarge:
Everyone knows that gasoline comes from dinosaurs, and if we're running out of gas, the solution isn't to drive less; it's to kill more dinosaurs.

Church:
All the dinosaurs are already dead.

Sarge:
It doesn't have to be just dinosaurs, moron. Any animal turns into oil when it dies. So remember, if you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see! And bury it.

Simmons:
But that process takes millions of years.

Sarge:
I've got time.

Grif:
(In a grave marked "HERE LIES GRIF" which has been crossed out with spray paint and replaced with the word "unleaded") Let me outta here! There's worms!

Sarge:
Gentlemen, we can debate the fine points all day, but the fact remains that a gallon of gas still costs less today than a gallon of milk.

Church:
Yeah, but you don't drink three gallons of milk every time you drive to work.

Sarge:
Maybe you don't.

Simmons:
Most people have a insatiable thirst for gas I know I do.

Caboose:
Me too! I drank 2 gallons this morning.

Simmons:
Caboose! I didn't mean it literally.

Caboose:
My tummy feels a little weird.(makes a burp noise whilst flames shoot out of his mouth)

Church:
You know, that would be alot of fun at parties.

Simmons:
I'm just glad it came out of his mouth.

Sarge:
Simmons, I need a ride to the base.

Simmons:
Yes sir.(tries to turn on warthog but stalls)

Sarge:
Hey, anyone got any gas?

Church:
How 'bout a jug of milk?

Sarge:
Are you familiar with turducken?

Grif:
Yeah, that's what I do when I go to the monkey house and make them mad.

Simmons:
(Explaining a Turducken) It's a chicken in a duck in a turkey.

Church:
You know, because the holiday isn't quite gluttonous enough on its own.

Grif:
Sounds awesome, is that what we're having?

Sarge:
Nope. Although impressive, I decided they stopped short when designing the turducken.

Church:
Yeah. They seem like real underachievers there.

Sarge:
So I decided to make my own variety.

Church:
What's that, a polecat stuffed in a possum?

Sarge:
Nope, first we start with a hummingbird-

Grif:
A what?

Sarge:
Put that in a sparrow, stuff them both in a cornish hen, then put that in a chicken. Put all that in a duck, then a turkey, then in a bigger turkey.(Picture shows Michael Moore)

Grif:
Two turkeys?

Sarge:
Hey, it's Thanksgiving. Put that in a penguin, stuff that in a peacock, then an eagle, shove it all in an albatross, then an emu, next comes an ostrich, then a leopard! Put all that in a pterodactyl, and then stuff it in a Boeing 747.

Church:
(Short Pause) Cool. I get a wing.

Simmons:
I call the turbine.

Sarge:
Alright! Hunker up boys, hey Grif! What kinda meat do you like? First class, or coach?

Church:
You know if we cook this thing at three hundred and fifty degrees at ten minutes a pound, it's not gonna be done for 11 years.

Sarge:
That's why we're going to deep fry. (Oil Tanker Horn) There's the oil now!

Simmons:
What was the leopard for?

Sarge:
Presentation.

Aiden Price:
You are Private Walter Henderson, correct?

Leonard Church:
A response, from the Director of Project Freelancer. Dear Chairman. While I am obligated to assist your investigation, I ask that you not waste my time with irrelevant questions. My agency is normally unconcerned with such minute directives as troop reassignment. Except of course, in the most critical of matters.

Malcolm Hargrove:
Dear Director, due to your busy schedule, we have begun interviewing members of your staff. I'm certain you will let us know if this bothers you. However our debriefings keep coming back to a single subject at Outpost 17-B. Can you explain to us what this Meta is, and what your plans are to deal with it?

Miller:
This here is Special Agent Washington, from Blue Command. He has something fantastic he needs to talk to you about.

Leonard Church:
Dear Chairman. Rest assured we have the situation under control. While the Meta is proving to be an elusive enemy, our Recovery agent is already closing in on it. I expect this incident will reach a conclusion soon, and I will be able to return to my research. Hopefully, without further interruption.

Church:
Caboose? Caboose, is that you?

Washington:
Come on, let's move out.

Malcolm Hargrove:
Dear Director. We can all understand that the shift from autonomy to oversight can be a difficult adjustment for anyone, but especially someone of your standing. In that spirit, we have attempted to accommodate your brief explanations to our serious inquiries. None the less, I feel compelled to inform you, that even our trust has its limits.

Caboose:
What do you think he'll do for a distraction?

Leonard Church:
Dear Chairman. The Meta is nothing more than an entity seeking to increase its power, in these confusing days after the war. From my perspective, that seems to be a very common occurrence at the moment.

Church:
Hey, see that purple one? She's on our team. You should help her.

Washington:
Caboose! Toss that grenade! [Throws a frag grenade over the wall]

Caboose:
I just want everyone to know that I have no problems walking. And I take full responsibility for the grenade incident.

Malcolm Hargrove:
Dear Director. Your program was granted the use of a single artificial intelligence unit, for implantation experiments. Yet, the department records clearly show, multiple agents in the field with implants, during the same timeframes. Surely this must be a logging error, and we anticipate a corrected document soon.

Washington:
Apparently they already have a shortcut on their keyboard for reporting his team kills.

Command:
Recovery One, come in, level zero come in.

Dellario:
I just wanna know why we have wall duty for the third day straight and Tubbs pulls motor pool every time.

Leonard Church:
Dear Chairman, I understand your concern that increased activity will bring increased risks. However, our failsafes are simple but foolproof: a dead or dying agent’s beacon automatically notifies our Recovery team, and we will be on the scene immediately to secure all the military’s property.

Washington:
Look, there’s our cycle. The Meta must be here.

Malcolm Hargrove:
Dear Director. I feel you're avoiding the question. If this target was already in possession of an A.I. unit, how was he able to secure an additional unit from Agent South? Would not that verify, as we indicated earlier, that your program now runs experiments with more than one artificial intelligence? If so, where did these additional A.I. come from? And more importantly, how did your agency procure them?

Grif:
Don't you think it's ironic that you're about to shoot us because we don't have enough ammo?

Red Soldier:
Any last words?