Robot Chicken, Season 6

[Wile E. Coyote is chasing the Road Runner on rocket powered roller skates. The Coyote crashes into a fake tunnel. The Road Runner holds up a sign saying "Fake Tunnel" & the Coyote holds up a sign saying "No s**t".]

Road Runner:
Meep Meep! [runs off]

[The Coyote feeling sad holds up different signs saying "What am I doing in my life?". He tosses signs reading "I will catch him", "Its what I was meant to do", and "My life has a meaning" into a fire. The Coyote finds a box saying "Acme Suicide Kit", containing plastic bags and duct tape, to which he holds up a sign reading "$149???" The Coyote puts a plastic bag on his head, wraps the tape around his neck, & suffocates. At a church the Road Runner goes to the Coyote's funeral]

Road Runner:
[sadly] M-meep Meep.

[The Coyote reveals that he is not dead, holds up a sign saying "Fake funeral" & kills the Road Runner by shooting him with a flame thrower. As the Coyote is eating the Road Runner, he holds up a sign saying "In case you were wondering...", then turns it around, revealing, "...yes, I have an erection."]

Sagat:
We meet again, Ryu, only this time, we fight to the death!

Ryu:
Actually, no. It's to knockout, best two out of three. Remember? It was all covered in the packet.

Sagat:
Uh...sorry, what now?

Ryu:
[pulling out a packet] The packet I spent weeks putting together? You don't have your packet?

Sagat:
Oh, right, right! No, I have it. It's just...[starts searching his bag] ...it's in the bag.

[Ryu's phone rings]

Ryu:
Yeah. Well, Ken, if your opponent's late, you give him a call. There's a contact sheet in the packet.

Ken:
[not looking] Let's see...contact sheet, contact sheet-no, I don't see it. You must've forgotten to put it in.

Ryu:
Fine. I'll get it for you. [Call waiting beep] Hold on. [Switches line] What's the problem, Guile?

Guile:
I'll tell you the problem-E. Honda's venue is a bathhouse, like a full-on "we're all guys here, so let's get naked" bathhouse.

E. Honda:
What? In my culture, it's a familiar setting.

Guile:
No one told me I'd be fighting with all these sushi rolls hanging out.

Ryu:
It was all described in the pac...! [Call waiting beep] Oh, hold on a minute. [Switches line] What is it? [Blanka screams at front desk holding chihuahua] No! Don't you scream at me. It's specifically noted that your hotel doesn't allow pets. [Call waiting beep, switches line] What?!

Ken:
It's been twenty minutes. I don't think E. Honda's coming.

Ryu:
E. Honda? [Looks at packet] You're not fighting E. Honda, you're fighting a Honda.

Ken:
I'm fighting a car?

Ryu:
Yes.

Ken:
That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

Ryu:
It was in the packet! You know what? From now on, you lose your packet, you are out of the tournament!

Ken:
[sarcastically] Fine, fine, I'm punching the car. Oh, he's not hitting back. How exciting! Wow, what a great idea. [Changes tone] Hey, this is kind of fun. Shoryuken! [Gets into it] Shoryuken!

Sagat:
Tiger! Tiger! [Boom!] Oh, man! I accidentally just tiger-punched my packet, dude! That is classic Sagat. I mean, I don't know what happened there.

Ryu:
[answering phone] This better be good, M. Bison.

M. Bison:
[at top of pyramid in Q*Bert] I think I got the wrong packet.

[Punches Q*Bert]

Aunt Hilda:
What were you thinking, Sabrina?! Using your magic to turn Harvey's hair purple?!

Sabrina:
Here's a better question, Aunt Hilda: If you know magic, why are you still fat?

[Sabrina gives a thumbs up to the camera, "Sabrina The Teenage Bitch" title card appears]

Sabrina:
Season one callback, jerks! Woohoo! [slaps Salem out of Aunt Hilda's arms]

Gadget:
Go Go, Gadget! Go Go!

[A bird cage pops out of Inspector Gadget's head as he rips his clothes off with only his shoes, golden underwear, and hat on and starts dancing while pop music starts. He groans and cheers; Zooms up on his underwear a couple of times]

[A boy and girl are standing next to a Christmas tree that has no presents under it]

Boy and Girl:
[disappointed] Aww.

Boy:
Mom and dad couldn't afford our Christmas presents because the price of gas is so high.

Girl:
But I've been extra good. Swear I'm gonna [bleep] some [bleep] up next year.

Captain America:
[off-screen] Did somebody say "energy crisis"? [flies into the house]

Boy and Girl:
Not in those exact words, Captain America.

Captain America:
The high cost of energy is crippling America, kids.

Boy and Girl:
But what can we do?

Captain America:
We can lick this problem if we all do our part together. [stands next to the thermostat] Turn the dial down to 68 degrees, and we'll use less heating oil.

Girl:
We're not gonna do that. My feet get cold.

Captain America:
Uh, okay. Next tip. [next to the TV, holding the plug in his hand] Electronics still use energy even when turned off. Make sure to unplug them.

Boy:
That sounds exhausting.

Girl:
Pass.

Captain America:
Uh... [we cut to outside, next to a clothes line full of clothes] Clothes dryers are 20% of a home's energy bill. Dry your laundry outdoors, and save power.

Girl:
I'd never wait that long.

Boy:
Nobody's gonna do that.

Captain America:
Oh, fine. [Bleep] you then. [throws his shield down, which breaks a window. He then storm off, getting caught in the clothes line and breaking it.

[Back inside mom and dad are awake]

Dad:
Sorry we couldn't afford gifts this year, kids.

Girl:
That's okay. It's enough that you don't force us to live like a bunch of broke-ass hippies.

Whole Family:
Aww.

[We cut to Captain America, who is sitting in a chair with his uniform hanging on a clothes line outside]

Captain America:
[shivering] My feet are [bleep]ing freezing.

[In the middle of the Pacific Ocean, Chuck Noland is resting on the drift when Wilson the ball is accidentally set adrift on water]

Chuck Noland:
[wakes up in panic] No! Wilson! [cries]

[At nightfall, Wilson floats across the Pacific Ocean, and stops in front of the fishing boat. The doctor notices the ball, and picks it up. We cut to the cabin where the doctor examines Wilson]

Doctor:
[to Wilson] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Don't try to move. You're still very weak. Tell me, who are you? [silence] Oh. You've lost your memory. [the fishing boat bumps at the harbor, causing Wilson to roll out of the boat] Wait! Wait, my friend! We can help you!

[Wilson rolled and bounced out of the harbor, and landed on the bench at the park]

Policeman:
[to Wilson] Hey, you bum! No loitering in the park. Come on. Let's see some I.D. [silence] Stand down, or I'll use force! [kicks Wilson who bounced at the bench and hits him in the face] Ow! [in his walkie-talkie as Wilson bounced away] All units, we have a fleeing suspect who's just attacked an officer.

[Wilson bounced and lands on the car seat inside the woman's car]

Woman:
[startled] Aah! Oh! Don't hurt me! I'll take you wherever you need to go! [drives off with Wilson, only to be chased by the police] Why are the police after you? [silence] Oh, you're right. I do talk too much. I can't lose them. [switching seats with Wilson] Take the wheel!

[The car crashed through the bridge and splashed in the river, which is floating them away from the police]

Policeman:
Stop! Ah! They're getting away!

Woman:
[relieved] You did it! You're amazing! Oh, [bleep] you cops! I've never felt so alive! [making out with Wilson; cut to living room where they entered] This is my brother's place, but he's on vacation right now. [then the SWAT team crashed through windows and surround them] Save us! [throws Wilson at the SWAT team]

SWAT Team Member 1:
I got it. I got it! [hits Wilson, as if playing volleyball]

SWAT Team Member 2:
[holding Wilson, as if the ball's trying to bite him] Oh, get it off me! Get it off me!

SWAT Team Member 1:
[holding the gun] Stay back! Stay back! Stay back! [shoots the ball, but accidentally kills SWAT team member 2 and falls out of the window]

[The grenade rolls out of SWAT team member 2's hand, and was about to explode]

Woman:
[last words] Look out!

[The grenade explodes, sending Wilson out of the window; cut to Chuck and Kelly outside of her house]

Kelly Fears:
Everyone thought you were dead. I love you, but I have a family now. [getting hit by Wilson] Ow!

Chuck Noland:
[surprised] Wilson! I thought I'd lost you forever!

Kelly Fears:
[in pain] Did you just hit me in the face? I am calling the cops! Ow.

Wilson:
[suddenly talking in his deep voice] No witnesses.

Chuck Noland:
[about to strangle Kelly] No witnesses.

[Kelly gasps before going static]

[Azmuth, Gwen and Grandpa Max celebrate Ben's 14th birthday]

Azmuth:
Happy birthday, young Ben Tennyson!

Ben Tennyson:
[gets a pair of socks] What's with the crappy gifts, Azmuth? Last time I got a watch that turns me into different aliens.

Azmuth:
That was when you were Ben 10. Now that you're Ben 14, you get more grown-up gifts.

Ben Tennyson:
[gets a telescope] I saved the world like 40 times this year and this is what I get? This birthday blows.

Azmuth:
It's not over yet. [cuts to him and Ben at a window] Here's your final present.

[The woman next door removes her towel and begins to shower]

Ben Tennyson:
Whoa!

Azmuth:
That's for saving the world. Happy birthday, Ben 14!

[Ben gets excited for the gifts he received and continues to spy on the woman next door with his telescope]

[Two raptors are seen in the jungle]

Female Raptor 1:
I can't believe the Jurassic Park scientists made us all females! I'm gonna die all alone!

Female Raptor 2:
Crying won't help, there's no way to change it.

Female Raptor 1:
Wrong! Tonight, life finds a way.

[The raptors are seen behind two cars heading towards a building. They hide and proceed to snap two workers’ necks. They then act as statues when some other scientists are walking by, The raptors go into the lab and mix some chemicals. When this is all done, the Raptors leave laughing. One day later. a male raptor emerges from a truck and walks to the two females]

Female Raptor 1:
HE'S HERE! Finally I'm gonna get married, have babies and live happily ever after!

Male raptor:
You got great legs babe, what time do they open? [laughs]

Female Raptor 2:
[gasps] Asshole!

[There is a LEGO house. A LEGO car pulls into the driveway, and Bill gets out of it]

Bill:
Finally, home to my perfect suburban paradise!

[Truck horn. Camera switches view to the house beside Bill's, Earl's house, which is a towering, exotic LEGO structure decorated with satellite dishes and a large propeller attached to the roof. Earl pulls up in that house's driveway, in a car with spaceship parts]

Earl:
Hey, neighbor! Beautiful day, huh?

Bill:
Ugh! Hi, Earl. I see you still have your satellite dishes up.

Earl:
Yeppers. Of course, there's no point now that the cable's in, but they sure look slick, don't they?

Bill:
And the propeller, any idea when that will come down?

Earl:
[chuckles] Like I can just remove a load-bearing propeller.

Earl's Wife:
Earl, dinner time!

Earl:
Billy-boy, that's my cue. See you later.

[Earl enters the house. Bill has a disgruntled look on his face. Scene cuts to Bill and his wife having sex]

Bill:
Argh! Yeah, yeah, no.

Bill's Wife:
Ow, you're overthinking. Just put the knob in the hollow end.

Bill:
I know. Just, oh, forget it.

Bill's Wife:
Come on, Bill. What's got you so distracted?

Bill:
Nothing. Leave me alone.

Bill's Wife:
Fine. I don't know why I work so hard to keep up this body if you never want to touch me.

[Bill groans and looks at Earl's house. Scene cuts to Earl at his house]

Earl:
Okay, love of my life, I'm off to work. [becoming shocked] Bill! What are you doing?!

[Cuts to an insane Bill driving a bulldozer]

Bill:
Your house, Earl, it's gotta go!

[Zooms out to Bill being surrounded by LEGO police officers]

LEGO Police Chief:
Sir, I repeat: Get out of the bulldozer!

Bill:
Green brick, red brick, yellow brick, it's all coming down!

[The cops fire their guns at Bill, killing him. The bulldozer crashes into Earl's house]

LEGO Police Chief:
Calm down, everyone. It's-It's over now.

LEGO Policeman:
Uh, chief, you should take a look at this. [camera switches view to the inside of Earl's house, which is full of LEGO heads. The cops gasp] Oh my god, it's heads, people's heads!

Earl:
Uh, so, you know... [laughs nervously, and tries to make a run for it, but the cops shoot him to death]

[It is revealed that a boy named Scotty and his friend are playing with LEGO bricks and acting out the scenario the whole time]

Scotty's Friend:
That's where all the head pieces went!? I've been trying to find...Scotty, you idiot!

Scotty:
What? It looks cool.

[She-Ra and Swift Wind are flying back from battle]

She-Ra:
We did it, Swift Wind! The Horde won't bother us again anytime soon. Now let's turn back into plain old Princess Adora and her horse, Spirit. It's meatloaf night at the castle.

[They descend to land]

Swift Wind:
No, no, wait, wait! Let me land before you...

[About 5 or 6 feet above the ground, She-Ra turns them back into Princess Adora and Spirit. They fall to the ground, breaking one of Spirit's legs]

Spirit:
AHH!!! Oh, my god, bitch! I thought I told you to wait for 5 [bleep]ing seconds!

Princess Adora:
Spirit! [crying] I'm so sorry.

Spirit:
It seems like a simple rule of thumb [bleep] head! If we're in the air, I need my magic [bleep]ing wings! Now for the love of god, get me a [bleep]ing doctor.

Adora:
[crying, pulls out her sword] A doctor can't help you! [starts to kill Spirit]

Spirit:
Hold up! Wait a minute! You [bleep]ed up the landing and I get the death penalty?!?!

Adora:
A horse's broken leg will never heal! Almost 50% of a horse's bones are in its limbs. Besides which, 65% of a horses weight rests on it's front legs.

Spirit:
You've sure loaded up both barrels with a lot of high caliber euthanasia factoids, sister. Have you been planning for this?

Adora:
It's just part of being a responsible horse owner.

Castaspella:
[appears] Oh, my goodness! What's happened?

Adora:
Oh, it's terrible, Castaspella!

Spirit:
That evil Hordak made us switch bodies again. I'm really Princess Adora, and she's really Spirit.

Castaspella:
[literal minded] Well, that's easily remedied. Magical mind swap! [casts the mind swap spell]

Adora:
Wait!

[The spell puts Adora into Spirit's body and Spirit into Adora's body]

Adora:
[in Spirit's body] OW! My leg!

Spirit:
[in Adora's body] Well, you know, 65% of the bones, blah, blah, blah. [cuts off Adora's, in Spirit's body, head (the horse's head is cut off)]

Castaspella:
Oh! But I-I'm magic! I could have fixed that in two seconds.

Spirit:
[in Adora's body] Eh. Who's up for meatloaf?

[The sketch opens as Thomas the Tank Engine chugs through a meadow with a barn]

Narrator:
Thomas the Tank Engine was huffing and puffing, when suddenly...

Thomas:
[looks around] Bust my buffers! This isn't the way to the Whistling Woods.

[We snap to a shot of a bank robber driving Thomas]

Bank Robber:
No, it ain't, pal! Unless the Mayor of Sodor gives me a hundred million bucks, we're gonna drive this dynamite [pan to a pile of dynamite that is counting down to explosion] right into Knapford Station!

[Next, we cut to the Mayor of Sodor's office]

Mayor's Aid:
[enters] Uhh, we've got a problem.

Mayor:
Get me Sir Topham Hatt. [his aid leaves] And you... [Rosie appears from behind his desk] ...you come back later.

Rosie:
You know my schedule, dear. [drives away]

[We cut to Tidmouth Sheds with James and Percy next to each other with Sir Topham Hatt in Percy's cab]

Sir Topham Hatt:
Okay, people, this is what we trained for. [Percy laughs] So immature. Can we all just stay on track? [James also laughs, irritating him] Let's just get this bastard! [Percy blasts his whistle, and he and James begin to slowly puff away] Move, move, move!

[Percy or James' whistle blows and the two engines continue to chug with slowness as James appears to be missing his tender. Eight hours later, as seen on a title card, Percy catches up to Thomas, who is still being driven by the robber]

Thomas:
Hello, Percy!

Percy:
Hello, Thomas! Wonderful weather for a hijacking, isn't it?

Sir Topham Hatt:
Shut your steam hole and get closer! [jumps into Thomas' cab]

Percy:
[puffs onto a curved line away from Thomas] I love being really useful!

[A penny appears on the rail of the tracks in front of Percy, who accidentally runs over it, causing him to derail and explode into pieces]

Bank Robber:
[holding an axe] You'll never take me alive, Sir Topham Hatt! [swings it at Sir Topham Hatt, but misses and hits Thomas' controls, causing some oil to squirt out and making Thomas groan in pain]

Sir Topham Hatt:
Missed me! [the robber misses again and hits Thomas once more, causing him to blast out some steam] Your blows are harmless!

[The robber hits Thomas the third time]

Thomas:
My internal organs! [after the fourth and fifth hit] JUST FINISH ME, YOU PUSSIES!

[The robber punches Sir Topham Hatt to make him yell in pain, and accidentally pull down Thomas' throttle, causing him to go faster in alarm]

Bank Robber:
[climbing on top of Thomas and speaking to a walkie-talkie] Conductor to Skywolf: request pickup.

Harold:
[flying towards Thomas] Copy that; I'm on my way.

Thomas:
[shocked and confused] Harold the Helicopter?! You're a part of this?!

Harold:
That's right! I'm tired of taking a back seat to a bunch of steam trains; I can [bleep]ing fly!

[Thomas and Harold zoom into a tunnel, where Sir Topham Hatt is just climbing on top of of Thomas as well]

Bank Robber:
So long, Topham! [cackles and turns to Harold]

[Harold tries to catch him, but fails when he hits a wall with his tail blade, breaks down his choppers, falls to the ground, and explodes. Next, his top blade spins right between the two men, who duck as the robber screams, and Thomas makes it out of the tunnel to just barely avoid a huge explosion caused by the blade]

Thomas:
AH!!! [crashes through a sign that says: "Track Work Ahead", leaving him with a left black eye, a bloody nose, and one missing tooth] What cruel God would give a train a face?! [chugs towards an unfinished bridge]

Sir Topham Hatt:
[urging] PUMP THOSE PISTONS, YOU STEAM POWERED SON OF A BITCH!!!

[Thomas chugs even faster, and flies over the cliff, but barely makes it by clinging to a rail ending with his mouth. Meanwhile, the robber and Sir Topham Hatt hang onto the back of Thomas to keep themselves from falling, with the robber clutching one of Sir Topham Hatt's legs]

Bank Robber:
[frightened] Topham! Help me! I'll turn myself in; I swear! Just pull me up!

Sir Topham Hatt:
End of the line, [bleep]-head. [kicks the robber in the head, and he falls screaming down the cliff to his death]

[We then fade to Knapford Station, where the Mayor is giving Sir Topham Hatt his thanks while a crowd applauds]

Mayor:
[shakes Sir Topham Hatt's hand] Thank you, everyone! Knapford Station is safe!

Sir Topham Hatt:
You're quite welcome, Mayor.

Mayor:
And how did you dispose of the dynamite?

Sir Topham Hatt:
Uhhhh....

[We cut to Thomas, James, Clarabel, and Annie in a siding, which looks normal for a bit, but then the dynamite explodes in Thomas' compartment, destroying everyone. Next, the scene changes to look as if it was from an old book and scrolls downward to reveal the rest of the story, ending with "THE END"]

Narrator:
[reading the text onscreen] And with no more public transportation, everyone on Sodor bought a Hummer.

Rosie:
[pops out between the story's conclusion and "THE END"] Whew, I've got a lot of work to do! Toot Toooot!

Dora:
[walking down in an alcohol aisle at a store, reading a shopping list] Soda, cookies, horchata… [crumples up the list and tosses it aside] BARF! [turns to the viewers] Help me out. Which beer has the highest alcohol by volume? [Blue computer cursor clicks on the larger bottle] Good choice!

Backpack:
[as Dora picks up the bottle] Uh, Dora, you're not old enough to buy that.

Dora:
No sh-[bleep]-t.

Backpack:
Dora, please, no! It's wrong- [Dora stuffs another bottle inside her mouth, making her gag]

Dora:
Now let's complete this transaction! [runs out of the store]

Cashier:
Hey, stop that kid!

Dora:
I need your help again. I need everybody to shout: Where my mother-[bleep] map at?! [blue cursor clicks on her backpack] Aaaaaaaaw, yeah! [pulls Map out] Map, show me where to find my friend, Marcus. He's always holding. [winks]

Map:
I, uh… I don't know, Dora.

Dora:
[to the viewers while drunk] Hey, I need your help! [gestures her friends] Paulo or Maria? [blue crusor clicks on Maria] No argument here. [starts making out with her as a group of men take pictures of them with their phones]

Swiper:
[lifting and looking under girls' skirts, chuckling] Just call me the "virginity" Swiper.

Dora:
Swiper, no swiping. Swiper, no swiping.

Girl:
You're too late.

Swiper:
Oh, man! [jumps into the girl's arms as they trip into the maintenance room]

[Harry Potter is sitting on a bed in his bedroom, A woman is in the doorway]

Woman:
You wait right there, Harry. I'm going to change into something more comfortable.[leaves]

Harry:
[pulls out his wand] Dungus stoutus. [taps his groin region and nothing happens] Oh, come on. Uh, beefus gurthus. [taps his groin region again and nothing happens] Polius maximus. [taps his groin region and a beanstalk shoots out and up into the air] AAAAH!!

[Cut to Hermione, who is sitting in a chair reading a book. Her phone vibrates and she checks it. It is a text from H "Chosen 1" Potter, who is really Harry Potter. Harry types "Hey, Hermione...". Hermione answers "Hey, what's up? Harry types "My dick turned into a beanstalk." Hermione gets a look of exacerbation. We cut back to Harry's phone. Hermione's screen name is Hermy "@Library" G. Hermione types the answer "Stalkus minimus"]

Harry:
Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minimus. Stalkus Minumus.

[The beanstalk recedes back into Harry's groin. Harry is relieved that it is gone. The woman opens the door wearing a red lace panty and bra set. Harry stands up to face her]

Woman:
Now let me see what the famous Harry Potter's packing. [goes over to Harry, kneals down and opens his pants giggling] Why do you have a vag?

[We cut back to Hermione, smiling, picks her book up and starts reading again]

[A news room is shown where a newscaster is seen informing people about Godzilla's attacks on a map, with icons of Godzilla showing off where he attacked]

Newscaster:
[panic mode] Godzilla has left the nation in ruins!

[Cut to Godzilla destroying the Hollywood Sign]

News Reporter 1:
Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark!

[Cut to Godzilla attacking the Golden Gate Bridge and chomping onto a car]

News Reporter 2:
Oh, no! California's most treasured landmark despite what those a-holes down in Los Angeles think.

[Cut to Godzilla in Chicago, dry-humping the Sears/Willis Tower, only to destroy it in the process with the pole on top of it]

News Reporter 3:
Godzilla is pulling some hot stripper, pole action on the Sears Tower or whatever the [bleep] we call it these days, what is it? W-Willis? I'm hearing "Willis Tower".

[Godzilla is swimming away in the New York Bay]

News Reporter 4:
And after destroying Manhattan, Godzilla is finally headed back out to sea. [Godzilla looks back and knocks over the Statue of Liberty with his tail] Oh! Total dick move by Godzilla!

Newscaster:
Nowhere near water is safe!

[A group of people in congress are seen in Des Moines, Iowa]

Mayor of Des Moines:
It has never been a better time to be a landlocked state! Tourism here in Des Moines is through the roof. We're all rich!

[Everyone applauds]

Mayor of Des Moines' Aid:
[pulls out a phone and whispers into it] This is the mayor's assistant Mr. G. Your check is in the mail.

[Godzilla is seen on the phone with the Mayor of Des Moines' Aid and chuckles confidently that it was them who were responsible for his attacks. A time card appears that reads "6 DAYS LATER" and Godzilla is seen holding a paper check]

Godzilla:
[annoyed] Argh, how the hell am I suppose to cash this?!

[Luigi defeats a Koopa Troopa when Mario hits a block with his head, causing several coins to come out]

Mario:
Ah! Wait a minute! Luigi, all-a these gold coins! They're everywhere!

Luigi:
[jumps down and hits another coin block] Why are we wasting our lives in the sewers? Our new lives are starting now!

[Transition to the scene where various Mario characters are near the spa]

Bullet Bill:
[flying over Mario and Luigi] Mario, your new place is awesome! [crashes into a statue] Oh, sorry bro.

Mario:
[laughs] Hey-a, not to worry. There's-a plenty more where that came from. [begins hitting a coin block]

[Transition to another scene with Luigi and Birdo in a garage with 3 karts]

Luigi:
Me and-a Mario, we get-a used to the finer things. Now, how about you show me how to use that-a honker of yours.

Birdo:
Uh, I don't know.

[Luigi begins hitting a coin block, Birdo then walks towards Luigi's crotch, unzipping is heard]

Luigi:
Oh, ding-ding-ding! Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding! Now, I'm-a sleepy.

[Transition to another scene with Mario, Bowser, and Peach on the front door]

Bowser:
Hey. You guys used to come by on a pretty regular basis, but I haven't seen you in awhile.

Mario:
We take a-the lady. How about you order yourself a nice mail-order bride? Now scram, capiche?

[Transition to a scene with Mario and Peach in bed. The camera pans towards the left revealing Waluigi]

Waluigi:
You-a were-a war-velous.

Mario:
Oh, mama [bleeping]ing mia.

[Transition to another scene with Mario and Luigi on a thrashed kitchen]

Luigi:
Mario, the mortgage, she's-a due!

Mario:
Everybody wants a piece of the Mario. [hits a block, but it's empty]

Luigi:
Mario!

Mario:
Come on! Come on, you son of a bitch! [starts crying]

Luigi:
[consoling him] Mario. It's-a over.

[Transition to another scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Bowser watching Mario and Luigi's mansion getting demolished]

Princess Peach:
Hey, any chance you want to kidnap me and put me up in your castle?

Bowser:
No way, princess. I'm spoken for now. [referring to a female Bowser lookalike with her breasts showing next to him]

[Transition to the last scene with Mario, Luigi, Peach and Baby Mario in what appears to be a run down apartment living room]

Princess Peach:
[talking to Baby Mario] And that's why daddy and uncle Luigi are plumbers and we live here instead of a big, fancy house.

Mario:
Shut up-a your face!

Robin Hood:
I am Robin Hood! I steal from the rich and I give to the poor. [tosses the necklace towards the woman]

Woman:
This necklace is covered in jewels. I'm rich!

Robin Hood:
Oh jeez, that's true. [shoots an arrow into the woman's hand into a tree]

Woman:
AH! Me begging hand!

Robin Hood:
[steals the necklace from out the woman's hand] HAHA! Oh wait, If I steal from the rich, they become poor, and if I give to the poor, they become rich.

[Robot 1 and Robot 2 suddenly appear]

Robot 1:
PARADOX! PARADOX! PARADOX! [ its head explodes]

[At Santa's Workshop, the digital clock rings at 11:
59 PM on December 24th]

Santa Claus:
[realizing that he overslept] JUMPIN' JAHOOFAH! It's one minute 'til Christmas?!?! [gets dressed up, tips the hat rack over trying to get his Santa hat, and bursts into the Workshop where all the elves were still making toys] PACK THE TOYS! GET THY LIST! And if those fleabags aren't saddled in 6 seconds, then get your ass under the mistletoe cuz' my boot's gonna give it a [bleeping]ing soul kiss! And WHO was in charge of my wake-up call?! [an elf raises his hand, and he smacks the elf to a toy counter. Meanwhile, outside, an elf ties all the reindeer together on the sleigh, and he arrives, stunned] Pack your [bleep] and get out. [gets into the sleigh with an elf] HYAH! [takes off while the elf starts crying. His watch reads 11:59:30 and counting] Holy, LET'S DO THIS!

[Santa and the elf start dropping presents. One of them crashes through the roof of one house, another crashes through a door, another crashes through a roof, and kills a guy in bed. Santa and the elf continue throwing the presents. One of them punches a hole in the ground where a nun riding a motorcycle falls into]

Homeless Man:
Santa remembered me! [a present falls on him, and splatters his head off, killing him]

[Santa and the elf continue throwing presents until Santa throws the elf out of the sleigh]

Elf:
Oh, wait a minute!

[Santa realized what he had done, and continues this throughout the USA with explosion heard all over, and then he stops in the middle of a road]

Santa Claus:
BOO-YAH! 15 seconds to spare! I [bleep]ing rule! Santa Dance! [starts dancing like a rapper, until he realizes that there is one present left] Oh, no, you don't! You're not gonna [bleep] me! Santa's the one doing the [bleep]ing tonight! [in a Ferris Bueller reference, he runs towards the house with the present. He jumps over 2 fences running over anything in his path. But then stops to see a half-naked women, and smiles, then continues. He then stands on a garbage can lid, slides up a slide, jumps off a trampoline, and in super-slow mo, lands on his feet at the house. He tries opening the door, but it's locked] Uhhgh! Why won't this thing open?!

Mrs. Claus:
[off-screen] UHHHGH! GET OFF ME! [we see Santa, who's really having a dream all along, choking her to death, unknowingly] SANTA! AAAHHGH! UHGH! YOU'RE HAVING A DREAM!!! [then 3 elves burst in with cattle prauds and zap Santa who lets go of her before fainting] I HATE Christmas! [the elves gasp] You heard me!

Announcer:
Welcome back to the "Justin Bieber Christmas Special With Love".

[Transitions to the stage. Justin Bieber walks on as audience members cheer loudly]

Justin Bieber:
I love you all! [the guitar slides down to him while Santa Claus and Frosty the Snowman join in] This is a song I wrote about Christmas, and how it makes my heart feel. [Frosty at the drums rhythmically click the sticks, then rapidly bangs on the drums. Heavy metal music starts] [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Bleep] Christmaaaaaas! / [Santa joins in] [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep], [Bleep] / I see those presents that you brought me!

Frosty and Santa:
[Bleep] them!!

Justin Bieber:
I see that ribbon in your hair!

Frosty and Santa:
I'll choke ya with it!!

Justin Bieber:
The Christmas card up on the mantel!

Frosty and Santa:
It's a photo of my dick!!

Justin Bieber:
And all the stockings hung with care!!

Frosty and Santa:
They're filled with my [bleep]!!

[The female elves join the stage and dance in the background]

Justin Bieber:
[Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]! [Bleep]-[Bleep] Christmas!! [slams the guitar on stage. Grinds behind one of the female elves] Yeah! Oh yeah!

Executive 1:
We never had this problem with David Cassidy.

Executive 2:
Cassidy was a hack. Bieber is a [bleep]ing artist!

[Jason Bourne runs into the forest with his gun, and stops to hear the silence. And all of the sudden, Santa appears and tackles Jason. They're having a stand-off. Jason aims at Santa, who puts the candy cane in his mouth. Jason shoots Santa, but missed. Santa grabs the gun and knocks Jason down. Jason pulls out the knife, and starts attacking Santa by slicing the half of his hat. Santa charges at Jason with the pointy candy cane, but Jason gained his power, breaks Santa's arm, and stabs him in the stomach with the candy cane. He lays Santa down on the ground and backs away]

Santa Claus:
Boy, you're a hard man to find, Jason. [hands a present to Jason] Ugh, the list. Look what it makes me do. Look what it makes me do. [gags with blood and dies]

Jason Bourne:
[opens his present] Parcheesi!

[Open in on Statler and Waldorf in their box

Statler:
That movie was great. And by that, I mean great for a nap. Doh-ho-ho-ho!

Waldorf:
Yes, although I did think the main protagonist had some nuance moments, especially when the cinematographer switched to a wide-angle lens during the...

Statler:
I don't even know you anymore.

Sassette Smurf:
[The Smurfs collect and eat some smurfberries from the plants] Papa, we need to modernize! We should turn some of these smurfberries into preserves to avoid a future shortage.

Papa Smurf:
Oh, how cute. Why don't you smurf along and roll a hoop with a stick, or whatever.

Sassette Smurf:
Actually, bitch, I think it's time for a NEW Papa Smurf. [Takes out a bow and arrow]

Papa Smurf:
Smurf-what now? [Sassette shoots him in the head, and he dies. Sassette then puts on his hat]

Sassette Smurf:
Who's your Papa?! [Laughs evilly as she slices the beard off Papa Smurf's body as the other Smurfs groan in disgust. Then Sassette puts the beard on] WHO'S YOUR PAPA?!?!? [Smurfs bow down in fear]

Grouchy Smurf:
I HATE kneeling! [Sassette puts her knife on his neck growling, causing Grouchy to piss his pants] I hate pissing my pants!

[We cut to two clowns who entertains kids at a boy named Timmy's birthday party]

Happy Clown:
[honks with horn] Hey Sad Clown, why are you so sad?!

Sad Clown:
My wife died!

Happy Clown:
[walks up to the sad clown and holds his hand near his mouth] Uh, that wasn't in the script.

Sad Clown:
I know! [starts crying loudly]

[The happy clown backs away]

[We start out in the Command Center with Alpha 5 and Zordon]

Zordon:
Alpha 5, Rita Repulsa's going to strike very soon, and we haven't recruited any new Power Rangers!

Alpha 5:
I'm beaming up four young recruits. They already have color-coded costumes.

[In an instant, the Teletubbies are teleported to the Command Center]

Tinky Winky:
Ooohh...

Zordon:
Welcome, my new Power Rangers. What are your names?

Tinky Winky:
Hi. Tinky...Winky.

Dipsy:
Hi. Dipsy.

Laa-Laa:
Laa-Laa.

Zordon:
Uh, how long is this going to take? Ball park it for me.

[Po simply blinks at Zordon for a few seconds, irritating him]

Zordon:
Just tell me your name!

Po:
Poooooooooooooooo!

Zordon:
[worried] Guys, pick up the pace a little-

Tinky Winky:
Tinky...Winky.

Zordon:
Yeah, we've established your name is Tinky Winky. (being sarcastic) Ah, screw it! We gotta go! [we cut to the Teletubbies in another distant planet, and Eye Guy is shown in the distance] Okay, there's a giant monster approaching.

Laa-Laa:
Yay!

Zordon:
No, not yay.

Dipsy:
Hold hands?

Zordon:
No, not hold hands!

Tinky Winky:
Hold hands!

Po:
H-H-H-H-Haaands!

Dipsy:
[in Laa-Laa's voice] Hold hands.

Zordon:
[very frustrated] Call your Zords!

Tinky Winky:
Oh.

Laa-Laa:
Zords!

Zordon:
Yes! Now we're on the right track!

Po:
Hold hands!

Zordon:
[in defeat] No! This is impossible! [Bleep] you guys! [teleports out of sight in fury]

[Eye Guy arrives and crushes Tinky Winky, Dipsy, and Laa-Laa to death beneath his foot with a squishing sound]

Po:
[confused] Tinky...Winky?

[The camera zooms into Po's belly, where static is seen and goes into the next segment]

[The sketch opens at the dining room table with Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Daisy Duck, Goofy and Clarabelle Cow seated around it]

Minnie:
So Goofy, did your parents take it okay when you told them that you and Clarabelle are together?

Goofy:
Well of course, Minnie. Why wouldn't they?

Mickey:
Because she's a cow and you're a dog! It's-It's unnatural!

Donald:
Somebody finally said it!

Goofy:
But gawrsh, you guys, th-there isn't anyone like me out there.

Mickey:
Well, there's Pluto.

[Cut to Pluto licking his gonads in the corner]

Goofy:
I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. [leaves with Clarabelle]

[We cut to the clubhouse meeting with various Walt Disney cartoon characters in the audience]

Mickey:
I move we vote to ban mixed-species couples from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Do I have a second?

Donald:
I second!

Chip:
No! You can't legislate love!

The Prince:
Oh, really? Two confirmed bachelors who co-habitated their entire lives have liberal social ethics? Shocker!

Chip:
We're brothers!

Dale:
We're cousins!

The Prince:
Get your story straight, fellas.

Beast:
Uh, just a reminder. I'm actually human under all of this, so Belle and I are cool, right, guys? [no response] Guys?

Mickey:
All right, enough, enough. All in favor?

Everyone:
Aye!

Mickey:
The motion passes!

[The audience clamors]

Walt Disney:
[steps out from behind] Everyone, please stop fighting! I, Walt Disney, created you to spread happiness to the world, not bigotry.

Uncle Remus:
He sure did! Just look at me, Uncle Remus! You tells 'em, Massa Disney!

Walt Disney:
I guess it's back to the grave. Disney out! [makes a Nazi salute and disappears as the crowd gasps]

[Cut to Elroy and Astro returning home after a field trip, George comes floating on a chair]

George:
Hey, Elroy. How was your field trip?

Elroy:
Great, dad. We studied an abandoned ship and found a bunch of these. [holds up an alien egg]

George:
Well! A foreboding alien egg! Let's burn it until there's nothing left but ashes. Anyone who doesn't do exactly that is the lowest form of fool.

Elroy:
Aw, dad, can't I keep it?

George:
Well, for the sake of entertainment, yeah, sure.

[The egg hatches a facehugger which crawls across the room and then proceeds to hump Astro's ass]

Astro:
Reorge! Rad ralien! Rad ralien! [George! Bad Alien! Bad Alien!]

Elroy:
[walks the facehugger on a leash] Yeah, Astro, he is a pretty rad alien.

Astro:
Ro! Ranger! Ranger! [No! Danger! Danger!]

Elroy:
Ranger's a great name. Good idea, boy.

Astro:
Ro! Ro! Ro! [No! No! No!]

George:
Settle down! Go sniff another dog's butt or something.

Astro:
Rassrole. [Asshole]

[Cut to Jane, Judy, and George at the dinner table]

Jane:
Now, Judy, your father and I are worried about how little you eat, so today you're having an entire breakfast pill, young lady. [puts a breakfast pill on Judy's plate]

Elroy:
[enters the room with Ranger lying dead in his arms] Ranger slept on my face all night, and when I woke up, he was dead! It makes me so sad, I feel like my heart is gonna rip out of my-Ggggrrrhhh! [chokes and convulses in pain. Jane and Judy gasp]

George:
Wow! You really are sad!

[A chestburster bursts from Elroy's chest, killing him]

Jane:
Stop him, George! [George tries to catch the chestburster on a moving conveyor belt, but George gets stuck running in place at it, and the chestburster escapes in an air vent] Looks like we need a strong female role model to handle this problem. [strips down to a tank top and underwear]

George:
You might want to stable that high horse, Jane. I'm getting some mixed signals here. [Jane and Judy arm themselves with guns, while George presses a button on his briefcase, only to find that it only contained papers] Aw, dang it.

[The now grown creature leaves the air vent and roars at George]

Jane:
It must have had an inexplicably short growth span!

Judy:
On the bright side, it sure does move this story forward at a snappy pace.

George:
[hits the creature with a rolled-up newspaper with a hit count] Hurry up! I've only got three whacks left!

[The creature kills George and knocks out Jane with its tail]

Judy:
[approaching the creature] Tall, dark, and mysterious? Oh, what a dream-

[But the creature impales Judy through the mouth with it's inner mouth, killing her]

Rosie:
Get away from her, you bitch!

[Machine guns pops out from Rosie, and as Jane regains consciousness, the creature is shot by Rosie, causing it to bleed acid and fall down from the Jetson home]

Jane:
Phew. It's over.

Astro:
Reah. Rhew! [Yeah. Phew!] Rrraaarrrrggghh! [a chestburster bursts from hiss ass, due to Ranger humping him earlier]

Jane:
You know that's scary exactly once. [she and Rosie shoot at the chestburster, killing both the creature and Astro]

Flik:
[making a speech to the Circus Bugs] Everyone rest up! In the morning, we start the long trip home to confront Hopper and his evil gang! [hears loud music and cheering, and finds Mr. Mayfly having a party] Excuse me, Mr. Mayfly, can you keep it down? We have-We have a really big day tomorrow.

Mr. Mayfly:
Oh, really? Well, my entire lifespan is three hours, so...[BLEEP] YOUR BIG DAY!

Mrs. Mayfly:
Oh, a man at last! I've already been alive a half-hour, and I need to get pregnant right now!

Mr. Mayfly:
Oh yeah!

[We cut to Flik trying to sleep while the two mayflies make love; Flik is annoyed by their sex]

Mrs. Mayfly:
Oh, my God, this is the best sex of my whole life! [laughs about this. The next shot is of her giving birth, making Flik cover his ears in frustration] Get it out of me!

[A handful of eggs come out of her as she screams; then we slide to the middle-aged couple arguing while Flik punches himself in the head]

Mr. Mayfly:
Look, I've got at least 47 good minutes left in me, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna waste them!

Mrs. Mayfly:
You're a midlife cliche!

[Flik groans and punches himself some more; the next shot is the elderly Mrs. Mayfly crying. Flik, still waiting for everything to be over, is in fetal position]

Mr. Mayfly:
[depressed] Aw, what was the point of it all? LIVE, REPRODUCE, DIE?! IT'S A SICK JOKE! A SICK- [gags and dies, making his wife follow suit]

Flik:
[looks at the dead couple; relieved] Oh, finally.

Baby Mayfly:
[hatched from one of the eggs] Wo-hoooo! Party time, baby!

Flik:
[irritated] OHHH, [BLEEP] ME!