South Park, Season 19

PC Principal:
All right, listen up. My name is PC Principal. I don't know about you, but frankly I'm sick and tired of how minority groups are marginalized in today's society. I'm here because this place is lost in a time warp! Students who still use the word "retarded"! A teacher who said women without wombs should get an AIDS test!

Mr. Garrison:
Oh, I was a lesbian then.

PC Principal:
A chef "person of color" who the children had sing soul songs and who the children drove to kill himself!

Butters:
No, he got brainwashed by a cult.

PC Principal:
And that's two days' detention for you, young man, we'll see you at 4.

Butters:
What?!

PC Principal:
Let me ask you this. We're in Colorado, right? Where are the Hispanic kids? Huh? Where are the ethnic and racial minorities?

Mr. Mackey:
Well, we got Token. He's black.

PC Principal:
And that's two days' detention for you, Mackey, congratulations.

Mr. Mackey:
Wha— I got detention?

PC Principal:
I Googled South Park before I came here, and I cannot believe the shit you're getting away with! People claiming to be advocates of transgender rights, but really just wanting to use the women's bathroom! A white man who thinks he's Chinese and built a wall to keep out Mongolians!

Tuong Lu Kim:
Ohhhh, I hate-a Mongorians!

PC Principal:
What the fuck is this? Are you fucking kidding me? I'm telling you all, this is done! Like it or not, PC is back, and it's bigger than ever! Woowoowoo! You hear that? That's the sound of 2015 pulling you over, people! Suck it!

Gerald:
Uhm, hi, I'm Gerald, Kyle Broflovski's father?

PC Principal:
Have a seat. I've been talking with your child, and we're gonna be giving him two weeks' detention.

Gerald:
Wh-what's this about, Kyle?

PC Principal:
Your son said some things to a fourth-grade girl that frankly make me wanna puke. Now that I'm principal, I'm not gonna allow [pounds desk] anyone at this school to be made feel unsafe and harassed!

Gerald:
Wh-wh-what did he say?

PC Principal:
You'll have to excuse my language. [picks up a report and clears his throat] "I don't think Caitlyn Jenner is a hero."

[no reaction from Gerald or Kyle. PC Principal starts shaking in repressed rage]

PC Principal:
This kind of trans-phobic and bigoted hate speech isn't going to fly here, Bro! Well, I thought we were all on board that Caitlyn Jenner is an amazing, [quickly stands up] beautiful woman who had the exquisite bravery of a butterfly flying against the wind, AND THEN THIS SHIT COMES OUT OF PEOPLE'S MOUTHS!!

Gerald:
[beat] PC Principal, I-I'm sure Kyle was just referring to Bruce Jenner as a person, a-and not trying to say anything against—

PC Principal:
You got a fucking problem, bro?

Gerald:
..No...

PC Principal:
Cuz it's not Bruce fucking Jenner!! IT'S CAITLYN!! AND SHE'S A FUCKING STUNNING WOMAN!! Or maybe you're the one teaching him to demean women in the first place! HUH!? What's up? What's fucking up, bro?

Gerald:
Look, maybe we can all just ta—

PC Principal:
[flips his desk] GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE, DUDE!!!

Gerald:
Kyle's already got two weeks of detention.

Stephen:
Huh for what?

Gerald:
Just 'cause he said something about Caitlyn Jenner. [a hush falls over the table]

Stephen:
Oh, Caitlyn Jenner. She's a hero. She is stunning and brave.

Stuart:
Stunning. She is absolutely beautiful, and an inspiration.

Ryan:
Yup!

Randy:
Yup, that's right.

Cartman:
[meets PC Principal] Oh, PC Principal. How are you today?

PC Principal:
What are you doing in the faculty bathroom?

Cartman:
You know, I think you and I got off on the wrong foot the other day. By all means, please, keep your dick out. You see, I'm not going to accept four days of detention, and... you're going to apologize publicly for being so strict to me and my friends at school.

PC Principal:
What the fuck are you talking about?

Cartman:
It's just a request, that's all. See you around. Oh, you seem to have dropped something, PC Principal. [picks up a pair of underwear] What's this? Why, this is a little boy's underwear. [sniffs it] Why, this is Butters's underwear.

PC Principal:
What?!

Cartman:
PC Principal, you have Butters's underwear? And now— [sloshes underwear in the urinal] Oh my gosh, it's got your DNA all over it. This certainly doesn't look good for you. I don't need to tell anyone about this. No, I think we have an understanding. Capiche?

PC Principal:
[pause] What did you just say?

Cartman:
You mean about keeping your dick out?

PC Principal:
"Capiche"? You're associating Italian-Americans to intimidation tactics?! You better watch your microaggressions, bro!

Cartman:
O-Kay. Look, you don't want to end up like the spokesman for Subway, do you?

PC Principal:
Did you just use a term that excludes women from an occupation?! [picks Cartman up]

Cartman:
Okay, let's back up. [gets slammed against the stall] AAAHHH! [PC Principal slams him several times into the wall next to the mirror]

PC Principal:
DID YOU JUST SAY "SPOKESMAN" INSTEAD OF "SPOKESPERSON"?! WHEN WOMEN ARE JUST AS CAPABLE OF SELLING SANDWICHES AS ANYONE?![smashes Cartman into the mirror] ARE YOU PURPOSELY TRYING TO USE WORDS THAT ASSERT YOUR MALE PRIVILEGE?![smashes Cartman's head into a sink]

Cartman:
No, I'm sorry! I was just trying to frame you for raping Butters!

PC Principal:
DO YOU THINK ITALIAN-AMERICANS AND WOMEN ARE LESS IMPORTANT?! [throws Cartman on the floor]

Cartman:
Oh, God!

PC Principal:
[punches Cartman to a bloody pulp]''YOU DARE USE WORDS THAT ALIENATE TWO COMMUNITIES OF PEOPLE WHO HAVE TO DEAL WITH VERBAL BIASES LIKE YOURS ON A DAILY BASIS?!

Kyle:
ENOUGH! STOP! EVERYONE STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is so wrong! I can't let it continue! This is not ever what I intended! Thank you. I just want to say... Caitlyn Jenner is a hero. There is no other way to say it. What she did took bravery, and she is absolutely stunning.

[South Park Elementary; Mr. Garrison enters his classroom along with his students]

Mr. Garrison:
Okay children, let's take our seats. As you've probably noticed, our government has decided to let anyone who wants to cross the border and screw up our country! I know you're all as pissed off as I am, so why don't we begin today's lesson on why the once-great empire of Rome, fell to shit! Huh?! Who can tell my why Rome fell to shit?! [all the Canadian kids raise their hands] No, somebody who matters. [the Canadian students begin to clamor; Garrison puts his left hand over his nose and closes his eyes] Alright, fine, in the orange shirt.

Canadian Kid #1:
The Roman Empire, buddy, was facing ehh several issues, guy, and they reached a new millennium, friend, and rather-

Mr. Garrison:
[irritated] Oh, speak in English! You see, [turns around and begins writing on the board] what happened is that these immigrants called Goths [writes the word and circles and underlines it] were welcomed into Roman territories [writes the word Roman on the board] because some people felt bad for them. [another Canadian boy checks his watch and hops off his seat, opens a small case and pulls out a trumpet] And then the Goths suddenly decided they were being oppressed, you see, and so then- [the boy begins to play "Feels So Good" by Chuck Mangione, and Mr. Garrison turns around] What the hell are you doing? [the other Canadian kids get out of their seats and whip out their trumpets to play the song]

Canadian Kid #2:
It's 8 am, guy.

Mr. Garrison:
[loses his temper, his notes, and his chalk] Well, that's it! Why don't you Canucks go back where you came from?! [they stop and look aghast at him]

Mr. Garrison:
Where has my country gone?

Where has my country gone?

It was a land of opportunity that we held dear

But now all these other assholes are coming here.

PC Principal:
All right, everyone, listen up. In order for better understanding, we've asked students of Canadian origin to introduce you to their culture and—HEY, LESLIE, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!!!! Now where was I? Oh. yeah. We've asked students of Canadian origin To introduce you to their culture and customs. So let's give them our undivided attention as they take us on a whirlwind journey through their diverse history. [hands microphone to Canadian kids]

Canadian Kids 1:
We are the Hopewell and Abenaki, first settlers of Canadian soil, guy. [hands mic over to second group]

Canadian Kids 2:
We are French and British explorers, seeking furs and goods. [Mr. Garrison walks up and takes the mic]

Mr. Garrison:
Yeah, and I'm Dan Rather, and I got news for you! Nobody wants you here! [long beat] Sorry not sorry! It's time for someone to say it like it is, and make our country great again!

PC Principal:
Garrison, what do you think you're—?!

Mr. Garrison:
And I'm also not afraid to stand up to PC Principal Peter Charles! You, sir, have a pizza face and you suck your mom's dick!

PC Principal:
[beat] That's it, Garrison! You are fired from South Park Elementary! You can say my real name too!

Mr. Garrison:
Oh, see? And now I'm fired! That's the cold, hard truth of immigration! Well, there's only one immigration policy that I believe in, and that's buckskin them all to death!! [all students gasp] I'm just saying what everyone's thinking here, kids! Sorry not sorry!

[The school hallway, the Canadian kids walk out of school in anger]

Stan:
Dude, the Canadians are pissed off.

Token:
Can you really blame them?

Canadian President:
[dances to the song, sees Mr. Garrison come in and stops] What?? [turns off the music] Hey! How did a US citizen get past my wall?!

Mr. Garrison:
I came here to find out where my country gone!

Canadian President:
Where your country gone? Where'd my country gone?!

Mr. Garrison:
No, where MY country gone, bitch?!

Canadian President:
Nobody talks to me like that, buddy! [goes around his desk]

Mr. Garrison:
Nobody talks to me like that, friend! [they begin to fight on the carpet] Eurgh! Yeah?

Canadian President:
Stupid-! Unh!

Mr. Garrison:
Little asshole!

Canadian President:
This is why I built that wall!

Mr. Garrison:
You think you can-? Hey! Here you go! Here you go! Look, guy, I came here to do one thing!

Canadian President:
Hey, what the-? Aah! Hey, that pokes, buddy! Aah!

Aide:
Oh my God, guy.

Canadian President:
Please! Please, I can't- Oh. NO! No please, NO! NO! Ohhh! Ohhh! Nooo!

Mayor McDaniels:
I've called you all here because South Park has an image problem. Thanks to Mr. Garrison, we are now being referred to as the "sh*theads of America". One of our more politically sensitive citizens has proposed an idea for this crisis and I'd like you to hear him out. [Randy takes the dais]

Randy:
Hello everyone, I'm Randy Marsh, and I've been PC for almost two weeks now. You know, we've all been making changes to be more socially conscious, but have we really done enough? The truth is, there's something we're lacking as a community, and it's time we all faced it. What this town needs... is a Whole Foods.

[everyone immediately starts chattering in awe and uncertainty]

Randy:
It would instantly validate us as a town that cares about stuff.

Stephen:
We couldn't get a Whole Foods to open here!

Randy:
And why not?! Huh?! We all just don't believe we can get a Whole Foods! Because we don't believe in ourselves!

Father Maxi:
Where could it even go?

Randy:
Mayor?

Mayor McDaniels:
I'm announcing a plan for Sodomy—a new urban development that will turn the most rundown and dilapidated part of our town into a quaint center of artisan shops and cafés.

Randy:
Lots of cities are dong this. The area south of downtown South Park has always been the ugly eyesore of this town. But now, SoDoSoPa... is going to bring in the fresh new vibrancy that Whole Foods can't ignore!

Randy:
Okay, hold on, everyone listen up! We understand that not everyone is for the town spending money on the Sodomy project. We want everyone to be able to voice their concerns. [the McCormicks pause; Stuart stands]

Stuart:
Yeah, I got concerns! I don't want you touching my darn house!!

Johnson:
We realize that when a rejuvenation like this takes place, the lower-income residents fear they'll be priced out of the area.

Stuart:
What lower-income residents?! Me?! I work hard and provide for my family just fine!

Randy:
Stuart, come on. Your house sucks.

Stuart:
Buck you! If you people want to turn something into a vibrant arts district, then do it to Randy's house!

Randy:
My house is nice.

Whistlin' Willy:
Welcome to Whistlin' Willy's. Y'all enjoying this pizza?

Male Food Critic:
Look here, my good man, we've been waiting over 15 minutes for you to sing Happy Birthday to our son!

Female Food Critic:
Unfortunately for you, we are both restaurant critics, and so is our son!

Boy Food Critic:
(gets an angry face) One-star!

Diner Guy:
Excuse me! Emergency! [Whistlin' Willy rushes over to see what's up] Over here! Emergency! I would like a table. Inside the area with all the little plastic balls please, and make it snappy I am a food critic for Yelp.

Whistlin' Willy:
(finally seems to snap as he gets enraged) THAT DOES IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH! All you Yelp reviewers, get the hell out of here! I don't care what happens to my business, I ain't kissing yo' asses no more! [moves the male food critic from the table to the double doors on his chair and throws him against the doors] Go on! Every Yelper get the FUCK out of here!!

Dennis:
Careful now, Bill. You don't want a one-star review.

Whistlin' Willy:
(comes to him) YOU'RE NOT A FOOD CRITIC, DENNIS, YOU'RE A FUCKIN' MECHANIC! NOW, GET THE FUCK OUT!!! GO ON!! ALL YOU YELPING SONS OF BITCHES, GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!! (Yelpers begin to stream out of the Whistlin' Willy's Restaurant]

Male Food Critic:
You're gonna regret this, Whistlin' Willy. You can't treat Yelpers this way.

Whistlin' Willy:
You get the f-- GET THE FUCK OUT!!! [kicks the male food critic in the ass for emphasis as the critic goes out the door. He slams the door shut. Gerald shows up a few seconds later.]

Gerald:
Well, good for you.

Whistlin' Willy:
You too, son of a bitch!

Gerald:
WHOA! HEY! (Whistlin' Willy kicks him out too and slams the door]

Kyle:
We all... loved... Whistlin' Willy's!

Cartman:
It didn't do well with Yelpers.

Token:
You assholes destroyed the best place in town because they wouldn't kiss your asses!

PC Principal:
Alright, guys, I know there have been a lot of rumors flying around. Just wanted to check in, see if you have any questions for me.

Craig:
Why are the Asian girls drawing pictures of us being gay?

PC Principal:
What's wrong with being gay? Nothing is wrong with that.

Craig:
But we aren't! I'm not!

Tweek:
I'm not either!

PC Principal:
That is completely irrelevant, okay? What matters, and the reason I brought you in here, is that you understand affirmative consent.

Tweek:
What's that?

PC Principal:
If there is a romantic relationship here, you have to make sure your partner is comfortable with any sexual exploration.

Tweek:
Agh!

PC Principal:
Now, in a gay relationship it gets a little trickier, but you still have to follow some guidelines, alright?

Craig:
But I'm not gay!!

PC Principal:
I don't care about that, bro! Tweek, if—and I'm only saying if—at some point you wanted to touch Craig's penis, you just can't go grabbing for it. Alright? You need to say something like, "Craig, is it alright with you if I touch your penis?" Okay? Let's try it out.

Tweek:
No!

PC Principal:
You want two weeks' detention instead? This is important!

Tweek:
[beat] ..Craig, can I touch your penis?

PC Principal:
Okay, good. Now Craig, you might say, "You may touch my penis. I'm comfortable with that." [Craig stays still for a long beat] Or, of course, you could say, "No, you may not touch my penis at this time."

Craig:
No, you may not!

PC Principal:
Okay, now we're getting somewhere. Now Craig, what would you say if you wanted to take a gander at Tweek's asshole?

Mayor McDaniels:
This town is outraged, Officer Barbrady. People are tired of the police not being held accountable for their actions.

Barbrady:
Mayor, I didn't know if there was a gunman or a bomb—

Johnson:
You shot an unarmed six-year-old Latino child!

Barbrady:
..I'm sorry!

Mayor McDaniels:
You are fired.

Barbrady:
[beat] No, Mayor, please! This is all I know! I used to be the only policeman in this town, remember? Bob, I-I used to chase away the sixth graders for you!

Mayor McDaniels:
You're from another time, Barbrady, and the last thing that needs to go. Your gun and your badge. [Barbrady slowly takes his gun and badge and lays them on the table] And your sunglasses.

Barbrady:
No, please, not my sunglasses!

Johnson:
You're DONE, Barbrady. The town doesn't want you here.

Barbrady:
[then takes off his sunglasses, opens his eyes after he puts them down] Where should I go?

Johnson:
You should have thought of that before you shot a Mexican.

Mayor McDaniels:
Latino-American.

Johnson:
Latino-American. Shit!

Mayor McDaniels:
[stands up] You should go away. You don't belong anywhere in a town as progressive as this one.

Randy:
Mayor, I didn't bust my ass to gentrify this part of town to have it overrun with homeless people!

Mayor McDaniels:
Why are they all suddenly coming here? [Gerald and Sheila arrive]

Gerald:
Mayor, what are you going to do about this?! My wife and I can barely eat or shop!

Mayor McDaniels:
When a town like ours has a homeless problem, it must look at the root of what's causing it.

Stephen:
[arrives with Linda] It's ISIS!

Randy:
What?!

Stephen:
There's these troubled kids who've turned their backs on America! They've taken over Sodomy, forced all the homeless out!

Gerald:
Why would kids in our town wanna be a part of that?!

Stephen:
They're just bad kids! Rotten on the inside! Probably with shitty parents!

Mayor McDaniels:
What were you thinking?! Boys innocently playing ninja, and you pull your gun on them?!

Aide:
Davíd Rodriguez was lucky to live!

Barbrady:
Everybody told me they were terrorists!

Mayor McDaniels:
We thought they were! But if it turns out they aren't, as a policeman, you have to figure that out!

Barbrady:
But, you said you needed me to kill some kids.

Randy:
Oh, he's gonna lay this on us now. I said kill some kids, but I said it as a question, remember? I said "Kill some kids?"

Mayor McDaniels:
I'm sorry, but we just can't cover your ass on this one. There's going to be an investigation and ... you just don't have what it takes to be a policeman in today's times.

Johnson:
Do you even know what "farm to table" means?

Stephen:
[reads school paper in bed] Wow. Wow, this is so great. Have you ever read the elementary school newspaper, Linda? There's no ads, no sponsored content, no links to click on. Just news stories about what's happening. Did you know that the police in ShiTpaTown beat up homeless to clear them out? Do you know long it's been since I was able to just sit back and read the news? I got so used to getting news off the Internet. But I feel like I'm always trying to chase the news somehow. [sets paper down] It's like... I'm in a black void, trying to reach the news story. [sees himself running in a void of content] But then the next thing I know I'm reading an ad for Gieco. So I click out of that and try to read the news story but it's not a news story, it's a slideshow! And I'm looking at the "Worst Celebrity Plastic Surgery Jobs Ever". So of course I want to see the next line of plastic surgery gone wrong, so I hit the arrow, but then the arrow wasn't the arrow for the next slide, it was to take me to an ad for face cream. Haugh! I wanted to get a news story, but I'm reading about face cream and I try to click out of it, but the ad is following me, it's-it's following me all over the screen!! Nooo! So I click on the close button, but it wasn't a close button, it was another slideshow, and I just want to know what's happening in the Middle East, but instead, I'm looking at the "Top 10 Scariest Movies of All Time", and that's not the arrow for the next slide, it's another ad! Aaagh!! [comes back to reality] But this... this is just news. And I don't get lost in all the bull shoot. [sees Linda focusing on her smartphone] Linda? LINDA!!

Representative:
Hello. You're the boy responsible for the South Park Super School News?

Jimmy:
That's right.

Representative:
We would like to give you $26 million. Contracts, and the first check. We'd love to be in business with you.

Jimmy:
What is this for?

Representative:
I represent an organization called Gieco. It's an insurance company. We think Super School News would be a great way for us to reach new customers.

Jimmy:
Sorry Charlie, but I don't allow ads in my newspaper.

Representative:
We've heard all about that, so we thought you could just do some ...news stories about car insurance. Just state the facts, because the truth is, everyone can save by switching to Gieco.

Jimmy:
That's called "sponsored content." I know the difference between the news and ads. Do you think I'm stupid?

Representative:
Everyone's doing it, Jim. You're sort of the last holdout. $26 million just to write some news stories that get people thinking about their insurance coverage?

Jimmy:
Us us us, stick it up your ass!

Representative:
Hm. Well, they said you'd be tough. Do you really think you can stop ads?

Jimmy:
Yes.

Representative:
You can try to block ads, but they get smarter. The more we try to shut them out, the more clever they get. There's a war coming, kid, and I'm gonna make sure I'm on the right side of it. [gets shot in the back of his head and killed by Officer Barbrady]

Jimmy:
Officer Barbrady?

Officer Barbrady:
Come with me if you want to live! Come on! Come with me if you want to live! I'm serious!

Sharon:
Do you want to explain to me what "pussy crushing" is?

Randy:
What?

Sharon:
Your little meetings you go to at night to discuss social justice?! It's just a way to pick up on young women?!

Randy:
Sh-Sharon, most of the guys in my PC club are right out of college, alright? You know how college kids are.

Sharon:
I don't want you going over there anymore!

Randy:
I don't cheat on you, Sharon! I'm happy. Look at what's happened to our town. We have ShiTpaTown, boutique restaurants and artisan shops. We have a fucking Whole Foods, and that was all me! Diverse people are moving here, and everyone is being aware of how they talk. This is paradise, Sharon!

PC Principal:
McKinsey, you got consent forms?

McKinsey:
Oh, yeah! Right here, bro! [hands consent forms to him]

PC Principal:
Rise and shine, guys! If you scored last night, I'll need your consent forms! [the bros hand over their forms] Thank you. Thank you. Thank you—whoa! Barker, did you perform cunnilingus? There's a different release form, bro.

Barker:
Yeah, uh, s-sorry, it's right here.

PC Principal:
Nice.

PC Bro:
[runs to PC Principal Peter Charles] Bro!! Aw, dude, bro!! Peter Charles!

PC Principal:
What, bro? Bro! Robert! You're here! Aw! It's so good to see you. Tell me what happened.

PC Bro:
Dude, I scored with this female and after consenting to putting her mouth on my penis, she wanted me to walk her home.

PC Principal:
Yeah?

PC Bro:
And when I got to her house she had me meet her father who is Filipino, so I asked him if he could tell me about their cultural and social dynamic to being a Filipino-American.

PC Principal:
Naturally.

PC Bro:
So he said some stuff, and then the newspaper landed on his doorstep, 'cause I guess her dad subscribes to the school newspaper, and he picked it up and I saw the headline said this! [he shows the paper to PC Principal Peter Charles which headline reads "'PC' STANDS FOR PUSSY CRUSHING"; he grabs paper]

PC Principal:
What the heck is this, bro?

PC Bro:
Peter Charles Bro, that little kid wrote that our tolerant views and fight for social justice is just a way for us to crush puss!

PC Principal:
THAT'S NOT TRUE!!

PC Bro:
I KNOW, Peter Charles BRO!!! WE'RE BEING TOTALLY VICTIMIZED!!!

PC Principal:
I KNOW THAT LITTLE SUCKER, DUDE!!!

Randy:
[as Mr. Garrison splashes water on him] Hey, fuck you.

Mr. Garrison:
Wake up, dickhead.

Randy:
Garrison? What the hell is wrong with you?

Mr. Garrison:
I'll tell you what's wrong with me. There's enemies to humanity out there wantin' to put an end to all of us, and there's assholes like you helpin' them out!

Randy:
I don't know what you're talking about.

Principal Victoria:
Whose idea was it to revitalize the shitty part of town into an arts-and-foods district called Shi Tpa Town?

Randy:
All right, it was kind of my idea.

Mr. Garrison:
Son of a bitch.

Randy:
What? To take one area of town that was crappy and gentrify it for the local people to enjoy? I thought we could keep it contained!

Principal Victoria:
It doesn't contain. What's happened to South Park is happening everywhere. [takes out an album book] Thirty miles south of here in the town of Fairplay, they've changed the area north of downtown into NODOFOPA. A run-down area south of the capital in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is now historic SOCACHEYWO. Channel Street in mid-Chicago is being revitalized into Chimichanga.

Randy:
Oh my God.

Principal Victoria:
LODO, SOBRO, RIVMO… All happening at the same time. And it isn't just in the U.S. In Cairo, the area northwest of the third pyramid is NoWe3Pi. Three miles north of Auschwitz is NoMoAuchie. It goes on and on!

Randy:
What does it mean?

Mr. Garrison:
In our town it all started when PC Principal arrived. He's part of a much larger conspiracy, and you're his lackey.

[Lunchtime in the school cafeteria]

Stan:
Think about it, you guys. From the moment that PC Principal took over Kyle has been different. Haven't you noticed?

Butters:
Yeah.

Stan:
He's distracting us, either because he's too afraid or because he- [Kyle arrives with his lunch and sits next to him; Butters is stunned that Kyle showed up]

Kyle:
Well what are you guys talking about?

Butters:
Nothin'.

Cartman:
Stan's calling you a traitor.

Kyle:
What?!

Stan:
Kyle, I think it's pretty obvious you don't want us investigating PC Principal.

Kyle:
And why do you think that, Stan?!

Stan:
I don't know.

Kyle:
Because if anyone has a reason for us not mess with PC Principal, it's you! Let's not forget that Stan's dad is PC Principal's little bitch!

Butters:
Wuh huh, that's a good point.

Cartman:
I am loving this right now.

Stan:
My dad's stupid, not a bitch! This is about you being scared, Kyle!

Kyle:
It is you, isn't it?! That's why you're trying to shift the blame on me. That's very Cartman of you, Stan!

Cartman:
Hohh that's low. [smiles]

Stan:
Don't you dare call me a Cartman!

Kyle:
N-ho, that's good! Just keep on distracting everybody! It seems to be working, Cartman!

Stan:
[talking in Cartman's voice] FUCK YOU, KYLE! [delivers a left hook and Kyle falls off the lunch bench]

Cartman:
Fight!

[Cartman's house, night]

Liane:
Eric Cartman, I told you to get ready for bed!

Cartman:
Yeah, I just wanna finish this movie.

Liane:
No, Eric! This is a school night!

Cartman:
Mom, I'm into this movie. I'm not going to bed right now. Chillax.

Liane:
You most certainly are! Right now, mister!

Cartman:
I will go to bed [stands up and aims his gun at her] when this movie is over, Mom!

Liane:
Eric, where did you get that?

Cartman:
Turn off the light and go back to bed. I'm staying up.

Liane:
Eric, you march right up to your room, and you-

Cartman:
I don't think so, Mom.

Liane:
Eric, you get your butt to bed!

Cartman:
No means no, Bill Cosby!

Liane:
[draws her gun on him] I told you to go upstairs right now!

Cartman:
Whoa, Mom, what the hell?

Liane:
I'm not going to tell you again, Eric! It is time for night-night!

Cartman:
Mom, put down the gun.

Liane:
[advances on him] I am your mother, and you will do what I tell you!

Cartman:
Okay, I am going. [walks around her, keeping his gun trained on her]

Liane:
Well then, you go right now, Mister! [keeps her gun trained on him]

Cartman:
I'm going to bed now, Mom. Chillax. [begins to go up the stairs backward]

Liane:
Alright then. No comic books, just straight to sleep! I love you, sweetie.

Cartman:
Okay, I love you too, Mom. Night-night. [the sound of a door closing is heard]

Liane:
[caresses her pistol] Wow, he... he listened. [puts it into her robe pocket and walks towards the kitchen]

[Marsh house; Randy has his gun drawn]

Randy:
I'm warning you. You're on the wrong side of this. We're just trying to get answers.

Sharon:
[drawing her gun on him] You pulled a gun on our son, Randy!

Randy:
He pulled one on me first, Sharon!

Stan:
Because you wouldn't talk to me, Dad!

Randy:
Stanley, let your mother and I deal with this!

Sharon:
I told you to leave him alone!

Shelley:
God, I hate this family! [pulls out her gun at Sharon] Why are you always taking Stan's side?!

Randy:
Whoa! Whoa, Shelley! Put down the gun, Shelley!

Shelley:
You're always acting like Stan can't do anything wrong!

Stan:
She doesn't always take my side!

Shelley:
You shut up or I'll swear to God I'll use this.

Randy:
Shelley, put it down, now.

Shelley:
You don't even try to know me, Dad!

Randy:
I want to, Shelley! I just sometimes like you hate me!

Sharon:
I feel like you hate me, Randy!

Randy:
I don't hate you, I LOVE you! I need to be a better husband, a better father!

Stan:
We all need to be better to each other!

Shelley:
Okay, maybe I need to stop being so angry!

Randy:
..I love you guys.

Stan:
We love you too, Dad. We just wanna know what's going on with you.

Randy:
All right. I'll tell you everything. [holds his gun] Wow, these things are amazing.

Randy:
Shelley, you take care of Grandpa!

Shelley:
Okay! [cocks her gun aims it at Grandpa Marvin]

Randy:
No, no, no, don't shoot Grandpa! Just literally take care of him.

Jimmy:
"Tragedy at gunshow?" What happened at the gun show?

Nathan:
Not what happened, what's going to happen. The final sweeping underneath the rug. By this time tomorrow nobody will be asking questions ever again. The ads will have won. And I will be... The man.

Classi:
I think the ads are playin' yo' ass.

Nathan:
[slaps her across the face] Shut up Classiii!

Classi:
Oh heeelllllll no!

Nathan:
What?

Classi:
Oh hell no! Yo' Down's Syndrome ass just slapped me! I'mo break your dick off! [picks him up and slams him into the glass wall that doubles as a window]

Nathan:
Hang on, Classi, I'm sorry.

Classi:
[punches him] I will bust yo' fuckin' ass! [punches him again] I will bust yo' f**kin' nose! I ain't no Mimsy, asshole! [punches him repeatedly] I'm a clasy bitch! And I do not, want ads, controllin' my news! [she lets a thoroughly beaten Nathan slide to the floor]

Jimmy:
Classi, thank you!

Classi:
You need my help? You got it!

Jimmy:
I need your phone to call Officer Barbrady. And we have to get to that gun show, fast!

Classi:
Quick! To the Classi mobile!

Randy:
Nobody move! [enters the arena with Garrison, Victoria, Caitlyn, Sharon, and Stan]

Mr. Garrison:
Everyone just stay where you are!

Announcer:
And it looks like the gun show is under attack, David. [everyone in attendance gets their guns and arms them]

David:
Yes, six armed gunmen have entered the arena, one of which is carrying an absolutely gorgeous little Pekingese Glock 17.

Randy:
Listen to me, everyone! There are beings who are purposely gentrifying the Earth so that humans can no longer afford it! We've been looking for Kyle Broflovski! Somebody's hiding him! [the spectators begin pointing guns at each other]

Kyle:
[enters the arena at the far end with Leslie] Don't listen to them! The real conspiracy here are the PC extremists who have no problem killing whoever doesn't think like they do! [faces to Stan] You son of a bitch Stan! How could you have sided with the enemy?!

Stan:
Fuck you, Kyle! You're the enemy!

Jimmy:
[enters the arena at the near end with Classi and Barbrady] You've both got it wrong.

Kyle:
Jimmy?

Mr. Garrison:
Officer Barbrady?

Randy:
Classi?

Sharon:
[aims her gun at randy] Randy??

Jimmy:
Kyle, I know you probably thought Leslie was a kind, caring girl. But the truth is she's just an ad.

Randy:
An ad?

Officer Barbrady:
They've become sentient, They've taken human form. You can't tell what's human and what's an ad anymore.

Mr. Garrison:
Oh, Jeez, are you serious? How am I supposed to f**k an ad to death?

Randy:
Wogh,. flippin' ads! They're such a pain in the ass!

Kyle:
You told me Jimmy was dead.

Stan:
So now we know who got Principal Victoria fired.

Mr. Mackey:
[looks around, then jumps out of his seat] Nobody move! Okay? Everyone just stay where you are!

Randy:
Mackey?

Mr. Mackey:
Yes, I wanted Principal Victoria fired! But I didn't want any of this!

Principal Victoria:
You got me fired?! Why?!

Mr. Mackey:
Eighteen years of answerin' to you! EIGHTEEN YEARS! Of you always… tellin' me what to do!

Principal Victoria:
If you had problems with me, why didn't you just talk to me?!

Mr. Mackey:
You never listen! Nobody listens to me! They just expect me to listen to them!

Gerald:
Maybe we should have realized that sometimes the counselor needs counseling.

Mr. Mackey:
I don't know, maybe I got manipulated by these ads too somehow but, I should have been a better person!

Randy:
We all could be better people! All of us! We all played a part!

Stephen:
Maybe from now on people in this town need to communicate more! Care about each other!

Mr. Garrison:
If we're gonna defeat our enemies, that's what it's gonna take! All of us, together! :[With all the speeches done, they lower their weapons]

Randy:
If only we'd had these before, huh?

Leslie:
[isolated] Every time you block us, we get smarter. Every time you try to stop us, we are more. If one plan fails, we will plan another. You will never be rid of ads.

PC Principal:
HEY, LESLIE! [Leslie looks to her left, terrified] Your species took PC and twisted it for evil purposes. [starts running towards her and drops the mic] THAT PISSES ME OFF! [he reaches her and delivers a right hook, then a left one, then does this again; He picks her up like a rag doll and holds her by the neck] You're expelled. [he delivers a final blow that goes clear through her head, but instead of blood, a day-glow blue liquid oozes out of it]

Cartman:
Yes, dude!

PC Principal:
Alright everyone, listen up. I don't know about you, but I for one am sick and tired of all the hate speech and microaggressions against our species. We have a new enemy out there. An almost invisible foe that is so bigoted, so racially biased they actually think we should all die. They are trying to attract our youth using tactics that are underhanded and unfair. But no matter how hard they hit us, we cannot let them take from us our PC. And so I have been asked to stay on as your principal. A lot of changes will happen in the coming months. The bottom line is that the only thing that distinguishes those who want to kill us from those who don't is that we have the burning desire for social justice. We are at war, but the only way to win this war is to be as understanding, non-biased, and politically correct as possible.

Stan:
[to his friends] This is going to be really hard.