South Park, Season 3

Cartman:
What if you don't have any rhythm?

Miss Stevens:
Excuse me?

Cartman:
Well, like my friend Kyle. He's Jewish, so he doesn't have any rhythm.

Kyle:
SHUT UP, FAT ASS!

Stan:
Choirs suck!

Mr. Garrison:
Whoa. KYLE BROFLOVSKI, YOU WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE! ERIC CARTMAN, YOU BE NICE TO PEOPLE! STAN MARSH, YOU MIND YOUR MANNERS! KENNY MCCORMICK, YOU PAY ATTENTION! [deep sigh] Go ahead.

Miss Stevens:
Well, uh.. that's all, really. So if anyone is interested in seeing the rain forest and joining our choir, I'll leave information packets up front.

Cartman:
Oh, that's good. We need some more toilet paper. [Stan and Kyle laugh]

Mr. Garrison:
ALRIGHT, THAT DOES IT!

Mr. Mackey:
I am tired of seeing you in my office, young man! You get sent here every day, Craig!

Craig:
I know.

Mr. Mackey:
Why can't you behave?

Craig:
..I don't know.

Mr. Mackey:
What do you have to say for yourself? [beat] Well, I tell you what, young man. Uh, you're going to be held back a grade if you don't luh— [Craig flips off] Did you just flip me off?

Craig:
[lowering his middle finger] No.

Mr. Mackey:
Yes you did, you just flipped me the bird! Now see, this is exactly what I'm talking about! If you don't shape up, m'kay, and get your head straight— [Craig flips off again] There! You just flipped me off again!

Craig:
No, I didn't.

Mr. Mackey:
Yes, you did! And until you stop flipping people off, you can just go back to the waiting room! M'kay? Next! [as Craig leaves, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Cartman enter] Well, well, well, if it isn't Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Eric.

Kyle:
Hey, Craig.

Cartman:
Hey, don't flip me off, you son of a bitch!

Stan:
Ah! A snake!

Kyle:
No, dude, that's a branch.

Stan:
Oh. Ah! It's a snake!

Kyle:
No, dude, that's the same branch again.

Stan:
Ahhhhhh!

Miss Stevens:
Stan, what is it?

Stan:
Snake! [points to a snake, everyone gasps]

Pablo:
Oh yes, this is what we call a coral snake. Notice the red markings. Quite an amazing creature.

[Stan screams and runs away]

Pablo:
What's the matter, little boy?

Cartman:
He's a little wuss, what's it look like?

Stan:
I'm just scared of snakes.

Pablo:
Now, now, you must remember. This snake is more afraid of us than we are of it.

[snake chokes Pablo to death]

Miss Stevens:
Oh, my God!

[snake starts to eat Pablo]

Cartman:
Yeah, that snake is pretty scared of us, alright.

[snake continues to eat Pablo]

Miss Stevens:
Jesus Christ! Is he dead?

[snake excretes remains of Pablo]

Stan:
Dude!

Kyle:
My guess would be yes.

Miss Stevens:
Oh, no! God, no! Now, don't panic, children...

Cartman:
[hitting coral snake with a stick] Bad! That's a bad snake! [runs away as the snake starts chasing him]

Kelly:
[to Kenny] Lenny, can I tell you something?

Kenny:
Uh-huh?

Kelly:
I think I like you.

Kenny:
Really?

Kelly:
Yes, I think we communicate really well.

Kenny:
Wow, that's great!

Kelly:
No, that's not great.

Kenny:
That's not great?

Kelly:
Yes, I live on the opposite side of the country, and when this choir tour ends, we'll never see each other again, and I'm only going to get my heart broken! I just can't get feelings for you! I just can't, Lenny!

Kenny:
[frustrated] Awwwww!

Cartman:
Mister! You got to help me, I'm starving to death!

Worker:
What are you doing out here, little boy?

Cartman:
I was with my class, and we got all lost in the rain forest and I need some food; I'm fading fast...!

Worker:
Lost in the rain forest? Oh my Lord! Where are all the others?

Cartman:
Food! I have to have food! [collapses]

Worker:
Oh my God! Get this child some food quick!

Cartman:
[lifts his head up] Chicken wings.

Worker:
Chicken wings!

Cartman:
[lifts his head again] Medium spicy.

Kelly:
[crying] Oh, stop! I want to go home! I hate the rain forest!

Kenny:
[stops and hugs her] Come on, it'll be all right.

Kelly:
Oh, Lenny, hold me. Oh no, I can't get attached to you. Oh, but I do like you. But I'm only going to get my heart broken.

Kenny:
[frustrated] Aw, FUCK YOU!

Kelly:
Lenny, if we make it out of this, I wanna be your girlfriend, even if we live on either side of the country, I don't care. [moves over to cuddle Kenny. Kelly attempts pick her nose, which proves difficult because she is tied up]

Kelly:
Okay, Lenny, in order to keep up our long-distance relationship, we have to call each other every other day.

Kenny:
Okay. [lightning bolt strikes him]

Kelly:
Lenny! No!

Stan:
Oh my God, they killed Kenny!

Kyle:
You bastards!

Kelly:
What? Who killed him?

Stan:
Uh, they did.

Kelly:
Who's "they"?

Stan:
You know, they.

Kyle:
They're, they're bastards.

Kelly:
Well, don't just stand there, help him.

Kyle:
Help him?

Kelly:
Argh! [pounds on Kenny's stomach] Breathe! [gives him CPR] Breathe! [pounds on his stomach some more] Breathe, you son of a bitch! [Kenny coughs]

Kyle:
[shocked] Whoa, dude!

Stan:
Ms. Stevens, you have a bug on your back.

Miss Stevens:
Oh, could you swat it off? [turns around to reveal giant fly on her back]

Stan:
No...

Miss Stevens:
Alright, that does it! God damn, stupid ass rain forest! This place fucking sucks! I was wrong! Fuck the rain forest! I fucking hate it, I fucking hate it!

Cartman:
(whacking a squirrel monkey with a stick) Bad monkey! Bad!

Miss Stevens:
Eric, what the heck are you doing?!

Cartman:
I'm asserting myself through tough love, just like my Mr. Kitty. When he's bad, I say "that's a bad Mr. Kitty", and I smack him on the head.

Cartman (whacking a three toed sloth with a stick) Bad! That's a bad three toed sloth!

Miss Stevens:
Eric, for God's sake, knock it off!

Cartman:
(throws the stick at the sloth) Respect my authoritah!

Kyle:
I just want a nurection so I can give it to my mom.

Pedestrian:
What?

Kenny:
(muffled speech)

Cartman:
Oh, where are you gonna go, Kenny? You going to see your little girlfriend again?

Kenny [muffled]:
Yeah, dude. She saved me.

Cartman:
Dude, you spend way too much time with that girl if you know...--

[Kenny's body spontaneously ignites and quickly turns to ashes, surprising Cartman, Stan, and Kyle]

Stan:
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle:
You bastards!

Cartman:
What the hell happened to him?

Stan:
He just...ignited.

Stan:
That's the fifth store we've been kicked out of. Why is it so hard to get an erection?

Kyle:
So Jesus died and then three days later he had an erection.

Cartman:
[on the cross] You guys are in big trouble, now get me down from nyah!

Stan:
What are you doing, Dad?

Randy:
Stanley, I think it's best you live with Kyle from now on. His dad is better than me.

Stan:
No, he's not. He can't even get an erection!

Randy:
He he he! Really?

Mayor:
Marsh, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Find the cause of spontaneous combustion or else!

Randy:
Or else what?

Mayor:
Exactly!

Priest Maxi:
Now, let us pray. Lord, though we have lost Neil Smith to free agency and Steve Atwater to the Jets, still, we hope our beloved Broncos can bring home another Super Bowl championship, and once again bathe in the glory of your light. Amen.

Priest Maxi:
Good. Boys, how would you like to perform the Stations of the Cross this Friday night?

Stan:
The what?

Priest Maxi:
It's like a skit, where you re-enact the death and glorious resurrection of Jesus Christ.

Kyle:
Hey, res-erection! That's what my dad needs!

Stan:
Well, we're going to go work on getting Kyle's dad an erection. [the boys go up the stairs]

Randy:
[resumes] Yes, yes, of course. I've got work to do. [the door closes] What?

Cartman:
I'm going to be Jesus!

Kyle:
You're too fat to be Jesus!

Cartman:
Oh, like you're going to do it, Jew?!

Kyle:
Stan should be Jesus.

Cartman:
Either I'm Jesus or else screw you guys, I'm going home!

Kyle:
You're such a fat baby!

Cartman:
Well, I guess you guys can do the Stations of the Cross by yourselves.

Kyle:
All right, all right, you can be Jesus, you tubby cry-baby!

Cartman:
Stick and stones may break my bones, but I'm Jesus and you aren't.

[Randy's dream]

[The Most Popular Man In South Park. Hands move him over the crowd]

Crowd:
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

Man:
We love you, Randy.

Woman:
Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Chef:
I got something to tell you.

Cartman:
What?

Chef:
You're not gonna like it.

Cartman:
What?

Chef:
It's really going to piss you off.

Cartman:
What?

Chef:
Okay. This is a dream. You still on that cross!

Cartman:
[wakes up] Goddammit!

Priest Maxi:
Blessed be the name of Jesus!

Crowd:
It's a great name, isn't it?

Cartman:
[to Stan and Kyle] When I get down from here, I'm going to kick you both right in the nuts!

[after Randy tells the crowd how to save themselves]

Crowd:
Randy! Randy! Randy! Randy!

Man:
We love you, Randy.

Old Woman:
[in a wheelchair] Make love to me, Randy. Please!

Cartman:
Officer Barbrady!

[Officer Barbrady looks at Cartman, who is crucified]

Officer Barbrady:
Ooh, a T... T..is for turtle. [walks away]

Mr. Derp:
Ain't I a great character? My antics go right to the funny bone!

Mr. Garrison:
And never let poontang come between you and your friend!

Chef:
Damn right, Garrison!

Stan:
Excuse me, we're looking for Chef.

Woman at front desk:
Chef?

Kyle:
He's a big guy with a beard.

Stan:
And a chef's hat.

Kenny:
And a real huge dick.

Woman at front desk:
Oh, the black guy.

Stan:
huh?

Chef's Father:
Well, aren't you crackers just cute as the dickens?

Stan:
You're Chef's parents?

Chef's Mother:
Yes, all his life.

Kyle:
[in a hurry] We have to talk to him!

Chef's Father:
Well, he should be out now directly.

Chef's Mother:
He's so excited about the wedding now.

Chef's Father:
Say, would you crackers like to hear about the time we saw the Loch Ness Monster?

Stan:
No, that's okay.

Chef's Father:
Ooh, it must have been about seven, eight years ago. Me and the little lady was out on this boat, you see, all alone at night, when all of the sudden this huge creature, this giant crustacean from the Paleolithic Era, comes out of the water.

Chef's Mother:
We were so scared, Lord have mercy, I jumped up in the boat, and I said, "Thomas, what on Earth is that creature?"

Chef's Father:
It stood above us looking down with these big red eyes...

Chef's Mother:
Oh, it was so scary!

Chef's Father:
...and I yelled, I said, "What do you want from us, monster?" And the monster bent down, and said, "I need about tree-fitty."

[long pause]

Kyle:
What's tree-fitty?

Chef's Father:
Three dollars and fifty cents.

Chef's Mother:
Tree-fitty.

Stan:
He wanted money?

Chef's Father:
That's right. I said, "I ain't giving you no tree-fitty, you goddamn Loch Ness Monster! Get your own goddamn money!"

Chef's Mother:
I gave him a dollar.

Chef's Father:
She gave him a dollar.

Chef's Mother:
I thought he'd go away if I gave him a dollar.

Chef's Father:
Well, of course he's not gonna go away, Mary! You give him a dollar, he's gonna assume you've got more!

Priest Maxi:
Do you, Chef, take this woman as your lawful-wedded wife, to have and to-

Chef:
I do!

Chef's Mother:
Aah, my baby's getting married!

Priest Maxi:
And do you, Veronica, take Chef to be your daddy?

Mr. Adler:
Don't screw around in Shop Class!

[After writing a suicide note, Mr. Adler lies on a conveyor belt and it takes him feet-first to a buzz-saw, which he hopes will kill him]

Mr. Adler:
Jesus Christ! [sits up and re positions himself to go head-first] What was I thinking? That would've hurt like hell!

Cartman:
I guess you don't care about what Tweek said about your mom.

Craig:
Nope! [slams the door shut]

Cartman:
[surprised] God damn it. [knocks on door again. Craig answers again] Oh, I guess you don't want to hear what he had to say about your guinea pig?

Craig:
Said what?! What did he say about Stripe?

Cartman:
Oh nothing, just that you stick it up your leg before you go to bed every night.

Craig:
That son of a bitch, I'll kill him!

[Tweek and Craig are wrestling each other]

Mr. Adler:
Don't screw around!

[Kenny clings to the jigsaw to avoid getting hurt by Tweek and Craig]

Mr. Adler:
Stop screwing around! Hey, you're screwing around too much!

[Kenny's parka gets caught in the spinning blade, causing him to get flung into a box of rusty nails]

Stan:
Oh, my God! They killed Kenny!

Kyle:
You bastards!

Wendy:
I requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here.

Home EC. teacher:
That's right, Wendy. You see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. But all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man. And that's why we have home EC.

Home EC. teacher:
Richard, aren't you going to invite me in?

Mr. Adler:
Why?

Home EC. teacher:
Well, I thought maybe you would at least at-tempt to make love to me tonight.

Mr. Adler:
Oh, well, uh, I can't. I left the oven on.

Home EC. teacher:
Oh, Richard, why can't you open your heart to me? Why?

Mr. Adler:
I just... I can't. Oh, I know. I have genital warts. [he begins closing the door]

Home EC. teacher:
We'll use plastic wrap.

Mr. Adler:
Nope. Sorry. Maybe some other time. [shuts the door on her face]

Mayor:
You're supposed to lose, you idiot!

Officer Barbrady:
Where am I?

[From this point on the male Jakovasaur is known as Jakov]

Jakov:
Whoo, Niners! Go, Niners!

Randy Marsh:
Uh we're rooting for the Broncos here, Jakov.

Jakov:
[pause] Whooooo, Niners!

Mr. Garrison:
Now, wait a minute. I wanna clear the air here. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon? [everybody around him raises his or her hand] Oh, whatever!

Department of Interior Guy:
Young man, we're making you an honorary Department of Interior person. You are officially in charge of South Park's fish and wildlife. You have authority over all of them.

Cartman:
[disbelieving pause] I have authoritah?

Department of Interior Guy:
That's right, and people must respect it.

Cartman:
Well, that should be fine—just fine.

Department of Interior Guy:
Fine, just fine.

Cartman:
Fine.

Jimbo:
Hey Ned, look what I bought you! A new voice box [teases Ned a while] Want it? You want it? Yeah, you want it. Here. Try it out, Ned.

Ned:
[in an Irish accent] Ah, Jimbo, I can't thank you enough for the new voice box. [realizes he's got an Irish accent] What the devil is this, then?

Jimbo:
Aw, no! I must've picked up the Irish model by mistake.

Ned:
[still in an Irish accent] Oh, what a bloody pickle this is. Did ya keep the receipt then?

Stan:
Oh, no, there's nothing worse than Cartman with authoritah!

[The boys are camping by the pond]

Cartman:
Hey guys, check out this song I made up, it's called "I hate you guys." [singing] I hate you guys! You guys are assholes! Especially Kenny! I hate him the most!

Sexual Harassment Panda Song:

Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?

Sexual Harassment… Panda!

Who explains sexual harassment to you and me?

Sexual Harassment… Panda!

Don't say that, don't touch there…

Don't be nasty says the silly bear!

He's come to tell you what's right and wrong…

Sexual Harassment… Panda!

Mr. Garrison:
Now kids we're going to talk about sexual harassment

Cartman:
Is sexual harassment when you're making out with a girl and a guy tickles your balls from behind?

Mr. Garrison:
No, Cartman, That's not sexual harassment.

Gerald:
You see, Kyle, we live in a liberal, democratic society. And democrats make sexual harassment laws. These laws tell us what we can and can't say in the workplace, and what we can and can't do in the workplace.

Kyle:
Isn't that fascism?

Gerald:
No, because we don't call it fascism. Do you understand?

Kyle:
Do you?

Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda:
When one Panda puts his furry little willy in another Panda's ear, that makes me a saaaaaaaaad Panda.

Petey the Sexual Harassment Panda:
How would you like a big Panda punch in your puss?

Skeeter:
Hey Panda Bear! We don't take kindly to your types around here.

Bartender:
Now, Skeeter, he isn't hurting nobody.

Skeeter:
No! I want to know something from Mr. Panda Bear here. If you pandas are from mountainous areas of China and Tibet, how come you only eat bamboo which is prone to grow in dryer, more arid regions?

Another misfit mascot:
Hello kids, I'm Hoppy the 'don't do stuff that might irritate your inner ear' badger.

Worm:
Hello there, boys.

Stan:
Whoa! Who are you?

Worm:
I'm Willy, the "Don't Stare Directly Into The Sun" Worm. Now, you boys know not to stare directly into the sun, right?

Boys:
Yes.

Willy:
That can burn your retinas and make you blind. [pulls out some shades and a cane, puts on the shades, and sticks the cane out, to simulate a blind person, then puts his props away]

Stan:
...Thanks a lot, dude.

Pig:
[rushes up snapping two pairs of scissors around] Oink oink! Be sure to run around with scissors, says Oinky, the "Run Around With Scissors" Pig.

Cartman:
I thought you weren't supposed to run around with scissors.

Willy:
That's why he's on the Island Of Misfit Mascots. [Oinky walks away]

Shelley:
They're having a cat orgy!

Cartman:
They mostly come out at night...mostly.

Skyler:
Okay, check check, check, 1, 2, check. Okay, ready? All right, let's try the new song. This is a song I wrote for you, Shelley... When I saw her walking down the street, I thought she was Shelley, Shelley.

Cartman:
Aw, man, you guys suck.

Skyler:
Now that we're together I'm absolutely sure that she's Shelley, Shelley.

Cartman:
You're the crappiest band I have ever heard!

Skyler:
Move into my mom's house with me, Shelley, Shelley.

Skyler:
I pledge allegiance...to the flag...of the United States of...Shelley, Shelley!

Cartman (as he's swinging from the coat rack, holding his ears):
Oh my God, somebody shoot me in the head!

Skyler:
Hey, shut up, Tubby!

Cartman:
Don't call me fat! Now you guys are not supposed to be in nyah! You get out now and respect mah authoritah!

Pip:
Can I be Jaclyn Smith? Can I?

Butters:
No, uh, I get to be Jaclyn Smith. See, I thought of Charlie's Angels and I get to be Jaclyn Smith c-cause I thought of it.

Gerald:
Just because we shared an intimate moment in the hot tub, I'm not going to let it--

Randy:
We did not share an intimate moment, okay? That makes it sound gay!

Mr. Garrison:
Great party, Mr. Mackey. Mr. Hat just grabbed Principal Victoria's ass.

Butters:
Oh dear God, they're going to set us on fire. Oh great Jesus son of Mary, wife of Joseph! What are we going to do, huh? Oh sweet Joseph, husband of Mary but not father of sweet Jesus.

Pip:
We were just playing a game called Wicker-shams and Ducklers. Do you want to play?

Stan:
No.

Pip:
I'm the head Wicker-knicker. And you are all little Wicker-shams. We all sing the merry tune of Stratford until I yell, "Hurrah!" and then you all fall down laughing, and I join you, as I find it funny too.

Jimbo:
We're all a little gay.

ATF Agent:
We're not going to let them commit suicide, even if we have to kill them.

Moses:
I desire…macaroni pictures.

Kyle:
He [Kenny] doesn't get cake?

Moses:
No cake for the impurity!

Moses:
And let us glue paper plates together with beans inside so when you shake them they make rattling noises.

Rabbi:
Paper plate bean shakers, of course!

Moses:
And let us put patterns of glue on the outside and glitter so they look all nice and sparkly.

Elder Schwartz:
You heard him, Scouts! Let's get to work!

Radio Announcer:
How do you feel about the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt, little boy?

Stan:
This one time, like eight months ago, I saw two guys kissing in a park. And that was the gayest thing I'd ever seen, until I saw the KOZY-FM Halloween Haunt.

Cartman:
Hey you guys! You know what time of year it is?

Kyle:
Of course, dumb ass, it's Halloween.

Cartman:
That's right, and that means only two more months till Christmas! [singing] You'd better watch out, you'd better not cry...

Stan:
Christmas?

Cartman:
...Christmastime is presents for me.

Guide:
Welcome to Spooky Laboratory. [pulls out a blindfold and puts it over Cartman's eyes] I'm your guide, Dr. Spookalot. Allow me to show around the lab. [leads him to a table on which is a bowl of eggs and a bowl of Jell-o cubes]

Cartman:
Cool!

Dr. Spookalot:
Here I have a bowl of human eyeballs.

Cartman:
[rolls his fingers around the eggs] Ew-ho-ho.

Dr. Spookalot:
[switches bowls] And here you can feel the brains.

Cartman:
[rolls his fingers through the Jell-o cubes] Oh-ho, gross.

Dr. Spookalot:
[leads him to a donkey] And here you can feel the warm innards of the body. [Cartman reaches into the donkey's anus and the donkey looks surprised]

Cartman:
Ew, it feels like cold spaghetti! You guys, it feels like cold spaghetti!

Stan:
[walks up with Kyle and Kenny] Come on, fat ass, we have to go!

Cartman:
Ey! Don't call me fat! [Mrs. Cartman giggles] Mom, don't laugh.

Mrs. Cartman:
I'm sorry, hon.

Cartman:
[to his friends] I can't go with you guys right now.

Stan:
Yes you can, Porky. [Mrs. Cartman giggles again]

Cartman:
Mom, seriously! [her giggles die down]

Mrs. Cartman:
Oh, that's not funny, boys. Eric isn't fat, he's big-boned.

Kyle:
He must have a huge bone in his ass, then. [Cartman's mom bursts out laughing]

Cartman:
God damn it, Mom!

Stan:
OK. It's almost open. Ready? 1, 2, 3! [they pry the door open, and then jump back and peer in] Whoa, dude.

Kyle:
Oh, my God. [the corpse sways to the right, against the casket wall] Hi, Grandma.

Voice:
Hi, Kyle.

Kyle:
[hops back] Aah!

Cartman:
[providing the voice] Have you been a good boy, Kyle? Have you been making Grandma proud?

Kyle:
Dammit, Cartman, that's not funny!

Stan:
[chuckling] Eh eh, yes it is.

Cartman:
We could shove a stick up her ass and use her like a puppet: "Rowr, rowr, I'm Scary Grandma!"

Sheila:
Dug her up? Why?

Brunet:
Well. The most likely reason is that somebody wanted to have sex with her dead body.

Blond:
Yep.

Sheila:
What?!

Brunet:
Uh-huh, we don't want to upset you, but it happens. Somebody's probably making love to her corpse as we speak.

Blond:
Every vile position, every disrespectful act imaginable.

Sheila:
Oh, dear God!

Brunet:
Yes. By now he's probably even removed her eyes and made love to the empty sockets as well.

Sheila:
[sadly rubs her eyes] Ooh.

Blond:
Now, we don't want to upset you, but you should know that your mother's body would be stiff and dry, so he would have to have it soaked in warm water for several hours before making love to it.

Sheila:
Ooh!

Brunet:
Yes. And, now for the difficult part.

Blond:
Brace yourself.

Brunet:
It is highly possible that he has created new orifices in her decomposing flesh, leaving her to look something like an over loved hunk of Swiss cheese. She probably--

Sheila:
Okay, okay! I get the point! Just tell me what you're going to do about it!

Brunet:
Do?

Blond:
Oh, we don't do anything. We're just the watchmen.

Brunet:
Yeah, I guess, maybe, you might want to call the police or something.

Jonathan Davis:
Well, that does it. Something funny is going on here. Your missing grandma must be connected somehow to those creepy pirate ghosts.

David:
They're not pirate ghosts, Jonathan, they're ghost pirates.

Jonathan Davis:
Huh?

David:
"Pirate ghost" would suggest that a pirate died, and became a ghost, but a ghost pirate is a ghost that later made a conscious decision to be a pirate.

Munky:
No, David. Then they are pirate ghosts, because they're the ghosts of pirates.

Fieldy:
You're wrong, because there were no pirates in Colorado. So these must be ghosts that have decided to become pirates after the fact.

Jonathan Davis:
But that makes them pirate ghosts.

David:
No, it makes them ghost pirates.

Munky:
Pirate ghosts!

Head:
Guys! Guys! Guys! Fighting isn't gonna solve anything. Don't you see? This is exactly what those ghost pirates want us to do.

Jonathan Davis:
Pirate ghosts.

Jonathan Davis:
All right, gang. We have to split up and look for clues.

Stan:
How do we split up?

Jonathan Davis:
I know. Let's have everyone who enjoys having obstacles in their life which they can overcome go this way. And everyone whose insecurity sabotages their potential to overcome these obstacles go that way.

All of Korn:
OK!

Kyle:
[joined the first group] Wow! That was easy!

Mr. Garrison:
Okay, children, I want it quiet! [the class is quiet] Now, we're gonna try this again until we get it right! What is six times three?

Stan:
Juuhachi desu ka?

Class:
Juuhachi da ne!

Mr. Garrison:
No, goddamn it, it's 18!

Stan:
Juuhachi is 18, Garrison-san.

Mr. Garrison:
For the last time, my name is not Garrison-San, all right? And this is not Hat-San! And you all better start talking in a manner that I can understand!

Cartman:
Ooh, Garrison-san sabuchii da na.

Mr. Garrison:
What did he say?!

Stan:
He said, Garrison-San sabuchii da na.

Class:
Sou desu nee!

Mr. Garrison:
Damn it, this is not Japan!

Cartman:
Minata! Kite kite, churi! [farts; the class laughs]

Wendy:
Dare ga pu shita no.

Mr. Garrison:
ARRGGHHH!!!

Mayor:
Okay, our next contestant is Eric Cartman. [a happy Cartman comes to the stand] Alright, Eric, here's your word: "chair". [Cartman looks at Fonics Monkey, only to wave in response]

Cartman:
[whispers] Come on, Fonics Monkey, drum! [Fonics Monkey looks to the left, but no response] Come on! [Fonics Monkey starts to masturbate]

Mayor:
Eric, your word is "chair".

Cartman:
Uh...definition?

Mayor:
Something you sit on.

Cartman:
Country of origin?

Mayor:
English.

Cartman:
Could you please use it in a sentence?

Mayor:
Oh, for Christ's sake, kid, the word is "chair"!

Cartman:
Um..."chair". C-h-a-r-e. [buzz] Goddamn it, how come I get the hard one?! Get over here, you son of a bitch Fonics Monkey!

Kyle:
You got my note?

Rebecca:
Uh huh, of course. You taped it to my dog. How could I not see it?

Kyle:
Can we sit down?

Rebecca:
Why not? Isn't Papa's garden beautiful? He works so hard on it.

Kyle:
Rebecca, don't you ever look at the town? At that flicker of light over there?

Rebecca:
I have looked at it.

Kyle:
Well, that's a public school. And in it, there are children, just like us.

Rebecca:
How can children go to school on a flicker of light?

Kyle:
From public school, your house is just a flicker of light. Don't you want to go out? All you do is stay in your house and study.

Rebecca:
What else would one do?

Kyle:
Love, for one thing.

Rebecca:
And what is love?

Kyle:
Love...is the most important thing on Earth. When boys and girls feel love, they kiss.

Rebecca:
What means this kiss?

Kyle:
When a man and a woman feel...love, they put their lips together.

Rebecca:
Oh, you mean a mate. When it is time to increase the herd, my provider will select one for me.

Kyle:
Rebecca, in public school, we select our own mate. In public school, men and women get together, make each other happy.

Rebecca:
You certainly come from a strange place. Still, I would like to try this...kiss. [Kyle turns around, relieved] So I can write about it. [Kyle comes and sits down next to her again] So how do we do it?

Kyle:
I'm not completely sure.

Rebecca:
Perhaps we should look it up.

Kyle:
No, I think it's something we should try a few times... [leans in closer] until we get it... [leans even closer] right... [they lean in and kiss quickly]

Rebecca:
Wow...wow, that was fun. [grabs Kyle and kisses him again, though more passionately]

Kyle:
Does that mean you'll go to the dance?

Rebecca:
You bet your sweet ass I will.

Stan:
This is great!

Cartman:
Yeah, but where's that crappy song coming from? Could you turn that off?

[Marvin turns off theme music]

Stan:
Yeah, that's better.

Missionary:
An alien race? Have they heard the word of Christ?

Cartman:
No, never! It's perfect!

Cartman:
Isn't the name of your planet already Marklar?

Chief-Marklar:
We on Marklar call all things, people and places Marklar.

Kyle:
Isn't that totally confusing?

Chief-Marklar:
No, not at all. Hey! Marklar!

A Marklar in the crowd:
Yes?

Chief-Marklar:
See!

Sign on seized spaceship:
PROPERTY OF U.S. GOVT. THANK YOU

Kyle:
Wait, I think I can explain this whole thing. Marklar, these marklars want to change your marklar. They don't want this marklar or any of these marklars to live here because it's bad for their marklar. They use marklars to try and force marklars to believe their marklars. If you let them stay here, they will build marklars and marklars. They will take all your marklars and replace them with marklar. These marklars have no good marklar to live on marklar so they must come here to marklar. Please, let these marklars stay where they can grow and prosper without any marklars, marklars, or marklars.

Chief-Marklar:
[slight pause; the humans look confused] Young one, your marklars are wise and true.

Cartman:
[singing] Here's a little dreidel that's small and made of clay. But I'm not going to play with it 'cause dreidel's friggin' gay.

Gerald:
[singing] Courtney Cox, I love you. [Kyle stops and stares at Gerald] You're so hot [Sheila stops, then Stan] on that show.

Kyle:
Dad? [Cartman stops]

Gerald:
Courtney Cox,

Kyle:
Dad.

Gerald:
I- huh? [stops singing]

Kyle:
We're singing about a dreidel.

Gerald:
[stops dancing] ...Oh, sorry.

Sheila:
We'll talk about this later, Gerald!

Rod Stewart:
Poo pants.

Jesus:
What?

Rod Stewart:
Poo pants.

Jesus:
Poo pants?

Rod Stewart:
I pooped my pants.

Jesus:
Y-you pooped your pants?

Rod Stewart:
I pooped my pants.

Jesus:
Oh. Uh, nurse? Mr. Stewart has apparently pooped his pants.

Nurse:
Again? Now Mr. Stewart, what did we say about trying to hold in Mr. Dookie?

Randy:
[taken aback] That's God?

Jesus:
Yea, it's my Father, the Creator. He is the Alpha and the Omega.

[A snake's tongue lashes out from God's mouth]

Jesus:
The Beginning and the End.

Mr. Garrison:
Well, yeah, but that?

God:
What did you expect me to look like, my son?

Mr. Garrison:
[thinks for a moment] Well not like that!

Mr. Garrison Sr.:
Alright. Would you have sex with your son to save his life? [the others ponder the question]

Patron 2:
Oh, this is one of them Scruples questions, ain't it?

Patron 1:
No, no, I got a better one: Would you have sex with your mother to save your father's life?

Patrons:
[wondering] Woo, yeah.

Patron 2:
Oh, like if someone had a gun to your father's head and said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'll shoot him"?

Patron 1:
Yeah.

Patron 2:
Oh, that's a tough one.

Patron 3:
Hmm.

Mr. Garrison Sr.:
No no wait, uh, you don't understand.

Blond:
How about if someone made you have sex with your mother and father to save your own life?

Patrons:
No, no, no way. No.

Patron 6:
But if it was to save my mother's life, uh-I think I would have to have sex with my father.

Patron 7:
Yep.

Patron 8:
Me, too.

Patron 9:
Well, I think that goes without saying.

Mr. Garrison Sr.:
Well actually, I'm just...talking about a son.

Patron 8:
Well, personally, I would have sex with my son to save to save my mother's life. It depends, uh- how big a gun are we talking here?

Mr. Garrison Sr.:
Uh, he doesn't have a gun.

Blond:
The father doesn't have a gun?

Mr. Garrison Sr.:
No! Nobody's got a gun!

Patron 3:
I think if someone said, "Have sex with your mother or else I'm gonna kill your son," but he didn't have a gun, I wouldn't do it.

Patron 2:
He could have a knife, though.

Patron 1:
Yeah.

Patron 3:
Sure.

Patron 1:
Yeah, a knife.

Bartender:
If a killer put a knife to my throat, and said, "Have sex with your father or else I'm gonna kill your mother while having sex with you," I would have sex with myself.

Reporter:
Some even crapped themselves to death while others ruined a pair of good pants!