SpongeBob SquarePants, Season 2

[SpongeBob's feet are stomped into the floor of the Krusty Krab]

Patrick:
SpongeBob, you're shorter. Have you been dieting?

SpongeBob:
Heh, well, a sponge has to look his spongiest. [walks to the kitchen putting a line of holes in the floor with his feet] Well, I've gotta get to work.

[SpongeBob is shown crawling into his pineapple.]

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
Not now, Gary.

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
I'm not in the mood, Gary.

Gary:
Meow. [the scene changes to SpongeBob's bedroom. Off-Screen] Meow.

SpongeBob:
[crawls into bed] Just leave me and me untied shoes alone, Gary. [Gary roars like a lion, knocking SpongeBob off the bed and onto the floor] Okay, Gary, you have my attention.

Gary:
Meow. [ties SpongeBob's shoes]

SpongeBob:
[gasps] Gary! Well, I'll be! You can tie shoes! [Gary shows himself wearing shoes that look like old-style bowling shoes, under his shell] Hoppin' clams! How did you learn to do that? [Gary's shell opens revealing a record. The song, Loop Dee Loop by Ween starts and SpongeBob starts dancing]

Ween:
♪Wanna learn how to tie your shoe? [the scene changes to show SpongeBob in a classroom wearing a teacher's outfit and on the chalkboard there are sketches of shoes]

It's a very easy thing to do. [Gary appears on a stool. SpongeBob puts on his glasses and taps the board with his pointer]

Just sit on down [Patrick appears in the desk next to SpongeBob] and I'll give you the scoop, [Patrick holds out an ice cream cone and SpongeBob gives him a tied shoe that looks like SpongeBob's shoe. Patrick looks surprised]

What's that? [the scene changes to show the words "Loop Dee Loop" in shoelaces and SpongeBob pulls on two of the aglets] It's called the loop-dee-loop.

[the scene changes to show SpongeBob's leg with an untied shoe] You gotta take a lace in each hand, [two SpongeBobs hold an aglet in one of each's hands goes up and past the screen. The scene changes again to show the SpongeBobs crossing each other's paths] You go over and under again.

[the SpongeBobs come back around under the cross path that they made. The go upward and past the screen. They come back and pass each other's path one more time] You make a loop-dee-loop and [the scene changes to show a small SpongeBob tying the lace of a big SpongeBob's shoe] pull. And your shoes are [the Big SpongeBob is shown wearing a top hat and giant shoes. He takes his hat off and kicks the newly tied shoe. It flies off] lookin' cool.

[the scene changes to show a SpongeBob multiplying into multiple SpongeBobs and follows the lyrics] You go over and back, left to right, Loop-dee-loop [the scene changes to show SpongeBob holding his laces while jumping] and you pull 'em tight, [the scene changes to show SpongeBob with a bunny toy] Like bunny ears [a present appears] or a Christmas bow, [the bunny toy becomes a bunny slipper and SpongeBob is seen wearing it and the present as shoes] Lace 'em up and you're ready to go.

[SpongeBob runs out of the scene. The scene changes to show SpongeBob jumping off of a tight rope wire swing thing. He stops and spins around and then falls] You make a loop-dee-loop and pull, [the scene changes to show SpongeBob and Gary falling into a giant shoe that looks like SpongeBob's shoe] And your shoes are lookin' cool.

[SpongeBob pulls on the laces and wings appear on both sides of the shoe and the shoe plane takes off. The scene changes to show the plane passing giant tied shoe laces. The shoe plane hits a roller coaster track and the wings fall off and it becomes a roller coaster car] You make a loop-dee-loop and pull, [the shoe falls off of the track and lands on the ground] And your shoes are lookin' cool.♪ [SpongeBob and Gary pop out of the shoe and the episode ends]

French Narrator:
Ah, beautiful springtime, a time for fun and frolic for most, [the scene cuts to the Krusty Krab, zooming in and then right at the front door. Squidward is there] but not for this poor slob. [referring to Squidward]

Squidward:
Oh, what a beautiful day and here I am trapped in a prison of high cholesterol. [the bell dings] No one ever comes in on Sunday. [the bell dings again] Why can't Mr. Krabs just let us go home? [the bell dings again. Squidward gets angry and growling into SpongeBob. The scene changes to to SpongeBob ringing a bell, set on the order window. Squidward runs up to SpongeBob] SpongeBob, stop ringing this bell! [picks it up and slams it on the bottom of the order window]

SpongeBob:
I was just testing it. [Squidward leans through the order window getting in SpongeBob's face]

Squidward:
I will ring the bell when there's an order. But... [the scene zooms out to show that the restaurant is empty] There's no customers! There hasn't been one all day and there isn't gonna be any! [struggles to pick up the cash register, but successfully does so and he slams it down making a bell noise]

SpongeBob:
One Krabby Patty coming up!

Squidward:
NO-!

[The register drawer shoots open, knocking Squidward out of the way. A bunch of coins fall onto the floor. The scene changes to show Mr. Krabs' office where Mr. Krabs is writing something on a sheet of paper and he stops to hear the money dropping.]

Mr. Krabs:
That sounds like me money dropping. [the scene changes to show the outside of the office and Squidward is picking up the coins. Mr. Krabs opens his office door] What's going on out here?! My babies! [runs up to Squidward and shoves him away] Get away, you barbarian! What have you done? Nice clean money... soiled! [scoops up the coins in his claws] I'll take care of ya. Let papa clean ya up. [the scene changes to show a long shot of SpongeBob staring out from the order window] Clear the way! [runs into the kitchen and starts washing them off in the sink] No, no, no, don't cry, little ones.

SpongeBob:
What's wrong, Mr. Krabs? [Mr. Krabs gets startled and throws the dimes in the air. One dime rolls into the sink and starts to roll towards the sink drain]

Mr. Krabs:
Me dime! [the dime rolls around the sink drain. Just as it seems like it's about to fall down the drain, it flips over facing away from the drain. Mr. Krabs gives a sigh of relief. Then the dime jumps, winks, and goes down the drain] No! [grabs the dime in the drain] I got it, boy! [tries to take his claw out] What the? It's stuck! You gotta help me, SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
You've gotta let go of the dime.

Mr. Krabs:
I can think of ten good reasons to never let go of a dime, boy. There's got to be another way! Grab me captain's quarters and heave! [SpongeBob pulls on Mr. Krabs from behind a couple times until Mr. Krabs gets thrown back without his arms] Me arms!

SpongeBob:
Oh no, not again!

[Mr. Krabs hits the wall, the impact causing the shelf above him to slant and drop a pot, a glass, a pan, a mug, a treasure chest, an anchor, a buoy, and a scuba suit on his head. A giant bump rises up on Mr. Krabs' head and then a dime falls on it, causing Mr. Krabs to fall over and black out.]

Patrick:
Okay, now... say it. [SpongeBob hesitates] Say it.

SpongeBob:
I can't.

Patrick:
SpongeBob, you're never going to feel better till you get this thing off your chest. [we see SpongeBob has a alien-like leech sucking on his chest]

SpongeBob:
I know, Patrick. [pulls it off and throws it aside]

Patrick:
Say it. Say it...

SpongeBob:
I'm ugly.

Patrick:
You're ugly and what?

SpongeBob:
Square?

Patrick:
No, proud.

SpongeBob:
I'm ugly and I'm proud.

Patrick:
Good! Say it louder.

SpongeBob:
[louder] I'm ugly and I'm proud.

Patrick:
Louder.

SpongeBob:
[louder] I'm ugly and I'm proud!

Patrick:
Louder!

SpongeBob:
I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD! [pan over to Squidward's roof, where he's tanning] I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!! I'M UGLY AND I'M PROUD!!

Squidward:
Is that what he calls it?

[As we cut back to the pineapple rooftop, SpongeBob is breathing heavily]

SpongeBob:
That felt great! I feel empowered.

Patrick:
So whaddya wanna do now?

SpongeBob:
I don't know. How about a movie?

SpongeBob:
Patrick, is everything okay in here? [hears Patrick sobbing and opens a stall door, then sees him sitting on the toilet with a bag over his head] What are you doing in there, Patrick?

Patrick:
[resentfully] Wouldn't you like to know?

SpongeBob:
And why is that bag on your head?

Patrick:
[sarcastically] Why? Oh, no reason... [angrily] Except you gave me the ugly! [whips the bag off. SpongeBob recoils and gasps as Patrick walks out] What am I gonna do?! I can't go out looking like this!

SpongeBob:
Just remember what we talked about; there's power in pride.

Patrick:
That may be fine for you, but I was one of the beautiful people. Now look at me! [his breath reaches SpongeBob, who smells it and makes a disgusted face] I'm almost as ugly as you!

SpongeBob:
BLEGH! [He covers his nose in disgust]

Patrick:
I always thought if I was as ugly as that guy, I don't know what I'd do.

SpongeBob:
Patrick...?

Patrick:
What's my mom gonna say?

SpongeBob:
Patrick?

Patrick:
Oh, my gosh, if my sister finds out...

SpongeBob:
Patrick?

Patrick:
...wait, I don't have a sister. If the bank...

SpongeBob:
Patrick?

Patrick:
I mean it's one thing if you have bad shoes or even bad hair, but—

SpongeBob:
[having had enough, he enlarges to stop Patrick's babbling] PATRICK! [shrinks back to normal] You're not ugly, your breath stinks. Really bad.

[Patrick sighs with relief, his stench in the shape of skull and crossbones]

Patrick:
[relaxed] Ah, what a relief...

SpongeBob:
[his eyes water from the foul smell] Argh, barnacles, Patrick! What did you eat?!

Patrick:
Oh, some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...

SpongeBob:
No, I mean just this morning.

Patrick:
Some roast beef, some chicken, a pizza...

SpongeBob:
What else?

Patrick:
Well, I had some of your sundae.

SpongeBob:
[realizing] Sundae...

Pearl:
SpongeBob, what do you like better? The Kutie Krab or the Kooky Krab?

Squidward:
For what, dare I ask?

Pearl:
The new name for our new look. I mean, "The Krusty Krab" has got to go. Who wants to eat at a place they think is crusty? Bleh.

Squidward:
Well, sure it's a terrible name, but this is a terrible place. Therefore, the name should be left alone. Right, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
I got it. How about The Khaotic Krab?

Pearl:
How about The Kissy Krab? [smooches]

SpongeBob:
[dressed as a king] The King Krab.

Pearl:
[holds up a lollipop] The Kandy Krab.

SpongeBob:
[dressed like a beat poet] The Kool Krab. [dressed as a cowboy] Or the Kowboy Krab. [stretched out] The Kurly Krab. [dressed as a mad scientist] The Kreepy Krab. [dressed as a crazy killer jungle man] THE KILLER KRAB!!

Pearl:
[gasps] No!

SpongeBob:
You're right, too scary.

[Pause]

SpongeBob and Pearl:
The Kuddly Krab! [they both hug and laugh. A rainbow of colors fills the screen. Pearl, SpongeBob and an anguished Squidward stand outside the new restaurant. The sign for the restaurant is now a heart and a cutesy robot Krabs is waving his arms atop it. The restaurant outside itself is tie-dyed with colors and rainbows and the flags are now hearts. Balloons are hanging from the roof and giant lollipops come from the chimney. Pearl and SpongeBob, giggling, walk back in the restaurant. Squidward is so mad that the two K's on his uniform catch on fire and he shakes the pole. Incidental 22 and Fred drive by in a car.]

Incidental 22:
It's a shame old man Krabs sold the Krusty Krab.

Fred:
That's a darn shame. Hey, lady! Do you know where we can get something to eat around here?

Squidward:
That's it! I quit! [rips off his uniform, revealing nothing under it. A police whistle is blown and Incidental 118 comes over and writes him a ticket for indecent exposure and places it between his legs.]

[Patrick showing SpongeBob his award]

SpongeBob:
[reading award caption] "For outstanding achievement in achievement" - 'SpongeBob SquarePants'?

Patrick:
"SpongeBob SquarePants"? That's a funny way to spell my name.

SpongeBob:
Uh, Patrick, I think the award is for me. You must have got it by mistake.

Patrick:
[sadly] But, it's shiny!

SpongeBob:
Yeah, but, you know what else is shiny?

Patrick:
Ice cream!

SpongeBob:
Exactly!

Patrick:
I can find it! Is it in here?

SpongeBob:
No, don't! That's my- [Patrick opens the door and an enormous pile of trophies tumble out] ...award closet.

Patrick:
[tearing up] I want an award!

SpongeBob:
[pops up with prized ribbons on his eyes] Aw, Patrick, don't cry.

[Patrick cries]

[The phone rings, Patrick picks up the receiver]

Male Caller 1:
[on the phone] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
No, this is Patrick. [hangs up and whistles; the phone rings again, picks it up again]

Female Caller:
[on the phone] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
No, this is Patrick. [hangs up again, continues to whistle, the phone rings, picks it up again]

Male Caller 2:
[on the phone] Is this the Krusty Krab?

Patrick:
NO!!! THIS IS PATRICK!!! [slams phone back onto hook] I'm not a Krusty Krab.

SpongeBob:
Uhh, Patrick, that's the name of the restaurant.

Patrick:
Huh? FISHPASTE!

[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Patrick at the grill frying patties. They both whistle to the tune of "Row, Row, Row Your Boat", then stop, and they both wipe their foreheads.]

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Whew! [SpongeBob drops his spatula]

SpongeBob:
[laughs] Dropped my spatula. [bends down to pick it up]

Patrick:
Uhh, me too. [drops his spatula and bends down to pick it up]

[SpongeBob and Patrick bend back up and SpongeBob takes off his hat, then Patrick takes off his, they both put their hats back on, then they both put their hands on the grill; Patrick's hand burns after a few seconds]

Patrick:
Owwww!

SpongeBob:
Aha! [shows the fake hand] You're copying me!

Patrick:
Yes.

SpongeBob:
Why are you doing that?

Patrick:
So I can win an award like you.

SpongeBob:
Well, it's annoying, so stop it!

Patrick:
Stop it. [both imitate the others facial expressions]

SpongeBob:
Say, you're good.

Patrick:
Thanks.

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Ha! Darn. [both look at each other with suspicion, while rubbing their chins. They later watch each other as they dance to "Mary had a Little Lamb"] Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was white as... PICKLE FISH LIPS!!!!! [both cover their mouths] Seaweavel. [both cover their mouths again] Yorgyshmorgies. [both cover their mouths yet again]

SpongeBob:
[in his head] At least I'm safe inside my mind.

Patrick:
[in his head; as SpongeBob realizes that he wasn't safe in his mind] At least I'm safe inside my mind.

[SpongeBob and Patrick then scream in panic and run out of the Krusty Krab.]

SpongeBob:
Stop copying me!

Patrick:
There's no award for that!

Squidward:
[leaning against the Krusty Krab sign pole, reading a newspaper, a Krusty Krab hat falls near him] Well, I guess it's safe to go in now. [puts his hat back on and walks back in]

SpongeBob:
[he and Patrick are still running] Patrick, how long are you gonna keep this up?

Patrick:
Until I have as many awards as you.

SpongeBob:
We'll see about that!

Patrick:
No, we won't.

SpongeBob:
[takes out a jump-rope] I'm the jump-rope champion of Bikini Bottom.

Patrick:
Me too. [takes out a jump-rope]

SpongeBob:
Oh, yeah? I call this one: The Slice N' Dice. [crosses his arms and jump-ropes while Patrick tries to imitate but ties himself up with his rope] Ha! Not a scratch on me. [his body breaks down into pieces, which later hop away]

Patrick:
Oh, no, you don't! [squeezes the rope on himself breaking his body down into smaller pieces, then he and SpongeBob repeatedly hit their heads with a hammer]

SpongeBob:
Not much fun being me, now, huh, Patrick?

Patrick:
Are you kidding? I used to do this [SpongeBob stops hammering his head but Patrick does not notice] way before I started copying you. [Patrick hits himself faster and too hard, he stops and gets dizzy...] Wheeeee-eeeeeyeeehhh-eeeeh. [...as trophies appear and spin around his head, tweeting like birds. He falls on the ground; SpongeBob laughs and runs into Patrick's rock painted as SpongeBob's house; SpongeBob gets angry and steam comes out of his head] My turn! [runs into the pineapple rock as SpongeBob quickly runs into his real house]

Patrick:
What's so great about being a big pink loser?

Squidward:
Here, one of everything! No cheese, no crust, no pickles to the left, four squirts of ketchup, wheat buns, non-dairy lettuce, and farm-raised tomatoes, carnival style! And if there is anything else I can do, please hesitate to ask.

Francis:
He kept us waiting for a bubble?

Larry:
That's nothing! He called us fat! [begins crunching on celery stalks along with others]

Pearl:
[crying as she shows her clean flipper] He washed my flipper!

Mr. Krabs:
[storming up] He owes me money!

Squidward:
[following Mr. Krabs] He made me provide excellent service!

Scooter:
[appears with a halo and angel clothing on] Dudes! He made me experience high tide! [floats up towards the surface while laughing]

Tom:
He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto our houses!

Protesters:
He did?

Tom:
No... But are we just gonna wait around until he does?

Mr. Krabs:
I say we tip somethin' over! [all yelling]

Lifeguard:
[everyone tips the lifeguard stand] Hey!

Protester:
Now what?

Protesters:
Get the lifeguard! [they go to the lifeguard, but Squidward stops them]

Squidward:
Wait! Don't waste this senseless violence on him! It's that stupid bubble of SpongeBob's that's causing all the problems! [holds up a needle] Who's with me?

Protesters:
[all hold a needle] Pop the bubble!

Mr. Krabs:
So, are you ready?

Squidward:
To go home?

Mr. Krabs:
No, to exchange gifts for Employee Brotherhood Day.

Squidward:
Mr. Krabs, you pay me to stand behind this register, and take orders, and give change. But you could never pay me enough to act brotherly towards that guy. [points to SpongeBob]

Squidward:
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?!

SpongeBob:
Well, since we've finished everything on the list, I thought I'd make up a new one. I already filled up this book with ideas. [holds up a book that says Friends 4ever] We should be able to finish by January.

Squidward:
FORGET THE BOOK! [slaps the book away] I spent the whole day with you doing all kinds of ridiculous things because you were supposed to EXPLODE!

SpongeBob:
You want me to explode?

Squidward:
Yes, that's what I've been waiting for!

SpongeBob:
Okay, I'll try. [strains himself] GARY!!!! YOU ARE GONNA FINISH YOUR DESSERT, AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!!!! [laughs] Now it's your turn.

Squidward:
[yells, hops up and down furiously] THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU BARNACLEHEAD!!!

SpongeBob:
[claps] Ooh, good one.

Squidward:
NO! You're supposed to explode into a million pieces! [flaps his arms]

SpongeBob:
Why would I do that?

Squidward:
Because the pie you ate was a bomb!

SpongeBob:
What pie?

Squidward:
The one I left sitting on the counter this morning that I bought from pirates for 25 bucks, and I didn't know it was a bomb, and you ate it...THAT PIE!

SpongeBob:
Pie... OH, you mean this pie! [takes out the same pie]

Squidward:
Huh?

SpongeBob:
I was saving it in my pocket, for us to share. Let’s eat. [trips on a rock] Oops.

[The pie flies into Squidward's face, causing an explosion in Bikini Bottom the size of an atomic bomb]

Squidward:
Ouch.

Robot Krabs:
Okay, now let's hear that formula.

SpongeBob:
Sorry, no can do, Mr. Krabs.

Robot Krabs:
[his eyes are now on fire] WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Plankton:
But we did everything you said-- I followed all the rules! I even ate 105 black licorice jellybeans through a straw! [holds up a straw]

Robot Krabs:
Now why can't you tell me the formula?

SpongeBob:
It's your rule: never speak the formula. You told me to keep it in [holds up a bottle with the secret formula in it] ...this bottle. [Robot Krabs' eyes open widely with a "ding!" sound effect]

Plankton:
This is it, Plankton. [pushes a lever] Gently now... [he continues to push the lever, getting overly excited as he gets closer. The penny that Mr. Krabs was chasing earlier rolls under the door, then Mr. Krabs rushes in and everyone in the kitchen gasps, including the guy on the penny]

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps]

SpongeBob:
[gasps]

Guy on the Penny:
[gasps]

Robot Krabs:
Gasp!

Mr. Krabs:
How could you do this, SpongeBob? Givin' me secret formuler to this...imposter?!

Robot Krabs:
Don't listen to him, SpongeBob. Remember: ravioli, ravioli, give me the formuloli.

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, no! don't listen to him! I'm the real Mr. Krabs!

Robot Krabs:
Don't listen to him. He's obviously a robot. [exhaust pipe smokes]

Mr. Krabs:
Well, if I was a robot, which I'm not, at least I'm well-put together, not some rusted-out, steam-driven pile of junk!

Robot Krabs:
Who are you callin' steam-driven...?

SpongeBob:
[yelling in frustration] QUIET!! Until I know who the real Mr. Krabs is, nobody moves, [holds a hose attached to a tartar sauce machine] nobody gets hurt.

Mr. Krabs and Robot Krabs:
Tartar sauce?!

Mr. Krabs:
Take it easy with that thing, son.

SpongeBob:
[squirts some tartar sauce, causing Mr. Krabs to jump into robot Krabs' arms] I'll do the talking around here. I think I'll ask you two a couple of questions; questions only the real Mr. Krabs could answer.

Mr. Krabs:
[smiles while Robot Krabs looks worried] Okay, then.

SpongeBob:
First question: what time does the Krusty Krab open?

Robot Krabs:
[beats Mr. Krabs to it] 9:30 A.M.

SpongeBob:
Right. [to Mr. Krabs] That's one strike, Mr. Fake.

Mr. Krabs:
But--

SpongeBob:
Nuh-uh-uh! I'm running this quiz show, I'll ask the questions. If there's gonna be any 'buts', they're gonna be from me. [while rubbing the hose nozzle] Okay, now, question two: how much does a Krabby Patty cost?

Mr. Krabs:
$2.99!

SpongeBob:
On Wednesday...

Robot Krabs:
99 cents.

SpongeBob:
Right again! [to Mr. Krabs] You're starting to look pretty phoney right about now. I'd be nervous if I were you. Now, only the really real Mr. Krabs could answer this- if we're discussing the secret formula on the third Wednesday in January and it's not raining outside after we've gargled with vanilla pudding, what do we do?

Mr. Krabs:
That's an easy one. You just...just.. let's see...if it's... uh... if it's January... with... with vanilla pudding... you... uh... pass? [gets shot with tartar sauce]

Mr. Krabs:
What's the meaning of this, SpongeBob?!

SpongeBob:
We're in serious danger. There's a-a-a...a monster out there.

Mr. Krabs:
Is it a paying customer?

SpongeBob:
Oh no, Mr. Krabs. It doesn't want to eat Krabby Patties. It wants to eat you!

Patrick:
[crying] Just like it ate Wormy!

Squidward:
Um, Wormy? [SpongeBob and Patrick cry]

SpongeBob:
Why? Why? He was so young.

Patrick:
We’ll never forget you, Wormy.

Squidward:
Well, if Moron Theater's over, I think I'll just take a look at this "monster."

SpongeBob:
Hey, Patrick, are you angry too?

Patrick:
Yeah.

SpongeBob:
What's the matter?

Patrick:
I can't see my forehead. What's your problem?

SpongeBob:
I got a good idea, and no one else thinks so!

Mr. Krabs:
I'm ready! I'm ready! I'm ready... for me money. [the crowd gathers around him] Welcome to Pretty Patties. May I take your money?

Franco:
We want a refund, Krabs! [crowd form a mob while yelling and protesting in agreement]

Mr. Krabs:
Who, huh, what?

Gus:
Your dumb Pretty Patties turned my face purple! [shows his purple face]

Scottish Man:
Look what I got under me kilt! [raises his kilt to reveal a plaid body, and white underwear]

Clay, John & Frank:
And look at our tongues!

[They show Mr. Krabs their respective tongues. They each show a yellow tongue, an orange tongue with green spots, and a tongue that just looks normal]

Mr. Krabs:
What's wrong with you?

Frank:
[turns off a light to reveal his tongue is glow-in-the-dark green] We want our money back. All 46,853 of us. [turns the light back on, but Mr. Krabs is gone]

Harold:
Hey, where'd he go?

[Mr. Krabs screams and runs, and the crowd chasing him makes a rainbow road]

SpongeBob:
You're wrong! There's nothing wrong with getting kisses from your grandma!

Charlie:
Nooo. 'Specially if you're a BIG BABY who wears DIAPERS! [group laughs] And sucks his thumb, and plays with dolls, and, um... wears pajamas with feet in 'em, and carries his, um... blankie around, and uh...

Group:
[annoyed] ALL RIGHT ALREADY!

Squidward:
Cheer up, SpongeBob. I know someone who still likes you.

SpongeBob:
Really? You do, Squidward?

Squidward:
Yeah, your grandma!

Patrick:
You know how grandmas are, they love babies. You just can't act like a baby around her.

SpongeBob:
You're right, Patrick.

Patrick:
Have I ever not been right? [cut to a picture of SpongeBob on a giant red firecracker, a picture of SpongeBob with a giant funnel in his mouth while Patrick holds a giant pumpkin, and a picture of SpongeBob and Patrick in black speedos while a wolf whistle is heard in the background] You're a man now, SpongeBob, and it's time you starting acting like one.

SpongeBob:
Yeah! Oh, but I'm not sure I know how.

Patrick:
Allow me to demonstrate. First, puff out your chest. [SpongeBob obediently puffs out his chest] And say 'tax exemption'.

SpongeBob:
Tax exemption.

Patrick:
Now you must acquire a taste for free-form jazz.

Patrick:
Okay, SpongeBob, you're ready!

Grandma:
I'll bet you'd fancy a nap, huh, Patrick? [Patrick yawns] You still here, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
Uh, I don't need to leave yet. I can be late for work.

Grandma:
[puts a blanket over Patrick as he lays on the couch] No, no, no, that wouldn't be the adult thing to do.

SpongeBob:
Alright, I guess I'll be going. I've, uh, got a lot of adult-type business to take care of, so, uh, I'll see ya later.

Grandma:
Okay, thanks for stopping by, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob:
Yep, that is it. Here I go.

SpongeBob:
[opens the door] Out into the cold, grown-up world alone without a sweater.

Grandma:
Toodleloo.

SpongeBob:
I don't know when I'll be back.

Grandma:
I know how busy you are.

SpongeBob:
So, uh... that's it. [Patrick is sleeping]

Grandma:
Shh, he's asleep.

SpongeBob:
Soooo loooong... [SpongeBob slowly closes the door of grandma's house, but then slams it with a sad look on his face. He starts throwing a tantrum.] I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! I want cookies! [holds a big cookie and snaps it in half in front of his face] And milky! [holds a giant milk bottle, then comes up with a sweater] I want a sweater with love in the stitches! I wanna wear diapers! [comes up with a diaper on and puts some baby powder into it] I wanna ride in my wagon! [rides in a wagon, then holds a big teddy bear] I wanna cuddle-wuddle with Mr. Stuffykins! I wanna rockey-rock my seahorsey! [rocks on his wooden seahorse with a hat and a lollipop] And I want a kissy on my boo-boo! [shows his bruised finger]

[SpongeBob starts crying hysterically. He lies on the floor and cries while slamming his fists against the ground and then rolls like a wheel. Grandma looks at him sadly. SpongeBob then sits on the floor as his eyes pour tears into his mouth. Grandma thinks for a second. SpongeBob then starts crying like a sprinkler, flooding the entire house.]

Grandma:
Take it easy, SpongeBob! [picks up SpongeBob, who is still crying] SpongeBob? SpongeBob! [she holds SpongeBob's mouth, stopping him from crying] SpongeBob, you don't have to be a baby to get all of Grandma's love.

SpongeBob:
[sniff] I don't?

Grandma:
Of course not. [pushes a cork in the floor and all SpongeBob's tears drain out] No matter how big you get, you will always be my little baby boo, and remember, you can kiss your grandma and still be an adult. [hands SpongeBob his sideburns and a chocolate chip cookie] Here you go. [SpongeBob puts on his sideburns and eats the cookie]

SpongeBob:
Thanks, Grandma. [bites the cookie] Uh, Grandma, could you not mention this to the guys down at the Krusty Krab?

Grandma:
No problem. [hugs SpongeBob. Outside, Squidward and everyone else are laughing as the episode ends]

Squidward:
[in a state of tranquil fury] SpongeBob, this is the final straw. I'm going to move so far away that I will be able to brag about it. I would... [a piece of debris from his house falls on his head] I would rather tear out my brain-stem, carry it out into the middle of the nearest 4-way intersection, and skip rope with it, than continue living where I do now.

[A TV falls on the ground and turns on. On the television is an octopus, who looks like Squidward, but with a hair piece. He is in a suit and stands in front of a rainbow.]

Announcer:
Hi, there. Is this the final straw? Do you want to move so far away that you can brag about it? Would you rather tear out your brain-stem, walk out to the middle of the nearest 3-way-

Squidward:
4-way!

Announcer:
4-way intersection and skip rope with it, than continue living where you do now? Then move to--

Patrick:
[suddenly changes the channel to a static screen] I hate this channel.

Squidward:
No! NO! [changes it back]

Announcer:
...Tentacle Acres. Where happiness is just a suction cup away. [puts his tentacles together and pops them. The pops echo]

[at the gated borders of Tentacle Acres]

SpongeBob:
Here it is, Patrick. Now we've just got to convince Squidward to come back home. You got our apology cake?

[Patrick picks up a cake that reads, 'Sorry.' He puts it back in his pants, revealing a giant cake-shaped bulge in them]

SpongeBob:
We're ready!

Patrick:
Ying. [SpongeBob pushes the button on the intercom]

Guard:
Hello, can I help you?

Patrick:
[thinking it's a restaurant intercom] Can I get a large #1, extra size?

SpongeBob:
But ya just ate three orders of fried oyster skins!

Patrick:
[unleashing a noxious gas cloud as he says this] I love fried oyster skins.

[cut to inside the control room, where the guard sees SpongeBob and Patrick on one of his monitors]

Guard:
We're sorry, but your kind isn't allowed here. [a security guard walks up next to him] He's not leaving, Orville. You got your night stick ready? [the two smell Patrick's breath cloud as it wafts in through the speaker] FRIED OYSTER SKINS?! Ooooohhhhh... [the two collapse, the first guard falling on a button opening the gate]

Patrick:
I guess we gotta order inside.

[Meanwhile, a group of octopuses are angrily chasing after a happy-go-lucky Squidward. He sucks the noses off of three houses whilst running by. SpongeBob and Patrick are walking by when they see Squidward run past them.]

SpongeBob:
Hey! That looked like Squidward! [the mob runs past them] That looked like Squidward also, in angry mob form! [Squidward has approached a dead end]

Policeman:
Hold it right there, Mr. Tentacles!

Squidward:
Stand back! I've got gardening tools! [the policeman hands him an envelope]

Policeman:
Here! Just read this! [Squidward looks at it]

Squidward:
What is it?

Policeman:
A well thought out and organized list of complaints! [the mob shouts out in agreement. SpongeBob and Patrick walk by]

SpongeBob:
Patrick, look! It's Squidward! [he runs up to the octopus and hugs him, but he's a different octopus with eyebrows and mustache, and a shirt like Squidward's] Squidward! We finally found you! [the octopus pushes SpongeBob off him]

Male Octopus:
Get off me, and I'm not Squidward! [pause]

Patrick:
Are you Squidward now?

Squidward:
Grievances?! This town is a grievance! There should be a law against so many stuck-up tightwads living in one place! This city needs to be destroyed! [pause] Or at least painted a different color.

Policeman:
F.Y.I., you don't have to live here, you know. [Squidward, and the crowd, smile]

Squidward:
Hey, you're right! [the crowd members' smiles fade] And I'm leaving A.S.A.P.! [meanwhile, SpongeBob and Patrick are trying to find Squidward]

SpongeBob:
Are you Squidward?

Male Octopus:
No. [he walks up to the croquet woman]

SpongeBob:
Are you Squidward?

Squidette:
No. [Patrick talks to a fire hydrant]

Patrick:
Are you Squidward? [pause] That's okay, take your time. [SpongeBob walks up to him]

SpongeBob:
Any one of these Squidwards can be the real Squidward, Patrick! [the town rumbles as Squidward rockets the leaf blower out of Tentacle Acres and laughs maniacally. The octopuses smile]

Squidward:
Freedom! Woo-hoo! [SpongeBob and Patrick watch him fly over the horizon]

SpongeBob:
Well, we know one thing: it sure isn't that guy. [the episode ends]

Sandy:
We gotta climb some things.

SpongeBob:
Climb.

Sandy:
We gotta jump off some stuff.

SpongeBob:
Jump.

Sandy:
We gotta ride.

SpongeBob:
Ride.

Sandy:
I don't wanna go to sleep yet!

SpongeBob:
Wait, Sandy!

Sandy:
[begins to cry] I can't burn carbs in my sleep!

SpongeBob:
Sandy?

Sandy:
WHAT?!

SpongeBob:
Sandy, I'm willing to sacrifice any of my time that I haven't already sold to Mr. Krabs to you.

Sandy:
Well, I'm glad, SpongeBob, 'cause for the next 7 days, it's gonna be you, me, and these sweatbands!

SpongeBob:
Sandy, are you sure we’re standing up here?

Sandy:
Go! [knocks SpongeBob off]

SpongeBob:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Sandy finds SpongeBob's clothes hanging off of a bush]

Sandy:
SpongeBob's tie... and all his other little dressings? But... SpongeBob always folds his clothes before runnin' around... in the nude. Somethin' terrible must have happened to him! [wipes to the Krusty Krab.] Alright! Listen y’all! I’m rounding up a search party! SpongeBob’s gone missing!

[Squidward smiles]

Mr. Krabs:
Man the lifeboats!

Sandy:
Attention, Bikini Bottom, the time has come to double, no, triple our efforts!

Squidward:
How about a break?! We've been at it for days!

Debbie:
Think about the children!

Sandy:
That's a good idea! Use the children to crawl into small places you couldn't normally reach.

Frank:
[whispering to Sadie] This is a load of barnacles.

Sandy:
I heard that! No one's going anywhere until we find SpongeBob!

Muscular Fish:
Uh... uh, wait! [picks up Francis] Uh, here he is!

Sandy:
That ain't SpongeBob! SpongeBob is square!

Francis:
[in a poor imitation of SpongeBob] I'm ready! I'm ready!

Sandy:
No, you ain't! :[Clay holds up a box of Kelp-O]

Clay:
I found SquareBob!

Sandy:
That's just a cereal box. Besides, he's yellow.

Charlie:
[holds up a banana] Uh... here he is! Hey, can I go home now? [Sandy becomes annoyed]

Tina:
[points up] Oh, look! He's up in the sky! [Sandy happily looks up, but SpongeBob's not in the sky]

Sandy:
He's not... huh? [everyone is gone] They must have gone to search some more.

Patrick:
I wanna go home.

SpongeBob:
We can never go home, Pat; We're wanted men. We'll spend the rest of our lives running. Running, but at least it's warmer on the fire.

Patrick:
Hey, if we’re underwater, how could there be a- [The fire dissolves] I'm scared, SpongeBob.

Officer Rob:
How about some lollipops for the road, boys? [gives 2 lollipops]

SpongeBob:
Let's vow never to borrow anything without permission again.

Patrick:
You said it! [the two cross their lollipops, but Patrick's is already eaten] All right! Which one of you flatfoots stole my lollipop? [they laugh] I mean it.

Squidward:
I can't believe anyone would celebrate a holiday where a jolly prowler breaks into your house and leaves gifts.

Patrick:
Like a genie.

Squidward:
Aww, our first Christmas. ♪This Christmas feels like the very first Christmas! The first Christmas is this Christmas! [donkey appears on screen making noises] Cause it feels like the first Christmas to me!♪ [laughs at SpongeBob and hits his butt over and over again]

SpongeBob:
You were right, Squidward. This was a stupid holiday. [cries; takes out a present] I still want you to have this.

Squidward:
[stops hitting his butt] What? What's this?

SpongeBob:
A present. I made it for you so you wouldn't be left out when... [lifts his inelegant blubbering head up] Santa came! [cries some more]

Squidward:
Oh, gee, I, uh, you know I...

SpongeBob:
You're welcome. [sadly walks off and cries]

Squidward:
SpongeBob? He made me a present? It's probably a jellyfish net, or an old Krabby Patty, or... [imitates a hillbilly] his favorite underpants. Haha. Present. [opens the present] Why, it looks like a clarinet. [smells it] It smells like one, too. Handcrafted out of driftwood. And it's even got my name on it. [finds a button that says "push"] What's this? [pushes the button and three wooden Squidwards with clarinets come out and bob up and down] Wow. This is the greatest gift I've ever gotten. [sniffles] Oh, I feel like a...I feel like a...I feel like a... [donkey appears on screen and makes noises] big jerk!

SpongeBob:
[as Dirty Dan; in a southern voice] Alright Pinhead, your time is up.

Patrick:
[as Pinhead Larry; with a looney, bucktooth face] Who you callin' Pinhead? I wanna be Dirty Dan!

SpongeBob:
What makes you think you can be Dirty Dan?

Patrick:
I'm Dirty... [SpongeBob hits him with a baseball bat made of snow] Dan!

SpongeBob:
I say I'm Dirty Dan.

Patrick:
[rushes to get a spiked-bat made of snow] I say I'm Dirty Dan.

SpongeBob:
[hits Patrick] I say I'm Dirty Dan.

Patrick:
[hits SpongeBob] I'm Dirty Dan!

SpongeBob:
I'm Dirty Dan!

Patrick:
I'm Dirty Dan!

[They continue to hit each other while saying "I'm Dirty Dan!". The commotion wakes Sandy up.]

Patrick:
I'm Dirty Dan! [SpongeBob screams in horror] Screaming will get you nowh-

[Sandy grabs the top of Patrick's head and rips it off, huffing and growling as she stands behind Patrick, towering over him with sharpened teeth bared in a snarl]

Sandy:
WHICH ONE OF YOU FELLERS IS THE REAL DIRTY DAN?

Patrick:
Uh... I am?

[Sandy immediately slaps Patrick so hard that he's sent flying across the dome, screaming]

SpongeBob:
PATRICK!

[Patrick slams against the dome hard enough to leave a dent and little drumsticks float around his head]

Patrick:
[dazed] Hot wings...

Sandy:
OKAY, PINHEAD LARRY! NOW YOU GET YOURS!

[SpongeBob's pupils shrink; SpongeBob screams and and jumps away, barely escaping being crushed by Sandy's fist.]

Sandy:
PIIIINHEEEEAAAAAAD!

Patrick:
Okay, SpongeBob, you can be Dirty Dan. I just wanna be Patrick.

SpongeBob:
Let's get out of here before Sandy wakes up again!

[They run to the door and SpongeBob tries to open it, but his hands slip off the wheel and accidentally hits Patrick in the face]

Patrick:
Ouch!

SpongeBob:
Sorry, Patrick, but the door is slippery! It's frozen shut!

Patrick:
Let me have a try. [he goes up to the door and spits on both hands, preparing to open the door] Open sesame! [nothing happens] Well, I've done all I can do.

SpongeBob:
Then we're stuck in here... until the door thaws... in spring.

Patrick:
Barnacles.

Sandy:
[screams as all the fur comes off her]

SpongeBob:
It's okay, Sandy! Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals!

Sandy:
[ticked off] SPONGEBOB... PATRICK...

SpongeBob:
Don't worry, Sandy. We've got you covered.

Patrick:
Would it be all right if Gary and I did some laundry over here?

SpongeBob:
Laundry? But we used to do laundry!

Patrick:
And, uh... SpongeBob, could we borrow some soap?

SpongeBob:
[on the verge of breaking down] Soap? But we used to use soap! [holds up two different types of soap] Do you want Fresh Scent or Heavy Du... Du...

Patrick:
Here it comes.

SpongeBob:
...Du... Du... Du.... [breaks out in a fountain of tears, each falling into the separate soapboxes and lathering them up in his hand] ...TYYYYYYYY! GARY, PLEASE COME BACK GARY! GARY, PLEASE COME HOME! I'M A WRECK WITHOUT YOU! [stops crying] I know! If you come back, there'll be a new no-rules rule. You can do whatever you want, when you want! [runs up to the sofa and tears it up furiously] If you feel like rippin' the sofa, then you rip it up! [runs up to the litter box] And the litter box? Forget about it! [he dumps the litter on his head] The world is your litter box! [he runs to the fridge and opens it] And you don't even have to wait around for me to feed you anymore! 24-hour fridge access! [he takes a milk carton and drinks it] And you don't even have to use a bowl! [he runs to a giant carving of Squidward] And I know how much you like my prized driftwood carving of Squidward. [scratches at it] Well, think of it as your own personal scratching post! What do you think, Gary? Won't it be fun, Gary? [we see SpongeBob has carved Squidward into a heart]

Patrick:
How pathetic.

SpongeBob:
Gary? [the heart breaks in half and one half hits him. The two walk to the laundry room]

Patrick:
[patronisingly] I'm sorry, SpongeBob. But Gary's with me now. You had your chance and you failed. You have to stop living in the past. Face it, SpongeBob, you're only hurting yourself. [he takes off his shorts and puts them in the machine; Gary crawls in after them] It's what Gary wants, and what Gary wants is me. Right, Gary? Huh? [the two notice Gary is in the machine, nudging in Patrick's shorts] He only liked me for my shorts!

SpongeBob:
No, Patrick. He wanted the cookie in your pocket! [Gary is indeed eating the cookie. He finishes and crawls out up to SpongeBob]

Gary:
Meow.

SpongeBob:
G-G-Gary? [Gary burps and happily meows] Whee! [hugs Gary] Oh, Gary, I knew you'd never leave me! Aww... [giggles, he takes his leash] Let's go for a walk, pal! [the two walk out of the house and Patrick is left alone heartbroken and devastated]

Patrick:
Gary? I THOUGHT WHAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL...! [the episode ends]

SpongeBob:
Okay, Mrs. Puff, what's my final score?

Mrs. Puff:
Six.

SpongeBob:
Whoo! And how many do I need to pass?

Mrs. Puff:
Six.

SpongeBob:
[raising arms slowly] Whoo.

Mrs. Puff:
Hundred. [SpongeBob stops]

SpongeBob:
What?

Mrs. Puff:
600. You need 600 to pass. You got six.

SpongeBob:
Don't worry. I'll be all right, Mrs. Puff. Besides, this means that I get to be in your class for a whole 'nother year! [he slams his fist down, which causes a piece of the motor to fly upward] Well, see you next Tuesday! [SpongeBob walks off and the piece crashes on Mrs. Puff. She inflates like she always does when SpongeBob crashes. SpongeBob runs out to his unicycle-like bike] Yeah! [singing] I'm gonna get my driver's license and it's only gonna take one more year, one more year, one more super duper year. [goes around in circles on his bike] One more super-spectacular, extra-magical, extra-fantastical year! [Mrs. Puff looks on, still inflated]

Mrs. Puff:
[thinking] Oh, Neptune. Another year with him! Barnacles! Dirty barnacles! I've got to do something to save myself. Oh, there's only one way out: a teacher's ace in the hole! [starts to talk, when she does, she deflates to her normal size] ♪ Extra crediiiiit! ♪

SpongeBob:
What was that, Mrs. Puff? [Mrs. Puff runs over and shakes him in joy]

Mrs. Puff:
Extra credit, SpongeBob! The extra credit! [laughing wildly] I still have a chance! I mean, you still have a chance.

SpongeBob:
[muffled] What's extra credit?

Mrs. Puff:
It's when you get credit for the things you weren't able to do before.

SpongeBob:
[singing] ♪ Oh… ♪

SpongeBob:
But Kevin, I was your biggest fan.

Kevin:
So were they. [points down to some fans he has managed to get rid of, trapped at the bottom of the ledge at a campfire]

Fish:
Hey, look everyone! Kevin's back! [they cheer]

Man Ray:
[sits on the floor with a hand over his face, pretending to cry] Boo-hoo-hoo. Oh, sob. Oh, cry. [peeks through his fingers to see if SpongeBob and Patrick are watching] Oh, woe is me. You don't know what it's like, being evil for so long. Oh, how I wish to be good. If only some kind heroes would show me the path to decency.

[SpongeBob and Patrick beam at one another]

SpongeBob:
We could teach you how to be good and then we'll let you go.

Man Ray:
Oh, that would be fantastic. [to himself] I'll fake my way through this, just like I did in high school.

SpongeBob:
Okay, Man Ray! Are you ready for your first day at Goodness School?

[Man Ray pulls an apple out from behind him and places it on his desk]

SpongeBob:
Pat, get your wallet out. [SpongeBob nudges Patrick with his elbow, and Patrick pulls his wallet out] Okay. Goodness lesson #1: You see someone drop their wallet! [whispers to Patrick] Patrick, drop the wallet.

[Patrick throws his wallet on the ground]

Spongebob:
Now, what would you do?

Man Ray:
[holding Patrick's wallet up to him] Excuse me sir, but I do believe you've dropped your wallet!

Patrick:
Doesn't look familiar to me.

Man Ray:
What? I just saw you drop it, here.

Patrick:
Nope, it's not mine.

Man Ray:
It is yours. I'm trying to be a good person and return it to you.

Patrick:
Return what to who?

[Man Ray slaps his face in annoyance, then pulls Patrick's ID out of the wallet]

Man Ray:
Aren't you "Patrick Star"?

Patrick:
Yep.

Man Ray:
...And this is your ID.

Patrick:
Yep.

Man Ray:
I found this ID in this wallet, and if that's the case this must be your wallet.

Patrick:
That makes sense to me.

Man Ray:
Then take it.

Patrick:
It's not my wallet!

Man Ray:
[in anger and frustration] You dim bulb! Take back your wallet or I'll rip your arms off! [Man Ray then stops to clench his stomach in reaction to SpongeBob pressing the button that activate the tickle belt Man Ray is wearing, then falls backwards laughing]

SpongeBob:
Ah-ah! Wrong! Good people don't rip other people's arms off!

[Man Ray continues to laugh uncontrollably, pleading to make it stop]

[Patrick is angry and severely injured because of Man Ray]

SpongeBob:
Alright, goodness lesson number three. Uh, let's see...

Patrick:
[grabs the remote] I've got one. I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 100. What is it?

Man Ray:
Um... 62?

Patrick:
Wrong! [pushes button]

SpongeBob:
Hey, why does it take more than one squirrel to change a lightbulb?

Fish:
Why?

SpongeBob:
Because, they're so darn stupid.

SpongeBob:
[He is seen dried up] Sandy! I need wa...

Sandy:
Oh that's right! You are a sea critter. Now what was that thing sea critters need? Ummm... Let's see. Sea critters need [Close up to Sandy's Adams Apple going up and down. SpongeBob is now dried up]

SpongeBob:
Waaaaa..[Sandy covers his mouth]

Sandy:
Oh wait. Don't tell me. I know this one.

SpongeBob:
Waaaaaaaaaa

Sandy:
A wallet? A watch? Waffle?

SpongeBob:
Sandy! Water!

Sandy:
[Shows him a hose] Well, why didn't you just say so? [Chuckles as she puts the hose head in SpongeBob's mouth] Here you go. Yep, us squirrels sure is stupid. [She then turns on the hose. A big squirt of water goes into SpongeBob's mouth.] Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

SpongeBob:
[Starts to absorb the water.] Sandy.

Sandy:
[Not listening to him] Squirrels is dumb.

SpongeBob:
[Grows big due to him absorbing lots of water.] Sandy. Okay, Sandy, I get it.

SpongeBob:
No more squirrel jokes

Sandy:
I'm a squirrel. See? [points to the acorn logo on her suit]

SpongeBob:
I thought that meant you were nuts.

Zoo Worker 1:
What's wrong with Clamu?

Joe:
Easy, girl! It's me, Joe! Remember?

[Clamu snarls as if it sounds like a belch and uses her tongue to throw Joe out of Oyster Stadium. Patrick and a nervous SpongeBob wait at the stands]

Patrick:
Now, this is a show!

[Outside...]

Announcer:
Attention, zoo patrons! Clamu, the giant oyster is on an emotional rampage! Please scream and run around in circles. [everybody does that] Thanks for coming.

[In the stadium, Clamu is still smashing things and making snarling belch noises. The zoo worker goes up to SpongeBob and Patrick]

Zoo Worker 1:
You boys better get out of this area, pronto! There's nothing more dangerous than an emotionally disturbed oyster. [points at SpongeBob] You didn't do anything that might have caused this horrible tragedy, did you?!

SpongeBob:
Uh...

Patrick:
No way! Only a jerk would upset a gentle giant. Right, SpongeBob?

SpongeBob:
[hides the peanut bag] Right. [lets out a nervous shriek]

[Clamu chomps on a piece of metal. Cut to Patrick and SpongeBob leaving the zoo]

Patrick:
If I saw that guy, I'd have a few choice words for him. Like "you" and "are", and..."a jerk"!

Patrick:
This is it! All of the clues are coming together. I followed these footprints right to this exact spot, and then, right where you're standing, I found this bag of peanuts! Ha! Oh, I'm so close to solving this crime, I can almost taste it. [zoom in on Patrick seemingly licking SpongeBob's head. Zoom out to reveal that he is actually licking a yellow ice cream pop] Boy, crime fighting sure makes me hungry, and this yellow Popsicle hits the spot.

Zoo Worker 1:
Mr. Krabs has stolen a very important item from the oyster. [rips off Mr. Krabs' clothes by accident] Behold! [the crowd gets disgusted] Wait a minute... [reveals Clamu's pearl] Behold! The oyster's pearl! [the crowd gasps in shock; the zoo worker then gives the pearl to Clamu] Here you go, girl.

[Clamu sniffs her pearl and the crowd cheers. But suddenly, the pearl starts to crack. And to everyone's amazement, it hatches into a baby oyster]

Baby Oyster:
Mama. Mama.

SpongeBob:
Mother of pearl! The oyster's a mother! And that pearl's no pearl, it's an egg!

Baby Oyster:
Mama.

[The baby oyster and Clamu embrace each other]

All:
Awww... [they glare at Mr. Krabs]

Mr. Krabs:
But it's Free Day!

[The crowd boos as they throw peanuts at Mr. Krabs, burying him, thus ending the episode]

Dutchman:
I’ve been thinkin'. STOP BOUNCIN'!! [they both stop] This whole crew for eternity thing isn't working out...It's not really you so much as it is me.

SpongeBob:
You're setting us free?

Dutchman:
Well actually, I'm just gonna eat you. See you at dinner. [leaves]

[SpongeBob, in his attempt to get Gary to bathe, tries hypnotizing him]

SpongeBob:
I am now going to assault your mind with subliminal messages. [images of a bathtub, a shower, a bar of soap, and then a picture of a girl with pigtails and crooked teeth appear] [walking away] Sorry you had to see that.

SpongeBob:
Plankton?! [Plankton appears in an imagine bubble] But Mr. Krabs, he’s your arch enemy, he”s been trying to steal the Krabby Patty Formula for years. [swats Plankton]

Plankton:
Ouch.

[Cut to the morning where Mr. Krabs walks to work crying, and SpongeBob walks in laughing.]

SpongeBob:
Takin' him to the cleaners! That's a hot one! [Mr. Krabs leans against the Krusty Krab doors] How'd the card game go last night, Mr. Krabs?

Mr. Krabs:
I lost.

SpongeBob:
Barnacles, Mr. Krabs! How much money did ya lose?

Mr. Krabs:
I didn't lose any money. [sheds away a tear] I lost...

SpongeBob:
Don't tell me you lost the Krusty Krab!

Mr. Krabs:
I lost... [SpongeBob grabs him]

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs, please tell me you didn't lose the... Krabby Patty secret formula!

Mr. Krabs:
I... lost... [points to SpongeBob] YOU!

SpongeBob:
What?

Mr. Krabs:
I bet your contract, and I lost.

SpongeBob:
[stares blankly, then laughs] Good one, Mr. Krabs. Well, I gotta go make those Krabby Patties. [begins to walk to the door, but Mr. Krabs' claw stops him. After continually walking and getting nowhere, he falls to the floor]

Mr. Krabs:
I'm afraid... you don't work here anymore.

Squidward:
[runs out the door to the two] Please tell me this isn't a joke.

SpongeBob:
Go on, Mr. Krabs. Tell him. Tell him all about your cruel, sick joke.

Plankton:
[walks over] As much as I love cruel, sick jokes, I'm afraid he's not joking. [points at SpongeBob] You work for me now, SpongeBob. [whips out a bucket with the initials "CB" on it] Time to put on the official Chum Bucket bucket helmet. [jumps onto SpongeBob's head, kicks off the Krusty Krew hat and puts the bucket on his head. SpongeBob screams and runs to Mr. Krabs while knocking Plankton and the bucket off his head]

SpongeBob:
But Mr. Krabs, I don't wanna work for him! [tugs at Krabs' shirt collar] I wanna work for you, here at the Krusty Krab! [he and Krabs start crying loudly and hug]

Mr. Krabs:
I'm sorry, boy! It's all my fault!

Plankton:
[pretending to sound genuinely sad] What kind of cold, heartless person would break apart such a loving relationship? [whips out a crowbar] I would! [jumps up and uses the crowbar to pry SpongeBob off Krabs. SpongeBob goes flying with Mr. Krabs' arms still clung to him]

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob!

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs! [slams into a cage and Krabs' arms fly off him. Plankton walks over and shuts the door]

Plankton:
This is your greatest blunder, Krabs. For fifteen years, I've been throwin' those card games just waitin' for you to slip up. I may not have the precious Krabby Patty formula, but I've got the next best thing: the guy who makes 'em! [a propeller emerges from the cage] I'm gonna run you out of business, Krabs! [the propeller spins and pilots SpongeBob into the Chum Bucket]

SpongeBob:
Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob! [cries and then stops] Can I have my arms back? [Plankton walks over and throws the arms on Krabs' head.]

Plankton:
What is he doing? All these tears... and the showtunes? Why isn't he making the patties?! Forget it. I'm going with plan B, I'll put his brain in the robot chef.

Karen:
You know that never works! The answer is obvious: to get to the SpongeBob, you must show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give you what you want.

Plankton:
Will you be quiet? I'm thinking! I've got it! To get to the SpongeBob, I'll show him compassion and understanding, then he'll give me what I want.

Plankton:
I put the brain in the robot, you know. You shouldn't have been a spoiled brat. You see, I always get what I want. And I want you to make me a Krabby Patty!

Robot SpongeBob:
[turning on] Bee-beep-doodle-le-dee-doo... RESPONSE - WHY DON'T YOU ASK ME LATER?

Plankton:
What? WHAT?!

Robot SpongeBob:
GET WELDED.

Plankton:
WAIT! I COMMAND YOU MAKE ME A KRABBY PATTY!

Robot SpongeBob:
[while reading some comics and takes a drink from his soda] I DON'T WANNA.

[Plankton screams out of madness and decides to give up]

[SpongeBob draws a jellyfish in the ground with the giant pencil]

SpongeBob:
It's a jellyfish!

Patrick:
Pretty good, SpongeBob, but its lacking basic construction, and your perspective leaves a lot to be desired.

SpongeBob:
Huh! Everybody's a critic.

Patrick:
[notices the jellyfish drawing is coming to life] SpongeBob! Your drawing's coming to life!

SpongeBob:
[oblivious] Now, that's more like it, Mr. Critic!

Patrick:
[pointing to the jellyfish] No, I mean it's swimming away!

SpongeBob:
Do you know what this means, Patrick?

Patrick:
Your art can never hang in a museum.

[In the real world, the artist from earlier is curled up in a fetal position]

French Narrator:
We rejoin the artist in a creative slump.

Artist:
[the pencil reaches the surface and lands on him] Huh, what's... what's this? [jumps up and holds his pencil in joy] MY PENCIL! [tries to draw, but unfortunately, the pencil lead breaks]

French Narrator:
[as the artist starts to cry] The second most important rule for the artist at sea: Always bring a pencil sharpener.

Artist:
NOOOOOOOOO!

Patrick:
You may be an open book, SpongeBob, but I'm a bit more complicated than that. The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma. [a thought bubble appears, showing a live action milk carton falling over and spilling]

SpongeBob:
[bounces around while, multiple sound effects come out. A picture of SpongeBob and Patrick smiling falls onto SpongeBob's head, then a box falls down onto SpongeBob's legs, cuts to Patrick sleeping, cuts to SpongeBob] Gee, Patrick sure is a heavy sleeper.

Patrick:
Huh? Who said that? Who's there?

SpomngeBob:
Uh!

Patrick:
It's the clam burglar! And he's stealing my secret box. [zips to SpongeBob] Hand over the good secret box bandit, and prepare for the most unpleasant pillow fight of your life! [squeezes his pillow like an accordion]

SpongeBob:
Wait, wait, wait, Patrick, stop, it's me, SpongeBob!

Patrick:
Nice try, burglar! But SpongeBob's my best friend, and he'd never steal from me! [lifts up his pillow]

Patrick:
[laughs evily] Good thing he didn't pull the secret string, opening the secret compartment of my secret box [takes out a photo] revealing one embarrassing snapshot of SpongeBob at that Christmas Party! [laughs] Merry Christmas, SpongeBob!

Squidward:
[on phone] Hello, you've reached the house of unrecognized talent. Please start after the- [blows clarinet]

Squilliam Fancyson:
Sounds as though you've got a dying animal to attend to, eh, old chum?

Squidward:
Squilliam Fancyson from band class?

Squilliam:
I heard you're playing the cash register now.

Squidward:
Yeah, well, sometimes. How's the unibrow?

Squilliam:
It's big and valuable. I'm the leader of a big, fancy band now, and we're supposed to play at the Bubble Bowl next week.

Squidward:
The buh-buh-buh, the buh-buh-buh, the buh-buh-buh-

Squilliam:
That's right. I'm living your dream, Squidward. The problem is I'm busy next week and can't make, so I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.

Squidward:
Oh, I, uh, uh, uh...

Squilliam:
I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the service industry now!

Squidward:
HOLD IT! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food! I do have a band, and we're going to play at that Bubble Bowl! How do you like that, FancyBoy?

Squilliam:
Good luck next Tuesday! I hope the audience brings lots of...IBUPROFEN! [hangs up]

Squidward:
Okay now, how many of you have played musical instruments before?

Plankton:
[raises his hand] Do instruments of torture count?

Squidward:
No.

Patrick:
[raises his hand] Is mayonnaise an instrument?

Squidward:
No, Patrick, mayonnaise is not an instrument. [Patrick raises his hand again] Horseradish is not an instrument, either.

Squidward:
Okay, new theory: Maybe we should play so quietly, no one can hear us.

Harold:
Well maybe we wouldn't sound so bad if SOME people didn't try to play with big meaty claws!

Mr. Krabs:
What did you say, punk?

Harold:
Big... meaty... CLAWS!

Mr. Krabs:
Well these claws ain't for just attracting mates!

Harold:
Bring it on, old man! Bring it on!

SpongeBob:
No, people. Let's be smart and bring it off!

SpongeBob:
Now let’s make Squidward proud. [conducts the audience. 5 brass, 3 have percussion, (dark brown fish, bass drum. Sandy Cheeks, bass drum)] A one! A two! A squidilli diddly doo!

SpongeBob:
Do you have references?

Squiudward:
When was you on the phone, and you on the bus, then who was flickering the lights?

Squidward, SpongeBob, and Richard:
[they look at Nosferatu] Nosferatu! [Nosferatu smiles, and the lights go off while ending the episode]

SpongeBob:
Hey, that's my driving teacher, Mrs. Puff!

Mr. Krabs:
Mrs. Puff? [disappointed] Aww, she's married...

SpongeBob:
Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. She's single.

Mr. Krabs:
Then, what happened to Mr. Puff?

[cut to a live-action shot of a pufferfish, being used as a lamp]

SpongeBob:
She doesn't like to talk about it.

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob! I'm glad I caught ya. I want ya to buy Mrs. Puff-

SpongeBob:
[holds up his arms] WAIT! DON'T TELL ME! You want me to RUN down to the store, and buy Mrs. Puff something she doesn't need, then you want me to RUN back here [flails his legs back and forth] so you can say (pulls his eyes through the top of his head so they look like Krabs' eyes and mimics Krabs' voice) "ARRR, SPONGEBOB, YER SPENDIN' ALL ME MONEY!" And then I'll say "But Mr. Krabs! I'm only doing WHAT YOU SAID!" Then you'll say "We're not talkin' about THIS [draws a triangle with dashed lines in the air with his finger), or THIS (draws a square with dashed lines), we're talking about THIIIIIIIS!" (draws a ton of directionless squiggly lines)

SpongeBob:
[speaks into microphone] Attention, customers, today's special is a [dolphin chirp] Krabby Patty served in a greasy [dolphin chirp] sauce and grilled to [dolphin chirp] perfection. [One customer drops his patty. Another is so shocked even the food he's chewing freezes midair. A mother octopus covers her laughing children's ears] And don't forget to ask us to [dolphin chirp] the [dolphin chirp] fries. It will be our [dolphin chirp] pleasure. [a giant human ear pops out of Squidward's head; he pushes it back in] Hi, Squidward, how the [dolphin chirp] are ya?

Patrick:
Nice [dolphin chirp] day we're having, isn't it, Squidward?

Mr. Krabs:
Huh? The Krusty Krab, she's empty! All hands on deck! Batten the front doors! Brace the cash register! Break out the happy snacks! Squidward, where have all me beautiful paying customers gone?

Squidward:
Apparently, the two barnacle-mouth brothers just learned a new word, and SpongeBob just said it over the intercom.

Mr. Krabs:
Well, what was it? What did he say?

Squidward:
Uh, he said, uh, well, he said... [whispers the word]

Mr. Krabs:
Huh?

Squidward:
[whispers the word again]

Mr. Krabs:
[gasps] SpongeBob and friend! Front and center! Why, I oughta make the two of you paint the Krusty Krab for using such language!

SpongeBob:
But, Mr. Krabs, we were only using our sentence enhancers.

Patrick:
Yeah, it's fancy talk.

Mr. Krabs:
There ain't nothing fancy about that word!

SpongeBob:
You mean [dolphin chirp]?

Mr. Krabs:
Yes, that one! Now quit saying that! It's a bad word!

SpongeBob and Patrick:
Bad word?!

Mr. Krabs:
Yes, siree, that's bad word number 11. In fact, there are 13 bad words you should never use.

Squidward:
Don't you mean there are only 7?

Mr. Krabs:
Not if you're a sailor. [laughs]

SpongeBob:
Wow, 13.

Patrick:
That's a lot of [dolphin noise] bad words.

Mr. Krabs:
Okay, boys, I want you to promise me you'll never use that word again.

SpongeBob and Patrick:
We promise.

Squidward:
Now repeat after me. I have no talent.

SpongeBob:
I have no talent.

Squidward:
Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

SpongeBob:
Mr. Tentacles has all the talent.

Squidward:
If I'm lucky, some of Mr. Tentacle's talent will rub off on me.

SpongeBob:
If I'm lucky, Mr. Talent will rub his tentacles on my art.

[Pause]

Squidward:
[unenthusiastically] Whatever.

Squidward:
Your search is over. I am Bikini Bottom's greatest artist. I call this one: "Squidward en repose".

Monty:
I, uh, don't think that will fit in with the other pieces in my collection.

Squidward:
Why not?

Monty:
Because it's an art collection. [laughs]

Squidward:
How about this one? I call it "Bold and Brash".

Monty:
More like: "Belongs in the Trash". [Laughs]

SpongeBob:
But sir, how many jellyfish do you need?

Mr. Krabs:
SpongeBob, we have a whole ego system for the hungry paying customers. OH NO! DON'T TELL ME: [gasping] YOU'VE STOPPED CARING FOR ME COSTUMER!

SpongeBob:
AAAH! NO, NEVER!

Mr. Krabs:
Then go out there, and get me some more jellies!

SpongeBob :
Okay, Mr. Krabs. Just make sure the jellyfish are comfortable. They are O’so sensitive.

Mr. Krabs:
Oh, I’ll keep them comfortable, alright, inside me wallet.

Mr. Krabs:
What don't you understand about "More"!? [multiple of SpongeBobs are watching jellyfishes] MORE! MORE! More! More! More. More! More! [grimaces and demands more] More, more, more, more, more! MORE!!

[Cut to night. A sign reading "Jellyfish Fields:
Population 4" is seen. The word "000,000" is crossed out]

SpongeBob:
Well, there's no more! Now, that's jellyfishing!

[No Name follows SpongeBob.]

Patrick:
D'oh, come on, you're just flipping Patties.

SpongeBob:
Hey, flipping is not as easy as it sounds! [Patrick flips over a rock with his foot and makes a sizzling noise] Why don't you go home, Patrick? You can compete in the "Laying Under a Rock All Day" Games.

Patrick:
Well, at least, I don't polish my fingernails!

SpongeBob:
[gasps] You take that back! [a gleam shows at the tip of his fingernails]

Patrick:
[mocking] Fingernails, fingernails, fingernails!

SpongeBob:
You don't even have fingernails!

Patrick:
I cannot believe what I am hearing!

SpongeBob:
How can you hear?! You don't have ears either!

Patrick:
Er...Holes, holes!

SpongeBob:
Conehead!

Patrick:
Yellow!

SpongeBob:
Pink!

[Heavy metal music plays. The bell rings. SpongeBob tears off his blue robe, showing off his extremely large, muscular body. Patrick rips off his own green robe, underneath which he is wearing a business suit. He tears off the business suit, also revealing an extremely large, muscular body. The two dive at each other, screaming, until they collide. They wrestle and continue to wind up in twisted positions. They spin around and wind up wrestling with themselves. They realize this, and dive back at each other. Patrick sits on top of SpongeBob, holding his foot]

Patrick:
Forget the Chum Bucket! This is personal. [takes off SpongeBob's shoe and licks his foot slowly]

[SpongeBob screams in agony. The two wrestle again. SpongeBob sits on Patrick's chest and screams as he lifts up a pencil with the eraser side pointing toward Patrick; he slowly brings it down to his name tag and erases the "Pat" in "Patrick," leaving "rick".]

Patrick:
NO!! My name's... not... RICK!!!

[Patrick tackles SpongeBob in a puff of smoke and the two wrestle once more before they stop.]

SpongeBob:
I don't like you!

Patrick:
I don't like you more!

SpongeBob:
I never liked you!

Patrick:
I 1,000 times never liked you!

SpongeBob:
Pink!

Patrick:
Yellow!

[They struggle to push each other until both of their pants rip and fall down. Patrick's underwear is yellow. SpongeBob's underwear is pink.]

SpongeBob:
Yellow.

Patrick:
Pink?

SpongeBob and Patrick:
[their eyes start to water] You do care! [both start crying and hug each other]

SpongeBob:
Let's promise never to fight again, buddy!

Patrick:
Yeah, pal! Let's go home!

[both walk away holding hands and whistling while the audience boos]

Mr. Krabs:
Hey! Where ya going?

Plankton:
Get back here and kill each other!!

Patrick:
You're my best friend ever!

SpongeBob:
You too, Patrick!

Patrick:
You know, these were white when I bought 'em.

Squidward:
Nobody cares about the fate of laborers as long as they can get their instant gratification.

Sandy:
SpongeBob, quit your worrying. I can take care of myself. After all, Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]

SpongeBob:
You are.

Sandy:
And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "K" in "karate"?

SpongeBob:
[body is shaped like a "U"] You did.

Sandy:
And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?

[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks" printed on it]

SpongeBob:
You do.

Grandma:
Come again if you get the chance.