Stargate SG-1, Season 10

[Sam is stranded in space, while Mitchell and the Odyssey crew are trying to rescue her.]

Lt. Colonel Carter:
If you're thinking what I think you're thinking, it won't work.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Marks, do you mind? [takes piloting controls] Hang on Sam, we're coming to get you.

[Odyssey starts moving towards Sam.]

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Oh, boy.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Look, the sub-light engines don't have that much control. If you hit me, even at minimum velocity...

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
[into radio] I'm not going to hit you. [to himself] Not on purpose.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Even if you get me in past the shield, the artificial gravity will kick in. A fall from even thirty feet in this suit...

Lt. Colonel Mithcell:
Sam, stop worrying. Kvasir is riding the controls manually.

Kvasir:
You're going too fast.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
This tub doesn't go any slower.

Woolsey:
The IOA is considering bringing the Atlantis ZPM to Earth, for use in the Antarctic Earth defense system.

General Landry:
Even if we had a ship, it would take a minimum of three weeks for the ZPM to get here. And there's no guarantee the Ancient weapons platform in Antarctica would be any more effective against the Ori ships than what we've already thrown at them. As usual, the IOA is wasting their breath. You know, if I had the salaries they pay those idiot blowhard politicians to put into my budget... I'm sorry, did I say that out loud?

Bra'tac:
We cannot merely stand by as our brothers and sisters fall.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
I'm going with them.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Me too.

Colonel Emerson:
It's suicide.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Well, for Teal'c and Bra'tac, that's not really an argument against going.

Colonel Emerson:
What about you?

Lt. Colonel Carter:
However remote, there is still a chance that Daniel's alive on board one of those Ori ships. He may need our help.

Colonel Emerson:
You really believe that?

Lt. Colonel Carter:
You don't know him like we do.

Vala:
Isn't there a part of you that's from me?

Adria:
Of course. You are my mother.

Vala :
And as your mother, you will listen to me, young lady. There will be no leading of these ships and armies on a mass-murdering crusade! Or else!

[Adria remains unmoved]

Vala:
Eh, it was worth a try.

Dr. Jackson:
What happened to you?

Vala:
Oh, I had a baby! You know, I never thought I'd agree with my father, but now I'm starting to remember about how he used to go about how you nurture them and then you raise them and you teach them that best that you can and then all they do is break your heart. I always assumed that his experience was tainted by me.

Dr. Jackson:
What are you talking about?

Vala:
Well, she started off all sweet and innocent but now she's hellbent on domination of the galaxy.

Dr. Jackson:
How old is she?

Vala:
A few hours. [Dr. Jackson gives her a confused look.] The Ori used me to sneak one of their own across the border. This child is their way of cheating the ascended rulebook. They couldn't exactly cross over into our galaxy without getting into a confrontation with the Ancients, right? So they created a human representative with their knowledge to lead their armies.

Dr. Jackson:
Sort of an uber-Prior, like the Doci?

Vala:
Oh, but she's MUCH worse than that. The Priors are just pawns, but she knows the score. She's complicit with the Ori; you should have heard the propaganda that she just tried to feed me.

Dr. Jackson:
Wait, wait, waitaminute, we're talking about a baby here, right?

Vala:
Oh. She's been genetically altered. She'll be a fully-grown figurehead in a day or so. If she takes after her mother, she'll have a pretty good figure too.

Dr. Jackson:
This is bad.

Vala:
You're telling me! Origin is about to become a lot more appealing to the males of this galaxy.

Dr. Jackson:
Do you have any idea where we're going?

Vala:
No, that she wouldn't tell me. She knows I'm not on her side; she's just hoping I'll see the light. But part of her can't help but feel tied to me. She wanted me to give her a name.

Dr. Jackson:
And?

Vala:
Adria. Told her it was my mother's.

Dr. Jackson:
Not.

Vala:
Stepmother. Witch of a woman.

Dr. Jackson:
You know the more I get to know you, the more I'm starting to understand.

Vala:
Huh?

Dr. Jackson:
Nothing.

Vala Mal Doran:
What do you know of the Jaffa?

Adria:
They are proud people. Confused about the ways to salvation. They have been misled by parasites posing as gods for several generations. But in their hearts, I believe that they know ascension is the true path to salvation.

Vala Mal Doran:
Then why are you slaughtering them?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
So, we're outmatched in manpower, firepower, and technology. Do we have any sort of battle strategy, or are we just planning on dropping out of hyperspace and getting our asses kicked again?

Teal'c:
There never usually are rules in war.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Unfortunately right now, there is no war. In a war, you have two sides fighting. All we have is a lot of winning by the bad guys.

Dr. Jackson:
I got it! I made the connection! Sir Gawain to Gwalchmei. Culwhch and Olwen. Verus Gen Bree!

Lt. Colonel Carter:
[to Mitchell] And you say I'm hard to understand.

Dr. Jackson:
That's when it hit me: Sir Gawain.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Wasn't he one of the Knights who say "Ni"?

Dr. Jackson:
Look, I know she's no angel. She's-she's lied, she's stolen, she's cheated, she's misrepresented herself, she's… lied.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
This place is deader than a Texas salad bar.

Vala:
["Studying" for her Psych evaluation] You are in the desert, you see a tortoise lying on its back in the hot sand. You recognize its plight but do nothing to help. Why? [pauses] Hmm. Why? Oh. [starts writing] Because you are also a tortoise.

Dr. Hutchison:
So, how are you feeling?

Vala:
[eagerly] Very well! Very well…well, you know, all things considered. Heh. I mean, you'd assume I'd be a prime candidate for acculturation difficulty, enduring feelings of…displacement and alienation. Perhaps even a little paranoid ideation. Hmm? But the truth is, I was able to adopt an abstract attitude which allowed me to…release some of my repressed feelings, ultimately providing me with a cathartic actualization. How are you feeling?

Dr. Hutchison:
I'm fine.

Teal'c:
Perhaps we should rest.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
[starts to sit down, then stands up again] No...that's a bad idea. And I'm starting regret staying up late to watch Deuce Biglaow: European Gigolo last night. Check that, I regretted it almost immediately.

[General Landry has just informed Vala that she has been accepted at the SGC]

Vala:
I-I'm a little… overwhelmed. Heh. But, as my first… official act, I'd like to report a rather disagreeable little man.

Richard Woolsey:
[entering, smugly] That would be me.

General Landry:
Mr. Woolsey's offer was part of the test. We wanted to make sure we could trust you.

Vala:
[recovering from surprise] I knew that. But were his sexual advances part of the test?

Richard Woolsey:
[horrified] What?! That's..ah…General, I-I can assure you…

Vala:
Well, I would've even considered playing along, but some of his requests were…well, a little…unusual, even for me.

[General Landry walks off, while SG-1 tries not to laugh]

Richard Woolsey:
General, I would never…General!

Vala:
See, I still think it's cause for celebration. So I say we go out, have lunch, and I'll pay.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Pay with what, exactly?

Vala:
Well, Daniel will cover me until I get my share of the loot.

Dr. Jackson:
[exasperated] "Loot."

Vala:
Yeah, from all the treasures we're going to bring back from our off-world travels. What, I have to wait until I'm off probation before I start collecting?

Dr. Jackson:
[looking out over Atlantis] I wouldn't miss this for the world. You know the number of times I tried to get here?

Vala:
Only two of those times were my fault.

Lt. Colonel Sheppard:
Well, good luck, and listen, if McKay gives you a hard time, just…

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Shoot him.

Lt. Colonel Sheppard:
Also, he's mortally allergic to citrus.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Really?

Lt. Colonel Sheppard:
I keep one with me at all times. [pulls a lemon from his vest pocket] It's just a comfort to know… [tosses the lemon to Mitchell] …it's there.

Dr. McKay:
I am just saying, the yield calculations can be extremely tricky, if not borderline impossible. [smugly] You may need me.

Vala:
Colonel Carter said as much.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Ooohhhh, we weren't going to tell him that.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Ah, this place is Daniel Disneyland.

Dr. McKay:
But um, first, I just wanted to thank you for being there for me recently in a time of great personal need. Well, actually, you weren't there- I was alone in the dark, but um, you know, it sure seemed like you were.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
[suspiciously] Are you telling me one of your fantasies?

Dr. McKay:
No it was a hallucination, I had a concussion, I was trapped in the back of a sinking Jumper and my mind conjured you up as a means of survival, it's what you would do in my situation. You saved my life

Lt. Colonel Carter:
OK well, that's… sort of nice.

Dr. McKay:
Mmm. Yes it was.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Was I naked?

Dr. McKay:
[slightly embarassed] Partially.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
[regarding McKay] You know, Cam, he's not wrong. As much as it pains me to say it, the data from our first attempt supports his argument.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Well, like my grandma used to say, "if at first you don't succeed…"

Lt. Colonel Carter:
[wryly] "…try a larger thermonuclear reaction?"

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Her words exactly.

Dr. Jackson:
[to Morgan Le Fay] I believe you. I do. I mean, I understand the fine line you have to walk. I realize the risk you're taking just showing yourself. But I'm sorry, I want more. You can pass that on to your friends as well. [to the room] Yeah, I know you're listening, [to Le Fay, in full passionate-speech mode] Because I am getting sick of hidden clues and cryptic messages. And Merlin was right that the Ori are a threat. But not only to us "lowers," not only to the billions of humans throughout this galaxy, but to your own existence. Because when this war is over, and every soul that's left alive is praying to the Ori, feeding their need to be worshipped, you know who they're gonna come for next. I won't pretend to know what that war will look like, or in what battlefield it will take place, but then, I won't be alive to see it.

Morgan le Fay:
If we interfere, we are no better than the Ori.

Dr. Jackson:
I understand that is at the very core of what you are, of what you believe, but I'm talking about survival here. If you really are trying to help, then help yourself.

Vala:
[regarding the Ascended] I think I understand why you came back, Daniel. I wouldn't have liked their company either.

Ba'al:
I understand your reluctance to trust me, so I'll be succinct. It's the clones. They want me dead.

Teal'c:
That would make all of us.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Chief, we've got a full count. Two strikes, three Ba'als.

Sgt. Harriman:
[laughing] Oh, that's clever, sir.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
He was thinking that one up the whole way home.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Yeah, the whole three seconds.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Three point two.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
[shrugs] Good point.

Ba'al clone:
You are trying to goad me into revealing information.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
No, I'm just calling it like I see it. And right now, you don't strike me as someone who could intimidate a ten year old out of his lunch money, much less run an interstellar empire.

Ba'al clone:
[in Goa'uld voice] Why don't you have the guard excuse himself for a moment, and I'll show you just what I am "capable" of?

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
See, now I know you're not the real Ba'al. The real Ba'al wouldn't have cared about the guard.

Barrett (to Landry):
General! I understand you have a few extra Ba'als. (punning on Ba'al/ball)

[Landry looks surprised]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
General.

General Landry:
Somebody, give me some good news.

[Vala stops her attempts to arm wrestle Teal'c.]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Sorry, sir. I still don't have anything useful.

Vala:
I didn't even make it to first base.

Teal'c:
It is ironic that not so long ago the mere presence of the Goa'uld on Earth would have been cause for great concern.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Seriously! Who'd ever think that we'd have bigger fish to fry? Or that you'd use the word "ironic" in a sentence?

General Landry:
I told ya, the last thing we need is for this place to turn into the O.K. Corral.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Or a vice-presidential bird hunt.

Vala:
The Sodan were using these devices for hundreds of years. You'd think there'd at least be a label on the side in bold print that says, "Beware: May cause deadly extra-dimensional radioactive monster-causing creature to appear", or just "danger" would be nice.

[SG-1 is playing poker]

Teal'c:
A true warrior...[pause] knows when to fold them.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Really? I won? [laughs] I was totally bluffing!

Gen. Landry:
A fictionalized, albeit slightly ridiculous version of Stargate Command is an excellent cover for the real thing in the event of a security leak.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Plausible deniability.

Dr. Jackson:
I'm sorry, sir, did you say "slightly" ridiculous?

Dr. Jackson:
... who makes a movie out of a series that only lasted three episodes?

Teal'c:
It allegedly performed well on DVD.

[This is a reference to the cult DVD hit Firefly and the resulting film Serenity, as well as Stargate itself.]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well, you've got to open big, catch people's attention, make them think the whole thing is going to be jam-packed.

Vala:
Ooh, I love jam.

[Mitchell, Jackson and Carter look at her]

Vala:
Oh, I get it. It's yet another playful twist on words in your "earth" language.

Vala:
Well, it... certainly seems to be packed full of jam.

Dr. Jackson:
You know, getting the cloaking generator off that mothership, that's going to be the least of our problems. Now, getting Jack to help, that's going to be the hard part.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Oh, don't tell me…

Dr. Jackson:
Oh yes. He likes being invisible.

[Cut to a locker room with a shower running- after a pause, Carter cautiously looks out from over the top of the shower curtain]

Lt. Col. Carter:
Sir? Are you there?

[Long pause]

Gen. O'Neill:
Nope.

[Cut to a briefing room. Jackson is scrawling unintelligibly complex information onto a whiteboard for an audience of a dozen or so scientist types]

Dr. Jackson:
...and so, by translating this tablet, we should be able to determine the most important thing in the universe.

[There is a pause. We hear O'Neill begin to snore. Jackson looks exasperated.]

Dr. Jackson:
Everyone wanna, poke around? See if you can find him?

[Cut to interior of a Goa'uld ship. The ring device activates, then deactivates with no-one apparantly having beamed aboard. The Jaffa on-board look puzzled. Suddenly, each of them gets his ass kicked in turn by an invisible opponent. The rings activate again, and the rest of the team beam up. They look around, confused.]

Col. O'Neill:
Hello? Hand signals? I'm waving you over!

[Cut to a corridor. Teal'c is walking along next to a coffee mug apparantly floating in mid-air (obviously being held by O'Neill)]

Col. O'Neill:
The bottom line is, I can do more for this planet invisible than I ever could as my own sweet salient self.

[Pause, Teal'c looks steadily in the direction of where we presume O'Neill to be standing]

Teal'c:
I assume I am staring at you stoically.

Col. O'Neill:
Not buying it, eh?

Teal'c:
No. You are most transparent, O'Neill.

Col. O'Neill:
Ohh! I get it. Good one.

Teal'c:
I can see right through you.

Col. O'Neill:
Donnnnnn't push it...

[The Stargate fails mid-dial; SG-1 look up to see Martin Lloyd shrug and excitedly wave them back up to the conference room.]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[whispering to Carter] Fix it.

Dr. Jackson:
Quickly.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I'm on it. [leaves]

Teal'c:
Indeed.

[SG-1 disputes the plausibility that they could make it to a 'gate through an army of Jaffa with Replicators behind them in ten seconds.]

Dr. Jackson:
Are you serious?

Martin Lloyd:
What?

Dr. Jackson:
How did we escape?

Vala:
They.

Dr. Jackson:
Fine, they, they, they. How did they escape?

Martin Lloyd:
Isn't it obvious?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Even if the valley wasn't filled with Jaffa, we couldn't never have made it to the Gate and dialed out in under...10 seconds.

Martin Lloyd:
Good. See, that's why we're here! So, what do you think, 30 seconds? Ma-maybe not such a round number. How about...38!

[In reference to the fact that the Stargate can only stay open for 38 minutes.]

Lt. Col. Carter:
We're running another diagnostic, but right now we're stumped. Power's getting through to the capacitors, but for some reason the charge isn't holding. That's causing the control crystal to send feedback into the interface and reset the programming code of the base computer's dialing protocol.

Martin Lloyd:
Whoa! That was awesome! Say that again!

Lt. Col. Carter:
...No.

Martin Lloyd:
Oh. Uh, everybody take five. I, I gotta get that down before I forget it. [to self] The power getting to the flux capacitor, but feedback is not feeding back into the feedback...face. This is gold!

[The Stargate is overloading with power.]

Lt. Col. Carter:
Siler, manually cut the power!

[Siler tries to and is thrown across the Gate room.]

Sgt. Siler:
[angry] Why does this always happen to me?

[Dan Shea, who plays Sgt. Siler is the stunt coordinator for Stargate SG-1 and stunt double for Richard Dean Anderson]

[After the Star Trek sequence.]

Dr. Jackson:
Hang on.

Martin Lloyd:
What?

Dr. Jackson:
One, that's Star Trek and two, it's ridiculous.

Martin Lloyd:
What's wrong with it?

Lt. Col. Carter:
"The singularity is about to explode?"

Martin Lloyd:
Yes.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Everything about the statement is wrong.

Dr. Jackson:
And how exactly is weapons at maximum going to help the situation?

Martin Lloyd:
The audience isn't going to know, but they love weapons at maximum.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Never underestimate your audience. They're usually sensitive, intelligent people, who will respond positively to quality entertainment.

Teal'c:
I do not understand why everything in this script must inevitably explode.

Teenage Teal'c:
Yo! Wonderbread! You got that address figured out?

Teenage Daniel:
Chill T! I'm like, translating as fast as I can!

Teenage Vala:
I am so sick of being treated as an object to be worshiped! I am a real person with real feelings!

Teenage Daniel:
: You know, I don't think Mitchell likes me anymore...

Teenage Vala:
I'm pregnant.

[Cut to SG-1 in the conference room.]

Lt. Col. Carter:
Uh-uh.

Dr. Jackson:
No.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[incredulous look] Nope.

Teal'c:
[sullen silence]

Martin Lloyd:
I need a latte...

Vala:
Okay, how 'bout this: We're in a cloaked cargoship on a simple 3 hour reconnaissance mission...

Martin Lloyd:
Gilligan's Island, right?

Vala:
You got that from 3 hour reconnaissance mission?

Martin Lloyd:
Here's a advice: if you're gonna rip something off, pick something a bit more obscure.

[Vala is imagining SG-1 as characters in Farscape.]

Aeryn-Vala:
Call me farhbot, but they're going to have our mivonks on a platter if we don't starburst the draz out of here.

Crichton-Daniel:
The cluster's been damaged! We're not going anywhere!

Chianna-Carter:
Oh, dren!

D'Argo-Teal'c:
Hezmana!

Aeryn-Vala:
Frell!

Stark-Mitchell:
Aw, son of a hazmot!

Rygel-Thor:
Yotz!

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
I'm pretty sure I have read all the reports recently.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Actually you haven't read 30185.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
30185? ... What's that?

Dr. Jackson:
We can't tell you.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
What do you mean you can't tell me? I have the highest security clearance known to mankind! What-what is 30185?

Lt. Col. Carter:
We were sworn to secrecy.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well, why even mention it to me if you're not going to tell me what it is?

Lt. Col.Carter:
Sorry.

Vala:
Can you tell me?

Dr. Jackson:
Oh yeah, we can tell you.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Well, it has to do with the time that the gate sent us back to 1969.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well, that can't have anything to do with me, I wasn't born 'til a year later.

Dr. Jackson:
Actually, it was nine months before he was born.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
What?

Lt. Col. Carter:
You have to remember, it was the Sixties...

Dr. Jackson:
C'mon, you have to have known that Jack's always taken an interest in your life.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Jack? ...O'Neill?

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Remember when you were chosen for the 302 program even though you didn't think you should get in? How about when you were chosen for SG-1?

Vala:
[laughing] Wait. Are you saying that Jack O'Neill is...

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
...my daddy?

Dr. Jackson:
All starting to make sense now, isn't it?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Awww, I'm being Punk'd, aren't I?

[Referring to the Stargate]

Puppet Gen. Hammond:
We created this multi-billion dollar facility under Cheyenne Mountain so that we can use this thing. Anyone know how?

Puppet Gen. Hammond:
And now, what this team needs is a leader, someone who'll laugh in the face of his enemy, even when it's inappropriate… Colonel Jack O'Neill.

Puppet Col. O'Neill:
I thought I told you I was retired.

Puppet Gen. Hammond:
Oh, I thought you said you were tired.

Puppet Col. O'Neill:
Well, as a matter of fact, I am a little tired...

Puppet Gen. Hammond:
Well, There's no time for that now, you've got a team to command.

Puppet Col. O'Neill:
Right!

[Just before dialing the Stargate]

Puppet Gen. Hammond:
Sergeant, make it spin!

Puppet Sgt. Harriman:
Spin? Sir.... it doesn't spin.

Puppet Gen. Hammond:
What? It has to spin, it's round. Spinning is so much cooler than not spinning. I am the General, and I want it to spin! Now!

[This may be a reference to the Atlantis Stargates, which don't spin and cannot be dialed manually.]

[The crew suggested to replace the actors with puppets.]

Martin Lloyd:
[sarcastically] Yeaaah...that will work...a whole movie made with puppets...

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
I was just sayi...

Martin Lloyd:
Maybe we can have Puppet O'Neill jump over a puppet shark on a one-third scale motorcycle!

Vala:
I don't get it.

Martin Lloyd:
I'm talking about ...a twist; something nobody's expecting!

Gen. O'Neill:
[walks in the door] You mean something like this?

Vala:
Wow, I don't think anybody will see that coming.

Dr. Jackson:
Nope, there'll be spoilers.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Are you kidding? It'll be in the commercial.

[Carter was correct; the scene in which O'Neill appears was part of the commercial for "200"]

[Teal'c pitches a story to Martin Lloyd]

Announcer (Isaac Hayes):
When it comes to fighting crime, there's only one man keepin' the street safe, while keepin' it real.

[Teal'c, dressed in a trenchcoat and fedora, pitches a guy through a glass door. He steps through the broken door, looks down at the unconscious guy and strokes the brim of his hat]

Teal'c:
In-deed.

Announcer:
Teal'c PI, coming this fall.

[Cut to a shot of Martin Lloyd, looking patronizing]

Martin Lloyd:
I love it...

[Shot of Teal'c looking pleased]

Martin Lloyd:
...I'm just not sure the studio will...uh...

[Shot of Teal'c looking vaguely threatening, leaning toward Martin]

Martin Lloyd:
Whoops, there's my phone... [he puts his phone to his ear] ...go for Marty... [he scurries off]

[O'Neill and Jackson are waiting at an altar, O'Neill as the groom and Jackson as the best man]

Dr. Jackson:
You know, if she doesn't show, people are going to think that…you and I are…

Gen. O'Neill:
What?

[A possible reference to slash shippers.]

Grell (Teal'c's counterpart on Wormhole X-Treme):
Science fiction is an existential metaphor, that allows us to tell stories about the human condition. Isaac Asimov once said: "Individual science fiction stories may seem as trivial as ever to the blinder critics and philosophers of today - but the core of science fiction, its essence has become crucial to our salvation, if we are to be saved at all."

[Dakara has just been destroyed by Adria, Brata'c wishes he could have done more to keep this from happening]

Vala Mal Doran:
There's no point in second guessing yourself. You can't remake the past. So look ahead, or risk being left behind.

Bra'tac:
She holds the wisdom of a seasoned warrior.

Daniel Jackson:
She's a mother, that's close enough.

Weaver:
You know what I think the problem is?

Vala:
That I can't strangle you?

[Jackson is interrogating Weaver about Vala's whereabouts, but Weaver is afraid to say anything]

Dr. Jackson:
We can protect you.

Weaver:
No, you can't!

Dr. Jackson:
Okay. [to Teal'c, as he gets up to leave] He's all yours.

Weaver:
[panicked] Where're you going?

Dr. Jackson:
I'll be out in the hall; just yell loudly if you need me.

Dr. Jackson:
But we can protect him.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Yeah, by locking him away for the rest of his life.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
What can ya say? There's a downside to workin' for super-villains.

Vala:
Saul, what am I doing? Working here, sleeping out the back, watching reruns of The X-Files in my spare time…

[The record for longest-running American sci-fi was previously held by The X-Files, which finished with 202 episodes. With "Memento Mori," Stargate SG-1 equaled that record.]

Vala:
[reading a snack cake wrapper] "Disodium guanylate". That would make a great alien name, don't you think?

[SG-1 storms a cheap hotel room to find Mitchell lying on the bed, handcuffed to the headboard, watching TV while eating snack cakes, and pantsless.]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Um ..this isn't what it looks like

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
What?

Lt. Colonel Carter:
Nothin'. I just think it's funny how you're always losing your pants.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Y'know, I don't mind gettin' shot, but I pulled a hammie when I took out that last Trust operative.

Lt. Colonel Carter:
At least you didn't lose your pants.

[an alarm goes off in the shaky cargo ship Vala has secured for SG-1]

Vala:
Life Support seems to be failing... can you take this [the helm] for a minute?

[alarm ceases]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Great, now that you fixed that how 'bout looking at the inertial dampeners?

Vala:
I didn't fix anything, I just disconnected that annoying alarm.

Vala:
Our only chance is to take this ship back.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Well, I have an idea about that, but it's pretty risky.

Vala:
Well, it's probably better than our plan.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Well, what's your plan?

Dr. Jackson:
We don't have one.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Ah.

[In an attempt to save Carter from her captor Anateo, Vala uses the Odyssey's damaged beaming technology]

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, where is she?

Vala:
Well, I couldn't be sure, so I just beamed out the only other lifesign in the room instead.

Dr. Jackson:
Okay. Where is he?

[Vala looks out the window, where Anateo is drifting in space]

Dr. Jackson:
[following Vala's gaze] Well, Sam did say it was risky.

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, we swept the ship twice. Rounded up fourteen men in total, but not Solek. Vala had to beam him out of the hold where the crew was being held, so we have no way of knowing for sure where he ended up.

Vala:
Did you check the sewage reservoir?

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, no lifesigns. Ew.

Dr. Jackson:
Uh, you should probably prepare to fire.

Maj. Marks:
For the record, I'm always prepared to fire. I just have to press this button here.

Dr. Jackson:
Right..I just-I thought that's what you're supposed to say, so...

Maj. Marks:
I know.

[Vala has just powered up the hyperdrive by shoving a crystal into a hole that doesn't fit it]

Lt. Col. Carter:
How'd you do that?

Vala:
Honestly, I don't know, that almost never normally works.

Netan:
You are the biggest fool in two galaxies!

Tenat:
But, Netan. (turns around to fellow orannians) I screwed up.

Orannian:
Shield failure is imminent.

Tenat:
Damn you, Cam Mitchell.

[Tenat's Ha'tak is destroyed]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Look, I know you have no reason to trust us any more than those guys.

Barkeep:
I haven't seen you shoot anyone.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
...That's an excellent point.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
You should come with us.

Barkeep:
My place is here. I'll be fine. I'll blame everything on you.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Good plan!

[SG-1 is trying to rescue a little boy trapped behind a portcullis]

Ba'al:
He's tiny. Tell him to squeeze through the bars.

Teal'c:
Assist us, or I will squeeze you through these bars.

[SG-1, Ba'al, and Adria are blocked by a wall of fire]

Ba'al:
Why don't you do something? You're the Orici. You're supposedly possessed of significant powers. So snuff out the flame and get us on our way.

Adria:
My abilities don't work that way.

Ba'al:
Of course, how does that Earth saying go? "All flash, no photo?"

Lt. Col. Carter:
Actually, it's "All flash, no substance."

Ba'al:
I prefer my version.

Adria:
Would you care for a demonstration?

[Ba'al stares her down]

Adria:
[haughtily] Taking your life would be a waste of my time.

Ba'al:
Which I suppose would be put to better use complaining.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Oh, geez, why don't you two just get a room?

Dr. Jackson:
I'm sorry, aren't you the one who knows the dragon's secret name? It's time to earn your keep.

Ba'al:
Ah, yes. I may have exaggerated about that, slightly. Anyway, you didn't think that just by calling out its name, you'd suddenly be able to control it?

Dr. Jackson:
I don't know. Name magic is common in most mythologies. To know something's secret name is to steal its power.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
So what are we supposed to do, start guessing?

Vala:
Darrel, the dragon.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
How about Smokey?

Teal'c:
Perhaps Puff?

Dr. Jackson:
[annoyed]: Will you just give me a minute?

[Merlin revives from stasis]

Merlin:
Where am I?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Good question.

Merlin:
[to Carter] You look familiar. [pauses as he scrutinizes Carter] Guinivere! [hugging Carter] Oh my dear, it's been too long.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Uh, good to see you too.

Merlin:
[to Mitchell] Percival! [to Jackson] And Galahad! Oh brave knights, fortune indeed does smile upon me to see your faces again.

Ba'al:
Looks like Merlin's drawbridge no longer goes all the way across the moat, if you catch my meaning.

Merlin:
What's that? Mordred? I might have known it.

Ba'al:
We're wasting our time with this old fool! We need to get back to the gate so I can start reprogramming-

Merlin:
Be silent!

[Merlin waves his hand, and Ba'al loses the ability to speak]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well how do you like that? The old boy still has some old tricks up his sleeve.

Merlin:
You have an extraordinary understanding of the ways of ascended beings.

Dr. Jackson:
That's because I used to be one.

Merlin:
The Human race cannot have evolved that far in only a thousand years.

Dr. Jackson:
That's because I had some help. Her name was Oma Desala.

Merlin:
[understanding] Oh, of course.

[Merlin has died, and the team is deciding what to do]

Ba'al:
I told you, I could reprogram the dialing device.

[SG-1 looks at Ba'al]

Ba'al:
His little trick with my vocal chords expired at the same time he did.

Teal'c:
Yet another reason to mourn his passing.

Vala:
[regarding Daniel] Hey, you have to tell him that he doesn't have to do this. He'll listen to you.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
What team have you been on?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[to Vala, after Daniel downloaded Merlin's consiousness into his mind] The hard part of this team is not risking your own life, it's watching your friends take chances with theirs. Congratulations, now you're really one of us.

Dr. Jackson:
I'm going to be fine...

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Look, you dont get fancy mindpowers unless there's been major redecorating going on inside your skull...

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Coffee!

Lt. Col. Carter:
Oh, thank you!

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Don't get too excited, they packed us decaf by mistake.

Lt. Col. Carter:
D'oh.

[Ori fighters are approaching]

Teal'c [Over radio]:
Colonel Mitchell, do you read?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Loud and clear, Teal'c. What's up?

Teal'c:
Our time.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I spent my entire life dedicated to science. That's the last ten years, trying to convince people they believed in false gods. I don't feel like science is gonna help me. Right now, I'm just hoping somewhere one of those gods...

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
My grandma used to say, "God is like a prairie windstorm. If you look too hard, you get dust in your eyes, but there's still plenty of ways to know it's there."

Lt. Col. Carter:
Is that what you believe?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Actually, I generally just nodded until she gave me a macaroon.

[Mitchell is shocked while connecting two wires to a control crystal]

Lt. Col. Carter:
That's a good sign.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
That's easy for you to say, you with that little flesh wound.

Tomin:
I have not begun to question the will of the Ori, but I have begun to question the interpretation of their words. No matter what you say, I will not believe the Book of Origin asks us to massacre innocent people! And I will not stand by while the Holy Doctrine of Good Will and Faith that I have sworn to uphold is twisted into a hammer and used to beat people down!

[Carter is trying some of Mitchell's homemade macaroons]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Pretty good, huh?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Actually, they are pretty good

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[looking at Carter's face] You hate it.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Yup, sorry.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well, to each their own.

Col. Carter is in an alternate universe.

Lt. Col. Carter:
I'm not who you think I am.

Dr. McKay:
Oh my god, you're a lesbian, is that what you're trying to tell me?

Lt. Colonel Carter:
What? No - McKay!

Lt. Col. Carter:
The Rodney McKay I know wouldn't back down from a challenge. He is one of the most forthright, courageous… and selfless men I have ever met.

Dr. McKay:
[preening] Hmm. [realizes] Aw, you're making that up, aren't you?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Most of it, yeah.

Lt. Col. Carter:
The Rodney I know is a master of subtle persuasion.

Dr. McKay:
Huh. Oh, you're lying again, aren't you?

Vala:
Hey, what was I like in that reality?

Lt. Col. Carter:
[uncomfortably] You were in jail.

Vala:
Not again!

Tevaris:
Are you saying this Prior's claims are false?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
We're saying that book's got about as much truth in it as The Da Vinci Code.

Vala:
[conspiratorially] Hey, that's what they want you to think.

[Prior-Daniel is beamed aboard the Odyssey]

Prior-Daniel:
Hey! What took you guys so long?!

[O'Neill takes a moment to look over Prior-Daniel]

Gen. O'Neill:
[brightly] This is new.

Prior-Daniel:
[casual] Yeah, it's always something, isn't it?

Gen. O'Neill:
I gotta tell you though, not your look.

Prior-Daniel:
Jack, you have to believe me.

Gen. O'Neill:
Why?

Prior-Daniel:
"Why." Well because, oh I don't know, the fate of the galaxy hangs in the balance?

Gen. O'Neill:
You know, that old chestnut is getting a little... old.

Prior-Daniel:
No, no, that part never gets old. Now, you have to shut down that Supergate, and you have to let me go!

Gen. O'Neill:
[jokingly] You know I hate being told what to do.

Prior-Daniel:
Jack, it's me!

Gen. O'Neill:
[shouting] What, that's supposed to convince me?! Look at you!

Prior-Daniel:
Have I ever let you down? No, don't answer that, have I ever let you down when it really mattered?

Gen. O'Neill:
You know, there's a bottom line here: Carter doesn't think it can be done.

Prior-Daniel:
Yes, it can. A Mk-9 beamed directly behind the gate in the Pegasus galaxy will destroy that gate, the wormhole connection will be broken.

Gen. O'Neill:
How do you know that?

Prior-Daniel:
Hello!? Merlin!

Gen. O'Neill:
[mockingly] Oh yes. [in "spooky" voice] Merlin!

Prior-Daniel:
[frustrated] Jack, I wish I had proof. I wish I had a way to convince you, but I don't. Now this was the only choice I had and I took it. It's a good plan, it-it just happens to hinge on you guys believing in me, having a little faith. Now, I thought you of all people might!

Gen. O'Neill:
Why!? You of all people should know that, I don't believe anything anybody says, even if I understand what they're talking about!

[Daniel still restrained, Vala on his lap]

Prior-Daniel:
So... What the hell is going on?

Vala:
This and that. You know, the usual. [excitedly] You'll never believe what's happening on One Life to Live!

Prior-Daniel:
You know, I really hate to press the issue here, but I do have a deadline.

Vala:
Oooh, so do we.

Prior-Daniel:
Oh yes I know, before I figure out how to overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device, oooooh. I thought Teal'c believed me!

Vala:
Oh, he does.

Prior-Daniel:
Jack?

Vala:
No, he's on your side too. That... little weasel man, who somehow represents your government...

Prior-Daniel:
...Woolsey?

Vala:
I-I can't be certain, but... I think he might not like you...

Prior-Daniel:
He wants to have me killed, doesn't he?

Vala:
Well... I'm not sure how serious he is, he seems quite the prankster to me.

[...]

Vala:
... Not to worry. If it comes down to it, [leaving]I have a plan.

Prior-Daniel:
Oh, you have a plan... Great. What is it?

Vala:
Well... when I said that I had a plan, I meant that I have to plan... the plan. So when, o-or rather, if it comes down to it, I will have a plan. I've, uh, cleared my whole afternoon... for planning.

Woolsey:
Dr. Jackson was the one who suggested that we should kill Khalek.

General O'Neill:
He was the demon-spawn of Anubis.

[after meeting with Woolsey]

Lt. Col. Carter:
How's it going sir?

Gen. O'Neill:
Longing for the days when I actually carried a weapon. What do you got?

Lt. Col. Carter:
A crazy idea.

Gen. O'Neill:
I'm down with crazy. I like crazy. Crazy and I are like... that.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Cam likes crazy too.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Listen, if what Jackson is saying is true, there is an Ori ship out there with a near-complete weapon on it that could prove useful against the Ori. I think we should go after it.

Gen. O'Neill:
You're right. That's crazy!

[Woolsey walks into the room Daniel is being hold in aboard the Odyssey]

Prior-Daniel:
No gun. Hm. Did you bring lethal injection, high voltage, or you're just gonna have them beam me out into space?

[O'Neill and Landry are walking through the conference room in the SGC, chatting. Suddenly, a startled Woolsey is beamed into the SGC briefing room. O'Neill and Landry consider him briefly, then O'Neill turns to Landry]

Gen. O'Neill:
I thought we fixed it so that wouldn't happen again. [he is beamed out]

[Daniel beams O'Neill onto Odyssey's bridge]

Gen. O'Neill:
... Daniel?

Prior-Daniel:
Jack.

Gen. O'Neill:
What's up?

Prior-Daniel:
Oh, I'm taking the ship.

Gen. O'Neill:
[looking around] Oh I see that.

Prior-Daniel:
Yeah I, I beamed the crew safely to the surface.

Gen. O'Neill:
Nice for them.

Prior-Daniel:
But as you probably figured out by now, I'm going to need you.

Gen. O'Neill:
You know, I was just thinking how much I missed being needed.

[SG-1 is under fire from Ori soldiers]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
All right fellas, here's the deal! We are commandeering this ship! We'd like for you to throw down your weapons and surrender, please! [Mitchell barely dodges a staff blast] That's a no.

Gen. O'Neill:
[sighing] Yep, just like old times. Except I'm here against my will, and you look like Marcel Marceau.

Prior-Daniel:
Yeah, you know, some things change, but others stay the same.

Gen. O'Neill:
Very good. Why'd you bother giving me the intel if you were going to bust out anyway?

Prior-Daniel:
Well, obviously I'm improvising at this point. I had no idea when or even if I was going to be able to overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device. Time was running out. Adria's gonna notice my absence and become suspicious. So sending the rest of SG-1 to get the device was my only choice at the time.

Gen. O'Neill:
Then why do this now?

Prior-Daniel:
Because I'm afraid the rest of the team won't be able to complete the mission without me.

Gen. O'Neill [snidely]:
Oh, aren't we full of ourselves?

Prior-Daniel:
That, and I wasn't about to let Woolsey freeze me.

Gen. O'Neill:
That I understand.

Prior-Daniel:
Yeah.

Vala:
[assembling the weapon] Okay, I think that's about it.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Hang on. What's this?

Vala:
[dismissively] Oh, I'm not sure about that one.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
See! There is always a widget left over.

Vala:
I thought you were always one short?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well you'd think both was impossible, but it's not.

Vala:
Right... Actually, I'm pretty sure that's the timing crystal that sets the detonation of the weapon five minutes after it's inserted.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Right. Hold on that. [into radio] Carter, status?

Lt. Col. Carter:
[into radio] Vala, Cam, we're moments from exiting hyperspace.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Roger that. We're almost done here...Check that, uh, Vala's almost done. I still have my doubts.

[Daniel is back to normal]

Dr. Jackson:
No, it's me. Merlin's gone. He sacrificed himself for this to work.

Gen. O'Neill:
Yeah? Prove it.

[Daniel makes a motion like a Jedi Mind Trick]

Gen. O'Neill:
What the hell was that?

Dr. Jackson:
If I was Merlin, you would know.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[into intercom] Carter, Sunshine [Daniel] is awake.

Lt. Col. Carter:
That's good, is he okay?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well, he's grumpy.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Can you ask him how he managed to cloak this ship?

[Mitchell looks at Daniel, and Daniel shrugs]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
He says magicians don't reveal their secrets.

Mitchell:
Intel looks good, we've got ourselves a space train full of evil Orville Reddenbacher.

[Vala is explaining her "relationship" with Mitchell to Mitchell's parents]

Vala:
Well, I mean at first it was just sex, sex, sex, in all rooms of the house at all times of the day! But uh, well, once we got a chance to get to know each other, we formed a deeper connection. A spiritual bond, you might say.

Jackie:
Now, I can't remember, did you go to GW?

Vala:
Oh, I didn't attend school. As much as I was sold as a domestic servant to a weapons smuggler named Firenze. After I killed him and won my freedom, I considered my education more or less complete.

Dr. Jackson:
And you might have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for us meddling kids.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
How many times have you been married, anyway?

Vala:
Legally? Hmmm, well, it's hard to keep track. Let's see. The first one was a part of a band of traveling entertainers. He was a good cook, too. Couldn't make pie though.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
You know, forget it. Forget I asked.

Dr. Jackson:
We're stuck.

Vala:
No we're not!

[Everyone looks at Vala]

Vala:
Well, when we fail to make the scheduled check-in, General Landry will dial in, at which point we'll ask him to send a naquadah generator and a laptop with a dialing program and that's that!

Dr. Jackson:
We knew that! I-I-I thought that when I said that we're stuck, that you would know that I meant "until then."

Vala:
Well, then you should say what you mean.

Dr. Jackson:
I don't think you want me to start doing that.

Vala:
I don't think you want to start thinking what I think.

Dr. Jackson:
[checking his watch] So, therefore, next check-in is in just under six hours.

Vala:
Good. Muscles, that means that we have time to go to the party.

[She starts to walk away until Mitchell's voice stops her.]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
No, it does not! It means we stay here out of sight and remain as inconspicuous as possible. With a bit of luck, the people on this planet will never even know we were here.

[The couple who had left the party before arrive in the gate room and are now just a few feet away from the team. They begin kissing intensely.]

Sylvana:
[pushing him away for a moment] Don't. tell Hesellven, she is like a sister to me.

Heron:
Never.

[They resume kissing. They stop and begin to walk toward the gate, where they finally see the team. Mitchell waves casually.]

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Hi. There's nothing to be alarmed about. We um-

[The woman begins screaming then turns and runs out of the room, the man following her. She is still screaming. Teal'c and Mitchell head out after them, and Vala tries to follow, but Daniel holds her back.]

Vala:
How come they get to go?

[Hesellven and Sylvana are catfighting]

Dr. Jackson:
What the hell are you doing? Stop it!!

Sylvana:
She started it!

Hesellven:
Hah! I think you started it when you kissed Heron.

Dr. Jackson:
[exasperated] Shut up! Shut up! You're hostages! This is like a life and death situation here! Start acting like it.

Sylvana:
Oh, please! You're not rebels! We're not deaf, you know. Everyone in this room knows it.

Dr. Jackson:
That doesn't matter! You're hostages! We're your…we're your captors! We're heavily armed! There's rules! There's a whole school of etiquette to this!

[Sylvana stares at Dr. Jackson]

Dr. Jackson:
[sternly] Don't eyeball me.

Cicero:
Excuse me. Did you really come through the Ring?

Dr. Jackson:
Yes, we did.

Cicero:
It's a portal, isn't it, to other worlds?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Yeah, I'd be happy to show you how it works, once we get it up up and running.

Cicero:
You want them to free your friends.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
I'm sorry. What?

Cicero:
Your demands. If you want to pose as the rebels, the first thing they usually do in situations like this is ask for the freeing of their imprisoned compatriots.

Sylvana:
Don't talk to them.

Cicero:
No, it's okay.

Dr. Jackson:
[Walks toward Cicero] What's your name?

Cicero:
Cicero. I'm a researcher here at the museum, and I believe you.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
You want to get on the radio and explain that to the folks outside?

Cicero:
Oh, I've tried. I've suspected as much for years, I've published dozens of papers, written a book. No one listens. My colleagues think I'm a bit of a joke.

Vala:
Oh, Daniel, you've found a kindred spirit.

[Jayem, a night guard of the museum, points a gun at Mitchell and Vala, and demands the freeing of the hostages]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Jackson.

Dr. Jackson:
Mitchell, what's going on?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Well, we've got ourselves a bit of a John McClane here.

Dr. Jackson:
Wha-what are you talking about?

Teal'c:
[walking past Daniel] Die Hard.

(Vala is attempting to power the stargate with a Goa'uld bomb.)

Vala:
There's a 70% chance that if we dial manually we'll be able to establish a connection, and a 50% chance the bomb will just go off.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
That a 120%.

Vala:
Well there's some crossover where we establish a wormhole and it blows up.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[on the radio] Jackson, did you catch any of that?

Dr. Jackson:
Yeah, 100% chance we should have brought someone who knows what they're doing.

Teal'c:
In that case, there are some things you should know. The Ori do not ascend their followers. Arkad is a coward who will die by my hand. Also, I have planted an explosive device in your symbiote pouch. It is set to go off within a matter of moments. It is the same type that you used to kill twelve warriors, eighteen innocent bystanders, and two children who had gathered for a peaceful summit.

Ba'kad:
They were sinners all, who chose the path of evil.

Teal'c:
[walking away] Ten seconds.

Ba'kad:
Where are you going?

Teal'c:
I am leaving. You are about to explode.

Vala:
Well, what would be the harm in us just…whoops! failing to stop Teal'c from killing Arkad? It wouldn't be entirely on purpose and not out of…accidental incompetence either, if you catch my drift.

Dr. Jackson:
Yes, nudge nudge, wink wink.

Vala:
How do we get Arkad to tell us all the pieces of the puzzle?

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, that's the easy part. See, we capture him, lock him in a room, and threaten to let Teal'c kill him.

[SG-1 has set a trap for Teal'c]

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Hey Teal'c? I know you're out there. I don't know what you're thinking, but we're here to help. [Mitchell barely dodges two zat blasts] Okay, that was a lie! And, uh, I hate myself, I feel terrible about that.

Bra'tac:
You are the son I never had, I could not be more proud.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
They cancelled it? Really? I didn't even know the new season had started.

[This episode was shot after Stargate SG-1s cancellation was announced]

Jacek:
I suppose for the benefit of your friends there, you're gonna want to list all the reasons why I was such a bad father.

Vala:
Oh, I wish I could, but a wormhole can only be maintained for thirty-eight minutes.

Jacek:
Oh, you got your father's wit!

Vala:
Certainly not enough time to list your inequalities as both a father and a human being.

Jacek:
And your mother's uncanny ability to hold a grudge.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
You said you had some intel?

Jacek:
Yes, and I'm prepared to tell you everything once you allow me through your gate.

Gen. Landry:
As soon as Vala vouches for you.

Vala:
I most certainly will not!

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
So, what's the deal with the accent, or in your father's case, the lack thereof?

Vala:
Well, the accent, like most of my other good qualities, I got from my mother. My charm, my wit, my good looks…

Dr. Jackson:
What'd you get from your dad?

Vala:
Some minor food allergies.

Vala:
I have a bad feeling about this.

Jacek:
[stepping out from behind a tree] That's because I raised you to be cautious.

Vala:
Mother raised me.

Jacek:
Which one?

Vala:
My mother!

Vala:
You didn't trust him, but you talked me into coming here anyway?

Dr. Jackson:
Eh. He's not my father.

Jacek:
Say, how'd you like to go out to dinner with me once this is all is over?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Oh, I don't think so.

Jacek:
Why not?

Lt. Col. Carter:
Well, I'm an incredibly busy person with very little free time…Oh! And you're a jerk.

Jacek:
oh well there is that

(Teal'c has taken one of Jacek's tickets to the "Virginia Dialogues". He sits down between two women as the play begins)

Actress:
My girlfriends and I talk about a lot of things. There's just one topic we rarely discuss. Vaginas. And I asked myself, why is that? Why don't we talk about vaginas? Why are work and kids and holiday plans more acceptable topics of conversation than our own vaginas? And I didn't have an answer. So, I took it upon myself to find out. I started to talk about vaginas at work, at home, sometimes even in fancy restaurants! Soon my friends started to talk about vaginas as well. And it was only a matter of time before it became a hot conversation topic. No matter where I went, it was "vagina this", "vagina that," "vagina, vagina, vagina…"

(He looks to the two women in turn, then sinks uncomfortably into his seat...)

Vala:
So…no IOA? No Reynolds' men? No television program about dancing with supposed celebrities?

Dr. Jackson:
Actually, that part was real.

Vala:
[quietly] How very disturbing.

Adria:
You made a terrible mistake. Release me now, and I will be merciful.

Ba'al:
You're so much more pleasant when you lack the ability to snap my neck with your thoughts.

Jaffa:
Stand back, I'm warning you!

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Just take it easy!

Dr. Jackson:
It's okay, we're not going to hurt you.

[Vala zats the Jaffa from behind]

Dr. Jackson:
Much.

Gen. Landry:
Ba'al is in Adria?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Yes, sir. It's the bad guy equivalent of Cordon Bleu.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
See, right now you're like a Pinto engine in a '71 Mustang. We're gonna swap you out for a big block Tok'ra.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Time to go.

Ba'al:
What about our arrangement?

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, you mean the part where you string us along until you overcome the effects of the anti-Prior device? We'll pass.

Dr. Jackson:
I told you to bring something to amuse yourself. I didn't mean me or the crew.

Vala:
They won't believe it's my birthday…again.

Dr. Jackson:
Not my problem.

Vala:
Being stuck on this ship is worse than being stuck at the SGC! I tell you, the last time I was this bored, I took hostages!

Dr. Jackson:
I was there.

Vala:
[regarding Thor and the other Asgard] Out of curiosity, how can you tell the difference?

Dr. Jackson:
The voice.

[Michael Shanks, who plays Daniel, also provides the voice of Thor]

Thor:
There are many on the High Council who do not believe that we should be imparting you with such advancements.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Well, we'll try not to let you down.

Thor:
You are the fifth race. Your role is clear. If there is any hope for the future, it lies with you, and your people.

Lt. Col. Carter:
No pressure, huh?

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
I've said it before, I am for fighting to the death, but we need a plan, preferably one that avoids the 'to the death' part.

Dr. Jackson:
I mean, all they wanted to do was live a little longer. We're no different. Sequence DNA. Cure diseases. One fatal mistake, and they doom their entire race. I guess no matter what you do, at the end of the day…life is too short.

[The final scene of the series]

General Landry:
Dial it up, Walter.

Sgt. Harriman:
Yes, sir. [starts dialing the Stargate] Chevron one encoded.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
That is how we're supposed to travel light-years across the galaxy to other planets. [points at the spinning Gate]

Sgt. Harriman:
Chevron two encoded.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
[to Teal'c] You know, I'd like to imagine I handled myself well, but...I imagine I went a bit crazy cooped up on that ship for so long.

[Teal'c smiles]

Sgt. Harriman:
Chevron three encoded.

Dr. Jackson:
You know, Teal'c did tell me some of the things I learned from the Asgard database.

Vala:
He did? Like what?

Dr. Jackson:
Oh, boy. What were they?

Sgt. Harriman:
Chevron four encoded.

Dr. Jackson:
Beggars can't be choosers. Better late than never. Look before you leap.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
The best things in life are free.

Vala:
Let me guess, beauty is only skin deep?

Dr. Jackson:
Silence is golden.

Sgt. Harriman:
Chevron five encoded.

Lt. Col. Mitchell:
Jack of all trades, master of none.

Lt. Col. Carter:
Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Vala:
Life is too short.

Sgt. Harriman:
Chevron six encoded.

Teal'c:
Good things come to those who wait.

Lt. Col. Carter:
[to Teal'c] You know, as hard as it is for us not knowing, it must be torture for you not to tell us.

Teal'c:
Indeed.

Sgt. Harriman:
Chevron seven is locked.

General Landry:
Good luck, SG-1.

Lt. Colonel Mitchell:
Just another everyday mission to save the galaxy, sir.

SG-1:
Indeed.

General Landry:
Godspeed.