The Boondocks, Season 3

(Talking to Weggie Rudlin after his failed attempt at committing suicide)

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, what's the point? What's the point in living if there's nothin' to look forward to but just a life full of rap music and fo'ty ounces? What am I supposed to do now, huh? Be somebody's baby daddy? Hang out on the corner all day and night, shootin' dice, cops chasin' me all the time? My body ain't made to handle a stun gun, ain't got but two or three shows I could identify with.

Weggie Rudlin:
Ruckus, you make a very compelling argument, but I know that you're gonna get through this.

Uncle Ruckus:
Huh, is this what I'm supposed to be readin' now? This? The Vibe, The Source, JET? You call this a magazine? Look at this! This is a pamphlet! Field & Stream, National Review, Soldier of Fortune, THOSE are magazines! This is a brochure! Ebony, they should call this "National Geographic but the photos are better. And Essence?! Essence of what? Essence of ugliness!

Weggie Rudlin:
Ruckus, we have a saying in BET, we hate black people and I know you share that same sentiment. But I've learned how I could use my blackness against the black race. Look at BET, you think we'd put this shit on the air because it's entertaining? You think we sit down and say, "Hey, let's be entertaining? How about a Baldwin Hills reality show?". I have good taste, Gregory Hines is entertaining, Sammy Davis Jr. he's entertaining. You think I can relate to anything these young niggas have to say? No! We air this shit because we despise our audience! Are there other ways to make money? Yes, of course. Yes, yes. But they all require more work, this is easy. The only people who suffer, the only people who suffer, Ruckus, are black children. I think we both could live with that.

Uncle Ruckus:
Weggie Rudlin, you sho' do have profound insights. but I don't know, I just don't think I could stand life as a darkie.

Jeremiah Wright:
I say, motherfuck America! Motherfuck America's mother! Motherfuck America's daddy! America can eat a dick! America can lick the balls!

Huey:
What about the Ivory Coast?

Ruckus:
ABSOLUTELY NO AFRICA! NO WAY! ALL THEM COUNTRIES GOT NIGGER PRESIDENTS!

(Uncle Ruckus is crying on the porch after hearing Obama win the election)

Ruckus:
Why Lord?!

Sgt. Gudda:
(his response to Thugnificent's opinion of him on the radio) Hey, dawg. First off, I wanna say that I'm a huge fan of Thugnificent, I grew up listinin' to Thugnificent. Matter of fact, I'd even go ahead, as far, to say that I love this nigga, no homo. He's one of the real niggas that made me wanna do this shit. (A second of silence; Thugnificent is pretty amazed to hear what Sgt. Guddda said about him so far.) But fuck this old ass nigga, man! (He laughs; Thugnificent's amazement gives way to a "WTF" expression.) This old nigga is old enough to be my dad, and he tellin' me to eat a dick? Nigga, what's wrong wit' you?! You a grown-ass man and you tellin' a fifteen-year-old to eat a dick? I know yo' mother raised you better than that, dawg. Matter of fact- (he dials on the phone) Excuse me, is this Mrs. Jenkins?

"Mrs. Jenkins":
(over phone) Yes it is.

Sgt. Gudda:
My name is Sgt. Gudda. (Thugnificent is now shocked.) I dunno if you aware, but yo' son said some very rude things about me on the radio.

"Mrs. Jenkins":
(over phone) Yes, I know. He said some very rude things and he's too old to be actin' like dat, and I don't like him usin' that language, either. You know, one time I--

Sgt. Gudda:
(pressing the hold button on the phone) That was yo' mamma, nigga, yo' mamma. (Thugnificent is now furious over this.) Grow yo' old ass up, nigga! I hope you go broke, you fill me? I hope that IRS is on their way over right now to take yo' shit, nigga.

Ed Wuncler Sr.:
Who the fuck are you?!

Jingmei:
I am Jingmei! I come from Tibet! I wanted to beat the Chinese oppressors in kickball!

Ed Wuncler Sr.:
Why?

Jingmei:
I hate fucking Chinese!

Jimmy Rebel:
These are autographed copies my albums. Coonsville.

Granddad:
[offended] Hey!

Jimmy Rebel:
Welfare Queen and Cadillac King, Help Me, I'm Surrounded By Coons, Don't Let Your Niglets Grow Up To Be Niggers, I Almost NAACP'd Myself, Spooks of Hazard, Black Toads and Ghettos, How 'Bout Those Crack Babies, Nigger, Stay Outta My Wife and Niggers Don't Die, They Just Smell Like One.

Granddad:
[extremely angry] Aw, fuck this shit! Ok, that's enough! Get that redneck son of a bitch outta my house!

[Granddad kicks Jimmy and Ruckus out of the house]

[Rufus Crabmiser, Lady Esmeralda, and George Pissedofferson arrive at the gas station]

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh hell no! What ya'll want, nigga? Hurry up, I haven't got all day.

Rufus Crabmiser:
We looking for a place called Woodcrest, is this it?

Uncle Ruckus:
Maybe. Look you want gas or not?

Rufus Crabmiser:
We're looking for a man.

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh yeah, I guess we are. You looking for the number man or the weed man or the welfare man!

Rufus Crabmiser:
No the man I was looking for is named Freeman, Robert Freeman.

Uncle Ruckus:
OH HELL NO, I KNEW IT! You relate to Robert Freeman?

[Rufus, Esmeralda, and George look at each other, then back to Ruckus]

Rufus Crabmiser:
So you know him?

Uncle Ruckus:
Yeah I know him. But Woodcrest don't need no more color. We got our color cultural field. So ya'll get to steppin, get in that piece of shit car, turn it around and head back to the road, crusty the coon.

Rufus Crabmiser:
Why don't you just tell me where Robert is before I put 5 [crack his knuckle with brass knuckle] cross your lips, you big black dummy!

Lady Esmeralda:
Yeah! Start talking, you one eye fish eyed fool.

George Pissedofferson:
Hey, we don't have all night. Buffalo Butt.

Uncle Ruckus:
I ain't scared of decrypted negros, COME ON! [Rufus come toward Uncle Ruckus] NO NO! [All three start attack Ruckus]

Colonel Stinkmeaner (narrating):
Gimmes dis shit, lil' nigga! It's my story! Now my boy, Lord Rufus Crabmiser [point at the screen], Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty [give the middle finger at viewer], and Mister George Pissedofferson met at the Better Passions Retirement Home. Now we hate each other right away; but we hated everyone else, even more.

Old Lady:
Oh, Yum!

[Colonel Stinkmeaner steal Jello from the old lady]

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Swiped! [slurp] Jello jacked nigga!

[The Hateocracy laugh]

Old Lady:
Not again!

[The Hateocracy continue laughing while Rufus Crabmiser cough]

[In bingo hall]

Bingo Host:
A-9, A-9.

[Colonel Stinkmeaner kick the door open and interrupt bingo party]

[everyone gasp]

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Ha Ha! Bingo, sucka!

[The Hateocracy walk toward to the Bingo Host]

Lady Esmeralda:
Bitch, turn yo ass around and look at your damn card.

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
Now What the fuck do I win, nigga!

Bingo Host:
A er... subscription to reader digest!

[Colonel Stinkmeaner snatch the subscription filer]

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
GIMME DAT SHIT, NIGGA!

[A old lady walking at the hallway until the Hateocracy riding wheelchair ramming and bumping anyone over and headed to the old lady]

Colonel Stinkmeaner:
(laugh) MOVE OUT DA WAY, BITCH!

[The Hateocracy ran over a old lady]

Old Lady:
(groan)

[Retirement Owner and staff throw Hateocracy's Bag on the street]

Colonel Stinkmeaner (narrating):
Eventually; they couldn't take us no more and they kick us the fuck out. My crew roamed the earth whooping niggas asses for a decade. [The Hateocracy grabs the bags and leaves] And then we split up. Colonel H. Stinkmeaner-

Huey:
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner died years later in a street fight with Robert Freeman from Woodcrest.

Granddad:
Hey, th-that's me!

Bushido Brown:
That bullshit-ass toilet you bought just broke!

Grandad:
You mean it won't flush?

Bushido Brown:
Did I say it won't flush? The hands-free cleaning system won't work! I told you to get the Tushioki 2200 series. You got the 1100 series, and the 1100 series is some bullshit!

Grandad:
Well, they didn't have the 2200 series.

Bushido Brown:
That's your problem. You'd better have a replacement before I have to take a shit again.

Grandad:
Well, what if I can't get the replacement in time?

Bushido Brown:
Hey, I don't care if you wipe it, but Bushido Brown don't wipe his own ass.

Grandad:
(shocked, speechless) Nigga, did you just tell me to wipe your ass?

[Bushido Brown grins smugly at him.]

Grandad:
That's it! You fired!

Bushido Brown:
(shocked) You firing Bushido Brown?

Grandad:
You heard me! You and all these raggedy motherfuckers you brought with you get the fuck on! I'm sick of this shit.

[After Granddad fires Bushido Brown, he and his advisors are packing their belongings and leaving.]

Bushido Brown:
Now you do understand there's no refunds for early termination on our agreement.

Grandad:
Whatever, nigga. Beat it.

[He opens the door to find the Hateocracy standing in his driveway, and gasps in shock upon seeing this.]

Grandad:
(running after Bushido Brown) Wait! I changed my mind!

Bushido Brown:
Too late, old man. Too. Late. Now if you want to hire me again, I might be available.

Grandad:
Okay, fine.

Bushido Brown:
For double the fee.

Grandad:
Double the fee?! But I've already paid you!

Bushido Brown:
Hey! This ain't a negotiation. Take it or leave it.

Rufus Crabmiser:
If I was you, I'd take it.

Grandad:
(annoyed) Okay, fine, dammit.

[Bushido take his coat and toss at the front door walk toward to Hateocracy, Robert caught his coat]

Rufus Crabmiser:
Ah-ha yes! The Legendary Bushido Brown, the greatest black karate man that ever lived.

Bushido Brown:
That Grandmaster Bushido Brown!

Rufus Crabmiser:
Of course it is.

[Bushido Brown prepare to fight while Esmeralda and George come near him]

Lady Esmeralda:
Come on, Boy! Come on! I ain't scare of you!

[Rufus Crabmiser launches the Flying Guillotine at Bushido Brown, which misses by several feet and embeds in a tree branch. Bushido Brown, assuming the weapon is stuck, proceeds to charge Crabmiser, who retracts the Guillotine -- which cleanly beheads Bushido Brown from behind. Bushido Brown's head sails through the sky in slow motion as a fountain of blood gushes from his neck.]

Grandad, Huey, Riley and Brown's Advisors:
[groan in disgust]

George Pissedofferson:
DY-NO-MIIIIITE!!!

Riley:
Man!

Colonel Stinkmeaner (narrating):
It's a beautiful day to FUCK SHIT UP! (laughs maniacally)

[Bushido Brown's head plops down on the walkway and rolls to the front steps of the Freeman Residence]

Granddad, Huey and Riley:
(in unison) Oh, SHIT!

Granddad:
Now what are we gonna do?

Riley:
[reducing to tears] Oh, man! We gonna die now! This all yo fault, Grandad!

Huey:
Wait! This doesn't have to end this way. Stinkmeaner's death was a huge mistake, but killin' us isn't gonna bring him back.

Granddad:
He's right. Look. What happened with Stinkmeaner, it shouldn't have happen. Okay? I admit it. I was embarrassed 'cause I got beat up by an old man. I was ashamed. I could've walked away from it then, but I didn't. I didn't mean to kill him. It just happened. It's my fault, I'm sorry. There, I've said it. I'm sorry. It was wrong and I wish I could take it back, but I can't. So please, please. Can't we just end this?

Rufus Crabmiser:
Man, we don't give a fuck 'bout no Stinkmeaner.

Grandad and Huey:
What?

Lady Esmeralda:
Just because he was our nigga doesn't mean we gave a shit about his ass.

George Pissedofferson:
We don't need no reason to fuck shit up! That's why we drink Hennessey. That's why we smoke menthols. That's why we's niggas! We likes to ruin shit.

Rufus Crabmiser:
Hell, y'all just gave us an excuse. If it wasn't you, we'd probably just pick someone random and ruin they life.

Grandad:
Huh?

Riley:
Oh, come on!

Huey:
Well, now what?

Rufus Crabmiser:
Now you die.

[The police arrive]

Riley:
Ooh-hoo, the police. Thank God for the pol-- I mean, uh, who snitched?! Who called the Po-Po?

[The Hateocracy put their hands behind their heads as the police arrest them]

Officer:
All right, you three are under arrest for the murder of Bushido Brown.

Grandad:
Oh, thank you, officer. Thank you!

Riley:
I can't believe somebody snitched. That's gay.

Officer:
These three won't be bothering you anymore. But why do you think they were after you guys specifically?

Huey:
It was a nigga moment.

Officer:
Oh, of course -- a nigga moment. Well, there's only one way to end a nigga moment for good -- jail.

Huey:
Jail?

Grandad:
Jail. [chuckles] That makes sense! Jail! Isn't that great, Huey? Jail! Of course! Oh, thank God for jail.

Officer:
Glad we could help. [leaves]

Colonel Stinkmeaner (narrating):
And that's the moral of the story. Some niggas just need to go to jail. I might be in hell, but at least I ain't in jail, nigga. (laughs maniacally)

[The Hateocracy are yelling and protesting in a police car]

Lady Esmeralda:
Let me out this car! (smashes her head against a car window)

Riley:
I can't believe somebody snitched. (gets inside the house) Niggas is out here like running faucets.

Grandad:
Y'all can get off my property now. And make sure you clean this headless dickhead off my yard. And get that ass-squirting toilet out of my house, too! (gets inside the house)

[the episode ends]

Riley:
(to Lamilton) That's it. No more gun. Now whatchoo gonna do?

Grandad:
(to Riley from upstairs; off-screen) Shut the hell up before I come down there and beat you 'til you pee on yourself again!

[After Dr. Doomis dropped Lamilton Taeshawn off the roof of the school out of Riley's hands, which caused him to fall to his death...]

Riley:
You killed him.

Dr. Doomis:
He deserved to die.

Grandad:
[looks down from the roof and gasps] He's... gone. [turns to the right and notices Lamilton limping away, still alive] No, wait. He's right there.

Dr. Doomis:
He's still alive?! [Lamilton turns around and glares at him] No! No! [jumps off the roof] Aah! [lands on Lamilton as Grandad and Riley, but Huey look away and see Doomis grabbing Lamilton while he tries to escape] You're the spawn of Satan! I must destroy you!

Lamilton:
[punches him in the face, releasing him] Get off me! [Doomis grabs him and pins him down] Somebody call my grandmother! You're not supposed to be within 100 yards!

Grandad:
Well, that's that. Let's go home. [He, Huey, and Riley leave the roof]

Boy:
[to Riley] Yo, man. You got a cigarette?

[Riley turns his head with a blank expression]

[episode ends]

Granddad:
(To Riley about the messy living room) Jesus! Boy, look at you. All you do is lay around here and watch TV and eat my food and breathe my air, just as lazy as you can be. Go out and do something.

Riley:
What am I supposed to do? I ain't got no money!

Granddad:
Well, try getting up off your ass and cleaning up my living room. You lucky President Obama is not here to see this! You're lazy, you need a hobby or something!

Riley:
Give me an allowance and I'll find a good hobby.

Granddad:
Allowance?! I allow you to live here. I allow you to eat my food! I allow you to burn up my electricity!

Riley:
I mean a money allowance.

Granddad:
Well, how about this? Trash is starting to stink, and guess what? You're allowed to take it out. Hee-hee-hee.

Riley:
(voice over) I was a loser. I might as well been dead.

Riley:
(voice over) You wanna be in this business, you got to pay the cost of doing business. And when the cost get too high, you get out of business.

Riley:
Look, fuck you, fuck the plane you flew in on, fuck them shoes, fuck those socks with the belt on it, fuck your gay-ass fairy faggot accent, fuck them cheap-ass cigars, fuck your yuck-mouth teeth, fuck your hairpiece, fuck your chocolate, fuck Guy Ritchie, fuck Prince William, fuck The Queen. This is America. My president is black and my Lambo is blue, nigga. Now, get the fuck out my hotel room. And if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the shit out of you.

Robert:
I gon' really let him have it. Show him my stuff. Give that man everything I got.

Riley:
Pause.

Robert:
Pause? Pause what?

Riley:
You said somethin' gay, so you gotta say "no homo" or else you a homo.

Robert:
But what did I say gay?

Riley:
You said you was gon' give this dude everything you got. No homo.

Robert:
That's not gay. I said I was gon' give the man everything I got.

Riley:
Pause, Granddad. If it sound gay, its gay and you gotta say "no homo". How I know you not a homo, Granddad, if you don't say "no homo"?

Robert:
I'm not sayin' "no homo".

Riley:
Okay, you wanna be a homo.

Robert:
Stop callin' your granddaddy a homo!

Riley:
Then say "no homo"!

Robert:
I don't wanna say "no homo"! Imma homo yo' ass if you don't stop sayin' pause!

Riley:
...Pause.

(The Booty Warrior arrive at the house)

Decoy:
Hold on! I'm just got out of shower. There some juice on table.

The Booty Warrior:
Hmm! Take your time.

(Chris Hansen arrive)

Chris Hansen:
You wanna explain to me what you're doing here?

The Booty Warrior:
I came looking for booty.

Chris Hansen:
You came looking for sex with an underage boy?

The Booty Warrior:
Oh no, I ain't come lookin for no little boys. I ain't got no milk, no cookies, nothing. I came looking for man's butt.

Chris Hansen:
A man's butt? Excuse me?

The Booty Warrior:
Oh, I know who you are, Chris Hansen. But see, I likes to calls ya Chris Hansome. I watch your TV show all the time. So you can go ahead and bring in them cameras and them polices waitin for me outside. It don't make me no difference. Now, I'll tell you what: I like ya, and I wantcha. Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours.

Chris Hansen:
Well, I don't think you and I will be doing anything any kind of way.

The Booty Warrior:
Okay, I-I see you choosin the hard way.

Chris Hansen:
Okay, cut. This isn't working. Someone get this guy-

[The booty warrior lunges at Chris, restraining him bent over the counter.]

The Booty Warrior:
Don't make me ruin that butt, Chris!

Chris Hansen:
No! No, please!

The Booty Warrior:
I'm a warrior!

[We hear cloth tearing. Suddenly, Chris Hansen screams in agony as we hear the booty warrior grunting.]

The Booty Warrior:
When you go to prison, the most important thing in your life is gonna be booty. A man's butt.

Inmate:
[From offscreen] Y'all better listen to him.

The Booty Warrior:
Booty, gettin' some booty, is more important than food. It's more important than drinkin' water. If I see a man I like, I tell him like this here. [Looks straight at Tom, the camera zooming in on him as eerie music plays] I likes ya.

Inmate:
He likes ya!

The Booty Warrior:
And I want ya.

Inmate:
And he wants ya!

The Booty Warrior:
Now we can do this the easy way, or we can do it the hard way. The choice is yours. What's it gonna be?

Inmate:
WHATCHU WANT, TOM?!

The Booty Warrior:
I asked you a question, Tom.

Inmate:
I CAN'T HEAR YOU, TOM!

[Tom is shaking and sweating by now, visibly nervous]

Tom:
I don't answer...

The Booty Warrior:
Ah-ah-ah! Excuse me, I didn't hear you, Tom!

Tom:
I said I don't wanna answer- I don't wanna- I don't wanna do this anymore!

The Booty Warrior:
Sound to me like you want it the hard way!

Inmate:
GIVE IT TO 'IM!

[The Booty Warrior and a group of inmates have started an uprising and are attempting to escape the prison, but quickly become lost.]

Inmate 1:
Well, what do we do now?

Inmate 2:
Ask him, it was his idea! Thought y'all had some kind of escape plan worked out or somethin'!

The Booty Warrior:
Weren't no escape plan. Uh... booty, is more important, than escapin'. So, I said to myself when I seen that shank, "This is an opportunity for me to get some booty".

Inmate 3:
That was it? Nigga, I thought you had demands!

The Booty Warrior:
Oh, I had demands! I had demands to get some booty!

Inmate 3:
I thought this was supposed to be some Attica type shit!

The Booty Warrior:
Now, how y'all think that make me feel?! Y'all let the booty get away! Now I gotta go hunt down the booty! Damn!

Riley:
I hate to this, Grandad. But you did look like a pussy punk bitch. You should've stuck with your story.

Robert:
It was a DNA test.

Riley:
Well, study next time. (Huey hits him with a book) Ow!

Huey:
Grandad, there's no use beating yourself up.

Riley:
Yeah, Steve Wilkos already did that.

Robert:
I can't believe all this time. A son. A son named Lando.

Huey:
Grandad, it's not all your fault. This doesn't make you a horrible person.

Steve Wilkos:
(on TV) It's all your fucking fault! You're a horrible fucking person!

Robert:
Oh, why me? Why did he do this to me?

Robert:
Shut the fuck up. I'm sick of this shit.

Steve Wilkos:
In the case of 25-year-old gardener and landscaper, Lando Freeman, Robert, you ARE the father.

News Announcer:
[voice-over] It's a scene normally reserved for major Hollywood blockbusters. The faithful have been lined up for days-some arrived in costume-all for the love of chicken. [Robert and Riley, hearing about the news, are in happy delight. Meanwhile, Huey is seen working on a generator with Jazmine next to him]

Huey:
Okay, try it. [Jazmine turns on a switch nearby; however, it fails and the generator explodes, hurting Huey]

Jazmine:
Huey! [the TV is seen, this time with a commercial with a man dancing with two pieces of chicken in his hands, imitating a chicken about the news report earlier]

Announcer:
Tomorrow, the fried chicken event of a lifetime... one more herb, one more spice, the new Kernel's Fried Chicken. New, original recipe, now with 13 herbs... [TV shuts off and so does the power, which was caused by Huey's generator]

Robert:
What the... I bet it's your brother! I knew I should've abandoned him at the mall when I had the chance! [Huey and Jazmine comes in, as Robert speaks to Huey] BOY! What did I tell you, huh?! I said you can do what you want with your little survival thing, but don't mess with my TV. Every year, it's a new disaster- bird flu, swine flu, World War III, killer asteroids, new world order...what was...the tri-sexual commission. What the hell is a tri-sexual, anyway?

Huey:
[to Robert] Trilateral!

Robert:
I got a silly contraption in my garage, a hundred gallons of fucking water! I got more damn Cheerios and canned green beans than I'm ever gonna eat.

Huey:
Granddad, I promise you'll be thanking me when the crisis comes.

Robert:
Where is the crisis, boy? Where's the disaster? Where's the return of investment? All this damn money for extra food and toilet paper? That's it! It's over! I ain't spending over another damn dime on the end of the world. You're on your own now, Jack. [to Riley] Boy, you ready to go get some chicken?

Riley:
Yeah! Yeah!

Robert:
[to Jazmine] You want some fried chicken, little baby?

Jazmine:
Fried chicken is murder. [Robert and Riley shows an irritated face to Jazmine]

Robert:
Suit yourself. [to Riley] Come on. Let's go. [they both leave with Riley chuckling. Then, they both drive off]

Riley:
YEAH! [in the garage with Huey still working on his generator with Jazmine behind him, seated]

Jazmine:
What's that for, anyway?

Huey:
It's a generator.

Jazmine:
What does it do?

Huey:
Nothing, right now, but if I can get it to work, it could save our lives.

Jazmine:
So, how bad is it gonna be, when the end of the world comes?

Huey:
I don't know, but I got it all worked out so the three of us can survive in this house as long as possible.

Jazmine:
Three?

Huey:
Me, Riley and Granddad.

Jazmine:
What about everyone else?

Huey:
I can't save everyone else. If I tried, I'd just end up saving nobody.

Jazmine:
What about me? Would you let me stay here-you know, if things got bad?

Huey:
The plan is for three people. A fourth person, and we could run out of food or water.

Jazmine:
But I'm your friend. Can't you make a plan for four people? [Huey continues working on the generator]

Huey:
I guess.

Jazmine:
[sighs] I feel much better about that now. You know, Huey, everybody says that you're a loony person, but I think one day, you're gonna be smarter than everybody. [on the road, Robert and Riley are still in delight]

Riley:
Man, this chicken gonna be off the chain! [singing] I can't wait! I can't wait! Mmm! I'm gonna get some chicken! I can't wait!

Robert:
See, you kids don't know how lucky you've have it. All my life, we only had 11 herbs and spices. This is a whole new... [Robert sees cars in front of him] Oh.

Riley:
AAAHHH!

Robert:
Oh man! [a line of over 100 cars are waiting in line for the chicken up to Kernel's Fried Chicken. Several hours later, Robert's car finally makes it to the ordering machine]

Riley:
[sleeptalking] A two-piece special with lots of hot sauce and all the fries you can give me. [Robert wakes him up]

Robert:
Boy, wake up! It's almost chicken time. [a man in front of Robert's car begins yelling at the ordering machine]

Man #1:
What?! I can't believe what you're telling me! What?! Huh? [Robert exits his car] No way! No goddamn way! Hell no!

Robert:
What is it?

Man #1:
These motherfuckers say that they're out of chicken!

Robert:
WHAT?!

Man #1:
Listen, listen!

KFC Female Worker:
Welcome to Kernel's Fried Chicken. Unfortunately, we are out of chicken at the moment. Please go away until we have more chicken. Thank you. God bless.

Robert:
They ran out of chicken!

Riley:
Aw, man! This is some old bullshit. [another man comes out]

Man #2:
No chicken?! You mean I ain't gonna get that bucket?! [a woman appears]

Woman #1:
How can they be out of chicken?! It's Kernel's Fried Chicken!

Robert:
This is outrageous! This is an outrage. [Riley pulls out his cell phone and dials 911]

Riley:
Hello? 911? No, I ain't calling to snitch! I got a real emergency! Yeah, I'll hold.

Man #3:
Some of us have been looking forward to this day for a long, long time. [Riley resumes his conversation with the police]

Riley:
Hello? My emergency? These fools done ran out of chicken! [the female worker repeats her previous line on the ordering machine but is stopped in mid-sentence and the first man kicks the ordering machine and rips it off with a second kick, shocking the others. The crowd angrily faces the female worker and two male workers. The crowd iindistinctly shouts and complains]

Robert:
That's what they do-keep screwing the little man. They're not gonna get away with this!

Man #1:
[to Robert] You right! [to the others] Hey, he's right! It's time for us to fight back! Let's knock some mothafuckas out about this chicken. [the man walks away]

Robert:
[angrily] We are not going to get away from this. [the first man gets into his car]

Man #1:
Damn, no chicken?! That's some bull [reverses his car into the front entrance to the crowd. The crowd looks at the man in his car. He then drives off and everyone gets out of the way while the man destroys the entrance. Everyone goes into the restaurant and they finally get their chicken, with Robert and Riley left out. Later, a news anchorman reports.]

Anchorman:
Tonight, civil unrest explodes in several major American cities [shots of riots are shown] There have been reports of fires, lootings, and violence in the streets [Huey is shown watching the news] all over a fast-food promotion gone terribly wrong. As the first customers tasted the new secret recipe, reviews were stellar.

Man on TV:
Yo, motherfuckers! Yo, nigga, this shit is bad as fuck! [grabs a white man and shoves the chicken in his mouth. The white man begins chewing it] You, put this shit in your mouth, man! Eat that mothafucka, eat it! [resumes to anchorman]

Anchorman:
But early on in the day, there were signs of trouble- [zooms to a picture of a crowd of impatient African Americans] impatient crowds, [shows picture of a lot of cars stretched in lines] drive-thru lines stretching for miles, [a video clip of a black man getting his chicken until another black man grabs him and the two both struggle] scuffles between tired and hungry customers. [a sobbing woman with another woman is being interviewed]

Sobbing Woman:
How you gonna say you got chicken and you ain't got no chicken? You knew y'all was gonna do this for a year! How am I supposed to feed my family now?! I want my [bleep] chicken! [camera shows Huey] My babies want their [bleep] chicken! [Robert and Riley come in]

Robert:
[off-screen] I can't believe it. No chicken. I always miss out on the hot new thing!

Anchorman:
And now, another crisis brewing-this one around a mysterious virus that seems to have appeared out of thin air and is spreading like wildfire. Already, there are 400 confirmed cases of the mystery virus in all 50 states, and the CDC warns it could spread thousands by the end of the week. Personally, I'm scared shitless and for good reason. Where this virus came from is anybody's guess.

Huey:
It's the chicken. [knocking at the door]

Robert:
Who is it? [shows Tom at the door]

Huey:
[off-screen] Have you eaten the chicken?

Tom:
Huh? Huey, it's Tom and Jazmine.

Huey:
[in gas mask] Have you eaten the chicken?

Tom:
[chuckles] No. [Huey opens the door]

Huey:
What?

Jazmine:
Huey, did you hear about the mystery virus?

Tom:
Huey, you've got Jazmine terrified about this end-of-the-world stuff.

Jazmine:
Tell him, Huey! Tell him the end is coming.

Tom:
Look, if you guys want to play your little make-believe survival games, that's fine. But, sweetie, I promise you, the world is not going to end.

Jazmine:
Please, daddy, it's not safe!

Tom:
Sweetie, I have to pick up your mother. Stay as long as you want. Have fun. Call me when you want to come home.

Jazmine:
[to her father] No! [Tom leaves]

Huey:
He made his choice. You in or out? [the anchorman is reporting]

Anchorman:
Nobody, anyway, saw it coming. It's being called "the fried chicken flu". Thousands are sick, and CDC officials confirm today that the same fried chicken responsible for a second day of riots around the country is also responsible for a pandemic that experts are saying could reach biblical proportions.

CDC Expert:
I've never seen any fucked up shit. I got to get out of here! [off-screen] Get out of my fucking way! [expert opens the door and closes it. The Freemans and Jazmine are in panic]

Riley:
Wow.

Jazmine:
Oh...my...god!

Granddad:
Oh, man. This is terrible.

Riley:
Now we'll never get to try that chicken.

Anchorman:
Today, [the mayor eating a chicken with cameras flicking flashes] the mayor of Louisville ate chicken at a press conference in show of support. [mayor in a strecher with some vomit on his shirt as he is being carried away by paramedics] Seven hours later, he was in a coma. [sick people are eating fried chicken] Yet, amazingly, people are still eating chicken, packing into the few restaraunts that still have the golden bird in stock, willing to risk life and limb for a leg and a thigh.

Jazmine:
We're all gonna die!

Huey:
[to Jazmine] We are not going to die!

Robert:
No, she's right. We're all gonna die! [Jazmine begins sobbing] God, please, take everyone else but not me!

Huey:
We are not going to die. This is the day I've been planning for my whole life. [carries four booklets and hands them to everyone] Here is the survival plan. It contains guidelines for security, food and water rationing, energy usage, communications et cetera, et cetera.

Robert:
What?

Riley:
[to Huey] Nigga, what is this? Homework?

Huey:
[to everyone] Everything you need to know is in your packet. It's easy to understand, and I used extra-large type.

Robert:
Uh, you know, I don't like to read instructions.

Riley:
Yeah, and I don't like to read, period!

Robert:
Just give us the gist.

Huey:
No! You need to read all of it! It's all important.

Robert:
Okay, but what's the most important stuff? [Huey groans]

Huey:
I guess the most important thing is that we keep quiet about our emergency supplies and we don't let anyone else in the house, no matter what.

Robert:
Fine. Agreed.

Jazmine:
What about mommy and daddy?!

Huey:
There's nothing we can do for them. They're goners.

Robert:
Huey's right. They're on their own.

Riley:
They gonna die. [Jazmine begins crying very loudly] Hey man, she gonna be crying like this all the time? 'Cause I say if she is, we kick her out.

Robert:
Shh! Everybody shush! Shush! President Obama's talking. I know he's gonna tell us what to do. [Barack Obama is shown]

Barack Obama:
Uh, good afternoon. I'd like to start off by thanking all of you out there, uh, who have called and written letters about the safety of the first family. You'll be happy to know that Michelle, Sasha, Malia, myself and Bo are all fine.

Robert:
Don't nobody care about you, man! Tell us everything gonna be okay for us.

Barack Obama:
Everything is gonna be okay...for us. We are currently in our very own super-secret underground bunker with enough food and water and entertainment to last several lifetimes. But I'm here tonight to talk about you. In times of crisis, Americans pull together. And what's gonna get us through this difficult time? Sharing...

Robert:
Sharing?

Barack Obama:
Lending a helping hand to a neighbor in their hour of need.

Robert:
No, fuck a neighbor! What we need is a cure!

Barack Obama:
Unfortunately, there is no cure for the pandemic we now face. But we do have an even more powerful weapon...compassion for our fellow man.

Robert:
No, fuck compassion for our fellow man!

Barack Obama:
In conclusion, I want to say that we are in some tough times ahead, and when I say "we", I mean you. But Michelle, Sasha, Malia, myself, and Bo are gonna be right here rooting for you all the way. Good night and God bless you and may God bless the United States of America.

Robert:
[mourning] We're all gonna die! [Jazmine and Robert begin crying] We're all gonna die! [screen fades black. The next day, Huey comes in the kitchen]

Robert:
Hey, good morning, Huey! [switches to a woman sitting near the table eating cereal] You want some breakfast?

Huey:
Granddad, what's going on?

Robert:
Just a little breakfast. Oh, by the way, this is Tina. She's gonna be staying here until the cris blows over. [Tina waves to Huey]

Huey:
Granddad, the plan was for four people.

Robert:
Well, how come you get to have a little friend and I can't have a friend?

Huey:
It's not a slumber party, Granddad! I planned on Jazmine being here. I didn't plan for anyone else.

Robert:
Well, your plan sucked! Shoot, you think the world's gonna end, I'm gonna be trapped up in here looking at y'all sweaty-necked negroes? You crazy! [door bell rings] Uh, I'll get it!

Huey:
Grandad, wait! [follows his grandfather] Granddad, the emergency plan says we don't open the front door until we know the identity of the person outside and can confirm they don't have...[Robert opens the door to reveal Thugnificent]

Robert:
[to Thugnificent] What do you want?

Thugnificent:
Hey, uh, Riley told me y'all had a fly little emergency setup over here, and, to be honest, a nigga was kind of wondering if he could hold it down for a little while. [Riley walks from the stairs]

Riley:
[chuckles] Hey, what up, Thugnificent? Granddad, can he stay with us, too?

Huey:
[to Riley] NO!

Robert:
Why should I help him?

Thugnificent:
Look, old nigga, this fried chicken flu is kind of scaring a nigga, man! Mothafuckas is wilin' out and shit. I mean, look, I don't know shit about survival, I'm a rapper.

Huey:
[to Thugnificent] NO!

Robert:
Nope. Sorry!

Riley:
That's a cold situation. Both of y'all get friends, and I can't have a friend?

Robert:
He does have a point. [to Thugnficent] You know, I don't like playing favorites.

Thugnificent:
And I don't want you to think I came empty-headed either, nigga! Ain't nothing Thugnificent about being a freeloader. You smell me? LEONARD! [Leonard appears with two bags of Wendy's food]

Leonard:
Yo, anybody hungry? I got the whole menu right here, minus the chicken, or course. Check it out, we got singles, doubles, bacon doubles, double bacons with a little bit of meat on it, frosties, some chili cheese, right here. I wouldn't touch that, though, I tasted it on the way here. I ain't gonna lie-I ate the chili cheese. That's why I said don't taste it. But who wants some other stuff?

Huey:
Granddad, this is not in the plan.

Robert:
Well, according to the plan, all we got to eat is Cheerios and green beans. So, once again, your plan sucks. [to Leonard] You got the bacon cheeseburgers?

Leonard:
Here you go, Mr. Freeman. [hands Robert the food]

Robert:
Thank you kindly.

Thugnificent:
[laughs] Where my room at, nigga? [Robert shuts the door]

Meteorologist:
Now, again, we don't want anyone to panic, but let's look at some of the projected casualty rates. Let's start with New York-projected million and a half dead. Maryland-three hundred thousand dead. Florida-a million and a half projected to push up days and now certain fears that the virus may have jumped franchises. May be affecting chickens from Bluto's, Temple's Chicken, and even Chicke-le-fait. [zooms out of TV]

Thugnificent:
Damn! Everyone is catching this shit man! That must be some good-ass chicken.

Riley:
The real tragedy is that we may never, ever get to eat fried chicken again. [doorbell rings. From the surveillance camera at the front door, Tom and Sarah are seen]

Tom:
Robert? Huey?

Sarah:
Anyone home?

Robert:
[to Huey] Say "no". [Jazmine pushes Robert and Huey out of the way] Hey.

Jazmine:
Mommy! Daddy!

Huey:
What do you want? This [in deep disorted voice from outside] is a restricted area.

Tom:
Huey, uh...it's us. We're just checking on Jazmine and, um, wondering if it was too late to...

Sarah:
Is Huey home? Can we just talk to Huey? Or Robert?

Huey:
[in deep disorted voice] This is Huey.

Tom:
Huey, let us in!

Huey:
I can't.

Jazmine:
That's not fair! You let everyone else in!

Robert:
[deep voice] Oh to hell with them! They're on their own! [back into the house] We don't even have enough food for two more people.

Jazmine:
What about what Leonard brought!

Riley:
No way. That's for us!

Tom:
Guys, it's us-Tom and Sarah. We are your neighbors and dear friends. We've had so many hilarious adventures together. Come on. [Tom becomes angry. Sarah gives a frowning face] You're really gonna leave us here to die?

Huey:
[whispers] Maybe we should let them in, 'cause Jazmine will start crying and we'll never get her to shut up.

Robert:
Okay, I guess.

Huey:
Step forward to the camera. [Tom and Sarah does so. The scanner occurs and the two are in perfect shape] They can come in.

Jazmine:
Really?! Thank you, Huey! Thank you, thank you!

Huey:
But they're not allowed to eat anything.

Robert:
Works for me. [everyone leaves with Jazmine somehow left behind. In the living room, everyone is eating Wendy's food. Tom and Sarah are disappointed. Jazmine is eating Cheerios.]-

Huey:
[sighs] Eleven people. We don't have anywhere near enough food and water.

Uncle Ruckus:
I agree. There's way too many darkies in this house. [everyone pauses]

Robert:
Ruckus? [drops his bacon cheeseburger]

Huey:
Ruckus, what are you doing here?

Uncle Ruckus:
Oh, funniest things happen. I was in the attic, replacing some of that insulation, like you asked me to, Robert. Then there was like some kind of explosion. Then it went black, and I hit my noggin. I just woke up like five minutes ago. [Robert comes up to him]

Robert:
You've been here this whole time?!

Uncle Ruckus:
Yeah, but don't you worry. Old Uncle Ruckus is fine. I'm just fine. Oh, I noticed the president was on TV. What was that well-dressed nigga talking about? [at the door, Uncle Ruckus is being thrown out, but the boys, Robert, and Thugnificent struggle in doing so]

Robert:
Get the hell out of here! Come on, Ruckus, get on!

Uncle Ruckus:
No, please, don't send me out there! I don't want the chicken flu! Lord, I'm too young to die! Please! I swear I'll never say anything out this dark!

Robert:
No, get your fat ass outta here! [throws Uncle Ruckus out] Here, have a gas mask. [throws Uncle Ruckus a gas mask. Robert closes door. A female reporting explaining about the virus]

Anchorwoman:
Asian stocks posted their biggest single-day decline history because of the fried chicken flu outbreak. [channel changes to another news channel]

Anchorman #2:
The government of Pakistan collapsed as a result of the fried chicken flu pandemic. [a group of American soldiers are seen, wearing masks. The channel changes to another news channel]

Female Reporter:
Authorities say the fried chicken flu is responsibe for the tsunami that hit the coast of Vietnam this morning. [channel changes to the news channel from the beginning of the episode]

Anchorman:
With everyone either sick or afraid of getting sick, the nation has come to a complete standstill. [a video of a lot of people in the hospital] Hospitals are overwhelmed, as are all basic services-power, water, cellphone and internet service. What? What's that? We're going live to yet another address from President Obama. [President Barack Obama is making another announcement]

Barack Obama:
Good evening. My fellow Americans, I want you to know that in this time of crisis, I am personally doing everything I can to help you. And by "everything", I mean sitting here and talking to you in a calm, soothing voice. And as long as you can hear my voice, everything is gonna be just fine. [the TV shuts off and so does the power. Huey and Jazmine are in the garage working on the generator]

Huey:
All that work, all that planning-why did I even try?

Jazmine:
Because you're different from everyone else.

Huey:
Maybe you're right. Okay, try it. [Jazmine pulls the switch; it works, and the power soon comes back on]

Jazmine:
I knew you could do it. [Huey sighs. Huey arrives in the living room only to find everyone is using all the power- Riley playing his video games; Sarah doing Jazmine's hair using a blowdryer; Thugnificent using the computer for a camera; Leonard vacuuming; and finally, Robert making smoothies]

Huey:
Guys, wait! You're gonna use up all the power!

Robert:
What, boy?!

Huey:
You're gonna use up all the power!

Robert:
I can't hear you! We have too much electronic equipment running at the same time! [the power shuts off]

Leonard:
Aw, I'm scared of the dark!

Riley:
[throws controller on the floor] DAMN! [days later, everyone is bored of the power outage]

Thugnificent:
[to Huey] How long we got to be up in here, man? It's been like a week and a half! We ain't got no power! It's getting a little old, all right?

Huey:
No one's forcing you to stay here.

Thugnificent:
Oh, oh, I get it! You want me to leave and go outside and get the fried chicken flu. Is that it, nigga?! You're trying to kill a nigga, nigga?!

Ms. Von Housen:
Robert Freeman, this is the Woodcrest Fried Chicken Flu Militia. We demand to speak with you at once. [Robert and Huey heads to the camera to find Mrs Von Housen, Uncle Ruckus, and other white folks at the front door] We understand you are hoarding emergency supplies. This is a serious offense in a time of crisis.

Uncle Ruckus:
You tell them, Ms. Von Housen. They got all types of goodies up in there. They got green beans and Cheerios and drinkable water-even a device that lets you pee in a cup and drink it right back in again. Still tastes like pee, but you get the idea.

Ms. Von Housen:
The Woodcrest Fried Chicken Flu Militia will enforce the law until order is re-established. We demand that you let us in to inspect your house. [Huey and Robert looks at each other]

Huey:
[in deep disorted voice] No!

Ms. Von Housen:
I insist, Mr. Freeman! Let us in at once! [back to Huey and Riley's room]

Robert:
Let me try! [in deep disorted voice] Get the fuck on! [the white folks gasps]

Ms. Von Housen:
Mr. Freeman, we are not leaving until you allow us in!

Robert:
That bitch must have lost her mind. We got to do something. What should we do?

Huey:
It's in the plan. Did anyone read the plan? [everyone mumbles]

Jazmine:
I did! Homemade tear gas.

Robert:
Homemade tear gas-that's an idea! Uh-huh.

Jazmine:
Yeah that's it!

Robert:
That's an ideal response. That'll solve our problems. [they immediately make the tear gas. Then, Huey joins all the men on the roof] Hey old woman, suck on this!

Thugnificent:
[to Ms. Von Housen] That's right! Eat an old dick, old bitch! [Ms. Von Housen and the others panic]

Riley:
Fall back, faggots.

Tom:
[to Riley] Now Riley, there's no need to be homophobic. [throws tear gas and taunts the townsfolk] Eat it, you pussy-punk bitches!

Ms. Von Housen:
[about the boys] The terrorists are using chemical weapons! [to the townsfolks] Retreat! Retreat! [the men cheers. In the house, Jazmine, Huey, and Tom are sweating and out of breath]

Jazmine:
How do you know if someone has fried chicken flu?

Huey:
Well, it normally starts with a temperature and excessive sweatiness. [Tom pulls his collar] After that, tremendous stomach pain [Tom moans and holds his stomach painfully], headache, [Tom grabs his head] loss of balance. [Tom falls on the couch] As mucus builds up, they'll begin to have an incredible amount of snot. [Tom sneezes and reveals his great amount of snot] And after that, the inevitable projectile vomit. [Tom vomits as Huey and Jazmine turn around, Jazmine screams and she sees her father with vomit all over as he loses consciousness. Sarah and Jazmine are outside the door of the guest room]

Sarah:
Stay calm. Stay calm. [in the room, Huey is dressed in a quarantine suit]

Huey:
Tom! Tom! Can you hear me? Tom, I need to know how you contracted the flu? Did you leave the house?

Tom:
No. I was so hungry, that I-Leonard, it was un-delicious. [Huey goes downstairs to the refrigerator. He pulls out the remaining Wendy's bag]

Leonard:
I swear, my left hand, right hand to God, I did not feed him no chicken-just some fries and some buffalo wings.

Riley:
Aw, man. There was chicken in here all this time?

Leonard:
Chicken? No, no, not chicken-buffalo wings. You ain't just hear me say "buffalo wings"? You know what? When I tried one, I thought to myself, "this tastes like chicken", but then the fact it was a buffalo, I was like, "Nah, I don't wan't to say it out loud. Y'all gonna think I'm stupid". That's why I ain't get no chicken. Just got the buffalo.

Huey:
Buffalo?

Robert:
Get out of here! [we see Thugnificent naked with Tina half-naked]

Thugnificent:
You, what's going on nigga!

Robert:
You no-good, back-stabbing nigga! You too, you nasty-ass hooker!

Thugnificent:
It ain't like that!

Robert:
You mean I didn't just catch you on top of Tina?!

Thugnificent:
Well...yeah, you did, but I swear I thought it was cool, man.

Robert:
You thought it was COOL?! How is that cool?!

Thugnificent:
I swear to God, man, she told me you wouldn't mind! I thought, you know, you was sharing with the homey! I mean, it ain't no fun unless your ho-nigga, you know what I'm talking about! Look, I-I thought we was tag-teaming on the ass, right.

Robert:
That's disgusting! Get out! All of you, out, OUT!

Thugnificent:
Please, please, please, let me stay, old nigga! I'm sorry I smashed your broad, all right? What are we going to do?!

Leonard:
I didn't mean to kill Tom. I fed him 'cause I wanted him to live. And now he ain't gonna live, so it's like, why did I feed him? But I didn't mean to kill him. [Robert shuts the door. Everyone is in the gas mask in the room where Tom is]

Huey:
Betty's militia is going to come back, and we can't defend this place by ourselves. We have to go!

Jazmine:
Leave the house? But where are we gonna go?

Huey:
Don't know. We'll have to take our chances.

Tom:
You guys go without me. I'm only gonna slow you down.

Sarah:
[shedding tears from her eyes] Honey, no. We'd never leave you.

Robert:
Okay, if that's what you want. Come on, boys. We out of here.

Jazmine:
Mr. Freeman?

Tom:
It's okay. There isn't enough room for the food and me. Take the food. Leave me. [everyone gets the supplies and ties them on top of Robert's car. Then, Robert carries Tom]

Robert:
Ooh, Tom, you're heavy. [puts Tom in the trunk] Don't die in my trunk. [closes the trunk. Ms Von Housen and the rest arrives in custom-made clothing]

Ms. Von Housen:
Robert Freeman, you, sir, are a terrorist and a threat to the public good! Prepare to be apprehended! [laughs evilly. The garage door opens with Robert preparing for war and drives off] After them! [the townsfolk enters the bus] Get in the bus! [on the road as the bus, driven by Uncle Ruckus, catches them. Uncle Ruckus rams Robert's car and, in response, Robert rams the bus and the two have a struggle. Some of the men from the militia jump on top of the car and they loosen up the supplies and fall down along with the supplies. Thugnificent, in his delivery truck, along with Leonard, appear on the road. Everyone, except for Huey, gasps and screams as Thugnificent crashes the bus. The bus and truck then slide off the road.]

Ms. Von Housen:
ROBERT FREEMA... [Uncle Ruckus shoves her head onto the ground]

Uncle Ruckus:
NEXT TIME, NIGGA!

Thugnificent:
RIDE ON, OLD MAN! I LOVE YOU, ROBERT! I'M SORRY OLD NIGGA! [turns around to the townsfolk] What the fuck y'all wearing?! [The anchorman is in front of Kernel's Fried Chicken]

Anchorman:
We're here at Kernel's Fried Chicken outside of Woodcrest. It now seems that the fried chicken flu was actually salmonella. None of those millions of people projected to die have died. In fact, it appears nobody has died. We are being told there are still large areas without power, meaning many people are still not aware that the crisis has ended. We're going to go now to...wait. I'm seing something here. Uh, it looks like something's coming right at us. [the cameraman switches to Robert's car on the road] Dear God, RUN! [the car crashes into the camera and into the restaurant. The Freemans and the others regain consciousness]

Riley:
[off-screen] Are we dead?

Sarah:
I think I'm sitting on Tom.

Tom:
[off-screen] I'm okay.

Robert:
[to the employee] Ooh! Can I get-can I get a two-piece and a biscuit?

Riley:
And all the fries you can give me? [The Freemans lose consciousness]

(Uncle Ruckus talks about how his adopted father always used to abuse him)

Uncle:
(voice over) I had two younger brothers: my brother Darryl, and my other brother Darell, but Mister always seemed to single me out the worst. (young Darryl and Darell bump on the table, knocking over a vase and breaking it accidentally) I would get beatin’s fo' anything.

(Mister comes into the house and notices the broken vase, blaming young Uncle)

Mister:
(furious) Nigga, did you just break that vase?!

(Mister slaps Uncle violently all the way to the floor. Bunny rushes in and cradles her son.)

Bunny:
Oh, sweet Jesus, Lord have mercy, my baby!

(Wipe fade to show young Uncle holding a teddy bear and admiring it)

Uncle:
(voice over) Just havin' fun was off limits in Mister's house.

(Mister comes in, noticing Uncle holding the teddy bear)

Mister:
(furious) Nigga, did I just catch you havin' fun?!

(Mister slaps Uncle violently all the way to the floor. Bunny rushes in and cradles her son.)

Bunny:
Oh, sweet Jesus, Lord have mercy, my baby!

(Wipe fade to show young Uncle reading a book about doctors)

Uncle:
(voice over) Every day, he reminded me of what a failure I was going to be.

Young Uncle:
(noticing his father come in) Mister, I wanna be a doctor when I grow up.

Mister:
(furious) Nigga, did I just catch you wantin' to be shit?!

(Mister slaps Uncle violently all the way to the floor. Bunny rushes in and cradles her son.)

Bunny:
Oh, sweet Jesus, Lord have mercy, my baby!

Uncle:
(voice over) My darling adopted negro mother, who I loved almost like she was white, did the best she could.

Bunny Ruckus:
Now, don't you listen to me, Uncle. You ain't no worthless nigga. Deep down, deep down in your heart, you always have to believe that you are special.

Uncle:
(voice over) She made sure I knew all my white history.

Young Uncle Ruckus:
Mama, who's George Washington Carver?

Bunny Ruckus:
He's the man responsible for more peanut allergy deaths than anyone who ever lived. Baby, why don't we read about Eli Whitney instead? He invented the cotton gin. He was a great white man. Just like you.

(Nelly Ruckus remarks about Mister's family, and says that she's dying)

Nelly:
Ugh, look at you. Didn't I tell you, you wasn't gonna be shit with yo' stupid ugly wife and yo' stupid ugly chirrens? I can't wait to die so I don't have to look at yo' ugly, black nigga ass anymo'. Goddamnit!

(Mister has just about had it with Nelly's remark)

Mister:
Aaaaaaaaaaauuuuggh! I can't take it, no mo'!

(When Nelly Ruckus died)

Darryl:
Uncle, she gone.

Robert:
In my living room?! Oh, No!

Robert:
(Seeing Nelly dead, sitting slumped in the chair) In my living chair?! OH, NO!!! (Turns to Huey) Huey! Get my chainsaw!

(After Nelly Ruckus's death)

Mister:
(Drunkenly) Where we going?

Darryl:
Back to the hotel, Daddy.

Mister:
Already?! Let's keep partying! She's finally dead!!

(At Nelly Ruckus's funeral, at Mister's remarks about Uncle)

Uncle:
No, that's okay. Keep talking, keep talking, Daddy. That's the eulogy the whole woman deserves! Oh, she did this to you and now you doing it to me! You've been doing it our WHOLE lives and it's getting old! It's getting REAL OLD, Old Man, so GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM THEN SIT DOWN AND SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

(Everybody gasp at Uncle's outburst)

Robert:
Oh, shit...

Mister:
Boy, what did you say to me?

Uncle:
(Innocently) Um... what part in particular?

Mister:
I'LL SHOW YOU WHAT PART!!!

(Goes to raise a bottle of alcohol to hit Uncle, but feels a sharp of pain)

Mister:
(In pain) OWWW!!! My back! It's my old injury!

(Mister stumbles and falls into Nelly Ruckus's grave, breaking his neck and killing him)

Darrel:
He's dead!

Darryl:
Well, I guess Grandma Nellie got her wish.

Bunny:
Yes, now I can marry my white lover!

Uncle:
If only Mister live long enough to love the white man too.

(In the final minutes of the episode, an angry Jack Flowers takes Ed Wuncler, III.)

Ed, III:
HEEEEEEEELLLLP!! Somebody, shoot this muthafucka! (as Jack Flowers takes him away) You can't do this to me! Do you know who I am? GRANDADDY!!

Ed Wuncler, Sr.:
(responding with a smile) What are you waiting for? Shoot him!