Trailer Park Boys, Season 3 (2003)

Ricky:
Julian, I can't deal with this bullshit right now!

Julian:
It's alright, man.

Ricky:
What time is it, Bubbles?

Bubbles:
It's 11:30 Ricky.

[Ricky lights a cigarette in the bank]

Bubbles:
Ricky, you can't fucking light up in the bank!

Ricky:
I can do whatever the fuck I want now, buddy! I'm rich as fuck now! 38 grand in unmarked bills, I don't give a fuck!

Unknown Man:
Uh-oh.

Julian:
Ricky, calm down.

Ricky:
Julian, fuck all this bullshit. Fuck this bank. Let's just go spend it, man. Let's go shopping. We need some gifts, come on.

Julian:
Ricky, were gonna set up some GIC's and some RSP's, man. That's an investment.

Bubbles:
Bingo.

Julian:
You got it?

Ricky:
Fuck investments, Julian.

Julian:
Listen, we can go on vacation every year, man. Go on a cruise or something.

Ricky:
I don't give a fuck about a cruise. I wanna go spend the cash right now.

Bubbles:
Ricky, that's what smart people do with their fucking money. Invest it. Julian's handling all my finances.

Julian:
Listen, we just set up a few business in the trailer park, man. Why don't you let me control your money.

Ricky:
Control my money? Fuck RSVP's, Julian. What about Freedom 35!? I thought we were fucking retired!

Bubbles:
Uh-oh.

Julian:
Calm down.

Ricky:
I grew the fucking dope! It's my fucking money!

Bubbles:
You can't scream 'dope' out in the bank.

Ricky:
Dope dope dope-itty fucking dope dope!

Bubbles:
Here's security.

Ricky:
Fuck.

Julian:
Nice. Listen, I can walk out on my own, guys.

Bubbles:
Perfect!

Julian:
I can explain this.

Ricky:
Fuck off, salamander head! Give me my fucking cigarette back! Fuck off! Let go of me!

Bubbles:
Everybody calm down! We're leaving!

[Ricky pulls up next to Randy and Jim]

Ricky:
Hey, guys. Don't want any trouble. Just got out of jail, I'm a new man. I got lots of money, all right? So I don't want to start any bullshit. What I do want is a brand-new double-wide trailer. The nicest one you got.

Jim:
That'll cost you, Ricky.

Ricky:
Yeah? Well, here's a thousand dollars down, for hook-up fees and six month's lease up front.

Jim:
Where the hell'd you get that kind of money?

Ricky:
I got lots of money, Lahey.

[Julian rolls past in a new Ford Mustang convertible, stereo thumping]

Jim:
Oh, I get it. Never mind.

Ricky:
Lahey, I've got my own money, all right? I got lots of it in an endless supply. I want a double-wide trailer by 5:00 tomorrow or I'm calling Barbara. Simple as that.

Jim:
Ricky, I'm not hauling anything in this park unless I get $5000 down.

Ricky:
Believe me, I'd give you the money right now, but I don't trust either one of you fuck row knots.

Jim:
Yeah? And I don't trust you, shit bat. Collateral, Rick, or no trailer.

Ricky:
Fine. I'll give you some collateral. Why don't you go around and tell everybody in this park that I'll kiss your bare ass if I don't have the money by five o'clock tomorrow. That's some fucking collateral, isn't it?

Randy:
You'll kiss his bare ass?

Ricky:
That's what I said, dumbass.

Jim:
Ricky, that would mean that you'd agree to play by Sunnyvale Trailer Park rules. You willing to put that in writing?

Ricky:
Gimme a fucking pen!

Jim:
Get a lease agreement, Randy. Special clauses. Rick?

[Jim hands Ricky a pen, Ricky gives Lahey a twenty dollar bill]

Ricky:
That's for the pen. And you know what? I get out of jail, I try to start things off on the right foot. And you wouldn't do that, would you? So I'm gonna pay you one-hundred dollars to fuck off. Leave me alone. Just give me my trailer and fuck off.

Bubbles:
Well, Ricky's been living in the Shitmobile for...I don't know how many years now. Julian gave it to him when he had no place to go and...Ricky goes on about it, you know, how much he hates the fucking thing, but he's lived in it so long I think he really...he'd really miss it if he didn't have it.

Ricky:
There's a lot of history, you know, in this car. I've been living in this car and its been a big part of my life, but...You know, it's fucked me around quite a bit. Sometimes it stalls on you and it doesn't work right. You get to need to go somewhere and it's like 'No, you're not fucking going anywhere because I'm gonna fucking stall on you and it pisses you off!

Bubbles:
It was Julian's grandmother who owned it originally and she left it to Julian. And that's probably how most of the damage got done because she used to drive around here drunk all the time, smashing into poles and stuff. You think Julian goes around with a drink a lot, you shoulda saw her.

[the Shitmobile stalls out]

Ricky:
Yeah, you know what's coming, don't ya? You know what's gonna happen to you tonight!

Bubbles:
You know, he's always kicking it and being mean to it, but he loves that old Yorker. (unwraps a Tootsie Pop) Purple.

Lawyer:
I suggest you turn that camera off right now. If I see my face on TV or reproduced in any way, I will sue.

Lucy:
This is the guy, right here. The guy in the track suit.

Ricky:
Who in the fuck are you?

Lucy:
He's a fucking lawyer, Ricky.

Ricky:
And I'm a fuck offer.

Lawyer:
Richard, hi, I've heard so much about you. (hands Ricky some papers)

Ricky:
What the hell is this?

Lawyer:
Well, I guess you could call it a bill for being an asshole.

Ricky:
You better watch yourself, buddy. Bubbles, give me a hand with this reading stuff, please? (hands the papers to Bubbles) A lot of big words there, man.

Bubbles:
Three years child support payments you owe, Ricky.

Ricky:
Child reports? What? Now you got suit dummies making up big fancy word papers about me being a bad father because I'm rich now? This is bullshit, Lucy! I'm not a bad father am I, Trinity?

Lucy:
Ricky, a good father doesn't go to jail every year, OK?

Ricky:
Some do!

Lawyer:
I think you'll find those papers in order, Richard. See you in court.

Ricky:
(over megaphone) Think you're so big with your little suit and all your little college reading and stuff like that. Go fuck yourself! Lucy, you better not be banging him!

Ricky:
Trevor and Cory, what the fuck are you guys doing? I spent two grand on fireworks and I want to see some fucking fireworks! Come on!

[standing on the hood of the Shitmobile with fireworks going off behind him]

Ricky:
All right everybody, fuck it! We're gonna get drunk, we're gonna eat donairs tonight! And I plan on getting drunk as fuck tonight! Drunk as fuck!

Julian:
So, Luce, can I ask you something?

Lucy:
Yeah, what?

Julian:
What's up with this lawsuit thing?

Sarah:
Look, Ricky doesn't even understand what child support is, Julian. He doesn't get the fucking concept.

Lucy:
I figure that a lawsuit will sorta clear his head a little, make him a little bit more responsible.

Sarah:
No, I don't fucking think so. The only way Ricky is gonna get any smarter is if he dies and comes back as a turnip. He just keeps on getting stupider, Julian.

[Bubbles is vacuuming the dirt off of Ricky with a Dustbuster]

Ricky:
Just a second, buddy.

[Ricky walks into Bubbles' shed to pee]

Bubbles:
Ricky, Jesus. You might want to close the door.

Ricky:
(to camera crew, drunkenly) Hey, stop fucking filming me in here.

[The camera crew zooms in on Bubbles]

Bubbles:
The fuck are you filming him pee for?

Ricky:
Turn off the fucking camera.

[Bubbles starts vacuuming Ricky's back while he pees]

Ricky:
(to camera) Fuck off.

[after knocking Cory and Trevor off Julian's ice cream bikes]

Ricky:
Tripped 'em up with a hockey stick, no big deal, and fired a few shots at them. the way I see it I bought the bikes, I own 'em. Just like owning a target. You shoot at that, I shot at the bikes. Then Julian's got this attitude and fires a bullet at my brand-new car! Real nice! So I fired a shot at his new car. Spy for a spy, that's the way it works around here.

Jim:
All right everybody, clear the area! Hand over the weapons, Bubbles.

Bubbles:
Go fuck yourself, Lahey.

Ricky:
Well, I think somebody has been talking to Trinity and they've misleaded her around and basically they said that, you know, I'm drunk and stupid all the time, which isn't the case. Once in a while I get drunk, once in a while something comes out of my mouth that may not be the smartest thing in the world, but she shouldn't be worried about growing up drunk and stupid like me. That's not gonna happen. She's already smarter than me, you know, and she's only like 9 years old.

Jim:
Where's the five grand, Ricky?

Ricky:
It's right here, Shitler.

Saleswoman:
Hello? Hi! Excuse me? Um, I'm looking for Ricky. I have his encyclopedias.

Ricky:
Trinity, come with me. Daddy bought you some encyclopedias so you can get smarter and you won't be stupid like Daddy when you get older!

Saleswoman:
Hi, sweetie!

Ricky:
So what's the damage?

Saleswoman:
Well, with tax it is $4,728.33, and that is the cash price.

Ricky:
What? For a bunch of fucking books?

Saleswoman:
Well, if you don't have it that's fine, but I have to tell you, that's a one-time price only...

Ricky:
Oh no, shhshhshh no no no...I've got lots of money, I've got the money right here. What are they, fucking printed in gold or something? Jesus Christ!

Jim:
Is that all the money you got, Ricky?

Ricky:
Well, I got...I thought I had more than this. I could sell some stuff, Lahey. I'll have your money tomorrow. I gotta do one thing at a time here.

Jim:
Well, well, well. What's it gonna be, Rick? You gonna buy the trailer? Or are you gonna kiss my bare ass right now in front of all these good people?

[Ricky looks at Trinity, then gives the money to the saleswoman]

Cory:
Oh my God, he's gonna do it, dude! Holy shit, it's ass-kissing time, man! Right on!

Trevor:
You deserve this, Ricky!

Sarah:
My God, Lucy let's... let's get Trinity out of here right now.

Lucy:
Ricky, you did the right thing.

Ricky:
Let's fucking get this over with, Lahey.

Jim:
(unbuckles his belt) It would be my pleasure, Ricky!

Ricky:
Jesus Christ...

Jim:
Pucker up, boy! (pulls his pants down)

Randy:
Make it a quick one, Ricky!

Ricky:
Bite me, Randy.

[Ricky takes a big haul off of a wine bottle, gives Jim a peck on the ass]

Randy:
That's enough!

Trevor:
I can't believe he did that!

Cory:
Damn, that's sick, dude!

[Ricky spits]

Trevor:
I can't believe he did that! That's fuckin' gross, right?

Jim:
Well, I guess I won that one, Rick!

Randy:
Yeah, I hope you enjoyed that, Lahey.

Julian:
Leave him alone.

Ricky:
I haven't stolen a 10-speed in over 2 years.

Bubbles:
Well, when I was a little guy, I always wanted to go up into space, be a spaceman. But you gotta be able to see really fuckin' good to do that job. Some guy would take one look at me and say...'Uhhh, sorry sir, you gotta be able to see a little better than that.' I don't give a fuck.

Ricky:
Knock knock.

Bubbles:
Who's there Ricky?

Ricky:
A bootlegger...a bootlegger in the park and I hope it's not you that's doing it...'cause that would put me in an awkwardly situation

Julian:
Putting you in an awkwardly situation?

Ricky:
Yeah, I work for Lahey now. I just hope it's not you, Julian.

Julian:
Well, of course it's me that's doing it, you bonehead!

Randy:
You better be careful with my walkie, Ricky.

Ricky:
It's my walkie now, Randy. You got suspended, remember? So fuck off.

Randy:
It's still my walkie!

Ricky:
I guess you didn't hear what I just said. First thing I said was "it's my walkie now", second thing is "you're suspended", and the third thing was, "fuck off".

Jim:
Strike three, Ricky. It is my duty and pleasure to inform you that you are fired. Give me your walkie.

Ricky:
I'm not fired, I fuckin' quit. You want your walkie back? No problem. Here Randy, you can go fuckin' get it.

Jim:
Ricky.

[Ricky throws Randy's walkie into the vodka pool, Bubbles laughs]

Randy:
You just crossed the line, Ricky!

[Randy attacks Ricky, they tackle each other into the vodka pool, spilling it]

Donny:
WHAT IN THE FUCK!?

Trinity:
Daddy, wake up! Wake up, Daddy, wake up! Wake up! It's time to put my patch on, hurry up, Daddy!

Ricky:
Trinity has got to quit smoking, like I can't have her smoking anymore, it's ridiculous. She had the idea that maybe me and her can quit together, and it's kind of like a good father-daughter thing, so we're going to quit together, we're going to go on the patch.

Ricky:
Unleaded, blue container. Supreme, red container. Diesel in the green. OK? Are we clear here, guys?

Trevor:
Yeah, but how can you tell which is the supreme?

Ricky:
What, are you stupid? You fucking taste it. Unleaded tastes a little tangy, supreme is kinda sour, and diesel tastes pretty good.

Cory:
Will you please. For god sakes, stop it, man. Can you do somethin' about your daughter?

Cory:
Stop it. Stop it.

Ricky:
Just let her hit you, Cory. Stand down and listen to me.

Cory:
Stop it. I'm not lettin' ya.

Ricky:
Are you gonna fight my daughter who's 9 years old?! Cuz you're probably gonna get hurt, okay? Boys, don't fuck this up. I am your boss. You do what I say when I say it. Or I'll report both of you to Julian and you won't be goin' on this fuckin' cruise, okay?

Cory:
Come on! That's ridiculous, dude!

Ricky:
Cory, shut the fuck up, leave my daughter alone and listen to me. Go to the store, get Julian some rum and go siphon some fuckin' gas, alright? Cuz I gotta take Trinity to go get some patches.

Trevor:
(spits gas out of his mouth) Sneeze old man.

Cory:
Man, I'm felling sick, dude.

Trevor:
Then we should stop doing this.

Cory:
Yeah man, but the cruise. We gotta do the cruise.

Trevor:
Yeah. I guess it's not that bad.

Cory:
Aw shit! Security Dude!

Trevor:
Well fuck man!

Trevor:
What the fuck are you doin'!

Prosecutor:
Thank you Mr. Lahey for your expert testimony and for providing this very illuminating tape. Your honor, I think the video evidence clearly speaks for itself and that any sane and rational person would have no choice but to convict these individuals of these ridiculous crimes.

Ricky:
Blah blah blah blah blah fuck.

Prosecutor:
Oh F objection! that's the 17th time that he has sworn so far.

Judge:
Richard, please.

Ricky:
Alright, I'm fuck. I'm sorry about the bulls. About all the stuff but the prosecutor is a f... He's a. He's an F in bad guy and he's. He's pissin' me off.

Prosecutor:
He can't even speak without swearing. Your honor, this is ludicrous. It's a disgrace to these proceedings.

Judge:
Thank you. Richard, since you chose to defend yourself and fire the public defender, I guess it's your turn to question the witness.

Ricky:
Thank you, Your Majesty.

Judge:
And Richard, before you begin, I'd like to say that I think this is a very bad idea. However, you do have a right to defend yourself, so proceed, but please remember to watch your language.

Ricky:
Look, I can't speak without swearing, and I've only got my grade 10, and I haven't had a cigarette since I've been arrested, I'm ready to fuckin' snap. So I'd like to make a request under the people's freedom of choices and voices act that I be able to smoke and swear in your courtroom. Because if I can't smoke and swear, I'm fucked. And so are all these guys. I won't be able to properly express myself at a court level, and that's bullshit. It's not fair and if you ask me, I think it's a fuckin' miss draw.

Prosecutor:
This man can't represent anyone! Your Honor! He's a complete and total idiot!

Judge:
Now although I am opposed to that kind of language in my courtroom, I'm going to allow it, as unfortunately it is part of your right to a fair trial. So you may proceed, but please, I want to remind you that this is not a carnival. Richard, you have permission to smoke and swear.

Ricky:
Thank you. I just gotta get some cigarettes, actually.

Ricky:
Let's go, smokes!

Prosecutor:
But I've only got two left!

Ricky:
I don't care. You've been a dick all morning. It's the least you can do for me!

Prosecutor:
Oh, for the love of God.

Judge:
Just the defendant, please.

Ricky:
My first order of business is to tell the prosecutor to shut the fuck up and wipe that stupid fuckin' grin off his face because it's distraculating my case. Next I want to announce that Lahey and Randy have been drinkin' all fuckin' day, they're wasted out of their fuckin' minds and they're both assholes. And the testimony they gave was total fuckin' bullshit. I can prove it and show you what really fuckin' happened here.

Bubbles:
Hi, Linda.

Linda:
Hi, guys.

Ricky:
Hoy are you doing? What's going on?

Linda:
Too bad.

Bubbles:
Listen, can we talk to J-Roc for 1 minute?

Linda:
Yeah, he's in his room. He can stand the noise. I made some pancake. You want some, Bubbles?

Bubbles:
Yes, please. Put some butter onto it.

Linda:
Jamie! Jamie, your friends are here! Jamie? Turn down that damn music! What can year thing. Come on, Jamie! (opens the door)

J-Roc:
Mom?

Linda:
Ga fuck! You know what I'm sayin'!

J-Roc:
(turns off the music) Turn that shit off, muthafucka! I was gettin' changed, you knowemsayin'?! I don't want that shit on TV!

Bubbles:
Turn that thing off, he's pullin' his goalie!

Ricky:
Turn off the fuckin' camera. What the fuck are you doing, J-Roc?

J-Roc:
I was gettin' changed, mothafucka!

Ricky:
Changed my ass, you fuckin'.

J-Roc:
You non-knockin' muthafuckas!

Ricky:
That was fucked.

Bubbles:
That was a bit fucked.

J-Roc:
It wasn't that fucked, you knowemsayin'? I was gettin' changed. What's goin' on?

Julian:
Listen man, I got some good news for ya... get cleaned up and meet me back at the flea market.

J-Roc:
A'ight. (pats Bubbles' shoulder with the hand he changed with) Peace, Bub.

Bubbles:
Don't touch me.

J-Roc:
You ma-fuckas ain't gonna tell nobody that I was gettin' changed, right?

Bubbles:
No! Christ, no.

[Jim and Randy get out of the Fuckmobile]

Jim:
Julian, what the hell's this shit?

Julian:
Not breaking any rules here, Jim. Why don't you take your place on J-Roc's property?

Ricky:
So I guess you 2 can fuck off!

Jim:
Julian, I told you I didn't want any shit in Sunnyvale. You idiots have loaded up a hair triggered, double barreled shit machine gun and the barrel's pointed straight at your own hits!

Randy:
So like, the barrel of the gun's bent back?

Jim:
Let's go, Randy. If these boys want to play hardball. We can play hardball too.

Ricky:
You guys are fucked, you know that? (grabs Randy) Get the fuck in you car!

Jim:
Clean this up!

Ricky:
Get the fuck out of here!

Jim:
You keep your hands off him, Ricky! Ricky!

Bubbles:
Shit! In you go, fatty.

Jim:
The day of reckoning is at hand boy!

[Jim revs the Fuckmobile and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers]

Ricky:
Later, boys. Oh fu... Reverse, dumbass!

Randy:
Ricky!

Ricky:
You guys are so fuckin' stupid. (gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again and Jim touches Ricky's left hand)

Randy:
Get this cleaned up.

Bubbles:
Nice daze out there. Nice getaway, Lahey.

[Jim drives the Fuckmobile backwards and Ricky gives Jim and Randy the middle fingers again]

Ricky:
Helix was a wicked concert. Fuck, I sold a lot of dope at that concert. I mean, they had good lyrics like gimme an R-O-C-K and the crowd yells rock really loud. Now that's a fuckin' concert!

Bubbles:
I'm not giving anyone a fuckin' R.

Ricky:
Rush just don't do stuff like that. They got these lyrics about how trees are talking to each other and how different sides of your brain works, or outerspace bullshit.

Bubbles:
Gimme a fuckin' R.

Ricky:
What the fuck are you guys doing here? You following us or something?

Cory:
Yeah, sorry I was following you, dude. But I have a brilliant idea, man. If we take dope and sell it at the Rush concert, we can sell it for double the price and make a ton of loot, man! It works every time. Can you hook us up?

Ricky:
That's a good idea, guys. I got a little bit of dope here for you.

[Ricky feigns opening the glove box, then pulls out his hand with a middle finger raised and sticks it in Cory's face]

Ricky:
There's no fucking dope in town, you idiots!

Trevor:
Julian, you gotta be able to get some dope. We'll take the cruise money and double it up, man. We can do it!

Julian:
All right, boys. Here. Get us all some Rush tickets.

[Julian gives Cory a handful of cash]

Cory:
Nice!

Ricky:
You sure about this?

Julian:
I want the change back too, boys. Don't fuck this up!

Cory:
That's cool.

Julian:
I think I can get us some dope, man.

Ricky:
Where the fuck are you gonna get dope?

[Ricky walks up to a cop with a drug dog in a parking garage]

Ricky:
How's it goin'? You guys got a package for Cory and Trevor Lahey?

[Another cop walks up, Ricky gives him money, the cop with the dog takes a big bag of pot out from under the dog's harness and hands it to Ricky]

Ricky:
Fuck, I hate buying dope from cops, man. They way overcharge every time. It doesn't even feel like a pound.

Bubbles:
Julian, this isn't about the money, you know. Don't you guys ever think of the music? That's what this is about. Remember 'Closer To The Heart'? Remember how good the fuckin' concert was in 87?

Ricky:
That was awesome, man. Remember we got kicked out during 'I Like To Rock'? Then we wrecked the Dartmouth ferry? That was fuckin' wicked!

Bubbles:
That was fuckin' April Wine, Ricky, but that was a good fuckin' concert.

[Ricky walks up to a hotel front desk with a beat up old guitar]

Desk Attendant:
Welcome to the Prince Elliot.

Ricky:
How's it goin'. I'm Alex Lifeson's personal guitar tech and I gotta take this up to his room right away. Can I have the key, please?

[Ricky walks into room 2112 quietly and sneaks up on Alex shaving in the bathroom]

Ricky:
Most rock stars are supposed to be really approachable and really fun and easy to talk to, but for some reason, Alex wasn't.

Ricky:
I need four tickets to your concert right now. We can do this the easy way or the hard way.

Alex Lifeson:
Look, look, I'm not a ticket agency, I'm sorry. I can't help you with the tickets.

Ricky:
You can't give me four tickets to your concert?!

Alex Lifeson:
I'm sorry.

Ricky:
He's just one of these guys that, 'Hey, I don't want to talk to anybody,' and 'I'm a big fancy rock star,' and 'You can't talk to me!' So, it pissed me off.

[Ricky starts wrapping Alex up in duct tape]

Alex Lifeson:
Hang on a second, man! Hang on!

[Ricky leads Alex down the hallway in his robe, duct-taped and ankle-cuffed]

Ricky:
Let's go. No fuckin' around here. You say a word about this and I'm gonna tell everyone you sexually assaulted me.

Alex Lifeson:
Come on, give me a break!

Ricky:
Come with me, just take it easy. We're just gonna go for a little ride.

[They walk into the lobby]

Ricky:
Hotel Security! This man's drunk as fuck, he's on drugs, he's a male prostitute. I'm gonna escort him out of here!

Desk Attendant:
What's going on? Male prostitute?

Alex Lifeson:
Where are we?

Ricky:
The fuckin' best trailer park in the goddamn world, right here. Good people, good friends, and we're gonna see a little show. Look, the first thing I want to do is to make it clear, this is not kidnapping, okay?

Alex Lifeson:
This is totally kidnapping.

Ricky:
This is not fuckin' kidnapping!

Alex Lifeson:
This is fuckin' totally kidnapping.

Ricky:
I'm borrowing you for a little bit to play a little concert back at the trailer park!

Alex Lifeson:
I don't do that kind of stuff!

Ricky:
Look, you're in a rock band! You should be used to this shit!

Alex Lifeson:
Can I tell you something? You're a fuckin' mental case!

Ricky:
What the fuck are you talkin' about?

Alex Lifeson:
You are crazy!

Ricky:
It's not my fault you're this big fuckin'.

Alex Lifeson:
You're gonna go to jail for a long time.

Ricky:
I'm not going to fuckin' jail, believe me. This isn't kidnapping. I'm borrowing you for a little bit, alright?

Bubbles:
Oh, no big deal at all. Ricky just went and. Stole a human being!

Ricky:
It's like a little rehearse Lee. Play a couple of songs then you can go back to your little dream world or wherever the fuck it is you do with yourself all the time, playin' your fuckin' big guitar in front of people.

Julian:
Hey, buddy.

Ricky:
Julian! I came through, buddy! Where's Bubbles?

Julian:
He's at the vet. Don't tell me you got tickets...

Ricky:
I got better than tickets. Check this out.

Julian:
Ricky. Ricky. this. You're from Rush.

Ricky:
Yeah, it's Alex Lifeson. Alex, this is J... ah, Gored, uh, Downy. This is Alex. Hey, play I Like To Rock.

Alex Lifeson:
That's April Wine.

Ricky:
Well, play that Diane Sawyer song. Just fuckin' play somethin'. That's why you're here.

[Alex Lifeson plays a song on the guitar]

Julian:
Ricky, what's he doing here?

Ricky:
I just borrowed him for a couple of hours from the hotel.

Julian:
You kidnapped him Ricky.

Ricky:
That's not kidnapping.

Julian:
You don't boro people.

Ricky:
It's totally cool man. We worked it all out.

Julian:
You were. Alright, can you stop playing this just for a second. Alright. he ya alright. I'm gonna untie you and you're not gonna call the police. He's just a big fan. He made a mistake. This isn't kidnapping. I'm sorry man. Like are we cool or what?

Alex Lifeson:
You untie me, you get me back to my hotel. It's no problem.

[Julian walks Alex out to a cab]

Julian:
I'm sorry about all this shit, man.

Alex Lifeson:
OK. It's all right.

Ricky:
Fuck that! Don't even worry about him!

[Julian pushes Ricky back while Alex tells the cab where to go]

Ricky:
Fuckin' shove me...

Alex Lifeson:
I'm going downtown.

Ricky:
You got enough money? Here's another dollar thirty-six there, dick tree.

[Ricky throws the coins at his feet, Julian helps him pick them up]

Alex Lifeson:
I can't believe I'm picking this stuff up!

Ricky:
Just get the fuck out of here, would ya? He's kind of a dick.

Julian:
You fucked up big time.

[Alex Lifeson gives Ricky the middle finger as the cab drives off and Ricky gives Alex Lifeson the middle finger]

Julian:
Ricky, Ricky, don't be giving him the finger.

Ricky:
He fuckin' started it.

Julian:
No, you fucked up big time this time, man. You wanna go back to jail? Because it looks like you do. Huh?

Ricky:
Julian, look. I fucked up and I'm sorry, alright? You got a better idea?

[The boys walk to a manhole wearing garbage bags]

Ricky:
This is fucked up, Julian.

Julian:
Look boys, I'm sorry, alright? The security's a little tight. This'll be fun man.

Bubbles:
This is not fuckin' fun, Julian! This is bullshit!

Julian:
You wanna see Rush, Bubbles?

Bubbles:
Yes, I wanna see Rush!

Julian:
Get down there. You want me to go next?

Bubbles:
Please. What if something gets me?

Bubbles:
Ah! Something licked me on the knee! Something licked me!

[Julian lifts up a grate]

Bubbles:
We did it Julian. Was that the Alex Lifeson?

Julian:
Shh!

Bubbles:
That is him!

Ricky:
Shh!

Alex Lifeson:
Sorry, Randy? I got this t-shirt for you to wear tonight on stage during the guitar changes.

Randy:
No thanks, Alex. I don't wear shirts.

Alex Lifeson:
Oh, no. You gotta wear a shirt. Please.

Randy:
Never do.

Jim:
Randy doesn't wear shirts, Mr. Lifeson. That's just the way it is.

Alex Lifeson:
Well, Mr. Lahey, maybe you can talk him into wearing this shirt.

Jim:
He doesn't wear shirts, not even in the winter time.

[Notices Ricky, Julian and Bubbles walking towards them]

Jim:
How did you idiots get in here?!

Bubbles:
Hi, Alex.

Ricky:
Don't worry about it, Lahey. Hey, I know this guy!

Randy:
How's this shit?

Bubbles:
See this, Randy? When somebody like Alex Lifeson gives you a fuckin' t-shirt to put on, you're puttin' the fuckin' thing on. I don't care if you don't wear shirts.

Randy:
I don't wear a frig! [Bubbles attempts to put the t-shirt on Randy]

Jim:
Randy doesn't wear shirts!

[Bubbles struggles to get Randy to wear the t-shirt while the other try to pry him off]

Jim:
[To the security guards] Take the garbage downtown, boys.

[The guards drag the boys away]

Donny:
WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

[The boys get out of the cab]

Bubbles:
This is fucked!

Ricky:
Fuckin' believe we gotta go down the same!

Julian:
Boys, it wasn't that bad.

[Alex is in his dressing room, playing Red Barchetta]

Ricky:
What the fuck are you doing wearing my clothes?

Alex Lifeson:
Oh, not this asshole again! What are you doing with my clothes?! (to Julian) I thought we had a deal here! No cops?

Ricky:
Just give me back my fuckin' clothes.

[Randy walks into the room and sees Ricky, Julian and Bubbles]

Randy:
Alex, we're on in four...

Alex Lifeson:
Oh, great.

Randy:
I'm friggin' tellin'!

[Randy runs out of the room]

Ricky:
You fuckin' asshole!

Randy:
Mr. Lahey! Bubbles, Julian and Ricky snuck back in!

Ricky:
Fuckin' dicks...

Alex Lifeson:
Guys, please. Gimme a break, here. I gotta get back on stage, I gotta get out of these stupid track pants and into my clothes right now!

Ricky:
What the fuck's wrong with track pants?

Jim:
Yeah, Julian? Jim Lahey here. Yeah, Public Idiot No. 1 has gone one step too far. We're in the eye of a shiticane here, Julian.

Ricky:
(attempts to take the phone out of Jim's hand) Give me the fuckin' phone.

Jim:
Ricky is a low-shit system.

(Ricky takes the phone out of Jim's hand)

Ricky:
Julian, this is Ricky. Lahey's snooping around my fuckin'- Ah, this fuckin' thing. (throws the phone)

Julian:
Randy, a lot of barbecues look alike. You're probably on drugs or confused or something like you usually are.

Jim:
Julian, I'm collecting paperwork and when I get enough, I can evict anyone in this park. You, Ricky, even little Bubbles here. And you know why? Cuz you all signed on the dotted line. I'm watching you, Julian. Like a shit hawk. Like a shit hawk. Come on, Randy.

Bubbles:
Julian, what's a shit hawk? Some kind of a shitty bird that swoops down and puts poop onto ya or somethin'?

Julian:
Bubbles, shit hawks don't exist, okay? He's just drunk. Don't listen to him.

Bubbles:
Well, can he boot us out of the park like he said he could?

Julian:
No, he's just being a dick. Listen, man. There's no way this operation's gonna draw heat, okay? I promise you that. Everything's gonna be cool. Just keep up the good work, man. Don't worry about him.

Bubbles:
Yeah, everything'll be cool. Just like it's cool every other time you promised me and you go back to jail and I'm left here by myself with shit hawks flyin' around, shit ropes comin' after me. Shitty this and shitty that.

Ricky:
What in the fuck? Are you dressed up like a bumblebee for? And why do you look like Indianapolis Jones?

Jim:
It's none of your goddamn business, Ricky. If you must know, Randy and I were rehearsing for a play for the Blandford Recreation Centre next Thursday.

Randy:
No! Mr. Lahey, we weren't rehearsing for a play.

Jim:
We were practicing, Randy.

Randy:
It's not Halloween, we're not doing community theatre.

Jim:
Randy.

Randy:
We're consenting adults. And what we do in the privacy of our own home is. Is fine, Mr. Lahey.

Jim:
Randy, please.

Randy:
And I don't care. I don't care if the whole world knows that we like to dress up, that we like to have some fun. And that, we're a couple. Hey everybody! We're gay!

Ricky:
(shocked) What?

Randy:
Say it, Mr. Lahey. It feels great.

Jim:
Alright Randy. We'll do it your way. Everybody. I'm gay.

[The camera leans to a shocked Bubbles, who awkwardly turns away]

Ricky:
What's wrong, sweetie?

Trinity:
You're always in jail for Christmas.

Ricky:
I'm gonna do my best to stay out of jail this year. That what the cruise all about. We're gonna go on the cruise instead of go to jail. I'll tell you what. I got a great idea. Why don't we have Christmas today?

Trinity:
Really?

Ricky:
To make up for all the Christmases I was in jail drunk. We'll have real presents and everything.

Trinity:
Cool!

Ricky:
(Gets out of the paddle boat) Come on out.

[Trinity also gets out of the paddle boat and Ricky throws a glass bottle and a bag into the lake]

Trinity:
You're allowed doing that! That's littering!

(Cuts to Ricky sitting on his car)

Ricky:
I've notice that if you throw something into a water. Body like a lake or an ocean that the next day you come back and it's gone. So somehow it takes it away and filters it through and just cleans it up like a garbage compactor or whatever. So it's not really littering if you ask me.

(Cuts back to Ricky hanging out with Trinity)

Ricky:
That's fine. The water's gonna wash it all away, sweetie. Aw shit! We're gonna have to borrow a tire from somebody, Trin.

Ricky:
The fastest way to get money is steal a bank machine. It doesn't take rocket appliances to realize. All you gotta do is take a fuckin' chain, hook it up to the truck and yank the fuckin' back machine out of the store.

Cory:
Hey, everybody! How you doin'! This is my friend Mr. Gun! My special guest Smith and Wesson says get your ass down and give some quarters! This is a stick up, real deal, real gun, full cooperation and no one gets done! Yeah! So listen to me cuz that's what I say when I rock hip uh...

Trevor:
Stop fuckin' robin, man. This is a real thing.

Cory:
Down please miss. Down. Down. Alright, you just keep doin' what you're doin'. You're cool, that's alright. Tall boy, get down! Don't make me fuckin' get up there!

Trevor:
Come on, we want your change.

Cory:
Down!

Trevor:
Give us your change now.

Cory:
Dude, just take the fuckin' quarters!

Trevor:
Please get on the ground! Aw, man. Look at these little things of detergent. (Trevor takes the detergent) We should take some of these too.

Cory:
Thank you very much. Thank you.

[Ricky is honking his horn]

Bubbles:
Thanks for the milk shake, Julian. It's delicious. Heh heh heh heh.

Ricky:
HIGH! IN DRUNK! AS FUCK! DRUNK AS FUCK!! (Throws a glass bottle at Julian's car)

Julian:
Is that Ricky?

Bubbles:
I Would say it is, Julian.

Jim:
My god! It's Ricky!

[Ricky smashes the Boom Gate]

Jim:
Yeah, we got a 10 72 at the Sunnyvale Trailer Park. Thank you very much. Well Ricky, it looks like you shit goose this time.

Ricky:
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck your gay.

Jim:
Willful destruction of property, theft under a thousand dollars, trespassing, dangerous driving. You're goin' back to jail, boy.

Ricky:
Good. Did you call the cops yet?

Jim:
Yeah I did.

Ricky:
Good. I want to go back to jail.

Jim:
You wanna go.

Ricky:
Hey, Trin.

Trinity:
Hi.

Ricky:
Where did you get this rim?

Trinity:
I borrowed it, daddy. Just like you taught me to. Merry Christmas.

Ricky:
Like I taught you to? What do you mean?

Jim:
Apples don't fall far from the tree. Do they, Rick?

Ricky:
Lahey, I got a lot to deal with before I go back to jail. I don't have time for your shit right now so fuck off.

Jim:
Speaking of shit, Rick, which you were. When a shit apple falls from a tree and grows up in a field of shit. It doesn't have any choice. Just like Trinity. She's gonna grow up to be a shit apple tree. Just like her father. Have fun in jail, Rick.

Trinity:
I wanna go to jail.

Ricky:
Trinity, don't ever say that again. Okay? Don't joke around.

Trinity:
I wanna go to jail. Jail, jail, jail, jail.

Ricky:
Trinity, stop it! I'm serious. Don't ever joke about that. You're never going to jail, okay?

Jim:
Oh yes she is, Rick.

Ricky:
No she's not, Lahey. So fuck off.