Trailer Park Boys, Season 4 (2004)

Bubbles:
J-Roc! Listen, Julian got out of jail early, he doesn't even know we're growing weed. I gotta create a distraction, J-Roc. Can you please let me say we got this car for him as a present?

J-Roc:
Bubbles, this is my brand-new whip, ma-fucka! Don't do that to me, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles:
Come on, J-Roc! I'm in a jam. I got an idea... Two grams of blonde Lebanese hash?

J-Roc:
Let me check this shit out...

Bubbles:
(drops the hash) Shit! (hands J-Roc the hash) Check that out.

J-Roc:
Bubbles, that ain't even blonde, you know what I'm sayin' ma-fucka... (smells the hash)

Bubbles:
It's dirty blonde, though! Look, it's got blonde streaks into it, it's Lebanese...

J-Roc:
All right, Bubbles. Don't say I didn't have your back, you know what I'm sayin'?

Bubbles:
Julian, I'm craving some Chalet take-out. Come on, my treat?

Julian:
All right, all right!

Bubbles:
And then we're gettin' drunk, all right?

Julian:
Okay, thank you!

Tyrone:
Man, Bubbles, man, I would like some chicken, man. Get me a quarter chicken dinner, extra gravy.

DVS:
Fa sho'. Quarter chicken dinner, french fries, onion rings.

J-Roc:
Chicken-rib combo, extra roll, B.

Bubbles:
Boys, boys, come off it! This is distraction chicken I'm buying Julian!

J-Roc:
Oh, so now I'm like, 'you got my whip,' you know what I'm sayin', 'but I ain't got no chicken!'

Jim:
Look, you might have my job now, Ricky. But I got something you'll never have.

Ricky:
Yeah? What's that, Lahey?

Jim:
My Grade 11.

Ricky:
(honks horn) Get over here you little f... NO NO NO NO NO! Don't throw bottles at me! Don't throw bottles at me ever, OK? Now listen up. I want you to hit lot 423, hit it hard, OK? You guys know what flaming shit bags are? Good. Throw some of those in the mix. I got two big bags of chips. I'll give you one now and one when you're done. Move it out, boys. (bottle kids run off) He can stick his Grade 11 up his ass.

Jim:
Are you really this fuckin' stupid?

George:
Let's talk about stupid, Jim. I'm gonna put this in a way that even someone like you can understand. Remember the story of the little boy who cried wolf? In case you forgot, he was a little boy who cried for help because he said there was a wolf after him. Each time the people of the village came running, and each time there was no wolf. Eventually they got really tired of it. So when he calls for help because there's a real wolf after him, nobody takes him seriously. Nobody comes, because nobody cares. Do you see where I'm going with this, Jim?

Jim:
George, I know it looks like I'm off the.

[George interrupts him]

George:
Listen. What we have here, Jim, is a shit wolf. Do you know what a shit wolf is? You never seem to have that crucial little thing called evidence. But each time you cry shit wolf, and each time I come running. No more, Jim. Never again.

Jim:
J...

George:
Now, I want you to tell me what the moral of the story is.

Jim:
George.

George:
No. Say it Jim. Say it.

Jim:
Never cry shit wolf.

George:
That's right. Now get your sorry ass out of here or you're spending the night in the drama tank.

Ricky:
Here's a little piece of hash, go to the stove, do some hot knives, get stoned, and get to work.

Randy:
I can't get stoned, Ricky

Ricky:
What do you mean? It's shitty work, everybody does that, all right? Carpenters, electricians, dishwashers, floor cleaners, lawyers, doctors, fuckin' politicians, CBC employees, principals, people who paint the lines on the fuckin' roads. Get stoned, it'll be fun, get to work.

Julian:
You're not prostituting yourself for cheeseburgers again, are ya, Randy?

Randy:
Man's gotta eat, Julian.

Ricky:
You gotta come back to the trailer park right now. I got a job for you, it's gonna be perfect: Assistant Trailer Park Supervisor.

Julian:
(laughs drunkly) Assistant.

Ricky:
That's right, buddy. 4600 bucks a year. Bubbles quit and I could use a hand. I'm gonna straigten all the shit out man, things are gonna be cool.

[Randy overhears]

Randy:
Hey Ricky, I'm looking for work!

Bubbles:
Fuck off, Randy!

Ricky:
How's it going, Randy? Did you get everything done?

Randy:
Almost. Are those my burgers, Ricky? That's my burger, right?

Ricky:
No, Barb made these for me.

Randy:
I want my fuckin' burger, Rick!

Ricky:
Randy, I'll get yours later. You didn't finish your job.

[Randy tries to take the burger out of Ricky's hand]

Ricky:
Fuck off Randy!

Randy:
Fuck you!

Ricky:
You get the fuckin' chicken chips-

[Randy grabs the burger and tries to eat it as Ricky starts choking him]

Ricky:
Fuckin' asshole! Give me that back you fuckin' dick! Let go of it! Stop grabbing it!

[Jim sees Ricky from his back view, making it look like Randy is trying to perform oral sex on him]

Ricky:
Get your hands of it! Get your fuckin' hands of it!

Randy:
IT'S MINE!!

Jim:
Smokey!

[Lahey trips and accidently shoots the arrow towards Ricky and Randy]

[Ricky gets shot in the back of his shoulder with the arrow]

Ricky:
[in pain] Fuck!!! What the fuck?! Ah, Jesus Christ!

[Ricky takes out his gun and starts shooting aimlessly]

Donny:
WHAT IN THE FUCK?!

Julian:
What are you doing?! Give me that!

Ricky:
I'm trying to shoot whoever fuckin' shot me!

Jim:
Randy, how could you do that?

Ricky:
Jesus Christ!!!

Randy:
Do what?

Jim:
What you were doing with Ricky?

Randy:
I wasn't doing anything with Ricky.

Ricky:
Is that a fuckin' bow and... You fuckin' shot me!

Jim:
It was an accident, Ricky. I was trying to shoot a blue jay.

Ricky:
I'll show you a fuckin' blue jay!

Julian:
Ricky, it was an accident! Listen, you can call the cops on Lahey for getting shot with an arrow, but he can call the cops on you for firing a handgun out in the trailer park. They cancel out.

Ricky:
That doesn't even make sense, Julian.

Julian:
It's even, Ricky.

Ricky:
I don't have the right people words to make you understand the way it means to me, but something's fucked up here!

Bubbles:
Hold still, Ricky.

[Bubbles lightly tries to pull out the arrow]

Ricky AGHHHH!!! FUUUCK!!!

Julian:
Get outta here!

[Julian pushes Ricky away as he grunts in pain]

Randy:
Ricky, you owe me two double cheeseburgers for cleaning up Julian's trailer!

Ricky:
I never said doubles, Randy! I never said fuckin' doubles! Where's my chocolate milk and chicken chips?!

Julian:
Rick, go home!

Ricky:
(to Randy) Fuck you and fuck your cheeseburgers!

Bubbles:
Everybody calm down!! For fuck's sakes! Is this all about cheeseburgers?!

Randy:
Yeah.

Bubbles:
Well, Randy, I've got burger meat and cheese at my shed. I'll cook some up for you on the barbeque if that'll diffuse the situation.

Bubbles:
Boys, I feel like I got hit by a fuckin' dump truck. How much would a massage thing cost me, do you figure?

Julian:
Massage.

Ricky:
Look, Julian, I know I'm dumb as fuck and stuff, but why can't we just steal more furniture and fill up these trailers with furniture and fuckin' open like a used furniture store or some shit?

Bubbles:
Used furniture store's not a bad idea, Julian. Keep Lahey and Randy distracted, make a few bucks.

Ricky:
Exactly. Get two birds stoned at once.

Julian:
We're gonna fill the trailers up with furniture all right, boys, but we're gonna rent them out by the hour.

Bubbles:
Aw, that's greasy.

Ricky:
That's really fuckin' greasy.

Julian:
Yeah, it's greasy.

Bubbles:
Gree-hee-hee-heasy.

Julian:
What do you think, Bubs?

Bubbles:
Well, I don't know much about this stuff, Julian.

DVS:
They're good hos, man. They're good hos, I'm tellin' ya.

Bubbles:
What other choice do we have? He says they're good hos.

Julian:
All right, all right, done. Three o'clock.

DVS:
I'll see you then. I'll be waitin' here, with the hos, homie.

J-Roc:
Peace out, sling blade!

Bubbles:
It's not a sling, J-Roc, it's duct tape. Just get the hos.

Julian:
J-Roc, where's this guy at anyway?

J-Roc:
Chill out, Julian. Cyrus'll be here in a minute, ya know what I'm sayin'?

Julian:
Cyrus?!

Ricky:
What the fuck are you doing working with Cyrus?

Cyrus:
Well well well. If it isn't the big, tough Julianne. The Hubble Bubble Telescope. And Helmet Head.

Bubbles:
Fuckin' call me a telescope.

Cyrus:
Ladies! The boss is home. It's been a long time no see, dick weeds. (pulls a gun)

Ricky:
Why don't you take your little gun and fuck off, Cyrus?

Cyrus:
(chambers a round) Why don't we fuck on?

Cory:
(walks out of the trailer) Julian, where's the hand cream?

Cyrus:
(takes a man's bag of chips out of his hand) I know one of you dickheads did this to my car, cuz you're the only ones who know I failed Grade 10.

T:
You failed Grade 10?

Cyrus:
(points his gun towards the Roc Pile) Fuck off! (points to his vandalized car) And what's this, "I'm a fuckhead"? Huh?

Ricky:
Actually, it says "I'm fucked in the head", 'cause you are.

Sarah:
Ricky, where the fuck are Cory and Trevor? I said I wanted them back an hour ago.

Ricky:
I don't fucking know, they went home two hours ago. They told me.

Sarah:
Well, I don't have them, you must still have them.

Donny:
GET YOUR HANDS OFF IT! I PAID FOR A LADY, NOT FUCKING CORY AND TREVOR!

Ricky:
Randy takes his pants off when he wants to fight. He can't fight in tight pants. He's worried about ripping his precious little pants. So when the pants come off, look the fuck out.

Julian:
Listen, why don't you try focusing on the weed a bit more, OK? Instead of being trailer park supervisor. You're fuckin' up, man.

Ricky:
Sounds like someone's a little bit jealous about me being supervisor.

Julian:
No, no, those plants are getting huge, Rick, OK? They're starting to scare me a bit.

Bubbles:
I can't wait to start fuckin' hammerin' people! (shoulder-checks his shed door)

Bubbles:
(as The Green Bastard) Boys! Green Bastard! Parts unknown! Cory and Trevor? Get the fuck in the ring!

Ricky:
You look good, buddy!

Bubbles:
Green Bastard!

Ricky:
You don't wanna move the cars? Fine, boys! Well, I'm just gonna start pissin' in this general direction and if this car's illegally parked, it might accidentally get pissed on! Everybody want to see some pissin'?

Barb:
Don't! Richard!

[Ricky climbs on the hood and pisses on the car's windshield]

Barb:
RICHARD!

Bernie:
My car!

Ricky:
I fuckin' warned them three times, Barb, and they wouldn't listen to me! They don't even believe I'm the trailer park supervisor, all right?!

Barb:
Gentlemen, I am so very sorry about this!

Jim:
You're right Bernie, he's the epitome (pronounced "epi-toam") of refractory!

Ricky:
Tell 'em, Julian! I'm the trailer park supervisor here! You guys won't believe me! It's bullshit!

Bernie:
Jim, let me take this one. Ricky, you and me. Come on! (grabs Ricky's arm and leads him away)

Ricky:
What the fuck do you wanna talk about?

Bernie:
You'll find out! What you've just done, pissin' on my car, you have crossed the line with me! I've had guys throw barbecues at me, they've broke the windows out of my car, they've cursed and sworn at me! But the bottom line is: I ain't shook. (clenches his fist) 'Cause if the Right Hook comes out, crazy motherfuckers like you get knocked out. Don't be lookin' me in the eyes, boy! I ain't got no candy for you! No candy, except for the Right Hook.

Bubbles:
Cory Braid head. He gets him set up for the clothesline... URRRH!! (clotheslines Cory) Oh my GOD! He fuckin'... Devastating! You all right, Cory?

Cory:
Yeah, I'm fine.

Bubbles:
I don't give a fuck, actually. (body slams Cory onto the mat) Get in here, Trevor! Come on!

Trevor:
Forget that, Bubbles! I'm goin' home! (Cory sneaks out of the ring and they run away)

Bubbles:
(puts his hand up for a high-five) Aw, come on, boys! Boys!

Bubbles:
(talking to his cats) Listen up, guys. I need to talk to you. I'm sorry I haven't been able to look after you properly lately, but there's just too many of yas around, your parents have been banging like crazy. There's just so many of you around right now and I've been losing focus because I'm in a lot of fucking pain. But the pain I'm about to feel is nothing compared to what I've been feeling by neglecting you little guys. (sighs)

Ricky:
(upon arriving at Bubbles' shed) Cory and Trevor are fucking lazy! At least if we ask Bubbles to fuckin' fertilize the plants we know it'll get done.

[Bubbles moans]

Julian:
Shh. Listen.

[Bubbles does a distressed moan]

Ricky:
What the fuck's he doing in there?

Bubbles:
YOU COCKSUCKER!!

[the door flings open and hits Ricky in the face]

Bubbles:
Oh my God, what happened?

Ricky:
Bubbles, you just broke my fuckin' nose!

Julian:
Holy shit, Bubbles. Your face is fucked!

Bubbles:
No, it's not that bad, Julian!

Julian:
No no no no, you let that toothache go way too long. Here.

Bubbles:
I can get 'er out, it's no pr...

Julian:
No, open up, let me take a look.

Bubbles:
No, it's no problem!

Julian:
Let me take a look! Open up!

Bubbles:
Julian!

Julian:
Bubbles, open up!

[Bubbles opens his mouth reluctantly, moaning]

Julian:
Oh, yeah. Your jaw is totally infected, man. We gotta take you to the hospital, buddy!

Bubbles:
No fucking way, Julian! I don't go to the hospital, you know that!

Ricky:
You went to the hospital when you fucked your arm over fixing carts, Bubbles. You gotta go.

Bubbles:
But, boys, I had Conky with me that time.

Ricky:
Conky? Don't even say that name! I hate that little fucker!

Julian:
Bubbles, Bubbles, Bubbles! I got something for you!

Bubbles:
Oh my God! Conky! Conky! Where have you been? Oh my God! Oh my God, I've missed you! I thought you were dead for sure!

Ricky:
I thought you were dead too, you little bastard.

Conky:
Luckily I don't need oxygen to live under water like you do. Stupid!

Ricky:
Julian, it's starting already. I'm telling you right now. (turns his attention back to the puppet) If you fuck with me, Conky, I'm gonna fuck with you. I'm outta here.

Julian:
No no no. (pulls Ricky aside) Ricky, Ricky, I need your help here! We gotta get him to the hospital or he could go into a coma.

Bubbles:
What?! A coma?! A coma? I'm going into a coma? Julian, I can't.

Julian:
No no no, you're probably not gonna. You're gonna be fine, Bubbles!

Bubbles:
What's it like in a coma?

Julian:
Bubbles, why don't you ask Conky if it's OK to go to the hospital?

Bubbles:
Conky, do you think. Do you think it would be a good idea for me to go to the hospital and get that fixed?

Conky:
Well I think it might be a good idea to go on an adventure with Julian and. Rickyyyyy! (disturbed giggle)

Ricky:
Final warning there, fuckface. Final warning.

Nurse:
Can I help you?

Julian:
Yes, you can. My friend's got an abscess tooth. We need someone to take a look at it.

Bubbles:
No, we don't actually, Julian. Let's just get the fuck outta here. I'm fine.

Nurse:
I'm sorry sir, there's no smoking. And is this gentleman with you too?

Ricky:
Yeah, I'm fucking with him. What do you mean, there's no smoking?

Nurse:
And what is your problem, sir?

Ricky:
Well, now I can't smoke. That's my first problem. I got a busted nose which I now got a rag glued to, and a fucking truck glued to my hand. How's that for a start?

Conky:
And she's fucked in the head.

Ricky:
Conky.

Conky:
He needs a brain transplant.

Ricky:
(grasps Conky by his throat) I'm serious, you better fuck off.

Julian:
(moves Ricky's hand away from Conky) Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick, Rick.

Ricky:
You've been fucking with me all goddamn day here.

Nurse:
Washington, hold wide. Please, Washington. Sir, let's all just calm down.

Julian:
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Ricky:
You want a piece of me, you little dick? Huh?

Julian:
Ricky.

Conky:
Don't you touch me.

Ricky:
(punches Conky in the face) Stop fucking looking at me, Conky

Nurse:
What is the gentleman's first name?

Julian:
Bubbles.

Ricky:
Fucking dick.

Nurse:
And what is his last name?

Julian:
Uh... just Bubbles.

Ricky:
Get the fuck away from me, Conky. Get the fuck away from me.

Nurse:
Okay. And you gentlemen all live at the same civic address?

Julian:
(Points to Bubbles) He lives in my shed. (Points to Ricky) Ricky lives in his car.

Nurse:
Okay. Any health card social insurance numbers? Is there any information you can give me?

Ricky:
I do have one last bit of information for ya. (sticks up both middle fingers on both his hands, with the truck glued to his hand) This is called a double whammy, which I only bring out for special occasions, alright? So why don't you and your whole hospital fuck off, you won't help me. It's 'cause I live in a car? Is that what it is?

[the boys get apprehended by orderlies and are pulled from the nurse's desk]

Ricky :
Fuck! Holy fuck! You guys can fuck off!

Julian:
Guys, guys, guys, guys.

Ricky :
The fuck is this shit?! I live in a car, you won't fucking fix me up or help my friend?

Conky:
Nice going, Ricky.

Ricky :
Fuck you, Conky.

(the orderlies throw the boys out of the hospital)

Ricky :
Fuck!

Orderly:
Crazy octo-eyed motherfuckers.

Conky:
Frig off, Washington. (to Ricky and Julian) Are you happy now, Julian? Bubbles is gonna go into a coma and die probably, ya idiots!

Bubbles:
Conky, please, just don't taunt.

Julian:
Bubs, Bubs, don't worry about it. I'll get that tooth out somehow, alright?

Ricky:
(pissing on the side of the hospital) Who can go fuck whose self? No, you fuck off, you little fucker!

Julian:
Rick, who the hell are you talking to?

Ricky:
Fuckin' squirrel on my shoulder just told me to fuck off.

Bubbles:
Ricky, you're hallucinating!

Julian:
(pulls Ricky away from the wall) Listen, get a hold of yourself, Ricky. Ricky, you just pissed on me!

Ricky:
Well, you pulled me away!

Julian:
Listen, just pretend you're on mushrooms, all right? Just go with it. Come on, let's go.

Conky:
Well, well, well! What do we have here? Jim Lahey's car is at the vet!

Bubbles:
What's Lahey doin' here?

Conky:
Why don't you go find out, Bubbles? Or are you too scared?

Bubbles:
Conky, you better fuck off, I'm tellin' ya!

Conky:
Fuck off? You just remember I call the shots here, Bubbles. You got it?

Bubbles:
Yes, Conky.

Conky:
Good.

Conky:
Why don't you just off shoot your gun some more, very recklessly like. Idiot!

Ricky:
Did you just call me an idiot, Conky, huh?

Conky:
Maybe I did, Reveeeeeen!

Ricky:
All right, Reveen is taking it a little too far, all right? You little fucker.

Conky:
(singing) He's the fuckin' man they call...

Julian:
Don't say it, Bubbles.

Conky:
Reveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeen!

Ricky:
That's it. I have fuckin' had it with you. (whips out his gun and points it in the puppet's face)

Julian:
Ricky, you're pointing a loaded handgun at a puppet.

Ricky:
Yes I am.

Julian:
Behind the puppet is our friend. The bullet will go through the doll and kill Bubbles. Give me the gun.

Ricky:
I gotta kill this puppet, Julian.

Julian:
Ricky, give me the gun. Give it to me.

(Julian manages to get the gun out of Ricky's hand)

Conky:
Oh, those were excellent negotiation tactics you used... Patrick... Swayze.

Julian:
That's not funny, Bubbles.

Conky:
(singing) Oh my Julian, my handsome Julian- Patrick Swayze, (Julian pushes Conky away from Bubbles' face) you were so fuckin' sexy in Road House and fuckin' dirty dancin'.

(Julian raises the gun and shoots Conky in the face, blowing his head apart, but avoiding Bubbles)

Bubbles:
Oh my God! Julian, what happened?

Julian:
(hugs Bubbles) Sorry buddy, you were going crazy on us, man.

Sam:
Smoking much dope lately, boys? You guys are fucked.

Julian:
All right boys, let's dump him in.

Bubbles:
Wait, could I at least keep his glasses and his little sweater?

Ricky:
No way, bad idea, Bubbles.

Julian:
Come on, Bubs, let's go.

Ricky:
(tossing Conky in his "coffin" into the swamp) Fuck you, Conky.

[while searching for the "samsquamtch" that's been destroying their weed field]

Ricky:
Bubbles, hold the binoculars. If this thing's down there, Julian, I want you to shoot him, then I'm gonna jump on top of the cocksucker with a net and we're gonna have to beat him with everything we fuckin' got.

[Ricky turns his attention to the camera crew]

Ricky:
I could need some help from you dicks, alright?

[Ricky grabs the microphone boom and brings the mic close to his face]

Ricky:
You hear that there, Mr. Microphone Man? If we get this thing down in the net, you fuckin' jump in and help us!

[Ricky pushes the boom away from himself, causing the sound man to drop the boom]

Ricky:
Fuckin' idiot.

Crew Member:
Frig off, Rick!

Ricky:
Don't tell me to frig off. Thing attacks you, I'm not even gonna jump in.

[Bubbles falls down while walking down a trail]

Bubbles:
Boys, I slipped in poop! Bigfoot poop!

[Bubbles tries to catch a look at the bottom of his shoes]

Bubbles:
Do I got Bigfoot poop on me?

[as they find the mountain lion that's been eating their weed]

Julian:
Holy shit, boys, don't move! So that's who's been eating our weed.

Ricky:
You little fucker. OK, you guys stay here. I'm gonna throw the net on him, put him in a headlock, and choke him out.

Bubbles:
Ricky, put the net down. You're not fuckin' choking him out.

Ricky:
Why?

Bubbles:
He's just a big kitty, boys. I can deal with this, I know kitties.

Ricky:
What if he has radies?

Bubbles:
Ricky, it's rabies, with a B, not radies. And he doesn't have rabies. He's been eating weed for a fuckin' month! He's baked out of his goddamn mind, I can tell just the way he's standing there. He only did that to Trevor because he had that leopard-print jacket on. See, he's just a big, stoned, horny kitty with the munchies! Trevor was eating chips, too! (pets the mountain lion) Who's a good boy?

Bubbles:
You look kind of French with your little mustache, there. I'm gonna call you Steve French! That's a good name for you.

Julian:
Bubbles, Bubbles, listen to me. This isn't a helpless little kitty. This is a dangerous fucking kitty. You know he's gotta go right? Remember the saying: if you love something set it free?

Bubbles:
I know, I know. If it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't, it never was. I've heard it a thousand times. But he needs our help right now, and the best thing to do is to get some weed in the fajitas, now let's do it.

Ricky:
This is all I got left. I'm telling you right now, I'll give him some, but... I'm eating half those fajitas. You hear me there 'Steve,' or whatever the fuck your name is?

Bubbles:
Steve French.

Bubbles:
Julian, we found him!

Julian:
Well, lock him in your shed, Bubbles.

Bubbles:
He was down fucking around with Donny's garbage, then he pooped on the hood of Mrs. Peterson's car!

Jim:
We know there's a fuckin' animal in here, Ricky. The tracks lead right to shit town. What the fuck's goin' on?

Ricky:
What the hell are you talking about, Lahey, you idiot... (throws Lahey's bow over the fence) Look, this is none of your fuckin' business. You know what? We all know what's going on here anyway. You're trying to fill my feet. Guess what, Lahey? You will never, ever be the fuckin' trailer park supervisor I was. Got that? (lights a cigarette) You're fuckin' losin' it, bud.

Jim:
You know what, Ricky? You already lost it. It's gone, bud. Whatever it is, whatever you are, gone. He who looks into the abyss realizes that there's nothin' looking back at him and the only thing he sees is his own character, Ricky. You understand, bud? The abyss? The shit abyss?

Randy:
Means deep stuff, Ricky. You wouldn't understand.

Ricky:
What does it mean then, Randy? Huh? Fuck does it mean?

Randy:
I understand it.

Ricky:
Oh, you do, do you? No you don't, because it's fucked. 'Cause everything you assholes say, you fuckin' take from books. Guess what? I don't steal anything from books. You guys, get the fuck outta here! (pushes Lahey into the car) Get the fuck outta here, I'm serious! (throws a net on Randy) And take your little net with you! (pushes Randy into the car)

Randy:
Frig off, Ricky!

Ricky:
Oh, we caught a little animal, there's a big fuckin' animal in the trailer park! Fuckin' dicks. Get the fuck outta here! (slams the car door)

Bubbles:
Shit abyss, I'm not a-scared of a fuckin' shit abyss. Lahey's fucked.

Julian:
Yeah, well, if Lahey sees Steve French and calls the Department of Lands and Forests, we're fucked, boys.

Ricky:
What the fuck would the Department of Lands and Forests do?

Julian:
Did you see the tattoo under Steve French's ear?

Ricky:
No.

Julian:
Well, there's one there and they use it for tracking, Rick. They'll be able to track him right back to our dope field. Cops, jail. Fuck jail. I'm not going back to jail, Ricky. Not gonna happen, man.

Ricky:
Julian, don't be dissing jail, man. We've had some good fucking parties in there. We have good friends in there. They fed you, you use their gym. Come on, don't be dissing jail. It's not fucking cool.

[the mountain lion chases Trevor into Lahey and Randy's camper]

Jim:
Trevor, what the hell are you doing in our trailer? (Lahey watches as the lion follows Trevor into the camper) Oh, shit! Trevor!

Randy:
Stop, drop, and roll, Trevor!

Jim:
That's for fire, Randy!

Lucy:
Ricky, get this cat outta here or I'm pressing charges. There are kids that live here, for God's sake. You know, children, family?

Ricky:
I know what fuckin' kids are, Lucy. And I'm a hell of a lot better father than you'll ever fuckin' be.

Lucy:
You have no idea how stupid you are, do you?

Ricky:
Actually, yes I do.

Jim:
Randy just doesn't understand. I mean, I love him dearly, but I hate Ricky more. I just don't wanna put up with that prick for the rest of my life. You know, he grew up as a little shit spark from the ol' shit flint and then he turned into a shit bonfire and driven by the winds of his monumental ignorance, he turned into a raging shit firestorm. If I get to be married to Barb, I'll have total control of Sunnyvale and then I can unleash a shit nom E tidal wave that will engulf Ricky and extinguish his shit flames forever. And with any luck, he'll drown in the under shit of that wave. Shit waves. (Takes a sip of his rum)

Jim:
Tick-tock, tick-tock. Shit clock's tickin', Rick!

Rita McNeil:
*singing "Working Man" while harvesting marijuana*

Ricky:
What in the fuck is going on? Can everybody please shut up?

Bubbles:
Ricky, you're forcing Rita McNeil and her band to harvest dope at gunpoint. You could be a little fucking nicer!

Rita Mcneil:
*handing a dope plant to Ricky* Here's a good one, dear.

J-Roc:
Ricky, what the fuck happened to your head, man?

Ricky:
Fucking Lahey blew me up! What happened to YOUR head? Why you wearing a wig, J-Roc? That's fucked.

J-Roc:
Yo I ain't J-Roc, that muthafuka's in jail

Tyrone:
Yeah, that's not J-Roc, J-Roc's in jail till the album drops!

J-Roc:
That's right, T.

Lucy:
Merry Christmas, Jules. Got you a little something. A mistletoe belt buckle.

Lucy:
(confessional) I made a special Christmas present for Julian. It's a... It's a mistletoe belt buckle.

Bubbles:
You're supposed to smooch what's ever under mistletoe, so... It's not too hard to figure out what she's tryin' to say.

Ricky:
There is nothing better than being in jail at Christmas. Guards let you party for twelve days straight, got no fuckin' work chores or book readin's or Christmas trees or giving gifts or fuckin' lights... Fuck all that bullshit! (To other prisoners) Let's get fucked up!

Guard:
Ricky, you got somebody here to see you.

Ricky:
What are you talking about?

[Bubbles is warming up as Ricky walks into the room]

Ricky:
Bubbles! What are you doing here, buddy?

Bubbles:
Hey Ricky! Julian bailed you out! You're out!

Ricky:
What?

Bubbles:
Get your stuff!

Ricky:
No, Bubs, no! I got twelve days of partying. Come back in twelve days, buddy.

Bubbles:
Ricky, what are you talking about? Come on, we're getting you out! Sign out!

Ricky:
Oh my fuck! I don't wanna leave now! What the fuck's he doing bailing me out? Fuck! Thiebaud! Thiebaud, go get my shit. Apparently I'm out. Christmas is fuckin' ruined.

Ricky:
I can't believe Julian bailed me out. I mean, he knows how cool it is in jail at Christmas and he ruined it anyways! Julian's up to something, I fuckin' know he is!

[The guard getting Ricky's things out of a storage room passes out, knocking over a shelf with a crash]

Ricky:
Jesus Christ. Dougie! Fuckin' Chris passed out again!

[Ricky walks into the storage room and grabs his coat, the other guard walks in]

Ricky:
I told you man, he's drinking rum and smoking weed! Keep him on the hash. Can't smoke weed and drink rum!

Ray:
So tell me, buddy... What did you learn about being a man on the inside this time around, man?

Ricky:
Dad, not this shit!

Ray:
Not shit, Rick. I'm talking about your soul. And we're going to Midnight Mass tomorrow night too, boys, by the way...

Ricky:
No...

Ray:
Way it goes! What did you learn about being a man?

Ricky:
Mostly just family stuff. I mean, well, a man is... is supposed to... always be thinkin' about stuff about his family and for to make himself to do things that are gonna good-er the family up-around and good-er it up. And that is what is a man.

Ray:
Yeah. Yeah, no, you're, you're, you're right. But did you ever wonder why a smart guy like you is on this earth, Rick? Smart guy with a good soul, a guy who shouldn't be in jail?

Ricky:
Dad, don't be dissin' jail. Seriously. Don't fuckin' dis jail.

Ray:
I'm not dissing jail, Rick. I'm not dissing jail, buddy. I'm talking about your spirituality here, okay? Come on, spirituality!

Ricky:
Dad, I write letters every year, you know that. I mean, I'm sending a letter off to the big guy tomorrow. So, it's taken care of. Done. No problem.

Ray:
Huh?

Ricky:
The letters... You and Mom got me to write them every year at Christmas. I'm sending one off tomorrow again.

Ray:
To Santa Claus, Rick?!

Ricky:
Yeah, the big guy.

Bubbles:
The big guy?! The big guy? That's God, Ricky.

Ricky:
Yeah, God. That's what I said. Santa.

Ray:
Ricky, come on, you know Santa and God aren't the same guy, right?

Ricky:
Dad, you didn't know that? I mean, think about it! How would he get around the world in one night? Of course he's the same person. Right, Bubs?

Bubbles:
No, Ricky. Santa and God, that's two different things.

Ricky:
What?...

Ricky:
Oh my fuck! You know, I did maybe think that I fucked that up. I wasn't sure, and I didn't want to say anything just in case Santa was God. Like, it would obviously, probably, wouldn't it piss him off that I got that mixed up like that?

Ray:
Ah, Jesus Ricky!

Ricky:
But it'd piss him off!

Ray:
Well, yeah, Ricky but... Man!

Ricky:
You never mixed that up?

Ray:
No!

Ricky:
Bubs, you never mixed that up?

Bubbles:
No, Ricky. I've never mixed that one up. Ricky, wait now. Were you counting on Santa to bring presents to Trinity?

Ricky:
Yeah. What, Santa's not coming now?

Ray:
No! Rick, no.

Ricky:
Well that's fuckin' bullshit! Well I've got no presents! What am I supposed to do? I need presents for Lucy and Trinity!

Ricky:
Great! Christmas is fucked!

Julian:
Boys, get these trees delivered! Come on!

Ricky:
Hurry the fuck up, we gotta go down to the mall! Fuckin' nerds...

Bubbles:
(laughs) Nerds!

Julian:
What the fuck are you guys doing? Huh? Grab a tree! Both of yas! One each!

Cory:
You want one of these ones, er...

Julian:
Just grab a fuckin' tree!

Ricky:
Hey! Nerds! Let's go!

Trevor:
Julian, I can't get the tree out, it's stuck!

Ricky:
You can't get the tree out because you're a nerd! Why is there two nerds carrying one tree?! One tree per nerd! God damn fuckin' nerds!

Randy:
Hey! Do you like to party?

Barb:
Excuse me?

Randy:
Do you like to party?

Barb:
Oh my God! Randal? Are you a male prostitute?

Randy:
Barb Lahey?

Barb:
You are. You're a male prostitute and you've been drinking!

Randy:
No, I'm not a male prostitute! I work construction down in Florida. I got time off for Christmas.

Barb:
Randal...

Randy:
Okay, I am a male prostitute and I've had a couple drinks.

Barb:
Oh my God, you poor thing! Go on, get in my car and warm up. Do you like cheeseburgers, hon?

Randy:
Simon?

Barb:
No! No, this is Jim. And Jim, this is Randal. Well, Randy. He's gonna be staying with us for a little while. Just temporarily. I thought he could help you out around the park, you know, for a bit of food and a place to stay.

Jim:
Staying with us...

Barb:
Well, yes. That is why I started the outreach program at the church! You just, um, you just make yourself at home, Randy.

[Barb walks out of the room]

Randy:
Simon, you're married?!

Jim:
Don't you say a fuckin' word! And don't call me Simon. Please never call me Simon, always Mr. Lahey! Always. Always!

Ray:
Boys! Let's go. We have to get to church. Let's go.

Ricky:
Dad, I can't go to church. Got a bunch of dope from jail and we're going down to the pool hall to make some money!

Ray:
Ricky, it's Christmas. We're going to church. That's the way it goes.

Julian:
Ray, I've got gifts to sell. I'm not going to church. I can't go to church...

Bubbles:
I'm not going to church. I have no interest in going...

Ricky:
Dad, I gotta sell my dope...

Ray:
Way it goes! Way it goes, boys.

Bubbles:
My God, Ricky! I think it's a letter from my mom! (reading letter aloud) Dear Bubbles: Merry Christmas. Sorry we're not there with you. It was the hardest thing we've ever done, when me and your dad had to pack up and leave you, but some very dangerous men were coming after your daddy, for his gambling, fighting and shooting his mouth off, drunk down at the legion. We never wanted to put you into any jeopardy so we had to leave fast. Hopefully some day you'll understand. P.S.: I've asked Julian's grandmother if you could stay with them for a bit. She said no problem, Julian would look after you. You're lucky you have a friend like Julian and that Richard boy who you try to help out with his school work.