Veronica Mars, Season 2

Veronica:
Got any enemies you know about?

Wallace:
Well, there's the Klan.

Veronica:
This isn't really their M.O.

Wallace:
Well, then I guess that leaves everybody that hates you.

Keith:
So, senior year. How was your first day at school honey?

Veronica:
Great! I beat up a freshman, stole his lunch money and then skipped out after lunch.

Keith:
What, no pre-marital sex?

Veronica:
Oh, yea... yes. But don't worry dad, I swear you're gonna like these guys.

Keith:
That's my girl.

Veronica:
I missed you.

Keith:
[While they hug] I missed you too. Now, where is my turkey pot-pie, woman?

Wallace:
[after failing a drug test] Yeah, mon. Maybe I smoked so much ganja, I don't even remember doing it.

Veronica:
What if you did ingest an illegal substance, but it was such a mild dose that you weren't even aware of it? Eat any mystery brownies lately?

Wallace:
Spirit boxes! The day of the back to school athletic banquet, there were spirit boxes in our lockers. There weren't any brownies in there, but there were cookies.

Veronica:
Did you eat one?

Wallace:
I ate six.

Veronica:
That's my Wallace.

Veronica:
[making out with Logan] My dad is probably watching us through a telescope.

Logan:
He's probably impressed with your virtue.

Veronica:
[laughs] And the telescope is mounted on a rifle.

Logan:
[Pauses, then looks up to where Keith is supposedly watching, with rifle, and holds up his hand, fingers spread] Five more minutes. [Veronica giggles] He should feel lucky. I mean, you could be out here with some pretty boy jerk just looking to get laid.

Veronica:
Wait, what are you saying? You aren't pretty?

Logan:
What I'm trying to say is that I'm in love with you.

Veronica:
The things guys'll say to get past second base.

Keith:
What's up, honey?

Veronica:
Wallace is having a little trouble giving me a urine sample.

Keith:
Can't you talk on the phone and paint your nails like other girls?

Veronica:
This is a health class project. Come on, you're a man -- can you give him some pointers?

Keith:
[sighs, walks over to bathroom door] Wallace?

Wallace:
Yup?

Keith:
You try turning the water on?

Wallace:
Mmmm-hmmm.

Keith:
Also, pinching your own nipples can sometimes work.

Veronica:
[pushes her dad out of the room] Eww that's disgusting. I can't even look at you. [giggles]

[interrupting a conversation between Duncan and Veronica]

Jackie:
[clears throat] When you guys are done breaking up, can I get a macchiatto?

Veronica:
I'm actually just the hostess, but I ca-

Jackie:
Look! I don't care if you're the house magician, can you just make me a macchiatto?

Veronica:
[waves hands as a magician would do] You're a macchiatto.

Logan:
Afternoon delight? Ooh, considerably better than fifth period English.

Kendall Casablancas:
Ugh, you need to not remind me you're in high school. There's an 'ick' factor.

Logan:
Is that so?

Kendall:
Yeah. School in general? Not very hot. Unless I'm wearing a naughty school girl uniform. Then it's very hot.

Logan:
I'm sure it would be, for the ten seconds you had it on.

Duncan:
Veronica, it's not your fault.

Veronica:
I'm afraid that line only works in Good Will Hunting.

Duane:
Let me tell you something. If I was gonna do a kamikaze, you know, off a bridge with a bus full of kids and stuff, a convenience store would not be the site of my last meal. I'd want to eat something on the brink of extinction, you know, like the last emu. Or a meerkat. I bet they'd go down smooth.

Deputy Sacks:
Hey Sheriff...you'll never believe who's in the interrogation room filling out an application.

Lamb:
You're right. Who?

Sacks:
Veronica Mars.

Lamb:
You left her alone in there?![barges into the interrogation room] What are you up to, Veronica?

Veronica:
Last question, actually. "Why do you want this position?" Honestly - and really tell me the truth - how much of an ass-kiss would I be if I admit it's to be close to you? [Lamb pulls out her chair] Seriously, why do birds suddenly appear every time you're near?

Lamb:
So, I guess you know why you're here. You want to tell me about it?

Veronica:
: Okay. [exhales deeply] I confess. [pounds fist] God, you're good! I have no idea why I'm here. But I'm sure my Dad was interested to know why you hauled his daughter in and subjected her to the crime-busting stare for no apparent reason.

Lamb:
He didn't need to know that you were here. You're eighteen now, kiddo. You're an adult.

Veronica:
Well, that makes one of us. So are you gonna tell me why I'm here, or should I just sit back and enjoy your impression of a mildly-constipated David Caruso?

Lamb:
What can you tell me about your relationship with this man? [slides a folder of photos to her]

Veronica:
Ah, yes. I remember that summer. He was a roadie for Whitesnake. I was singing backup for Boyz II Men. They said it would never work, but -

Lamb:
I'm glad that you find this amusing.

Veronica:
Another thing girls love are Jimmy Choos, Dolce & Gabbana, and convertibles that cost more than the gross national product of Sri Lanka.

Veronica:
[voiceover] Tailing young Miss Kendall was about as hard as following Malibu Barbie to the beach house.

Duncan:
Careful, Logan. You're exposing your soft underbelly.

Logan:
My underbelly is rock hard. It can go all night.

Keith:
I'd love to have underlings and deputies other than my daughter. She's really no good at wrestling the hopped-up meth heads into the back of the car.

Veronica:
[voiceover] The only way I'd ever make two grand in a week working at the Hut is if they installed a pole.

Keith:
[to Alicia] You just fulfilled one of the Top 10 male fantasies...Oh yeah, a guy dreams his whole life of a beautiful woman bringing him a sandwich.

Veronica:
My Dad spend the night at your place?

Wallace:
Yep.

Veronica:
He do the A.M. doughnut fake-out run?

Wallace:
[pulls out paper bag] Want one?

Weevil:
Yo, Martha. I heard you took a ride downtown behind the 187. So did you flop for the cops or did the local Wapner hook you up with some ankle bling?

Veronica:
You know the deal, cuz. Every time some kitty cries in this town, one-time tries to put a call on me. Speaking of bling, what's up with the hoops? If I rub your head, do I get three wishes?

Weevil:
You rub my head, and you might want to make seeing tomorrow your first wish.

Weevil:
Look, should I be expecting a visit from Lamb? If I know I'm being brought in, I'll put on my good underwear, you know?

Veronica:
You should really do that anyway.

Mr. Wu:
Homecoming season is upon us...

Veronica:
Much like the plague.

Veronica:
It sounds like you don't need a photographer from the "Neptune Navigator" who knows how to shoot your good side.

Keith:
I got nothing but good sides, baby.

Veronica:
It's weird that you live here. I don't want you going all 'Howard Hughes-y' on me.

Duncan:
I am not a shut-in. These nails? Neatly trimmed. Though, now that you mention it, I have started bottling my own urine.

Veronica:
Ew.

Veronica:
[to Duncan] You're here for your looks. Why don't you leave the heavy thinking to me, sugarpants? Now go make yourself pretty.

Veronica:
[answers phone] Chesty LaRue. Hey, Duncan. I'm fine. I'm slathering up my boobs as we speak.

Dick:
Dude. My stepmom?

Logan:
I am a total piece of crap.

Dick:
Better you than the cable guy, I guess. And I'd be lying to say if I've never perved on your mom while she was prancin' around the pool in that hardly there bikini of hers.

Logan:
Great. So...no hard feelings?

Dick:
No, she gave me a few.

Sacks:
Sheriff would like to have a word with you.

Logan:
And I'd like to be the cream filling of an Olsen twins sandwich, but...

Sacks:
Will you come with me, please?

Logan:
If I'm under arrest, then do me the courtesy of making it all official like. [Sacks cuffs Logan.] Now that's more like it.

Sacks:
You're under arrest for the murder of Felix Toombs.

Logan:
Ooh, I am having the weirdest déjà vu.

[Logan is picked out of a police lineup.]

Officer:
Number four, step forward.

Logan:
Oh wow, I'm stunned. You like me! You really like me! Well first, I'd just like to say the other, uh, nominees are all such wonderfully gifted criminals. And I wanna thank my agent and my publicist for always shooting me from the left side.

Logan:
So, my tax dollars at work. Where were you? Getting thirds at the Crazy Girls lunch buffet?

Cliff:
Actually, they discontinued the buffet. Some health code thing. Okay, my name is Cliff, I'll be your 'if-you-cannot-afford-an-attorney' attorney. So. What are you trying to prove?

Logan:
Um...my innocence?

Cliff:
No. I mean with this 'poor little rich boy' stunt. Having me represent you doesn't make you look innocent. It makes you look like an arrogant jackass. If the witness' story holds, you are going to trial.

Logan:
Hmm. The guy's lying.

Cliff:
June 27th: you gave testimony saying that you couldn't remember a thing. Now, he comes forward saying he saw you, bloody knife in hand, ranting like a maniac over a dead body.

Logan:
And what exactly did I say, huh?

Cliff:
"The [expletive] [racial expletive] had it [maternal expletive] coming."

Logan:
[explaining the benefits of an ankle monitor] ...And the other sweet thing is that I'm in constant video contact with Martha Stewart, right?

Veronica:
[reciting The Big Lebowski] I'm not Mr. Lebowski, you're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the dude...so that's what you call me...either that or uh dudeness, duder, El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

Duncan:
Veronica, you need to stop being The Dude.

Veronica:
Stoner Bowler doesn't do it for you?

Duncan:
A little. Only because I like the way your lips pout when you do guy voice.

Veronica:
These lips? I've had them for years, I can't do a thing with them.

Logan:
Seriously, though. I was reading 'The Third Wheel: A Beginner's Guide,' and we should come up with, like, some kind of codeword for when you guys are feeling frisky and don't want to be disturbed.

Veronica:
Like "scram"?

Logan:
I was thinking..."awkward." But scram is good. Or "amscray." [Opens the door to see Kendall] You're not my grilled cheese.

Kendall:
No. [Notices Veronica and Duncan sitting on the couch] iPod girl. With the waxy-eared boyfriend. Small world.

Veronica:
Like this big. [gestures with her thumb and finger]

Logan:
My codeword will be..."endurance."

[Later]

Duncan:
[kisses Veronica's neck] Weren't we doing something?

Veronica:
We were making out on the couch and then that happened. [points to the room Logan and Kendall just entered]

Keith:
Look who got an invite to the Sheriff Department's Fundraiser/Bachelor Auction.

Veronica:
Please say "Veronica Mars."

Keith:
Sorry, sweetheart. You can't buy love. Bored wives of the wealthy, however, can. I'm wondering if they'll sell Sheriff Lamb by the pound.

Mrs. Hauser:
All right, people, pair up. You each have a piece of paper with an STD on it. You have to inform your partner that you have said STD.

Veronica:
All right, Gia, we can be partners, but no glove, no love.

Dick:
Yeah, let's get the dried-up divorcée to teach us about sex.

Gia:
I heard her husband left her for a man.

Dick:
And now we get bitchy and bitter for a year.

Gia:
Mrs. Hauser, mine's wrong. Isn't this a flower?

Mrs. Hauser:
No, Gia. Chlamydia is not a flower.

Gia:
Well, we have it on, like, a trellis at our beach house.

Veronica:
Your trellis is a whore.

Keith:
When you leave a sleepover early, I'm supposed to put a trench coat over my pajamas and come pick you up.

Veronica:
Sorry. I drive now. And I'm not 9.

Keith:
You'll always be 9 to me. Going on 30. [notices smell and starts sniffing Veronica's jacket]

Veronica:
Whoa, you two need to be alone?

Keith:
I know we had the smoking talking somewhere between the birds and the bees and the drinking and driving.

Veronica:
Actually I think it was more of a sentence - "Don't smoke" - and it was between "The Adventures of Pooh" and "Good Night, Moon."

Keith:
[holds out jacket] 'Splain.

Logan:
Didn't your dad say that the cigar store's a front for drug dealers? I mean, that's gotta be something.

Veronica:
Or not. Sometimes a cigar store is just a cigar store.

Logan:
Well, I'll remember to be quippy when you're looking at 20 to life.

Veronica:
Oh, you're being a jackass. It must be an even-numbered day. I do so prefer the odd-numbered days when you're kissing my ass for a favor.

Logan:
Well, you find out why this plastic surgeon is trying to get me sent away for killing Felix and I will make sure that all even-numbered days are removed from the calendar.

Clemmons:
Look, I'm just the vice-principal. Anything I say on the subject has to be cleared by the principal, so -

Veronica:
So you're just a powerless factotum and I should talk to Principal Moorehead?

Clemmons:
Yes... Exactly.

Veronica:
What's this four-week gap here?

Mac:
Oh, they went on a little sabbatical.

Veronica:
Do you know why?

Mac:
I suspect to torture me. Then they came back, and Cap'n Krunk wasn't on anymore and it blew, so I stopped listening.

Veronica:
The show's still on?

Mac:
A bastardized subpar version of the show is still on.

Veronica:
Any way to find out where they're broadcasting from?

Mac:
Yes. [she doesn't continue and Veronica gives a look] Sorry, I was just seeing how long we could have a conversation with your side only being questions. [Veronica scoffs] We can track the signal.

Veronica:
I'd be interested to know if you have the capabilities to track said signal. [both laugh]

Mac:
Look, I'm happy to be the "Q" to your Bond, but crime pays. Technologically assisted mystery solving costs. If you wanna play "Find the Crappy Radio Broadcast," Mama's gonna need a few things from Radio Shack.

Marcos:
[as "Cap'n Krunk"] The winner of this week's "Cock of the Walk" Countdown -

Butters:
[as "Imitation Crab"] Don't leave 'em hangin' Cap'n.

Marcos:
It's Logan Echolls.

Butters:
That's 40 weeks running.

Marcos:
Rosemary's Baby: The Teen Years. If I was his mother, I'd kill myself, too. [splash sound effect]

Butters:
Seriously, Cap'n, you name your daughter Roxie, and it's guaranteed at some point she'll be showing her cans for cash.

Marcos:
I'm saving up for that very day.

Butters:
Or get a varsity jacket and four liters of wine cooler and you can see 'em for free! Yeah, Becker's a date rapist, but in his defense, he's hideous and stupid, so meeting girls is hard.

Logan:
Any news on Nip/Schmuck?

Veronica:
It's pretty clear, isn't it? Our favorite plastic surgeon, for whatever reason, seems to be owned by the Fighting Fitzpatricks.

Logan:
Well, as far as I know, I've done nothing to get their Irish up.

Veronica:
And I'm working on the connections, okay?

Logan:
If you could exonerate me sometime soon, that'd be great. I really don't want bottom bunk in Fisty McRapesalot's cell.

Veronica:
If you want a top, I'm sure it's negotiable.

Logan:
Help me, Mars-Wan Kenobi, you're my only hope.

Mrs. Hauser:
Since you all had such a raucous good time with venereal diseases, I'm sure you'll be thrilled with phase two of Sex Ed. Ladies and gentlemen... [takes animatronic baby out of box] Welcome to Parenthood.

Veronica:
So that's where babies come from.

Kendall:
Hi, baby. What took you so long? [she kisses Logan]

Logan:
Well, if I had known you were throwing yourself at my roommate, [wipes lips] I'd have raced home.

Kendall:
I brought a surprise for you. I figured you and Duncan could try it. Maybe if you boys play nice, you could share or... take turns or something.

Logan:
Duncan's not into that sort of thing, pumpkin.

Kendall:
No, I'm talking about Dick's Maserati.

Trina:
Wait a minute. Are you like, sleeping with my little brother? What is he - 13?

Kendall:
Thirteen? He wishes. So, is this your much older sister I've heard nothing about?

Logan:
Oh, yes, where are my manners? Kendall Casablancas, Trina Echolls. Rode Hard, meet Put Away Wet.

Trina:
Hmm. I'm guessing she's the wet one. Well, I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got places to be.

Kendall:
Where? Is there a club where you, Dedee Pfeiffer, Joey Travolta, and Melissa Rivers all meet for drinks?

Trina:
There is. I don't think you'd like it. It's 21 and over. We're hitting an after party at Chuck E. Cheese though, if you're free. Okay, well, I need him in bed by ten p.m. sharp, he's got school tomorrow. [squeezes Logan's cheeks] Night, all. [exits]

Logan:
Well, the joke's on her - she came over to borrow my video camera. The girl does love a good exit line.

Logan:
I hope that tape didn't burn too much when they ripped it off. I hear that can leave some chafing.

Weevil:
You made the wrong play, dawg. I shouldn't let you live for what you pulled.

Logan:
What I pulled? Hang on, compadre, let's recap. You blasted a shotgun through my car with me inside.

Weevil:
That wasn't me.

Logan:
You torched my house. Then your masked bandidos played Russian roulette with my hand. Okay, my math says that you still owe me.

Weevil:
I thought you killed Felix.

Logan:
Well, I didn't.

Weevil:
Yeah, I pretty much know that now.

Logan:
Oh, are you waiting for the music to swell before you start the apology?

Weevil:
We have something in common now. We both need to find out who killed Felix.

Logan:
So what, we team up? Get matching capes? I ride shotgun in the sidecar?

Weevil:
Something like that, but not yet. See, I can't let you leave here looking the way you did when you walked in. Not if I don't want to end up some bald guy with tattoos who rides the school bus.

Logan:
Well, I hope you don't just expect me to stand here and take it.

Weevil:
Wouldn't be much fun if you did.

Logan:
So who's going to throw the first - [bell rings, Weevil punches first and they all-out fight]

Mac:
Pay me in cash, I ask no questions. Just tip me off when you're going public.

Beaver:
You know, I think that might be illegal.

Mac:
Still... you're admiring my moxie, aren't you?

Beaver:
Something like that.

Veronica:
The truth is, as a baby, you were left in a Neptune High girl's bathroom on prom night twenty-five years ago.

Trina:
No way. Ashton Kutcher is hiding somewhere, right? Ashton, come out! You can't get me that easy.

Veronica:
Trina, I'm dead serious.

Trina:
Okay. If you're joking, you really can act. You're a natural.

Veronica:
You were found in a girls' bathroom on prom night.

Trina:
What? So you mean my mother was like, one of those trashy sluts that dumped me in a garbage can?

Veronica:
I'm... pretty sure Celeste Kane is your mom.

Trina:
Well, there's worse news you could've given me. They've got billions!

Veronica:
I suppose they do. Um... I was going to use this audition tape to smoke her out, shame her. I was gonna send this video to all the tabloids.

Trina:
Oh, you're a rascal, Veronica Mars.

Veronica:
Am I? I was thinking I was something else... less flattering.

Trina:
You know, if we hurry, that tape can make tonight's Entertainment News. Oh, it's the least big Pat can do for me after leaving all those pervy messages on my voicemail.

Duncan:
Last spring... before we broke up...

Veronica:
Okay, stop, I was shown a diagram once. I know how it works. But you knew, and you didn't tell me?

Duncan:
This has nothing to do with us.

Veronica:
Oh, no. Nothing? Your secret illegitimate child gestating in the womb of your comatose ex-girlfriend affects neither you nor me.

Lamb:
[admiring himself in the mirror after bench pressing] You know, Keith, you really should've done more to push fitness when you were here.

Keith:
Yeah, I was going to get to that, but the crime-fighting kept getting in the way.

Veronica:
Oh, hello. Which one are you? Blinky? Humpty? Zorro?

Thumper:
My name is Thumper. Not that you really care.

Veronica:
Oh, I care... deeply. I guess you heard about our new cranberry walnut crumb cake. It's true: it's cran-tastic.

Keith:
[to Veronica] I'm sorry, I was looking for my apartment, but I seem to have stumbled upon some sort of magical winter wonderland instead. Why, perhaps this elf can help me.

Veronica:
I'm so impressed you fit a pony into my room. Presents, presents, presents!

Logan:
Hi-ho.

Veronica:
What did you say?

Logan:
Oh, your uniform. Hi-ho. It's off to work you go.

Veronica:
Guess that makes me Snow White.

Logan:
You must be on your way up to see Mopey.

Veronica:
How is he doing, Sleazy?

Vinnie Van Lowe:
Hey, Veronica! What's the haps?

Veronica:
Oh, you know. I didn't think there'd be air conditioning, but, other than that, this is pretty much how I pictured Hell.

Veronica:
I have no idea where he is, and if I did, you would be the... [counting fingers] last person I'd tell.

Vinnie:
Am I hearing you right? Because you'd tell Osama bin Laden before you tell me? Because back in my day, we had a little thing called patriotism.

Logan:
What's the word?

Dick:
The one they call Bootsy told me "no" and went on to suggest I perform sexual intercourse upon my own person.

Logan:
Doesn't he understand? If you could do that, you'd never come to school.

Dick:
Boy, that's the truth.

Lamb:
So... The F-B-I. I've thought about it, you know. But big fish, small town has its perks. Still, who knows? I still might apply.

Morris:
You go to college?

Lamb:
For a year. Blew out a knee at Southwest Texas playing ball.

Morris:
Speak a foreign language?

Lamb:
A little Mexican. Enough to get by. I tell 'em to turn their music down.

Morris:
Any expertise in computer science, law, physics, chemistry, forensics, mathematics?

Lamb:
Expertise...?

Morris:
Small town, big fish: You know, I'd ride with that.

Veronica:
So, the manager's boyfriend just dumped her, and she says this helps with the stress.

Wallace:
What is it?

Veronica:
A German chocolate nut-gasm.

Wallace:
I don't think that's going to help.

Weevil:
Where did you guys even meet?

Molly:
At church. St. Mary's.

Weevil:
Of course. The only place the micks and the spics ever get together without someone getting punched.

Cliff:
It's called self-surrender. At the negotiated time - five days hence - Wallace Fennel will turn himself into the Neptune sheriff's department, who will oversee his transfer to the Chicago police.

Wallace:
What if I'm not there?

Cliff:
Then they'll issue a warrant, you'll be arrested, probably found guilty, and end up "married" to some enormous murderer named Tiny. My advice? Be punctual.

Veronica:
Or prove your innocence.

Cliff:
Or that. Suit yourself.

Veronica:
And how can I help you, sir?

Weevil:
I need a favor.

Veronica:
Ah, a favor - one of our specialties.

Weevil:
I need you to bug the confessional at St. Mary's church.

Veronica:
Um... I'm sorry. That's not on our menu. Maybe you should try "You're crazy" down the street?

Logan:
[from the next table over] It's not just for him.

Veronica:
Isn't this a very odd coincidence? Or, wait - are you guys, like, roomies now and he ate your peanut butter and now you're not speaking?

Logan:
Funny you should bring up roomies, as I just lost one. I don't suppose you could help me find where Duncan disappeared?

Veronica:
Ooh, sorry, one favor per customer.

Weevil:
Uh, yeah, can we stay focused here? 'Cause if we're seen together by the wrong people, that would be bad.

Veronica:
So, this is sneaking? I've got a pantomine-horse disguise you could use. Do either of you have any experience being a horse's ass?

Logan:
Yeah, I'm glad my misfortunes amuse you.

Logan:
Look, Veronica, can you just once save my ass without comment?

Veronica:
No. Because saving your ass with comment, it just... it works better for me.

Veronica:
Slushies! Get your ice-cold, frozen... sugar water...

Logan:
You had me at "ice cold."

Veronica:
What's your poison?

Logan:
Oh, emotionally unavailable women. [Veronica glares] Let's see, uh... I want something that suits my mood.

Veronica:
Ooh, I'm sorry, we're all out of liquid evil.

Logan:
I'll take two of whatever will turn my tongue blue.

Veronica:
Hot date?

Logan:
Rain check? A night with the fellas. You know how it is.

Weevil:
Is it your undying love for me, or just good old-fashioned lust?

Veronica:
Que?

Weevil:
That kept you from turning me in?

Veronica:
[pauses] Love...of roller coasters. And hatred of anything that requires me to tie a sweater over my shoulders and be at sea with my classmates... Nothing to do with you. [they both give a small smile to each other]

Logan:
Oh the rich, how they mock you. [hands Veronica a $50 bill]

Veronica:
There's a $50 bill?

Logan:
Had them made special.

Dick:
I am so good at this game, bro.

Logan:
Shooting in a clown's mouth. Your future's bright, Dick.

Mrs. Hauser:
In less than three minutes, Veronica Mars has lost all the senior trip money.

Veronica:
Is that a record?

Veronica:
Why can't the evil just get jobs like the rest of us?

Veronica:
Jackie and I aren't exactly the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. She's not what you'd call huggable.

Keith:
Whereas you warm right up to people? Hmm.

Veronica:
Hmm

Keith:
Hmm.

Dick:
Dude, why are lesbians, like, so pissed off all the time? Let your freak flag fly, ladies!

Veronica:
How progressive of you, Dick.

Dick:
Damn, what is it with you? Do you follow me around for fun, or what?

Veronica:
Would it help if I started making out with my girlfriend in the hall?

Dick:
Yeah! Obviously. But look, I'll fix your car, whatever. You gotta learn to leave me alone.

Veronica:
And here I thought we were getting to be pals.

Dick:
Please. You date Logan, he's nailed for murder. You date Duncan, he's wanted for kidnapping. You get put on Robbie and Hunter's jury, they get sent to Chino. You're like rich-dude Kryptonite, Veronica. This rich dude wants no part of it.

Veronica:
I need you to get me into a restricted website.

Mac:
Sure, what's the address?

Veronica:
I don't know.

Mac:
What's it for?

Veronica:
It's a Neptune High gay chat room.

Mac:
Veronica, you're not...

Veronica:
No, I'm just curious. [chuckles] Curious as to what's posted on the website, more accurately. Here we go. Work your funky magic. [beat] And... nothing. What's the problem? [Mac stares at Veronica without speaking] ...You set it up, didn't you?

Jackie:
You can ride with me if you want. I realize it's no bus filled with rowdy towel-snapping jocks, but it'll smell better.

Veronica:
I don't know. Um... do you have room for my giant foam finger?

Jackie:
I do, and I can even drop you off around the block if you're worried about being seen together.

Veronica:
Yes. Please, by all means, protect my reputation.

Jane:
Veronica!

Veronica:
Hey, party girl.

Jane:
I need your help.

Veronica:
Let me guess: the "Pin the Penis on the Fireman" game ended in tears?

Logan:
So, you want me to come over after school?

Hannah:
The words out of your mouth are, "come over," but all I hear you saying is, "Let's have sex."

Logan:
Excuse me? All I heard you say was, "Let's have sex."

Cliff:
They've set a trial date sixty days from today.

Logan:
Whatever will I wear?

Cliff:
The D.A. is offering a one-time deal, a plea bargain.

Logan:
I'm not interested.

Cliff:
You should be. They're talking involuntary manslaughter. That brings your maximum sentence down from eleven years to four. With good behavior - if you could muster some - you'd be out in half that.

Logan:
[incredulous] Two years?

Cliff:
Logan, [sighs] let me remind you the prosecution has witnesses. The good kind - eyewitnesses.

Logan:
Cholo lowlives and a lying cokehead plastic surgeon.

Cliff:
A prominent, well-respected cokehead doctor. And how many jurors you think we can find in Neptune who haven't been exposed to your winning charm in the "Tinseltown Diaries"? Jurors love convicting smug, rich boys - it's a fact. I've asked around - and I hope this isn't news to you, but no one likes you.

Logan:
Even if I had stabbed Felix, which I didn't, it would've been self defense. I got jumped by a gang. Argue that.

Cliff:
I plan to, but the doctor didn't see a gang. He saw three bikers, one of them bleeding to death, a knife in your hand. He'll testify that you weren't in peril when you stabbed Felix.

Logan:
No deal.

Cliff:
Well, if it helps you decide on your wardrobe, I'll be wearing an "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.

Aaron:
[in jail] So...to what do I owe the pleasure?

Kendall:
I'm here to tempt you, Aaron.

Aaron:
Well, mission accomplished. Or should I say...with what?

Kendall:
Huge tracts of land...more action than I can handle. I'm here to offer you a piece.

Aaron:
So I guess Big Dick still has his fingers in a few pies, huh?

Kendall:
My husband's got quite a reach. Some are saying that he might be working abroad. [winks] Aaron, how would you like to walk out of here a richer man?

Aaron:
Ahh! You're cash-strapped. No I get it. I can help. But... [imitating Hannibal Lecter] quid pro quo, Mrs. C. Quid pro quo. F-f-f-f-f-f-f.

Kendall:
Impressive Hannibal. Well, they told me the glass is bulletproof, but I'm betting I could talk you through it. [unbuttons her top]

Kendall:
And that is why the Phoenix Land Trust is where you should put your money.

Logan:
I'm confused. You're talking and your clothes are on. I'm starting to think you really came over here to try and sell me real estate.

Dean:
Okay, so we're gonna play a game called "Two Truths and a Lie." Does everyone have a buddy? [Veronica raises her hand] All alone?

Veronica:
It's all right. I prefer it.

Dean:
Lie. See, that's how the game works. [to group] You have to tell your partner two facts and one lie and they have to guess which one is the lie, all right? [to Veronica] Okay, so go ahead.

Veronica:
Okay, I'm Veronica. I'm from Neptune. And I once shot a man in Reno just to watch him die.

Dean:
Oh, how'd that go?

Veronica:
It was a bit of a letdown.

Dean:
Hmm. Well, uh, I don't believe that you're from Neptune.

Veronica:
Wrong. Is that the end?

Dean:
Um, okay. Well, my name is Dean, I'm from Wheaton, Illinois. My father owns a Ford dealership, and I also shot a man in Reno, but it wasn't to watch him die, it was for, other issues.

Veronica:
Your father doesn't sell Fords.

Dean:
That's right, Toyotas. How did you know?

Veronica:
It's all in the eyes.

Dean:
All right, well, I guess I'll have to watch out for you next year.

Veronica:
Oh, I won't be attending.

Dean:
All right, enough lies.

Dick:
Dude! So we hanging this weekend or that chick still have your sack locked up in her Easy-Bake Oven?

Logan:
Actually, I am now a free man.

Dick:
The way we should be, man.

Logan:
"We"? What happened to Madison?

Dick:
[scoffs] Bailed. According to her friend, she met someone more mature.

Logan:
Where, Legoland?

Dick:
Pfft. Whatever, man. Maturity is like one of the two most overrated things on the planet.

Logan:
The other being?

Dick:
Chicks.

Logan:
Oh, so this worked out great for you.

Dick:
Dude, why do you think I'm in such a great mood? Screw it. This weekend, you and me are partying like Ozzy.

Cliff:
I want to emphasize this should not be construed as coercion. We're just showing you a picture. [shows Lamb a photo of him and Madison]

Keith:
That's Madison Sinclair, who I believe takes World History with my daughter.

Lamb:
[looks around, lowers his voice] So, what? This is blackmail? She's 18. That's legal.

Keith:
Sounds like a swell campaign slogan for the next election. [shows him a "campaign flyer": 18 - It's Legal! Re-Elect Don Lamb]

Wallace:
That's Veronica Mars - making friends and influencing people wherever she goes. See, if you come here next year, you've already got enemies. Just feel right at home.

Keith:
You´re back early.

Veronica:
Yeah, I ditched the goodbye hugging, can you believe it?

Keith:
You? Miss Hug. So you must be tired. Why don´t you lie in your...[interrupted by knocking]

Prostitute:
Is Keith here?

Veronica:
Dad... your hooker's here.

Keith:
Escort, honey... So why don´t you go to your room and do your... blog or whatever you kids do.

Weevil:
I need your help.

Veronica:
Ah, if I had fifty bucks every time someone said that.

Weevil:
Look, I know it's a drag being you, and...

Veronica:
No, seriously. I'm gonna need fifty bucks if you expect me to keep listening.

Weevil:
Well, I'm banking on curiosity getting the better of you..

[Veronica hesitates a long time, then stamps her foot.]

Veronica:
Alright tell me! Damn my curiosity!

Logan:
So this is staking out, huh? It looks sexier in the movies.

Veronica:
Did you hear anything from Hannah?

Logan:
Does deafening silence count?

Veronica:
You know, I'm not sure, but I think when they start shipping your girlfriends off, you are officially a bad boy. [they high-five each other]

Logan:
Her dad and your dad should get together and go bowling.

Mac:
This serves as a preemptive apology for the conversation that's about to take place. Okay, and... Beaver and I occasionally, you know, make out.

Veronica:
I made out once, back in the day. I think he had me pinned up against a woolly mammoth.

Mac:
So, not that I'm an expert in this stuff, but four months, typical high school boy - there should be some... under-the-bra action, no?

Veronica:
Let me consult my 'Idiot's Guide to Wanton Behavior': basically, you're asking me because I'm the sluttiest person you know?

Mac:
Um, "slutty" is your word choice. Mine was "worldly."

Veronica:
So four months and nada?

Mac:
Hand holding, kissing.

Veronica:
Tongue?

Mac:
Some tongue.

Veronica:
Ass grabbing?

Mac:
Helped me brush the dog hair off my pants once.

Lamb:
Still picking winners, huh, Veronica?

Veronica:
I told you, when I start picking losers, it's all you.

Weevil:
You know, an 09er could come in here with tea leaves and a Ouija board and they'd send out a SWAT team. It's time for plan B.

Veronica:
Not just yet, Dirty Harry.

Weevil:
In case you haven't noticed, I ain't no mick cop.

Veronica:
Uh, okay. Dirty Sanchez?

Keith:
Did you watch House of Wax again? You know that Hilton girl gives you nightmares.

[Veronica walks up behind Logan and knees him in the back of his leg.]

Veronica:
Yep, I have no idea what compelled me to do that.

Logan:
Is it because you're five?

Veronica:
I'm a little punchy. I haven't been sleeping.

Logan:
Thoughts of me? Hey, I get it. Sometimes I'm up all night, just thinkin' about myself.

Veronica:
Remind me: why did we break up?

Logan:
Well, you thought the other guy had greener grass. Or was it something about me being too much man? No, wait. It was you - you were too much man.

Logan:
Mr. Wu must really like his egg-drop soup.

Dick:
Uh, does this assignment come with [Chinese accent] pot stickah?

Mr. Wu:
Students! This experiment is a major test grade. For some of you, [looking at Dick] it means passing this class or not.

Dick:
[to Logan] Dude, is Mr. Wu hitting on me?

Mr. Wu:
Okay, people, that does it. I'm assigning your partners alphabetically. Dick, I think it's a bad idea for you and Mr. Echolls to be working together.

Dick:
So bad, it's good?

Mr. Wu:
No.

Dick:
[to Logan] God, I don't know how I'm gonna quit you. Shh! It's not me, it's Wu.

Veronica:
Peter was gearing up for what he called the "outing of all outings." I was wondering if he was pulling his favorite teacher out of the closet.

Mr. Wu:
[sighs] Veronica, I think when you get out in the world a little more, you'll discover that not all well-dressed, articulate, detail-oriented men are gay. Many of them are just... Asian.

Veronica:
Mac Attack, what's the haps?

Mac:
I got mugged. By my own principal. They took my cell-phone interceptor and apparently plan on keeping it until the end of the year. What happened to "end of the day"? Why wasn't that working?

Veronica:
Everyone still kept bringing in their cell-phone interceptors?

Mac:
Is there any chance you can get it back for me? I borrowed it from a buddy at Radio Shack because, apparently, I've become a psycho ex-girlfriend and I wanted to listen to Beaver's cell phone calls. [Veronica is silent] You're judging me.

Veronica:
Nope. I'm judging myself. Why don't I have a cell phone interceptor?

Mac:
Please, respect the business model, Veronica. I do the gadgets. You do the actual espionage.

[Veronica knocks three times, each punctuated by a brief silence.]

Butters:
That was your secret knock?

Veronica:
The genius is its simplicity.

Butters:
We have exactly eleven minutes before my dad gets back. The box is under there.

Mac:
Wow, Butters, this is - this is way cool of you.

Butters:
Just so you know, I'm an excellent dancer, so, don't worry about that.

Mac:
[confused] Oh... okay. I'll try not to...

Butters:
Well, I don't have to dance, though. I enjoy it, but I also enjoy a good conversation.

Veronica:
Look! Fake vomit - courtesy of locker 213. And whoever is in locker 792 is sans one "Smell it, Bitch" T-shirt.

Butters:
So, Mac, what color dress are you wearing?

Mac:
I'm actually wearing pants.

Butters:
[laughs] I just don't want the corsage to be, like, blue, and your dress is red and you think I'm an idiot.

Mac:
Veronica?

Veronica:
[holds up a book with a tag attached that reads '#333'] Do you mind if I give this Anarchist Cookbook back to Weevil?

Butters:
You know his locker number?

Veronica:
Who else would brag about meeting Satan halfway?

Keith:
Can you think of any reason Logan would have got three calls from Kendall on the day of the crash?

Veronica:
[sighs] Well, let's see...I believe the Latin term is coitus sordidus.

Keith:
They were sleeping together? [Veronica nods] That was weeks before Kendall's husband fled the country.

Veronica:
Logan may be a little fuzzy on the commandments.

Veronica:
You here to confess? Is that your tail I see between your legs?

Weevil:
No. But I can see how you might get confused.

[Veronica sees Wallace and Jackie kissing against her locker. She pushes them aside.]

Veronica:
Please, get a room. In Australia.

Wallace:
Hey, we're practicing for the prom.

Veronica:
What debutante bit you and turned you into prom zombie?

Jackie:
[waves] We just gave in, the whole nine yards - the ridiculous dress, the tux, lobster dinner, and limo. I mean, it happens once. Why not go all out?

Mac:
Because no one sold you as an indentured servant to Butters.

Veronica:
Mac, I didn't think he'd actually -

Mac:
He's picking me up in a Hummer limousine, we're having dinner on a replica pirate ship, and I suspect he's hired a zeppelin for the ride home. I'm going to fill my pockets with rocks, get a good grip on your ankle, and I'm going to jump off the top of -

Clemmons:
[over loudspeaker] Attention students: due to a significant number of alcohol related violations on the senior trip, this year's prom has been cancelled. That is all.

Mac:
Yes! Prayer works!

Veronica:
Cameras are on the roof, so if this guy followed you here, we should be able to spot him.

Gia:
Wow, how Mission Impossible! I feel like at any moment, Tom Cruise is going to dangle from the ceiling on cables.

Veronica:
Great. Now I won't be able to sleep. I hope he doesn't try to marry me.

Veronica:
Okay, I have news. The senior memories once thought lost forever can, in fact, be generated after all, albeit in a slightly degraded form. The rich kids are throwing a private replacement prom.

Wallace:
Damn, they just privatizing everything these days.

Jackie:
[looking at invitation] Alterna-Prom? Hmm, formal attire.

Wallace:
That's what I'm talking about.

Veronica:
Please don't give us the tux speech again.

Wallace:
What? You mean how, when I put on a tux, I make James Bond look like Cletus, the slack-jawed yokel?

Logan:
Who are you taking to the Alterna-Prom?

Dick:
Well, I considered a lot of chicks, but finally, I figured I'd just go stag. I mean, it's not the prom. It's the Alterna-Prom. Why narrow my options?

Logan:
Shot down, huh?

Dick:
It's like a conspiracy.

Logan:
It's a good thing we're graduating. Sounds like you've hit that point where every girl in school knows you.

Dick:
Bring on the sorority girls!

Logan:
I thought our story was epic, you know, you and me.

Veronica:
Epic how?

Logan:
Spanning years and continents. Lives ruined, bloodshed. Epic. But summer's almost here, and we won't see each other at all. And then you leave town... and then it's over.

Veronica:
Logan...

Logan:
I'm sorry about last summer. You know, if I could do it over...

Veronica:
Come on. Ruined lives? Bloodshed? You really think a relationship should be that hard?

Logan:
No one writes songs about the ones that come easy.

Keith:
When you get your chance to testify, it's important you keep yourself in check, okay? Aaron's lawyer is gonna use everything in his bag of tricks to rile you.

Veronica:
Ah, but here's the thing - I'm "unrileable." Easygoing Veronica Mars: that's what the kids at school call me.

Keith:
You sure you don't want to go over your testimony with the lawyers again?

Veronica:
You know what I want, more than anything in the world? I want to be there, in court, watching Aaron at the moment the jury reads the verdict. I want to see that smirk wiped from his face. I want to see his expression at the exact moment he realizes he'll never be a free man again.

Keith:
"Easygoing Veronica Mars," huh? [kisses her forehead] You know how fat men are sometimes called "Tiny"?

Veronica:
Do you know how long I've wanted to go to Stanford?

Wallace:
Since middle school.

Veronica:
Elementary, my dear Wallace.

[Wallace and Jackie chuckle.]

Veronica:
Do you have any idea how long I've waited to say that?

Keith:
I'm thinking about getting you some sort of... giant hamster ball, so you can roll everywhere in this protective sphere.

Veronica:
It'd just draw attention to me. Nobody likes a blonde in a hamster ball.

Wallace:
You better enjoy this, 'cause this is as nostalgic as I get. I just wanted to say, it was worth getting taped to a pole. I'm gonna miss you.

Veronica:
And my stupid ass face?

...

Wallace:
[walking away] This conversation never happened.

Veronica:
Sure it did.

Weevil:
This is pointless.

Beaver:
[sighs] Okay, look, so you know quadratic equations, right?

Weevil:
Do I look like someone who knows quadratic equations, huh?

Beaver:
I'm just trying to see what you already know.

Weevil:
Zero! You want your car fixed? Teach me.

Beaver:
Okay, okay. All right, look, so this equation right here, what do you think we should do first?

Weevil:
Am I a five-year-old girl, huh? Lay it out for me, dawg, c'mon! Make me understand.

Beaver:
Okay, okay! Okay, so let's say that you and your buddy wanna buy a 12-pack of a certain item, say, like, uh, spark plugs for "X" dollars, and you wanna find out how many of another item, like, um, I dunno, like oil, that you can get for the same amount. Except oil is "Y" times as much -

Weevil:
If this is your idea of terms I'll understand, I'm going to kill you. Or myself. It's a toss-up. Screw it, man. I'll just cheat.

Beaver:
No, look... but what about my car?

Weevil:
You know power buffers, right? Well, let's say your door panel is a summer home, right, and you need to clear out the south lawn to make a tennis court, so -

Mac:
[from next table over] F-O-I-L. That's all it is. First, Outside, Inside, Last. All algebra - it's just the formula.

Weevil:
Now can you teach me that?

Mac:
You'll still fix his car?

Weevil:
That's the deal.

Mac:
Okay, say you and your buddy buy a 12-pack of spark plugs... [Weevil glares] I'm just kidding.

Veronica:
[voiceover] So this is how it is. The innocent suffer, the guilty go free, and truth and fiction are pretty much interchangeable. ...There is neither a Santa Claus, nor an Easter Bunny, and there no angels watching over us. Things just happen for no reason, and nothing makes any sense.

Keith:
I'm on a flight to Reno leaving an hour after graduation.

Veronica:
I don't know if I like the idea of you running around a place full of armed, drunk businessmen.

Keith:
That's why I rarely go to Texas.

Clemmons:
I can't decide if my life is going to be easier or more difficult with you gone. Anything I should know in case I get another one like you someday?

Veronica:
Don't keep all your passwords taped on the bottom of your stapler. And stay cool, Mr. C.

Veronica:
Where's your brother?

Dick:
I think he took Ghost World up to his room. They're probably up there makin' love. Or playing Dungeons and Dragons. Or both, at the same time. They're both, like, 12th-level dorks. Just sayin'.

Beaver:
[after blowing up the plane] I know this might be a [snickers] bad time to ask for a favor... How would you feel, now that you have nothing left to live for, about just rolling yourself off? It's just, I really don't want your DNA all over my shirt.