[Final lines. Sir Humphrey enters the Cabinet Room]
Hacker:
Ah, Humphrey, come in, come in, come in! (Chuckles) How did your broadcast go?
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, very well, very well.
Hacker:
What did you say?
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, nothing in particular. I think I pointed out some of the difficulties in allocating responsibilities as between politicians and civil servants.
Hacker:
But you were discreet?
Sir Humphrey:
Why do you ask?
Hacker:
Were you or weren't you?
Sir Humphrey:
Yes.
Hacker:
Yes, you were or yes, you weren't?
Sir Humphrey:
Yes.
Hacker:
Humpy?
Sir Humphrey:
Wouldn't you expect me to be discreet?
Hacker:
Yes, of course.
Sir Humphrey:
There you are, then.
Hacker:
Good. Well, that's all right, then, isn't it?
Sir Humphrey:
Why do you ask, Prime Minister?
Hacker:
Well, it's just that the BBC sent me a tape.
Sir Humphrey:
A tape? What tape?
Hacker:
A tape of your broadcast. I thought we might listen to it together.
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Hacker:
Why not?
Sir Humphrey:
No, it isn't at all interesting.
Hacker:
Not interesting? The Cabinet Secretary talking to the nation?
Sir Humphrey:
Well, not VERY interesting.
Hacker:
You mean you were too discreet? (to Bernard) Play it, would you, Bernard?
[Bernard plays the tape]
Sir Humphrey:
[on tape. We hear what Humphrey said after he assumed recording had stopped.] My dear Ludo, nobody tells the truth about unemployment.
Ludovic Kennedy:
[on tape] Oh, why not?
Sir Humphrey:
[on tape] Because everyone knows you can halve it in a few weeks.
Ludovic Kennedy:
[on tape] How?
Sir Humphrey:
[on tape] Cut off all Social Security to all claimants who refuse two job offers. There's genuine unemployment in the north...
Hacker:
Humphrey!
Sir Humphrey:
I'm terribly sorry, Prime Minister, I didn't know! They didn't tell me! The interview was over!
Hacker:
The indiscretion! The irresponsibility! Is there any more?
Sir Humphrey:
No.
Bernard:
Yes.
Hacker:
Play it, Bernard.
Sir Humphrey :
[on tape] ...may be off the register as soon as you could say "parasite". Frankly, this country can have as much unemployment as it's prepared to pay for in social security, and no politicians have got the guts to do anything about it!
[Bernard stops the tape. ]
Hacker:
You said that!?
Sir Humphrey:
It was Mike Yarwood...
Hacker:
I'm in somewhat of a difficulty as to know what to do about this, Humphrey. I think I need advice.
Sir Humphrey:
Advice?
Hacker:
Perhaps I ought to play it to the Cabinet, get their reaction.
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, please!
Hacker:
Or the Privy Counsel.
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, please!
Hacker:
Or... Her Majesty?
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, God!
Hacker:
Do you realise what this would mean if it got into the papers, the damage it would do to me, to the government?
Sir Humphrey:
I could say I got it wrong! I've checked, it isn't true!
Hacker:
But it is true.
Sir Humphrey:
But I could say it isn't! Nobody can prove it, it's never been tried!
Hacker:
You would tell an untruth in public?
Sir Humphrey:
Yes, for YOU, Prime Minister! We can issue a clarification.
Hacker:
I think you already made yourself very clear.
Sir Humphrey:
No, Prime Minister, a clarification is not to make oneself clear, it is to put oneself IN the clear.
Hacker:
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave". (to Bernard) Give me the tape, would you, Bernard? (Bernard gives him the tape and Hacker turns back to Sir Humphrey) Now I've got something to tell you. (Shows Sir Humphrey the tape) This is a copy... (Takes out the film reel from inside his jacket) ...but this is the original, the master.
Sir Humphrey:
You mean?
Hacker:
They were retrieved from the BBC.
Sir Humphrey:
By whom?
Hacker:
Intelligence.
Sir Humphrey:
So no one else will ever know?
Hacker:
Well, that rather depends on what I choose to tell them. Of course, I could just hand over the tapes or... I could hold onto them while I consider the security and disciplinary implications. I certainly have no intention of joining "some shabby cover-up". Oh, that reminds me, have you decided yet what you're going to tell the Privileges Committee?
Sir Humphrey:
Oh, yes, yes, Prime Minister. I've decided that, uh, in the interests of national security, that, um, the only honourable course is to support your statement in the House.
Hacker:
And say that Hugh Halifax's telephone has never been bugged?
Sir Humphrey:
And say I have no evidence?
Hacker:
No, Humphrey, and say the government has never authorised the bugging of MPs' telephones.
Sir Humphrey:
...say the government has never author... Supposing they find out the truth?
Hacker:
You'll just have to say that nobody told you, because you didn't need to know. Agreed? (Sir Humphrey sighs) Splendid. Well, that's settled, then.
Sir Humphrey:
May one have one's tapes back?
[Hacker extends the cassette and the original tape reel toward Humphrey but then withdraws them]
Hacker:
Tomorrow. After the Committee on Privileges. All right, Humphrey?
Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Prime Minister. (Leaves the table)
