Wikidude's Quotes Page #168

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Gretchen: Well, as my grandma used to say, it's only a walk of shame if you're capable of feeling shame. See you later. Thanks for doing all the sex stuff on me. – You're the Worst, Season 1 Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Jimmy: [watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off] This movie has one of the greatest villains of all time. Edgar: Yeah. Principal Rooney is so mean. Jimmy: Rooney? Rooney's not the villain. Edgar: Oh, you mean the sister, that girl from... Jimmy/Edgar: ...Dirty Dancing/Wind. Jimmy: Okay, first of all, Wind is what you retained from Jennifer Grey's career? And no, she's not the villain either. Edgar: Then who is? Jimmy: Cameron. Edgar: Cameron? No. Cameron's his best friend, Cameron's his sidekick. Jimmy: Edgar, I think I know a little something about Campbellian storytelling. Ferris is the hero, Jennifer Grey is the foil, Principal Rooney is the fool, Sloane is the sidekick, Cameron's the villain. Edgar: Wait, how is Cameron the villain? Jimmy: Ferris just wants to show Cameron a fun day for once in his pathetic little life, but Cameron acts like a whiny knob the whole time, subverting every attempt at fun with his passive-aggressive anxiety and relentless nay-saying, essentially ruining what might be Ferris's last day of freedom by being a miserable, agoraphobic, cockblocking enemy of fun! Edgar: Cameron's sick, he doesn't even want to go out, but Ferris guilts him into it and...and makes him steal his father's luxury automobile. Jimmy: Are we even watching the same movie? Edgar: I think so. – You're the Worst, Season 1 Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Gretchen: You just spit on it? Jimmy: Yeah. Gretchen: You just spit on my vagina. Jimmy: So? Gretchen: Don't! Jimmy: Why? Gretchen: Why don't spit on my vagina? Jimmy: It's saliva. It's gonna get there anyway. – You're the Worst, Season 1 Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Killian: Hi. Jimmy: What? Killian: I just moved in... over there. Jimmy: Of course you did. Killian: Why do you say that? Jimmy: Because the death of any interesting neighborhood is the influx of white procreators. Killian: Oh, that's cool. My nutritionist is gay, too. Jimmy: I'm not gay. I'm English. Killian: You want to hang out sometime? Jimmy: What? What are you even talking about? I'm an adult. Do you know what that means? [pause] It means that I am beset upon at all times by a tsunami of complex thoughts and struggles, unceasingly aware of my own mortality and able to contemplate the futility of everything and yet still rage against the dying of the light. [pause] So do you see how monumentally stupid you, a child, asking me "do I want to hang out sometime" is? Killian: My dad designs video games. We get all the new ones early. Jimmy: Come over around 8:00. – You're the Worst, Season 1 Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Adam is spraying Mrs. Prevert with a hose through an open window] Mrs. Prevert: [screaming] ADAM! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Adam: I'm cleaning the windows... Mrs. Prevert: NO, YOU'RE NOT! Adam: But we agreed for ten dollars I'd clean the windows. Mrs. Prevert: ADAM, WHEN YOU WASH THE WINDOWS, YOU SHUT THEM FIRST! Adam: You're the one inside, you do that! Mrs. Prevert: YOU'RE FIRED! [slams the window] Adam: First she yells at me, then she fires me, my own mother! [Points the sprayer at the camera] Ross: ALL RIGHT! ADAM, THAT'S IT! YOU ARE FIRED! – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Adam enters the living room with a bone in his mouth] Valerie: Well, how did the dog-walking job go today, Adam? Adam: [takes the bone out of his mouth] It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus! Valerie: Oh, no, what happened, dear? Adam: Well, you see, they ask me to walk their prize-winning pedigree dogs just before the dog show. I thought they looked, a little bit bored, so I took them on a rabbit hunt, you know, through the woods, across some ditches. So what if they got a little bit messy? You think their owners would be pleased that their precious little dogs had more fun that afternoon than they ever did in their entire lives! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they threatened to sue me! – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Adam enters the living room] Valerie: Adam, how was the house painting job today, dear? Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have given me a bonus! Valerie: Oh, dear, what happened, Adam? Adam: Well, you see, I got this spray gun and I was able to spray paint faster than anybody else and more than anybody else. Well, they got upset because I accidentally spray painted the cat, the window panes, the flowers, the lady of the house, and part of the new Mercedes. Valerie: Oh, dear. Adam: You think they'd have given me a bonus for being fast! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Alasdair and Vanessa are looking at mail.] Vanessa: Well, this fan wants to know what green slime is made of. Alasdair: Van, why don't you tell them? Vanessa: Because I don't kn-- Because, Alasdair, they won't tell us. Alasdair: Well, this fan wants to know he we got on the show. Vanessa: Well, in my case, I did something really bad at school and being on this show was the worst punishment the teacher could think of. How about you? Alasdair: Well, Vanessa, actually I thought about it many times, but I don't know how I got on the show. [Alasdair gets slimed] Vanessa: I know, Alasdair. They needed someone to keep saying those words to keep getting green slime dumped all over them. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Adam enters the living room, holding a steering wheel] Valerie: Adam! How was the job at the car wash today, dear? Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me! Valerie: Oh, no, what happened, dear? Adam: You see, there was this Mercedes with an electric sunroof. I accidentally pushed the button to open the sunroof just as it was going into the car wash. You think they'd realized I'd just shown them a way to clean the inside of the car as the same time of the outside. But, no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Alasdair is at the firing squad.] El Capitan: Ready... aim... [Alasdair sticks a card on El Capitan's back] Wait, wait. [To Alasdair] What'd you do? You put a sign on my back. Childish trick, you stuck a sign that probably says "Kick Me"? Alasdair: No. El Capitan: Alright, we'll find out. Amigos, [walks in front of Alasdair] the sign on my back, what does it say? [He turns around, revealing the card reads "FIRE".] Amigos: "Fire"! [El Capitan gets shot.] Alasdair: Shot in the back by his own firing squad. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Adam enters the living room] Valerie: Adam, how did the job at the fast food place go today, dear? Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me! Valerie: Oh, no, what happened, dear? Adam: Well, you see, they kept yelling at me to serve the food faster, and I did. I served the food faster than anybody else did. Only trouble was it didn't get cooked first. Valerie: Oh, dear. Adam: You think they'd realize the money they could save by serving the hamburgers raw. But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fire me. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Adam enters the living room with a tire over his shoulder] Valerie: Oh, Adam, how did the part-time job at the parking garage go today, dear? Adam: It's not fair! You'd think they'd have promoted me! Valerie: Oh, what happened, Adam? Adam: Well, you see, I was driving this customer's Porsche into the garage to see how fast it would go. Only problem was, it ended up parked on top of another car. You think they'd realized I just showed them how to fit twice as many cars into the garage! But no, no... first they yell at me, then they fired me. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 7 (1986) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Christine: Oh, Lisa? Lisa: Yes, Moosie? Christine: How did you learn to act? Did you take acting lessons, or did you just kind of watch other actors? Lisa: I guess I learned by watching other actors. Christine: That's what I thought. You know what they say, "Monkey see, monkey do." – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 6 (1985) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[In an Opposite sketch, everyone but Lisa has been replaced by an animal.] Lisa: Just a second! Now how come everyone else is an animal except me? Alasdair: Well, Lisa, the production department could have made a mistake because you already look kind of like an animal with those hippo hips of yours. Lisa: Hippo hips? Alasdair, that just wasn't very nice. Alasdair: Lisa, remember, this is the opposites. I'm not supposed to be nice, chipmunk cheeks. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 6 (1985) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[The bedroom. Christine lifts her bed sheets and screams, waking up Lisa.] Christine: Yesterday, I put a frog in Alasdair's bed. Lisa: So? Christine: This morning he put a toad in mine and I put a lizard in his. Lisa: So? Christine: So take a look at what he did to get even! [She lifts it partially, and we hear growling. Lisa hides behind her covers.] – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 6 (1985) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Lisa: I can't believe Majorie! She copied all her answers off me! Christine: No! Lisa: Yes. But I got even with her. I wrote all the wrong answers down. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 6 (1985) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Lisa: Christine, say you're hobby is swimming. Well, what kind of substance would you be moving through? Christine: Oh no you don't! [Christine gets hit with water anyway.] Christine: Oh, come on! That's not fair! I didn't even say that substance at all! Lisa: Yes, you did, Moosie. You see, we have a new stagehand, and he's French, and "eau" is the French word for wa-- [Lisa gets hit with water.] – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Announcer: "Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Joins The A-Team" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present another Christmas turkey. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Mr. Prevert is watching Alasdair and Ben playing Atari Pac-Man] Mr. Prevert: Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen! Ben: It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade. Mr. Prevert: You know what your trouble is? Alasdair: Our trouble is you can't break 100,000. Mr. Prevert: Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition. Ben: You have no idea what it's like being a kid today! Alasdair: Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous. Ben: In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer. Alasdair: Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech. Ben: Recreology, oceanography. Mr. Prevert: Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary. Alasdair: Oh it sure is. Mr. Prevert: Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up. Alasdair: Yeah. Mr. Prevert: By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise? Ben: I think I'd like to be a doctor. Alasdair: I think I've decided to be a lawyer. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Christine: Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime-- [Christine gets slimed.] Christine: You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Ross: Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything? Christine: Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection? Ross: See your stamp collection? Sure. [Christine stamps on Ross' foot.] Christine: That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show... – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
[Justin is chained up in the dungeon.] Justin: Must drive you crazy having to torture kids all day long. Nasti: And you know, kid, sometimes it does get to me. Justin: Well, why don't you take up a pastime of some sort? Nasti: I had one. Oh, I loved it. I used to hunt wolves but I had to give it up. Justin: Well, why? What happened? Nasti: It was becoming addictive. Justin: Addictive? How could hunting wolves be addictive? Nasti: Well, I was up to two packs a day. [laughs] Hey, either you laugh or you hang here for the rest of your life. [Justin reluctantly laughs along.] – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Announcer: "Hobby Days" will not be seen at this time in order that we may bring you the following collection... of garbage. – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago
Mr. Schidtler: Show and tell next week, and we will feature collections. Oh, and by the way, you will each have ten minutes. Wyatt: Alright! I collect insects! Justin: I collect coins. Lisa: (surprised) Oh, um, I have to collect my thoughts. Mr. Schidtler: Your thoughts, Lisa? What are you going to do during the other nine and a half minutes? – You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984) Show Quote	added 9 months ago

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