Wikidude's Quotes Page #168

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Sir Humphrey:
If local authorities don't send us statistics, Government figures will be a nonsense.

Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey:
They'll be incomplete.

Hacker:
Government figures are a nonsense, anyway.

Bernard:
I think Sir Humphrey wants to ensure they're a complete nonsense.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Bernard:
[on the phone] Hello, Graham, it's Bernard. Tell Sir Humphrey that the Minister's just gone walkabout. Yes, yes, AWOL. Well, of course I told him, yes. I know. I think you'd better let him know right away.

[hangs up]

Bernard:
One... two... three... four... five... six... seven... eight... nine... TEN.

Sir Humphrey:
[walks in on the stroke of ten] What's all this about?

Bernard:
The minister's just left the office, that's all.

Sir Humphrey:
That's all? Do you mean he's loose in the building? Why didn't you warn me?

Bernard:
I did advise him, but he is the minister. There's no prohibition against ministers talking to their staff.

Sir Humphrey:
Who's he talking to?

Bernard:
Perhaps he was just restless.

Sir Humphrey:
If the minister's restless, he can feed the ducks in St James's Park!

Bernard:
Yes, Sir Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
Tell me who the minister's talking to.

Bernard:
Well, surely the minister can talk to anyone?

Sir Humphrey:
Bernard... I'm in the middle of writing your annual report. Now, it is not a responsibility that either of us would wish me to discharge whilst I am in a bad temper. Who's the minister talking to?

Bernard:
Perhaps you could help me. I can see that you should know if he calls on an outsider. I fail to see why you should be informed if he just wants to, to take a hypothetical example, to check a point with... Dr Cartwright...

Sir Humphrey:
Thank you, Bernard. Must fly.

Bernard:
Room 4017.

Sir Humphrey:
I know!

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Bernard, how did Sir Humphrey know I was with Dr Cartwright?

Bernard:
God moves in a mysterious way.

Hacker:
Let me make one thing perfectly clear: Humphrey is not God, OK?

Bernard:
Will you tell him or shall I?

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Get Humphrey to come back here at once.

Bernard:
Yes, Minister. [Picks up phone] The Minister wonders if Sir Humphrey could spare time for a meeting sometime in the next few days.

Hacker:
At once.

Bernard:
In fact, sometime today is really...

Hacker:
At once!

Bernard:
...Sometime during the next 60 seconds. [hangs up] He's coming round now.

Hacker:
Why? Did he faint?

Bernard:
No, he's just, you know...

[they both start giggling]

Hacker:
This is serious, Bernard.

Bernard:
Yes, I know.

Hacker:
This is no laughing matter.

Bernard:
No, certainly not.

Hacker:
The question is, how am I going to deal with it?

Bernard:
In my opinion...

Hacker:
The question was purely rhetorical, Bernard.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
The identity of the official whose alleged responsibility for this hypothetical oversight has been the subject of recent discussion is not shrouded in quite such impenetrable obscurity as certain previous disclosures may have led you to assume; but not to put too fine a point on it, the individual in question is, it may surprise you to learn, one whom your present interlocutor is in the habit of defining by means of the perpendicular pronoun.

Hacker:
I beg your pardon?

Sir Humphrey:
It was... I.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
How am I going to explain the missing documents to the Mail?

Sir Humphrey:
Well, this is what we normally do in circumstances like these.

[passes Hacker a memo]

Hacker:
"This file contains the complete set of papers, except for a number of secret documents, a few others which are part of still active files, some correspondence lost in the floods of 1967..." Was 1967 a particularly bad winter?

Sir Humphrey:
No, a marvellous winter. We lost no end of embarrassing files.

Hacker:
"...Some records which went astray in the move to London and others when the War Office was incorporated in the Ministry of Defence, and the normal withdrawal of papers whose publication could give grounds for an action for libel or breach of confidence or cause embarrassment to friendly governments". That's pretty comprehensive. How many does that normally leave for them to look at?

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
How many does it actually leave? About a hundred?... Fifty?... Ten?... Five?... Four?... Three?... Two?... One?... Zero?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Minister.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
Well, obviously I'm not a trained lawyer or I wouldn't have been in charge of the legal unit!

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Isn't this terrible? Print baseless accusations like this!

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, yes, yes, terrible.

Hacker:
Baksheesh, palm-greasing! Good God, we're British!

Sir Humphrey:
Absolutely, Minister!

Hacker:
Still, it's not like the FT to print a story like this unless there's something behind it. Is there something behind it, Humphrey?

Bernard:
I think the sports news is behind it.

Hacker:
I want to know the truth, Humphrey.

Sir Humphrey:
I don't think you do, Minister.

Hacker:
Will you answer a direct question?

Sir Humphrey:
I strongly advise you not to ask a direct question.

Hacker:
Why?

Sir Humphrey:
It might provoke a direct answer.

Hacker:
It never has yet.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Bernard, what do YOU know about this? Tell me on your word of honour.

Bernard:
Oh, well, I... er... Er, that is... there was. Someone did.

Sir Humphrey:
It’s a lot of gossip, that's all. Rumour, hearsay.

Hacker:
Bernard?

Bernard:
Well one of the Kumranis did tell me he'd received...

Sir Humphrey:
Hearsay, Minister.

Hacker:
Hearsay?

Sir Humphrey:
Yes, Bernard heard him say it.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Are you telling me Humphrey that the BES contract was won by bribery?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh Minister, I do wish you wouldn't use words like bribery.

Hacker:
What would you like me to say? Slush funds, sweeteners, brown envelopes?

Sir Humphrey:
Oh Minister these are extremely crude and unworthy expressions for what is no more than creative negotiation. It is the general practice.

Hacker:
You do realise what you're saying don’t you, Humphrey? I ratified that contract, didn’t I? In good faith!

Sir Humphrey:
Yes indeed, Minister.

Hacker:
And in that communiqué I issued to the press, I announced a British success won in a fair fight!

Sir Humphrey:
Mm, yes, I did wonder about that bit.

Hacker:
Now you're telling me it was got by bribery.

Sir Humphrey:
No, Minister.

Hacker:
Oh, it was not got by bribery?

Sir Humphrey:
That is not what I said.

Hacker:
What did you say?

Sir Humphrey:
I said I'm not telling you it was got by bribery.

Hacker:
Well how would you describe these payments?

Sir Humphrey:
How does the contract describe them you mean? Oh, well, that's really quite simple. Retainers, personal donations, special discounts. Miscellaneous outgoings, agents' fees, political contributions, management expenses.

Hacker:
And how are these payments made?

Sir Humphrey:
Well anything from a numbered account in a Swiss bank, to a fistful of used oncers slipped under the door of the gents.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Are you saying that winking at corruption is government policy?

Sir Humphrey:
No, no, Minister! It could never be government policy. That is unthinkable! Only government practice.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
You're a cynic, Humphrey!

Sir Humphrey:
A cynic is what an idealist calls a realist.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Hacker has been offered the job of Transport Supremo.]

Hacker:
Sir Mark thinks there might be votes in it, and I do not intend to look a gift horse in the mouth.

Sir Humphrey:
I put it to you, Minister, that you are looking a Trojan horse in the mouth.

Hacker:
You mean if we look closely at this gift horse, we'll find it's full of Trojans?

Bernard:
Um, if you had looked the Trojan Horse in the mouth, Minister, you would have found Greeks inside. Well, the point is that it was the Greeks who gave the Trojan horse to the Trojans, so technically it wasn't a Trojan horse at all; it was a Greek horse. Hence the tag "timeo Danaos et dona ferentes", which, you will recall, is usually and somewhat inaccurately translated as "beware of Greeks bearing gifts", or doubtless you would have recalled had you not attended the LSE.

Hacker:
Yes, well, I'm sure Greek tags are all very well in their way; but can we stick to the point?

Bernard:
Sorry, sorry: Greek tags?

Hacker:
"Beware of Greeks bearing gifts." I suppose the EEC equivalent would be "Beware of Greeks bearing an olive oil surplus".

Sir Humphrey:
Excellent, Minister.

Bernard:
No, well, the point is, Minister, that just as the Trojan horse was in fact Greek, what you describe as a Greek tag is in fact Latin. It's obvious, really: the Greeks would never suggest bewaring of themselves, if one can use such a participle (bewaring that is). And it's clearly Latin, not because timeo ends in "-o", because the Greek first person also ends in "-o" – although actually there is a Greek word timao, meaning 'I honour'. But the "-os" ending is a nominative singular termination of a second declension in Greek, and an accusative plural in Latin, of course, though actually Danaos is not only the Greek for 'Greek'; it's also the Latin for 'Greek'. It's very interesting, really.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Sir Humphrey:
The ship of state, Bernard, is the only ship that leaks from the top.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Hacker:
Last night a confidential source disclosed to me that British arms are being sold to Italian red terrorist groups.

Sir Humphrey:
I see. May I ask who this confidential source was?

Hacker:
Humphrey, I just said it was confidential.

Sir Humphrey:
Oh, I'm sorry. I naturally assumed that meant you were going to tell me.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Bernard:
So what do we believe in?

Sir Humphrey:
At this moment, Bernard, we believe in stopping the minister from informing the Prime Minister.

Bernard:
But why?

Sir Humphrey:
Because once the Prime Minister knows, there will have to be an enquiry, like Watergate. The investigation of a trivial break-in led to one ghastly revelation after another and finally the downfall of a president. The golden rule is don't lift lids off cans of worms. Everything is connected to everything else. Who said that?

Bernard:
The Cabinet Secretary?

Sir Humphrey:
Nearly right. Actually, it was Lenin.

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Bernard:
How do you stop a Cabinet Minister talking to a Prime Minister?

Sir Humphrey:
Interesting question. You tell me.

Bernard:
I don't know.

Sir Humphrey:
Work it out. You're supposed to be a high flier. Or are you really a low-flier supported by occasional gusts of wind?

– Yes, Minister, Series Three (1982)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Ross:
Hey, Christine, we've been talking an awful lot about hobbies. You collect anything?

Christine:
Oh, yeah, sure, Ross. I collect stamps. Say, do you want to see my stamp collection?

Ross:
See your stamp collection? Sure.

[Christine stamps on Ross' foot.]

Christine:
That's the stamp that Lisa gave me when I told her she had a really big mouth. [She stamps on Ross' foot again.] And that's the stamp Vanessa gave me when I told her there would be no extreme close-ups of her on this week's show...

– You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Ross has complained about how consumerism is ruining Christmas.]

Christine:
Yeah, you know, I know what you mean. I was in this one store and there was a sign: "10 Santas, No Waiting."

Alasdair:
I know what you mean, Christine. I was in this store and there was an express Santa for kids that wanted less than five presents.

Ross:
Oh yeah? Was he busy?

Alasdair:
No. Who wants less than five presents?

– You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Announcer:
"Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer Joins The A-Team" will not be shown at this time. In its place, we present another Christmas turkey.

– You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

[Mr. Prevert is watching Alasdair and Ben playing Atari Pac-Man]

Mr. Prevert:
Oh! Video games, video games! That's all you kids do nowadays. Sitting in front of that stupid screen!

Ben:
It's not true Dad. Sometimes we go to the arcade.

Mr. Prevert:
You know what your trouble is?

Alasdair:
Our trouble is you can't break 100,000.

Mr. Prevert:
Oh no. Your trouble is you've got no ambition.

Ben:
You have no idea what it's like being a kid today!

Alasdair:
Yeah, I mean the pressures are enormous.

Ben:
In your day, it was easy. You had a choice of being a doctor, lawyer.

Alasdair:
Yeah, now there's space exploration, computer science, hi-tech.

Ben:
Recreology, oceanography.

Mr. Prevert:
Yeah well, you know I never really did think of it in exactly that way. I guess it is scary.

Alasdair:
Oh it sure is.

Mr. Prevert:
Well I mean there's so many choices, there's so many new fields opening up.

Alasdair:
Yeah.

Mr. Prevert:
By the way, are you two guys got any idea in what direction in what you're leaning profession wise?

Ben:
I think I'd like to be a doctor.

Alasdair:
I think I've decided to be a lawyer.

– You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Christine:
Since this show is about hobbies, I thought this would be a good time to mention that a lot of kids, whose hobby happens to be cooking, have written in asking for the recipe for green slime. For some strange reason. Well, there's sort of a problem because I don't know the recipe for green slime--

[Christine gets slimed.]

Christine:
You know, they're getting sneakier and I'm getting dumber all the time.

– You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

Lisa:
You know, Christine, I was thinking...

Christine:
That's odd.

– You Can't Do That on Television, Season 5 (1984)  Show Quote

added 7 months ago

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