[Spaceball I is approaching the Winnebago]
Colonel Sandurz:
We're closing in on them, sir. In less than a minute, Lone Starr will be ours.
Dark Helmet:
Good! Prepare to attack!
Colonel Sandurz:
Prepare to attack!
Dark Helmet:
On the count of 3. 1...2... [the Winnebago goes into hyperspace] Wait! What happened? Where are they?!
Colonel Sandurz:
I don't know, sir! They must have hyperjets on that thing!
Dark Helmet:
And what have we got on this thing? A Cuisinart?!
Colonel Sandurz:
No, sir!
Dark Helmet:
Well, find them, catch them!
Colonel Sandurz:
Yes, sir! [turns on microphone] Prepare ship for light speed!
Dark Helmet:
No-no-no, light speed is too slow!
Colonel Sandurz:
Light speed too slow?
Dark Helmet:
Yes, we're gonna have to go right to... Ludicrous speed!
[The entire crew gasps in horror]
Colonel Sandurz:
Ludicrous speed?! Sir, we've never gone that fast before! I don't know if the ship can take it!
Dark Helmet:
What's the matter, Colonel Sandurz? Chicken?
Colonel Sandurz:
[voice breaks harshly] Prepare the ship-- [collects himself] Prepare ship for ludicrous speed! Fasten all seat belts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall! Cancel the three-ring circus! Secure all animals in the zoo---!
Dark Helmet:
Give me that, you petty excuse for an officer! [Takes the microphone] Now hear this! Ludicrous speed!
Colonel Sandurz:
Sir, hadn't you better buckle up?
Dark Helmet:
Ah, buckle this. Ludicrous speed! GO!
[Dark Helmet is screaming as he grips the handrail while being lifted into the air by momentum. Meanwhile, various warp trails are displayed on the monitor, and there are signs lighting up indicating "LIGHT SPEED", "RIDICULOUS SPEED", and a flashing "LUDICROUS SPEED" sign]
Dark Helmet:
What have I done?! My brains are going into my feet!
[Spaceball I passes Lone Starr's Winnebago, leaving a trail of plaid light behind them]
Barf:
[he and Lone Starr quickly duck] WOW! What the Hell was that?
Lone Starr:
Spaceball I.
Barf:
They've gone to plaid!
Dark Helmet:
We passed 'em! Stop this thing!
Colonel Sandurz:
We can't stop, it's too dangerous; we've got to slow down first!
Dark Helmet:
Bullshit! Just stop this thing! I order you! STO-O-O-O-P!
[Sandurz struggles and reaches a lever labeled "Emergency Stop:
Never Use." When he pulls it, he immediately stops Spaceball I. Helmet goes flying forward, while screaming, into a control panel, denting it and his helmet severely.]
Colonel Sandurz:
Are you all right, sir?
Dark Helmet:
[slightly dazed] Fine. How have you been?
Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, sir. It's a good thing you were wearing that helmet.
Dark Helmet:
Yeah.
Colonel Sandurz:
What should we do now, sir?
Dark Helmet:
Well, are we stopped?
Colonel Sandurz:
We're stopped, sir.
Dark Helmet:
Good. Why don't we take a 5-minute break?
Colonel Sandurz:
Very good, sir.
Dark Helmet:
Smoke, if you got 'em. [Falls over]
